Are women justified in mentally breaking up with a man years before they physically break it off?
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- čas přidán 4. 07. 2024
- I'm giving the woman's justification for doing this, how men feel about it, and my perspective along with what I believe is the solution
You recited verbatim arguments I had with my ex.
“You should just know”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you”
“You’re an adult”
“I need you to step up”
Meanwhile I was working 60 hours a week and she was working 32.
My own mental load was irrelevant to her. When being with her felt like a job I wasn’t being paid for, and I was no longer respected or appreciated, I ended things.
"Mentally breaking up" with a spouse is NOT a "thing", it's just a rationalization that someone uses to assuage their own guilt for their actions. 😐
Basically they've "checked out" mentally but are still physically going through the motions.
Precisely. Experienced it just 2 weeks ago
Definitely a thing, That's why a lot of men are puzzled how a women can move on so quickly. They don't, they start months or even years before men even clue in. My X probably started 10 years into my 20 year marriage, I always thought it would sort it self out when the kids left, but nope. They grieve and check out long time before a man starts. The guilt BS is something else, they still blame everyone else except themselves. I take joy in this because they won't ever heal until they admit their part in the failure of the relationship and if they don't, they will never heal.
Women do this specifically to monkey branch....to the point where they no longer care about hurting their partners feelings. Then that's when they pull the trigger. It's completely selfish. And honestly pathetic. It's the cowards way out. Scared to leave until they have filled up the attention tank. Once it's full and they've found a replacement they bail
@@mr.fettesq.7705 I agree, that's a good description, they cowards and cowards for leaving and taking the easy route out and pathetic. Pathetic cowards.
What is messed up is they “mentality break up”, and start looking for another man. And a lot of times they only end things when they already have another man lined up.
Monkey branching
The monkey doesn't let go of the branch it is on, until it has grasped the next branch.
That's called monkey branching, Bro...
@@markymarknj monkeybranching is when you intend to shift to the other relationship and dump the previous one
@@sneezyfido well, DUH! What do you think the OP was about?
What also builds resentment is when he mowed the yard while she watched the Notebook, then spent six hours fixing your car, then tries to squeeze in a moment on a Saturday to spend time with the kids, then she tells him she needs him to do more.
Girls don't care about what you do for them. They only care about how they feel. Although fixing her car or mowing the lawn is a way of showing love the girl doesn't see it that way. Girls expect a man to do that kind of work and therefore don't appreciate it. Sad but true.
“Just because you say words to somebody doesn’t mean you communicated the meaning behind it.” This 100%. I was blindsided when my 12 year marriage ended. This sort of lack of communication was the root of everything. She told me in the aftermath that she had doubts for 8 years prior. Even started a major home renovation project then filed for divorce in the middle. This was not a marriage that ever lacked activity in the bedroom, which made it so much more confusing. After 2 years, I am afraid to get involved again out of fear of being with someone who can’t effectively communicate in a relationship.
Appreciate the content, thank you for your prospective and support of men is these situations!
My wife simplifies issues rather than examining the complexity of the matter. Then without any understanding or research, she will tell me I don't know anything, then gets upset if I get into the details.
I wonder if most women are actually narcissists??
Sounds like a common problem for men.
Yup my ex wife did this. It took me seeing her phone records of her sending this new guy 1800 texts and late night photos over the course of 3 days literally right in front of me huddled over in the corner of the couch. Confronted her and then all the blame shifting, gaslighting and lies came out. Of course the "ive been unhappy for over a year" lie came out. Now they are together. Idk how some women can maintain this level of betrayal and deceit for months on end behind your back. Its sickening and wicked.
In other words is it perfectly ok and angelic to use someone for one-way love and support of all kinds for years instead of just breaking up or trying to fix it, you know…like a grown adult might :)
Women don't grow up emotionally until they get their hearts and minds shattered.
@@MrButtwipe102like a girl told me once when a girl loved broke my heart and then wanted back in once the guy she thought was better made her. A single mother.
My female friend: Troy you should shag her and tell her the child ruined her 🐱.
Me: why the hell would I do that?
Her: Troy she broke your heart, now break her spirit. It’s the only way “female dogs” learn.
@troystaunton254 yeah. My ex wife broke our family up and destroyed the life I had worked to build for myself. I worked my ass off for a couple years after the divorce to get myself back to where I was and she sat in my car one night drunkenly begging for me back lmao I told her if she got a job and a car I'd consider giving us another shot lmao I'm about to start a country music career and she's dating a dude who's 5'4 and looks like a grape lmao
@@MrButtwipe102 Into a million, trillion pieces.
@@MrButtwipe102 A grape, lmao. Keep your head up buddy and focus on yourself, good luck with your county music career. 😎
Amen! Grace! Different nental loads! I was that upset woman at her man - making demands of my husband, putting myself on a pedestal and him never doing "good enough," and me not realizing my own failings to be a good wife. I went to therapy and found I was acting like a borderline (not the therapist words, but my own after I realized I was taking a page off the playbook of a discontent wife) because that behavior was acceptable by women in my life and then therapy as a couple made me see the little boy - and good man - that is my husband, and his genuine confusion in not knowing how to make me happy and it BROKE MY HEART. I am now in this 109% (like when I first married him, 17 yrs ago), and my goal is to be a loving, compassionate wife - NOT - for him to do what I want. I'm not saying this is everyone's story. But I think it's pretty common that good men are treated badly by unrealistically demanding women and vice versa.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, I still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, I am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, I love her so much, i dont know why I am bring this here for, I cant stop thinking about her
@jaypritchett3414 wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do I reach her?
@jaypritchett3414 Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up now online. impressive.
I often think about a woman who I deeply love who I pursued a relationship with in 2016. She married another guy in late 2020.
Get a dog
I know where you’re coming from. Took 30 years to get over my ex.
