Biochemistry of Avoidant Attachment Style
Vložit
- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- In this video, we will explore the world of the avoidant attachment style with The Attachment Specialist, Adam Lane Smith.
Adam delves into the deep-rooted challenges faced by individuals who struggle to feel loved and build fulfilling relationships. Discover the science behind avoidant attachment styles and learn how to overcome these issues to experience the joy of genuine connection.
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
▶️ The Origin Of Attachment Theory
• The Origin Of Attachme...
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @attachmentadam
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
adamlanesmith.com/relationshi...
Want to learn your attachment style, and sign up for Adam's weekly newsletter? Click the link below to receive your copy and sign up now.
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / thebrometheus
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction
00:56 The Prevalence of Avoidant Attachment
02:11 Understanding Avoidant Attachment
03:23 Fear and Conflict
04:35 Avoidant Behavior in Relationships
06:14 Biochemistry of Avoidant Attachment
07:04 Oxytocin - The Warmth of Connection
07:36 GABA - Stress Reduction
08:22 Vasopressin - Problem Solving
08:47 Serotonin - Social Connection
09:24 Dopamine - The Constant Craving
11:15 Decline of Connection in Avoidant Individuals
12:48 The Fixable Nature of Avoidant Attachment
15:03 Questions on How to Fix Avoidant Attachment
16:17 The Process of Opening Up
17:28 Switching from Survival Mode to Opportunity Mindset
19:23 The Fulfillment of Secure Relationships
20:16 A Message for Avoidant Individuals
Key Topics:
The Science Behind Avoidant Attachment
Overcoming Childhood Roots of Avoidant Behavior
Understanding the Impact of Secure Relationships
The Role of Brain Chemicals in Avoidant Attachment
The Transformative Journey from Avoidant to Secure Attachment
#avoidantattachment #secureattachment #attachmentissues #buildingconnection #attachmenttheory #adamlanesmith
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
Guys and gals… I think I did it. I broke through.. I opened myself up.. held nothing back.. showed myself totally. And she stills loves me. To resist now would be continuing a very old cycle.. ready for love ❤
Great work 💪 ✨✨✨👏👏👏
@@apdurn hey, thanks! Being seen is so valuable. Even here :)
Bravo!
Wonderful! We are rooting for your success.
congrats on your growth
"this is not about them being bad people". That is exactly correct, it's about them being bad PARTNERS
It seems like you've had a hurtful experience with an avoidant partner. What made them a bad partner?
@@AttachmentAdam hey dude thank you for replying. It's too long to explain here but I can sum it up by saying: acting avoidant 😢🤦
When watching for the first time I had to pause the video several times, to take a breath. So many overwhelming realizations.
btw, just a minor issue. By minute 12:00 you start a reasoning then you end with "...because the female partner, specially in the longterm, is looking for that dopamine". I guess you meant oxytocin, right?
Me at 13:15😢
I cried
You say for an avoidant to vet others and be with a secure person; however, a secure person wouldn’t stick around 10 minutes with a partner who runs, retreats, stonewalls, refuses to trust or build intimacy, sabotages a relationship and refuses to discuss or maintain a healthy, interdependent relationship.
@@sshuteandrew No. Secure people can see the potential.
I feel very called out right now. I've had to rewatch this video a few times to let this wash over me and accept it
Same. It was hard for me to want to accept this. I HIGHLY recommend his book "Slaying your Fear". At the end of it he recommends the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover which might actually be even better. I just started it recently and have been really connecting to it. Best of luck, brother!
I really enjoyed this. I have never had a safety net at any time in my life that I have not built myself. I can remember several seemingly tiny inconsequential events in my life which gave me a great feeling and I always wondered why that was. They all involved virtual strangers doing something kind for me - one is as silly as a person opening a can of drink for me when my hands were full. I suppose when you have lived your life in a desert any sips of water are forever memorable.
You are the first person on here to get and understand that not all avoidants are evil. I grew up in a household with domestic violence, my stepfather was volitile and my mother whilst she did her best was inconsistent. I learnt to behave, people please and look after myself.
In relationship i completely get that 6/7 month thing of not being happy since i got divorced and i truly wonder whether I have ever been in love.
I'm in therapy and realise how this effects me. I want to love and feel im deserving of love too.
I really enjoy your delivery and your sense of humor. I’ve been learning a lot about attachment, mostly from Thais Gibson but you are definitely a breath of fresh air, in the way you express things and your actionable steps to be better. Great work.
