[EP136] To An INFJ, A Doorslammed Person Is Essentially Dead
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- čas přidán 12. 09. 2024
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Please pin my comment to help our fellow INFJ's!! It is very important they understand their needs.
This is so true! I wish I didn't doorslam people but I give people a lot of chances and eventually, I am just done. I really just wish I told them how I felt
Yeah, I know what you mean, but it can be hard. It's hard to have that conversation with a person. What do you really say? How can you say it without seeming like a crazy person?
Would they have understood? If they understood they were the problem to begin with we would never doorslam them. Sometimes I find I don't have any other options, because the person thinks with a "1+1=3 because I think the 2 looks like a 3, and I- Hey, is something bothering you? No, wait... help me understand." Mentality.
I want to deck them in the face, then sit down and try explaining myself again. ^_^
#INFJ Frustration!
Or... get this... you tell them how you feel and they dont care (they might say they do but thier actions speak otherwise)... I dont slam the door, I destroy the whole house, pick up the door, turn 180° and walk away.
I am not sure I see people I have door slammed as being "dead", however I will stop caring about them completely in an almost instant once it happens.
If I meet them on the street, I will not go out of my way to greet them, I will not contact them, I will not ask about them - any contact / exchange is going to have to be initiated by them, because I simply no longer care enough to do so. Why waste time and emotions on someone, who has shown they do not appreciate / reciprocate the effort I put into the relation between us?
To someone, who normally cares too much about everyone, not caring about them is somewhat akin to capital punishment though. You will at best become a ghost in my life, haunting my inner world with what could have been, if you had been a slightly different person.
Yes! I love how you put it. It is definitely akin to capital punishment, especially because when we care, we care sooooo much. Thank you for sharing!!
Come to think of it, do you have any thoughts on "emotional flashbacks" as a potential primary trigger for doorslamming ?
I've been thinking about this lately after a recent incident, where I felt very abandoned / mistreated by someone I considered a friend to a point where my immediate, unfiltered emotional response was "Welp, that's it, I'm done!".
Upon reflection on what I felt, I identified the emotions as almost exactly like the kind of distress / sorrow I felt as a child (guess in the 5-10 year range?), whenever my then-friends did something that I felt wronged me personally, made me feel really bad about myself or I felt I couldn't abide by (like being mean and nasty to other people).
So I'm kind of wondering whether the pattern of doorslamming is something the sensitive INFJ child just has a habit of developing to defend itself from emotional distress caused by less emotionally developed peers?
And we then carry that coping mechanism with us into adulthood, because it has proven useful to help us avoid the emotional trauma incurred by other people?
Personally I don't think doorslamming is a healthy coping mechanism and I'd really like to stop doing it or at least be more lenient about it - and knowing the cause might also pave the way to a potential "cure" or at least to some tools for dealing with it in a more healthy manner.
I don't think you should seek to completely get rid of it, but to use it more wisely. Door slams are a great tool for dealing with people who are beyond redemption and are weighing you down, after you have checked that by actually talking to them, not by having an imaginary conversation with them.
Thay was a good explanation.
Well said. I agree and disagree, because even if they try initiating conversation they are still dead in regards to my Ni. They don't fit into my Ni anymore, so even my Fe cannot reconcile them. According to my Ti they don't compute in my life anymore. But I understand what you are saying, speaking from the perspective of your Fe. They had better make a darn good attempt if they want back into my life, and they had better be prepared for a slow start on my end. Befriending an INFJ is not for the faint of heart; it is for the one with a heart so big they need poured into so that they can give back to us. That is love
I do the INFJ door slam very often. To ppl who have hurt me , used me, lied, etc. I did that to my ex when he broke up w/ me and told me cheated on me I blocked his # and his email adresss, and his social media pages. He had NO access to me whatso ever. I was hurt and that was my way of dealing with it. When I’m done I’m 100% done. I’ve been called a bitch/mean. But idc its the best way I think to protect my peace. For ppl who take advantage of my kindness. Also Boom Shika you’re really nice to keep them on your Facebook feed. I block them off my social media pages. I don’t want to see them on my new feed lol. It may be cold but oh well. I have many blocked #’s on my cell too, lol. I don’t play about protecting my soul.
Yes, I am done 100% when I am done, if I am done. I get called bitch a lot, too. But whatever!! Hahah. I love that you are so strong about it. We all need to learn from you.
Boom Shikha years of experience and heart breaks lol.
D M Long before I knew I was INFJ,.. took the test in college, didnt really take it for gospel,.. took again several reasons, several times, it kept coming up the same. Associated w the great C. J. I took larger interest & truly OMG! I realized I had done rhis several times on my life. Excruciating! Trials, hurts, betrayals warnings! Finally, I said buh bye. Boom! Magic! Hurt over! I think what was not emphasized enough(tho I like video) is all along most people would've said bye! Long ago!
I tbink w INFJ, it becomes survival! They (I know I did) try till I couldnt think of anything else? Then! Still kinda blamed myself for not finding 1 more thing! C mon! Its nuts! We are nutty enough!
If you got door slammed?
Its bc you're an emotional vampire!
If I keep going?
Im a masochist! The difference is door slam vs Bye.
Why? Cause you're dead! Lol
I am an infj that didn't grow up with healthy boundaries, so it was extremely hard for me to let people go if I really really loved them or addicted which is probably a better term. I admire you for being able to recognize abuse and shut it out before it infects your soul.
