INFJs are cold.
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 16. 02. 2018
- Why those warm and fuzzy INFJ types can be very cold sometimes.
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Frank James do u know any INFJ dating site?i keep attracting narcissist...đ
Frank James
Thank you so much for your videos. I first discovered I was an infj a long time ago and didnât really think much too it then after questioning life and my identity and what the duck I was doing I did more reading and research and still didnât really act on my abilities. Your videos are so helpful and inspiring. It so good how you deliver them honestly and openly it makes me feel like I havenât before. Itâs a blessing and a curse being an infj. Youâve made such a difference to my life and Iâm going to make some changes! Thank you. Ps I love that youâre now doing book reviews. I will seek those ones out. Thanks again man it really is worthwhile what youâre doing.
I adore you very much, thank you for sharing so much it helps me to think about so many important things. It helps me to love and accept myself more for the way I am.â€ïžI find your depth refreshing, I enjoy your humor too.đ
INFJ's are one of the hardest of all types to type. ( the rest of this comment is beneath this one, not enough room) The reason for this is because of their ability to blend in with the environment they are in at any given time. This is achieved via their auxiliary function of Fe, which I will call their chameleon function. Astrologically speaking, this Fe function of theirs corresponds to object-oriented Pisces, which would be the latter half of that zodiac sign.
Typically, how this manifests is that an INFJ will be hard to notice. They are hard to see. You could be talking with one and have no idea that you are talking to a person of this type. Because of their chameleon quality, they will embody whatever their delicate gyroscope tells them to embody at any given time. INFJs have a tendency to balance out interactions such that if the person they are talking to is too active, they will take a passive role. If the person they are talking to is too passive, they will take the active role. Like the tides, they constantly shift. Their personalities are difficult to peg down. They instinctively resist categorization and so if they sense that they have been carrying on in one mode for too long, they will change it to something else.
Now, this is all true as regards the INFJâs outer mode of presentation. You will have little idea that this person you are standing next to and perhaps holding a conversation with, is one of the most awe-inspiring and creative geniuses you could perhaps chance to meet. You will not necessarily have an inkling of this until you have glimpsed the INFJ in their natural environment where they rule supreme. Read some of their writings sometimes, if you have a chance, which you likely wonât, as INFJs are pretty secretive.
There is a place in every INFJ where they are so removed from this world and its petty miseries, that what you are actually seeing in many of them is a husk of sorts, it is not their true self. Their true self is mostly discovered through their literary or artistic productions. When you get your hands on these, then you will be seeing the true person, and these are some inspired and burning spirits once you see past their ruse of being gently invisible.
You see, INFJs donât want to be discovered, or at least, they are highly ambivalent about it. They will tack and shift, and throw you off the scent. They are saying, âI dare you to discover me.â They do this because they are very sensitive to being misunderstood. They cannot bear distorted meanings, which is why their works are often concealed from profane eyes and ears. Yes, the whole INFJ existence is bound up in hiding and concealing their true nature. They will reveal it at pivotal moments when they sense the timing and circumstances are right, but they may never reveal it as much as they would like to, or as much as others would like them to, once they get a taste of the true INFJ nature.
INFJs are in high demand and yet they are often ignored by those that demand them so much. But, until these people that want the INFJ to manifest their true nature can see the INFJ as they are standing there in their shroud, the INFJ will stay concealed. They want to be discovered but they expect you to do the footwork.
Yes, many INFJs, whether they care to admit it or not, see themselves as special people. They know they are rare and they know they have very unique things to offer. The thing is they cannot often find a reason or motivation for offering them. It is very frustrating to them and it often takes an extreme crisis of one sort or another to get them past this inertia to manifest. They are instinctively nice people and very much hate to have to hurt other peopleâs feelings. However, they will do so if they feel it is the only way to preserve the true meaning of a situation. INFJs will not lie to themselves. They will lie to others if need be, but to them, that is all on the outer plane, which has no great significance to them. It is a matter of expediency and self-protection. They are protecting the self that they have been painstakingly building up since they were young. To them, the self is the most sacred thing imaginable.
INFJs are extremely self-centered, though no one around them may have any idea of this unless they get into some kind of long-term relationship with them. INFJs present as if they were the most sensitive and understanding creatures on godâs green earth, nodding in sympathy with you, making it all about you. You might feel upon meeting one of these melancholic creatures that you have never been so understood and soothed as you were upon talking to them. They make it all about you. They want to know everything about you. They seem so promising as people. âWho is this angel from heaven?â, you might be thinking.
But, this is all pretext with an INFJ. It is not as if they are doing this to be calculating. At the moment, they are genuinely interested in you, and maybe even for quite a while, they will continue to be interested. But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves. INFJs seem like some of the most promising people to be in a relationship with, but in practice, they are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship. An INFJ is, in essence, a solo type of person. Surface appearances will fool you, but that is the general truth about them, especially the men of this type.
An INFJ is usually married to their art or philosophy or whatever their ideal happens to be. They are married to their muse, which usually doesnât take physical form in the aspect of a flesh-and-blood person. If they decide that you are their muse, then God helps you. You better grow wings and speak Angeles. INFJs are very unforgiving of faults in their lovers or spouses. They will make life hell for their beloved, and yet it all began under the pretext of heaven.
It is very hard for the INFJ to know how this came about. They had the best and most shining of intentions. But, you are dealing with a hard-edged romantic here and it is very difficult for people to live up to their ideal of a perfect relationship. What is more, it is very hard for them to live up to their ideal of a perfect relationship, and they will pull all of hell down on themselves and their supposed beloved in self-punishment for their supposed sins. This is all due to Fi in the id. I talk about Fi in INFJs in another article. Since long-term relationships fall within the purview of Fi, and Fi is a dark and undermining function for INFJs, this is what generally happens over time for an INFJ in a relationship.
Now, if you want to have a fling with them, then they are like heavenâs little children in this regard. They make great lovers in relationships which last around 3-6 months. O, you will have so much fun with them if you keep it brief.
INFJs are tortured in one way or another by their longing for the perfect relationship of soulmates and the alternating desire to be dedicated to an art or mission of some sort. In short, they are tortured by whether and when they will find their soulmate and their opposing desire to be monks in one form or another. If they find a person that is their soulmate then they will go into monk mode and eventually alienate them. Once they have alienated this person, then they will switch out of monk mode and back into soulmate mode when their self-imposed cloister is too much for them to bear. If they were INTJs, this wouldnât be as much a problem. INTJs can be monks or isolated philosophers on remote mountaintops in a more or less perpetual fashion. But, INFJs are people that need people in one way or another. This is because of the Fe that I mentioned earlier. They need people, yet they need solitude, and these alternate back and forth in a rather irritating fashion for them.
Here is what they need to do:
Realize that most people are flawed and very human in one way or another.
The women will try to embody the angelic side of the type and the men will seek the angel in other women. Note to both of them: Angels have transcended human existence and for the most part, donât embody in human form. That just leaves you with flesh-and-blood creatures that go by the name of humans, or for the more scientifically-inclined, homo sapiens. These creatures shit, piss, cheat, hate, have bloody periods, and so on and so forth. The men will often pick some tragic woman that is a hooker or something like that and try to save her because they see the good in her.
If you want to help someone then donât get into a relationship with them. If you really want to help, then establish boundaries at the outset. If you are a man, say to yourself, âI feel for this poor soul, but Iâm not going to help them by getting into a sexual/romantic relationship with them where the chances of me hurting them are much greater than me helping them due to my propensity to punish the beloved for not living up to her full potential as determined by me.â You see how selfish that is, right?