You hit the nail right on the head, the lack of straight forward communication of women when it comes to talk about what they want done is hilarious.
As someone that grew up only with women, all that time was a living hell. Not only what is required to do isn't specifically said...but even if a guy finishes the task god forbid if it wasn't done as she would have done it.. You immediately get the eye-roll, 'I will do it myself then... Why did I even bothered asking you', and there goes time that could have been better spent. And as men, we will have to come to a compromise or make it up to her somehow.
Being vague/unclear helps dodge responsibility and makes it easy to play victim or gaslight, it’s why it’s a tool employed with plausible deniability.
I understand man. I have grown up with mostly women, and I'm only know realizing how horribly they treated me. Not saying all women are like this, but more that no one was there to teach me how to care for myself and stand my ground.
@@codagaming9186 exactly, more quickly they would criticize. I learned to take care of myself and stand my ground all by myself.
They -the women in my family- didn't like that a single bit.
and its not like asking them up front about specifics of the tasks help because it will lead to being snapped at. Thus you're left at never being able to do the job right and being snapped at for that.
@@AndrewTheFrank exactamundo.
My wife of 17 years "mentally broke up" with me THREE YEARS before she admitted to having an affair and leaving our kids and I for another man
Was she still intimate with you?
@@dontstalkmedeltoro8816 as much as it sickens me, yes, she was. I've been tested multiple times, and have thankfully come back clean though 😮💨
It just she haven't found next branch to cling on, so she still with you
@@malakatan3235well said
Monkey branching, my ex-wife did the same thing. Multiple times. You are not alone man.
You are correct how women break up months/years before the final breakup. My ex wife moved out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom seven months before she physically moved out of the house (while I was out of state and had no idea as to her plans). I filed for divorce and have gone complete NC with her. I can also tell you that I will never again enter into a relationship let alone a marriage. It’s simply not worth it. Not at all.
Same boat of issues, result and conclusion with you brother. Todays women are not the same as the women of our grandparents generation, as feminism has pretty much destroyed any hope of finding a traditional submisive feminine woman, I mean, what guy wants a woman that has masculine traits?? We men have to deal with masculinity stuff all day at work, NO GUY wants to then come home each day and also deal with a combative, aggressive, outspoken wife or girlfriend!
Ive found todays women just aren't worth the hassle, money, commitment, love or heartbreak. MGTOW is looking better all the time..
@@gc4644 I agree that women are insanely annoying and most of them aren't worth the hassle, but to say they should just be submissive to their husband is not right either. If the husband always handles his business, then yes, but most men don't do that. Yet they want a submissive wife.
@@rgn87654 yes, we want feminine and submissive wives-IMAGINE THAT! If that doesn't appeal to you, then: 1) marry someone different; or 2) don't get married at all. Problem solved.
We werent married but the exact same thing happened to me. She moved into the spare bedroom and then moved out when I went away some months after that. Planned it all while I thought we were working things out.
I bought my ex wife a house a never slept in the master bedroom, I slept on a couch in a spare room. This went on for three years because I knew she was cheating on me and the whole time I was working 24 hour shifts as a firefighter and working a second job as a paramedic in an emergency room. Not once did we ever address it, one day she just said she was leaving and I couldn’t get her crap out of the house fast enough. We were only married for 3 years when she started cheating on me, it’s been 25 years and I still have no idea why she ever got married or why she just didn’t leave if she wanted to be with someone else.
Communication is key, I've experienced a lot of generalized statements that were never directed towards me but meant for me, never clear communication growing up from all the women in my immediate family. It took me years and my abusive ex gf to break up with me to realize that it wasn't entirely my fault for not stepping up, it's their fault for telling me what to do so I'm not set up to fail. I realized that any woman who responds to me with "you're an adult, figure it out" or "you should have known" truly lives in their own world and is someone I don't want to be involved with romantically. Thankfully I'm with someone who is constantly communicating with me and wants me to communicate with her about everything, especially our relationship. Sadly there's nothing I can do about the women in my family, but at least I don't have to worry about that in my dating life. Just be upfront and honest, that's all most men can ask for.
Men are fully aware their woman is not being a good wife but we're blackmailed to stay for kids and the state giving her more than half your lifes work and supporting her for years to come.
Today Men have everything to risk & lose in getting married, while women have little to risk and everything to gain in getting married.
What constitutes a "good wife"?
women who weaponize silence or "lack of physical intimacy" in response to men not reading their minds after failing to communicate effectively are DOOMING the relationship to failure.
Yep- that's what happened to me.
16 years and got hit by the divorce bomb. She had decided years ago but would not communicate.
Guess us men need a crystal ball or psychic.
I believe this. My wife broke up with me in 2018, but I see now that she had broke off mentally from me way before that. I will never be in a relationship with a woman again. Too much guessing and requirements and confusion.
Me too, that's why I've started going MGTOW. Todays women just aren't worth the hassle, stress, drama, money and love..
I don’t know. I think many Women just don’t know what they don’t know, honestly.
I don’t believe Women intentionally set out to ruin their and their Husband’s lives.
The right Woman for someone will be teachable and flexible enough to learn stuff like this if she doesn’t already know these things. And there ARE still good Women and Men out there.
I think it’s more about knowing what you’re looking for in a mate, taking your time, & then being very selective.
As someone going through my second and final divorce as I am never getting married again. This spoke to me the whole reason we're getting divorced is for the last 10 years I clearly told my wife exactly what my needs were and where I felt she was falling short and she did NOTHING to address any of it. I was SPECIFIC as in "please clean up your messes around the house" "please put things away" and many other ways she was not doing what needed to be done. Whereas with me all she ever did was complain in generalities "you're too harsh" "you don't spend enough time with me" but she never gave suggestions for us to do things together or when she did we would do the thing and she would ignore me. I got tired of the crap and initiated the divorce proceedings after trying and failing for 7 months to get her to pull her head out of her rear oh well thems the breaks.
