Limerence vs Love: 13 Signs You're Experiencing Limerence, Not Love
Vložit
- čas přidán 8. 06. 2024
- limerence and love - dive deep into the world of emotions with renowned psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman as she explores the intricate differences between limerence and love. This enlightening video is your ultimate guide to understanding these complex feelings.
Are you experiencing limerence or love? It's a question that puzzles many. Dr. Spelman breaks down these often-confused emotions, providing clarity with her expert insights. Discover the 13 telltale signs that differentiate limerence from love, and gain a deeper understanding of your own emotional state. #loveexplained
Limerence, a term less familiar to many, involves intense, obsessive feelings often mistaken for love. Dr. Spelman delves into the psychology behind limerence, offering a comprehensive analysis that distinguishes it from the more well-known concept of love.
#psychologyofemotions
🔎 In this video, you'll learn:
The definition of limerence and how it contrasts with love.
Thirteen signs indicating whether your feelings are limerent or loving in nature.
Professional advice on managing and understanding these emotions.
#SignsOfLimerence #LoveVsLimerence
Whether you're questioning your own feelings, or are simply curious about the nature of emotional connections, this video is a must-watch. Dr. Spelman's expertise shines as she guides viewers through the nuances of limerence and love, making complex psychological concepts accessible to all.
If you're seeking to deepen your understanding of limerence vs love, or if you're navigating your own emotional journey, this video provides valuable insights and guidance. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more content from Dr. Becky Spelman on emotional health and psychological well-being.
Join us in exploring the fascinating world of human emotions with Dr. Becky Spelman. Understand the difference between limerence and love, and empower yourself with knowledge to navigate your emotional life with confidence.
00:00 - Introduction to Limerence
01:03 - The Roots of Limerence
03:01 - Triggers and Self-Regulation
04:34 - Identifying Limerence: Intensity
05:24 - Preoccupation and Fluctuation
06:21 - Idolization and Its Consequences
07:17 - The Reality of Relationships in Limerence
09:24 - Emotional Dependency and Codependency
10:06 - The One-Sidedness of Limerent Relationships
12:00 - The Disruptive Nature of Limerence
12:31 - Reciprocation Dependency
13:15 - The Role of Fantasy in Limerence
14:51 - Fear of Rejection
15:46 - Confronting Limerence
17:16 - Delusion and Social Impact
18:45 - Limerence as Preoccupation
19:17 - Physical Symptoms of Limerence
20:36 - Possessiveness and Jealousy
21:42 - Limerence Limiting Personal Growth
22:35 - Discernment and Overlooking Flaws
23:55 - Recognizing Limerence and Moving Forward
24:23 - Conclusion and Future Topics
#limerence #limerencevslove #love #signsoflimerence
Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.
Subscribe to the channel: bit.ly/2N7kVT8
For further help with this topic you can contact us here:
info@theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/
BUSINESS INQUIRIES becky@privatetherapyclinic.com
WEBSITE: theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/
INSTAGRAM: / drbeckyspelman
TWITTER: / drbeckyspelman
FACEBOOK / beckyspelman
LINKEDIN: / rebeccaspelman
SENDING BECKY STUFF
Dr Becky Spelman c/o Private Therapy Clinic
3rd floor
63 Wigmore st.
London
W1U1BU
Love is calm, relaxed, respectful. Limerence is infatuation that can turn into complete lunacy and delusions.
This is so me
@@lindltailor I hope it comes to me one day, right now I'm not healthy enough to bring to a relationship what it needs.
May you feel these feelings for a long time 😍 practice gratitude if you don't already. It brings even more love ❤️
@@maxsheerin8219 sorry, I meant the former. I am right there with ya
I've been limerent a couple of times...what a waste of time, energy and life😢 now every time I catch myself at fantasising about someone I just immediately STOP myself☝️
I’m breaking out of mine today!!! I realized it’s ok to want to be loved back and it doesn’t make you needy or overcomplicated!!!!
I just hope i don’t fold bc i’ve been so weak for this person for years
@@Marcuss99 you're never too needy for the right person. BTW I'm not needy at all in general but with my limerent objects I became super needy because it was toxic, I chased like crazy😬 horrible feeling 😔
Thank you so much, this is absolutely brilliant information on limerance. I especially liked the possible link with ADHD.
