INFJ Brutality (or: the INFJ Door Slam)
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 3. 05. 2018
- The INFJ door slam, as it's known, is better described as INFJ brutality.
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I saw it.. you were doing a lotr-shire-rivendell theme background! It's a great video. I hope more and more people keep subbing your channel. I love your "Infj" way of explaining things, makes perfect sense to me. And it means alot for someone to finally get it. Alot. Thank You for that. â€
This video was actually one of the best from this channel.
Itâs level of ironic humor in delivering objective info on the infj type wasnât the best comparatively to his others, but it gave personal and authentic insight of a human beingâs experience who just happens to be an infj.
And THAT is the true rarity amongst this ârareâ percentage imo. Respect.
Thanks for sharing, Frank! đ
The 7 Unhealthy Signs one is MONEY on objective insight and endless wit though! Everyone should def check that one out đđŒ
Adam Delonge 3 strikes đđŒYoooooooooouâre OouttâŒïž not kidding
Also I think by the time the cut off comes, we've been living a lie for so long it feels like there is no way to salvage the relationship & it's the most empathetic thing to just leave it. Being yourself with that person going forward seems impossible, therefore continuing the relationship is pointless.
Life Goal: Meet another INFJ in real life
Daya Tom , u should meet my Dad. Heâs a very strong INFJ empath.
..I was lucky to meet one,, and we agree on all things.. đđ
Where
Other Life Goal: Marry one!
Come to Sacramento looool
Any other INFJs feel like their social life is really just trying to figure out when to cut the next person out? đđ
Yes
Not taking any more new peeps into close circle for the time being.
đ€Ł
Big mood as an INTJ who acts like an INFJ in public.
violetwitch I do. I feel like Iâm on a reality show sometimes.
"It's all grey to me, nothing is black and white. I see all sides of an argument"---that hit hard. Truth, from another INFJ
Hey :) At what minute does he say that?
@@evanna1965 4:32
That's exactly how I feel.
Oh shit I finally found the proper words to describe that feeling đ
Yes
"Even in our misery, we see the other side...." My eyes are watering so much. I feel so seen.
same
Yeah and the saddest part is even got hurt by their words and actions we can't say them out because we don't want the other one to get hurt
We're a gluten for punishment.
I'm this person. Sadly
đ
Shutting the door to narcissists has always been satisfying to me đ
Adela.
Any advice on how you cut them off? I'm in the process of shutting the door myself on a narcissists.
@@keyanna2633 just dont entertain them but be nice still. That way they'll realize they dont affect you.
Adela then possibly theyâll keep trying harder and digging lower .. My door slam means no contact .. youâre dead to me .. no love for a narc .. period
@@OldManClutch If thats the case, then yess. But if your dealing with narcissists who you cannot avoid, just ride in their conversation but not entertain them. If they know they get to you, thatll just fuel them.
Keyanna indifference. The indifference will show them they donât affect you and thatâll hurt them. Theyâll want a reaction out of you. Be polite and just nice but donât let them get a rise out of you. I cut off a bestfriend and It took time but it worked.
"Did you know there's a deleted scene in Hamlet,
_where he takes the MBTI test_ ..." đ đ
Yeah, I enjoyed that too!
ROFL! Couldn't stop laughing! Had to pause the video!
đ€Łđ
It was an INFJ who deleted that scene, another door closer
To me anyway, there are different levels or types of the "door slam."
1.) The "slow fade door slam" where you just allow a naturally drifting apart relationship to end quietly (think friends from school, casual relationships, or relationships with subconscious unresolved conflict that you nor the other person are willing to confront)
2.) The "partial door slam" where you still interact with people who keep showing up in your life because you can't avoid them, but you're there to be polite, not for a relationship: you don't necessarily care one way or the other whether they remain or leave, and you're only interacting with them on a superficial level anyway
3.) The "complete" or "final door slam" where people have hurt you so many times you know your relationship is over. There's no going back, there's no fixing things. It's not even that you're mad at them or even sad anymore, you can't feel anything towards them. If the INFJ in your life is mad at you, that means they still care about you. If they are calm and civil as they ignore you or interact with you, your relationship with them is over and they could not care about you if they tried, even if they wanted to.
Also, does anyone else experience the "one last chance" thought before deciding to cut someone out? Like you already 99.9% know the relationship is already over, but you think, "okay, let's try this one more time"? Right before the apathy fully takes over.
I use a combination of the first one with the second one for that one last chance, I parcially or completely stop talking to them, but I still observe them (that sounds creepy but it's not) if I see they changed, I slowly open the door again, if not then I don't.
I use the first one most of the times, so it seems natural, not harmful
The second one If I still need to have contact with this person
The third one when I know the other person doesn't care about me, because I can just go right away and the other person won't care either, or when that person harmed me a lot (that doesn't happen often, maybe because I notice from the start)
I'm kinda in the second one with an ex friend of mine. My other friends are friends with her too. And they don't know how to feel about her and her behavior and they still keep her in their lifes. So i wont initiate us having out all together (including ex friend) but i won't be petty and not hang out with them is she is invited. And i stay civil because i don't wan't my friends to get caught in the crossfire.
(Btw i talked to her about her behavior and nothing changed and she only saw herself as the victim and basically blamed us for the way we reacted to her while not acknowledging her actions )
Yup and yup. I do the first one very very often. It does seem the most natural and least directly harmful or brutal, but on the other hand I do tend to let things fade and choose to do it more that I should probably. I rarely have had the leisure to do the third "door slam" of the few times some really has hurt me that badly for that long, they are usually connected to another part of my life that I can't avoid (at least for some time after). So like I do the total emotional disconnect, I cannot care even if I wanted to, but also still have to be around the person(s). ALSO YES, the one last chance. It is like a death knell. It's the last nail in the coffin before the heartstring is severed forever. Honestly, as long as I don't give them the "final chance" then they could maybe make up for it and maybe we could have a relationship/friendship in a couple years after healing. But if I give you that chance...oh boy. Use it wisely or you'll never be ripple in my mind again.
One of my friends is a total narcissist and Iâve tried to cut him out twice but it didnât work because he keeps crawling back. I seriously tried to full door slam twice and he didnât get the message. And itâs even more infuriating because itâs really easy to tell he doesnât like me
@@ianhamilton9600 have you tried the "grey rock" method? It's where you become so boring, bland, uninteresting, and unresponsive until he no longer wants to have anything to do with you because you're so blah. What would be even funnier is if you only do that around him, no one else.
An INFJ wants to be your friend forever. Just DON'T disappoint him/her by trying to manipulate, abuse, use or dare him/her.
INFJ wants to be friend forever? That's the biggest joke I ever heard.
I completely agree with this. Also him/her/them.
INFJs might want to be friends forever, but they are naturally not disposed to valuing long term relationships.
