Great line about people want the date first then the connection. Very true. I've been reversing that and it's worked. As well as I take the time to READ a woman's profile and find interesting things to have a conversation. Texting is DEATH when getting to know someone. If that woman doesn't want to talk it's a red flag for me. Overall, GREAT TedTalk!
I do love this speech. It gives us a concept that there could be a better form of online dating. I had several online dating experiences and some of them didn't feel very well. Next time I may try his idea of slowing down and have a better online dating.
"Women want to be cherished; men want to be needed." If men and women really understood this then a lot of misinformation and innuendo would be ignored.
+Christine Wilson I'm a guy and I would say that both men and women want to feel desired, appreciated and cherished. That's human nature. I can't speak for other men, but I personally don't want to feel needed.
nfcoard I agree with most everything you said. Still, I think men really want to be needed as a part of them wants to protect those they love. That is a need. Yet, many women deny this by saying, "No, I don't NEED protecting" (as a way for them to exert their independence from men's control) and still will want that "support" when warranted. Its a fallacy to think women are truly independent of men (in cases of employment where they CAN do the same job as men) but neither is truly independent of the other because BOTH fulfill the "gaps" each gender has.
Christine Wilson But women want to protect those they love too. And probably just as much as men. And everybody wants to feel safe, secure and supported. I would say that men and women have a desire for others to want their help. That's fulfilling our desire to make meaningful contributions to others. It gives us a sense of purpose and meaningfulness to our lives. With regards to the independent issue, I think most humans need help from each other. It's the rare person that can just live by themselves without needing help from someone else. I think this is called interdependence.
+nfcoard Agreed. I'm a girl, and I think when guys feel needed, they feel smothered. I think that when they feel appreciated for what they do, things work much better. Same thing for women. I don't want a "needy" guy and I don't want a guy to take care of me. I do want someone who appreciates all I do and shows that appreciation. Showing love and affection is needed no matter what gender you are.
I've only ever half heartedly tried tinder a few times, but for me I just cant bring myself to want to text with anyone cause I always find it to be extremely forced. Something about text conversations is just so tiring to me and I always feel like everyone including myself is being fake in order to come across as likable
Have you tried just being yourself? That's what I do. If a woman doesn't like me when I'm being myself, then we're obviously not a good fit, so I wouldn't want to date her anyway. If you're always putting on an act when you use dating apps, then you're always going to attract the wrong men.
@@gordongekko2781 I text differently depending on who I'm talking to so its really hard for me to even know what being myself would even mean in that context LOL, but that's definitely a me problem and not a tinder problem
@@jasminem812 For the most part it probably doesn't matter if you change up your delivery stylistically as long as you don't misrepresent yourself and your views. Tinder is the worst (unless you're just looking for a hookup). OkCupid is a bit better -- at least it has compatibility questions to help you weed out bad matches. I haven't tried Bumble or Hinge yet. Have you tried anything other than Tinder? I'd be curious to know what the other platforms are like.
Absolutely love this video. I sort of have a the same mind set for online dating already. I typically would like to talk online for at least a couple days and then talk on the phone. If things go well, I'd would be open to meeting in person.
I love this guy, he is so much more optimistic than I am. When he says let’s sympathise with these guys, I automatically think of the really bad guys the serious tricksters and creeps, the harassers, power egos and rapists. So glad that they’re not the majority and guys like Evan exist!
Very good points made in this video. There is a lot of confidence required in this that you would need, because you have to expose yourself to the fullest. A lot of guys don't think of this.
I feel like there are so many negative connotations with online dating that we, as humans, are often subconsciously primed to think that people who go on these sites are only looking for something "casual" or just a hook up. However, i know couples who have been successful at finding and fostering a long term relationship via online dating. My point is why not be open minded to an opportunity to connect with other people ? Why are we so fast to write people off by reading the first few things about them? I understand the concept about having standards and having high standards are wonderful but don't limit opportunities to meet others. You'll never know how much a stranger can impact your life. (:
I date online, and have been for years. Guess what? Most people I message ignore me too (and I read profiles, write unique short messages, and am genuine). I get TONS of messages from men, and I ignore most of them for exactly the reasons he mentions. 99% of guys send: generic copy/paste, "hi", or some variation of "you're sexy/nice curves", OR they just ask for sex, and almost none of them read my profile. My thinking is if you can't even be bothered to learn a bit of info about me, you're not worth my time, and you're playing a numbers game (which no, does not work). The assumption that women are only interested in your car/job/money OR that we never message first is bullshit. I am guessing that guys who think/experience that are seeking trophy women to enhance their images, and are the ones playing numbers games. There are a million awesome women, but y'all want "the most attractive woman", so everyone loses.
1. My point was "here's why I ignore 90% of the guys who message me, and this also happens to women" not "I don't get dates and I need advice on getting a man from random strangers". My dating life is good, despite the bullshit inherent in online dating and shitty attitudes like the one above. 2. Insecure, angry bullies aren't really my type. so... my heart's good, thanks! I'll just stick with going on fun dates with hot, intelligent dudes (including non-racist white dudes), and not let the comments on youtube dictate my reality or self-esteem. 3. Good luck with the whole hating women thing, though "lope". It's TOTALLY not obvious, like at all. 4. I hate to tell you Chez, men Of Colour have a lot of the same issues, prejudices, and negatives as white men, and make all of the mistakes I mention above (and as such, get ignored). 5. I am FAT, and yes, white men (including very handsome ones) do date me. 6. And to all of the "ugly ass" women out there: YAY, you're safe from "lope"
+Jess Gillis to be fair, most girls dont have jax on their profile. mostly just a bunch of smiley, or some lame ass movieline. but they have 3 different pics of them in bikinis... I usually just wait till someone gives me a like and then Ill give it a try. btw I did date someone one, but she told me that she uses the dating site just for well... gratification and attention. idk why you get ignored, that's odd. I rarely get messages, so I can't really tell you.
These are the bitter ones that can't get dates. They haven't realized yet it's because of their own entitlement behaviors that shine through in their writing (or copy and pasting)....and then they wonder why it doesn't work!
He has a weird vibe, and his advice column has a weird vibe too. Maybe partly because of the salesman deal. His photoshopped picture on his site to disguise the fact that he's 50 years old doesn't help matters. Maybe also because I think he's mostly meant to be a coach for a very specific clientele, Baby Boomer women trying to get back out there, but then he tries to apply his advice to a younger audience and it doesn't work.
Thank you so much for presenting this information. I have been watching Ted talks on online dating and dating websites publications on their data, but nothing was explaining how I felt as a female and why hoards of men were doing things that were obviously moronic from my perspective.
There are 2 lessons learned here: 1. Figure out what the other guys are doing the same and do something that raises from it (like the opposite). 2. Learn to do good conversation cause a date or relationship without good conversation will die early or be a pain in the ass really long.
Thomas I agree with you on your second point but your first point makes it looks like we ladies are a kind of game you need some special strategies for ...