I know what you mean. I wasn't always like this. I was like you when I was younger, but little by little, I grew my boundaries. So don't worry. Take your time, and you will get there. :)
Due to gaslighting and other circumstances I came to the conclusion that all my familymembers should be slammed in order for me to be happy. They rather put me in a mental hospital than putting effort to understand me. They seem to enjoy to 'worry' about me so much, so they don't have to look at their selves. Familymembers only bring me down. So... Currently, I'm halfway there. When I'm moved over to another house, my whole family won't be abled to contact me or find me ever again. I've allready proven myself and others to be happier without them. So I need to complete this whole sacrifice.
Eventually I still need family, so it's up to me to create a brand new one. :)
"There is light in this world I fight for" - Gojira...
Love that quote, and thanks for sharing your story. :)
Ominous I just left a comment similar to yours! It’s been 20 years now since I Slammed every single family member and I’m happier!!
Well, not to burst your bubble of happiness. But as a person with ± same background issues , I think we carry to much scar to be able to dream of having the ideal family??... Maybe take a first step to heal first... I am arriving at conclusion that scared of my own darkside to turn like those whom hurted me when I am in certain situation that unintendedly triggered my dark side and cause another scarred and hurted people whom will repeat such an evil cycle....you know dark side and how fragile it is triggered when we are of a wounded soul. Ganbatte
I don't know if I am an INFJ or not, but I also have the tendency to cut away people from my life if I esteem they're ungrateful or toxic to me.
I don't see what's the point in continuing a relationship with someone if this person thinks of you as nothing but a mere object destined to get rid of the day they are sick of you. When I doorslam someone it means this person has crossed a line he shouldn't have never crossed. It means this person has betrayed the trust you placed unto them and it will be extremely hard, not to say utterly impossible, to repair this trust.
When the person is doorslammed, it's useless to precise they are utterly dead or meaningless. While they are not dead in this realm called reality, they are in my own dimension. I destroyed their existence within my own mind. If they'd die in reality, I will say something extremely cruel that might be choking, but I wouldn't feel anything not even the slightest bit of empathy. I used to be friend with someone who was the absolute archetype of the narcissistic pervert. After years of emotional abuse I took an extreme decision, knowing that he will never change and my relationship with the person in question will worsened my own mental health, I delated him from my life. He doesn't really exist to me. All the memories I had from him seems like an ephemeral memory as if everything we've been through together didn't even happen in reality.
Yeah, exactly!! The memories are ephemeral - I love how you say that. It's as if they never existed in our reality and they never were friends with us. Thanks for sharing your insight with us.
That's how I've always felt when I doorslammed all those people who were toxic to me. Ignoring their entire existence is a very efficient way to annihilate their malevolence. :)
Im 19 years old and i think i doorslamed 8 people in my life at least , and i think i was right doing it cause i felt my soul can't accepet their behavior anymore so my behavior is coming from my soul and it's bigger than my capability to resist but i agree with you we should informed them how we really feel !
Yes, it is definitely coming from our soul. That's why it matters so much. :)
I will be mature and tell them what is making me feel upset but if the warnings go unheard and the actions continue yes I will doorslam every so quietly and yes they are dead to me after. No anger no feelings just nothing but a past experience. I don’t ever walk away from a situation or relationship without first trying to come to a resolution but if all fails I’m out the door with zero regrets 🚪
Thanks for sharing!!
Unfortunately because of physical and emotional abuse-I’ve been door slamming since I was a kid. It’s a necessary evil. For me it’s a protective mechanism to prevent me from being hurt, being taken advantage of, and from wasting my energy. ✌️
Thank you for sharing!! And yes, if it is the protective mechanism that you need, it's absolutely great to keep on doing it. :)
Sweetheart do what you need to do to protect yourself. Best love and wishes from fellow doorslammer here❤❤
I can’t even count how many are dead to me. But that’s exactly how I describe it when someone asks “how’s so and so”? “I don’t know. They’re dead to me”.
Hahahaha! ❤❤❤
I just door slammed someone . Yes I agree it feels like they are dead to me.
Yup!
I'm an ENTP. My INFJ friend (or former friend) emailed me and told me bluntly that she could not be my friend and asked me never to contact her again. I'd read about the INFJ door slam and still was a little stunned to see it playing out before my eyes.
As an ENTP, I respect her straightforwardness and honesty; as someone who deeply cares about her, I will honor her request and despite my own pain right now I do not want to be in her life if it would cause her pain. Perhaps the most caring thing I can be is absent. That's the thing that I find most comforting about this: I can love my former friend by simply getting lost.
But while I do not question her honesty, there is little about her that seemed to me to be straightforward. In fact, as strange as this may sound, one of our points of conflict is that of the two of us she seemed to think that only she had the right to have and express feelings and seemed to be outraged that I could find what I saw as unfair criticism of me to be unfair and to tell her that. Oddly, the entire relationship seemed to me to be about her, which struck me as strange for a relationship with an alleged "empath."
Your video was quite helpful. I do not demand that she be like me and I do not believe that she is under any obligation to be comprehensible to me. I respect her feelings simply because she feels them, whatever my views on them might be. But I am left wondering why she was unwilling to be that straightforward and honest in helping me to understand concretely just what the rules were and how I was violating them as she was in being courteous enough to serve formal notice that I was being door slammed. I would have been very eager to learn but was left instead to read her mind, and I just don't have that talent.
I realize that I am an NT and she is an NF and that to her I lived in my head too much while I often couldn't pick up what she was laying down because her reactions didn't seem rational to me. But my questions to her, and to INFJs in general, are: 1) Is an INFJ ever wrong? 2) Does an INFJ have any responsibility to clearly communicate what is bugging them?
You guys don't have to be like me. But I wonder whether INFJs realize how disrespectful not only the door slam but their dismissal of the viewpoints of others can seem to us.