@@KironKrishnan what do you mean by that?
@@TheUniverseBrewer
First of all, INFJs use their Ni to find the meaning of and judge the feelings of others. Unlike in the case of systems and actions which make the bulk of "Thinking" judgements, the feeling judgements have a high chance of being inaccurate, as feelings are more changeable and less predictable, more individualistic than INFJs think they are.
This often reflects in INFJs making highly wrong choices about judging the feelings of introverted feelers, which makes them good only in the shallow herd that they want themselves to be accepted by. Mature INFJs tend to acknowledge the introverted feelers and be more empathetic, but INFJs don't naturally accept the logic behind it.
Second, INFJs proceed by Fe, that too in their auxiliary, which is cool. But the Fe kinda shallow and instantaneous sympathy isn't what that fires a long term relationship. INFJs feel instantaneously and impulsively, but not densely. At any moment, an INFJ is prone to forgetting that relationship isn't all about their personal pleasure but also the other partner. That results in the partner having no clue that INFJ isn't as deep into relationship as they are. This hurts them, and INFJs for the worse have their most stupid defense mechanism to shoo away people who desire long term relationship.
And with that, I come to the third point - the stupidest INFJ defense mechanism which is tertiary Ti. As much as INFJs base their decisions on other's feelings, their ego, their inner aspiration is grounded in the assumption that everything they do is logical and vindicated unless they themselves rethink about them. Naturally, this translates to extremely bad at receiving constructive feedback from genuine people. Ti is also responsible for the infamous door slam, it makes sure that over time, INFJ tends to cut off all people who try their best to form long-term relationship with them.
INFJs are made for being cult-leaders, insight-providers and a lot of things, but not genuine empathetic relationships.
I only use it as a last resort and usually only with toxic people.
Especially wishy washy women!
Yep
Exactly Rich! If you provoke it, you definitely deserve it...ijs. You can't push an INFJ to the edge, hence...the door slam. Sorry, not sorry đ€·đŸââïž
Now here's coming a weird INFJ explanation, but for me I try to see it that way as well, like as using the door slam in the worst case, but sometimes I shut the door unconsciously, looking back at it tho makes me realize that I wouldve done then either way one day.... "just" cause these relationships felt so wrong aka felt like they would go nowhere
@@tiffjay4731 đ
Wow. "acting like they don't exist, or never existed or never existed to you"
This has forever been my defense mechanism against people whose BS I can no longer take anymore. This channel has totally convinced me that I am not alone in this world. Wish I had INFJ friends like myself đ people who would understand my struggles and with whom I can have deep meaningful conversations đą
Atinuke Oyinbo I know, me too!
Atinuke Oyinbo Me too. Seems we are so rare that I don't think I will ever meet another one in real life.
Atinuke Oyinbo hello, I feel the same way.
Ya me too. Sometimes I want to clone myself and hangout with myself
Atinuke Oyinbo We are here with each other in spirit! I know I will find the friend or two who gets me. Quality over quantity.
My door slam... it isnât because I want to harm the person... I literally just have no more words or effort or energy left to give to that person. I know that any more I give to them will be in vain. And itâs never worth the effort again. Itâs a painful loss, but lessons were learned.
Same...
well said
EXACTLY HELL YES OMFG.
THIS. It's, like, when I'm at the breaking point and the door slam is the only thing that can save me emotionally.
It sounds very petty and cowardly frankly. and pretentious.
When I have cut people out of my life, it has always been because I have recognized that the relationship was depleting my emotional energy at an unsustainable level.
Exactly
Exactly. It's like we're looking for the "last straw" that finally gives us permission to get out, and by that time, there's been too much harm done for a clean exit.
For me, the "last straw" was when a manipulative half-sister, who treated me like a shitty slave to her while I was living with her, gave me suicidal tendencies, and gave me a reason to seek out therapy, yelled over the phone, "well, I thought about getting heR a cARD, buT i gUesS i woN'T NOW!" when she overheard I got upset about something that didn't even concern her.
Like. Bitch. You think you're the martyr, here?
I can relate
Because you were too much of a coward to talk things over like normal people do. So instead you simply cut them out of your life like they are dead to you.
This is the so called âempathyâ. What a joke.
One of the best quotes Iâve ever read is that âif I cut you out of my life, you handed me the scissors.â I am very much a shades of grey person, INFJ. Everything you said really rang true for me. We really do drag stuff out. We hold on until the very last thread is left, and just rip it ourselves.
I fucking LOVE that.
I just saw this quote today and felt it in my soul!!
You shouldnât have been such a coward as to not confront the person in the first place and do whatâs called COMMUNICATE.
instead you act like a chickenshit and cut people out acting like they are dead to you and itâs all in the name of some high minded self righteous concept.
Hereâs something you probably never considered, oh holy infj: itâs likely no one gives a shit whether youâre in their life or not.
I had this friend that I was really close with for years. She kept doing these small things that made me feel like I wasn't important to her, that my friendship wasn't valued. I didn't say anything. Then I felt entirely ignored at her wedding to the point that I regretted attending and this made me feel such deep sadness. We didn't talk for a while after that, and I reach out to her to spend some time together. She moved towns without telling me, and I just didn't message her back, deleted her from everything, erased her from my life. She messages me occasionally and I never respond. She doesn't deserve a response.
Same here (but more recently and without the wedding). I did reach out to see if things were ok, but even after that nothing changed. It got so bad it was actually starting to affect me mentally (lonely even though I was with other friends and in other scenarios where I would usually be ok being alone). Now I feel a lot better mentally and feel like myself again in my own company.
Before I found out I was an INFJ I didnât understand why I was being such a masochist by keeping close to people who did me wrong
Hahaha i don't want to be a masochist too but this society force me to do itđ
as introverterd as we are, infjs are highly empathetic. we NEED and CRAVE interactions (which also why ppl can wrongly assume infjs as extroverts). if we have narcissistic parents or amoral friends, we mirror them. we became 'not good' and 'bad things' being normal to us bcs that's all we know. it's not us being masochistic. it's just us trying to function the best we can.
@@wienzard36 true that
The so-called door slam, or the more accurate "you are dead to me" is anything but brutal. In fact, in a very real way it is merciful.
When the INFJ reaches this point it is after extensive deep evaluation of a person, situation or relationship with deeper insights into what motivates people than most can grasp. Coupled with the empathic abilities, when the INFJ reaches this point the person they ghost is actually getting off easy - because a true INFJ has such deep understandings about an examined individual that they can tell you devastating things about yourself..things that most people couldn't handle because they are true.
And sometimes the INFJ will walk away from you rather than have it out with you, because they know you more than likely may be told things that would possibly damage you as a person. Things that are terrible - largely because they are true. They're not looking to harm anyone and certainly don't want the conflict, so the door is closed, and the key is turned in order to close the path from that previous possibility.
