I have to let someone else be in control of our relationship. I've become submissive in my relationships and I don't believe I can be in control even though I need to.
Hi Nero, what's holding you back from taking initiative in your relationships? Are you happy this way, or do you want to change it? I'd be happy to chat privately if you need help, send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and we can talk.
@@AttachmentAdam I made a place for myself in the world by acting like a grownup: basing my behavior on the models and predictions I built from past experiences rather than my idealism. The more I've acted on the facts of how people treat each other in the marketplace the better I've been able to make a living. There was a time I believed more in authentic connection: in my earlier adulthood, when I had fewer responsibilities. I seemed to make some good connections and then we all had to get on with life. Since then I've made some bad situations by "being myself" too freely, and so I think: lesson learned. No use sitting around lamenting that the world won't let me be myself, take on the burden of performing properly so that I can keep a secure base of operation. Not least of this is simply making a living. So, to have the kinds of relationships I thought I wanted, in this stage of my life, is a hypothesis, and not my hypothesis right now: seems more like a delusion sometimes. If I adopt the hypothesis then I have to commit to spend energy testing it... and I've got a lot more to lose now if it proves false.
Hey man! Thanks for explaining all this so good. Been a while since things weren't quite right, probably never were, but was never quite able to figure out what's missing and why I find it hard to relate and connect to people. Also, really connected when you said that classical therapy is kinda failing guys cause it doesn't give actionable answers in the Williamson podcast. Got the book, learned a lot about anxious avoiding behavior, and this gives me a solid start. Keep up the good work, and there's lots of people spinning in endless circles that could really use this info.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I'm glad you found this work so you can get an alternate model that works for you. I'm here if you have any questions at all.
I realized in my 30s recently that I have high functioning autism, but I thought it was only adhd since that was what i was diagnosed with, so now I'm realizing what all of my traits are and I now know why I've struggled so much with women... the problem is is I dont know what to do anymore, I want to be able to approach and communicate in a way that isnt forced and anxious, but I feel like all my life I tried all these different things and I just stay unnoticed, or either I'm not noticing ques I should notice. I can read other people and the steps they take when talking to women from the outside, but I can't do anything that works. I'm pretty sure I have anxious/avoidant attachment, I've had opportunities where women were receptive to me multiple times before, but I only realize that after the fact and didnt notice in the moment. Also I've been in a few relationships, but nothing worked out for long.
I get SO MANY men in my coaching with this exact challenge. The majority of the fix is to simply learn mechanically what women want, what they're looking for, and how to engage and develop a relationship. It really does come down to a system that you likely never learned. Once you have that you can generalize many of the skills into specific situations and learn to adapt. If you'd like to talk about this I invite you to email me at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com
I did send a message through your website support thing, but i assume you get hundreds of responses. I cant really afford paid coaching though, since I'm waiting on a job, so idk what to do
I Exactly think of this problem. It seems trauma revisits on a different connection level or a different neural pattern. My brain thinks about the global impacts that I connect in my relationships and spheres of influence. I consider socially imbedded generational whys of trauma as well, because of intergenerational trauma that has been steeped in, which comes by honestly through grandparents that lived in ground zero of WWII. I really do not feel like I can have control at all. I have a strong appreciation of free will. Bringing down the amygdala response seems to be a part of sel-care as well. I feel that having "off-time" consistent self-care creates a safety net that cushions me when I experience intense situations. I've noticed logic does not seem to access hope: in my voice because the mind concentrates on facts and experiences. Which are past rooted.
Hi Kleanza, great to see you over here! I haven't been as active on TikTok lately because I'm so loaded with clients, webinars, and my community, so it's good to see a familiar face. You are right that generational trauma lingers in us and that managing our response is a huge part of self-care. Keep exploring new self-care options until you have a toolkit that's ready for all situations.
Feel like it gos back to mum and how she never never admitted she was wrong think you could explain that ? The responsibility deflecting of someone with BPD ? Or something else
I feel like I can't talk to people I'm pursuing too much because I was clingy in the past and I'm worried if I talk too much to someone about the things I'm interested or the things that I want to i feel like the person won't like me and will reject me and lose respect for me because that was my experience a lot in Elementary and middle school interacting with girls
A lot of the coaching clients I take on start off feeling this way. But learning to communicate honestly without overwhelming the other person is key to showing them you're the right partner for them.
