Managing Boundaries with Narcissists Part 1
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- čas přidán 26. 07. 2024
- Narcissists generally have little regard or respect for other people's boundaries. If you have been in an unhealthy, toxic relationship with a narcissist chances are your boundaries were crossed so many times until you were unsure of what they actually were.
In this video Darren Magee discusses recognising and understanding what boundaries are and what to stop doing in order to begin asserting and managing them with the difficult people in your life.
This video is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Managing Boundaries Part 2 • Managing Boundaries wi...
Managing Boundaries Part 3 • Managing Boundaries wi...
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Thank you for doing this. You are awesome!💜🙏🏽
Thank you! I call it the diversion tactic. You tell them their bad behavior is unacceptable, and they get you defending yourself instead of addressing the problem at hand.
How do you stop them ? I can't take anymore. My next door neighbour has recruited half the street and turned them against me.
@@kfarawatson keep being you. That's all you can do. Their opinions don't define you. Actions speak louder than words. Eventually all will be revealed (like the song by Led Zeppelin 'Kashmir.') 😉👍 Much love dear one!
Thank you for making videos.
I'd love to see a video on parents who have bpd/narcissistic tendencies.
I think my mom has that and I get the worst side of her. I'm an adult now but it was awful as a child.
Any insight or advice would be so appreciated
I'm now in the process of healing and it's hard. I am also trying no contact with her and thats hard too.
It's not about boundaries, it's about barricades. They talk to or at you, never with you.
That’s fucking unreal . My world just did a explosion . So true
Agree 100%
OMG well said! They never respect boundaries, anyway.
Barricades - brilliant! 💎👌🏼
The best boundary is blocking them
That is a profound observation. I will be using this from here on out.
I put boundaries in place. And it caused the narcissist to have a meltdown and told me they didn’t want me in their life as I wasn’t respecting them.. I think they were trying to manipulate me and expected me to cave. I instead saw it as my opportunity to leave. And it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself.
Same here. My narc sister was so upset that I put up a boundary that she basically ended our relationship (but of course blamed me for it ending). She literally could not handle being told "No" and not getting what she wanted so she just discarded me
Yes. Every time I tried to put up boundaries, I was told how disrespectful I was
@@sadetiriana Or disrespected by them...Then time passes and they wanna act all, 'normal.' Or say gaslight phrase, "I apologize for my part" or "I always wanna keep my side of the street clean." Meanwhile, you remained silent when they wilded out and they're mad because you were taken aback and didn't engage.
If you can't avoid 'em totally, have ultimately found that going 'gray rock' is the only thing that 'works'.
I wish.
Being around them is not worth the effort.
If your in a situation where you can't leave such as I am, the best advice I ever got from a Dr was stop CARING!!! Stop caring how he/she feels about you, whether or not they love you, appreciate your thoughts, how you view things, etc. When I stopped caring, it was the most impowering thing I EVER did for myself. Then, I started learning tactics on how to deal with their awful, childish behavior. One thing I did was when he started yelling at me, I put my finger up and said "Stop yelling at me, talk to me" and I said it repeatedly until he stopped talking completely. I stood up for myself and refused to back down. Most of the time, I don't ask him, bc I get the sulking "I guess" response, LOL!!! So now I just tell him in a nice way "This trash is full, it needs to go out". Or I'll use flattery to get something such as "your stronger than me, can you take this trash out its to heavy to pick up". Such a ridiculous way to live but for the most part these ideas work.
The other thing is walk away, its called "gray rock". Meaning become silent as the grave and walk away. Stop engaging him. Darren is right, I quit explaining myself. These are my thoughts, take em or leave em! I don't care if you like it or not. His opinion of me no longer matters. I don't care how he feels about me, I just stopped caring, that was impowering!!!
So sad to live this way. I did this for a few years at the end not realizing there was a such thing as a covert narcissist. I finally had to leave. My soul felt empty, broken. I hope you get out. You deserve to live life fully.
They always say they love you but thrive on seeing you hurt
im battling to get the not caring down
@@conniepothas9760 I get you. I used to feel the exact same way. The "fear" of the unknown, of the consequences of standing up for myself, of putting the foul narcissist in their place would always stop me. But when I realized that a person who would be so uncaring and cruel towards me without any regard for my emotions wasn't' "worth" caring for and didn't "deserve" any special consideration from my end, I broke that hold.
Now I only go the extra mile for ppl. who have earned it through genuine kindness and not those who just demand it and think they deserve it. I pray you find the strength to do the same. It's truly liberating.