They have created a fork in the path of their life and they have now embarked on a different Road .
And they have the power to do this because of a particular ability that most people don't have.. the ability to be alone.
They don't fear isolation like most of the world does and in fact many thrive in that environment.
To many INFJ's they don't fear the so-called "dark" of aloneness...because to them there is discovery and creativity awaiting there. So this is not so much a door slam as it is a thought through decision, a preference, that came after a time of evaluation.
The results are in and they move on.
wow
someone put it in words lol
Yes perfect
And then the egomaniac narcissist enters the picture, and in all his genius can't seem to understand he is trying to charm a cobra. He will be warned multiple times. He will be told the evidence and ammo against him. He will be told that if he forces you to choose between yourself and him that you will, eventually and very painfully, choose yourself. But he won't stop. He knows that your peace of mind and need for solitude keeps you balanced, so he does everything in his power to intrude, and infringe upon you in any way possible. He hates that you can be alone and he is a whore to attention. He hates that his abuse and rape did not break you enough. He is pissed that your own children revealed his sadistic debauchery, and cannot afford to let you process it, because letting you find balance is a bad idea.
What he doesn't count on is the strength of your beliefs, and how you have nurtured and fed them your whole life, through molestation, rape as a teenager, abandonment by your dad, and being beaten like a dog as a young adult. He doesn't know that you preserved your ability to love at all costs. He can't even imagine the depth and breadth of your convictions. He has only seen the wishy-washy part of you that made excuses, forgave, and gave concessions out of love. Then you tell him, "remember when you were my self-defense teacher? You taught me that if I am ever in a fight, once I start hitting, don't stop until the motherfucker is down."
He forgot about that. It was so many years ago. But you didn't forget. It is part of your life's Big Picture. And all he can say is, "fuck you," when he realizes that you learned more from him than he could ever learn from anybody. And that is the INFJ gift. We learn, digest, absorb, and incorporate all the little shards of meaning from every little experience. Then, just when they think they have us on lock, boom! Not so fast. A lot of bad people get away with a lot of bad shit with INFJs. But the best thing they can hope for is to let us go away. If they don't, well, I'm not sure what happens. I haven't been pushed across that threshold yet, yet.
Patriot77
Hit the nail right on the head. I can't hurt anyone like that, so I am the bad guy, and I accept it. It is easier on me to do it that way.
Right. Not a door slam, but when Iâm done with something or someone, Iâm done. Takes a lot to get me there, though. đđ»đđ»
Steven Bakos Surgically removing a piece of you, ghost pain, but it will br forever someone invisible, if this person burned all the infinite forgiveness of any INFJ. Imagine what happens when this "person" is your whole surroundings... Very bad feeling. But usually people try to come back, call you an a.hole, hate you and think you're too cruel, but in the truth, they are all just hypocritically ignoring their part and all the wounds you keep hidden inside yourself.
I think the destructive side of infjs start from here. When they hold so many wounds inside them that or they harm themselves or they harm all the world.
Exactly me. I have a very long fuse but when I get to the end of it, it's *done*.
It actually takes me 3 significative situations. If that person steps upon my beliefs or disrespects me for more than 3 times, then he's out.
I speak my mind out the first 2 times, though. Hereupon I doorslam.
My weak point is definitely my high principles and unbreakable values.
It seems a lot of times I overlook about 5 -the 5th action they do is obvious to others as well as to me that it is totally unacceptable, escalated, disrespectful behavior. You have great points. I think by the 5th action itâs proof to me that itâs bad enough and ok to do it. Thatâs cool how you made me think about this subject!
Ditto. Takes a lot to get me there too, but when I'm done, I'm pretty much done.
This is so accurate... Before I never understood how I could be so open-minded, so neutral, seeing everything in gray... And then suddenly making a very strict, black and white type of decision. I guess it's an INFJ defense mechanism against Analysis paralysis
Yeah, itâs also a normal human psychological function to go from a place of grays to a place of black and white when we first experience a loss. All humans naturally do it and have to find their way back to the grays in order to fully grieve. Psychoanalytical theory đ
Lol ikr đ€Ł I find comfort in reading all the comments lol, we sure are an interesting bunch.
YES OMG I FEEL SO UNDERSTOOD
I'm actually proud of this quality.
I did this with my brother. After years of putting up with his verbal abuse and selfish ways. I reached the end of my rope when he insulted my son. So I blocked him on all platforms. Months later saw him at my uncles funeral and he gave me a hug, I gave him a lift back to the city, he said thank you, I said you're welcome. But its been another year and he is still blocked.
I think infj give chances until being tolerant is completely illogical and unbearable. "If I can be kind, considerate and tolerant then why can't you?"
(Btw, you crack me up)
Do keep in mind, though, that we're also emotionally greedy, needy, and idealistic. When someone doesn't speak the same "love language" as us, we tend to get aggravated but, really, they just don't communicate on the same wavelength. And that's fine - we need to try to listen rather than impose our own ideals. I find myself doing the latter a lot, and it's because I have that INFJ mold of a perfect relationship.
âWe value what they value over what we naturally valueâ
Couldnât have said it better myself
No the truly miserable part is that we donât even want to do it in the first place.
For me, INFJ brutality means I'm no longer going to absorb/match someone's emotions or expend any effort to share things about myself. Deciding not to interact with someone at a 100% deep level anymore FEELS like the harshest thing possible (wow, vanity), and it's funny because that's how non-INFJs treat everyone except their spouses and closest friends all the time, right?
Exactly
This reminds me of a story I read about a dog and a child. The child was attacked by the dog and the dog was put to sleep for it. However when they examined the dog afterwards, they found 22 staples in his ear. The child had stapled the dog 22 times before it attacked the child. The dog was fine for 21 staples. The 22nd staple just was the point where the dog had enough and attacked. Just like the INFJ lashes out and decides that the person hurting the INFJ is no longer a person they want in their lives, that it's a person that was never a person that they'd wanted in their lives, a person that is not dead to them (even tho they wished it could be different). Idk, maybe I'm just rambling, but I see the connection and metafor haha
21 staples..
Thatâs as many as three sevens.
Agreed. Oddl6benough, I took 21 years of shit from my ex and divorced her in year 22.
"INFJs & INFPs are on the nice spectrum" - Yeah, we sure are, until we're not. :)
My sister says "You're sweet, until you're scary!"
LOL LOL LOL. Right...
âwe just drag things on way too longâ
âeven in our misery we still see the other side of itâ
wow. this has happened to me so many times. not only in relationships but on other aspects of life too. i canât bring myself to end something that is not good for me. there might still be something good, something to be learnt.
i am actively trying to grow and learn. gotta try and be proud of that while figuring things out.
Yep!
Right?!
