How to overcome Limerence (Love Addiction) using 13 steps.
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- čas přidán 1. 06. 2024
- Join renowned psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman as she delves into the world of Limerence, often referred to as Love Addiction, in this insightful and transformative video. Dr. Spelman, with her extensive experience in psychology, shares her expertise on how to overcome the intense and sometimes overwhelming feelings associated with Limerence.
Throughout this video, Dr. Spelman will guide you through 13 essential steps to navigate and heal from Love Addiction. These steps are designed to empower individuals who find themselves caught in the whirlwind of Limerence, offering practical advice and psychological insights for recovery and self-growth.
Dr. Spelman's approach is compassionate, informed, and deeply empathetic, offering viewers a supportive path out of Limerence. Whether you're personally struggling with Love Addiction or know someone who is, this video is an invaluable resource.
Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe to our channel for more insightful videos from Dr. Becky Spelman and other experts in the field of psychology. Your journey towards emotional well-being starts here.
#limerence #loveaddiction #unhealthyrelationship
Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.
00:00 - Introduction to Limerence
00:52 - Identifying Limerence: Differentiating from Love
02:53 - Getting Realistic: Accepting the Reality
04:35 - Facing Rejection: Confronting Unrequited Feelings
06:12 - Choosing Appropriate Partners: Realistic Selection
08:06 - Shifting Relationship Dynamics: Selecting Interested Partners
10:50 - Setting Intentions and Boundaries: Discipline and Self-Respect
13:56 - Managing Attractions and Friendships: Avoiding Friendzone
15:06 - Embracing Less Intense Relationships: Choosing Security
16:12 - Establishing Clear Relationship Goals: Realistic Expectations
18:03 - Conclusion: Realism in Partner Selection
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What makes limerence dangerous is when the object of your obsession is playing mind games with you. I was lovebombed then ghosted, then he hoovered back, and left again.
Yes! This 💯
Narcissist's are cowardly people, the covert types play the narcissist's mean/nice cycle very well.😢
Sounds all too familiar
Going thru this RN with a woman
@@Neilzn That's the same thought I've had about narcissists they treat you like a yo yo or any other toy for that matter.
When certainty arrives, limerence dies.
I literally fall for any guy who gives me the slightest amount of attention or buy me drinks. Loneliness is just really frustrating. I attribute this to the lack of positive attention in my formative years. The maladaptive daydreaming is like a sort of coping mechanism to deal with the fact that that having no guy showing interest in me. It's a desperate feeling that I dont even care whether I like the person or not.
I'm so sorry to hear this. You can book a free initial call with us here if you like:
PTC.as.me/?appointmentType=38919764
I'm going through the exact same thing. Hope you find a person who can save you from this situation.
@@gowtham7231 it's pathetic sometimes feeling so desperate for romantic attention
This step is the probkem for me.
Shifting Relationship Dynamics: Selecting Interested Partners
Thise who are interested in me.
Are in a relationship.
Live on the other sife if the world almost.
Are half my age.
Adhere to some weird religion.
Etc. Etc. Thise are the ones who show interest. Ask me questuins. Flirt. Want to date me.
I live in an upside down world. The world of normal relationship is behinf an unbreakable glass wall. I see it gappening to other people but not me.
I chose people who are interested in me but it is a mess from the start.
I never understand why I had such intense feeling for someone I have just met until recently. I think mine comes from abandonment. So now I'm working to fix it (if I can) because it truly is painful.
I've suffered from limerence several times in my 60 plus year life. Of course it wasn't identified in my youth so I struggled to understand it's not love. Limerence always entered my life when I was afraid my dreams were dying and my life felt mundane. The LO always seemed an exciting change to shake things up and renew my life energy. Once I identify this is limerence and why it's occurring it lifts like a veil. I must be vigilant to stop recurrence.
Signs are you’ll get obsessed with them,analyzing their facial expressions,things they said and giving meanings to those as signs that they like you or not. You feel an urgency to move the relationship forward to the next step or to lock them down,you mold yourself to their likes dislikes,you don’t place any boundaries or make clear what you want or don’t want in a relationship for fear of them not matching what they want and you’ll have extreme fear of abandonment and have near panic attacks when they take long to reply to texts or cancel plans. In Normal relationships you try to get to know the person without having any agendas as to lock them in,you let them know what you like and don’t and you listen and a mindful for his/her needs. You are relaxed and secure and go with the flow,even if the relationship ends you feel a bit sad but not like you’re going to die without this person unlike a person in limerance
@@zebrastripes3786 Well said.
