The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship that Lasts | Maya Diamond | TEDxOakland
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- čas přidán 10. 02. 2019
- Why do some relationships thrive while others fail? Maya Diamond, MFT, MA, Expert Dating & Relationship Coach, has spent over 10 years helping singles find and maintain a loving and healthy relationship. In this talk, she shares the surprising key to a healthy and lasting relationship, the most common blocks to using this key, and how to remove the blocks. Discover how to have the relationship you truly desire and deserve. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
1. Accessability
2. Responsiveness (healthy skilled)
3. Engagement
Great talk, and aligns with all I’ve learned over the past decade. I have a lot to offer a future partner, but I will not settle for someone that isn’t emotionally responsive anymore.
I have never been in any relationship before as I'm a Muslim, but I find these
advises very useful , so i wish all the creatures on planet find happiness and truly love in their lives❤
and for you as well
Christ is the only way but I love you. I haven’t been in a relationship either but I’m working to it
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@@zzz.tyrone how so?
Why a Muslim can't be in a relationship? As a human being it's a natural thing...
Fifth block: your spouse has a bad day nearly every single day and you become overwhelmed with her problems and eventually run out of empathy and need to block out her complaining to keep your own sanity.
I do like this talk but the first step is to be with someone emotionally healthy to begin with, then follow this advice so you dont mess it up
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Facts. I hope it works out for u man
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Just because one person is willing to share, doesn’t obligate the other person to listen. Both parties need to be emotionally and mentally available to communicate. So unloading on your emotions on your unsuspecting spouse, then getting your feelings hurt because they weren’t emotionally available or didn’t reciprocate isn’t fair. It’s one sided. Maybe instead say “hey, can we talk for a minute”, or “I really need to talk to you”.
A big mistake people often have, is looking at marriage as “what can I get out of this relationship, that I may be lacking”. Nature hates a vacuum, so we look to supplement our shortcomings w/ people who fill a void. That’s a mistake because it puts unspoken expectations on people... who are also flawed and looking to fill their own shortcomings. This isn’t a healthy balanced relationship, because you aren’t seeing someone for who they are or what they could be.... but rather what you want/need them to be. True relationships flourish when people find fulfillment in serving others, especially when it’s inconvenient.
When you surround yourself will other people who are of a likeminded “servant leadership”, you’ll have a village of people looking to encourage growth in one another, instead of subconsciously looking to have their own needs met. Unspoken/unfulfilled expectations are the death of most relationships. And most people aren’t self aware enough to even realize they have these expectations, let alone examine how that impacts others.
That’s my biggest problem with most “relationship experts”. They want to tell you HOW to fix things, without really examining the root of the issue. When you realize the purpose of relationships, beyond the physical & emotional fulfillment, then you’ll understand the HOW. It won’t be a “date night” checklist. It will be done out of a genuine desire to meet the needs of your partner
Too correct
Man this was awesome. I really liked what you said about true relationship thrive when serving. In my life experience I have been taught, as a Christian man, that even Jesus came ‘to serve and not to be served’-so im not sure if your point was adopted from His words or from your own experience in life, but that was great point you made and not sure if you recognized the similarity
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
@@__human_ that’s exactly where it came from. Even the disciples put their own expectations on Jesus. To the point that Peter actually rebuked Jesus and told him “No, you’re not going to die”. Translation “no, that’s not what we need to happen”. You gotta be really feeling yourself to tell Jesus he’s wrong about his life’s purpose.
@@blessedakhidenor466 how?
Sharing emotions and simply complaining are two different things
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Read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
that was like, the best TedTalk i heard in my life
"Every 13 seconds a couple in the United States is breaking up."
Who is keeping that stat?
It was a great opening 😂
It could’ve been a general study between a group of people. For example they might have got a group of 500+ people to try and date each other the ones that connected were monitored and when they broke up they viewed the similarities between each breakup and why others didn’t break up and wrote it down into some sort of formula and applied it to the population to see a rough estimate of what it could be
80 percent of statistics are made up on the spot
google who knows everything about you
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
5:52, at this point is one of the most valuable parts of this video
Really succinct summary of lots of research, and I love the practical suggestions at the end.
Awesome talk! So needed in these times...
