Recognising Gaslighting Tactics, Phrases and Stages
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- čas přidán 23. 02. 2021
- In this video Darren Magee outlines the stages of gaslighting, and looks at the common and not so common tactics gaslighters use. Gaslighting is a term for a form of psychological and emotional abuse, commonly associated with narcissists. It is a way of gaining control over someone by having them doubt themselves and their own sense of reality. Tactics include misdirection, denial, using word salad to create confusion and crazy making.
Just a reminder, this video is for educational purposes only. It isn't a substitute for support from a mental health professional, nor a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack
/ dfmagee
darrenfmagee.substack.com/
#gaslighting #gaslightingawareness #manipulation
The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Please Darren will you do a video about a covert scapegoating narcissist who wants to eject you from the group. Twice it's happened to me. The women hadn't met each other but behaved in the same way, love bombing all others around us but totally blanking me. It's so hard to know how to handle it. If you confront them they'll deny it and make you feel needy. If you ignore it, it sends the signal that you're a doormat.
@@SusanaXpeace2u thank you for your suggestion
@@DarrenFMagee oh thank you for responding! I would love if you did this as it's very hard to stay true to yourself and not wither when a more socially dominant person is freezing you out. Im a woman's woman, i love my friends, but this is a female style of aggression so i think it's quite possible that men havent experienced this, but find me a woman who hasnt been put through this at least once. 🍷☘
after my wifes affair i had a mental break down after a decade of narc abuse and i messed up and allowed her to see how devastated i was... so now anytime she throws out the divorce word or leaves without saying anything or saying IM DONE i cant do this anymore it puts me right back in that panic state she has cut me off and isolated me from my own family even my father thinks im the abusive one and shes a saint i left the military so she could pursue her career and the moment she was able to secure it the belittling shaming "why dont you get a job it would be nice if you had a paycheck" even though i gave that up i still get my disability for being blown up a few times but it doesnt matter even when i was working 70+ hours a week i got fast tracked to SFC i would come home and she would have a list of shit to bitch about or deny me a hug turn a cheek for a kiss these people are fucking evil
Darren your channel is so under rated you have helped me find clarity and validation from the covert narc abuse I have had to endure for a decade thank you for your content
I have a funny story. My ex-husband, who is a covert narcissist, was pursuing another woman in front of me. When I confronted him about this, not only did he do the entire: 'how can you say such a thing' routine, he then left me (after a marriage of 10+ years) because 'he couldn't be with a woman that was so insecure to believe that he was cheating'. You guessed it, he started an affair with said woman directly after. They then were both upset that I would not be friends with her and how asocial I was for not being her bestie. This dude, I have so many stories :D. It is funny now, 10+ years later, but I nearly didn't make it as he was trying to manipulate me into suicide, I'm not even kidding. Dear all, please be careful, trust your instincts. Don't delay getting help if you feel you need it.
being gaslighted by a mate is the hardest bcuz our instinct is that they somehow misunderstand us and if we could only convey ourselves better the disagreements would be resolved. Same thing with the blatant flirting, we SAW it but they deny and we're oddly compelled to make then admit rather than grabbing our sanity and running. Mine was more than a cheating narc, he ended up doing prison time for molesting his step sons by another marriage. His daughter would say he was so sad and hurt by all the "lies" and truly believed people were conspiring against him. But 20 years later she became a cop after the many cops & CPS who came to her house as an abused child were charmed by her narcissist sociopath dad. She changed her last name, too.
Truly understand. So glad you got free.
Thank you for sharing this 🙏. I am afraid of my own 38 yr old son who's who's refusing to leave my house and forcing me to go thru legal aid and court to evict him, after he promised me he had a plan to go back to his gf and 10 yr old son by now, so I can have my playroom back for my grandkids and disabled daughter 😢. Now I'm actually afraid of him bc he's proving himself to be a monster, a liar, and a their bc he's stealing my precious time and space. I dread getting up every day that he's still here, and told him so, but I think he's hoping to drive me literally insane and take over my house. He can't even clean up after himself in one room; he'd have this whole place destroyed in no time!
Narcissists are dangerous, and your story confirms this.
Oh I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. These people are so 🙈 evil
When I was younger, my sister asked me to call her a specific nickname. She went as far to tell me how much she loved it, like it was "our" thing. Later the evening I walked in on her crying to her mom that, "I asked her to stop calling me that, mom, but she won't stop!" Surrounded by narcs my whole life. 😒
Wow. I hope you ran far, far away!
I’m so sorry! I’ve come to the same realization recently! It’s a very painful thing to face.
Man
😮
An excellent example of "3rd party gas lighting" which doesn't even come up in a Google search> I just found out a relative (that passed five years ago) for decades had been telling ABSURD stories......about me........which kept me out of relatives WILLS and bequests, cut me off of family information, invitations. The gaslighting was behind my back. But the willing people that never came forward are my GENE POOL!! I found out through a neighbours kids that even though they're not the sharpest knives in the hood, they smelled BS.
