I think the biggest red flag is "you don't have to work, I'll take cate of you." Followed by trapping you in a low paid career or keeping you from going for a high paid profession. Example: you can be a health aide but not apply to medical school. Following you to work or job interviews. And god, I fell for that joint account thing. We lived in absolute poverty, bought the groceries etc, but all the time he got into a higher tax bracket. I never felt more controlled as an adult than when I was married. nightmare. The finances are the surest way to trap you.
I experienced this....I am so grateful I took my chances and ended the marriage... Removing myself from the negative energy actually improved my financial situation.
No kidding!! Can be male or female !!! It can be a combination of abuses as mentioned above. And note: your mail opened by spouse before you can see your own mail. I had to work " to earn my keep ". Little did I know ibwas paying for everything while he was banking his income for the 20 years. Often the spouse will not speak of what goes on behind closed doors due to embarrassmemt. I was not permitted to have friends. Myself and the kids had little for clothes. Hebwas well dressed as was a business man. I was just a nurse though offered management and teaching positions. Had well over $1,500,000 but by the time the divorce came along hebhad less than $150,000 in assets. 3800 square foot home ( value about $700,000 )paid off in the 90s but worth $ 127,000 by the time of divorce he Had lovely business trips. Everything I purchased was in his name even stocks which disappeared during the divorce. Etc , etc After the divorce. My quality and the kids quality of life improved emotionally so well. I was able to save 50% of my income monthly. It took me 2 1/2 years to save for a damage deposit and first month's rent before we left. Forget child support. Why pay a lawyer every month when the lawyers fees were higher than the " supposed " child payments. Was supposed to be joint custody but the kids moved in with me permanently within a month. They would spend all the time at the apartment I rented and I drove them home at bedtime. Took to long to make the decision to leave. I am Roman catholic.
I had all this, not allowed to work or drive, no access to money not even a few pence. If I wanted a small item I had to explain why and it was often refused...all under the disguise of 'I'm looking after you, take you where you need to go, sort out all the finances etc'. I eventually got out but it took 25 years when the kids were grown to gain my freedom. Now I have my own money, am driving etc., no one controlling me
Schools should teach students about financial abuse in health class and how to recognize signs of narcissistic personality disorder and how to go No Contact.
I'm going through this right now. He's gone so far as disabling the car and turning off the wifi. I have to ask for everything. I'm currently waiting for a space in a DV shelter to open.
There are even more subtle forms of financial abuse: arranging to have the prenup written up and not providing enough time for the other person to have it looked at by another attorney, thus making it a situation of forcing that person to sign under duress (in effect making that prenup null and void). Having a mutual agreement when both people are working for each to contribute proportional to their incomes, but when one job is lost due to illness or other factors out of their control, their contribution to the household finances isn't adjusted to the loss of income, and the spouse refuses to allow the now unemployed spouse to stop putting into the joint account, even if it's cutting into their savings/retirement funds. Another form of financial abuse is to never take vacations even though the joint income can well afford it; the only so-called vacations are to visit their family... and it's paid for out of the joint account. Yet if travel is taken to the abused person's family all costs have to be covered from their own personal finances, never the joint account. Narcissists are petty, vindictive and manipulative.
Him and his sister were in on it. Collected my cash from 2010-2019 for his house that he failed to tell me that it was already paid off... (about $90,000 total) I left that pos in 2020 after finding out mid 2019. I didn't get anything close....
I remember we had financial difficulties and I offered to help try to balance the books so to speak and asked for the accounts to be shown to me so I could write income and expenditure, you know see where money is going and what we could change, if anything to help, he refused and I still don’t know his account numbers or have never seen the bank statements …..is this abuse? Xxx
That’s true until the wife gets pregnant and has children. Truly unending things that could prevent someone from working or at least work as they used to.
You obviously didn't watch the video. He covered multiple reasons WHY women aren't able to work while in relationship/marriage with controlling person.
