Why Your Avoidant Ex Broke Up with You.
Vložit
- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
Join us as we delve into the fascinating biological differences in relationship behavior between men and women. This insightful discussion sheds light on how evolutionary pressures have shaped our relationship dynamics and how these factors play out in modern times.
Key Topics Covered:
1. Practicality in Relationships:
Women tend to be more practical in relationships, driven by the biological need to move on and protect their children.
Men, historically, have shown more prolonged attachment to their partners, a trait linked to higher chances of their offspring’s survival.
2. Breakup Recovery for Men and Women:
Men often struggle more with letting go after a breakup, sometimes leading to stalking behaviors.
Despite common beliefs, men experience deep feelings after a breakup but may not express them as openly as women.
3. Gendered Perspectives on Feelings and Breakups:
Many women think they are alone in feeling deeply post-breakup, but men also go through similar emotional turmoil.
Both genders exhibit profound emotions, though men might not share them publicly.
4. Analysis of Avoidant Behavior:
Women often wonder about their avoidant ex-partners' feelings and thoughts post-breakup.
Avoidant men might initially engage in activities like dopamine binging but later reflect on their decisions.
5. The Relief Stage in Breakups:
The relief stage is common after a breakup, especially for those with avoidant attachment styles.
This stage involves feeling liberated and engaging in activities that bring immediate pleasure.
6. Post-Breakup Relief and Rebuilding:
Many people experience relief after a breakup and engage in life changes such as partying or making dramatic changes.
Eventually, they may reflect on their decision and reconsider the breakup.
7. Reconsidering a Breakup:
Approximately 48% of people reconsider and get back together with their ex, though many break up again later.
Leaving an ex alone during their relief period increases the chances of them reconsidering the relationship.
8. The Pitfalls of Begging for Attraction:
Begging and trying to convince an ex logically can prolong their relief stage or create a deeper wedge.
Attraction is not built on logical persuasion but on mutual respect and emotional connection.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give the full episode: • How Men and Women Deal...
Join The Mentorship Program:
adamlanesmith.com/the-attachm...
Subscribe to The Attachment Newsletter:
adamlanesmith.com/newsletter-...
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Chapters:
00:00:00 - Biological Differences in Relationship Behavior
00:00:23 - Breakup Recovery for Men and Women
00:00:54 - Gendered Perspectives on Feelings and Breakups
00:01:18 - Analysis of Avoidant Behavior
00:01:48 - The Relief Stage in Breakups
00:02:14 - Post-Breakup Relief and Rebuilding
00:02:41 - Life Changes and Reflections
00:03:07 - Reconsidering a Breakup
00:03:37 - The Pitfalls of Begging for Attraction
00:04:06 - Watch the Full Episode Here
I had to let mine go, he was inconsistent, lied too much, never included me in anything. I knew this was going nowhere and had to let go..
My favorite mistake is consistently doing less than the bare minimum and consistently inconsiderate. 😢🤦♀️. I’m too curious to let go … I tell myself’maybe this and maybe that’ 🙄😭… you are a strong one 😘 🥰🥹
I had to let mine go as well. But actually he was very consistent, actionable, kind, generous, honest and gentlemanly with me. He just didn't see marriage in his future, where I did. He thought or might have hoped this would not be a problem to stay friends, but it was to me. I am not going to waste my time being friends with someone I wanted to get married to, keeping me stuck and disrespecting my future husband by bringing complications into my next relationship. Only then it hit him that not considering the durability of our future equals loss.
@@0Demiyah0 TY! I’m still trying to make sense of a dating life and if I even want to pursue a husband. My ex husband wanted to become a female so I’m tired of mourning the life I would have had but I’m hopeful and still have a lot to learn about myself like why I keep choosing effeminate men, or focus on new career to get out and meet new people. I’m willing to do the work although I know I need to learn more about modern dating.
Stay away from avoidants all together. Not worth it.
PREACH
🤡
Facts, they are similar to NPDs, they are actually not so intelligent tho and they have other spectrums as autism and adhd
I'm an avoidant and 1 year and half later I'm still stuck on her... While I'm the one who broke up with her.
