How To Skip the Small Talk and Connect With Anyone | Kalina Silverman | TEDxWestminsterCollege
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- čas přidán 14. 02. 2016
- Kalina Silverman wanted to see what could happen if she approached strangers and skipped the small talk to have more meaningful conversations with them instead. She made a video documenting the experience. The stories she heard and the connections she made proved that there's power in taking the time to stop and ask people to reflect on the questions that truly matter in life.
Since then, she has continued to work on expanding Big Talk into a movement that inspires and enables people to connect with one another on a deeper level.
Learn more about it at www.makebigtalk.com and visit Kalina at www.kalinasilverman.com
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
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Scrub to 5:41 to 'skip' her small talk
Hahaha
yeah what's with the irony. 5 minutes to get to the actual speech?
oh my god yes. This is everything that I shut out on a date just so I can sleep with a woman that looks like this. Snoorrre
It's part of building her rhetoric. Making a speech about how overcoming a problem without first facing that problem is like making a speech about how to be rich when you've inherited your wealth.
Still feels like small talk after 8mins
An interesting note, the closer you are to people the harder it actually is to have "big talk". The best talks I've had with people are the ones in which we both know that we probably are never going to see each other again. The walls actually come down.
Yes.I agree
Wow, so true.
That is absolutely bang on!!
I’m the opposite. The closer I get to someone the harder it is for me to not be my authentic self. I sometimes feel I over share.
You neer better friends.
I think small talk is still useful in breaking down anxiety and barriers. The problem is we never move into big talk next.
You are right. Some people are scared to express themselves or you are not the target, or they have an empty brain.
Small talk gives me massive anxiety. Real deep questions make me relax, become less aware of my surroundings, go deep and just talk. In fact...I'm suspicious of ppl who always engage in small talk. That there is just my anxiety again
Speak for yourself ..
Small talk is important in starting a conversation. Most of the time you can't start with big talk, to most people it's kind of weird or scary if someone starts talking in that way.
Just ask: “how much does a polar bear weigh??...Enough to break the ice, my name is [instert name]”
I appreciate her efforts in exploring interpersonal connections, but she failed to explain the techniques of making big talks, which is why I opened the link in the first place.
EVA ZHANG exactly
Start with asking "What's important to you?" and go from there. It's that simple if you're actually curious.
The technique is to do it. Face the fears of speaking to a random stranger. She gave you good lines to use now just do it with your own flavor.
EVA ZHANG I felt the same. Overall I believe she was supposed to be emphasising asking open-ended questions and not being afraid to be more personal in conversation. She got a little too specific and ironically over-shared her own story. lol I've found one of the most difficult aspects OF "big talk" is that most people only care about themselves, and like talking about themselves but won't ask questions.
:/
i don't think there is "one size fits all" kind of technique. some people are open; some people are closed. you just have observe them prior to making that connection so you don't take it to the wrong direction. one of the problems we have today is to emphasize on the techniques, but it is very much a painting and you are the artist to make that stroke in the painting along the way. "You get to be you" to make that big talk. ultimately, it is you to figure out what makes a big talk.
I don't want to seem conceited, but there's something I figured out one time, sort of as a rule to live by. I decided that the way to live my life to the fullest is by trying to experience as much as I possibly can. Every time I limit myself from doing something I'm denying myself an experience. Every time I never try to do something, or I give up, I'm chipping off a piece of myself that I could be. I don't know if this helped anyone that is feeling like they're just kind of drifting. It's more of a goal for living.
I'll bet this speaker takes an ax to your colon if you talk about the weather with her.
life experiences build you, even the ones you choose to not have.
It's also one of main principles of my life. Since I do this I feel like this is a life that is worth living.
I live my life the total opposite, and I also think I live it to the fullest. I don't look to experience everything I possibly can, I just keep doing what I do and be the best I can be.
lord rosienose so.... yolo?
The camera, her youth, and her attractiveness I believe, project a certain safety to strangers who I am sure felt as if they were part of a personal documentary...big deal. I think her manner of eliciting "big-talk" is ironically superficial - a facade: "Look at us...we're doing big talk..isn't this great?" You ask me questions, I give you answers..so what? Talk show hosts do that all the time. It would have been far more useful had she elucidated techniques to elicit "big-talk", rather than turn it into a global (social-media) project.
Generally, small talk is the way things are at work. I think acquaintances (not close friends), would feel weird if I asked them deep questions all the time. Also, some people feel vulnerable about exposing their deeper self....ESPECIALLY if they are acquaintances (not close friends, and not strangers). Further, once you get past the deep stuff, the default seems to be the small stuff - you can only ask an acquaintance what they want to do before they die once. What she doesn't seem to understand is that "big-talk" is a process, not a goal.
Personally I have observed the limitations of "small talk" with it's nonsensical, superficial jargon: "how you doing" "what's going on" "have a nice day" all fluffy, disingenuous bullshit like that. In this, I am in agreement. However, I think that small talk has its place as an introduction...a FIRST LINE of questions. The real skill comes in GENTLY moving the conversation to the second line of questions, and eventually getting to a deeper connection. I can, usually within 10 minutes, get many people, not all, to open up about deeper issues, but I don't start off that way. I can do this because I have practiced. There are certain skills involved: being authentic, being fully present, really listening, body gesture, manners of speaking, developing trust, ramping up the depth of conversation gradually, etc. Just walking up to someone and asking "what do you want to do before you die?" to me sounds somewhat laden with an agenda and ironically is far afield from an authentic deep connection - I am not there to interview them.
She did not elucidate any methods by which to get to "big-talk" except as a project....."let's do big talk now." Websites and cameras in the context of a project are one thing, casual meetings around the water cooler are quite another.
well said.
A point...
couldnt agree more
***** ok buddy
so true
I feel like it all depends on the open mindedness of people. Most people don't want to feel vulnerable or "put their cards on the table". I've always been a loner and mind my own business but I've also had some of the best conversation and have learned a lot about myself from complete strangers. No expectations, just honesty and sincerity.
