4 Texting Signs A Dismissive Avoidant Is NOT Into You! | Dismissive Texts
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- čas přidán 25. 07. 2024
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In this video, I talk about 4 texting habits of the dismissive avoidant when they are NOT interested in somebody.
Ever confused by what a dismissive avoidant's text message really means, and if so, what are some texting habits of a DA have you observed?
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:37 - Texting Habit One: Too Long to Answer or Not at All
00:02:15 - Texting Habit Two: One-Word Responses
00:04:07 - Check Out the Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Course
00:04:45 - 25% Off All-Access Pass
00:05:38 - Texting Habit Three: Make Plans but Don’t Follow-Through
00:06:05 - Texting Habit Four: No Acknowledgement / Radio Silence
00:08:08 - Conclusion
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#DismissiveAvoidantTexts #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment
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Very passive aggressive to not answer a text. You might be left on read for days. No one is that busy. Even surgeons will answer after surgery.
Exactly.
I stop replying to texts if I make it clear that the exchange is getting to be too long or the content too important to continue by text. If the person doesn't respect that boundary after I've made that clear, my lack of reply is the consequence. Considering how other people prefer to communicate, and their boundaries about it, is important. Not everyone wants to converse by text.
@@howtosober So then converse in person.
Quite
Lol depends on the value you place on texting. Some people don't take it too seriously
*If a DA isn't into you, pop open the champagne and celebrate all the ways you just dodged a bullet.* Use this realization to reflect on why you were attracted to someone so emotionally unavailable in the first place, then go heal that shit. It only takes one relationship and breakup with a DA to motivate you to NEVERRR put yourself through their abuse again. Sincere blessings to all the DAs on this channel doing the real work to heal. I look forward to seeing them once they're securely attached, but I have absolutely no intention of being part of any of their process on the way there. I've worked too hard to give myself away in another one-sided relationship that is nothing but a power struggle from start to finish, then ends with cold-hearted dismissal and disregard as you pick up the pieces of their mess. You might as well just pick a narcissist. There's no difference in experience as the partner.
Yep, and Lord knows there's no shortage of either DAs or narcissists.
@@cornwallismorgan874 Agreed. I think the most important piece though is making the transition out of learning everything about the other attachment style to process your experience and into healing your own stuff so you can attract only relationships with healthier people. Heidi Priebe has an awesome two-part video on her channel called "Attachment Styles & The Drama Triangle." It's worth checking out.
@@howtosober I've actually been seeing her name pop up in my side bar. I'll have to look into her content.
Amen to that!!🙌 Never ever again! Can’t deal with 💩 anymore!
@@cornwallismorgan874 if you’re meeting people from dating apps, there is a good chance you will run into dismissive avoidants. They are the ones frequently jumping from one relationship to another.
I have a dismissive avoidant(s) that are hot and cold. Sometimes their affectionate then pull back. I'm not going to settle for bread crumbs anymore
Yes u will. Sadly
Compassion is one thing, choosing or not choosing to go further with this person is another thing :)
Honestly the shit they do when they like you is the same shit they do when they don't like you. Or they turn it on and off within seconds. Or everything is ass backwards. Or they express love and then immediately freak out and bail. Or they bail and then regret it and act like nothing happened.
My advice is to stay far away from these people. Find yourself a securely attached person and celebrate that relationship for the loving, boundaried, communicative, honest and transparent beauty that it is. And to all you DA folks working on yourself, I applaud you.
It’s so true because my ex did a lot of these but then ultimately ended up pursuing me when I’d already decided he didn’t like me (I’m an FA). So I was like “…the hell?”
You know, just like some FA's get a bad rep, I feel DA's do too. It honestly depends on the humans and the connections involved. I'm an FA and I would prefer a DA over an AP and especially over an FA. I'm completely unpredictable. I need an certain amount of assurance or my anxious side comes out and then I swing DA out of nowhere and disappear. Sometimes I do the same if him and I show to much vulnerability and love towards each other. How messed up is that? Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. The man I've been dating on and off for the past 3 years is a DA and I've ran away a few times and he always wants to make us work. Every cycle gets better and better and our love gets stronger as we both feel safer. We've been good friends for over 20 years so we're not leaving each other's lives. I feel a level of safety and love I've never felt with anyone else. But it took time and a LOT of work. He has always said he won't change and this is who he is, but his actions have shown the complete opposite. Just saying, they're not all the same.