Husband takes out credit card 💳 in wife's name when he no longer lives with his wife & half a dozen very young children. Elderly Grandma has been/ is paying for the wife & children for over 10 yrs now. Husband Max's out the credit card 💳 he took out without his wife knowing until they call wife who doesn't work due to expensive child care for a half dozen young children. Grandma has always footed the bill because husband is a deceiver, slacker & blackmailer of lies. 💔💔💔
@@Taylor086 we did some research on this subject on a Federal Government Website. It said the only way to not be responsible for the Credit 💳 Card he opened in her name then maxed it out without her knowledge is to file charges against him. The bank that holds the Credit 💳 Card also says she has to file charges saying she didn't open this account & had no knowledge of it. They also recommend freezing the Credit 💳 Card in instead of cancelling it because he had made 3 minimum payments for $30.00 each in almost 9 months. But that was months ago & still has made no payments. But he has no problem paying fees for a local dating site & paying for messages to one person in particular. But hey we got screenshots of the whole dating site debacle so this is proof he👹 chose to deliberately pay that instead of the Credit 💳 Card he maxed in her name. Financial Abuse right here, got him👹!!
@@Taylor086 On a Federal Government Website it says "yes". She must go to a police station & file a fraud report according to the Bank that holds the MasterCard. Her husband told her she better not do that or else!! Her husband as with everything threatens Blackmail to lie to CPS until the kids get taken from her home when he👹 doesn't get his way. He says the kids will get put in Foster Care before she can prove herself Innocent & good luck getting them back. I've never seen anyone like him👹 in my almost 70yrs here on earth🌎. He even said multiple times last year he thinks he has a Demon👹 inside him. What's the current phrase? When someone tells you who they are believe them!
This info is so important but, as a marketer with ADHD as well as a person who loves learning from CZcams, I have to tell you the angle of this video is condescending and intimidating. The content of this video could be so powerful. I hope it reaches who needs it, and think it might reach more with a slight change like a camera angle review or adjustment.
Sorry that was such a minute, nitpicks point. The value of what you say here is huge - the angle shouldn’t matter but it might scare off some people who need to hear it.
At 7:40 Is it Financial Abuse when you make 80% of the income and your spouse does all the Banking. Then going nearly into Bankruptcy and find out your spouse is forging your name on your cheques and all your pay is going to another bank account you never knew existed with another mailing address. Is this common!
Ih you're going gentle on this. Some will keep the spouse urgently wirking multiple jobs to keep the family survicibg, steal money from the purse, write checks or use card on the spouse's accounts, make up emergency expenses and ask others for help (causing unknown embarrassment) but also getting the money as an emergency from the cictim, and yes ruining credit (at the last minute when they know it linits ability to secure housing etc
Also - a man who refuses to hold down a regular job but keeps pushing his wife to work harder and harder so that he can take it easy. And when he does occasionally work, won’t put his paychecks in the joint account.
I had a live in gf in the mid 80's who would spend bills' money on stupid shit, like designer shoes. She put me in $5k in credit card debt, it would be about $20k today. I broke up with her, and it took almost 4 years to pay it off. I still think I got off cheap.
7:34 you kind of got me here but not really. My job is my kids and making sure they aren’t home alone just for me to make money. Or with anyone who can take advantage of them. Also i don’t want to work bc i know he’d be worse!!! I do work online and i do make some money but it’s more good for groceries for the kids and i since he doesn’t think that’s important.
Pretty obvious you just made this up because this video is about men like you. Even if it's true, she was cooking for you, cleaning, etc and you didn't pay her for having a full time job as a house wife. You obviously don't love this woman so why not divorcing her? You love the benefits of being taken care of? What are you complaining exactly?
You just made this up. Even if it's true, she was cooking for you, cleaning, etc and you didn't pay her. Why? And why don't you divorce her if she's so bad? Like having a made who makes your life comfortable? You are just mad and want to criticize women. This isn't the place for that. Go back to your red pill men channels!
Bolox, it is common knowledge that women spend money influenced by advertising and “friends”. You should talk about family budget and money management. On top of that what about humbling, addicted spouse who would spend the money as soon as it lands in the account?
"Bolox," the ex spent money the second it touched his fingertips. I paid bills and bought food. While he was buying whatever his little heart desired, I was trying to figure out if I should get a pair of cheap shoes for myself, as the others had holes, or could I wait a month or so to get them since there were other things to take care of. I am a frugal person. I don't spend money frivolously. You may have had a bad experience with a female spending money, but there's just as many of us out here, living within our means, not spending money on stupid stuff.