We live in an age of technology where we are connected worldwide but still disconnected from each other. We can learn so much from each other , but let our differences separate us. We are only alone if we want to be. You'll find we aren't so different after all..........So,
Love yourself. Love each other. And Love life.
Hilarious...
The comments kept me from finishing the video.
A hurray for honesty.
I stopped at 0:44. Also scrolled straight to the comments. What a save 😂
10:14
*feels uplifted and reinvigorated to make meaningful changes in your personal life*
Goes to youtube comment section instead...
lol ikr
Same lol
dude honestly, I'm just here looking for _"I'd give her deepest conversations"_ comment..
I actually watched the video and realised it was about as interesting as small talk. You didn't miss much. But, "what do you want to do before you die?"
I was feeling motivated too, and scrolled down to see some wholesome discussion. Your comment was top and I'm just going to stop here. Thanks for the warning man, you helped me hold on to my inspiration.
To save you watching the video:
To skip small talk, ask deep questions
thanks!
Ikr .... like why did you click this link e.t.c
Thanks man. This was taking way too long.
It's not so black and white like that. There's a development that takes place within ones self, before you can truly understand how to make real "big talk" or ask "deep questions." Its suggested not to just look for the quick and easy answers. Look at the big picture and observe. Watch the video shes a great gal.
Well a dumb guy like myself is still connected to people ... As much as necessary .Besides i've learned that some aspects of life are confined to some certain "gifted" people ... I know It sounds like sh*t but sadly that is the truth....At least for me.
You can hear her heart beating through the mic; she is very nervous. Props to her for doing this!
It’s amazing how back in the day talking was so natural as no one felt alone and normal and now it’s a big idea cause everyone feels alone in this day and age where work is more important then happiness and friendship and family! Where people only consider things to be rational only if it’s connected to work!
True💯
To those saying she is bragging, it is not bragging. She has to talk about her experiences. If she did not have these experiences she would have no credibility and the audience would not trust her. It is called ethos and is one of the three vital components of public speaking. She did a great job.
+GJS96 I hear you. Right on the rhetoric part. Problem is that after 20 minutes she does not really tell us about how to "skip the small talk" except 1 or 2 minutes about existential questions, however we are able to tell that she has a full social life, and that she went to silicon valley because her video is so successful.
Lol but I think the concept is great though, she can just be more effective at story telling because some people can get bored and lose focus in the end.
Exactly. While I'm so happy that she had so much and had so many epiphanies... this doesn't really answer the question.
Common street preachers are doing this all the time. Why not provide an example of how someone NOT like her, can succeed in applying her methods.
Perhaps she was brought to speak at TEDx... prematurely?
Idk, I was disappointed. I didn't learn jack fucking SHIT from this bitch. Did you?
I thot about it, and I want to have a positive attitude and love everyone. How 'bout YOU?
Ignore negative individuals. There was however, a LOT of "small talk" for a speech that's supposed to be about skipping small talk. It seems to me that she overthinks her interactions with other people, a lot. There was a lot of "I was happy, then I wasn't happy, then I was happy again, then I wasn't happy again.", but no actual revelation was shared. She's not alone in this habit. There are other TEDx talks that seem to address the "problem" of small talk, and fail at it just as miserably. But if there is a consistent theme from them, it's that having a positive attitude and not negatively prejudging someone, can lead to meaningful conversation and potentially meaningful relationships.
You can hear her heartbeat
Seraephus dude I thought I was the only one!
Seraephus yeah heard it immediately. super weird...
4:31 probably she is not as calm as it shows on her.
Every time I hear/read "heartbeat" I have to think of this amazing song from Laust Sonne "Lost my heart", that makes my heart beat faster and I want to dance and cry at the same time. #strangeemotions
I must have shit hearing.
"You want some chicken?"
Works every time.
Even with vegans!
iTs nOt BiG tAlK lol this video is funny
I missed the part where she actually goes over how to "connect with anyone". I thought that was the whole point of this talk.
wasted too much time talking about herself
This chick just doesn't know how to be chill; way overanalyzes things. Not everyone wants big talk, who wants to waste their time with big talk when you can just small talk and be done with that 1 minute interaction. It's simply a polite gesture to small talk and be friendly. Not everyone wants to get into deep conversations with randoms.
Thank you for saving me time
I missed the part where that's my problem
It's easy to be a cute bubbly girl and asking those questions. If your ugly and ask what would you do if you died tomorrow? They would call the police and throw you in jail.
+odgnj5 hahahahaha lmao!!!
+odgnj5 true
+odgnj5 hehe it does not have to be that specific question per-sé. Find another universal, meaningful open-ended question that can suit you better.
Perhaps a young cute girl would notice your charisma behind your "ugly" physical appearance
+Aaron Rey
looooooool try it and report back
vehlajatt22
I can even record it and upload to youtube if it helps you all
Funny thing is I think I've had exactly the opposite experience as her.
All of my young life I was most comfortable with the big talk, but uncomfortable with small talk. [Exhibit A: I'm putting all of this out there on a CZcams comment.] I found it very alienating and lonely because most people are not comfortable with that level of intimacy. That goes for giving and receiving.
To me a friend is someone you don't need to put on a persona for. Someone who knows all of your faults and skeletons but accepts you anyway. All the others are acquaintances. In my mind, someone not being comfortable talking about things that really matter--their hopes, their fears--means they don't trust me to know the 'them' that resides deep inside. Thus, they didn't consider me their friend.
On the receiving end, I was also the person who was always putting my deepest thoughts and feelings out there. I could literally watch people shrink away from me in discomfort. When I was little, I remember watching people who would switch personalities depending on surroundings and thinking of them as lairs, as two-faced, as just disingenuous people. That probably seems funny when all I'm talking about is putting on a smile and acting cheery when moments ago they were a sea of worry or something. Nevertheless, early on I vowed to myself that I would always have the integrity to outwardly reflect my inner self with no masks. That lead to a lonely few decades.
People didn't want to be around someone who expects them to practically bear their soul, so people who wouldn't been great casual friends distanced themselves. I felt like I was walking through life naked among a sea of people hiding behind their masks. Nobody seemed willing to share their inner self with me and nobody seemed comfortable being around me. I felt very alone. I became resentful.