If you want to help your fellow humans, then get a degree in psychology or become a writer. Essentially, become something which doesnât involve a long and protracted foray into a relationship with you.
Have many relationships that are not soulmate ones. Network. Come out of hiding. Stop waiting for the soulmate that you will trap and take into your secret lair.
Express your damn self. By this, I mean through writing, composing, painting, journaling, dancing, and not through running your tongue over some poor whoreâs body. You will only confuse her (talking to the guys).
INFJ women. Stop acting like angels or aliens from another planet. Put away your promising eyes. O, never mind, carry on.
INFJ FUNCTION ANALYSIS
Introversion:
The hermit, the monk, the remote philosopher, the self-absorbed artist. Notice how these are all things that require not being around other people. Yes, well, INFJs will insist on the virtues of their solitude. That is until they realize that they have run out of inspiration and need to get into some dramatic and tragic relationship in order to acquire more material for their deep researches into the human condition.
Introverted Intuition:
Prepare to be amazed and amazed and dazed and stunned beyond your ability to endure. Yes, INFJs are magic and Ni is responsible. To see into the heart of any matter or being. To know without knowing how you know. To be inspired to the heights of heaven. To see heaven in a wildflower and eternity in an hour. To not know how to do dishes. To ignore all manner of domestic phenomena. To let the world about you crumble back to the dust from whence it came. Yes, all this is the wonder of INFJ introverted intuition.
Extraverted Feeling:
To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types. This function also helps INFJs put on the array of masks that will help them disguise their true motive, which is to devour the beloved. However, if they choose to use this function in the service of art, literature, psychology, and the like, they are godâs gift to a suffering and impoverished humanity.
Introverted Thinking:
Yes, I know there is no T in INFJ. Nonetheless, it is very important to INFJs. See how much they love Ti and pull towards its crystal visions any chance they get. Aah, where all is pure and unsullied. Where all is heights and laughter. Where there are no mortal troubles and all phenomena can be categorized and put into a pure and closed system. Watch INFJs fool you into thinking they are an Intuitive Thinking type. And many of them almost are. But, woe betides the INFJ who gets locked into the Tertiary Temptation loop, thereby bypassing their Fe auxiliary function. Rare suffering is in store for them. O, how you were promised heaven, and given hell. Nonetheless, what a ride.
Judgment:
Woe betides those who donât listen to the INFJâs subtle conclusions and pronouncements about all manner of varying phenomena. Now it is they who are in for rare suffering. INFJs are right about 95% of the time when it comes to what other people are thinking, feeling, and likely to do in the future. So, yeah, you might want to listen to them in this regard.
Written by Stellar Maze 'The INFJ Whisperer"
I used to say "I'm everybody's best friend but who is my best friend."
True this!
This was me forever until I found my 3 bestfriends. :) one of them is an INFJ-A just like me. Best. Person. Ever.
Eric Vosseller me too man
Same until I found mine, they were four who were INTJ, ENFP, INFP and an ISFP, being an INFJ I really feel like we are in a whole different spectrum but same, I love it
yep
That's why Narcissists love us...and why having a cold side comes in handy, cause when were done, were done. I can ghost better than a ghost.
oh yes, narcissists love usssssss. I've only just realized this. I realized how i was always walking on tip toes, afraid to hurt their feelings, being super supportive, being considerate, meanwhile they never gave two shits how the things they said and did affected me and whenever i was upset or acted the slightest bit different they would make it all about them and even accused me of playing victim. Well i am cold now, and i'm over giving a damn about the feelings of ppl who don't give a damn about mine.
So facts still going strong and she wants me back
Max Tanner A true narc would never consider being one....just saying...
Carrie S what?
@@maxtanner2202 I dont know that I u understood your statement...lol
"You give all of yourself and get nothing back" I felt understood right now let's take a moment and appreciate that
Omg. I'm in the middle of the vid. And just read this comment. And it's too relatable like all I want from Someone is to treat me as much as I do to them I guess. Like i give my whole attention when they speak, when you just get distracted in the middle of what I'm saying, it's as if what im saying is not that important, I dont ever do such things. When ppl do so I just say "ha ha forgot what I was saying" or "cant remember". Idk. That just hurts.
I think we INFJs can hurt someone's feelings so hard if we want,bcz we know exactly what can hurt them the most,I realised it recently,
Yes an INFJ did this to me and I almost committed suicide
@@Diplexsy đŻđ
trueee
@@Diplexsy r you good man....?
@@rondomcommenta I am well friend trying to survive day by day
I feel sad when other people dont even bother to know how i feel while i try to understand everyone...
Very true my friend. We go out of our way to make them feel good and in return they make us feel like we don't exist. We just give, give, and give and get nothing in return. Ive tried to be cold and be less sensitive to other peoples needs, but have been unsuccessful so far. Being an empath is what i am, thats my true self and if i let that go, i will be just like anybody else.
Exacly
I feel this aswell. Just once I would like someone just to ask âhow are you really goingâ? âWhat is really going onâ?
Dark Phoenix I know exactly what you're saying yet if they were to ask I know I personally would not be able to explain exactly what's going on in my head because how do you put that into words? It's five thousand things all at one time some of them magical and Alice in Wonderland like that no one could ever visualize, then the other is sizing people up thinking about situations how many outcomes there are. Sometimes I believe we're just not meant to be understood by everyone and that's okay. But I would like to ask you how are you doing? What's going on in your head? I may be able to understand.
Dark Pheonix,
I always check on people who are close to me, but, they always seem to think I'm fine. I don't talk much in reality, so, when I don't talk to them, they think it's fine. I feel so betrayed then. But I guess that's what happens when I don't share my feelings.
INFJ don't have thick skin-- we just wear a thick skin costume so our sensitivity isn't exposed!
Lol
Lol
Lol
Damn I denied this to my self for a second lol
That is when we are young... as we age, i think we just get good at smelling bullshit and have no tolerance for it.
Boundaries and self love give INFJâs what they need. I had to stop giving to ppl that donât deserve it. Itâs so simple but it took 33 years to learn this.
I do near 30 totally agree with you, I found it easier to withdrew from all friendships instead of burning my energy with my health case and be in my home, but started a little to say no
It took me that much time too
I'm right there with you... 36 years though.
Hehe 33 and just learnt about codependency.
...I mean I get it.
That's why I have dedicated myself to cheer up INFJs giving them a ear when they need it, hugs, food, going the extra mile. I am ENFP and have at least 3 INFJ friends who need this kind of support. I try as little as possible to throw my negative emotions on them. I believe the healthy happy ENFP can really help INFJs recover from being an emotional sponge
Tina Steig oh super sweet! I try too with my INFJ but Iâm an ENTP and end up talking too much sometimes.
My best friend is ENFP and she does this for me. It's a great balance of friendship for us
I need a friend like you
You remind me of one of my two best friends, who is an ENFP as well, one of the very few people in this world that I can pour my heart out to. Thank you for giving other INFJs the support, we need so much!
You are super sweetâ€ïž
Yes, INFJs are "nice". We really listen, empathize, and make others feel understood. That's the warm part.
But don't take our niceness too personally - we're nice to everyone. That's the cold part.
Rose Studstrup for real so many ppl think Iâm their best friend because Iâm nice to them but in reality Iâm nice to literally everyone.
Lol so true!!!!!!!
Facts. I have people mistake my kindness for weakness occasionally. It doesn't end well for them once I get REDLINED!!! Then I let them know their sins. And I make them know their sins. And I make them know their sins. Did I tell you that I MAKE THEM KNOW THEIR SINS-!!!