You’re right
I’ve experienced limerence dozens of times in my 18 years of living and it’s truly torture
I hear ya! I am 60 plus too, and if I had known what was going on with me, I might have been able to fix it, but we didn't know in our day. I have always been attracted to men who were unavailable in one form or another. My (now ex) hubby was always so distant, and he seemed to find me annoying so I eventually left (after 25 years), and then fell in love with two men (consecutively), and both were also unavailable for a full time relationship - at the end of the day, I had to realise that the common denominator was me. I realised that I longed for closeness and was anxiously attached, but also afraid of commitment. I have been single now for three years, and it's the best thing for me - I have my dogs :) one day I would like a healthy relationship before I die, but not yet, I am enjoying being alone, though I do miss physical closeness. Relationships are too destabilising for me. You never get over child abuse, not really, but in many ways I am happier and more creative/satisfied than I have ever been.
my favorite strategy is just to immediately ask them out in a very explicit way as soon as possible after i notice the limmerancing beginning. that way i can just get rejected (or not) as quickly as possible and move on without wasting the emotional energy only to get the same outcome later on anyway
That’s a good idea.
❤
5:30 / sorry but I faced my limerence - he said he was not interested in a relationship - just a fling. I went no contact. And it still comes back as angry intrusive thoughts. All it did was embarrass me + give the guy a big ego 🤷🏻♀️ didn’t really help at all!!! I wouldn’t recommend confronting the person - just end it yourself.
That is the point of breaking out of limerence though. she explicitly mentioned that youre going to have to face the short period of embarrassment that comes from rejection. it's not about whose ego is fed; picture this: if you're in the guy's situation and someone who you dont want to commit to confesses their feelings, would you tell them you want to be with them despite your head and heart saying otherwise?
At least now it's made clear to you that he's only looking for a fling, thus you can start moving forward to find someone who actually wants a serious commitment. regardless, im proud of you for what you did!
@@pourfloix948 Man the rejection is kinda worthless for the limerence itself. The mind knows the truth but tries to hide it anyway
I agree, I had the exact same thing. I revealed my intentions, long story short it didn't end up happening, and ended up feeling more angry/obsessed etc. So revealing how you feel does NOT overcome limerence
One benefit of it though, is it gives you a reality based confirmation that your fantasy is false to get rejected. Its painful, but at least an orientation into reality...
I confronted my man, and he wasn't into a commitment. My feelings dropped. Until he said that he wanted more, lol. Now it is over, and I see it for what it was. What a high though!
I hear you 1000%. I was there too. I regret doing even amends to my ex for my part of dysfunction. It only stroked his ego. I got no apology or closure for the sudden discard just before we suppose to go to my home country together. I went no contact without knowing what is it. His cold & hot during relationship and later disrespect and ignorance played hard on my mind. It's been 20 months and only now I see progress in my recovery. I'm recovering love addict and gratefull for that lesson coz I am finally healing that neurological damage in my brain which attracted me to this individual and few others. 🙏 God bless everybody who can find their solitude and recovery.
I don't want to fall out of limerence with a singular person. I just don't want to feel it at all ever again. It's horrible.
It's like a drug. Including withdrawal
This is surely helpful, but to be honest I find step #3 somehow flawed. You cannot "pick someone", you just forgot to mention the ESSENTIAL ingredient of limerence that is involuntary and I'm taking from lifelong experience of being in numerous limerent episodes. Besides attraction is not negotiable, you cannot force yourself to like someone who "on paper" might be ok for you. You cannot "pick someone" from a pool of potential people because that's not how attraction works, and to be honest no one wants to settle. You should not mention that people in limerence "pick partners". Believe me, I would never pick any of my limerent objects. Your subconscious mind, hormones and nature run the show.
My problem is, I don’t want to date anyone unless I view them as “perfect.” I usually end up ghosting men or being distant if I don’t find them super attractive. I find it hard to force myself to be interested in them
Dear, nothing is wrong, what is pefect for u is not free of faults, you are just not interested.
Great information! Thank you ! I would add to that saying no Tarot or twin flame readings with this. My Bestie was constantly going on utube for tarot readings when she was in the state and it was making everything worse for her.
Oh my gosh, yes good advice.
For me it's making astrological compatibility charts when I get their birthdate (composite/synastry) and focusing on all the soulmate or marriage indicators but ignoring the red flag aspects. I get so obsessed with these charts!
I think CZcams Tarot readings are utter crap, but there one limerence situation I had that really made me realise I had a massive issue. This time it was too close to home, literally, I went after my flatmate. And better yet, she was displaying severe narcissistic traits and even when asking friends they genuinely thought she was interested by her behaviour towards me. As time went on it started to click that the interest she was displaying was not benign at all and from purely malicious and obsessively cruel reasons. One night I was at a friends place, and she happened to state she did tarot readings and how scarily accurate they were for her and her friends. I then stupidly called the person I was into and the conversation didn't go well, she was rude and icing me at the time. So I decided to give it a go. The results I got were unbelievable and so hard to accept. I got cards such as 'awareness', the lovers card and the most important card was 'nothingness', on a purely black card. I was absolutely mortified. I kept asking what it meant in panic and distress because really I knew what it meant - I had to accept and become aware that this road was leading to nothing, and once aware, I could move on with my life and cut contact altogether. I asked her to pull the deck three times. Eerily, most of the cards reappeared, but the one that appeared every time, and was the overarching card to my problem was in fact the nothingness card. I shook to my core. Those cards confronted me with the truth I had been avoiding this whole time. The next day I expressed my feelings and it didn't end well. However, from that day forward I never spoke to her again. She tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the narc the whole time ha. Good one, that just finished it right there and then for me.
