Fern Brady - Autistic in a Non-Autistic World
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- čas přidán 28. 05. 2024
- In this episode, Scottish comedian, Fern Brady joins us in the The Vulnerabilitea House.
In pulling the card “how would your ambitions change if you only had one year to live?”, Fern shares a very recent story, after receiving a terrifying phone call from her doctor.
Fern also discusses being diagnosed with Autism in her 30s, 20 years after telling a doctor she thought she had it.
Fern talks with with great insight and humour, not only about life since her diagnosis, but what it was like living for 30 years with Autism and not knowing - always feeling different to the average person…yet having no idea why.
She's an all round brilliant human and we know you are going to love this conversation as much as we did!
00:00 - I Really Feel Like An Alien
08:10 - Android vs iPhone
12:20 - Autistic Representation: Good and Bad
17:05 - Growth on the Brain Reduces Shame
24:38 - Meltdowns: Shaking a Bottle of Fizzy Coke
32:29 - Autism The Label
36:52 - Triggers and Tracking
42:51 - Friendships, School and Talking to Trees
54:56 - Don’t Talk About the Mental Unit
59:30 - How Can I Help (Meltdowns and Other Things)?
1:05:42 - I Don’t Want To Be In This Situation Anymore
1:09:10 - You’re Autistic or You’re Not
1:14:16 - Foot Porn Instead Of Stripping
To watch the full episode on CZcams click here: • Fern Brady - Autistic ...
To purchase Fern’s book, 'Strong Female Character', follow this link: bit.ly/4aSot20.
To see Fern’s Comedy special on Netlfix follow this link: bit.ly/49AkQNp.
And you can see Fern’s hilarious promo featuring her dad, here bit.ly/3vVRb3a
There are still tickets available Fern’s antipodean Live tour “I gave you milk to drink”. Tickets still available in Sydney bit.ly/49usjgM, & NZ bit.ly/3TYM0r9.
You can purchase the book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone here bit.ly/3QmYKXZ, and you can stream Six Feet Under here bit.ly/3TTZRiD.
To try Sam Harris’s meditation app you can follow this link: bit.ly/4d7HrUz
Or to read his book Lying, follow this link: bit.ly/3vGDHIK
To see Susan Boyle’s Britain’s Got Talent Audition, follow this link: bit.ly/3VTeKUY
The Imperfects is not a licensed mental health service and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, treatment or assessment. The advice given in this episode is general in nature, but if you’re struggling, please see a healthcare professional, or call lifeline on 13 11 14.
I've never seen this podcast before, but the fact that you turned down the lighting before Fern came on without her needing to ask you to do it ensures that I'll keep watching. This is perhaps one of the most nontoxic male-led spaces that I've seen on the internet. Wonderful. ❤
Same!!🤗 thanks for articulating this! I totally agree!!!🥹
Agreed ❤
Totally agree!!
When I was first diagnosed, I would advocate for myself by using the diagnosis as part of my explanation for why something wasn't working for me. In the end, I found that ended with people seeing me differently and treating me differently. Now I say things like "I don't like it when strangers touch me like that. Please stop." or "the music in here is so loud, I can't hear you clearly. If you want me to hear we are going to change the environment" "something in here has a very strong smell that is distracting me. Can we...." This clearly expresses WHAT is bothering me and WHAT I need/want to happen to improve the situation in a calm and polite way.
Yes, another good phrase is, "I'm the type of person who..." explaining how you are/what you need rather than outing yourself and facing ignorance and prejudice from people.
This is game changing. Thank you.
Good tools.
At the time I was diagnosed, there really wasn't this sort of representation with Fern's refreshing interview, at least in the public domain except for in forums exclusively for people who identified as autistic or only really the NAS where it was easy to conclude that somehow ASC was an outsider experience often drawn on tightly diagnostic lines; either you belonged or you didn't. I think consent is highly relevant in this context and this is perhaps not so widely reflected in the discourse around autism. I recognise that I might risk alienating others by mentioning my autism but I think it's an identity that we should be proud of, not shirk away from. The prevalence of autism diagnosis, to generalise massively, is because we're getting better at detecting it sooner rather than it being an indication that the rates are becoming more prevalent in the population - whilst I might personally disagree with aspects of the diagnostic process. I guess as I got diagnosed later in life, I feel it's important to qualify it having known the cost of masking. Sure, sometimes I wish I didn't feel the need to but I try to reason that if you are at least being seen to make the effort to build that space and saliently asking for an accomodation, hopefully, it can trigger a conversation that sets off a wave. If someone is unwilling to engage, that is their loss. I think in the autistic mindset, perhaps influenced by what we've been told directly or indirectly in society, it can be convenient to deflect from our weaknesses and view it as as being damage limitation, I think with a growth mindset and with the right support, I think it is generally positive to open up to people up, autistic or not, by sharing it. My confidence in people being receptive of course varies with my own individual experiences, but I know those who I want to keep in my life (we have to hold onto an ideal, right?) are those have told me that they value the connection we have in spite of my autism and you can visibly see the 'aha' moment on their faces when they get it.