It's understandable to feel stuck and confused after a breakup. The aftermath can be emotionally challenging, and it's common to question your decisions. Are there any specific strategies you're using to manage these feelings?
Yes, it makes sense, especially how sometimes avoidants take a longer time to get over a break-up.
First off; they have a massive delay in actually feeling the pain of losing that special person, as their repression mechanisms are so automatic and work perfectly fine for a while. But emotions will surface at some point with a vengeance. They require to be processed to properly move on. Meaning that an avoidant will only start to really digest it all 3-6 months down the line, and aren't properly equipped at times to work through it effectively.
Secondly, if this was generally a good relationship, where the avoidant felt some type of safety and comfort to be more open and let their guard down, it's probably one of few connections where they actually attained that level of closeness. Its quite a special experience for them, and one that will hold more meaning to an avoidant than it does to say a secure person who has many avenues to connect authentically.
Thirdly; as the avoidant comes with latent abandonment wounds and feelings of defectiveness and loneliness, they may think their ex is the one that got away in a world where they assume their chances of being in a joyful connection are severely diminished any way. The superficiality of dopamine pursuits wears off, and they re-appreciate the depth they experienced with an ex partner.
Would they reach out at all? I’m 2 months post break up but there was a hint of her wanting me to fight for the relationship during our last convo. Decided to prioritise growth but part of me believes in being the best partner for her
I am still stuck in the year 2008. She was/is amazing.
What? 16 years? Please get some help. She wasn't that amazing. This is limerance and nostalgia.
@@Cre8Fire34 im sorry man. But thats the truth.
@@georgybest5135it’s been 11 for me my friend. She’s different and I wouldn’t like her as much anymore I’m sure, but those were the days pretty much.
Thank you Dr scramble
How about if they dont verbally breakup and always come back ?
Do avoidant men deny they are falling in love?
I am very sure - and I am a realist by nature - that my ex partner was falling for me. From day 1 I knew he was avoidant and I used all of the advice I’ve learned from you. I’m pretty sure I witnessed his brain short circuit a few times when I did lol. My intuition wildly strong and I FEEL and FELT he was in love with me. He isn’t a man who can’t get women easily. He absolutely can. But he couldn’t keep his hands off of me when alone and when in the same room, it felt like there was this strong chain buzzing with electricity connecting us. I think his denial is a defense mechanism. Maybe he doesn’t feel safe to let himself admit the feelings. There’s also the long distance issue. I know he doesn’t want that and neither do. It just was hard to not let the feelings and connection flow. I can honestly say, having been friends for years before and more deeply now - I know he’s never had anyone like me before that gets him the way I did and a lot of that is because of what I learned here.
I am curious though about if avoidants deny they are falling in love even if they know they aren’t
Avoidant’s are capable and knowingly know they are falling in love. But, it is rather internal than external in terms of expression. All of us have “attachment” styles and Avoidant’s are not only misunderstood but they are truthfully very complex in the attachment styles out there. Partly, due to their childhood programming. You see, Avoidant’s want to be loved and love you too. As a child, they wanted to be loved by their parents but unfortunately, it wasn’t reciprocated in a healthy way as parents should naturally nurture their children. Instead, then showing the desire to be loved my their parents was rejected which led to abandonment but lead to issues with trusting the feeling of receiving love. So, as they go on through life wanting, desiring to be loved. Once they receive love, they go back into their childhood programming and become reclusive to receiving it because they feel this can’t be right. They get scared because they have always independently thought they aren’t capable of being loved. When this happens, they create distance and withdrawal only to go into their head to logically try to understand it all. You would think, they would love to receive love but unconsciously, they are still that child who only knows what they were raised in. You also may notice they are very independent and it’s because they feel often that something is “wrong” with them. Until this programming is addressed by therapy, inner child work, shadow work. The avoidant will continue to show up and bring excitement in the beginning and once things get to serious, they withdrawal. It’s a vicious cycle and unfortunately, if not addressed, you won’t get too much information out of them. Being vulnerable is their ultimate insecurity. Not because they don’t want to be, they don’t know how to be. Because, as a child. Children are naturally vulnerable until you are not emotionally validated by your parental figures. So, the thought is why be vulnerable, if I share my feelings, they will look down on me.