A narcissist will feed on an empathetic individual like a vampire. Or, try to make them feel like they have no feelings as in sympathy for them.
It’s terrifying when you actually do become aware these people exists because how many more are out there ?
I learned an acronym in my 12 Step Al-Anon program: JADE. I don’t ever have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (to a narcissist). It’s saved me a lot of pain and confusion, and I recommend it to my sponsees who have narcissists in their families.
Oh I love that! I am making a note of it, that's so useful. Thanks for sharing. 💖
#JADE ...ty.
Justify, argue, defend or explain. No more.
I'm fond of FOG
Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
I've watched this video more than ten times, because it's so hard to realise that we have been waiting for validation in our entire life and we were consistently neglected and depreciated. It's so painfull to realise that you are sorounded by people that envy you and tret you like an object
Distain! They treat us with complete distain. First my mother, then my youngest son who now has me financially trapped. I’m a disabled senior. I don’t expect happiness in my final years, but a break from this never-ending toxic offensive will be a blessing come my time. 😢
Once I left home I was never good enough. Support and encouragement no longer existed.
It’s extremely difficult to be safe in these relationships, the first thing they do is get control of your life and resources so you don’t have viable options.
After a lifelong tolerance to my sister’s awful behavior, I have finally had what I call a duh monent, “why am I putting up with this?”
Stay strong💕
Same 🙌🏽
Yup clicked the same way for me too. Like wait I don’t even like you enough for you to be berating me like that! BYE N BLOCKED
I managed my boundaries with my parents by cutting them off completely. It was literally the only way. Luckily I didn't realise their narcissism until I had long moved out and became completely independent, so it was a simple matter of blocking and deleting them. Yes I second guess myself sometimes but nowhere near as often and the guilt of cutting them off is subsiding into indifference. In even coaching a sibling into raising boundaries and cutting them off now that she has seen the light and realised she's in a tar pit of dysfunction. I've never felt as good as I do now thanks to removing my family from my life. Only those that recognise the narcissism and are willing to cut them off are welcome into my circle, I won't entertain agents and flying monkeys and enablers, only healthy people, and it is absolutely essential I do that so I may be free to be a good parent to my children.
1. Stop hoping for validation
2. Stop excusing them
3. Stop hoping they'll change
4. Stop explaining yourself
This absolutely sums it up. Amen!!
The most interesting aspect I have seen is, the covert narcissist in my life has stated that they cannot remember what awful behavior they did, but in the same breath, bring up things from many months, years, ago with pinpoint accuracy. I call it their convenient ailment.
This is excellent!!!! Having been gaslit for the first 18 years of my life and to this very day, I have lost all desire to share anything with them. I am thankful God has given me confidence and pleasure in just knowing I enjoy the projects and work I do. I have no need for anyone to validate me when Christ lives in me and He validates my decisions as He guides me.
Amazing, love this!!
Praise the Lord! Blessings on your journey healing and happiness.
Amen 🙏 and that's what I need to validation as christ died for me and saved me and kept me in his hand ..God bless you and give you strength
thank you, i needed to hear this today.
I found, my husband hates that I've found God amd he is constantly wanting me to move into sin actions, which is devastating.
You have described EXACTLY the experience I have with my husband. We've been separated twice. This last one has lasted 3 1/2 yrs now and I recently came to the realization that he has no intention to do what I told him he needs to do in order for me to even consider trying to put this relationship back together. He's been stringing me along for years and I've allowed it. I finally told him 4 weeks ago I'm done. We need to and this craziness. He asked for a deadline. I was confused and I asked him a deadline for what? He said a deadline as to whether or not I'm going to do that work or not. I looked at him and said "oh, you've misunderstood. Deadlines are passed. The deadline was yesterday. I'm done. It's time to end what's going on here."
The terminator analogy made a lot of sense to me--to see them as machines fulfilling a program without deviation. Trying to see them as humans capable of positive change has kept me stuck, either blaming myself or feeling like a failure when kindness and understanding do not enact change. It simply doesn't work. Your videos are immensely helpful to me, and others. Thank you.
Me too. I tried with understanding and kindness, but the cycle continued with no explanation or apology for their disgusting behaviour. I cannot believe people can be so cruel and entitled when they are such hypocrites. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I'm very forgiving but they pushed me too far and now I watch them playing the victim at work
Immensely
Here's a suggestion, stay 5,000 miles away from them!