Yes they are not good for this at all.
Becky you are spot on! When you said when limerent you tend to go for people that are unattainable. With myself my LO's were either married, or in a relationship. I found that when I'm limerent I don't want to see ANY FAULTS with that person AT ALL. This is how I know that it's limerance. I would say to myself "Ah see what your doing your putting him up on a pedestal". So unattainable, and pedestal. That's how I know!!!
Thanks for sharing that, that’s super helpful information for others, well done on having such great awareness.
I experienced limerence towards my husband after he quit treating me with love & attention, so I started fantasizing about the way he treated me while we were dating. When things didn't get better, I became clingy, which drove him away. I continued to fantasize about him for years. I'm finally facing this reality as I'm researching what limerence is. Btw, being with other men who I wasn't "as attracted to" didn't help me at all. It only made me compare them to my husband, so I wasn't satisfied. I want to be with someone that I love the way I loved him. It was real love in the beginning. It only turned to limerence after he changed & made me uncertain of his feelings.
Thanks for sharing, it sounds so painful that he pulled away in that way and very unfair on you.
how did u overcome this?
That doesn't quite make sense saying that if you experience rejection then the limerence will go away. Limerence is about unrequited feelings about an unattainable person and frankly it's still there when the other person says they see you only as a friend, aren't interested in a relationship, say no if you ask to date them, etc. Although blurry boundaries even after they say this is common and it is triggered initially by uncertanity. The only thing that really works imo is to go no contact.
I agree 100%. Difficult to do of course, but totally necessary.
So well said! I have to keep reminding myself that the man has never approached me so I can only assume not interested. That uncertainty about what he is really thinking gets to me though. Also, not always possible to go no contact when you work with them or they live across the street! It's so hard.
@@Alicia-cq9si good advice!
I am in shock and at the same time i feel so much relief. I suffered from limerence for such a long time and didnt know. I started to get limerent on someone recently and today I had the realisation that something is totally wrong about this feeling. It came to me after realising I prefer to fantasize than actually be with that person, etc. Insane
The assumption here seems to be that “ at the same level “ means at the same attractiveness level . In a kind of implied quantitative unidimensional way . The thing is that these cold mechanisms are a fact of life but I’d rather suggest to work on your social status or social skills , things you can influence to get to a higher level , than settle for someone just to not be alone .
I’ve struggled with Limerence all my life and it usually happens when I feel bored or stuck. If I’m going through a tough time mentally my brain will automatically go to Limerence. I finally found the person I’m obsessed with and omg! This guy is so wrong for me he tried Gaslighting me the day after I found him again. I remembered why it did not work out in the beginning and I did cry it felt like a breakup my feelings were hurt but my mind is clear and there’s no way I can allow this person back in my life. I was happy I found him again but now I know and it’s easier for me to let go. Certain songs that give motivation and strength are on repeat and I’m getting better at staying present it’s not easy but I’m getting better. There is hope you’re not crazy it’s embarrassing yes but hey I’m not the only one going through this and that helps.
Thanks for sharing this, if you need any support at any point just let us know.
My ex of 28 years is a narc. I tried to be his friend but he would breadcrumb me and was future faking so I stopped seeing him. I was going ok but then he sent me a text saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he will always love me and will never find another love like me and how he treasures our memories and the children we had and that he is so sad and lonely but we can’t emotionally reconcile and he’s sorry he hurt me.
This message has sent me into so much pain and limerence it’s driving me crazy. Stupid thing is I feel sorry for him because he is sad and lonely and has been going over seas as a passport bro at 61.
It’s devastating that this is who he is now but I’m just so sad it was so fake and now I am in major limerence😢
Limerence sounds more like a demonic force than a psychological issue.
Its a fcking curse
I think you're accurate. It is anti-love.
There is a switch but rejection or toxicity not it.I think the key is deciding your just no longer interested. Over and over, in all the places the obsessive thoughts used to live.
@@Amarideout Yes. I think it is a combination of thousands of active decisions against it. Thats why it is so hard to fight it off. Also I think real love is not just this feeling but also 1000 active decisions for someone. Thats why real love also is hard
I struggle a lot with this, and especially a person who has interest and characteristics that I was denied to explore as a child. I was denied the opportunity to follow certain interest and passions, and now I look for these in others, and get all excited, like if we are together then I can have someone to do all of these things with Who allow it. I know that sounds silly and I can do these things on my own if I really wanted. It just makes them more attractive to me I guess, sense making them an object even if I really do like them as a person and they are kind. I guess a key is how interested are they in me really.
loved the part about secrecy - the number one alliance of limerance
Amazing video. Wish I'd seen it 35 years ago lol :)
You have forgotten to mention that we cannot sleep with someone or tolerate pple just because they want to commit. Better single!
