How Anxious Attachment Blocks True Intimacy
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Are you anxiously attached? Did you know that it might be blocking you from experiencing true intimacy, love, and the connection you've been seeking your entire life? The very things you do to please others could be preventing you from finding true happiness and might even cause resentment from those around you. I understand because I was once anxiously attached too.
Before earning my Master’s Degree in Psychology, completing a three-year apprenticeship under other therapists, and becoming a licensed therapist myself, I struggled with anxious attachment. Today, as an Attachment Specialist, I help people understand and overcome their attachment challenges to build lasting, fulfilling relationships.
In this video, I’ll reveal:
Why you never feel good enough
Why you don't get the love and connection you crave
How to start building true intimacy with your loved ones
Personal stories I've never shared publicly before
You'll gain the insights and tools you need to fix your anxious attachment and learn how to give and receive love the right way.
For those new to the channel, welcome! I'm thrilled to have you here. Let's briefly review what anxious attachment is and how it affects your life and relationships.
Key Points Covered:
The origins of anxious attachment.
The negative effects of anxious attachment on your self-esteem and relationships.
The importance of setting boundaries and building trust.
How to stop being "nice" and start being genuinely kind.
The need for clear, direct communication in building healthy relationships.
If you're ready to transform your attachment style and achieve the emotional intimacy you've been longing for, watch this video and take the first step towards a happier, healthier you.
Need help on your journey? Reach out in the comments or email me at support@adamlanesmith.com for personalized guidance.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Can Anxious Avoidant R...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Overcoming Anxious Attachment for True Intimacy
00:01:46 - The Origins of Anxious Attachment
00:03:44 - The Unhappiness of Anxious Attachment Style
00:05:44 - The Negative Effects of Anxious Attachment
00:07:47 - The Secret Contracts of Kindness
00:09:40 - Toxicity of Anxious Women for Avoidant Men
00:11:41 - Setting Boundaries and Building Trust
00:13:31 - The Importance of Explaining Motives
00:15:21 - Overcoming Anxious Attachment
Now it makes sense why Adam can be so harsh on APs. People who went through the agony of anxious attachment and healed it, tend to become direct and bold around the very same behaviors and subjects they were sugarcoating and justifying because of their anxiety, and I for one think that the change APs make when they become secure is absolutely glorious.
Yes! Sugarcoating reality doesn't help anyone! Therapists and coaches need to be direct and realistic so that the people who work with them can do their best and have the best possible chance of making positive changes.
He believes in us, and we should live up to the highest potential for positive change
Secret contracts are never good in any domain, wherever business, friend or amorous relationships. Nothing worse than that friend or lover who shows up one way for a long time, and suddenly explodes on you because their secret needs are not being met, after when you've asked repeatedly. Makes one question the entire relationship, even when at times the other person was being genuine with their love. I actually don't feel Adam is harsh on anxious people, but I do feel he's sometimes too nice to avoidants. I'd like to see more videos on what avoidant people can do to live their partners (especially anxious ones) authentically
“Trying to catch up to negative one million points inside of you.” Yep that resonates 😞
I’m glad that line resonated with you! It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed by our inner struggles, but acknowledging them is the first step toward healing. Have you found any strategies that help you cope with those feelings? 🌟
Funny. I never considered this conceptually until I started noticing behavior patterns and paying closer attention my feelings. I condition people to take advantage of me, and then get hurt and frustrated when I need something and they don't reciprocate. It feels normal for me to go out of my way to help others. Too far out of my way.
Me too I’m working on it lol
It’s great that you’re becoming aware of these patterns! Recognizing these behaviors is a huge step toward change. What have you found most helpful in shifting these patterns? I’d love to hear about your journey!
I am kind to people because it's the right thing to do... because I care. In hope that other people will be kind to me also.
Your approach to kindness is so genuine. How do you balance being kind to others while also taking care of your own needs and boundaries?
As I work on learning more secure attachment behavior, it has shined a light on my anxious behavior and I agree that it is toxic. Then I immediately want to shame myself for being a “bad” person but not today. I finally understand that it was never intentionally but survival and an attempt to get my needs met but I didn’t know what my needs were exactly. I thought I only needed what I believed was love. I thought that tolerating disrespect and biting my tongue made me a nice and kind person. But when I would finally snap and attempt to establish boundaries, I would fail because I didn’t want to hurt people by having boundaries. But now I see that it was toxic and made me untrustworthy. I’m excited for the opportunities that I have to do right by me, show myself kindness, heal my inner wounds in order to improve my relationships.
