The Love Expert: Why Women Are Addicted To Toxic Men,"Have A Boring Relationship Instead!" Logan Ury
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- čas přidán 15. 05. 2024
- If you want to hear more dating and relationship advice, I recommend you check out my most recent conversation with Jay Shetty, which you can find here: • Jay Shetty: 8 Rules Fo...
0:00 Intro
02:10 Why Does Your Work Matter?
05:55 Attachment Theories, which one are you?
11:26 What To Do As An Avoidant Attached person
19:31 How To Find A Secure Partner & Maintain A Healthy Relationship
35:03 The "secretary problem" That Could Save Your Love Life
38:48 What To Do As An Anxious Attached Person
45:02 Why Icks Are Stopping You Finding Love
50:00 3 Dating Tendencies
01:02:02 Why You Need To Skip The Small Talk!
01:09:37 The Number One Way To Find Love
01:18:15 8 Date Questions To Find The One
01:28:06 The Qualities You Should Be Looking For In A Person (backed by science)
01:37:43 How To Get The Perfect Dating Profile
01:44:29 The Last Guest's Question
You can find out which of the 3 dating tendencies you are with Logan’s quiz, here: bit.ly/491O3lj
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Life❤
been siNgle far too long! dating apps are fake need to settle down NOW
@@janinagoll or google an expert or therapist on topic. I dont think one would appreacite the way this guests addresses these issues at all!
Be great to have someone on … say a clinical psychologist who has practiced… talk about attachment theory. For them to include all of the types and how they interact and why.
@@janinagolllll
As lonely as the world is seemingly becoming, it's nice to know someone is out there advocating quality relationships.
Agreed
and respecfull ones too, where woman body isnt auto or and objectified, and where men wallet is not anthropomorphised and his body objectified as workforce and security guard
End game is to make the woman wealthy through divorce ( 100% guaranteed in wealthy societies ) and alimony.
Thats the end game
@XeL__ that is and should be the standard. The fact that especially online, most people push towards encouraging these toxic views instead of making positive content is already damaging enough for people who might not even lean towards these views in the first place, but are still impressionable or have been through something that left them with insecurities that these content creators can prey on for views.
A lot of these problems are due to how women date and behave. Women are largely driving this dysfunction
The beauty of the attachment theory is that secure attachment makes insecure, avoidant and anxious secure, they lift them up. Go for a partner with healthy and secure attachment style. Avoid the butterflies in the stomach, the mixed messages, the breadcrumbing, and the constant guessing about what they really mean. If it feels calm, safe, and like home (even a little boring) go for it!
Yes yes yes! 100% when I realized the same, I started looking at men in a completely different way. I mostly started finding these types you list funny and child like, and not long after, I met the other type you describe, and we have been together for 5 years now. 😊
Isn't anxious attachment a time of insecure attachment?
Why go for it? Calm safe and like home I have being single. Not boring btw, why would I want to be with someone boring? 😂
@@duku9919yeah. Anxious/insecure.
@@nataliealice05 Probably because you're insecure... you probably feel that boring means that things are bad and going down hill when it isn't the case. Then your mind starts to think things that negatively effect the relationship, you push away, and end up single. Many women are like this, they see men as their entertainers rather than their partner/boyfriend/husband. I'm not saying this is you, but based off your comment, it seems to fit. If I'm wrong, then so be it, there are always exceptions.
I was a hesitant dater. I thought I wasn't good enough. I was poor, unemployed and overweight. I still tried on a few occassions, with no luck. I got no dates. So my thoughts about not being good enough was reinforced. I gave up on dating and started focusing on improving myself again. I got a job, got quite wealthy, lost all the excess weight and got in good shape. Then I felt ready to start dating again, and had much better success. Women were a lot more open to giving me a chance when I was, by all metrics, more attractive. The vast majority of dates I've been on was between the ages of 35 and 38. I'm in a relationship now for a bit over a year, and we didn't immediately click. We were on a date, and became friends. We fell in love 18 months after we met. I'm so glad we gave our love the time to grow.
What a beautiful thing to say ❤
All I got out of this was get rich then find girl
@@tyleramell3371💯💯 and she still doesnt like him, just aftwr she saw how much money he really makes , she went for it 🤡🥴
Absolutely! When I exited my first marriage, I didn't even think about dateing. I worked on my issues. It took about a year and a half of Olympic level of training on physical, emotional and spiritual issues, but the moment I was ready, my absolute dream girl walked into my life. We've been together ever since.
Edit: PS, I don't blame my first wife for wanting me gone. But when she refused to even talk to the improved person that I became, that's on her.
@@tyleramell3371 Money helps with the confidence, but my girlfriend isn't with me because of my money. I don't spoil her. But I do give her a lot of my time. We live a very frugal life.
I quit dating because I always felt like I was a "boring" person: no drama, no games, I could be your friend if we "don't have chemistry"... Thanks to this interview now I see that I am in fact a secured "boring" attached person. I would love to be with someone and share things and moments but I also love my freedom and independence. I'm ok being alone until I find the "right person".
My Christmas present to myself will be her book 😊❤ and also joining Hinge...
I had a relationship that ended with her telling me I was too boring for her and needed to be with someone else boring. Turned out it was actually great advice and I couldn’t be more happy with my boring wife and family.
The thing is even as no drama and grounded as my wife is I’m still never bored. We go to amazing places and the kids themselves are a natural source of excitement just being kids and us trying to teach them how to order the chaos of life.
Other boring people would add more comments to support what you're saying, but it's more efficient and elegant to delete what they wrote and scroll onward.
In all honesty if you like yourself don’t go on hinge lol
I think you are avoidant attached, you are focusing independence too much rather than interdependence .
As a person of the same archetype, I've always found that others that are like me seek out out their complete opposite (in a "opposites attract" kinda way), whereas me on the other hand is looking for someone similar to myself.
Finally having a secure partner has been… life changing for me. Especially as a very emotional person. I’ve never been so calm in my life
@@michaelhowington4205 I’m not lol?
@@michaelhowington4205 why do you think being an emotional person means insecurity? I kind of see it the other way around, tbh.
@@michaelhowington4205agree with you. Very emotional means disregulation.
congrats! You deserve this! ❤
@@michaelhowington4205true. sounds like me... wondering how to become "regulated"?.....
In my opinion Dating is harder when you have emotional intelligence bc most people lack it. A lot of unhealed people in the dating pool who actually don’t know how to function in a relationship and don’t know what they want
also traumatised women unconsciously trying to find a bf who will beat and treat like shit them, because father did that to them and then complain, big problem in my country
@@nickem6556 lol. I don’t know of any woman who wants to be beaten by a man… that’s wild. I’m sure that’s just your perception bc you’ve seen women accept bad behavior However , BOTH men and women often times get addicted to toxicity bc that’s all they’ve seen and experienced so it’s normal in their reality. Also, society makes it seem normal to fight for love and struggle love. So, people often times feels like that’s what love looks like when you stay and go through a rollercoaster of an experience.
Anyone who says they have emotional intelligence always never has it its like a guy saying i have high IQ these people are always rude/morons.
@@Iamtrinajae Dude's from Russia, what he's saying isn't even an exaggeration. I once dated a woman from Russia, and her entire family had been beaten by their husbands, she told me it was seen as a sign of love. A research paper titled "If He Beats You, It Means He Loves You" : Domestic Violence and Women's Rights in Russia" found that 70% of women in Russia had experienced domestic violence. Worth pointing out that beating your wife is legal in Russia.
@@sh0werp0wer For the majority of women this tactic isn’t what women want or for any woman regardless even if it’s generational or legal. . As most people who are abused and stay they are brainwashed and highly insecure or so even someone use to toxicity that it’s considered normal for them and they’ve accepted that’s their reality…. Nobody wants to be abused…. I’ve never once heard anyone verbally say they liked it even the woman who have stayed in those relationships. However, if that’s what you’ve been brought up seeing and use to then one becomes immune to it in a sense. To the point even when you get out of that environment and haven’t healed mentally you’re going to look for that same behavior from other people, but it could come in other forms of abuse that they accept he might not hit her but he’s verbally abusive. …. Deep in a person soul who gets abused they know it’s not right rather legal or not… but I do agree people do become addicted to toxic behavior which can become a cycle in all relationships until they heal the parts of them to not accept it or act in that way.
This woman is phenomenal. I want her job. I want to be coached by her. She is a mixture of smart, funny, vulnerable. It all shines through.
🤬
facade.
I think so many people thrive off the drama of dating people that are clearly terrible for them.
I’m so glad for my chilled, “boring” relationship.
A lot of media representations of love are filled with conflict, and that raises people to think love is this big, dramatic thing. True Love is not a game where you're wrestling against each other to stay together. True Love is a bond where you picked someone who is not your family to be the most important member of your family. Look for a partner, not a bird you caught/lured.
just wanted to mention that there is one other attachment style which she didn't mention, it's 'fearful avoidant' or 'disorganized' attachment. it's when you are both anxious and distant, and you might flip flop often. it often occurs because your caretaker was inconsistent, perhaps they were nice to you sometimes but also very critical. it also often occurs when you were parentified (had to raise yourself, other kids, or even your parents) and often when you've experienced childhood trauma. it can have similarities to borderline personality disorder (although it's not the same thing) because of the rapid flipping. attachment theory is so fascinating and I'm glad it's finally getting more broad recognition
Good call ! Thank you very well explained 🙏 also that can also be changed with secure attachment but it is one of the most difficult.
