This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!
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- čas přidán 15. 05. 2024
- Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and a bestselling author, she is also the co-host of the ‘Dear Therapists’ podcast. Her New York Times bestselling books include, ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ and ‘Mr Good Enough’.
00:00 Intro
02:42 How to Live the Life You Want
05:40 Lack of Human Connections Leads to Relationship Pressure
06:55 Why the Majority Aren't Satisfied with Their Relationships
08:35 The Need to Be Understood
10:21 Why Men Struggle More Opening Up in the Relationship
17:08 Setting Unreal Expectations When Looking for a Partner
20:14 We're Too Picky on Dating Apps
25:33 High Expectations, Can They Be Lowered?
29:40 Gender Differences in Dating
34:18 The Type of People That Seek Bad Partners
35:45 How to Help Those People
37:23 Financial Differences in Dating
43:27 People Are Choosing Not to Have Kids and Get Married
49:36 What Happens When a Woman Earns More in the Relationship
51:42 The Big Debate on a First Date
57:09 Red Flags in First Dates
01:00:27 The Age You Marry Is Linked to Divorce Risk
01:04:08 You Need to Learn to Unknow Yourself
01:06:11 The Impact of Seeking Approval
01:12:56 When Your Friends Sabotage You When You Try to Change
01:21:20 Do Women Express More Emotion Than Men?
01:23:12 Do Our Dreams Have True Meanings?
01:25:44 The Safety of Self-Compassion
01:27:31 The Opposite of Depression Isn't Happiness
01:30:22 The Grief of Heartbreak and How to Recover
01:38:27 How to Help Someone Going Through Heartbreak
01:45:38 The Last Guest Question
You can find the link to the graph on age and divorce risk here: bit.ly/49KpKrM
You can pre-order Lori’s book, ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’, here: amzn.to/4a9IVv8
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This episode of The Diary Of A CEO was filmed at Gold Tree Studios, located in the heart of the Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, California
If you like this episode please can you do me a little favour and hit the like button on the video! I really appreciate your kindness x ❤👊🏾
It looks like Google is still censoring...
Interesting discussion with a wise person. I also like Steven's approach to talks with his guests!
i wish you had asked her that if a woman knows she wont want to see the guy again is it on her to offer/insist she pays half - controversial but i think it is!
@@DNA350ppmπ
Marriage and dating are off the table. Therapists are bass-ackwards. They need to FIX things, not give attention and validation.
The idea of a flawless marriage or relationship is unrealistic. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Nevertheless, I've learned that solutions exist for every problem. Five years ago, my wife and I faced the brink of divorce due to challenges in our marriage. Fortunately, we managed to reconcile. It was a tough phase, but we made it through....
The wisdom in your words resonates deeply, and I genuinely wish my emotions echo yours. Despite our current distance, I cannot envision my life without her; my love for her is unwavering. I crave her return, and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to make it happen. We've explored different avenues, such as therapy, in our efforts to mend our relationship
Parting ways with someone you deeply care about is never easy, but in my particular circumstance, I was aided by a spiritual mentor who averted the collapse of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters...
Your guidance is well-received. I'll quickly search for her online. Thank you. I'm optimistic that taking this approach will yield results for me as well; her absence is keenly felt.
I promise you will not regret it
When she says she'd feel unsafe if a man didn't pay on the first date, that is such manipulative language.
Feel free to say any of the following:
1) I did not feel valued
2) I did not feel like he was into me
3) I felt like he was cheap
4) I did not feel like he could provide for me
5) I did not feel like he cared to provide for me
6) I felt like he was uninterested
These statements allow for a real conversation.
Unsafe is a word reserved for men who follow you around an empty parking lot at 1 AM.
Unsafe is a word you use on men who force themselves into your apartment.
Unsafe is a word you use on men who physically or emotionally abuse you.
Unsafe is a word you use on men who have inappropriate relations with your teenage daughter.
Unsafe is *NOT* a word you use on a man who did not cover the $12.95 for your panini.
To use that word to describe a man who did not pay for your chicken parm panini comes off so manipulatively, as if it's designed to shame men into paying for meals so as to avoid the stigma of the label _"person who makes women feel unsafe."_ Men do not want to be considered unsafe, because there is a genuine stigma around being considered unsafe(and often rightfully so). That's such a disappointing thing to hear someone say - particularly someone at this level of expertise & education in the field of relationships.
I typically do pay on the first date, and have in the relationships I had that were good. In these cases I usually made more money than the person I was going out with so it seemed like a courtesy.
Words have meaning! Do not use them this carelessly.
Thank you for articulating exactly how I feel about this.
I agree
I agree. And, as a single woman, I prefer to pay for myself. When a man pays for your meal/drink, he often believes that the woman should provide sexual pleasure for him. It's not generous, but gross and transactional. So many men I've met don't seem to understand that my body has nothing to do with my gratitude. It's much safer for women to pay their way so the men cannot claim they are owed "services" for buying dinner and cinema tickets.
A feeling of insecurity can arise from a combination of the feelings that you have listed, in my opinion. Communicating with a person with whom you consider each other seriously in a long-term relationship, who is the first to lay the proposal to "split the bill" in the foundation of the relationship, gives a cocktail of feelings, for example:
- he probably really didn't like it with me, does he need something from me? it turns out that emergence does not work?
- is he planning to share everything, and if I'm busy with our children and I can't work, then we'll have to survive? How will he behave?
Etc. It turns out that you are not safe from the feeling of a lost and murky long-term perspective. The prospect of losing resources, time and effort is also unsafe. No one wants to suffer. And not just dark alleys
In addition, you forever lay a foundation for the first meeting for a woman, either reasons to incite his strength all his life through a joke, or to think that he might fail somewhere and worry. Is it necessary? Is it worth it?
You can also ask her, what about it makes it feel unsafe. You can react to a word or seek to understand beyond your own definition of safety.
I personally believe the biggest problem when it comes to dating is social media. It feels like everybody keeps looking for the next better person.
Hypergamy is prevalent among women primarily.cause they just have to choose, and choose.
Not 'people' looking for the next better person, it's 'women' looking for the next better person. But I agree that social media is the problem.
Ah, doesn’t both man and woman keeps looking for next one? Why stressing about woman?
But be honest looking for next one isn’t the problem, people got their choice and the other person can be a hell.
It’s that they don’t even take a careful look at another individual, there is no respect and curiosity in the process, thus I think it’s why they failed, because people are naturally reciprocal and these two qualities is the basic of the basic to human connection and relationship.
@@user-ti7me6yv7w Many women want the same men. Many men can’t find the 1st woman let alone the next.
@@user-ti7me6yv7wonly very few men have options and can afford to “look for better”
most of the time they just try to get back with their ex bc they know that woman is likely the only one for a while. Seen it happen with my own eyes.
Female friend of mine is into this dude at work who also has a baby daddy she said was trying to get back with her this entire time she’s messing around with the other guy. Eventually she broke it off with him and takes her ex back. Meanwhile homie at work is over here talking to girls seemingly everywhere at work, getting numbers, reconnecting with exes, and even managed to start a friends with benefits with this one chick.
An example of a man with options and a man with none. The former is a very small minority….
In 2010 The Guardian UK newspaper ran a story about Lori. She was, back then, a 43 year old single mother who, in her own words, "desperately wants to marry." In fact she had desperately wanted to marry for the previous 13 years. She is now 56. And unmarried. And she is giving young women relationship advice. LET THAT SINK IN.
Majority of women who become therapists and psychologists do it to try and figure themselves out because they think they’re crazy. Doesn’t surprise me she isn’t married 😂
I could care less single ppl give the best gdm advice
Interesting.
The Guardian pushing poison? That doesn't make sense!