@@micahgeorge2981 same here with enfj
đđđđđ
Jum Broni lmao no doubt
*"we are just a dumping ground for everyone's feeling and emotions"*
ohmygosh this is my whole life summed up in one sentence
Yep lol
My life too
But to be honest, we like solving peoples problems. If we didnt we wouldn't bare it. Even though INFJs are problem solvers and give and dont take. We kinda like it. We love mind challengesđ
I started telling people that I'm not an emotional dump truck where anyone can just dump their emotional trash (ie. Family!)... At first people did *not* like it because they thought I was targeting them (I wasn't). But slowly throughout the years, I continued to say it and the people who used to have an issue with it now see how they were misused too and get it now. It pays to continue to grow and stick to your guns. It helps others too... Not just yourself (of course this INFJ would say that đ).
TRUE. I had this friend who would hang out with me when she and her bestfriend would fight. Then when thry are good and make-up, She treats me like I dont even exist anymore. Like HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA ok see you later when you two fight again.
As an adult INFJ, I've learned to protect my emotions and avoid unnecessary drama/to get so attached to every people i meet. As a result, my friends call me cold or ghost . đŹ
Please share your tips with us haha I'm going mad
enlighten us please!
These videos are basically like the course on myself I didnât know I needed đ€Ż
Mackenna Marks True!!!
same!
Mood
same here
I've heard the doorslam be described as 'I don't hate you, I nothing you' and I think that sums it up perfectly.
That's so accurate!
YES
I always had an opinion that indiference is far worse than hatred, because if you hate someone you still care about them in some way
That's perfect.
That's definitely me.
I thought I was rare until I saw the comment section lol
đ I feel you
We're all rare because our personal experiences and choices affects our personality. So don't worry fellow infj let's embrace this rarity without feeling insecure â€ïž
Nothing iz rare thezr days
Mood.
Although, one of the typical INFJs favorite past times is introspection, and by extension we seem to be one of the most likey types to watch these types of videos. So it makes sense that there are a lt of INFJs on these types of videos.
Plus there is the fact that this is a video about INFJs, lol.
same here đ
It is so hard to go into recovery without people being worried that Iâm ghosting them. I understand my friends care for me, but they just donât understand I just need to be alone and Iâm not upset because of them.
I had the door slam three times to this girl that I was trying to be friends with I was older than her and she was going through some of the things that I had already been through and she was just so unfortunately her mind was like a a big pile of yarn and too many layers for me to deal with I could have if she would have hung in there with me but she got offended whenever I backed away when I needed to back away because she needed to learn and you know but whatever you know it didn't work out it still bothers me but I know I did the right thing so but anyway God bless
@@barbaranocente8769 Lmao I hate and love that I am hard to understand.
YES YES YES
Yeah, it's freaking relatable...
And sometimes we are.
When I get cold I feel SO guilty for what Iâm doing like AHHHHH Iâm sorry for being mean to you but I really would like to be alone right now!
What sucks Is when you do that to a friend you want to date
The best thing that I ever learned in life was how to say 'No' - and mean it.
It's so hard for me to say no. It's a lifelong lesson for me to master... That's how literal and strong the doorslam analogy is in this
I recently learned how to say no, but now Iâm learning how to accept when people say no to me.
Iâve struggled with this but am working on it
Me too. But, when I said that, "No", the "guilt" comes rolling inside of me.
True
And literally it seems like the way we make people feel understood and cared for, nobody does the same for us and we're left to fend for ourselves in bad situations. Because even if we tried to explain, it would be nearly impossible putting it all into words, and maybe other people don't have the ability to understand as good as we do
I was just thinking about this myself - that I tend to always validate and rationalize others experiences and they feel so relieved to be fully understood by someone. Yet, when I have struggles or am sensing some trouble with people in my life and try to express my feelings to friends, they just say things like 'um you are overreactive' or 'i dont think so, that person is really nice to me' or whatever. It is hard to not be equally validated or understood.
Exactly. Or they me that I'm overly sensitive, and make me feel bad about myself and often as if I'm looking too deep into things. They don't understand the gravity of some situations. Sure, I'm good at sensing things doesn't mean I'm getting false alarms about everything. And my theories come true later so yeah joke's on em
Eros L I so feel this. Itâs why I stay isolated most of the time
I feel this too, have had lots of good friends in my life and no one has ever given me back the same understanding and caring that i have put in for them, and especially in my times of struggle. I wonder how we can handle friendships better?? I am starting to be more reserved so as to protect myself from caring too much, but now my friends are drifting away.
Exactly what's happening with me. I'm not necessarily antisocial, maybe I've also got a good proportion of extroversion so when I'm in my type of crowd and a good mood, I can party and have fun, shop etc with them. But making quality friendships is hard. Especially meaningless relationships.
The infamous door slam. I had no idea why I was that way until I learned about being this personality type. When I was a teenager I would shut my mom out so bad that she took me to therapy and cried about how cold I was. It really shook me to my core because my mom was a ruler with an iron fist. But when you don't exist to me, you just don't đ„±
Nice work on your Mom, there, fellow INFJ. She sounds as though she may have been a bit controlling, and you taught her a much needed lesson. Hope it wasnât too painful, for you, however.
Sometimes we are a little cold and they be like "you've changed" ,"I never thought you'd be like that!" "do you even have a heart?"
And sometimes it really hurts hearing it but we just smile anyways..
Why do people seek us when they are down and for unloading but never when they are happy? I am always a afterthought. I would love to hear good news and not just the blues.
Had to tell an ex that... like look man... I didn't sign up for this, I don't want to listen to you talk and I can't get a word in, I don't want to support you and not get any support back, I don't want to be your therapist, I want to have fun. People do seem to take our kindness and understanding for granted.
Oh yes, that has been my problem with friends. They love me for that, but I can't go to them nor do they want to share fun times with me. My relationships are one-sided.
Itâs because we are highly skilled at intuiting other peopleâs needs, we are highly empathetic and make very good listeners. When using these combined skills we make other people feel safe and secure enough to offload/dump their whoas on us. Sadly they become conditioned to see us like a child sees a parent. We become pseudo parents to people who havenât learned to self soothe.
What weâre not good at is setting boundaries, although this skill can be learned. That said, many people we meet are not good at respecting our boundaries, which leaves us having to set firm boundaries which they experience as us turning cold đ„¶ on them.
We end up in mainly one sided relationships because we have the ability to intuitively understand others but others cannot reciprocate, which leaves us feeling lonely.
But hang in there because it is possible to meet someone who totally gets you. It happened to me and I ended up marrying the most wonderful man. For the first time in my entire life I lived with someone that I totally got, and he in turn totally understood me. It was a relationship like no other. Pure heaven on earth. No arguments because we were both able to intuitively notice the other person at a deep level.
Hang in there. You will find someone, some day, and it will be a meeting of two beautiful souls. â€ïž
I am not an INFJ but an introvert as well (INFP) . How about a HAPPY/HYPED narcissistic person to share their good news on you? Their good news are centered mostly on THEIR greatness đŹ
So much truth. They only seek when they are in need.