I have had this attachment style and am recovering ❤
@@resonatingspirit yes, I have it as well and feel like im in a great place with healing, although I know it will take years to fully rewire my brain and make healthy reactions automatic instead of effortful. although it's probably the most challenging, I feel like people who are FA are keenly aware that there's a problem (much less so with dismissive avoidants for example), so they tend to put a lot of effort into healing once it's identified.
Thank you for pointing this out. Recently discovered that I'm a FA, and it has literally been the most challenging yet liberating times of my life. I finally know how to identify and comprehend what's wrong with me, what aspects of myself I need to fix/heal and how to do it. All thanks to Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School. ❤️
There’s also Ambivalent ...don’t care about attachments!
@@sophierosebisou8420 I've never heard about that. I just looked it up and I only see ambivalent attachment as another word for anxious preoccupied rather than a separate style. not caring about attachments is not an attachment style I don't think
I would love a "boring" peaceful relationship. Don't need no more drama.
This is what modern women don't understand. Men just want peace, peace means no drama. But they ointerpret it as "booring" since they already get used to spice things up a bit.
No more meaning she had enough for 2 lifetimes, used up damaged goods are not good for second hands, more tenth hands 😊
I very rarely see people happy after 10-20 years together I’ve actually never seen it they look happy till u have a deeper conversation and see how they act on the low
You've jumped from bed to bed with agressive sociopaths. 95% of women spead legs for free to 5% of agressive sociopaths, the other 95 % of men have to deal with domestic prostitutes (rare and poor sex in exchange for men spending lots of money on a women).
Ten year and 50 d1cks later sociopaths start to ignore you (there is now fresher meat on our wild sexual market).
And now you start looking for a loser that picks you up, wash off semen of your previous men and sponsor you. BTW, once you find more resourcefull provider you immidiatly divourse rape your current loser and move on with your life.
Sorry, I am not interested to pick up used goods like that. Especially knowing, that previous men didn't spent a cent on new gods and I am expected to spend a large part of my income on second hand goods.
Also, I have no idea if you had/have STDs.
Your choice of s3xual partners was terrible and I am not interested to fix a life of a woman that would definetly reject me 10 years ago because I am not an agressive sociopath.
How do I know that I accurately described your life? Well, you said "Now I want peacefull life". Clearly, before you didn't want peaceful life.
You can have a peaceful good relationship 10-20 years into relationship. But you have to work to keep women on her toes.
(1) No marriage, no shared property/resources.
(2) You know that you can leave her any moment and act accordingly.
Fun fact. If a woman acts as if she is ready to leave you, this is very annoying to a man and he will likely dump her (no point to stay in a relationship with a woman that is ready to dump you).
This is opposite for women. They interpret it like: "he is a high valued man if he is ready to leave me. And I love high valued men".
Women are crazy and irrational creatures.
This relationship is not perfect, but this is the best you can do in modern society.
I want to add that another behavior that doesn't get us what we want is sleeping with someone we're dating too soon. This is especially detrimental for women and/or for anxious attachment style people. It might sound impossible and unavoidable, but saying no to sex with someone who hasn't proved they're interest and character first is foolish and will usually end up with one person being needlessly heartbroken and feeling used when things don't work out. That said, i loved this show, and pretty much agree with every one of Logan's points!
I think that depends. If someone enjoys casual sex, it can be a great way of figuring out early if the person is only interested in getting you into their bed, or if they are still enjoying to talk to you and spend time with you after reaching that "goal".
It sucks to build up an emotional connection with someone and deny yourself sex just to find out he was only good for a casual hook up anyway.
@@lolasonne1772 that may be a good strategy for certain attachment types. It wouldn't work for anxious attachment, though. Honestly, I think to myself that I enjoy casual sex, but the few times I've done this, it's backfired on me. Everyone must determine what they can and cannot handle, I suppose.
There's definitely a happy medium, I agree women should wait to protect themselves since women release oxytocin during the act and men don't. But waiting too long is also bad, I once thought a guy was just soooo respectful and nice because he didn't bring up sex when we were dating for a while and it was such a nice change of pace, but turns out after all that he just had a very very low libido and I wasted a lot of time on someone incompatible @@TheConsummateArtist
People with attachment disorder should definitely not have casual sex. There is a lack of emotional intelligence, agency, and self-esteem. If the sex is good, they will attach quickly, before really knowing who the person is. When red flags appear, they will ignore them because their attachment style leads them to try and ignore, make excuses for, or deny the red flag behavior. This should have been discussed in the podcast.
For avoidance attachment, they shouldn’t have casual sex because they will eventually leave the person when things get serious and that is brutal to the person who fell in love with them. The magnetic pull between those two attachment types is incredibly powerful. The sex is spectacular but the break up is life-shattering for the anxious one. Speaking from experience.
Nine years later and now I am the avoidant one- the break up was so bad I have avoided dating for 9 years and can’t bring myself to try. Hence, why I watched this video…
I think your right totally right and I had that in mind when I got into my past relationship, which lasted for three years. It was not a real good relationship because there were things we would conflict a lot but I felt secure to have sex with him cause I knew he was not wanting to bang me just once. I told him that on our first dates, I said I didn't want just to hook up, I wanted to someone who I could created intimacy, and it pretty much worked. I think I'll behave like this on next dates cause I think it worked for me to see if he's really interested in a deeper connection before doing sex, which is so intimate. I tried having casual sex in the past but If the sex was good, I would want to have more with them, and they didn't want exactly the same thing as I did, so I changed my behaviour and I seen the results.
Hi Steve, I had to watch a few podcasts to finally decide whether this channel is worth my subscription or not.
But boy, oh boy, am I obsessed!! From the guests, the content, the insights to the kind of positivity you instil in your viewers, this is, undoubtedly, one of my best finds on CZcams.
I am finally happily married.
We never had sparks. Now i have tiny internal sparks on a regular basis. Overwhelming joy from the trust and love and life we have built.
I never felt sparks either. I'm a very reason based person, emotions don't play much into my priorities. I found a good natured trustworthy person that I could stand to be around. Seemed like a good idea to get married. I'm in it for the long haul. People change. I figured that if I found a good person that I could grow with, everything else will fall into place. And that's exactly how it worked for me. I learned early in life that people who fell in love, also eventually fell out of love. If out of love is the normal state, I might as well not worry about it. Make it work without love because that's what you're going to have to do anyway.
@@BenjaminCroncealso, love is not what we see in the movies. You staying committed to a person and supporting them in their growth sounds more like love to me than all those movies filled with drama and romance. I love my family but yeah, we are not in a romance Hollywood movie 😊
Very cool. Happy for you both!
Beautiful
@@BenjaminCronce Many people in the states don't have good chemistry. This Saras3587 most likely married for Beta Buxx. Chemistry---eternal attraction is needed if one needs to marry the one.
What I love about Logan is how she insists that we have some agency in the people and traits that we are attracted to. This has been something I've insisted on for a long time, but no one ever believes me. When I met my wife, I knew what was right for me, and even though she didn't tick all of the boxes of thoughtless attraction, I said "This is very obviously the person I need to be with." So on my own I used a lot of the mechanisms that Logan has talked about: emphasizing the things in my mind that I did find attractive and overlooking and downplaying the things I didn't innately feel attracted to. It sounds "unromantic" to put it this way, but in time I trained my brain in such a way that I became very specifically passionate and connected to her psychologically and physically. 25 years later we're still passionately in love and have a great sex life.
It's great to hear someone else advocating this kind of message.
Wait. That sounded crazy to MEN in your life?
Such an interesting comment, if you have the time and are willing can you please share more about that, some example or what were some tough moments or obstacles in the process for you, thank you.
Yeah, the same with me. I'm about to get married and I've never been in love. As part of my culture, we don't actually date, we just get to know the person first and if we like each other, we get married.
My fiance and I have a lot in common and we have a similar upbringing with similar values and life goals and he is cute.
stand on business
Well perhaps you still together because you guys didn't marry for love but for a mission which would last a long time spark goes away but vision on a mission endures
I love the piece about people who are in great relationships have made a series of great decisions. Breaking out of your patterns is SO hard and requires going against what feels comfortable or even your own turn on at times
but it’s so worth it once you’re out there on the other side in that relationship where you can be fully yourself and fully loved, cherished, and respected
I was absolutely an anxious attached partner, and was definitely a part of that anxious/avoidant cycle with partners. My husband is absolutely rock solid, he is a fantastically securely attached partner, and he's changed my approach to relationships as a whole. It makes so much of a difference to be with someone secure. I don't see it as boring, it's safe, and safety should never be boring in a relationship.