I don't know how to get rid of trauma from having family and my ex fiancé betray me. TLDR I had a very ugly break up with my ex(who does onlyfans now) and lost my brothers(who keep in close contact with her) and some family members(who have her on Instagram and flirt with her on there). I'm a combat athlete as well so I've learned to numb my emotions to almost non existence. In fact the only time I'm happy at this point is when I train and when I fight. What's the proper first step to take Adam? Thank you I appreciate the help
I am so sorry to hear this. There are some initial steps you've got to take to figure out the right path for you. Send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and let me ask you some personal questions about this situation so we can find you the right place to get started.
I feel like I need people more than they seem to need me. I don't see anything that would make me irreplaceable to them, and If I ask too much from them, they'll leave. A lot of the time I wish they would. I'd rather be alone, and learn how to function by myself, without them, then keep up with whatever this is. What exactly are Trauma Processing groups? Is this just CPT with a person instead of writing it out on a piece of paper? On the second question, I don't find writing out thought processes on a piece of paper particularly difficult or life changing. No more than finishing a homework assignment for school. I'm not sure what people do in those groups. A therapist I was seeing a couple of years ago told me their facility had one, but I'm not sure how you balance out how much detail/what you tell people, and expecting anyone to be helpful. There are a lot of things I don't tell people about, though I have made exceptions. Telling people never changes anything. "Wow, I didn't know about this". Yeah, that was kind of the point of not telling you until now. I don't really trust people, and when i talk about certain topics, I feel overly compelled to go into what is probably excessive detail. There are things I can't trust other people with. The other video was interesting, and a bit difficult to watch.
Hi Kateland, good question. Trauma processing groups are useful for some people to talk out what happened, get reactions from others so they learn what happened was not a normal thing (this is important for some folks), and to then figure out the lessons from the trauma so you don't keep carrying it. These groups are also great places to receive support and connection from other people who will get what you're going through. Finally, you can share things in those groups that might overwhelm the average person, so you have a place to talk through painful events without accidentally stressing your friends. I have a community room like this inside my private group so people can share what's happening and get some perspective and support, it's very helpful for many.
@@AttachmentAdam Hi Kateland I can see I strongly resonate with those thoughts/feelings of needing others more than they need me & the fact I haven't got much family left my friends know they're like family to me & I treat them as such.....to that point I know I am certainly anxiously attached..would love to hear Adam elaborate a little more on those feelings....is that just a aign we need to learn to love ourselves more & give ourselves the love first that we expect from others? @Adam Lane Smith
hey adam i have been watching your videos ever since your chris williamson podcast and i bought your book, ive learned that i have an anxious avoidant attachment style that is negatively impacting my life and is keeping me from meaningful relationships. how do i fix this? do i need in person therapy? is it something i can fix on my own. i am interested in finally dating but im worried my attachement style will ruin it, please help. thanks.
Hey there, glad to connect with you. Since you started my book you've got an idea of how to fix this but it sounds like you need some specific guidance on what next steps to take. Let's talk more in depth, send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and we can figure out the best approach for you.
When an athlete gets injured, they hire a healthcare provider to treat a diagnosis. When they want to overcome a challenge, break a barrier, or learn a skill, they hire a coach. These are two separate areas and must be kept separate.
Hi dude. I think men have multiple micro trauma dayley just the way things work in the world we live in eventually destroying confidence. I think a lot of females have very deep trauma from a life time of being told that the value you have is sex only our civilization tells us all must content competition more more more? No one ever says well I have enough and I won't loving relationships above the stress of living in a world devoid of love. I think men and women would be much happier if they could live out their life I small tribes of people that place value on each other above things maybe50-75 people just understand that after you have your basic needs met for survival what is left but loving relationships is all the trappings of our modern world really worthwhile is you work hard to go home lock yourself in a box with a screen with no real connection to people with skin on. How long before we say f it.
A lot of guys fall for this and it ends up making bed awful for the woman in the long run because it's all a performance instead of a bonding experience.
Hey Adam! I saw you for the first time recently on Jamie Henshaw's channel. I would love to work with you personally to deal with my childhood trauma, which has been making it difficult for me to trust anyone and build strong relationships. My goal is to get married and have a beautiful family. Could you provide me your email? Thanks
I have to let someone else be in control of our relationship. I've become submissive in my relationships and I don't believe I can be in control even though I need to.
Hi Nero, what's holding you back from taking initiative in your relationships? Are you happy this way, or do you want to change it? I'd be happy to chat privately if you need help, send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and we can talk.
Trauma can have a huge impact on our relationships, but Adam Lane Smith's expertise can help us reclaim our joy and fix our attachment style.
Glad to hear you learned the key message!
Hey Adam! New to your channel, absolutely loving your content. Thanks for putting the efford and time, wish you much success. Cheers from 🇧🇷 👍🏻
Hi there, thanks for taking the time to comment! Enjoy the videos and leave comments with whatever questions come up for you as you watch.