Omg. I just started learning about my INFJ-ness, and this hits home so hard. Iâve been called Ice Queen, cold, stand-offish, etc. - but simultaneously told how warm, wonderful, caring I am. Iâve always thought of myself as a âweirdo-magnetâ - the person who attracts all the broken, needy, odd, eccentric people, and canât seem to shake them until I cut them off, completely. And then, I get the guilts, the depression, the worries, the what-ifs. Ugh! Anyway, thanks - this vid of yours is valuable. One Iâll rewatch. Shared too much. Gotta go recharge. 10/10
A. Kenneth Lol same, I sat in the âmisfitâ table in high-school because I made friends with the outcast crowd and have always been more interested to talking with âoddâ people. Its interesting to think about how INFJs, speaking from my own experience, are attracted to the people the majority deems as weirdos. edit: perhaps because we are the weirdos, lol. Cheers
Iâm an INFJ and my husband once told me that I have no emotions. đ LOL
@@starrseed2687 And he still married you...
100% accuracy.
A. Kenneth I relate so much to your comment
When you said "the world takes but it never gives" i felt that
As a mature INFJ-t Empath, we are spiritually enlightened people trapped and fighting for our lives in a Narcissistic self serving egotistic world .đŹđ§đŹđ§đŹđ§
Iâve never heard a more succinctly crafted sentence describing the daily existence. INFJ-T Super Empath, Life Path 9, Virgo. Please make it stop. How exactly do you purchase your own island, asking for a friendâŠ?
This made me laugh!Yeah that's what I've been thinking but you said it so well
@@beemonroe4330 I would like to know as well !
there is no such thing as infj-t
As an INFP, I totally relate. đą
my advise is to hide from people when you can
Ha ha, I'm already doing that
Word
Haha đ
Yes, it really helps!
(But I live in a college dorm with roommates... Sometimes there is nowhere to hide. And it's cold outside, I can't even go to parks anymore :'D)
Yep doing that atm
INFP with a close INFJ friend here. I can see what you describe in my friend. I know her well and I know she's deeply deeply empathetic and caring and warm heated. She doesn't SHOW a lot of emotion and she can be very straightforward when she's annoyed or when she finds something stupid, which may come across as COLD to those who don't know or understand her well. She also has a very acid sense of humor, which i LOVE but some may find harsh. But it's just a matter of communication and whether other people accept pure honesty or not, I guess INFJs are not easily understood by everyone. I personally like her and appreciate her a lot. We don't see each other or talk that often, we don't need to TALK a lot to be close, but I know she's honest and reliable and she's there for me or anyone if we really need. I wish there were more of you INFJs out there.
Eri feels like this could have been written about me
We are a rare breed.
Curious, what do you mean my acid sense of humor?
Oh my yes. Peopleâs idea of kindness appears shallow to me sometimes. Itâs deeper within.
I guess infj and infp get along well
The worst part is that people dont even have to talk about it to absorb their emotions, you just know
Just a tip from a life long INFJ... setup an emotional limit or boundary. When someone crosses that boundary turn off your ability to absorb emotions as fast as you can. I do it by bring up a dark memory. It instantly turns me cold.. and it will stay off until the memory fades..works like a charm everyday.. hope this helps. For anyone that says thatâs not a good idea, then maybe you like taking 2 weeks to get over an hour of someone emotional dumping on you.
I'm distant and cold to the people who've continually BEYRAYED my trust; I'm happily done with those acquaintances! Adios!
Flush the globalists omg do you have a thing where you distance and they like get demoted from friend to aquaintance?
That seems to be a common thread with INFJs, when we are done, we are done.
We feel absolutely no remorse for cutting people out of our lives when they cross the last line.
@@yesthatisababytoucan.youre6983 yes i did the same with a best friend of mine for 20+ years recently and two of my exes in the past too
@@yesthatisababytoucan.youre6983 exactly and why should we feel remorse? No one else would have taken their crap the way we did. They burned their own bridges.
We Infjs are the most emotional unemotional person..
N:B: - I'm a female INFJ...
I have often wanted to say to others "I'm the most empathetic sociopath you'll ever meet" Cuz while I can feel others emotions and deeply feel my own, sometime I just don't. It's like I switch off my emotions (or at least dampen them) until I can fully recharge them again
@@Toshella that's the perfect description. Feel so disconnected to everyone including myself sometimes, but also incredibly empathetic.
@@Toshella exactly me but recently I learned HOW to switch my feelings off ,cuz it laterly usually happens at random
I'm invincible now baby ; ]
@@bwmanhath3770 perfect description
I call it the 'Gift of Goodbye' (rather than the door slam).
I had the privilege of meeting a darling INFJ man when I was 16. He was in his sixties, a Christian, and his name was Larry Anderson. I met him the day I relocated to a new foster home. He worked in a department store nearby and came to my foster mother's home for lunch and dinner during the week. He was a bachelor and wanted home-cooked meals. He must have been really desperate because she was an awful cook. After I politely choked down the dinner she cooked that first day, I never ate another of her meals again for the whole two years that I lived there. I always got myself something to eat and took it to my room.
Larry came up behind me when I was sitting at the table that first day and affectionately squeezed the back of my neck. He was nearly knocked back by the wave of hatred and resentment he felt coming from me. He thought in shock, "Who hurt that girl?" Actually, it was someone I loved who got hurt by a man in his age group. I felt her pain and shame, as if it had been done to me, so I hated all men his age at that time in my life.
He got my attention one day, though, when he was talking to my foster mother about the Christian sect in which he was raised. I was amazed. I was raised in the same sect and they did not have faith to believe for miracles. It was a really dull, boring, church where they made a big deal about how women should dress. Skirts had to be below the knee, no makeup, old fashioned hair styles. And they think they are the only true Christians, that all other churches are false. You couldn't get to Heaven, if you didn't go to their church.
Larry experienced an astounding miracle of instant healing after a car accident in which his girlfriend's head was sheared off. He was thought to be dead and was being carried into a morgue when the ambulance guys saw him move his hand. They took him to the hospital and, because he wasn't expected to live, his badly lacerated face was stitched up clumsily, with big wads of skin sticking up. A week later, though, he saw Jesus come towards him as a bright light and he left the hospital that day, totally healed. He never had any plastic surgery, but he had no scars on his face, just faint red lines; I had to get two inches away from his face in order to see them.
So I knew this about him and could hardly believe that he used to go to that stodgy church. He got away from it in his youth, though, and sowed his wild oats before that accident made him take life more seriously. He could not believe that I was raised in that church, too. I was rather worldly, into New Age beliefs, wore makeup and jeans (men's garments!). Was moody and not interested in what my Christian foster mother had to say about God or morals.
Larry didn't believe that I went to that church until I recited the names of some of their "workers," which is what they call their preachers. Nobody would have ever heard of those people, unless they attended that church. Most people have never heard of the church because it doesn't have a name. So, when I realized that we had this in common, I was more open to what he had to say.
Larry said that he could feel other people's emotions, even when he wasn't in the same room with them. I'd never heard of anyone like that before. I wasn't as sensitive as him, as I was a very self-centred teenager, but one time I overheard my foster mother talking to a friend on the phone and she put her foot in her mouth when she said, "Oh, well, I guess you have more luck than brains." I could feel the frost from that other woman coming over the phone line. Lol!
I really wish I had taken the time to know Larry better back then. He was the sweetest, gentlest, most loving man I ever met up until that time in my life.
Beware the narcissists though! I am, unfortunately, like a magnet to them. Narcs will drain you of ALL your energy. I've learnt when I'm being targeted by them now, and stay away as much as possible. Beware the narc they're users and takers and only give back criticism and gaslighting. Love to all INFJs â€ïž
I can relate to this so much â€ïž
truly, my work mate who sit beside me is a narcissists. then one time i explode, I straight forwardly told her "why she's so narcissist? always blaming me and other whenever she fails. making me always feel guilty for not saving her face!" it's suck. I love my job but she is so draining and a lot of work to deal with. haist, i want my space but she like all my attention because Im the only one who emphathize her. I can't wait the time comes that employees sit be reshuffled again.
