Seven Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
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- čas přidán 11. 07. 2024
- Ever asked yourself 'is my relationship toxic?' Darren Magee outlines seven signs of an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Looking at the red flags, and how the behaviours could a present warning it might be an unhealthy place to be. Unhealthy relationships can be with a partner, family member, friend or work colleagues.
Some of the unhealthy behaviours are:
1. Rules, conditions
2. Guilt and Shame
3. Constantly checking up - constantly having to explain - lack of privacy
4. Isolating
5. Double standards
6. Sabotage
7. Control
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#toxicrelationship #unhealthyrelationship #abusiverelationship
Thank you! The financial abuse/control is a giant red flag! I pray that all heal from this abuse as I have! God bless all of the survivors of these unstable relationships!
It's good to be single again after a toxic mental and financial abuse situation. A relationship with the better person will be in my future after I do my self care.
Hi Cynthia, Thanks for your comment. The financial abuse/control is HUGE. It's taken me 13 years to get past it & doing fine, but I'm left very fearful of any future relationships as a result. I wish healing and blessing to all here.
Dealing with this right now :( I'm trying to dig myself out of the last 5 years of abuse. Looking back, I can't believe it's gotten so bad. It's overwhelming at times.
it makes me laugh when 'friends' when shopping together claim they cannot afford lunch, so you shout them lunch, BUT 30mins later buy 2 expensive items
Know somebody like this. Can't afford a taxi or hire someone to cut her lawns and guilt trips unsuspecting people into doing things for her she claims she can't afford. Then brags about all the money she gives to her family, all the favours she does for them and how she refuses to take money from them when she buys them things.
Yep I had a friend like that for 20 some years had to ditch her. I paid most things we did together because she didn’t have the money then I find out she bought this expensive items online and she would even forget and show me. So she didn’t have enough money to pay her electric bill when she didn’t get anything for Christmas and then come out and say look what I bought myself a very expensive professional camera and I didn’t even have one. Always turned on me said you’re just trying to get away from me. She was also paranoid. Yep I finally did get away and never going back there ever again. Took me a long time because I thought she was my best friend even though she betrayed that friendship I forgave her. But she resented what I had all along instead of appreciating what I gave. She’s been out of my life now for over five years and I do not miss the anger, the drama, the rage, negativity, and it being everybody else’s fault but hers. Oh God did she have a Lotta rules if we were going to go anywhere we had to go when she wanted to go, where she wanted to go and come home when she wanted to come home. That’s just for a shopping date. Everything had to be completely set exactly the way she wanted it before she would do anything. When I look back on it I must’ve been crazy. I’d like to say I was the only one enabling her but I finally figured out she was playing everybody against everybody else in her life to get all her needs met. She would go from one person to another till someone coughed up what she needed. She had everybody feeling sorry for her but I think she finally ran out of friendly faces and friendly places.
That means they’re using you I had friends do that to me growing up.
@@hollandgem2 Well done on being able to say 'out of my life now for five years'. As I get older I find that life is still a learning process!
My narc husband of 32 years doesn't DO anything. What I mean is - he doesn't require things to be done a certain way because he doesn't know how anything is done since he doesn't do anything. The way I do things is just fine to him as long as he can do nothing and be undisturbed. He's not interested in what it takes to get things done as long as they are done and he didn't have to lift a finger.
Is this new behaviour or have you put up with it for 32 years?
@@kezf9846 I've put up with this for 32 years. Coverts are very good at plausible Deniability.
I had one like that when it came to taking care of the kids however they do it at least minded when everybody was watching and there could be people thinking they’re amazing then they’ll do it because they have to be amazing. They don’t do it just to help out they do it when they want something in return or they know they’re going to get something from it.
This is NOT evidence of narcissism - wanting to be left alone is in fact the opposite of narcissism, narcissists require constant attention and recognition. It sounds in fact like YOU may have the narcissistic tendencies, thinking that you are doing everything that ''needs'' to be done is by implication passing judgements on the other person's priorities and imposing yours upon them. Maybe time to see a shrink ?