@@sunbeam9222 I so agree. I have a really good friend who's an AP and when she was telling me that she is constantly online looking up ways to deal with her DA because he doesn't always fulfill her needs and she needs a LOT of assurance, I told her that she should try looking into anxious attachments and work on herself too. She seems to think it's ALL him when honestly I find her neediness and demands to be worse. I am FA and I turned extremely anxious with my DA and used to blame him for everything. Then I started working on myself and found that I'm just as much as the problem. I think people need to recognize these traits they don't like early on and stop trying to mold people into who they're not if the other person isn't interested in working on themselves.
Very true and very well stated.
No one asked you for your advise.
Stop walking on eggshells around DA. I'm a FA (slowly getting secure). My DA started the bad habit of texting me, I'd reply, he would read and leave me on read. After asking him to stop, the third time, I told him his behavior was rude, disrespectful and I did want people in my life who treated me with disrespect. His reply: "Whatever". Three days later, after I calmed down, I replied via email. "No, it's not “whatever” and being indifferent makes things worse, then small things become big and hurtful problems. I think we can safely say we are very much alike when it comes to dramatic, confrontational behavior. We avoid it, but after asking three times in one week to please stop and it happened again, I’m left thinking, he is not a mean and spiteful man. Why would one of the calmest friends that I have, who I believe is above playing mind games, do that"? I can’t answer that, but I can say it's hurtful to me when it happens and I see it as disrespectful. When I’m hurt, it comes out as anger and I withdraw. Withdrawing and ignoring someone, as I have done to you, can be just as hurtful and disrespectful to you. I apologize for my immature behavior. If you don’t see leaving someone on read as hurtful and disrespectful, we’ll just have to agree to disagree and move on. I do have a phone, (XXX) XXX-XXXX, if you would like to contact me. Four days later he called and hasn't texted me since (four months ago). We only speak via phone now and he Initiates contact. He contacts me every 2 or 3 days and we see each other 1 to 2 days per week. Not one word was mentioned about my email. He just changed. Why an email? Hurtful things can be said during a face-to- face and DA's can feel cornered. I get better results if I state my case via email and give him time to think about it. What he does after reading the email is totally up to him.
I had no other option and wanted to speak my peace. I knew I may never hear from him again and I was ok with that. It was a boundary I set and I stood my ground. I didn't put all the blame on him and apologized for ignoring him (I was indirectly telling him that being ignored really hurts). I truly believe that some DA's have no idea how to communicate. You have to set boundaries and stick with them, even if it means walking away.
Yes just did this recently literally done walking on egg shells at this point expressed how going silent makes me feel so rejected but I took emotional accountability at the same time due to the past when I would shut down & ghost when he went silent. I’m ok if he does or doesn’t contact me again. I need to say my peace as well.
Wow, I'm going through something similar to this, it's just so frustrating. Your comment really helped and I took a similar approach as you. Only in my case I sent a text telling her exactly how her ghosting me is making me feel. In my case she is also being ambiguous about her intentions.
They know how to communicate because they won't be doing this to their bosses or service providers.
@@eppsisliketrue indeed. But they also feel safe in communicating with work colleagues, as those will not have an emotional outburst. They are scared of emotions, they learned emotions are not safe, from childhood - and many DAs will choose not to change ever.
In a prior relationship I was the secure one but he was DA. I noticed the hot and cold and the answer was always an excuse. So I just mirrored his efforts and he did not like that. It was strange for me to hold back but I realized he’d done that through most of his adult life and was getting others to cater to him. He didn’t initiate conversation or phone calls or make plans.
I feel for you!
DAs have this weird logic that they think as long as they did not asking you in word even though they are asking you in action , they feel they didn’t lose it. They are still in control. They manipulate you into meeting their needs, but take proud that they didn’t ask you.
Zari I'm with you
and I am in the middle of this now. To come to the date he will need to drive for 45 min, so that's a little bit of an investment, compared to recent dates we've had. But I ask really nicely, with compliments too. If he bails without suggesting another day, then I'll have my answer.
@@brookelight2090 Thank you.
How interesting that you said as long as they didn’t ask they’re not feeling like they lost anything as part of their need to control and manipulate. And when the manipulation increased is when I asked him for a break.