The problem is when your mom is a narc, and you have no way to avoid them for too long.
Oooooooo narcs are really riveted towards us but once you learn how to spot them, itâs easy to pretend they donât exist. Indifference is the answers. *happy sigh*
Answer**
INFJ here. I feel we have a unique sense of humor..The candle and Advil bit lol. We love laughter Can you talk about our possessive/addictive behavior? Like how we can listen to the same song over and over and over again.
Miss Dee Haha the obsession with songs! At least for me personally music works as a tool to truly identify and feel my emotions - I can skip songs one after another and suddenly I find one which absolutely resonates my inner state (no matter if it's joy, confusion or whatever) so I start playing it on repeat for like days (literally). I guess my family or friends must hate the song quite fast, but I can't help it! đ
Tereza Ć mĂdovĂĄ Same here! My obsession is a bit more extreme. I listen to the same songs repeatedly for years. Lol.
Miss Dee Alright so I'm officially not the only one! I'll try to set some long-term goals and see if I can reach your level đ
Great comment! I do that with songs and also subjects I am researching, for years on end. I just can't get enough. And also I can't get rid of my notes.
yeah me too.
Nowadays I just look for an exit. I cherish my peace and quiet too much.
Amen and Amen to that
The numbers of narcissists I've had to deal with... If I had a penny for each of them....
And we never forget...
Orestes Setsero Ever!!
Never forget anything ever ever ever.
And if someone breaks my heart.... its devastating.
OMG I literally remember everything my wife has everror told me.
" you used to listen to how my IBS affected my dating life...and now you don't even say hello"...I am in tears đđ
Stephanie Murray lmfao!!!!!!!đđđ
hahahahha
That was hilarious!!!
Stephanie Murray Yes ppl are very disingenuous. Act like they care when really donât. It really hurts when ur family r not there for u ever either. Went no contact with them many years ago. Seem to attract narcissists on whatever spectrum. Take care, sorry youâre being disappointed like this.
Hahaha, that was awesome
I also believe that it is also exhausting for us to set healthy boundaries. Because when we do so, we overanalyze the consequences of this action. For example, what will happen after having set our limits; are we going to hurt people's feelings? Are we going to lose our job? Maybe we don't set our limits without any (even slight) inner guilt...
When you get older, this changes.
me says something "fact" about others:
my friend: that's kinda rude
me for the rest of the day: "was i?? am i a bad person??? i said i wanted to be kind!?!?! why did i said that??"
I'm often told I have a penetrating gaze that sometimes makes people feel naked. I'm also told I come off as being aloof. đ€·ââïž
If that really is your profile picture, your eyes are striking. I have those kind of eyes too. I think eyes like ours, along with the fact that people may sense that something is happening when we look at them really freaks people out. And your eyes are lovely just to be clearđđ
Me too. Terrible resting bitch face. People assume Iâm a snob or aloof.
Probably a thing with a lot of INxJs, also as an Intp I also have an intense gaze and expression. I try mask and develop my Fe though
Exactly! especially when they first meet me I don't know to stop it XD
The best INFJ channel on CZcams. Please, keep posting videos. You're doing a great thing.
Thanks Eduardo!
A couple of the things he mentioned remind me of "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds" (Phil 4:7) and "you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
Iâm an infj but Iâm not convinced I was âborn this wayâ
A childhood of daily beatings and being screamed at was the reason I became intuitive and sensitive imho although I accept I could be wrong
this!! sometimes when i look back at how i was as a child and compare it to now i see why i became intuitive and sensitive (like you said). Don't get me wrong i'm kinda glad to be an infj but sometimes i ask myself "how long am i going to keep forgetting myself?" sorry for my bad english
Same. I had a lot of childhood trauma. That results in either narcissistic or empath
When you live in an unsafe environment you get attuned to other's people thiniest communication in order to keep safe.
yep. I went through many types ..
basically trauma changed me until I became the opposite
think I was...
INFP
INFJ
INTJ
ENT
ESTJ
or I'm 3 of these.. just in different social settings.
mom.. co depentant aggressive guilt-tripping
dad... covert narcissist Emotionally absent dismissive attachment
traumatized
This was a good video so true. Iâve INFJ doorslammed so many ppl due to them taking my kindness as a weakness or that others think Iâm slow and canât pick up on there selfish tactics. I just have a zero tolerance level
D M. People often just can't sense the deepness of our many layers of emotions and that we constantly see but excuse others thoughtlessness. There are limits to us excusing other people stomping over our feelings.
helloooo very true
D M Iâm the exact same as u
My nickname is doorslammer! đ
Yea, they don't see it coming.
Stay frosty, my friends...
oryray amenay đ„¶đŹâïžâïž
LOL that was funny
That was funnyđđ But agreeđđ„¶
Nice one! I love it!
"Dumping ground."
100%.
As an INFJ, I found my spirituality through a relationship with Jesus. I'm so thankful for the way I feel connected to God and I know He hears me and answers my prayers. He has helped me overcome many difficult emotional things and I am at a much healthier place in life. I have experienced a deep connection with His spirit during prayer. He has loved me well.
Amen. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are my best friends and I donât really talk to people about my experiences since He understands it all. He also gives me dreams and visions as warnings or a heads up and to bring me peace. Lastly, worship, prayer praise and reading the Word of God and focusing on Jesus Christ has also help me find that He is truly the Prince of peace.
Jesus is the only one here for me every single time. It's been this way since I was three, and now I am 50 and I'm still only have one person to turn to . When he laughs at me I can't help but laugh at myself too lol.
Amen
Man, you're a pleasant person to watch.
Thanks ;)
Could you agree it's exhausting being an INFJ? A fellow INFJ here myself.
hellojane I never understood why I always felt drained, not tired, and no one could understand that, until now
All I want to do is sleep.
Idk, like it's so easy to guess things about people and to basically read them and get inside their shoes, and that's not my purpose, but something I am passionate about: helping people. The whole process really is rewarding, but also, so extremley draining. Kinda like You wanna lay in bed, but you don't wanna sleep. Like you need an emotional/social recharge, so you can try to feel for yourself...Idk...
Wow i agree
Sometimes I fear Iâm physically unhealthy because I feel drained. Itâs exactly as you describe it, not tired, but drained. Just a short appointment to the dentist and talking to the staff will send me straight to bed for hours afterward.
As a 40 something year old INFJ mom of 3 ⊠when I started my own family I learned pretty quick to set out boundaries with the people around me ( mostly my family of origin) who liked to dump on meâŠ. er, I mean liked to have me listen to them. They did not like this. Not one bit. Haha! But you gotta do it! It gets easier once you start.
Nice to hear from a fellow mid-life INFJ gal. Couldnât agree moreâŠ
"Absorbing other people's emotions" - especially negative ones, and always without really trying to - is a more accurate description of what, in the past, I've referred to as "the pain of existence." It's the main reason I don't want to have kids: not only would I be absorbing the negative emotions arounds me, but I know I would hurt with all the slights and injustices they'd encounter and it would become an unbearable load of suffering. Tried explaining this to my ESFP mother. She did not get it...
I can see why. I think I absorbed so much pain and anger a few months ago, it's been hard to function. I need to release it, which helps through writing/talking. Obviously if I could talk to the person who caused it, it would help. But I know that is not happening. I tried many times. Being outside in nature can be helpful, but I still need wide open spaces.