@@goodbyeg7032 🤣
My husband forgot his wallet on our first date. Said he'd pay me back. Never did. We've been married for 53 years. I tease him and ask when are you paying me back to this day. We laugh. People who laugh together stay together. ⚘
"People who laugh together stay together." 💯
Imagine the amount of 'interest' that will have accrued! I know you husband - he didn't 'forget' the wallet, he intentionally left it behind...LOL
To be fair, I pulled a "forgot my wallet" a couple of times in my twenties. Still, lovely story :)
Lolll my husband still owes me $1500 from being young and broke. When we met he was 22 living alone in an apartment he couldn’t afford. I had just graduated and moved into my parents’ basement for a few months. I was so smitten I kept helping him cover rent “as long as he paid me back.” We’ve been happily married 5 yrs now (with combined finances and much higher incomes.) he never paid me back. But he did learn how to budget. 😂 and he makes me laugh every day.
💯
I married my husband after dating for 3 months, having met him on-line at 36 years old. We now have 4 children and have been married for 20 years! Never say never!!!!
This is such a lie. Who online dated back in 2004?!
20 years ago finding friends/dating online was a much different time, kinda idyllic. Tinder hadn't quite cheapened the scene, now it's a dumpster fire! Congrats because 20 years is a big deal now 🎉
@@alexdex9439I met my first set of friends from AOL in 2000, I'm still friends with one of them. In 2004 ppl were absolutely dating online. I was in the military and used to go on some military dating website!
Yeah I was going to say, we intellectualize stuff too much these days. All these people with their statistics blablabla, statistics are virtually meaningless because there’s only the people who agree to be a part of the studies.
I think taking bits and pieces of these are helpful to people who have no idea and are new to self development, but things tend to work themselves out..
People met online in 2004. I met a girl online when I was a teenager and went on one "date" in 1998... Her dad actually came because I was a guy she met online. @@alexdex9439
Before I was a stay at home mother and had a career my partner would never let me pay for any meals or main bills etc so instead I’d surprise him with booking us a holiday or gifts.
Relationships aren’t transactional but if you’re both making money then it should bring you joy to share that by being generous with one another where possible.
He now is our source of money and I return the favour by keeping a lovely home for him to come back to and caring for our babies.
These ‘gender roles’ feel completely natural to us and we’re very happy with what each of us bring to the relationship.
On the first date, I always pay. My wife literally made more than 15x what I made (I didn't know at the time) but I still happily paid. She told me that if she likes her date, she will let them pay. But if she does not her date, she will split the bill. Her reasoning is if she lets her date pay, she feels ok with wanting to owe her date and see them again.
I've since transitioned careers and my wife still makes more than me but she has never put how much money she makes in my face...ever.
Six years later, and we have two lovely daughters now. My wife is truly unique and breaks so many conventions. She just knew it had to be me. She's perfect, a true 10/10 and turns heads in any room she enters. Still feels like a dream
Very true. If I know a guy might be fun to hang out with but not relationship material, I'll be happy to pay half. It is a big ick to pay.
Lucky you man, and it's golden to feel this about your wife. Much Respect
I TOTALLY agree. When I never wanted to see a guy again, I’d pay for the date. It was my way of signaling that it was platonic.
On the other hand, when I really liked the guy on the date I’d offer but happily defer when he’d pay, because I liked him and wanted that reciprocal vibe to get set up. I split the tab with my platonic friends. But It’s sexy when the guy pays.
Married 38 years to my best friend. The last decade I was his caregiver. He died from a botched operation on Jan. 3, 2024. There were many people to talk to, but none better than my husband, a PhD in Clinical Psychology. He always said health is the first wealth and that includes mental health. Alone now, but fulfilled. Many things to sort out and create a beautiful life again.
My condolences 💐💙
Big hugs to you. 🤗
Best wishes to you on this second lap. It will be tough, but you are worth it.
Big big warm hugs. Inspired by your strength and grace. I hope to live a life as beautiful!
I’m so sorry for your loss!
"Before you describe someone as depressed check their not surrounded by assholes..." brilliant 👏
That’s a quote from Albert Einstein! It’s excellent
@@juliusfr4008Albert Einstein seriously?
It was brilliant. I agree
Sure did help with my depression. Getting A-holes out of my life was way more effective than any pill. 😅
they're*
I didn't marry my husband because i thought he'd be a good provider, I married him for his kindness, emotional support and love I've received over our many years together. ❤️
That’s beautiful! He is such a generous provider!
How much pressure did you have to endure against by your friends and family?
@@Tulsaistalking Why would anyone who loves and respects me have anything to say about what I choose to do with my life. I don't tolerate judgement from friends or family.
@@lauriesica yeah.. see you were able to handle the negative social pressure, so you made what is in fact an exceptional choice. Personally I think that's great and I love the idea that women like you are out there.
It might have come across differently but I was actually going for a bit of empathy
@@Tulsaistalking Thank you 😘 I see it this way. We only get one life and we get to choose how we live it & who we surround ourselves with, no matter my gender.
To the producers: THANK YOU FOR RECORDING ON HIGH DEFINITION AUDIO AND TOP-OF-RANGE VOLUME LEVELS
I had a boyfriend that told me that he felt useless since I was too independent. Could pay my bills, could talk get several budgets and fix my car etc…. it made me realize that even if I can do something I should also accept generosity / ask for help. It was challenging for me initially but now I feel its a way of allowing others to show love and for me to accept vulnerability as well.
I’m in very similar boat. I’m learning to let others help me. Single, but aware that once I have relationship again, I’ll have to let him do man stuff.
I'm 46 yo woman from Poland and I was never taught that man pays for woman. I thought it was already a past, and feminism changed the world. It's a hudge suprise for me. I always thought a pair splits their costs and shares responsibilities or the more rich person pays (whoever it is), if there's a big gap. I was never raised to be a "feminine woman" and was never attracted to "manly men". Of course now I'm single (alone, spinster) and still in shock what the hell is going on between sexes 😅
😂😂😂😂😂😂@@Zmiana_Pogody
I don't get that. They want woman to be weak, so they can control us. They want woman to make less money, so we are dependent on them and they have the power. If they want to be useful, they can cook, clean or do the dishes. If a man can not accept your independence, run girl!
@@Zmiana_Pogody I didn’t meant to say only men pays or do things for a women. I meant to accept to receive but also giveback of course.
My husband asked me at the first date “if he was allowed to pay for my coffee.” I never ordered more than one cup of coffee when I dated new people, not even a cake or biscuits. I liked his question and he said I ask because some women don’t like men to pay.
That’s why he married you and not the other women who tried to emasculate him. It’s ok for women to be in masculine but then they can’t complain masculine men don’t find them attractive. Feminine or even insecure men will love that and will stay with masculine women but don’t expect any romance! And the women will take the lead and usually end up staying single. It’s ok to be masculine in career but not in dating if you want a masculine man.
@@Lisa_M_V This has very little to do with being masculine tbh. You seem to be on that Elon Musk anti woke we have to go back 100 years kinda copium. The only reason to pay for a stranger would be if your financial situations are very different. Like shes broke af and you still wanna date or sth. I still view the man as provider in the long run, but wasting money on strangers when you got no clue where things are going isn't quiet masculine. The only reason this was ever a thing was because woman literally had no budget of their own in the past.
It's a good test. And more men should do this. If women can "test" men, so can men "test" women.
It is interesting that not everyone is exactly the same. One woman wants a man to pay on a date. Another woman doesn't. I'm glad you appreciated the question, it showed that your ow-husband didn't make assumptions but instead was curious about you as an individual. :)
"I never ordered more than one cup of coffee when I dated new people" - that is what i will teach my daughter!
I met my husband AT A BAR. Albeit, it was a nice bar. He and I both were not drinkers and came with a friend. He had one if his best friends with him and I had one of mine. The only space available to sit was next to them. We didn’t really talk… until we did. We ended up talking until the bar closed! 🤣 we both thought each one was lying about not drinking… to this day we laugh about it. Then we went on a date a few days later… we went on a hike and then to the beach. It was SO fun. We are total opposites, but laughed a lot together, love dogs, same musical foundations. He is 12 years older than me and I met him at 28. We have been together for almost ten years and have a son. I never wanted to marry and have kids and now that I’m here, I wouldn’t change it for the world! Sometimes we think we know what’s best for us…but the universe will unfold your path if you trust. Life is beautiful and I love my husband infinitely. He is my soulmate and the absolute best. I wish this love for everyone, it’s a dream!
