When the Body Says No -- Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Dr. Gabor Maté
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- čas přidán 5. 03. 2013
- Stress is ubiquitous these days - it plays a role in the workplace, in the home, and virtually everywhere that people interact. It can take a heavy toll on individuals unless it is recognized and managed effectively and insightfully. This is even more true for parents, family members and caregivers of individuals with neuro-behavioural disorders such as FASD, and if left unchecked, accumulated stress goes on to undermine immunity, disrupts the body's physiological milieu and can prepare the ground for a multitude chronic diseases and conditions.
This presentation, adapted for this conference, is based on When The Body Says No, a best-selling book that has been translated into more than twelve languages on five continents.
"If you don't know how to say no when you need to, your body will say it for you in the form of illness." ..that struck me.
So true. A GENTLE CARING PEOPLE NEED LOVING ATTENTION daily.
They /We GENTLE SOULS.
It's so true. I've had a huge problem with this since childhood and it's caused me so much stress to my body.
as a mom of a medically complex child I know that sometimes no is simply not an option
most people will get bored with chronic illness. they want the disease of the week something they can fix and feel good about
Its helpful that if you did say yes and felt you shouldnt you at least learn to accept the situation you said yes to. Like if you are repeating in your head that its a problem then its causing your body stress. Fair enough, next time say no but if you already said yes then continue on your path in acceptance not fighting against it internally. So remove the negative thoughts to remove the negative feeling
same here
My rheumatologist asked me to read this book. I am SO lucky to have a doctor who understands the correlation between emotions, trauma and illness
Wow that gives me a lot of hope in some Drs. Thanks for sharing
My rheumatologist sat down with me and drew a timeline of my life and showed me the correlation between major traumatic events in my life and my chronic diseases. No doctor, not even any of my therapists EVER did that. Enlightening.
Very lucky
It was a massage therapist who brought a mind/trauma/body book to my attention & therapist who second it. Around a year later, I met my best (+ one of only 2) friend, who beat stage 4 cancer all naturally. First time meeting an actual real life soul mate! MOST Doctors I've met/hired (for numerous issues I've had so far in my life) would say that what this BRILLIANT Doctor is saying isn't based in "science." Well, they also don't work closely with any therapists/psych nurse practitioners, ignore an acute issue (until it became the BIGGEST issue) in favor of having me as "the perfect candidate" for a spinal cord stimulator implant (I'm 33 years old!)... THIS is where we're (way too slowly) headed! Thank you so much for seeing, choosing to be open enough to see, what I've come to realize is so blatenly obvious ❣️
I have a rheumatologist as well.
He deserves a Nobel prize for his work.
❤absolutely
❤❤❤❤😇 😇 ❤
This is the real reason why people get ill. No one is being true to themselves. People are putting up with jobs they hate, relationships they can’t stand, unbearable pressures of daily life & doing nothing about it.
You're right. Dr bernie seigel wrote a book about it called "love medicine and miracles"
I guess we can just stop paying bills and live In streets. Those people seem happier than most
@@Clevelandsteamer324 you're an idiot
Indeed❤
I would agree. Then they tend to make excuses why they 'have' to do that (put up with jobs they hate or relationships they hate.
HEALTHY ANGER IS A DEFENSE OF YOUR BOUNDARIES.
AMEN!!!
@Project AcuHope You are right, but who cares what they think or say!! At least it gets out.
That is why religion judges it as bad. Slavers want their slaves defenceless.
@@etymos6644 The bible says 'be angry but don't sin'.The bible teaches to process anger and in no way prohibits it. It does say that angry outbursts (fits of rage) are unacceptable. God bless you x
Do you know what happens to your cells as you roar that fire? Maybe you have a stronger constitution and can “take on” that stress in the body. You really can’t, it is taking its toll. But, the recipients of that ire can get sick because all that stress goes into them. This is why there is over 300 autoimmune diseases out there. Not handling the stress - it tips the scale in the immune system. Diseases like fibromyalgia, irritable bowel, scleroderma, eczema, psoriasis, chrohn’s disease, chronic asthma, psoriasis, celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, Lupos, GERD, etc, etc, etc.. and of course cancer. The immune system glitches and begins attacking itself.
My bedtime prayer when I was in elementary school through middle school was for God to “help me be a good girl.” My mom taught me that prayer. And when I eventually moved in with relatives, she reminded me, “Be good.” I know she meant well, but I went from being a free spirited kid to a depressed teenager and jaded adult. “Being good” is a prison in trying to escape. “Being good” often means not speaking up, taking up space, or upsetting other people.
Thank you for sharing 🙏❤️. I hope that you are doing okay.
This hit me hard, thank you for sharing it bc I understand a lot more about my childhood
Yes! Don’t be good at all!
Being good should mean being who God created you to be; defender of the vulnerable, joyful, courageous, educated, knowledgeable, etc
Mine was too.
Due to 13 years of narcissistic abuse that included daily meltdowns of rage, my adrenal glands were stuck! They were constantly running and pouring adrenaline into my body! I had gained so much weight that I could not take off. I'm happy to say I am two years out of that relationship and in a peaceful atmosphere! The weight has been sloughing off consistently and all the pain and illness that I had in my body left! I have learned to say no! The biggest NO of all was saying no more of that fake marriage and abuse, saying no and leaving for good.
Good on you, Starling Swallow. It sounds like you have made a very healthy choice. Take care of yourself, now, and find things to do that you enjoy. I hope you go from strength to strength.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom.
Good for YOU!! STAY STRONG.
Narcissism is a very specific psychological term. Too many people marry Assholes and then blame it on them being narcissists. Picking partners is also like getting diseases, we bring it on ourselves. For example, the amount of girls I know who meet nice guys, but would rather be with the bad guy. This is an enternal thing. Many girls do not see themselves as good enough for a nice guy. Also from childhood trauma. We need to stop pointing at others for our failures.
Amazing story. Very illustrative. Thank you for sharing. Love comments like this.
He's so right about many things. When you learn to say no you find out who your friends are. People fear the consequences of saying no but it's better to be on the outer than everyone's doormat.
Amen.
Very true. Say No if what they are asking for makes you angry, tired, or just put upon. Don’t let them take you for granted.