"Boring" is a misinterpretation of tranquility, calmness, contentment.
My lovely wife and I have been happily and playfully married (1st time everything for each of us) for more decades than most people have been living.
Married in our early 20s.
Had all of our children before our 30s.
We still visit during meals, flirt at home, and hold hands in public.
We followed God's master plan for us as best we could.
Problems in our life, yes, with solutions following right behind.
Life can be good if a person gets rid of a lot of ego and works on self improvement.
Where did you first learn about attachment, and how has working on it helped your relatioship with eachother? Do you work together on shared goals for the relationship?
@iwishyouknewpodcast I can't exactly remember when I learned about attachment styles, I feel I've picked up bits and pieces over the last few years from different sources. I like to learn about mental health and healthy patterns of functioning, so when I started hearing about attachment theory, I understood that I was an anxious partner (and also connected that anxiety to trauma from my choldhood). But I also realized that having avoidant partners exacerbated my anxiety exponentially. I didn't intentionally seek a secure partner, I lucked out with my husband, and I still functioned with anxious attachment at the beginning. He just kept being consistent, and gently pointed out how my behavior was harming the relationship, so over time I stopped feelings anxious and recognized that I could trust him.
We keep pretty open communication with each other, one thing I've realized is that I don't need to invent things I think my husband is thinking, if he has a problem, he would let me know. He teases me and says I hurt my own feelings sometimes, which I totally do, lol. He doesn't always talk as much as I would like, but he is always good at communicating his feelings, and he is good at listening to me communicate mine. I don't think we've ever had a fight. Disagreements, sure, but we always resolve them peacefully and in a way that doesn't injure the other person. It's not perfect, but I think we function well.
Qualities to look for in a partner 1:28:20:
Kindness and loyalty
Emotional stability
Ability to make hard life decisions together
Ability to fight well (can we fight in a way that were teammates?)
What side of me you bring out
@@unexplorednetworkthat is totally untrue that you are forever broken and irredeemable if you didn't have a wonderful family unit. 😅
@@celinenaville I agree. We are all hurt and broken, but we all need love and can find love. Her approach has helped many people. Even people who have been "raise right" struggle finding the right person and they get divorced too. People from dysfunctional families make connections and find love too and not end up divorced.
And women don't want any of this. It makes you a nice guy.
That's, what, 26 people? In the world? Bonne chance!
Step one: Be tall, muscular and wealthy.
Step two:
This is making me cry. I realize I've been avoidant, and I've been unnecessarily single for 23 years. 💔I believe 100% of people can change it.
They can and will. Move outside the box you set for yourself, and be willing to give people you don't spark with on first sight a chance. I wish you luck on your journey, and hope you find the right person for you!
It's been 3 weeks, I can see why she's single. Whereas, 8ve been single for 2 years because I'm a prick.
I’m just realizing it at 35. Kind of a stinker but hey, is what it is.
I am so shocked. I honestly thought I was anxious but listening to this I'm secure/avoidant and my partner is secure/anxious. He went to ask me for reassurance last week but stopped himself. I just sent him a voice note telling him how much he means to me, even though my brain was screaming at me to add a 'but'.
It really helped him feel loved, which he really is xx
The problem with all her advice is it relies on people examining themselves, and what I have found with most people is they have no interest in doing that. They want to go with what FEELS right. They have no interest in understanding why they feel certain ways about certain people. Yeah, a small percentage of people will go inward, but most won't, and MOST people are what you encounter so it becomes like finding a needle in a haystack.
That's not a problem with her advice, though. It's more like that's part of the muck and mire of what dating is these days, but it doesn't stop the truth of everything she's saying. There ARE still needles in the haystack. If it's worth looking, then look. If not, being single isn't bad at all.
Exactly people are not willing to do the work and that is what makes the situation super sad but her advice was great because I learn so much is such a little bit of mono time
Ah, the life unexamined... The safest general characterization of the European philosophical tradition is that it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato. - A.N Whitehead
Most women*
Agree
The problem with dating apps is that we get to judge people based on the things we can measure: height, job occupation, photos, etc. The important things that make someone a great partner (for example: loyalty, the way one communicates, emotional attraction, etc.) are almost impossible to put on a dating profile. But at the same time, we want some sort of criteria to filter people, it's just that we are forced to be super superficial.
🎯
Those apps were designed to keep people on there as long as possible. If most people find a good relationship they are out of business.
Also, attraction is 3D. Sometimes, a person one would find attractive in person would not be one of the people they'd find attractive online.
You have to have a basic physical attraction for somebody. You can get the basics from a dating app, but you have to meet them to feel any chemistry or see what they actually look like in person.
It sounds like job interviews too.
What is making you unhappy is not bad dating experience or being single, it's the idea that you somehow have to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. Our society is so focused on this one kind of love and ignores all other forms of connection. That's why we are so lonely, we expect to one day find that one person that is going to fulfill all our emotional needs and we won't need anyone else. Love is to be found and practised every day, be love in your interactions with friends, family, a community, the world around you and you will never be lonely.
She has put so much thought into it...i am really glad to hear someone is caring about functioning relationships.
Being avoidant is way easier than being anxious. Anxious all you do is think about that other person until it makes you sick
Not really. Being avoidant is really really lonely
The avoidant is anxious also... that's why they avoid, to avoid feeling a rejection and being anxious about it...
I feel like I used to be anxious until I dated an avoidant girl, now I feel like my behavior is more in line with avoidant because of that experience. My anxious attachment style reprogrammed my brain to be avoidant because I am afraid of being treated that way again. Is this a real thing? It makes the lines a lot blurrier. I’m getting better as time goes on because I like to think I’m pretty self aware.
@@IEdjumacate I feel ya, same here
@@IEdjumacateexactly this happened to me as well. Although, looking back before having that relationship, i did have traits from avoidant attachment. But after that relationship where i was the ultimate anxious and it broke me so bad, i completely became avoidant. I'm also getting better but if i encounter an anxiously attached person, it triggers me so much and I just run. If I encounter another avoidant, i don't even think twice before leaving that situation.
Once I accepted that long term relationships for the most part are boring and it’s important to find fulfilment within first and foremost, relationships became more satisfying. Before this revelation, I saw relationships as a source of my entertainment and if I didn’t feel entertained, I’d bow out which isn’t fair and incredibly self centred. I am now engaged to a strong man - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, who gives me space to be my authentic self. I’m very grateful.
Real love is emotional, but calm. The need for constant exitement is a red flag of imatureity. At worst of mental dissorders like narcissism, codependency. Sounds like you matured 👏👏👍
Yeah right. Women want to go and sleep around with lots of men before finding a husband. Facts. You're all lying
I commend your honesty and thank you for your bravery in sharing your experiences truthfully.
It stlll unfair that a man picked up a used up and damaged woman later on. There was a reason why fathers need to approve a man to be the partner of their daugthers, its because theyre bound to chose shitty partners because not even women know themselves well. At least its a support network to try to filter what really matters.
@Ikaros23 Excitement becomes boring after a while. It's why I needed a month to recover after every music festival I went to before I went to another. There is a saying that when life is one long party, it ceases to be a party. I just want freedom from strife. Excitement and joy is a bonus.
On the woman who complained about being "ghosted": She peppered the man with petty questions over text & he answered them tersely until he got tired of it. It doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested in you, it could mean he doesn't enjoy petty small talk over text. Some people hate texting. If you call him & arrange to meet up in person, there is a decent chance you'll get the attention you want from him
or he could just say he doesnt like texting and ask to meet the woman himself
Excessive texting is a killer for me. When someone wants to text for too long before meeting me I normally opt out.
People need to realise that face to face communication, is where you’ll truly realise if you have chemistry with someone and that’s the point in the apps. That’s how we’re programmed to socialise. Not digitally over a screen.
I also get that some people have had bad experiences in the past, which is why they do this…but like I said, personally, it’s not for me.
I have been so blessed, encouraged and intrigued by many, many of the speakers and your input. Thank you for being YOU!!
Thank you for letting us know, so glad to hear the episodes have moved you! Team DOAC xx
But did you subscribe? Dont be like the other 69%
@@sanjayjattan954769.9%* LOL It’s imposible to make these shows better because they’re the best so this arbitrary promise is hard to perceive as meaningful. Saying better 4+ times? Like how could it be better? Give us specifics. Maybe “when this channel reaches ______ subscribers, I will have _____ guests by request.” Or “if you subscribe today I will do ______ today.” Or “for every subscriber I will move the ads/plugs 1 second closer to the end of the show rather than beginning or middle.” 🤭
I won't lie, I wasn't convinced at face value. But this turned out to be so incredibly relatable and interesting, thank you Steven.
Was hoping she would give a bit more insight into how hinge works. This was quite a basic discussion with pretty observations like “include a picture of your face on the first photo”
Everyone is on this app and it’s basically the dating world now
@@TheMarmara2023It's not a Hinge ad. It's psychology and how to find the correct personality type for you.
Follow the directions and do the work on yourself, and you won't need Hinge.