🙏🏼 Do you practice in Florida?? I desperately need help before mine makes me lose the roof over my head while he's off playing house with his girlfriend in Ft Myers. If you don't practice in Florida, do you know anyone who does and could help me? He's done everything in his power to prevent me from filing forca divorce and he made over $200,000.00 last year, but he ran off with our business and is living the high life while I was forced on EBT and I'm struggling to survive everything. 😢 Any help would definitely be appreciated! 🙏🏼
You plan. You set a goal. You execute the plan, and hit the goal. Always keep your eye on the goal, and you will meet it. Being afraid is normal when you first leave, but you can do it. Having a supportive friend is very helpful.
I don't understand how GIVING someone a little extra of YOUR money (an allowance?) is abuse. My wife and I had separate bank accounts before we got married. We were both working and paying bills. Then she quit her job soon after. I pay for everything, food, mortgage, transportation, etc. I put the same amount of money in her wants that I do in mine (an allowance). Though she still spends more... over $3,500 more just this year! Am I supposed to just say screw the budget and let her spend whatever she desires or it's abuse? This world has gone crazy!
"Let her" idk, check the language you're using and evaluate if it's healthy or not. The term allowance, really is another way to say "I'll allow it" or "let her." It also reeks of treating someone like a child. Sounds controlling to me, in my opinion. I think most healthy couples share an account right? Idk. If her spending is an issue and she can't be trusted with your (both of your) money...why are you married or hopefully at least in counseling? Also, viewing it is YOUR money, is problematic as well, especially if you both agreed to her quitting. If you did not agree to that, it sounds like again, you really need to take that up with her, a counselor, or divorce court.
@briannacarroll198 You can't have a "healthy" relationship if both people in the relationship aren't healthy. I had 8 great years with her. I keep hoping to get that back. That's why I stay. Her mom died on Easter Sunday in 2018, we believe the nursing home killed her from neglect. She was supposed to go get her and cook but was feeling depressed, so she stayed in bed. I was working. She felt guilty over it. 4 months later, she was cleaning my mom's house complaining of feeling tired and my brother put meth in front of her. Our lives haven't been the same since. She was an ex addict clean for 12 years at the time! She knows she needs help, but continues to refuse it because she got clean on her own before and thinks she still can, but 5 and a half years later it still hasn't happened. I'm not sure how else I can deal with the situation. She asks for drug money, I tell her no. So she waits till I fall asleep and takes my car and credit card to buy beer and trade it with her drug dealers. It has gotten better though. At one point, I'd be sleeping because I had to work in the morning, and she would physically get on top of me until I gave in! She's spent an average of $650 per month over the past 5 and a half years on her wants! I'm about to give up on my marriage and it sucks!
@bradjbourgeois73 I'm glad you clarified that important part. I'm so sorry you're going through that. You aren't alone in this crazy world, a lot of people have substance abuse problems and it ruins everything. Is there a local Al Anon group you can connect with for support? They are for the friends and relatives of addicts. There's no way to have a real marriage in active addiction. Only an enabling relationship. Unfortunately she will have to hit rock bottom and want to seek help for her own reasons. Relapse is always a possibility with recovering addicts. When it happens, you can always love her....from a safe distance. Easier said than done I'm sure. But if you don't, you'll be no better off than her. I know these things just from years working in mental health and substance abuse, as well as being in a codependent marriage, and generational trauma (grew up with a mom addicted to prescription pills). Wishing you all of the strength!!
@briannacarroll198 I'm not sure what you are trying to say, but it seems like you are saying that because she is my wife, she is entitled to spend as much money as she wants to and because I am her husband and choose to stay with her, that I am obligated to give it to her. That's insane. I'm not stopping her from working, I actually encourage it! But the pattern keeps happening. She gets excited, gets a job, works for a few days, stays up on drugs for six, seven... even 10 days at a time. Looses the job after 2 weeks because she doesn't go in... and somehow I'm to blame because I'm being responsible? Uh, no.
@bradjbourgeois73 I had a really kind reply written to you a few weeks ago. I'm not sure where that comment went? But I was entirely on your side. (Also my daughter changed my username but I am the same commenter as before). I am sorry you are dealing with the substance abuse. You really cannot have a normal relationship with that going on. Certainly not one with money. My first comment was just addressing that is seemed abnormal to use that type of language in a normal relationship. To be clear, at no point did I say she should spend whatever she wants. In a normal relationship, if a person didnt have self control or communication skills to agree upon budgets, it would be grounds for a counselor, separation, or divorce. Your situation is entirely different and I hope you're able to get out before it ruins you or that she gets better quickly. I'm so sorry!