Yes I was watching a unrelated video from a y tuber and she was talking about being taken advantage of a doormat. Paraphrasing but went like this:.."Ill be a(your) slave sure Ill be tour slaviest slave ever!" Lol.
I don’t let anyone walk on me even if Iam going to die and I have less friends and Iam always feel more joy when Iam alone.
Exactly right
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Thank you for sharing this very profound quote.
Wonderful quote
I worked for 40 years as a critical care nurse in a variety of settings, and what you say is so very true. Not speaking up will kill you.
Hi Lola! This video was recommended to me on my homepage wayyy after it came out. And I was looking for a comment related to nursing. I'm graduating soon and I decided not to start nursing right away because I am mentally not well. I have vowed not to care for someone else until I care for myself. I'll be a nurse, just not right now.
What do you mean though as a critical care nurse 😪 god bless
Would you please clarify "not speaking up"? Does it mean the patients didn't speak up what they need while in ICU? Or do they have "not speaking up" type of personal trait?
@@lotus-lotus I would like to know the answer to that, too.
Saying no to family & friends was a no-no for me growing up. I felt I HAD to be nice, to keep love & relationships. I was lying to myself for a long time. If relationships are healthy, we can say no and won't lose those relationships.
After doing everything for them , they will still never be happy with us.
@@reneem2954 That reason for that is that they don´t WANT to be happy with us. The sad truth is that many people get energized from critizising others and abusing them. They subconsciously NEED the feeling that you do things wrong because then they can pity themselves as a victim, vent anger and dissatisfaction and feel superior at the same time. Many people are unhappy with themselves and their lives and unconsciously look for somebody to blame for their negative feelings.
And how would they do that when they recognize that you do all things perfectly and that you care for them?
Absolutely! People who truly love us understand that we have needs as well and will want us to take care of ourselves.
For some cultural, it's so difficult to say no it's not because of the cultural. It's an authentic respect without realizing we punishment ourselves. It's part my cultural to not say no to an adult or a friend, family. Thanks to Canada, I finally learned how to say no and it's one of the greatest discussions I ever made.
Correct. The people who will object to you having boundaries are the ones that were benefiting from you not having them.
"If you want to stay alive, you need to stay authentic"-Dr. Gabor talking about a friend who has cancer and has the courage to confront her abusers as a child and as an adult.
Oh I love this so ❤
This guy is the best. The world needs his gentle message.
The world does need this message, but you know they won't listen.
I agree...johnjaklestudio8@gmail.com
A gentle massage might help
And he needs a hair cut
@DilligasDCLXVI But he does, I asked him and he said "yes I should"
I love how he talks so gently... yet so profoundly. Powerful message!
a gentle soul with profound knowledge and wisdom
Yes ,it's one of the reasons I cannot listen to Jordan Peterson, so much repressed anger in his voice.
I agree!
I know! When I get passionate about something, I sound almost angry, not gentle.
This doctor just showed me who I am. I’m 60 years old now. Maybe it’s time to respect me more, without guilt. Thanks 🙏
this is the perfect example that every doctor/medical professional should have an education in psychology
Except it hasn't helped psychiatrists who still see everything as chemistry and have totally forsaken the soul.
@@dragosavo they all need training in emotional childhood trauma too
Not everyone understand it just because they study psychology
Lee, I can agree with you on this...I broke my ankle and my doctor was not only an orthopedic surgeon but also a psychologist and I am convinced that the way he took care of my medical needs as well as my psychological needs allowed him to save my foot and part of my leg from amputation. I agree totally with Dr. Mate: the mind and the body cannot be separated; it is obvious to many of us that this is how it is and how it should be considered when treating any illness.
Absolutely. It baffles me how ignorant of psychology so many doctors are. It is inexcusable imo.
Asthma and Neurodermitis disappeared when I left the narcissist.
Good for you.
My asthma was triggered because of a narcissist. It comes back when I’m stressed
I’m so happy for you! I’m glad that you are feeling healthier and left behind someone that wasn’t good for you :)
Same with my eczema.
Me too!
“Often what we value in other people is exactly what kills them in the first place.” Wow... just wow.
Agree - Profound!
I was supposed to meet my sister, who does not like to be disappointed, for lunch and an event. BUT...I was suffering that day with a UTI. I thought and thought about canceling but just wasn't sure if I needed to. Long story short, my body made the decision for me loud and clear. I texted her my cancelation and I'm so glad I did. I needed to be home in loose, comfy clothes. I needed to rest. Turns out she was very understanding about it. I'm so glad I took care of myself and I'm proud of myself, too 🙂.
“As an adult; You are more important than your attachments”
this reminds me of the book, The Body Keeps The Score. 13 years ago i had advanced Graves' Disease. I left my religion of Jehovah's Witnesses and within a few months the disease went away and hasn't been back since. This is knowledge that will benefit everyone so much with the amount of stress we're all under. The system is broken. Go to an acupuncturist instead of a prescription writer, if you are unwell. It really works. Homeopathy works. If you need to remove toxic people from your life, don't hold back. Do it. You'll see what happens!
😍
so good
Cat Lady, Have you suffered any illness as a result of all these things?
I’m starting to think that I have brought illness upon my own self. Good Grief, we’ve got to become a No Person. Take good care of yourself.♥️
@@Cat_Lady You are not a failure, you are a human being, and you are not alone. We have to manage ourselves as ecosystems, on every level from social and financial, to emotional, to our stomachs and muscles. This is made so hard by our current society, as this is nearly impossible without exogenous social support and positive reinforcement. I can't stress enough how important it is to feel understood and heard by someone--ideally many people--sitting right in front of you and willing to listen and care. Ideally these people would include a professional like Dr. Mate. I hope you find love, acceptance, and connection long-term in your life and deeply wish you the best of luck in your journey.
As a clinical homeopath I'm thrilled to hear you found value from this sacred therapy. Reclaiming the vital force is key in walking an empowered path, good for you for all you chose to do and the path you are choosing!
All doctors should see this video. Every doctor I go to wants to refer me another one. When I tell them about my growing up in an alcoholic home and then leaving a terrible marriage, then they refer me to talk therapy. I go and talk but I still have the health conditions! It's like a Merry go round. I also have attended alanon meetings and co dependent anonymous meetings too. I also pray to the Lord for total healing because I believe we are body, soul, and spirit. Bless everyone who reads this and I hope that healing comes to all.