I have been telling people so that I can keep the right people and filter the ableists out of my life. But I haven't told strangers or anything (other than online), I think I'd feeli like vomitting if I tried!
The other difficult part about self advocacy is working out what you actually need, especially when you have been conditioned over years to just accept what is imposed on you and / or have delayed interoceptive processing.
I find that when I’m given a choice about something in the sensory environment, it takes me a long time to work out if I’m ok with it or not. But those who have control over the environment typically want an immediate answer.
I've found this difficult in a broad sense with my ADHD. In a new work environment I don't know what I need until there's a problem. Now their policy says not to bring up disabilities unless I say something, but I've found it difficult to know what I can ask because they don't offer anything and don't check in. So I'm left to struggle on until things get really serious. I know it would be annoying to have someone always checking in with you, but there's definitely a way it can be done occasionally without it feeling othering.
I deal with this in emotional situations. I often don't realize something has upset me until some time has passed and I've been able to reflect. It makes it even harder to set boundaries with people when I don't even know what they are until a week after they're crossed
@@IshtarNikeif you’re in the UK, look up Access to Work. It’s a government scheme that may be able to help.
I get that too having had a late diagnosis. I'd say that when I raise with neurotypical people in the workplace (something that I'm increasingly thinking I cannot support) that I'm needing an accomodation, there is the implication that somehow I should be grateful that immediately creates a conditionality, not realising the amount of sensory overwhelm and the code switching I have had to do in my communication up until that point. I think there's a tendency, and it might be that I do reference my autism when making requests, that others perceive that I'm personally addressing/sleighting them but that the accomodation I'm asking for, communication-based, still exists and is the difference between me engaging neutrally, where I'm to some extent filling in the gaps but producing work that passes muster or having a structure that I can work with to know how much effort/energy to allocate proportionately to the task. It should be received as an invitation that not only do I want to get the work right but that it allows me to leverage my attention to detail and other skills. Although, don't get me wrong, whilst I would like to feel a sense of belonging in my work, the group identity isn't a powerful enough incentive because I know the personal cost having masked for so long without my support needs getting picked up. Seeing others resigned to how little influence they have in making a difference is as overwhelming as the sensory environment. There's an inherent contradiction, at least when I got my diagnosis, that in order to manage your autism successfully, there is a level of socialisation you must adopt to 'fit in' but I'm finding that this is unrealistic to sustain for myself and others who identify as autistic as it diminishes any individual variation in how we communicate and treats it as though it is a symptom rather than a strength.
Also I feel so grateful that Fern talks about meltdowns, i still have them at 37 and often feel so ashamed about them. But knowing I'm not alone really helps.
Still get them at 55. No need to feel ashamed. I found it's often down to how toxic the environment/situation is that brings on meltdowns.
@@MrAndywillsyes. Definitely this.
We have a smaller stress bucket than allistics were born with. It’s bound to overflow more often with the same volume of stressors pouring into a smaller vessel.
@@MrAndywills I couldn't agree more. They can also be a result of burn out as well. Just plain overwhelmed by life results in a real low tolerance for anything.
@@pistachioracle This is a good way to put it, and has definitely been my experience as well. I've notice that the things that bother me, often bother others, however they have a greater tolerance for it. So, in effect, i'm the canary in the coal mine.
I really appreciate this interview with Fern. As a 54 year old, black, woman who was recently diagnosed, I appreciate her sharing her experience and information about navigating life as an autistic woman. I also appreciate that she gave statistics and referenced studies that back up her points. I loved that she talked about how black people or other people of color aren’t taken seriously as being autistic and how dangerous it is for us when we unmask or are having meltdowns in public. I pray that with better awareness about autism that neurotypical people will have more compassion and empathy towards autistic people. I also hope that people like me learn to love themselves and show compassion and grace towards themselves as they move within the neurotypical world.
My guess is that neurotypical people see autistic people (those who are ‘highly functional’) being capable of a lot of things that they themselves are capable of, not realizing how much more it costs an autistic person to do those exact things.
- And in their head, ‘the math is mathing.’
They see the big picture and default into thinking we as autistic individuals must have little to no issues doing the exact same thing as they, as neurotypical individuals do. Simply because we might mask our struggles so well.
At least that is my experience.