How it played out is that I only ended up meeting a few people over the years that were comfortable with that level of intimacy, and as such they were/are deeply bonded relationships... and next to zero friendships/acquaintances beyond that.
It is only recently that I have come to accept small talk as a social lubricant that binds us as on all kinds of levels. Just because someone doesn't want to share with me their worries about growing distant from their spouse, for instance, doesn't mean they don't care deeply about me and value the relationship we have.
I am still very awkward, uncomfortable, and unpracticed when trying to talk about the weather or local sports team or whatever, but I'm trying. I have to consciously resist what comes naturally to me, which is "James! Been a while. How're things going with Carol? Better?" which in my mind expresses empathy, concern, that the things that really matter to him matter to me, and offers an ear/shoulder. How that could be a conversation killer was beyond me. I've learned that one kind of friend is the sort that is an escape from your concerns. It's ok to just have a beer together and laugh about meaningless stuff. There's value in that.
I'm still struggling to find a balance that feels true to myself, in terms of feeling like I am putting my raw self out there but not overwhelming folks, and in being completely open and inviting for people to share their inner self with, while respecting people's boundaries and comfort levels without taking it personally.
+Seth Williamson
I'm glad I read this to the end before responding; some people would simply read half and chip in their own two cents. Does this mean I care more than those who would read a portion? More likely than not, this can't at all become the tool of measuring ones compassion, just as willingness to open up in two-way Big Talk can't ever be; social factors are simply over powering. As Kalina finds, what you see on the outside does not determine the inside. We all feel weather, and we all feel loneliness; it appears the majority prefer to stick with weather.
I like your term 'social lubricant' because that is precisely what it is! With so many different and unique personalities out there, every one will, likewise, have varying perspectives on a 'big talker' like yourself. My best friend is similar (i double checked it wasn't her Commenting, no joke!) and while she clashes with some, she attracts to only a few. Though the conversations they have are courageous and mind blowing! I think the speaker Kalina is emphasizing the bravery required to 'walk through life naked,' opening up to the matters of humanity everyone of every kind deals with! Though lonely and alienating, I bet the close relationships you do have and develop will be invaluable and so much richer than many will ever go through life experiencing.
Naturally, balance is best. To connect with anyone is understanding where they stand and then adjusting. If both parties comfort level can meet halfway by means of give and take interactions, that is beautiful in my opinion. It allows the two to empathize, push each other, and evolve the human connection.
Fully appreciating the honesty of opposition! No way in hell are you alone!
+Seth Williamson I think i'm in a even worse situation as you've went through, I have some real difficulties in making friends, which I believe I have social anxiety or anti-social, even walking to class on campus, I would feel really awkward and don't know if I should lift my head up or keep my head down when walking, and also if I lift up my head where should I look? should I look in far distance? or should I look at other people's shoes or their eyes perhaps? I have no problem speaking to people, like i'm not nervous or anything I don't stutter nor have my eyes fly all over the place, I just don't feel comfortable connecting with people although I really want to. Small talks makes me really awkward because I have no idea what to talk about, and big talks I have none to talk about since my life is really hallow and nothing interesting. I am quite smart, and always the elite few of the class like chemistry or physics, so other people would only bond and talk to me so that I could help them, and that's probably my only advantage for socializing in college. I only have a handful of friends that either I met in the gym and got quite close to, or the group what I knew since elementary school whom I still often sleepover for the weekends, I feel really alone and like a social outcast because everyone else seems to be able to get along with pretty much any person and have tons of friends, yet I barely know anyone on campus.
+Seth Williamson I like, respect and completely identify with this experience.
kLuMzyOwl People like tohelp people; find one extrovert friend to that understands the social hesistence of an introvert, and encourage them to encourage more effective social skills. Other than practice, majority of the work is confidence and self-esteem. :)
+Katerina Amberg
In our culture, it seems we consider extrovert = healthy; introvert = unhealthy. I don't necessarily think that is true. The world absolutely needs both types, and both personalities should be equally celebrated. Introversion is not a personality flaw in and of itself.
Just as extreme introversion can have unhealthy outcomes, so can extreme extroversion. I have known people who absolutely cannot handle being alone for even a few hours, just as I've known people whose limit for social contact is a few hours. Both are equally limiting and lead to different but equally bad outcomes.
One way of thinking about the difference is how you recharge your batteries. Do you recharge by going out with friends, etc. and find yourself low on energy when by yourself, or do you find social environments draining and you recharge by being alone, reading a good book, etc.
Interesting you mention confidence and self-esteem. My guess is those play into both extremes. To me it is highly worrying to find people who cannot handle being alone with just their own thoughts to keep them company, that constantly need external stimuli to feel comfortable. I wonder if there are confidence and self-esteem issues equally at play there.
In the end, like most things, it is not which side of the scale you're on, but how extreme that matters.
Sometimes I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'll give TED talks another chance.' ...Then I get a video like this.
I only watch em when my work requires it. TARD talks.
I now want a tshirt that says “I don’t like small talk” and see what conversations get started
No one would talk to you
@@josephinemccarthy3982 I have to disagree that no one would talk to @becuzimjj. I had had the same idea about the t-shirt, lol!
Makes sense. I don't like small talk and usually it feels awkward.
people say that i dont talk at all , little do they know how uninterested i am in their small talk.
Exactly! I wish I had the confidence to have big talks with more people but I am scared of their reaction so often settle for boring and awkward conversations :(
Small talk feels awkward for me as well. if I ask a small talk type question, I usually don't pay attention to the person's response because I am in my head trying to think of the next thing to ask to keep the conversation going.
Open-ended, universal questions help alleviate that to some degree if the other party is able to elaborate on their response. Some people aren't always willing or able to express themselves. That can be awkward as well.
+Charles Alvear It would work better if you actually listened to what the other person had to say. Don't really think to much and pay attention because you could easily stem another question off of their response. Keep it going like that
though there is no point in doing useless talk, so it doesnt really matter.
Transformative, Kalina.