Of course INFJs are wrong! All the time. But if they are unhealthy, which your INFJ seemed to be, they make it all about themselves, and play the victim role really well. I am sorry you have to deal with this, but I am telling you all INFJs are not like this and you will definitely find one who can be a little more balanced and more empathic in that regard. We absolutely are terrible at communication and a lot of my videos are about that - asking INFJs to communicate their needs more clearly.
Dear,Sir.... Dunno what your friend and your problem but I think the right way to see this is without attaching the limit of this whole infj and entp trivia but rather to have a talk heart to heart as a human being... I don't think just a casual debate suppose to be a cause for quite a doorslam. For most people whom doing 'doorslam' or 'existence wiping' toward another person (regardless its MBTI) is bc of deep hurt and most of the time happens after giving chances be it several or thousands . And most of the doorslammed people having a same pattern of hurting us/ our very base person foundation principal.... So yeah if you've been friends for long time,again regardless of MBTI limit, you probably should consider to have a last talk? A good without judgement and prejudice talk ofc... Quite a speech from me whom is younger and very inexperienced if to be compared by age sir..... I don't mean to like giving advices or teaching or any disrespect though....and am sorry if it offense you. but I think friend to talk are supposed to be gems , and if another party doesn't appreciate your effort? Welp just doorslam the person back.... Doorslam isn't always like deliberately sending mail or notice towards the person..in my case...but rather we silently retreated and keep our boundary in safe between us and the other person at moderate level of contact,unless the person give us total harm we don't really need to make it very obvious that we cut relationship, at least in my case. :)
Still i feel like regardless of your MBTI doorslam/ limitinv people access to hurt us is a very wise decision for not just both party involved but rather for people around us and the opposite party.. it makes situation less awkward and keep mood good... I think that is suppose to be the purpose of 'doorslam' ,to minimalize hurting and being hurted
I legit have told people why i door slam them and then I do it. Eventually I'd rather them know the truth than for them to stalk me and try to find out the truth. The best and most efficient way for me so far is to be honest haha. I've only door slammed 3 people in my life, but in order to move on properly I say what I need to say and move on. I usually give it 3 to 5 meet ups but any more than that and I will completely stop talking to them. Forgiveness is important but putting boundaries where it needs to be is also important.
Boundaries is absolutely crucial, and I really appreciate the fact that you are able to have a conversation with them about it. I really need to be better at that. :S
Omg I literally was nodding when u said if ur an infj ur prob nodding right now..😂😂😂
Hahaha!
Door slamming is incredibly cold and inconsiderate. I got door slammed by someone who told me they couldn’t live without me, couldn’t sleep without me, I mean christ we talked about spending the rest of our lives together multiple times a day. How can you not live without someone and than be ok never seeing them??? No compassion, just cold like ice
Yes, I know. That's why I have done videos saying that I don't doorslam anymore. :S
That actually probably wasn’t a door slam Mknemati. You likely hooked up with a narcissist or sociopath and they “discarded“ you. Google or go to CZcams and look at videos on the signs of a narcissistic discard. The discard usually happens right after they profess their undying love for you or after taking you out for a wonderful evening or something romantic and then boom they’re gone and you have no idea what happened and they block you on everything.
A door slam is very different. When we door slam somebody it is someone who has abused us and belittled us and triangulated us and taken advantage of us over and over and over and we have cried and we have begged and we have pleaded with them for mercy and yet they have told us we are too sensitive and they have told us they were just kidding and they have told us that we are making things up in our head and that we are crazy or we are just perceiving things incorrectly and this abuse just goes on and on and on until finally one day a lightbulb goes off in our mind and our heart and then in a mere second and with zero warning even to ourselves, our warrior side kicks in and we can no longer pretend the cruelty is anything other than, utter cruelty and at that point, poof we are gone. INFJ’s make excuses for people who treat us badly “oh they just had a bad day” or “oh they’re getting a divorce” or “oh they just lost their job” and we let them treat us like dirt until one day something in us snaps and baffles even ourselves as we cut them off as if they never existed. It’s really pointless to try and sit down and have a conversation with a person who treats you badly because they’ll only argue and deny and divert. I have never door slammed someone who is treating me kindly and most people wouldn’t because there would be no reason. Door slam is a protection mechanism used to keep our heart from getting completely crushed by somebody’s cruel behavior which has gone too far. It’s a last straw event.
It’s a very surreal experience to have all that emotion of love and care and the desperate need for their validation leave one’s body so quickly we no longer care if they die. That’s a door slam. We don’t door slam people who treat us kindly or people who show us they love us ...you sadly likely hooked up with a narc and their favorite thing is to target kind people, shower them with affection, promises and gifts to hook you into the relationship and once you’re hooked they start treating you really bad and criticizing you then they apologize and tell you how much they love you. They do this over and over again and it’s fun for them...they enjoy the power and control they have over your emotions as they watch your life implode from being so distraught over their treatment of you and then like a cat playing with a mouse they get bored and they dump you, usually hours after telling you they love you so you’ll suffer maximum trauma and pain. They do this for fun and they do it with everyone. You were a target. Watch HG Tudor on CZcams❤️
Let's face it as INFJs we can attract some difficult people. They interest us. We may see possibilities for them that they haven't seen for themselves. We get close to people others may have stayed away from to begin with. I'm 59. I still doorslam but not as often. I reposition. I assign a new role to the person. I set new boundaries. But yes I agree we do not think about people we have eliminated and may not remember their name if we see them again. This can also happen with people we have NOT door slammed simply because we are future thinkers and the past is not given much thought unless it is relevant to some current project.
Yeah, I love how you say we are future thinkers!! Brilliant point.
I do admit, at the time before the door slam, we do a replay of all the events with the person and savor one last time the good moments. It's like letting go of that last bandage on a wound that finally healed
Thanks for sharing!