I'm so glad I found your channel. You're videos are really helping me process and deal with the lingering effects of being married to a narcissist. Thanks for helping all of us. Thank you for showing us we're not alone.
I've also learned sooo much from DoctorRamani.
For me the effects of a narcissistic family.
Micro management is awful. Loving your easy delivery. Accent is lovely too.
They feel they have the right to pry into your personal business, friends, acquaintances, finances, etc. but don’t you dare question them about ANYTHING!!
Yes my NPD husband was opening my bills and then bitching at me about them I told him if he ever opened my mail again I would call the cops on him . He opened my license plate tabs recently and said he thought it was his it has clearly my name written right on it.
Oh so you've met my family 🥲
@@aliceroberts1980 almost everyone in my fam has opened my mail, they all learn from eachother how to pry into my business which ever way they can
There is a flipside to number 3...the amount of people being dodgy and hiding what's on their phones these days regarding cheating is shocking. If you have a bad feeling it's better to rip the bandaid off and know than to let infidelity or disloyalty continue forever just because you don't want to invade privacy. Trust your gut, as they say, within reason at least
I feel like that's never something you have to actively find out. If you're constantly worried about someone cheating on you then you're contributing to an unhealthy relationship whether they actually are or aren't cheating. Even if they're cheating but they still have the time for you and are treating you well then there's no reason, from your point of view, to be suspicious. That's something you should find out by accident or if they tell you, not something you had to find out for yourself
@@andrewgodly5739 if you're being cheated on you're not exactly being treated well, no matter how you want to spin it.
And if you're worried about being cheated on there's quite possibly a reason for that. To ignore it would be foolish, assuming there's reasonable grounds. You're literally placing blame on a 'victim' and telling them not to worry about a fire despite smelling smoke.
Good luck chasing the rationalisation hamster and tacitly condoning infidelity.
@@killjoyredux8361 the relationship should be broken over the fact that they're neglecting you, not that you suspect they're cheating. There's no need for you to invade their privacy over jealousy. It's also possible that your invasion of their privacy may actually cause them to look for another partner. Then if you do find out about them looking for a new relationship you might just reaffirm your suspicions and think they were cheating all along. The point is that jealous delusions are self-destructive, whether they're true or not
It's better to have trusted and been lied too, than to have distrusted an honest friend
Truths!
Unfortunately I have anxiety - can't go with my gut because my gut thinks absolutely everything is a credible threat
You just outlined my entire life. You hit every thing I experience every day. I’m not perfect by a long stretch, but I have experienced all of these things and they have just grown worse over time.
Insults. Concrete or veiled. I was called nasty, hateful names repeatedly for years. Always with the promise he didn't mean them, but literally couldn't make it a month without calling me the c- word. 594 days of no contact (which required a restraining order) but I'm finally close to normal again...
I can remember quite vividly situations where I’d make arrangements to go somewhere as an older teen / young adult and then being on the receiving end for not “just asking” my Dad to drive me. From both parents. They treated my independence as a bad thing, an insult to them, most of the time. One of the reasons we no longer speak.
My kid has been stranging me thinking that because now I’ve been turned as the bad guy abusive parent it’s interesting. I’ve done nothing but support her independence and tell her to be independent that she didn’t need a man get a career get a job that should be her primary thing so she don’t end up like me she dropped out of college acting strange doesn’t wanna talk to me pushing me away. I lost a brother a young age and I feel horrible if I can’t talk to my kids at least once a day. So I text her every day and tell her I love her and I miss her. She’s been estranged from me and for some reason I’m the bad guy and I told a therapist this would happen that my ex would turn her against me and I seen the insidious comments that she showed me that he was doing when she lived with me before she turned an adult and went to college because he travels. I’ve done nothing but support her independence and I’m worried about her future. My biggest nightmare would be her ending up being just like me stuck in an abusive relationship until she’s in her 40s I learned so many lessons way too late.
