The dark side of fawning & autism
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- čas přidán 14. 05. 2024
- trigger warning- I will be talking about darker topics (SA & consent). If this triggers you, please do not watch this video.
This is not one of my usual videos, I don't think I've ever shared something as vulnerable as I did in today's video, but I knew it was important to share the vulnerabilities autistic people face each day.
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There were so many things I did as a teenager that I always felt so guilty about and never understood why I did them. Some of those things were related to romantic encounters. It is the first time I’ve even heard of “fawning” and I haven’t even finished the video yet but this is starting to make my actions make so much sense. The thought of embarrassing the other person felt like the worst possible scenario and I would constantly forfeit my own comfort. On top of it all, I had such a hard time understanding what feeling uncomfortable meant. So many things make me uncomfortable, I can’t tell when I want to or don’t want to do something. What frustrated me the most though, wasn’t even what I was letting happen to me. It was the confusion I felt about how other girls went through life. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I always tried to mimic the other girls but some things I just couldn’t and still don’t fully understand what I’m doing wrong.
I was bullied a lot in middle school and called names, like “sl*t”. I never understood how I deserved this reputation because I had never even held hands with a boy. It was because of instances when I would essentially “fawn” now that I’m realizing. I would be nice to boys when they flirted with me by basically smiling and I didn’t want to embarrass them. I never interpreted it as flirting back, and I didn’t usually like these boys. But to the girls who were watching, I was flirtatious and apparently flirting with other girls crushes and whatnot. I didn’t understand how I was flirting and therefore didn’t understand how to fix the behavior.
In high school, fawning began to manifest more physically for a short time. I allowed myself to be in situations that made me so uncomfortable and I would be so embarrassed when others would think I wanted to do the things I did. There was so much confusion about my own actions and others perception of me.
I struggled so long (and still struggle) with feeling so stupid and lacking common sense.
No one close to me would guess that I could be autistic. But everything I’ve ever experienced points to it. I don’t care to tell others in my life about it, they won’t believe me. But I’m hoping it will allow me to learn how to help myself in ways I’ve never been able to before. Life has been so hard and I have run out of solutions
It took me too long to draw my boundaries. But, I am glad that I did as I am a lot less angry at people.
This video means so much to me. I've never been a victim of SA or anything like that but something that has happened to me a couple of times now is that I'll be making out with someone even though I don't really like kissing and during the moment I'll do whatever the other person wants/is doing and then afterwards I feel really really bad and I cry. The last time this happened I had a shutdown hours after it. My friends tell me it's not my fault but I don't really know who to blame if not myself because the people I kissed thought I was enjoying it based on how I was acting so it's not their fault. When you talked about how it takes you sometime to process what's happening I related to that so much because in those kissing moments there is no time to process what's going on and everything is really quick so I just go with it so the other person won't feel bad, even though I'm not sure how I feel about it or what I want. Watching this made feel like maybe it truly isn't my fault and I'll definitely research more about the fawning response. Thank you!
I will be 64 - I have self diagnosed. You are very helpful . Thank you.
I'm not diagnosed yet, but finally got dates for a diagnosis in July.
Maybe I just put a TW for SA or smth like that here.
A while ago I had a first date with a guy in a café. We talked etc. Then he wanted to show me smth, don’t remember what he said, but somehow we ended up in his flat. He made a move and I got with it. In the act he stated many times that he didn’t liked it with a condom. But I always said to keep it on, cause I’m not on birth control and didn’t know if he was healthy. We kept going and after a time the condom slipt of accidentally. I taught her would take another one. But no he just continued blank. I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything. As he finished he didn’t pulled out. I was expecting that he would at least do this, but no, second shock. I was so angry at him and me, cause I didn’t stopped right away. The biggest problem was that I was in the phase of my menstrual cycle where ovulation could happen anytime. So I was stressed out a few about being pregnant. I said I need to go home immediately after and he walked me to the train station. I never wrote/answered him again, but wrote a text that I wanted to send to him in case I was pregnant. Gladly I was not. I also tested my health a few months later, before my first relationship.