I use "small talk", briefly, as a way to disarm. Evolution has hardwired us to respond to strangers within seconds as either an ally, enemy, potential partner, or indifferently. Our default response is "indifference". An excess of small talk guarantees we will never be regarded in any other way than indifferently.
However, it can be used adroitly and expeditiously to escalate effortlessly into "Big Talk". "Small Talk" questions like "Excuse me, what have you heard about that book you're buying?" can lead in two or three minutes to "What's the most amazing thing you've experienced as a teacher?" or even in the case of someone who, let's say, is homeless, small talk about the weather can lead to "I bet you know more about people than a Harvard psychologist. What's the most-important thing you've learned.
That question lead to a homeless man telling me "All that glitters is not gold." When I asked him what he meant he said he saw so many people that seemed to have it all but when he heard snippets of their conversations, they were leading lives of quiet desperation. I had bought a C.D. of a classical piece--a Schubert piano trio--and he noticed it and said, "Ah...the Trio in E Flat Major. That second movement...the Adante Con moto...that lamenting cello and those two and three-part textures."
I was speechless.
"I went to Juilliard a thousand years ago. You wouldn't think so would you?"
What followed was a profound dialogue on the question as to whether chance or destiny ruled our lives--all because I asked him the directions to a chapel I couldn't find.
I guess my point is, there's an important role for small talk but it is worth little if it doesn't allow one to plumb the depths of another's deeper, inner life.
Finish your comment. What did the homeless man say? I'm interested now lol
Her heart is pounding!
Time stamp?
I actually have a guy in my school who would talk to me about space and scientific theories , and it was so amazing !
Angelina Kolobukhova people keep telling me that my talking could put them to sleep,but when I jump to the big talk,then it's I got to know you better,I've set out to meet in person to person some of my new friends from Facebook,But people want honesty but don't want to be honest
thats a way better idea indeed! i will try it too
Angelina Kolobukhova did it work?
Angelina Kolobukhova You need to sing, checked out your videos. I sing and play guitar professionally and I’m telling you need to do that you’re really good. I really liked unstoppable.
Thank me later, when you become famous. Lol 😂
We had "small talk" , now there is "big talk" , who will join me in my new revolutionary concept of "medium talk"?
I'm with you on that one bro ..
+Low lines lmfao man ... you got some "medium talk" ideas??
And introducing... *comfortable* periods of silence! There's nothing awkward in it!
th omasDJMIKE CLASSE the
Low lines Can you give an example?
I met a deaf 44 year old Russian lady named katya on a bus. Over the four hour bus ride she taught me sign language. But before that we started out typing to each other back and forth and very early on our conversations were about car accidents and family deaths. We were best friends when we left. Skipping small talk really does connect people
It's in the eyes, how you look at someone. Keep your gaze long, fixed and strong. You will touch someone deep, deep inside with this approach. People will respond positively and your connection will be made. I do this at a bus stop, at a tesco's checkout, in traffic when i'm stopped at lights, at work looking across the office. ty 4 gr8 vid.
"why do we have small talk?" To understand if the person you are talking to is not a crazy person
right, why would I ever want to talk to someone not crazy?
like the crazy cat lady with 16 cats crazy or the psycho crazy you have to be a bit specific these days?
Ha Ha Ha! :)
Spoiler alert: most of the times you won't. The real crazy hides behind a mask of charm and empathy.
Martín Corvalán Gidi sounds like you have yet to meet a truly “crazy” person.
I may catch some flak for this, but for the sake of talking big, I choose to be real: there is very little revelation about communication here in this talk.
This branding experiment Ms. Silverman has conducted has only reaffirmed things that are very much known problems that are swept under the rug of collective denial:
1. A lot of people are lonely and have difficulty making real connections (see Eleanore Rigby)
2. A lot of people perceive the need for deeper meaning in their life and would like a quick, easy way to find that fix.
Small talk is an important and complex system of societal norms that allows us to affirm or deny each other, feel comfortable around strangers, and identify stranger-danger if the norms are not practiced or repeated.
Skipping small talk and going straight for the Big Talk is a sign of disrespect, confusion, or danger. If you walk up to someone and with no context skip straight to big talk, you have almost certainly made your target uncomfortable. Unless you're an attractive young woman; for some reason this demographic is universally better convincing people to join or buy something.
One's realest feelings are important and should absolutely be guarded with vigilance. Why? Because those feelings allow you to be manipulated. Do you know what the highest level sales people look for in potential sales prospects? Pain points. That is literally how the sales industry refers to them.
tl;dr Don't skip small talk. #Gitgud at it instead, and learn how to spot people who actullay care about you.
+Ross Lytle "for some reason" = high demand for hot girls ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ; aka lots of thirsty people, She should try asking the deep questions with a gay guy :P
Any peer-reviewed article reference?
she did first video curly blonde haired guy had sex abroad with a a man apperently so yeah
epic comment, just what i was thinking
Ross Lytle I
Very moving. I hope the woman on the beach tells the person that she loves him/her.
+Rose Awen I was thinking the same thing!
I loved this talk. I struggle with social anxiety because I dont get small talk. It seems unnatural to me. I want to dive deeper. But I always feel that people aren't open to that concept.
This is so true. Notice how many small minded people make small minded comments on this thread. Keep being yourself.
Yeah, me too.
That’s because people feel awkward about bringing up dee convo, however if you bring it up, they will for sure enjoy talkin about it :)
I have social anxiety and am struggling with a small talk too but I’m trying to learn that and enjoy it.
Admirable that this young woman has taken an idea that grew out of an awareness of her need and did the work to refine and promote it in a way that is encouraging and meaningful to others. She's probably reached many more people than most people do in their lives. So what if she is not the most polished TEDTalk speaker. If her idea doesn't strike you, don't pursue it, but why do so many commenters feel the need to be so negative about this? Her "Before I Die" video has 99% thumbs up and mostly positive comments. I'm discouraged by all the negativity in the world these days but encouraged by people like Kalina. You go, girl!
"What do you want to do before you die?" immediately makes everyone take a step back and kind of snaps them back to reality for a second. it's a question that unconsciously resonates with everyone. the kind of question that makes you remember that you do have a purpose, one that's deeper than just getting a good job.