Wow - amazing, insightful, and helpful. Thank you!
The content is so great that it concludes most relationship problems.😲
The problem is that people can be emotional responsive for a while in the beginning - until you fall in love. Then they become distant and unresponsive. You end up trying to make it work for far longer than we should.
When this happens, someone isn't paying attention to their own needs. Our ability to listen and be supportive is a reflection of the support we offer ourselves. Someone who is just giving support may have an attachment wound and feel the need to perform for love. When we become distant like that, it's usually because there is an unmet need that we aren't speaking up about.
Love is an action word.
Love is an energy you're supposed to offer to a deserving human being otherwise it is being wasted and neglected, the effect is living in a miserable relationship with a spouse.
I love this. As an actor, when we have powerful words or statements, we are supposed to “move” or “act” upon them. Never stand still, but to always make the most powerful choice. Thank you.
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Thank you for the reminder.
What an absolutely amazing Ted Talk!!
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Totally sweet and effective approach to love!
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Love is mutual when we both care equally for each other
amazing message
thank u so much
Thank you, Maya. ❤
Who would want nowadays to make an effort and work on a relationship? Isn’t so much easier just throw away a toy when it becomes imperfect?
In all seriousness though, it’s great that there are so many people willing to build healthy and lasting relationships.
That's really true from her point of View
building great relationships is the key to an amazing networking. And, networking is the key to finding the right people who you can help out, and who can help you in return!:)
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Short simple and full of facts
Very good. And that will be a very healing relationship. Thank you. I agree whole heartedly. You are a very kind and loving teacher. 🙏🙏🙏 ❤
Yea you too have a great sense of humour ❤❤🎉 to be able acknowledge this
Great talk! I’d add the 5th reason to the absence of responsiveness - falling out of love with your partner. That’s partially why the lack of emotional responsiveness is alarming and makes us unhappy.
She is talking about people in love
True love is active, it's not just the daydream romantic fantasy of the initial honeymoon phase. True love involves acts of actively caring about your relationship in order to increase the depth of love, so that it grows and grows. It's not just a hormone.
Very helpful video. Thank you so much!
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Personally, I thought it was a great TED talk. I agree, as in the previous comment below, that we all need a community or a village to surround ourselves and thrive in. But it’s great to learn about the details of emotional responsiveness in order to help yourself and your immediate circle to flourish.
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Wow, thank You for sharing your insights! Emotions are powerful indeed.
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Great
Wonderful talk, can’t believe it’s so needed but it is apparently. Wow, I’m so grateful for this amazing talk!
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Thank you so much. THere are so many toxic videos out there on how to judge and blame others when you are attempting to navigate a relationship, based on the narcissistic modern dating culture of use then judge and discard. This video is a positive breath of fresh air.
this is total facts
Definitely needed to hear this
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We need each other to thrive.
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I watched this a good bit ago and it was amazing. Please watch this!!
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@@teemillion123 Idk man not my problem anymore.
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Class..
I talk to my dogs and hug them.. and cero drama lol
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Are there any examples for when this is not needed?
great.
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Your opening example completely negates that possibility that your partner is not "emotionally responsive" because perhaps he also is exhausted, had a hard day. Yes, relationships would be great if all people were always emotionally available - but too often - neither one is, and hence perhaps the problem is not that people aren't emotionally responsive, but that the container of having only one of other person to always be your emotional response is too small, as in you cannot get all your needs met by one person, as in maybe the key to a healthy relationship isn't endless self-help and being a "better" partner, but perhaps it's community, village. In the appropriate container, love unfolds naturally, we just need larger containers than the nuclear family.
I don't think she's denying we need larger container as well; she's just outlining how to have a strong partnership with one particular person. Which is a great foundation to support the larger community, friends, and children. Even if some people may find it difficult, doesn't mean it's not valuable or possible.
Thank you!! I've been with a partner who put WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT on me, she also happened to have BPD amongst other disorders. Mental health aside, life doesn't always work like this, sometimes people just need to come home and decompress. There's no magic bullet. Relationships take understanding and compromise above all else.