My 3rd wife is a good one (18 years). First wife was a lazy pig who only wanted to sew and spin wool. I had to nag her to shower and brush her teeth daily! She now wears dentures!
@@ltcajh I'm amazed any man gets married a third time even to a good woman because let's face it there are basically zero benefits to the man in marriage. I will co habitate again at some point, but marriage? Unless she signs a pre nup saying she gets nothing with a clause I can throw her out of my house at will never going to happen.
@@baldmetalnerd My brother did 3x too, and he said, “Third time’s a charm.”
@@ltcajhHe must be mad.
Just curious as to why you married your 2nd wife to begin with?
All my life I have struggled with indirect communication. I have tried and studied the cues and intricacies of body language and tone via books and videos, amazed at how little of it would have come to me naturally.
That said, the nugget of gold at the end of this quest might just be the realization of how worthless this pursuit was. Indirect communication should not be studied, understood, or used - *it should be wiped from existence.*
Indirect communication does not make the world turn. It does not build computers or grow food or win wars or send people to space or provide heat, light, and wi-fi.
It is not worth respecting and if you ever deal with someone for whom indirect communication is their preferred way to be... call them out directly. Do not reward their weakness.
If they cannot declare what they want, they are not worthy of it... and they are not worthy of you, either.
indirect communication is why a gaggle of women never get anything done
The solution is simple: No innuendo. No hyperbole. No vague hints, no subtle hints, no hints that are so obvious a dead dog could get. Say what you mean clearly and mean what you say.
The problem is age old and there is no solution.
Men say very little in general but when they say something that bothering them, they are brief and to the point.
Women always feel like they are being personally attacked.
When women say something that is bothering them, they will be vague but they will mention it frequently.
This gives a subconscious signal to the man: nothing to worry, women love to nag.
The few marriages that do not end up in divorces are simply miracles.
A man who talks often and a woman who is to the point.
She's right on target. When issues arrise that are not solvable, then it's on the partner who still isn't satisfied to clarify what's wrong and what they feel needs to be done. Just agreeing to work on the problems isn't good enough. Men are problem solvers and will solve teh problem if they understand what the problem is, but if they don't understand then nothing is going to get better. If the woman has given up, then they just need to tell him, because he'll continue to work the problem thinking that it can still be solved. I did this for 19 years before I finally figured out she just wasn't interested in fixing the problem. Be honest folks, open up to your partner, if itisn't going to work then both partners need to understand that.
This is exactly what has happened to me and now my wife blindsided me asking for a divorce a month ago, saying how she mentally left years ago and she has to do this for herself. It's so painful and I wish I knew what she really wanted years ago but was not clearly communicating with me. We have three boys and my heart hurts knowing what they will go through during a Divorce as I did when I was the same age as my oldest. All I can do is hope and pray that when I keep working on myself and keep a very clear communication with her consistently over time and we can make it work long term.
@emily_wking. Thanks for the reply, I really enjoy your videos. Sorry, I am not fluent in emoji's, what are you saying?
Sorry, bro. Not being a dick but your marriage is done. It's a walking corpse that you still think is alive and healthy.
Invest that energy that you would have trying to salvage something that, let's be honest, was not what you thought it was.
I don't know your wife, so I won't comment, but you have kids to put that energy into keeping them grounded for the foreseeable future.
You cannot control others, only yourself and to an extent your environment.
All pretty true. I would add one observation, after many decades of marriage, that women do tend to see life overwhelmingly from only their own perspective, and have a more limited ability to imagine, or at least interest in imagining, what it would be like to be someone else.
And yet women are called the "empathetic sex"-YEAH, RIGHT!
Interesting.
It would appear, then, that my husband is a woman.
I can be as explicit and specific as I like in my communication...
My husband either instantly forgets it, or "understands" it - but actually has misunderstood, never checked for clarity, and then he expects me to read his mind, and be responsible for his entire emotional landscape, while he verbally obliterates me for "misunderstanding" his very harsh criticisms, and then conveniently forgets having said any of the things that upset me.
Great.
I am now going to insist on comminication in writing.
This talking thing does NOT work with some people.
mentally breaking up with someone sounds a bit abusive if it's long term; you're literally keeping said person trapped without their knowledge
and that mental break up shows in the physical, lack of touch, gradual but eventually noticeable distance - and the other person will either be naïve, in denial or won't think much of it until it's too late
Then like 70-80% of all women in relationships are abusive :D
Without communication, love doesn't stand a chance. When one doesn't talk about everything. There is the strain in the relationship. One may just do something without telling the other. Ultimately causing an argument or disagreement. Finger pointing does nothing. Men and Women should work TOGETHER on everything.
This is why I don't bother with TikTok or any other woman driven spaces when it comes to relationship discussions. I've noticed that there is a common underlying assumption in all of their discussions and that at the root of any frustration the man is being malicious, spoiled, or lazy. They never entertain the fact that men and women prioritize differently, process the world differently, or may be dealing with his own stuff. Imagine if you immediately assume the worse at every juncture it now becomes an excuse to go scorched earth.
I got married in 1963 and we are still married today. My opinion is that we males and females are very different. Husbands are generally happier than wives because they have simple needs - food, sex, and respect. Wives needs are more and they make decisions based on emotion rather than reason. That is probably why they initiate more divorces. They ignore the needs of their children when they break up a family. Their needs take priority. No fault divorce should never have been approved. My wife had her moments but she stuck it out. Now she has me as her caregiver.