Donovan M. Or reminds you that you don't have one.
I think that that questions falls in the "Universal" question type
The F.O.R.D (family, occupation, recreation, dreams) method is an easier way to connect than trying to think of open ended questions that may be weird to ask a total stranger
In a lot of societies it is considered invasive and boorish to ask about the occupations of strangers or new acquaintances.
Karim Sarif could you explain more to me,maybe help me understand it better,I'm confident,open,honest,forward,not a shy person,curious
I make it a point to never ask what people "do" - I wait until I learn about it organically.
I think it's weird when someone I don't know fairly well asks me about my family...Occupation and recreation, is ok...dreams ok if you've known someone for a little while. I'd be way more comfortable with someone asking me "What are some of your life goals?" vs "So do you have two parents? Do you have kids....." etc. I'll vaguely discuss my goals with anyone but none of your damn business about my family until we're on a "friend's" level.
ari3lz3pp3lin that’s why the world feels cold to many people. The only way to win trust is to be disinterested. That’s weird if we think about it.
I had a niece who wouldn't answer my "Good morning" in the morning because she thought it was "small talk" or "shallow" to say "Good morning." I think your goal is to help people open up and communicate freely. Being a good listener does that. When I listen to someone talking, I naturally form questions in my head and find appropriate times to ask. Sometimes the person is talking so much my question needs to be forgotten. It's very hard to determine when someone is being "shallow," aka small talking. The technique is to probe a little bit with a good question. How wonderful if you could teach good listening skills.
People can be so unnecessarily mean. Kalina thank you for this. Ignore the vindictiveness in some of these comments as they are more a reflection of the insecurities infesting those people that made them. You gave a beautiful talk and opened your heart about something extremely important. And the message has been received loud and clear. Keep on keeping on to build this much needed project.🙏
Hey, thank you so much for your kindness and support! :) I do not take offense to the comments as everyone is entitled to their own opinion - In truth, I gave this talk many years ago and know there are lots of improvements to be made. Still, I hope that people will continue to open up to one another in efforts to become less lonely and more connected, and for that Big Talk will keep on working!
I'm going through a personal struggle right now, it's called TEDx
I hope everyone can give her a break. she's young and feels passionate about this and honestly it's something so pure that it's refreshing. stop getting all worked up about her delivery. be happy there is someone who wants to spread positivity and human connection. the world needs that
I love this age of progress. I love that we as a society are growing aware of values like connection empathy and the real stuff.
Rather than superficial pleasures of the flesh.
Small talks are a wonderful tool to use when still testing the waters ...they relieve the anxiety and awkwardness in the beginning of any human connection.
"Big talks" feel good when they happen with those few humans that get you completely, they connect with you, and you trust. You built up to this very fulfilling form of connection. Imagine just spelling your mind and heart out to anyone that comes you're way - we'd all be exhausted all the time.
Small talks create barriers in between people. Every time they see each other, they engage in the same old, boring small talk. They never move on to the deeper, interesting, and intellectual conversations. They become stuck on small talk. The way I see it, say what's really on your mind. Stop talking about the whether. Stop saying "what's going on?" "How's it going?" Stop saying "how was your weekend? We as a society should ditch the small talk and go straight for the meat and potatoes if we're trying to get to know each other. Let's speak what's on our minds more often. Just spit it out. Get it off our chest. Let's talk about it. Why not?
I tried to do "Big talk" with the guy I like and he ended up deleting me.
LOL
Me too
💀
LilRachelK if you like the guy and he immediately flees from that question....then you probably dodged a bullet and avoided investing lots of time and energy into someone who was totally wrong for you
if your man can't big talk, then he's not a man & he's still a boy
Wow. I can't believe that there's someone out there like me. What she has felt is exactly what I am feeling right now.
I cannot believe how much negativity is shown by some of the comments on here. Shocking and sad. This is one technique and insight that can help in your life... or you can choose others. Personally, my kids and wife are going to get an extra big hug and smile when I get home today. Thanks, Kalina.
Why do people always assume that you have to make a change and everything have to be meaningful? Life solves most of the problems as you accept it and enjoy what you have right now? Big questions comes naturally when the relationship between people matured. I love the lightness of being.
Having a Big Talk with yourself is the most important thing you can do in life. Unfortunately if you are disconnected from Yourself connecting to other people will bring the same emptiness and loneliness...Oh I've been there... being empty and trying to connect to other people will give you short euphoria, sugar rush but it will shortly end leaving you just where you were... empty and confused. But when you have wholeness within yourself then it won't actually matter if you're alone or with people. If you're alone you will always feel that magical feeling of being complete and you will always have a chance to have a Big Talk with Yourself, laugh with Yourself or just simply be with Yourself. People having such a hard time just Be with Themselves. But by gaining that wholeness when in a social situation your connection with people will be coming not from a space of loneliness but from a happy space of being complete and content and it is very healing for people to connect this way. It feels like you're not sucking anyone's energy but instead you give away.... or to say better you're not giving or receiving... you're just being with each other in the most natural way. Anyway... my English is quite limited to describe the whole magic of self actualization that happened to me recently ... but this girl were very insightful finding herself lonely after trying to connect to so many people. I'm happy she mentioned that. That was the most important part of the whole talk. Thank you Kalina :) Perfect timing :)
+Greenberg Anastasia what you just said is what I need. how do I learn to be complete within myself? I want that more than anything.
Well said! If you aren't happy by yourself you're just looking for someone to fill the void. If you can first be happy alone, connecting with people and having relationships is just an added bonus!
+Greenberg Anastasia
I'm amazed at how much i can relate to this. Especially the first part. I've felt that exact same thing. I felt empty inside and lonely. I thought that my loneliness originated from me not connecting with other people. So i tried to be a person i was not (genuinely). I felt that i made people talk to me, but i was still feeling empty inside. Sure, i got the sugar spike of ''meaning'', but, as you said, it only lasts a short while. Thank you for sharing!
its simple really, been doing it all my life, you begin with small talk, feeling out their interest, goals, motivations. depending on mutual interest in each other and length of time you have been talking, then go a little deeper into their life, childhood, dreams, aspirations. and once this door is open, you are basically bffs and deeply connected. but there has to be mutual interest in each other and for a long enough time. easier if romance is in play but for acquaintances and colleagues more time is needed.