Just pray the Lord to heal you emotionally and physically, therapy also helps...children, animals, nature...LOVE
mary wolfe Check out Be in Health in Thomaston Georgia. Also look up Complex Post Traumatic Stress on CZcams.
Mary, I have found true freedom and a gradual awakening through working the 12 steps with a sponsor. I find simple joy on the journey, especially in nature, healthy, yummy food and friendship. May blessings, love, light, medicine and miracles abound for you and yours!
I have a couple of chronic diseases, cirrhosis caused by hepatitis C and advanced, severe COPD-emphysema. I was also an injection drug user for many years but have been in recovery for almost 10 years (this time--I've been in and out, with several years at a time followed by several years of relapse a couple of times since 1989--30 years)
I've also had chronic stomach infections with H. pylori that caused ulcers, chronic, life-long major depressive illness with psychotic features, post-traumatic stress disorder due to repeated assaults living in the drug world and chronic abuse from a battering partner. Oh, and bullying from peers as a child and verbal, emotional, and some physical abuse during childhood. As far as immune-system disorders go, irritable bowel and interstitial cystitis have plagued me both in active addiction and recovery.
So, I get the problem, I really do. Here's what I've done to bring me to my present state of relative contentment. First I've worked the 12-Steps several times and tried to live the principles--acceptance mostly--in my life. I've been a seeker of spirituality for many years, though from issues from my childhood, I couldn't get any peace from Christianity, and having read the Bible in several translations, find it doesn't do anything for me, though it does for many of my friends. First I checked out many of the New Age sorts of things, and still read authors like Marianne Williamson and Alan Cohen. Eventually, I found Buddhism and then Soto Zen Buddhism, which is what I'm just beginning to practice.
Mostly it's simple meditation. They have a slightly different take on meditation than some other practices, and their ultimate beliefs are a little different from other forms of Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism being the one most people in the West know about. The Dalai Lama is the head of Tibetan Buddhism, and everyone knows about him. There really isn't a "head" of Zen Buddhism as far as I know, but there are many teachers, both lay practitioners, and monks. It's the meditation that's the important thing. And all that is, is you sit--in a chair is fine, as most Western bodies aren't capable of doing the Lotus position--upright, with your hands in your lap and your back straight. You focus on your breathing--in, out, in, out and if thoughts come into your mind, as they will, you try not to focus on them and just let them go.
That's it. It works if you just keep doing it every day for a few minutes. Maybe 15 minutes to start, then work up to no more than 45 minutes at a time, max. There's more to it, and if anyone is interested, just do a search, on Google or youTube, on Zen or Soto Zen. There are tons of videos and websites that will tell you more. But what I've written here can get anyone started. And it really does bring more peace of mind, and it helped me with my auto-immune disorders. It hasn't helped anything like my COPD, which is a mechanical deficiency caused by physically damaged air sacs in my lungs. It has helped the anxiety that goes along with air hunger, or shortness of breath, though.
Joanna Kujaths CZcams channel has been helpful to me.
This talked charged my life. I am 100% serious. Thank you a million times.
Why do people like this aren’t the ones “trending”
Lol, this generation doesn't care for learning as much as they do about entertainment, money, or politics.
@@camilleli9945 Politics? They're imbeciles politically.
@@Johnconno yes, but they're acting like they know everything about it.
@@camilleli9945 'Acting like they know everything about it'.
You've just had the best PR in history.
I swearrrr
I have cared for everyone else and not myself my ENTIRE LIFE. First as the youngest of 3 children of an alcoholic father. And second, as a registered nurse for the past 22 years. Thank goodness I've never smoked, drank, got hooked on caffeine or used illegal drugs. I think that has helped me thus far in my struggle against polycystic ovarian syndrome (and all the secondary health illnesses because of it), obesity, anxiety and major depressive disorder. For the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE, I have said NO MORE and I am finally taking care of myself. It's scary, it's terrifying, but I have no other choice because I'm not done living my life!
+bsnjennifer Please look into MMS here on CZcams to heal your illness.
+bsnjennifer SO GOOD TO HEAR THIS !!! TAKE CARE OF YOU DONT GIVE UP
+bsnjennifer your comment inspired the hell out of me. THANK YOU!!!
If you never smoked and used illegal drugs, how come you have all these issues?
Just asking.
+EvenStar LoveAnanda That's a bit like asking why someone would develop terminal cancer when they lived a healthy lifestyle and never smoked a day in their lives. It just happens. Life happens. The air we breathe everyday is laced with cancer-causing substances. There's not always an answer to why things happen. The healthiest people on earth can still have health issues. The likelihood of having health issues also increases with age and can also be genetic. Many people like myself that struggle with Chronic Illness inherit it from family. Direct causes aren't always unknown.
OMG, I am crying. I have three Autoimmune Disorders and I live with and take care of everything for my daughter who is a single working mother. Somehow she turned out to be lacking of empathy and manipulative, never grateful for what she has and takes things for granted. Except for the times that I go through my extreme flair ups and dive to the deepest barrel of fatigue, I push through my illnesses to make sure she gets her needs taken care of in order to try and make her happy so I don't have to deal with her attitude. One day a couple of months ago, I was going through a flair up and asked her for help to get me something at the grocery store since she was going to get her some things, which I rarely ever do, cause she gets upset over it, as if I am a real huge burden....and, as usual she forgot. This one time I threw something I had in my hand against my wall in my room and began to cry. RULE NUMBER ONE with her...I don't have any right to express my thoughts, feelings or opinion...and, if I dare to that always ends up with her "punishing" me in one way or the other and twisting it around to how I am not grateful for her letting me live with her and my grandson! One would think she would realize she screwed up and apologize. But, instead she told me that she wants me to find another place to live where there is someone that can take care of me!!! So, not only have I been suffering from my illness, beating my body up to take care of her, going through the stresses from our relationship not being open and loving....now, I got a jolt of stress when she told me that she wants me to move! Now, every time she's home I feel that stress of fight or flight because I know I can't move as fast as she wants me to move and never knowing what mood she's going to be in from one day to another and I am feeling physically sick more than ever before! I'm sorry, I just realized how much I wrote and how much I am puking up my personal life...but, damn it I don't have anyone to talk to that I can trust to not talk to her! This whole thing he is talking about is exactly what I am going through. Thank you to whoever chose to care enough to read all this. Ugh.