About communication; once about 20 years ago , my wife had a disagreement about a family situation. After a prolonged discussion, we disagreed, and I did what I judged best. She punished me for three days with silence. At the end, she began to talk, saying that it took too much effort to keep this up, so we resumed our normal life. Since then, we have tried to talk more clearly, and our relationship has prospered.
I quit doing things around the house because of being told what I was doing was wrong. When I was asked to do something I did it. If I saw something that needed to be done I would do it. After being told something wasn't done to partners liking I quit doing whatever. After years of taking this crap I checked out. Eventually we had it out and I threw years of frustration right back at her.
"Get out."
See how easy that was?
Emily, you are so good. It is such a shame that more women can't communicate with men as well as you can. And if women say "it's just as much the man's fault " in lack of communication, well it isn't. Quite often women say something like "I need help", the man says "how can I help you" and the only thing the woman says is " I don't know, you figure it out" . That is a definite failing on the woman's part, not the man's.
I was 24 and she was 28. The sex was on point, I was appreciative, supportive, understanding, loving, assertive and emotionally intelligent. Then one day, I realized that she had been texting someone else, flirting and concerting dates while still sleeping with me and telling me she loved me. I felt cheated on, so I broke it up.
It took me years to understand that she couldn't see a future, even tho we had already spoken about what would happen if she was to get pregnant (Plan was getting married, move to her apt and raise the child) and I understood the reasoning: I was just halfway through college and didn't have a good income. She on the other hand had a Masters Degree, a stable job, an apartment of her own (she used to live with her mom and rent it). What she didn't know it was how much of an inspiration she was to me. After the break up, I forgave her and really tried to get us back together to no avail: I dropped out of college, took a banking job and made my way up at lightning speed. Replaced my sedan for a sports car, a retirement account... I wish she had given me the chance to grow.
Your a suckup. They don't care how much you care once they lose attraction to you. She liked you at first. Realized your just a younger no aim no money job
My brother, most women wait at the finish line, and choose one of the winners... You are not alone... I've been there too...
If she was stepping out on you, why did you want her back? Are you sure you aren't just looking for the status of being in a relationship? Sounds like she did you a favor. What a horrible person to play you like that.
@@rgn87654 I wanted her back because, simply put, I loved that woman. Her betrayal hurt but it didn't kill my feelings for her. It took her getting married for me to finally give up on the idea of somehow getting her back. It was with her that I learned the difference between having sex and making love is the same difference between sugar and Splenda. I was young and deeply invested.
But you are right, she did do me a favor, it made me an even better catch.
Would you have been the sort of man where a woman would help you grow (and supplement your income) and then retreat to raise the children and keep the house? I don’t mind doing this with a man, however I wonder if he would abandon me once he can stand on his own two feet?
This is the exact thing that happened to me. Spent the better part of a year mentally falling out of love with me while pretending that she wasn't. Took what was ours and decided it was now hers, then decided she didn't want it anymore.
You truly nailed it on the head here. I have heard so many times "If I have to tell you exactly what I want I might as well do it myself". Her solution was the silent treatment and the death stare. If i did guess right about what was wanted I would never get any feedback to know what to do next time.
I love when you do your videos without holding up your phone! So much easier to follow you and what you are teaching!!!
I had an ex who would get mad about something she "explained" to me because i was doing it again, my go to response was "did you use really small words and pictures?"
Here is the issue I have noticed. Society does not hold women accountable for their actions. They do not need to mature and do not need to improve their communication skills. When no one holds them accountable and spoils them their emotional development stops when they hit the teen age years. This makes women incompetent partners but society does not care because society treats men as the mature ones that has to father them.
Since most men do not want that they take advantage of them and here we are in a clusterfuck that we call society.
You do not have to worry about men since they are being held accountable for their actions by other men. Women do not do the same with other women since they are not confrontational and prefer to be liked rather than do what is right.
Thank you Emily, I wish I had known this 35 years ago before I got divorced, her choice. She told me one night that she didn't want to married anymore, and then she listed about everything you talk about here. We have a wonderful daughter that somehow I fathered/raised along with her mom in spite of her call me at work at least once a day to complain about money etc. Literally once a day even after I asked her not to several times.
Thank you for educating all of us. A year previous I had used an inheritance to have a beautifl home built for us and she still wanted more more more. Ugh.
Happened to me after 10 years married and 12 years together. I was blind sided. I wish she could have been more honest about what she wanted and needed from the beginning and that we could have communicated more. Instead she was great at intuiting what others wanted and a chronic people pleaser, who just got sick of it one day.
We divorced ~4 years ago and have both moved on, but I wish we had just broken up earlier instead of wasting all that time unhappy and resenting each other. I am very determined never to go through that experience again.
Since when are women expected to anticipate everyone else’s needs without being told? That’s just an imaginary expectation that women have created for themselves. No man that I know of expects a woman to read his mind, and it’s been my experience that when a woman tries to read my mind, or tries to anticipate my needs, she usually gets it wrong. If I wanted something, then I usually ask for it out loud using my words. If I don’t ask for anything, then I don’t expect anything, other than, perhaps, to be left alone while do do something else besides pay attention to her (so don’t go starting an argument because you assumed, wrongly, that I want anything other than to be left alone in quiet while I watched the game on TV). This is just an excuse to be a coward who does not communicate out of fear of confrontation (which is basically just a of fear of being disliked for saying something disappointing).
Ton to unpack here. Appreciate your content and the conversations you start and follow through with to try to make society better.
Unless I can find another "man whisperer," I'll remain single. Women today have no desire to learn what men want. The only thing I miss about my ex is the bouncing bed. No more nagging. No more bitching. No more trying to figure out if she's pissed at me or something else. No more wondering what I'm going to eat. We're not equals, we're complimentary. I'm old enough not to have to worry about the bouncing bed.
If you had a “bouncing bed” consider yourself greatly blessed. Most husbands do not have that after the first year or two of marriage.