No kidding. Meaning, I hear what you're saying. I think some people don't need this particular Ted Talk. It's kinda basic stuff.
GemBombzGirl I have the same exact feelings and attitude towards small talk and socializing but I do not think it has to do with being more engrossed in physical sensations and emotions. Not finding very basic socialization (small talk) rewarding is an element of having an introverted personality type, introverts are not inherently more self centered in their perspective than extroverts, their biology just doesn't reward them for socializing the same as extroverts thus the difference in behavior..
Only finding problem oriented conversations fulfilling is a trait of people high in openness, intellect specifically.
Are you an INTP, gembombzgirl? Because you just described me perfectly.
exactly, you skip the small talk you miss some basic stuff about the person
Probably one of the best Ted Talks I've had the privilege of hearing.. mostly because it resonates with me personally.. everyone should take a few moments and try to watch this..
There're too many comments about being beautiful acting as an advantage to talking to people! It can be but at times it may not be. Just because she's beautiful doesn't mean she wasn't lonely and that it wasn't as hard for her to connect to people. She was lonely at college despite her being beautiful, going to parties etc. and this is her showing how she helped herself out of this situation with her own method, also finding the same people like her at the time and trying to help others not go through the same thing!
I'm a 20 year old Russian girl living in London, who's never been lonely before until last year.. As I may seem attractive to people, some have a thought before even talking to me that I love myself too much or whatever their thought might be! I found that quite a lot of people won't try and even talk to me because of that. They think I'm big-headed when I'm the total opposite! And here I am a year from now still aching in loneliness even though just like Kalina, I go out and still try my best to talk to people. I'm a bubbly, friendly and smiling person on the outside. No one would have ever thought that I'm actually lonely, I'd always think 'Gosh, I'm a 20 year old girl only starting life but I'm as lonely as a pensioner'. So here I am.. Trying my best, changing my mindset, switching jobs, signing up to a sports centre hoping to find that someone or at least not feel lonely...
We seem to criticise people so quickly, no wonder it is so hard to connect with everyone!
Once there was this TED-Thing...Amazing talks about the wonders of science and the persons who creates this marvels...Now we got this...and how to become a millionaire in three years...:(
I am so thankful this exists! I work at a grocery store and am annoyed when asking "how are you?" almost everyone replies "well" or "good". In my head I'm thinking no you aren't tell me what obstacles you're facing in life and don't tell me coupons are your biggest problems. Big Talk :)
When I first land in North Carolina, I was frustrated by people asking me "how are you". My natural instinct was to reflect on my wellbeing and describe accordingly. And I paused awkwardly after the question was asked. Now I have adjusted myself to answer "good! Thanks" just to keep the world spinning in its normal pace without my hiccups.
+Anthony Tibbetts You probably need to find a different type of work so that you could have "big talks".
Really wished I'd read the comments before watching the video. This is pretty much a self loving TedTalk for herself
Love this..so true. Hearing their stories made me emotional. We all desire to connect with others, we were meant for community. It shows you care rather than surface talk that doesn’t produce connection and meaningful relationships. Well done.
The main point of the video is awesome! I love the idea of Big Talk.
But, as with a lot of other TED Talks, it ends up getting buried by the story behind it about how the girl made it big with her concept of Big Talk. I wish she'd gone deeper or had given more examples in the tips to implementing Big Talk rather than talk so much about herself!
Ur ri8 man
There is a video from asap science aboht question that make people fall in love with you
Those are some questions that can help you
Really? She had to put her story in it to be authentic... If you like the topic, go into that, check her website or sth. TED talks are mostly to encourage you to dwell deeper into, due to their limited timing. And the thing she said in the end, that after all of this, she had to connect with herself, was brilliant. Because, you see, most of people in their tries in better understanding the world and connecting with others, are forgetting about establishing a deep connection with themselves, which in my opinion and from observations, is the key to happiness and better life in general.
my only problem with this is you would never go up to a stranger and ask them "what do you want to do before you die?" If someone did that to me, I would think they were freaking crazy and I'd walk away. small talk is there for a reason.
Krista Gibson that's you.. I would. I think that's a fantastic topic. what's to lose? the respect of a stranger?
verybrightdarkness this is the point. I would learn many of these things about you, your struggles. your uncertainty, your fear from your reaction to my single question. without you having to write a paragraph. you could then ask Me anything and we could communicate on a deeper level. it's do simple, it's stupid if you think about it.
Krista Gibson unless you had a camera and were shooting documentary, exactly
Krista Gibson
Actually there are people out there who don't mind being asked those question.Only a small percentage. It's also how you present yourself.
Just visit any place in Latin America and people will tell you their whole story in the same night. Is lovely and you need a few hours to feel like home in Latin America
Im not getting why people need to beat down this video like this, its helped me loads and i can finaly make friends,
You dont need to do this with ANY stranger but if the situation is presented just make big talk instead of crawling in a corner.
Just like with big talk.
If you dont have enything "nice" to say, keep it to yourself....
Stacey Mulderij she didnt address the question at all, actually it is bad advice. I would not recommend starting conversations with profound questions at all for no reason.
I once was approached by this dude in the bus while going to class and he would randomly start talking about programming, then asking and asking. At first I was cool with it but then after 10 minutes all I wanted was him to be quiet.
The one thing that helped me the most (I have a healthy social life and many friends, used to be very very shy), was to just learn to listen more and hang out more, meet people. You get to a point in which you just know when to talk deep or when to talk shallow(which by the way is most of the time, because people find it really awkward it doesnt matter if it is your SO or your best friend). Hope this helps
Stacey Mulderij ...thats great if it somehow resonates with you but you can’t expect it to do the same for other people thats simply a product of our individuality and subjective life experiences.