What about emotional abuse women use everyday and the silent treatment, what about a partner over spending unnecessarily and the crap saying happy wife happy life. So what abuse is it when a spouse demands to stay home or expects to stay home and do little with her partner work and pay all the bills , this is another form of abuse
Didn't you discuss that BEFORE marriage? If you agreed she should stay home and not work or you agreed she should stay home to raise your children (which is a TON of work, especially if she's homeschooling, too), then that's what you should expect. No complaining. Whereas if you agreed BEFORE getting married that you both would work and she's refusing to work, that's a different story and grounds for divorce.
You know what, staying single for life ain’t that bad.
Agreed. It is better than IRRESPONSIBLE people trying to destroy the lives of others through Marriage.
@@AffectionateSeaOtter Couldn't agree more
@@Melly16yr101:16
I think the biggest red flag is "you don't have to work, I'll take cate of you."
Followed by trapping you in a low paid career or keeping you from going for a high paid profession. Example: you can be a health aide but not apply to medical school.
Following you to work or job interviews.
And god, I fell for that joint account thing. We lived in absolute poverty, bought the groceries etc, but all the time he got into a higher tax bracket. I never felt more controlled as an adult than when I was married.
nightmare. The finances are the surest way to trap you.
ugh! my brother in law (mussolini) told my sister this when thye married - now sh wears WALMART CLOTHES when BEFORE she wore designer clothes.
@@lindanorris2455Any chance she can get out safely?
This happened to me.
I experienced this....I am so grateful I took my chances and ended the marriage... Removing myself from the negative energy actually improved my financial situation.
Bread crumbing and lying about money and he won't show the bank account records, paychecks, not making decisions with the wife (me) about money
Yes!
My ex wife.
No kidding!! Can be male or female !!! It can be a combination of abuses as mentioned above. And note: your mail opened by spouse before you can see your own mail. I had to work " to earn my keep ". Little did I know ibwas paying for everything while he was banking his income for the 20 years. Often the spouse will not speak of what goes on behind closed doors due to embarrassmemt. I was not permitted to have friends.
Myself and the kids had little for clothes. Hebwas well dressed as was a business man. I was just a nurse though offered management and teaching positions. Had well over $1,500,000 but by the time the divorce came along hebhad less than $150,000 in assets. 3800 square foot home ( value about $700,000 )paid off in the 90s but worth $ 127,000 by the time of divorce he Had lovely business trips. Everything I purchased was in his name even stocks which disappeared during the divorce.
Etc , etc
After the divorce. My quality and the kids quality of life improved emotionally so well. I was able to save 50% of my income monthly. It took me 2 1/2 years to save for a damage deposit and first month's rent before we left. Forget child support. Why pay a lawyer every month when the lawyers fees were higher than the " supposed " child payments. Was supposed to be joint custody but the kids moved in with me permanently within a month. They would spend all the time at the apartment I rented and I drove them home at bedtime.
Took to long to make the decision to leave. I am Roman catholic.
Don't forget being bullied into cosigning for something the family cannot afford.
I had all this, not allowed to work or drive, no access to money not even a few pence. If I wanted a small item I had to explain why and it was often refused...all under the disguise of 'I'm looking after you, take you where you need to go, sort out all the finances etc'. I eventually got out but it took 25 years when the kids were grown to gain my freedom.
Now I have my own money, am driving etc., no one controlling me
Schools should teach students about financial abuse in health class and how to recognize signs of narcissistic personality disorder and how to go No Contact.
Especially with a major imbalance of power.
I'm going through this right now. He's gone so far as disabling the car and turning off the wifi. I have to ask for everything. I'm currently waiting for a space in a DV shelter to open.
Also, going to the bank to get a loan for what he wants, behind the wife's back.
Allowing one partner to take on the bulk of credit cards charges for various things. Agree to pay half of everything & doesn't 😢
Your points were accurate and on point. I didn't know how to articulate what he was doing. Thank you.
You missed gambling and depleting savings to the point of poverty.