Large age gaps are a big red flag.
Sure- for some. Depends on the motives and if either has unresolved trauma. For whatever reason, it works for us. Don’t jinx it. Lol!
Love your story!
Breaks the stereotypes like the one above. Truly glad you gave each other the opportunity.
@@athens31415 Really? Do you call 911 when you see how much older one partner is in a stranger's relationship?
i’ve noticed that people who prioritize chemistry and butterflies while dating are the least successful in landing long-term partners. as somebody who used to care more about “chemistry” when i was younger i realized after several failures that what people call chemistry tends to be reactivation of usually toxic bonding patterns we learned early in life. before i met my husband i decided to change the approach and do the exact opposite and started dating for personality, values and interests. i met my husband shortly after that. maybe i just got lucky, but i think that following same steps and expecting different results is madness. prioritizing things that actually matter for a long-term relationship helped me stayed congruent and reach my goal of finding a great partner.
I used to be the opposite. I always chose according to personality and not chemistry. I always ended up being “best friends” instead of sexually attracted.
@@blancasuave6658 Sexual attractiveness is chemistry. While a lot of people claim that the best relationship is when your partner is also your best friend.
Sounds like you were looking for a business partner 😂.
@@blancasuave6658 Exactly. You have to have attraction along with being aligned with values and what you both want out of life.
It’s hard to strike the right balance but there has to be friendship and chemistry.
I think a lot of people think they know what they want, but what they want isn't really what THEY want but rather is what society has taught them they SHOULD want. The ideal version of what something might be like is often very different from the reality of it once you actually experience it.
yes sadly what will my family think...
You're talking almost exclusively about women because what men want is generally universal regardless of if society says it's ok or not. Notice all men are attracted to youth and beauty and kindness even when society says ur a loser if you like that in women. It doesnt matter that's what they want on the inside.
Ladies on the other hand often want traits in men that can only be found in certain kinds of men. They look for them in men who could never have those traits.
Expectations exist when you yourself were an investment
Some people should have gotten married when younger, others shouldn't have gotten married. Possibly at all. Absolutist models aren't true for everyone. A friend wanting their friend to get married, too, can be operating out of love or just selfishness. Maybe someone needs and wants a good friend, a companion, and that's that. Heavy bias/judgment is against single individuals who never marry, as if all married people made good decisions? Hmpf.
So true. Many women are more worried about how others will think about them. This affects everything in their lives, but especially dating.
In 2010 The Guardian UK newspaper ran a story about Lori. She was, back then, a 43 year old single mother who, in her own words, "desperately wants to marry." In fact she had desperately wanted to marry for the previous 13 years. She is now 56. And unmarried. And she is giving young women relationship advice.
Some incredible context, thank you. She gave ME the ick
She is a psychotherapist. They "give
advice" based on their education not personal experience. We have friends for that😉
@@sashad.7722 She gives advice based on her feelings. She directly and indirectly stated that multiple times. On top of that, psychotherapy is female-dominated and extremely biased.
@@sashad.7722 I'm an engineer. I give engineering advice based on ~how I feel~ (EDIT: based on my personal experiences). ~How I feel~ (EDIT: My personal experiences) at the time is a result of my education AND previous experiences. This is a human thing to do that ALL humans (especially professionals) do.
I don't see how a psychotherapist is above being human.
@jimbombadill327 I thought good engineers gave advice and made decisions based on math and scientific principles.
So... why exactly are young men expected to pay on a first date? She literally explained that it's irrational and that if she were to try to explain it rationally she would talk herself out of it.
Therefore it's a nonsensical expectation that shouldn't still exist, but still does. Thanks to women like her that still propogate it without even believing in it because, well, it benefits them. Thanks for your honestly, at the least.
It is some sort of ingrained expectation from society and learned behavior while we grow up. Just like some women are put off by men not paying a lot of men are put off by women working in the same field as them but in a much higher position. Men somehow feel insecure if their partner calls the big shots, earns much more and has more people she leads than him. Rationally it doesn't make sense why she should be less attractive to the majority of men. But it is an ingrained expectation that women are led by men. Not that women lead men.
@@randomgal Women don't respect subordinate men as husbands. They're 'insecure' for a reason.
Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a thing, isn't it?
they don't want to give up on expectation when it favors feminism.
"so a man needs more money?"
"yes" (but also give me equal pay!)
basically every guy with regular jobs are being undateable to these feminists.
@@randomgalWomen are too insecure to go outside without certain clothes or painting their faces, you calling men insecure? 🤣
My son is 39 next month. He has had his heart broken terribly twice. The first one he was with for 5 years, they were engaged. Turned out she was 14 years older than he, was divorced with two children that were in the custody of the father. We were all in shock. She really looked 28, he was 21 when they met. It was really hard on him, but the whole family was in shock. She was like 40, almost felt like she was a pedophile. The. Second one got pregnant, now he was 32. He was raised right, he got her a diamond and arranged a nice meal, she stood him up. Her mother injected herself into the picture and was in the delivery room, he said he felt pushed away.
After three months of him spending the weekends with the baby and the Mom and her two sons from a previous relationship, she told him that he was not the father. Now, he had bonded with the baby and developed feelings for the whole family, again shock and heart break.
I pray that he finds someone who will really love him
He is tall and handsome with his own electric company. He owns his home. He has a lot to offer. 😕💔
Your son needs therapy sound like he can’t see the red flags and is a people pleaser. No more Mister Nice Guy would be a good book or the way of the superior man to help him understand the games women play
sorry to hear. I hope he finds a person who values him back.
Maybe still he holds the values this parents were having 40 years ago. The world has changed. Maybe he receives false validation, which was important for the ones giving that validatuon to.
Carol honey stop telling people your kids business
They were engaged and together for 5 years and he never saw an ID of her once when going out, travelling etc.? They lived together? Put down details but this never came up? He asked her about childhood memories and it wasn't apparent that he can't relate hers and that she was growing up before internet times? He seems quite naive. Maybe overly protected?
I read her book in my mid-twenties. She’s the reason I married my husband. This lady changed my life in so many positive ways 🙏🏽
which book
which book?
I think “Marry Him” is what they’re talking about
Wow epic! ❤️
Yes. Marry Him. It was a good book that really helped me see how I believed a lot of lies from RomComs and marketing.
My husband has a strong need to be the provider, the protector and he takes his role very seriously. I do work and my income contributes to our household but I'd never try to take the role he feels so strongly about away by power struggles. He's the head of the family and until he needs me to step in, I respect that part of him. He has his role and I have mine. Just remember to communicate, be good listeners, try to LIVE SIMPLY and enjoy the time you have together because life(time) goes by too fast.
You sound like the perfect woman in modern times! Contribute. But for the sake of mutual happines, let the man be a man, and the woman should find happiness in being the woman and not trying to usurp the man's role.
I love that. Does he help around the house and is he emotionally open?
As a guy, if a girl is *expecting* me to pay for a first date, that's an ick for me
Same here, but no one ever acknowledges it.
Probably the same type of woman who expects an expensive engagement ring.
@@AnteLeneunfortunately men's opinions aren't valued & but are just ignored
Husband & I met when we were 36. 6 yrs later going strong. Both had different but profound sorrows in previous life which allowed us to know what matters: loyalty, kindness, need for the other, & dedication through thick & thin.
Unfortunately, listening to this guest circle on how paying for the cheque is a deal breaker but tap water isn’t. She’s nicely spun the narrative to what suites her beliefs. She felt like a huge contradiction, which she did somewhat agree on.
This one isn’t for me sadly.
Absolutely agreed.
She did admit to identifying as a feminist so no surprises there.
I agree so much
She did actually cast doubt on the person who dares order tap water, "Maybe they are cheap", but then concludes that maybe you can give them another chance. What a loaded word. What if they don't think spending $10 for a bottle of water, that cost 20 cents to make, is a good deal. If my date orders tap water, I would immediately think them to be smart.