Like other criminals, they only respect one thing: You showing them that they shouldn't mess with you or they'll get in trouble.
The zero sum world of the narcissist: validating others means invalidating one self.
"It's not their fault, it's their illness". Very true, they weaponize mental health conditions as their own narcissistic shield. Another excellent video, Darren.
Oh my god, it's so true! And they never do their health treataments properly so they can always play the poor victim role
Let’s be careful how we look at that because many people that come out of abusive relationships end up with complex post traumatic stress disorder and my daughter‘s telling me I’m playing the victim and what’s happening as she’s a strange in your self from me and blaming me now for everything. I take responsibility for specific things but I don’t take responsibility for not one shrink telling me I was an abusive marriage along my parents were abusing me and he worked for my parents and they’re still friends my ex and my dad and even my own attorney was backed into a corner by my dad telling me I should drop charges with my ex-husband my husband at the time was threatening my life this was during our divorce the judge was checked him out but we were going to the trial. It was a mess and I’ll tell you what I’m so happy I’m at peace I’m upset that my daughters estranged from me but awls I can do is pray that one day she wakes up if not she has a miserable road ahead.
i don’t believe that’s an excuse.
if you can acknowledge your illness effects others, you can do the inner work to better yourself.
That may be true - BUT its NOT your problem - their illness is for them to figure out.
Why we need mental hospitals back and children s home wow where are all the smart doctors we closed them 1980 a 😮😮😮😢😢😢😢😢😢
Excellent information! I has to go no contact with my entire narcissistic family. I finally realized that the cycle of abuse would never end.
That’s so sad 😞!! I hope you find peace and healing ❤️🩹
Me too…..it’s my mom in this case. She is now taking me to court. I have been really struggling with cutting her off ast year until the last 2 months. I started talking to a counselor……then this depp trial really led me down the hole of mental health issues in others instead of assuming it’s me. Finally, this week……I am finally starting to feel free and healthy. My counselor told me he saw no errors in my logic as I talked through my feelings and decisions I made. For the first time in 50+ years I finally realize….I am not the problem…..and I am much closer to healthy than I ever thought possible!
Yes I'm there at age 65. Can't take it anymore. Ruined my life.
It really doesn't. Terribly sad.
Anyone else have PTSD?
Thank you for these videos. I have several relatives who fit the narcissistic profile. The one quality they all seem to have in common is their relentlessness. Whatever they're doing or saying, they will steamroll you with it for years, even decades, until you are completely flattened.
Narcissist rules of engagement:
1. My perspective is the only important perspective.
2. I make the rules, and they only apply to you, not me.
3. Rules are subject to change by me at any time, without prior notice.
4. I’m never wrong, and if I seem wrong, it’s your fault.
5. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine. This includes but is not limited to: your possessions, your money, your time, your health, and your mental stability.
After accepting these terms, having them snuck into your life disguised with love-bombs, how do you create safe boundaries in situations where it’s impossible to discard the situation entirely?
Get out.
So true your narcissist rules of engagement!
In response to your question IMHO have your own boundaries and be prepared to accept the fall out. Make a plan over the longer term to increasingly disengage with them and ideally get out.
RUN.
Add to that all kinds of promises which mean absolutely NOTHING!
When the interrogation starts from the covert narcissist I like to use the broken record approach; i.e. “i have no answers anymore; only the life I’ve lived.” Repeat ad nauseam. It’s fun to hear them try to work SO hard rephrasing questions when you know their game. It’s a small victory until you can go no-contact.
Great idea 💡
This reminded me of something I have forgotten over the last couple years: that I can’t and shouldn’t go to my mom for validation. Or even just human understanding. I have been extraordinarily busy and stressed the last couple of weeks and I made a comment that I haven’t been able to do something she wanted because I’ve barely had a moment of peace. Her response was to look at me for a moment and say, “you’re not a victim.”
This man has changed my life in 15 minutes... I genuinely feel so guilty for watching this video and seeking help .... I've got a route away from my toxic relationship with my brother and I can't wait to leave...
This has been life changing information and advice I thought I was in the wrong... I'm crying so much I needed this
"It's not their fault you didn't reply to their messages as quickly as possible. It's not their fault you're so sensitive. It's not their fault you can't take a joke. It's not their fault, they were drunk, or high at the time. It's not their fault you make them so angry. It's not their fault you aren't good enough. It's not their fault they can't change, you keep pushing them..." And on.. And on... and on..