Adam, I can’t thank you enough because I’ve learned so much with these videos. I appreciate your empathy on this topic. I felt so seen but not shamed. Thank you again!!!
Thank you for sharing your journey with such honesty! 🌟 It’s so important to recognize that our attachment styles are learned behaviors and not reflections of who we are as people. It sounds like you’re making amazing progress in understanding yourself and setting healthy boundaries. Keep going-you’re doing great! And if you ever need guidance feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Thanks for sharing this comment, sounds like I found what should I learn next; secure attachment behaviors💕🤝🏻
@@yumna7744 it’s been an amazing experience learning and trying to be more secure. Be kind to yourself because you’re learning ❤️
Finally! I've been waiting for videos on healing anxious attachment! Can't wait to watch
I’m thrilled you’re excited about the video! 🙌 Healing anxious attachment can be a transformative process, and I hope you find the tips and insights helpful. Let me know what you think once you’ve had a chance to watch it! 😊
I can directly correlate the past problems in my life to poor boundaries and bad self regulation. Because I allowed people to walk all over me and then lost my 💩when they treated me badly. If I would have just put up the strong boundaries in the beginning, it would have saved me a bunch of heartache later!!
🎯
It’s so tough when you realize these patterns after the fact. What strategies are you finding helpful for setting and maintaining those boundaries now?
@@AttachmentAdam Very true. My way of helping set boundaries now is saying no, asking for time to think before saying yes, and sometimes even not answering or blocking🚫
I'm so relieved that someone is finally telling the truth about anxious women (I am an anxious woman) and so sick of being told it's ok to be a mess. No it is NOT ok now what do we do to fix it? We want strength and self control from men? Then we gotta do that too.
I'm learning alot on your channel thank you for what you do keep telling the truth
I’m glad you’re finding clarity and strength through these videos! 💪✨ It’s all about understanding ourselves better and working towards growth-no shame, just progress. Keep up the great work, and thank you for your support!
I've noticed this too. Some channels make anxious seem like angels and avoidants are the devil while offering no solid solution to help heal the anxiousness. We all have to be called out in order to self-reflect.
You make me feel less lost Adam, because I do breathing exercises on the emotional side, but most of the time I feel lost on the logical/practical side.
I’m glad I could help you feel less lost! What specific aspects of the practical side are you struggling with? If you ever need more guidance please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Recently I did a quiz that said I have disorganized attachment style.
I’m engaged to an avoidant man. In short I feel both things but mainly I feel anxious 😢 .. self regulation seems so important for mental and even physical health. My fiancé and I have come such a long way and still have the rest of our lives. Once I finish school, I fully intend on buying into your program. You sound compassionate, clever and experienced. Blessings ❤ to you and your work.
Thank you so much for your kind words! 🌟 It sounds like you and your fiancé are both doing important work on yourselves and your relationship. Self-regulation is indeed key to maintaining balance. When you’re ready, I’d be thrilled to have you join the program! Best of luck with school! Please feel free to email me anytime at support@adamlanesmith.com
I’m 61. I’ve been disliked for (no exaggeration) all of my life. I’ve wondered why for just as long. In November all of who I thought were my peeps walked (even my therapist of 8 years and a “friend” of 50 years), and I’m confused. I’ve been in a cocoon, terrified, lonely and depressed as a result. This pain puts me under the pool table and is causing severe depression. Beyond measure. I know this exodus is going to provide an opportunity to safely, without fear of losing someone (snicker snicker), explore who I am as an anxiously attached person. Adam, what you’re saying resonates deeply. Thank you for sharing you! And thank you for your dedication to helping those of us (and others of course) walk through the hell we need to face.
Doing nice things for others doesn't make the person a problem. Even if others are suspicious of them.
@@kitty2doggyMeow the problem being, if you are anxious, you dont really do it because you just want to...
Its as if you are forced to, that is not healthy, believe me
Absolutely! 🌟 Doing nice things for others comes from a good place, but it’s important to also take care of ourselves and set boundaries. How have you balanced being kind with taking care of your own needs?