Most underrated mental health channel on CZcams.
Agree
I like how you not only describe your topics but give examples that I instantly recognise
Thank you I’m glad you like the videos 👍
I like the examples too, they're very helpful x
@@DarrenFMagee i watch your videos and another guy. Which is a narcssisit himself
I. Must say you speak what I'm going through
But I had past experience with a narcssisit person so i started eventually realizing sadly that I fell in the trap of another 1
I don't actually care about the person
The problem is we have a baby. If it wasn't for the baby. That woman would be out of the window by now
I understand those people... I see through them. It's like flashback of my past experiences
And i also give people help about those things
I’m with a person exactly that way and
Mr. McKinney Is Something Else...
I call him mr.A Hole
ms leading character’s They Are...
Took me years to work out my hubby was gaslighting me . These people are very very good at this and if there was a masters degree in it they would come up top plus every time .
It’s only until the light switch goes on in your head ( that they have turned off as a part of coercive control ) do you realise what’s going on .
Gaslighters are master manipulators
They do things for a reaction ( my hubby would go to obscene lengths for me to stand there and question my own sanity .
He would use a poker face, if confronted . He would twirl is fingers near his brain or shake his head slowly to show me signs or little things that I was the one who had mental issues.
After 29 years of being abused by narccistic gaslighter I actually thought it was me that had the issues , me that was the reason for my mental illness, so off I went to the drs , like a good girl . To prove that he was indeed right . Yes the dr did put me on antidepressants and sent me to a counsellor but I was that convinced that the problem lay with my own mental state I never discussed my hubbys abusive gaslighting or his naccistic behaviour . Because they want you to believe that all / everything is your fault , you are to blame for everything .
Even down to the choices that make in life , it’s all your fault you are to blame.
The light at the end of my dark tunnel was I’m not to blame . I’m not to blame for the choices they make . I’m learning now day by day to love myself and respect myself because these manupilators don’t know how to love
All I ever heard from my ex was 'I'm triggered' and 'I'm offended'. Glad you mentioned it as a form of manipulation.
Thats all you hear from any progressive, liberal, democrat or whatever Marxists call themselves these days.. makes you wonder about what the world has become.
My ex was always “hurt” by something
I got “rude” and “disrespected “. When it was the complete reverse
My father and mother and brother are narcissists and they were gaslighting me my whole life, until 2 years ago when I recognized their ugly intentions and stopped talking to them.
It was really horrible experience and very destructive. I lost my sense of self and I couldn't trust myself. I'm working hard every day to recover from it.
Have you ever thought that you maybe be the one who is the narcissist instead of your father, mother and brother?... We don't call someone narcissist without any evidence. What's your evidence they're the ones???,
@@ash3280 You are gaslighting her, you devious narc.... Check yourself.
@fmoezoddin2252: I totally empathize with what you went through. Almost identical to my own experience. These narcs are everywhere, including infesting this comment section and attempting to flip the script onto us, as if we haven't already been through enough abuse from them!!! I'm glad God created Hell for these evil beings.
@@ash3280 huh? I didn't live the guy live but we know who they really are and how pretty damned they are. Its a long path of humiliation, sadness, drama, crisis, emotional and psychological abuse
Under much counsel from several therapists I have cut my family out my life for good. I can't tell you how much personal and mental growth I've had since then. Its still hard but I know where my feet stand and I have my life back. Worth it.
When my ex narc realised he couldn't control me, the games began. The curtain got burnt because I'd asked him to do romantic evenings. Apparently I had done it. When I said I would paint the chair, it mysteriously ended up with deep grooves cut into it. Apparently something fell onto it. My record player worked one day and not the next. He said it was a faulty lead. When I took it apart when I told him to leave, all the wires were in the wrong sockets. Apparently, I'd done it. He turned the gas off so I would call him for help but I'd done it. He deliberately ogled other women in front of me so he could accuse me of jealousy (not his disrespect). He turned up in a car with a private registration plate, spelling the name of another woman but he wasn't having an affair. Apparently it was my hormones and my memory and the fact I was a psycho (I think this last one was projection). . But in the end he lost because he lost me but its OK because he's going to get famous and will have girls throwing themselves at him (he's nearly 50)....i wish him the best of luck!
He got so mad at me for finding out about one of his (many?) affairs by using my eyes and memory that he screamed and raged at me for seeing it. All I did was hesitate when I saw how she greeted him (flirtatious and familiar and damning) and I was somehow the one in trouble. It must be exhausting being those people. A nice thing about telling the truth is you don’t have to remember which lies you told who. You don’t have to fear being “found out.” Their lies absolutely consume them and good riddance.