@@maxsparks5183 lol 😆 😂 🤣 true.
You are so awesome!!! Please keep teaching these women !!!!
I hope your words make a big impact in the world. I agree with you. I watched alot of these things with my parents and others in my family. This resentment causes me to NOT want to seek relationships.
Women: "Men never communiccate"
Also women: "I shouldn't have to tell him he should know"
As the Fella once said, you CAN'T make this shit up!
These same women will still use her man for as much as she can take him for while "mentally breaking up": Women only as loyal as thier next oppertunity
You have made a lot of excellent points. Thank you for helping both sides work together better.
It is always your responsibility to make your wishes made known and understood to the recipient. If they don’t understand clearly what you want its your responsibility to ensure that they do so. If you fail to do this, its your fault, not theirs.
I learned and adopted all these techniques from women years ago. Its been working great at protecting myself while getting whatever benefits i can. Thanks ladies!
In a heated argument, quite recently, in a 10 year marriage, I was told by my wife that she had checked out of the marriage 8 years ago, she hates me and wishes I would leave. I have been berated for not addressing my anxiety and mental health, yet now that I am actively working on myself I am berated for that as well. Seems like I can never win here - almost as if the answer exists before the question is asked. I have given up - no point in trying anymore - this does not help my mental health. But what to do, I have a child with her, I will do anything for that child. I will sacrifice my happiness and well being for my child - because who wouldn’t! At what point does a man walk away from a toxic wife, from a fake family, from a destructive situation? What kind of parent wouldn’t jump on a grenade for their child? I understand the argument about loving yourself before others but folks, tell me the process of how to leave your child behind?
I don’t know -
i'm a highly verbal male that was married to a woman in the 80's. she was not good at communicating, and i was working long hours to support our ambitions, as we owned a house in our mid 20's. i was working 3 jobs!! i was doing more than my share i would say, because she would sit around the house, not doing anything. i had to cook and clean too. but i sensed something was wrong so i worked in some time to get professional counselling with her with a couple that were both phd therapists recommended by my lutheran church. she still left me in the middle of the night with my daughter, and i've never seen either one since. she claimed if i went from washington state to texas she would move somewhere where i would never find them. i got reamed in court, lawyers told me to reconcile. worst thing i ever did. i never married again and stopped even dating decades ago. what's the point??
I really like how you shared both sides and then provided a solution. So much content is one side complaining about the other when the truth is we all have something to work on and learn.
My previews relationship failed because I couldn't tell her how much I appreciated her. I've pretty much ran out of hope for humanity. I seriously don't know what women want anymore. I've pretty much given up on dating.
It always comes down to communication as I see it. I am guilty of doing all those things you mentioned that women do, as the male in the partnership. I tried to ask what was wrong in our relationship, but she was either too scared to say, or thought I should just know. She left mentally probably a year before actually leaving. Although detestating at the time, now I see it as a blessing.
Open communication is key like in my current relationship. With my ex wife, I had to struggle to “figure it out” for whatever I was doing wrong at the time. For that reason, I believe I started mentally checking out towards the end (2 years ish).
Amazing video. What you're saying is correct. My marriage ended with many reasons you highlighted. I was told many reasons they had said, when I questioned it, it was just all the time. It was just during through conversation, so it's difficult to gauge the importance when it's mixed with other less important items. Another, help more around the house, so I try to clean, but it's not right to their standard.
I try to guess the right thing but make it hard if you don't know, especially as it's different after time. Or say you vacuum and later they do, making remark about not doing it right whilst making you feel bad while they do it.
I also find that as a man, it feels like you're not able to share your feelings without it being perceived negatively.
It is not only in romantic relationships . My mom used to do this all the time . I have never had a live in girlfriend so I have never had to put up with some of this . However I have gotten this treatment from like I said my mom or my sister .
Yeah, men are supposed to be f’n mind readers. My ex- knew exactly what I needed, it wasn’t much, but she was so selfish she couldn’t do it.
Deprive a living thing of what it needs for basic (emotional) survival, and then expect what you want in return to simply happen?
😡
My ex wife and ex girlfriend to a t, this is spot on.
Granted they were also both narcissistic and abusive, but that's a separate issue.
I’ve been watching Emily’s content for a while now. And I applaud her for creating a safe environment to have these great conversations.
This topic for me is similar when it comes to dating. Because for example a guy like me could be talking on the phone with a woman and things are going well. She’s into you she wants to talk to you and makes time for you. Then when you agree to meet in person the meet happens and suddenly there is that noticeable change in her that you can tell but yet she hangs on to you. But the red flags are there like cancelling plans last minute. Flacking on new plans. Promising everything is ok but never really making any time to talk anymore. I mean it becomes obvious she’s not interested. But when you talk to her she still wants to say she is interested. To the point where you leave because you notice the writing on the wall and she gets angry and sad because you jumped ship before she sunk it with you tied in it.
Why not just say something like “hey I had a very wonderful time and really enjoyed meeting you but this isn’t going to work out”.
Communication goes a long way because instead of leaving the situation opened and dragging it out where it only has the potential to hurt the man. Instead of providing closure which stings but it’s much easier to recover from and isn’t as bad as having a situation with no closure.
If what I’m saying makes sense.
It’s just my two cents on the topic. Emily if you see this thank you again for the amazing work you do. Please continue bringing these conversations they offer alot to learn from and understand. It’s extremely valuable. It’s always good to have a safe space to have real and genuine conversations! 👍
"Why not just say something like “hey I had a very wonderful time and really enjoyed meeting you but this isn’t going to work out”.
That one's pretty simple. If she says that, the attention she is getting stops and for women attention is like oxygen. Or she may be trying to get a bloke she sees as higher value but wants to keep you around just incase that doesn't work out. The best thing to do is cut her off as soon as she shows signs of not being interested. It's better for your well being and will mess with her ego. If is giving you the runaround she deserves to have her ego messed with.
