the Autistic Experience of always feeling watched
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- čas přidán 30. 04. 2024
- I now have a term that I use to describe this phenomena - 'the fear of being seen'... bit of a ramble in today's video...I hope you found it useful nonetheless ☺️
-E
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A lifetime of people staring, judging, and reacting with disdain every time you do anything will lead to this fear. Every autistic person I know experiences it to some degree.
it sounds like you’re describing the general fear of being perceived. it’s super normal in the autistic community, so just chill 🥰
oh, i was to early to comment hahah
Thank god 😮💨
This is all sooo relatable!! Ruminating on old mistakes, hiding in my room, trying not to bother people… It’s SO helpful to know I’m not the only one!!!
I think it's especially difficult experiencing this as a woman, there's an extra layer of observing yourself through the male gaze. For me, I feel like the two are so entwined that I can't always seperate them.
Wow I thought I was overreacting. Thanks for sharing. I felt similar feelings
All my life. Then I heard that it was just typical human paranoia, which made me feel better. I wonder if us autistic people experience it more intensely?
I have the same problem. I also used to have social anxiety and now it is mostly over but i have this thing that i feel watched by people on the streets, judging what i do, even sending voice messages on the streets, i lower my tone of voice when someone is approaching me
That second text you read from reddit.... I have no words, it's just so damn accurate. This whole video is fully relatable to me.
Wasn’t it incredible!! I’m so glad it resonated
Yeah.... Sounds relatable. Down to the not talking about it part
Thank you for verbalizing this. You’ve put into words how I’ve felt my whole life; it can be debilitating at times. I’m grateful for your channel ❤
Aww 🥹 you’re so very welcome
This is something I experience most of the time. I’m studying a masters at the moment and we have lots of intense reflections on our work, and the feeling of being perceived is so heightened then. I feel like that’s made me even more aware of it the rest of the time. Thanks for talking about this!
I have the same problem. When I was a kid/teen, if I perceived that there was someone walking behind me, I would legit get a fight or flight reaction and feel a chill behind my neck. And so many times I'd turn around to see who was behind me and there was literally no one there. But I was still getting anxious at the possibility that there was.
The force may be strong with you? do you also have partial OBE-CPTSD?
@@gothboschincarnate3931 I am diagnosed with ADHD, autism, generalized anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD.
I'm sooo glad that you brought up this topic bc it's such a heavy burden that we put on ourselves. It's also super hard to explain the entire process but you did an amazing job so thank you! It's so nice knowing that I'm not the only freaking person that feels and acts this way, it's exhausting isn't it?
Aw you’re so welcome!! Please hang in there and know there’s someone out there who understands 🫶🏻
Relate relate relate. Very helpful and real video. Thank you very much.
It blocks access to procedural memory and pulls you out of your body. You're having to act and modulate body language etc from their perspective, or in a manual manner.
2nd person is highly relateable. I hate it. I always hated it. The only solution is dissociation and apathy, if necessary you can invert the inner world so self destruction and alienation is experienced positively, then you can act more freely. Visibility is vulnerability, connection is cruelty, closeness is mutual harm, change is death. The world is a crushing, devouring thing. The physical body, the mind, the world, self, other, all of it is all over me, and I can't get it off.
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Strength, vulnerability, and awareness are quite difficult to balance when you have no guide. But doable for some of us, even if it means depleting ourselves of energy to keep up the pretty mask in public. Yes, the world is cruel but as long as we are here, we might as well be part of the 'invisibility cloak of change'. Making small strides for the next generation.
Change lasts forever so I'm guessing the black pill has taken you away to the negativities of associations of the failures others have violently and cruelly inflicted upon you doesn't matter does it we are all given a death sentence from the moment of conception folly everywhere trust gone time ever vanishing until the point where you don't so much hate the world as you hate yourself misanthropia is inside us all and in one moment of clarity you realise that in fact the world is quite insane leaving desperately to find relief from being morose melancholic and the general apathy wasting away until the final tick and all is lost never to return
In my experience that feeling of being watched is due to just how much I see. I notice everything around me. So I think every one does this too. Reality is they don't. They are not seeing and hearing everything. I speak quietly too in busy seeing as to not be over heard by others and I hear every conversation in the room at that same time. I don't understand all the hear I just hear. What's more later if pattern emerges in what I heard I learn secrets I'm not supposed to know.
So yes I struggle with it.
I'm 55 years old and in the middle of neuropsych testing. I *hate* feeling observed.
Even when I'm completely alone in my house with all the curtains closed. I can't stop masking; i feel like it's bad and I'm bad if i stop.