Love Thais! ❤️
This is the greatest video I've seen on avoidant attachment. Nobody else explains the physiological reasons behind it.
My best friend is avoidant and I've noticed the most effective way I've helped him was becoming secure myself. I was initially anxious with him (with other anxious people I lean avoidant), but I've worked to become secure. I noticed from my behavior change how he is also changing. When I express emotion to him (securely), before he would disappear for a couple of days (sometimes I would use this to my advantage when I needed breaks or to be alone), but I've noticed that away time got less and less. Then it was only a day of no contact, and now it's the same day. I was surprised at first when I said something from emotion and he asked to hang out the same day.
One of the hardest parts to get over from an anxious perspective when "dealing with" an avoidant friend/partner is realizing that if I'm not available to them, they won't disappear or forget about me. Which is really silly to think about when secure, because who is available all the time? Anyway, I'm rambling.
It’s the bioquemistry. It is amazing learning
I had to work on my selfconfident and understand my childhood trauma. As soon as I overcame my fear of abandonment I started to notice my value and the rest is history 🔥
How did you overcome fear of abandonment?
@@jm7514 This might sound cliche, but it is true. Work on yourself, not to become perfect but to become a healthy individual aka secure in yourself. Discover your value, everybody has at least one. People who genuinely want to be a part of your life will stay and those who don’t let them go.
@@jm7514 Sounds cliché but it is true.
Firstly knowing your value, everybody has at least one.
Secondly commit to becoming the healthy (secure) version of yourself. And last but not least, when it comes to relationships, being your true authentic self is going to create a geniune connection not fear.
Your channel becomes like my medicine. Every time I feel a bit abandoned feeling , I come here and listen and it make be better😂
I'm so glad to hear that! 😊 What content or topics do you find most comforting or helpful during challenging times?
@@AttachmentAdam anxious attachment style playlist, how to love avoidant man and vasopressin. I was anxious and after I met avoidant man , I become avoidant traces to people who care about me and love me. But not long after, I noticed myself and Now I’m trying to be secure.🤩
I’ve got disorganized attachment tendencies, very self aware, but it’s so confusing. I need ya close but also give me space cuz you’re smothering me… go away but not too far! Lol
Wow Adam Thank you for doing this video on the Neuro chemistry of Avoidant personality. This explained so much to me as I was dating an Ex Military man who is now a Sheriffs deputy. The man had some thick walls and was emotionless. I am an anxious (INFJ) and it was I was not a good fit for him at all as he kept telling me I was too needy when I wanted to take a walk with him or just snuggle while we watched TV. He was an escape artist.!
Having my mental health rock-bottom and discovering this avoidant attachment style for the first time. I am every example in this video. Thank you for being here while I need it.
This all sounds wonderful, people only love what you do for them and what they can get from you, not you as a person. I've never met a single person I could trust in that way to build a secure attachment. I tried a couple of years ago with somebody and they have actively tried to destroy me and my life. I have many friends and family who i adore but they all put their own feelings first and over react to everything... I have 3 daughters, I just don't want them affected by me xx
I'm sure you're a good father Rob. You're proud of your daughters and they're proud to call you their dad. When you focus on yourself and better yourself, you'll create a ripple that will affect those closest to you. Cheers mate 🥂
Adam, I like that you are direct and stern yet thoughtful and understanding
Of all the discussion on Avoident Attachments, this is by far the most helpful in terms of what's going on under the hood.
While others are talking about "feelings", this is what is actually driving those feelings and what practical actions can be taken to address them.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for your kind words! Always glad to help.
Hi Adam! Thanks for these very educational video. Could you please do a video on how to recover from a relationship with avoidant attachment? It can be a shocking and traumatizing experience if you've only been in relationships with secured people all your life.
Adam Lane Smith! Adam Lane Smith!
Thank you! 🤣
Oh my, I can hear the chant! 😂
Thank you. I am just now learning about this at 51, and I cannot believe the synchronicities. Thank you. Just... thank you. I have no words... unlike me...but I have worked so hard to understand, grow, learn, and overcome... MYSELF (I Guess). This filled in that missing puzzle piece, as to why I am so NUMB to life. I appreciate you.