I should have watched this long time ago
9 years ago I left my husband because I one day woke not in love with him, and now I am again obsess with a man who broke up with me but here I am forcing him to go back to me and acting as if he didn't hurt me. I can't stop myself. The intrusive thinking is making me feel so terrible! Even if he tried to make me realize the truth that we are not together now, I am still acting as if it is not true because I can't accept it. It is a really painful and so dehumanizing experience but I can't stop myself. I know that I am loosing my self respect but still I always procrastinate the day of getting over him. I wish this will end soon. I don't know why after all the pain he is giving me I still think of him and almost 90% of it are about good things. It feels like a curse. I hate this even if I love him so much.
Over the last ten years, we have had an undeniable connection. Recently the connection has been broken. I can't get over the idea that maybe we can reconnect at a later time. So future tripping causes lots of anxiety...that uncertainty with anxious attachment. 💔
i fell into love addiction again without realising as i was grieving the loss of my mum. I was so focused on my mum I couldn't see what was happening with this guy. I am a love addict and I know better than to bring up these feelings within myself but I didn't protect myself. I don't want a relationship, it's just the addiction. I think limerance is more than love addiction, though.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and the challenges you're facing with love addiction. It's understandable that during times of grief, emotional vulnerabilities can surface, making it challenging to recognize and navigate patterns of behavior.
Limerence is often described as an intense emotional state involving romantic attraction and infatuation, and it can be related to love addiction. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward breaking the cycle.
Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you explore and manage these feelings. Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights to address love addiction, navigate grief, and build a healthier relationship with yourself.
Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and there are resources available to support you through these challenges.❤
I just found out what Limerence is after a lifetime of suffering from it. How i never heard of it i dont know.
I'm a 54-year old female. I've been in limerence since I was a teenager, with my best friend. We got together for seven wonderful months but she withdrew (her parents supported us, mine did not). I moved overseas, met a guy who was probably more into me than I was into him, married him and raised our kids to adulthood with him, and I ended our 30-year relationship two years ago due to his infidelities and my limerence.
I've been working on my relationship with my best friend but I think I've just blown it. I proposed. She rejected me, saying she has an avoidant personality and an attachment disorder. Now I feel hopeless. I'd been so patient for so long, but my biggest regret is that I married the man who liked me more than I liked him - and it wasn't fair to him. I dragged him down with me. He wasted thirty years on me.
Great video!! I have clients who have limerant patterns who really struggle to stop fantasising. They even find a certain comfort in it, despite the distress it is ultimately causing.
This is an absolute GOLD MINE of a video!!
Daaaaaang.... Game changer. this is really helpful, Thank you! Especially the part that starts at 8:08. That's the part I needed to hear. The security that has brought to my relationships in the past is palpable. Unfortunately so is the boredom. I've got some work to do. That's alright. I've come a long way. Thank you.
At 5.22 the key point is made : that when certainty is established , when you cannot ever maintain hope , fantasy or expectation, then limerance evaporates for good.
Thanks you, I’m glad you feel the resonated
I keep writing down: "I don´t want a man who doesn´t want me."
I've been rejected and still stay in the limerant state. How awful. I can imagine how ppl must view me. But this can contribute to my autistic burnout also. Taking this to therapy for sure. ❤
Experiencing rejection while still being in a limerent state can indeed be incredibly challenging and painful. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed by these emotions, especially considering the impact it can have on your well-being and potentially contributing to autistic burnout.
Seeking support through therapy is a positive step towards navigating these complex emotions and finding healthy coping strategies. Remember, it's okay to seek help when needed, and therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop tools to manage them effectively. You're taking a proactive approach to prioritize your mental health, and that's something to be proud of.
@@dr.beckyspelman Thank you for this reminder.
Thank you for this video! ❤
I’am a victim of someone with limmerence… it’s been HELL. The thing he is married (no children) and I think he is almost 60yrs old. I am in my 40s, married with children. He is always trying to talk to me at church, I noticed because he was bumping into me, accidentally brushing and started touching my arms and bringing me food. Is very creepy. I feel alone because I think people don’t believe what I am experiencing. In all of the occasions my husband wasn’t present. He thinks they are friends “brothers in Christ” 😣
Sorry to hear this, this seems more than just thoughts in his head (limerence). The best thing to do is to directly tell him you aren’t interested or if you accidentally touches off you again say “sorry you touched off me please respect my physical space” then if it continues you have made it clear that the attention is unwanted so the police will be more likely to do something if you have made this clear.
@@dr.beckyspelman thank you! He continued following me at church and the thing got worst. I felt harassed and had to report him with one of the leaders. He wanted a reason why I wasn’t talking or ignoring him to the point he waited for my husband at church and asked him and wrote him too questioning my behaviors 😳My husband finally wrote back and made it very clear. He totally blamed me “she has always shunted me… I was trying to include her in our conversations… I am perplexed, I am hurt… if it was the pastor or the elder she wouldn’t feel the same”. My husband didn’t wrote back. Finally this Sunday he didn’t tried anything. My husband said hi to him 🙄We will see how it goes. I really don’t want anything to do with him.