💯
@@user-pq5wz6vf3d 👍🏼😊
Bingo
Well said
Yes. Completely agree. I tell people that 'high functioning' is really just a neurotypical person's label for 'well you're easier to deal with for ME'. It completely devalues how hard it is for the autistic person to mask. It's like being from a wildly different culture, say a person from the Bugis tribe of Indonesia and being airlifted into downtown Paris with no support and expected to fake being French/Parisian 16 hours a day. Some of us CAN do that with a lot of practice, but it's exhausting AF, incredibly unfair and often abusive as an expectation.
As a late identified autist, Fern's description of school and transitioning from primary to secondary rings so many bells.
I noticed you used "late identified", not "late diagnosed". Is this a way to create space from the medical model of autism?
@@reed6514 Autism is my neurology, it's not a disease.
I love Fern. I will be probably one of many autistic people coming to this comment section to say similar thing, but I feel I have to say it: she's doing so much of a good work for all of us. She's successful and funny, people want to watch her and so she has a voice. And she decided over and over again to use her voice to speak for all of us.
I didn’t know the lack of a localized accent was an overlooked potential indicator of autism. Being from MA and being the only family member who doesn’t sound like Mark Wahlberg puts some stuff in perspective.
Huh. I've been told (by Germans) when speaking (in Germany, at the time) German (which I know a little of, but am not fluent in, but can pronounce if I'm reading, even if I don't understand it all) that I "don't have an accent". This always sort of seemed implausible to me, especially since I know I still don't quite have certain sounds down. But I guess maybe my autism plays into this? I certainly do make an effort to really grok how things sound, and replicate them, so... maybe this is related to what you're talking about, and you've just replicated the "General American accent" (as used by newscasters and such), whereas I was replicating German speakers??
My accent fits nowhere, and changes everywhere I live. These days it's more Scottish, but there was a period of time when I'd constantly be getting asked where I'm from, with people guessing everywhere from South Africa to Canada to Ireland and more. There were a couple of occasions when Dutch people I was serving in a restaurant thought I was Dutch. In my late teens and early 20s my accent was a form of received pronunciation, and earlier than that it was a West Midlands accent, but never quite matched that of my peers.
It's definitely an autism thing.
back when i actually socialised i used to get irregularly mistaken for being either english or american, despite spending my whole life in australia
eventually i worked out a big factor in this was where whichever tv show i'd been bingeing around that time was made, so it was no surprise to discover that autists are mimics
ps: also sometimes in my 20s when i'd get supahigh i'd start to sound like a pickpocket. this fact is probably mostly unrelated to the 'tism
Huh, never thought about that...
YES on people thinking it's a "leftie blue haired attention seeking" diagnosis! Thank you guys for having this conversation ❤
The fact that you turned the lights down for her makes me wanna cry. I would appreciate it too, I always have had headaches from the bright lights at work, back when I was in hs, in stores, etc. So sweet.
Thanks for making us neurotypicals aware of your struggles, Fern!
Fern Brady is awesome. 53 late diagnosis AuDHD Forgotten Australian now based in the UK. Masking, is exhausting, your trying to concentrate on the conversation, the environment, what's my face doing? Am I making enough eye contact? Try not to fidget, while lights, noise, smells colours are overwhelming and this is constant in public. Often people will tell me something really important and if I don't react straight away, they think I don't care, but it takes me time to process things sometimes.
As an AuDHDer (late-diagnosed), I relate to all of what you said.
Love Fern. Saw her on Taskmaster just after having my own late-in-life AuDHD diagnosis, and I recognised some of the similarities so quickly. The averted eyes while we process what's being said, the holding our own hand or arms for sensory input. It's surreal to see someone doing something and be like "oh! I know what that is!" and then you realise that must be what NT feel all the time with each other, and conversely, how much we don't see ourselves in neurotypicals.
6:25 "Sorry, I'm a hugger." "Oh, that's okay; I'm a puncher."
Omg I’m using this 😂😂😂
35:00 AND work. Autistics are mentally and emotionally navigating ALL that, AND then expected to go to work and perform at the same level as NTs (neurotypical).
So it’s a lose / lose situation because there will always be a deficit.
This is why education around autism is so important! Great convo! 👏🏻👏🏻
Fern in school sounds like me in school, and after school. Sigh. I used to hide in the library and be so quiet in class and then meltdown at home. Not knowing I was autistic growing up was hellish and I nearly didn't survive my teens. I became a singer and that saved me, because I could hardly talk to people and I became homeless at 16, so performance art was a lifesaver for me.
Literally didn't realize til this intro that when people ask what my plans are for a day they don't want line items 😢
It's OK, we're all always learning and different people have different "blind spots" - now you know and grow 😊
Loved Fern on Taskmaster, loved her book, and loved her on the podcast. I was so moved by her book, and so moved that she wrote it while she was 'in the thick of it'. Thank you for this episode!