One piece of advice don’t allow anybody to hold you back from your independence but I’ll send know that you might need help sometimes to get where you’re going but just make sure that that help is from people that Karen love you and that are not sabotaging you because some people pretend to help you and they’re actually hurting you I had that happen in my life too. Good luck
Great video. I would also add emotional blackmail to the list such as saying I will leave you unless you improve or making you feel like not good enough or frequent comparison to others.
Absolutely so many instances of this is so many ways
🎯
Any and every piece of information that would put you in a vulnerable position, threats or throwing it your face.
I finally outed myself to my parents- in front of him- just to get some power back. And started making a list of information I wished I hadn't shared after the fact. Every single one was thrown up in my face! That was the end. No point in being married to someone you can only discuss the weather with.
@@loriallen9237 yes!! This!! My ex did the same damn thing! He also told me my parents hated my gods and now he could make me jealous with his new girlfriend his brother-in-law‘s younger sister now he moved on to Miss Texas some girl name Cindy in Dallas Texas and apparently since he works for the concrete company he’s like no trying to hurt me with my daughter since he can’t hurt me with making me jealous cause I don’t care. Now it’s easier to go after the kids. If they can’t hurt you one way they try another. I really feel sorry for them because they’re that messed up but I also think they should suffer for the way that they hurt innocent children and there should be laws on the books about this!!! Mine I told him she was mentally ill he’s like she’s fine he knew she was attempting possible suicide didn’t tell the cop when she ran off with friends put our child in a very vulnerable bad position.
Gosh yes! The rules!!! So many of them. Each mug of tea or coffee had to have a different amount of sugar or coffee in, depending on the size of the mug. I had to remember all of this.
His food had to be on his plate in certain palaces. Even if we went to a restaurant, he would get annoyed and move the food round before he would eat it.
I stuck to the rules, because it was just easier.
But, if I had a request, he would just do it his way. Especially pizza. He would always burn it. Because that's how he liked his. 12 years of asking him not to burn my pizza.
Maybe this falls under “control”, but one of the tactics I’ve personally experienced is repeatedly broken promises or shirking of planned commitments. The person helps plan a trip, a meeting, or some event, and then bails at the last moment, leaving the victim holding the bag and on the hook for following through. The victim feels the need to explain the offender’s behavior to those who were expecting him or her to show up. When bailing on their promises or plans, the offender will say something like, “I just don’t feel like doing this right now, but I’m not stopping you from going.”. This makes the victim feel like they are the one being unreasonable and demanding for asking the offender to live up to their promises. The offender doesn’t seem to feel any sense of responsibility and will bail on work colleagues, friends, family events - just about anything - without the slightest sense of regret or embarrassment. They often offer the vaguest of apologies when put on the spot, leaving the victim feeling humiliated and responsible for carrying out the promised sctivity themselves..
Really enjoy this channel. The information and examples are so helpful & the presentation is thoughtful and thorough. Thanks
I dunno, I run into toxic situations that are 100% the opposite of these.
The inability to have any rules whatsoever. Specifically, someone was agast and upset that I that I had a rule that if they invited me over at 6pm and I drove 45 minutes to get there, that they should either be home or leave the house unlocked so I can come in. They felt that my arriving 50% of the time to a locked house and no one home and being expected to sit in the driveway for 30 minutes waiting for them to happen to arrive home was perfectly fine.
Or another one, if you avoid making conversation with me for 2 hours while you watch tv, do laundry, and send emails, don't wait until I step foot out the door to send me a flurry of long winded texts.
Or when it's 10pm at night, my rule is no starting new hours long games as I have to get home and go to sleep for work the next day.
As you might imagine this person doubled down, then acted shocked when I stopped responding to their texts and stopped coming over.
But I hardly think my rules are the source of the toxicity.