Well yeah she's still a woman, dont ever expect accountability and straight forward thinking. if you find these in a woman she's a rare gem indeed. Like my wife =)
I like how the therapist said that it’s so important to talk about each person’s role in a relationship while dating. Communication is key.
I do not believe in dating. It is information-seeking at best and experimental sex at worst.
Meeting people in a context of living is more natural and anxiety-free, as there are repeated encounters and the presence of others, usually in daytime.
Many pitfalls are avoided, from disappointment to heartbreak. The library, games or sports at the park, a workshop or class, hiking groups, scrabble groups, the
list is long. Put aside the psychology books, take a break from therapy, and take action! Worked for me.
It sounds nice, but once the man starts to take the lesser role, the relationship ends because there’s no feeling of “safety”. She also didn’t like when there’s a power imbalance. Every relationship has a power imbalance.
Just fart and 😁
not just talking about it, but observing if he actually can do what he said he will, like he told you he'll contribute to keeping the house clean, you should observe if he's been keeping his own place clean while he's single
sure lets reinvent the wheel, she went through this whole podcast without uttering the word biology. She thinks everything is a social construct, so pathetic lmao.
Random but can t help it: The way he says: "bar" and "before" is sooo soft and soothing and soooo lovely...
My husband and I really disliked each other in the beginning. We were always mean and rude to each other. We've been happily married for 30 years. We still argue but it's much more fun now. Lol
based
I'm only a few years into my relationship and it got really toxic around the 2 year mark. I feel like were having a sort of 2nd honeymoon phase now though as we've really been putting a lot of effort into being honest about our own individual shortcomings and always trying to come up with new ways to keep things interesting and not get too comfortable. We can't afford counseling for the time being but we've been doing as much as we can with what we currently have available. Everything is getting better and more sustainable lately. I'm so glad we stayed together through the bad periods because it's been so worth it. I fall more deeply in love with her everyday.
I just don't want to ever have to date again. Staying with one person makes everything so much less complicated and we really understand each other now in a way that couldn't have ever happened if we just gave up like most couples nowadays.
A few nights of rolling on MDMA together didn't hurt either lol
The problem is we are making romantic relationships transactional instead of focusing on creating true friendship. Friendship is critical. My husband of 17 years is my best friend, no matter what we only want the best for each other and can literally take a bullet for each other.
How many women are having sex wit men that they are SEXUALLY attracted to and didn't have to be their friend first ??! The problem wit your statement is that women LIE.
All relationships are transactional, and your partner should also be your best friend.
A woman would NEVER take a bullet for a man. Women will never love men that way. Women would only take a bullet for their children.
Terrible plan. Who do you go to if his behavior changes or he is in the hospital in a coma?
parents family etc@@robertd9850
Here in the Netherlands it's quite normal to split the bill, even on the first date. It's a nice gesture if the guy wants to pay but it isn't a red flag if he wants to split the bill.
The expression 'going Dutch' for bill splitting says it all ✌️
if only more women had this realistic approach
@@Karll541 They do. In Germany it's the same. And I suspect it's similar in many other European countries. This seems very much a cultural norm, that isn't an inherent thing at all. I was quite surprised, when I first learned that for Americans these things are not only normal but often expected and not adhering to these practices is judged quite harshly by a lot of people. I honestly wasn't aware, that in western societies there were still such social rules at play when before I only had heard of these things in the framework of what previous generations used to do. Goes to show, how we are all very much deeply influenced by our own culture in what we see as normal and think how things should be done.
I like that you state what is common in your place / country
Dutch but in the UK for the past 20+ years: my reaction to both their attitudes on paying/not paying for everything on a date (first or otherwise) seems entirely alien, and her saying it's almost offensive seems utterly ridiculous. I figure this must be a US thing culturally
This woman is what is wrong with dating culture. Renowned blah blah blah, therapist this, pscho that.
Just because she's smiling and acting nice doesn't change what she is saying.
She said it depends on the individual when asked about expectations. That's absurd and everyone knows it. When asked about paying for dinner, she gives a definitive answer.
I wish I would have known this stuff 20 years ago. I would be so much further as a man than I am now.
I wasted my time and money trying to start a family and failing miserably. 5 years ago, I took my pocket change and started a business.
It's really difficult, but it's possible to learn.
When working with investments or ideas, failures make sense. You learn from them.
Dating is beyond confusing. Sometimes individualism, sometimes treat every woman the same
I always listen to these in the car during my commute. She has a very pleasant voice.
Most people do not want to put the work in that it takes to sustain a relationship. People are real quick to throw in the towel. Social media plays a huge part in this. To many options. People don’t take the time to really get to know each other. It’s on to the next one! SMH!
I think the issue is that people don't know how to communicate anymore, and are not always very skilled with emotional intelligence... hence every small bump in the road becomes bigger than it needs to, and people who might have started compatible don't know how to maintain it as both evolve and change over time.
Atomization of society. Social skills and resilience in decline. Neuroticism/anxiety on the rise. Dating and sustaining relationships is too draining for more and more people.
coz of course ppl never bashed or abused verbally or physically, never controlled money, or een murdered their partners or divorced them before social media.. puh leese. you didnt hear about it is all.
Brilliant point! 👏🏻👏🏻
Most women today don't have the tools (modeling) to remain in a relationship. At least a quarter of American women were raised during their formative years in broken, single-parent homes. Many of those who didn't grew up with parents who had a dysfunctional relationship. It's no wonder that women today choose their husband and then choose to leave most of the time. They're repeating the cycle.
As a woman who believes in equal pay for equal work I do not understand how expecting a man to pay on the first date is fair or furthering a woman's desire to be treated as an equal. I am fine if the man really wants to pay but I would like Lori to give me a rational reason why she believes this is essential and if she would feel slighted if an employer would pay her less because she is a woman? I do not see the logic in expecting the man to pay just because he is a man? Thank you.
All I know is when I was getting into dating I didn't want to go for a man with a lot of money. I was taught not to be a gold digger (by Disney movies like Aladdin) (I had 0 guidance from parents on how to choose) I always tried to show I could take care of myself and I had a hard time letting a man do nice things for me that cost money.
Surprise surprise I only attracted leeches. Men who didn't know how to be responsible and take care of even basic adult things.
💯 I think this can be a character issue but not specific to men. What would Lori say about women who make more money than the man they are going on a date with and yet expect the man to pay. How does that then translate to a relationship, to her point, where roles may be different depending on circumstances at the time? What if the woman has an incredible career she loves or inherited a company from her family and her husband agreed to be a stay home dad? As a woman, I see absolutely no issues with splitting the bill ESPECIALLY on a first date. If I was a man I would not want to go all out on a first date on a woman whom I don’t even know her character
I am 54, divorced. There is no such a thing as equal woman and man.
This woke idea has left men confused and lost as to their role. Him paying for a first or whichever date was never about the money or cost of it, it's a gesture / chilvery that demonstrates his interest in the woman and A date doesn't have to cost money however we don't live in a free world do we? It's a gesture to woo the woman, to create a romantic atmosphere. A type of date and environment set the mood and pace. A coffee vs lunch vs dinner, walk in the park vs picnic, movie, all could yield different result, determining whether you go home with the woman or not, even whether you get a kiss at the end of the date or not.
People are just too focused on the cash component of it, overthinking and complicating the whole dating process.
I am not equal to a man, nor want to be, that doesn't mean I want to be dominated and abused but i know my place in a relationship as much as I am strong and independent.
He's the head or I make him feel like the head and i am his support even though i am actually leading period 😅
The gender pay gap is over and especially among young people in major cities, women make more money than men. Inequality in academics today is only about how boys are behind girls. Young women are much more financially independent from their parents than men.
You already know the answer to this. These things like the man paying is an advantage that the patriarchy gives to women and women don’t want to give up. Therefore most women don’t want equality. That’s fine because relationships don’t work around seeking equality. All the masculine feminine role bs that podcast people always talk about is just true
She’s not a therapist. She’s a therapist for women and feminists.
Never heard so many double standards from a “professional” in my life.
She didn't even justify them. It was all prevarication with an attitude of "well that's just how it is because that's how I feel." She is the image of the most woman.