Thank you for explaining so clearly, I’ve always known there is an issue with me and attachments I have no memory or very little knowledge of my childhood, my mom was removed from her mom along with her siblings, the story goes her mom had an affair her father took the kids away and took them to another country this happened in the early 1900 sad story I’m sure my mom was not nurtured thank you for your help
so helpful thank you!
After 10years, I confessed my undying love to the person. They said they only saw me as a friend and they had a girlfriend. I felt free for 3 days, but then I had dreams and visions that their gf was just a practice gf and that they really loved me. I believed this and four years later, nothing has changed on their part ... im heart broken and still in the back of mind I think "maybe". There has got to be drugs for this... I just want to be free.
Prozac
Thank u very much for your advice ,it help me a lot❤
It doesn't work. I've tried to be with persons who liked me more, than I did. It felt wrong and empty.
Because you don't have to settle. Never. You're worthy of a great loving relationship.
I feel like that too😢
I have experienced this a couple of times and right now I am on the path to close this with the current one. He is a full blown Narcissist and I need to really understand what love really is because this isn’t it. It will never be healthy
Hey ! Thank you so much 💜 great content ma'am. I guess i want to hear you more often or maybe everyday until i overcome this limerence or livesickness or whatever it is
Step no 6 is crucial! Although the most intense case of limerance I ever had was for a “devout catholic” who pretended to be looking for the right woman and strung me along platonically while at the same time “casting” other women. I felt so humiliated when I met him with one of them.
Hello!
And here I am again 😄🐕
Happy new year!
Thank you for this new video!
Thank you...I just fell into this..and I really need to get control of it.
Really love your advice. Very powerful, straightforward and correct
Very helpful video
Hi this video really had an impact on me it opened my eyes to what I was struggling with I’m now on the path to a better me thank you for that
This video was incredibly helpful. Thank you.❤️
I’m so glad you like it. Thanks for your kind comment.
Step 1: Done. Finding r/limerence was important for me.
Step 2: Done. Had many talks with LO before we went NC. The "no chance" was helping like a week. Then it came back
Step 3: Done. Its hard. To work on a healthy relationship while still being limerent as hell. Especially watching your partner suffer on your Limerent phases.
Step 4: Have that. It is not really helping with the Limerence. It gave me another perspective. I honestly think that this is just creating more shame inside me because I feel guilty.
Step 5: ok thats a hard one for me. Not sure how to find that stuff out.
Step 6: Hook ups were never an option anyways.
Step 7: Not a problem for me. Im super selective.
Step 8: Man I am only limerent for one person and I quit contact in hopes to stop this curse.
Step 9: I dont have this problem with other female friends.
Step 10: Already doing for months.
Step 11: So I can decide between intense pain, forever single or not very firey relationships? Is there no other way?
Step 12: Selectful me has no problem here
Step 13: We already had that. Seems that is the only thing I am actually missing in that list.
Omg thank you so much for these practical tips on how to get out of limerance
You’re welcome, I’m glad you found them helpful
Simply what is being said take what ever you can get, no attraction but anyone who can commit.
Yeah this seems to be advocating for settling
This video was very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for your feedback!
Doctor Becky, your video on lamerence actually saved me. I have been in very deep for 6 years. He is high dismissive avoidant. Never a yes never a no
In the past I didn't know I am going through limerance. But in the recent times, I became self aware about this behaviour of mine even though I can't control the emotional pain that comes from being alone. Some of the points you described, I actually started following because of my self sabotaging tendencies due to limerance. But the way you went deep into the reasons behind those behaviours shed new light on my understanding of my behaviours. This is really a good video.
Thank you for this video. It’s well detailed, logical, very helpful.
You are very welcome, I’m glad you found it useful.
good summary
Hi Dr Becky,
Love your video! Spot on a lot of things.
I am an older male who recently found myself in this limerent state with a much younger and fairly attractive young woman. We went on a couple of dates, and I was very honest and explicit about what I want at this stage of life which is growing a family with someone. She seems interested and on board with that, however I am struggling to understand why that is. There are far more options for her in real life, she could date someone more attractive, richer than me.
As you said, I am in a bit limerent state and stop being present and other important responsibilities start to fall behind, so I start to pull away from this especially after she is not available/cancelling dates etc, and she said she is still interested and like to get know more of me and exploring where this will lead to.
I am a little confused with this situation. On one hand, I do want to wasting time on something never will eventuate, on the other hand, I also want to give this a chance if something real will come out from it.
Would you be able to give some pointers on this Dr Becky
Thanks
Jayson
Dr Becky thank you so much for this video ❤
Feels like i was just snapped back to reality :)
Oh great I’m glad you found it helpful.
This is the first time I have heard this I had no idea this was what I was experiencing. I have been obsessed with a guy who I thought was right for me - he wanted me to accept the fact they were going to visit their ex and tried to convince me they were sleeping in another room and the relationship was only conversational! I don’t think so - my background was that I was abandoned as a little girl of 3 and in an abusive foster home till I was 10 then my dad remarried and moved to Norfolk but this was not a good relationship with my step mother - I now understand that I have experienced limerence.