Fellow INFJ, here :) One of the most important things for me, in all of my relationships, is to be understood. I find that when I am consistently misunderstood, whether if itâs by a romantic partner or a friend, eventually, I have to cut ties and sometimes slam the door. I have only done this a few times and it was because the people were accusing me of being something that I wasnât. For me, cutting someone off emotionally who has not made the effort (or taken the time) to truly get to know me is not deserving of my time or my gifts.
YES. YES. YES. I need, no, I crave deep undertanding in a relationship, and when I can't get that then boom *doorslam* Because as Florence Given said "Don't settle for crumbs when you deserve the whole damn cake"
so true.
Same issue here
đŻ!!!!!
Good luck with that. I'm 61 and believe no one understands me and no one ever will. Fellow INFJs excluded, of course.
I am an INFJ and I have never met another INFJ in real life.
INFJs depth is unmatchable and is rare
Every time I âdoorslammedâ I realized that I had been compromising too much in the friendship to begin with. I had chosen friends who didnât really get the depth and complexity of my inner world and couldnât relate to half the topics I was interested in.
As an INFJ itâs simply not that easy to find people who "get you", and the really inspiring, smart, creative, confident people tend to scare you if you have self worth issues. So you spend time with people whoâs company doesnât really inspire you and if they have an antenna for that they start resenting you after a while. So the end of the friendship is already preprogrammed in a way.
In my experience the only possible solution is to resolve your own self worth issues and to connect with people who really inspire you. Still working on it myself.
omalila Yes! This.
omalila Damn, well said. I need to work on this too.
Well said!!
But what if you door slam after only one mistake? That's my experience with INFJs.
omalila...how well you described what a door slam really is! We are so hard to get, it is very hard to find like minded people.
âI would be brutal, I wouldnât be pettyâ, my entire existence
"We see so many shades of gray that we are able to more easily justify keeping a person around when they seem to not really offer as much." You know me!
"not physically harming another person but you're maybe...emotionally...distroying them."
đ
It is not brutal at all! The INFJ only does the door slam after long, long assessment and evaluation! What is brutal, however, is how long the INFJ will put up with the kind of nonsense that is soul-destroying! In other words, the destruction of the soul is something we put up with, for weeks, or months, or decades. When it comes to the point of where the chipping away at the center of our being is simply too much - that is when we do it! So, not brutality at all - merely a healthy sense of self-preservation that finally asserts itself!
It is so sweet when the pain finally stops - or rather, when we have stopped the pain! And then - phew, we are done - permanently!
Elise Kuby Absolutely agree!
Elise Kuby its brutal cuz of how the other person feels, i know you wanna word things to feel good about yourself but thats not a good way to use words. It is brutal, dont twist language around for ego.
I agree. We will put up with a lot of bullshit to keep the sanctity of a relationship alive.
Elise Kuby / well said
amen
Todd, INFJ: I would say door slam is accurate but I would also lock the door.
I think in a lot of ways the lead up to a door slam is like the process of not realizing you've been slowly drowning. You wake up one day with the knowledge you'll die if you don't immediately surface. And once you breathe actual air and remember how it feels you can't make yourself submerge again.
My door slams come in levels. Quick Nap, Strategic Withdraw, Full Retreat, Penalty Box, Cutting Room Floor, and Fallout Shelter. Either way I'm a dot, I'm gone. Just depends on how long.
I'm a INFJ door slammer. And, I have a definite look, glare, stare that says a person has done something so stupid it doesn't warrant a response from me. In staff meetings, it's not a good sign when I've gone silent.
Forgive them, they know not what they do....
@@peggyesterhuizen4207 After 28 years, yeeah... they ought to know by now, in my case.
No reason why I should 'feel bad.'
The silence means theyâre already dead to us... like thereâs no point in responding because weâve completely numbed to them emotionally
@@mikaelapierce1819 the good news is no one gives a shit what you think.
Listen to how proud you sound to completely disregard another human being. Itâs like you relish in it. Youâre just waiting for an excuse to commit evil.
Pathetic.
"Now ur just somebody that i used ta know"
Gotye got a taste of INFJ Brutality. I have been thinking of that song ever since I found out that I am INFJ-T 2 months ago. đ
đđđđ
Rebekah Scheible some bodyyyyyyyyy
I love this song!
I like this song hahahahaha
I door slam when reciprocity dies. When someone starts to devalue, ignore texts and changes patterns that proved friendship and interest then Iâm out. Everyone knows how to treat someone right. No need for a heart to heart talk- door slam says way more
Frighteningly accurate. I think a large part of the decision to shut them off this way is the realization they are incapable of learning or changing the unacceptable behavior. Usually there's a process and a series of actions, there were (usually) some talks and moments of emotional explosions before the "door slam" happens. There's no need to explain it to them again as they clearly aren't getting it. Hopefully they'll figure it out and do better in the future, with someone else. But they probably never will or we would have reached them before hand, which is why the door is closed now. Forever.
That was a perfect description and exactly what I was thinking. When INFJs form bonds there is an open, emotional conduit between them. How else do they cut it off? I don't think INFJs know how to reduce or regulate the flow, so the only alternative is shut it off completely.
That's why people get so upset. They were basking in the feel goods of INFJ caretaking and now it's gone. Do they really miss the INFJ as a person? Or just what they sponged off them?
Also when INFJs do the slam, they are just mirroring how they feel they have been treated by the other person. To open yourself up so completely and give so much of yourself only to be treated like you're insignificant deserves nothing less than brutality.
Dayum to the tee
Wow that's just exactly what it is! How did you manage to perfectly describe it?! I am impressed really đ
@@ahlambeyoud1709Sadly I guess I've experienced it a lot. đ
Perfect way to say it!
Omg exactly! You explained it so well. Half the time I think most folks only miss what I gave them rather than actually valuing me as a person. That truth hurts but itâs a truth nonetheless
I stayed SIX YEARS in a relationship with the "This is fine" attitude...we haven't talked at all since he broke up with me (the night before my b-day, through whatsapp), after a month he came back and I literally said "I don't miss you" and he called me a brutal bitch. We are dead to each other, or at least he is "dead" to me. (INFJ-T here of course)
*To others INFJs...run like the wind from the "This is fine" place*
Yea. I need to get all the way, away from my surrogate. I tried to stay around because I help pay some bills for she wonât(I mean her boyfriend) wouldnât have to pay all the bills by his self. I but the other day she said she didnât need me. So I been looking at apartments. Deleted all the social media, and changing my number ASAP
No. Negative Vibes
I've come to realize I've been doing it my whole life, ever since I was a child. Just cutting off connections I have no interest any longer, or that harm me in anyway. I consider myself to be a kind person, and very warm to those I like, but when I ghost people that's when I'm usually accused of being cold-hearted.
That can explain why I've always had very few friends in my social circle, very picky, and if you no longer have value to me, then we're done.