I've been saying this for years!! I've always hated small talk, it bores the hell out of me and I just don't have the patience for it- I just wanna get straight to the good stuff lol
You remind me of this girl I once knew. She is you. I've connected. Thank you very much. I've lost my job, my Roomate, my girlfriend who lives with me and myself. And 8 hours ago a friend brought me back to the mirror. And since then I'm here watching you. Thank you very much. I will intensely follow your movement. On myself and others. Arigato/xie xie. Gracias, obrigado.
I feel like.. that’s why I’m more of an introvert? I just hate having small talks. But I’m more interactive and all ears for big talks! I have only one friend that I can have big talk with and I thought that she’s the only person who would care to have this kind of conversations. But now I’m seeing big talk in a new light thanks to this movement. The video she made just proves that everyone want or need big talks.
This is such a positive Tedx, with a young woman getting out of her comfort zone and daring to do something different. Being young and attractive does not diminish the quality and the courage of that person. Obviously, she was not alone either, someone was filming. But this is absolutely not the point here. Her point is to be able to connect, on a deeper level. It is certainly not about walking up to just strangers and starting talking with them (but it could if one felt like it), it's about talking with people around us, people we meet regularly, in our neighborhood, at work, even in our own family. When was the last time I asked my parents or my sisters what is the one thing they want to have accomplished in their life? Maybe it happened one time with one of my sister, my nieces? How to come up with big questions? Well, what is important for you? What makes you feel alive? That's the technique: Thinking. And then sharing. She even shared at the end of the Tedx that those big questions helped her with her feeling of loneliness, answering them helped her get out of her funk. I admire young people doing things differently and then putting themselves out there, opening up, in their vulnerability. Congrats Kalina!
Thank you so much! :)
Glad I watched all the way through
Me too
Same I hope you have a great day or night. From Talisha
"Go to the police and make a confession"
Wow, that's kind of scary.
I think he said 'priest'.
hahaha He said priest :))
LOL! Even though I know he said priest this is pretty hilarious.
Brilliant! Please don't let the negative jerkoffs deter you. The idea of asking a big question is a great way to connect with people we would like to know better. I am not good at small talk. This will help me a great deal. I am sure people who criticize you are just pissed that they lack the confidence to " go big" This is evident in the small mined put-downs. This is one of the BEST talks I have seen in a long time. As a public speaker, I can say watch out for the "um's" but you were brilliant! Bravo! Love you for being so brave.
Hi Barbara! Thank you for your kind words. To be honest, I have not looked at comments (or even watched this talk) since delivering it as a college student four years ago. I recognize there is so so much more work to do in this space both as a communication researcher, educator, and public speaker. The contents of the talk were based purely off of the experiences of a 20 year old with a lot to learn. Thank you for the feedback, and happy to hear the idea resonates with you! I apprediate your positivity! :)
Can i marry the dude that says he wants to have a wife and kids like my heart is melting!! 😍😭😭
You Can Hear Her Heart Beating At The Start OMG Listen With EarPhones!!
+BOKAM That's not her heart. That's just the intro music.
+Mounted Czarina It's actually her heart beating, I'm at minute 3 and i can still hear it
+RocketFella No, you can't. You're mistaken or deluded.
I'm listing in my studio it's definitely a heartbeat
+BOKAM Don't Capitalize Every First Letter Of Every Word, its gay.
I try to make time in my day to watch 1 ted talk. This one had a great message
+Ariel Corella Thank you for taking the time to watch the talk! :)
+Big Talk so whats your real Name? big Talk or kalina silverman
+andi le What country are you from?
FTS germany. Do you plan to assassinate me?
One of the best things I’ve seen on YT.
I’d say lack Of connection with people call sis most of the problems in the world today. I truly feel sad for anyone that gives this video thumbs down.
Even though there are a lot of negative comments down here, I am glad that this video exists. If you dont like her approach on "big talk" than figure out for yourself what works and what doesnt. We have a feeling for whats awkward and what could work when dealing with other people.
i just watched that entire video. Theonly valuable thing in the entire video was from the 10 minute mark to the 12 minute mark.the rest is just her talking about herself.
Yeah, another self-absorbed journalism student with big ideas. Oy.
Jason Jasonson thanks bro you saved 20mins of my time
Thanks for saved time.
I came to this video because of the interesting title. I saw the speaker and thought oh no, this will be another shallow girl thinking she knows it all. Even so something compelled me to watch it and give her a chance. I'm glad I did. This was profound and also poignant and yes, it made me cry.
You are a beautiful person inside and out!! We need more people like you in the world, thanks for doing your part in the world to make it a better place!! Much love 🙏
everyone has a story to tell. all we have to do is listen. I love listening to people's stories about their childhood, their struggles, their success, their love, their loss, their dreams, their fears...
when someone listens to us, with genuine interest, we feel less invisible and more human.
Trying to solve the world's problems can kill you. You have to take care of yourself first and not get lost in the process. Nice talk.
I can hear her heartbeat, P7 wireless is crazy
I couldn't hear it so i tried to enlarge my screen! lmao xD
I couldn't, but now that I read your comment I can't unhear it.
You high?
Oh man.. the suit at 11:37 ... he probably never gets to see them because of work. He might get a couple hours between finishing work and then going to bed.
He probably spends all his time trying to give them a future. Now he’s thinking of what means the most and all he want is to spend time with them.
Heartbreaking.
Made my eyes water when I watched him speak. Really hit home.
Wow, thank you so much! What you said about big talk with myself rings out to me. As a person who may be lonely or not feel connected or fulfilled in that way, the least I can do is to know and be happy with myself. I don't often feel like I love me, but if I know me that well, then maybe I will be first strongly rooted and connected to myself and be able to be okay and happy with me, and maybe be able to give the most of myself when that other person comes along.
Skipping the small talk, I think I like you Kalina... lol. Great perspective! Definitely worthy of a TED clip.
Not everyone is troubled by being alone. Not everyone wants to connect with many people. If someone I'd just met asked me these questions it would certainly be our first and last conversation.