Rebel the xApologist. I am so sorry that you are living in this circumstance that is so bad for your autoimmune system.. I recommend to seek counciling with someone you trust. If you cannot go out for appointments, their are many on CZcams who do telephone counciling. You need support. I would hate to have to live somewhere where I am so unwanted. Some people can never be grateful for what they have. Your daughter sounds like she may be one of those...... My Mom always was loved and welcomed in my home. I always had her a room in her favorite colors here. It was not a guest room, but her room. However my Mom was in her 70's and 80's and I was in my later 30's, 40's and fifties. My Mom died at 96, I am now 62. I am so grateful for the time we had together.... Good luck with your problems. Please get help, you need someone on your side who can offer different perspectives.
Leave her
Sorry you are experiencing this from your daughter. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You need to step back and meet your needs first! Otherwise, you’ll get sicker than you are as she’s not supportive or hear what your needs are. Please be good to yourself, your daughter needs to learn how to cope on her own. Perhaps then she’ll be able to appreciate all your sacrifices. But even if she doesn’t, you’ll be safer and more at peace.
You taught her that her needs matter but yours do not
I know it's been a while but I hope you're okay now :)
When I stopped supressing my feelings and I finally get contacted to them.. I found out that my husband caused me lot of stress and insecurity and I was deeply afraid of him so I could never express really myself.. Hashimoto and celiac and some dermatitis appeared. My body doesn't want him anymore.. I suffocate in his arms.. no comfort at all.. Of course, I' m to blame fom him and all my family...
Jesus Said it so beautifully..”Be Kind..BUT TRUE. Say Yes when you mean Yes..Say No when You mean No.” 😊❤
Need for attachment versus need for authenticity - no wonder we have issues!!!!! Full on stuff.
Need for attachment AND a need for authenticity. We have both needs, says Gabor Mate.
Need for connection, not necessarily attachment.
@@elizabethmccardell9082 yes but he said after we "grow up" our need for authenticity should be greater.
@@bmd823 yes but he did say as we get older aka not kids anymore we should value authenticity over that (or those).
Brigitte Funke yeah.we are full of sh*t.:-)
I knew that my excessive caregiving and worrying about others was a form of protracted suicide, but I needed to hear someone ARTICULATE it in plain English. As a result, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety and IBS, all because I don't want to hurt anyone. I've been so accustomed to suffering and have become quite adept at it, that I felt I could endure the sufferings that would break others, how mentally ill! No more! Starting with serving my Narc husband with divorce papers yesterday. If I perish I perish, but his continued verbal and mental abuse and all other reigns of terror are over.....now, in Jesus Mighty Name. I will not believe his lies anymore and part of caring for him is to legally get him out of my life and other psychic vampires OUT OF MY LIFE!
Well done. Best foot forward to be free and Happy.
Good for you! Toxic people shorten our lives and make them miserable while we're living them.
🌹😔❤
Narcissistic husband?!? You got me there.. You are a lucky woman.. you figured out the disease that kept giving in your life before he put you in a death defying position.. huggzz
You posted this TEN MONTHS AGO......How about an UPDATE? I hope you're well.
I was a single mom for 20 years and now I’m taking care of my dad at the end of his life. This information is vital to me. I’m so glad I stumbled upon this video. It is going to take a tremendous amount of discipline for me to start saying no, but I now realize my health depends on it.
Your body comprises of
1.Mental Body
2.Physical body
3.Emotional body
4.Spiritual body
5.Etheric body
You must learn how to protect your bodies.
How 4,5.6. ?
What is a etheric body? Could you explain?
Amen!!
You must learn to balance all these aspects of your body for true good health
This is just symbolic of what you can't understand.
What a gift to humanity this man Gabor Mate is...love and much gratitude x
Teresa Iche yes
Teresa Iche h
100%
So a lot of our immature behavior stems from our need to attach. As a young child, we learned to win the connection we craved by people pleasing: ignoring our gut feelings, repressing our anger, not expressing out needs, putting aside our authenticity, protecting our parents from getting stressed by us.
Into adulthood we stayed needy children in certain ways. So sad 😢
What a treasure this man is. Full of compassion.
totally agreed. you can hear it in his voice which is very relaxing.
All women need to hear this message. We nurture and nurture everyone but ourselves.
Honestly doesn’t need to be a man vs woman thing.
I’m in my late 30s and so far many of my friends and I have lost our fathers all in their 60s.
Men aren’t allowed to be emotional or authentic. And I know plenty of women that are narcissistic. This is a message for everyone.
I've never heard of Dr. Gabor Maté until now. It's rare to find a medical professional that really draws you in. I'm only 9 minutes into this video and I'm totally engrossed with everything he's said so far. He sounds like one hell of an amazing person. :) Thanks for sharing this video! It's been a real eye opener for me in just the first few minutes. I look forward to watching more videos of him. Very insightful!
CdnAngelXO me 2
@@Focal-point748 🤦♂️
first few minutes and i realized that i had some shit to change. pronto.
Joshua TOA me too
@@joshuatoa8150 straight up! 👏👏👏
THE AUTOMATIC COMPULSIVE REACTION TO CARE FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND THEIR EMOTIONS WHILE IGNORING YOUR OWN SELF CARE NEEDS WILL CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS.
As can the automatic compulsive need to be heard and the fear of being abandoned, resulting in controlling behaviour and excessive use of CAPS-LOCK.
I cared for both mam and dad stopped working , asked for no help , now I have heart disease and suffer from anxiety , destroyed me
@@deadlypalms I noticed older people or people that are visually impaired often use caps-lock as well, not just the aggressive individuals..
16 years caring for a child with severe special needs. 4 years ago I put myself first to be stronger for him. Eventually it took 10 years off my life. No joke.
I was continually stressed by "the silent treatment". Sometimes 3 weeks at a time. I was born with bronchial asthma'. I no longer have it. I"m 83 yrs old.
