The insults you hear in a narcissistic relationship
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To a narcissist you can never have any issues with them. They take any criticism as an insult then tell you you're the problem
I see you've met my mother. And sister. I thought I was adopted for awhile but we look too much alike. I am, however, the smart one. đ
Any criticism I gave mine was responded to by a rage response.
This is đŻ legit
This so much
Yes!!!
Never justify, explain, defend, or overshare with a narcissist
NO NEVER EVER.
âŠThis! đ
That gets challenging when a Narc is your boss. Sometimes you need to explain your work or ideas. You just have to keep it as neutral as possible.
Just be captivating audience Listen đđ» 80% talk bs 20% and then escape
BTDT. Never again.
Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they'll tell everyone how they helped you.
When I visited my narcissistic mother I never told her anything except the most mundane things because sheâd own it and brag or use it against me. She really didnât know me after awhile. Then I realized that she really didnât care who I was as a separate person. đą
Sooooo True
So true
Sounds familiar!... Greetings from Canada!... đ
Dutt'n matter they could talk until their heart's content. Get indifferent, live, be happy. â€
I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.
Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, itâs all my fault.
I read comments all day and I wept reading yours. I remember telling him my trauma and suffering of brain surgery stroke poverty and some toxic relationships. He looked in my eyes and said I will never do that too you. He ended up doing more harm to me than any single person ever has. The grief and despair of that really is so difficult. Hugs to you â€
Oh yes so true đą
Exactly. I didn't know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it.
My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I'm just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it's modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I'm wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble.
Even after 5 months of no contact I'm still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I'm scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn't fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual.
I'm afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don't know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can't even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won't return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison
So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don't want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you.
I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don't want the trauma drama.
When they're insulting you they are self projecting their own inadequacies to control and keep you down. Keep calm and escape
Great reminder. Thank you.
âŠThis.
Couldnât agree more đŻ
@@kconnolly6763 Yes indeed.
This is true. My narcissist used to tell me I was worthless for years finally I got tired of hearing it and kicked him out of the house he then started telling Me I should kill myself. One month later he killed hisself left a suicide note saying he was worthless....very sad
The difference between a joke and an insult is that in a joke both sides are laughing, in an insult they are laughing at you.
Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they donât and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesnât exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.
Yep. She went to Harvard
Itâs put down humor, and itâs mean.
I call it the "mean girl' laugh...that contemptous "everyone LOOK we have a victim over here that is less than us" laugh..
my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit's effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can't take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters...she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said "OH MY GOD that's so RANDOM!!'. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with "We were just having family fun, don't make it something it's not" I explained that I didn't just make it up...I read a actual study from Taiwan...and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn't apropos of the topic at hand....
The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You'll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It's hard.
You can be sure if you set (know) your own boundaries.
I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .
Narcissist can destroy you. Youâll look back and wonder how you couldâve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because youâre a failure. Donât listen to the scripting they gave you. Itâs time to be brave in your own story again.
Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I'm not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I'm the one being the narcissist...
@@cmontygman if you are empathic to others and are happy to please, you are certainly not the narcissistic kind
And when they insult, they say âI am just honest person and being honest to youâ
"Healthy relationships do not involve insults."
Healthy relationships do not have hurts or mistakes that leads to insults
Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time - it's done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.
â@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that's the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that's why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.
After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don't trust people and I am super isolated.
Give yourself time to heal. As they say, it's better to be alone than to wish you were.
Go easy and forgive yourself- the rest will come with time. Godspeed to you
Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it's affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet... i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..
Shauna, I've been there and I'm still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don't let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior đŽïž
OmgoodnessâŠme too!
Iâm actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again.
Therefore, little chance of findingâŠ.or even lookingâŠfor another relationship.
I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me.
Iâm sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that Iâm damaged beyond repair. đą
My husband loved to say I never contributed to the marriage after 22 years together, and 2 children. He always did his best to trigger an angry response so he could point me out to be crazy.
My ex husband did the exact same thing to me for 12 years. I feel your pain and Iâm sorry you went through that.
Mine did as well and it has been almost five years trying to divorce him because he has spent all his time energy and money punishing me for calling him out in his bad behavior, mistreatment and abuse which he says I caused and deserve. He is evil in every single sense of the word. I would not want to be him for the karma and rather if God that is already in his life and is actively bringing justice (finally) to myself and our son. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and that you have peace, hope and the self love that will bring you the amazing things God has for you!
Thank you Dr. Ramani! You do Gods work, you save, and you heal us, and we will never forget how you helped us in the hardest, most frightening fight for our very lives!! May God bless you beyond measure for all you do!!
Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancé 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.
Same. đ
How are you doing now? I hope all is well.
đđ Iâm so sorry to hear this Almaia. I hope youâre doing well now. I was in the same situation last January and Iâm still trying to heal cos I stopped being with him last two weeks. Itâs so hard to leave but I realised these people never change. He was also screaming, clenching his jaw whilst shouting at me, heâd bruise my arms or pin me on the bed and grab my face and just wouldnât handle his emotions well. One day I became the narcissist because I had enough of him. I was so angry I gave him the same poison shouted at him spat on his face I was so exhausted. Truthfully a new person came out and I was scared of her. I am now so much better alone but cry a lot at night because I remember how he called me names and always made himself the victim. I should have left when he punched the door and when heâd chase me and Iâd try hide in the bathroom. I was so used to this with my dad. I was abused as a kid and didnât realise this is so stupid of me to accept in a relationship.
Thank you ladies, you are all so sweet! Hana I am so sorry because it honestly sounds like your experience was just so terrible. I thank God that you were also able to get out of the situation. I came from an abusive childhood myself, and I saw my mom stuck with my dad even though he was an alcoholic narcissist who would put his hands on her and us. I think in someway I thought that if my mom was able to put up with a man like that, so can I, and it should NOT be that way. Donât blame yourself or call yourself stupid for accepting the relationship. They are good at manipulating and breaking you! Stay strong!! I am sure you are still a kind person with a beautiful soul! Take care of you and make yourself as happy as you can because you deserve it! I will NOT date anyone again unless he makes me happier than I can make myself!! đ Sending you a big hug! Good luck with everything!!
When a narcissist insults you and you say âhey wtf?!â they say oh youâre too sensitive or get over it or I was just kidding. A friend says âIâm sorryâ
So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one âIâm sorry.â Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.
Yes I used to get 'oh I was just joking'...to me jokes are supposed to be funny.
And call you crazy for having emotionas
My husband does this a lot :-(
I always get âyouâre too sensitive,â but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse.
Always tells me to shut up if Iâm expressing my frustration because he doesnât want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like heâs upset and tries to make me feel bad for him.
I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment.
When I called him on it he did what I said above.
Iâve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut Iâm still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says âwhen are you going to get over that? It was nothing.â
So here I am. Living across the world with someone I donât feel emotionally safe with but I canât leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money.
This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels.
Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. Youâre not alone!
PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.
â€
But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you're introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!
OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to.
Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don't.
It will never stop
@@anitaarya1451 no but at least there are those of us who have come to that conclusion so forewarned is forearmedđ
Having been raised by a narc mother who insulted me constantly, I thought that was normal. It took me years to learn that it is not.
Me too. And I believed her insults. Iâve had to unlearn them and itâs taken years.
@@lillianbarker4292so proud of you for that.. I havenât and Iâm 60 this year.. I still believe that Iâm stupid and no wonder I canât keep a man đ
@@daisyroots8926 I found a man who worked with special needs middle school kids. He really helped me emotionally. Itâs not too late to find love, though he may not be handsome. đ„°
Same here and I found an account from a teacher who was coaching me extra who was coaching, asking the headmaster to « diplomatically » speak to my mother and ask her that I donât go home on week ends because it was taking me half the school week to get myself together âŠâŠ..which made me nogo for schoolwork.
