WHEN THE INFJ STARTS PUTTING THEMSELVES FIRST (this is what happens)
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- čas přidán 10. 11. 2022
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What does it mean to put yourself first? It means your own priorities and needs come first. For many INFJs, this is a foreign concept because they've been conditioned by society for years that putting themselves first is not acceptable. When the INFJ finally puts themselves first, they are able to see what is most important in THEIR life. And guess what happens after you take care of yourself: You become more empathetic towards those around you without making yourself small.
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Is it hard for you to put yourself first as an INFJ?
😎Helping others is a gift where I don't expect anything in return.
But when helping others also damages me in any way I stop and reconsider, cauz how can I help others when I'm getting sick in the process?
🤔How is me getting sick helping others?
This often happens when I've met a narcissist where helping the narcissist = hurting myself, so I 've learned to simply avoid them at all cost.
Very much
Yes, absolutely. You nailed it, I feel too good for this world and I have trouble feeling a really connection with most people. For an example of putting yourself first in a way of helping others: Watch the Thomas Crown skits series entitled, "A rich person vs a really rich person...."
When I was younger and at the top of my game, I said, "I guess it's lonely when people can't keep up with me". Now, trying to rebuild, I say, "I accept that I will be alone most of the time".
it is & it isn't
Yes kinda. The unexpected difficulty of putting myself first was figuring out what DO I WANT?!?
Gabor Mate once said: As children we often have to choose between authenticity and attachment and sadly pretty much always we choose attachment as it's safe and often necessary for our survival. As adult we have to unlearn that and put ourselves first ❤️
Uggghh that attachment stuff, looking back on it, was 100% the cause of most of my issues. Putting me first--physically, mentally, and emotionally--has been nothing but beneficial. A broken screwdriver can't fix anything so self upkeep and maintenance has been good.
It took years of dealing with abuse and neglect, but when I finally quit putting up with others' b.s. by cutting them out of my life then everything became very clear: nobody gives a damn about you except YOU. Stand alone, and see how many ppl freak out about it. Probably no one unless they were USING you.
Heh yeah turns out everyone I considered close were using me bc they didn’t give two damns except to see why I wasn’t in their lives playing the long held roles
Also want to say that I was thinking about why I was friends for so long with certain people and it was because I saw myself serving a role and being useful in their lives. While the people who could have been good for ME, I felt like I wasn’t “worth” being their friend, but those were the people who actually liked me for me….limiting beliefs and subconscious playing out right there 🤯
As soon as I start saying no. Its like ppl. I thought I new. All took a ticket. One, two, three. Trun there back. Why? I put my own health, likes and SPENT MY OWN WEEKLY MONEY ON MYSELF... Omg shock. How DEAR I... WASN'T YOU ONLY HAVE €50.. WELL HEARS MY LAST €2 EUR. GET A COFFEE AS YOU LAUGH AT ME. ON YOUR WAY HOME.
WHO'S LAUGHING NOW..
We learned that we have conditioned ourselves to make people feel comfortable. Because if a person doesn't feel comfortable, we're gonna feel that pain. SO True...
Yo, infj's supporting each other, it'll spread and we'll all collectively help all of us become our best versions of ourselves. That'll make some hella big changes in our world
As an INFJ,remind myself that I am my first responsibility.🙏🏼
You don’t have to connect with other people through their world - that was so liberating. 😮
I've accepted that I may be alone forever, but I'm tired of selling myself down the river to make people like me. It doesn't work anyway. Thanks for your help ❤️
Funny that us INFJ give this same advice to the people around us. But we suck at taking our own advice!
Most of my life, I felt an obligation to help those in my family and at work. But after 38 years of married life, my wife died. My children were grown but they still hung around and were not living their own life and accepting responsibility for their own success. I didn't really concentrate on what I wanted to do when I had a family that required my support and input. But now, I'm living for me and fulfilling the things I have always wanted to accomplish but put off. It is such a freeing feeling to just concentrate on me. I'm more comfortable than ever before and life is really a joy.