I found her on FB random video's, myself (with those slide mirror videos)...
about idk... 6 months ago.
(I don't have a tik-tok account)
Then she started popping up on CZcams....
Same exact story for, Dadvocate.
(guess they both made their transition to youtube, at the same time. idk...)
Liana K is really the first one, of this style of channel, I followed.
(though she started with pushing back content, against Anita Sarkeesan. About 8 years ago? Well, whatever year gamergate was a thing, anyways.).
@@dat581 Yes. I’ve had this happen many times where I noticed the interest was gone and I jumped ship and the women where angry and sad. But I don’t do games and I’m not going to be second place it’s either me or the other person. Not both.
And I agree with your oxygen thing you mentioned. It’s very true. Many women hated when I would run.
But the thing is that at the end it’s unjustified. If she’s already interested in someone else she’ll be fine. And I won’t be hurt. Haha.
@@Hydra360ci For me one of shorts randomly was shown to me. I’ll be honest her attractiveness made me stop the scroll but then when I listened to the message that’s when I realized she’s on to something! And that’s when I started paying attention. I don’t have the other social media platforms just here on CZcams. The second one on your list just recently started to get recommended to me. The third on I have not been recommended at least not yet.
For me it made me feel good and made me smile to see that wow there are women who actually understand and are fighting for us man. And I just keep hoping that their movement continues to bring conversation and a safe space and also teaching women out there how some of their actions can actually drive men to say you know what I’m done I’m going to remain single. I’m tired of this.
All great creators with a very positive and value driven channels! 👍
@@leosthrivwithautism The funny thing is rejection ALWAYS hurts them. They can't handle it at all.
I went through this. My ex seemed so happy for a while and I didn’t get it. I refused to believe there wasn’t anything she wasn’t upset about because I was getting upset with her more and more each day. I kept asking if she wanted to bring back relationship check ins like we used to do but she’d never do them. I finally decided to be a grown up and stop holding things in and mentioned how she made me feel neglected for the past month and a half. Then she got mad and mentioned things from 6 months prior to our break up that I had no clue she was mad about. Months after the break up, I figured out she had a lined another guy up. She hops from relationship to relationship and won’t break up with the previous guy until another guy is in the picture. I got the feeling that I was her back up guy in case her new guy didn’t work out so I decided to cut her off. She’s either going to have to make things work with him or find someone else because I’m not going to be your back up. Not when I went above and beyond to be a stepdad to her child. She can kick rocks.
If she suddenly joins a gym and starts a diet out of nowhere, it's over. Sorry.
Your point Emily on most women being so emotionally wrapped up in whatever subject is on the table, and less capable of direct communication is a doozie. I love how women are always hailed as great communicators, just not with us men.
You've armed us guys with a simple fix to this madness. Simply ask, what do you mean? If we get an explosion, there's deeper issues there. Thanks Emily.
People with narc tendencies and BPD individuals will do this all the time. My soon to be ex after 32 years of marriage did this to me, several years ago she disconnected. Now at 54 she has to go to work and survive on her own. Covid did slow down things, but the divorce will be over soon and the property divided. What a waste.
Even if all the arguments you presented from the woman's side were 100% valid, they'd only be reasons why she'd be justified in breaking up with the guy. They wouldn't make it fair or justified to stay in the relationship for such a long time after having already given up on it, without communicating that.
Facts
I want to marry this lady . Someone with brains and beauty . Keep up the great work .
man's mental load that is rarely spoken of- am I going to be able to pay the bills this month? Do we have enough saved in case a car breaks down? My child isn't doing well in school, are they getting bullied? Am I raising a lady? Am I raising a gentleman? Does she still find me attractive? Am I still strong enough to defend her in times of danger? Am I spending too much time at work? If I spend less time at work how can we afford the mortgage? Do my kids like me being around? Am I leaving a legacy? My parents are getting old, how can I support them while supporting my family? Does the roof need to be replaced? The grass needs to be cut. I'd love to watch the game for a minute but is she going to let me relax for even a few minutes?
Sometimes when listening to your podcasts and you describe what men and women want I feel like I came from a different planet.
This just happened to me. Not sure how to navigate. I feel that I failed her for not making her feel that we were a safe place to share our emotions and thoughts with each other. Now she needs space and time.
Ok, the first part: passive aggressive behaviour is toxic in relationships.
This means things like:
Martyrdom - eg doing things in an angry huff because you think he won’t do it or hasn’t done it to your schedule or specifications (think refolding laundry, taking the bins out because he didn’t do it the moment you asked, etc).
The silent treatment.
Belittling, especially belittling sarcasm.
Refusing intimacy as “punishment”.
These are a really, really fast way to turn a small problem within your relationship into a toxic relationship.
Communication is central to any functioning relationship. If you ever hear yourself say “I shouldn’t have to ask” or something like that, it’s a signal that the problem in the relationship is you.
Oh, and if you are “mentally breaking up” with someone, at least have the common courtesy to make it an official break up. This is especially true if the only reason you are staying is for the lifestyle your partner provides you…
If one has "mentally" moved on and there's no saving whatever form of relationship there is to save; then the appropriate and adult thing to do is to verbally say it and move on. Otherwise it's just selfish and narcissistic IMO
I would get 'told something', but I may not be in the room or even in the house when I was told, what she meant was she said something and that was enough.
There are also "levels" - you mentioned the "clean the bottles" and the "help out more" comments. I have a way I clean my apartment, and a schedule of it needing it... my mum (the only person who visits my place) has... higher standards. She some times says "do you clean..." and the answer is yes. I don't seem to di it as well or as often as she does... of course she also pays someone to come in once a... week? Maybe every 2? My point is, she cleans personally more than I do and has a "professional" on a regular basis. I clean "enough" and never have pro help. If we suddenly had to live together for some reason... we'd adapt. But at this age... I doubt either of us will ever have a roomate again.