11:18 - that hit right on point.
It's a key realization. What does it mean personally for you now that you see it?
@@AttachmentAdam I made a place for myself in the world by acting like a grownup: basing my behavior on the models and predictions I built from past experiences rather than my idealism. The more I've acted on the facts of how people treat each other in the marketplace the better I've been able to make a living. There was a time I believed more in authentic connection: in my earlier adulthood, when I had fewer responsibilities. I seemed to make some good connections and then we all had to get on with life. Since then I've made some bad situations by "being myself" too freely, and so I think: lesson learned. No use sitting around lamenting that the world won't let me be myself, take on the burden of performing properly so that I can keep a secure base of operation. Not least of this is simply making a living.
So, to have the kinds of relationships I thought I wanted, in this stage of my life, is a hypothesis, and not my hypothesis right now: seems more like a delusion sometimes. If I adopt the hypothesis then I have to commit to spend energy testing it... and I've got a lot more to lose now if it proves false.
Hey man! Thanks for explaining all this so good.
Been a while since things weren't quite right, probably never were, but was never quite able to figure out what's missing and why I find it hard to relate and connect to people.
Also, really connected when you said that classical therapy is kinda failing guys cause it doesn't give actionable answers in the Williamson podcast.
Got the book, learned a lot about anxious avoiding behavior, and this gives me a solid start.
Keep up the good work, and there's lots of people spinning in endless circles that could really use this info.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I'm glad you found this work so you can get an alternate model that works for you. I'm here if you have any questions at all.
I realized in my 30s recently that I have high functioning autism, but I thought it was only adhd since that was what i was diagnosed with, so now I'm realizing what all of my traits are and I now know why I've struggled so much with women... the problem is is I dont know what to do anymore, I want to be able to approach and communicate in a way that isnt forced and anxious, but I feel like all my life I tried all these different things and I just stay unnoticed, or either I'm not noticing ques I should notice. I can read other people and the steps they take when talking to women from the outside, but I can't do anything that works. I'm pretty sure I have anxious/avoidant attachment, I've had opportunities where women were receptive to me multiple times before, but I only realize that after the fact and didnt notice in the moment. Also I've been in a few relationships, but nothing worked out for long.
I get SO MANY men in my coaching with this exact challenge. The majority of the fix is to simply learn mechanically what women want, what they're looking for, and how to engage and develop a relationship. It really does come down to a system that you likely never learned. Once you have that you can generalize many of the skills into specific situations and learn to adapt. If you'd like to talk about this I invite you to email me at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com
I did send a message through your website support thing, but i assume you get hundreds of responses. I cant really afford paid coaching though, since I'm waiting on a job, so idk what to do
I Exactly think of this problem. It seems trauma revisits on a different connection level or a different neural pattern.
My brain thinks about the global impacts that I connect in my relationships and spheres of influence. I consider socially imbedded generational whys of trauma as well, because of intergenerational trauma that has been steeped in, which comes by honestly through grandparents that lived in ground zero of WWII.
I really do not feel like I can have control at all. I have a strong appreciation of free will.
Bringing down the amygdala response seems to be a part of sel-care as well. I feel that having "off-time" consistent self-care creates a safety net that cushions me when I experience intense situations.
I've noticed logic does not seem to access hope: in my voice because the mind concentrates on facts and experiences. Which are past rooted.
Hi Kleanza, great to see you over here! I haven't been as active on TikTok lately because I'm so loaded with clients, webinars, and my community, so it's good to see a familiar face.
You are right that generational trauma lingers in us and that managing our response is a huge part of self-care. Keep exploring new self-care options until you have a toolkit that's ready for all situations.
I have to constantly fix the relationship and admit am in the wrong otherwise the other person will just leave
That's a death trap that will prevent relationships from ever working. No one who loves you would want that!
Feel like it gos back to mum and how she never never admitted she was wrong think you could explain that ? The responsibility deflecting of someone with BPD ? Or something else
I feel like I can't talk to people I'm pursuing too much because I was clingy in the past and I'm worried if I talk too much to someone about the things I'm interested or the things that I want to i feel like the person won't like me and will reject me and lose respect for me because that was my experience a lot in Elementary and middle school interacting with girls
A lot of the coaching clients I take on start off feeling this way. But learning to communicate honestly without overwhelming the other person is key to showing them you're the right partner for them.