There are even more subtle forms of financial abuse: arranging to have the prenup written up and not providing enough time for the other person to have it looked at by another attorney, thus making it a situation of forcing that person to sign under duress (in effect making that prenup null and void). Having a mutual agreement when both people are working for each to contribute proportional to their incomes, but when one job is lost due to illness or other factors out of their control, their contribution to the household finances isn't adjusted to the loss of income, and the spouse refuses to allow the now unemployed spouse to stop putting into the joint account, even if it's cutting into their savings/retirement funds. Another form of financial abuse is to never take vacations even though the joint income can well afford it; the only so-called vacations are to visit their family... and it's paid for out of the joint account. Yet if travel is taken to the abused person's family all costs have to be covered from their own personal finances, never the joint account. Narcissists are petty, vindictive and manipulative.
Verbal/emotional abuse
Him and his sister were in on it. Collected my cash from 2010-2019 for his house that he failed to tell me that it was already paid off... (about $90,000 total) I left that pos in 2020 after finding out mid 2019. I didn't get anything close....
This was my marriage and my parent’s’ marriage- just awful
Rotten home life I had with these type of parents. I was like skin covered bones. I'll say no more about it.😢
I remember we had financial difficulties and I offered to help try to balance the books so to speak and asked for the accounts to be shown to me so I could write income and expenditure, you know see where money is going and what we could change, if anything to help, he refused and I still don’t know his account numbers or have never seen the bank statements …..is this abuse? Xxx
Do you really have to ask if this is abuse? Yes, it is!!
What about this? He blows thousands of $ on MLM/ get-rich-quick schemes. You have to justify getting an inexpensive haircut.
Make your own Money and be independent that simple .
That’s true until the wife gets pregnant and has children. Truly unending things that could prevent someone from working or at least work as they used to.
@@kathleendonahue5955including msp (Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy) by narcissist or spouse in general.
You obviously didn't watch the video. He covered multiple reasons WHY women aren't able to work while in relationship/marriage with controlling person.
women also frequently get fired when they get married.
I was black balled from employment & u know it's true u bastard.
Husband takes out credit card 💳 in wife's name when he no longer lives with his wife & half a dozen very young children. Elderly Grandma has been/ is paying for the wife & children for over 10 yrs now. Husband Max's out the credit card 💳 he took out without his wife knowing until they call wife who doesn't work due to expensive child care for a half dozen young children. Grandma has always footed the bill because husband is a deceiver, slacker & blackmailer of lies. 💔💔💔
Can he be charged with fraud? I know it's probably hard to proove, but consult a lawyer and the police.
@@Taylor086 we did some research on this subject on a Federal Government Website. It said the only way to not be responsible for the Credit 💳 Card he opened in her name then maxed it out without her knowledge is to file charges against him. The bank that holds the Credit 💳 Card also says she has to file charges saying she didn't open this account & had no knowledge of it. They also recommend freezing the Credit 💳 Card in instead of cancelling it because he had made 3 minimum payments for $30.00 each in almost 9 months. But that was months ago & still has made no payments. But he has no problem paying fees for a local dating site & paying for messages to one person in particular. But hey we got screenshots of the whole dating site debacle so this is proof he👹 chose to deliberately pay that instead of the Credit 💳 Card he maxed in her name. Financial Abuse right here, got him👹!!
@@Taylor086 On a Federal Government Website it says "yes".
She must go to a police station & file a fraud report according to the Bank that holds the MasterCard.
Her husband told her she better not do that or else!!
Her husband as with everything threatens Blackmail to lie to CPS until the kids get taken from her home when he👹 doesn't get his way.
He says the kids will get put in Foster Care before she can prove herself Innocent & good luck getting them back.
I've never seen anyone like him👹 in my almost 70yrs here on earth🌎.
He even said multiple times last year he thinks he has a Demon👹 inside him.
What's the current phrase? When someone tells you who they are believe them!
Know all about this, 44 years of experience , Not wanting to see it now I am paying for it
This info is so important but, as a marketer with ADHD as well as a person who loves learning from CZcams, I have to tell you the angle of this video is condescending and intimidating.
The content of this video could be so powerful. I hope it reaches who needs it, and think it might reach more with a slight change like a camera angle review or adjustment.
Sorry that was such a minute, nitpicks point. The value of what you say here is huge - the angle shouldn’t matter but it might scare off some people who need to hear it.
At 7:40 Is it Financial Abuse when you make 80% of the income and your spouse does all the Banking. Then going nearly into Bankruptcy and find out your spouse is forging your name on your cheques and all your pay is going to another bank account you never knew existed with another mailing address. Is this common!