Limerance is as if your whole brain has been hikacked to obessively think about that person which immobilizes any other thinking capacity. You constantly imagine all the scenarios where that person is included in your life, but they aren't in your life at all. It's a nightmare!
Thanks I’d glad you liked the link with ADHD. Yes it’s a tough condition for sure.
I have adhd and this. How can i overcome it??
Limerence is a living hell, first it feels great but then it gets worse and worse
This is the best explanation of "narcissistic love" I could have ever hoped for. Limerance is THE reason for the long-lasting trauma bond. Every reason cited hear rang true for my experience. It's a love that's full of confusion, longing and constant reflection. It's deeply saddening. Nothing prepares you for this experience.
Wow thanks James I appreciate your comments, glad you liked the video, sad that it resonates with you but sounds like you understand it well now.
That's exactly what I was going to say. You can only experience limerance with a narcissist!
You said that so well James. I echo your thoughts in my experience as well. And you’re right, nothing can prepare you for this experience. It’s long, dark, cold, and so confusing.
@@dr.beckyspelman You know, I hear you, but understanding it doesnt really help. It affects your soul not your just head. If you can look past the "losing yourself part' of the relationship, there were some really precious, unique, almost magical moments that, sadly, will never be duplicated. You lost a loved one. Their memory lives on in you. Limerence doesnt stop when you realize what it is, at least limerence developed in a real relationship. My best hope is that forcing my understanding that the relationship wasn't real, that limerence development in me was a tactic or manipulation, possibly an exploitation of my weakness, through that understanding and acceptance I will someday be able to let the wonderful memories of her memory go. It is not destroying my life, but there remains a deep sadness like my core being is missing a piece of itself.
really well explained thank you
Limerence is very painful. I am a serial limerent. Every time I listen to someone talk about this topic, I achieve a new layer of understanding. Thank you.🙏👍🏻
I am a serial limerent as well, I’ve never had a romantic relationship last longer than 7 weeks and the talking stage is even worse for me. 1-3 weeks max and usually I’ll see the person one time and they decide they aren’t interested in me anymore. I also have ADHD which only exacerbates my limerence. It’s very painful and i shame myself and i feel super unlovable and inadequate. I also tend to isolate myself thinking that I’m the only one who has to deal with this which just frustrates me. I understand limerence and i understand that dating isn’t everything, but connection is essential to survival on biological level and limerence is hard to break out of, and whenever i think about the fact other people don’t have to deal with this it only infuriates me, especially when I look around at all of these successful relationships. It makes living life hard knowing that you are always going to have a more difficult time connecting to romantic interests than everyone else. It honestly makes me not want to live if this is how this is going to continue to play out…
Hi Leny, I hear your distress.
I am not sure I will say the right things here… limerence is only recently being talked about more so there is more knowledge about it & I have hope that you should be able to find some help for yourself if you can. I have been working the last 3 years to shake off my last episode of limerence with an attachment therapist who actually had not heard of limerence… she calls it unrequited obsession, but she is showing me a different way of being in ‘relationship’. I have no insurance, I am a low earner but pay with my hard earned money, because I have learnt that I am worth it, I am important to me and I want to live my life in a healthy and fulfilling way. I hope you will be kind to yourself too Leny, because you are important…to you in the first instance and to the greater puzzle of life in the second instance & I hope that you can come to this realisation so that you can live your best life. Learn as much as you can about this condition, and how the adhd can potentially contribute, be curious & give yourself all your energy & love & care before anyone else. Recovery takes time, awareness takes time, learning is life long… but you can do it… you are already doing it, watching CZcams videos on the subject. Keep learning about you, because you are infinitely interesting & unique. Your first relationship is with yourself & otherwise I think some of the best, most satisfying, enduring relationships are not necessarily romantic… find a supportive or interest group near you … keep going… never give up…
I wish you all the best.
Yep just ruined another great relationship. This one lasted almost 3 months before I fucked it all up. Progress right! 😢
@@bigbankhank1337How did you mess it up?