It took me a moment to remember what 'grace' is or feels like
The unfortunate thing about when this happens is the partner who didn't communicate their issues isn't the one who gets hurt the most. The quiet resentful one gets to move on, usually with a new partner, while the ignorant one gets used and discarded and doesn't see it coming.
this is one of many reasons i started to hate woman, i dont care about dating anymore and if i need sex, i just pay for it. quick, easy, no trouble and a hell of alot cheaper than a GF. i dont talk to them anymore unless i need somethings, if they need help with anything i just ignore them and i feel good about it.
its extremely easy to hate women because of the lack of honor they seem to have in their ordeals with other people especially men, that being said it would behoove us both to let that ish go, hatred is a double edge sword.. however I understand the difficulty, I got blown out by a couple chicks at a bar, 1 turned around and started talking like I wasnt there, I had this desire to just grab her by the head and throw her against a wall, no one sees the amt of self control, they just assume its our role to get chewed out and take it like a dog..
So many ways to say the same thing about men/women relationships in present day US. Women feel they deserve love just by existing but, their love for a man depends on him doing what she wants. Women will leave a good man for a far less good man. Women have little trouble leaving a man that treats them well but, will stay with men that abuse them. Women loved Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love that describes her journey away from her husband and hated Committed where she explores what marriage means to women in different times and places and admits she was the one that failed her first marriage. Men believe "Love is not if or because. Love is anyway and even though and in spite of." Women believe the opposite. Men and women have a different definition of loyalty. Men look for what keeps you together as a couple and women look for what pushes you apart.The key to unhappiness is focusing on what you don't have/aren't getting.Most marriages end because of unmet expectations. Men marry a person, women marry a lifestyle. Women celebrate divorce, men do not. The list goes on.
I am just glad that millions of men don't put up with this type of none sense anymore.
Yep, MGTOW 100%!
Monk mode..ACTIVATE!
Straight up, this is the main thing Why guys deep down, no longer approach, in the back of each guys mind, there is this question, is this person just gonna switch, is she just putting on an act.
She's willing to let you pay the bills as she prepares her exit. She's just using you and her emotional thinking allows her to rationalize anything she wants.
Normal chores are one thing, but if she is the obsessively picky sort who wants things done & done her way, then she needs to be an adult & take the steps to do them her way. Doing what she wants and doing it well just leads to her deciding to throw more on you, at least in my experience. That wouldn't be bad if it was accompanied by genuine gratitude & appreciation, but that is rarely the case.
If you live with a woman, keep your eyes open. When little things here & there begin to disappear, it is likely she is preparing her future nest. Ask me how I know.
Assumptions are a killer so cut that shit out women and stop hinting around and get to the point! Emily is right we can't read your mind. You said you wanted this but what you really wanted was something completely different. You so nailed it bad communications end always with a disappointment.
One of my last exes, I helped her start a small business after we moved 3 hours away, while I spent the week sleeping under my office desk to save money. The last weekend we were together, I came out to help on a down payment and cosign on a new car. When I got to work the following Monday, she sent me a breakup text and told me she didn't want to hear a response. She said she was breaking up because she didn't like the fact I was protesting against police brutality. She had been stonewalling me for weeks as I tried to talk to her about things.
"Communication" is overrated, most times people talk too much and don't listen. I've been unheard for decades. Listening is also 50% part of "communication", Women are seemingly not willing or capable of shutting their pieholes and actively listening to what their man is saying, verbally or not. Look at your man in his face, listen to him, look at his expressions, he is a live human. Listening is a sign of intelligence. I'm GenX, and an introvert, I don't want all the racket. Never again will I be manipulated by a narcissistic woman. Why is the woman dictating what needs to be done and what time frame? Pizza boxes? Bottles? Really? Is this really a battle that needs to be fought? What do I know, I'm just an older man that needs to be deprogrammed because of a narcissistic boss and a narcissistic ex wife.
The silent treatment is the worst.
I agree. I beleive the under tone is childish style or lack of the ability to articulate what is in your head. Or minds eye. To someone else so that the can in turn visualize and understand what is being said. It also works deep into taking care of yourself emotionally, and working through the problems you have to work for a working, healthy, functional relationship.
I've had this kind of behavior in every one of my relationships and I've come to think of it as emotional violence.
When a woman does that kind of passive-aggressive "use your eyes" nonsense, it's usually cause she's upset that the man doesn't prioritize the things she does and that he doesn't care about the things she cares about. And the woman is trying to force him to rearrange his priorities and adopt her worldviews, or he's an abuser.
I had a girlfriend who moved in with me and brought a plant with her. She had me hang it up high to get the sun it needed and then it was too high for her to water it, without stepping on a chair, which she didn't want to do. What followed was a random string of her passive-aggressive remarks that the plant looked like it was dying and needed to be watered. I'd water the plant, even though her tone would make me resentful. After a few months of this, I flat out asked her how often the plant needs to be watered and said I'd water it. Then I watered it on time, every time. She never again had call to remark on the plant's state.
She then wanted us to go get another plant, now that I've come to love plants. I told her I don't care for useless indoor plants. Never did, never will. If a plant isn't edible, decorative, or keeps insects away, I don't want it.
I only take care of the plant she brought in cause she likes it. She was SO upset and crying over this "revelation", but I think it's cause she can't change my fundamental values and completely turn my likes and dislikes around by being an emotional bully about it.
And, of course, her argument is that I don't care about her, whenever I try to get a compromise on something, or flat out refuse something she suggests. Meanwhile, everything I liked and strove for was worthless.