This is similar to what I experienced after losing my husband of 44 years. If you want to share it, what triggered the decision to transform your focus?
I discovered you in 2020 lockdown and was super impressed. I got rid of everyone else; all the tarot people, all the other INFJ people, the twin flamers etc. all gone. You clearly have a very deep understanding of the trauma and sensitivity of our place in the human psyche. Thank you.
Omg yesss same!
Yes, same here! I hardly communicated with a lot of people that I was around on a weekly basis when the pandemic started. I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and was way less stressed. I still want to perform comedy at open mic nights, but I struggle with returning because I don't know how to deal with the stress of being around drunk people at the bar open mics.
Ditto
Omg are you me 😹 I was super obsessed with the twin flame tarot people for a while, but they’re literally just gaslighting you and giving you false hope. Wenzes is so much more practical and applicable to real life which is why I love her videos! 🙏
@@qazedc3 yes, the tarot etc always had the same diagnoses. I started to realise that a lot of the new age mystic thing, while tempting, is basically another kind of religious thinking. The material is easy to become obsessive about and in fact I found that it just encouraged me to indulge in fantasy scenarios that include real world pain when you are disappointed or disillusioned. INFJ stuff helped me relate to others much better; I understand my idealism much better now, I understand my fragility and strength.
I used to never put myself first. Then I started doing it, and it got easier, and for a while it was so empowering it got addicting, I started pissing a whole bunch of friends and other people off, and I realized that I needed to figure out how to properly manage this newfound "superpower". 😂 I learned how to put myself first, without it appearing to be rude or selfish to others. There are still times I don't, but for the most part, yes, I now put myself and my happiness, and my mental health first. 👍🏼
Thank you for all that you do, Wenzes! You're amazing! Hope you have an awesome 11/11 portal! 🙂🌹❤👍🏼
I’ve been putting myself first recently and many people drop by the wayside but that’s ok because they aren’t in ‘my corner’.
Fewer friends is better than a nest of narcissists around me.
Really made me ponder who my actual friends were and who was just using me for my 'energy'. Whether you believe in auras, spirits/souls, etc. some people are more draining than others.
Omg, when you said the reason why I feel like I can't connect is, "because you're not connecting through your truth". This was such an ahh ha moment. That's exactly how I feel. Growing up with a narc mom usually when I speak my truth I was either ignored or rejected so I stay quiet or don't rock the boat. I useto say, "know your audience" because it's safer than being disappointed or rejected. This video made me realize how much I make myself small in order to fit in. Why do I even want to fit in with people who even treat me this way.
Make yourself small, observe, be in 2nd row, do not express ... all the stuff you have learned in home with narc mother
Thank you so much for your wisdom, leadership and inspiration, Wenzes. I have never felt so understood, to the point that I am finally understanding myself better at age 57. Since finding you a couple weeks ago, you have helped me to find confidence, empowerment, and direction to make the change that has been brewing in me for years. You are truly saving the rest of my life!! Much love back to you!!! ❤️
Is it hard for me to put myself first as an INFJ? Yes. I do like to be helpful to people. yet, if I don't put myself first and take care of my needs before helping someone, then I can't help them without being preoccupied with my own concerns. For me, being a single INFJ, I am my own support system. So, I have to get ahead of the game before stuff happens. Preventative maintenance.
I had to do this the hard way because I was overgiving so much and was burnt out. The takers didn't like it but I didn't have a choice.
Same for me.
😅 Lol...I'm a hostess. I'm always putting others' needs before my own. It's just a part of my every day job, but I still practice self-care too. It's true that most people only like INFJs for what we do for them and not who we are though. It's a shame and not fair, but that's just how the majority of society is. I think the problem lies in people expecting so much of us and getting accustomed to our resilience, forgetting the fact that although we're kind, helpful, or generous, we're still normal humans and at some point have limits too like anybody else.
Thank you for mentioning that part about losing that capacity to dive deep into others. It gives me confirmation that I'm allowed to do that.
I am going through feelings of doubt and shame bc I can feel myself losing this capacity and I was wondering if I should abandon my journey towards more self expression.
