Mental Health Update (FTM) | Harrison Browne
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- čas přidán 27. 10. 2018
- Today I will be talking about my mental health and letting you all know how I'm feeling.
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So relatable. You're just bored. We subconsciously crave, need and require discipline and boundaries. Without that and something to strive for and look forward to, we have this feeling of emptiness. Good thing is you're just bored but you will feel much better once you get back active!! 🤗
Would you be able to play in a men's league? You'd be small but you've got the experience and skills
Counseling is really a wonderful gift that you can give yourself. You deserve it. Someone just going through their everyday 'mundane' life can need to go to see a counselor, so it's not at all unusual to think that you may need to go see someone. You're going through more changes right now than most do in a decade. Heck, for some an entire lifetime! All you have to do is call a few different places and see if they are taking new clients. It can take a handful of them to find someone you're comfortable with or you gel with easily, so please try not to get too discouraged.
It may not feel like it in this moment, but you're doing amazing things. Please remember to love yourself. ❤️
I understand how you are feeling when it comes to the sudden lack of structure. Thank you for being really real. Having someone to talk to is benificial, even if they're getting paid to listen ;)
Best wishes to you. This is an intense process -- one long growth spurt. Constant change, flux, challenges. The best we can do is stay awake/present-- ask ourselves questions and listen for our answers. It's a challenge to keep your soul fed -- to remember what truly feeds you -- and to find that in new and possibly unfamiliar forms. And time -- it all takes time. Remember that you have plenty. Hang in there.
I am going through something similar with running. In high school it was the reason that I took care of my body, and felt that it brought meaning and focus to my life. I have not yet run a race since transitioning, and am still figuring out my relationship with the sport and how to take care of my body.
Harrison, I cannot express how much this relates with me. For the past ten years I played hockey, and it consumed my life. I stopped playing competitively and left my college team to pursue my transition. There were so many things I looked forward to: testosterone, gender marker, name change, top surgery, you name it. In six months after I left that college, I had completed all of that. Top surgery was one of the highlights of my life and at that time I never felt happier.. but with time I began to feel like I lost a sense of purpose and that I had nothing to look forward to anymore. Truth be told, once you start to pass, you just become like every other guy and life isn’t as exciting anymore. It’s a thrill at first, but you get used to it and it becomes just like everything else. I found that having another hobby has filled that gap, and at least now I have some sense of purpose, even if it’s just my own enjoyment. I hope you find yours too, whether it be hockey or not. Best of luck, brother!
And this may seem a little weird but I really wish we could be IRL friends because I feel like were really alike. If you ever find yourself back in South Florida, you gotta let us know! There are a bunch of us who want to hang!
We are both around the same time on T at the moment, and I’ve had the same types of feelings over the last month or so. Up and down moods, days where I’m not motivated, feeling down etc. I kind of thought it was just me, but looking deeper into how I’ve been feeling.. I feel like maybe it has to do with my hormonal changes mostly. I guess we are going through a second puberty, so thinking back to the first puberty I guess those same types of feelings came up then too. It’s a lot of changes to handle even though it’s something you want, it does add up I think. Counselling is a fantastic idea as I feel it helps a LOT. Keep your head up and know you have tons of support and people to chat with if you need or want to, including myself :) I’m in London ON! Always open to chats :)
Would you ever consider playing hockey for a men’s team, just for fun? Or coaching?
This is my first year on T (Started Dec 2017) and I had Top Surgery a few months ago too. My mental health hasn’t been great either lately and I can totally relate to what you’re going through. I think seeing a therapist would be very helpful for you. It has been for me. Part of my depression is due to post-surgery depression, but I’m also going through a lot of changes, even though I’m happy with all the changes, it can still be overwhelming.
Hang in there and cuddle with your ferrets.👍🏼💕
You took the words right outta my brain, I felt the same way and still do. I played college basketball and felt unsure what to do because that took up my entire life over the years. Its tough to find yourself when starting a new chapter. You'll get through it, as cliche as that sounds.
Good Luck my man!
I totally get how you feel. It really sucks, but it definitely won’t last forever. Lots of people have already said this but it’s really important to find things to occupy your time. And I would recommend therapy to anybody. It’s very helpful, and in my experience it’s definitely not as intimidating and scary as it might seem at first :)
Side note: I love seeing all these trans athletes in the comments. I often feel very isolated as a trans athlete because I’m at the intersection of two very different worlds but it’s great to see other people in the same situation, and of course to have awesome role models like Harrison.