What one of men said (sorry I don't know your names) resonated with me. As an autistic person I am struggling to live in a world not designed for me then on top of that I have to advocate for myself. It adds another layer of work for me to do and it's no wonder I find it so hard. So thanks man.
Also as someone else commented advocating for yourself is a real minefield, I feel sometimes like I have to tell people I'm autistic so they respect my needs but at the same time I really shouldn't have to. But it's only been a year so I hope one day to be confident enough to say this is what I need and not care what people think of me.
Indeed🎉
Fern is incredible. It's like looking in a mirror hearing her talk about her experiences.
Buying her book straightaway! Subscribing to your channel. Thank you algorithms. Thank you Fern. The fresh air the world needs. Thank you Imperfects. X
I used the fizzy bottle analogy in the early 80s and one of the challenges I've had since I was in my teens was learning how to release the pressure throughout the day because meltdowns seemed to exhaust me more than help release pressure. I know not everyone is able to do this, but I was able to manage them by employing strategies of self care throughout my life. I'm nearly 70 and rarely have a melt down since I was in my early teen years.
These strategies are simple things: like making time for myself even at work... I'd get up and walk to speak to a co worker rather than pick up a phone. That gave me time alone and used large muscles (thighs and butt) which reduces stress.
When visiting anyone for a weekend or if people were visiting me, I always laid down for a nap (I rarely napped, I mostly read, but I had time to myself.) Since I was doing this from a young age, everyone just expected it... yes, i was quirky and weird, but I knew what I needed and so did it.
When going to a noisy restaurant with a group, I might check out my disassociating for a few moments if things were particularly loud, and I always asked not to be seated near the kitchen or wait station (as I found th clanging utensils overwhelming). I unscrewed overhead light bulbs or asked to be moved to a table without a light, moved flower arrangements, got up and adjusted blinds, and so on. Unashamedly. Yes, I know some people thought I was a pain in the ass or impudent, but doing versus asking sure beats those stupid conversations with people that are so demoralising. (I'm sensitive to chemicals and so had to ask those questions and that was enough.)
When going to a party, I'd spend time with the family dog or go outside and look at the night sky alone or hang out in the bathroom as much as needed or leave if things got too much for me. With family, I can go lie down during a holiday event for a break. The host will often check in and be lovely. For them, this is just me taking care of me and no comment on them or their company.
In the workplace, I managed to ensure I ended up with small office spaces with just me or one other person. I tried to get natural light and where I couldn't I'd turn off overheads and have my own table lamp and floor lamp. If I had to share a space, I'd go outside for my breaks and lunch no matter the weather -- the same if I couldn't avoid florescent lights. I'd even wear dark sunglasses if I had to. These were absolutely essential accommodations I made for myself.
It was a conscious effort... paying attention to the cues we get via our body (which is hard to do I know) and just knowing myself. No pretending I was normal even if I wanted to be normal because I knew what the consequences would be if I tried to pretend. I simply cannot handle being around others and not having time to myself or bright lights, etc..
This is brilliant. I clicked on the video out of curiousity and now I'm an hour in. So much of her experience resonates with my own world view. I'd love to get a diagnosis but it's so expensive as an adult. Thankfully, listening to conversations like this one goes a long way to helping me unpack my own brain.
56:00 we dont recognize hierarchy, people get mad about the questions we ask
I was diagnosed at 35 and didn't start advocating for myself until I kept being gaslit and discriminated against. It is like we need autistic pride and appreciation, not "awareness". We aren't a disease. It's weird that neurotypicals think we want attention. I just want to not be bullied constantly and live with less stress like neurotypicals get to do in comparison. That's all. It's not difficult. I am liberal and don't understand why wanting equality and to express yourself is a bad thing or being a "diva". It's not. It's just trying to be allowed to exist. I also relate so much to the anti-depressants. They are made for neurotypicals to feel more comfortable around you. They numb you and are exhausting. I can't live like that. And they don't solve the problem: neurotypicals treating you like crap or not getting accommodations.
So true!
They think they are saying we're all the same, but "for us it’s minimizing this whole secret world of struggling with sensory issues, and trying to cover it up and never really knowing what people mean when they say stuff, and being in a constant state of cognitive dissonance because neurotypical people tend to not always mean what they say or say what they mean." So true.
As a late diagnosed austic man, I relate to Fern's mentioning liking repeating things. I am a teacher who teaches the same lesson 8x per week. I work on my lessons like comedy routines. By the end of the week, I have a great lesson that hits all the marks. I know how to modulate my voice and expressions for maximum effect.