Ahaha 😂
I mean, I can’t ignore the fact that the people I’ve doorslammed are very much alive and existing, but in a sense I treat them as though they - themselves - have vanished.
I see them in the distance - I walk past (rapidly) and don’t make eye contact.
I see them in the street - I turn on my heel and walk away or yeet into the nearest building.
I hear them - I put my music on (loudly).
I see a notification on social media from them - I ignore.
I bump into their friends/family/acquaintances - I *do* (begrudgingly) ask after them in a vague manner (like in a “how is everyone?” Type of way, making sure not to mention specific names, so doorslammed person doesn’t get any ideas). I have nothing against the family or friends, so this isn’t as hard to deal with as they weren’t the ones who were doorslammed (in fact, based on experience, the family/friends have supported me in my decision to door-slam the person).
I bump into *them* specifically - I have no other choice but to be civil (damn empathy and politeness) but I’m kind of cold while I do it. I exchange pleasantries, ask how they are - and then run for the hills ASAP.
So not “dead” per-se, but I pretend they’ve been erased from my memories - just like I’ve tried to erase myself from their lives.
Yes! Very well said. 😍
This is so true in my case. For instance, I cannot stay in touch with my exes or just "be friends." I cut them off, I don't check to see what they are doing, and I erase them from my mind. People will ask me, "Aren't you curious about them or want to know what they are doing?" Nope!! I don't care at all about those things. Naturally, I'm an empathetic person, but when I'm done, I'm done completely and that person becomes invisible. I don't do it to be mean either.
Absolutely!!!
I door slammed every single person I am related to 20 years ago (I am way happier)!! I’m not going to put myself in an abuse situation for no reason, I can’t help if I’m different than everyone, also anyone who’s is connected to a particular person gets slammed too. It’s like a cancer that you have to cut off and any surrounding area as well so it won’t come back!🤣
Thanks for sharing. :)
I very rarely "door slam" because it is perminate. I try to resolve any differences logically and look at the problem from every angle. If I can't find a logical reason to keep that person in my life, then I uproot them like a cancer. There are some rare occasions that the offense is so great, hurricane Byron (my name) is unleashed and....well that person gets dressed down and I no longer acknowledge them. It's not a pleasant thing. I avoid doing it, unless I am forced to. Those moments take me days to recover from.
Great way of looking at things!! Thanks for sharing!
I doorslam in order to preserve my sanity and avoid being gaslighted. I told someone what I thought of them and I did tell them not to contact me anymore. It took me years to see the truth, but when I did, I slammed that door so hard it almost fell off of its hinges! Lol
Hahahha!
Yeah, it's so strange and so true!!! I doorslammed a few people (not sure how many, becuse, as you said, they really vanish from our memory... maybe about 10... maybe.) but one of them, the father of my daughters, is the weirdest one. I have to see him or talk to him once in a while, and it's so freaking odd. I feel zero. We were together for almost 20 years! And then, after lots of chances (too many to count), boom! :), doorslammed. Now, I see him, but I don't see him really. Kind of seing trough him, maybe? :)If somebody ask me what was he wearing, or what colour, or where was he looking at while we talk to each other, I don't know, didn't notice. This thing, the doorslamming, is a very powerfull thing in us. I can't just undo it or make it softer. Once it's done and there's no sign on the other side that makes us think things could become different, oh my god, they're just transparent people walking. It must hurt them, for sure, but there's nothing I can do about it. At least, I don't even hate them. So... that's not so bad :)
Yeah this is the case for me too all the people that i doorslamed i noticed that i didn't hate them at all i have neutral feelings to them
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. They are transparent to us. Dead. Non-existent. I don't even think about them ever again. It's the worst thing, really. :)
OMIGOD… I recently found out I’m an INFJ personality type. so, I’ve been watching videos. This is the first time I’m hearing about the “Doorslam.” This really resonated with me. I’m pretty well known for cutting people off “cold turkey” and not thinking twice about it. Which is quite a contrast from my very warm and empathetic nature. However, if you push me far enough then you are dead to me. It’s quite fascinating how I can go from one extreme to another.
Welcome to the dark side! 😂😂
Yep, agree. Whenever we door slam anyone that means they're dead.
Yup!! Absolutely.
I always say that it’s like they essentially cease to exist in my world. Also, I always feel like it was their choice not mine since I did give chances.
Yup!! It is definitely their choice, and yes, they are dead to us. They cease to exist in our minds, is a good way to put it. :)
I don’t give them any warning when I door slam and they shouldn’t be given any warning. Humans know how to treat other humans with basic reciprocity and courtesy and care and when they choose not to and repeatedly cross boundaries and behave cruel they deserve nothing except the door slammed right in their face! In time they’ll know when you leave what they did because they know they’re assholes!
🙌🙌🙌
Spot on! When I door slam (love the term) it's because a person I thought I was close to makes me feel betrayed in some way or treats me like a crap ball because they misunderstood a situation. When my marriage ended after 14 years that was it. He was dead and gone. I haven't spoken to him or cared what he does. After the split I was having a hard time working outside the home, being there for my kids and finding transportation to work. My oldest daughter (step daughter but raised her since she was 5) went into labor while I was at work, I missed it, felt horrible that I couldn't get there. Then my foe adopted mom(as in a friend I loved so much and admired I called mama) knowing I didn't have a ride decides I must not care and went and seen my grandson without offering me a ride, then made sure she told me how sad my daughter was I hadn't been there like I did it on purpose to be cruel. That was two years ago and I have nothing to say to her because it hurt to think she thought so poorly of me. If they think I am crap then that's my clue to not waste my time trying to prove I am good.
Yup. If they think we are crap, then what's the point of being around them? I mean, seriously. Thanks for sharing your story!