@@lenysativoI know it sounds cliche’ but my advice is to do what you can to make you love yourself. Practice getting good at things you want to do. Do things for other people that you hope will make their lives better. Liking yourself spans the gap between you and your limerant objects and makes them just people to you.
Intensity , Flucuation, idolization , Emotional Dependency ,One sided relationship , Disruptive to life, Reciprocation Dependency, Fantasy, Fear of Rejection , Friends aren’t buying new relationship , Mirroring , Physical Symptoms Possessiveness jealousy , limits personal growth .❤
So sweet of you to write out the signs. Helpful to me! 🙏
100% agree. Thank you for listing it all. Been there and couldn't control it, now in recovery, healing slowly but successfully.
thank you!
There’s no shame in it. Some of the best poetry is written from that state.
Exactly. I write fiction due to my intense fantasizing. I don't write love stories, but I believe the best love stories are about limerent people. Romeo and Juliet? Sappho's love poetry?
Oddly enough I completely shut down and couldn’t write a word… only after I healed did I pick up my pen again 😊
Eminent poets through history have offed themselves at a rate 4-5 times higher than the average person. So there is that to consider.
True!
There is shame in it, as there should be. If you don't feel shame from Limerence/Love Addiction, then you're clearly still an addict. Imagine claiming there's no shame in being an alcohol, drug, gambling, eating, or any other maladaptive addictive disorder. It doesn't mean the individual is an inherently wrong person who cannot redeem themselves, but there is and should be shame in that behavior.
i broke off with my situationship after 7 months of him being "not sure" about a relationship... i find myself still in this limerance stage even 4 months after we broke off. it's very weird it feels like an addiction when my brain isn't occupied with someting more important, i will immediately go back to thinking about him and the times we had together. knowing that nothing will happen in the future too. thank you for this video it's very insightful.
Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear you are going through this, yes it is like addiction. Watch my other video about how to overcome this: How to overcome Limerence (Love Addiction) using 13 steps.
czcams.com/video/dkl-fFtt-Dc/video.html
I've been there too😔 so I'll tell you what will happen so you can chill...time will help you, you'll gradually stop feeling intense emotions and everything will bo ok again😊 but not to re-traumatising yourself even more catch yourself every time you start thinking about them and just stop, go do something, call friends, exercise etc. Obsessing over them is just an addiction, not love! Your brain needs some time to unwired,
Wish you all the best😊
Omg that's me
Yeah it’s cause you loved him…this limerence talk is more bs….atleast call it lust if you’re gonna downgrade love and split hairs with feelings
I truely wish I knew about this when I a growing adolescent. This showcased every romantic relationship I ever entered into, stopped abruptly, or created solely in my mind. Finally I have an idea why...
It is so crazy to me that you made this video in 2023. I've been watching videos about relationships, dating, love, marriage, narcissists for over a year. And I am just NOW seeing this, and even hearing the term "limerence". Crazy, but this was beautiful and very informative. Thank you for sharing this! 🙏
Thank you so much, I’m glad you liked the video.
There was so much shame when i realized my own fantasy driven behavior. Thank god there is a light at the end of the rainbow. I finally learned to forgive myself.
I needed this 40 years ago. Such good info.
I think I've experienced this my entire adult life. It's very sad. Lonely. And I feel very dumb for chasing ppl my whole life. 💔 It's good to know how to end it. Watching this, I feel much more informed. Thank you for sharing this. I am newly late diagnosed as Autistic and have CPTSD/PTSD. The one positive I have is I haven't let this stop my personal growth. I feel like the awareness around knowing something isn't right has fueled me to do more for myself whenever I can. It does come with a lot of shame. But I feel it's also hard when the person is such a positive. Seeing from their point of view makes me want to isolate. Again, thank you.
This was the best video I have watched on limerence. You explained it so well and I like that you mentioned that the people we become limerent with also have attachment and unavailabilty issues. That was news to me. I have been experiencing limerence for about 17 years and I also am amazed that hardly any therapist or psychologist knows the term. I think it is groundbreaking and hope to see more research on it. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much Kathryn I’m glad you liked the video. Also watch my video on how to overcome it.