Something I’ve learned from listening to her is just how much effort she has to put into making the rest of society feel comfortable. The world would be a more pleasant place to exist if we weren’t all pretending to be someone else. Thanks for having her on your show. Awareness is the key to changing attitudes.
Hey, I am new here (I thank the algorithm gods). Thank you for this podcast and for introducing me to Fern's work. I am an autistic woman myself, I discovered this at age 29, and I am deeply touched by everything Fern says here because it's extremely relatable. I didn't strip or do foot porn, but the rest of it is on point!!! It is very relieving to hear Fern express her views on marriage both here and in her Netflix special because it's 100% my take on it, and exactly the way I explain it to my friends and family. I'm happy to see I'm not alone.
So good. I appreciate Fern Brady for putting her self out there and making the world a little bit better for autistic people and the show for providing her a space for it. And the lighting was so thoughtful. Thank you.
Meanwhile, me an autistic-adhd woman in the US struggling with employment with no medical insurance... "an occupational therapist and a sensory diet you say?" *
sigh*
In all seriousness, this was an excellent interview. I really appreciate Fern Brady. She is a great voice for autism. Thank you for this interview.
I ended up in an adolescent psych hospital too, at the end of year 10. Eating disorder, self harm, school refusal, hiding in my closet, deep depression. Sigh. The trails of being an Autistic and traumatized teenage girl. 51 and still trying to recover from being undiagnosed for 50 years. I'm doing ok though. My psychologist tells me I'm "thriving" but that's only with disability support. I'm unemployed but hugely talented (sorry if that sounds too big note-y) I can't drive yet but with disability support, I do think life is looking up for me.
What Fern was talking about planning for death in a way that’s not super attached is reminiscent of stoic training. The notion of imagining what things would be if they were worse with the view of preparing for bad things to happen so you can remain poise and in control of your faculties. It also happens to make you appreciate stuff you have way more.
First time seeing your faces 😂 I always listened to your podcasts on Apple podcasts, but discovered you have a channel here too. Thanks to Fern, I learned about my autism. So grateful for her being vocal about it! 🙏 Yes, me too: My life makes so much sense now!
I never thought I could be on spectrum til watching this due to being overly empathetic and intuitive regarding peoples feelings. I'm in my 30s and was popular at school, a trend setter, but was never invested in any of the friendships. I don't judge people, but I can't easily tolerate them either, especially if there's a disconnect between what they communicate and the vibe they give off. I've never understood why people overcomplicate communication with lies, or why people sometimes found me shockingly rude, saying inappropriate things. From my perspective I've always thoughtfully communicated truth. I think I've always compromised my needs due to wanting to be a nice/not difficult person & like Fern I never wanted to be thought of as a diva, even though I know thats how many people may have seen me. I also shared a past as a stripper too (I'd fallback on it whenever I didn't have enough paid gigs). I'm a singer/performer and would sometimes need the lighting low if I was struggling with what i guess you call sensory overload (the stripclubs were better for that). We once performed in a place with the acoustics of a swimming bath and I had to ask people to be quiet if they wanted me to sing. The venue manager looked appalled and probably wouldn't have asked us back if the audience didn't sing our praises. They put my bluntness/bossiness down to being a big black woman (i was perceived as bigger/blacker than i really was due to having a booming bluesy voice). My bluntness makes most people uncomfortable, or they find it funny, both reactions confuse me. I've never tried/intended to criticise or praise anyone (except maybe my children), just observe and comment. e.g. if i say someone has a nice dress and they say 'thankyou' I don't understand it, but accept its 'normal' to most. So I've learnt the social cues, but they can annoy/stress me out as I have an issue saying things that arn't genuine/true. But I can feel others feelings and so therefore hate to hurt/offend anyone. Its like catch 22. People think I'm arrogant/diva If I agree with their observation; but if I disagree with their observation they take that as a sign of insecurity and proceed to pity me/try to build me up. Again, both reactions confuse. Needless to say I have become less sociable as I've gotten older and I can't seem to stick out a romantic relationship either - I've been married once in 2011 due to becoming pregnant, but separated in less than a year and I don't know how many times I've been engaged since. O.K. I could count if i tried, but I'd rather not. I think I love so passionately that I compromise my needs, which can't last forever... Also my ideals are very high and I don't forgive and make-up since my divorce, no matter how sincerely a person tries to apologise. I'm just cold after disappointment. If someone lies even once I'm done. I even become physically repulsed by them too and I've questioned myself about this in depth. They accuse me of pushing everyone away and not accepting love, but it was never the love I didn't accept. It was the dishonesty or disloyalty. I've started to accept/make peace with being alone as relationships have just been too hard for me. As a Christian I believe in the nuclear family home and don't like being a single mum, but I just need to stop striving as it's made me very tired and weary. I don't know if I need to seek a diagnosis as I'll naturally advocate for myself and my faith really helps me to be kinder to myself. This knowledge simply helps me to stop thinking i'm a bad person or that I'm ignorant or rude. So I'm grateful for this interview and for Fern for getting the diagnosis and using her platform to raise awareness that autism isn't always easy spot and how much effort it is for some people to just be acceptable in social situations.