@@anothercat9600 I think that’s really smart that your taking it date by date to assess how your connection is progressing. With my DA he made the 30-45 min drive …it’s just he was always late or ended up at a different location nearby because he didn’t save the address of the restaurant I had sent him earlier in the week. He blamed it on his gps re-routing him. It seemed strange because he would drive an hour to get to work on time but somehow missed the mark with me. I guess I was low on his priority list…which made me pull back and ask him deeper questions about life goals. That’s when I noticed we were not aligned.
I’m glad you’re complementing your guy to encourage him to be open with you. That’s very important. Unfortunately for me when I asked him for a phone call despite telling him how much I missed his voice during the week and how sexy his voice is I got nothing….except more emoji texts. Hahaha :)
Wishing you a healthy partnership!
@@zaria5785
Thank you for your response Zari. Thais says something about putting out this need very directly and specifically.
"I really feel safe and feminine if you reach out and ask me out :-) "
is something along what I want to tell him. Because one party dragging along the entire asking in a relationship ... well, we will only get tired of it.
Nice to hear that you ended it, though. The DA being constantly late or forgetting to prioritize, cannot be done. That's emotional abuse imo, even if they of course don't mean to abuse.
Mine "doesn't forget location", but that is because my anxiousness always makes me send a nice text with smileys the day before, it's a reminder, pretending to be something else. "Would really like it if you picked me up at ..."/"Do I bring any sallad to the picnic?"
I've never been cancelled on in my entire life, and that is why. I often send compliment reminders. Shouldn't need to, though.
Why bother. Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable lol
Quite honestly, compassion is one thing, but if you can't be yourself... the dismissive avoidant has us walking on egg shells. Oh can't say that, they might think I'm clingy. Can't do that because they will think I'm caring too much. This is NUTS! I just get out myself from narcissistic relationships and BAMB! Met a guy who seemed to want what I want, he was on fire at the beginning and now... it's the same old song... this is frustrating. My point is... I am NOT going back to trauma bonds. I am not walking on egg shells, if I can't be me and have someone appreciate who I am and what I contribute... then why is he hanging onto me? Why won't the dismissive avoidant just say no thank you? is he treating me like crap, hoping I'll get the hint? Is that how they do this? They don't like break ups so they just let you do their work for them? I have been so nice, and kind, willing to go the distance and today... he basically said he wouldn't go the distance for me... so I'm done... I am going silent because what's the point in stating what you want? I've done that twice already.
The thing is, when we are together in eachother's company we really really get along. WE talk for hours and hours... what the heck. I am so confused.
Same
same
Now that I lost interest in the DA he opens and responds to my messages often within minutes. 🤯
The no contact strategy might work I guess
Because they love the rejection but they're allergic to actual love
Yep that was me it’s easier to open up when I don’t feel suffocated
This sums it up nicely when dealing with anyone:
7:00 With any attachment style, go by their actions more than the words.
I could not imagine dating a dismissive avoidant, especially for months and years. I would go mad. I care too much about my self-worth and sanity to ever want to deal with a dismissive avoidant.
Truer words were never spoken. It only takes one relationship and breakup with a DA to motivate you to NEVERRRRRRR put yourself through their shit again. Blessings to all the DAs on this channel doing the real work to heal. I look forward to seeing them once they're securely attached, but I have zero intention of being part of their process on the way there.
Broke up with a DA of 4 years a month ago, it was very painful but I'm slowly starting to realise that I no longer have to dance around someone else's mental problems, it just drained me and my sanity completely
Thank you for sharing , I’m so sad from the post traumatic stress of the end of a relationship
Yup. I’m in the same place. This DA break up is taking so long to get over. But 100% worth it. Never, ever dating a DA again. Secure or anxious and working on it only.
@@NightOfCrystals For me, getting over the DA was no problem at all. Their behavior toward me on their way out got me over them instantly. But the amount of destruction they caused to my life, along with the fact it was a totally one-sided relationship the whole time, felt like they got everything and I got nothing. That's the resentment I've had to work on.
Love you Thais! Please make a video on the early stages of trauma bonding. Many people these days trauma bond with others, and the6 don’t even realize it until they get deep down in the hole.
One of these DAs showed me just how terribly I was willing to treat myself by believing that I needed their love. Years later, the thought of him still crosses my mind, more often than I would like, but I’m not falling for the trap anymore. The best thing I did for myself was to exclude him from my life entirely. He’s been dismissed. Thank you very much.
Perfect. Move on and spend time with ppl with open hearts. Who needs these DAs?