Nothing is ever their fault unless you go no contact. Then suddenly, the fog will clear!
"They have seen the error of their ways! You're so amazing and perfect and sweet, you didn't deserve what they did. How could they do that to you! That's not who they are, but maybe they just needed a little time apart to realize how special and important you really are. Forgive them and they'll prove it. Don't think about the past. Delete all those mean texts and emails, that won't do anything but make you think badly of them, and make it harder to move forward free and clear."
All you need to do is come back and talk things over. They'll even send you gifts and money "just because"! And please don't think they're only doing it to win back your trust, they're just doing it because they like to see you happy. And really, all YOU have to do is admit you were wrong, too.. and move on with a cleeeeean slate. Because let's be honest, worst case scenario, you're just as much to blame as they are, because you know they hate it when you, "fill in the blank".
Returning and forgiving only confirms to them that you are a good supply for them. Easy to manipulate and easy to control. Why would they need to control themselves, when controlling you is so much more satisfying. 😔
The number one key to boundaries is that they come from within with your own actions. You aren't asking for permission or trying to verbally express your boundaries to other people. You are setting your boundaries for what YOU will do to treat yourself better. Maybe it's walking away, spending less time with that person, going no contact completely. You stop chasing their understanding and you stop caring about ever getting it. And then you shut them out with your same internal boundaries when they try to hoover you back in.
Narcisists behave like evil monsters. Plain and simple. Thank you Darren.
100% describes where I am after being totally destroyed over time by my narcissistic mother & flying monkey brother. This video really helps, but understanding & acceptance are 2 different things & accepting this is my mum & brother is too huge to deal with at the moment.
It takes time to accept the truth. Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve gone through what you’re experiencing
@@coqui8164 that is heartening to read. Thank You for your reply❤️🙂🙏
Me too but I have 2 flying monkey brothers and their wives and kids.
It's an army.
Validating, I've been searching for this simple word for so long to tell others about how to recognize a covert narc but i could only use real stories. The fact that these jerks desparately need everyone's validation for every small detail of their life but can't validate another person for a second is such a huge view into who and what they are. When you listen to them you are suppose to agree with every word said but if you speak its like they are wonder woman with an invisible shield that blocks every word. VALIDATION
Wow, this is amazing. I am in a horrible relationship with a narcissistic man. He is 40 years older than I am and a professional at this. He has destroyed many women with his mental games, his own adult children avoid him and he lied to me about their relationships and made the kids at fault. Now I'm the one making his life miserable. I feel so crazy sometimes but I have friends and family that keep trying to tell me I'm not the problem and I need to leave.
LEAVE NOW while you can. It will NEVER get better because it is all about them. It will NEVER be about you.
Yikes 40 years older. You probably don’t have that much in common. I too like older men. 27 years is the largest gap I’ve been in. Do you ever wonder why you are with him? There are 8 billion people on this planet, 25% are probably children, half of them are the opposite sex, a bunch of them are elderly (yours? Lol) still there are probably at least 1,000,000 suiters for you. You got this Girl. Free yourself!! Love from Denver!!
It’s what you deserve for dating someone thar old
He is a covert pedophile preying on your innocence. I would never be with someone even 8 years younger than me. That is horrifying. I'm so sorry honey. I went through the ringer with these types of relationships myself. You might want to look up "grooming." Once I learned what that was, I realized I surrounded myself with pedophiles for years starting in my teens. It may seem harsh and like a stretch to call them that, but it is NOT normal to want to be with someone way younger than you. Once you get older you can see how easy it is to be manipulated when you're young.
leave while you can.
Asserting yourself is very difficult, because narcissists are black belts in embarrassing someone. If you pushback against someone like this, they will immediately know how to make you feel bad about yourself. Also, I often try to obtain validation from them.
They are crazy, but they dont feel it. Just ignore them.
I finally ended a long term relationship after wanting to so many times. In the last year being with this person I did some research and found out they are a covert narcissist. It's been almost 2 months and I've deleted and blocked them but they keep finding ways to try to get me to break and answer then as I always did out of guilt. He never cared for my boundaries nor my desperation to find myself and heal my suicidal thoughts. At first these nonstop calls drained me and got my nervous system to go insane. I got to remind myself to observe, not absorb. To not react one bit . I will no longer break.
Thank you for your work.
Keep strong
It gets easier, 🌈
Observe not absorb.
Good
Trust the information on this channel and always remember how safe and happy you felt when he wasn’t around. Hold onto that!