The caption kills me 😂😂😂😂😂. This is so true!!!
Hahaha! Thanks. :)
Yay! Another door slam video! I love these, I have door slammed one person in my life but I am still forced to live with them. It’s very difficult, especially since they don’t think anything has happened and my change in attitude as cold and hostile to more polite and ignoring them and just annoyed at them as our relationship getting back on track. I absolutely can’t stand that!!! I’m still learning how to deal with my very weird situation
Thank you so much for watching!!
In my case? I just override their existence if I need to stay in contact... Kinda like imaginating a pseudo-person or robot-like person (well which I don't expect much of course) and put a list of expectation what they can ,cannot do and list of what redflag theh hold that could cause me disadvantages and misfortunes ... And then voila treat them as if it is all bussiness :) keep the smile on ofc :) keep telling yourself to hang on they're not the erase existence ... Just overridden existence :'D
I related so much with this video, I can't stop laughing. I have been accused of holding grudges! But I don't at all, I actually forgive the person and let the situation go. It's not personal against them- they literally just don't exist to me anymore. Memory deleted. I think it's a great thing. It allows me not to harbor hate and resentment actually.
Thanks for sharing!
Very true. Very, very true.
I haven't had to doorslam often, but one time I did doorslam someone in high school and one of my teachers told me to be friends with her again and it was so frustrating, a forced friendship isn't a friendship.
Haha, luckily, I haven't had to doorslam since then; I keep my circle miniature and I can never imagine any of them needing a doorslam, so I don't think I'll need to again for a very long time, thank god.
Awesome stuff!! I'm glad for you that you don't have to doorslam people. For me, I meet at least 10-15 people a week!! Which means, a lot of them end up going on my not-to-contact list. :)
I began door slamming people more often lately, but I have done it as a child and a juvenile too. I guess it’s more frequent now, and it’s actually liberating. But I do wish I didn’t have to though.
I know. We do it because we need to, but we all wish we didn't have to. If people weren't so stupid about it, if they just got it. :)
I'm not sure that my door slams are as harsh as yours are. Where you mention walking past someone and not noticing them because they are dead to you; for me, it's more like they'll want to hang out and I'll be questioning: why?
Hahaha! Yes, I can be rather harsh, can't I? It's not like I am deliberately not noticing them, it's like my subconscious has altered reality to remove them from it. :) And that's true - when a doorslammed person keeps messaging me, I think to myself, how clueless are you, didn't you get the memo?
Well what to say? It happens naturally, like our logic play big role in deciding our interest towards this person. At first we maybe clinging to the person in whatever hope we have about them.... Then baam one day they did something that hurt your principal life foundation that you can't ignore. Unless the person has hurted us so bad... I don't think anyone will even go as far as this 'infj doorslam' or better called as 'existence wiping' phenomena... Like you put that person into another dimension that you can turn it off whenever you don't want them. So whether they live die exist or do what shit you no longer feel like they are of this world being anymore... Kinda like ghost? They don't even sums up to virus to be honest :/ i think it is a very harsh and cruel in a sense yet it is a very sensible way to not add another scar and make a devil cycle to make another person evil or bitter by your word... But well most of people we doorslamed doesn't even care enough to be hurt I think that' s why they're doorslammed in the first place
I have door slammed people. I disagree, though, that they are "essentially dead" to me. No way. I send them blessings and will continue to wish them well for the rest of my life. Being an INFJ does not make me cold and indifferent just because I was hurt by someone. Your "really important point" is simply not true for me. INFJs can be present to compassion even when they are hurting; I think most are able to be present to what is best. A person doesn't die for me. I take them out of my life for my well-being, but I still wish them well. Please rethink your word choice. They may not be in my life, but they are still alive to me.
Thank you so much! Every INFJ is different in this regard and that's a good thing. :) It would be so boring if we all thought the same way. :)
When I give someone a doorslam, the person is dead AND his/her whole entourage is dead too.... I doorslammed my oldest sister in law, the younger SIL who is very loyal to her is dead for me as well cos you can't expect someone to be totally on your side when she still has contact with "the enemy" .
That's interesting!! I have never thought about it that way - doorslamming the entire clan.
@@BoomShikha I guess I'm an evil INFJ:-) I even make my children cut off all contact with them;
Door slam yes! But I don't think it is any way to protect them or with any thought of how they would feel. I do it 100% for me to protect me. 0% thought of them.
Makes absolute sense!
Believe me Doorslamming is Bad , Try to avoid it.
It's Hard , it's possible.
I just want to share few lines from song of my favorite band "Coldplay"
"you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk"
I hope you got my point. 😊
Thanks Shikha..
Beautiful share! I love Coldplay! And I'm so glad you said what you said. Thank you for teaching us to be better INFJs. #INFJsUnite
To add to your comments, quoting and expounding on your thoughts while sharing my own, bith in perspective and understanding:
When you as a person no longer fit i to an INFJ's Ni (Introverted Intuition) you are dead to them. As the primary cognitive function they cannot percieve you as being part of their life anymore, even if their sub-primary function Fe (Extroverted Feeling) makes them want to compromise and reconcile; Their Fe suppliments their Ni, which is how they percieve information, while Ti (Introverted Thinking) and Se (Extriverted Sensing) deal with thinking about and understanding the information given them in life. This means when the INFJ reaches the conclusion with their Ni and Ti their emotions are nearly nonexistant regarding reality: The person is no longer a part of their life. This can happen nearly overnight, which is what sets the INFJ Door slam apart from any other personality type. However, their compassion and Fe still leads them to want to be gentle, unless the INFJ rationalizes it is easier not to give the person any leniency in regards to our Fe. This can lead us to be warm and friedly one moment and then cold and distant the next, sometimes in a matter of seconds. This is a direct result of the iNFJ giving the other person a generous amount of chances and they kind of betrayed all of them; they are not giving as much as the iNFJ is giving them. In return for our seed we get thorns and thistles. To our disgust you are then dead to us. "Why are you so angry and mean now? You're so cold. Geez, get over yourself." Is the normal response. (Idiots. Even children never act without a reason. Learn to analyze the situation better.)