TBH most of the men don’t need therapy, it’s the women who needs it the most. There a ton of money to make being a therapist. Not saying do a disservice, talk therapy or most of the modern therapies are designed for women, because they are f kd up in their heads.
Men hasn’t changed much, it’s the women who changed soo much men can’t even relate to them anymore.
As a woman, I do not claim her. Everything she had declared ingrained or a healthy normalcy of a woman is my nightmare incarnation to the point of me asking if she is even real.
- I'm a feminist! If the man doesn't pay on the first date it's a deal breaker!!!! LMAO.
Am I the only one that paid attention????? she first said we make mental gymnastics to try and justify our stupid "ICKS", and then she goes on her own mental gymnastics to justify not accepting the Man not paying on dates!!! are you serious lady???? Question: Who has higher expectations typically, men or women? "depends on the person"...and then goes on to explain how women will never lower their standards but men will. Have some balls, stop being politically correct, and call it for what it is.
Apart from a few clear signs of cognitive dissonance, she does a wonderfull job explaining in a simple way why we do the things we do, and how the modern world is setting us up for failure. I got the book and will try to keep an open mind when reading it.
I noticed that too.
My Wife and I have been together for almost 2 years and we're in our mid-thirties. I'm grateful I waited to get married and really understand what I wanted from a relationship and marriage.
Sex is only a fraction of the relationship, you're not going to have sex with someone everyday of your marriage or relationship.
VALUES. Flexibility, emotional maturity, and understanding of one another's needs is so important and the rest will fall in line.
It's important that you understand, though... that women are VERY demanding by nature and want the best of the best of everything. They are easily satisfied with the very best of everything. A man is generally quite satisfied with just having a partner when it comes to sex. Someone who is present, reasonably enthusiastic, and giving in bed... this kind of woman is just fine for a man. NOT the case with women though. They lay their own good time (and climax) at the feet of a man and will often say that "he didn't make me finish" or words to that effect. For a woman- if the sex is good, then it's 30% of the relationship, but if it's NOT good... then that represents 80% of the relationship.
Good, but u still have a long run. honeymoon.
Good luck. Many men are totally surprised when their wife suddenly changes, starts withholding sex and affection and starts disrespecting him.
All downhill from here. Especially when you said “you’re not going to have sex everyday”. She’s already speaking through your words, accepting her leaving you.
True values are a big one
I just started dating again after being single for 5 and a half years, took time out to concentrate on my self healing journey. I am 41 so looking forward to listening to this to learn. Thanks
Hey stranger. have a nice day with your new relationship.
@@NonoNana-et9we oh thats very sweet. Thank you
I am 41 and didn't date for 8 years. Healing journey. All the best to you!
@@spaceforthesoul6286 Thank you. Right back at you, best of luck on your continuous journey. X
I'm curious if not dating for that many years put any pressure on you regarding missing the window to have kids? No issue with deciding for a childfree life but I'm curious. Especially as someone mid/end thirties wanting kids and looking for a wonderful life partner
It is EXTREMELY RARE to find a High achieving woman, happy, working in her chosen high pressure profession whom has retained her natural god given femininity. This I believe is the problem with career focused women who also want and expect the full family life at the same time.
they are not aware of the sacrifice she is doing.
man must chose between this job or that job
woman must chose between job or family, and traditional feminism has pushed women into job AND family. and if you can't do both? independent boss babe.
I dated in the late 50s to early 60s. The culture was different then. My wife was 22 and I was 28. Neither of us had a lot of dating experience. But I had more than she did. My life was interrupted by required service in the military. And I wasn't ready for marriage until I could support a family. We married after I graduated from college and we celebrated 60 years in Nov. 2023. I paid for everything since that was the expectation back then. The chaos in the dating scene today leaves me speechless.
My wife told me something I will never forget. She said “when I was young I craved to be loved and wanted someone to love me”. Now she was brought up in a loving home and so was I but for her to share that as her husband is something I never forgot. Like all couples we have gone through some great times and some very hard times together and maybe some things that would have separated us but I always come back to that powerful statement she made clear to me. David S
mm?.. I like this
About heartbreak, you not only lose the present and the imagined future with your partner. You lose the celebrations of past memories together. When you move on to the next relationship you can’t exactly have framed photos up of your time together with your ex’s. It’s SO hard 😢 to get through.
I learned that good relationships are built when each one knows about the type of love language the other partner needs. I learned that in couples therapy.
Superb conversation. I have listened to Lori before and loved every single moment of it. So much true, as we women go into menopause it truly makes us realise we do not live forever. In general being a woman we tend to put other needs before ours. Now it changes. I am single and have been single for a while. Love a partner in a MATURE way, not having to take care of ‘his’ needs, I feel so grateful that we get to hear more and more about menopause. I do not wanna talk bad about men. Unfortunately in my age range, some men have not worked on themselves. Am in my late 50’s, still active and wanting to learn / do a lot. It would be superb to meet a man who is still passionate about life. Thanks for this superb talk 🙏💛🌷. Ps : Steve I LOVE the way you ask Q 🙏🙏🙏
My husband and I were 20 and 19 respectively when we married. It's been 54+ years and we still laugh together. It has certainly been difficult at times and there have been many transitions. We are from very different family dynamics and that created many incompatible expectations; however, we are happier now than ever, even though both of us have health issues that are causing struggles. I think neither of us felt that divorce was ever an option, so we 'hung in there', knowing that given time and space, most problems become insignificant and compromises can be found.
G-d bless you, Ma'am.
Glad you’re both happy, relationships are wonderful but yes they’re also still work and it’s important to continue to put the effort in.
This woman is all over the place. She agrees about gender role changes and a lot of changes in modern dating but won’t budge on the guy paying for a dates, or in particular, the $5 coffee story? After she spent so much time about how these women may have missed out because of a dumb Austin Powers line, a cringey joke or something. How about missing out because of an $5 coffee and how you chose to frame it. Unbelievable.
Agreed. Modern feminists want it all.
She said she's a feminist, they want all the nice conveniences but none of the accountability.
@@Malinkadinkas a feminist, I strongly disagree with this lady and agree with splitting bills. please, don't think all feminists are like her
She'll get the nice part up front. The accountability part comes later.@@Malinkadink
Define feminist.@@polinas.7969
Huge Ick for you. Easy for you to say. Always paying for EVERYTHING gets real expensive. I see no problem paying after a mutual interest is established.
Lori Gottlieb conceived a son by way of IVF and is not married. No shade against her, but I believe that marriage and relationship counselors should be viewed in their context to show tht they walk to the talk. She has some valuable gems, but at times she left me asking "well how do I apply this to my own life?", but without citing her own experiences, it is hard for me to take her ideas with more than a grain of salt.
Super telling that she hasn’t been able to form a successful pair bond but still proclaims herself an expert on relationships. Some of her advice was good, but a lot of it was bunk and showed limited self-reflection.
She's the equivalent of a morbidly obese personal trainer / dietician.
I've brought up Barry Schwartz's Paradox of Choice so many times in regards to the problems people have in modern dating. The perception of endless choice means people either can't decide or are dissatisfied with the choices they make. I'm glad someone else is making this point.
People need to get off of online dating & return to organic dating. Yes, we are around people in the real world, it is possible to meet people the old fashioned way.
@@mtngrl5859 Nope, it's not possible anymore for men to approach women in real life. Me too movement, harassment laws, men shamed and laughed at when trying to approach if they are not Chads, chivalry killed by feminists, and so on. The only safe option is online dating.
On their 50th anniversary, Daddy asked Mama if she had ever regretted marrying him. She replied firmly in the negative. Then he pushed his luck, and asked her if she'd ever thought she could have done better. She turned from the stove where she was making breakfast and fixed him with her gaze. "There was a war on, you know."
Gatdamn! 🤣
so the answer was no.
Whoa
Slim pickings 😊
Pure gold!
The “paying the bill” is also cultural, I’m Dutch & my husband is German. In our culture the person who asked the other pays or the highest earner/person that can miss it most easily. Splitting is also common and an expected question, it just isn’t that big of a deal in our cultures.