I’ve lived with one for 36 years and had no point of reference that I can remember growing up so I did not see it at all until fairly recently. By then I’d been so thoroughly programmed by him that I didn’t even see what was happening when he got me hooked on drugs. Ironically, if it hadn’t been for rehab I don’t think I would ever have been deprogrammed enough to realize I’d spent half my life in purgatory praying for death. The danger is real folks and it’s insidious so listen to this therapist and teach your children that NO ONE has the right to make them feel less than or stupid or incompetent or ugly. They deserve so much better than the worst they can stand.
Wonderful, practical video - thank you. I'm amazed how a gaslighting "boss" can completely gut a mature, gifted subordinate. It can be worse than murder, because it leaves behind a living shell. Recovery takes years...or never happens.
I have experienced all type of narcissists in my life, always antagonised them immediately since my dad and older brother were both extreme narcissistic. I learned to become stone cold to them, but this was not my character initially. My mother, enabler, forced me to behave like an enabler as well. I can’t, always I say something to oppose the narcissist, so I received the full wrath of too many narcissists in many different situations. Only 2 years ago I changed my attitude, I stop all contact with the narcissist from now on. They are mean selfish people with no compassion, who apply damaging mental tactics to dominate others, only for themselves.
I understand that now. I was dependent for psychological reasons, afraid to be on my own. Now I see that on my own I can find how I am supposed to operate in the world.
Omg 😲 this is my exact life story, but pls from my experience pls pay close attention to your mom she maybe a covert vs them as overt narc. Pls direct your attention to the not so obvious just to be on the safe side also.
my brother and my dad are both narcissistic as well. and I’m only recently understanding this. my mom finally divorced my dad in 2015-2016 and i haven’t been close to him since. but my brother still shows so many narc tendencies. he moved back in with his ex who keyed my mothers car, sent his dick pics to the whole family, hopped out fence to get into his window (he says), kept driving past our house with a gun to scare the family, and more… I’m glad he’s gone for now but he always comes back. it’s so hard for me to just cut him out of my life bc no one really understands even after i tell them what i found out. no i don’t believe it’s his fault that he’s a narc bc my dad was. but that does NOT mean his actions are excused.
@ Koen Raad, I had the same experience. My father is an extreme covert narc. My mother and myself were his favourite victims. I as a child could not understand what went on. Now I can. I am at peace from the moment I realized I could never change him. My mother did try to change him and that made her an empty shell. I am sure her alzheimer is the end result of such constant and relentless abuse. Wonderful woman. Brilliant mother with a wonderful heart. Kind and gentle woman. She wasted her years on someone who only valued her for her beauty and was jeaulous of her. Envious of anyone who got her love and care; her children.
👍nailed it
My life narrated by this guy just completely blew my mind back into reality. So empowering . 😊IM NOT CRAZY!😁 , just isolated . Like being awoken from the matrix...clarity
That’s great! Now run to the nearest exit and start living the life you want instead of the one defined by your S O.
My Ex Husband Gaslighted me tobthe Point i thought i was a total Psychopath and Always wrong with anything i felt. Later of course everything my Gut was telling ne was right, but he stripped every confidence of me, made me loose all faith in my Natural Empathie. Am still suffering from that after 16 Years later. What you described was 100% my experience and even if i know, i am OK, i can Trust myself, i am worth anything i have to Fight myself everyday to Not give in to the old bridges my mindset wants to bring me Back too. Those Gaslighters and Narcissists destroy you! To the Core when you let them....
It is scary how accurate these are. Some of you might be in the process of even
regretting losing a gaslighter. I think we shouldn't be sorry. We are lucky
For over 30 years my younger sister gaslighted me, but being slightly older and wiser I always knew it was bs, and I even thought she knew that I knew, so it was like a family game. It’s only recently I realized that the whole time I thought it was dark comedy, she was being entirely serious. What often starts as an apparent joke is no joke to the narcissist.
This was a magnificent explanation of one aspect of the many types of toxic behaviors that partners of cluster B personality disordered people endure before exiting these relationships to protect their emotional and physical health. Your detailed examples are such therapeutic eye openers for victims caught in painful webs of anxiety, uncertainty, and self doubt.
This is the crap I grew up with from my mother and am still dealing with in my 60's. I'm down to one word answers or not answering at all as I know whatever I say will be used against me.
Get away & rebuild a life for yourself
If I say im angry she could F*... Explode!!! Now, later she will try to ask me If I'm angry for a thing that happened...
This day, I felt dead. Dead.
It makes me sad to find so many similarities and examples I face daily but also relieved. Im not alone in this.
Both parents were narcissists. They were brutal on us kids, but they were merciless with each other. As far as gaslighting, Dad was better at it than Mom. He was a preacher, so that skewed our views of God. He tried gaslighting some members of the congregation; that didn't go over well, and they tried to force him out. Didn't work. A few years later, others were more successful in getting him out of there.