Know the feels. From another INFJ-T
@@momokat4082 donât worry Iâm positive the people you are out of your life are just as happy to be rid of you.
When you're an infj and a scorpio. I often do this. Pretty accurate.
Omg I completely agreeeee! - Fellow INFJ and Scorpio
I've done this so much that now I've got zero friends
I gently shut the door, lock it and tenderly let the door key sink into a beautiful serene body of water miles away!
I cut my friend out of my life after he lied, went behind my back and continued making advances on my girlfriend. Eventually she left me for him. My (our) friend group verbally sympathized with me but told me to âbe civil with him or fuck offâ so I cut them out too. It took me over 4.5 months to reach that decision and has made my life all the better.
I gave them all countless chances to do right by me until I realized i kept giving them chances to prove me wrong and I was only sacrificing myself. Definitely sounds to me like a door slam and I move forward with the understanding Iâve made space for something far better in my life!
I did the same when my husband's betrayals came to light. Only two friends, a married couple, did what I expected and completely cut him off. I tried with others, but nobody would even look at the evidence I had over his lies about me, and even my neighbors who made a point of saying they believe me (because the asshole raped me!), but they still chatted with him in the driveway. To me, as an INFJ, that is unacceptable. It is gross. Don't tell me you believe me that my husband raped me, refuse to even look at the text where he apologized for doing that, and then think it's ok to still be friends. Maybe it is the idealism. But I don't want to be friends with men who rape their wives. I cut my sister off for way less shit than that.
I don't feel badly about it either. I will expect the same loyalty and ethics in others that I am willing to live by myself. No more. No less. It has taken nearly 50 years for me to realize that what I offer as a friend and family member is valuable as hell. I have cried and wished so hard I had a friend that was like me, someone willing to look at hideous shit no matter how badly it sucks, and also willing to stand by their ethical claims in action. As far as I am concerned, all that small-talk, and petty bullshit most people take part in is bullshit. I was a Crossfit coach before my downfall, and if I could have a "me" from that time, to push me and build me back up, I would be a lot better off right now. But I guess it is true that we are rare.
Martick05545 you did the right thing. They werenât being fair to you.
Lets jump all of them
Sounds like a necessary door slam
Shit bro, similar thing happened to me, I cut all the people from the circle from a recent "doorslam" the one ahole assaulted me at his wedding, and when I privately attempted to deal w him plus my husband he turned around and called for help to "clear his name"... everyone joined in bashing me, as I had anticipated even my BBF whose kids I took care of for 4 years, THEY acting like my no contact was so cruel and harsh... yeah no, people who stand with a rapist against an assault victim have no sympathy from me. It's out and moving on. I dont waste time wanting revenge karma got their justice ready.
I door slammed a friend of ten years recently over something that people may view as petty but it was a last resort after years of witnessing toxic, thoughtless, crude, and callous behavior in her. I made so many rationalizations to excuse it because she was going through trauma of her own, but one day it became too ridiculous, too much and I ceased all contact. I donât even feel anything. Itâs like she never existed and Iâm completely emotionally at peace.
She reached out a few months later wanting to be friends again but I ignored that as well. Iâve noticed that because of INFJâs kind nature, those who get doorslammed tend to always come crawling back wanting forgiveness or connection again but we wonât give it. Once youâre dead to us, youâre dead to us.
And itâs not even that my world view suddenly goes to black and white or that Iâm trying to exert power or control in the situation by door slamming, itâs just that by the time Iâve reached that point Iâve made up my mind that if the toxicity in this person is rooted so deep in their being and itâs just inherently who they are as a human being, thereâs no turning my opinion back around from that. INFJâs know that we are perceptive and we believe our perception because itâs usually always right.
You seem to be too unforgiving of her flaws. We all have flaws and so do you. So who are you to judge someone else for theirs?
â@@user-qu6xp3jq4cit's alright to have flaws but others flaws are not your problem to deal with sometimes you just have to let go (as they explained in their comment it's not that they're judging them it's about how they have tolerated a person's flaw that is harmful for their mental health so they had to let go and move on for their on sake)
I have always had the ability to look right through people, like they didn't exist. I'm aware they are there but they recieve nothing from me, no expression, no emotion, nada. You do me wrong we are done. PERIOD
my therapist says my extroverted feeling and inverted intuition is a blessing and a curse. we are able to perceive things others canât, but because we are the only who CAN we are burdened with the knowledge.
also, we canât feel things half way. there is either no opinion, or the strongest opinion. 0% or 100%. âstep all over me, yeah. this is fineâ or âyouâre dead to meâ. i wish i knew how to not be so extreme.
Great explanation.
I have always thought of the 'door slam' as a last resort survival mechanism. You reach a point at which you cannot empathise any more, because if you do your own sanity is at risk.
The door slam is the statement of ' I have had enough, I am taking back control!!'
And you are right...it is a brutal form of self protection, that typically is not understood by others because we keep forgiving them for so long. Often what they don't realise is that we never forget.
"When kicking the unworthy to the curb, kick correctly lest they bounce back to you." ~ Anonymous
Sarah Collins It's just the last straw on the camel's back. After taking their brutality for decades sometimes, we finally have enough. Why are they surprised? That we didn't wise up sooner?
Recovering Soul exactly
You're so right!
Sarah Collins and often as INFJs our boundary setting to the offensive behaviour is so suddle and soft (but feels huge to us) that the other person doesnât even notice so by the time we are fed up enough to leave forever they feel blindsided and confused,they donât understand why we have disappeared. Iâm convinced the key to this is :
1.) knowing your boundaries
2.) setting them respectfully but forcefully and just sucking up how uncomfortable that feels
3.) learning to identify the types of people that are actually bad fir you very quickly and not forming relationships with them to begin with.
What do you think about that? Do you think that would work for other people too?
Without warning? I can guarantee that they were given more than fair warning.
Lol right
100% right. Iâm an INFJ. Iâve done this with a âbest friendâ three times. Iâve done it to two intimate relationships. I had no idea this existed! đ€Ż
I did it to my sister! Granted, she is bipolar, and has refused to take medication for 23 years(since diagnosis), and much of her anger was taken out on me. But I still felt like something was wrong with me(as if I donât care about family), and have had to rationalize many times why I did it.
@@katieandnick4113 Well, so much for the 'compassionate' image of INFJs.
I can be an absolute prick when overwhelmed by stress!
Anthony Bogart đ
Anthony Bogart That part of his personality is called being a prick, sorry.