My spouse and I got married at 22 & 27 at 10/10/22. We’ve both been through a lot in life so we were ready. Most people around my age simply didn’t have to ask themselves hard hitting questions about their role in the family, picking up more responsibilities due to necessity, etc. Live before you get married, but having profound trauma accelerates your mental ageing a lot of the time
Did anyone else find it noteworthy that she didn't articulate why a man not paying for the first date is a turn off?
I've noticed all the guys I work with that are successful and have "high powered jobs", none of them are looking for or have a high powered girlfriend / wife. They all want someone who is just chill that they can relax with when they get home.
Most men in a traditional husband role want a nurturing, loving partner, that will provide a place to rest and recover from daily grind. In short, a wife who can also be a homemaker and support system.
Mommy to take care of the house. Rake leaves and dust.😮
@@EricJGonzalezthey want a mama and a maid
@@spursfan5742And you will be neither because you're allergic to naturing and love a dirty house. After all every man wants their mother for a wife and cleaning. The educated woman knows it best. Her degree and education will take care of the mothering and cleaning.😅😅😅😅 If you don't stop the fuckery.....come again and come correct
@@spursfan5742 and the women want a daddy and a bodyguard. why so bitter?
So practically, the ppl who don't marry between 28-32 they don't have any chance for a good relationship? This is also my case and because I had a really traumatic childhood, it took me a while to heal and be able to think of a better life. And now when I FINALLY feel better at 36, Lori tells me that I PROBABLY lost my chance of a happy relationship? lovely
I personally have had three friends who got married in their late forties to early fifties. They are doing great.Had a chance to work on life. It's all in your thinking. I think the older you are, the more mature you are, the less likely you are to just leave.
Don't believe in that BS. You did the work to heal and are probably more likely to have a lasting relationship than people today in their 20's who don't know who they are or what they want. Stats don't account for individuals.
Maybe the marriages are not evaluated against how many of them was before. Many of the first marriages as young will not be continued, as life might go in different direction, it was only the first love, one of the partners suddenly have access to the whole market. Etc.
It's never too late to find someone
They talked about statistics, they didn't say that it's the case for everyone
I believe that a man offering to pay is gentlemanly and shows generosity.. both very attractive traits. I also think it is very important to observe how he treats the server or other people. I have paid several times, but in most cases, these scenarios end up being uneven relationships in areas more than finances.
I do not think this therapist understand the bigger issue behind the "it is just a 5 dollar coffee". I understand it like this: I feel entitled that if you are in my presence (and you had a good time) you pay my coffee. I dont like that. Assuming the men pays is like assume the women will have sex after every date. The first part people think is normal, yet the second part horrifies people... *sigh humans.
Patriarchy by Feminist specifications. The man is a bank, the woman is the *manager*.
Hi Steven. You often write that they're "No. 1" in their field. What is the background for that? Can it really be true?
Interesting comment
I wouldn't read into it too much, I just think it's Barto and the team hyping up the episode
Just look at how the interviews are edited.. this is called "selling the idea".. he's a salesman.. if he said that she's the number 16th ranking author on Divorce, would you still have clicked? If you want unbiased interviews without these flashy teaser intros that uncomfortably compel you to watch, I found Lex Fridman to be way easier on the palate..
Probably similar to getting a best seller. Every book is a best seller not because its selling super well but because of background mechanisms.
@@hvanmegen I know right?
Salesman 101, Sell them a dream and idea, the best of its class regardless if it's right or wrong, captivate them in marketing and they will buy your products even if the competitors sell better quality
Example [iPhone]
Steven straight up getting his friends’ lives figured out for them via epic professional guests. I love it so much. ❤️🧠💪🏼
Epic professional who couldn't even follow her own advice?
She's 54 and never been married?
@@cameronbell415 Is that true? Hilarious, if it is!
@@cameronbell415 Marriage isn’t for everyone. Judge much? Peace 😊
@@FreckledGemini ''Marriage isn’t for everyone''💯👏
I cannot finish watching this. Expecting a man to pay on a first date, is ridiculous. I am a woman, I don't give a shit if we split the bill on a first date. We are two strangers and I think it's disrespectful to expect someone else to pay for what I consumed. If he offer to pay, I'd accept it and offer to cover the next bill, but if they only pay their part, that's a fair deal. If we are in line for coffee sometimes the server would mainly speak to me and I'd just pay both. What matters then to me is the mans reaction: do they say thank you? Do they offer to get the next coffee? Are they embarrassed? That's the kind of info I need about a person I just met.
12 years of marriage was like prison. Locked in a cell with someone that was never happy, always complaining, negative…never mind the legal contract of marriage and what divorce does to men.
At 63, I finally met the love of my life. He is younger than me and a smart & generous chivalrous man.
Good for you!❤
How long?🤔🫠Time?
Congrats lots of love from India
You go girl 🎉
Do whatever you need to do to learn computer skills. Lol. Have fun.
I am so glad there are people in the comment sections just proving that YOU CAN NEVER PROVE STATISTICALLY WHAT WILL WORK AND WHAT WONT WORK. Live your life people.
Your right! 🙏
BRAVO!!!! Exactly what I believe. Anyway…. It’s okay to have conversation. But if research had been done what was the population that she studied? And in what specific timeframe. No one can make such blanket generalities.
Because statistics show a probability between 0% and 100%. If it were actually 0% or 100%, it would prove statistically what works and what doesn't.
That's simple math.
Thank you! Notice how *you* feel and act on that, instead of pretending there are social rules that you must follow even if they piss you off or feel awkward or whatever.
I love her, she's so smart. The way she talks and explains things is just so good, I find myself in many of the situations she's given.
I really appreciate hearing these perspectives. thank you.
Listening to this more, I think the most difficult thing a woman has to come to terms with in dating men, is that the best men in some cases (far from all), are men working relatively low wage jobs, that are important to the community.
If you want a man who will emotionally support you, you will have to believe in him and emotionally support him.
And where do you find him? The jobs that make the community function, that are low paying often. Blue collar jobs, trade school jobs, maybe even working at a charity part time.
Find the men who care about their community, and you will find a man who will care about you, and your children.
I think we’re drowning in pornography and overly romantic art as a society. Love and sex are our weaknesses, so they are easy to sell. But we definitely need a change from a lot of things in our economy. I’ve been watching so many of your videos, Steven, and by this point I feel like the Western world is going through a crisis that looks good on the outside, but is what it is on the inside. I come from Romania, a very lively country, where people are open to each other and more family oriented than driven by the perfect romance and the perfect career. I’m not saying everything is perfect there, but at least you can pour your heart out to just about anyone. We look each other in the eyes and we joke around a lot, things are never too formal and our emotional lives are not a taboo, nor our opinions, whether politically correct or incorrect. I notice that the further West I look, the more perfectionism I see and the more enemy like ways of relating to one another. I don’t know what it is about being Latins that made us the way we are, but I thank God often for it. Maybe you could invite some Sociologists, Anthropologists and Historians too, or intellectuals and professionals from other European countries as well!
Thank you for the episode and good luck with whatever you want to do next!
So agree! This country and culture is incredibly fantasy-oriented and simplistic, like children. Under-developed mentally and traumatized (abandoned) emotionally. But this is a generalization, there are exceptions. For a few weeks I went down a rabbit-hole watching Russian romance movies on youtube. Omg. There was, firstly, beauty. Beauty in the villages, the cluttered and cozy homes, beauty in interactions among family members. Old-world humanity we long for but are blocked by prejudice. Yes, open it up, Steven!
@@TwisterTornadoexactly!!!!!
you forgot to mention onlyfans, and social media
@@TwisterTornado Literally all RnB is about sex and sparks.