I once had a really funny debate with a friend over what women want--- according to him, women want bad boys, not nice guys like himself. I assured him that's not the case--- with all women, anyway. Then I asked him, "well, who are these women you are reaching out to????" And then it hit me, much like the women he criticized for being superficial, he was going around looking for the woman with the biggest boobs, biggest ass, biggest lips, smallest waist, etc, etc, etc. He wasn't looking at their personality, he was looking at their looks, lol!!! And then he felt depressed when these "superficial" women with top model looks didn't give him the time of the day..... Shm. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is, men, with all due sincerity, are you approaching the right sort of women??? Maybe a woman's rejection or interest should be indicative of how superficial/sincere YOU really are.
Very well said. Men look at the physical side, beautiful women know it and some use it. A lot of men's lives would change if they look for substance over beauty.
+Ann Korn, you're giving women, much, much, much too much credit. Women only do that when there aren't enough men to go around. When there are plenty of men to go around, they engage in basically the same shallow shenanigans that men do. The only reason for the perception that they don't is that up until the invention of various means of pregnancy prevention, they were largely choosing between being a single mother and having sex or getting married to the best guy possible. To be fair, men behave like bastards whenever the number of available women is larger than the number of competitors. But, this business about women not being shallow is a crock. Women are at least as shallow as men are.
I would meet a girl, shake her hand, laugh about whatever, ask her to do this some time later, call her that week(No texting), chat a few about the upcoming event, show up with a flower(not a bouquet), tell her She looks beautiful, go in my ride and go from there. Thats without todays bullshit.
With genuine messages, a woman has enough information to sort in the responses that she can connect with. When most of the meassages are one word, or a few nothing words, or an obvious form letter, delete.
ok i met my very first date like the "old way". we met on a party talked, found each other interesting. we met a couple of times after that (not dates, just hanging out in the city center. we are 16). i asked her out and we are going on a date in a week from now. i cant wait!
Might have given his advice a shot, but I'm just tired. In this age of hookup culture, no one seems to want relationships just sex.. It's all about Tinder now and I just can't compete. Not judging. Everyone is at different stages in life. But I think online dating these days is a waste of time. I find I meet better quality men in real life by joining activity groups. Ok no one has stuck yet LOL but |I'm hopeful!
grassinigrassini I agree that physical attraction is very important. But a relationship based on just sex isn't much of one. And hookups/Tinder and similar apps tout sex-based "relationships" that very rarely lead to anything meaningful.
i know a lot of people who met their significant other through tinder,some even are getting married or at least living together, so i suppose you just gotta invest in the better conversations,i'm quite unskilled though lol
I had never seen this TedTalk, but his advice works. Exactly what he described is how I viewed things and how I approached my online dating. I had a few boyfriends and met my husband there too. I was awful at first, but you learn from your mistakes and adjust your approach. The adjustment worked. I was in complete control of the pace, as well as being able to determine successfully outcome expectancy (differentiate guys to have fun with vs relationship material). If you know what to expect, there aren’t surprises and you’ll be content with the outcome, because you knew where it was going. That or you can just not go out with that guy because that outcome isn’t what you’re looking for. But I think the key point is not wanting immediate reward that you accept a date just for need of gratification. That’s how you end up in bad dates. I know I did.
I can get one word answers from my teenage children, I find it infuriating when I message a man and he responds with one word (or even a short phrase) and no conversation or questions. It' so common!!!
Umm jokingly pick on her, lots of things, look at her pictures and bio and say something that makes her defend it. Cause then she's trying to let you know she's worth it. Don't sell your self makes you seem desperate, don't compliment her she already knows she's hot. She wants to know you're worth something, not that she's worth something. She knows that already. But I think most important is don't be outcome dependent. It goes wrong or she doesn't message back. Move on. Not a big deal there's a hundred more.
Henry Petty If i was doing online dating I would look up rsd. they do in depth how to stand out etc. as well as (mostly) irl stuff. I wouldn't look anywhere else for dating advice.
I find this interesting. I think it gives you some tools to use when you are online dating. I have friends that have met their spouses online. So I'm still hopeful. I do find that I have better experiences meeting people in person. It is good to have some tools though. I recently signed up for a dating site just to give it another try.
As a 71 YO woman whos dated for almost 40 years inbetween some long relationships, I can attest to everything this young man says. And I DO wish men would figure it out!
This is definitely advice for people older than millennial age. We don't have personal interactions over emails. I'd be pretty weirded out if a guy asked for my email address as a way to communicate to be honest.
He claims he had a very different experience and yet he went through 300 dates. Good thing he's building a career out of it, because otherwise it would have been such a waste of time.
TBH, if you've gone on 300 dates and you haven't met somebody worth committing to permanently, you're doing something wrong. That being said, the women around here are so spoiled that if you aren't making 6 figures, those are probably 300 dates with 300 different messed up women that don't mind wasting a guys time because they know they'll get a response when they send one.
Instead of online "dating," get out and do things you like, and meet people there. You will find people in your area that share at least one of your interests, have time for recreation at the same time as you do, and you'll meet them in person without extra planning or spending extra $.
Ah now I understand why I have failed. I do not like phone calls. As someone who works in technical customer service I really do not like to call people out of my job hours, which is why I love email, texting and meeting people. I guess I'll have to get over it and call someone.
This guy's solution to being ignored is to be inquisitive. He's not the only one that's spent years online dating and experimenting with different tactics. I too have viewed women's inboxes. Yes, bring inquisitive will stand out. No, being inquisitive will not get you more responses. Women are looking at other things first. Your appearance, your occupation/income, weather or not you have a car, etc. They're looking at your various assets before responding, not who you are or what you say.
Women want men with assets. www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2619439/What-women-men-REALLY-want-survey-shows-men-care-looks-women-need-partner-rich-ambitious.html Listen to then admitting as much. www.quora.com/Do-women-really-care-about-how-much-money-a-guy-makes-or-are-they-looking-for-stability Fact.
+Logan Broliath Indeed. I have a friend who knows quite a few upper middle-class men and he knows of THREE cases in which poor but good-looking women were probably on the hunt for them. Since after just a brief period of time, they pulled the old "oops, must've forgotten to take my birth control pills". Witnessing this was enough for him to stay single for many years and enough for me (well, I also know of two more cases) to make me want to have a vasectomy. If it wasn't for post-vasectomy pain syndrome...
Either you're doing something wrong, or you're living some place like NYC where there are too many women for the number of men available. Around here, there are so many men and so few women that men don't have the option of doing that. If a guy does that to a woman around here, she usually has other options pop up almost immediately. And they're usually good choices.
As a general rule of thumb, if someone moves on as if they were never talking to you in the first place, they're not someone you want to date (and they will probably play a whole bunch of strangers and wonder why they can't ever find someone substantial). I will usually pick one guy who doesn't have any visible red flags, and talk to him until... the red flags start popping up like wildfire. I have yet to get past that point. I realize I might have better luck if I tried more often but with Asperger's, it's exhausting.
It amazes that that it isn't obvious, but we all want to be liked/ loved for who we are as a person.(Not for our money or looks, etc.) SO, guys, you can stand out by showing her you're attracted to her for who she seems to be as a PERSON not just for her looks! It's the same when women are only interested in a man because of his money not because who he might be as a person. So when you write her, refer to something you read in her profile and let her know that this is what made her interesting/attractive to you. Like "What you wrote about this and that really resonates with me, because .." or "Hey, I like your humor/what you wrote about bla bla , because..." Don't make the mistake to talk just about yourself! This is boring and completely worthless if she doesn't get the feeling that you're attracted to her for MORE than just her looks.