Same!!
I am an empty nester. Putting myself first is amazing! I find I am attracting new people who are more my speed. I have not been told once that I am over the top.
In a nutshell our own expectations break our hearts
when i started putting myself first i became an intj. my healthier version of myself wasn't even only becoming an assertive type. i cant ever imagine it being hard for me to put myself first and i can't believe that was me once
I can see this happening to many INFJs.
What if you've been doing things for others for so long you know who you want to be and what you want in life anymore?😔
I’ve been there, it’s a process. Just start, take the first step and it will come to you
@Yup Yup Thank you!
It's true what you say about us thinking it's selfish, etc.. putting ourselves first. However, at my age you come to realize stuff, and I guess others call it 'self love'.
Pivoting toward letting YOUR light shine❣️ I’ve found that if I can stick to a new, fun, physical activity or other positive endeavor for 2 weeks, I’m able to break thru my own resistance to change.
Just 2 weeks and you begin to rewire your brain to enjoy & embrace your new epic adventure or new way of putting yourself FIRST. Why not? We’ve spent CONSIDERABLE time, energy & resources on catering to “others.”
Wenzes, I wish you would’ve been my little girl.🙂 I had 2 sons but always wanted a daughter. Problem is, I’d have spoiled ya rotten.🍎
But that’s A-ok, cuz look at ya now, huh!?
“She who laughs last, laughs the loudest.”
Boo-yah‼️
Oh my word, you have a terrific Facility for outlining the psychological aspect of the INFJ - I would advise anyone who is struggling to recognise their personality type to go to psychology - it’s all there - study NEITCHE NJUNG And you won’t go far wrong! In fact I would say I really don’t know how people navigate the world without looking at these two Masters - one has to have some way of knowing that one is in control of tracking one’s mental gymnastics? - I have lived long enough to know and understand the concept of the need for the INFJ to put oneself 1st - it’s only then I that you will understand the concept of being AN INFJ And fully realise your destiny! To realise this destiny of detachment is the worth the world -to become fully aware of the knowledge of yourself and your need for detachment, for retreat indeed to reclaim the time that you need to ponder and deliberate upon humanity‘s purpose is the greatest gift !!!!
I’m doing this right now, finally. I’m losing almost everyone. It’s incredibly eye opening, depressing, but freeing. We have to live our truths no matter what.
It’s so hard to do things for myself because I’m always concerned about how it effects everything else. Often times taking the sacrifice on my end to alleviate some kind of pressure I’m thinking the other person might have if I hold them to my standard
Living your own life on your own terms, is what makes Sigma more mysterious, and as a male Sigma, I see why people are more attracted to me because of mysteriousness.
I can tell you, it is great to not know how to go back to my former self because the confidence that radiates naturally for me comes out the very excitement of doing my own thing.
It's precious and irreplaceable💋🌹❤️😏😏😏😇
For years, I put everyone first. Then I finally learned to be truly happy, I needed to put my needs, not wants, first.
Make yourself small, observe, be in 2nd row, do not express ... all the stuff you have learned in home with narc mother
I started to prioritize myself 14 years ago after an unfufilling 33 year "marriage". I have had a lot to learn! I think I am an Enneagram 5, too.❣️
The job of putting first things first falls on my shoulders. No one else could do the job cheaper. No one else would do it for free. I'm a frickin INFJ freegan who always puts himself first. hee hee...♥
It still blows my mind how accurate this stuff is. It’s insane 🤯 Thank you, so true
I'm really struggling with abandonment and rejection. Really hurting.
Ha.. I don't know how grateful I am to you Wenzes. That's all I can say. I feel so incredibly seen. Your videos and the transformation I'm about to embark on internally are like a fresh of breath air. I can't believe how oblivious I was to the things that I truly wanted, the kind of relationships, my preferences etc. I don't know how I lived a life like that, putting my wants and feelings always at the very end. It was just so deeply subconsciously engrained in my being. You resemble an elder sister that I've always wanted, so wise and kind in taking this role as a guide for people like us. The best thing I might've done for myself this week was to stumble upon your videos. Thank you.
