Nice Guy Syndrome
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- čas přidán 11. 09. 2024
- In this episode, I discuss Nice Guy Syndrome, it's symptoms and causes, and why it's not really a "nice" way to approach life.
Resources:
No More Mr. Nice Guy (Robert A. Glover)
www.amazon.com...
The Rational Male (Rollo Tomassi)
www.amazon.com...
What Women Want When They Test Men (Bruce Bryans)
www.amazon.com...
Understanding the Three Types of Men (Vital Mind Psychology)
• Understanding The Thre...
Nice Guy Syndrome: 16 Real Reasons Why Girls Find You Boring
www.lovepanky.c...
I Like Big Jerks and I Cannot Lie (Beth Leipholtz)
www.huffington...
Nice Guy Syndrome from a woman's perspective (she nails it!): czcams.com/video/6BU-Beof9hU/video.html
Lol, even tho she's half my age, that was pretty good!
Great video! I know what it's like to be the "nice guy". I think with that us INFP males, especially HSPs, our strength and masculinity will best come from our strong convictions and ideals as well as our open-mindedness to possibilities. We need to have a strong understanding and respect for our own core needs.
I'm definitely putting that on a T-shirt..."I'm a recovering nice guy"
My father was also a truck driver. I had very similar experience than you about who teach me masculinity. I was always with women. When my father try to teach me at my teenager years was a little late. I am still treating that syndrome that has conditioned my whole life.
Thank you, all of this is helpful and intelligent.
I wanted to add that If a women is saying just friends, then you don't have to dispose of her as a quality human to bond with, but move on when it comes to romance.. stop holding a candle for the girl that doesn't have chemistry for you.
I find it so interesting. INFPs want to be authentic and crave authenticity back, but we are oftentimes afraid to be authentic because of conditional beliefs and emotional trauma that fears abandonment. It's our paradox of wanting to be authentic and being inauthentic to come off as either a nice guy or a bad guy. Every woman I have attracted and gotten with I have been confident (after some meditation), flirty (to show my interest), and authentic. (Because in my case, neither the nice guy or the alpha male persona make me feel truly good, nor am I good at pretending to be something I'm not.) I used to get pissy with women and super aggressive when they would insult me because I thought it would make me appear strong, but I learned that behavior from wannabe tough guys. I don't know if other HSP are like this, but I am really dominant in the bedroom. I like to pull hair and bite my girl's neck, but maybe it's because I'm not naturally aggressive so maybe I like to experiment with my more dominant side? I'm a Gemini so maybe that has something to do with that and my spontaneous extroversion? I'd be best with a highly sensitive woman. Perhaps and ENFJ or an INFJ or another INFP. But I also would love a dominant woman as well as least to date for awhile, especially if they are extroverted. Oh my God. Those types of girls are really, really sexy as long as they aren't controlling, but even that sounds kind of hot because I don't always want to be the one in control. My friend dated a girl like that. It drove him nuts. He broke up with her and she told him "No you're not. You aren't going anywhere." I'd like to try and date her. She thinks I'm attractive. But always taking the lead EVERY SINGLE TIME? That's a boring chore to me... I don't care about playing social games with people or dominating over anybody, unless they shit on my deepest core values, then they see my dark side. It's a turn off to me. Umm this is tmi, but it's just what I felt like saying so I don't care.
Great book suggestions, I have heard Dr.Robert Glover speak and as a woman completely agree with his perspective, I'd also recommend "Models" by Mark Manson.
For a time I was researching pick-up artist books to better understand how to deal with the persistent guys that I've navigated around. When I came across "Models" I thought it would be the same eye rolling stuff, but it was very sensible and I agreed with 90% of it.
I'm really impressed by this podcast, it is well said, and better defined than most people know how to convey.
Thank you!! I have read "Models".. it is a really good book. Thanks for the comment!
