Can You Reverse an INFJ Doorslam or Not? - I Say It’s Rare
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- čas přidán 26. 08. 2024
- I create videos about #INFJs and the INFJ personality type. INFJs are an MBTI personality type (there are 16 of them), and if you want to learn more about them, my channel is the place to do it. I have more than 800 videos on the subject (here’s the playlist bit.ly/3aIRakt), and you will learn oodles about being an INFJ, INFJs in relationships, INFJs door slam, and more. If you are dating an INFJ, then you can learn more about dating them and being in a relationship with them here as well.
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Door slams aren’t done after one time. It’s done after multiple attempts to correct the situation
True! :)
I set my door slam limit very high, but once its crossed it's crossed. It's like people should have an innate idea of where the lines are for people. I felt like why do I need to keep reminding people of where my line is and don't cross it, I'm completely aware of your lines.... But then again they aren't me and maybe not as focused on everyone's lines. They are used to other's showing them their lines. I just now am moving my line further back, so people are more aware of my line, BEFORE it gets close to the door slam region. Realizing people don't think and feel things like I do have really opened me up and freed me, let me off the hook and this is one of the ways it's affected me the most. Just move your line further back so they can see it before they actually get too close. Give them a gentle nudge, as other's do. I'm convinced some people do need this gentle warning, even tho my infj self is very easily aware of other's lines 🤔 I finally have learned this at 47.
Very well said! 💖
My door slam will never come after someone made a mistake. It will only come after giving several chances for someone to modify their behaviour and finding that they haven't. Since it takes so much for me to do it it is final.
Thanks for sharing your experiences! :)
As an person who is currently dealing with this very issue I can say yes, it is possible. We door slam as an act of self preservation but it can be unhealthy if we haven’t tried to communicate or find solutions to work with the relationship first. That being said once it happens it happens hard and fast. In my case, the person I door slammed matured and tried to better themselves then made attempts to reach out to me to show that they had changed for the better. I will say re-opening that door is hard. It gets harder the longer it stays closed. However, it is worth it if you choose to do as overcoming conflicts can make relationships that much stronger.
It’s so interesting you say that because I was just thinking that like the one thing that I would say that can reverse a door slam for me as if someone completely realizes what they did and changes to be a good person the problem is that very rarely ever happens but that is what I am willing to say I know I would reverse the door slam if someone truly changed for the good but that just doesn’t happen as much as it should
Thanks for sharing your experiences! 💖
Can you share your experience please?
Yes, it's so rare for me to reopen the door because toxic people are never going to change. I'm going to close the door more securely if they approach me again.
Toxic people break into your boundaries easily, so you may want to keep the door closed.
Good point! 🔥
Hello Boom… I hope you are doing well. I agree at times an infj door 🚪 slam is the only way to get the message through. Self preservation is not selfish. If you get the door slam from me it’s because there is zero other options and boundaries are necessary. Door slam is the equivalent of death. 🤔❤️🇺🇸
Agreed 100%
Thanks for sharing! ❤️
Hello Boom, I agree with the door slam, it comes after a lot of deliberation and pain. It's often to protect and respect oneself. As you mentioned when the person fails to listen after repeating over and over again, it really infuriates my senses and makes me question my values. Its about upholding the values I truly believe in. I don't think I have any regrets over door slamming the people I have. I don't think I can trust them deeply ever again. Even if I have to talk to them, it would be just superficial and would do anything to avoid meeting them in the first place.
Yes indeed! 🤓 🤓
This INFJ has never reversed his door slams.
Thanks for sharing!
funny you made this video... I did in fact reverse a door slam last night but it took weeks and I did it out of consideration of the relationship of the person. I explained to them if they wasnt the person they are .. a friend of 20 years .. long story.. theris no way I would have unblocked them. I am going to watch this when I get back and possibly go in depth of the back story ... much love Boom
Wow! Thanks for sharing! ❤️
I'll agree with Jeremy below. The 'slam' is a last-ditch move. It's an act of self-preservation, but for me it can be reversed for the right person in the right circumstances. Usually requiring an act of contrition on their part. I've done the door-slam mainly with close people who have proven to be grossly untrustworthy; you are right about setting a 'limit', Boom. Attempting to 'con' me back into contact by subterfuge, deceit, or force - or showing a total inability to ever change - will just cement it shut forever. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Trying to manipulate me back into submission is a losing proposition. My Ex and my siblings fall into that category. Only one person has ever been an exception to that, my second wife, and I believe her to be whats referred to as the 'twin soul' for me - as unscientific as that sounds. Slams do not 'stick' with her whatsoever, and we will always come back around into contact eventually. There is just some deep, underlying connection that exists back to when we were young children together.