I don’t think it’s toxic of everybody knows the rules or what’s considered normal for that relationship
You just know when a relationship is unhealthy and has utterly passed it's sell-by-date. It literally screams out at you almost as much as you are screaming to get out ! Every single interaction feels painful and exhausting. The other person does something as simple as walk into the kitchen and you're waiting for some hysterical over-reaction or needless outburst of anger followed by a screaming accusation of either doing or not doing something. There is a profound sense of dissatisfaction with everything, and especially everything involving the other person. If they do something for you, such as cook a meal, it's done so they can exercise leverage at a later point - ''I do this and you don't appreciate it because you won't do A,B or C in return''. They seem incapable of acknowledging your imperfections with generosity and humour, with ease. They're on the lookout to pounce on each and every instance of human error, they become this harsh critic which you could really, really do without. Everything you do is wrong in some way, you're on trial permanently without knowing what the crime is or the date of the hearing. Everyone will say to you, speaking as a straight male, ''this is just women''. No it's not, that's a complete cop-out. All you can do in these situations, when you discover someone's true personality, is implement damage limitation and find the most practical and efficient way of getting the Hell out.
Your list of descriptions leave me in no doubt. Thank you.
On ‘guilt and shame’, I love the example re: getting a glass of water. The malignant narcissist in our lives used to do the inverse, which was get himself a glass of water and family dinners and never, ever think about anyone else or offer someone else the same. This would, without exception, occur when we were all preparing food and setting the table, during which time he would always just stand there. It just didn’t register in his mind that this was a collective effort for collective benefit. If you ever asked him to get you something, he would scowl at you.
Woo 7/7 my 1st A+!!!
Oh wait that’s a bad thing
thank you! blessings! hello from canada! :)
An *EXCELLENT* summary of something I personally couldn’t find the words to describe. Thank you.
So many great takeaways! Love all of the 7 signs that you point out. And, it’s so refreshing to know that ‘we’ are not alone. It really is all about isolation, sabotage and control. ‘Victims’ (or targets) will never ever measure up to the N’s standards, lest they lose sense of their scruples and succumb to the N’s wicked ways and become enslaved to their cruelty.
One of the greatest things I’ve ever heard an N say is “you are out of my life”! Most LIBERATING day ever! If someone ever hears an N say this … CELEBRATE! Spread your wings and FLY! Don’t walk! Don’t run! Don’t turn back and ask nor beg WHY! Just fly and praise God that you will never ever have to deal with the N again. It truly is rejuvenating and FREEDOM will never look so good once you are no longer held captive by the N.
One topic I would love to see covered are the physiological characteristics and telltale signs that a person may experience during the first few seconds (or minutes) of meeting a Narcissist. Most N’s are quite charming and persuasive during those first few moments, but I rarely see anything on what individuals experience. One example is the emotional high that one can feel and a false sense of realism or powerful chemistry that may mislead them into believing this is the perfect relationship (business, professional or romantic) that they’ve been waiting for all their lives. Thoughts?
Thanks again, Darren!
Thank you for your suggestion 👍
Hi great videos thank you. Personally I would love to know more about narcissists as a parent and dysfunctional family dynamics when a narcissistic parent rears and creates another narcissistic how they can work together to abuse the "victim" be that the other parent or another sibling etc..xx
Truth because that can happen where the parent are the child is poisoned all their life that the other parents don’t have their best interest at heart and then they become strange and they become a shell themselves with no life.
Excellent examples
Wow, you make so much sense, thank you !
you nailed it. iam an experienced child support worker but management had all these signs did not promote the experienced workers instead they hired inexperience workers so management can control them. thanks for the info
This is so helpful and enlightening. 🙏🏻
Awesome video again, thanks!
Very helpful! Thank you!!!
The silence treatment they pretend not to hear you when right in the room your talking to them and there not listening their staring at their phone, playing a game , watching TV anything but paying attention to you and what you’re saying. Not giving you any attention your talking and you expect an answer like no encouragement or praise for anything it’s just a silence . Disproving silence you say something and there’s just nothing on the other end. They leave you hanging! My narcissistic husband does this . My mother and my Aunt do this one they act like your bragging about something . My Aunt you will be talking about something and she interrupts you and starts talking about something totally different like what you’re were talking about is just unimportant. Asking you did you throw there car part down the stairs after sabotaging and breaking something of yours the week before you come down and it’s suddenly broken and it’s not working and they were the only ones in the room and of course they accuse you of accusing them of breaking it. Gaslighting there’s so any more things trying to humiliate you in public .