Everyone in the extended family was happy to look the other way just to have their peaceâŠâŠwhich ended up being at my emotional cost with the perk of on top of it of feeling guilty.
Who ever might me the abuserâŠâŠ..RUN !!! You will find friends who become your familyâŠ.a better oneâŠ..maybe a spouse, but do not jump in with that one. Someone who genuinely loves you, will give you time. Do not bow toâŠ.if we had a child it would make things betterâŠ..the ultimate death trap.
I got told âYou used to look so goodâ while pointing to a picture of myself when I was thirty. This is when I was fifty. I guess I wasnât supposed to age. My ex narc husband was wrinkled & losing his hair at the time, but he told me âI deserve a sexy & attractive wifeâ when he discarded me for his alcoholic girlfriend. She is now in prison for felony dui.
HA! Karmic Return for him!
, we are sure he is looking desperate looking for a new mommy type sexy thing. Iâm sure he is going to be worth it to some desperate fool! HahahA
2023: Good for you!... Hoping you get all the help you deserve for your recovery!... đœ
Bless you!... - Greetings from Canada!... đ
When you love someone, they are always beautiful.
Did you say, thanks, you never looked good. *sigh
"Insults are the love language of the narcissist". Wow. SO TRUE.
It's so warped that it's kinda hilariousđ
Tell you horrible things then want your body
@@BLIQUEMIST26 unless it's your mom and then perhaps it's emotional incest
@@BLIQUEMIST26 đThis! đ. đ
I swear his insults were the most horrific insults Iâve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: âIn your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someoneâŠâ
I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, âjust kidding around,â is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them.
These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.
You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.
Precisely!!! Exactly this!
It's interesting. In Japanese, shameless people are said as "ćéĄâ (thick-skinned face).
@@stillaworkinprogress2147 I'd give this comment 100 thumbs up if I could!
So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I'm being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!
i was finding myself arguing going in circles they are exhausting they never admit they are wrong.
We were driving in the car with the kids to my mothers house where my brother and his family had just arrived from out of state. I was telling a story to the children and my ex cut me off and said, âwhy do you move your hands when you talk like that? That is the most ignorant thing Iâve ever seen.â He couldnât stand the fact that I was happy I was going to see my family so he had to quash my feelings.He did. I started crying.
Oh my gosh! You reminded me how many times my husband has ruined a family holiday before/during/afterwards! You are right! I guess he didnât like that these get togethers made me happy. đą Oh so many times I cried and the event or memories were ruined.
You just took the words from my mouth
Congrats on the end of your relationship!
My mother unexpectedly died while we went to see his parents, she passed away after us there 2 weeks, few days from flying out. I had to be on the phone alot for 2 days planning everything. His parents were very understanding, consoling me. He said I ruined everyone's vacation. He made sure I missed my own mother's funeral!!!
@@scottiej3716Iâm so sorry you had to go through that what an evil personđą
This so reminds me of my former husband! He would insult me/my body (after bearing him 3 children) while we were getting dressed. The first couple of times he did this, I was dumbfounded, shocked and speechless. The last time this happened, I turned around and said 'well, I wouldn't look twice at you either.' The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, the marriage did not last and I am now free!!!!!!
Kailei. Thatâs the trouble when you insult them back they canât take it and it causes a huge fight. Then they gaslight you and say you are abusive. You canât win!
@@roswb5388 EXACTLY
@Sara K. itâs very hard dealing with these individuals, and they never change.
How do you talk to your children about it? I'm halfway into divorce and my oldest misses him but I just can't...
@@korab.23 my son was 12 when we split. I told him that I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, it was important. That I respected that he loved his dad because he was his dad, and never wanted to interfere with that. I told him I never wanted him to feel he had to choose one over the other or that he was in the middle.
Within the next year, while in the middle of divorcing, my estranged husband committed suicide and it unleashed a whole new level of Hell. I didn't handle it well and was so angry with him for what he did to our kids by abandoning them that way. After 10 years of counseling and 15 years later, I am still working on forgiving him, but it allowed me to set a new household climate and move away from his controlling, authoritative dominion. The kids and I survived, and the son is a kind, loving, caring, non-violent but anxious adult now.
More than you probably wanted to know, but the road is a hard one and so worth it. Don't make excuses for your Ex's behavior, and try not to bash him to the kids. My best to you and your children.
What baffles me is how quickly he would turn from someone who was calling me beautiful, amazing and loved to calling me crazy,whore and bitch. Sometimes less than 24 hours. I decided to get off the crazy train a while ago but having trouble totally letting go. I think I've just been totally traumatized by the entire experience.
Wish you all it takes to get rid of the manipulations and be free, blessings!
I was called whore, bitch and c*nt by my ex constantly. I finally got sick of it. I looked at him and said " Well, if I'm a whore, bitch and c*nt, why are you with me!!??". He was stunned. I made him think. Unfortunately he raged at me. I just stood there and smirked. He was completely freaked out. I packed my stuff and left the next day.
Of course he raged at/over me when I was packing some last things. He shoved me HARD. I shoved him back. I told him that whatever he does to me physically I would do right back.
I experienced the same thing with a narcissist. We could go from exchanging Christmas presents to him screaming at me about what a âwhoreâ I was in a matter of a couple of hours. It was terrifying.
Karla⊠you deserve better, you deserve to be called beautiful and amazing but without being called all the awful unhealthy names⊠donât look backâŠ
I am so traumatized by the word whore because of my abusive ex. He must have called me a whore almost daily
I read your book âShould I Stay or Should I Goâ in 2003. This enabled me to escape the narcissist husband after 25 years. It took me many years to get past it, and my health improved at least 50%!
Good for you!... đœ - Greetings from Canada! - đ
Omg I bought that book too!!! I didnât realize it was Dr Ramanis book. Unfortunately all these years later I am still trapped with my narc.
I really like that she understands that some folks are either not willing or not able to walk away from a toxic relationship like this. I'm frankly tired of the channels that ignore interpersonal, social, and religious realities by always advising, "You can't win. You are going to continue to be miserable. Just walk away". Hearing "if you're stuck in the relationship, here's what you need to do" is incredibly helpful
Definitely! It's very scary to do and most of us would prefer to have a plan before we try so that we don't fail and have to go back. If that happens, the relationship gets even worse than before if the narc has caught on.
okay, I will share some things that improved my daily living before I escaped my ex of thirty one years. At that time, I did not know about narcissism or even the different kinds of abuse. I just thought he was mean. I learned all on my own, to practice reverse psychology with him.
Example: He harassed me for years about cutting off branches of my beloved landscaping plants, just because I found pleasure in their beauty. It occurred to me one day, to tell him, yes, he could go cut branches off. That's okay with me. Guess what? He never touched them and he never harassed me about them again. After that, I began verbalizing the opposite of what I liked or wanted, because I knew it would end better for me that way. If I loved something, he would ruin it or get rid of it. It was safest just to project indifference.
Another example concerns money: While being trapped in a moving car far from home, he would verbally abuse me to tears too many times to count. One day, I just told him if he didn't stop it, I was going to take a taxi home and it was going to cost him a lot of money. I meant what I said, and he knew it, and because money was precious to him, he stopped.
But, overall, it was short term, and I learned it was best to refuse to ride in the same car with him and to drive separately as much as was possible.
Another money example: He secretly broke into my hundred dollar locked rolling book bag/suitcase to spy on my notes from counseling sessions. I feigned ignorance that he was to blame, but loudly complained to him about my case breaking, and how I was now going to have to spend a hundred dollars on another one. I wish I could have a picture of the look on his face when I said that!!! The new case was never broken into. What a shock.