Where have you been all my life?!?!?!!!! I was in therapy for 10 years and no one ever mentioned Limerence, I thought it just me!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for this epiphany! You gave me the ability to recognize this for what it is and I already feel so empowered! Can’t wait for your next video!🙏🏼
Wow thank you, it’s comments like this that makes me want to make content, I’m so glad it was helpful.
Most of my life I couldn't love, I had felt limerence but didn't know this was not love, until I worked on my trauma.
Thanks for sharing well done on working on your trauma.
Helpful! I’m 50 and I can see most of my relationships have been limerent!
Limerence from abandoned as a kid by mama thanks ma !! 🎉🎉
Gosh I’m so sorry to hear this, thanks for sharing.
But the hardest part is accepting that what we're going through isn't real but just a false bubble im so feeling sorry for myself for being in this shit
Thank you, so much. You have changed the paradigm structure of consciousness about love. I am a changed woman as of this night. You have transformed my life forever. Thank you, a million.
Why is it some people seem to meet their match of attraction and they feel both equally intense and happy and many more people experience this?
OH! MY! Becky, Thankyou for such a detailed description of Limerance. EVERYTHING you said is exactly what it's like to be Limerant. I've been like it on and off for years.
I’m so sorry to hear this, glad I managed to get things accurate for the video. Thanks for watching my content.
All my love and support to my fellow limerents out there. It's all consuming and devastating. I still have occasional tears about my LO whom I've gone NC with a long time ago. It never quite leaves you but you can still live on! We're all in the same boat here.
This video kept popping up on my for you page over the last couple weeks and I was resistant to watching it. After a lot of reflection and finally being able to step back and look at my situation from an objective view I finally watched this. Two weeks ago this would've been difficult for me to except, but feeling through my healing has allowed me to see and except what is, now all I have to do is integrate and apply the lessons. You broke this down beautifully, thank you I am saving this video. 😊
Thank you for explaining the shame and pain associated with even admitting you have limerance... It's the hardest part but so important for the healing ❤️
I started feeling angry and defensive. Ooh this is triggering. Now im feeling shame. You're 100% accurate.
Good job recognizing and identifying those feelings!
That was really eye opening. I met this guy while traveling, he totally gave me the hot and cold treatment, only knew him for three days, but ended up thinking about him for 1,5 years daily.
The sad thing is that this was me thinking I‘m in love for the first time, finally after 25 years, bc I’ve never experienced feelings like this before and always thought something is wrong with me, bc I’ve never like the kind and attractive guys who were interested in me.
Now I’m starting to realize that all of this behaviour stams from my parents being inconsistent in their love to me when I was a child. This hurts, but I will do everything to heal and hopefully be one day in a happy healthy secure relationship. Your video gave me the last push that I needed to finally let go of this person
Limerance is a new term to me, but I fully relate. It’s so painful. Last dated someone for three months. Could/can not stop thinking about them even months later. It seems self destructive. I feel like a broken person.
People who create their own imprisonment within limerence most likely will never break free from that endless cycle of chasing that dopamine dragon. Great tutorial, very insightful and informative. Cheers! 😊
Thank you so much for this. I have never heard limerence described this way. This is 100% what I have experienced and partially why I have been stuck in a cycle of poor discernment in relationships.
Thanks so much for watching. I’m glad you found the video useful.
just feel the intensity to say one more time that i cannot believe limerence can explain the inhibiting insanity of my regard and relationship towards my father and he and my mother's relationship and style of relating to others... i have been working on allll the other things, self esteem, depression, etc but its really just an old coping tool and the social pattering on my mother desperate to connect w my father emotionally throughout their marriage if i wasn't so exhausted from 4 decades of this i might jump for joy you changed a life big time today, thank you for teaching
I'm truly touched to hear that you found the information helpful and that it resonated with your experiences. Understanding the dynamics of limerence and its potential impact on relationships, especially within family dynamics, can indeed bring valuable insights.
Watching this video, I realised that even when I was in the relationship I was limerent about the person. 2 years after my most recent breakup I was still limerent about them. Recently I shifted that on a man at work I barely know and I'm certain his unavailable. I am 100% sure I don't love him and it's all in my head, but fantasising about him makes me happy (in my head for the time I do that). It's hard to "break up" with this because this is really the only good thing for me now. I know how sad this sounds like. I have no idea how to change that. I think that I'm continuing this fantasy cycle where I live more in my head than irl since I was a kid. I was always daydreaming about stuff. Sometimes about love but sometimes just about the life I could have. It feels like video game addiction.