If I verbally abuse someone out of hurt or anger itâs BRUTAL. Horrible.I sometimes donât even know where the words come from or remember saying them. And yes I can just walk away..without thought. The powerless feeling is real. Sadly, sometimes, when I burn the bridge I enjoy it đŹYes, the dog was me, now I just smell smoke and run talking the coffee with me..đ€·đ»ââïž
Dont have to be infj to be one
as all the humans would be.
i did this to two people this year. i catch myself still feeling bad months after the fact, but i couldnt take the disrespect anymore
I did this 2 years ago and I still miss them and somehow justify all the shit they put me through. I keep contemplating whether we should get back but you know what the disrespect is too much and people like them don't change so its better to leave them alone and live our best lives of self-improvement and healthy relationships
Haha, only 2? NPD is an epidemic far more dangerous than COVID and I have zero tolerance for narciness or abuse on any level. So, as soon as they confirm who they really are I ghost em. I think probably 4 or 5 this year so far. No regrets, other than maybe tolerating too much for too long.
Don't feel bad. If they don't respect you, they don't deserve your respect.
Just 2? Lucky you.
@@aadnyc01 5 more this year
maturing as an infj, the door slam becomes "i've tried and said everything, there's nothing left to do" thus the door slam
I agree with âdoorslamâ being the wrong term. Itâs almost as though the term is there to guilt us into letting shitty back into our lives. This guy is spot on though. It is definitely more of a âsnip snipâ cut them out of our deep and loving heart.
I'm not sure it is really brutality, just decisive. It may feel brutal when you're on the receiving end, but I think a lot of the time that's due to lack of awareness. I read recently that the INFJ "door slam" appears so, because for all the time we spend in the grey we are processing our feelings. So when it's over there isn't any more processing or conversation that needs to happen-it's just over. I don't feel bad when I am done, because I know I gave things much more energy than I probably should have. The only thing is that I may not have said much while the process was happening, and that's where it feels brutal on the receiving end. But again, awareness of oneself.
Of which you obviously have none if youâre so busy being self righteous enough to act like people are dead to you.
Maybe they are glad youâre gone. Ever think about that, your holiness?
So many people have ghosted my feelings... Therefore, I ghosted them completely. We don't get sick kicks from doing this. It's just how we INFJ's are wired.
Iâve come back to this video again and again at different times of my life because it resonates so well. Years of gray followed by an abrupt door slam is a cycle that I wish I knew how to break out of. I know it could be achieved by asserting boundaries sooner in relationships, but I have such a deep desire to trust people that I end up giving them too much respect and leeway, which ultimately leads to me have to reassert control in a very final and brutal way.
Man, you may never see this but one way to do this is expressing / speaking up when you are hurt. The right ones will make it up to you, the wrong ones wont care. This is how you know who to keep and who to let go of. Also please I hope you see this cause I am absolutely proud that you realise that this course of action is actually toxic and causes more harm than good. I will you all the best đ
Frank: "I'm a grey thinker"
Me: *sees his black tie*
"LIES, DECEPTIONS"
Self survival may be brutal, but sometimes it's you or them. I know who I choose, and i know why. Slam it.
Thank you! đ
Slam it Ruth! As I've gotten older I've noticed it's neccessary. It's me or you once you put me in that position.
@@tiffjay4731 Totally agree! I have to put myself first,and when someone's hurt me over and over again it's definitely a must that I slam that door.
Exactly!!
Hard to slam doors at family members' faces :( unfortunately
"I would be BRUTAL...I wouldn't be petty." đŻ
"A string running from your heart to theirs.." Jane Eyre, anyone?!?!
I recently had to slam the door on a narcissistic boss after nearly five years of trying to make that pathetic job work. Brutal.
Totally relatable. I agree we give people too many chances before we door slam. I laughed out loud at the comic analogy. He was definitely an INFJ!!! Thanks for the video.
I've been emotionally exhausted lately and I've noticed I'm not nearly as nice as I was before I got to this point. I also have much less tolerance for BS and am more likely to slam the door so to speak.
andyawe13 I almost think being too emotionally exhausted to put out someone else's fires all the time is a blessing of self protection in disguise.
I've re-connected with a friend I cut ties with but ultimately it was me who apologized again. I wasn't so sure about if I was big too demanding or if they were just so selfish and uncompromising but I've also realized I've become less nice than before all this mess. I wish there was a way to get close again and get that same level of niceness
I feel more powerful now that I can be a little more assertive, even mean sometimes.
I just recently told a co- worker who I considered a friend, albeit a wishy-washy one, that I am done w her & we spend 40 hrs a week in the same office space.
My boss likes to try to keep the females from jumping on each other & insists that we at least say good morning & I told her I would not & have not. Lol. Itâs been months..
And yes someone mentioned low tolerance, that is so me. I just canât.
Hello Frank, I am an INJT lady and my sweet sister is an INFJ. We both have implemented the 'door slam'. It is a last resort when we are forced to interact with brutal people. People who harm us emotionally and don't care. You try talking to them, letting them know that you are hurting each time they do such and such. They are people who invade your personal space like a bull in a china shop. They cut you with remarks, actions and insinuations. I know that I am an HSP (as is my sister). We get to the point where we have to protect ourselves for our own well being and sanity. As you know, the door slam is not done with glee. There's even a bit of grief when it happens. I've had to do it with two of my relatives because I honestly felt they have some sort of personality disorder and are unwilling or unable to change. Being relatives, they are in a position to put pressure on my weak spots. Just for the hell of it. To see me squirm. I don't need to be reminded of my frailties. So in my mind I compartmentalize them in a space labeled 'gone'. Not sure why it is so easy to disavow their relevance in my mind. My ESTJ husband occasionally pushes me to reconnect, being all traditional and family oriented as he is. When he does that something in my mind resists. I have a visceral reaction. I feel revulsion and fear. He doesn't understand. To him my reaction is cold and heartless. But I'm not really... I'm scared. But anyway, that is my 2 cents worth.
The hardest part of the door slam for me is when you realize logically that theyâre hurting you, but you value the emotional connection you have, and you donât want to point out the problems like you always have to even though you take the time understand theirâs so much that they donât even have to bring them up, so you identify the problem and just expect them to figure it out. You hold on to this standard that theyâll be as emotionally attentive as you are but they just arenât, so you find yourself constantly disappointed that they canât see how theyâre hurting you. This frustration and anger builds up more and more leading up to the door slam. Itâs so emotionally exhausting and as you hold out for them to realize theyâve been a bad friend (or at least thatâs how youâve begun to see them) more and more problems like up and itâs so so draining that you eventually stop trying to have empathy for this person. As you try to rationalize this new found anger towards this person and emotionally prepare yourself you still hold on to the hope that theyâll realize that theyâve been doing something wrong and they never do, because we donât explain it to them. And at a certain point we donât want to, because they wonât listen and itâs not worth it, so we just let it eat away at us and fuel our anger until we cut them off. This has always been the most challenging part of a door slam for me.