Linda B So true-! Guys don't seem to realize that sex/looks is to women as money is to men. A translational equivalent of a lot of the messages women receive would be: "hey handsome, wow, you've got one of the nicest cars I've ever seen. Do you like to eat out? ;-) I like eating out--a lot. Lol. Filet mignon is my favorite. God, you're not a vegetarian are you? The bulge in your pants really caught my eye Do you always carry that much cash around?"
+Linda B So true what you wrote Linda. Just read all the comments here and it so obvious how disappointed mos men feel about online dating. The thing is they do not learn from the experience of this guy who is telling them how to have better dates. They seems to prefer vent they anger about bad datings instead of learn how to behave with women and how to be real and open to the posibility of suceed. Exactly the kind of men i would avoid dating
+Come On Cupid bit easy to put all the responsibility on the men. It's not because women have more options that they shouldn't put in equal effort. Male friends who do write considerate first messages tell me they often don't get a reply. It must be very frustrating. They should at least get a chance to build a conversation.
+Linda B When many women's profiles consist of little more than "Just ask" with a First Date of "Impress me" what would you expect a guy with his stuff together to respond with? They don't. I'm not going to "Impress" a woman who has to use OLD considering the heavy male gender imbalance.
***** So, refering to my above mentioned analogy, you would be fine, if women contacted you saying "Hey, I like the fact that you are so rich and your expensive watch and car look so pretty! Do you like to meet me?"? You can lose your money and she can (and will once she gets older) lose her looks. The only thing that stays is the personality. And though you're right that one can not know anything of substance, the other one should at least show that they are attracted to what might SEEM ones substance or personality. You can feel attracted to a woman's body without seeing it completely naked, because you imagine how it might look naked and that's what draws you. Likewise you might not see her whole personality but might imagine how she is, by seeing small hints. For example when she has certain things written in her profile, that shows what types of books she reads, what kind of hobbies she has, what type of humor she has, etc. Most men are not interested in reading the profile of women because they are not interested in their minds, which is sad..
This works although the email bit has been replaced by texting for me but I make it clear (in a sweet kind way) that I just use texting for logistics and in order to set up a date there's gotta be an actual phone call.
Consumer Affairs just published an article about the proliferation of scammers on dating web sites. Dr. Phil has also had a show about the same thing. So comparing online dating to a gym is stupid. Gyms have brick and mortar locations to which people can go in order to pursue fitness. Smaller towns like the one in which I currently live have no dating services with physical locations. Big cities like Chicago and Seattle often have such dating services that are not exclusively online. But I spent 19 years living in Chicago --- so I know that big cities have other drawbacks. High cost of living is one of those drawbacks. Gang violence, at least in Chicago, is another.
None of these points matter if no one ever talks to you. I've reached out to tons of women on my dating site with my only expectation being the acknowledgment of a simple reply. I'm always honest and polite, and I put effort into my profile and messages (as much as is possible without being excessive). But in over six months, nothing. So how are you supposed to have that "nice conversation at the party" if they won't even let you set foot in the door, let alone look at you?
what dating site are you on? maybe that has something to do with it? or perhaps the certain type of women you are drawn to and sending messages are a specific personality. most likely women you wouldn't want to date anyway! it's there loss, keep your chin up and I believe when you least expect it you will find somebody great for you!
bobthebonboncat It's eharmony. I'm sure it has a lot more to do with myself and/or the system than it does with them. But I send messages to various types of women, even some I'm not really sure about, and it's always the same thing. All they do is push me aside to find someone better, which, trust me, wouldn't be hard. It's the same for me outside of online dating as well. So I think the point still stands. You can't really use this advice if no one gives you the chance.
crapmunky99 Online dating is also very objectified. It doesn't truly allow you to experience a person's personality. Average looking guys has to put way more effort in building their profile. I am not sure what to say about online dating, but I think its less likely for a man to start off as a friend since they have already agreed they like each other.
crapmunky99 Crapmunky, sorry to hear your lack of success on-line. From my own experience as a woman, I can relate to what this guy is saying and so many guys just had one line emails of either "hi how are you" or "your beautiful" (spelling mistake included). If you actually read a woman's profile and comment on something that caught your eye in her profile, I think you're way ahead of most men. Just try targeting women who are similar age and body type/weight as you. Personally I gave up on online dating :/
The only problem I had was the phone call. When I first started online dating and would be talking to girls via the online app, I'd ask to call them sometime...all of them ghosted on me. Come to find out most women find the concept of a guy calling them to be creepy. This part I feel is on the women. Please lighten up about that. Texting is absolutely horrible, let's go back to the phone call - so much better. I hope more women watch this video and be like, "Hmm, ya maybe phone calls are a good thing". =)
i would agree. phone calls do come across more intimate now. you have to take time out of your day to talk - in the middle of everything - someone talking in your ear and not physically there. i had a guy call me randomly after texting (didn't even give me fair warning he was going to call) at 9am on a Saturday... and was very awkward in the conversation. I am no longer speaking to him.
Well the guy calling out of nowhere is a breach of basic etiquette more so than a call being inherently intimate. If you were texted at random by someone when it was not expected or implied that you were accepting of random texts it would be much the same result I would imagine. any form of more immediate contact without consent is a breach of socially accepted norm, so yeah I don't blame you for not contacting the guy again, but I also feel its a false comparison to attribute the concept of the phone call as inherently more intimate when really its bad behavior and habits of the caller that make it awkward.
I appreciate reading many of the comments below and am not surprised that most are still not having great luck even following the video & 2-2-2 suggestion. I have to agree that my results have varied. To share: 1) I'm prob a 7-8-9 (got a 9.4 on hotornot once,), active, stereotypical thin white guy, but don't have great recent pics. This hurts me big time I know. I'm just not into selfies or "stop, take a pic of me" all the time. I need to improve and better document good times out. 2) I need to actively send out more messages. Flat out. I'm busy and don't like to juggle several people online at once, so in fear of missing opportunities, I limit them. I need to get over that and put in more effort in sending more than a few messages at once. 3) Getting to a ph. call within 3-5 messages or a few days IS important. A phone call IS MUCH better for feeling each other out. I feel most of us can shine over the phone & in person > messages. What he says about texting is spot on; it's VERY unclear when trying to joke or flirt or communicate interests and passions on topics. I want to see quick wit in a funny quick response, not hours of contemplated & rewritten replies. I spent several weeks messaging a really beautiful blonde recently only to find out in 30 minute call that she was superficial, lived with her parents, had several tiny poodles yet treated her dogs poorly. She was initially very assuming of me being "just another internet guy" and strongly on the defense. After laughing and chatting a bit she wanted me to call back, but I got my answers and am glad I saved myself from myself and a shiny object that would have been poison (she likely would've ordered lobster and fed the leftovers to her dogs). Some will have their defenses up heavily and take longer to contact. That's okay. I decided to put in time there and it still didn't work out like I'd hoped. That's okay. If I pushed harder I never would have gotten a #. Not everybody is the same. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes bad. No regrets either way. I agree with most of you that the WORST is not hearing back. Then we don't know. I assume it's that I didn't seem attractive somehow. That's why I don't respond to most of the few messages I receive randomly - simply not attracted to her. It's hard to both like each other. Soooo 4) If things aren't working - CHANGE something! My profile while personal, quirky, and funny (to me at least, so if she likes it she must be cool and if not - well, she's not right for me, right)...I am changing it frequently now. 5) I'm quitting with the dating site functions of "liking" somebody without messaging them a'la Tinder. They usually view my profile after I like them, but gals move on. So, something isn't working there. Pics & profile gotta improve as does my messaging effort. Ironically, the blonde above liked me but I decided to not "like" her back until after we spoke, not just messaged. We don't have to be hard on ourselves, but should be honest with the nuts & bolts of our approaches, which is the point of this video. Nothing will work for every prospect, but this video seems on point and helped me realize a few improvements needed.