I have many times had the situation in places like fairs or shops when I went there with someone I know, that I can't act like I want, like shopping some item, looking at stuff or just taking my time. So I've been to the point where I'll leave with them, say goodbye, make sure they wont return and then go back into the place again, but now doing what I want, which I couldn't even really feel what it is before.
Also I can't ever take my time in such places when I have someone with me, so if I really want to be myself and enjoy in my way, I need to go alone. But alone I wont go.
Generally the wish to be in a different city alone where no one can judge or if they judge it really doesn't matter that much is huge. But again, going places alone also is kinda hard.
And even if my buddy would ask me if we should continue or what is up, I likely wouldn't be able to find that feeling, process it and put it into words, which again is stressful.
Wow, tangent opening up here: That 1) feeling inside to 2) processing to 3) saying words pipeline makes s*x kinda hard, because if I start to think to much I will not be in the moment and as a guy, things can kinda not work if you are in your head. Even more so when trying to verbalize what one might like right now, like holy, it doesn't work. So the way it, like, works for me is when my partner is a bit pushy to the point, where I am overwhelmed for most of the gig, which ... I can enjoy, but also if it's only a little too much, then it rips you out of it completely. Alway liked the 6 9 because there is no time and space for a single thought to form.
Sorry 'bout that unsolicited tangent, but then again, tangents and oversharing is what we do, I heard, so.
Also silent s*x because we are way to aware of the thin walls which again, not in the moment...
"Hi good!" If it helps, everyone has done that at some point, and died inside from it for months or years afterwards :P
For some humour:
When I was in my early 20s, I was the supervisor for the seafood dept. at a grocery store. We had a crab tank with steps on it because it was 7 feet tall. Once, I jumped down a bit too close to the steps, and ripped the back of my pants STRAIGHT up the ass lol! My employees heard a ripping noise, but in the close space of the work area, there was no hiding what happened. All I could do was to get it over with and state: "I just ripped the ass of my pants on the tank..." I didn't stay for the laughter which ensued, and I had to strategically navigate across the store, grab a pair of pants off the shelf, and put them on in the change room. Luckily there wasn't a line up for the changing room :P After all of that, the pants were smaller than advertized which was even more awkward to finish off the day wearing those. When I got back, my employees were just finishing up laughing and wiping the tears from their eyes. The tight pants started the laughter up again for a few minutes more :P
A few months later, I jumped off the step of the tank, and did THE EXACT SAME THING! This time I had to not only navigate through the store, but also walk all of the way home, with my underwear for all to see, because I was not wasting money again on cheaply made pants which don't fit properly!
My employees had one of the best laughs of their lives, not once, but twice :P If any of you do anything that you think is embarrassing in public, hopefully you will remember my funny story and feel better ;) Not the greatest sollution to give for such a serious problem, but I hope that a bit more of a lighthearted story at least brightens your day :)
LOVE THIS 😂
I'm so sorry about this. Once, while I worked in a restaurant, I was done with my shift. I went into the restroom to change. Moments later, I heard laughter from the distance and noticed a couple of guys with their mobile phone up filming me getting dressed. I felt so humiliated and ashamed. When I explained the situation to the manager, he told me there was nothing he could do about it or the windows in the women's restroom. I quit the very next day. I don't trust people watching me getting dressed, undressed, or eating. It feels so awkward! I hope you are feeling better, friend. ❤ 🌸
@@hameley12 Hi! Thank you for the message, but no need to feel sorry. I thought I labeled it as a funny story, but forgot! I do actually laugh back on it myself. I was just trying to share some humour for an otherwise difficult subject in hopes it might help :)
What you went through is NOT ok though! Windows in the restroom? I am surprised that even passes building code, let alone be legal otherwise. Also filming people like that is voyerism and is illegal where I am (Canada), and I would hope it would also be illegal wherever you are. Even still, it would be law for your manager to be required to address any issue of sexual harassment in the work place in any western country that I can think of.
I am sorry it was in the past, otherwise I would absolutely offer my help. For what it is worth, not everyone is like that, and I hope you could feel safe going to someone you can trust for help if you ever need it again. Standing up for yourself can drain you fairly quickly, so I always recommend reaching out to someone who will help you advocate on your behalf. I hope you have found a better job in a place where you are among caring people ❤
@Taoscape Thanks for the sweet reply. 😄 That was the humiliating story. While I worked at the clothing store 3.5 miles away from my home. The snow plowers had been through, I thought, "Good. It's dangerous walking on thin ice. " By the time I left work in the evening, I stepped outside through the same back door only to slip and slide all the way to the dumpster. I nearly broke my wrist, but hurted my right foot badly. Don't get me started on my back. Actual people walking around, instead of helping me up and to my car, just laughed if off and filmed the whole incident. I learned really quickly to avoid the back door and use the front door. Wouldn't care much if the manager got upset. When I told this to my friends, they had a good laugh. And I felt compelled to laugh at the experience, too!