Great stuff! Thanks for sharing.
Only child hood friends with that special connection are the exception. I totally agree
Because we are giving and generous we expect to be respected about the few things we are serious about and ask to be respected about and when people do not take us serious that is a clear signal to us that they think we are doormats. The few times I resorted finally to the door slam it felt great and I never looked back. I recently door slammed my husband's mentally ill aunt (only about the third time I have used it) after two decades of her nonsense and his family's constant covering up and excuses for her. Feels great and I'm not looking back. After a month she sent me a photo of her and me trying to hoover me and I just deleted it after saving the screen shot. I did not respond.
My sister did the same thing, started sending presents for my kids but doesn’t want to apologize. She Thinks because she has money she can buy off people, but sge can’t buy off this Infj
Thanks for sharing! ❤️
I am very communicative and can express what I need to the other individual. I also don't have high expectations, as I understand that humans are flawed and not perfect. I do give individuals chances and in the end, they prove that the door slam is needed. They continue their toxic behaviors because they are at a low consciousness and do not understand how to have a "healthy relationship". When one is toxic and have been surrounded by nothing, but toxicity, one may see toxicity as normal. Toxicity is not normal for healthy and healed individuals. One wouldn't understand how to have a healthy relationship if one is toxic. Low consciousness is toxicity. I believe every situation has many layers, different experiences, and things are on a spectrum. I treat every situation individually, as context is everything and the more context one adds, the information is different. I understand human behaviour and human psychology, very well. Not only that, I am empathetic and individuals usually know that I understand them more than anyone else truly does and actually truly cared about them, while others didn't. They realize everything that I brought to the table and what they lost. Sometimes some humans learn the hard way, if they can learn lessons, at all. Which is why they always come back. I give individuals chances, but there is a limit. Everyone has limits. Even the most kind, have limits. Regardless, if one understands human behavior and has empathy. However, when I draw the line is when it becomes way too toxic. If things get toxic for me or others, then I step in and take the appropriate actions. When I am out, I am out. There is nothing one can do to make me come back. Not even for a million $$. I know how and when to use my empathy appropriately. Once the door gets slammed shut, it is too late. I like in the end where you explain for them to let us go because we will act like they don't exist because they don't. Healthy individuals heal, let go, and move on. Learn from the relationship and do better in another relationship. Make sure not to treat someone in the same fashion. They understand boundaries and honor boundaries if someone states that they want nothing to do with them. They don't try to force or manipulate a relationship. If I block someone it means that I am done and that I want nothing to do with them ever again. The fact that they can't honor my boundaries says everything. They are toxic, don't care about any feelings or views that I may have and are being very selfish, ie, no empathy. They cause trauma, I healed, and they want to cause more trauma? Uh, I do not have "Stockholm syndrome". The more they try, the more I want nothing to do with them. I am glad that you said that because some individuals just don't get it. One would think that this is common sense. Would they like it if it was doen to them? Of course not. Go figure? No means no. I learned at a young age that one shouldn't have to fight so hard for something and if one does, it isn't meant for them. Rejection is God's redirection, rejection is God's protection. Nothing is worth my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. My purpose for God is #1, so I have to maintain my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I can't sacrifice myself for them. My sacrifice is for God and his purpose, as I am his vessel. My sacrifice is not for them. I go where God guides me and I do his bidding. Whatever the situation calls for. God knows exactly what that is and I don't have to explain it to no one, as I only listen to God. Yes, they lose a lot when they lose me. However, that is a part of their #karma. People depend on me and I am not willing to give that up for anyone from my past that I have door slammed. I know my worth and what I bring to the table. Too bad.
Thank you sooo much for sharing!! I love this.