Hey. Not to embarrass you but I saw that video last night. I know how it is to experience everything so deeply. You seem to be in pain. I self soothe with alcohol too. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. Ever since discovering I was HSP a year ago my life has changed and I've learned to except myself on a level I never thought possible but that doesn't erase the pain or depth of emotion. I wish you the best and every bit of strength you can muster to get through your difficult time. I've heard you mention your daughter. Sometimes focusing all our energy on our children and the seriousness of their wellbeing and upbringing can distract from our own pain and problems. Best of luck💓
Hi, thanks! Everything's cool... I was trying to make a video that was supposed to be like "being an HSP is hard sometimes, I feel you, don't let people get you down" kind of vibe. ...but after I saw your comment, I was like, this is getting misinterpreted as being of a much darker tone/mood than I was intending. So, I deleted it and was laughing at myself this morning. Note to self: Never make public videos while drinking beers. LOL! Thanks for you words of encouragement. Being an HSP is hard sometimes, and I was trying to express my solidarity with the peeps for all crazy shit we feel, but yeah, it was not my best work. I'm good tho.. thanks!! :-)
The HSP Experience Lol. Ok good. You know that we worry about other people too much sometimes, just can't help it. We all have melancholy moments (how can we not- the world is insane and we feel everything!) and alcohol numbs that but also makes us more brazen-we just don't all have CZcams channels to vent about it on! Lol. Take care, I really enjoy your channel (there's actually a podcast called 'the highly sensitive person podcast', made by a wonderful HSP named Kelly (some are posted on CZcams)I think you'd like)have a nice holiday season and enjoy that little girl of yours!
Happy Holiday's to you too! Thanks for checking on me... that was super cool of you. I use alcohol to reduce the over-stimulation I feel sometimes. I am actually going to take a break from alcohol for a while..it's not worth it (for me).
' you defend your positions' - people say only guilty people will defend themselves. If you are ok with things you do , you don't have to defend anything cause you don't give a shit if people accept what you do or they don't accept what you do. This is just how I see the problem.
i bought dr Glover's book after your recommendation. I have always been nice guy and after I read the book I realized how pathological to be nice guy is
Yeah, I had no idea either. There are thousands of guys like us that think they are doing the right thing by being "nice guys", but it's actually doing more harm than good. The goal is to be a man of authenticity and integrity, who respects himself, and is respected. It's not that we can no longer be nice people, but we refuse to be suckers, push-overs, followers, or avoid conflict. I see a lot of memes on the internet disparaging "nice guys", calling them undercover assholes, etc. ...but as a former "nice guy", I didn't consciously see it as a strategy, per se, I was truly just trying to be a super nice guy... That's why I don't disparage current "nice guys" because I was on the inside, and I know that they are just confused, like I was, and searching for a better perspective/life like everyone else.
Have you read either of the other two books I recommended? They are very practical when it comes to dating, the NNMNG book is great for describing and overcoming "nice guy" syndrome in general.
I have bought both books and read 80 percent of each so far. I found some interesting info on this guys' channell czcams.com/users/results?search_query=chazz+ellis
Awesome, I'll check it out... thanks!
Also, anything with Robert Glover is good... here's one..
czcams.com/video/BXEP1l2-XlM/video.html
Steve!!! I got into trouble because of listening to your podcast while driving!!! I ran out of gas for the first time in my life!!! 🙈
LOL!!.. oops.. :-)
My man still plays video games!! Les Go!! You should talk more about it?
Yessss!! I'm playing Far Cry 6 right now.. omg so good!! Playing co-op with a buddy... good times! 👊😊🎮
@@TheHSPExperience I’m just glad to know you’re okay 👌 👍btw I’m thinking about becoming a software engineer, perhaps you could make a second channel on the day of the life of a software engineer 😎
Hi Steve and everybody. I listened to this podcast some weeks ago and I had such a strong reaction to it, that I really wanted to share, but I got so heated while trying to explain, that I thought: I should probably wait for the emotions to calm down a bit before writing anything. But until this day, every time I start the answer in my head, the strong emotions just come back too, so I'm just gonna try and get it out of my system, hopefully. I personally HATE nice guys! There you go. 'Nice People' in general. And thank you for talking about the covert contract, because I never knew what exactly it was that drives me SO crazy when dealing with them and now I know!! I seem to have a sixth sense for covert contracts, so badly that I often smell them even if the 'nice' person themselves don't know they are doing it, and that's where it gets f*cking frustrating! Because I just knów it's al BS, they are not actually nice, they are just trying to get something from me. But when I call them out on their hidden agenda, they can't even own their shit! Which ends up in me being the 'bad guy' for saying these 'horrible' things about this 'oh so nice person' -how dare you- And it drives me freaking insane! I grew up in a family full of this BS fake niceness, and I was the trouble maker for freaking out about the unbearable amount of fakeness going on beneath the surface of it all. But they just deny it, I'm the bad guy for being nasty to nice people. Aaaargh.