We aren’t drowning in romantic art… My grandpa’s were two of the most romantic men ever and yet the reality is that it was COMMON then lol… Only reason movies seem over the top now is because as a society the people everywhere are not… My grandpa custom designed and had my grandmother’s wedding band made just for her… He CARVED A JEWELRY BOX OUT OF WOOD to place the embroidered handkerchief his mother made for her as something blue and the cross necklace he would be giving her… That was just their wedding rings and wedding day… One set of grandparents not even going to bring up the other… People now are LOST lol
I love Lori Gottlieb. I read her book, Marry Him, so glad you have her on. Her book IS still very relevant. I recommended it to any woman over 30, never married, no kids, and wants them.
thank you for this amazing one! amazing information, I'm always happy to hear about beautiful relationships in commentaries, I think the world is a messy place. but having a good partner, imperfect - cause we all are, to live our life with, is truly amazing.
I loved her book "maybe you should talk to someone"
I'm really uncomfortable with how she glossed over, "that woman has been taught to fear men who are emotionally vulnerable by society." I got the vibe she pulled a punch or two in that statement and Id really like to hear the rest of her thoughts on this.
The contradiction on the paying for the first date says it all. Until there is a rationale answer for that, there is no solution. Just speculation and theory. You can't idealiz things in favor for one individual and just assume the other person should be OK doing more for less.
I'm glad she was at least honest about that part n not babbling about it.
Simple, if you are ok with being a prostitute and being treated like one and treating yourself like one, then expect men to pay. Women can't be independent while also demanding men subsidize everything about their life.
Absolutley love her! so glad I ran into this inverview. Thank you!
Sure you love her. It's all about you
Please learn from her. Maybe you can also be a single mom one day…
Big L. The irony of subscribing for the Dr. K interview and then unsubbing to an interview that demonstrates his exact point
I've been watching Diary of a CEO podcasts for about 2 and a half years. I don't understand how there can be anyone that does not watch these podcasts. Every episode, whether you like the guest or not, if you keep an open mind, you will learn so much. I don't agree with everything any one person says, but I have learned so much from every episode. I am an online English Tutor and I have been using these podcasts to create lesson plans that are interesting and thought-provoking. Also, who needs a therapist when you have the Diary of a CEO?! Always keeping it fresh and choosing current topics! Absolutely amazing work Steven! I look forward to your future episodes! Never stop!
If you know this already, there's nothing to learn. You just find out that they are just humans and have just opinions, nothing more. On podcasts like these what they share can be put into 2 categories, one is the studies they recite, which usually accurately reflect reality, and the other category is their opinion that fill the gaps whenever the science doesn't have the answers yet. And unfortunately in most cases, or all cases when the guests aren't clinical psychologists, this 2nd category is full of wishful thinking and utter nonsense that people suck up anyway.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. While I understand the limitations of opinions shared on podcasts, I still find it valuable and am open to the insights that guests share. I believe it is important to be open-minded and listen to others' opinions even if it does not align with mine. Doing this allows me to broaden my understanding, challenge my beliefs, and have empathy for others. It can help many people form deeper connections with others and develop themselves. If you watch any podcast and blindly believe everything, or if you reject everything because you think you know it all, then you are learning nothing. Everyone can teach us something whether we agree with them or not. Even you can teach people how to be skeptical and aware of personal biases. So that's great!
@@rebekahjohnson9780 Well, maybe that's what I'm trying to do, teach people to be skeptical. On one hand you're right, it's good to be open minded, but on the other hand in an attempt to be open minded people become susceptible to misinformation. And that's what I see, when there's someone on a podcast that says a lot of nonsense between his good advice, I don't see people being critical in the comments, or discussing the stuff they don't agree with. They have equally as much praise for him as for the other person that barely said any nonsense.
Because his face is very punchable…..that’s why.
I personally feel that, when people experience another person understanding them, it is a security sensation of that connections. And I feel if we can take the time to understand a small portion of someone outside yourself daily, empathy can be learned which in return can really help build humanity back into the world
If you decide that someone is not interested in you just because he didn’t pay for you, that means you are not interested in him as a person.
If you decide that someone is not worth meeting again just because he didn’t pay for you, you don’t care about his personality. Only his wallet matters for you.
It’s possible he was setting it up as a test and she failed it. Just as he failed her ‘test’. But it didn’t have to be that way if they were both willing to leave their ‘tests’ at the door. I doubt that it was even their idea to use these behaviours as measures of individual value. It’s like they are set up to fail by the outsiders (like this therapist) who reify their attitudes. Relationships are minefields and there are millions of people who will sit on the sidelines and give advice to these unfortunate young people who are just trying to find a connection in this crazy world. Even when - or especially when - they have no skin in the game. Maybe the best advice is to always be working on yourself as you get older.
If a man doesn’t pay, he is probably greedy and it’s very hard to live all life with extremely stingy men. Women don’t care about money and then all life suffer with a stingy man who doesn’t allow her to spend even her own money. Better to avoid such sadness and stingy men. Stingy men can be poor and rich, they are both miserable.
@@sunbox4700 Sure. It’s understable. Most men don’t want to live with stingy women eighter.
However after meeting someone only once, you know almost nothing about him, and deciding that someone is stingy, or even worse, unsafe, only because he didn’t pay for your coffee, is very shallow in my opinion. There is no intention of knowing the person here.
People have different values. What is important for you, may be insignificant for other. Most women I know prefer to pay for themselves because they don’t like to rely on others, and want to be more independent. I usually don’t pay for them, because I value their opinions, not because I’m stingy or unsafe.
@@sunbox4700 Women who want someone else to pay for a date are probably gold diggers as well.
@@sunbox4700 How dare a man be responsible with money. The tenacity.
Why is an unmarried woman being asked about marriage
So good. I think asking "Why?" is so important to bring understanding and also healthy to make sure we're not walking into asumption.
This channel is great not only for the guests but also the interviewer. You're so calm & collected & ask great yet simple questions ❤
I love all of the DOAC podcasts even if I don’t agree with every opinion on there - they’re so great for deep thinking and insights. I find Steven to be an excellent interviewer - on this occasion I found his questions on relationships quite one dimensional. I.e. there were a lot of questions like this ‘who does [x] behaviour more - Men or women?’
Relationships are much more layered and complex than just M/F roles so I was left wanting more after this conversation. I felt the same after the Esther Perel episode. I hope that Steven can reflect on this and understand how his questions could be even better moving forward. That being said he’s my favourite interviewer that I’ve found so far. Keep up the great work and amazing guests!!!
1:33:18 people try to minimize and cheer you up. they won’t sit with you in your loss and acknowledge you. And that’s what people really need is to validate how profound that loss is, even if it’s a break up.
1:39:11 Our purpose in life is to live and be loved. Babies who aren’t loved and held, because they weren’t held or loved. Failure to thrive, human reality shows us it’s about the basics. Not success and self indulgence.
I've been with my husband since we were both seniors in high school. We've grown a lot as a couple and as people. We had a major down about 5 years ago. Went to counseling and we both put in the work. We are doing better than ever now. Our communication is the best it has ever been and it has helped our relationship a lot. We've been together almost 20 years now. I chose him and he chose me. We've made so many memories together way back in middle school. We are vulnerable with each and have created a safe space at home to express ourselves. He does well expressing his feelings but I don't. I've been working on it.
No one cares
@@DiegoBrigante that's cool
@@DiegoBriganteI do.
@@jarrodvisneski4671 simp
Beautiful
Early bird around here! Greetings from a venezuelan living in Perú, glad to find your Podcast!
❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘
Listening to her memoir on Audible now, love her!!
That study on marriage age was based on data from 15-20 years ago. Generally, studies on social science stuff is best when its recent.
The dating and relationship environment has changed a hell of a lot since that study, I wouldn't read too much into it
Great interview. I respect Lori as a therapist, and this interview also brought out her personal biases and values, which is the reality of therapists too. Thats why it’s good to get different perspectives, even from people who’s career is to “help people”
I love how she acknowledged her biases as biases. It was great to see her not try to brush them under the rug or assert that they aren't just opinions.
It could also explain why men in general are averse to counselling. Are counsellors predisposed to be biased towards women. It would make good business sense as women are the majority customers
@@DrWuDoc catch 22, why are men not going to talk about their problems?!
@@constantin-adrianprisecari5379 they do talk but not in the same way as women. Firstly, we generally prefer to talk to other men, we also like talking whilst working towards a common goal eg after play or watching sports or at the barbers. Until we change this overtly feminised counselling industry. Men “won’t talk”!