As per the beginning of this comment, this was a past relationship, which I ended over this kind of behavior constantly repeating. Every one of her foolhardy notions had to be indulged fully, or I didn't love her, never mind her reversing herself twice a year, whilst every one of my ideas was invalid right off the bat.
F*@# that!
You are absolutely right !
I’ve asked my ex husband to help, how and when. If he did help, I showed appreciation for it. I didn’t tell if he did it wrong. When I asked and communicated why, he helped for a time. Then he would stop.
After I communicated for many years, we both realized we weren’t compatible. We agreed to divorce. We did. But, it didn’t mean that he let me go. It took him many years to realize we weren’t going to get back together.
This is why those women feel its OK to cheat cause they already emotionally broke up, (but "weirdly" still kept taking his $) and don't understand why man is heartbroken.
I've never been in a relationship so this is all really weird to me. I think the single life is more for me.
These Conversations scare me. Is this what I'll have to deal with?
Same here. Idk how old you are, but I'm 25. Friends will sometimes talk about me needing to get a GF, but I know that as a mature man, I need to wait until I'm ready to support someone else. If it's meant to be, it'll happen eventually. But for now, I'm fine being by myself, especially because most women my age are super immature and have no idea what they want. It's sad tbh, nearly impossible to find a loyal woman even in their mid 20s
It’s work, constant unending work, whatever amount of work you might be expecting, having never experienced it; it’s like 4X that, for something to last anyway and it’s two way work, not just from you.
@@ProJatiormore than likely not.
Everyone does need to be a little more conscientious (i.e. “choosy”) so you can spot the red flags earlier.
These things DO happen, but they’re not universal. Like most social media, it tends to give the loudest people a platform, regardless of how dumb their ideas are (not Emily - her and Lauren have been a huge boon).
BUT, make sure you don’t just jump in with anyone. Make sure they’re not going to tear you apart later on
@@officialharveyb I'm going to be 33 on July 6th and I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Women my age are already married or way past me financially though but you know guys usually go for girls younger than them at some point.
It might be because we both play guitar, I've found that playing guitar hasn't helped with the ladies but it has brought me closer to friends and the real love of my life, music.
Romantic love doesn't work out for some people. Look at Nietzsche, he was spiteful about it but he left behind a philosophical body of work that is still engaged with today, Schopenhauer too.
I've definitely been told that I'm a grown man and shouldn't have to be told what needs to be done
Exactly what happened to me in my last 3 year relationship. I felt her starting to get distant and emotionally pull away for 6 months before she actually broke up with me. I tried to get her to talk about it, but she acted like nothing was wrong. Lack of communication with her not talking about her deeper feelings and needs was a pattern, and i was pretty good at guessing her needs though most of the relationship. But then she started pulling away emotionally over this period and i tried to convince myself that she told me the truth that nothing was wrong. It started making me depressed, missing the sense of closeness, and then she finally broke up. To this day, years later, I still have no idea what i did wrong or what I didn't do, as she insisted it wasn't my fault and gave no reason. We never even had an argument. Not once.(im a peacemaker)
It's not "lack of communication". Lying by omission. She knows what she wants and she isn't telling.
Als, she wanted a manly leader to put her in her place. She wants to be controlled. And you're a peacemaker. Solved it for you.
I have known of a woman who mentally broke up with her husband before she was married to him!
She wanted a child and thought was nicer to have baby as a married woman so she lined up the guy. She never had any intention of being married for more than about a year - just long enough to get married get pregnant and give birth. The reason I know this is she liked a friend who worked with her and she told him this. She offered herself to him but as he was already married he declined but she still offered an affair.
So there you go your happy bride might be planning your divorce before you are even married.
I suspect with 8 year marriages till the wife divorces the husband, there is some pre-planning. It is just long enough to have a couple of children and raise them till they are 5 and can go to elementary school at which point the wife can resume work with the husband locked into child support and most likely she has the marital home.
I told my late wife that many times. She would say she told me something, I would ask if I responded. Just because she told me something, doesn't mean I heard it, or mentally processed it.
I love your ideas😊
Love your work Emily
Yes I would much rather have a “to-do list” than get the silent treatment! Because I can do some positive things with a to-do list but I cannot do anything with the silent treatment….😮
My ex mentally broke up with me 10 years ago within our 23 year relationship. So all those times I told her I loved her, and she said it back, she was lying to my face. I’m now on day 33 of No Contact and I am just begging for the opportunity for her to ask to meet or whatever so I can tell her “I already made up my mind, but I will give you my answer, 10 years from now”. We will see if she ever picks up on the reference. We went on vacations together, I bought her expensive gifts, we made memories and had a life we built. She was too childish to cut it off like an adult so she decided to slowly saw through it over the course of a decade. Ladies, little tip if you have any shred of decency, a modicum of respect for your SO or even an iota of care and consideration for people other than yourself, keep that crap to yourself. The number of times I had to remind her “I can’t read minds” versus the one time she actually communicated her feelings to me, was just to twist the blade after stabbing me in the back with it.
Another great video. Keep it up!
Absolutely perfectly said. Lost a 14 year marriage due to this and my inability to see what she wasn't saying. Yes there were other things such as my self-centeredness, but I cant fix what I dont know is wrong. I'm not saying I'm stupid, but some of us need more directions and guidance.
This is all generally correct. However, one thing that's even worse than described was the bottle anecdote. Cleaning away the bottles isn't giving too broad a statement and leaving the guy confused on what to accomplish, it's giving too specific a statement that leaves him thinking he's actually done what you've asked and in the clear when you've basically removed half the task from a checklist of possibilities.
Other examples of such behavior do not come to mind right now but I’m sure they happen and they're even worse than lack of communication. They're miscommunication and hypocritical blaming of the "victim" of the situation.