What also came to my mind listening to your Story, was that I think I never really made the first step in intimate situations. So I kinda question if I really wanted all of these situations or just fawned going with the flow, to not disappoint the other person.
I also absolutely despise kisses (except the soft short ones you gave your close family as a child) and think I maybe in the asexual spectrum somewhere.
My first relationship also didn’t worked out, cause I couldn’t give him the affection/love language he needs. I also didn’t had such strong feelings as him. And felt like he didn’t really get me and my differences.
I also have bad meltdowns since school start or something around this age. Unfortunately stress and anxiety manifests in pain. Sometimes stomachaches, headaches, back pain, muscle pain, … Not really fun. Hope with a diagnosis and understanding myself better, I can regulate sooner and learn to unmask.
Kinda long text. This is the second video I watched from you and it will certainly not be the last. Keep going and greetings from Germany.💜
thanks for writing this all out, i could relate to so mich also undiognosed and asexual probably. A friend in me teen years also startet intimite body contact and i went along for an hour. all touch came from him and i thought i should enjoy it and was unsure and wanted to wait and see if i did, because as you sad in th evideo, it takes a while to recognise what you feel,. afterwrds i was angry at me that i did not just say good night and thought of my self being asexual,and i also never texted him, avoiding conflict fawning and masking comes to a big crosspoint here
Its so hard. On multiple occassions, from someone hitting my car, to me too experiences, i first accidentally comfort them/validate them. Rather than saying what i really feel or think deep down and getting my own needs met. Sigh
Men fawn too, its why a I could never say no, and had a nuclear meltdiwn after loss of my carrier..I just had to tell them I refuse to do that which I don't agree with, give it to someone who doesn't mind being a lier!!! Anyways, Im done fawning, now I am fighting..Thing is, I never learned healthy conflict resolution. Its pretty depressing, but I am learning.
Yeah shit, this isn't the first time I'm learning about fawning. I relate so much. It's so hard for me to go against the flow
71 when I figured out. Yes, being very kind and helpful to everyone is a road to nowhere, We have to analyse whether people are worthy. They have a surface, they MASK, and underneath are their real feelings. We worry because our masks feel false, I don't think all normals have that issue.
It is our responsibility to pay attention and give the appropriate signals. We need to observe our behavior also. We tell people how to treat us. Then there are predators. We can be so self involved we don’t pay attention to what is going on around us.
Excellent points. We ALL need to be aware of how we're presenting ourselves. And yes, there are predators lurking about with their radars tuned so as to pick up certain signals. That being the case, we all need to look out for one another ... and to sound the alarm when a creep is near and acting strangely. And I myself need to be much more quick to speak up than on a certain prior occasion. It can be a tough dance addressing certain situations while trying to respect the friend's privacy & autonomy.
Yeah ... I dropped the ball. That won't happen again.
Anyway, again ... Excellent note!
🎼TD, Boston
This is SO important!!! I’m going to talk to my three (probably Autistic) daughters about this today. Thank you so much for sharing! ❤
Hugely important! If they have difficulty reading faces, intentions, social situations, &c. ... Predators pick up on that and target ND Women & Girls ... being careful to keep all hidden from Your view. Secrecy is a dead give-away of a Predator.