@Petra Jordan this comment is everything! When you said he was dismissed, I felt a power inside myself. Thank you for sharing friend.
Great video and I believe others are just mirrors so that we can see how we are with ourselves! Dismissive avoidants mirror back to us, how dismissively avoidant we are to ourselves and instead make others the center of our universe ! So it’s just feedback so that we can do our inner work! The more we do our inner work, the faster we experience this person leaving our life (from the inside out) or shifting to more and more secure attachment 🙏
That is a good one. If you were healed, you wouldn't get so triggered and spend so much time trying to get the attention of someone else. You'd have a sense of self and not spin into crazy over a text message
Beautifully said ✨
Hey people should be aware that if your feeling obsessed with a dissmissive aboidant search you tube on how to get someone hooked on you. It's similarly very close to how they test you. So know maybe this pull your feeling is psychological and maybe not soul mate energy . It's the same
We’ve worked together for 6 yrs, but Since I resigned from my position at work my bff who is a DA has completely gone cold and distant. I have tried to talk to him and give space but nothing has worked. Last time he said don’t take it personally that’s just how men are, however he was never like this in our friendship. I am contemplating in just pulling back and ending the friendship as it has become hurtful these past 2 months and he seems not to care for the friendship any longer.
As a short recap for reference:
1. Don't answer for long periods of time (or not at all)
2. You get one word answers a lot of the time
3. Make plans but don't follow through
4. No acknowledgement they broke off plans
My personal experience is that the DA I dated NEVER showed these behavior. He was not aware of his attachment style, never went to therapy and is quite far on the DA-spectrum... but he STILL showed consistent engagement to get back to messages timely, initiate contact, apologize if he skipped a beat, follow through plans, make-up for it the plans fell through, etc.
He has been consistent with this when we just started dating, after one year of dating and even four years later after we broke up he continues to initiate contact and plan to see me.
If somebody shows you those four texting behaviors, they are definitely not interested. Please don't make excuses for them.
Exactly. Their reasons dont change your reality. If they don't show up. They don't show up
What if this is your spouse lol??
@@allisonb.8492 I'd consider following Sami Wunder's advice how to reignite love in a relationship. Essentially - start focusing on you and bring the spark back in your own energy, let him just be and do his thing, he'll grow curious and attracted when he sees you glow up
Wait why do you both still make plans to see each other if you broke up?
All the four texting behaviors you mentioned above are the signs my DA showed everytime.
But he acknowledges that he broke off plans and gave so lame excuses to me that why he didn't appear.
This woman makes great videos that are packed to the brim with incredible knowledge, extremely helpful in identifying issues and causes, and offers therapeutic tools to heal wounds and graduate to a higher level of ones self.
What do people do in response?
Dump all their baggage, trash talk the attachment styles they don't like, trash talk people they don't know, practice prejudice against an entire demographic, and even though they're here, refuse to look away themselves and do THEIR work.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood
Dismissive Avoidant
: )
refuse to look at themselves*
Lmao this being the most DA answer ever. You literally just did everything you complained about in the post!
@@ineedhoez I am SA/FA and I agree with this post, and I don't think they are doing the same thing as the behavior they are calling people out for. I am also tired of reading all the negativity and trash talking under DA videos. It's like the empathy with which Thais' explains DA coping mechanisms and reactions to fear is entirely missed on a lot of people. I don't even relate to how some people describe DA's to be. I think the bad experiences a lot of people have with DA's can also be explained through their own insecurities that they should work on. It takes two insecure people to create a toxic dynamic; if one is already secure enough not to feed that cycle, it won't happen.
Why is venting in a safe space and sharing personal experiences wrong and “dumping baggage?”
💯 agree Laps
This relates to all kinds of relationships too, not just dating protocols
She takes too long to answer, keeps it short, but in person she seems to be interested. I'm so confused 😢
I moved on from this DA girl. I have an AP attachment style and with this girl, I feel hell in my life so I am going to make myself secure and then find a better partner
maybe the person just isn't into texting?
@@littledevil8146 not dating her anymore. She ghosted me for 3 months after a "fight" we had. Then we met at a concert and she didn't even apologize for ghosting but wanted things to get back to normal as if nothing had happened. NO! I was not going to let her disrespect me. So we don't talk anymore and it's def the best decision of my life.
why DA just cant or wont end relationship and keeps person at bay ? is it related to bread crumbing ? Are they looking for validation ?