Thank you.
When you hack your girlfriend's phone and the same girlfriend is not allowed out of the house.
thank you for these videos, thats all i can say =)
Hope that with every video you put English subtitles, please, for the people who study English.
Found this so interesting. My 2 year relationship with much younger man is not healthy and probably never has been, but it takes time for things to become relevant if the partner has narcissistic traits, works long night shifts, older family members relying on him, two hobbies, always texting, but openly to many contacts. Always too busy. The whole situation has worsened recently becoming like passing ships. Could the age gap, and me being retired be an added problem?
Absolutely stupendous, Thank you Darren, I will not be brainwashed into a unhealthy relationship again, I deserve genuine love a healthy guy, Relationship, Peace, love to you and everyone, Thank you universe 🌈🐉👁♾️🥰👽🛸😁😃✨️🧝♀️💫🧿🦄😀😍😀😀💞
Would you consider discussing the unknowingly dangerous outlets that peuple turn to in abusive relationships? As an abused child, I turned to a silent danger that I found out worsens PTSD. I listened to loud music on my headphones throughout my MTV childhood and adulthood . My parents let us watch anything on TV. It gave me comfort, but actually also gave me a rush the louder it was. I have a severe exaggerated startle response and have to take Klonopin to keep it under control. I read that loud music in cars and headphones, cause a same response as trauma and so are movies that are scary or have violence . I am glad I heard you touch on the subject about movies. The public needs so badly to know this, especially for children.
Interesting that you say that because I would listen and allow music to drowned out the ruminating I got from my ex-husband and did that with the kids in the car. My kids like loud music now
@@Portia620 please turn down the volume. It is an addiction that the music and entertainment industry knows about, but it’s about $$. I am just finding out that it caused damage to my brain. They are having a hard time finding a medication that can keep my jerking under control. Doctors, neurologist and psych doctors need to be warning about the danger of loud music. There is a Dr from Saudi Arabia that researched this for years and has an article on the internet. Dr Walid.
Now when I see cars with their radios booming, I want to run and warn them what it’s doing to them.
Manipulation is one to look out for. Whether if it's financial, social emotional people who are toxic love to wrap their victim around their fingers by making themselves look & sound disadvantaged, poor, uncapable & helpless so the victim would help them out by any means in order to remedy their problem. They not only feel they are entitled for that help but they also think it's the duty of the victim to meet their needs.
Right.
I've had an issue for years with my otherwise wonderful husband and I really don't know if it's him or me at fault. He loves everyone. He's really happy go lucky. But he wants to act this way towards my covert narc/dependent personality disordered mother (who he loves entirely, believing her lying public sweet persona). And the same for my cerebral narc cousin who has spent our lifetimes trying to make herself look 'better than' me in every way possible. I feel betrayed that he would desire to treat my abusers as if they have done nothing wrong. He feels that I'm trying to control who he is able to be friendly with. I truly don't know who's right.
I hate these people knowing all of my business, but hubby is an open book and will tell everybody everything while I sit there wishing the floor would open up and swallow either him, or both of us. If I react to what he's saying the narcs only have a great laugh that I've reacted so I can only sit there while I'm stabbed in the heart.
IMO, he’s violating your privacy, dignity and sense of safety by giving evil-doers ammunition that they can use against you. He has no right to do that. Have you educated him about narcs? About how they can be so charming, how they’re so good at putting on the fake, nice innocent persona? Show him books and videos so he can learn about it. He shouldn’t do something that is harmful to you. You should be his priority, way above his relationship with them. He sounds ignorant and insensitive- or just plain clueless. I hope he can see the light- good luck!
@@LittleLulubee thank you so much. That's how i feel as well, though I genuinely do want to know if I'm wrong.
Be careful he should Respect how you feel about it something sounds strange here
@@aliceroberts1980 he's valuing his own peace above mine isn't he?