The interesting part about this for an INFJ is the person is literally dead in the mind of an iNFJ, not dead to us, dead. They don't exist. In my case there have been times I saw someone in my facebook news feed and I remembered, "oh yeah! That person is still alive." This is why INFJ's don't take death hard. It is a reality to us because (metaphorically speaking) people die to us all the time. As hard as this sounds that door slammed person can walk past us and we will remember that person's face. They literally don't exist in our mind anymore. They don't fit in our Ni, and we have so much information coming in to us we can forget eliminated information. (Sorry to detail this so intricately. I'm sure this is shocking to some people. Better you know)
This is why we feel and seem like robots, and like we are emotionally dead sometimes; "personality? What is that? Is it something that can be analyzed?" Note however that this is just a phase in our Ti. When we actively engage our Se we find ourselves again, and the "I am stuck in my head! Someone save me from this torment!" Cry inside of ourselves is freed. We have peace. IT IS IMPERITIVE THE INFJ ACTIVELY ENGAGES THEIR SE TO RECENTER THEMSELVES AS THEY ORGANIZE THE INFORMATION THEY TAKE IN! Otherwise it can feel like we are losing our emotions in a sea of thoughts. PLEASE PIN THIS COMMENT TO TEACH OUR FELLOW INFJ'S!!!!!!!!!! BOOM SHAKHA!
Yes!! I absolutely agree with this. Very well said!
@@BoomShikha thank you. You, your kindness, warm and welcoming demanor and hospitality on your channel are what inspired me to share my heart. I am so happy you feel encouraged and understood Boom. It makes my day knowing it has changed yours, for the better. ^_^ Thank you for being you!!
yes door slam i have done it and it doesn't feel very good aferterwards .....................;;this is partly our fault when we stay in a relationship tooooooooo long hoping things are going to get better and so when we are exhausted it happens.............and yes there is no turning back but i am waiting for the next relationship not to wait until there is no hope(if that's the case) i am also aware not to get involved with a narcississt............;we attract them like a moth to a flame!!
Yup!
Thanks for your wonderful explanation....truly this is how the story goes with the INFJ....no look8ng back one's the door is slammed...kindly keep up the good work....i have subscribed to your channel and eagerly await more of this kind of stuff.
Thank you for watching!!
I am working on my boundaries, right now there kinda week so I have door slammed people and then let them back in my life witch leads to me getting mad at myself for not sticking to my guns. I really need to door slam my mom but I keep giving in and calling her even though I don't wont her toxic shit in my life.
Yeah, mothers are a hard one, aren't they? It's hard to doorslam family. I haven't done that yet, and I don't need to. My family's pretty great. :)
Hi. I am sorry you are going through this. I door-slammed my Mom about 4-5 years ago. It was SO HARD, but looking back...I wish I had done it sooner. She is a Narcissist. They never change. By letting go, it has allowed me a ton of space. I feel SO FREE! OMG. Listen to your gut. Don't be afraid to door slam because we need to take care of ourselves first! :)
Essentially they don't even exist until we see them again , and next second we rewrite them as inexistence..again :D
And well they won't believe you, when you say 'i don't do that deliberately' lol when you explained it with happy face maam....
But yeah it is one of our most greatest gift I guess and it helped us so so much and everytime we reminded of these gift we just can't help it but feel happy blessed with an ability of wipe shit-jerk-ass that hurt us and feel no venge no sad nor happy of this existence and wipe them off and keep doing our goals instead... Such a fulfilling moment
Yup! I know what you mean. 😁
That's sad, but it's true. I don't even know how many people I've doorslammed at, just can't remember them to count. I think that when we can count them, we're in the process of it.
At the moment I'm doorslamming a person and I know I'm in the middle of the process because I can remember him and I know that I don't wanna talk to him anymore and still remember what he did.
Yeah, I've doorslammed many as well. And I haven't really doorslammed someone in a while, but I know what you are going through. :)
Doorslammed simply means that these people no longer have the power to hurt, physically or mentally... Powefull...
Brilliantly put!! I so agree.
I door slam toxic people and am not sorry for it.
Awesome!!!
When you said that Infjs can be cold like Pacific Ocean or Atlantic ocean,it made me laugh so hard don't know why lol but you are so funny,love all your videos. Lots of love from India ❤️😇
Awww, thank you... :) You are too sweet.
a lot of people would say that a letter is a good option to make a clear cut.
That's very true. I have never tried it. Have you?
@@BoomShikha wrote it and will give it tomorrow. already feel so much better :) it sucks to let people in the dark even when they did. they should see that we are different then them (narcisstistic people)
Oh ya this is an awesome video and I completely agree with you. As far as door slamming I just go (NO CONTACT) with the person😊😊😊😊 wich for me is the easiest way to do it😊😊😊😊
Thank you for watching!!! Yes, I go no contact with the person as well, because it's so much easier, and I just don't want to deal with their energy anymore. :)
Good video. I do think about the people though especially if it ended as a conflict. They are not eliminated from my memory, I just do not contact anymore.
Makes sense!!
haha. def easier to just doorslam then tell them, but i did tell one kid, you are shunned. you can't return to my house ever again. because he was disloyal to my kid and brought 3 bullies to the door who were picking on him. and this kid was his best friend. so i had to let this kid KNOW! you dont mess with my cubs. he's the only one i ever actually said anything directly to about getting banished.