Stay strong!! Wishing you the best 🥰
It’s good to hear the you can recover from a relationship like this gives me hope
10.22 - spoke directly to my heart. I keep second guessing myself if I should just for one last time explain why I feel the way I feel with my friend. She is a classic covert and after years of neglecting my instinct, I had suffered enough! Went no contact a month ago and boy! The freedom is truly liberating. However, I hated to not give her or anyone another chance. But this time, I am going to stop explaining myself. Period.
Thanks doc
Thank you, sir, for your work. You have been so helpful to me that I cannot even express it. All this time I wish someone had given me a user manual of sorts and here you are reading one to me aloud. The puzzle pieces are falling together and I'm seeing the picture for the first time in 52 years.
I try to follow Dr Ramani’s “deep” strategy, don’t defend, explain, engage, personalise. It’s a bit challenging to do when you’re married to one but it sure does work 👍
I've watched and read a lot about narcissists and you have by far and away the clearest descriptions of them. I had to figure out on my own not to expect any validation from them, NEVER heard that anywhere else! Thanks!
Please Darren, could you explain Cyclothymia. I had never heard of Cyclothymia, now have a close family member who has this diagnosis whose personality is now like someone deeply narcissistic then changes to be seemingly personable, then changes back to seeming to dislike and see badness in many, like the world is a place in which everyone is being over ruled to our detriment by persons in power. Like we do not have any autonomy over own lives. In a 'good' cycle all seems fairly normal and pleasant then there comes the narcissistic streak comes back then its back again to 'normal'.
Thank you Darren, I particularly liked your advice to "throw the question back" but I am afraid in this case it would lead to unplesantness by the listener.
Thank you for your topic suggestion
Really Excellent!! I have 2 sisters who are real narcissists. I am barely on speaking terms with one and the other one, I haven't spoken to her in 3 years. Very difficult dealing with family narcissists..... I think the most important things I learned.... Strong Personal Boundaries and stop looking for validation!!!!
Brilliant, concise and insightful. I've always struggled with understanding and enforcing boundaries. I liked the 'Let them do the work', ask a question about their question...Looking forward to Part 2 👌
It's ironic, the best way to win is not fighting - when it comes to dealing with narcissistic people
"Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
I recognize so many different people in my life in this aspect. It's tough getting them to let go but after they destroyed my relationship even with my own children it's ok. Everyone makes their own choices and believes what they want even if the evidence does not back it up. But life is good. Enjoy, even if it has to be alone. Thank you.
You're one of the best out there, Darren, with regard to all things Narcissism/Cluster B's. Thorough, concise and comprehensive especially for folks awakening to this insidious personality type. Thank you and cheers from Canada.
I concur!!! ❤️❤️
Me too!
I’m having problems with a co worker. I have found I have had to go to management with my problems who have been supportive. This has been a great relief to me. I thought if I sought help I may loose my job. To my surprise I realised I’m a valued member of the team and I feel so much better . I have not risen to any of the toxic co workers tactics. I have stayed silent. Not retaliate. Not given any fuel to their fire. Instead I have gained more in-site to the u acceptable behaviour and I am using grey rock method in my day to day encounters with this person. I find it hard in a day to day basis to keep level headed but I think before I engage. And engage as little as possible. The change has confused this toxic person as they cannot at the moment anyways find a way to upset or control me any longer. I enjoy my work and I do not want to leave so unfortunately I have to assert every day but with good information found in Darren’s upload I feel sure I’m a stronger person to understand these tactics. Thank you
I'm so glad I discovered your channel. Your knowledge is outstanding. All those times I thought I was crazy...didn't know I was being drained by a wicked narcissistic friend until I stood up for myself once and for all. Now I have the knowledge to prevent such toxic connections from ever repeating itself again.
A sister like that wreaked havoc in my life for as long as I can remember. Going ‘no contact’ 14 years ago made my life peaceful overnight. It came at a big cost with the loss of half my extended family but it was worth it. I wouldn’t trade my peace and freedom for anything 😁🌸☕️. Listening to your videos takes me back to that time and I just nod my head to every point. I love the way you explain it so simply. Love your channel 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you, Darren F Magee for breaking down this hot mess.
Could you do a video on the fine line between normal and narcissistic behaviour? Lots of people have some narcissistic traits, but don't have NPD. How can you tell when they're too far over the line and can't be reasoned with/changed?