Harrison my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Just remember you have a lot of changes happening right now. Switching from your regular hockey routine to a different professional life is a big step all on it's own, transitioning is a big step all on it's own as well. I hope you are able to find a new balance and that your mood stabilizes.
I'm sorry things are rough right now. I really think that talking with a counselor could be helpful for you. I'd start out by googling counselors in your area and calling them to see if you can make an appointment or you could maybe ask your primary care doctor to recommend counselors (but I love in the states, so I don't totally understand how healthcare works in Canada). A trained counselor can help you sort these things out. Hang in there, man.
First off I have followed your journey and live watching your videos. I love how real you are. You may not feel so great right now but I want you to know from me being an insider looking in you are such an inspiration and a incredible person. You bring so much to the world. I look forward to hearing everything you want to talk about. I wish I knew you personally and could just hang out with you. I know that will probably never happen. But a dream of mine. You inspire me to be a better person. Take life one day at a time and try not to get to overwhelmed. You will get to where you want o be. Keep your eye on the prize. But don’t ever stop being you cause your so beautiful inside and out. You still are an amazing athlete and don’t let that passion go you are still the same person. Don’t forget that.!! 😉
A 50+ year old with more than a few issues...early 20's are super hard regardless. You have been through a ton too. Remember: 1) You've been an inspiration to lots of people, even gender stable old guys, 2)Realize you are in an inevitable transition due to age; hockey is for the young, and 3)the next steps are probably going to be awesome and exciting. You rock. BTW, give a shout to any Massachusetts friends you have..Tell them to vote to keep trans rights (Yes on 3). Take care of yourself.
Hugs. I will be starting a new job soon (hopefully) and I'm nervous. It's only seasonal and I have been looking for a permanent career, but I don't get called back for an interview. I totally understand how you're feeling. Always here for you. ❤️
It's totally OK to feel down and lost. I moved from Venezuela to Spain 3 years ago. I felt so lonely and lost and useless because I couldn't find a proper job after 8 very long and overwhelming confusing months. I singed up to a gym and met people, good people. I was part of a jiutitsu training team. I had a purpose, a routine and felt much better. After I got a good job and made friends and had a routine I could finally feel like myself again. You might be going through changes in your life. You're not alone. It's good to talk to people you trust and keep looking for a job :) my best wishes!
i would really recommend getting back into exercise. seeming you were a professional hockey player, i imagine you probably rely more on sport to be happy than you think you do and going from having a very strict training regime to not really doing anything can have a big affect on your mental health. whether it be running, lifting, swimming, biking, whatever, just do something regularly and i imagine you will see improvements in how you feel
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve played travel hockey for the last 10 years. This year I gave it up to Go to film school. It’s a huge change. Ive gone from having a schedule and playing hockey 6 days a week and doing what I love to not having a set schedule and having to much time on my hands. I have depression and when I have to much time on my hands I kind of just get lost in my head a little bit. But once I get moving and keep my self busy I feel a lot better. I also moved to a whole new state for school. I lived in a super small town in Michigan and now I live in Chicago. I love what I’m doing and the choices I’ve made but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing and if I’m heading in the right direction. All of my teammates in the past are now playing college hockey and I do get really jealous seeing them starting there season and I’m wishing im out there on the ice with them. Even tho I did get offers to play college hockey none of the schools had film programs. Anyway if you ever wanna talk about it feel free to message me becouse I know exactly how you feel!!!!
How come you stopped your hockey career? Is it because of your transition and it’s harder to get into a men’s league? Get back into your hockey life man! You’re amazing and keep your head up! We’re all here for youn
*you
I’m with others about getting back into hockey. No reason why you can’t still love it.
I love sport and martial arts. I have represented my country multiple times in multiple different sports and martial arts.
But all of them were before I came out as trans. Now I’m a physically tiny (even compared to women) pre everything transman. And martial arts, physical strength plays a huge part. But I still love the same things. I’ve made arrangements to start competing with the men. I know I’m at a massive disadvantage and I’ve found it hard to accept I probably will never represent my country again. But I’m not giving up. I’m going to train as hard as I can and I am going to prove I can still do what I love.
Whether you join the men’s league or a casual club is your choice. But you shouldn’t give up on what you love. As the changes from T make you stronger then it should become easier to play with the guys.