My mother gaslighted me to pay half of her expensive gift. She promised to say that that gift was from us both, so I don't have to buy separate gift. She gave the gift, and years later I found out that she actually asked the gift receivers what did they receive from me.
Yes, but in general, if I would buy a gift together I would give it together.
@@qq84 very good
Related to money, and from my experience. When my mother borrows money from me I cannot demand her MY money in any way or she would be angry or manipulative
I had a cars salesman call me up and ask me if I was going to make the time that we arranged, (which was 2 o'clock in his mind)to come in and purchase the car. That conversation never happened and he knew it! I instantly knew hes trying to gas light me. Wrong person to try that on!
I've worked in the media. I've been a "creative writer" an written scripts to sell a product.
I also directed the local news, but I was always uneasy and felt I was pushing an agenda.
I thought I was doing a service selling products or informing of issues that would enrich or enlighten people's lives.
I never thought I was actually manipulating people and playing on their insecurities, but now I have a better understanding.
Thank you Darren for giving me some clarity.
Keep up the good work!
Fantastic, that you have the introspection to recognise this behaviour. Truth has a resonance. When you are not living in your truth, the body will start to have symptoms - in your case, feeling uneasy. The whole globe, is being gaslighted at the moment, no need to be a victim, but empowered for having the awareness.
Powerful comment ✌🏻
I didn't know what gaslighting/narcissism was when I married my husband. Initially I thought it was his poor hearing. Poor listening. Call him out? He implodes. It's intolerable, juvenile and embarrassing. He's in assisted living now. I have had a tough, but beautiful wake up call. Better late than never.
I think lying by omission is an important one. That's what we are dealing with my brother-in-law. He will only divulge a part of the truth, keeping the damning part to himself, unless he was stupid enough to tell another family member who then tells us the rest of the story. But interestingly, he also tends to omit part of the truth to them but other parts of the truth.
I've been through this with my sister recently. It's amazing how her manipulation was brought to light when we other family members started talking to each other more frequently.
Yes! They like to keep certain things true. Or they tell a story and keep 99% valid but that 1% is actually the ugly key to the story and what shows how spinless they are.
Once upon a time, I knew someone who were using women to have sex with in a religious setting. He had sex with three and they found out, all 3 discussed and straightened out dates and lies. He was made to apologize. He wrote a letter to the women and the "organization", that yes he had sex with women and they didn't know about each other. BUT he wrote that: the last 6 weeks I had sex with 3 different women. He put the 6 there because there were more women. But probably a couple of months earlier. This way, for some twisted reason, he didn't lie. The other/s were longer than 6 weeks ago and in this apology letter, he didn't have to include those, did he... (and those, he was not cut with, they also had no idea that there were a growing number of romances they shared in the segregation)
It is kind of funny. Once it is behind you and once you see how much trash they are. You just sorry for the next victim/s.
My narc father will dismiss my experience as a a variation to his experience. It always goes back to him and his experiences.
My mother is a one-upper. She has lived a sheltered, sauced life. 🙄
Loss of self worth, discouraged, making many decision out of fear, being hasty due to anxiety and fear.
I'm just sick hearing all this..I am a victim of every single point made...literally...I have been soo beaten down..made to feel crazy and left to pick up my life while he just continues. Thank you for reminding me ...I DID NOT DO THIS!!!
Where there is no truth, there’s no reality but madness. Thank you Darren . God bless you ❤
Such an accurate description of this very hidden type of disorder, which so drastically affects other people. I agree that it all happens so gradually and well covered for a long time. Not easy detecting lies because they’re so well hidden.
My two sisters have dumped the job of caring for my mothers needs, I was continually told, you don’t need a break you need to do this or that, 8 months later I took a break, fed up with being talked out of thinking my own care was important. It’s still happening 2 years and 6 months later. Your right, they point out I am this or that. Draw focus off what I am saying. I doubted what I was saying, even doubted my thoughts, feelings etc. They keep getting away with it, even though they live next door and I live 200 km away.
How are things now and do you still find time to look after yourself? Are you the youngest? Do you have other responsibilities in your life?
A particular pattern of gaslighting stands out among many for me. 1. Take a random innocent fact about my wife, for instance as if she expresses a liking of a particular icecream or has a desire to try out a particular interest. 2. Assert with maximum volume that I have a malicious intent to deny my wife this thing. 3. Steamroll over the top of my wife when she insists it isn't my fault she hasn't done it yet, that I've been encouraging her to pursue the interest, and that I'm not trying to deny her something. 3. Attack me with a stream of abuse accusing me of mistreating my wife, screaming in my face how I am supposed to treat other people better.
It's a combination of two main motives that I can see: to attack and undermine my wife's and my relationship, and to terrorize me in the idiotic expectation that, by doing so, I'll hand over control over me. It fails miserably with respect to both, but has succeeded in leading to a permanent explusion from my life the people who have been doing it.