I agree with most of his points. However, I've had bad experiences with the phone call where the girl may set up a date on the phone then flakes out or the woman is very picky on the phone and asks interview type questions. I actually do better exchanging 3-5 messages, then just asking her out.
"we want online dating to feel like real life dating cause it feels good"...well here goes a crazy thought, why not just go back to real life dating for gods sakes?!
ok you've spent about 13 minutes telling us what guys are doing wrong fine but give an example of what message should we inbox them to get their attention
Awesome talk Evan - I couldn't agree with you more. Internet dating can be fun and exciting when you know how. We've become so accustomed to immediate gratification that we've lost the art of getting to know someone at a pace that creates trust and bonding. This video should be a prerequisite to dating on and off line.
The writer Margaret Atwood had something interesting to say about male/female relationship fears: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." Sounds extreme, but essentially true: Men are afraid women will either reject them, or lie to them in some way. But a smart woman's first priority will be to ensure she feels safe going out to meet a man she's never met before, so gentlemen, if you want to actually behave as gentlemen, and end up dating a woman of quality, follow Evan's advice: exchange messages on the dating site -- and if the site offers a 'video date' option, let that be Step 2 (you both still retain you personal info). If the video date goes well, you can swap external contact info, or arrange a meet-up from the video date. At that point, exchange phone numbers, just in case there's a last minute emergency, and you can't make the date. Good luck out there!
Some great points. So true guys try and expedite the communication process. As soon as we make contact RSVP messaging the first message often includes their number and I'm thinking I'd actually like to exchange a few emails and get more of a feel for the guy before swapping no.s and texting. Texting to me while dating about making plans and arrangements, so to immediately send your text no. through, excellerates things and makes me feel rushed and unsure about dating the person. Had a guy do the one email thing, swapped no.s, two texts and then he phones me, didn't ask if I was free and went on for 20 mins about past relationships and shared way to much information that made me think this guy is so insecure. He ended saying you sound very pleasant, we should get a dacquari or a coffee sometime, I'll think of something over the weekend and organise something, that was four weeks ago ...dodged a bullet there, lol...
I found this video really helpful! As a fairly attractive woman who has been online dating for a few months, and been meeting a mixture of nice guys and complete idiots (lol) this will help me slow it down and screen better with a couple of phone chats before actually meeting. I would like to say to guys - I'm a nice person with plenty of interests and a brain in my head - women like me DO read profiles and look for things in common before initiating an email to say hi. Maybe a lot of guys are just messaging lots of women without really being interested in getting to know her??
Being in college, I find the 2/2/2 rule a little harder because most college students do not use email to contact each other. I'm just wondering if there is a possible alternative to this for younger adults that are not working and that don't use email as a result.
College I agree, sometimes can be a very hard environment to date because most people it seems, are not professional enough. I am speaking from experience but I think it can still work
I'm confused. In the beginning, he said that people who spend too much time writing their emails and making them too long get ignored because people don't have the time to read so much, but then 10 minutes later he says that you should spend more time writing the emails and make them longer to get results.
He is talking about the very first email when you present yourself to somebody new should be short.When there is an established communication with someone you are dating or looking into dating, that is when emails should get longer.
love that he's into phone calling - old school - TEXTING IS KILLING DATING
Great line about people want the date first then the connection. Very true. I've been reversing that and it's worked. As well as I take the time to READ a woman's profile and find interesting things to have a conversation. Texting is DEATH when getting to know someone. If that woman doesn't want to talk it's a red flag for me. Overall, GREAT TedTalk!
I do love this speech. It gives us a concept that there could be a better form of online dating. I had several online dating experiences and some of them didn't feel very well. Next time I may try his idea of slowing down and have a better online dating.
Growing up, my parents were either working or drinking. I had to move around, clean up, I never got to learn these lessons. Thank you.
Now if I could only get someone to message me back in the first place...
Great tips, great talk. On line dating can be dreary, suddenly after listening to him, I see hope.
"Women want to be cherished; men want to be needed." If men and women really understood this then a lot of misinformation and innuendo would be ignored.
+Christine Wilson I'm a guy and I would say that both men and women want to feel desired, appreciated and cherished. That's human nature. I can't speak for other men, but I personally don't want to feel needed.
nfcoard I agree with most everything you said. Still, I think men really want to be needed as a part of them wants to protect those they love. That is a need. Yet, many women deny this by saying, "No, I don't NEED protecting" (as a way for them to exert their independence from men's control) and still will want that "support" when warranted. Its a fallacy to think women are truly independent of men (in cases of employment where they CAN do the same job as men) but neither is truly independent of the other because BOTH fulfill the "gaps" each gender has.
Christine Wilson But women want to protect those they love too. And probably just as much as men. And everybody wants to feel safe, secure and supported. I would say that men and women have a desire for others to want their help. That's fulfilling our desire to make meaningful contributions to others. It gives us a sense of purpose and meaningfulness to our lives. With regards to the independent issue, I think most humans need help from each other. It's the rare person that can just live by themselves without needing help from someone else. I think this is called interdependence.
+nfcoard OK..we dont need you!
+nfcoard Agreed. I'm a girl, and I think when guys feel needed, they feel smothered. I think that when they feel appreciated for what they do, things work much better. Same thing for women. I don't want a "needy" guy and I don't want a guy to take care of me. I do want someone who appreciates all I do and shows that appreciation. Showing love and affection is needed no matter what gender you are.
I've only ever half heartedly tried tinder a few times, but for me I just cant bring myself to want to text with anyone cause I always find it to be extremely forced. Something about text conversations is just so tiring to me and I always feel like everyone including myself is being fake in order to come across as likable
Jasmine M You’re so right.
mind numbing, your right
Have you tried just being yourself? That's what I do. If a woman doesn't like me when I'm being myself, then we're obviously not a good fit, so I wouldn't want to date her anyway. If you're always putting on an act when you use dating apps, then you're always going to attract the wrong men.
@@gordongekko2781 I text differently depending on who I'm talking to so its really hard for me to even know what being myself would even mean in that context LOL, but that's definitely a me problem and not a tinder problem
@@jasminem812 For the most part it probably doesn't matter if you change up your delivery stylistically as long as you don't misrepresent yourself and your views.
Tinder is the worst (unless you're just looking for a hookup). OkCupid is a bit better -- at least it has compatibility questions to help you weed out bad matches. I haven't tried Bumble or Hinge yet. Have you tried anything other than Tinder? I'd be curious to know what the other platforms are like.
Absolutely love this video. I sort of have a the same mind set for online dating already. I typically would like to talk online for at least a couple days and then talk on the phone. If things go well, I'd would be open to meeting in person.