Thanks for your suggestion. In the meantime if it helps, I made videos on the dark triad and narcissistic personality disorder if they help explain differences
Honestly, it doesn't matter. Don't get caught up with labels, as long as people are stepping out of line, or as soon as you realise a person is being disingenuous, manipulative, uncaring, dishonest etc, is the moment you stop engaging (you'll also stop enabling their behaviour by doing this, it's not to blame you, but these people thrive off of having the chance to be the way they are). It's not difficult to be good. People who struggle in this regard aren't people you really want around, narc or not. Ask yourself how difficult it is for you to imagine doing the things you don't like to other people, and you'll realise narc or not, bad people in general are simply disturbing! So, doesn't matter if a person is a narc or not, as long as they're being questionable, they or you can leave. If you're at work, minimise communication or find a better working environment by quitting- that's what I did. It will do your life and peace of mind wonders to have high standards for your environment 🧙
@@jordanferguson2254 Great comment. 👍🏾
@@lynzannabel6990 Thank you 🍀
Probably the simplest and clearest way is when you express some disagreement with them, as in when you present a view that happens to be different from theirs.
If they ignore you, red flag (but you could give benefit of the doubt).
If it comes up again, and they respond by getting personal, saying "are you ok?" etc, even though all you did was ask a question or express a different view than them, you should know then you are dealing with something toxic - because healthy people listen and deal with the actual topic rather than 'get personal' - which is especially not appropriate if it's a work colleague etc who has no business making something personal.
In work situations though, such people especially if they are old enough, tend to be 'clever' about being a bully, and they do it more gradually whereas the younger more inexperienced will tend to be more obvious/overt. Basically, you will start to know by your feelings, but it's not easy because on the outside these people can seem very confident and 'together'(more than the average person) - the reason for this being these people experience no self-doubt, they come across very sure of themselves.
When you share a house with a narc and they know you don't accept them getting drunk in the house or coming home so drunk they break lamps and knock things over and smoke grass, when they know you don't accept the behaviour and they know they're breaking boundaries doing it, what do you do ? When you can't leave cos there's nowhere to go..... I wonder what you would do in this situation.Your Boundaries are just a fun game to break when your a narc. They enjoy watching you squirm.and be upset when they go ahead and break them.
Alcoholic narcs are impossible
Lock the doors and turn on the sprinklers..
Record this activity. Start secretly creating an escape plan. Save money and put important docs together. You may have to run the day the Narc loses control and you could get hurt.
I hear you! Please realize you are in danger. Feeling you do not have alternatives is part of being manipulated, be aware of that. Seek help and plan to leave, unfortunately the person you are living with will not change, plus they will always use the excuse of not knowing what they where doing because they were intoxicated. Be aware this person has made you codependent to make sure you do not leave. YOU AND YOUR SAFETY FIRST! Blessings
Contact a domestic violence shelter. It's terrifying to leave, but it is the only way out. Be strong.
Depending on the situation, my one word answer most times is, "okay" and keep going.
"Stop explaining yourself...the more you explain yourself the more you give them the sense of control."...true...and plus, i often think that the Narcissists usually have hearing problem ..let alone understanding or listening for even hearing is not in their dictionary ....and this is because the only thing they are capable of hearing is... their own voice! They usually have a thick and high wall namely "me and I".....other people are just small insignificant planets orbiting around their ego.
The one thing I've noticed with all narcissists I've come across (including parents) is that they will assume or make things up when they don't know the truth.
Even if you or someone with correct information comes along, they've already decided they prefer their own version, and it's too late anyway, they've already told everyone else the made up version as well.
This is a common denominator with every narcissist I've ever known.
You can't really think in terms of boundaries with such a person who just seems to have no concept at all of a boundary.
The only way really is minimal (or no) contact.
Oh, and expect the lies to then escalate. The first time I went no contact around 15 years ago, my mother had tried to report me as a missing person, and told everyone I must be in trouble etc. Truth was I was fine(enjoying the peace and quiet really) and she could have found this out easily if she wanted to. I knew then as I know now she wished harm on me, for the drama and attention it would give her.
@Darren F Magee I have found the question asking to be very helpful as well. My favorite question to ridiculous assumptions/accusations is to ask them, "How did you arrive at that conclusion?"
For example, a narcissist states in conversation, "...because I know you don't particularly like black people." (Baiting) Instead of reacting in anger or defending myself ("I DO NOT dislike black people!") I calmly ask that question and they end up looking stupid when they have nothing to support their outlandish claim or make a lame attempt to manufacture something that I can easily smack down.