Traveling/flying: When our daughter graduated college, I refused to fly on the same plane with him, or stay in the same hotel room with him. It is best to avoid situations where you are trapped with them. You end up finding ways to protect yourself. I could go on and on. Hope a few ideas help. I was in a Protestant church that did not believe in divorce, so I was shunned after my escape. I am no longer begging God to kill me. I wish you strength, wisdom and safety.
A relationship with a narcissist will never survive if the victim finds self love. Iâve realized that. They will go to great lengths to stop you any way they can.
The true goal of the narcissist in any relationship is simply to feed off the victim. Should the victim ever rise, speak the truth, and demand change, the narcissist's end game becomes to utterly obliterate the victim.
@@vnrjn8 A weakling could never obliterate anyone. Anyone caught in the narcissistâs web should wake up to the truth of how strong they actually are.
They will tell you that YOU are the selfish one if you discard the narc.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER.
That is true. Once I began to feel more confident and happy with myself, this narcissistic bitch tries and tells me that my happiness is 'fake' and that changes like that don't happen that quickly
Cut them off, been happy with life ever since
It is difficult because when you ask them to stop being so critical/ saying unfriendly things, sneer, a conflict starts and then you receive the blame for the conflict.
My ex narcissistic GF can whatever she wants but if I give her example on her, she goes ape shit. She says, "There you go again. You always have to get me back." I'm like what? I'm just giving you an example on how irrational and hypocritical you are...
And the " I'm just kidding " doesn't work after the 50th time, get away ASAP.
I was critical of them, for a good reason. Being critical of someone sounds wrong to many, it sounds like I'm being hurtful.
No. If you punch my friend, I will be "critical" of your behavior and point out the excessive violence. If you ignore me for days to weeks, I will confront you by asking why are you not responding to me. Etc.
Being critical is just questioning something that most people don't question. There is inherently nothing wrong with it, and in fact it is likely something that we all should cultivate to some extent, if not in the form of being self-critical (or self-aware).
Being critical is not bad, being unable to take responsibility and shifting it to those who are innocent is the problem. If you are anti-social, I will criticize you, justly, and you can either take responsibility or escape it and lose me as a friend. Your choice.
@@Minisynapse there are ways to say things . domination through rudeness is not ok.
â@@Minisynapse It is not ok to dominate through rudeness.
Just got out of a 6 month thing with a narc. I'm realizing now he insulted me often but would disguise it as a joke. It started to feel normal after a while. Very glad i got out. đđ»
You got it right. thank you. Do not react, remain calm, assert your worth, Detach, Stay on goal, be deceptive, do not give them ammunition, do not be vulnerable.
When we learn to emotionally detach, we can start to observe how hollow and empty a narcissist's insults are, much like the narcissist himself/herself. They say more about the narcissist's insecurities than about anyone else.
So very true.
Fact!!
The depths they will go to create as much emotional damage as possible
The problem with narcs is their skill for finding your weakness and going in for the kill at every opportunity. It's like a death by a thousand cuts...Also their ability to move in for the kill when they think you're at your weakest.
Case in point: I was sick with the flu, my gf came over to see how I was. She opened a video on my laptop about how people learn (why she thought this was a good idea when I was sick is beyond me) and when I said I tend to learn by doing. NO NO NOOOO you're NOT. YOU learn by watching!!! Umm I'm 55 years old, I've been learning new things the whole time, I should know how I learn...NO NO NO YOU DON'T.....(among other things) I eventually asked her to leave. lol.
Then there was the time I'd just gotten home from my father's funeral out of town, she came over to console me (I guess) and proceeded to start not one, but TWO arguments with me. Again, I asked her to leave. "I don't need this right now".
Pretty women adore the narcissist grande
âThe insults have an edge.â YES! It is never a âjokeâ or said in a light hearted manner. Itâs a weapon used to break down victims/get them to submit.
Old saying: men give insults and don't mean them and woman give compliments and don't mean them.
Exactly
Agreed đ.
And that's why you walk AWAY and NEVER look back!! NEVER!!
My narcs insults are assault weapons honed to a very sharp edge and intended to cut my jugular ....
âcontempt is the death of a relationship
insults are a primary means of comunicating that contemptâ ⊠I had to write that one down. thank you dr. ramani đ
I didnât even realize I was not hearing half of what my parents spoke to me until my wife pointed it out. I just subconsciously blocked it out. Endless insults are poison to your soul.
My mother constantly criticized me growing up and continued into adulthood.
You feel with a Narcissist that no matter what you do or say they will always find fault with you.
Yep. I'm lazy, I'm fat, I don't know how to dress, I'm not smart, I'm not sane. Its funny that nobody else describes me that way.
Same thing here. This went for years with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was the only person ever to say hurtful things like. But when Iâm out and about or at work it was exactly the opposite. The funny thing was the before we entered into the relationship he was one of the ones that complimented daily and went out of his way to do so. But shortly after we began dating he became a monster!!! Insulting me and berating me for no reason at all. But I noticed that all insults and berating was about his own insecurities. He was referring to himself but used it on me to torture me because he was tormented in his head.
@@jacquelynhaas8184 you better believe heâs lying!!!! Itâs a trap to keep you in a state of despair!! All because of his own self hate!
Exactly. The narc is the ONLY one that apparently sees all these terrible qualities in you.
Lol I was lazy and messy despite working 2 jobs 7 days a week, a bitch, have too many problems and nobody wants to deal with my nonsense, need to get over myself, selfish, greedy, fat, and just a terrible person overall đ
@@Musicandlyrics2400 wow! Itâs insane! What miserable people living in there head!
I wanted to say thank you for creating these videos. My partner and I both exhibit narcissistic qualities and we use your videos to recognize them and correct them, in doing so we better ourselves and remove the toxic qualities from our marriage.
Thatâs great that you both are open to accepting accountability, being vulnerable enough with one another to admit your personal shortcomings, changing, and growing together.
The âkindâ insults are the worst. I babysat for my âex-bossâ
She was constantly âcomplimenting meâ but for some reason I NEVER felt good after. 90% of the time her compliments made me want to cry or get mad.
But they were worded so âsneakyâ that I could never confront her. I would sound crazy.
I ended my job and very vaguely mentioned how I didnât like how she treated me and I was done with her passive aggressive statements. She said
âIâm sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insultsâ
So gaslighting me was her last words.
a pro! wow
@@darrinsiberia what do you mean by they need help ?
@@sethlewis8262 Probably psychiatric help.
Good thing you listened to your intuition. Easier said then done. But YOU DID IT! :)
She was threatened by you you shouldnât have left
My mum always insulted me and I used to think it was just an âIndian cultureâ thing but my husband stood up for me as he always always hated it when I didnât speak up or just brush it off. Than they started saying he was a bad person and played me and him against each other. We shut them out and now are happy as we donât deal with any family members.
Good for you
Growing up, my parents also likes to insult & gaslight us. When I went for Uni I found that everything they say was a lie & never trust them again
Fantastic!
Good for you!
seems insults in "Indian culture" are a common occurrence. The women in my life have insulted, by this definition, the men in their lives. Now, I'm not even sure if it counts as insults or if I'm over reacting. Insults. "Your fault" are quite a staple in all relationships (not just Indian), I thought, till I saw these channels - but I still have a feeling that it's just an Indian thing, and not really abuse of any kind.
My family of origin is caucasian (white/European) and I called it the "Three Act Play". Act 1: "I know everything." Act 2: "You know nothing." Act 3: "Here are all the other ways that you are a terrible person that have nothing to do with the original topic/controversy". Once it started up, I knew exactly where it was going. I married a South-East Asian and our life is so much better than the example I had growing up. I don't think its because you're family is Indian.
Iâve been surrounded by narcissists my whole life
me too
â@@annekerotterdam7499Me three. I also learnt that the term 'empath' is misleading; the right term is codependent. Chronic trauma caused us to be that way; it's not normal or healthy. You can polite or civil, not 'nice'. Be nice to YOU!