Yes. I have been told more than once that I would make a good counselor because I have a lot of insight into people and their motivations, I'm a good listener, and I am genuinely interested in all people. Also, people pretty much instantly trust me. However, I know myself well enough to know that there is no way I could be a professional counselor. I would take all of that pain home with me and I would never sleep. I literally feel people's emotions and cry with them. I could not go through that on a daily or weekly basis.
I find that really hard to balance, and people donât get it. Some days Iâm really ready to talk, and other days I just need my space or to just not talk at all.
KALEIDO jess omg yes girl same!! Itâs such a struggle
I also strugling verbally, and I way better listener, than talker
Me: *Resting B face staring to everyone with intimidating looks*
My friend : what's wro..
Me: *giving her harsh stare*
Her: what's wrong?
Me: Absolutely nothing
Meka chan5 lmao! So true!!! đ
I seem to have that certain stare/expression going on at times when Iâm not really aware of it and the people Iâm with at that moment always react the same way: are you ok?
makes me cringe every time đ
I feel like a creep cause my resting B face
I come to enjoy my RBF because it keeps people away. I have a very small circle of people I ALLOW into my life. Itâs a gift that should be embraced. Itâll save you a lot of strife
The other day I was waiting for my sister outside of a grocery store bathroom, and a complete stranger walked up to me to ask if I was okay. She looked quite concerned, despite the fact that I was, in fact, in a good mood.
The thing is, she wasn't even an employe trying to give good customer service, like I assumed. She was just a random customer.
Things like this happen to me probably 40 percent of the time that I leave my house, and even people that are close to me frequently say that I constantly look stressed or depressed. Sometimes they even refuse to believe that I am, in fact, perfectly fine.
I heard someone say that they "don't have a resting bitch face, but a resting I-don't-want-to-be-here face", and I feel like that describes me pretty well đ
Iâve completely cut ppl out of my life âdoor slamâ from them calling me to much and bitching bitching bitching how bad everything is to where I canât take it anymore
I do it too, the door slam. I call them energy vampires, and slamming the door on them is the best. When we can literally feel peoples energy, we can't allow negative energy around us, because it can't be overlooked like some people can do, because we feel it whether we want to or not.
I'm so happy that I checked out this CZcams Chanel, you're helping a lot thank u
Happy to hear that!
Om-:0 thank you so much! You best boy
Me tooooo
This hits home far too much for me. Sometimes I really really deeply hate being an INFJ. This whole dynamic makes me feel so closed off from people
Classic INFJ thing to say lol
@@Ephesians5-14 this comment brings me down even moređđ
You need to find a way to peace out more... You will be okay then.
Yea. Itâs insane how much I can hate the way I think sometimes. While sometimes I love the way I think... so weird
This explains why I prefer to spend time with people who share their positive experiences and feelings. Itâs a bit like getting my own energy recharged just by tuning into their positive emotional state.
And it also explains why I have developed a strong spiritual path through Buddhism and meditation. I have to meditate twice a day otherwise I canât function properly. Before I took up meditation I used to withdraw and spend long periods of time alone. People think Iâm weird for spending so much time alone. They donât understand how much energy I absorb from being out in the world.
I've been wanting to learn how to meditate but I don't know how to.
@@carleighrice8891 Besides reading and watching videos, it's important to know there's no right way. That sitting with crossed leg thing? Not necessary. You can meditate lying down. You can say mantras to yourself and benefit like someone calling their attention back to their in and out breath (the way that most start or do). You can watch an ant build its abode (buy and ant farm). You can lie in bed and contemplate the swirled effect of your ceiling if you have that sort of ceiling. You can lie down wherever you have the ability to see the sky through the leaves of a tree. You can watch clouds. You can take a good, deep spiritual book into the bath and let your mind get lost on some point that calls to you and after a while you might find that the water has grown cold and you haven't been thinking--you've been just existing in absolute peace. You can do walking meditation where you stay focused on every step. You can walk Labyrinths (build your own if you have a back garden). You can do yoga if that works for you.
The point to meditating is to learn to stay in the present moment and the act of meditating should feel like a mini vacation. This means finding ways to meditate that work for you. A lot of what you see is one size fits all. Find what fits for you.
As INFJ, I agree with your video. The facts are true and very clear about INFJ's coldness.....đ€
Nice work mate
Thank you đ
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are." - Marcus Aurelius
I've just recently found out I'm an INFJ and it explains why everyone opens up to me even though I don't know them?
I mean like people in an emergency room telling me their life problems. Or why all my coworkers tell me all of their issues at home, or strangers message me about their mental health? LOL my entire life I've been like a counsellor to everyone.
Chloe Muggridge Hahhaahh same
Thatâs why INFJ is also known as âThe Counselorâ đ đ đ
SAME đ
I recently realized that ALL of my close relationships (outside of family, of course) are buit on me being their councilor, which isn't a very strong foundation to say the least (I know, what a *fun* thing to realize).
At least I now have an explanation for why strangers always open up to me. đ
Same... All of my friends come to me for wisdom and advice. But I cam never depend on them for solid, sound advice. It's exhausting. When I was young, it made me bitter. Now I know it's apart of the package of me and don't give as much to them as I once did.
same here đđ and i even used to ask people y they open up to me when they are even introvert by themselves..and they say we do t knw but u made us feel comfortable đ
A bigger clue about others is what they DONât Say. I get bigger intuitive vibes from that. It is huge.
Lara O'neal Itâs always what is not said. Because donât we âsayâ a lot of things non verbally, and assume others are doing the same? Itâs reading between the lines. Even when someone talks itâs much less taxing because I always fear what was not said. As a server itâs hard when people never acknowledge my actions even with a thank you... It makes me feel lower than dirt when they donât even look at me. Yes Iâm getting paid but I still deserve to be treated like I exist. Alexa, Siri, and Sophia would be better suited for snotty restaurant customers.
Mindy Sioux Yes but Iâm talking about what I know they are withholding. Ppl lie through omission all the time. Secretive and basically dishonest. This is what I hate so I terminate any interaction with those types Iâm talking about personal experiences not work.
I immediately know what isnt being said... and oh my goodness... its like an ethical dilemma.. do i call them out on what I know they arent telling me.... or do i just let them keep up the facade to feed their egoic needs???
Carrie OConnell If this is a pattern that u pick up on and if u want to continue the so called relationship at all I would call them out on it.and observe their reaction which probably wonât be good. Then that should confirm you should go no contact and simply get out. Itâs up to you and your level of tolerance for the toxic behavior. I guess what Iâm saying is, if it were me I probably would disappear out of their lives gradually or even suddenly. Thatâs just me. I do alone really well. I donât tolerate deception at all and omitting the truth by saying nothing is lying and betrayal to me. That is always a deal breaker for me. If u choose let me know how it goes. Best regards to you.
I agree, and I think that that is actually a large part of the "INFJ stare" thing; they sense that we know what they didn't want to tell us, and feel vulnerable without being able to make out logically why, because they never friggin' said it!
This is so true. I can smother you with my care and attention but when I see that our relationship is getting toxic, I disappear.. just like that. It's sad how you always give the best of yourself when they need you but when the time comes that you'd be needing them, they can't give you the same.
I am often described as being cold because I shut ppl off emotionally to recuperate.
Anyone else cry when your in a crowd that starts clapping and cheering? I feel overwhelmed and it comes out as crying đ
Yeah I do that in my choir concerts or in any performance I watch
Absolutely! It makes me crazy. Itâs impossible to control sometimes.
YES!!!!! Why do I cry when I hear people sing?
Wow. I never equated this to INFJ. I thought I was just whacked- as usual. đ„Ž
Some times it takes me 2 or 3 days by myself to recover & get myself spiritually straight.