(I left out at least 10 more swearing words 😂 this topic makes me sooooo tense 😖😖 but I thought it was good to share how fake and crazy making these 'nice guy' F covert contracts are, I think it's important to know the effects of it 😬) it's almost as crazy making as gaslighting, because something happens, I call them out or notice it, and they completely deny or don't even know they are doing it 🤯🤯 and then turn it around to attack me 😖)
That's it 🙈😅 Pffff, and breath! 😏😜
.. ok, one more thing: not having an opinion about anything is also super F annoying, just saying. And not making any decisions as well. If I have to decide everything, it's super tiring and it's boring to hang out with you, and it also puts all responsibility on me 🤷♀️ urgh.
I'm sorry for being so nasty about it, it just drives me crazy 🙈
Ps. Fallen into the nice girl trap myself for a while a few years ago and totally not going back there, clearly 🤣
I love this comment! Yeah.. "nice guys" aren't really that nice, in the end.. :-)
@@TheHSPExperience uff 😉 I was a bit worried to be so intense about it, like, most people just agree with you and stuff, that is a safe way of reacting to a video, everybody happy, peace ☮️ and harmony etc 😛 but I just thought it could be interesting to hear someone freak out about what it feels like on the other side 😅 Hope you're well 👋🏽
@@ThisIsAnneleen I loved your freak out! LOL!! .. no worries.. yeah, my "Nice Guy" phase was kinda unintentional and unconscious... once I figured out what I was doing... I was like, f*ck this!! hahah! ...and I changed my ways. I used to make covert contracts, but NOT on purpose... it kinda had to do with the way I was raised and my religious upbringing and stuff.. These days, I try to be a kind person with pure motives and intentions vs. a "nice guy" operating under covert contracts. Some people use convert contracts intentionally tho... as part of their game... they are better known as Covert Narcissists.. LOL!! ...it's true tho... thanks for the comments!! I hope you are safe during this crazy coronavirus lock down we all going through.. peace!
@@TheHSPExperience and as for the quarantine... Ff, I live in Spain and over here the rules are crazy strict! Police everywhere, big fines if they catch you leaving the house and you don't have a life-threatening reason to do so. The whole country has turned into a guarded prison. It's tough! Necessary to keep everybody fiscally healthy, but it's becoming very hard on my mental health. Isolated from the world, it sounded good as an introvert going in, but depression and negative thinking were there véry quickly to keep me company 😔 and an obsession about food, must be the overall stress and the lack of escape from my square metres. Anyway, I didn't think it would get this serious and I definitely didn't think it would affect my mental health this much. Lockdown until mid April for now. A quarantine podcast could be good 😉 Take care and stay safe!
Yeeeeah... so my mom and dad got divorced before I was born. He left and never looked back. Growing up I only heard “her story” of him and knew him through 3 wedding pictures. Through the many many years of wanting to meet him I eventually found him through online people searches when I was 30. I flew my ex and kid out to Colorado and got to meet him which was great for closure but yeah don’t keep in touch. Meanwhile my mom like you said only knew how to raise me from a female standpoint. No shaving lessons, birds and the bees male conversation, etc. I just had to discover that through myself and others in not a dominate male figure.
Perhaps the lack of a dad and it’s effects are something I need to research better....
Hey, have you taken the HSP Test? If you haven't you should.. let me know the results. I'm curious if you are an HSP. Most INFPs are HSP (in my experience).
hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
Yeah I’m definitely an HSP (21 score on test) along with INFP. I stumbled into HSP shortly after finding out I was an INFP about 8 years ago. Also stumbled into being an “old soul” which not sure if you have found that topic yet...