My foot has healed since then. 😄 😂
I do not understand people but I do understand what makes them tick = Someone slamming really hard against a dumpster and crying, struggling on one foot,to get to their car. 👌
So, yeah, I've always felt people were looking at me. But I had such a positive outlook and positive view of others that I always imagined they had a positive view of me! (I probably overcompensated this.)
I have always done things that draw attention to myself in a positive way - which I now realize is to prevent being seen negatively.
I also viewed "pretending to be human" (masking) as a fun game, and I got excited when i passed.
In the end, though, I have still burned out.
(And why CBT is not the answer.)
Again, no clue this was a spectrum thing. I didn’t pinpoint or separate this perception from everything else.
Hello Elena! I'm a female and have been diagnosed with Audhd this year at 41 years old. I also am huper vigilant and have been masking my whole life. I can so relate! I can't even parallel park because I feel like everyone is watching me even if there is no one is driving behind me lol.
Girl!! I have my driving test today and the amount of times I have said exactly this!! I cannot parallel park, not because I can’t go through the motions of putting the car in place, but people watching me haha! Please know there’s someone out there that understands
Ohhh I hope you did ok on your driving test! It's comforting to know there is someone else out there who has similar experiences. Oh btw if there is someone behind me when I have to parallel park, I will no joke drive around the block circling until there isn't anyone behind me hoping the parking space is still there hahahaha!
You are describing my life experiences but I am a 60 year old man. I have always thought that I tend to adopt female ways as I am gay; however. But I always feel that I'm being observed. 24/7
I think it’s awesome that you are putting your experience into words in order to help explain for yourself and relatable to others. It’s so important to have people who are open and honest about how they’re feeling and do their best to explain what they’re feeling so that greate understanding and awareness can be shared by others who do not have similar experiences. I will say that even though I am not on tha spectrum I can relate to some of what you said to a small degree. I think that it’s human nature to sometimes feel like we are the center of everyone else of attention, even though when as you pointed out in actuality most people are far too concerned with their own lives to pay any attention to what we’re doing. I have a disability and have found that especially since getting my service dog and becoming more visible I sometimes am a bit more hyper aware of others perceptions and I otherwise would be.--Feel like everyone must be watching what I’m doing and as you mentioned if I drop some thing or trip on something or make some other visible noticeable behavior that could be classified as embarrassing then it does feel like in the moment everyone is watching it. But I remind myself that Disability or not, everyone drop things, trips on things, make mistakes and have embarrassing moments. That’s just a natural part of being human and they’re only embarrassing everyone if we feel like they are which there really isn’t any reason to because everyone doesn’t with a point and chances are no even realized when we’re doing them.
I've never seen your videos before, but it popped up in my home feed and I had to watch it based off the title.
I was diagnosed ADHD at 23, but didn't figure out the autism bit until a couple years ago at about 42 year old, and a year or so before that Complex PTSD. I'm still learning what all of this means, how to shed negative beliefs about myself, how to unmask and show up as my authentic self.
In all the content I have watched, I have yet to see someone really dive into this topic. Thank you! This has plagued me as long as remember. In fact I have a distinct memory of playing outside when I was around 9 years old and specifically wondering what the heck is up with that, why do I feel like I'm always being watched? It was like I was the main character in the Truman Show long before that movie even came out.
The two reddit posts you included combine nicely to bring context.
Sometimes I wonder what comes from trauma and what comes from autism or ADHD, but oh! There is an intersection! There is specific trauma that comes from growing up as an undiagnosed female neurodivergent kid and the kinds of messages one gets from others and how one interprets a very confusing world that no one seems to bother to explain.
That second reddit post: fear of being perceived by others as being in the way (CHECK! - It is often my first instinct to physically move out of the way of others, probably one of the reasons grocery shopping is so exhausting.), adjusting the volume to a level that would be perceived by others (Yup, definitely done that before!), "Especially scared of being perceived wrong" (Hits the nail on the target!), and the bit about how as neurodivergent folk we tend to notice all the tiny things... lightbulb moment!
If I grew up constantly noticing all these little things, and being judged often (however minor) and having my actions misinterpreted, and not understanding much of the world around me and likely assuming that everybody else is noticing all the small things too (because why would I think any differently?) then this "fear of being perceived"/sensation of being watched/various people pleasing and perfectionistic traits is a natural reaction based on my life experience even if it is not rooted completely in reality.