Date for a month. Recover for a year.
@@jammieusa2566 đđđđđđđ facts
It takes me almost a week
Jed Sparks That's one thing I wish more people could understand about us. Like we can't just "get over it"
When Im very upset about someone I just stop talking with that person, just staring in an annoying silence. When I'm quiet, you are in trouble
When infj being cold , they r not heartless they only turn their self defense mode on (to recovery their inner peace). They still warm inside.
It takes days for me to recharge. Even my mom asks where I've been I haven't seen you in like 4 days.
Logan Beringer lol yes the mums. I traveled for 2 days and when I got back home I really wanted to be in a black room for 1 month lol. My mum kept calling and asking if Iâm fine and why Iâm hard to reach. Um lol I over did it and hit my month limit in 2 days and now I donât want human interaction unless absolutely necessary.
I learned long ago that this is what I could handle outside of work in terms of social interaction: church once a week, dinner out with close friends, lunch out with close friends. If something else was on for the week, one of those things had to go. I'm an extroverted INFJ and that's all I could handle. Had I been a teacher, it would have been one thing mainly; however, I worked in an office where I could close the door and just get on with my work most of the time.
As an INFJ-T, I know a lot about the battery draining down. It has been two years since dating, fully recharged and now I can contemplate starting up again. No sense in wasting a full battery.
âLow-battery modeâ
I've been telling people this for years. I feel what everyone is feeling. Just going outside sucks sometimes. It's tiring emotionally!!! Spot on. Thank you.
INFJs are like the NPCs in a video game. âThanks for giving me what I need, I donât need you anymore. Whatâs that? You need me to do something for you? Ugh...I guess so, if I HAVE to....â
INFJs are the heroes and heroines that no one ever thinks needs to be occasionally saved themselves.
Alternatively, they are the protagonist that goes around solving everyone's problems that has people giving them endless side quests without giving them a moment to take a break. The older I get, the more it feels like no one is capable of fixing their own problems. It's so weird, since I also feel that I myself am inadequate.
Never has a channel explained me so well as this đŻ
4:34 I have this ESFP friend who ALWAYS calls me to spout her problems at me "because you're a good listener". I noticed the best way to avoid this topic of conversation is by complaining before she starts to complain.
Daphne S Because Iâm a good listener doesnât mean Iâm obligated listening to them, giving free therapy. Go pay a therapist. Yeah, right there, my cold side is showing.
I had a friend like this and I mean this when I say it-be careful! Protect your energy. Save it for yourself. Once we got into a massive fight and made up, but agreed to just stay distant friends, I felt so much better! I have so much energy, I started working out more and making time to read and write. I also donât feel too drained to talk to my mom or sister. It is really sad but some people are just like leeches and suck the life out of you. Please just be mindful. If they arenât giving you any of that energy back, maybe you are better off without them.
đ€Ł this made me laugh. What a strategy.
@@ttuanmu Literally what i've been thinking all month! Like, atleast pay me if the only reason you talk to me is to vent about problems that you seem to cause yourself!
My infj friend had been acting cold towards me all year and then had the gall to ask me months later if we are ok. No, we are not ok. Ignoring people is not friend behavior. Neither is returning and expecting to be welcomed with open arms. It's plain rude.
Like I swear my family are always telling me that I donât care for anything when I donât panic when they panic and Iâm like Iâve already predicted what will happen and weâll be fine just let me be.
Your facial expressions are very sardonic without even trying. It cracks me up. Iâve been told that I am very childlike. I say yea Iâm raising me. Constantly asking questions and learning and growing.
didn't think it was sardonic,he did seem panged about the entire ordeal....for me it was more like "you poor man,let me give you a hug"
"I'm raising me" ...lol . Exactly how I feel
I am also childlike and still love watching animated movies, fairytales, playing video games, daydreaming, listening Ne like songs and that actually feeding my Ni, but I am also have very serious side of me and executing my goals into action
I am 25, but people still ask me if I am a school going girl or not
THANK YOUUUUUUUU
I like to call it the ice princess.
Can I be a princess?
or ice cream cornetto
Idk I disagree. Iâm not cold, I just know when itâs time to be attentive, when itâs time to move on, or when impasses reveal themselves. Timing. Some of the world lives in the past not realizing the future is already here. It envelops these people in sand as they lie in statuesque composures. It is THE most valuable commodity because it is so limited to us all. I can never take it for granted again.
same haha
Frank James why not be an ice king?!
This is definitely true. I'd like to think that I'm a cat, always napping. The chaos of reality is exhausting and heavy .
As an ENFP, I just want to come sit, hug and listen to all INFJâs đ„șâ€ïž
I withdrew for years... Now I know how to open the door but leave the screen closed lol
âThis person is listening to me I feel listened toâ and âthey donât STOPâ ommmg yesss đđ so draining
8:20, spirituality is my main coping mechanism for sure! it helps me set boundaries and protect my energy without being too cold and shutting people out
Battery burn out, oh my goodness!!! Yes. Really difficult homeschooling kids as an INFJ and not being able to be alone. But I still can't send to into the public school system because they were being neglected. Tricky spot to be in. I can't throw away their education and well being for the sake of my solitary needs.
As an INFJ who works as a school counselor...I need naps every day after school
why tf am I smelling that candle?!
I make candles , I wanna send some for him to light ! It looked so good !
'cause the candle is lit.
(I'm joking and I'm not trying to be an asshole)
Jennifer Buchanan Whatâs your email ? Love candles đ
I smell random things allllllllllll the time too!!!!
I intuitively caught a wiff of my dad's socks yesterday
Like telepathic smelling
Lol
People say I donât have emotions. I always tell them I have emotions I just refuse to show it partially because I wonât be able to explain it in a way theyâll be satisfied with.
Thatâs it! Iâm like emotional tampon for my friends. Theyâre like talking and talking and talking about theirs problems and everything and I listen and advice and I feel really good l with that, but then it comes and I canât do it anymore. I have a one girl and she always comes to me and I canât say ânoâ to her if she really needs me, so she starts with her stuff and she is like âGod no, you are in this weird mood that I hate. I donât like it, do sth with itâ and Iâm like âwell..what can I sayâ
Infjs learn to question the emotion when it happens to pop in from an other. Question it instead of sitting confused wondering why you feel that way. Once you question the emotion you'll then be able to do something about it. With practice you'll Quickly send it back to who it came from. So, tell it to return to its owner....
I believe that my inability to set boundaries in the past had to do with my programming. Those that have suffered childhood traumas/had co-dependent/alcoholic parents are going to have to do a lot of reprogramming in order to have healthy relationships. I found myself getting into relationships with covert narcissists & they were a mirror to show me how to love myself unconditionally. On a more lighthearted note... you crack me up totally!
Lady Lulu You took words out of my mouth. Setting boundaries was (and still is) my hardest part of truly growing up.
I'm so happy you've done reprogramming. I also had an alcoholic father and also a very anxious mother (still is). A brother that was absent and didn't get me, and a circle of friends that I was bullied by but stuck around and got into illegal shit with them until late adolescence/early adulthood. For the past year almost I've been reading and doing therapy (on and off) as well as daily meditation (thanks to Headspace app which makes it easy). Most recently have started trauma therapy in hoping to rewire the brain because let me tell you guys, as INFJs (especially INFJ-T like myself) if we had our past since small babies full of almost non-stop adversities, then it's very hard for us (it's already hard for a trauma-free-ish INFJ) to balance our emotional side when we're being hurt :(
We need to work on building inside of us the parents that we lacked which were supposed.to be there always for and support us.