Me as well... silent treatment. I cry so much I get sick ..
bless your heart ♥️
That's such great news, Mary! How can this be broadcast more widely? I hope you are well 💕
You're not 83. Those period punctuations are too edgy!
OMG... that's so terrible... I am so sorry to hear that Mary...
Gabor Mate is Brilliant and enlightened.
I am proud to be he's country man from Hungary.
I pray to God to help me to help all the people in the World like he does.
how sweet of you. You sound like a wonderful person. Take care of you.
EvenStar LoveAnanda ✌💖 And so you will. Keep your dream alive! I pray the same thing. God bless you.
Mate does have ties to Hungary but he is Jewish and who he is, was in great part shaped by the environment he grew up in- Canada.
I feel the same way. But I have noticed that unless I first help myself I can't really help others and I was curious, do you feel like You need help first? Can it be that the ones who need help are the ones wanting to help others? Just a thought
@@karins9927 We all need help in some areas, that does not mean we can't help others in other areas.
Life is NOT Black and White.
Yikes!!! This is me!! I'm always nice. Thanks for these facts. I have to change fast!! So far I'm 70 and very healthy. But I've had 4 major narcissists in my life who have had devastating consequences.
As you know, the narcissist has to be the worst, but defeatable stress one can experience. Time, finacial, physical & mental health thieves. Simple zero contact starts that process of recovery. This is a remarkable vlog.
Doesn't your testimony fly in the face of his theory then?
Victorious Joy Have to say this honey....kick these narcissists to the curb, or remove your time with them. It should be about helping yourself. It’s not selfish. You’re here to take care of your psyche and body. Be your own mother, honey.
Victorious Joy Take care of you.
@@saimak7079 You have no idea what you are speaking of. So happy for you.
See that beautiful bike. One reason I ride it is b/c my father was committed - addicted - to cycling (and tennis, and doing Pres. Kennedy's fitness exercises and drinking and smoking and serving/protecting the USA w/ his do gooder deeds as a Naval officer'.Well, my friends, now I am a compulsive cyclist ! Compulsivity = anger, unexpressed rage, sadness - and still trying to get approval from my alcoholic, unavailable, unloving father and mother. Gabor, your teaching are spot on. I am, at 75, finally learning to relax, nurture, meditate, practice seeing the sweetness of god in a flower. Yesterday, on a nature hike on my bike I simply stopped, felt my tired legs and watched a leaf moving in the breeze. That was the sweetness of higher power, my patient awareness. That was practicing seeing beauty is something so simple. I love that practice. I have total respect for Gabor. Gary in Hilo
wishing you much love and healing and enjoying yr own loving company
I wish you peace and joy in your life. My bicycle has helped me heal everytime we hit the road I feel so much freedom I owe her so much she saved my life 🌻🌞🌈🦄🇿🇦🚴🏾♀️
Psychologist here... always felt that environmental and societal stresses and pressures underlie a lot of mental and physical health issues versus the DSM model which blames the individual for their issues.
👏👏👏
Preachhhh! A C-PTSD therapist here!
The DSM is sooo problematic...
Hahaha the Psy Damn Bible ! Only Fanatics can write a bible and use it the wrong way !
Why did anyone say this to me before? Because we do not speak to one another. Because we go to people and get oodles and oodles of supplements. Because we are afraid to disagree. You cannot separate people from the environment. He has much to teach us and show us.
5:21 “so this compulsive and automatic concern for the needs for others while ignoring your own is a major risk factor for chronic illness “
May Allah bless you immensely for your efforts to help and do good Sir Gabor Maté
“Compulsive and rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility, rather than the needs of the self is a major risk factor for illness.”
i had a heart attack aged 53, i tore an artery, i spent 8 days in two different hospitals. both said i suffered the heart attack for no medical reason, all tests were normal. my health was good, however ihad just left an emotionally, sexually and psychologically abusive relationship. i was broken by him on the inside . i was so beaten down, i could not feel anger, only fear,dispair,humiliation
I too got out at age 38! I'm so sorry this happened to you!
Are you sure you did not have broken heart syndrome? Google takotsubo cardiomyopathy.
I am a product of 1956 Budapest, when at age 5, I left Hungary with my family. Thank you for your very good work - I have been investigating my life for years. Thank you. I am a big fan.
My mom & her 3 siblings were all under age 6 (6, 4, 3 & 2 yrs old) when they left Hungary in 56. Her parents have never acknowledged or sought help for PTSD (& extreme anxiety in the family). My mom & her siblings also do not admit PTSD & anxiety & do not seek treatment They are all addicts and/or have autoimmune diseases.
George Bernard Shaw said "the unexamined life is a waste". True true true!
Caretakers need love & care too. Too often they table their own health & wellfare while focusing. on. caring for others. Oftentimes, they are taken for granted by other family members and even gaslighted - their efforts minimized by those who are resistant to pitching in.
#SelfLove is essential!
After a decade of working in nursing’s homes I started suffering one illness after another. Emotionally exhausting on top of boyfriends that where emotionally unavailable and cheating. I quit my job and got rid of the boyfriend. I’m currently sick with bacterial infection.. but I hope a year alone will help heal me and get me back on a better track
Wishing you all the best.
Get better and back to full health ASAP.
Health is wealth.
you did the right thing and you will get better. eat a healthy diet and exercise and meditate. hugs.
@@discordmuch some people are so messed up. That it! I don't know why they have to bring others into their games it is such a horrible thing to do it really is. I can't understand how and why they want to destroy other people it's just not right. Sorry this has happened to you too. People dont need this is their lifes xxxx
@@discordmuch I know they are so creepy some people it just goes to show how sad they are and have no lives of their own it really is toxiness. I know first hand what it is like it really is horrible. These people are so messed up in the heads. It's a sickness I cant even begin to understand. Xxxxx
@@discordmuch its sounds awful these people descusing they really do. Like who goes around trying to scam people it's a joke it really is. Messed up lifes I hope your recovering from it now. These people dont deserve to be any where near you. It just gets me how they go around like they are the best in the world they are so sick. Xxx
Stay authentic people! What an excellent piece of advice! It really hits the nail on the head! If that means some people will not like how you change towards them, they are not good for you. Maybe not so easy but I hope there is a way of managing that. My new motto and mantra - Stay Authentic and say No when you need to say it!