I think what you describe is actually quite common. Parallels my experience, and from the comments a lot of your subscribers too.
Change/transition is exactly that I gurss..it's a "between" pace or time of limbo. Like a trapeze artist..We've let go of the old but familiar us (however we felt about us and that timeline) and we haven't quite yet grabbed the new us..
It's like that moment between letting go go of one handle but not quite having caught the other one..it's not comfy space. Change is about loss..no matter how awesome the gains or how elective the process is. So yeah, a loss of confidence, purpose, identity, the familiar ..it's intense and scary.
Thanks for being honest! This is what we need to hear and have normalised by people "fessing up". Therapy does hit the spot and as you say get your habits back!
I’m sure this has already been suggested, but in case it has not.....get your T levels checked. I felt very “blah” and down at around 6 months on T and it was because of my need to increase my dose of testosterone. Also, counseling is a good idea and you’re right that everything on the internet isn’t exactly as it seems
usually the best way to use the "time off" is not to indulge yoursrlf but to learn something new you never had the oportunity to while you were professional athlete. you were very good at improving hockey skills and it consumed a lot of your time, but now you have time to learn amything in the world you want to. apply the discipline you have into something new. also, everything you are experiencing is normal, you just need to learn to live differently and thats not easy. let yourself be sad and depressed and then pick yourself up and start learning new things. same way you learned hockey. I graduated from university and was immediately thrown into freelancing, because in my profession you cant really have a permanent job, so you switch from a routine you had at school to no routine and no schedule at all. And it is difficult. But you get used to it. So you are fine, of course go to therapy it will help you, but also don't worry, everything you are experiencing is normal. 🙂
You should go to therapy. trust me it the best thing. Right now you have all signs that you going trough a depression. And it’s okay. Don’t ever think that is wrong or that it’s not okay to cry and stuff. I’ve been trough ruff stuff in the last few years and found out I have anxiety and need medicine because my brain is not 100% okay. But .. I’m happy I’m in my meds because it does help you a lot. Everything comes together at the end. You should try too to find something else that you like. Idk if you went to school or how old are you but it’s never too late to find a passion or to feel happy about doing something that you like. For example I’m in love with tv production and that is my everyday therapy. It keeps me happy because I like it and I’m good on that. You should analyze the things you like besides hockey and you will find a way. Maybe it’s a side effect of T and a doctor can help you figure out that. It’s about trying and looking ways to feel better. You will always have your followers that will listen to you too. I hope you feel better soon! And remember you are strong!
I’m moving to toronto soon so we should hangout
Yeah I feel very similar in the ways containing to sports. I played D2 soccer and always wanted to bring my game to the next level. Now that I quit to transition I have no clue what I’m doing anymore. Since I’ve never had all this free time and it’s kinda saddening to know I’ll never play soccer at a high level again.
As a physician that has friends with FTM transgender kids I am going to give you a little advise if you are open to it. If not you can tell me to go climb a tree! Situational depression is not unusual with major issues or more importantly major changes in your life. You have two major changes in your life that are separate and are related as well. You have finished school, gave up a part of your life that was there for more than a decade, and now are looking for gainful employment. One thing I can tell you that I told all my five kids is that in 2018 you have to go out and market and sell your self enthusiastically to a prospective employer. My eldest son had a degree in psychology but works as a finance manager in a high end luxury car dealer and will make near $200,000 this year. He worked his ass off for over two years and was aggressive to get there. I am speaking from our experience as I don't know what effort you have put in so far and I may be off base. I do know that sending out a bunch or resumes and waiting on a response doesn't work very well anymore. There are so many young adults out looking for work. Depression can slow us down in so many ways especially in our daily life and routines. I am fully supportive of you in your transition and I know you seem secure in your decisions, and your right we have no idea what you go through mentally and physically on a daily basis. You need to ask yourself are you depressed because you can't play hockey, or don't have a job that you want, or that your social/intimacy world is not what you thought it would be with transitioning. These are the things I think it would help you to talk about even if you think you have these figured out. I have spoken to my friend's kids several times about these issues and though they are a few years younger, they have the same questions of purpose and reason for existence. A few suggestions might be to go play hockey on a city league or church team, go volunteer as a youth hockey coach as anyone would grab you up in a heartbeat. It will be easy for them to see you as the wonderful kind person you are and they will accept you!! They may have questions but you can educate them. It took me months ( I'm a right wing conservative by the way) to educate myself on your world to help these kids and it enriched my world considerably. If you want a job keep going back, keep presenting yourself professionally. I am a heart surgeon not a psychiatrist but if you want to talk I am here for you. Sometimes it helps just to verbalize your feelings so you can hear them out loud. If you want to talk let me know and we can find a way off social media. Message me if you want on facebook.