I love this guy, he is so much more optimistic than I am. When he says let’s sympathise with these guys, I automatically think of the really bad guys the serious tricksters and creeps, the harassers, power egos and rapists.
So glad that they’re not the majority and guys like Evan exist!
Very good points made in this video. There is a lot of confidence required in this that you would need, because you have to expose yourself to the fullest. A lot of guys don't think of this.
Very insightful. To be watched again and again...
I feel like there are so many negative connotations with online dating that we, as humans, are often subconsciously primed to think that people who go on these sites are only looking for something "casual" or just a hook up. However, i know couples who have been successful at finding and fostering a long term relationship via online dating. My point is why not be open minded to an opportunity to connect with other people ? Why are we so fast to write people off by reading the first few things about them? I understand the concept about having standards and having high standards are wonderful but don't limit opportunities to meet others. You'll never know how much a stranger can impact your life. (:
I love it Evan! The 2 2 2 makes sense. Great talk!
I think this was very good advise very useful thanks for posting it!!
I date online, and have been for years. Guess what? Most people I message ignore me too (and I read profiles, write unique short messages, and am genuine). I get TONS of messages from men, and I ignore most of them for exactly the reasons he mentions. 99% of guys send: generic copy/paste, "hi", or some variation of "you're sexy/nice curves", OR they just ask for sex, and almost none of them read my profile. My thinking is if you can't even be bothered to learn a bit of info about me, you're not worth my time, and you're playing a numbers game (which no, does not work).
The assumption that women are only interested in your car/job/money OR that we never message first is bullshit. I am guessing that guys who think/experience that are seeking trophy women to enhance their images, and are the ones playing numbers games.
There are a million awesome women, but y'all want "the most attractive woman", so everyone loses.
Jess Gillis Yes, I want to bang a 9 or a 10.
If I can't get it for "free", I will and do pay.
I'm not fucking ugly ass woman. Sorry.
1. My point was "here's why I ignore 90% of the guys who message me, and this also happens to women" not "I don't get dates and I need advice on getting a man from random strangers". My dating life is good, despite the bullshit inherent in online dating and shitty attitudes like the one above.
2. Insecure, angry bullies aren't really my type. so... my heart's good, thanks! I'll just stick with going on fun dates with hot, intelligent dudes (including non-racist white dudes), and not let the comments on youtube dictate my reality or self-esteem.
3. Good luck with the whole hating women thing, though "lope". It's TOTALLY not obvious, like at all.
4. I hate to tell you Chez, men Of Colour have a lot of the same issues, prejudices, and negatives as white men, and make all of the mistakes I mention above (and as such, get ignored).
5. I am FAT, and yes, white men (including very handsome ones) do date me.
6. And to all of the "ugly ass" women out there: YAY, you're safe from "lope"
Chez Jimenez My suggestion is you not make assumptions. I date all kinds of men. They all make the same mistakes in online dating.
Chez Jimenez I would def. not mess with machine gun Jesus.
+Jess Gillis to be fair, most girls dont have jax on their profile. mostly just a bunch of smiley, or some lame ass movieline. but they have 3 different pics of them in bikinis... I usually just wait till someone gives me a like and then Ill give it a try.
btw I did date someone one, but she told me that she uses the dating site just for well... gratification and attention.
idk why you get ignored, that's odd. I rarely get messages, so I can't really tell you.
This is hilarious to me that most of the comments are so negative. Practically everything this guy said is good advice.
These are the bitter ones that can't get dates. They haven't realized yet it's because of their own entitlement behaviors that shine through in their writing (or copy and pasting)....and then they wonder why it doesn't work!
He has a weird vibe, and his advice column has a weird vibe too. Maybe partly because of the salesman deal. His photoshopped picture on his site to disguise the fact that he's 50 years old doesn't help matters. Maybe also because I think he's mostly meant to be a coach for a very specific clientele, Baby Boomer women trying to get back out there, but then he tries to apply his advice to a younger audience and it doesn't work.
Brillant! I have lived this and have the same solution he does.
Thank you so much for presenting this information. I have been watching Ted talks on online dating and dating websites publications on their data, but nothing was explaining how I felt as a female and why hoards of men were doing things that were obviously moronic from my perspective.
This is great advice. Taking note. Thanks,
Very practical advice. I love this guy.
Excellent video and very sound advice.
This has *almost* convinced me to try it again.
There are 2 lessons learned here:
1. Figure out what the other guys are doing the same and do something that raises from it (like the opposite).
2. Learn to do good conversation cause a date or relationship without good conversation will die early or be a pain in the ass really long.
Thomas I agree with you on your second point but your first point makes it looks like we ladies are a kind of game you need some special strategies for ...
Great talk, great advice will give it a try.
I want to be cherished, adorned, shown an unconditional love because I deserve it...
I once had a really funny debate with a friend over what women want--- according to him, women want bad boys, not nice guys like himself. I assured him that's not the case--- with all women, anyway. Then I asked him, "well, who are these women you are reaching out to????" And then it hit me, much like the women he criticized for being superficial, he was going around looking for the woman with the biggest boobs, biggest ass, biggest lips, smallest waist, etc, etc, etc. He wasn't looking at their personality, he was looking at their looks, lol!!! And then he felt depressed when these "superficial" women with top model looks didn't give him the time of the day..... Shm. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is, men, with all due sincerity, are you approaching the right sort of women??? Maybe a woman's rejection or interest should be indicative of how superficial/sincere YOU really are.
Very well said. Men look at the physical side, beautiful women know it and some use it. A lot of men's lives would change if they look for substance over beauty.
Guadalupe TB
I only bang 9s and 10s.
E$corts are the best.
123lowp You get what you pay for, I suppose
+Ann Korn, you're giving women, much, much, much too much credit. Women only do that when there aren't enough men to go around. When there are plenty of men to go around, they engage in basically the same shallow shenanigans that men do. The only reason for the perception that they don't is that up until the invention of various means of pregnancy prevention, they were largely choosing between being a single mother and having sex or getting married to the best guy possible.
To be fair, men behave like bastards whenever the number of available women is larger than the number of competitors.
But, this business about women not being shallow is a crock. Women are at least as shallow as men are.
Marriage is one of best gifts here on this earth!
I would meet a girl, shake her hand, laugh about whatever, ask her to do this some time later, call her that week(No texting), chat a few about the upcoming event, show up with a flower(not a bouquet), tell her She looks beautiful, go in my ride and go from there. Thats without todays bullshit.
Did you get lucky?
Recommend calling her the next day, buddy. lol
New problem: hot girl now has the same amount of messages, but they are all genuine.
With genuine messages, a woman has enough information to sort in the responses that she can connect with. When most of the meassages are one word, or a few nothing words, or an obvious form letter, delete.
ok i met my very first date like the "old way". we met on a party talked, found each other interesting. we met a couple of times after that (not dates, just hanging out in the city center. we are 16). i asked her out and we are going on a date in a week from now. i cant wait!