It's annoying. I'm at the stage im thinking if you don't like me just go away already. Omfg 🤣.
Is a DA technically ever into anyone though? They literally ditch everyone like they meant nothing in the first place so Idk if it really matters lol
They keep chasing a phantom ex or an unrealistic relationship
Absolutely, they are very into the fantasy of the perfect relationship (which demands nothing of them and where all their unmet and unnamed needs are fulfilled), just not into the realities of a reciprocal relationship. They are also in a very committed relationship with their fears.
Good question. DAs don’t into anyone which is where their name come from. Even if they do for a second, they suppress/ dismiss the feelings
@@brookelight2090 that's right. when i asked my DA why he pursued me, he told me these words: that when he likes someone, it was only just "a touch of liking", or something like "liking someone from a distance". then he said he took the courage to pursue me
u can never imagine that he'd be a DA cus he was showering me with compliments at the start 😭🤚🏻 very out of character of him LMAO
If they’re uninterested why do they even agree to make plans with you? Is it that they’re afraid the the confrontation it might bring up by saying no?
Unfortunately makes them feel good to have someone to reject and abuse.
Could you do one about how to know if they truly do consider you as just a friend and nothing more.
Timing is impecable! Had my ex do this all the time. I understand it's painful for them but more so for me AP. It was always an excuse either visiting grandma or a doctors issue...
This! My ex did this all the time too and it's so frustrating each time. It got really bad to the point where every time we make plans, I literally get so nervous and feel super anxious as it gets closer to the date.. worrying so much if he would cancel last minute like he always did or change his mind and says he's tired blah blah..
@@fornever42 how did you deal with it? How long were you together for and did you see eachother at all?
@@sloveniaproducer We were together for 3 years, mostly been on and off after a year. We did see each other at least 3 times a week, but that wasn't enough for me as an AP. Over time, I feel like he was starting to resent me for always wanting to spend time with me that he doesn't have time for anything else or hang out with anyone else (even though he has 4-5 days to himself to do his own thing). We would break up and the cycle repeats where we would be good until it wasn't. I was always afraid that I'd scare him off for being so needy and wanting connect and be closer to him. I'd always begged and hoped he'd come back to me. He probably felt really suffocated but never able to fully express what he was feeling and thinking. He was the type that kept to himself and it was one of the things that made me feel anxious and uncertain. Now I realize we are just not compatible with each other and what we wanted didn't match up.
@@fornever42 thank you for sharing! Sorry to hear about your experience. I couldn't even get to see my ex once a week and she'd cancel everything last minute..and I thought I wasn't being understanding or was too needy...
@@sloveniaproducer No problem! I feel you can be understanding to a limit. Overtime the reasons to cancel just gets old and sound like excuses. Especially if they're only 20 minutes away so it wasn't like a super long distance! It just feels like they have one foot out the door. Maybe I did appear needy but that was probably because I was trying to seek certainty and security in the relationship.
First like and comment. my wife is in this phase. Doesn't wanna communicate, faces the other way. I'm sooo done.
PDS is far cheaper than divorce, and will make you both better people for it (assuming she receives anything you share with her). I went from 83% anxious preoccupied to 56% secure in about 6 weeks... so Thais' content REALLY works! And, once you are in PDS, we have breakout rooms after the webinars 4 days per week where you can talk to other DAs and ask them about your wife... how to communicate with her, etc. everyone is SO helpful! It's like group therapy with a whole bunch of therapists 4 days per week, for several hours per day!!! If that isn't worth the small enrollment fee, IDK what is!
@@asinsodojrn what days? All I know about is Saturday at 2pm ET, and Fridays at 12.
A video with lots of examples! My favourite kind :)
So if a DA isn't interested, why do they make contact again a week later?
Why do allow them to make contact? Why not just block, delete, and move on? If you need daily engagement and they don't give it to you, why stay?
@@ineedhoez my question is asking what is it about a DA and their psychology that brings them back when they aren't interested, in reference to the video.
@@yellowtheresunshine I'd say it's one of of two reasons. Either they use you as an ego boost and an option to get their needs met without having to commit to anything or they're trying to stay safe by showing their interest but still keeping a certain amount of space. I'm not sure of the psychology around it, but that's what I get from it.
They ghost you? Message received….
Why do i struggle to accept he will never like me back ? How can I LET GO of the hope this DA will care one day..