Absolutely All true.. I went through many emotional stages trying to always figure stuff out.. me or them.. the flip flops were constantly on going.
This talk hits so close to home, it made my heart hurt. I finally got out, but I see him regularly because of our daughter.
If only I would have found out about you 40 years ago. Freedom is just an inch away!!
Sister has done this all my life to me . RECENTLY caught on ... hallelujah!
Well, well well. NOW I understand clearly what it is that I go through when dealing with these idiots. Thankyou again doctor. Gaslighting. What a fitting yet FAR TOO KIND euphemism.
This is a good summary of these tactics and helped me realise that the set of behaviours that I have called my wife's 3 level "wall" for 20+ years are structured on gaslighting...level 1) refusal to discuss an issue; level 2) To take ownership of my issue and flood it with her irrelevant issues so the the original issue is lost and unresolved; 3) Rage when I have dared to push an issue, from which she has never backed down from and where I have ALWAYS been the one to put out the olive branch (effectively apologising and taking responsibility for her rage)
I recognise this.
Prepare to have your soul slowly sucked out of your body by that evil woman if you don't cut her loose soon. Watched it happen over a long period of time to my own dad. He's dead now but she's still going strong with her manipulative Wicked Witch BS.
Thanks again Darren.
I live this constantly. The gaslighting is truly insane at times but in the moment you indeed doubt yourself because if the conditioning you have been put through. I have had well paid jobs for st least the last 3 decades. I earn so I do spend on things for projects but was always in a position to save money as well and did so. I was cut off from my savings because I was made believe that I have “a spending problem”. I track everything I spend and for any decent expenditure try to consult with my “wife”. But many items I have purchased which are largely used to improve the house or set up things for the family are deemed “a waste of money”. So therefore this is used as an excuse to cut he off from even seeing my savings.
Anything I purchase is ridiculed as a waste. Unless of course the idea or purchase is sanctioned by my “wife”. Most of the time I need to let my ideas become self evident through a problem so that it can suddenly be her idea and it us fine. All the techniques you described have been used in me for years.
I have heard several explanations of what gaslighting is but this is the first time that I fully recognise this pattern. Excellent explanation. The trouble is that in any explanation of gaslighting there is always a few things that are not spot on so it feels that it can't be that for sure.
It just means they are manipulating your mind by invalidating your thoughts and experiences. "You didn't see what you saw"...."You didn't say what you said"....or "You said this instead of that"....etc.
He spent months trying to convince me I was the master manipulator and accusing me of lying whenever I said I didn’t do what he was accusing me of (which I didn’t) but would never admit to what he DID do and never apologise but tell me I only sometimes apologised for the things I did when I was constantly saying sorry for things he hassled me about because I want and like to be honest and have healthy honest relationships. He loves chaos.
He destroyed the harmony between us that I felt so close to him but he didn’t want that and just destroyed it then acted like he was sad that we weren’t getting along but accuse me of having no emotions and not caring when I was so shut down emotionally BECAUSE I didn’t feel safe to emote with him…because he’d accuse me of lying about everything and wouldn’t believe me even if I did share what I felt. Absolutely bonkers.
I managed to call out the gaslighting and the word salad and deflection and would say he can come back and talk to me when he’s able to be reasonable with me and block him.
He’d then tell me I’m immature and childish for utilising the block button when I was preserving my peace! Just constantly manipulating and guilt tripping me whilst getting all MY friends and support network to change sides??
Even people who once warned me about him suddenly were zombified and defending him telling me to stop harassing and stalking HIM 😆😆😆 I literally told him to stop contacting me and he said he’d have me charged with stalking and harassing him!! Insane.
LOL, this is exactly what my mother did in her nursing home. She told the staff not to do anything for her birthday and when they didn't she said "they didn't do anything for me."
I feel so relieved knowing what I was experiencing was real and wow
It's been horrible the last few years because I have so much repressed anger for how my mother has treated me. I have to tell her directly there is nothing wrong with meand it gets the best of me. but the key is sadly to limit interactions aside from having everything she wants done because "she shouldn't have to ask." When I get poked with derogatory comments I tell her she acts like a little kid. It doesn't matter how much I say " I'm not a mind reader, we don't think the same." With gaslighting she's always ready to attack with guilt and shame for what I don't do quick enough and put off for too long. "what have I done against you in the last 20 years?" The answer is I don't do enough or something years back that she won't let go of. This never changes.
Edited due to the comments..Everyone is entitled to their opinion but every situation is different
I’m surprised your daughter is able to keep those friends around. If they recognize her toxic behavior, I wonder why they feel it’s worth it to stay.