Same and I think we all need to work on our boundaries!
Sadly, my ex would call me all the disrespectful names in the book. He also went as far as to disrespect my father and my late mother. Trying to turn me against my whole family. Then say sorry the next day and it became a cycle. Drained my energy and spirit that I have finally let go. Itâs feels depressing but liberating at the same time but I know I will get through it.
I relate word to word to what youâve written đź
The insult wrapped in a criticism, followed by a "you're so sensitive", that's the narcissist's main course that they like to dish out.
I love too answer them on that one.if you werenât so narcissistic I wouldnât be so sensitive đ
âŠThey think theyâre being slick, but theyâre not. đ
I hear this all the time as well as you need to not to take things to personal
'Dont take this the wrong way, but...' - 'I don't mean to upset you, but...' - 'Everything is okay, but...' - all straplines indicating that criticism, insult and belittling will follow, usually with a serving of word-salad.
@@clogs4956 Yep, those word salads they use-- when they came from my former covert narc, they were NEVER healthy salads, that's for sure!
Coffee and Dr. Ramani..............how I start my day
â€I love this! This is how I spend early Sunday's also Coffee with the Doc â€
Happy Sunday MV Agrippa
Truly
Yesđ„°
...with unsweetened almond milk, sitting in my beautiful garden with at least three of my children (beloved pet hens) snuggled in my arms. Wild bird friends all around!
What better way to arm myself for the abusive workplace (all male narc crew), than love, beauty and a dose of Dr. Ramani.
Same here!!! â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Thinking of Pink Floyd's album Animals, the song Dogs..some of .the lyrics are : "you have to be trusted by the people that you lie to, so that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in." That whole song is a perfect description of the narcissist.
greatt song- my fav on that album
Sometimes they just say nothing, absolutely nothing. You can and never will hear then say you have done a good job.
true!
Absolutely. Dead air. But they will tell others about your achievements so that they gain kudos and claim praise.
I can't tell you how many times I heard "get over it" when I objected to verbal abuse. To anyone in this kind of toxic relationship, get out. People don't change, and you deserve better.
Yeah mine would do this
MEN HAVE NO đ HEART STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEM! THEY DON'T NEED TO BR IN RELATIONSHIP S
I ended a 5 year a few months back. Greatest choice I've ever done
So true. I hate when people tell me "You need to learn to forgive." or the same thing with "people change." attached to that because I spent my whole life (over 40) being treated very poorly and know that people don't actually change, they just get better at their crappy ways and if they can't they will move on to their next victim/s.
Here's my massive problem with forgiving:
The people who have bad tendencies toward others no matter how little or big now have an open door to be however they want toward you because they know they can get away with anything until you snap back but they know you are expected to forgive and until you do, for some strange reason most people look at you as the bad one. They always do it to nice people who then get a bad rep for not forgiving someone.
Makes it hard to want to spend my time on people because no matter how nice I am or what I do for people, they always expect me to just let people be nasty to me or I am the problem.
I was subjected to " get over it " too - it's painful
I spent 20 years in an on /off relationship with a narcissist and he reduced a confident, outgoing me into a complete empty shell of a person. Insults were said with a smile and he gaslighted me so much I thought I was going insane. Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc. I finally came to my senses when his mobile was stolen and the guy who stole it actually texted me to tell me my boyfriend had 3 other women on the go (he could see all the texts/messages). Karma is a b****! Anyway, I dumped his arse and have been happily married to a lovely guy for 14 years. There is hope after such a nightmare.
@Carmen Mac spot the narcissist
@Carmen Mac its you
I lost my spleen because my narcissistic boyfriend beat me. Stay strong and get rid of the narcissist in your life
"Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc". ... sounds EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex they're so linear and predictable.
The kindness of strangers can really assist you sometimes with these devils
Contempt is a death of relationship. What a great advice! I'll teach that to my children.
Some insults my older, identical twin sister said to me (when we were already adults):
âYouâre the ugly, fat one!â
âYouâre just a copy of me!â
âYouâre SO jealous of me!â
âYour boyfriend doesnât really love you - heâs actually in love with ME!â
Being discarded by her, especially after physical abuse coupled with the verbal and emotional, was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I am a fraternal twin and have a twin brother, so luckily, as a woman, I never had to compare my looks to my twin. However, my twin is a cerebral narcissist that physically and psychologically abused me when we were teenagers and I cut him off a decade ago. Best move I ever made for my emotional health.
This is crazy
Dear whoever is reading this, I wish there was a way for everyone to surpass the current obstacles or sadness/ stress and let happiness enter your heart! i truly sense and know you will have a beautiful life ahead of you! Nothing in life is ever easy, but what's important is that YOU keep going!
Youre worthy of love and happiness, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise! I wish all of you plenty of health and strength during these tough times. You are loved, you are strong, you got this! Never forget that!
Sending much Love over from Germany â„ïžâ„ïžâ„ïž
Keep sharing your big heart!
Another good one by doctor Ramani that I can completely relate to and really is helpful thank you
Thank you very much. â€
No matter what happens, I still have life to live, and I'm going to live it well.
â€ïž
With my immediate family who are narcissists, I wouldn't say they give out insults like the typical person. But they don't give compliments or affection either đ but then to the outside world, they come as charming and friendly. But behind closed doors, they are cold.
Like you said outside it looks warm and cozy but behind close door it is like inside the fridge
I learned that when compliments come with the right hand that the left hand is about to drive the dagger in my 5th rib.
âŠRelatable.
Yes they always put on masks for the đ·. Narcs were wearing masks long before this Covid foolishness!
Same heređâ
I do feel the little playful jabs and insignificant insults that are constant, daily, repeated disapproval are a means of control.
Iâm so glad Iâm out of my last relationship. All of my interests, my goals, my ideas and opinions were wrong and shot down through insults. It made me feel like a child.
At the end when we would get into a conflict I felt like I couldnât say anything so would sit there unable to say a word. Then heâd get mad I was silent. This threw me into hardly being able to breathe and Iâd get a panic attack.
Good times. So glad Iâm out.
I feel you, I even started to believe that I needed her input because âI didnât do anything rightâ, or âalways made the wrong decisionsâ. I even didnât know how to do my job according to her. Didnât know how to clean, cook, drive, work, pack, organize, raise my kids(not herâs), exercise, do laundry, the list goes on. (Petty things, but they ended up in just insults and fights)
Im in that situation 5 years now with my partner
@@jijilynnituma7122 it took me 8 years, so afraid to leave. You get hooked, and even believe that your partner is right and you are wrong, I even doubted my feelings and started feeling guilty for feeling sad or bad. Still am, even feel guilty for leaving.
@@jijilynnituma7122 be strong, listen to your self, and those around you
Thank you for the encouragement. My Narc has lots of supply now.
The favourite narcissistic's thing: insulting, pretending it's a joke if we said we feel hurt, telling us we're too sensitive if we insist it doesn't feel like a joke, and telling us we're complicated if we insist we're not insensitive. And it goes on and on until the narcissist escape accountability for the initial words.
I would have to add that there is a lack of empathy/sympathy when we tell them that it hurts
Truth đŻ
I just discontinue contact. People like this donât deserve an explanation. These are the people that deserve to be ghosted. And quite frankly, itâs seems that itâs becoming more common among men and on the rise in general
and the old "I never said that" routine.
@@senoracheapee1864 Definitely
Most of the time, their insults are a projection of who they are or what they do. It's not about us, it's about them!
I've noticed that
Yup
This is the truth. My ex was ranting and calling names and I told him to look in the mirror when he opened his mouth to calm me names. He stopped and had a look on his face as though I had slapped him.
So true , my ex would say , oh stuffing your face again and the funny thing was , the guy ate way more than I did đ
Very well spoken! Never let the narcissist tell you who you are.