Wow!! I love that you are so vocal about protecting your cubs. I would be exactly the same. :)
**Thinks about door slamming someone**
Hehehhe. :)
I won't use the word "dead"though... I don't want to kill people off, even if its only in my head, but after I door slammed a particular person(s), they ceased to exist. I won't hold a grudge,I won't stay mad at them, I won't think of them, I don't want to have anything to do with them, I don't even want to remember them... they're practically ceased to exist in my life. Deleted.
But I only do that after I've given the chances... quite a few chances, until I hurt so bad I can't take it anymore... only then, I do the ultimate door slam.
Yes!! They cease to exist. 😱😱😱
I door slam the mess outta people. The latest victim was my own brother. We haven't spoken in months. I have gotten better though. I'll try to let people back in but only after they've shown remorse. Other than that your dead to me your dead period. People can say your name and I'll grieve you just the same. The reason being is that I give chance after chance after I've told them hey I don't like this or that and boom thru do it again cause they wasn't a believer so I called their bluff. And now they have died due to their own rope
Yeah, I wonder why people think we are bluffing when we give them repeated warnings. :S It doesn't make any sense to me.
Damn only 20, ive doorslammed 100s of people, i wouldnt even know the exact number,
Hahahaha! :)
hi, oh, yes I do it quietly, better not to say a words which will hurt them, they should ask them self, why it happened, or come to me and ask, so I will explain to them, if they don't bother to ask me, winch means they don't give me a same, so do I. Simply is that. Dead for ever.
Thanks for sharing!!
I DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY BUT I SEE ANOTHER INFJ THAT I HAVE ALOT IN COMMON WITH LIKE BOOM SHIKHA & THEN I HAVE TO LAUGH AT MYSELF BUT IT'S TRUE. YOU'RE BORN WITH YOUR PERSONALITY. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN CHANGE IT.😜✌😇👑👣👏🙏☝🙌💞💜💎😍😉👑✌PTIJMN Sorry for the caps. This is from my post. God bless you & prayers over you IJMN
You are welcome!!
So if someone you've door slammed texts you, would you text them back??
Hmm, I hate ignoring texts. Because I know how that feels. So I don't think I would ignore them. But that's just me. Other INFJs might be tougher. 🤗🤗🤗
depends ill answer professionally. dry.
Well, door slamming is not very easy for me actually. May be I did door slam a few people in my past. But now a days, especially with very close people, I tend to give a lot of chances. Yes, it frustrates me to a great extent when they repeat the same mistake.. Worst case I just avoid situations, topics that would relate to topics which piss me off. May be I just reduce the conversation or interaction but its very difficult to slam close friends and generally people I have been kind to. I did to that in the past, I was rather stone hearted all of a sudden for few people probably, but in the recent years things have been different. I just started to accept who I am and who the people are around me..... But thanks for the video, it brought a few beautiful memories..... I am open to feed backs too.
Thank you for watching.. I am so glad that you are not doorslamming, I wish I didn't. I feel like it can be a cruel practice. :)
Do infjs become infjs over several lifetimes or were they always naturally infjs?
Such a great question!!! I love this thread. So yeah, I think I was very similar when I was a child, but I do think that I had lifetimes when I was really young, and stupid. And as time went on, I became more INFJ. But let me add this to the list of videos, and I will talk about it further. Thanks again for the idea. :)
Only one……my dad.
A bit indifferent towards mum.
Soon to add exgf to the list. She keeps harrassing me even 20 years after the fact
Thanks for sharing! ❤️
Yes, they are Dead to me, The absolute worse is when it is family, especially your child,,,,,It is self preservation when the one who you love so Deeply is disloyal and betrays everything' the narcissist with borderline personality disorder is Deadly!
Thank you for sharing! ❤❤❤
Haha I have only truly dorslamed 2 people in my life. Most of the time I just stop giving them my time. And they forget about me. The people who I have doorslammed dont exsist and I have removed al ways they can communicate to me. That's is the key if you can still message me then chances are I am annoyed with your behavior or I am getting ready to doorslam you. Because once I do there is no way for the person to contact me period. Great video by the way.
Such an interesting thing! So there's no way for them to contact you ever again... I love that. Makes things much easier. :) Thank you for watching, and commenting.
That is true And once I do that I am no longer interested how they're doing even if they are now richer,happier, or nice people they're no longer connected to my present life no matter how good we were before as friends once they've hurt me and abuse my kindness then thats the end of everything
Absolutely!!
Hi boom Shikha ❤️ I hope you and all the watchers are having a very good day 😊
Getting to the point, my doorslaming is somehow different. I enjoy understanding my former friend is feeling bad 😅 so I basically don't think they are dead, but I have good time whenever they look to some other direction avoiding my penetrating stare, which I fake not to look at them.
And, first and foremost, before slamming that door I just show them how strong is my personality and how shallow is theirs 😎😏 I was not like this at the beginning but lately I have been feeling the urge to express my ideas to my close friends so they won't debate about "I didn't even know that could hurt you" sort of stupid explanation.
Do you know if that's still INFJ ish?
Interesting. Yeah, I think that's a very healthy INFJ way of expressing yourself. Instead of doorslamming, we actually try to have a conversation. :) I love that they actually say that they thought they couldn't hurt you?? :P
@@BoomShikha they were hurting me but try to fool me. Some of those asked me to be forgiven multiple to limes even though they know I give it only 2 times: at the third you're out.
By the way I found out I am infj tending to intp and, moreover, a enneagramm type 6.
I am pretty sure all of this makes sense.
🙄
FACTS!!!!
Thanks for watching. :)
Does it make less infj if one opens the door slam?