*_Tinder_* is The Devil! *THE DEVIL!!*
@@lasteniadardano4311 we still on for this Saturday? Don’t worry about the butt plug this time
I LOVE how Steven sends every guest out on a high. He truly and genuinely compliments them and makes them feel so good before they leave. Wouldn’t it be amazing if it felt like this every time you left someone’s company.
What a great goal to set!
Thanks chatgpt
@vgolovu987 perfect. I want ai to help in medicine. Why should ai help thick people with stupid emotions? Emotional intelligence? I wonder what that even means.
@@zillimunt2015Checkout Alphafold 3.
I think she is brilliant. Also grateful she mentioned not to blame mothers for our relationship issues.
Wow the bit on conversation and taking the fact then turning that fact into story to share vulnerability and find connection is mind blowing to me. It’s so hard to let people in and be vulnerable.
Online dating, by far, has made anxious attachment tendencies in me WAY WORSE than before. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and all the rest of the crap has induced PTSD like nothing else.
I agree. It’s awful. On the “apps”, Many are already in relationships, just looking to get laid, Will ghost you when you suggest meeting & let’s not forget it’s ALL initially based on a picture, not on how the person really is. It’s constant rejection & disappointment.
It's like being constantly walked thru all 7 steps of an NPD diagnosis within a span of 40 texts. Women come on way too fast. Calling you pet names in 3 conversations. Get you texting based on their texting habits. Then they all the sudden are offended when you send a text on the weekend and your texts are scaring them. And they can't do what it takes for you to be comfortable! What ?
@@user-lj5xc4ov3ui am a woman and i am appalled at this behavior. those woman have trauma they have not healed from. they need to be healed to speak to even a friend bc i am 110% sure they are mentally unstable and draining. i’ve dealt with these woman. it’s utterly exhausting. Also those woman they have rosters, they’re walking red flags who hold down careers and are around children. it’s quite gut wrenching to me. they need to get out of the workforce and heal themselves before continuing their life amongst others.
@@weepinginanger how are there so many? My last girlfriend was 100% NPD . It was horrific. Last I checked, a real man needs to be a little vulnerable at times and that's a two way street or it can't work. Every time I was, she would dig in and break up with me. Every time. I have encountered this same exact behavior with at least 7 women in a row on dating apps. And yes , they have careers and are very well established. The last was a week ago. Very researchable. 50 years old. Well off. Something has changed in women especially in their 40s. I don't know if their divorces, or alcohol, but something is making them almost like online predators. I'm 47, I'm in great shape,better than in my 30s. I took alot of time off after my last, and even went to therapy. I've been trying to get a date , with a woman I find attractive, for over a year. You can't go out and meet anyone now they sit home and don't even have to do their hair because they have a bottle of wine and a menu full of me at their fingertips. I gave up. Yesterday..Took my profiles down.
ha ha so true
The main point here is to reframe love from purely attraction to something more sustainable like your values. So a partner should have the combination of attraction and good values.(not easy we know)Attraction fades and becomes comfort at some point, which is not all that bad.
Framing comfort and stability as boring, is the recipe to end up single and miserable.
Point to the nearest woman that understands values
@@TheNebulonI understand values. But I've also been married 11 years 😂
@@TheNebulonpoint to the nearest man who shows in one comment that women should stay away from him and it's u! 😂
He may well be a decent man with loads to offer but just just been burnt. I can relate!
i noticed through astrology how many of my women friends had venus in my sign . values. My first woman friend in school, my mom, my yoga teacher - not necessarily easy - and maybe not mainsream.
MY GODDD!!! This literary freed me. Years of therapy in 90 minutes. God bless you!
I love that Logan provides specific advice and examples. There's so many speakers/authors out there, whether it be for relationships or self help etc. where the content is just fluffy & too broad.
I've been telling my female friends for years they need to get over "the spark", very glad to see a woman say it too.
Spark can mean sick person too!!! Walk carefully.
Preach, because not enough is said or mentioned about dropping the superficial or shallow value of "spark"
Sometime women use the spark as an excuse to op out ...when you do not like the guy...and when do not find the guy attractive...
LOL,
you got a lot of female friends 😂😂😂
any of them help you move lately ?
@@hayleyandkilo yes having people lift heavy things for you = strong friendships
I met my wife and fell in love and knew we would be married at age 19. She definitely had the 'ick' with me though. Had we not been forced to be together at university every day on the same course it would never have happened. In fact, our college tutor was a great matchmaker and many of his students got married - he did his magic on us. Still good 40 years later.
great! wish you both well!
Thats so cute! 🥰🥰❤️❤️
Nothing cute about it.
Why did she have the ick with you?
The two of you are my favorite people on CZcams! Great to hear you talk with each other. That last question was delicious 🎉
This relationship advice is quite literally the cheat sheet of ALL RELATIONSHIPS❣️ This is for everyone in a body right now❣️It helped me to figure out a lot about myself. Sure there are things to work on with my husband, but I am s0 using my new knowledge with my 14 year old daughter❣️😳 The one person that is capable of throwing me off center‼️
You really gotta give her credit for being so open and got personal in this interview when she really didn't need to, but it makes it that much more real.
And the interviewer too.
Some men should be avoided, some women should be avoided… learn fast or pay the price … be gentle with peoples hearts and don’t put up with people that aren’t gentle with yours …
I totally agree
im surprised it dosent talk about "top 1% chad getting all the tickle" and "alot of % want rich guy after riding chad and want rich and chad, but milk rich and dream chad, cause rich chad are rare"
but what if a gold digger master those 8 trait and narcisism it out on first dates till marriage divorce false acusation alimoney?
im surprised there is not a single appart about wealth (but at least about look atractivness and laugh ect..)
1:26:00 money tho at least hmm
Great advice
I am a matchmaker and I agree very much with Logan. In my opinion, the less superficial one becomes, the more intimacy and stability that person wants. For me, it is always quality over quantity.
As a society we need to find out how to raise more secure people. The dating pool should be more balanced. Divorce is the number one reason kids grow up being avoidant and the vicious cycle continues. Im a stepmom and i see why it happens. Kids are on their own mentally to figure it out and grow up making the same mistakes.
People have to understand that knowing how to exist peacefully in boredom is quintessential to relationships and survival in general. No matter what anyone will say to the contrary, when put up against the “fun times” the overwhelming majority of existence both in and out of a relationship is BORING/WORK! Also most people are only willing to put in work towards entertaining ourselves. The act of having to entertain another person will eventually become exhausting. So you’ll be forced to decide either to torment yourself continuing to serve as court jester or leave and maintain your own peace. Most people end up choosing their own peace because most people are far too selfish /arrogant to humble themselves to be able to exist in boredom.
Deep thought
I surrendered all attempts at being social 8 August 2000 at 18:34. I found nothing rewarding about having a girlfriend and friends. I actually lost a lot because of a, "girlfriend," and, "friends." I care to never repeat the experiences I suffered from 30 December 1998 to 8 August 2000 at 18:34. If this means I never get a girlfriend, or friends, again, so be it. I require no human companionship, in the form most of them exist today.
This is a great comment. I haven’t dated in years but the last girl I date always wanted to “go, go, go.”
She was bored-easily type and I guess she thought that I was to be her source of entertainment, like a circus clown.
I told her straight out that if you want to be constantly entertained, then hire someone for that.
I was working 55 hours a week and losing my mind at work. Then I had to go out and feel like I had to “perform.” It was all stress and zero fun.
This is a problem with most of today’s entitled and spoiled girls. They think a man should “entertain” them.
You’re an adult. If you’re bored, then find something to make yourself not bored.
The vast majority of a relationship is down time and boredom (I suppose). You should feel happy just being in that persons company.
Completely agree! I've been on a spiritual path and have been meditating regularly for about 30 years. I was as happy on my own as I am with my husband. We've been together for about 20 years and he was in grad school when we started dating so very busy with research, etc. We are both introverts, have our own interests but there is some crossover in our hobbies. We have many fun conversations and love being together but understand that alone time is important to both of us. We can both survive just as well apart than together but are eachother's icing on the cake.
I understand that this isn't common in relationships since people are still in the mindset of another person "completing" them in some way and even a dangerous element of possession. No one should force a relationship to work unless they can be their genuine self with the other person and 100% comfortable. I've had friends ask what the purpose of a relationship is if you're not joined at the hip with your partner. I look at it as an opportunity for you and your partner to learn from eachother. Other than for those who want children, the other reasons are to be able to have that trust, have a person to debate with and love enough to respect and consider their point of views, being able to witness many parts of life together and discuss it. Love drives you to learn more and grow.
@@indridcold8433 some people get burnt bad enough they like peace that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you don’t let anyone make you feel that way!!!!
For me personally, the real game changer in working through anxious attachment was not to replace confirming evidence with disconfirming evidence, as that is just another made up story in my head, and instead practiced listing just the facts of "what events actually happened". Removing the judgement, emotion, and all the mental gymnastics that I had created in my head and looking at only the factual evidence helped me to break from the habit of making up stories in my mind and then treating them as if they were an objective reality.
wow... That was very nicely stated.