Ih you're going gentle on this. Some will keep the spouse urgently wirking multiple jobs to keep the family survicibg, steal money from the purse, write checks or use card on the spouse's accounts, make up emergency expenses and ask others for help (causing unknown embarrassment) but also getting the money as an emergency from the cictim, and yes ruining credit (at the last minute when they know it linits ability to secure housing etc
Definitely went gentle on her
There are also less EXTREME forms of Financial Abuse than the ones listed in this video. These ones are easy to detect
This is just true!
Although not as common women are capable of some of this behavior as well.
Also - a man who refuses to hold down a regular job but keeps pushing his wife to work harder and harder so that he can take it easy. And when he does occasionally work, won’t put his paychecks in the joint account.
Thanks. Many don't believe financial abuse happens. My ex spouse financially abused me. M
THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE WITH MY HUSBAND - MULTIPLE SECRET BANK ACCOUNTS - WHAT ARE SOLUTIONS?
Make a plan.
Waiting for someone to mature to do the right thing could leave you waiting a lifetime
Or the spouse gets critically ill and they stop paying cancer treatments
I had a live in gf in the mid 80's who would spend bills' money on stupid shit, like designer shoes. She put me in $5k in credit card debt, it would be about $20k today. I broke up with her, and it took almost 4 years to pay it off. I still think I got off cheap.
my ex husband will not even pay his share of the meal on my children's birthday, saying no money all the time 😂😂#where'syourballs
7:34 you kind of got me here but not really. My job is my kids and making sure they aren’t home alone just for me to make money. Or with anyone who can take advantage of them. Also i don’t want to work bc i know he’d be worse!!! I do work online and i do make some money but it’s more good for groceries for the kids and i since he doesn’t think that’s important.
My wife refused to work for years. Now employed, but refuses to pay any of the bills and taxes.
No kids? Then cut your losses and count yourself lucky, I guess...
Pretty obvious you just made this up because this video is about men like you. Even if it's true, she was cooking for you, cleaning, etc and you didn't pay her for having a full time job as a house wife. You obviously don't love this woman so why not divorcing her? You love the benefits of being taken care of? What are you complaining exactly?
You just made this up.
Even if it's true, she was cooking for you, cleaning, etc and you didn't pay her. Why? And why don't you divorce her if she's so bad? Like having a made who makes your life comfortable? You are just mad and want to criticize women. This isn't the place for that. Go back to your red pill men channels!
Wow sounds just like my ex wife colvert narcissist not always a guy
Bolox, it is common knowledge that women spend money influenced by advertising and “friends”. You should talk about family budget and money management. On top of that what about humbling, addicted spouse who would spend the money as soon as it lands in the account?
"Bolox," the ex spent money the second it touched his fingertips. I paid bills and bought food. While he was buying whatever his little heart desired, I was trying to figure out if I should get a pair of cheap shoes for myself, as the others had holes, or could I wait a month or so to get them since there were other things to take care of. I am a frugal person. I don't spend money frivolously. You may have had a bad experience with a female spending money, but there's just as many of us out here, living within our means, not spending money on stupid stuff.
🙏🏼 Do you practice in Florida?? I desperately need help before mine makes me lose the roof over my head while he's off playing house with his girlfriend in Ft Myers.
If you don't practice in Florida, do you know anyone who does and could help me?
He's done everything in his power to prevent me from filing forca divorce and he made over $200,000.00 last year, but he ran off with our business and is living the high life while I was forced on EBT and I'm struggling to survive everything. 😢
Any help would definitely be appreciated! 🙏🏼
how can someone be certain they will get enuf $ to pay all home /car bills before divorce is final ?
You plan. You set a goal. You execute the plan, and hit the goal. Always keep your eye on the goal, and you will meet it. Being afraid is normal when you first leave, but you can do it. Having a supportive friend is very helpful.
I didn’t know that having his own account for his pay to go into was a form of abuse? Xxx
My x, supported his x, during pur marriage.
😞😢
💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰🏦☑
I don't understand how GIVING someone a little extra of YOUR money (an allowance?) is abuse. My wife and I had separate bank accounts before we got married. We were both working and paying bills. Then she quit her job soon after. I pay for everything, food, mortgage, transportation, etc. I put the same amount of money in her wants that I do in mine (an allowance). Though she still spends more... over $3,500 more just this year! Am I supposed to just say screw the budget and let her spend whatever she desires or it's abuse? This world has gone crazy!