He sounds almost codependent and naive. Does he have any sense of discrimination at all? You might try to describe in very specific detail how these people have deceived and abused you, and ask him to hypothetically put himself in your position. Codependents can lack a clear and confident sense of self, so narcissists are very attractive for their assertiveness and confidence.
so sad, my daughter lives in this kind of relationship, hopefully one day she will walk out
I can think of a couple of family members this kind of behaviour definitely relates to, also a former acquaintance. They are all short people, am I just being mean to shorter people or is there any correlation ?
I wouldn't want anyone to have a tracker app on my mobile. It is a ridiculous idea for sane adults.
Agreed
LET HIM GO 🚶♂️ 🎶
LOL quit hanging out
💋💋💋💋💋💋💞🌈
…or LET HER GO 🚶♀️🎶
@@GordonPavilion wow this is the first time seeing this
Wow you know my mom
🎯.
Could you please address how to help someone who is in an unhealthy relationship but is in a state of denial? Ultimately the victim has to come to the realization themselves, but is there any way that someone on the outside can assist?
I have made a video on this previously called ‘How do I tell someone I think they’re being abused?’ I hope you find it helpful
@@DarrenFMagee Thank you.
Abusing freedoms and privileges (which are supposed to be respected by not abusing them) is unhealthy. Revoking them from the perpetrator may look like it’s unhealthy. And it is. But isn’t inappropriate. Allowing them in the first place (because the healthy party was considering them normal) and leading to their abuse by the other (which leads to the unhealthy appropriate behaviors by the disrespected party) should be made clear that is not to be shamed, but corrected (correcting the dynamic between the parties, not the reaction, due to its appropriateness).
In a therapy session or consultation this doesn’t create safe environment- to describe something unhealthy, without addressing the appropriateness of the motivation and how different scenarios can have similar expressions.
In narcissistic relationships the narcissist behaves unhealthy, however - they drive the entangled parties in unhealthy behaviors, due to the sheer chaos and harm the preyed upon party is trapped into having to navigate, if they can’t leave/quit etc…
My point is: Unhealthy behaviors are not to be addressed as shameful, if they are a rational and a form of reactive abuse. When shame is not lifted from the bruised reactive party and specifically put on the originating party - it is not automatically and naturally assumed by the person who’s ashamed to exhibit those behaviors that the shame is for the provoking shameless party. It’s important to stress enough this distinguishing.
A thief can be watched closely at work and can claim they are being mistreated by the appropriate safe-guarding of the victim and sue the victim for creating “toxic environment” with their “unhealthy behaviors”.
Please address appropriateness of rational justified behaviors vs it’s irrational similar expressions. If you can’t do this always, even sometimes it will help more people understand when it’s “crazy” and when it’s absolutely the sane thing to do in the abnormal circumstances, even if it’s unhealthy.
RAD or Adult, attachment disorder? Darren can you explain?
What do you recommend the toxic partner do to become a better person and partner? Regarding controlling behaviors, etc
Trying to control someone is a toxic behavior.
@@private755 yes, I'm listing it here as an example.
Please can we have another video of petulant type
👍
What if your husband sleeps in a different bedroom because he likes the decoration of that room better?
My ex slept on the couch all time
Hi Darren , thank you for your informative videos , I wonder could you cover the destruction caused by insidious covert brain picking , IE where a sly person uses an unsuspecting person for the purpose of gaining knowledge about subjects they themselves are afraid to research or in denial about , meanwhile using the innocent but clued in person as a prop , I have had this done to me by a health worker who inserted herself in my life ( neighbour) it nearly killed me in that I became extremely ill and then in she came to tell me I shouldn't move to the house I was buying because I was too old , I am only 60, I politely cut the ties and she was raging . Is this neighbour abuse or jealousy ? Thank you , Roz
Sounds toxic as hell.Jealous or not that’s just TOXIC.
can you explain number six, I'm not sure i get it
Could easily title this 7 signs of unhealthy people
Demeaning
With your Government?
Amber Heard ist the perfect case to study!