Wooooooow is all i can say ... he chased that dopamine from a "new" relationship aka ME i was a novelty to him (i was 33 he was 46 ) but never bonded with me i couldnt understand WHY hes a gambler, alcoholic, but a funny man at heart I wanted to at least stay friends but he got with someone younger shes 27 lol (it didnt bother me) but he cut me out of his life after 8 months (right when the newness wore off) i dont hate the guy i truly care for him hes suffering and self sabaging chasing money and NEVER happy where he is. Thanks for explaining what he must be going through bc i need that insight to keep him blocked (to not hurt my heart) but also to make peace with this whole situationship ♥️
It's overwhelming the amount of content on YT with relationship advice, and i ignore most of it. But because of the title of this, it drew me in. I so appreciate you going into the biochemistry...there is too much good science that has been censored in recent years, and it's so refreshing to see your content on all of this, thank you.
I shared this with my husband. He says that he’s not intimacy or connection avoidant, but SHYAH-RIGHT ……… this goes far beyond a little marital strife and lack of deep connection.
Your video -among others I’ve binged- explains SO MUCH, and I really hope he lets this sink in and will want a different way of life. (Because frankly ….. I don’t know how to “do this” feeling like I’m overly needy and keeping us afloat all on my own. 🥺😭😩)
Sounds like someone I know
if you are semi-familiar with this type of material you can watch at 1.5 speed, 6:30 is where he starts explaining the biochemistry
Yes he’s got the right analysis and if this is the first you’ve heard an explanation it can seem liberating however you need to know the attachment style of your partner to be accurate in the solution
Another great video - thanks Adam! I showed this to my avoidantly attached buddy, and it really resonated with him - Now he's sharing your videos to his male friends!
Thanks Adam! I think I may be a fearful avoidant because I switch between deeply craving dopamine and oxytocin. I definitely lack vasopressin bonding because I am afraid to honestly work through things with others.
Same here. The other four seem to come naturally. But as I lack the experience of having conflicts resolved and being better afterwards, I miss trust to open up about relationship-wounds. I'm scared the other feels criticized and withdraws more. 🫣
Very good breakdown. I really like the straightforward approach.
Great information being in a avoidant attachment realtionship is very challenging but accomlishable but like Adam said you must be that secure attachment in there life calm down relax and don't add drama to their life but fuel those chemical that they need you really do have some beautiful avoidant men that are remarkable men only if you understand The way they are patients and acceptance of them is key and give them time to understand you and their selves Thanks Adam well said
This is the first one of your videos I’ve seen. I’ve gorged on avoidant vids over the last couple of weeks. Your description of brain chemicals is something relatable. The penny absolutely dropped for me. Thank you. Will watch more of your stuff now. 🙏
Thank you, Adam. Youve helped me so much.
I'm glad to hear that! If you have any questions please feel free to reach out.
At just 27, I am utterly exhausted. To keep going, I've developed a harsh coping mechanism: punishing myself for feeling unlovable.
I've forced myself into an extreme, almost obsessive discipline. I quit all dopamine-inducing activities and stopped pursuing romantic relationships. My last relationship was a decade ago, and it had all the characteristics discussed in this video. Back then, I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong, but I knew something was off. I never truly connected with anyone.
When I finally understood what was wrong with me, I vowed never to hurt anyone again. I know it's delusional to think this way, and that I could be better if I tried.
But the truth is, I don't want to get better. My inner child is so wounded that he wants nothing to do with love or connection. I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why the universe made me so unlovable.
Now, I've learned to channel my self-hatred into something productive. It drives me to push beyond my limits-like a cheat code. Even though I know it's unhealthy, it’s the only way I’ve found to keep going.
One day, I'll exact my revenge on the universe. I'll make it see the pain it caused me, the hurt I never deserved. I'll prove that I don't need love or connection just to survive-I will thrive despite it all. And maybe out of kindness, it will make me loveable in the next life.
Praise God!! This alchemy is being shifted in the greater collective as we speak. In the light of divine love, we are finding each other in our pain and healing.❤️🩹 ❤
It's beautiful to see such a positive and uplifting perspective on healing and connection!
What a beautiful comment
It seems very hard to change a developmental issue that is not a behavior issue 😕. Thank you for the videos. I would love to see steps that should be taken on how to overcome avoidance.
Ditto
Step 1. Radical honesty. About everything.
Totally brilliant! Light globe moment!
I believe my date is avoidant, going to implement this advice.. prefer the authentic approach
Glad you found this insightful! Let me know how everything turns out after you implement this.
This hit home like nothing before.