I liked the way she expressed herself. It's such an introspective story
This is exactly what i needed to hear. I’ve been studying abroad in Canada (originally form South Africa) and I’ve been very caught up the feeling of isolation when the opportunity for connection is there. I’m going to give the diary questions a try. Thanks
I always hated small talks. It happened sometimes that people said I was heavy for that, always with these "big talks", and so I stopped. Last year I went abroad for a month and it was one of the best time of my life. Your talk made me realize that it was because I was really more open there and I should try again to be like that here. This also answer your question :)
If you don't want to watch the whole thing just type in Big Talk Questions in google and you'll get a bunch of questions you can ask people to skip small talk.
Stellar Shores thank you! This video is so long and boring....
Most women would find this boring becasue all they really want to do is talk about themself..if the subject isnt about them they get bored quick and their ADD kicks in :)
it can weed them out
Donte Mac men were saying the same thing..
When the man said 'i want to see my kids graduate' I swear I cried.
I'm happy because I've reached almost minute 8 and I've stopped to read the comments and now I know that it is not worth finishing the video.
Small talk is a good buffer I don't want to skip it
It's takes tremendous energy to "connect " deeply
It's illogical and unobtainable to have that connection with every one
The message behind this is beautiful! For someone with a message that's still finding a way to express themselves, something like big talk is a great tool for finding your voice, and building confidence to go out and spread a message :) Thank you!
I see why this video has 6m views...small talk keeps us caged in whereas big talk opens and frees our minds and hearts. I’m struggling to have big talk with my immediate family and friends. Maybe it’s me that needs to adjust the way I see things but it’s very difficult trying to push through the feelings and doubts you have when you think you’re the reason why people avoid acknowledging your existence. I wish to be bold and courageous like you one day...
This video is great. Really helpful. I think old people mostly saying ideas worth spreading on interviews. For example veterans or our grandparents. I heard from them 3 important things:
1. Learn languages.
2. Do things with satisfaction (money will be here less or more but always be)
3. Care about your friends don't lose them.
Good job.
Well done.
I found this very powerful. Something that I quite often do is ask people how they are doing. Then question their automatic response. Sometimes it opens the door to what is really happening in their lives and how they are feeling, sometimes not.
This is an inspiring talk! It is interesting to me how many of the comments below are self-limiting with regards to open communication. Over-sexualizing every situation seems to be a damaging trend in our culture...there are lots of ways to be attractive, open, inviting. Being young, female, and petite is just one of countless ways it could look like.
To use a metaphor, small talk is like foreplay. The longer the foreplay, the better the .....latter stages are.
Going straight to the ‘big talk’ is like a ‘wham, bam, thankyou ma’am’ type of rough internal dialogue tone.
Big talk is great. Good small talk, makes good big talk, yet most times, the small talk is enough.
You showed me the importance of knowing what myself thinks about deep questions. After I know deeply my mind and heart and everything, I can share big talks with who I trust, thank you
Jeez, I got misty-eyed at 11:30
I lost it!
Ariel Grushka me too, happy i wasn't the only one
True hey. Its as if her entire project was geared towards him by a Loving Creator.
The better point maybe, if you knew today was your last day,
or even imagine you had to live this same life hundreds of times, what would you do different?now do that.
Kalina, your intent and courage is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I hope you're able to draw boundaries around the suffering other people project onto you. Wishing you peace and calm clarity. Lots of love, sister.
Amazing how she learnt such a valuable lesson so young. It took having a stroke to teach me the same thing. Very wise and valuable young woman continue on your amazing path
I have come to believe that small talk is important, and has developed into our methods of communication for a reason. I think it is a useful tool in dialogue to see where someone is at before diving into such deep questions, like what kind of mood they're in or what kind of day they're having. Without opening them with some easy small talk there is a good chance they might not want to deal with the bigger questions, especially if they don't know you. I think many of us do struggle with moving the conversation beyond small talk though, which is where having this list of go-to questions could be helpful.
What if small talk is keeping me from engaging in big talk?
@@downsjmmyjones101 Why are you blaming the small talk for preventing you? Who constructs the talk? What actions can a 'small talk' do to hinder the big talk?
I've heard it said that there's no such thing as small talk. There's only being interested in people or not being interested.
"What do you want to do before you die?"
And DFTBA written right above it. Nerdfighters are everywhere.
+Jade I saw that! Great stuff #DFTBA
How to connect with anyone instantly :
- be a girl
- be beautiful
- be slim
- have a sexy voice
- say "hi"
Yoann Morais no a good lookin man had the same effect on people. That's how pretty boys dominate in business
if a good looking man don't have the balls to "put himself out there" he might as well be ugly.
the point is, men have to go talk to women, while women just have to wait and be pretty. (and ultimately chose among a long list)
just look at dating apps like tinder. men like everyone in hopes of finding someone, anyone who will like them back, while women instantly match with the few they decide to like. A virtual depiction of sad but real situation
men are now socially inferior and small/big talk aren't going to help that
Yoann Morais a girl who is shy comes across as awkward. Even if she is pretty she will make others uncomfortable. It still goes both ways. Of course online you can put whatever photo of yourself you want but this video is about connecting with real people. Men are not socially inferior. All statistical analysis shows that you're incorrect. And people liking your photos online is not the measuring stick that people use to rate that...
i'd like you to show me some statistical analysis because mine (since i am a men) among a group / population of roughly 50 men who all agree that women have easier times meeting strangers at bars or whatever and that these men roughly never get approached by any women (at least 75% of them never were approach by women and had to make the first step all their lives)
again the times when i hung out with girls, all they had to do was spot a group of men who ordered some shots, look at them, get invited, say hi and get offered drinks that they then brought to me
never saw any group of women invite a men to drink some shots after looking at them
Yoann Morais you can go to pubmed and find the studies related to psych. I go based off research, not friends' opinions though I find opinions tend to match the data. Your experience does not mean it is the experience for most. Particularly because you are in a position of extreme bias. Personally, as a female with female friends, I can detail many anecdotes that counter your argument but I don't have time for that. It's always best to defer to published research. If pubmed is too advanced for you a simple google scholar search will show you some or even psychology today website will lead you in the right direction
Not many 16 year olds watch ted talks like me , but teenagers will learn so much aboht life if they watch videos like these. The best ted talk ive ever watched
She invented deep conversation.
Millenial discovered deep conversation and called it "Big Talk" :D