So much of this rang true for me, but especially the part about hiding in the toilets at school.
I love what she says about meltdowns in the book. It really helped me understand what was happening with mine. The alexithymia, the smashing things for unknown reasons, and the sheer exhaustion of masking (what she say here about speaking a foreign language 16 hrs a day that you'll never be fluent in) all the time. I'm male, but her and Hannah G, have helped me so much understanding what's going on. I can't say enough how funny she is, how intelligent, how insightful, and how grateful I am to have found her comedy and her book.
HAHAHA I thought everyone loved Susan Boyle the whole time and I just watched it again and thought the same thing. At least my autistic “not getting it” works in my favor a lot of the time 😂
I was diagnosed with ADHD in Dec 2023 at the age of 41, I have many autistic traits. I enjoyed this so much and thank Fern for her courage. Unmasking is hard but being on an unscripted podcast whoa neurodivergent nightmare! I laughed out loud many times and cried as well. Thanks Fern & boys xx
Stripping... it was reading a book called Songs of the Gorilla Nation about an autistic woman who was also a stripper at one point that clued me in that I was autistic... even though I'd never been a stripper nor had I worked with Gorillas. I'd never considered autism before, but in her narration, I got to see someone who thought like I did. I read the book at age 48 thinking it would be interesting to learn about her story never realising I'd be discovering myself.
Im a 55 year old woman with a CPTSD diagnosis which does have nuerodiverse symptoms that overlap with Autistic symptoms (and ADHD) but a lot of what Fern is saying about social cues and meltdowns Ive attributed to being an only child and just being a difficult shithead. My kids' childhoods were rough due to my meltdowns. Even had a short hospitalization. Working through the guilt. I am so appreciative of Fern's openness and I am excited to read her book. Thanks for the podcast!
0:18 I feel like my ADHD prevented me from having much confusion on this point. I didn't have to understand neurotypical social cues to answer the question concisely because my list of plans for tomorrow was generally "wing it".
Fcukin love fern brady what a great interview, makes me remember I’m not mental just different from the others. Namaste
I watched one of her stand ups yesterday for the first time. Soooo hilarious! I'm an autistic woman myself and it's so awesome to have representation in comedy by Fern. She is my favorite funny public person now. I'm late diagnosed with ASD2 and ADHD, at 50. I also have a background in performance art as a vocalist/dancer/songwriter and I've done a smigeon of stand up comedy too. It was really good for me to get diagnosed, trying to keep up with neurotypical people was seriously burning me out. I'm an Aussie. Aussie Autist, has a real ring to it. I'm coming out of a long burn out hiatus. I have had a very rough trot of it. Myself I am very passionate about autism advocacy, being so late diagnosed; finding out I'm Autistic has been instrumental in healing shame-based identity injury (cptsd) and helping me form a more positive idea of myself.
refreshing to see Fern being so open. thank you. As someone diagnosed in adulthood, i identified with virtually everything she pointed out. Also, kudos to the interviewers for being so respectful and supportive and obviously caring about Fern. Some of these are topics/themes that can be used for a quick cheap laugh and they kept it 100% on topic and from a place of empathy. I'm glad to see 23k people have watched this.
First time watching this and super impressed by the compassionate active listening of the hosts ❤
You guys were so kind to Fern and took her needs into consideration rather than what most Neuro Typicals I’ve found (I’ve ASD by the way) that just shoehorn you into fitting into their world. I’ll keep up with this podcast. New Subscriber.
Re: hugging. Just a small example of a huge problem in society. We don't have an "ask" culture. Everyone makes assumptions, behave certain ways, and treat people how they think they're supposed to without asking.
It was a great book. My Nan bought for me and I’m glad she did.
I could have listened to this interview for even longer. Absolutely marvellous. You guys are so very lovely and sensitive. Fern...you expeessed yiurself so wel,.
Fern is delightful & I appreciate her sharing her story & journey.
One of the best interviews on the subject I have seen on CZcams. Fern is brilliant and funny as always. Keep up the good work guys and thanks for thinking of the lighting before having the guest on, way to do your research.
25:33 Absolutely perfect
I absolutely love Fern, YT served me her stand up to me before I got my own diagnosis. Amazing what the algorithm knows! Highly recommend her book! 💜
So much relatable content here, full of great insight. I think I'll need to bookmark this one.