I struggle with communication and I also seem to push people away or withdraw from them and I don’t want to do that but it’s like a switch flips inside me and I want to be away from them. I kinda feel like too much closeness leads to unbearable hurt that can be avoided if you keep people at an arms length. But that hurts people who want to be close and who would become good friends or partners and it leaves me feeling lonely too. Because when I’m keeping people at distance, it’s not like I’m having a gala time either. Most likely it helps me feel more relaxed that’s all.. but I think about those people that I’m keeping at distance but I won’t reach out to them unless they do it. And even if I do, I don’t say what I want to. I’ll usually send a signal like a song or a screen shot or link to tell them they’re missed. I am pretty good at navigating relationships that are work related. Where you can talk work what you need and what others need and you don’t have to care about making lengthy emotional conversations or pretend interest in their life. Which I can do with people that I absolutely like but I don’t like people absolutely very easily. Is this normal?
A lot of people are NOT going to receive love. EVER. And a lot of people really aren't worthy of it. You NEED to accept that. If you cannot pay the price tag, you can't have love and some people are just broke.
That’s why my avoidant ex was addicted to drugs,alcohol and was a serial cheater 😢 He relied heavily on dopamine.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My mind is blown away. I'm just in pure amazement. Thank you so much Adam
My pleasure! Glad you found this helpful. Are you an avoidant yourself or are you dating someone with an avoidant attachment?
@@AttachmentAdam I’m one myself. This is very eye opening
Perfect explanation 👌👌👌
I appreciate this video more than you will ever know. This explains why when I supplement my body with 5htp and Gaba I handle things much better. I learned about these 2 supplements maybe 15 years ago because of my stress and mood. But you cleared it up ever further for me
I have chronic pain and I am deeply fit, maintain beautiful workout and wellness and good diet routine. I normally just do not get into relationships or intimacies but I’d love to graduate towards it. Thank you for voicing out all this for us ❤
Thank you for sharing your journey and dedication to maintaining a healthy lifestyle despite chronic pain. It's inspiring to hear about your commitment to wellness! If you ever want to discuss how to navigate relationships or need any help with that, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com.
This is just BRILLIANT! Thank you sooooooo much for sharing your knowledge - ❤
Thank you so much for the love and support! Glad it was helpful! ❤️
Adam! Can you continue these videos with the other attachment styles!!!
I'm thrilled to see your enthusiasm for exploring attachment styles further! Stay tuned for more to come!
Much appreciated on giving a bioquimestry education. I really admire you
Thank you so much for your kind words! Your admiration means a lot to me, I appreciate you.
Thank you.
So helpful
Glad you think so! Which part hit the best for you
Loved, hurt by, and lost an avoidant woman. It was my last straw and broke me, now I'm avoidant.
Did you ever try contacting her?
@@AttachmentAdam Oh that would be a bad idea. We are divorced after her affair and refusal to be accountable for it even after years of work. As much as I loved her, I couldn't take the behaviors any longer and asked for divorce. Lost means I left in this case, but not because I wanted to. Hardest thing I've ever done and her refusal to be accountable for her own actions in the affair recovery process really destroyed my preconceptions about people.
Please tell me more about the other avoidant personality type which is manipulative and selfish instead of the scared type. I know someone like this but I need to know more. Why are they different and what are they capable of? Also, is it possible they can change? If so, how?
Thanks!
Thank you so much! What part of this video hit the best for you?
It makes sense.
Glad to hear it!
Thank you for making this video. I am 31 and never knew my childhood trauma made me this way.
You're very welcome. and Happy to help whenever you need.
Also, do you have a video about trust? How to build trust, how to vet, etc?
That explanation makes complete sense for how I am!❤
Glad it was helpful!❤
How can I share this with an avoidant without them feeling like I’m attacking or shaming them?
Thank you thank you thank yiu
🙏🙏🙏🙏
This is insanely good information to share. Where did you learn these sciences? The truth of it is amazing.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and also a Relationship Coach.
Lovely explanation. I would like to know if I dare totally voice my feelings....I m scared he ll run away or clam up if I do ! So far I ve been super cool....but also a constant presence for a year....well, once a week at first and now twice a week..... he has slowly warmed up and does express feelings in public, but never asks me for private time together so I m confused. If I ask him to meet me away from our group....will that drive him away or would he appreciate my expressing my desire to move a little closer ? You say we should be clear about what we want but all the relationship coaches clearly say that we ladies have to let the man do all the chasing.
This is spot on.
How about anxious attachment style, what bio that they are chasing ? I wonder...