Ask for advice, get money twice from #Pitbull #song
this guy is brilliant. I love this guy.
I also admire his son Aaron a journalist.
This is so powerful. My marriage was so unhealthy. Every which way I turned. I was at the emergency room, then blood clots, then a pulmonary embolism, the gallbladder removal. Then hair falling out, then severe ( can't go inside a store) Anxiety. All from living my life with a husband who didn't give two cents how he treated me. Plus I'm an Asthmatic, from childhood. An abusive Dad (verbally) and growing up nervous, extremely shy not being able to look people in the face. My marriage was killing me. Severe sadness overcame me. Because I couldn't figure out why another grown A.. adult was taking his unhappy life issues. Out on me. But Don think it stops with the hubby. Selfish unappreciated kids. Who feel they are entitled to my time, extra time and my emotions. Well, this video made me wake-up even more. Unhealthy folks should be kept at a distance and miserable folks too. Who blame you for keeping all their issues in. Only to switch up and try to lay their junk at your feet. So I'm kicking dust left and right and finding my comfort zone mentally. My head space and physical being. Will not be a punching bag for the angry and entitled. 💯
Your fault mostly.....you've allowed it, so dont blame others for abusing you, blame yourself for not putting a stop to it. Take responsibility....dont blame. Look in the mirror at the one who is actually responsible.
Omg!! Really??
@@heathercloete7450are you serious? Don't hold people responsible for the terrible things they've done? You can accept responsibility for your own actions and resolve to handle yourself differently in the future, but they still chose to do horrible things. People who grow up in abuse are taught that they need to tolerate it and not speak up, so understandably they "allow" people to abuse them - because the abusive people conditioned them to believe that was the "right" choice. Victim blaming doesn't help. She obviously knows now that she is worth more than staying in a usive relationships and there's no need for you to add toxic stress to her load
The obituary part really opens our eyes.
Physical isolation. The human body needs touch to survive.
Nah
If there were a "true" button I'd hit it! You are so right.
I so agree with you. I'm physically isolated and incredibly sick.
@@Catherine-xf3pc it's tough, I'm high risk and been alone since march. But we will get through it. X
@@Oilofmercy Yes, we will!
Mindblowing, and confirms what my gut instinct has been telling me.
Same
Same im a nurses aide and single mother and i honrstly feel like my work is goung to kill me i am always sick now i know why
This man and Jordan Peterson...2 of Canada's greatest.
For the first time CZcams recommended a useful video! Such a gem! I just learned about this magnificent human being! He makes so much sense...
Co-dependency kills. No doubt.
Its not gonna kill me 💚
Sarah Thomson
So true.
If our reasons for doing something, are basically to prove to ourselves or others that we are “good enough”...we are inauthentic and on death row.
Co dependence is learned and ingrained in us.
I hope we as humans can break this pattern.
Almost killed me
Yip...for sure....thank god there is a solution to it.
@@brianharris1813 who ..God? Rubbish
Fabulous speech, and his book, "The Body says NO" is very enlightening for anyone with chronic or catastrophic illness. PLEASE SHARE.
Kate Ann thank you
I shared this on Facebook and will also on Twitter. Everyone should hear it!
Thank you 💖
it is a good book. It helped me with trauma/PTSD, not with the rare disease I have however.
As a daycare provider caring for children and parents every day this really hits home for me. Caregiver burnout is real and I suffered a lot by not taking care of myself.
When the Body Says No is an extremely important book. Thank you, Gabor Mate, for writing it. After years of living in domestic violence, I am now wrestling with a rare skin disease, Pemphigoid. My parents hit me at 6 months old for the sin of crying. The only thing that bothers me about Dr. Mate’s work is his blanket statements about well meaning parents. Child abuse and maltreatment is so common place. Giving parents a pass and assuming they did their best doesn’t help those of us trying to end the practice of religious maltreatment. Many of us were “spanked”, terrified my end time doctrine, and denied medical care and prayed for instead. Not holding society accountable for these practices means that they will continue. Regardless, this book has been transformative. And I’m am grateful to Dr. Mate’s hard work and dedication.
I am sure he would agree with you. Parenting is such a wide field of discussion; cultures, religions (yes, our priest scared the hell out of me) and then you get personality disorders, addictions, criminals etc. I think he is referring to “normal” or average parents.
OBITUARY WHAT WE VALUE IN OTHERS IS WHAT KILLS THEM.
THE GOOD DIE YOUNG AND THERE IS REASON FOR IT.
Gabor has talked about how society values and validates our compensations. Those obituaries are perfect examples of our “toxic culture” which is apparently what Gabor’s next book will be titled.
Powerful messages. Thank You Dr. Gabor... my mom died at the age of 43 and had 10 children. Stress and repressed anger took her too soon.
wow that is crazy
My mom too 10 kids and died at 47
My mother also had 10 children. Hard work and exhaustion killed her. She brought us all up single handed as our father was a horrible man who walked out and left her. He died early too, No-one cried for him.
Wow
May she rest in peace
I LOST my mother 2018 doctors prescriptions were the cause of her death & she refuses injection from a nurse I hate anything to do with GP they've disappointed us with their fake studies (medecine is an enemy to human cells)
Some nuggets:
05:46 What we value in other people, it's exactly what kills them in the first place
06:59 This compulsive and rigid identification with duty, role and responsibility, rather than the needs of the self, is a major factor for illness
you gave me the final pieces to my self-puzzle, dear Gabor .... I praid to god ... please help me .... here you are ❤️
Me too. The answer was a contradiction to what I used to think helped.
How about we pay caretakers for their labor....so they could get out from under the poverty that goes with having elderly parents and disabled siblings....for instance. I've not nearly no income...and no one is coming to deal with the needs of my adult family members.
America is a brutal brutal country.
I worked for 10 years as a home care aid. mostly hospice and end of life care. I loved the job but it took such a toll on my physical and emotional health. It didn't help that I barely made just above minimum wage and had to work extremely long hours. caregivers should be supported and paid a much higher wage.
The Ethics of Care as our base line morality needs to be adopted in order for that very justified call for higher and decent wages for those who care for our vulnerable. (Gilligan's "In A Different Voice; Victoria Held's "The Ethics of Care")
Oh no... we can't do that in the US at all. We must pay basketball players $120,000 a month for throwing a ball around the court. We can't take their million dollar mansions away, where would they live in.