@@roysreceptive
She is nice to them. She is funny and very generous. People come and go and come back again.
as a young girl, my brother and I would be doing the same thing and I'd get the belt, mom would always tell me, "Brother doesnt need spankings, he's a good boy." and I believed it, spankings helped me be more obedient, knowing there's punishment.
as adults brother would hysterically laugh as he told us how when we were little he'd purposely do bad and then tell mom it was me, suddenly I understood the memories as when I was little being in trouble, told how bad I was for doing such and such, I'd stand there quietly not remembering doing such a thing but thinking 'wow im awful' cause i didnt know what lying was. my innocence was used against me, how sad. If I did speak up they'd both tell me, "Yes, remember, you DID do it." no I dont remember, but okay... he's proud of being manipulative. mom messed us up both bad.
It seems to me that your mother was/is a narcissist, your brother was the 'golden child' and you the scape goat. With narcissistic parents and siblings there is always that combination. Look that term up if it is new to you. I hope you are healing from such a traumatic childhood.
I'm so sorry. What evil POSs your family were. That is DISGUSTING.
Uhmm... wow this is an obscure tale. Pretty terrible, sorry for your experience, I know what is emotional and psychological abuse, this s... can conduce us even to suicidal thoughts, and they have their long long long consequences. Hope you can heal 😔
-- This is absolutely heartbreaking and I hope you've managed to stop, or have limited contact, with your cruel family members, as well as treating yourself with the utmost compassion. ❤
I have been hearing the term, but never understood why it was used.Thank you for showing me what it is.
Broad Generalizations used to accuse and has no facts....or they ignore the facts. When you bring up the facts, they do not like you....they consider facts as toxic.
Anything that contradicts their narrative is considered toxic.
I’ve asked my narcissistic brother to only communicate with me in written form because of the escalating lies and gaslighting. No engagement unless in writing doesn’t mean he won’t gaslight/lie anyway, but it gives me a filter to consider what I will or won’t respond to.
Mary Steelman Good on you for making a strong boundary though and I've had huge issues with my highly narcissistic sister, as well as my brother, to a lesser extent. ❤
I can't see any comment from the few videos I've watched having this issue, but I'm having to turn my volume up to almost full on my computer to hear you & then get blasted when the ads come on or if I get a notification whilst I'm watching. Thanks for your work on these subjects. I just read a comment saying the same about the volume, lol.
Gaslighting is not a common word for me. Glad you defined! Manipulation! Done
Thank you so much for helping me out of my proverbial mosh pit.
The gaslighting and lies can be extremely dangerous when they're put forward to public servants (read social workers) in a discussion about custody. If they're completely unaware of this and, as is very often the case, biased against men for both ideological reasons and work experience you're in very deep water as a man. I've had to fight one of those battles where I had proof of her drug abuse and infidelity and I was still not believed and considered a bad guy when I was falsely accused of psychological abuse, forgery of evidence and ironically enough narcissistic behavior.
Since they of course couldn't even find a parking fine on me they had to let it go but it's a horrible situation to be in.
Denial. When confronted with concrete facts, my ex would avoid any engagement with me by claiming I was shouting or being rude, which was simply untrue. She would walk off saying she wouldn't discuss things until I calmed down, thus avoiding any explanation.
Saying something they don’t like is “being rude.” The fact they feel uncomfortable or ashamed (which I doubt they’re capable of) doesn’t mean you were rude.
And everything "is so unfair"
"why do you hate me" is the response I always got
Just leave. Go. I stayed way too long. It’s been 4 years of no contact and he’s still triangulating and trying to trash my reputation, all while contacting me every six months or so trying to engage me and act like nothing has happened. GET OUT…
The second one, picking out some tiny insignificant detail... It's crazy making! I have an old friend who has started doing that, just in the past few years. I actually suggested that he go on back home, when he was over here the other day. It's intolerable! I don't understand why he's begun doing it, because he never used to, in all the previous decades that I've known him.
One I know says when he's inconsiderate, selfish, or thoughtless says that "Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's situation and if I was in your situation I wouldn't mind if you did that to me so I don't understand what your problem is".
He also says stuff along the same lines like "If I was in your situation I would do everything differently.... so I don't understand why you don't do what I would do" etc, etc, etc.
Met a man years ago thst would do that.Once he told an elaborated story about a friend who had the same profession as me and after a week or so i asked how was the girl who was working as me He told me that he never said that and there is no one he knows with my profession and thst i should have my head examined.Another time he asked me to go with him somewhere and when i mentioned it later he pretended surprise and said he has never ever said that He would come back in his words and blame me telling i was making things up. He had all the hsllmarks of nsrcisism albeit lack of remorse lack of feelings lack of intimacy big rages ,high plans completely not reachable, financial abuse ,it was one year of complete confusion and a roller coaster i never knew what he would say or do or how i would be blamed
Awesome description thank you 🙏 🤩
Yes it is absolutely crazy making activities,they are being done. Nonstop. Nonsense. Sometimes feel terrible-funny.