I am so thankful for all of your information. It is scary how you are describing my situation with 99.9% accuracy and that gives me so much comfort. I am truly truly thankful, thank you for this video!
I can’t believe that we both have lived in limerence for 4 years!
I have ADHD and Autism and I've found there's common link to it. Thank you for explaining everything and it has been really helpful to me. Hopefully i can break out of it.
Thank you! I’m doing this now and have been doing it for 3 years! Stuck. Stuck. Stuck! Thank you ❤
So good! ADHD here and spending a lot of time bringing myself down to earth...
Thank you and yes adhd can sometimes play a part in limerence.
Fantasy fuels art. Imagination is creating reality. What you said is true to some extent, but there are other aspects of it too.
This video is a wake up call 👏🏽👏🏽
Please make a video on how to be healed of abandonment and attachment wounds.
This is exceptionally good information, and very well researched and presented! Thank you!
Thanks you so much Mark I appreciate that a lot.
I just started listening to your vidoes today. I liked several of them and even saved some to watch again at a later time. But this video is alomost mind blowing because I've never heard of limerance and this video is opening my mind to understand my current situation in depth. Thank you for making this video. 🙏🏻
Really appreciate your straight forwardness in this video!
Thank you so much for this. I don't have words to express my gratitude. This has come at such a perfect time for me, and has been such an eye opener. I wasn't in any kind of doubt about my limerance before, but hearing it explained so succinctly was incredibly affirming. Now I need to watch this again.🤗
You are welcome. Also here is my video on how to overcome it….How to overcome Limerence (Love Addiction) using 13 simple steps.
czcams.com/video/dkl-fFtt-Dc/video.htmlsi=dMvgiW2vQUfebJi3
great video that makes a lot of sense on this topic. thank you for the in-depth information.
This is an amazing coverage and explanation of limerence! Thank you!
I like how you said confident people can have limerence. I have secure relationships except for when limerence is triggered, then I’m a wreck.
Thank you SO much. This has provided so much clarity, hope and power to know I (a) am okay and (b) can choose to end this. I've been working on my attachment style for years and was an earned secure, but recently a fearful-avoidant spun me into limerance and I couldn't figure out what was going on. This is so enlightening - thank you.
You are so welcome
the most practical explanation of limerance I have heard. thank you very much!
This is gold! Thank you so much!
so good! thank you!!
I'm in limerence right now and watching this, anything to allow me have a grasp on reality. This video is very comforting.
Below all this is deep grief and longing for true love
Jesus help me.
Thank you for shedding light on this, I struggle with this and have been working on didnt know it had a name.
Thank you so much for explaining this so succinctly. It is a very seductive trap and hard to understand what is happening while it is happening. It doesn’t help that we are fed through movies etc many ideas about romantic love that are actually rather unhealthy. I have been single for 13 years and have had multiple experiences of limerence which I realised was some kind of delusion months or even a year or two afterwards. But then it would happen again and I was always so sure it was real love until the bubble broke. I am really so done with this and determined to move towards healthier happier choices, so I will refer back here to make sure I stay on track !!
omg i just realized that my habit of limerence came from trying to understand how to connect w my emotionally unavailable father and as a witness of my parents horrendous manner of relating to each other (and others) i observed that i obsess over "how/why is my father this way" like obsess and miss out on life and become a shell of myself and i can recognize the pattern (now that limerence is being reintroduced to my awareness 20 years since ending an abusive relationship) is exactly the obsessive existence i had in my love addicted romantic relationship wow so the limerence w my father likely came first and then i applied it to my dating okay this is the "daddy issue" then sick to my stomach but this is a opening door to freedom from this mental torture trying to "just not worry about" my father
Thank you for the explanation.This was very helpful..
Yup... Been there a lot of times. It has it's ups, but it's not sustainable. In the end, there is no proper exchange in limmerance. You're basically invested in Your own fantasies -there is no room for actual relationship.