I found your channel yesterday, this content is awesome! I have been in trauma therapy for two years soon, and one of the biggest topics is dealing with all the feelings I suppressed as a kid in order to make everyone else happy. My parents were (and are) great, but I was still worried about being in the way for them doing what they loved If I expressed what I felt. (We lived abroad, and I was worried that if I was unhappy we would have to move back, away from the work they loved)
This video made so much sense!
The transition into putting myself first is SO much work, and even harder as a mom with little kids who express their needs and wants very loudly! 😅 But also a good place to practice… It would be nice to hear examples of what it looked like for you or your clients, that could be really helpful!
And thank you for explaining some of the things that change in this transition, including what you lose. It’s easier to trust the process when I have the bigger picture…
Do you know when your next bootcamp will be? I don’t think I want to join on such short notice(whey, see what I did there!), but it sounds so nice with a community of fellow infjs. Maybe I’ll get another chance.😊
This video spoke to my soul. God bless you.💐👏🏻
The most important person that you do not want to leave you and the very best friend that you could is the person you see when you look in the mirror. The other people come and go and when they go, they don't go empty handed. They will leave with some aspects/parts of you. The only person that will not leave you is you, so take care of you like no one else will. Take care all INFJ's. Love and care for yourselves.
Remember in Shakespears Hamlet, 'to thine own self be true'.
It's tuff. Cuz I can door slam society and begin to focus on me. But then that one person calls n it opens up that Capt sav-a-bro again n that takes a sec to turn off. I know them.
I think one of the key takeaways for me from this video is the "what if I had to choose" sentence, never really thought about it, but damn, really insightful! Going to start trying now.
thanks, beautiful soul. its really helpful to listen. some time you just need a verbal explanation, to proof your self doubt.
Thank you Wenzes. INFJ musician and producer here exploring these new landscapes, and finding accurate reflections of myself in everything you are saying to me. I'm in the weeds now with all this ....grateful for 2022 discoveries in personalities and narcissism education. Better late than never. 🙂
This video really spoke to me. I'm at a time in my life where I have to focus on myself and that's really hard thank you for making that.
Just listening to this, reminded me that I've come a long way with handling my emotions & how I feel about myself. I've dealt with a lot of healing my self behind closed doora & healing ... True Self acceptance isn't easy. Once you gave it there is nothing the next individual can say or do that can waiver that. You become unbothered by a lot... Waste of time caring about it.
Great video
Lost a lot of people but I didn’t know thats why I wasn’t fulfilled during those relationships and I forgot what it was to be proud of myself. Getting that back now and it feels great!
This hit home on so many levels. I really like the movie metaphor. That is a great measuring tool on this subject. I got a lot of work to do now. Haha
Thank you, i needed this.
THANK YOU!
You make so much sense!
I appreciate you!
I`m crazy happy I found your channel!
Thank you lovely 😍
Always On 🎯, and inspiring! 👍😃🤘
You have saved my life!
you're amazing! thank you so much
Thank you! ❤
Indeed... Thank you for sharing! ♥️
Thanks ♥️
Very informative and encouraging video - much appreciated
You're doing a great job! Thank you so much🙏🙏
You are amazing teacher. Thank you! 😀
Wow I am so so so glad I found your channel. Perfect timing too
That was very valuable content. Many thanks for it
This is so perfect! What an excellent explanation! Thanks Wenzes.
Wow this speaks to me as I evolve over the past 3 years.
Oh wow, that was goof
The most important video for me so far ,thankyou 🥰
Yes is now!
Thank you Wenzes,
Permission to live. Who knew we needed validation.
Thank you
Thank you Wenzes! Yeah family doesn’t understand with exception of my older brother. 😊
I really do love this channel
Wenzes, you really break this down and explain things that I never knew about myself.
You are Stunning btw!
What I keep wondering about when I'm listening to you Wendy is what kind of life you had in order to get to the point you are now. Do you have a personal story time video on your channel? I am fairly new here.