.. Like after years of disconnected.. Opening the door but yeah we have tons of layer.. We only allow them to enter the specific room.. ✌🏻
Nah!! I have been doing that recently and I'm still an INFJ. :)
Not really , i think doorslam is more like you know 'wiping existence' until the person change to be better or showing sign needing our help to change better.... Practically, door is closed when both of sides having none to keep it through , so if one of you work it ,good chance it will stay half open? Kinda like that :D though ofc the next time we let them in it never be the same way it was
nod nod. Just another defense mechanism for us.
Yes!! Exactly. A great beast of a defence mechanism. :)
i take them off social media out of sight out of mind
Good plan.
They have to do something to deserve it but it's true lol. She's funny. Much love & prayers IJMN
Thank you!!
how long is that list again ? lol !! reaLLY ? :)
Hahha!! Long!! :)
This so true!! I think I doorslammed two persons or more ...
But Boom I need your help and opinion about something so strange I feel !! it's about my ex, he cheated on me more than I can count and I've doorslammed him for 5 years and still and I really hate him, considers him dead, but sometimes I feel that I miss him , love him soo much and want to see him but when I think seriously I decide that he isn't suitable for me at all and we will never be happy together and remember how much he've hurted me:'(
I can't handle this contradiction !!
But Boom I'm sure that I've doorslammed him!! But I feel that strange feeling sometimes when I see him (not every time, it's rare but it happens !!)
He is a relative so I see him regularly in family gathering
That might be the issue, Sondos. It's because you can't stop seeing him. For me, once I doorslam someone, I don't see them at all, ever again. So they are dead to me. And it's not a bad thing that you feel for him, I mean, he was an important part of your life once, it's alright to still like him. We are not trying to be inhuman here or robots. It's alright to feel. Don't let that make you feel bad. :)
Boom Shikha thanks it really helps me ♡! I was thinking that I'm a doormat!
I'm glad I could help. xx
Good analysis! Thanks for your kind comment it have made me feel good :)
i am 14 and have doorslammed at least 15 people that i unfortunately go to school with soi can not avoid them
Ooooh, that's a lot of people!! I can imagine that it's hard going to school with them. :S I feel for you.
Boom Shikha only when i have to communivate with em but it is a school so i can understand it.i have suggestion.u should do a vid about infj rage and anger or at least how it looks like when an infj is mad.and people never made me truky angry or they would be dead by now
Yes, someone else has asked about INFJ rage or anger. I'll definitely do a video on that. Thank you!!
You're 34??😱😱
OMG I thought you were in your early twenties😱
Thank you! I'm 37 now. This video is 3 years old. :)
I totally agree 😂😅
😁😁😁
more like I nothing you, like they are non existent creatures like part of the childhood imagination that you forgot about when you grew up.
Thanks for sharing! :)
It seems like this is funny to you. This is no funny matter for the person on the receiving end. If you give someone your absolute all, make sacrifices for them, build a union, bond, and than amazing love only to be door slammed without any closure, to be “dead” to the person. Do you realize people on the receiving end sometimes never get better? Do you realize people commit suicide over the person who was their lover and best friend and now is someone who pretends like the never existed? It’s not funny my experience made me want to self harm
Yes! That's why I don't doorslam anymore! It's too cruel. 😭😭😭
Welp ,it is called coping mechanism,sadly for you despite all the trend as if doorslam is exclusive to infj, truth is everybody is able to do it , and it is a coping mechanism bc you/the person that is wiped out probably has/had done something that hurt the person, whom cut you ,very much . Especially if that person ever hold you of a very great value.... But actually in your case.... I think it is just romantic issues ,not to belittle your pain, but sometimes love is gone.... And the other party probably is ghosting you , not doorslam you.... The difference? Well quite a lot in my opinion... Im kinda sure you're being ghosted rather than doorslammed.....maybe cause your ex feel too complicated and unable to do a closure might be bc of guilt??? Im not quite sure but it does happen ,theg just want to skip hurting you though they ended up doing the opposite..... But yep suggest you just move on if the person really be as irresponsible as not appreciate your feeling... As I mentioned MBTI doesn't limit your psychology reaction or thinking way... It is more like MBTI is to simplify how to recognize a pattern so.. well don't be too firm of using MBTI to decide or justify an action... Just he/she is having INFJ result as MBTI ,that doesn't make him/her a saint -_- ....just be sure to ask with composure without emotion and negative emotion which will makes the opposite party shudder and not the excited reaction it will makes them afraid to make you more unable to move on , without prejudice , start with a very calm talk from start to end, and just ask for reasons why and several key question you need as honest and sincere as possible... If the person treats you badly... Just know he/she isn't worthy enough of your feeling investment and there'll be other willing of your services, so don't waste time and energy world is vast enough. ± 7billions people in the world , and each of us is different... So why bother limit yourself with MBTI.... Need closure ask it, your ex don't give it? Heal yourself.... Self development, excercise , do a new project? Learn new language? Gardening? Cleaning? Life is more than just romantic accomplishment.... If I should say we have been brainwashed to think that we should love rather than assessing what our real feeling actually is... This all speech might sound as if arrogant / overbearing or such... But by all mean I mean no harm... Just you know life is hard enough and many people will probably appreciate you so don't stuck with those whom don't see your value.... And if you're insecure , it will be harder to see the objective of your true goals so yep if you're insecure of any parts of you... Take time to reflect honestly , talk to your own , and start level up that part you think is not enough.. peace :) have a nice day
Atleast one person per year
Interesting!! That's not a lot, I think. Right?
Boom Shikha thats over 30 years. Been slamming doors from birth. Lol
Hahah!! Makes sense! :)
❤️🩹
Thanks for watching!