I recommend two books:
1) The Emotionally Absent Mother
and
2) The Unavailable Father
I've been there. Still healing and reprogramming my brain.
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Lady Lulu I agree Iâve have several traumatic experiences not only in my childhood but as an adolescent. All of my struggles have impacted my life but Iâm basically ignoring my past. I donât think about it throughout my daily life bc even if I do thereâs nothing I can do to change it. So Iâve basically come to terms that no one will ever understand me. Iâm hoping one day Iâm able to open myself up to someone but doubt that day will come anytime soon.
So true and we spoil everyone around us so that their expectations of us are that we will always be there to give and give.
INFJ here. I find that I am not cold at first but get more and more direct. People often open up yo me without any form reciprocity. Eventually we run out of steam, and we are "cold" because 1) we need to set boundaries not to absorb emotions anymore and 2) we're not being cold, we're being transparent.
It's extra hard as a woman because we're expected to be doormats. But my INFJ brain needs to eventually shield itself.
You are right about listening to others, and then not getting any feedback with regards to our own problems. Someone told me its because I seem very independent and self-sufficient, or display these actions. Maybe this is part of our problem too. Since no one understands our personality type they assume we can solve our own problems without feedback from others. I think we are private or reserve and others notice this and are afraid to approach us, because of it. We have to open up about ourselves more and its hard at times for me, because of negative experiences from others we trust or thought was trustworthy. People take my kindness and sometimes throw it back into my face in a projecting way. Like what I have done for them was really nothing special, when it was. Hurtful people enjoy hurting kind-hearted authentic individuals because they become jealous of us because they cannot see or feel what we feel. Its a complex but real situation for us. Especially when you live with toxic people. I try to maintain a positive attitude because my nature is a harmonious one and others have called me a goody-two-shoes and such, but I realize that its okay to be me. If they don't like me that is their problem, not mine. I have learned this later in life. Yes I can be cold at times because I cannot fix everyone's problems and when I help them they do not appreciate it or act like what I did or say did not affect them in anyway, especially when the outcome is positive for them, or did not take my advise when their outcome was wrong and I was right! lol We have a right to be cold or distant at times, its for self-preservation and nothing is wrong with that. (sorry for the rant people...) Peace! :-)
Often, I find when I actually get someone to listen, I am answering my own questions with the best possible solutions or defeating every one of their suggestions with walls that I can already foresee happening. It's probably for the best that we do think for ourselves. The difference comes when it's something practical. Like, if I am hungry, I can ask someone for food. That is easily understood and I can get food without any serious thought about it. What we need emotionally or psychologically (answers to life questions or even relationship advice) we can't take what others say as better than what we know about ourselves. So, how can other people help us? Alot of the time most people help themselves just by talking about it instead of keeping it inside their heads. It just helps to have someone to listen as it's usually awkward to do it alone, even though that could help, too.
I too feel the same, particularly in relationships where the person is initially attracted to my 'warmth and kindness' but they almost don't seem to expect that I too have feelings and problems. I only share them with those I trust but overtime it becomes overbearing for them (yet it's second nature for me to listen to their feelings) and that hurts. I always say 'I can deal with other people's feelings but not mine.'
ElusvOptmst1 totally resonate with everything you stated
Your lenghty explaination is most likely the reason why my circle of friends more resembles a very short arc.
Carlyle Tom funny, but totally true. Perfectly resonates with me.
I feel people's emotions through their eyes like suffering, confusion and especially anger I never knew why until recently and always thought I was here for others and not myself.
Iâve been so stuck in that drained state for so long. Iâm practically a hermit now.
I've learned to stop people when they go too far telling me their frustrations. I have a friend whose daughter treats her like crap and ignores her children's misbehaviour. The last time she visited and started to tell me some more about her daughter's shortcomings as a mother, I put up my hand and said, "Don't tell me any more because it will make me angry."
Likewise, when she was going to tell me about some atrocities that were committed against children, I stopped her. I said, "I know a lot about what horrible people have done to children. I get the picture. I can't take hearing any more details."
The thing you talked about at 3:15 is soo true. I find myself absorbing all their negative emotions and find myself feeling drained and low and everything bad. I want them to feel like they're understood, but at the same time I don't want them to keep dumping all their trash. And when I've finally had enough- I'd probably seem cold to them cause I'm avoiding them to recuperate. Perhaps considering not even associating with them that much anymore.
I hate to write comments, let alone "essay" comments lol but I felt like I needed to be understood on this or I'll just be confused. Can anyone else relate to this?
This is my life to a T. If I get dumped on long enough, one morning I wake up and say, "Wow, my battery is completely drained," as if it comes out of nowhere. Then, I avoid the friend that's draining me, and am perceived as cold. For me, I think it's a failure on my end to confront the situation and inform the person they are being an emotional vampire....though that can be a difficult interaction....I totally understand Eros!
Eros L yeah I'm like this with my mother in law
SO true!!!! I've felt this too!
I have this problem as well. I've lost so many friends due to it. I kinda just shut down emotionally.
The coldness/ruthless/blunt part comes into effect when I have pushed myself far beyond my own limits. Usually when I wake up and don't recognize myself anymore. (Eventually you lose sight of your own emotions amongst the sea of emotions we absorb.)
And you're right about the resentment. You can't help but start to wonder why you can't "selfish." And yeah you feel bad about it, and will usually push yourself even further.
Eventually there comes the shut down/door slam as many will put it. The degree of this is dependent on the situations in play. If the people around you are understanding to a degree, chances are the results are simply you disappearing for a period of time to process and reflect on the time since your last recharge.
But if the situation involves a person who is in the least bit hostile towards your decision to recharge, such as expecting you to continue to be their own person sounding board, especially in a disrespectful way, then the INFJ can be ruthless.
We understand people. We want to help them, make them feel safe. So we tend to be the vaults to their deepest thoughts/feelings.
But what most tend to not take notice to is the world needs balance. The INFJ, who by default, care about people as a whole, also understand emotions at much deeper level than most. Emotions to an INFJ are in concept, are nothing more that "chemical reactions". And we know exactly which of a person's personal catalysts are needed to create the exact emotional reaction we want them to feel. So all that stuff you shared with them, that they used to comfort you and lift you up with, is now the same things they will use to emotionally destroy you.
As someone else put it once, a double sided sword , put in the hands of an emotional ninja.
Now like I said this it the last thing an INFJ wants, and will do everything in their power to avoid it. But even we have a breaking point. And contrary to what many may think, we are in fact not just overly sensitive cry babies, who will just take whatever the world thinks it can throw at them. The whole Fe side of us is for the sake of those around us. Something warmly inviting, that people can feel safe within. And with the natural urge to want to save the world, we are usually more than happy to be that sanctuary.
But we are also analytical. We calculate just as much as INTJs. Only our thinking isn't out in the open like the INTJs. No we hide it next to our high intuition, continuously making note of all the things that make those around us tick. And as a self defense mechnism, we will put on an "INTJ" mask, cold and seemingly inhuman.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to shed some light on what the workings below the surface of an INFJ. That even though we naturally want to build people up, and may come off as weak because we feel and understand emotions, we choose to let people see that side of us. We are system builders, and our building blocks are "people." But to truly build something wonderful, you have to truly understand everything about what you are building with, including what will destroy it.
*laughs in hidden*
"A double-sided sword, put in the hands of an emotional ninja"
Yeah, that's definitely me.
Ooof me
Sharing a bunch of spiritual books you like is the most INFJ thing Iâve seen in awhile but as a fellow INFJ I appreciate it!