Oh my Tiamat. I have ADHD raised by narcisist and live in fantasy. I always thought I fell in love three times but it always ended up into being me fantasasing about a person.
It was...limerence all the time...
I mean, when woman actually try to kiss me or give me love. I can't process it, it gets better (a bit) from woman I actually "love". But, it never comes with that feeling I am looking for in the act.
I do enjoy more fantasizing about the woman I love more than being with her. She faked liking me even as we had sex. I saw that happening and thought it was always only because she pretended to like me.
Dammm, I just realized I don't know what love is or what is being loved at all. I always treat the woman I am with with utmost care and like a princess. Usually they do not reciprocate and leave frustrated.
But when they do, I feel strange. Like that wasn't supposed to happen.
Im so confused right now...
How do you know exactly the last ten years of my life?! This was so accurate. Thank you for speaking wisdom into us all.
Glad you thought the video was accurate. Thanks for watching
Well said Queen!!!! Spoke to me through and Through. 💜
I have ADHD and have suffered from Limerence numerous times (for the most part, from one obsession to the next throughout my life). I have just emerged from one, only because I’ve entered another. The danger is this time I have to see them daily.
Obviously my therapists have been totally horrible ever ever mention limerence to me after years of therapy I guess they just took my money thanks for your honesty
Not all therapists are good therapists. Partly because they’re human, partly because they might have a different specialty of focus that doesn’t pertain to the individual’s situation. Like you, I wondered if any therapist I saw was simply ignorant or just wanted to take my money and prolong my attendance. That being said, no therapist ever mentioned to me some basic concepts that probably would have healed me faster like: low self esteem, codependency, attachment theory, projections, mirroring, and even limerence. No one made any overt connections to me to highlight the connections between my experiences with my parents and how they affected my perspectives, choices, and relationship choices. It seems so elementary now that I have done so much work and figured a lot out by myself.
Damn. I've done this so many times. Fantasizing about someone I hardly talk to. Then when I actually get into a relationship, I'm bored and don't know what to do
I so needed to hear this! Thank you. I was literally parroting you, my new twin❤
Thanks you so much, I really appreciate your comment, sorry you have experienced limerence.
I have only experienced Limerance once in my life. I have c-ptsd and it was after i broke up with my ex, it took 3 years to break free. I thought i was in love with him, but i finally understood it was an unhealthy addiction. The loniless and intensity was crazy and we did have and on off relationship for those 3 years. I have since blocked him, because he always came around once or twice a year looking for me to fulfill his needs. He is partially to blame for destroying some of my family relationships.
This is great. Thank you🙂
thank you for opening my eyes ... I'm nearly crying right now, knowing that my feelings of "do I really know what love is" were real, because it has been like this my whole life for what I remember from my life since now ... and yes, this longing, this intense feeling of "I really wish to be with this person but I am hesitating to ask them out for such a long time that I am really afraid to do now", it is that painful ...
(and if there are grammar mistakes, I am really sorry, but English is not my first language, so I might just have translated my words and phrases directly ...)
Such a spot on description of limerence!
Perfectly described👌,i have been fantasizing so much about this girl and i even overlooked red flags.
I can tell that i am free from this ❤
Thank you Dr Becky
Congratulations on being free.
This feels somewhat familiar. I had never heard of this before I started watching this video. I have ADHD, but I didn't experience abandonment from my parents, though they did argue a lot and there was a lot of tension in the household, and I would often retreat to the backyard or my parent's bedroom to play video games for hours on end, so I experienced isolation in that sense.
Thank you so much Dr. Becky Spelman. I suffer from limerence w.r.t a girl I was interested in between the age of 14 and 16. We were on talking terms and my intentions were very clear from the start, I sadly got rejected. I am 47 now by the way. The best part was when you started the "I will forget about the part ...." lines, which made me laugh really. I have to admit , I could not help start liking you, because of the way you narrated those lines particularly. 🙂.
thank you so much for this topic! i escaped an abusive love relationship once i gained access to the self help section at the local book store i was looking at "help the relationship" books and came across Pia Melody's books. Saved my life
Wow! I wish I came across this a few years ago.Thank you.
Wow....very eye opening!!