Any advice for me?
Always remember, only give your attention and energy to people who value, appreciate and reciprocate it. And remove it from those who don’t. Know your worth. ❤
Because you've emotionally invested in him. It did not take you one day to fall in love so it follows it will take time for you to fall out of love. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself as you let him go. It takes time but if you're intentional about it then in time you will move on from him. Wishing you healing and a love that does not hurt. You are worthy of love and affection.
Also, how do you talk to yourself? are you kind, mean, or critical? Learn to talk through things with yourself and think "how would a good friend talk to me and reassure me?" This is the only way you should talk to yourself.
Give yourself time and be firm in letting them go. They're not evil or bad people, they're also hurt people with a tough life. Everyone has their journey and you cannot force it or hope for it on others, you can only heal yourself. Ask yourself what you need and how you feel with and away from this person. Then think about someone you've known for years and you love. How do these scenarios compare?
@@theexotic2983 you aren't in love though. It is infatuation
Because you are remembering him from the early stages of the relationship where he was at his best. You need to remember him for how he was at the end, because that is when he finally revealed himself to you.
So. Helpful. 🥰
What do you call it when a DA KNOWS EXACTLY what they are doing with those texts? when they purposefully close texts, arent they just being manipulative?
I had a DA who would be reluctant to give me eye contact or would kind of avoid me for the day but when we parted ways they would text me about how much fun they had. It was very confusing because it seemed like they had little interest in person but were more enthusiastic over text.
They also took me back to their apartment and would start acting super nervous, rushing around, not relaxed at all. I had to ask them to sit down next to me cos they were just standing over me at one point.
Eventually I left and she shuffled me out the door super quick. I was was like, what the fuck was that?
In hindsight I guess she expected sex and was super nervous, but that wasn’t attractive to me at all and I’m not going to make a move on a woman who isn’t giving me signs beyond taking me back to her apartment.
She sounded anxious and shy. I get nervous around someone I really like, I've been known to bail, it's embarrassing and about vulnerability.
@@BerryBlondaewithADHD
She’s terrible at vulnerability. I’m not willing to move forward with someone that reserved. She’s been in relationships since but it’s men she can’t connect with like the connection we had, I think thats more manageable for her. But I saw through her and that scared her.
She’s told me she cant talk to them like she can talk to me, but I feel that there’s a good reason for that. They don’t see her like I do and are therefore less scary and more manageable. I hope she can open up to someone who sees her someday.
@Rubber J I hope she does, it will be worth it to her. I stayed in a bad relationship for almost 2 years cause I thought I deserved it, and I just recently ran away from something good, cause I was scared. Not only did I hurt myself, I hurt him, realized I was wrong for running and he's put me at arms length now. Now I'm here trying to heal my trauma, so I don't make the same mistake again. If y'all still talk, maybe share some of Thais's vids, I feel like I've learned so much from her and Dr. Tracy Marks (low self-esteem vids).
@@BerryBlondaewithADHD
I’m doing the courses now, unfortunately we aren’t talking right now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back some day.
Thank you for the insight and for sharing, I’m an Anxious Avoidant and have come a long way, but I’m not dating right now while I’m working on myself.
Feeling the need to comment on yet another video as some others have: I also see where their pain comes from, and hope they heal. But DA's, especially severe ones are just the worst type, and like others have said, avoid avoid avoid. Especially if you lean anxious. There may be a good person underneath, but they are inconsiderate garbage people in practice
I don't know if you've made videos that talk about the following;
1. Living with a DA who doesn't work on becoming secure. Can you learn to become secure or remain securely attached whilst continuing a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Is it possible to accept them for who they are without rejecting yourself and your needs in the process.
2. How the long term DA partner practises detachment after several years, and why. I've had moments where I become aware of a DA partners attempts to detach whereby she creates an idea of how the relationship is failing by hyper-focusing on things that aren't currently working in the relationship or negative traits in the partner that are temporary and will pass (e.g. short illness or financial hardship whilst between jobs),totally resolvable or can be easily mitigated by considering all the positives in the relationship as well as negatives. The negatives could be genuine or perceived, or they could even have been provoked directly through the DA's own actions (self-sabotage).