Most likely my favorite interview EVER. I’ve shared this with so many people. I’m watching it for the 3rd time!
OMG! Guys, you are both so fantastic! Genuine and honest conversation, and finally, a sustainable approach to love life is something we all should have had for so long!
I Read How Not to Die Alone in 2021, everything clicked! My behaviour and traits that kept me forever single finally made so much sense. I had always been single in my 20s and barely went on dates. I had it all wrong the entire time and I would run away whenever a guy was genuinely interested in me, yet I was always chasing the toxic blokes... A couple of months later I met my partner, been together for over 2 years ❤
Are you serious? I need to get that book ASAP
really???
@@clairenicholls8024 Knowledge (applied) is power! 👍❤
I literally just commented saying I originally heard about Logan on a different podcast, implemented her advice and now in a happy secure relationship for nearly two years!
@@cassylouise6675 what’s the podcast ?
I’ve avoided relationships for half my life and the other half I dated the unavailable person. Truly enlightening, thank you 🙏
Same, but there's hope. We just gotta keep trying. Once you're aware of patterns, it's easy to choose better partners.
Me three! Avoided relationships or chosen players cos I know they won't commit. Wish I'd heard this conversation 20years ago 😮
Single parent household vibes.
Often we don't realise that we too are avoidant/emotionally unavailable and attract the same in a partner..
Avoided relationships. Dated unavailable people. You're the common denominator.
I really resonated with the point about vulnerability creating a bridge to connection. With some people you meet you never seem to get beyond small talk for whatever reason. Having reciprocal vulnerability with somebody absolutely deepens your sense of connection with them, whether that is romantic or not.
Logan Urly from Hinge spoke really well and clearly and confidently in this video. I really connected with what she said.
The ‘spark’ moment just doesn’t always happen. It’s okay.
Having a flaming desire for someone- the flame might not be bursting with lots of fire constantly; but if it’s burning a bit and you feel happy, then ride that flame and stay in that relationship.
Just really good points from Logan and I’m so glad that I watched this video. Thank you!!
You know I clicked on this by accident and just kept listening, right to the end. This was so interesting as someone who was single and dating for so long, before finding my spouse. It really made me think about my younger self. I wish I’d found Logan 20 years ago 😂 My takeaway though as a married person is to really think about what side of me comes out most in our relationship and who I am in our relationship. Fantastic interview thank you 🙏
Same here. I was not looking for relationship advice, I was looking for how to trim my own hair!
I am intrigued by this discussion interview. Especially the attachment theory she discussed. I think it’s a useful place to start for introspection, and to understand the dynamics of a potential partner, with whom you have interest.
I’m a boomer and happily married, so the dating dynamics were different for me when I was in my 20s. However, one thing I think remains true today. It could be a disaster for a man to try to be emotional and open at the outset. At least, initially expressing your vulnerabilities, and sensitivities is a turn off for most women. I am a professional, and for most of my female colleagues this is especially true. Later on when the relationship is solid, both partners feel safe, AND the woman has decided to be with you, then one can begin to express vulnerabilities. BUT if you spill your guts too early, you’ll find yourself in the friend zone for eternity. She’ll be sleeping with the bad boy and calling you up, crying and complaining about his emotional unavailability and expecting you to be her understanding BFF.
me too
The post-date 8 questions to ask yourself:
1. What side of me did they bring out?
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or somewhere in between?
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
4. Is there something about them that I'm curious about?
5. Did they make me laugh?
6. Did I feel heard?
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
but what if a gold digger master those 8 trait and narcisism it out on first dates till marriage divorce false acusation alimoney?
im surprised there is not a single appart about wealth (but at least about look atractivness and laugh ect..)
1:26:00 money tho at least hmm
For me its usual yes better Im confident. Most people have a sense of humor.
So what now????
For me its usual yes with all the questions better Im confident. Most people have a sense of humor.
So what now????
I'd prefer my partner to make me think than laugh. Also, if anything, I'd prefer them to make me smile, not by trying to do something but by being.
I find my own sources of hilarity, I don't need a partner to make me laugh. I'd prefer to laugh together, at similar things, rather than him being in charge of my laughter.
@@peacelove7437keep trying. It’ll eventually make sense.
For me this was helpful not in the relationship sense, but making me realize I’m anxious attached to my sister who’s depressed. When she doesn’t respond to my messages I’ll get very anxious and exhibit those behaviors. I think it’s a good wake up call for me to step back and let her be.
I deeply love this. I also am Anxious attached and FINALLY figured out how to fall for the "boring" guy and it is GLORIOUS. He is the most incredible balance for me, and I am far more successful than ever before (now easily making multiple six figures) so much because of HIM even though he doesn't directly do anything with my business. I sent him the clip starting at about 17:00 minutes because I've been trying to explain this to him. His secure attachment style is sooooo steady and NOW that has become wildly sexy to me. ❤🔥
The problem is, one you dont deserve the secure guy after playing with the players. He will leave you when he realizes that. The second problem is, you are still attracted to players. That will not change. That damage will not buff out. At some point you will leave him for one. The only question is who leaves first.
@@smater332000 what a strange comment. This is not my reality. I wish you love.
@@smater332000 Red pill is great at moments, encourages men to work on themselves but is also filled with lies. Relationships aren't all transactional nor they should be. She sounds like a good person to be with apprecieates her man and is having a good life of her own.
Red pill sells the idea that she settled down for her partner, but that's not how things have to go. It sounds like she matured and grew and her grown uped self liberetaly choosen and is grateful for her men. He is surely a lucky guy 😊.
Leave the toxic part of the red pill, it will ruin your life 😉
@@illuxology he’s right you know. You prefer the emotional roller coaster of the toxic fun guy. You could be wrong be with the boring nice guy.
The problem is most people (men and women) are not capable of comprehending what this lady is saying. People probably don't think critically enough to truly realize their flaws through self-introspection.
That's fine in theory and for larger sample size probably true. But this woman run into a man who just wanted sex. Then rationalized being dumped through her educational lens, and stumbled upon a successful business.
She's smart but thinks men think like women do. The man, lets call him Chad, was just not ready to settle down yet. So he didn't choose him. That's the more likely explanation rather than his mommy didn't hug him enough. Its good that she was able to fix her own issues tho.
@@pahakuutti good point. I was looking more generally than specifically at her situation. Bottom line her Burning Man guy had an impact. Attractive people and the attention and options available to them reinforce their Avoidant Attached behavior. She probably thought she deserved him. The most revealing thing she explained was the pigeon experience. People are psychologically programmed to want what they cannot have.
@@pahakuutti you're right. She is a Chad-widow
Do u have this problem ?
@@Golden_Queen_888 probably
Attachment theory isn't just for understanding romantic relationships, it helps you see how you engage with people generally and how you see yourself in the world. You can work on your style in therapy and move from insecure to secure, it just takes time and addressing what you didn't get in childhood. People aren't born with a style, it develops through parenting and it can be changed through therapy (I say this as a therapist).
This is good insight - any advice on finding a worthwhile therapist ? Tired of spending $150 a pop on bad therapists who seem unqualified.
It isn't all on parenting though. Even the therapist in the video admitted as much. If that is true I am the best mother in the world and so was my mother. One of my friends who was a perfect mother has children who have struggled in relationships.
From the child's perspective, anything can be a trauma, if the child encountered something that wasn't age appropriate or wasn't able to talk it out or haven't received answers. Hence, children who have seemingly perfect mothers can still have relationships problems.
Yes agree 💯
This interview just changed my dating life and really showed me myself. I’m definitely a new subscriber! Thank you so much
Had me in tears within the first 10 minutes. She is spot on!
This woman understands dating and relationships better than anyone ive seen on CZcams
Lol !
Try David Snyder, you will be amazed !
@@TheMacyiis this him?
czcams.com/users/live_0e3Bj_J_n4?si=Bxmuu37EDjz-Ddi9
IDK, I think Better Bachelor, Fresh&Fit, Coach Greg Adams, Alpha Central, WheatWaffles and Darius M know what's happening in the dating scene.
I love that. Secure love gives you back brain power and peace that can be used to advance other areas of your life. I was anxious/avoidant and if I hadn’t been to therapy, I would’ve completely overlooked my “boring” partner (who’s actually not boring at all). We’ve been together in a secure relationship for 8 years now.
I feel bad for him. How high does your body count have to be to go to therapy for your own degenerate behavior. It must eat you up inside that you're treated better than you know you deserve.
Great podcast! Maybe because I come from an older generation - 50s - but for myself and most women my age that I’ve talked to, we more often struggle with over glamorizing the good things and whitewashing the negative. Took me a lot of work to rework these patterns and not the extreme opposite extreme also.
About finding initially "boring" partners eventually exciting, I can say all my close friends were "boring" to me at first. But they were trustworthy, supportive, and interested in me and, over time, they're still around and i find their company fun and interesting and, even more importantly, safe. Now, If I could only allow myself to do that with dating...