She never said that lmao
Iâm in a very long term married relationship with a horribly narcissistic person with a terribly foul mouth and who bad mouths me to my face most of the time and when I confront him he says, âBut I really try to be nice to you but itâs hard.â
Leave them asap. No one deserves that. I'm watching this video to learn more about a narcissist. I just left my wife of 10 years because of the way she treated me. I'm so much happier now. I just kept hearing from my friends that she is a narcissist. So I'm watching some videos so I can steer clear from another one. So please understand you don't deserve his abuse. Life is to short to be treated badly. I realize a narcissist will never change and will never love you like you love them. I wish the best for you, remember only you can change your situation. Good luck
Go on strike and leave a bill attached to everything you do in his interest or to Keep the peace. If you donât have a bank account or income of your own, start one. No matter what you have been trained to think by this person, you have skills that have Value. I left after twelve years and everything was in his name. I got a job at 63 after being on disability for 7 years. I bought a car for cash, built credit slowly and got out. It took for tries and
Just as many years. Only you can start your own recovery. I had a boss like this too, and I told her off and found another job where I was treated fairly and with respect. If you need help, go to Social Services because you are being abused . They have counselors who advise us and Yes, we are considered battered women!
"Insults, frankly, our the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissist's need to dominate, coupled with ***the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need***. So, by insulting them, it limits any kind of intimacy and any kind of vulnerability, and also allows the narcissistic person to maintain control, power, and dominance." đ€Żđ€Żđ€Ż
@Callie Maud Yes, this explanation is perfect! It's exactly why they insult us, and why the relationship goes nowhere - and why our gut tells us to leave. People who are genuinely capable of love don't insult their partners! It's as crazy-making as it is heartbreaking.
Exactly like Stockholm syndrome they Hate U
Yeah, that hit something fierce.
@@tashasmith2245 same, my heart sank,.... then seemed to resurface with a new light shining on it. I love these moments :)
This is exactly describes my narcs and how they treat me. EXACTLY.
I ended a 10-year relationship when he told me on Easter morning that my three kids "didn't love me." After years of enduring his insults, contempt, gaslighting; emotional and even on occasion physical, abuse, it FINALLY dawned on me in that moment, "This man doesn't love me." We both knew what he said wasn't true (and he later tried to apologize) but the fact that he would ever say something that awful and hurtful to me was the final straw.
He told me , " I swear in a year time your dad will die and none of my relatives will come to the funeral and you will feel humiliated". My sick dad eventually died 3 years after and I left just after that monstruous and hainous declaration. He did exactly what he said, my dad had a befitted funeral and COVID excuse was what I gave as explanation. But I have been so happy since, I have welcome back who I was.
NB: those people are sick, he lost his dad when he was a teenager and my dad loves me so much, maybe envy, who knows? They are mentally sick.
@@annickgladzah2272 Sounds like you and I both had a limit, and their nasty remarks finally exceeded it. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I think, deep down, narcissists are really miserable people.
Samething just happened to me ! He told me my kids dont love and i dont love them and ima bad mom Omg ! Crazy
@@shaisoblue7008 Hope you're not with my ex, LOL! Seriously, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know it really hurts. You deserve so much better.
My parents were struggling to survive and in frustration he called me a slut 27 times and gave a description of how i slept with 10-15 men and I was responsible for my parents' condition and i should f**k my dad and that's why my mom hates me. He cursed my belief system, scarred me for life. Later apologized, begged and asked me to forget everything marry him right away. And I ended then. He kept torturing me, coming back from friends, crashing my home late at night and torturing me will ringing bells at 11 PM. I called his mom and said I am complaining to Police. That's when everything stopped. He even lied and said he was gang raped by men that's why he is broken and needs to fix. (Trust me 3 years or relationship and everytime new abuse, or how his mom poisoned his food, delusional justification after every apology as emotional blackmail). I just walked away and that triggered him . Now I am healing. He crossed the line
I'm the youngest of 8 and I am in my late 50s. I finally am understanding narcissism in my siblings. When my mother had her final massive heart attack and a few of my siblings witnessed it and then they attempted to describe it in a humorous way, complete with acting out the rolling back of her eyes, it traumatized me to the point I can never forget that. And even with all that, I attempted to form relationships with all of them for 25 years until a couple of years ago. I had enough and it's the best thing I ever did.
2023: Some families are really getting into 'disturbed & disturbing' dynamics in terms of normal relationship.
Glad to know that you did the right thing as to stay away & focusing on who you are at your best. đ
Your comment is a Blessing for everyone dealing with similar situations... - Regards.
My ex told me I was a narc. I actually thought she was a narc. I feel like once a relationship is reduced to toxicity by insults, fighting, etc, itâs really easy for someone to think the worst of the other person. Iâm not saying thereâs no such thing as narcissists, I just think the term is used to loosely these days. People want to assign a label to issues that are complex and hard to figure out.
agree fully
2023: A relationship is supposed to go smoothly, in a comforting/supportive & solid manner... âđ
There could be some darker zones where people don't understand each other but it is supposed
to be taken care of when the relationship is at stake; staying in an inequitable, power struggled
relationship can cause harm to both sides... When in doubt, it is always good to get advice before leaving it.
And mostly, some people with this 'narcissistic personality' would have to be 'professionally diagnosed' -
and as many won't get any 'help' - much damage can be done to their 'love ones'...
Keeping it 'private' as it becomes 'insanely' toxic is not the answer... Being a narcissist (or not)..
If this comment can help both sides... Gladly 'honored'!.. - Blessings to you all!...
âInsults are the love language of narcissists.â You put it so well, Doc. I cannot agree more living through that my whole life
oooh . . . yes, i was taught that you only insult people you know well becuase they will know its a joke and you dont mean it.hmm
Yas, exactly. When she said that, it was like a slap to the very core of me. Very eye opening..
Ya that line hit me as very familiar and caught my full attention.
What has happened to this world we live in? I hadnât even heard of the terminologies
ânarcissistâ, âgaslightingâ, âlove bombingâ etcetera until 5yrs ago and Iâm a 52yr old. What I was aware of was the SM@RT @SS PUT DOWNS by my INSIDIOUS MOTHER.
I had a Covert Narcissist as a mother who imo is Demonic and a father who was a violent alcoholic BUT SHE WAS the one who would set things up so I, being the oldest and most athletic, would cop the most VICIOUS HIDINGS FOR A LITTLE 9yr old girl.
IT CHANGED MY SOUL AND IâVE SEEN NUMEROUS COUNSELLORS ET AL BUT ALL THEY DID WAS TELL ME I SUFFERED PTSD, CHRONIC DEPRESSION, AND A PEOPLE PLEASER.
Odd thing is my mother attends a Pentecostal church!
VILE CREATURE WHO DESTROYED MY FAMILY.
P.S. What mother sits in the car after her 5yr old is put in the boot of a fâg car by her father because when we were children we suffered car sickness and my sister was sick? A MOTHER WITH DEMONS IN HER SOUL.
Agreed! I could never connect my relationship to a narcissist to these videos but that one sentence single-handedly put two and two together and now Iâm CERTAIN Iâm in a relationship with a narcissist.
My "aha" moment with my toxic family arrived because of insults. Every time one of my siblings would say something insulting, I would simply say: "Wow, that was really insulting." After a while, one of my sisters said "we always insult you."The others just started laughing.
I just walked out. That was the moment I knew that I had to go no contact.
My father used to call me ugly (to this day, I avoid mirrors and don't have any that aren't pre-installed in the house; I have no ability to evaluate my own looks, but on the 1-10 scale, put myself at a 2). My day of freedom finally came when I simply answered back, "You're fat and your business failed due to your own incompetent mismanagement."
Both parents started yelling.