3. How to properly navigate the relationship when the DA is practising detachment. Do you allow yourself to be affected by it or not, and how does this come across to the DA? E.g. If you complain about or question their detachment and/or assert needs/boundaries they can choose to perceive it as pushy or needy, which helps them lower attraction and detach further. If you play it cool and practise mindfulness in response you can avoid appearing weak or needy, but in doing so you have gone along with the DA's imposed social embargo and allowed them time and space to detach further. It would seem that the only card the non-avoidant partner can play at this point is the 'leave the relationship' card. Or is there another way?
3. Maintaining barriers. I've noticed a few DA's who seem to be very enthusiastic and close to a given partner whilst there is some form of barrier standing between them and making the prospect of committed relationship unlikely for the unforeseeable future. In that time they are present and can be totally besotted, but suddenly change their mind the moment that the barriers are resolved or removed. It makes sense that the DA feels safer in the knowledge that no matter how much they lose themselves to the moment, the barrier (e.g. one or more partners married, difficulties with ex and kids, geographic distance due to work/family etc etc) guarantees that the relationship will not progress in ways that could mean a reduction in autonomy.
Let me just save you from all the ways you sound like you're trying to negotiate a way to stay in a relationship that is depleting you and giving you nothing: GET OUT. There is no upside to staying with an unhealed DA. None. It does not get better. You do not get any return on that investment. It is not worth anything. And when they finally discard you, they'll do it like you never existed. You seriously might as well just partner with a narcissist. There's really not much of a difference. Love yourself enough to call it quits before you lose anything more.
@@missqable "Hard lessons are not learned, but suffered."
-Mysaria, aka The White Worm (House of the Dragon)
@@missqable The whole subject of attachment is fascinating. Especially when you start to see how it influences you in other ways such as work, risk taking etc.
It’s a blessing if DA are not into you, and it’s a curse if they do.
DAs are insecure and toxic. They will consciously hurt you to get a reaction from you. From this reaction, they then determine if you like them or not. That is if you are hurt by their abandoning behavior, you like them. Even better, if you crawl back to them, they know for sure you like them. Then they feel flooded and genuinely runs away. This time, the abandoning behavior is real.
If you don’t react to their abandoning behavior, they feel hurt themselves. Their deactivating strategy is to explain to themselves that you don’t like them anyways.
How toxic those creatures are! Stay away strong!
Toxic creatures is a generalisation from your own experience. Insecure, yes; toxic, not all.
riiiight, because anxious types are never toxic..............................🙄
Wow thanks, i saw this pattern!
Idk I usually don’t answer much to people who I like sometimes I even let the convo die
So why do they block you if you call them out on the behavior? Even though they know that's why they are doing it?
Conflict aversion
I get 3 word responses, no texts, no phone calls. We are both over 55 yrs old, both divorced. It gets frustrating, 6 months in.
What if the DA suddenly starts initiating and texts every single day, for months, but still won't meet up. Is he just not interested and stringing the person along to get his needs met or does a DA have to somewhat like you to even put in some effort to string you along? I'm not with the DA anymore but I still find the psychology behind it interesting.
Sounds more like that DA is keeping that person as an option and get an ego fix knowing that person is there on standby. I'd say they like you, but you're maybe not their first choice OR another angle would be they WANT to date, but their fears are stopping them and just texting is keeping you at a safe distance. It really depends on the individual.
Unrelated but do you have something on feeling guilt after ending a relationship?
How will we reconcile some of these signs with he going on trips with you, posting you on social media, introducing you to his brothers ?
I think that would be explained by their fears being greater than their feelings. Meaning, they’re still interested, but their core wounds are being triggered.
@@julesD0222 what if he sends you pictures of himself
My long distance DA doesn’t like to text ( he has to text a lot during work), but if I am texting he always calls back, and if we meet , he always makes time to meet and to make something together. I am more anxious, but I work on myself and give him space and it works. It’s a slow progress ….
I have a long distance DA too... and I just found out today, by his words that its not convenient for him to drive three hours to come see me. He will see me when he has to visit his family who live 20 minutes from me. I wanted to visit him on my birthday in two days... and I was willing to drive an hour and a half to meet him where he is going to be, just meet for coffee and he told me that its not worth me driving to see him just for a few minutes. Shouldn't I be the one to decide that? I figure he said that because in my efforts to go the distance which he won't. I make him look bad or make him feel guilty, or make him uncomfortable that I care and he doesn't.
Is it not common for people with c-ptsd do ghost people on a regularly basis? Even those people they like and with whom they want a deep relationship with?