That’s a good analogy, smart
Her advice about the 37% thing has one huge flaw, it assumes that all the people in your sample would have committed to you if you wanted them to, and that the person you eventually choose will also be willing to commit to you. That's often not the case, especially with top tier guys. Many of them are happy to date and sleep with a woman but have no intentionof committing. If you sample 37 men and set the best one as your benchmark, he's probably a top 5% guy and has many other women chasing him. Then the guy you eventually choose will also be a top 5% guy and have lots of options, and it's unlikely he'll want to marry you over all his other options, although he'll probably be willing to date for a while and sleep with you.
It works for job interviews because pretty much everyone coming to the interview actually wants the job. If there was a substantial percentage of the best candidates who didn't want the job and for whatever reason just loved doing interviews then this method wouldn't work.
Of the guys who commit to a woman, even a few dates in public, that’s the sample size she has. Not the experiences with a guy that’s not in public
😵💫
Absolutely true, top tier guys have lots of options. One of those options is sleeping with women they have no intention of having a serious long term relationship with.
When I heard her saying that the term "alpha widow" immediately jumped into my head.
That stood out to me as well. If you're not getting any date this is just meaningless.
I totally agree.
Telling girls to date 37 guys before making a choice is essentially telling her to burn out her oxytocin receptors.
Women who've had 20 or more partners are more likely to be unhappy in a relationship and 16x more likely to cheat.
Also similar to what you said, the level of guy, money, athletes, etc, a girl at 20 can attract for sex only is far more wealthy and good-looking than the guy she can attract later in life after 37 bodies.
I’ve got a Velcro wallet, had it for like 25 years, my gran brought it me and she passed 10 years ago. I’m keeping it as it’s sentimental.
Nothing wrong w that
That's sweet... or should I say, "vulnerable" 🙂
Absolutely! I totally agree with you and if someone judges you by something as small as a "wallet", then they don't deserve you anyway. Blessings to you for having respect for the love of your grandmother. You are the grandson every grandmother would want. She is watching over you. Blessings.
@@marieo5417 😹
I’m ok with that, if you’re being defined by a wallet then the problem is not that.
@@girlygirl1890 absolutely love that. Made my day 🙌🏽🫶🏽
Best podcast i heard in days, everything makes so much sense
These just keep getting better! LOVED this one. So insightful
Here's a tip for the ladies (and guys if you do that too), stop putting on your profile that you don't use the app and to contact you on your social media. The app is there to be used to meet people, if you're not willing to use it for that then you're not taking dating seriously. More often than not this is just a cheap way to gain followers or push OF etc, stop it!
Exactly! stop asking for my number in the beginning. Like get to know me first 😂
And guys… lose the fish 🎣
@@clairenicholls8024 As a rule now, I don't give my number until we meet IRL. Whatever app you're using is enough until you meet to see if you're happy with each other.
@@sherwoodregan What is this fish thing? I've on a site for years since I met someone.
It depends. I actually heard from someone who dates a lot that getting people off of the app as quickly as possible is helpful because they're more likely to focus on you instead of all the other options the app still offers them.
Of course it's useless to link to an OF but if they do, their primary intention isn't even to date so who cares what links they put in? It's better that they do, that way you know what they're in for.
People want to be so desperately in a relationship with anyone else, besides themselves.
People who are always in relationships are a huge red flag imo
Amen. I’ve found that many people hate being in their own company (Not just with relationships but in general). Always finding something to do rather than be alone with their own thoughts for moment.
💯
@@kahyui2486100% its a huge turn off. They dont like themselves so they use others to distract themselves from that. They cant validate themselves so they seek constant external validation to fill the void even though the void is a bottomless pit thats never filled, then they move on to the next.
This episode is great. It clarified a lot about the process of dating & looking for ❤. I think it validates: 1.being flawed (everyone is🤷🏾♀️), 2.fighting within a relationship and 3.taking time to learn who people are, yourself included. There are many other good points made herein, ie attachment styles, all of which points 2 watching this episode of Diary of a CEO and then getting the book, which I plan 2 do. Great job, Stephen & Logan!🙏🏽🌻💕
Thanks for interviewing so many brilliant men AND women
this video has OPENED MY EYES. i realise im very anxious attachment style and i just recently got out of a very toxic co dependant relationship where the cycle felt endless. this episode has given me clear answers and hope for my future. please bring this wonderful woman back!
What got you into attachment styles? How has learning about attachment impacted you when thinking about being prepared for future relationships? We love talking attachment, thats why I ask!
The so-called secure/insecure/avoidant attachment theory is just ludicrous, it is no science. You think your eyes have opened in reality she is completely misleading you. What she calls "avoidant attachment" is just player men who are of substantially higher value than the women they sleep with and who of course do not want to get entangled in a relationship with any of these women. The very same men would get entangled however with a woman that was indeed up to the level they seek themselves. These men are not "avoidant in attachment" it is just that they want only sex in the first place, they don't want all the package. Those she described as secure are just nice guys who do not even dare question the woman in fear of losing her. Transferring babies' reactions to mummy into adulthood is in vogue among psychologists but there is not any scientific evidence to back that up.
I had been in relationship-marriage for an overall of 16 years and two kids. I was faithful, I ticked all the boxes as a husband but in the end it took just me losing my job at the same time her career soared for her to want divorce - what a coincidence that my story is exactly the same as for millions of men around the world but anyway, that is for another topic. The fact of the matter is that as per theory she would describe me as "secure-attached" and I ticked all the boxes for that. Now as a divorced man I go on sex-tourism. I.e. I go to exotic places where my money and my race/appearence are very much popular among the local women. And I note the latter because it is not just about the money, I find plenty of women that want to not just hook up with me but marry (not necessarily to come to Europe but rather me staying there with them). And what do I do? I have sex with them and keep them at distance, then either abruptly or gradually ghost them. So what? I became now "avoidant-attached". LOL! Are we serious? Of course not. What I become when I go sex-tourism is the top 1% of the situation, women naturally want me, I just want sex from them and that is all.
There is not such thing as "insecure/avoidant/secure" attachment theory, this is all firecrackers and smoke, no real science. What is in there is merely people who are "dating" outside their real level - and this goes for women who date up, and men who mostly date down to have consistent access to sex. And that is something that women cause, not men. Men just want the sex. They will only strive for a woman at their level when it comes to marriage, if they want so. Women just can't understand that and it is them (and the men who are they going to marry eventually) who pay the price at the end.
In their 20s: "I just date the bad boys...'
In their 40s: "I've dated thousands of men and they were all toxic!"
YUP!! this same, sad song has been sung by MILLIONS of western woman. They keep doing the same thing over-and-over-and-over expecting different results.
@@josealexi5141the definition of insanity
there will always be simps to marry them in the end.
@@azenkwed not if we wake them up!
Loved this podcast! I feel like this is important for everyone to listen too would love to see more of these
I need to take notes. This is gold! It reminds me of DBT and Mindfulness Practice taught to people who have traits of BPD or BPD. This stuff works. We become anxiously- attached or avoidantly-attached because of trauma and very bad experiences in our past. They shape us. However, we #CAN CHANGE#!!! I *MUST* take notes. Thank you for discussing this so clearly and giving us a plan, actionable steps!!! I can definitely see the behavioural psychologist/scientist in you!!! 👍😊✍️
My fiancé had a Velcro wallet on our first date!!! Lol 😂 he wore a plaid button down shirt, and very poorly fitted khakis, with beat up cross trainers and thick white socks.
But he was SO funny. We later went to the bookstore and once I realized that he had read nearly every book I had read, well, that sealed the deal. I’m a huge book worm … and id never met anyone who read as much as I did. And I had definitely never met a guy who actually liked talking about books the way I did.
Clothes, wallets … all of it doesn’t mean much. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better partner.
Sweet, funny, and a total book worm like me.
Oh, and I eventually bought him a new wallet!!
😂
I completely forgot about it until watching this episode!!
Haha 😂 too funny 🥲🥲🥲
Great episode! I was watching it trying to understand my friend better and I got so many laughs from it :)
My advice is : Date Nerds! The guys who show up with velcro wallets are actually the real gems 💎
Better look for guys with Cold-Wallets ;)
Well said, but it's also ok to be a nerd with the sensibilities to buy clothes that look good and a normal wallet lol
I’m so sorry for you. I know you want better. You deserve vacations, luxury and a man who can provide with ease. I hope you’re still searching girlie ❤❤
@@hankson5002😂😂😂😂 if u know u know
@@sosoyeon578 Don't worry about her, she's not that trashy.
I nearly ran from a man I started dating a month ago. We got on great by phone but in person, I didn’t feel anything, except for an urge to flee. Luckily, I asked myself if maybe that was because I’d shut down and was cold and was being a triggered avoidant. I saw him again, more open this time and had a great time. I don’t know how this will turn out but I nearly rejected someone funny, kind, attentive and clearly ready for commitment because of some old BS patterning. This kind of information is essential. Until recently I had no idea I was doing this, it was always that they weren’t quite right.
Thank you Logan 😊
Edit: I am still with this person. I’ve met his family and friends and the connection is deepening. I still wobble sometimes when I get all up in my head but it passes. This is the first really healthy relationship I’ve had. For info, we’re both 53. It’s not easy but it is possible to change your patterns and the kind of person you can attract and stay with.