Random thought about the "Hi! Good." segment: "Most people are too consumed with their own problems.." What if while you were feeling bad about your response, they were equally ruminating and shaming themselves for not explicitly asking "How are you?"
I am finding that I am getting a lot better at self-talk over the last couple years. When my thoughts begin to spiral, it's less intense as I'm able to fact check myself better and remind myself how much specific people in my life care about me and are not interested in my perfection.
Anyway, very relatable. Liked. Subscribed.
Oh what a special thing it is to connect with people like you. Thank you for your words and I’m so glad I have found you ☀️
It seems to be a self-protective thing with so many of us. It even feels llike I am watched when alone, it is going into paranoia.
As a kid I called them the thousand eyes.
The reddit comments are bang on... my caretaker calls
me an extremely quiet person. At least that helps my rep regarding haters with the caretaker.
Constant self-analysis, self-muting feels self-protective. ❤ Be well. We can only do the best we can with the person we are.
Keep the mask, is my experience. Since Chinese bat fflu covid isolation living alone traumatized tore my perfect nt mask off, my life has been steadily going to heck. I am losing everything good in my llife. Everything.
O dear. I hope things start to go better for u
I am sorry to hear that you are having issues with masking, and things are falling apart for you. There is hope, however, since the autism community is very loving and understanding, and will accept you for who you are :)
You chould check out Paul, from "Autism From the Inside". He is a communication fascillitator and should have some good tips and strategies for masking, and dealing with your issues.
It is hard to do much from here, but feel free to ask if there is something you need help with and I can try my best, or someone from this cosy community might be able to help too :)
Thanks, I hate being seen or observed.
Omg i relate so hard 😢
So relatable! Thank you 😊
1984, Rockwell, Somebody's Watching Me. (Good song that relates)
LISTENED TO THIS LAST NIGHT!!
There’s a gorgeous cover of this song by Anna Waronker that was used on the Carrie Diaries - it’s slower than the original and really atmospheric
@@elyssiacook6913 I just searched it and watched it here on CZcams. Good song.
Thanks for sharing your journey and helping ppl with it. Totally find it useful of this video.
Thank you for sharing, very much relate
Yes I feel this. And not just in public around strangers, but around those that know me too. I’m hyper aware and no matter what I do, I FEEL like everyone is trying to figure me out. I know how unrealistic this is but it doesn’t make it feel any less real. I wish I could point to a trauma that would explain this behavior but, the trauma is just the autistic experience I suppose lol.
Yes you summer this up perfectly 😅
Completely relate. 🥂🧡
This video really nice
I'm watching you now, Elena ;) ;) Good video :) :) I could be partly autistic but I often talk about the middle way.
i also experience this ALL the time but not sure if I'm autistic , wonder if everyone experiences this
I've seen marijuana can cause the feeling of being watched. Mention to psychiatrist? Have you tried Mindfulness Meditation? Or qi-gong (if a teacher of that can be found)? Have you found any autistic friends? Love you! You're so awesome!
Hi Elena, I'm 28 too and while i dont know if i have Autism, this chat resonated with me SO much!
I do have chronic medical conditions but I'm noticing how my emotional well-being & behaviours have declined and have become a very challenging problem.
I live with others but stay in my room as much as possible. I do not make noise and i'm hyper aware of everyone else's to the point where it's severely impacting my mental health.
I find its a difficult thing to talk about or even articulate. So i thank you for sharing your experience and also for sharing those Reddit comments. 🙏🏻❤🌼
Hi Karly, thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry you go through this, on top of chronic medical conditions, that’s the last thing you need 😭 please just know there’s someone out there in the world that understands
@@elenacarr0llthank you Elena. 🥺💗 i really appreciate it.
What nts can understand us?
They call us deficient for being us, not understanding how put upon and distressed we are all the time by them themselves, especially in our upbringing.
By resolving in my mind and heart the unavoidable trauma growing up that we all seem to suffer, I have half resolved my innate hurt and resultant fear from the thousand eyes around me.
So I have much more come to accept being seen by other people.
Nobody, hopefully can avoid being.
Also, it is simply a thing that nts observe and analyze others as mirrors to compare themselves to. Their concerned gaze at everyone is for, for them a natural and needed purpose. This teaches themselves how to be, to get acceptance and inclusion from each other. And that is how many of us become high maskers.
So I have halfway come to accept being seen as a natural part of living.
This may seem kinda cruel, but I have said to a couple of nts who were shy: "If you don't want to be seen go hide in a closet." They both chuckled and felt better.