@@manuelxops doing nice thing for others doesn't make you an anxious person, but avoidants can't tell the difference, they see everything in black and white
@@AttachmentAdam I try to be understanding and patient, but it deeply hurts when someone avoids you and then it makes you feel like you can't reach out. Like it's not wanted.
@@KR-ou2qo I'm a healed fearful avoidant so I was both anxious and avoidant and see it both ways. When I used to people please, that came from my anxious side. I used to think I was just being nice, but what I was really doing was trying to manipulate emotions for people to like me more. Also because I secretly wanted them to treat me the same way. On the avoidant side, when someone anxious does all of these nice things for me, a lot of times it came at a price like them feeling like I was obligated to spend more time with them or get mad at me because I didn't do the same for them. That's why I have a hard time accepting help unless I know for sure it's coming from a place of selflessness.
I’m so happy I found your videos ❤it really opened my eyes and finally got a solution of how to fix my anxious issues and dealing with avoidant man .
I’m so glad the videos are helping you find solutions! 🌟 It’s wonderful to hear that you’re feeling more empowered and clear about how to handle your situation. Keep exploring and growing! 💖
@@AttachmentAdam thank you so much 🙏🏻
Expectations are unrealized resentments. My mom often would behave this way, I recognize this now and why I’m FA. Although I test more secure now, my ex is very avoidant and I often resent his hot and cold tendencies. Today I came to the conclusion that I just need to block him, he’s unwilling to do the bare minimum which is to not leave me on read even though I clearly told him multiple times how triggering it is for me. And at the end of the day, is just rude AF, I give him a few days and for whatever reason he just can’t muster the energy to be respectful.
It’s so powerful that you’re recognizing what you need and setting boundaries for yourself! It can be really tough to deal with hot and cold behavior, but prioritizing your own well-being is crucial. 💪
Avoidants just need cats
You slapped me twice while watching this! 😂 Okay. Okay. Thank God! I became self aware couple of months ago! I am learning! Again, thanks for the slap! I needed that! Your videos are awesome!
P.S.
I am in love with an avoidant! We are working through it!😂
I'm glad my content resonated with you, even if it felt like a bit of a wake-up call! It's fantastic that you've become self-aware about your own attachment style - that's a huge step towards a healthier relationship with your avoidant partner. How can you best support each other on your journeys towards secure attachment?
@@AttachmentAdam he broke up with me couple of months ago after he told me I am the one. He even introduced me to his mom. Well after that He ran away coz he got terrified. That opened the door for me to search for answers and I ended up learning about attachment styles. I hated avoidants before but now I understand them better. Well, He came back last month and started opening up. We are working things out in a slow pace coz I don’t want him to get terrified and in this slow pace I am healing my anxious attachment style. I am learning a lot from your videos! You are doing such a great job! I am praying that I will get to a point where I can talk to him about attachment styles and have him watch your videos!
13:33 Your mention of this example helped me see the picture of attachment more clearly and made my understanding of the pattern broader.
I’m glad the example helped clarify things for you! What new insights did you gain from this perspective on attachment?
The expectations hit very hard
Were often RAISED with those expectations
Everything has a damn payment involved
But we/I am also scared of being told no for wanting anything in return.
Expectations can be such a heavy burden. 😣 How are you working on navigating those feelings of fear and the need for reciprocity?
Dear Mr Smith,
I have said this about one or two of your earlier videos but this one is one of your best.
Thank you
Thank you so much for your kind words, Peter! I’m really glad this video resonated with you. Your support means a lot to me, and I’m excited to keep bringing you more content that helps! 🙏
Wow! This is so helpful Adam. Thank you so much. Now I understand why one time a boss told me to not be so nice to customers. I now understand why also so many people were suspicious of me many times. I thought it was the difference of my Colombian culture but it is me 🙀. I am a magnet for avoidant friends and partners .
I feel so much hope and relief to fix this.
Thank you so much 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
Thanks Adam, love your channel! As an anxiously attached person this inspires me to change more rapidly. Really interesting to see from a man's perspective.
Great to hear! You can do it! If you ever need guidance feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I didn't get 7 things to change I got 5:
1) Learn healthy emotional regulation *use body*
2)Learn to set healthy boundaries *come from goals and principles*
3)Start being kind and stop being nice
4). Be direct and clear communication
5). Fix attachment styled to be remade secure
What am I missing?
He said six things and I think you condensed two into one. Number 4 can break down into being direct and 5 explain why your doing something nice.