Do update us on how it goes! I'm in the same boat
@ionamcbrid Last yr, I got into a long distance relationship with a lady who(like yourself) also had an avoidant attachment style. I was the secure partner in the relationship. My ex gf even claimed how reliable, attentive, and emotionally stable I was. Almost to the point of being boring & predictable. Since she had been fighting stage 4 lung cancer for 2yrs. prior to meeting her, I took my responsibility as her partner to be her emotional anchor very seriously. I wanted to prove to her that she could count on me, and that I could add to the quality of her life no matter how much time she had left. I knew I could make her life better, and that I was trustworthy. I tried tirelessly to show her that boredom/plateaus was normal in relationships. They come & go. What mattered was the openness of our conversations, and that it took time to build trust & intimacy with each other by other means rather than just having sex. I tried to earn her trust by making myself vulnerable to her first, but the only thing she seemed to equate to intimacy was sex. I thought I made my points clear by the time I first visited her, she still tried to sleep with me🤯🤯🤯 I was still physically intimate with her: making out, and cuddling. Just not sex. I thought would've been enough. But it wasn't enough for her, even though I couldn't keep my hands off of her. She wanted sex. Though I carefully laid out all of my reasons, she still felt a deep sense of rejection when I refused her advances. Even after I explained again in deeper detail my reasons for not sleeping with her for not sleeping with her right away, She still felt rejected. I was very fortunate, Growing up as a child, I witnessed many healthy marriages that had spanned decades. Unfortunately, she did not come to the same realizations that you had just shared with us, and the relationship only lasted 4mos. I also found out that she was sleeping around in between my visits. Turns out, She was sleeping with random guys out of boredom🤯🤯🤯🤯 When I visited her, she was always stressed out constantly trying to plan things to do to keep us both entertained while I was perfectly content with staying in, cooking dinner together, and talking. I wish I had this video to watch with her to help her understand. I won't lie, I made my fair share of mistakes during my time with her. I know I'm FAR from perfect, bu I sincerely cared deeply for her, and wanted to make her final years better. The only thing I wanted from her was companionship, and someone I could trust. But she was more interested in constant excitement & playing emotional games. But it's already over, and after a yr of healing & reflection, I've decided to remain single. I did everything I could for her, and I was never responsible for her happiness. That was her choice. I've given up on trying to find any one to share my life with is too frustrating, and too dangerous. I'd rather be alone than to be labelled a creep.
That's so good to hear, people do change! We just have to get out of our comfort zone. Just out of curiosity, how old are you both??
Dang Lobster…. That’s one nasty turn out. I’ve always felt that it was a bad idea to have any long-distance relationship for exactly the results you had. As comfortable as the temporary distance might be, the physical intimacy is an absolute MUST. The temptation is just too much for those who know that they can easily acquire physical stimulation. Also, it shouldn’t come as a shock that someone who’s stable is not in the same headspace as someone with terminal illnesses. Kudos to you for somehow flowing through that scenario, but I hope all people avoid the temptation of having a long distance relationship because it’s tough to see how serious someone actually is about the relationship. 🤷♂️
@@firebolt100 I didn't even know about attachment styles until after I walked away from her. Prior to that relationship, I chose to stay single which lasted 15yrs until my loneliness got the better of me, and a mutual friend of ours introduced us over the phone. We started off as friends, but she was so good at mirroring me that I was fooled. I started to believe that we got along so well there could be a chance at something grater than friendship. My ex had a higher sex drive than I did which also lead to her cheating on me. Don't get me wrong, I do agree with You in regards to physical affection, and I was very affectionate towards my ex when I was around her, but I made a disturbing discovery in the final month of our relationship: she was either a Borderline with a lot of narcissistic traits, or a narcissist. Either way, they do not view sex & intimacy the same way a normie like You or I would. For the narcissist sex is bait on a hook: to keep their supply/fuel reeled in their lives, not to build bonds. My ex wanted to have sex the very day I arrived on my first visit to see her. I may have been excited to meet her, but we had only spoken for 3wks prior to actually meeting. When I refused her advances, she started using shaming language on me immediately!! At the time, I had no idea how delusional & unstable she really was. I accept my share of the blame for allowing things to develop too quickly into a relationship. That was foolish of me. I found it surprising how lonely I had been. And how starved for physical affection I had been. But surprisingly, I was in no hurry to have sex. I could wait to make out & cuddle with her, but sex could wait. I wanted to know her much better first. I'm actually very affectionate, so I heartily agree with You that affection is a key ingredient for a relationship to work. I admit, I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship regarding enforcing my boundries, which only emboldened her to overrun my boundries even more. When I ghosted her last Nov.('22), I was certain she was a narcissist. for the last 2wks of the relationship, everything said said to me was either a demand, shaming, or an insult. Knowing She was a narc, I accepted that She never had any intention of changing, or seeking professional help b/c she never saw nothing wrong with herself, or her behavior. I knew she avoided self reflection. And She flew into a defensive rage at the mere utterance of the word: 'accountability' unless it was in her favor. As I learned more about cluster B personality disorders in the subsequent months, Everything that I had witnessed and heard from her from her in the 4mos. that we were together made so much more sense. Even her end goal for me was nefarious: emotional punching bag, & ATM. Ultimately, if I was going to retain my own identity & emotional well being, cutting her out of my life completely was the only option. I never went very far into attachment styles during my research, but learned enough to figure out that she also had an anxious attachment style, and I had a stable attachment style. Which made her emotional drive made me think that she might have been a borderline for awhile. But further reflection with newly found information about her past proved she was a narc, and there would be absolutely no chance of any healthy relationship with her. What is important is that I found out about her narcissism, and I got away from her before she could establish any trauma bonds, or serious leverage that would force me to stay in her life thus exposing me to further abuse & manipulation. Even a year after ghosting her, I'm finally done healing. I consider myself to be old fashioned: meet someone that is a part of Your everyday life, or already part of a group of people who You see regularly. That is geographically close to you or within driving distance. Never online, or long distance. I haven't been in many relationships, but this is my first and will be my only long distance relationship. esp. since she cheated on me numerous times(object constancy is a common trait in Narcs & Borderlines) Even the same friend who initially introduced us eventually found out my ex was a narc on her own, and also had to cut her out of her own life. And in numerous phone conversations since the break up, has filled in some gaps about the ex I wish I knew about before I started talking to her. But still extremely useful information nonetheless. At the time of introducing us, neither of us had even heard of narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or attachment styles. Lesson learned. TBH, Unless a woman approaches me to show interest, I've accepted that I will remain single for the rest of my life. I can't bring myself to really trust a woman any longer. Esp. after learning about female nature as a whole.
Social media ruined dating. Delusional expectations, filters, emojis, gaslighting, and actually not seeing the facial expression of the other person but only a text. Am I missing anything?
Her eyes are so beautiful and her smile so giddy. I love her energy. And her msg is so important. Although im married I still am learning so much.
Can we get more people doing what she does? Some of us have pretty much just accepted defeat, exhausted from being considered "boring" or "desperate" for being like that guy who sent a list of fun things to do in Seattle. There's no space for people who don't want to play with the anxious/avoidant loop.
Facts
@thezoldics7648 At an extreme level I would agree with you. If a man is absolutely not physically attracted to a woman he will not be able to "perform." Also, a woman will not be happy knowing her partner does not find her attractive. Nevertheless, it shouldn't be necessary for a woman to be a "Victoria's Secret Model." However, if given the choice, I think every man would like a "10." Men and women nowadays need to adjust their priorities (be realistic) IF they actually want to be in a long term relationship.
Can you post the Seattle list?
@thezoldics7648she likely does know but her client base sounds predominantly women. 'Looks' are subjective. The majority of women rate the majority of men below average, prefernece knows no logic.
Men, while they may prioritise looks, rate women way less harsh.
People are also at different points in their lives. Many may prefer youth but life circumstances are complex and most would prefer being in a good relationship than being alone. That's the whole point. Look for perfection and die alone.
@@impancakingthat sounds like something a fat chick would say
Perfect unconditional & non judgemental love is so easy to find. Just that it has 4 legs, a fur coat and a wagging tail :)
❤❤❤
Do you have sex with it?
💯 Exactly! Humans are too much.
As long as you feed it. 😂😂😂
Amen to that!❤
finally i can put a term to what i'm experiencing, thanks for that - definitely looking into the avoiding attachment thing.
i always knew that i'm very emotionally distant and really having problems to connect with people. my unchecked tendency to push people i want to get close to away from me robbed me of the chance to getting to form a relationship with a woman i really liked last year. still in the process of finding my peace with that
Two things :
1) Imagine being her husband and hearing, "It took me a year to talk myself into giving him a chance." It sounds like she settled. I think it is possible to have a strong attraction upfront and a healthy relationship.
2) 1:14:36 - This is honestly the last thing a guy wants to hear. "I've had my fun," implies that a woman had casual sex with men who put in no effort. Then, "But now I'm ready for an LTR," implies a new guy will have to put in the effort they didn't.👎
Why are some guys in competition with the past.