I have always thought of the perfect reply 6 hours too late. I always sounded flustered and childish. So, I would never have been able to do what you did.
Luckily, I started doing what my parents had always told me to do. I simply would not reply.
All of my Northern California (Kumbaya) therapists had insisted that they were wrong. I went through all of these "role play" sessions to learn what and how to discuss how their insults made me feel. When I came back and told them what my sister had said, they didn't believe me. I must have misunderstood.
That's when I ended contact with them.
đ
Right, because they knew and were conscious of their behavior and comfortable with dumping on you.
I know exactly what you're talking about...Good for you!! đđđ
They constantly abuse you then say GET OVER IT
Yes! Don't JADE - Justify Argue Defend or Explain with a narcissist. It's a losing battle and you need to protect yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I hold up a mirror⊠if they say â you canât do anything rightâ I show them who they are by responding â wow your really negative, and thatâs sadâ and walk away. What ever they try to project I show them who they are, â youâre family is really screwed upâ, - â you really enjoy talking bad about other people â and walk away. Leaves them speechless every time.
Yes.
Scribbling sound as I take notes
projection is such an NPD thing to do.
Ego boundaries penetrated and disregarded in childhood must be built up again in adulthood, but certainly cannot be done with a narcissist.
it's called "name the game". the quickest way to shut up the bully. You don't play according to their rules but instead point out why they do what they do.
My ex was unbelievably ruthless when it came to the insults. He knew my insecurities and just tore into over and over. My weight, how I dressed, my hair, how I did my make-up, even my vehicle, and the color of my nail polish, he hated everything about me.
He would tell me Iâm lucky to be with him because he could have his choice of any thin, gorgeous, independent, well educated women he wanted but yet he chose to âslumâ with me and I should be grateful for someone as talented and successful as him.đ
I put up with him for far too long.
Enough was enough. Ended the relationship and went no contact. Never been happier. The peace Iâve experienced after being in a relationship with a narcissist is priceless.
This is my ex-husband. But he alternated these insults with days of putting me on a pedestal for my intelligence and my looks. He was always comparing me with other women and telling me I should dress and act like so and so.
You did well. I cringed reading your comment. Stay no contact đ
Trust- heâs much happier!!!
Im so sorry you had to go through thar..I can feel your pain through the screen
That whole put you on a pedestal and then knocking you down! I realized why he had me suspicious and jealous of other women- he was trying to separate me from anyone willing to listen and help. âYouâre not like all those dumb --âs! You x y z!â Absolute red flag.
This literally was shouted at me two hours ago. It involved rain and my husband wanting me to lay a tarp down to protect something. But I knew the rain was ending in minutes because I was monitoring the radar. And besides, âhe can lay the tarp down if heâs that worried.â
After much yelling (that ignored) he made a stand and screamed, âGet the tarp , get the tarp, GET THE TARP BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!!â
So bad. But so funny. Of course I burst into peels of laughter which only further enraged himâŠwhich then prompted the ever-popular show closer: âEveryone hates you!!â Followed by a dramatic exit and door slam.
Wish Iâd have filmed it. It was sick.
Okay, but are you still there? Or you've left the relationship?
2023: Hoping you will figure how to recover & how to be independent & free from anyone!..
Keep your Spirit up! đœ- But be aware that you might have to know when & how to leave safely!...
Take Care of yourself - Get the right Support with the right people!... - Keep Luck & Good Care of Yourself...
( Remember: Laughing is worthy for a very short time! ) - It might be more 'dramatic' sooner than you think!..
I heard a mother say this to her two year old at a Panera once, among other abusive things, and I still feel awful thinking about it. She was dressed like a respectable career woman, so the poor kid is probably still getting abused by her.
The kid was being normal kid noisy. I was studying there, but I hadn't even looked up from my book (except to glance when she went off) or felt irritated.
I just couldn't believe it. A two year old! đ
I have a two year old and canât imagine anyone, much less myself, saying that to them. How insane!
A narcissist will tell you itâs your fault you have cancer everything is your fault ! The narcissist is always correct they are perfect and everyone else has a problem but them !
They call you idiot, stupid, spoilled brat, immature, crazy, ASH....it is awful, and they don't do it once, they do it over and over again, also accompanied by sarcastic and mean jokes, passive agresive comments, mockeryđ At the same time they claim to love you. It does not make any sense, that's the ultimate gaslighting, confusingđ Those who truly love you don't treat you like that. Nobody deserves to be insulted, abused.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramaniđ
Exactly! Every single word applies to me.
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, not easy. Those are words that are very hurful, and they know what they are doing when they use them with usđ. Educational and validating videos like this and all of Dr. Ramani's videos are crucial for healing. We all deserve true love, respect, kindness, empathy, and healthy relationships. Thank you for the reply, I wish you all the bestđ
@@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876 you too. Wish you the very best. I am still reeling with what happened to me. Hope you came out before things got worse for you. Or have a plan to come out. đ
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, I'm out, thank you. It took 9 months to heal, but it is possible. There is hopeđ
Same here, exactly as you describe. They'd say they don't do it on purpose and continue doing it. Complete asshole. I'm never again allowing such people in my life. :)
The one thing I learned from my narcissistic relationships is that I gotta love myself more. Be firm in my truth and not cave. Iâm ok with giving up my âman cardâ or âblack cardâ if it means I get to be myself. Iâm choosing me.
What is a man/black card?
Man its crazy how you donât realize your in this type relationship till it hits you. I trying to find myself as well and love myself. Keep doing you bro
I hope your next relationship is a good one.
Bless you.
Narcissists are vampires.
They are not fully human.
@@dinos9607 I'm guessing Ash is referring to the No True Scotsman fallacy. You're not really a man if X, you're not really black if Y.
I could not quite comprehend when my narc partner started insulting me. He always did it as though he was joking but the jokes werenât funny, they were hurtful. My weight, my cooking, my opinions, how I interacted with my friends. He read my diary and teased me about what I wrote. After a few years I told him it was like steel wool constantly wearing at me and I couldnât take it. At that point I still didnât understand that he was deliberately trying to break my spirit. I started getting sick. Thank god I got out.
I clicked on this video expecting a list of specific red flags. It turns out nearly that every relationship or friendship Iâve ever had has been abusive.
"Don't take things too personal" or "you just can't handle criticism", we've all heard those before. Don't even bother engaging, it's not worth your time. Stay safe and stay healthy.
My husband of 30 years finally gave me an insult that was the final straw. I got my four year degree in registered nursing from Cal State University Chico twelve years before I met my husband. One night late in our marriage we went out to dinner with a couple and I told them where I went to college. When we got home he said to me "Don't you ever, ever, ever tell anyone ever again you went to Chico State. It's embarrassing." That was it. I shut down after that and now he is my ex. I could't believe he felt that way. Of all the insults and verbal abuse that one will stay with me forever. By the way he went to USC so he thought state universities were for bottom feeders.
Gud for u.. Thank god u left him.. God bless uâ€đ
Deborah
Iâm with you. You never saw it clearly but when you did!
I got my chiropractic drâs degree at age 40.
The parents call it a âpiece of paperâ and how it made me become arrogant and better than the rest of the their kids.
With that encouragement they are not in my life going on five years.
Took me 60 years.
I worked on my âSELFâ as you did.
Keep it up. Stay on these channels and keep helping others. You DO MATTER!!
Oh wow. I'm glad you are out.
@Douglas Farshtey Thank you for saying that.
Beautiful đŁFrame your diploma in gold from alimony đ°đLove Karma
I now understand what kind of traumatising relationship I was a part of. My ex consistently insulted me, abused me and my family. and used the information I shared with him in vulnerability against me. So glad that I am finally getting the closure I needed - that they were a narcissist and I couldnât do anything about it.
Iâm dealing with this right now. Thanks, for reminding us whatâs normal and what is not.