Love Fern and her vulnerable courage in sharing her experiences. On Taskmaster, I knew there was more and searched out her background. This is so enlightening. I'm a recovering neurotypical.
One of my favourite comedians and on a podcast that I love, happy days 😊
Late-diagnosed ASD1 (male) here, just discovered Fern's standup last week via Netflix and yeah, her experience is very relatable. Thanks so much for giving her such an open-structured chunk of time to chat!
Thank you, Fern! This interview helped me understand myself better, and my childhood, and the friends I have now (both NT and ND). I feel so much better when I understand.
This was such a wonderful, wonderful conversation .
First time seeing your channel and really loved this. Love what amazing listeners and fantastic questions you had. You guys seem like really cool and thoughtful fellows.🫶
Thank you for doing this! Love Fern Brady and Love hearing a voice out there representing someone like me. Incredibly similar lives just like she was describing another woman had said "we have the same life!" 🫠😅🥰
Thanks Fern! You are such an amazing person and i love your style ! ❤🌹❤
I recently got my ASD diagnosis at the age of 32, content like this is really helpful to me. It's really interesting to hear other autistic people's experiences.
Oof, this opened up a few suppressed memories. Thank you Fern.
This is awesome
I’m autistic and bipolar.. my family just sees me as “ less than “ because of both. The only thing I thought was “ I’m part of you “ .. genetics and parenting… and when you have been in therapy ( and the only one ) since you were 10
Lovely interview. Thank you❤❤❤
Thanks for writing about meltdowns. You choosing to do that has really helped me.
Fantastic episode- love the whole interaction!
thank you for sharing this podcast and giving fern an opportunity to speak about her experiences🙂❤
So many moments in this lit my neurons up.❤
great interview and useful to hear her experiences
10 mins in and I'm hooked, loving the honesty Fern, grateful to have a decent listen for my study breaks this eve, cheers mate
Love Fern Brady! ❤
More fabulousness from Fern.
I came here as a fan of Fern and left as a fan of the channel as well! Superb stuff, chaps!
Learned so much from this conversation!
Fern said that autistic people often ask a lot of questions just to get information and certainty, but overstep implicit boundaries and hierarchies. I got into trouble a lot for that. My teachers have often addressed me sarcastically, just because I asked a lot of questions. I don't really have the social sophistication to respond to the subtleties of social hierarchies, so I just try to be respectful and kind to everyone. This often isn't enough. When I first met the head of my graduate program I got into a big argument with him. He tried to bully me intellectually, and I wasn't having it. It's an aspect of neurotypical culture that I hate. He thought he was acting normally, but he was using his place in the hierarchy as the "final word" against my more measured arguments.
I'm a huge fan of Ms. Brady's comedy. I also read and loved her book. This interview was great. I learn so much every time I hear her and this format was great.
So relatable 😩
There’s so many points to this video I can relate to and love. I love the android/apple analogy. At work I definitely find communication flow better with other ND people. I also don’t have the same accent as where I come from. We’re so similar in this attitude towards death. Mine came after I survived cancer. It really changes your outlook on life.
28:36 made me cry
First heard of Fern from watching Taskmaster. She’s brilliant and funny and I agree that her Scottish accent is top on the list.
I wasn't diagnosed autistic with ADHD until this year at the age of 43. My life feels essentially over. I spent 6.5 years in the military and ended up injuring my back, getting 2 titanium rods along with a spinal fusion, I require another spinal fusion in my neck, arthritis in my ankles, hands, and spine, Also, found bipolar II disorder when I was getting sober off of IV drug use and opiates, along with PTSD from my time deployed. What's really crazy, or I guess affirming for me is listening to her speak about her autism. Mine is the same way. My skin will burn in a sense when people I don't want to touch me, touch me, or when I get touched at the wrong time, I don't like to put myself out there too much, but I get told by people especially family that I'm extremely needy, and always asking for this or for that. My therapist says that I grew up neglected and that's where the bipolar II began setting in. The "weirdness" my mother and father noticed, but didn't persue, was the autism and adhd. Hearing her descriptions about what she goes through reminds me a lot of what I deal with, not identical, but the touch thing, not telling people every single thing you are going to do tomorrow lol, masking feeling like a foreign language. All that is true for me as well.
Six Feet Under was fantastic. I'm of a similar age to Fern, and remember the first series of SFU being on TV first time round and really enjoying it (at least the first season). Recently bought the DVD box set and my wife and I fucking loved it. Excellent show.