America has screwed up priorities.
Basketball players are easy targets. Easy for people to blame or mock because they are visible. Ask yourself this: Why are corporations, who make 1000s of times more than sports players, getting tax breaks? Why is it that people who work FULL TIME at Walmart still have to get food stamps, while the people who own that company get huge tax breaks?
Kiki Perry there are many ethical and wanderful care givers out there who give so much the other type of care givers should not be in the buisness of taking care of any living being. The good care givers works hard and deserves respect and much higher pay being a care giver is very importent and dificult job and should be compensated accordingly.
Too good. Even his voice is like meditation.
Indeed! I have not felt calm in weeks (because of a depression) but 5 minutes into this video I felt relaxed.
There's a bright, white aura surrounding this man. Moving with him as he moves. xo
I didn't see anything!
Ellery Hart true
I see that white aura, too...
Dr. Gabor Mate's describes the reaction of a mans second wife (she is aware that his first wife died from breast cancer) to be diagnosed with breast cancer is eye opening. The woman's first and automatic thought is "how can I support my husband emotionally as I am dealing with a potentially fatal illness". It hits me like a hurricane hearing Dr Mate say: "This compulsive and automatic concern for the needs of others while ignoring your own is a major risk factor for chronic illness." Words of wisdom, empathy, genuine loving kindness. Endless gratitude for this man, his book and video.
Yes this really struck me as well.
I saw Dr. Sarno - he is 100 years ahead of his time
This doctor is profound and gifted by God. I am truly amazed and being healed.
Wow. When he talks about not wanting to stress his mother. My husband and I are both this way with our mothers. We don’t tell them anything that would worry them. They are both very anxious women, especially when we were young.
I wish I could find a doctor like Dr. Mate'....m
We cannot separate our minds from our bodies
Am an RN who works in mental health and did my first comedy stand up routine at 57. “ Comedians ARE complicated people.
It shocks me what progression he made on himself during his lifetime. I've started young, at 21, to heal and reprogram myself. I'm now 36. I still have a lot to do.
I really wanted to stop the family heritage of negative patterns. I even changed my first name for God's sake!
Me too, started around the same age and i am the same age as you now. Good luck, stay strong and don't forget to look back at where you started (in those days when you feel tired and it feels like there is no progress). Your problems are valid, your work is difficult and you are doing a great job, you have progressed a lot. Also, do not compare yourself to others, because they had different circumstances.
I found healing through God
Not why your addiction
But
Why your pain
#thatpart #motivationalhelp
He's exactly right. It's basically formulaic, how the newspapers always describe the deceased, and always includes quotes from others about how 'strong' the person was, 'giving', a 'role model' etc etc etc.
Dear Gabor, I adore your work. A note from someone who suffered with bulimia as a young adult - the reason why the girl you mentioned didn't tell her mother about the bulimia she was suffering, is not because she wanted to protect her mother, it's because bulimia is another form of addiction, and addicts feel immense shame. The last thing an addict will do is admit the thing they are ashamed of. They would have to face their own demons if they admitted it.
Such a great point. It’s possible that a secondary motive to not tell the mother is to protect her, but I agree the primary is shame. I lived w a woman who was bulimic and it was quite an education.
Beverly are you aware that Dr. Gabor is one of the best addiction specialist in the world!
3 Types of Anger....Repression of anger = cancer and autoimmune. Rages of anger = ♥️attack and strokes. Healthy expression of anger= expression of your true, authentic self, good and bad emotions should be expressed in a healthy way. Healthy Anger is defense of healthy boundaries. Can't seperate the Mind and body can not be separated. Can't seperate the individual from the psychological and social environment. If you don't know how to say NO, your body will say it 4 you in the form of illness. You were pr....ASSERT YOURSELF AND LEARN TO SAY NO. BUT IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BECAUSE THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE GOT USED TO YOU ALWAYS SAYING YES!! SO YOU WILL FIND WHEN YOU BEGIN TO SAY NO, YOU'LL FIND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE. YOU HAVE TO
LEARN THAT YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR ATTACHMENTS. This is so deep and so true. After being worked to the point of disability by an abusive and manipulators
employer who used and abused and refused to pay for the job I worked, this is so true. When I started asking for help, my Humana Leader turned and got me terminated bc I asked for help.And I did not know at the time I was more important than Humanas unrealistic expectation of me, unfortunately forcing me into disability. If it wasn't for my PCP telling me No, you cant return to work there, I don't think I would be alive. One of my coworkers died and many other co workers hospitalized and also worked to the point of disability.
Appreciate this talk and video so much, thank you Gabor 🙏. In 2016 I faced a deeply traumatic rupture from my family, in which I, finally, disobeyed my mother to protect my youngest child, just 8 at the time. I knew I would be exiled from my family as a consequence for my actions. What I didn't know or anticipate was the unquestioning love and support, physical, emotional and practical that I would receive from my then lover. He stepped up as everyone else fell away from me. He saw he was needed, he held me and sat in that hole with me until I regained the strength to haul myself out. Without him I would have been a totally isolated and traumatised care giver (your recipe for breast cancer as I understand it). I couldn't stop caring, my kids were young. I had to keep on going. But I didn't get sick and I am 100% certain that it was thanks to him. We got married last year 😁❤❤
My grandmother lacked empathy and she died at 103. I work in animal welfare and sometimes l binge drink and l don't expect to last very long.
Well, at least you are aware of this vice. What makes you want to drink, and what made you want to help out animals?
You are a precious human being - You have a good heart and it would be such a shame if you died a premature death. Please seek help for your alcohol problem! There is no shame in having a problem with alcohol - millions of people have it - and one can be proud of oneself if one seeks help. It might be that you drink too much to numb inner pain, but with some help pain can heal.
You deserve to lead a happy life! Please start fighting for yourself and say "no" to destruction.
May God bless you and help you on your way . God is only goodness - no matter how many people believe that God gives children cancer and sends hurricanes, the early Christians never believed that.
It is your birthright and God´s will for you to lead a good and fulfilling life - please make the first step.
I wish you all the best!