"You're too sensitive." No, I like who I am and don't care to change this trait, even if I could.
Facts. You are just capable of fucking connecting with ppl and giving a fuck
Felt this â€â€
"...the contempt they feel for the
people that they need..." That is so
on target!
Fucked up personality
Mine told be today in an email â youâll live a bitter single lifeâ better than living with a toddler in an adult body.
Thank you for this video, I just realised that my job is not worth it anymore, I'm leaving, I'm not being treated like an emotional punchbag anymore, I am not making my home life miserable anymore because I'm depressed or crying because of what happens at work, thank you so much!!! I literally feel like a weight has been lifted, because this was a decision I couldn't make until I saw this đâ€
I left two jobs that were full of upper-level narcissists. I had always been harshly reviewed at quarterly interviews, but when I told them I was quitting... Woo-ee! They begged me to stay. I left, and I noticed they've not been able to find anyone to replace me for the past three years. Don't let them abuse you at work. I'm now self-employed and I make a ton less, but I'm so happy not working for hypocrites anymore.
@@mvbigmagic4048 I left that job its difficult to explain but I had two jobs that were connected, (carer) the woman who I worked for bullied me out of that job and she continued and has now lost me my other job, she started putting complaints in about me, telling lies to other bosses, and instead of even coming to me and either asking me to confirm or deny they just sacked me with no notice, so it's now in the hands of my solicitor, I have amassed all text messages voice recordings etc of me being bullied and abused that they didn't know about, now I'm going to kick their ass in court đđ€Łđ
Yikes. I lasted 27 years with my ex. She did nothing but insult me. Constantly. From 'stinking up the house' by toasting my oats in the morning to never being able to be home on time for dinner because she kept making it earlier...to mowing down my raspberries, telling me I couldn't cook (I worked 12 years in fine dining), making sure I never earned enough by spending more than I made, and laughing at me when I sold my first book (Macmillan, 1996. She said "They won't pay you" as I stood there with a bottle of champagne). She hid bills to make sure I didn't pay them on time. She spent most of our final Christmas eve telling everyone that I was drunk...I cooked for her entire f-ing family getting up and out at 8 am to prep everything for cioppino that I made every year so they could enjoy each other's company. She spent years telling everyone I was 'afraid to fly' and somehow took 55 plane trips the year I served her papers, at least 6 of which were to Europe. I didn't want to fly with her. She always wanted to come home early from vacations. She didn't have a job and she didn't pay for it.
I wish I'd known more, and my marriage would have been much shorter. But I am not sad about where I am now. I can just barely remember her. My cats, my house, my life, my effort...I remember everything except her.
This good doctor won't say it, but I will. If you are all in with a narcissist, end it. The best thing that ever happened to me was in a counseling session where the psychiatrist said "here is your homework. come back next week with a reason why you are still in this relationship." I couldn't think of a reason and I never went back. He taught me all I needed to know.
good for you,keep your head up
It's too bad you didn't leave sooner, but at least you did and I hope your life has been full of happiness since.
@@misspad7282 Actually I did leave sooner. She found my car at the motel and started dropping by for 'fuckstops' um, and intentionally got pregnant. I was stupid, granted, but I paid for the next 20 years.
You learned how to make yourself happy. There is nothing nicer than choosing how to live your life đđ
@@remove574 I guess my point would be to encourage people to be more proactive.
I've learned that I attracted narcissists because of my own self hatred and self disrespect and grew up seeing men do that to my mom. Your subscription helps me so much. Thank you
Good work on your journey.
Hello Tammy, we never ATTRACT narcissists. Narcissists go to everyone but only stay where they are tolerated. The only reason we tolerate them is because our upbringing or our parents made that type of love our comfort zone we decorate with the red flags we have made a habit of collecting. You donât attract narcissists, you have just been conditioned to tolerate them.
That's great feedback do you have videos on conditioned to tolerate narcissists and how to work on that
@@athenasuperheldin1017 I gather there can be qualities which they seek out, too, like being empathetic, and willing to listen, and positive in a liking to build others up kind of way, which are qualities which feed the damaged ego in narcissists, but you're absolutely right about not tolerating them being the thing to learn, which patterns to look for towards 'zoning them out' of one's life.
Tammy narcissists look for and target people that they can use. This is how they operate. When they can not use you they move on but will do everything to control you. They will actually drain you and steal your self respect. They know how to discover people they can prey upon.
I found this interesting. I dated a guy who was a narcissist and he insulted me on two occasions. I switched things around and said you are talking about yourself. Needless to say I'm no longer dating himđ
How about this gem: "You're too sensitive!" As a kid, I head "here come the waterworks!" all the time. And I cried.
Everyone has the right to be treated well. Do not let ANYONE take that from you..
Been with a narcissist, and every chance she had, sheâd belittle me. When I graduated from college her words were; âso now you think youâre better than me because you have your bachelors degree?â
â something is wrong with youâ, â you need helpâ those are the two I got all the time.
He just wanted me to feel bad all the time.
I was trying to bring up some issues asked when we could talk. I know he is working he is busy, I understand and I pull myself back. He used to dismissed my feelings and always told me he has no time to deal with the issues. Yesterday he called me Mental and always being told that I'm crazy! I'm walking away and say nothing because he always make me feel bad, belittling me. I was having a hard time to let him go and hoping he will change. I guess now it's time to break the cycle
He would say that to me as well."you need help woman get help". That is his words
â@@painolivesis 26 yrs with mine . He don't change , well he does beat me too.
"Let me say this slowly so you can get it through that thick head of yours..." That was one of my narcissist's favorites. Any insult to my intelligence.
âbitch you got problemsâ almost every other day
Today I cried listening to his. đąđąđą. I am in a marriage and I am consistently at the recieving end of insults đąđą
Sorry to hear that
â@@plumduff3303 Thank you for your concern. I have learnt to handle it.
Please leave
My father and elder sister (9 yrs older) were high on the narc spectrum, both cerebral narcissists. From my early childhood those two would openly mock my spelling, punctuation, math, etc. They would read my writing phonetically and laugh openly. It seemed like a joyful bonding experience for them. I didnât want them to see my homework or write anything they might see, even birthday cards (I wouldnât do more than sign them). I hated playing Scrabble, Boggle, or any other word or number games in their presence, much less against them. It interfered with my learning. When I would let it show how much it hurt they would tell me Iâm way too sensitive and laugh all the more. To this day writing is stressful; I worry far too much that Iâll make an error. Even if Iâm doing a private game, like a crossword or Wordle (and I think I can now play these quite well), I still hear them mocking me, in my head, âGood grief! That sure took you a long time! (snicker, snicker).â They would both use fancy, obscure words in casual conversation and then sparkle with delight that I couldnât understand them. This is just a small fraction of their insults and abuse. Thereâs too much to mention here. My Father has now crossed the Brimstone Bridge and Iâve gone no contact with my narcisister.
Experienced similar teasing that scarred me for most of my life. Realizing the harm it caused has helped me be less stressed about my spelling skills- which were stunted by parental teasing. Itâs like my parent wanted to keep me down and not lift me up. Or didnât realize the harm they caused with their teasing. Sorry you experienced this too.
One of the biggest lies in a âhealthyâ relationships is that â love means never having to say your sorryâ.
pure knowledge
I was recently humiliated by my soon to be ex husband while I was on the prayer line. Instead of saying an apology he hit me with divorce. I have never said yes so fast in my life. I'm praying it will happen quickly.
AlwaysâŠ
Love means being ABLE to say I'm sorry...
The list is endless and the viciousness and contempt are nearly the daily breadâŠâŠbut I am QUIETLY PREPARING MY EXIT OF THIS DEADLY AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIP PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!