Understanding limerence can help shed light on why you might feel intensely drawn to certain individuals, even when the relationship dynamics are unhealthy or potentially harmful. It's a positive step towards gaining clarity and insight into your own emotional landscape.
Exploring these feelings further in therapy can be incredibly beneficial, providing you with support and guidance as you navigate these complex emotions and work towards healing and self-understanding. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and professionals available to support you along the way.
I always hear this : walk away after you set boundaries. How? Limerence is like light a sigaret... it 's this addiction of love ( even if it's fantasy) you don't tell an addict to just throw away their sigaret and thats the end.. if only it was that easy.. so how??
I really want to know how i can walk away more easily after this person has shows their no good for me. I keep staying longer than needed or giving another chance...
I tried re-reading the stories, texts when it was bad, writing the pro's vs con's ...
Meditation? Mindfullness? Working on selfworth... trying but they always pop back up in my thoughts. Its exhausting.
Thanks for your questions. It takes a huge amount of discipline in the beginning, when you spot yourself ruminating about them you need to consciously move on from those thoughts. You also have to accept it’s like an addiction and don’t contact them etc.
@@dr.beckyspelman i can't contact them, he blocked me after he broke up with text. I find myself going through old texts, seeing the disrespect and hurt he put me through. It makes me feel sick why i put up with this. I really want to let go earlier when i see this behaviour. He was playing with me alot , the breadcrumbs made me fantasize.💔
i’m not going to date someone that wants me more… i tried that for 10 years. horrible
Thank you
I experienced limerence for the first time.
I never heard of this term, I didn't know this obsessive feelings had a name, but while searching on internet I discovered the term and found your video with helpful solutions. Thank you for uploading this, many things are now clearer to me, also how I can deal with this.
I am a very perfectionist person and it is difficult for me to fall in love. I've been trying to make a list of things I want and expect in a relationship. But I just find it very difficult to determine when I am making too many onrealistic demands. Do you have some more examples/tips of this for me?
Anyone I notice that seems to like me a little more than I like them and I think I might be able to get into a relationship with them. They have too many deal breakers that I will not accept.
thank you
You're welcome
I personally feel the piece about matching with someone that fits your status, affluence, or league is a bit of projection. How could you know what someone else likes? People have different preferences and wants. They don’t always want someone with the same economic status and what you might perceive as ugly is beautiful to someone else.
You’re absolutely right that people have diverse preferences and attractions, and what one person values in a partner can be very different from what another person values. While some may prioritize similarities in status or lifestyle, others might find connection and compatibility in different qualities. Attraction is deeply personal and subjective, and it’s important to acknowledge and respect the variety of preferences that people have in their relationships.
You kept saying "walk away". The real question is how. If it is easy to do that, it wouldn't become a problem. It is just hard to let go of someone that you have feelings for.
What do I do if I'm bisexual? Does this mean I can't have friends at all while I'm trying to recover from my limerant tendencies?
I feel like I'm limerent but I definitely pick people within my status. Definitely no perfectionism.
i got rejected 5 times and its still here
At 5:15 She says she has never had a client who was still obsessed after being turned down. I know this isn’t true because it’s happed to me. You come up with reasons it didn’t work out and you think you could do something to change her mind or she doesn’t know you well enough or maybe she’ll change her mind if she breaks up with her boyfriend, and you think maybe that’s the reason you were turned down and that there is still a chance. In fact, there IS always still a chance, even if it is unlikely. I say this because I forced myself to ask her out as difficult as it was, for the purpose of ending the obsession, but it didn’t work. So now what?
Thank you for this video. I have been suffering from limerence since 4 years, since I have a baby with the limerent object. He is now married and has a second child himself, but he will always linger around and be in my child's life, atleast until she is 18 we will keep meeting or bumping or crossing each other's paths. Why do I get out of this, because the uncertainty and the hope and wishing that he will give me attention or get into a relationship with me is just feeding my limerence :(
The object of my limerence claims to be deeply in love with me and things feel like they're moving too fast, and simultaneously feel like a limbo. I hear a lot about unrequited limerence but in this case, the person was interested in me from the get-go and we're in a sorta relationship. I've started to fear that I may be with a narcissist (kind of have felt loved bombed and other signs). Idk what to do. I feel like logic is telling me this person isn't right for me in the long run,I don't feel secure or stable in the relationship. I do not want to hurt this person because they are going through a lot and often claim that I'm their biggest support in all this, and even now i reciprocate their "I love yous" and care for them but my gut is flashing red flags. Cant tell which way is up and i dont want to break their heart or make the mistake of letting go out if fear..but maybe its more than that you know? Not all of it as bad, this person has been wonderful and vulnerable with me but something feels...wrong. It's definitely limerence though sometimes I doubt it... I'm betwixt and between
Have you had a chat with them about your concerns? How are they responding to your emotions.