What really stood out for me in this video....'The more you try to reason, the more you look for change and the more you lose a sense of your self'. Yes I have lived this, I feel foolish now for trying so hard, but my Christian beliefs held me there, and he used that to his advantage, used Scripture to manipulate even, shining as such a helpful and charismatic man while I gradually fell apart. By the time I left I felt that if I didn't go now I would lose me, lose my mind and never find it again. I can only describe it as feeling like my mind was something tangible and outside of myself and it was moving further and further away. And if I didn't act it would be out my reach. This was 5 years ago and I still have triggers, these videos are helping me on the next leg of healing. But it's also resurrected as I am watching my 10 year old daughter, who currently still has contact, going through the same thing. He is remarried and the atmosphere there is toxic, they gaslight her and she is showing the confusion and torment that i went through. I feel helpless....if I educate her about it I will be accused of brainwashing. If I instigate no contact (even though ultimately I feel this is the optimum outcome), she may blame and hate me later. And so I watch and wait, ready when she's ready. Her eyes are being opened, she is intuitive and an excellent communicator. She has already expressed that the dad she wants is a fantasy. She knows. God saved me out of it, and I pray He will do the same for her, and hopefully before it is such a long journey back 🙏
Who cares if he accuses you of brainwashing. His opinion of you doesn’t deserve any weight because it’s always going to be something bad. She’s more important, surely.
This is spot on. My sister use to do all of these things to me and my husband couldn’t understand why I let her treat me the way that she did. After much revelation of what she was doing to me, I put my foot down and refused to play her games anymore. She definitely tried to change her tactics and I stood my ground. It set me free. I can now stand up to her and shut down her bullying
I appreciate your videos. I’ve watched several and they have been helping in my work on ending a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. This time, I am sticking to no contact. The vindictive this time has been escalated to him publicizing on a social page created in a fake name about me. I chose not to respond and contact the social media site to make them aware. I have changed my phone number and contacted the police when he showed up and would not leave my property & an order has been secured. He has still emailed and mailed things… it’s still a work in progress. Everyday, in every way I’m beginning to feel better about me. I’ll continue watching your videos; they are helping me understand to keep going and allow zero connection.
God's speed. Stay safe and free. You got this..
Thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge.
My experience has shown me that they will not change regardless of how much time has elapsed.
For many years I allowed other people abuse me. My step daughter humiliated me with the consent of my husband. Finally I decided to stand up for myself. And I went through tough fights. Felt like the whole world was against me. Unfortunately, in every culture the step mother is the evil one.
Now when I declared that I am a human being and no one is welcome to abuse me, I saw some backing down from the narcissist step daughter. It took me 4 years of fearless exhausting fights to protect not only my boundaries but also personality. Stand up for yourself, and never cease watching your territory. The enemy is like a roaring lion crouching behind you. They will set up traps and other failures to destroy you just for fun. Be cautious.
I'm glad you're safe now. 😊
I walked away at age 18. When I think about it now, as a child I was instinctively going 'grey rock' every single day. Look up 'grey rock' if you have not done so.
My mother to a T. Emotional blackmail is exactly it. Constant up and down and when she can't get to me because I've cut her out of my life she goes after my kids trying to tell them how wonderful I am and she doesn't understand why I'm not in her life anymore it's all just smoke and mirrors in the crazy circus of a narcissist
Oh, how I manage the boundaries with them? Two word responses that often end with “off”. I’m sorry, but it’s necessary with some people. It’s the only thing that will stop them in their tracks. I mean, why the need to continue to be polite with someone who’s determined to destroy you?
I LOVE the Terminator analogy! Such a succinct and helpful way of describing the pathology, of explaining the futility of trying change their behavior.
Your videos are some of the best videos that I have seen about narcissism. You’re straight foreword to what both parties are doing wrong when interacting. Also you say things to the person dealing with a narcissist that they don’t want to hear, but absolutely need to. 👏🏼 valuable content
OK I FOUND THEM. WATCHING NOW🖤
Thank you so much for your insight. It’s very validating!
Have learned to turn my back and walk away . There were so many of them around me but I made it . Thank God , it was not easy because we are too kind at heart . Yes , stay strong !
My short annecdote: "Sorry, I forgot! It's just habit for me to do [insert thing you've asked them NOT to do]. It means I love you when I do what's habit."
They aren't forgetting about this. They will always test the boundary, hoping you decide it's not worth fighting for, they never tire of doing this either.