Might have given his advice a shot, but I'm just tired. In this age of hookup culture, no one seems to want relationships just sex.. It's all about Tinder now and I just can't compete. Not judging. Everyone is at different stages in life. But I think online dating these days is a waste of time. I find I meet better quality men in real life by joining activity groups. Ok no one has stuck yet LOL but |I'm hopeful!
relations start with the sex interest
grassinigrassini I agree that physical attraction is very important. But a relationship based on just sex isn't much of one. And hookups/Tinder and similar apps tout sex-based "relationships" that very rarely lead to anything meaningful.
i know a lot of people who met their significant other through tinder,some even are getting married or at least living together, so i suppose you just gotta invest in the better conversations,i'm quite unskilled though lol
grassinigrassini You and me both, lol! Good luck!
I had never seen this TedTalk, but his advice works. Exactly what he described is how I viewed things and how I approached my online dating. I had a few boyfriends and met my husband there too. I was awful at first, but you learn from your mistakes and adjust your approach. The adjustment worked. I was in complete control of the pace, as well as being able to determine successfully outcome expectancy (differentiate guys to have fun with vs relationship material). If you know what to expect, there aren’t surprises and you’ll be content with the outcome, because you knew where it was going. That or you can just not go out with that guy because that outcome isn’t what you’re looking for.
But I think the key point is not wanting immediate reward that you accept a date just for need of gratification. That’s how you end up in bad dates. I know I did.
Great! Thanks!
Honestly, all I needed to hear was this: 11:30. I'm done with online dating, I'll take my chances the old fashioned way.
how did it go?
@@jurgitaleskauskaite1415 Boomers follow a different set of rules
I love the 2 2 2! So great!
I can get one word answers from my teenage children, I find it infuriating when I message a man and he responds with one word (or even a short phrase) and no conversation or questions. It' so common!!!
This still leaves the question of how to stand out amongst those 287 emails in the most attractive girl's inbox...
Glenn Smith WHO says you gotta have the absolutely most attractive girl? How about finding a good match for yourself instead?
Glenn Smith Pretty simple. You saw the bad, boring, complimenting messages? Don't send bad, boring, complimenting messages. That's all they get
Umm jokingly pick on her, lots of things, look at her pictures and bio and say something that makes her defend it. Cause then she's trying to let you know she's worth it. Don't sell your self makes you seem desperate, don't compliment her she already knows she's hot. She wants to know you're worth something, not that she's worth something. She knows that already. But I think most important is don't be outcome dependent. It goes wrong or she doesn't message back. Move on. Not a big deal there's a hundred more.
You want some serious help? You have to have an open mind though
Henry Petty If i was doing online dating I would look up rsd. they do in depth how to stand out etc. as well as (mostly) irl stuff. I wouldn't look anywhere else for dating advice.
Massive thanks Evan❤❤
I find this interesting. I think it gives you some tools to use when you are online dating. I have friends that have met their spouses online. So I'm still hopeful. I do find that I have better experiences meeting people in person. It is good to have some tools though. I recently signed up for a dating site just to give it another try.
This contained very good tips👍🏼
As a 71 YO woman whos dated for almost 40 years inbetween some long relationships, I can attest to everything this young man says. And I DO wish men would figure it out!
Great talk, very interesting. Definitely going to apply the advice. Thank you!
This is definitely advice for people older than millennial age. We don't have personal interactions over emails. I'd be pretty weirded out if a guy asked for my email address as a way to communicate to be honest.
Hahahaha I'd be a little too I think
Sameeee, the younger generations go straight to text or maybe Instagram DM or Snapchat.
Arе Yоu Whаt He's Loоking For? twitter.com/a9c60516d47d92b7a/status/804693412402241537 Nо mоrе bаааd dаtes Evаan Маrc Каtz ТЕЕЕЕDxStJооhns
I just go right to telekinesis.
John Palmer - I'm not sure how that helps you... Are you sure you don't mean telepathy?
More proof that being single is the best.
not at all when you're horny
turbospeed08 You have arms & hands for a reason. ;)
hands don't feel as good as the real thing
Are yоoоu mаking thеse mistаkеs with yyour mаn? twitter.com/380ae3e0665a7c714/status/804693412402241537 No mоre bаd dates Еvan Маaaаrcc Katz ТEDxStJohns
He claims he had a very different experience and yet he went through 300 dates. Good thing he's building a career out of it, because otherwise it would have been such a waste of time.
Is that your real picture? if so, I think you look beautiful
myusernameistaken23 haven't you watched the video ?
we'll bang okay ?
fuck taht's not how it's supposed to work ! goddamit !
TBH, if you've gone on 300 dates and you haven't met somebody worth committing to permanently, you're doing something wrong.
That being said, the women around here are so spoiled that if you aren't making 6 figures, those are probably 300 dates with 300 different messed up women that don't mind wasting a guys time because they know they'll get a response when they send one.
Everyone needs to see this
Instead of online "dating," get out and do things you like, and meet people there. You will find people in your area that share at least one of your interests, have time for recreation at the same time as you do, and you'll meet them in person without extra planning or spending extra $.
Ah now I understand why I have failed. I do not like phone calls. As someone who works in technical customer service I really do not like to call people out of my job hours, which is why I love email, texting and meeting people. I guess I'll have to get over it and call someone.
madestro I don’t care for talking on the phone either, but I can see the logic in it.
Yes, I hate talking on the phone.
@@ashjade86 Me too.
Great information
This guy's solution to being ignored is to be inquisitive. He's not the only one that's spent years online dating and experimenting with different tactics. I too have viewed women's inboxes. Yes, bring inquisitive will stand out. No, being inquisitive will not get you more responses. Women are looking at other things first. Your appearance, your occupation/income, weather or not you have a car, etc. They're looking at your various assets before responding, not who you are or what you say.
Women want men with assets.
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2619439/What-women-men-REALLY-want-survey-shows-men-care-looks-women-need-partner-rich-ambitious.html
Listen to then admitting as much.
www.quora.com/Do-women-really-care-about-how-much-money-a-guy-makes-or-are-they-looking-for-stability
Fact.
I didn't say rich. I said money. Middle class is decent money. The struggling guys, though, the ones of character, are always left at the way side.
Logan Broliath Yes, I guess you're right. I can think of a few counterexamples, but most of the time what you say probably applies.
+Logan Broliath Indeed. I have a friend who knows quite a few upper middle-class men and he knows of THREE cases in which poor but good-looking women were probably on the hunt for them. Since after just a brief period of time, they pulled the old "oops, must've forgotten to take my birth control pills".
Witnessing this was enough for him to stay single for many years and enough for me (well, I also know of two more cases) to make me want to have a vasectomy. If it wasn't for post-vasectomy pain syndrome...
+notthere83 How male of that guy. If you're going to put PinV, you may as well do it right. Babies and child support! No rubbers here!
Really good article!
This doesn't work I'm a girl and guys talk to you for a day and then you don't hear from them again I find it really difficult to get a date
Maybe they're not into you
Either you're doing something wrong, or you're living some place like NYC where there are too many women for the number of men available.
Around here, there are so many men and so few women that men don't have the option of doing that. If a guy does that to a woman around here, she usually has other options pop up almost immediately. And they're usually good choices.
As a general rule of thumb, if someone moves on as if they were never talking to you in the first place, they're not someone you want to date (and they will probably play a whole bunch of strangers and wonder why they can't ever find someone substantial). I will usually pick one guy who doesn't have any visible red flags, and talk to him until... the red flags start popping up like wildfire. I have yet to get past that point. I realize I might have better luck if I tried more often but with Asperger's, it's exhausting.