@@Gshockmaniac1 I’ve researched the attachment styles esp avoidants extensively, so a lot of this I’ve read but also it provides more insight so thank you. So would you say they can be falling in love and deny it?
@@mmbovilladardh Yes, I am a recovering Avoidant and trust me, I worked my ass off to cross into the more “secure” attachment spectrum. Sure, they can fall in love but you have to asked them what love means to them. They usually mirror your feeling of what love is because in some areas of their emotional intelligence, it feels good and they know you are happy with “love” but often don’t know what true love is within themselves. As a result, if they start feeling good about love. Rather than receiving it, they deny it.
@@mmbovilladardh Best practice when bringing an investment in a relationship I’ve learned. It to asked what their childhood was like and how their parental relationships was and is today. Asking questions about how long their relationships have been will be deceptive. They are good at holding relationships; especially with an anxious attachment (people pleasers). Avoidant’s are “fixers” and these two attachments are like the ying yang! Interesting enough, both are unhealthy and end up abandoning themselves in the whole entire process.
Really each person has their own feelings it's very rare and very few people who don't and those are usually the narcissist or Psychopaths
Or sociopaths
Yeah usually the person who left they'll they start to realize whatever they might have lost if it's good when they date a bunch of people and they realize that people are dating are not even close to what they had
Been watching a lot of your video's after finding you recently when I was having trouble with a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting girlfriend who is possibly borderline narcissistic? *had a psychologist confirm this stuff with me when I put myself into help mode and gave then all the details* Is that an avoidant?
But yeah, basically, tried to communicate on how she felt in the relationship. If she felt things were fair, how could we make it fair etc, per past video advice...and just got a ton on shot downs and blame and re-writing the narrative.
I'll admit I allowed a few boundaries of mine to be compromised in a bid for healthy compromise (boy did she push those lines over and over til I gave) and when I pushed back...boy was she nasty about it. "How dare I" was basically the consequence of standing up for myself after being honest and saying; "hey, I overshot and compromised a few of my boundaries in a bid for compromise (totally on me and I'll make sure that doesn't happen again) and I want to let you know I need xyz for this relationship to feel fair to me. Is there any ways you feel this has maybe happened for you and things don't feel fair? How would you like to address this so we can both feel loved and that the relationship is fair?"
OUCH, was she not having this...basically tells me I'm a liar and break my promises on a whim and don't want to support her and not a man, etc. At this point she also says she's thinking of ending things with me.
Then later that night she's wanting a nice chat about her day...bit awkward.
Next day she's clamouring for help and I'm real busy for the first time in a long time and say; "I feel a bit uncomfortable given you're thinking of ending things with me, I'm real busy right now...I'm sorry, I can't help." First time ever I can't and don't help her with things in her life.
Result, she's attacking my integrity, self-worth, manhood, etc and then just breaks up with me via an email in which I get this crap. YEIKES.
SO, reaching out to folk as to how they think and feel about such stuff. Adam, if you're reading this, I welcome your thoughts.
🤯
RUN.
It's over. I have been EXACTLY where you were, and I broke up with her 3 months ago.
DA's DO NOT CHANGE. Even when facing trauma and pain and loss. They double down.
If you reach out, she will emasculate you further.
If you do communicate, make it a blunt and harsh email or text re: all the ways she's dysfunctional. And make sure she FEELS your disdain. If she has any truth in her, she may have things sink in, and attempt change in her future, to not be so toxic.
Don't try to get her back. You know how damaged she is. Hurt people...hurt others.
I feel we need to talk a lot about it so please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Avoidants aren’t typically borderline, fearful avoidants have that hot cold behavior you are describing. However subtle differences between the FA and borderline. Either way, she went into deactivation mode and discarded you. Now you’re only thinking of those wonderful moments you had with her and how you can show her how much you care, and she’ll forever be happy. Bad news, it won’t happen unless she wants to change and go to therapy. Then it’ll take years and years. Be glad things ended. Block her and leave.