Old soul vid - czcams.com/video/-XSJPpBgduM/video.html
Ok, now I understand your definition of "nice guy"... I got your point of view... It is very interesting to hear it... some times it is a little bit confusing of frustrating (to me)... because I'm listening and some times I'll like to stop you and say: "no no, wait, what are you talking about? it is not always like that.. it depends of..." But of course, I can not interact with your conversation if is just a video... But ok, it was nice to hear you. Keep making your videos, so many people can listen to you and feel identified. That's super positive!
I understand how it can be confusing, but there is a difference between being a nice person, which we all should be, and having "Nice Guy" syndrome, where guys are too nice, all the time (for a bunch of neurotic/psychological reasons). I'm still a nice person, even though I am no longer a push-over/"nice guy"... That is why I recommend the books and the videos I mention. They go into greater detail. A "Nice Guy" will recognize himself (or others) as "Nice Guys"... it is hard to explain to people who are not familiar with the phenomenon. Do a search for "nice guy syndrome" and you can find super detailed explanations. Thanks for the comments!
I'll check those books, I promise. And I'll check the definition of a "nice guy syndrome"... My son, as I have mentioned before (also by another of your video's) I'm sure he is HSP... so I am, but I'm the extrovert HSP, and my son is more the type of "introvert" but not completely (I see that he is very well accepted by friends and he has a tendency to have older friends)... Long story, I don't want to bother you with my son's story, but... I just want to thank you for your time to answer to my comments and for all your videos. I'll keep listening you from Holland.
Women do the nice thing too, but they want friends and acceptance for it. Over time they get resentful when others are selfish and don't extend the same niceness. My definition of nice is, "If I do stuff you like, you will like me and do nice things too and be my friend." But that comes from insecurity for both women and men. What I want is to be is kind. I do what is kind because I think it is the right thing to do. I expect no reward. I am not disappointed if I don't get a friend. Others cannot give what they can't or don't want to give. Sometimes the kind thing is NOT the nice thing. You do not enable shitty behavior. THAT can be difficult for NICE people. But that is what is best for you and them.
Amazing Insight. Thank You!! 💪💯👑
to me shit tests are humiliating. If somebody pushes you to explain yourself to this person it is humiliating to you. 1. Who is this person to shit test you in the first place ? 2. If you are ok with yourself you don't feel the need to prove anything to anybody . Do you agree with those points Steve ? There is a reason why you play videogames and if somebody doesn't like it , it is not your problem but theirs. I wouldn't explain myself to this lady who questioned your playing video games.
Well, women shit test men for a specific reason. They are trying to see if you are congruent in your beliefs and statements. It's not that they are making fun of us, or are trying to humiliate us... it's different than that... if a women is shit testing you, she is curious about you. It's a good thing, even though it feels like she is being rude or condescending. This video explains it WAY better than I can. Check this out -- Passing Shit Tests: czcams.com/video/ay24j9QFeO4/video.html
thanks for reply. after I posted my message to you I bought book you recommended about tests and started reading it. Now it all makes sense.
it's not a necessity. Just talk to me like a normal human being, and don't test my patience, and try to insult me. I think that's a pretty reasonable request to not make fun of people for their personal hobbies. There's no excuse for that
Steve, can you give me link to nice guy stuff on reddit, I am talking about stuff you read at the end of your video ?
Here you go: www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/6ztvhb/nice_guys_are_fucking_boring/
thanks
Does anyone know what happened to this guy? I miss watchin this guy’s videos !
Hi! I'm still here.. I went through some depression and stuff last few months and it killed my creativity. I will be making new content soon. Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement. It means more than you know.. 😭💖🤗✨✨
@@TheHSPExperience yeah man don’t sweat it, if anything it’s probably better to have some free time of your own! Just make sure to take it easy and find something to keep your mind busy. I know as repetitive as it may seem, trust me I know, but finding something to do such as working on music or jogging can help with depression.Perhaps making a video or blog post on how u may feel can also help as we are always here to support you. Just remember that you are amazing and there is no one who can tell ya other wise
Is it a gender biased theory ??
Alpha-Chad. I can't stand that guy.
Hi thats why i dont trust men anymore
As i have been thru a hell with men brr