It really sucks to be on the receiving end of this brutal abuse
I've cut people out of my life and haven't thought about it since. It wasn't unwarranted though and it took a while for me to get there. They were surprised but if they had been paying attention they shouldn't have been. After a certain point there's only so much crap a person can take from someone else.
pamelam4 I could have written the same thing
This whole 'doorslam' concept is infamous when it shouldn't be. All the types do this. All people cut other people out of their lives who are too destructive or abusive or selfish. But INFJs get shit for it because of all the types, we understand you the most, so like he says, we let things go on for far too long. And selfish, immature, thoughtless people take that for granted (like everything else) and they start to assume it doesn't matter what they do, because INFJ will always rationalize their behavior and forgive them, and never leave.
But they're wrong.
We're kind. We're not morons.
pamelam4 they can't.
pamelam4
I was the INTP who pushed the INFJ. I guess I just have to deal with it. She tried to get through to me, but I just too shy & didnât know what to do with the kindness she was showing me. So I pushed her away again and again, and now sheâs done, understandably. But you live and you learn, I guess. (Sorry if Iâm over sharing)
pamelam4
I was the INTP who pushed the INFJ. I guess I just have to deal with it. She tried to get through to me, but I just too shy & didnât know what to do with the kindness she was showing me. So I pushed her away again and again, and now sheâs done, understandably. But you live and you learn, I guess. (Sorry if Iâm over sharing)
I once tried to describe to someone that I felt like I mourned the loss of a relationship of mine before I actually ended it, and I felt like they couldnât really understand that. Really good to hear that phrase in this video.
Exactly. You mourn the loss of the relationship because you know it's coming to an end, then when you do get out and you're calm, everyone thinks you're heartless for "not caring." I cared when I was trying to fix the relationship, I cared when I saw everything was falling apart and so was I, but when I decided to leave, I was all out of caring. And when I did leave, I was glad.
People kept telling me about not giving up or that I didn't put enough work in to fix the relationship instead of throwing it away, but what is wrong with people who only care about a relationship when the other person leaves? Why was I expected to stay with a man through thick and thin if he wasn't going to love me? And to fix him if he wasn't willing to fix himself, and expected my entire person and identity to revolve around his whims, and to sacrifice my life to make him look good?
Maybe for some people the title "relationship" is enough without any actual connection, but if I will not be loved, I will not be staying. It's as simple as that.
Same! Watching this video brought me back to how I felt when I broke off a relationship. I was a nervous wreck and emotional while together but once I had made up my mind it was nothing but relief. I had done all my mourning ahead of time and by the time it was done I was over it
Oh my gosh. Yes! I knew my last relationship was going to end before it did. Cried like hell. By the time he pulled the plug, I didn't cry. I was all cried out. It was almost a relief.
I'm INFJ and have door slammed a few times for MY own sanity and self respect.
For me, it's cutting of energetic ties as well.
Iâve cut so many people out of my life for betraying my trust....
I put up with a lot but at a certain point I just stop
I feel like I do this to people who have made me feel like I don't exist. Then out of nowhere your so tired of feeling the pain of being left out or on the outside you just cut them off completely. Just so you never have to feel that pain again. I think we do it to protect ourselves.
brittyb300 Amen! I def do it out of self preservation!
Iâm an ENTP who wanted to learn more about the supposed âdoor slamâ bc I couldnât imagine an INFJ being brutal đ
Iâd be more scare of pissing off an INFJ than a narcissist tbh đ
I was in love with an ENTP, she was so confident I would never leave her and started treating me more poorly every day. I can't say it wasn't somewhat my fault, because I let her mistreat me and still was super kind, but one day I was just done and suddenly cut her off.
In my pov it wasn't that much brutal, bc i don't even think she really cared about me. But the point is, we're (speaking for myself) usually nice to the people we like, so i understand the confusion.
This phrase has helped me become better at enforcing boundaries *_"that might explain but it doesn't excuse"_* .. So like we might be able to understand the other person's perspective but we need to remind ourself it still doesn't excuse their bad behaviour
There's an eventual peace that comes with this though. We create our own closure because by the time we get to the point of "brutality," every opportunity has be granted for changes to be made; there are no excuses or explanations or apologies needed because they are meaningless at that point.
It is like telling a person repeatedly that you are drowning, and they keep LETTING you sink, then when you finally hit the bottom and manage to find the surface again, you swim away and THEN they want to help you. It is too late.
When I am done, it is quietly and without drama. All avenues of communication get blocked because I've decided that protecting myself means more than being there as a safety net for someone who never really appreciated it anyway.
Ever since I cut the cord and changed my name on FB, it's been bliss.
Wow, that drowning analogy perfectly describes how I felt after years of abuse from my ex. Any time I found the strength to leave, he would swoop in to get me back and tell me heâs changed. It was like a roller coaster from hell, until I finally got off.
I've done this when I've been emotionally invested in someone, often not by choice, only to find that the same level of emotional investment isn't reciprocated. You do feel like you've 'lost your power', and hanging with that person, you feel drained and 'wrong.' To stop that energy deprecation, and the feeling of no reciprocation + mutual understanding, the door slam is predominantly for myself to, as you mentioned, 'assert my own power.' It's not needed, it's necessary for existence.
No, not loss of power, instantly FULL of power. Instantly clarity, immediate understanding of the toxic, and futile. Clear it out now.
Iâve been betrayed so many times in life by people Iâve trusted a lot. Most people are so limited in their thinking, selfish, narcissistic and shallow. I put up with their petty self-centred and narcissistic ways for a long time and then eventually Iâm done. The balance gets tipped and thereâs NO coming back from that. I have a good nature and I donât actually like holding life-long grudges. But I have to keep reminding myself not to forgive & forget because theyâll just keep doing what they did, over & over. A leopard doesnât change itâs spots.
âDid you know, thereâs a deleted scene in hamlet...â đđđđŒ gold
50 Shades of INFJ.
I think your observations are on point. Most INFJs seem to be willing to put up with a lot of abuse before getting to the point where enough is enough.
At the end of the day, a clean break is usually better for your own self worth than a death of a thousand cuts. Being the instigator of the break also at least gives you the comforting feeling of taking a god damned decision for once instead of just being miserable yet feeling "this is fine".
The "brutality" with which we enact the break in such a situation is also more often than not a mercy killing than an act of willful aggression - we've seen the end coming for a while through our intuition, so we might as well just flick the switch and let the patient die, instead of letting it endure a life of misery on one-sided life support.
I think INFJâs can be scared of their own emotions that come with redefining a relationship. So they subconsciously (or maybe consciously) start the grieving process in their head... well before anyone has any idea. By the time they have âslammed the doorâ or cut ties they have already dealt with their emotions. Their emotions that are wild, scary and out of control. This makes INFJâs feel like they are writing the rules and are in control of the situation.
When You said the words âyour dead to meâ Seri popped up with âI wonât respond to thatâ.