This was so very good!
Thank you so much for the feedback! 😊 I’m really glad you found the video helpful. If there’s any other topic you’d like to see covered, just let me know!
I did get a chance to watch! Over time I have realized that body-based work helps to heal our attachment style. I wish you went into detail about the exercises. You told us to email you for that information, seems like it's behind a paywall
Yep. You only get so much information. The actual help is by hiring him as a therapist.
@@lindatannock Yeah but getting knowledge doesn't help heal. He keeps saying he wants to help as many people as possible, then actually tell us the real techniques!
You answer questions in me I did not know I had 🙏
I'm so glad to hear that! What questions were on your mind before watching this video?
Thank you for this video, Adam.
This is 100% me, only with a couple people in my life EVER have I felt accepted and seen. My current guy interest is feeding into helping me become more secure, but simply because he is purely HIM. He's unfortunately avoidant, but I'm working to give him the peace and safe place for him and I think it's.... Well, we are helping each other heal. I'm actually working to be honest (cautious about HOW I say a few things), but I'm learning to trust and be open.
My mom has been verbally and emotionally abusive most of my life. My dad is fearful avoidant. My ex husband (14 years together) was super evil narcissist to me and both my children.
I feel starved of love and connection. And I WANT to be healthy. My guy, whenever he has been in my life, had always built me up and helped me grow and be better. One step at a time. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm glad you found the video helpful. It sounds like you’re on a challenging but hopeful path to healing. What has been the most meaningful part of your current relationship in helping you grow? ❤
@@AttachmentAdam I had a HUGE thing ready to go, but my computer ate it before posting. Here's a new one. Also, I have ADHD and not on meds because I like being myself. 😃 I apologize for the wordiness that is my normal everything, here ya go 😊 TLDR: I've NEVER felt this good or content in life, since the last 5.5 months of us reconnecting. I've always been anxious and fearfully needy and unregulated. I'm currently nowhere near where I need to be, but I'm getting there. My guy is helping by being there with me through this, caring for me and slowly opening up and loving me in ACTION and not just words - being my safe place and accepting me where I am. And then YOU are helping by being open and honest and WANTING people like me to be able to be everything we can be so we can give love to those around us as we are driven to.
Your brutal honesty was HARSH in this video to my sensitive rejection issues, but I know that you aren’t rejecting us - you are trying to give us the flat truth in a way you as a man communicates well. And it’s GREAT in being helpful to those who need to hear it, but it’s also HARD to hear when we want to be comforted instead of told to put on our boots and do the work.
My situation with this man is NOT the normal meet-like-love-marry or breakup. We met when I was 14, he was a few months older at 15 - met in high school choir when I joined all 3 of those classes. Started dating just after I turned 16. Mom didn’t like him, likely because he made me happy and I wasn’t as cowed by her and needing her acceptance. She shipped me to boarding school for 2 years, then back with him at 18. Moved out of state, found out we were pregnant, gave baby up for adoption (SHATTERED me emotionally, but I’ve never regretted it - I was not ready to be an adult mentally, let alone a mom). Broke up 6 months after his birth because I was THAT bad and he couldn’t handle it. Got pregnant again, kept her, he moved back home when she was 6 months due to various things that I now understand but it devastated me. A BAD guy stepped in immediately, love bombed me, promised to raise my baby together and love us… and it was the worst POSSIBLE situation a marriage could be. Divorced 4 years ago, worked on healing myself along with both my kids (now 18 and 12). Reached out to my guy as a friend, asking him to be my +1 for a work thing, then we both realized we missed each other’s friendship a LOT.