Very well explained,thank you 😊
God bless you Sir my sanity is still intact
Just yesterday after a month of hell, I mentioned to my now ex girlfriend that I was speaking to her friend who wished us both well and hoped we could be happy. The narc then messaged back saying that's funny as last time you spoke to her you told me me she was talking to my family about the narc taking tablets 🤯😵 I nearly fell on the floor, my family know nothing of this friend and I've never mentioned anything like that about this friend. Honestly the pain of the last month hit its peak last night but it makes it easier now as I was feeling very sad, now I'm just bitter and angry but at least I know she is truly nuts. We had Christmas planned together and yet she has been saying the last week she is very busy and basically binned me off. What a cruel psychotic demon. I now at least have the real her and can move forward easier as much as it hurt I know she is severely mentally unwell...
If you could, please turn up the volume.
Listen louder
I worked for two years for the most brutal gaslighter. He insisted that the word 'not' means 'Yes, totally for sure!' But I got him back with his own BS. He walked out of his office and angrily threw a box on my desk "I can't find the batteries!" which, obviously, is my fault.
I looked at the box and told him "It says 'batteries not included'"
He said "That means the batteries are supposed to be in there!"
After explaining to me that the word 'not' means 'Yes, totally for sure' he ordered me to keep looking for the batteries until I find them and he walked into his office. I put the box down and got back to work. About 20 minutes later I hear him get up from his desk and I quickly pick up the box and, with a fierce look of determination on my face, I am looking in the empty box for the batteries.
He loses it "Have you been looking in that box this whole time?!?"
"Of course, you told me to keep looking until I find the batteries."
"YOU IDIOT, THERE ARE NO BATTERIES IN THAT BOX!!"
"But you said they are."
"I never said that!"
"Then... why am I looking in the box?"
silence
I thought my boss was a narcissist, but he is a gaslighter. Thank you.
A narcissist uses gaslighting to cause harm
@@leewest8159 And to control you and take advantage of.
I've witness this firsthand, you have to be in a vulnerable situation first for it to work properly,where you don't have much choice, and it is consistent,I watched them encroachment a little at a time,it really becomes hard to believe their are people out their that are this evil inside that plan out abuse of another, I hope all these people get treated with the same kindness they give.
I’ve left my human incubator with 14 and never went back I am 40 now
I am not over her bs but my life is mutch better
You have such a masculine and soothing voice. Very handsome too!
Your little 'out take' at the end about Trump was very funny
Satire or a political dig? Either way I laughed
I laughed at that little 'out take' at the end lol
I'd say there's a bit of narsassism in all politicians. Some are trained to hide it better than others.
Not everyone who gaslights does it consciously. Those who are themselves victims of narcissistic abuse can adopt their abusers tactics as defense mechanisms, without consciously knowing that they are doing it.
They will take these narcissistic defenses into other relationships.
When it's not consciously, it is not gaslighting.
@@loekiekanters4295 that’s not actually true.
@@inkystarz I think they should give that phenomenon another name and make a movie about it. Gaslighting comes from the movie Gaslight and there it is intentional.
@@loekiekanters4295 gaslighting can occur below the consciousness threshold and still be manipulation and abuse. There are actually plenty of pathological narcissist who completely believe what they are saying, which makes it below the consciousness threshold. Gaslighting does not have to be consciously intentional to still be gaslighting. We can even gaslight ourselves.
@@inkystarz I understand what you mean but I do not agree that the concept is being stretched. In the movie it is clear that it is done on purpose and the term is derived from the movie.
I've got a MIL and a step MIL. The step MIL is one who my husband and I just saw and she is someone I identify as a communal narcissist, though what I'll say won't be what makes it evident. But in any case, every single time we are around her she starts the brainwashing. It is ALWAYS an agenda. She goes on and on and on and dominates the conversation, and it's always some "lesson". We are nearly 40. She tells my husband (her step son) how to be, think, and feel every time we see them.
Her recent brainwashings were: Telling my husband he has a good heart and can get taken advantage of easily (I see that as her telling on herself) and then saying he is such a hard worker, and that someone he's with (hello I was sitting right there) might know him better than anyone, but he knows himself best and know what he needs, and he needs to take a break from his job. Completely random. I think the point was to say he can't trust my judgement on things. He said he would never do that and won't listen to her.
But anyway, it is always something about him thinking separately from me. She also went on and on endlessly about how people who are older than us have "been through it" and know best, and "if you can't see that, nothing can help you". All she got was a nod from him. So she told him A.) He gets taken advantage of and hoping to shake his trust B.) He can't trust me to know what's best for him/us, and C.) that he should only listen to people older than us, ie, them.
This is the SAME convo but in different ways every single time we see her. It's a brainwashing. She wants him separate from me, to think separately and to not trust in me as his spouse and instead do as she says.