@r0semary812 - The flip side would be if you were dating a guy who usually took every woman to five-star restaurants and on expensive vacations. But with you, it's McDonald's and day trips.
This is what men experience when a woman makes them wait for sex and jump through hoops, and other men got to have sex instantly with no effort or ever doing dates outside the bedroom.
@@r0semary812Because we have seen many, many cases where someone that is ‘fun’ comes along, then she will cheat on you, repeatedly, then she still gets half your stuff, plus child support, plus alimony. Seen it. Been through it myself.
Yep absolutely agree. I'd not be happy at all if my significant other talked about me like that in public.
@@r0semary812 The same reason why women are obsessed with the height of their partner. Its a biological impulse we can't control.
It is NOT hard to find love. It is hard to become healthy to learn to be loving and be able to accept love.
Bingo
Y’all say the dumbest things. 😂
@@Fatima-kp8hiwomen... what do you expect ?
Finding love is hard because unlike many things in life reciprocation is critical. Most people are selfish ass holes who only care about themselves. Love is saying no to yourself and saying yes to others.
This is a ridiculous comment, utter bullshit.
I was going to bed but now I'm not 😩 lol edit: I feel so called out, avoidant attachment and waiting to get my business off the ground and finish counseling before I date lol I never realized that I was actually avoiding dating. I'm taking notes for my counselor so we can work on it. Thank you so much for having her on.
@SawnaHill83 I am intentionally avoiding dating, I am divorced from a covert narcissist & in mid life caring for elderly parents & have no time for a relationship nor to give anything to anyone else right now other than my parents. I don't think avoiding dating is a bad thing if you're working on yourself & your business. You want to be secure in who you are in this particular phase in your life & then a relationship is a bonus, it ads to your life & you ad to theirs. As I mentioned, I am in midlife & my one largest regret at this point is being in relationships for so long from the age of 20 til' 50. If I had to do it over I'd have focused on myself. So, overall, my biggest regret is not being MORE self-focused, not less ;) Everyone has their own path. I'm also a retired psychotherapist :)
@@michellecd4722 thank you so much for your comment. I was in a relationship for over a decade and it was toxic. Right now I'm just healing and working on my goals, a documentary I did was recently implemented into the Canadian school curriculum so I just been focused on building my business because the ground work has been layed. That's amazing that you're helping with your parents, I believe it's never too late for real love so eventually I will be open to it but right now I'm just focused on goals.
Not criticizing but that's an interesting take. A guy would never be able to get away with that. He would be told "get your shit together first, then date. You're starting a business? Get it started first man. Also, heal yourself bro before you attach yourself to a lady".
I have a long list of things I want to do and dating is not even on the list😭I feel like it’s a distraction (now I know it’s because I’m avoiding dating💔)
This was so great. I got teary a few times. Not totally sure why but I think that’s a good sign. I really loved her.
I was too afraid to date when I was younger... but I also felt that I was being fetishized when I tried... all my relationships have disintegrated before they really began. I am grateful to have stumbled upon this. I was wondering about gathering a focus group of past loves and asking about what went wrong... I'm glad I came across this instead...
What she doesn't mention is the HUGE problem of putting too much information out on dating apps, it is basically giving a narcissist an instruction manual on how to manipulate you.
It's the worst thing you can do. I've met two abusive people on apps and now only put the bare minimum info out there about myself so I can see more of how they really are when we meet. Believe me when you put too much info it's hitting the jackpot for the narcs and sociopaths out there to adapt for you.
Lots of other good points in the interview though :)
Interested to hear bout it if you don't mind sharing that is. It's unfortunate this happens
@@PersisPWell said, I totally agree
Exactly. Also telling you should include family photo? Excuse me a little privacy for family member? Definitely not. Maybe in America but not in Europe.
Yup, I ended up hitched to a pathological narcissist by answering personal questions she wasn't answering herself until after getting my response, it gave her the chance to mirror me.
There are far fewer Narcissist than social media would have you believe. Yes people have the tendencies, but honestly there aren't that many, its a word which is way over used because people don't know the clinical definitions.
I’m 62 and widowed. Never thought I would need to learn all that you shared. It was fantastic
May you find whatever you seek in life, especially love! I know a man who fell in love in his 80's; one of the greatest gifts of my life.
The old women knowing nothing about relationships explains A LOT about today.
We always learning no doubt that love is king. 😅😅
62 is sooooo young.. so much to look forward to. It's a whole new planet with new possibilities.. experiences color our world 🌎 🦋
Yes!! Learning about the attachment theory helped me to understand myself better and understand others better. Which both of those come to be so helpful!!! Im only 12 min into the podcast, but i know it's going to be a good one .. as usual!!!❤
Sometimes the person is not avoidant attachment, he is just not into you. Simple as that
tbh when they're avoidantly attached, they're never actually that into you. hence the term "avoidant attachment". they're emotionally unavailable.
The problem is when women get clingier instead of realizing that I am not interested. If women never ask you out, how are you supposed to get them to stop wasting their time, and to stop harassing me? These type of women have no respect for my boundaries, and then get surprised when I lash out to defend myself. If he is pulling away harder, that is a sign that you are wasting your time.
I think the vulnerability only works when you are with a mature enough person..and the lack of that which stops of people becoming that with others
As someone who was lucky enough to find my husband at 20, I've always struggled with my female friends who seem to push away men who are kind, interested, successful, etc, and chase men who are unavailable or even cruel, all while telling me that I was lucky to meet a good guy like my husband. It's frustrating when you care about People and they don't seem to understand that they are self sabotaging
You knew him when you saw him (as opposed to "I met the right guy 45 times and treated him like shit every time" so perhaps you are due credit ('luck' runs out, y'know.)
I met my husband at 19 and we got married at 20. I reject her interview 37% theory. If you wait till you are 26 to choose a partner and you still have to get married and settled down, when are you going to start having children? My husband and I were together 6 years before our first. Those years we really build a solid relationship apart from our children. Plus by 26 your pool of possible applicants is dwindling. Of the hundred applicants about 50 have already found jobs. At 19 I had enough of dating. It is fun but also a bit exhausting.
That puts all the onus on the female. Don't men meet the right woman 45 times and treat her like crap?
@@pippadawg7037 it's also just not very romantic! My husband is not a statistic. I married him because I love him and we make eachother happy. I didn't need to have a tonne of relationships to know that I found the one, I just knew.
@@pippadawg7037Obviously not this one 🤷 (it was self-defense, I swear 🤞)
The best part of the conversation was when I found out that I can correct my anxious attachment. I’ll definitely be getting this book.
What a great podcast!! I didn’t want it to end I could listen to her forever!😂❤
I appreciated so much of what she had to say especially the scientific research behind attachment patterns and dating. However, even SHE didn't find her husband through a dating site so it's easy to say we should just deal with this "new normal" of dating websites. She used a dating coach which I think is great if you can afford it and she ended up with a man she met IRL at work. For some people, dating sites really are not the best way to meet people and are not normal and actually quite torturous and I wish she would have acknowledged that. For some people it's not that they are wanting an idealized meet cute, it's that they need something more than a dating site can provide.
So, how do you meet people romantically irl?
@@valentingartner3793I met a great guy after I joined an adult gymnastics class. I've also recently took up running and I've met a lot of lovely people through that. I also have a lot of friends who have dated friends of friends they met at parties.
99% of men I meet in the wild are taken. But online dating is the worst, so that’s out. I’m considering using a matchmaker🤷🏻♀️
I met my wife at the pub. If I were single today, I would join a charity, a foreign language meetup, a fitness class, Chess in the park, a 5km run club, I would go to my friends' parties and help in the kitchen before the party, I would join the association that plants flowers in the botanical gardens because I like gardening, I would get a dog and go to puppy classes and take the dog to the 5km runs when it is ready.... and I would use online dating apps and use photos from those things I was involved in. And eventually I will probably not really anticipate how I find love but I have made myself interesting and fit and had fun along the way.
Dating apps seem to be the sewer of dating for most but some really find a great partner through it.
Wish it was like the old days; going out and making eye contact with a great guy, flirting, introducing, dating....now most men do not even want to buy you a drink or put effort in dating but asking your place or mine, sad world.
Based on my professional experience as an attachment focused EMDR therapist, we can all work to become more securely attached…or become secure enough to attract a secure partner. ❤ 19:24
Learnt so much than in my entire life. Totally agree with Stephen. I will never read any other relationship book. It will also be a great gift for single friends seeking serious relationships. Another great interview with amazing insights. Your videos are the best!!!!!
Yes! I had that relationship (anxious attached and avoidant anxious). It was so painful, I had a very similar experience. Then I found a book on Codependency and it described that exact loop! It gave me SO many answers. It felt good to know WHY it happened and that I wasn't crazy or to blame. The distancer and the pursuer. Classic. Now married and we like to switch those roles around. I chase him and he distances, he chases me and I distance. We're aware of it and its almost comical
Is it not still painful?