"Let her" idk, check the language you're using and evaluate if it's healthy or not. The term allowance, really is another way to say "I'll allow it" or "let her." It also reeks of treating someone like a child. Sounds controlling to me, in my opinion.
I think most healthy couples share an account right? Idk. If her spending is an issue and she can't be trusted with your (both of your) money...why are you married or hopefully at least in counseling?
Also, viewing it is YOUR money, is problematic as well, especially if you both agreed to her quitting. If you did not agree to that, it sounds like again, you really need to take that up with her, a counselor, or divorce court.
@briannacarroll198 You can't have a "healthy" relationship if both people in the relationship aren't healthy. I had 8 great years with her. I keep hoping to get that back. That's why I stay. Her mom died on Easter Sunday in 2018, we believe the nursing home killed her from neglect. She was supposed to go get her and cook but was feeling depressed, so she stayed in bed. I was working. She felt guilty over it. 4 months later, she was cleaning my mom's house complaining of feeling tired and my brother put meth in front of her. Our lives haven't been the same since. She was an ex addict clean for 12 years at the time! She knows she needs help, but continues to refuse it because she got clean on her own before and thinks she still can, but 5 and a half years later it still hasn't happened. I'm not sure how else I can deal with the situation. She asks for drug money, I tell her no. So she waits till I fall asleep and takes my car and credit card to buy beer and trade it with her drug dealers. It has gotten better though. At one point, I'd be sleeping because I had to work in the morning, and she would physically get on top of me until I gave in! She's spent an average of $650 per month over the past 5 and a half years on her wants! I'm about to give up on my marriage and it sucks!
@bradjbourgeois73 I'm glad you clarified that important part. I'm so sorry you're going through that. You aren't alone in this crazy world, a lot of people have substance abuse problems and it ruins everything. Is there a local Al Anon group you can connect with for support? They are for the friends and relatives of addicts. There's no way to have a real marriage in active addiction. Only an enabling relationship. Unfortunately she will have to hit rock bottom and want to seek help for her own reasons. Relapse is always a possibility with recovering addicts. When it happens, you can always love her....from a safe distance. Easier said than done I'm sure. But if you don't, you'll be no better off than her.
I know these things just from years working in mental health and substance abuse, as well as being in a codependent marriage, and generational trauma (grew up with a mom addicted to prescription pills).
Wishing you all of the strength!!
@briannacarroll198 I'm not sure what you are trying to say, but it seems like you are saying that because she is my wife, she is entitled to spend as much money as she wants to and because I am her husband and choose to stay with her, that I am obligated to give it to her. That's insane. I'm not stopping her from working, I actually encourage it! But the pattern keeps happening. She gets excited, gets a job, works for a few days, stays up on drugs for six, seven... even 10 days at a time. Looses the job after 2 weeks because she doesn't go in... and somehow I'm to blame because I'm being responsible? Uh, no.
@bradjbourgeois73 I had a really kind reply written to you a few weeks ago. I'm not sure where that comment went? But I was entirely on your side. (Also my daughter changed my username but I am the same commenter as before). I am sorry you are dealing with the substance abuse. You really cannot have a normal relationship with that going on. Certainly not one with money. My first comment was just addressing that is seemed abnormal to use that type of language in a normal relationship. To be clear, at no point did I say she should spend whatever she wants. In a normal relationship, if a person didnt have self control or communication skills to agree upon budgets, it would be grounds for a counselor, separation, or divorce. Your situation is entirely different and I hope you're able to get out before it ruins you or that she gets better quickly. I'm so sorry!
What about emotional abuse women use everyday and the silent treatment, what about a partner over spending unnecessarily and the crap saying happy wife happy life.
So what abuse is it when a spouse demands to stay home or expects to stay home and do little with her partner work and pay all the bills , this is another form of abuse
What about a wife secretly blows every dime possible on gambling addiction? To the point where there was little or no food to bring to the table?
Didn't you discuss that BEFORE marriage?
If you agreed she should stay home and not work or you agreed she should stay home to raise your children (which is a TON of work, especially if she's homeschooling, too), then that's what you should expect. No complaining.
Whereas if you agreed BEFORE getting married that you both would work and she's refusing to work, that's a different story and grounds for divorce.
Thank you.