I have disorganized fearful avoidant attachment style with more emphasis on my avoidant side, and I have never been loved by anyone. I do not know what love and/or oxytocin even feels like. I do not get the other chemicals either.
I believe I have all the signs and symptoms, past experiences, etc. of being avoidant, and it's very painful.
Why then do I find it easy to open up to people, perhaps even faster than they are comfortable? I am truly an open book.
I still struggle to feel connected and tend to push people away once the dopamine fades. It's not that I am gaining secure attachment, more like forcing it artificially.
I reason that it's safer to be honest and know where I stand than to pretend things are fine. Or perhaps discussing problems is the only type of connection that feels genuine.
But I'm not sure if there's an underlying factor, or if something other than Avoidant would describe me. Any thoughts?
Hi Adam, I tried looking for "big 4 criteria for trust", but have not found much. Can you point somewhere?
When the other person is not ready for the free information. They will refuse to learn.
You open up, they begin to use it against you. Weaponize it. So, yes, you’re better off alone.
Would you rather be alone than with someone you can communicate with?
What does this mean? I don't understand what weaponizing after you've opened up looks like.
That sinks in, struggled half of my life, a divorce, how does love feels like?
It sounds like you've been through a lot. If you need support or guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Thank you so much for the video! It was a treat! Can you please tell my any info about avoidant person with ADHD ? I can not find anything anywhere about it.. Thank you in advance!
I've coached plenty of avoidant and ADHD individuals, and the key is always to help them reduce any latent anxiety first. That can reduce symptoms and bring more executive functioning.
Will enroll at end of May. Will this help me with a better relationship with my adult children? PLEASE!
I encourage you to reach out to me on my email support@adamlanesmith.com and I'll be in touch. We can chat in private and in more detail so I can offer you help and support tailored to your specific needs.
Can you make a video like this for the anxious and fearful avoidant attachment style?
I encourage you to check my channel for a video titled 'Beyond The 4 Attachment Styles: Discovering the 8 Unique Types' where I explain these attachment styles in detail. Let me know if this helps.
Food for the mind & soul, thank you!
I’m wondering if a person can become avoidant due to things that happened in their adult life? Like a very toxic, abusive marriage or an extremely violent event? Or does the avoidance always start from early childhood?
He mentions in a different video that attachment styles can change, even in adulthood. That's why one can move from insecure to secure or vice versa.
For secure to insecure, the person would have to endure something deeply wounding to radically change that attachment.
So I think the answer here is yes, a person can become avoidant in their adult life depending on the experience. It doesn't always start from early childhood.
Amazing, now I am avoidend, Niw How do I share loving relationships with my girls/daugters who hates me because I don't know how to
Feel free to reach out to me on support@adamlanesmith.com or DM me on Instagram @attachmentadam and I'll share with you essential resources and skills. I'll happily help you build a strong, loving connection with your daughters.
As an avoidant i'd say i was a 5/10 avoidant but after watching you i turned into a 3/10. My issue is basically i feel like people are not worth my time (also trust issues). I feel like i deserve better. But if i find someone i believe is a high quality person, most of my avoidant tendencies go away
That's part of the avoidance and deactivation
Wow… thank you for sharing this
Do you have a video about being married to a female avoidant and how to help them on the journey?
You're most welcome. I have a video on how to love an avoidant woman, but feel free to reach out to me on support@adamlanesmith.com so I can help you with more specific guidance. I'd love to help.
Got it! Thank you
Can someone has an avoidant attachment tendencies but didn't grew up (childhood) in/from a hostile / broken home / divorced parents.
Do you offer discounted single sessions by any chance?
I just finished a special offer for February, but send me an email and we will help you make this work. Support@adamlanesmith.com
whats the likelyhood of two people both being avoidant ?
I bought the course . How do I access it ?
Hey Katya, thanks for trusting me to help with your relationships. When you bought the course you should have received an email giving you full access. If you did not, or if you have any other issues, please contact me immediately at support@adamlanesmith.com so I can take care of you.
Does this cause physical health problems with high cortisol levels over deacdes?
Potentially. I encourage you to search for 'high cortisol level side effects' and let me know if you have any questions.
Does this gives them the addictive personality? Chasing dopamine?
I have unknowingly struggled with this my whole life and its been really bad for the past 2 years. I think ita become worse because im becoming aware of whats missing in my life i would love any assistance i could get
08:20 - about the coffee, serotonin and dopamine.
Could you please explain that again?