Hello!
Thank you for this new video! I like this topic.
I'm only a French guy, but I noticed there's a mistake on your thumbnail.
I'm sorry if some of my previous comments disappointed you...
I like you (and your beautiful accent) and your channel and I'm thankful you created this channel. Several of your videos helped me. Thank you very much!
Thank you so much, what’s the mistake and I’ll fix if. Thanks again for all your support, I appreciate it.
@@dr.beckyspelmanHello! The mistake is no longer there. It was written "Limerance".
Oh my.. I needed this understanding so much. There’s been a cycle of pain for over 14 years and I’m unsure what to do with our family. We have 4 daughters who rely so much on a stable home.
Sorry to hear this, did you watch my other video on overcoming it? You can also book a free initial call with us here:
PTC.as.me/?appointmentType=38919764
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world. ❤
You are very welcome 🙏
I experienced this last year and had no clue how to explain it to other people. I was confused why I seemed to have no control over it and it would take up so much of my time thinking and visualizing the future and so on. All of your points make sense and explain how I felt, my childhood, but nothing like this has happened to me before or at least not since adolescence and normally I’m considered very confident, I’m the person others come to when a problem seems impossible to solve and considered very effective and efficient but last year I was a mess.
I’ve been working on resolving a lot of childhood issues I suppressed - verbal and physical abuse and so on. Now I have a name for it and it seems to be easier to resolve now. Know thy enemy maybe?
I feel like the more these limerent obsessions you have the better and more healthier the object of desire becomes person after person but whats not getting better as a person is you. And as you finally let go of someone, its a relief for a momen, until you find the next object of desire but the trick is you think subconsciously you have grown and gotten better after the last limerent incident because the new person is better. Maybe it's that when you consciously let go, your standards and the self confidence has developed but the same pattern is taking over again but this time they are absolutely spot clean on paper and in action but the interpretations of yours about situations have in fact might have gotten even worse. Just came in to mind bc you dont know the person you think the better on the outside must be a sign I have gotten better myself. Traumabonding is also so very infatuating the person might feel like you share something and the limerent person thinks it's the love and the affection but the object of desire might just in fact think you are somehow related like by some deep level but that's just irrelevant to decipher until it could by chance become a topic someday.
Wow..
Quite an eye opener.
I'l have to look more into it but this would explain why I keep ending up In narcsic relationships.
~ brilliant, Thank You!
This opens my eyes.
Thank you so much, I didn't know it had a name. From now on I can help myself if I spot symptoms. Great video! Single btw and staying that way because of this..
Such a great video! Limerence sounds so innocent, but it's such a horrible, painful experience. Question: Do you think it's possible to be diagnosed with BPD when, in reality, you suffer from immense limerence? It sounds quite similar to me. I asked the object of limerence (my ex) this direct question, but what I heard was, 'Who knows if we can date one day? Right now, I am not in the mindset to date anyone.' I told him that this is not enough for me, and I have to let go, but he didn't really accept that. We are in a hot/cold contact dynamic, which he is initiating. It's the worst dynamic for limerence, as it's giving me hope. So far, I am not strong enough to go no-contact, but I know I have to do this. This damn fantasy and hope are so hard to beat, especially if you doubt yourself constantly.
So limerence is linked to complex PTSD, can be linked to BPD also.
Thank you, @dr.beckyspelman! Your content is so great and informative. You are my favorite psychologist here on CZcams. :)
What a beaut of a video ❤ Thank You xxxxxx
I’m glad you found it helpful
When you are in love, you are in a state of limerence. The obsession is a state of being into something/someone.
When you love something/someone, of course you would want to do it or be around it all the time, because it gives you great pleasure and it’s euphoric.
Think of anything you truly love doing, I’m pretty sure you are obsessed about it. Now, replace that activity with a person. Obsession is one of the natural state of being in love.
I think humans in general do not understand love.