I has Aspergers too, it gets really frustrating feeling like you are hitting a wall when trying to connect with people.
Not rocket science. We lose interest. If you tend to respond with one liners like yes and no, I'm gone after your third one liner unless you're hot.
Thank you!!!
It amazes that that it isn't obvious, but we all want to be liked/ loved for who we are as a person.(Not for our money or looks, etc.)
SO, guys, you can stand out by showing her you're attracted to her for who she seems to be as a PERSON not just for her looks!
It's the same when women are only interested in a man because of his money not because who he might be as a person.
So when you write her, refer to something you read in her profile and let her know that this is what made her interesting/attractive to you. Like "What you wrote about this and that really resonates with me, because .." or "Hey, I like your humor/what you wrote about bla bla , because..."
Don't make the mistake to talk just about yourself! This is boring and completely worthless if she doesn't get the feeling that you're attracted to her for MORE than just her looks.
Linda B So true-! Guys don't seem to realize that sex/looks is to women as money is to men. A translational equivalent of a lot of the messages women receive would be: "hey handsome, wow, you've got one of the nicest cars I've ever seen. Do you like to eat out? ;-) I like eating out--a lot. Lol. Filet mignon is my favorite. God, you're not a vegetarian are you? The bulge in your pants really caught my eye Do you always carry that much cash around?"
+Linda B So true what you wrote Linda. Just read all the comments here and it so obvious how disappointed mos men feel about online dating. The thing is they do not learn from the experience of this guy who is telling them how to have better dates. They seems to prefer vent they anger about bad datings instead of learn how to behave with women and how to be real and open to the posibility of suceed. Exactly the kind of men i would avoid dating
+Come On Cupid bit easy to put all the responsibility on the men. It's not because women have more options that they shouldn't put in equal effort.
Male friends who do write considerate first messages tell me they often don't get a reply. It must be very frustrating. They should at least get a chance to build a conversation.
+Linda B
When many women's profiles consist of little more than "Just ask" with a First Date of "Impress me" what would you expect a guy with his stuff together to respond with? They don't.
I'm not going to "Impress" a woman who has to use OLD considering the heavy male gender imbalance.
*****
So, refering to my above mentioned analogy, you would be fine, if women contacted you saying "Hey, I like the fact that you are so rich and your expensive watch and car look so pretty! Do you like to meet me?"?
You can lose your money and she can (and will once she gets older) lose her looks. The only thing that stays is the personality. And though you're right that one can not know anything of substance, the other one should at least show that they are attracted to what might SEEM ones substance or personality.
You can feel attracted to a woman's body without seeing it completely naked, because you imagine how it might look naked and that's what draws you.
Likewise you might not see her whole personality but might imagine how she is, by seeing small hints. For example when she has certain things written in her profile, that shows what types of books she reads, what kind of hobbies she has, what type of humor she has, etc. Most men are not interested in reading the profile of women because they are not interested in their minds, which is sad..
I gave up on dating and feel a lot happier now!
This works although the email bit has been replaced by texting for me but I make it clear (in a sweet kind way) that I just use texting for logistics and in order to set up a date there's gotta be an actual phone call.
Consumer Affairs just published an article about the proliferation of scammers on dating web sites. Dr. Phil has also had a show about the same thing. So comparing online dating to a gym is stupid. Gyms have brick and mortar locations to which people can go in order to pursue fitness. Smaller towns like the one in which I currently live have no dating services with physical locations. Big cities like Chicago and Seattle often have such dating services that are not exclusively online. But I spent 19 years living in Chicago --- so I know that big cities have other drawbacks. High cost of living is one of those drawbacks. Gang violence, at least in Chicago, is another.
He nailed it!
None of these points matter if no one ever talks to you.
I've reached out to tons of women on my dating site with my only expectation being the acknowledgment of a simple reply.
I'm always honest and polite, and I put effort into my profile and messages (as much as is possible without being excessive).
But in over six months, nothing.
So how are you supposed to have that "nice conversation at the party" if they won't even let you set foot in the door, let alone look at you?
what dating site are you on? maybe that has something to do with it? or perhaps the certain type of women you are drawn to and sending messages are a specific personality. most likely women you wouldn't want to date anyway! it's there loss, keep your chin up and I believe when you least expect it you will find somebody great for you!
bobthebonboncat
It's eharmony.
I'm sure it has a lot more to do with myself and/or the system than it does with them. But I send messages to various types of women, even some I'm not really sure about, and it's always the same thing. All they do is push me aside to find someone better, which, trust me, wouldn't be hard. It's the same for me outside of online dating as well.
So I think the point still stands. You can't really use this advice if no one gives you the chance.
crapmunky99 Online dating is also very objectified. It doesn't truly allow you to experience a person's personality. Average looking guys has to put way more effort in building their profile. I am not sure what to say about online dating, but I think its less likely for a man to start off as a friend since they have already agreed they like each other.
myway8950 That's true.
crapmunky99 Crapmunky, sorry to hear your lack of success on-line. From my own experience as a woman, I can relate to what this guy is saying and so many guys just had one line emails of either "hi how are you" or "your beautiful" (spelling mistake included). If you actually read a woman's profile and comment on something that caught your eye in her profile, I think you're way ahead of most men. Just try targeting women who are similar age and body type/weight as you. Personally I gave up on online dating :/
Online dating doesn't work because there is always someone better waiting for you in your inbox.
The only problem I had was the phone call. When I first started online dating and would be talking to girls via the online app, I'd ask to call them sometime...all of them ghosted on me.
Come to find out most women find the concept of a guy calling them to be creepy. This part I feel is on the women. Please lighten up about that. Texting is absolutely horrible, let's go back to the phone call - so much better.
I hope more women watch this video and be like, "Hmm, ya maybe phone calls are a good thing". =)
Hahahahahaha nuh uh, phone calls like that are more intimate nowadays. After a couple dates try calling
i would agree. phone calls do come across more intimate now. you have to take time out of your day to talk - in the middle of everything - someone talking in your ear and not physically there. i had a guy call me randomly after texting (didn't even give me fair warning he was going to call) at 9am on a Saturday... and was very awkward in the conversation. I am no longer speaking to him.
Well the guy calling out of nowhere is a breach of basic etiquette more so than a call being inherently intimate. If you were texted at random by someone when it was not expected or implied that you were accepting of random texts it would be much the same result I would imagine. any form of more immediate contact without consent is a breach of socially accepted norm, so yeah I don't blame you for not contacting the guy again, but I also feel its a false comparison to attribute the concept of the phone call as inherently more intimate when really its bad behavior and habits of the caller that make it awkward.
Just ask them if you can call them.
Great video!
I love online dating. I met my husband online.
Great speaker - makes a lot of sense. Can also be reversed and the same for a woman looking for a guy!!! thanks for the help and insight
great stuff!
?
I just been on online dating for about 2 months and everything he says is right on the money!! Can I go on a date with this guy?
I appreciate reading many of the comments below and am not surprised that most are still not having great luck even following the video & 2-2-2 suggestion. I have to agree that my results have varied. To share:
1) I'm prob a 7-8-9 (got a 9.4 on hotornot once,), active, stereotypical thin white guy, but don't have great recent pics. This hurts me big time I know. I'm just not into selfies or "stop, take a pic of me" all the time. I need to improve and better document good times out.