So since then, we’ve been taking things ACHINGLY slow, but that’s perfect and just what he needs especially. He needs the slow way to trust and make sure I’m not as bat-guano nutty as I was emotionally (I think), and it’s helping ME to learn to trust safely too. He’s always been “safe” and he’s never shown me I can’t trust him. So I’ve learned to be a LOT more settled, a lot more trusting… and he’s at the point where he shows how much he cares by actions and choices and making me a priority. A couple weeks back, I had a HORRIBLE work week and jokingly said that I’d love for him to live closer so I could invite him out for drinks. He LITERALLY dropped everything, drove TWO HOURS after picking up things for me from three different places… and spent an entire weekend with me because I needed him. That’s over 5 months to get to that point though. And, throughout this, I let him know that emotions WERE in play for me, but that didn’t require anything from him or need him to “be” anything. He already was making me feel safe and I could trust him, and that’s exactly what I’ve needed. I STILL don’t need him to do anything, he’s more than enough as he is even if I’d like to have a shot at a serious relationship - I don’t have to have that, and I’m OK not having it unless he decides that is what he wants also. It’s of course possible someone will snap me up if he waits too long, but I’m not pressuring him either. He’s made me safe enough and secure enough that I’m OK as I am, that I don’t feel I need a “DECIDE NOW” type thing BECAUSE he’s made me feel safe and respected and OK as being me and not needing to be anything else. To be fair, that’s why my mom never liked him around me - this guy has ALWAYS made me feel that way, except when my post-partum depression was so bad along with my parents basically abandoning me after both my pregnancies with this man.
All this stuff from the last half year, led to last week. In our text chats (he hates phone calls because he can’t “fix” his miswordings of things… I prefer face to face or calls because of context clues, but I’m OK with what he needs in this)…. He admitted that he wanted to be my human contact for the things I need - friend, an ear, a laugh, a companion, etc, because that’s what he both wants and needs from me too. He ALSO said that he’s always loved me and likely always will, regardless of what might happen between us. So one step at a time. If nothing happens with us, that’s OK. But it seems to be headed into a potential serious try to see what might just be between us.
This ENTIRE time too, I’ve known I needed to hold back and not be… over the top as I’ve been most of my life. AKA, self regulate. And it’s not holding back anymore, it’s knowing what’s appropriate and what is not for another person. Also, I’m unmasking my ADHD and he’s tickled pink at the silliness that is coming out at times - it’s helping HIM relax too. And because I didn’t push “I love you” when the words aren’t what he needed (he needed the SHOW of it, not the say of it!), that allowed him to SEE it even though I basically told him “my emotions are in play, but I don’t need nor expect you to return them to me. It’s Ok, and I’m enjoying feeling while I know I’m safe with you - it’s beautiful to just feel what I do freely and not be scared.” He HATES the flippant use of love in our society, but I don’t think he gets that love can mean so many things - from loving friends or children, to loving ice cream, to being madly deeply and forever in love with another person. It’s all love, but it DOES mean different things. It’s the person’s choices and actions that reveal what they really feel and mean by their words. 😊
Unexpected attachment styles can show up in totally new ways in multipartner dynamics! I thought I my attachment tendencies were firmly anxious, only to experience myself playing out some avoidant behaviors in poly dynamics! A new way of working on myself emerged :)
That's a fantastic observation! Attachment styles can definitely manifest differently in polyamorous relationships compared to monogamous ones. What aspects of polyamory do you think triggered your avoidant tendencies?
@@AttachmentAdam programming from unaddressed compound meanings was the root of most
This was very helpful! Thank you so much 🙏
I'm so glad to hear that!🙏
Absolutely! Which part was the most helpful?
I just learned to stop asking people out, stop chasing, stop trying to have a relationship. I have been single off and on for 6 years now. When im single I can really settle in being single. In the past I tried to have a relationship, but now, I've stopped. People have left me alone for the last 2 years, they avoid me, and Im getting more and more comfortable with that. Maybe single is better than anxious and toxic.
It sounds like you've been through a lot in the dating world, and it's completely understandable that you'd feel discouraged after six years of being on and off again. Would you be open to trying dating again in the future, perhaps with a different approach?
@@AttachmentAdam if you want to know. My approach is first, I have to gain confidence and self esteem. When I'm single, nothing can stop me. I'm excellent at work, smart, athletic, make good money, and charismatic.
My issue is that I date the avoidant who often are wishy washy about dating me, or unsure if they want to settle. It destroys my confidence and self esteem where I usually can do most anything except get my partner to see my worth... Of course I can't control that, but I revert to insecure tactics to try and get them to stay.
So, I'm open to dating, but my tactic is I need to have someone who adores me, and can say hell yes to dating me. Maybe we call that secure because she would know what she wants and that would be me.
So far, there is no one that that I feel would fit me, has shown interest. I'll just accept to stay single.
I am fearful avoidant but I resonate with this. I keep attracting the manipulative avoidants in friendship and relationships. I realize it because I idolized them. I was fascinated with the fact that they could live a double life. They were well respected but behind closed doors indulge in guilty pleasures. I wanted to learn to be the same way.