Work on building a healthy relationship and falling in love with the person that you see everyday, who has been through so much pain and heartache, but still manages to gets through it all.❤️
💙CZcamsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I find it hard to communicate with my girlfriend. Sometimes going out for a meal together is uncomfortable because we both just sit there in silence even tho we both just had fun at the water park before hand. I want to hear from actual people who have had bad communication and then managed to turn it around. Need a bit of hope
Read together: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. There’s a great exercise to communicate your emotions with examples and guidelines. It’s called "Love Letter" Technique.
Date an extrovert.
Seems like your and your girlfriend are in a good place! Just that she's an introvert and maybe so are you. But someone's got to take the lead in the conversation and establish emotional safety and there's videos on that. Im not a relationship therapist. So maybe if all else fails try that. Go alone or with her together. But it seems like you can at least have fun together so that's GREAT 👍
@@r011ing_thunder6 we broke up. She wasn't an introvert as she loved going out and meeting friends and doing stuff whenever possible. She just wasn't happy and maybe not ready for a relationship and because I had know her for so long before dating she must of been worried to cut it off and hurt my feeling which is the worse thing you can do because doing that only makes it more harder for both people. Thanks for the comment anyway ☺️
just got a girlfriend of which i’ve loved for 4 years and i have always sucked at being open and vulnerable with people and relationships in general sooo i’m really trying to make this work update i left her and then got into an 8 month relationship
I believe in you. You can do it.
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Wtf turn of events. 4 years u loved her and then u leave her. Would like to hear the story
a quick answer for the reason why there is more breakups statistically is that there exists the hookup culture
Eurika😊
The important things:
Repect
Careful
Honest
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Nice words
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Everyone has a different way of communicating. My partner needs to decompress quietly on his own. I have to vomit every thought in my head to feel better. So I give him his space to decompress and when he is receptive to talking, I let go. But I've noticed having to wait allows me to dismiss the really unimportant complaints. What this woman is describing is a romance novel. Men and woman do not exercise empathy in similar ways most of the time.
That’s why ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’ is a great book.
"I have a different experience and therefore this person is wrong"
question is... who's supposed to be taking care of who? Sounds like one is overworking themselves while the other becomes more and more irresponsible.
This sounds more like ONE thing a woman needs than what is the "key" to healthy relationships. I agree with most of the video, but it's so focused in a small part of a relationship, not the "key". If it's all on the guy to soothe the woman, than he needs to be appreciated, respected, and have his needs met in a traditional sense. There are better Ted talks on healthy relationships
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You’re right, It’s a good talk but as women need to be heard, men need to be appreciated. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
I struggled to hear this message just because it sounded as if men are typically dissociative and that brings up some of my own issues. I am someone who feels like I have been home with max and the iphone takes priority over me. Anywho... it was good presentation, if your able to connect with both parties in these scenarios you may find a large audience.
;)
Personally I find it really hard to do this because my partner wil think of it as needy since she's prioritizing apps, emails and planning first. This has really killed our relationship. I wish we lived 50 years earlier without all these distractions.
Agreed
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❤️
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Join the Army and realize how much you took everything for granted.
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@Faye Yañez you are away for three months and no you have no contact with one but yourself. You start to reflect yourself with everything you did and say to anyone. You don’t want to be that person anymore once it is all over
What a female bias version to love, at least the 1st part. But also a bit of credit to responsive People as a whole, undervalued!
I kind of agree with you, especially about that first segment. For example, just because someone has a "good" day at work, it doesn't mean that it wasn't intense or consuming and, therefore, exhausting. It just means that you got through it with minimal bumps and bruises. Therefore, quite possibly, preparing a whole dinner by yourself is not necessarily something that you have the energy for. How about cooking together so that it's not too demanding of either party?
Hello to whom it may concern...I had similar problems but I got help fixing my relationship and today am very happy
Wait? The husband comes home from an exhausting day and he has to 1. Listen to his wife unload and then cook as well? I get it but how about - She says babe I know you're also exhausted, clearly, let's cook together? I think that's better. Am I wrong?
Facts
That would be nice, but in that scenario, you're only considering your own exhaustion, and not hers. Ideally, You should be concerned about her exhaustion, while she is also concerned about yours. Also, being unwilling to listen to the things that happened in her day is a form of emotional unresponsiveness. If you hear her out, chances are that she would be more willing to make things easier on you as well.
I just wrote the EXACT same thing above. Agree with you 100%.