I think the infj door slam can be given a negative connotation by others who don't understand or value the infj perspective. The door slam is is not a negative thing for an infj. It is a healthy and necessary protection for us. If you are not an infj it is simply not necessary and some can perceive it as being mean. Infj's try far to long, giving and trying to fix a relationship and can damage themselves by being more available than is appropriate. It really is more about realizing the other person is unwilling or unable to work at fixing damaged connections and that the relationship is not salvageable.
With this realization the infj logically moves on confident that closing the door on this relationship may be painful but is unavoidable. We've been honest in communicating our feelings, understand it is pointless to continue and have the closure we need.
EXACTLY! Perfectly put. Recently had this experience with my mom đ I've been trying for years and years but it's pointless and I've realized that now for the last couple years. She's very toxic and basically said that my boundaries (me distancing myself from her) were hurting her boundaries, that I was invalidating her, and basically abusing her for putting some distance between us so that we don't continue such a toxic cycle... Some people will never get it and will make you out to be the meanie-pants because they have the complete lack of ability to take responsibility for their own actions and mistakes. I have no qualms with mercilessly cutting people out of my life now (whereas I did before I wisened up) if need be. Even my blood related family members. If you don't respect me and treat me decently then why should I give you any power in my life???
Belladress, that was an excellent explanation.
AMEN!
But what if only one mistake or miscommunication was made? Other types like myself, an ENFP, see you INFJs as having too little patience or grace. Meaning one mistake = burned bridge.
Matthew Blom What you see as ONLY one mistake may be a thousand mistakes to an INFJ. You fail to see the other 999. They didnât even register to the person who made them. But the INFJ lived through them, made explanations for them, forgave them, endured more, tried to compromise with, forgave more, endured more- but eventually the INFJ realizes that the other person never recognized the 999 things. And this 1 thing is just the straw that broke the camelâs back. And the relationship will never improve because the other person never got it, never will get it. Itâs best to rip the bandaid. Doorslams are never based on one incident. But one incident will be the breaking point.
Its like
When infj reach the point of no return, the other person is taken off balance without warning.
But drawing nearer to black has been happening for infj all along.
Saying i never knew you to another after years of relating is the most final boundry
I just doorslammed a friend that I knew since kindergarden.
I was surprised at myself, I had no emotion, almost like a machine.
I told him you are nothing to me now, just a guy.
I escorted him to a bus, didnt say a word until the bus came.
Shook his hand firmly for the last time, and said "Good bye."
That was so dramatic.
@@timefortee If i was tilted just a bit more, I was ready to show him hell on earth. lol and plus, if you are an INFJ you know our lives are full of unwanted drama.
@@johnnyyoonifier4657 I'm proud of your patience đŒđđ
I'm an INFJ, and how many times have I said to someone "being mean hurts, but ignorance kills."
I've done the door slam more than once in my life along with an abrupt move out- I would just leave people with their jaws hanging down on the floor bec they never thought I'd move out or leave. And yes, I have a box in my head that I shove them in and throw the keys away.
Very much so
So true!
Isn't it shocking how they never think we will do it? My husband was so shocked I thought he might have a heart attack. Yet, I warned him for nearly three years. Duh.
Yup!
I have a port. Where I ship them all off form.
wow you hit the nail on the head! I always hold on too long, but when I'm done it's always some brutal permanent exit.
Our boy FJ has had a massive glow-up in the last couple of years.
It's simply because they've taken advantage of our patience too long and we were genuinely and sincerely waiting for them to acknowledge our perspective eventually as we have theirs all that time. When we realize that that day did not only not come, but we waited even after it never came, we feel like it's become too obvious that they've never seen us or cared and so we just flip it around to not seeing them and caring anymore.
Ps. And what makes it brutal is that they never would expect something like that from a sweet soul that understood and tolerated so much and we know that.
Just last week I had to slam the door on a friendship I've had since 8th grade. For me the door was incrementally closing over the past few years but I suppose being an INFJ, my feelings were never externalized until, like you said, the other person was dead to me. The other party was completely unaware (unconscious, ego-based) that I was getting ready to slam that door and was completely stunned. The lesson for me is to be better at exerting my own needs early on so that I don't prolong a toxic relationship. Thanks Frank.
This is probably the only reason people are shocked by an 'INFJ doorslam'. It's because of their ego. The relationship has been all about what they want, what they need, how they feel, that INFJ isn't even part of it anymore. And if people recognize that, it's a very natural progression, from not being treated like you're an essential part of the friendship; to ending it. But it's also the reason they never see it coming.
Because /they're/ happy. So everything is fine.
exactly.
Janet Baker sage advise and Iâm doing just that. The friend circle is pretty much depleted and unfortunately the dating pool is in drought status đ.
Sweet . I feel you and I just did this to a 36 year friendship.
Was a lead up.
Nothing too shocking when it kicked in- just brutal logic .
crowechick66 yay drought
I got goosebumps. It's my first time feeling understood đą
In situations like this, I start to get mad, but then all my feelings go blank. I just loose all hope and walk away. I often don't even speak to the person again if I can help it. What's the point?
The problem is the depression. I don't want to over exaggerate but it's like a death. Not the death of the relationship or the other person, but my own inside. I start thinking about strange ways to go.
Thankfully I am not on drugs or alcohol. I get all my frustrations out via working on my projects and just not relaxing at all. I burn it off in nights of feverish writing and looking around vintage shops for old things to complete the atmosphere.
As an INFP, I slam the door, then apologize.
This may be an INFJ thing, but I never understood why I can't just tell someone they are hurting me, set my boundaries and have them be cool with it. I do that for them. Before any further hurt or anger happens. The close up on the eye "we're supposed to be the kind and understanding one " bullshit line is really over used. You had me laughing at myself. Grieving over the decision to walk away beforehand is so true. I had to tell myself I had the right to be angry and it was healthier to walk away than let it destroy who I am.
I tried once telling a "friend" who I mistakenly assumed would understand but unless THEY are INFJ they won't understand at all. In which case you'd never have to explain in the 1st place âș
@@scotleoqueen704 I think you're right. We dont tell people about where our emotions and boundaries are because the reasoning can be hard to express or sound unjustified (or vague) to other people. So we just keep it to ourselves, knowing they wouldnt understand us, and mainly try to suggest it subtly to them in ways that they may be more able to understand (even subconsciously, which makes us sound manipulative). I think this happens because we understand things in our own world in our mind, and also have the intuition to know others wont fully understand that, and that we can't fully express it.
That's right..It will destroy u, if u stay.. Destroy both...
Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know comes to mind, lol.
Omggg yes no wonder I related to that song even though I've never been in a relationship... đ
I sing it loudly often, poorly.
Perfectly put
You nailed Brutality
They.Cease.To.Exist.