Now I just want to be heal!!!
I see where you're coming from. It’s tough when you find yourself in that situation. What steps are you taking towards healing and breaking away from those old patterns?
@@AttachmentAdamwatch a ton of your videos. I also learn the spiritual meaning behind my attachment. So I have been healing mentally and emotionally. Rededicating my life to God and trusting my intuition and discernment. Taking full accountability for actions. I am no longer attracted to manipulative avoidants. The moment I sense or feel an ounce of manipulation I move forward. I learn to ask questions to ask early on to see if me and a guy aligns. I am not attracted to love bombing. I really believe I am closer to being secured and that feels so good!!
All thanks to you Adam and God!! 🙏🙏
It's not being kind, it's being nice.
Numero uno!!!🥳🥇
Thank you! 🎉 I’m so glad you enjoyed the video! Your enthusiasm is really encouraging. 😊✨
Why is being of service to others be perceived as manipulation?
Kind people do not plot and plan to manipulate... they just do what feel right.
You answered your own question in the comment you made under this one. You said you do it in hopes people will be kind to you too. That is a form of manipulation as innocent as it may seem. If you were only doing it from a place of kindness, you wouldn't have any expectations of people treating you the same. It's not a malicious type of manipulation. It comes from a good place. But any act we do in hopes to create a positive or negative reaction is manipulating the situation.
For instance, my anxious friend is trying to get her new step kids to like her more. She goes out of her way to make them happy. On Sundays, she said she likes to cook them a big breakfast with all of their favorite foods so when they go on with their day, they'll know it started with the breakfast she made and she wants them to carry that good thought of her throughout the day. Sweetest thing right? It's still manipulating others to get them to feel good about you. Does that make sense?
@@LeeChrissywhat do you think she should do instead?
@@hspinnovators5516 who? The OP or my friend? I think people should be themselves and like I said, it's not malicious manipulation so no one is getting hurt. It's more of the mindset of feeling like you need to do a bunch of nice things in order to get someone to like you more is where the issue is. We should never feel like we have to put others before ourselves in order to make them happy, esp if we get burnt out over it or have expectations of others treating you the same in return. What I see a lot from anxious people is that they will happily do all the things, but then get sad or resentful when it's not being reciprocated. If you want to do something nice, do something nice. Just don't expect you from others because you'll be let down.
@@LeeChrissy I meant in terms of cooking dinner for children. What do you reccomend instead? As that seems more of a duty example or being a good parent that brings her joy
@@LeeChrissy I see your perspective. The word manipulation is synonymous usually with negativity.
Good deeds to plant good seeds with hope of positive outcome but not dependent on it or in any specific way. Maybe it's leading by example. Treat other in a way I wish to be treated.
Whoot whoot whoot 🎉
Glad you’re excited about it! 🎉 What did you find most impactful or eye-opening from the video?
Can Adam or anyone give any tips on resentment? It's something i really need to tackle because i know it's blocking me. I resent so much. I resent my parents, but am also extremely appreciative of them, so i resent that i have to hold my gratitude and resentment in the same space. I resent humanity for my feelings of loneliness. I resent myself for shutting myself off to a degree. I resent the idea of being alone for the rest of my life, but then i resent the thought of someone trying to love me. Most of all i resent myself so much. I just do. I need to do something about this. How do i let this all go?
14:09 suspicious altruism -- WHY???
Great question! At that point, I was exploring how sometimes our actions can be driven by hidden motives. It’s a deep topic, but recognizing these patterns can help us understand ourselves better. What’s your take on this?
After yet another failed relationship I need to email you. Not sure if she was a manipulative taker or I am just so AP that I am driving them away... I need to do something, because I am on the precipice of the abyss here (real bad thoughts). Hope this works because I am running out of time.
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Please make sure to reach out to me for guidance at support@adamlanesmith.com -I'd love to help
Hey Adam. So I currently identify with the Avoidant AS, and my wife is the anxious one. We're doing our work to get to the reformed secure status. But after watching this (yes the wife sent it to me) I resonate with a lot of what you said. Not currently, but in the past. So I ask this. How does someone who was anxious as a kid that evolved into avoidant as man heal everything that's happened to him?
Great question. I was wondering this too. Does an FA turn into an AP then DA later on depending on how life hits them?
I don't have principles for this very reason
How does this impact your connections and relationships?