This was not hard to accept. It was very liberating to hear,.. Sort of. Fits me to a T. I have never actually been in love in my life. It has always been limerence. I sort of always wondered why I hate it when I fall for someone because it's actually the limerence and it is exhausting to be in that fantasy world and to lose sight of what's actually going on around you and to keep that hope up is very difficult. A long time ago I had to go on Prozac because not only was I obsessing over a girl that was unattainable. I was also depressed and when the limerence is over, you have that clarity of, What was I thinking? How could I have been so enveloped in a belief that something was going to happen between us? I pursued a girl for 2 years under "limerence". She did become my girlfriend and I felt like she could not match the level of devotion I had for her. I didn't feel like I was out of the phase of still trying to court her. She even said one night. I wish you wouldn't put me on a pedestal which I didn't really know what she meant at the time. I've been single ever since. (9-2-07) We only lasted 6 months and I regret just about every day breaking up with her. She couldn't compare to my delusions and I wish I could have settled down knowing she's my girlfriend.
I’ve had attention deficit disorder, but I can’t think of a single person, past or present (OK, there WAS a person in the late 90s that I had a crush on, but have since seen her dipping tobacco, so THAT fairy queen has died) that I could ever afford to obsess over. I must be immune to limerance
Thank you so much for your brilliant videos. Your explanations and compassionate delivery are opening my eyes and providing a vocabulary for my relationship history. I am 55 and have been single for years as all my relationships have been limerant. So painful and I barely recovered each time. A childhood full of trauma and neglect. I recently realised that I would like to try and experience a healthy relationship before I die. Do you think that it is possible to overcome limerance after all this time?
Great video!
Thank you I’m glad you liked it.
great information, very helpful to me. thanks. may i suggest a better sound recording environment. your voice gets hard to understand at times due to a muffled echo effect in the room.
Thanks for this.. I'm still trying to work out what I've been feeling. I struggle with PTSD and ADHD and I've experienced what you are describing with others, but there's someone I've never been able to forget and it causes me a lot of pain, even 23 years later. I'm still thinking it might be limerence, but it didn't follow any of the patterns of limerence. We were both in very unhappy marriages, we're both very.. unusual people. It's difficult to find anyone like us.
I didn't have feelings for him for years, we were just really good friends. It sort of built up after years of getting to know him. I don't have the preoccupation of how he felt or feels. I'm pretty sure he and I were just right person, wrong time. It makes me sad sometimes.
Is it possible that it's just that you love a person but you can't be together, or must it always be limerence if it's painful? It's all very confusing. But I'm trying to work through it. I don't see him as perfect and never did. But it just wasn't possible.. I was ready to leave my husband as he was awful to me, and I did. I was hoping he would leave, not for me, but because his wife was cruel and abusive and cheated on him all the time. I didn't need him to be with ME. I just wanted to see him happy. If he found someone else that treated him well, it would've stung but I would've been happy for him.
Anyway.. I feel like I'll be analyzing this forever.
Edit: for clarification, we all four were best friends. But my husband and his wife were having an affair off to the side. She understood my feelings and it was just accepted. My husband, me and my loved one were all very young, but his wife was 11 years older than him, had put a hole in a condom to get him to impregnate her when he was still a minor, and I really believe he was working through his own trauma with being adopted and felt he must stay with her no matter what. Its all so frustrating and worrying. If he could just find happiness, I wouldn't be so sad. But he's fallen into addiction and has just.. given up on life. That's the source of pain for me.
great video - thanks...
You’re welcome
Holy smokes… I can relate to about everything that you’ve said in this video. I knew of limmerance but I believe you shined a light on many things I hadn’t thought about… I’m in a one sided situation and day dream often… I hope this just goes away. What a horrible experience 👀
I have BPD and just came across this omg I have such a clarification now.
It can be so hard to hear this information if you are in limerence. I'd felt like I had to make sure and see it for myself to believe it. But to see it for myself I put myself through such hell.. And also the self doubt, what if I just communicate more clearly.. what if I do this, or what if I do that? The list never ends. You don't deserve someone that makes you feel like crap. Value yourself, get someone who really is actually there for you. You should not have to jump through 100 hoops for the love you long for and deserve. Because when you jump through 100 hoops, expect to jump through 100 more, etc etc it never ends.
Thank you so much
I just watched A.I. rising and it was very interesting with the man changing the programming
Excellent
My wife is experiencing limerance with a co-worker. She is extremely focused and driven beyond her "limerant" moments.