@dr.beckyspelman I will do to see how it goes
Someone who is going through a lot and saying you’re their biggest support right at the start of a relationship is probably not going to go well. Depending how you knew them beforehand it’s still not ideal and sets a precedent that can be hard to change. Also, limerence is often a longing for the parent we needed and the fantasy is usually about someone who seems to be self-sufficient or is at least unavailable so we are not responsible for them. A reality where they are dependent on us can be really frightening.
you said about how a person experiencing limerence can go for partners who are better looking. that stuck with me: what if i think that every person is way more attractive than me? or you’re talking about it’s just me thinking they’re better looking? how do i know that this is the case? i know it partly goes from being insecure but anyway i can’t get these thoughts out of my head
So basically you're saying that we "limerents" are less then our object of limerance and therefore we should settle for someone we don't even like just to feel secured. Honestly, I don't think that the object of limerance is better than me, actually I've always got them to like me even more than I liked them at the end. We are all worthy
No you need to also like them, you shouldn’t settle for someone you don’t like.
No, Dr Becky meant that we catch limerence probably on the people we idolize. That's for sure that we limerent people are no less and in my opinion, LE people have the most beautiful heart. I'm experiencing limerence second time , it's so painful.
What dr Becky said is we seek validation from LO. And we can't seek validation from the people we don't like or idolize. But yes, what look from outside doesn't make a person a better person. And in limerence, we believe on the things we see from outside. And our brain denies to see any fault of our LO, even though if they are on fault.
I'm sharing my experience. When i got LE first time, he was someone who was innocent, cheerful, good looking, a bit Romantic. And that's sort of what I wanted at that time, I was 13 when I met my first LO.
I met second LO on a matrimonial app- He was good looking, highly educated, highly rich, innocent, introvert, and he seemed serious about relationship.
But how i described my LO's above are how my brain seen them. Except those outer things, nothing was ever true about both of them. Both were flirtatious to other girls, both were very quick to give their heart to bad girls because they both got ditched multiple times. my first LO used to get fail in academics, my 2nd LO was too immature and drug addict. My second LO was looking girls on matrimonial app and he told me that he is pretty much in love with someone.
So why the hell he was on matrimonial app? So clearly red flags but I fell for both of them. Too deeply I can't even tell. Its been one month of going no contact with my second LO n i sometimes really worried about me dying because it feels like my soul wants to come out of the body when I miss him.
I wanted to love someone truly, too much and things ended on very bad terms with both of them. That bad that they both even don't want to see my face. It attacked on my self esteem too much.
Dr Becky was very right that we should be very disciplined about what we want in a relationship. I first of all don't like anyone who is so weak hearted that he can give his heart to every other girl. And both of my LO's were like it.
I believe she is saying….giving someone a chance even if it is not the “initial limerent” fantasy attraction. I have found average looking men can become extremely attractive after I get to know their personalities.
5:16 I don't really understand this. I'm gay and I feel limerence towards a close male friend of mine who is straight. I'm pretty straightforward so I have told him my romantic feelings and he has rejected me, but I still feel this obsession, even though I know 100% we're never becoming a thing. Please help.
what do "crumbs" mean, when you mentioned accepting "crumbs" in nom-monogamous relationships? 12:23
Accepting very little, tiny amounts of attention etc.
I wish he would reject me already. But instead it seems we are connected by some invisible string and keep dreaming of each other, suddenly getting texts after thinking of the other, none of us ready to 100% let go. Even tho he has a partner, and so did I at a point, he doesn't fully let me off his hook. I don't know what to do, it's been years.
I did have partners who were a bit more into me and I still couldn't stop thinking of him. The worst is dreaming of him. How am I meant to just forget about him when he shows up in my dreams all the time even if we are not talking.
I'm gonna try deleting the chat/number again to have no means of reaching out. Pray for me this time he won't reach out after. I can't get myself to block his number. :(
Thank you for sharing this, we understand how difficult this must be and wish you the best of luck, if you'd ever like to have a free initial call with one of therapists from our team, please feel free to book using the link below:
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I appreciate your advice on being with someone who likes us more than we like them, but at the same time, it’s dangerous. I did this 3x and the men involved became limerent over me and did some crazy stuff bc I just did not reciprocate their interest. I realize this is a CZcams video and you can only share so much, but I’d advise people to be careful with that piece of advice. Just bc you are someone who tends to become limerent doesn’t mean you can’t become the LO. Being the LO is not flattering and just as uncomfortable.
This lady: "Do not accept friendships from the sex of the people that you are attracted to"
Me, a bisexual: 😐
How do you act towards them after a friendly rejection? Would be weird to block them on social media… 🤔
I am very limerent i know now but i still have both feet on yhe ground, how is this possible??
I'm currently trying to get over limerence for a close friend. And I actually did what was suggested in step two roughly two months ago, and it made things worse because my friend said that they did have strong feelings for me and would talk to their partner about being poly. They had been poly with other people before, so I guess it was a possibility. But the partner said no, but maybe later on. So that sucked, because hope was still there afterward. But in a way I'm glad the partner said no because I guess according to this video, non-monogamy is bad for people who are limerent! lol
But now I've been chatting with a few people on dating apps and I'm going on a date with someone next week! I'm very excited for it because it seems like we click very well so far.