He even told them he wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for my guidance. His dad said "I say that all the time, ever since you were with (me) you've had such a positive change." (thank you FIL, and I said that to him, I said thank you) All she could say was "That's right, he does say that". lol. Couldn't agree though!
When confronted with facts, in a calm and stating kind of way that is, they call you "ice-cold and hard" or even prescribe "anti-aggression training, it seems you really need it"
6:40 - basically the Shaggy defense: It wasn't me!
It's exhausting
Thank you again
Today I experience it to the core... I feel like something is on my head---evil to the core
100% true. Thanks
I had a boyfriend that I caught in lies, but he kept gaslighting me. But then when I caught him in lies and could prove he lied, so he couldn't deny it anymore, he had the nerve to say that he never lied before, but I was so overbearing that I drove him to lying and this time, when I could prove the lie, was the only time he actually lied. And he thought I was stupid enough to believe him, but I had been stupid enough to believe him before, so I guess he had a point. I broke up with him, he threatened self harm then to keep me (which I heard is also textbook for these people), but I left him anyway. Now, a year later, he still tries to get back in touch with me with stupid excuses from time to time and I just keep blocking every new account he contacts me with. Saddest thing is he might have just broken my trust in people forever, because of his lying and cheating I'm now really as paranoid as he said I was for thinking he was a liar.
Complain about something that happened 100 times
"I don't know what you're talking about, I need a specific example"
Give example
"Oh that little thing? Your still mad about that? You're too sensitive!"
Thank you, helpful.
Very helpful 🙏 thank you
Thank you, great video. About that chocolate bar, funny! :) It's all over their face but they deny eating it. :) I like what you say about the little subtle things they try to gaslight you, to find out if you are - still - to manipulate. Maybe you can do a video about the subtle ways how they try to doubt yourself with a lot of examples please.
To stick with chocolate: I once gave my flying monkey brother chocolates, but he didn't like those kinds of chocolates. He was furious: "will you never give me these kinds of chocolates again?" Someone else was there and thought it was going a bit far. "She'll do it again!" was his response. He's my mother's flying monkey, who sometimes scolds me about my birthday presents to her. "A bathroom carpet, what am I supposed to do with it!" Their goal is to keep you scared and submissive. They knew that I would think: how do I prevent this in the future, instead of standing up for myself. Especially the 'she'll do it again!' was a big humiliation.
It's a 💯 right on the ball .
And get out of my WiFi - the pink paint was not included in my delivery. Talking to my cyberstalker. Get out of my router!
I'd like to hear how to deal with these gaslighting strategies.
Knowing these could avoid blundering in the chess of life.
this video basically described my whole family...
Hi, thanx for your effort to give information about this topic. I always wondered if these people can get healed by spiritual healing eg through religion. What do you think.
Hannah Mwangi
Nairobi, Kenya
I love your channel but I have a suggestion please the commercials are extremely extremely loud compared to the audio on your videos is there a way to adjust that
very true
Him: I speak four languages (one of them is French)
Me: *speaks basic French to him at a later date*
Him: I have no idea what you're saying.
You know I like your video I have had friends in the past that may have been narcissistic but I’m not freinds with them anymore. One of them was like “it’s my only day come and hang out.” Almost like I’m doing a favour. The other one proper screwed me over finically. My current freind almost reminds me of a friend that seems to be more like the needy narcissist. My real hope is he gets the job he has an interview for cause then that’s a few free meals and I earn hardly anything at work. If he doesn’t get the job then I’m leaving the friendship. If he does I’m happy to stick around but if not that’s definitely my way out worst comes to worst.
Is gaslighting always intentional and designed to take advantage? Or, could it be a narcissist 's attempt to keep "their mess-up internal world" intact and "functioning normally "?
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Both
This is crazy making. Awareness, is key.
when i confronted the sociopath about vicious things he did in the past, he will try to convince me that i'm having dementia, that my memory is err. lol.. really childish. really no point trying to amend the relationship with any sociopath, it won't work.
How do you fight against something like lying by omission?
Get away from that person totally & completely
Once someone use gaslighting on you: it doesn't matter what is the next subject/story they twist and manipulate, they lost their validity. Once you know who they are, that is the important information, not the story they try to push on you.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
The sad thing is when they recruit flying monkeys. They are able to recruit people who have no idea that they started down an ugly path. I had people, VERY decent, I would say one was exceptional, she did the biding and she is "gone". If you do their "dirty work", your brainwashing began and you'll be gone with it too. It is very sad and hard to see how they "capture" others mind. Like a termite infestation.
Once someone is under their influence, once someone plays their game, they can't turn around. It is some kind of dissonance or like a game, like gambling. When you bet on something, you keep betting on it. Because you can't go back in time and change what you have done. You just keep hoping that you are on the "right side". You can't except that you were played. You can't except that the person who asked you WAS the evil one and YOU did something against someone because you were played. You became cowardly.