I pray you got out safely or will đđŒâ€ïž
JESUS LOVES YOU! I pray that you know that GOD will be with you. HE always is. And best wishes on your strategy. Hope it all comes together for you soon. đ I will pray for you and ask you to also pray for me in mine. Thanks in advance. đ
Whatâs bad, my narcissist didnât usually insult me that directly. But he would passive-aggressively drive me into a frenzy of confusion and chaos and then I would end up saying things like âyouâre impossibleâ or âyouâre an a-holeâ or even âyouâre a monsterâ. But mind you, this was after 12 years of dealing with the most controlling, neglectful, dismissive, minimizing behavior Iâve ever experienced, and on a daily basis. This doesnât sound that bad and itâs really hard to describe the agitation to someone who has never experienced being with someone like that before. It was just an elusive type of abuse and Iâm sure thatâs what made it so confusing and frustrating for me. Itâs hard to try to get someone to take accountability when they believe theyâve done nothing wrong. And he truly couldnât see the abuse, except on a few occasions where it was impossible to miss. I ended up recording our conversations so he could hear why they were wrong. Of course he wouldnât listen to them and would tell me that I took things the wrong way, but for some reason the court understood it pretty well during the divorce hearing. This man never raised a hand to me, he never called me names outright, but I still got a divorce based on the grounds of cruel and inhuman treatment. If that tells you anything. It took a lot of time and a lot of evidence to show the judge what I was going through, but in the end, he was very sympathetic to what I went through. I never used the word ânarcissistâ. I didnât have to say a lot thanks to the text messages, emails, audio, and of course the police reports (most extreme things he did to keep me from leaving including slashing my tires, lying under my vehicle, and threatening suicide). Even thinking back, it didnât seem real. It seemed like that couldnât be my life. And Iâm still confused today about what all happened. All I know is that Iâm damaged inside and I donât know how to truly fix it, but Iâm working on it every day. I want to be able to trust people again and not assume theyâre the same or that theyâre wearing a mask. It took 3 years before my ex narc felt comfortable enough to begin the abuse, after successful isolation from my family and friends. Before that, he was nice, fun, and acted like he would be supportive of what I wanted too.I shouldâve seen it through his jealousy as it was severe. I may still not know when to trust, but I know the following things: I will not ever allow a man to suggest what is best for me. I will never allow a man to suggest I move away from my family or to talk bad of my friends. I will not ever allow a man to make me feel bad about the things I enjoy. I will never allow a man make me feel like my dreams and goals are foolish. I will never polish a manâs ego in hopes that he will love me more. There are a lot of things I wonât allow anymore. The funny thing that Iâve learned is that men seem to be exactly what they claim us women are. Too many are emotionally unregulated, whiny, spoiled, their expectations are too high, they want someone to take care of them via waiting hand and foot on them, and they need constant validation.
Deep, I felt like you explained my situation. My experience taught me everything about what I never want.
This đŻ
All these narcs use the exact same mind games, extreme jealousy, & control unlike anything Iâve ever seen! I have the identical things going on w a man that didnât show his true side till about a year into the relationship. Before that, I never knew the horrors of a narcissist. First one & I nevvvver want to go thru this shite again! Youâll be ok. Now u know even subtle warning signs. Anyway, 99.9% of the men Iâve dated have not been narcissists. Youâll find someone genuinely kind & caring. God bless đ
"I may still not know when to trust, but I know the following things: I will not ever allow a man to suggest what is best for me. I will never allow a man to suggest I move away from my family or to talk bad of my friends. I will not ever allow a man to make me feel bad about the things I enjoy. I will never allow a man make me feel like my dreams and goals are foolish. I will never polish a manâs ego in hopes that he will love me more. There are a lot of things I wonât allow anymore."
Dr Ramani is very clear, no mind numbing preludes bf the good stuff. I appreciate all of her insights on sensitive topics.
The mighty narcissist who made my childhood and youth a hell had become a cranky old man with hemorrhoids who is not even loved by his children. Time spares no one.
Thatâs my dad as well! Fool who prepared me effectively for abusive adult relationships. What father does that to a daughter? I have zero respect for he
@@narcissisticabuseawareness3607 It is not yet too late for us to change things and live a good life. Cordial greetings wherever you are.
I hope this experience is mirrored in my family. Bless
@@MJ-qb5ph I hope you can manage to get away from them and live a peaceful life with good people around you.đ
@@bettyford1524 thank you Betty. Bless
There's this trope in movies about an old person being abandoned in a nursing home where their kids never come to see them. It's usually a commentary about "rotten kids" not loving their parents. Now, I have to wonder if those old people are narcissistic parents who are reaping what they sowed.
I worked in assisted living and I wondered that also.
Yes⊠they are reaping what they sow. Most normal people will be kind and loving to their parents, if the parents were also kind and loving.
yeah,abusers die alone in nursing homes.
When my dad died, no one even knew when he died in his room... he had been gone for hours before my mom came home and found him. He had pushed everyone away - his kids, his loved ones... it was a miserable, lonely death that culminated in 14 years of Parkinson's and 40 years of apathy, neglect and abusive behavior.
He got exactly what he deserved.
And my mom was his enabler of bad behavior for 30 years after she had married him, while he was still married to his first wife, mother to his 3 kids! And now? Nobody wants anything to do w/ her because she carried on his pattern of poor behavior, judgmental attitude, lofty expectations and just hurtful demeanor... Some people act like their kids are supposed to eternally ingratiated to them, while treating them like disposable minions. And she wonders why I can't stand her...
It took me a long time to realize that my parents' misery had nothing to do w/ me... They were just unhappy and unable to find satisfaction w/ anything by themselves, so they took their own frustrations out on their kids.
My dad went in for a heart bypass surgery, he could've died. Didn't even visit the guy. I dream of choking him to death with a pillow once he's on his death bed, spouting "How does it feel to not be able to defend yourself, motherfucker?"
There's so many narcissists around these days it's impossible to avoid all of them
Wow.. 2 minutes and I'm already in tears, where was this video a few years ago when I could've gotten out of this relationship. đą
...and you can't get out of it now?
Why can't you get out now?
My ex would pretend his insults were just nothing but good natured ribbing even when I would say they hurt - cue the gaslighting - I am just teasing. You are too sensitive which in turn got me to be self deprecating. But it was never ever mutual.
It couldnât be mutual, because if they are on the receiving end of the â good natured ribbingâ they explode.
@Douglas Farshtey yup. They would get so upset if you insulted any little thing they enjoy, yet they cant understand why you have a problem with it
If you tell someone you are hurting by their words and actions and they say youâre sensitive. Itâs a đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©
Becareful about the "good natured" ribbing. Even that gets old after a time, and what was just a fun poke becomes a test or "grooming" for the more sharper insults to come later.
100% agree a healthy relationship does not include ANY sideways comments.
So very true, wish I had realized this earlier.
Thank m you for that, does not include any sideways comments.
I would like to include that any comments including "double negative" wording
Is a bad thing. I can't b stand those sentences I hear. I have to stand there
Wondering what the heck you ment.
It never ceases to amaze me how watching videos like this and talking to other survivors of narcissistic abusers feel like a biography written by someone I've never met. I noticed a lot of subtle digs/put downs from my partner when I was in the relationship and didn't think anything of them at the time. After doing some research, they were in fact passive aggressive manipulations that, along with numerous other little things, always kept me off balance and uncertain to varying degrees. For a long time I just felt like I got completely pantsed and was stupid for ignoring so many red flags. The thing is these people are scheming and diabolical and are thinking about 10 steps ahead of you and punishing yourself for getting fooled is pointless and only adds to the pain. For me, working through the grieving process, getting into therapy, understanding the person I was dealing with is broken, leaning on my support network and sharing my story with others has really helped.
He said you made me believe you was something you wasnât when I met you! He completely destroyed the day I met him 21 years agođ€Ź A memory I once cherished....