🎼TD, Boston
and thanks for this list its so precious shuld be handed out for teens in school or something
I relate to this so much. Im 31 and was diagnosed with autism and adhd at 30. When I was 23 I went on a date with a guy, I'm female and this was at a time when I thought I still liked men, thought i was bisexual but only out to a couple of people, but since realising that Im not actually attracted to men at all and identify as demisexual and gay. I told him before we met that I wouldn't have sex with anyone until i was in a relationship with them. After i think our second date i was confinced to come back to his house. I didn’t think his intentions would be bad and agreed. I never understood how to leave and he ended up making a move on me and we had s*x. I never said no, but my mannerisms said otherwise, he just said that he wanted me to be more confident, when i felt so uncomfortable and just went along with it when i didn’t want to. After he was like oh so this must mean we are in a relationship now. And so i just agreed. We were "together" for 2 weeks and i told him i wanted to break up. He got upset and i just said that we can stay friends then, because i just wanted to make sure he was ok (fawning). From i think 23-26 he constantly manipulated me into having s*x with him, kissing me and i just didn’t pull away. I did all this whilst falling into a very bad mental heath state and SH. I felt so much shame and guilt and hated myself. Yet defending him to family and friends and convinced myself that he was my "friend" because he constantly told me that im his best friend, that im the best he has had, that i liked it, and constantly made sexual remarks to me. When i told him that i liked women, his response was oh i knew this, and im hoping once i find you a women we can have a threesome. From 26-29 i withheld myself from seeing him after my birthday and he brought me a " vibrating d*ldo" and wanted me to use it and i said i didn't want to, and he constantly tried to make me and tell me if i used it, i ended up throwing this "gift" in the bin. He kept telling me it's healthy to use, that im meant to use it and basically telling me that i have to have sex or mast*r**te to be healthy. I avoided him after this because i didn't want to put myself in a situation of having to have s*x with him as i just felt so gross about it. But after he broke up with his girlfriend he invited me to his birthday, i was 29. And i was drunk also high and he took me to a strip club because he wanted me to have a lap dance with a female. Again s*xual manipulation. After this i had to sleep at his house because i couldn't get home safely because i was still drunk, he made sure this happened i have come to realise. He then had s*x with me and again i didn’t say no. After he started crying to me because of his ex girlfriend and i comforted him, whilst feeling so much self hatred for putting myself in this situation again. Not long after this i met my current girlfriend, who was/is my first girlfriend. I told my girlfriend that i have this male "friend" that i had had s*x with before. And only a year ago did i have a trauma response memory come to me whilst have s*x with my girlfriend, because the lights were off and we were in a position that triggered the memories of my past. I then realised that the trauma i had gone through because of this man was SA. I remember telling him many times whenever he asked me to "come over" through text that i did not want to have s*x with him again and that i didn't want it, that it felt wrong and i didn't like it. And often he would reasure me that he wouldnt touch me if i saw him, if i came over we would just hang out and watch movies and promise he wouldn't do anything and then I'd agree to come over and he would still touch me and make me have s*x with him. I now understand that he was not my "friend", his intentions were bad and i was coerced into having s*x with him as an undiagnosed autistic female and my trauma response would be fawning or freezing into a shutdown. I repressed so many of these memories and have finally opened up about them to my girlfriend who understands. I really hate that this happened to me and i still feel self hatred about it and a part of me still does blame myself. But i want to heal and understand it more. I really want to know if this male "friend" knew what he was doing or did he really think i "liked it", when i was so very unsure at the time and he took this as me being shy or not confident...😢
Your video wasn't as all over the place as you think. It flowed together well.
I have been enjoying your videos and trying to keep fauning or PDA in mind, and actually enjoying doing it. However your story smashed my naiivity. I think my heart stopped beating until you said "he appoligized". It definetely is sending me back to consider how to approach fawning or PDA behaviour.
At the end of the video you read out some helpful tips for the ladies out there who might have a fauning response. However it might be nice to have some tips for those of us who aren't on the spectrum in making things safer for you :) Not just in romance, but all situations in life :)
Love this comment!! Thanks so much for the input 😊
Great Comment!!!
I always wondered why I did this very same thing and it makes so much sense now. I'm working on getting a diagnosis lol
I started watching your videos recently and relate to a lot of your experiences.
wooooooooooooooooooooooow soooooooooo importannnt , thank you a looot i resonated to everything!!!!!
Great and very informative video.
Glad you enjoyed it! ☺️
Excellent presentation! Sorry you had to deal with that situation. Sounds like you handled it well.
Your advice pointers at the end were solid Gold!!!
I hope a certain Young Lady Friend of mine has the opportunity to view your work here.
Best,
~TD, Boston
Aw thanks for the feedback
Elena just wanting to ask in regards to your autism, have you been through panic or anxiety attacks?
Not really, I’ve had a few in my life. My anxiety is a very internalised experience 😮💨