I don't know how to get rid of trauma from having family and my ex fiancé betray me. TLDR I had a very ugly break up with my ex(who does onlyfans now) and lost my brothers(who keep in close contact with her) and some family members(who have her on Instagram and flirt with her on there). I'm a combat athlete as well so I've learned to numb my emotions to almost non existence. In fact the only time I'm happy at this point is when I train and when I fight. What's the proper first step to take Adam? Thank you I appreciate the help
I am so sorry to hear this. There are some initial steps you've got to take to figure out the right path for you. Send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and let me ask you some personal questions about this situation so we can find you the right place to get started.
I feel like I need people more than they seem to need me. I don't see anything that would make me irreplaceable to them, and If I ask too much from them, they'll leave. A lot of the time I wish they would. I'd rather be alone, and learn how to function by myself, without them, then keep up with whatever this is.
What exactly are Trauma Processing groups? Is this just CPT with a person instead of writing it out on a piece of paper? On the second question, I don't find writing out thought processes on a piece of paper particularly difficult or life changing. No more than finishing a homework assignment for school.
I'm not sure what people do in those groups. A therapist I was seeing a couple of years ago told me their facility had one, but I'm not sure how you balance out how much detail/what you tell people, and expecting anyone to be helpful. There are a lot of things I don't tell people about, though I have made exceptions. Telling people never changes anything. "Wow, I didn't know about this". Yeah, that was kind of the point of not telling you until now. I don't really trust people, and when i talk about certain topics, I feel overly compelled to go into what is probably excessive detail. There are things I can't trust other people with.
The other video was interesting, and a bit difficult to watch.
Hi Kateland, good question. Trauma processing groups are useful for some people to talk out what happened, get reactions from others so they learn what happened was not a normal thing (this is important for some folks), and to then figure out the lessons from the trauma so you don't keep carrying it. These groups are also great places to receive support and connection from other people who will get what you're going through. Finally, you can share things in those groups that might overwhelm the average person, so you have a place to talk through painful events without accidentally stressing your friends. I have a community room like this inside my private group so people can share what's happening and get some perspective and support, it's very helpful for many.
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you
@@AttachmentAdam Hi Kateland I can see I strongly resonate with those thoughts/feelings of needing others more than they need me & the fact I haven't got much family left my friends know they're like family to me & I treat them as such.....to that point I know I am certainly anxiously attached..would love to hear Adam elaborate a little more on those feelings....is that just a aign we need to learn to love ourselves more & give ourselves the love first that we expect from others? @Adam Lane Smith
hey adam i have been watching your videos ever since your chris williamson podcast and i bought your book, ive learned that i have an anxious avoidant attachment style that is negatively impacting my life and is keeping me from meaningful relationships. how do i fix this? do i need in person therapy? is it something i can fix on my own. i am interested in finally dating but im worried my attachement style will ruin it, please help. thanks.
Hey there, glad to connect with you. Since you started my book you've got an idea of how to fix this but it sounds like you need some specific guidance on what next steps to take. Let's talk more in depth, send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and we can figure out the best approach for you.
Would you say being a coach or counselor /therapist is better?
When an athlete gets injured, they hire a healthcare provider to treat a diagnosis. When they want to overcome a challenge, break a barrier, or learn a skill, they hire a coach. These are two separate areas and must be kept separate.
Alot of what you talk about as attachment sound more like "false beliefs".
Insecure attachment is based entirely on false beliefs, you're completely right.
Hi dude. I think men have multiple micro trauma dayley just the way things work in the world we live in eventually destroying confidence. I think a lot of females have very deep trauma from a life time of being told that the value you have is sex only our civilization tells us all must content competition more more more? No one ever says well I have enough and I won't loving relationships above the stress of living in a world devoid of love. I think men and women would be much happier if they could live out their life I small tribes of people that place value on each other above things maybe50-75 people just understand that after you have your basic needs met for survival what is left but loving relationships is all the trappings of our modern world really worthwhile is you work hard to go home lock yourself in a box with a screen with no real connection to people with skin on. How long before we say f it.
Modern life is definitely rough - What do you think is the hardest part?
This is very perceptive. Humans are also very resilient
I have to be amazing in bed and over perform because what else is the point in a relationship
Love respect partnership
A lot of guys fall for this and it ends up making bed awful for the woman in the long run because it's all a performance instead of a bonding experience.
Hey Adam! I saw you for the first time recently on Jamie Henshaw's channel. I would love to work with you personally to deal with my childhood trauma, which has been making it difficult for me to trust anyone and build strong relationships. My goal is to get married and have a beautiful family. Could you provide me your email? Thanks
Hey there, I'd love to connect. My email is Support@AdamLaneSmith.com.