Wow thank you for sharing your experience, and best of luck with the date.,
@dr.beckyspelman Thanks! The date actually went really well and I'm going on a second date with them on Friday.
I "fell in love" with a girl a year ago. He only wanted me as a friend, which I accepted. He found someone after three months. I was disillusioned with him, the sexual desire in his direction was gone. However, the values I discovered in it do exist. He recently presented me with an article about limerence, so I confronted him that I have been functioning completely poorly for 30 years and that what I felt for him was not true love either. In the last year, I have done a lot of therapy on related topics with a psychologist and I dont had new LO. But what should I do with the girl? She is my Friend. Is our friendship real? Our relationship is very deep, very meaningful, we communicate a lot (1-2 hours a day) and we meet at least once a week (bouldering is a common hobby), then we talk for several hours in person. I'm not attracted to her looks anymore, I don't see her as beautiful, she already has a boyfiend too, but I find her valuable. Is this still limerence or is it real? Is this still friendship or love?
@dr.beckyspelman thank you for your videos... some helpful information shared here, but I don't really like where it is mentioned about "choosing some one who is significantly better looking, significantly more successful, famous, unrealistic" - about how eligible they are, "status wise, or looks wise" - saying the person who is limerant is "not really that special or maybe they have great qualities - but the person they like is "able to date someone much younger, or more attractive"... I don't think it is just "being realistic" assuming, and judging that people are on different levels and higher or lower statuses. I do get this was an example to try and explain, a limerant person may choose someone unattainable, or a perfectionist or someone who they see as above them or otherwise perfect. But these words, about status, levels, looks for me do not resonate about deep authenticness or spiritual connections. Because people can fall in love with each other - and others may judge and say one is a 10, and one is a 1 - on all levels, looks, talents, experience etc .... But some times unlikely pairings can happen. I expect Becky is just trying to give examples, to ellucidate the fantasy elements etc .. and issues at play. But using words like that, makes any person no matter how good looking, confident, talented etc - start to self doubt - am I "just an ordinary person who doesn't deserve the Love of "whoever" because that person is considered better, and above me, in some ways. To say "just an ordinary person" compared to a person as someone who can date someone much younger - and as though that is somehow better, uses some wording, that puts the Dr herself above her patients. She is here wanting to help others, in a selfless way - that is appreciated - so hopefully my feedback also will be appreciated, and resonate. How is "able to get someone much younger" as though that is OK, or that younger is better etc, how is that giving out good advice. Younger certainly doesn't mean "better". People and relationships aren't just commodities, and there are spiritual elements. :)
What do you do if it’s been a marriage for 20 years - he says wife but treats me like a mom - I had an idea of a great marriage and life I’ve visualized it our whole marriage
In other words...(5:20)... Breadcrumbing creates & sustains Limerance. And its done intentionally by the perp. They live off our energy, attention, confusion & even the pain they Know theyre causing.
My problem is I fell limerence for someone I am together with for 3 month and it’s not love but limerence I am doing something wrong?
I must be a special case. Because from what I've heard people keep going back over and over I will sit in hell the hells without ever contacting said person again. I feel as if I try to contact them. It's unfair to them in which it is at least to me as they're trying to heal. But the ruminating does not stop. It sucks. I mean I block them on every bit of social media don't contact them and still it continues even though I know there's no chance ever it's happened more than once and finally moved on but it took years. I even want them to be happy. I don't even know where that leaves me all I know is I want to have a real connection and I never meant to hurt anyone that I thought even makes me sad.
What if you are limetent about someone who is available but you just don’t know them very well yet?
You should not be around limerent objects. End the one sided ‘friendship’ aka delusionship. This is the only way. No exposure whatsoever. Find new places and people.
Well I asked him and he said he doesn’t want to be with me. He said absolutely not but I still have hope. What do I do?
Tough
Are you saying we should go for somehow we don’t find attractive? Looks aren’t everything and I know I’m not a GQ supermodel but the girls I have been LO in the past weren’t exactly super models but I feel I would have to be somewhat attracted to my partner even if she wasn’t what society calls a “10”
My LO is perfect- I just don’t measure up. I deserve to be alone.
It can also be impossible because it would break the professional relationship
Yes if it’s a professional relationship it’s best to not try to act on things by discussing anything with them.
dont know if its proffesional if youre having ssex with you business partner
oops.@@dr.beckyspelman
Try dating at 56 it pretty tough if not impossible I gave up that’s how realistic it is no limerance here. 😊
Dating later in life can indeed present unique challenges, and it’s understandable to feel discouraged at times. However, many people find meaningful connections at all stages of life. It can be helpful to explore different avenues, such as social groups, hobby clubs, or online dating platforms tailored to mature individuals. Maintaining a positive outlook and staying open to new experiences can also make a significant difference. Remember, it’s never too late to find companionship and connection.
So poly relationships aren't recommended to someone who has limerence?
I wouldn’t reccomend them no.