The nts are strange like we are strange to them.
So let's all be strange together. To let me live a more "normal" life with some kind of peace of mind compared to when always I was afraid of them like a 🧡 moonflower. That very much made me inhibit, hurt my own life.
Yes, we all only get one shot at 💞 living. 🖖
"So let's all be strange together" Exactly! I am NT, and can't speak for the other NTs, but I always got along fine with everyone I met. I recently joined a chat group dedicated to neurodivergence, and meeting the poeple there has been great! Also if I do make a misstep, they let me know, and I am happy to learn :) We can meet each other in the middle and figure it out :)
I think NTs CAN understand NDs to a large extent, they just need to find a shared experience that they can relate to and work from there. That is what worked for me :)
I 100% relate
My internal monologue is becoming increasingly external as I get older- I’m blaming the perimenopause as well as being late-diagnosed (51, finally got diagnosed 2 weeks ago!) I don’t know if it’s a verbal stim, as I’ve always loved to sing a lot, too
I’m sure it was so insightful for you being diagnosed 💜
How about eye contact it feels to intense to intimate to look others in their eyes do you experience that
Hi I have this feeling too… I’m currently in the progress of getting autism tests to see if its autism (or just my trauma). I didn’t know this feeling is a part of being autistic.
When will your book come out? 😇
I’m in the last stages of writing the first draft, after that I’ll be sending to publishes. Hopefully sooner rather than later 😀
I wish you luck! I will definitely be buying it 🥰🥰
Social anxiety is the same right? 🤔
Similar. The DSM5 lists Autism as a potentially better differential diagnosis for Social Anxiety Disorder.
uhh.... ngl.... you're probs the youtuber ive been looking for whos autistic, oh my godddddddd, evcerything in this video is literally me and no ones ever kinda put the same sorta words to it like you have, and the quotes in the video, yep, definitely quoting them for my assessment, its always a ballgame trying to memorise and jot everything down as my memory is so bad :(
Your comment is why I started making videos about autism, I want to make the words more relatable to just regular people. Thank you for taking the time to say
With your hyper-empathy and feeling of being watched all the time (ie slightly paranoid behaviour) - maybe you’re more on the Schizotypal side of the spectrum, rather than autistic? It could mean that you have a hyper developed mentalising part of the brain.
When physician’s started describing autism, they first called it infantile schizophrenia. That’s because it’s sometimes very difficult to distinguish Schizotypal and Autistic traits. For example, Schizotypal people may be introverted (often called negative symptoms), while Autistic people tend to be also introverted. I think a main difference is that Schizotypals are hyper-creative, and are able to relate well with people’s feelings. Anyway, that’s just my thoughts on the matter…
This is a link on Schizotypal traits… it is also often linked with social anxiety (which can also be a feature of autism)
This is the medical article indicating that people with schizotypy usually have the feeling of being looked at. As far as my experience, people with autism do not experience this. I think it because people with schizotypy has enhanced ‘Theory of Mind’ and are sensitive to other people’s thoughts (ie the feeling of being looked at) while a person with autism should usually have reduced ‘Theory of Mind’ and therefore may not notice that people are looking at them…
Interesting stuff thank you! I’ll have a read
@@elenacarr0ll As a former psychology student, you might be interested in the ‘Diametric Brain Theory’ by Bernard Crespi, who believes that autism and schizophrenia are actually the opposite sides of the spectrum (yet, may have similar traits). Think about it - if you take marijuana - you can get paranoid delusions (feeling of people are looking at you). Hence, this description of people looking at you, is a psychotic trait (Schizotypal trait). Yet, Schizotypal people are often described as having an odd, eccentric behaviour (similar with people with autism). As mentioned, a person with Schizotypal traits would tend to think too much (ie hypermentalise).
@@dl4403 no, no, no. stop spreading misinformation, former psych. student. having a feeling that someone’s looking at you, is not a trait of mental illness in itself. it’s probably more a sign of a weak self-image and low self-confidence. if you feel like people are looking at you, and you also at the same time think they’re out to get you in some way, you’re more or likely psychotic. the reality is, people are watching and judging eachother all. the. freaking. time… being hyperaware of this fact can be draining if one doesn’t have the strategies to work around it. some autistic people can also hypermentalize in periods by the way, combined with hypomentalizing. i like your curious approach, but there’s often more complex factors linked to a single behavior.
Elena just wanting to ask, are you into politics?
Not at all 😅
@@elenacarr0ll just a question are you interested in participating in something that could make history in New Zealand, do you recall the 2020 Cannabis Referendum?
Proverbs 15:3 King James Version
The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.