Of all the explanations online of narcissist behavior, this is the most accurate.
Narcissist= someone who has never been punched in the face so hard they went unconscious. Everyone understands pain.
Thank you for this, very helpful.
For me in my case, If I do not set very firm boundaries with repercussions, it will never improve. With one of mine, there is a line drawn and that one must never engage with me in any way, period. The ramifications for any trespass are open, clear and very severe. The other is granted engagement but with zero wiggle room for abuse. If that is not respected they know damn well they will move into the other's zone. It would mean the end of the relationship immediately and for good. Tough stuff and you will appear to them to be the bad person for asserting yourself but it's the only way I can figure out to deal with it. They must understand in as much as they hate it that there do exists boundaries in place, even if they don't respect them. Good luck you beautiful people.
This was a good representation of their crazy making, thanks for your articulation
Narcissists don’t respect boundaries of any kind. At least that’s been my experience.
This is literally the most comprehensive video about what boundaries are - I have learned so much from this.
Thank you
yes me too
Unless my narcissistic sister needs something, money, admiration, or sympathy, she is nowhere to be found.
Thank you so much for this, I am on my path of healing and you help keep me on my path. Self respect is key. Miss my sister who was triangulated by my mother, never easy to let go of a toxic parent.
Imagine, spending your life continually walking on egg shells! In the end, it always falls apart anyway. One's co-dependency and dealing with that should be the issue to consider.
Good info. A little tough to hear myself on your words. 😔. The Terminator analogy is on point. Tried to talk to my narcissist father about this so he might have some shred empathy. Just felt like i was talking to a robot.
My mouth dropped open when you mentioned someone saying something the narcissist then repeats it as their own idea. wOW my narcissistic husband is so text book
It's true they use every single thing against you. Tea not coffee. It's so bizarre. I noticed the less I share, the more they hang onto whatever little they do get out of me. Like frenzied mice scurrying for something to grab onto to cause us misery.
This is brilliant. Worth listening to a number of times and coming back to it as well. Thank you so much Darren for providing this content 🙏
Wow. Really clarifying to hear this video. Bless you and your work.
Thank you Darren for your video on this topic...
Very helpful! Your comments have explained a lot and I feel refreshed. I am no longer in that situation but have struggled to deal with my feelings about that person.I now feel that leaving that situation was the best thing to do. I may see that person on certain occasions but now I have a few tools to use. Thank you!
Thank you, Darren. Intellectually, I have known these points regarding my narcissistic sibs, but I have continued to try to find common ground so we can relate in a supportive way so we actually enjoy each other as adults. No success really. They are totally disinterested in others, only interested in what they have to say. Sad, as we are in our late 60s. You have certainly helped me to find a place where ‘I can let this go’. One simply cannot relate to narcissists in healthy normal ways. You consistently and predictably get beaten up. Not sure how they find that fulfilling (but then again why did I choose to continue to subject myself). I don’t blame them as much as feel sorry for them. We grew up with emotionally distant parents. In my view, the subs compensated be developing narcissistic personalities, whereas I compensated by becoming an empath and a ‘pleaser’. I particularly resonated to what you said in a previous video about in health we are an effective balance between being internally aware and externally aware. They shifted toward being over,y internally aware and me, externally aware. It has only been in the past several years discovering Dr. Gabor Mate’s work on ‘compassionate inquiry’ to increase awareness about childhood trauma and mitigate its effects on us, as adults.
Professor-Elizabeth
Wow!
Speechless.
Thank you
This was very helpful. Thank you Darren.
This is a great video, Darren. Listening to it a second time. 👍🏽
How true how true, I have wondered for years what I am always doing wrong and why I am not good enough,now I know, thankyou
Great video! So well explained!!!!!
Thank you… very instructive! I will follow you and your videos!!!!
I found this video so helpful. Your approach is so easy to understand and I like your real examples.
Thank you so much for your videos! I find them very helpful and are clear explanations of past behaviors I have been exposed to.
Your videos are Amazingly on point.
great video
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE KIND
Everything you said is so true and I appreciate the information in light of how to handle these people and defuse them great tools one feeling hopeless thank you
Yes yes yes
This is spot on
Thanks
Thank you for making these amazing videos. I'm a new subbie. I even took notes on this so I can go over them until thyre ingrained in my narrative 🙂
Thank you for your Gift of encouragement, kind sir. You validated and strengthened my resolve this day. God’s Blessings upon you and all yours 🙏🏽
Great video! Thank you!