@@constantin-adrianprisecari5379 I forgot, when men talk they are often shamed & marginalised. Manosphere, Redpill etc. For balance, I don’t agree with all their talking points but these groups aren’t exactly looked at positively! In fact, the Redpill docu-film by Cassie Jaye was censored.
When the person interviewed stated she’d be offended and not go on a second date if the male didn’t pay immediately lost my attention. I think going Dutch on a first date prevents anyone from feeling obligated, it’s more laid back and allows the ability to just focus on the date.
Her opinion on this is bad and irrational and she admits that but placing importance on money in any direction is annoying and kills the mood. Just pay and move on.
If the girl wants to pay it is a whole other thing and much more common today when young women in major cities make more than young men.
just a $20-30 bill will make someone feel obligated...? eh like how
@@shadesofthecityky8082 because you are not getting second date otherwise? hello?
Exactly, the older I get, I am very less tolerant with people, set on my ways, have higher expectations, accumulated bad experiences that makes me more cautious. So opening up to a new person to love again is very hard.
Thank you for another great listen!
You definitely have one of the best new and best overall channels on youtube... and in life Thank you, please keep up the good work for all of us
So beautifully articulated, can’t believe people can be so cruel they obviously have issues. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing, I have followed you and beautiful Sarah’s journey for sometime, your open heart and willingness to be vulnerable at such a difficult time shows your true strength or character. You have the right idea about grieving your not running from it trying to numb it or pushing it down, there’s only one way through grief and that’s to feel it and move lovingly forward , you do that with grace.
Thankyou for being so brave.
When a man prioritises looks when choosing a partner, people say "well yeah, you need to date someone you're attracted to". When a woman prioritises looks (e.g. wanting someone who's taller than her) "that's so unrealistic. you're going to die alone. you're superficial". We all need to understand that men want to be with women they find attractive. But if you're a woman, don't you dare ask for an attractive man. This is why women don't want relationships anymore. It all just feels like we're wanted for our bodies. And our personalities are just the cherry on the cake. Why do you think the beauty industry is so big. Women subconsciously know what men really want.
Great interview. I agree with Lori 100%! Thank you for sharing your insights and for such an interesting conversation.
So you agree, when she said to follow your feelings and nothing else?
Good job. Cutting edge interviews, regular valuable content🎉. Thanks.
It’s crazy how much people and dating has changed in 53 years.
Haha I was just thinking the opposite! Did most women want to go Dutch 53 years ago? Were most men cool with having partners who earned more than them?
@@lisaharris452 No, but 53 years ago women had not changed society to the point where they are outearning men in the younger generations. Women 53 years ago were not focussed on their career above all else. Women 53 years ago did not spend their 20s fucking around and then get to 30 and suddenly want to settle down.
The underlying biological urges haven't changed, but the society has.
@@HaydenMcM1 Women were absolutely focused on their careers 53 years ago. They had just entering an era where they could control their reproductive life. They could get a credit card for themselves without needing a male co-signer. They could earn money and achieve independence from husbands who formerly controlled them with threats of violence and poverty. There was a huge spike in divorces because it was suddenly available and there was a ton of pent up demand.
It seems that men still haven't accepted that women can spend their time the way they want, be it focusing intently on careers, spending time with friends and dating, devoting themselves to hobbies, and fewer and fewer women settle for being dependent on a man and spending their time doing the same care tasks over and over and over. Serving men instead of working together. Spending more hours every work in labor than their male partners. Making beds and vacuuming aren't gendered activities; patriarchy sets up systems to extract women's labor for adult men who don't do their share of caring for the home and kids. Men now are feeling ripped off because more women are avoiding a life of unpaid servitude, and they feel deserving.
They aren't marrying until 28. By then ideally they've experienced the world directly --working, traveling, friend groups, education, focused on career -- instead of having been tied down by house/husband/kids. Men were slowly having to adjust to women saying they weren't satisfied by serving men and kids as their sole vocation. They wanted to earn money to have some power in marriage, to protect themselves from poverty is he dumped her, but even more they are more interesting and complex than housework. They enjoy challenges, adult company, being equal to their husbands, etc.
A lot of men view women as kind of alien. Not fully human, her main purpose is to provide sexual service, meals, laundry. The help. Our forebears worked their asses off to make it possible for us to have choices, save money, and be genuinely independent. Marrying because they wanted to, not because they needed to.
"People don't sit with you at your loss. They don't see how profound it is". Someone finally expressed what I was feeling all this time. After the breakup of long-term relationship that lasted almost 8 years, I felt no one in my surrounding treated this seriously, I heard the most ridiculous things, and people treated me like I'm a child who broke up with her summer boyfriend over some toys.
Met my fiance at 25 (he's 4 years older), 1st date and 2nd date he split the bill. I was a MAJOR ick for me. But we were spending 12 hours+ dates because we enjoyed each-others company so much. End of 2nd date I asked him the WHY, why split the bill, what were his views? He told me he was advised by a friend that women these days don't like men paying for them even tho he would prefer to (he wasn't a heavy dater) so he was trying to be respectful to me. Imagine if I ghosted him without knowing the why?! Anyway, we discussed it. now I'm 29 turning 30 and we're getting married this year...we haven't split the bill since that 2nd date.
Woman out here for free lunch, I need to see if she's serious about me.
Might aswell throw my money in the river otherwise 😂
Wait was he the only one eating or drinking? Unless you’re unemployed or a single mum, a mature woman wouldn’t have an issue splitting the bill, I’ve never dated a woman have an issue with splitting the bill in fact most women I’ve dated have insisted on it.
Oh yeah
@@LiquidfirePUAand one of the reasons she should be serious about you would be what exactly? The average man is unattractive so it's not like your looks would compel her, and most spend the entire date bragging about themselves, so add stinginess to that and she feels insulted
I mean I don't think she will have the time to wait and find out if you were good at cooking or with dishes or even assume it since it's very rare. She's most likely to assume you're automatically a burden, a potential selfish man child.
And if she came from parents who split the bill, and the entire household burden laid on the woman too, I'm sure she isn't fantasizing about having her mother's marriage.
Relationships with men who make women spend half are unattractive, and finances still remain the primary reason why women file for divorce.
So even if she settles and ignores the ick, the resentment is what will follow and that marriage can only last so long.
But of course this reality isn't obvious to men and this is why the number of incels and divorced men will keep increasing.
congrats you got a simp to commit to you
The tone-deafness at 56 minutes - "There is something that is a 1/2 note off - it's a $5 coffee and you're interested in this person". Seriously? Doesn't the same reasoning apply for the woman? It was a $5 cup of coffee and you're interested in the person - buy your own coffee! Instead the woman in the story just sat there and made it awkward... and this therapist Lori says she made the right decision... So who exactly is sabotaging the date over $5?
In her defense its impossible to use a single incident to diagnose the demise of a relationship but yeah you are spot on. Also why the hell not bring it up in conversation 'hey, I like it when a man pays!' 'Really, why is that?' 'Actually I've never considered why, just seems like the right thing to do' 'Interesting, do you suppose this is because you subscribe to traditional notions of marriage and partnerships?' etc etc instead people just make assumptions and doom themselves! SMH
yeah, the cognitive dissonance hits hard...
I have had cringe-worthy behaviors not to be believed, probably because I'm so smart.
It is possible this man was badly trained and only needed one woman to take an interest in his strange behavior, to ask a question, perhaps, or even to insist that he pay!
Yes! brave honesty without judgement - does it exist? It does exist if you exist. The kindness of strangers has brought insight countless times through my long life, in showing where I was blind. "And that means" has entered the culture with judgement on incidentals and unexamined situations and especially people. He expects me to pay for my coffee...and that means. And we run with it. Tragic!!
45:28 - she talks about "Equality"!!! Amen someone got it right. Thank you so much!!!
"I really valued our time together. I'm interested and I'm willing to pay for your time buy paying for everything" "We want to be equal in all ways. But not the bad stuff"
exactly