2) I need to actively send out more messages. Flat out. I'm busy and don't like to juggle several people online at once, so in fear of missing opportunities, I limit them. I need to get over that and put in more effort in sending more than a few messages at once.
3) Getting to a ph. call within 3-5 messages or a few days IS important. A phone call IS MUCH better for feeling each other out. I feel most of us can shine over the phone & in person > messages. What he says about texting is spot on; it's VERY unclear when trying to joke or flirt or communicate interests and passions on topics. I want to see quick wit in a funny quick response, not hours of contemplated & rewritten replies. I spent several weeks messaging a really beautiful blonde recently only to find out in 30 minute call that she was superficial, lived with her parents, had several tiny poodles yet treated her dogs poorly. She was initially very assuming of me being "just another internet guy" and strongly on the defense. After laughing and chatting a bit she wanted me to call back, but I got my answers and am glad I saved myself from myself and a shiny object that would have been poison (she likely would've ordered lobster and fed the leftovers to her dogs). Some will have their defenses up heavily and take longer to contact. That's okay. I decided to put in time there and it still didn't work out like I'd hoped. That's okay. If I pushed harder I never would have gotten a #. Not everybody is the same. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes bad. No regrets either way. I agree with most of you that the WORST is not hearing back. Then we don't know. I assume it's that I didn't seem attractive somehow. That's why I don't respond to most of the few messages I receive randomly - simply not attracted to her. It's hard to both like each other. Soooo
4) If things aren't working - CHANGE something! My profile while personal, quirky, and funny (to me at least, so if she likes it she must be cool and if not - well, she's not right for me, right)...I am changing it frequently now.
5) I'm quitting with the dating site functions of "liking" somebody without messaging them a'la Tinder. They usually view my profile after I like them, but gals move on. So, something isn't working there. Pics & profile gotta improve as does my messaging effort. Ironically, the blonde above liked me but I decided to not "like" her back until after we spoke, not just messaged.
We don't have to be hard on ourselves, but should be honest with the nuts & bolts of our approaches, which is the point of this video. Nothing will work for every prospect, but this video seems on point and helped me realize a few improvements needed.
To fix a problem of bad dates, you have to fix the problem of no dates first.
I agree with most of his points. However, I've had bad experiences with the phone call where the girl may set up a date on the phone then flakes out or the woman is very picky on the phone and asks interview type questions. I actually do better exchanging 3-5 messages, then just asking her out.
I really liked this talk. I don't think it helps my particular problem (my personality) but enjoyable nonetheless.
I dislike online dating. I hope to meet someone in a "real" setting or through mutual friends. I'm so ready to meet an amazing guy. It's not easy.
😂 just fabulous.... it’s uncanny! Maybe the girls should post this link in their profile....a kind of “heads up” for the guys 😆🇬🇧🙋🏻♀️x
I dunno why but as a guy this fills me with even more dread that I'll end up alone forever than before.
"we want online dating to feel like real life dating cause it feels good"...well here goes a crazy thought, why not just go back to real life dating for gods sakes?!
ok you've spent about 13 minutes telling us what guys are doing wrong fine but give an example of what message should we inbox them to get their attention
What about the dating apps now? does he translate that? still tell them to email you?
I think is true, since every thing he said has happened to me.
Great video....now if we can get one on how to spot a photo shopped profile picture.. :P
Awesome talk Evan - I couldn't agree with you more. Internet dating can be fun and exciting when you know how. We've become so accustomed to immediate gratification that we've lost the art of getting to know someone at a pace that creates trust and bonding. This video should be a prerequisite to dating on and off line.
I did connect with her, we were chatting, sharing stuff, laughing. I asked her out and she rejected.
Agree 100% re: texting.
This is why I love daygame
The writer Margaret Atwood had something interesting to say about male/female relationship fears: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." Sounds extreme, but essentially true: Men are afraid women will either reject them, or lie to them in some way. But a smart woman's first priority will be to ensure she feels safe going out to meet a man she's never met before, so gentlemen, if you want to actually behave as gentlemen, and end up dating a woman of quality, follow Evan's advice: exchange messages on the dating site -- and if the site offers a 'video date' option, let that be Step 2 (you both still retain you personal info). If the video date goes well, you can swap external contact info, or arrange a meet-up from the video date. At that point, exchange phone numbers, just in case there's a last minute emergency, and you can't make the date. Good luck out there!
My own experience with online dating lead me to conclude that if you're not having success IRL, you won't find it online either.
Exactly
James Dill not true. Lots of shy people do much better online
Possibly but I also personally know 8 couples who have met online and married.
What a sweet man.
I would never ask a person for a Date without meeting/seeing,
talking to her from face to face first, and seeing much,
much more than just her face..!
I am so happy to be single and to remain that way.
Just stop weeping men and start learning! What do you have to lose?
This guy was speaking facts and is funny💯✊🏼😁
Some great points. So true guys try and expedite the communication process. As soon as we make contact RSVP messaging the first message often includes their number and I'm thinking I'd actually like to exchange a few emails and get more of a feel for the guy before swapping no.s and texting. Texting to me while dating about making plans and arrangements, so to immediately send your text no. through, excellerates things and makes me feel rushed and unsure about dating the person. Had a guy do the one email thing, swapped no.s, two texts and then he phones me, didn't ask if I was free and went on for 20 mins about past relationships and shared way to much information that made me think this guy is so insecure. He ended saying you sound very pleasant, we should get a dacquari or a coffee sometime, I'll think of something over the weekend and organise something, that was four weeks ago ...dodged a bullet there, lol...
Great job Evan!
Thanks Micah
This talk just showed me how much worse online dating is than meeting people in person. I'm glad I didn't spend any time online dating.
I found this video really helpful! As a fairly attractive woman who has been online dating for a few months, and been meeting a mixture of nice guys and complete idiots (lol) this will help me slow it down and screen better with a couple of phone chats before actually meeting. I would like to say to guys - I'm a nice person with plenty of interests and a brain in my head - women like me DO read profiles and look for things in common before initiating an email to say hi. Maybe a lot of guys are just messaging lots of women without really being interested in getting to know her??
Being in college, I find the 2/2/2 rule a little harder because most college students do not use email to contact each other. I'm just wondering if there is a possible alternative to this for younger adults that are not working and that don't use email as a result.
College I agree, sometimes can be a very hard environment to date because most people it seems, are not professional enough. I am speaking from experience but I think it can still work
kncle I use Gmail. after a few bad experiences giving a phone number before knowing somebody, I've found that email is a nice alternative
who old are you?
21
isn't it a little bit weird to ask a girl nowadays for her email address?
He just proved its numbers! 300 dates over 10 years!! I call that dogged persistence, not fun!
Sage Advice
I love the way he speaks hahaha. Oh and I love his hair! Screw all you haters
Omg, yes all the "Hi"
so, what if no one acknowledges your existence and cant get step one in action?
I'm confused. In the beginning, he said that people who spend too much time writing their emails and making them too long get ignored because people don't have the time to read so much, but then 10 minutes later he says that you should spend more time writing the emails and make them longer to get results.
He is talking about the very first email when you present yourself to somebody new should be short.When there is an established communication with someone you are dating or looking into dating, that is when emails should get longer.