I got my ADHD/AuDHD* diagnosis at 35, 2 years ago next month. And whilst obviously with ADHD there are medical routes to managing presentations, the biggest thing it helped with was making me stop being hard on myself for not being "normal". That in itself has made my tendency to have meltdowns a lot less prominent. Just being easier on myself about my behaviour makes me less likely to melt down, even if I still definitely have mood swings that I can't ALWAYS keep from spilling into reacting badly and taking them out on other people, but I'm a lot less likely to go the kind of batshit that makes people think "yeah, distance from this guy"
*just to explain the "slash AuDHD": nailed on ADHD, but my psychologist said he was also fairly confident that I have autism, but given how many overlapping presentations I have, he said he'd need more assessments to say for sure, and I wasn't sure what the benefit would be at that point, though I'm still considering it now, almost 2 years later. I just thought at the time that because ADHD has a fairly simple "this will make you more reliable at work" hack, in tablet form, that would have a bigger impact on my life, though the longer time goes on the more I think I'd benefit from going back for "the rest", as it were
Pure dead brilliant ❤
OMGggg I related to everything she said!! I'm only 20 mins in, but I LOVE Six Feet Under yeeeessss, it's my all time favourite show
Embrace your ability to be direct and forthright. I don't bother with the social conversation game anymore as it is mentally exhausting. I just say it how it is and people seem to love me for it. I think autistic people are just very honest.
Now that I’m aware of why I am the way I am, I embrace it.
If you ask me what I’m doing/did on the weekend? I may well list that I did the laundry, cooked porridge and a slow cook meal, changed sheets on the beds and tidied the house including the plant care…
If the person asking wanted to know if I did anything interesting or out of the routine, I’d hope they could be direct enough to ask so, if this is the information they are looking for.
I love Fern and what she says at 1:09:15 really resonated with me because I also had my diagnosis delayed by someone telling me "we're all on the spectrum." Ironically, I think it's quite likely that the person who said that to me is also undiagnosed so *HE* is (probably) on the spectrum, but allistic people are absolutely not "a little on the spectrum," they're allistic.
We have several autistic kids and a friend of ours have that response of "Aren't we all on the spectrum, though?" Oh, I was so frustrated and disheartened by that. Like, no. That's not how this works.
Person A: I think I’m gay. I’ve just been feeling all these feelings and never felt like I fit it and…
Person B: *In complete ignorance
* we’re all a little bit gay. .
‘A lot of people don’t like you saying ‘you’re gonna be dead soon’’ 😂
My GP, who also ran the surgery itself, told me I couldn’t be autistic because I’m in a relationship. He also was more keen to get me ADHD diagnosed because at least I would get medication. Where’s the training for doctors?!
Now I know why I was smoking 2 packs of smokes a day by 16 years old. Let alone druuuuuuuuuuugs and alcohol. A lot of that too.
32:57 this is what happens anytime someone asks me a simple question, even just like "are you done with this cup"
I started college in August and haven't seen my friends since but I just keep thinking I will see them in June! Always say no to plans cause I have some assessment or another coming up and friends are like wtf OK
I remember that too 47:50 when I was in daycare and maybe 4 years old. I observed other children, had no idea what my function was. Pure confusion, selective mutism. I think I wasn't even shy or anxious yet, it was just pure autistic confusion.
just have my voice heared, there are probably a lot of undiagnosed boys, having the same difficulties with school, society, friendship, belonging and purpose as well. just because boys are more diagnosed, it doesn't mean there is a lower count in individuals with painful experience, though the percentage of individuals that are not able to cope/mask is higher in males / the percantage of females, able to _kinda_ meet societies unrealistic requirements, is higher.
thanks fern brady for speaking out!
I got diagnosed today, the number of things here I've said myself before pursuing diagnosis T.T
22:46 that feeling is ayahuasca 😂
nice 1
I think in pictures and was diagnosed in my late 50s. I'm 70 now and 3 of my 4 granddaughters are Autistic too.
I've got synaesthesia so I hear colours and shapes. It's brilliant ! My youngest grandchild just turned 18 and is non binary, I'm lesbian and the other 2 are bi.
I get shit from people I've known for years, as if I'm not Autistic enough. 😠
I met you once at the Stand and you said you looked like Boy George 😆 . I think I know your Badger Teacher btw. 💖
Had MULTIPLE conversations with my ex-partner about how much I HATE being lightly touched and every single bloody time, it was what she wanted and I was an asshole. N.B. EX partner.
THANKS FOR DELETEING MY COMMENTS, YET AGAIN. FASCISTS. I hate this fucking platform
Funny, how this channel is called the imperfects and the pinned video is 'we are all imperfect, welcome' and yet every comment I made after the first one was immediately deleted. I was subscribed, but not anymore, I don't feel welcome at all.