Beautiful video Wenzes!
I’m 61 years old.
Starting to do this now.
Thank you!
Wenzes you explain well so that I can understand me,thank you!!!
Wenzes you’re like the mom I never had lol 😭 Describing exactly how I feel each time. I’m at the feeling alone stage right now after cutting everyone out of my life and isolating myself for a while. Now I’m slowly refilling my life with the things I want, trying to discover new creative ways to fill that space within. I’m excited for that but also scared of what the future will bring. I’m not sure if life will ever be the same again but one thing for sure I will never lose myself to others again and my internal compass will be iron clad.
This is the truth. But it's not just infjs, it's not just us. But most people choose to be themselves, it's just about when are they gonna realize that, cause it's about self awareness at the end of the day. And you'll find that you have enough.
Ay my life a movie fr
Great video! I just took the Myers Briggs test today & I am an INFJ-Advocate personality type. I am going to make some serious changes for myself. Cheers!
Thank you sweetie your soooo lovely
thanks wenzes maybe we will meet in next life.
Because I am one
ive been doing this for sometime, to me its matter of not destroying the people who want to kill me out of jealousy. so if someone who doenst understand my logic, i explain it and if it is in group of people i humiliate them, they never cross my path again. easier that way. if i explain a logic in private i sure as hell let be calm and let them understand. hopefully.
Any videos in regards to infj with depression and suicidal thoughts? Asking for a friend 😬... if not, maybe the next video?
Yes and no.
It is very hard for me, because I went into a relationship and i had a baby,I forget about myself,this guy was hitting but i was trying to fix it, with something i have done nothing wrong I will still say sorry
The odd failure OK not gonna let all the past failure keep me back
Maybe i wasnt the main character when they tried playing their games on me instead of with me but took that role now.
Interesting
Where my INFJ Virgos at??? 🥰
an empty well is useless
Ehh. Easier when your not in fear from familial narcissist abuse that's gotten into every aspect of life ... There's no escape this is hell
This is a pretty simple decision for INFJs. Yes, INFJs are pillars for the people. There are appreciative people and those people don’t make you feel like the relationships are one sided. That you’re being used. But you’ll encounter people who do use you. There’s nothing wrong with drawing a line in the sand. Play your part to society. Afterward, cut off the parasites and keep the good people.
🌹
I’m 52 and just recently started trying to put myself first. Here’s what I have felt. Either, after doing something for myself, or in the midst of it, I feel guilty for doing so. Or, if I plan to do something for myself, I spend so much time and energy trying to compensate for that time by doing for others ahead of my spending time on my own. I hate both feelings, but it’s always there. I wind up not enjoying my alone time or cutting it short. Is this normal and how do I push through this?
Also 52, an INFJ with a degree in Psychology, and going through this. Yes, it's totally, completely, 100% normal. Keep in mind that the brain is a habit and pattern-forming machine. By the time you get to be our ages, we've ingrained the same pattern for 40-50 years. Anything that goes against the grain of that well-worn pattern is going to be - at best uncomfortable, and at worst - flat out painful.
What I can tell you is, like any muscle group that we begin to "work" after it's been neglected, it's going to be difficult at first. But don't let that dissuade you. Keep at it. It'll take some time (though FAR less than the time it took to build the original pattern in the first place), but eventually, one day you'll wake up and realize that it doesn't feel weird or uncomfortable any longer. It just feels normal.
At that point, you're on your way. :)
R.S., be kind and gentle w/yourself. The more you self-
Care, the easier it becomes.❣️
What happens if you started out in your 20s strong but slowly get worn down to the point where in your late 30s your struggling to get back to what matters to you… a sort of nihilism or apathy sets in.
Is it hard and difficult for me to put myself first,I always try to make everyone happy but yet am still treated badly,I have so many dreams
Hi Wenzes, what if you feel guilty for being an infj cause some other personality types constantly project to you passively that's its unfair you have to be so different and you didn't have to work for it and your life just blooms that way.
So what are we afraid of losing if we don't really own anything in this world?