There is a reply function friend
how could i possibly say to my partner with avoidant attachment that he has avoidant attachment issues? i want to fix him. i am an anxious partner. all those time that we are together, I know in myself that I want him to feel my love. but he always go and avoid me. saying those words that avoidant, need space, its in me, etc etc. its his 3rd time that he pulls away from me. the 1st and 2nd we get together again. but this time, it take 4 mos since he breaks me up/pull away. but we do talking to each other, but I feel his distance. could you do another educational video on how can I educate my avoidant partner/ex, that I still have communication on him but I feel distance. i know that he was on hold to his feelings for me and I do feel he wants me but I really don't understand how can I possibly make him feel him that I understand his being avoidant and I don't know how could I make him feel that all I do is to love him and to understand him and i feel exhausted that he is far away. and we do chatting, we haven't talking on phone yet. Please help. Thank you so much...
I need this help
Hey, Matthew! Happy to help. I invite you to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and let's start from there!
Is there a way to know if your avoidant partner has begun to experience these changes?
Is it common, or possible, to be misdiagnosed with ADHD when you have avoidant attachment??
You can’t interchange these things. ADHD is a dopamine issue. Just like avoidant can be seen as that. But no doctor will say you have adhd because you dont love your relationship. He should look at many sides of the issue.
Does he reply back I need this guy pronto
Hey there! Please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com if you'd like to learn more.
I also feel uncomfortable having people over especially if they stay too long than I want them to. Even if they’re not directly bothering me just the fact that they’re present in my house makes me uncomfortable. Why is that?
I've got 4 problems that I need to address.
Even though im ok with being vulnerable. I have a slight fear of that being used against me this is mostly in normal relationships other than love.
Fear of being seen
Fear of abandonment
Feeling safe and trust
These comes up after a serious conflict or something very hurtful as im an empath
Which attachment style do i fall into.
I took a quiz few months back when i was in a calm and neutral mental state i identified myself as secure attachment. Idk what to conclude.
I encourage you to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this privately and more in depth. I will gladly share resources and help you form a better understanding.
Whoot whoot
He is DA by the book, we are great friends but I told him I will not stay friend because I want a healthy relationship, he brake up with me last year but he wanted to stay friends, because "sex is ruining friendship" (his words) he also said (recently) that he don't want to hurt me (not him, but me) because I am a really great human being (I am very supportive) so can you help me understand what is behind this "don't want to hurt you"?
I don’t know what type of an avoidant I am as it says 25 FA 25 DA 15 AP and 35 secure
I want to feel love again but I just can't. I don't know how to bring it back.
I thought I am anxious, but I have to realise, i am avoidant 😢 and my partner is also avoidant.
Hey! I'd be more than happy to help, send me an email to support@adamlanesmith.com
There a ton of self help people saying you can only get love by not loving.
I knew Im going to hurt people by dumping them sooner or later since early age. So I didnt get involved into any relationships until 32. Then I said few therapists that I avoid relationships to not hurt other people because probably at some point I will want to withdraw. Therapists says that I should not be scared of breaking up as its normal for relationships to start and end at some point and ending relationships is not hurting people. So I started to get involved and now as I expected I want to break up after 1,5 year, but at the same I am afraid to break my partner's heart. I wish I can get courage and follow the therapists advice that breaking up is not really hurting others and is normal, because my avoidant tendency starts to kick in. Therapists told me that I should not be blaiming myself for it and break up if I want to.
At the same time I see so many comments that people got hurt by break ups. So who I should trust then?
Do Adams course. The proper bonding chemicals are being resisted
Is there even any point in trying to connect with an avoidant man? It seems that even if he did start trying to be emotionally available it would be hard. Im anxious as well, so it feels doomed.
That's a valid question. If the avoidant partner is self-aware and willing to work on themselves, there's potential for growth. Are you willing to work on your anxious attachment style?
I'm that girl....was raised in an ultra religious cult, where love of God was the only love accepted. I've been struggling my whole life not even knowing how to accept love.
I love a man who is an avoidant.
I never trust, I was always punished as a child. I was always out the door at the first sign of problems, as an adult.
Tanya, your story is incredibly brave to share. Growing up in an environment that restricted your ability to experience love and trust has undoubtedly had a profound impact on your life. Healing from such deep-rooted trauma is a long journey, but it's possible. I encourage you to reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can talk about this in private and in more detail. I'd be happy to share helpful resources and tools with you.
As much as I would like to try out a course or two. I have to choose rent/food.