Okay so, i don't know if he's a DA. He ghosts people in general because he kinda doesn't use it phone or check his msg's all that often, or from what I've seen, he definitely doesn't respond for weeks on end and kinds never responds. I'm an FA and an scared to bring it up to him, since it's one of my fears even though he's my BF lmao. It's kinda early in the relationship and I don't Rlly know what to do. I wanna communicate it, but would he be considered not interested anymore?
It's of course up to you but I think it shouldn't matter whether he is a DA or nor or whether he is interested in you or not. Your reactions to him (fear to bring things up and scare him away, being drawn to someone who clearly doesn't invest in/value connection in general and creates uncertainty) seems bad for your mental and emotional health.
Shouldn't be scared to talk to your partner.
Phenylethylamine*
Phenyl
Ethyl
Amine
😊
Is this specific to the dating stage or does this apply to honeymoon/power struggle?
More specific to the dating stage. Im a DA and working on it. I act like this when women seem to be interested because i dont want to encourage them into thinking im interested back. Secure women quickly move on, but anxious women try and try again, and its uncomfortable for me to be put in a position where i have to actually tell them im not interested, when to me, its been clear as day that ive been telling them with my actions.
If i ever even get to the power truggle phase with someone, then for sure im interested in that person and i wont be acting that way. But i do tend to go cold and push away when i feel too many expectations are being placed on me. In the power struggle phase, i do want to be with that person, but i just want to go a slower pace thaf gives me plenty of time to get used to being in a relationship and not just being autonomous
@@sergeigen1 thank you for your responses. That helps a lot. How would you describe your texting habits in the power struggle stage since you mentioned the pushing away?
I broke up with my DA in what I look back now and recognise it was. Protest behaviour and I regretted it instantly. He took months to talk to me again and now he calls every other day. My AP self wants to talk everyday. I haven’t seen him in a month I don’t want to pressure him it’s long distance. I’ve actually stopped calling him and just wait for his calls I don’t want to pressure him but Is he interested or is he stringing me along?
@@jainicole4649 i think DA's develop their attachment style as an adaptation for not having acess to much emotional intimacy. So in the early stages of settling down with someone, such as the power struggle phase, both partners are still figuring out each others boundaries and comfort zones. A DA does want emotional intimacy, but in short controled bursts that are spaced out so we can get used to it. Emotional intimacy is outside our comfort zone, so it feels weird and we dont understand why ppl want it so much and we dont like to be pushed into more of it when were not ready, or to be expected to have the same level of anxiety surrounding it.
As i become more secure, (hopefully), i understand that its better to communicate the "shape" and boundaries of my.comforf zone to any woman im becoming serious about, because its my "job" as a serious partner to hand her the "map" or the "instructions" of what i like and dont like , so that she knows from the start.
and if she wants to put in effort to show me she cares, then the instructions i gave her will point her in the right direction and not into things that are hard for me to appreciate.
Of course, shs should be working on teaching me what her instructions are for me to learn how to love her back.
So its just a matter of beinf aware of what your map looks like and making sure you do a good job at teaching that to your partner.
Now do one when they don't even want to be friends
My cat is more demonstrative and direct than some people. Jeez just occurred to me, maybe we like these one word folks cuz we then get to take over everything socially blah all over the place! Then you wake up and maybe it's that they don't give a ****. Seems like if I discuss anything not to do with them or I it's okay.
😅 my DA ex left me for a married man.
They deserve each other.
They are awful people all together.
Can't trust narcissist behavior
If a DA isn’t into you, I thought that doesn’t make them A DA? I thought a DA was into you but unconsciously gets triggered to run with things start to move forward?
They are never IN TO you.
No one knows they’re avoidant in the dating stage because their avoidant behaviours aren’t engaged, intimacy hasn’t developed enough to be an issue so unsure how that first point applies🤷♂️
Can 2 DA have a happy reunion?
If you wonder if she's into you, SHE'S NOT INTO YOU, bro!!
Note: NO WOMAN IS INTO YOU, sorry.
I would caution anyone who is anxious to be careful about applying this. You all spend a lot of time, especially in the early stages of dating, looking for signs of commitment or investment. Almost as if you expect a ton of attention and if you don't get it, you go down the rabbit hole. In the early stages of internet dating, you can't expect someone to be heavily invested. They have lives, they are busy, they are dating other people. You are looking for patterns and it has been 1 date.