Think of the love you give and receive.
Thankyou, recognise so many themes in my own past life, family life, hyper active child, asthmatic mother in law, small income, so worked two nights per week, night duty nursing. Bulk house work and organising child's lesisure activities and holidays. Yes l was ill for 16 weeks with "Victoria flue type virus and a rare form of undulant fever ( believed to be influenced by nursing sick children.) l did a yoga teaching course, some years previously. So l rested, did intensive yoga, changed to a day time job and went on weekend retreats, a few times each year, leaving my husband to look after our child, entertain his mother's visits. Which he didn't like. After many years, despite my requests of asking him to share his feelings and occasionally explain to his mother that, her every weekend visits weren't always convenient. Sadly he refused joint councillors sessions, he expected his wife to continue doing bulk manual and mental caring for himself and his parents. So we separated and divorced. I made a new life, had a second child at 40 and my second husband shared all the family responsibilities together. In our 70 s and 80s we continue to express out differences verbally and end up laughing at our brief emotional out bursts. Recognising its impermanence and its all life experience. We learn from each other and truly love and respect one another's physical and psychological support, despite the daily lumpy parts. Universal love to you and all your viewers. Aum Shanti.
you're my new hero.
Plant-based diet, exercise, yoga will change the way we think about ourselves as we practice this lifestyle of self-care or love.
Ok, but a lot of yogis died from different chronic diseases..
Zeljka Petrovic it’s all so personal- who knows what they went through in life...
@@tanasabolat201 I think it's repression of desires. Probably emotions too
It's a good start but it's not enough. The point is not to run away or numb the feelings, but to profoudly feel and understand them. I used to cry on the yoga-mat during the meditations. And later get angry because of what I've discovered about the emotions burried deep under the surface. I healed my back- and gastrointestinal pain in the matter of weeks. Till this day I read about emotions and what they represent and what they are connected to in my life. Gratitude and forgiveness and ,most importantly,alongside with setting healthy boundaries.
Carnivore diet helped me
Incredible and shocking first 8 minutes. You decide if these keep you hooked. Careful and enlightening insight by Dr. Gabor Mate.
My search for Dr. Siegel's works brought me to this treasure. Not intended for the weak-minded. A MUST for care givers, health consultants and therapists.
Sorry. I died b4 strong. Stubborn thou... Head gave in... Must for alL by caregiver interferwnce or whatwver whom...they let me find better n splatter... As if. Reknown n credibility to appeal to batteling over such... Expertece of trauma eureca
.. Weak gotta fight back. I nevwr so hostile b4 the mind possessive encountes gavw me the view assume major part. Learn from idiot. ChalLenge u
Gabor is my hero....AA's Clancy imislund of the pacific group is my enemy...I don't have an obsession to drink by listening to Mate.
if you are not triggered, not resistant, in these first few minutes, then I wonder! are you a caregiver, or the one suffering... and then, a question. are the caregivers also exhibiting patterns of being... very associated to chronic illness...
GlobalLightWorks is it possible for therapists to continue healing practices.. as long as we know our limits, take breaks when needed, even switch professions if needed for a longer amount of time? I've taken 2 solid years off of massage therapy, and have been doing treeplanting seasonally and lived on EI and savings off season to work on myself and heal. If I had pushed through and stayed in that job I would have been a wreck. I do dream of returning to the healing work professionally but only when I am fully taken care of emotionally and physically.
GlobalLightWorks commenting for saving thanks
I suffer with chronic pain and it gets much when I'm in the company of selfish people
Teaches us well enough to say “ me first”. People; you are not selfish when you say “me first” as long as you don’t say “me only”. Dr Mate, hope to meet you in person one beautiful day, your books and work are amazing. God bless you 🙏
I love this! 🌻🌞🌈🦄🇿🇦
I am a retired nurse and learned so much from this lecture. He goes to the heart of the matter.
This learning or education we get from Dr. Gabor is a part of the coping mechanism that we need. When we know, we know that someone understands us and our problems. We are validated and we can be calm and at ease. Now what we need is a living structure that is appealing to our health and well being, but if we don't get that.Hey! your not alone. We can always meditate. This culture is so becoming widespread and contagious that we are weary to find a authenticated friend. Well, what I can say is "try me".
just being validated can mean everything. Everyone wants to be seen and understood.
Yes, I came here for validation. That is how bad things are IRL. Get in touch if you are looking for a friend with problems and baggage :).
This man is very intelligent to spot these patterns of psychological pain and linked physical illness; he has a caring manner so maybe that helped him notice such a link. Fascinating.
I think all Drs in Australia should be listening and watching him. This is what understanding medicine and sickness is about. Kindness, compassion all right there. What a good man.
Stress is a terrible silent killer.
I took a job and it stressed me out physically and mentally from the moment I got there. Just 3 months later I felt like I was starting to ache and hurt more than I ever have. The week or 2 after leaving after 2 yrs, my body began to feel better. I can only imagine how worse off I would have been if I stayed
Thanks for sharing that…
It also took me almost 2 years to unwind after a 3 year job working avg 10-16 hours day x 6 days/week. My PE’s were either EE/Outstanding, yet not enough to ultimately survive the cyclical layoffs. The sedentary sitting at my desk..reduced my flexibility/increased hip/back pain/relationships took a hit, etc. My co-worker described her post experience as a PTSD.
Several of us described the environment the same way + interestingly, in our subsequent jobs, it felt strange to have free time & we proactively did “ CYA” tasks not required. How refreshing to realize the prior employer ‘s business model was just that bad!
This is shocking - thank you. Codependents (like me) - take note!
Care for yourself
12 step recovery was my saving grace in this after decades of therapy failed. Got me in touch with myself again. I am actually a compassionate and kind person now since I know how to hold boundaries with kindness and NOW my love comes from within (not one that does so much for others because I need to BE LOVED from them)
"that's what you should've been able to do... By the time you were 4 and 11 you learnt you were alone in the world"...
Wow that hit me hard
Addressed who I am.
How authentic am I.
All importance.
Realized how strong I am in keeping authenticity.
At all costs.
All costs.
Gabor Mate is excellent in addressing these issues.
Parents and childhood can Trigger so much in our bodies.
Treat kids well and they grow up to be healthy adults. How true!