When you get to know someone, and you come to find out that the life they live, and the things they do go 100% against everything you believe in, spiritually, morally, etc., then there is literally no going back. EV-ER. I don’t care about their childhood, their upbringing, mental illness, their weakness against temptation, how remorseful they are, WHATEVER, it’s all excuses to me and I’m not interested in a person like that, even REMOTELY. The people I am interested in investing my time in have qualities that mesh with what I believe in. Occasionally they fall short of my admittedly sky-high expectations and under rare circumstances I can make allowances but it has to be worth it for me. Also, they can not be NEEDY. That is the most off-putting character trait I can think of. Have your sh*t together at a MINIMUM.
Thank you so much for sharing!! I agree completely, about them being needy. :S
I am also of the belief, if I doorslam you you’re dead to me. My only thing is is that if this person contact you what did they do to cause the doorslam jn the first place because clearly they Musta did something bad
Thanks for sharing!
I personally have never reversed a door slam. I have never regretted door slamming someone either because I repeatedly explain my boundaries and they repeatedly ignore me.
Yes!! Thanks for sharing. :)
I have a problem, once I door slammed, I throw away the key. I move on and there are other doors I can open
Good point, but also quite a lonely way to live, I have found. :)
@@BoomShikha lonely is what you make it to be
@Boom Shikha - while rare to reverse an INFJ door slam in my life at least it is incredibly easy to do. For someone to reverse one of my door slams all they have to do, and I mean seriously, all they have to do is: come correct, apologize and fucking mean it, and take steps to show me that they’re trying to make up for whatever the fuck it is that they did to cause me to walk away in the first place, and be sincere about it. That’s literally it, and I’m willing to clean the slate. I hate being mad at people, and I want people who’ve wronged me to have remorse so I forgive, and get over. But you know what, most are not willing to own their fuck ups. Not many are willing to actually do this. I’ve had it happen, only like twice.
***Edit: sorry I just noticed I had spelled your user name wrong, so I fixed it. My bad.***
Well said
@@Peaceforall20111 thanks bro. Being with me is soooooo easy, till people choose to make it hard. Feel me?
@@girl6girl6 I feel you totally, I got ya
Love this! Thanks for sharing! ❤️
@@BoomShikha I love your channel. I don’t usually chime in very often on your videos, people in the comments usually have already said what I was thinking, but I think I got in early on this one. Love your channel, keep up the good work.
By the time I've chosen to do this, I'm more than done. I do communicate if it's that important. I rarely use the door slam. There is no reversal.
Yup, that makes absolute sense. :)
Also boom, for this person to determine if they can reverse the door slam it’s going to be important to know what they did and the fact that they’re saying I just want them back not thinking about how to fix what they did tells me that that person got door slammed for a very good reason. Focusing on how they want that person back not focused on what they did to hurt that person 🤮
Yes! 😮😮
I reversed several door slams in the past 60+ years and I've regretted it every time. Ultimately the reverse door slam ended with another final door slam. Perhaps I needed to revisit the dynamics to convince myself that the issue(s) with that person aren't "fixable".
Makes absolutely sense!
I have a very sincere question here as an ISFP. We are known to be very sensitive types. Some places do type me as an INFJ or an INFP at times as my functions are pretty close to 50%. But im pretty sure I'm an ISFP.
Anyways. Do INFJ's genuinely stop to ponder that the person in front of them is a flesh and bone human. They might have a lot that they might be dealing with in their own lives and may not have shared just so as to not burden the other person. And when dealing with a lot of shit in their own lives they might get overwhelmed and make genuine mistakes. Something not necessarily done out of disrespect or out of taking the other person for granted (in fact quote the opposite maybe as literally happened with me when I apparently messed up while I was actually trying to make the other person feel understood and trying to reassure them that I'm by their side).
Its honestly a bit tiring how I'm observing that this type tends to put themselves up on a pedestal by themselves and then judge the living whatever out of the others. I mean people make mistakes and thats how they learn and thats how a relationship grows and develops over time. The best relationships are forged through a lifetime of learning. We are not born with a manual on others, not even ourselves sometimes. If that very opportunity to understand the other person is taken away from the then despite the best intentions there really is nothing to do.