I hope things get better for you soon. Try to have a positive outlook - just because you're struggling now doesn't mean that you'll always be struggling. This is a difficult time in your life, but it will pass. And thank you for being an advocate for transgender rights Harrison 👍
Also I can sympathise with the identity thing - I used to be on track to have a career in academia, but I chose a different path. It's hard sometimes, because it was such a huge part of how I saw myself. But gradually, your identity changes - you get a new job, meet new people, etc.
Dude! Please remember that you are going thru puberty again. It is NOT easy but you WILL make it. Your body thinks it’s 13 years old right now with all the physical and emotional changes that entails. IMO, the best way to get out of a negative funk is (a) make a list of all the things you are grateful for. Concentrate on what you have rather than what you don’t. (b) Volunteer with an organization that’s important to you. Share your talents or interests with like-minded people. Volunteering often leads to a job offer within the very organization you are volunteering with. It allows them to see what you’re made of. Coach youth hockey, work a hotline at your local LGBT center, deliver Meals on Wheels to senior citizens... whatever interests you. The best way to stop feeling bummed out is to help someone less fortunate. It gets better. You’ve got this.
I know how you feel at the moment because playing a sport that you love so much and not being able to play sucks for me I love soccer so much and I am not able to to play and I know that every time soccer season is around and I know how it feels to put your self down because as being a trans man myself and hiding it from my parents and they don’t even know that I am gay too sucks and on top of that I put myself down to much and I tell myself I am worth anything at all and I just let Myself go and I don’t use myself for any use which I know sucks and to hear your story put me to tears watching it because I feel the same way you do and to know that I only have have my partner that’s is a trans man himself he is the only person I can talk to and wanting to self harm because I can’t handle anything else and to know that my friends are playing soccer and I am not with them sucks bad and you INSPIRE me so much💙 (everyday I watch your singing video and I singing along with you and you are really attractive mostly your voice turns me on so much) much love to you 💚🧡❤️
Sorry to hear that life is throwing you some shitty curve-balls right now, Harrison. It's definitely easier to be overwhelmed by negativity than it is to be happy and positive on a constant basis. Happiness is a struggle, especially for someone going through so many life changes as you are right now. You have a good gut instinct, though - talking to a counselor is definitely, definitely a good idea, especially now that you're leaving one career for another. A lot of athletes go through the same transition but will refuse to talk to someone because they think they don't need the help. Everyone needs help at some point, and its okay that you do and that you're admitting it.
From personal experience, I'd recommend you taking up a google search for LGBT+ affirming counselors in the TO area. A good site to look for one, and where I found my therapist here in AB, is Psychology Today. You can search for a therapist based on your needs - in this case, LGBT, Transgender, Careers etc. - and most of them will also list their fees and where you can contact them. Seeking therapy is a humbling experience, and a helpful one. Often when I've gone, I didn't realise how much I was holding in until my therapist hit on a trigger question that allowed me to just...vent and be heard and responded to with helpful ideas or inspiration for the future. Talking to someone will help, you just have to be willing to accept that you need to do so.
If you aren't already, perhaps you could get involved with your local PFLAG organisation? Taking some of your thoughts to a group meeting can be helpful, too, if you can't get to a therapist for a while. If you're lucky, you might even find multiple PFLAG meetups during the month to go to. The people there can help you not just with LGBT issues, but also with general life issues. Hell, some folks there are really inspiring, too. Maybe being surrounded by that strength will help bolster yours.
Have you thought about going back to school? If you're happy with what you're doing now (advocacy etc), you could find success in getting a degree in social justice or other areas similar to advocacy. Just a thought!
As for finding yourself bored and out of a routine, maybe you could get involved with a fitness club? Or, alternately, any club or group in general that you could volunteer for. Padding your current schedule with groups or club events that get you out of the house might help deal with that listlessness you're feeling right now.
I hope your fortunes turn for the better soon and wish you the best in your future!
I am going through something similar with running. In high school it was the reason that I took care of my body, and felt that it brought meaning and focus to my life. I have not yet run a race since transitioning, and am still figuring out my relationship with the sport and how to take care of my body.