@@Leoo117 yes! So true
Agree!
My biggest regret is i didn't do that to my partner, now it doesn't matter anymore, no more chance to me to fix this. This video can't bring back my love
Wow
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The fresh perspective of this content is enlightening. A book with like themes provided a new understanding of life. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
omg... I'm not crazy....
3:07
I guess it depends what he does for a living. A desirable partner stays pretty busy taking care of the yard, vehicles, house projects on top of work things and I imagine it’s not easy for them to switch gears and be empathetic to certain types of emotional offloading. My suggestion is keep emotional offloading and complaining to a minimum and stick to constructive criticism.
This woman is describing a romance novel. She speaking from a woman's perspective. Men have very different needs and levels of empathy than women. They show concern and gratitude in very different ways. Expecting a man to meet your every emotional need halfway is a fools errand that will only lead to disappointment. We were meant to have groups of women to help us gather the emotional comfort we need in a tribal situation. I've learned to appreciate my husband of 20 years for the things he's good at, his loyalty and steadfastness. I reward him by not unloading my every emotional diarrhea on him. We are a very happy couple.
She is basically saying lads gotta up it lol
I want you to hold the same speech for a man who works in plumbing, and there was a break in a sewer line. I vomited about every 30 seconds because I stood waist-deep in others people's poo until I fixed it.
The husband comes from a long shift , tired and probably fed up and than comes home to cook and do more work! How is this fair, emotionally balanced, or healthy. He will burn out.
It’s hard for me to listen; whether it’s from nervousness or something else, adrenaline is like, havin a dadgum RAVE within my sister here-raising her voice register & makin it a bit shrill & shaky, like she is amped up🥴; I also feel like she might pass out any moment and it’s making me feel like I’m running out of breath🫣.. oh god help me, there just one more little thing- that “High School Valedictorian Speech” cadence, which is not something I expected when seeing *TED* 👀😳😬. I’m gonna have to see if there’s a more recent one she’s done maybe…see how far she’s come along, over time... I’m also gonna pretend this is was her first talk ever.
I also want to make it clear that I ain’t shitz, and I know it 💖💖💖!! Lol I’m simply unable to ignore those things, & feel like “welp, reckon I might as well point it out so’s to consider by any aspiring *TED-HED*(bahah), lest they make the same mistake…”. It can definitely make what you’re meaning to convey a lot more genuine & impactful, when we’re mindful of such a simple thing as our nerves, & how our body is reacting to excitement such as that.
Okay, the end
First
Sooo solition is dont ask ur female partner how they day was ??
I think I’m weird but I’m also happy Im not attracted to looks but I am attracted to personality Is that weird I guess that might just be how I work🤷♂️
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After the hours up kick em into motel parking lot
LMAO Responsiveness ? How about emotional responsibly.
Stop committing adultery it's a capital sin you will be judged by your deeds it's bad deed your deeds will be written learn about holy relationship in Islam which is marriage
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Not bad advice just one sided. "Us" often sounded like what a woman needs a man to do to feel connected. I also agree with Taddeh below, what if "he" also had a bad day. A man's emotional needs and expressions are different, If I just need to vent I call a girlfriend. Men are so stressed out and are not as vocal as women, as unfair / unbalanced as social roles seem, it's men dying of stress far younger. I seriously disagree with the Key being become emotional strong in order to support someone else's emotional codependency. Yes, improve but for yourself and expect the same from your partner. Something that does have Surprising Results is just greeting each other! For example instead of "how was your day" a truly generic extension of just saying "Hi" make it a habit to intentionally share 1 or 2 GOOD things that happened. Instead of listing off and re living negativity and hoping the other person knows how to react to make you feel connected; just be emotionally intelligent enough to say, "I really need a hug" or "do you think you could make dinner today" but my personal favorite after a hard day planning something enjoyable in the near future, even if its just a bath or a walk.
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@@feliciaabegunde5486 I'm not in a perfect relationship but in a growing and loving one that is realistic and fair to both of the individuals in it.
Why is the partner who comes home from work having to validate and give in to the person who stayed at home. Sounds completely one sided. This person needs to look at it from both sides. A truest healthy relationship is not built on “your happiness at the expense of mine”.
This is so BS
3:12