I do hope more infjs look at the actual intentions of the people in front of them and not just go by an assumed interpretation of their actions. Because this way you do protect yourself from harm but you might lose a good meaning person from your life too and I'm sorry to say but that doesn't really demonstrate that you have any empathy for and value the connection with the other person whatsoever. Its all about you and how you feel. The other person and their feelings are just secondary.
Yes, we can be really terrible sometimes. I have done many videos on this. It's like we reach a limit with someone and then we are cruel AF. :S
🎶 "......All the burning bridges that have fallen after me.
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories.
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door.
Burning bridges lost forevermore." 🎶 🚪
--"Kelly's Heroes", 1970
~~Mike Curb Congregation
Yes, I believe that with the passage of time, old wounds may heal, door slams & burning bridges can possibly be reopened or rebuilt.
⚠️ We may forgive, but INFJ's do not forget ⚠️
🚶 I burn my bridges so that others may not follow 🌉🔥
🌌🔭
😍😍
@@BoomShikha I've always thought this song should be the INFJ National Anthem 🏴☠️
🌌🔭
I tend to get more tolerant as I get older , people who I would have stopped dealing with when I was younger I try now to see things from their perspective, often the reasons people do things are hidden from you , so to just cut someone off without trying to understand what's going on first is a bit shortsighted. The trouble with infj's is if they do decide to make a connection its normally after a lot of getting to know someone, and it's not generally a shallow thing, once they feel they can trust you and let you in it feels like a big commitment to them , so if that trust gets broken it affects them really deeply, so it's not surprising they can decide to break off all contact , it's just too painful after having opened themselves up in that way , and they feel let down. I do try now to not let things affect me so emotionally, but it's never an easy thing to do .
Yes I know what you mean! 💯 💯
Thanks♥️
You are so welcome! 💜
We that because we don't really understand ourselves and how we feel. So, sometimes doorslam comes into play as a way to rejuvenate and think over everything, and getting space can be the most crucial part though because we act according to how you behave. Before, when someone becomes dead to me then there's no go back from there. However, I've changed that over the years because I doorslamed my BFF over ten years ago and she eneded her life after a year of no contact. I doorslam now and just distance myself from people but not completely off.
Thanks for sharing! ❤️
What if i want them to reverse my doorslam ?
It's going to be hard! Give them space and maybe they will reverse it on their own eventually. 😅😅
rare to say that infjs tend to underestimate themselves with their own false void of past self restrictions, but, its safe to say that they need more than just self regulating their own personal wisdom
I agree with everything you've said, except our "rare tendency to underestimate ourselves". We do it all the time & are almost violently surprised when someone gives us great praises.
This is not rare. This is normal.
🌌🔭
@@scottmcintosh4397 oh that my friend is called self respect for INFJs
Thanks for sharing!
I’m a infp and my wife is a infj and she’s dope slammed me but I think she did once before so ,I didn’t do what she thinks I was dealing my own stuff and let her down ,I’m so sorry and I’ve tried to help but I lose my mind ,obvious it’s my nature to chase and hers to run but I can’t deal we got 25 years feel like soul mates
Oh man, I wish I could help you out. I'm sorry this happened to you. Maybe she will turn around and come back. Give her time, perhaps?
The eg that you talked about how if somebody got rude to somebody serving, it’s like a friendship/associate ick, right?
An associate, yes!
Rare yes coz a 🚪 slam is the ultimatum.
Yes, indeed!
im an ENFP (so not an INFJ lol) and I wonder where the idea of an INFJ doorslam (as commonly claimed in the typology/INFJ community, and by you) would stem from the idea of an INFJ theoretically? Like how does one explain (by functions or by letters, in your own understanding of it - I do not claim any particular way of interpreting MBTI theory as superiors), the source in the INFJ's theoretical psychic makeup that links to this particular behaviour in them? Are there any other types that doorslam, or are you only able to talk about INFJs that doorslam?
I'm sure other types doorslam as well, but INFJs do it more often and more consistently than other types. It's a common theme in their life. 😆😆
@@BoomShikha I'm just curious, maybe you could link to a video of yours, *why* do INFJs doorslam?
If you Google my name and door slam, a half dozen should show up.
yo 😀
Yo!
Yo !
The answer to the question in your title is no. I'm a 67 year old INFJ.
Thanks for sharing. :)