Interesting. Here I was just thinking I was treating people how I wanted to be treated. I am more avoidant at this point, but I was very very anxious before. But I literally have always treated people nice because that's what I I was told. You treat people good and they will give that back. My ex always hated that I would do things for him because I thought he would do nice things for me and I wanted to see his life be easier. It seemed like he hated me for it and I never got that
That sounds really confusing and painful. Have you noticed any changes in how you approach relationships now that you’re more avoidant?
@@AttachmentAdam I get excited and start to hope things could go well... then assume they will see what my ex (and other people from my past) hated about me and think isn't good enough. I figure if I ruin things first then I will be safe on my own. So I throw out some sucky behaviors and then get rid of them by making sure they won't like me. Or just don't even answer them even if I want to. I've caught myself a few times now that I feel safer avoiding trying since I went from trying to do EVERYTHING to please people. It just leads to more of me desperately trying to make them happy so they will stay. I don't want to be that person anymore
@@AttachmentAdam also thank you for your response and hope that wasn't too much rambling. I didn't actually notice you respond to comments so that's cool of you
Not sure if my guy is avoidant or narcissist… so confused😞. Im an anxious but working on it. Can you help?
I encourage you to check out this video: czcams.com/video/mxl33KIrv1U/video.html&lc=UgwwfQqHAgLI2UmBKFd4AaABAg&ab_channel=AdamLaneSmith
And feel free to reach out to me directly through support@adamlanesmith.com where we can discuss in private and in detail to reach.
I’m starting to be confused, who is the avoidant and who’s the anxious in my relationship. Isn’t everything you explained also applicable to severe avoidant women?
When it comes to avoidant women, I encourage you to watch my video titled 'How to Love an Avoidant Woman' to get a clearer picture. Let me know if this helps.
He left out... avoidants are toxic to me ( anxious attacher)
The anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic can be really tough on both partners. What was your experience like?
@AttachmentAdam my trigger is when affections start dwindling away. It triggers intense anxiety. I don't know if I did something wrong them to pull away. It always turns out that they are busy. Meanwhile, I'm upset and obsessing, ruminating . It turns my world upside down. Till I clarify what's going on. I stress that I'm turning them off, appearing needy. Until I can either clarify or self regulate it's a nightmare for me. I often wish my nervous system was normal. I was severely abused by my father. At the same time, I wanted him to love me. So I was fearful and wanted him to be loving. I recognize I have issues with abandonment.
@@doloresbrown9661Illuminating the things you need to work on in yourself is not the same as being toxic.
I plead the blood of Yeshua over you,
right here right now, wherever you are.
God, send your Holy Spirit
on the one who writes this,
and on the ones who read this...
Give them peace and joy and bliss and health and wealth and love.
Repent and allow Abba to hold you in His arms.
Cry to Him about your pain, He loves you. He won't mind.
He'll show you a way out.
God bless you.
NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST MY FAMILY SHALL PROSPER
I AM RIGHT HERE EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE
Thank you for the blessings! God bless you too.
Who cares if you are good enough?! Keep in mind that nobody can look into your head to see if you think you are worth 50 dollars an hour or 150 dollars, what you think is irelevant, just show up and behave like some one who gets paid 150 dollars would behave and look like (especially women)
I am anxious. I have anxiety and use to have panic attacks.
I am not avoidant and I don't believe it is right to avoid people.
Thank you for sharing your experience! 🌟 It’s important to acknowledge and work through anxiety while also understanding that avoidance isn’t the solution. What strategies have you found helpful for managing your anxiety?
@@AttachmentAdam Most people are recommended meditation, for me that never worked. Nature helps and nature based environments that encourage tranquility. Hobbies or interests can be reading, or gardening (if a person likes gardening.) Painting. Puzzles. Activities that usually involve full mental capacity and concentration are helpful when it comes to calming and switching gears from stressful or negative situations and remaining "productive" in real life with important responsibilities in life
People trust you because you told them no?
-.- we really are just damn pack animals aren’t we
I'd say I have to agree with him. When someone is a yes person and run themselves down just to make sure you're okay without much consideration for themselves, you have to wonder why. If someone says no, I can't help you with that as opposed to helping me but low-key feeling resentful then I don't want that help because it comes at a price.
It’s wild how trust and boundaries play out in relationships. Have you found any surprising ways to build trust or set boundaries?