That doesn’t necessarily sound like an attachment issue. It sounds more like a personality disorder to me. Borderline personality disorder/narcissism is NOT the same as dismissive avoidance or fearful avoidance. If she’s verbally attacking you with intent to harm, that’s more than just an attachment style.
@@nannoreul Perhaps. Either way, I need the right tools to deal with the situation.
Thank you for your thoughts on the matter, it's truly appreciated. ❤🩹
If your avoidant ex comes back then it means that he doesn't respect you. He's looking for validation or distraction for whatever crappy thing he is going through. Avoidants really like to keep around toxic partners and stay in toxic relationships because they can get what they need without fear of actually becoming emotionally attached. I know a man who said that he would never marry his girlfriend and in fact was never in love with her. However, over the course of their rocky 14 year relationship he cultivated a very comfortable life for himself. Despite not being in love with her, she was still very useful to him. He lived in her house so she was solely responsible for his lodging. I mean, he would help here and there if asked BUT she was the one who had to manage. Her grandkids came over a lot and it gave him a sense of family. But all the while, he told everybody that he was single. Except for when he wanted sympathy from the women he was courting. Then he'd talk badly about her as an ex-girlfriend. But here is the kicker. In the present, he referred to her as his "sister" so the women wouldn't know that they were still living together. This guy is a real douchebag. The more I learned about him, the more pathetic he is. He was also disbarred for stealing money from clients and misappropriating funds.
when you guys talk about begging, are we talking about weeks/months? i sort of begged/asked questions bc I was confused for a few days that same week (3 to be exact but they were spread out) after the breakup & haven’t talked to him since but were those few days enough to push him away even further?
Say what you truly need to say, keep it simple. Show some love. Make sure they think your out. Weeks is ok. Good Luck
That used to be an Alka-Seltzer I believe
My question is, if women move on faster, what about avoidant women who've been broken up with?
Avoidant Women are so different, Try watching my episode named" How to Love an Avoidant Women". You will be surprised.
Toxic Peter Pans
Emotionally stunted and steeped in victim mentality
I truly believe that avoidants are not that interested in you. We call them avoidants to make some private logic for our dumped ego and brain but it is what it is, they don‘t want/love you anymore because lacking of attraction.
I‘ve met so many different couples in my life, believe me , if some one wants you, you feel- sense and see it.
The biggest challenge with avoidants is that they show or express in different ways that is expected of them, which may make it seem like they don't care or aren't compatible. How do you define compatibility in a romantic partner?
If 2 people have the same morals and goals in a relation ship and both are aware of , that character over chemistry is the key for a mature relation ship, than it does not matter if one of them is- or was a bit avoidant due to bad past experiences for example. Avoidants do have often the grass is greener syndrome and the other partner, who knows what they want can‘t change that anyway. You can be compatible physically, mentally and emotionally but if only one is willing to do „the work“ than it‘s really not worth it. Life is too short and being happy together is also a key thing if you wan‘t something to last.
Also a real avoidant brings often another psychological issue to the table than only the flakiness. If you‘re not a therapist itself, those people drive you nuts and you find yourself analysing what you‘ve done wrong all the time. So, just accept if the dumped you and give them what they want- the break up. Suffer in silence and move on because you deserve what you truly want in a constructive and loving relation ship.
Can the death of a parent when someone was a teenager cause avoidant attachment style?
If they were close and connected, it can of course have a significant impact on them, changing their attachment style. How close were they before their parent passed?
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for answering! I'm not sure how close they were, but from what I know, they had a happy family life. The same person had a relationship in 2014 with someone they really loved, which they ended because the person didn't want children. Since then, they ended all their relationships, even happy healthy ones, within a few months of dating claiming that they haven't had any feelings since their break up in 2014 and blaming this on not having found the right match.
She broke up with me 11 years ago.
Do you still think of her?
@@AttachmentAdam the daily pretty much indeed 😉
@@AttachmentAdam thanks for wondering sir.