F*ck The Spark And Other Ways To Not Die Alone | SXSW Online 2021
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- čas přidán 18. 04. 2021
- What’s holding you back from finding love? In this session, behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, will teach you how to recognize (and overcome!) your dating blindspots. You’ll discover why the spark is a myth, what really matters - and what really doesn’t - in a long-term partner, and why you think you know what you want, but you’re wrong. Logan blends data-backed research with practical exercises to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.
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Kudos to her husband for making it out of the friend zone.
It's more to do with the fact that she came to a realisation (with external help) rather than him doing anything and also him getting chosen by her after all that (relying on luck is risky). Anyways, most women (especially on dating apps) never come to this realisation and keep friend zoning, discarding or ghosting good men altogether only to later on complain where have the good guys gone until it's too late. Although she gives great advice on this video I doubt people on dating apps will ever understand and apply these.
@@kartikmhatre4679 3 men for every 1 woman. Plus the data shows a tiny percentage of men at the top get almost all of the engagement. It’s rigged against us.
Just don’t play the game. The whole thing is framed as a competition where you have to prove yourself.
Status is relative. You can join a social group that aligns with your values, for example, a church or a hobby group that has women and you’ll maximise your chances. Go where the women who are likely to like you are.
I met my current girlfriend entirely by accident. I wouldn’t have chosen her on a dating app, let alone the other way around.
You’ve got to be in it to win it, my friend. I wish you the best of luck.
@@aaronclarke1434 it doesn't work that way in India😅 but yeah I get what you're saying & thank you, good luck to you too...
@@kartikmhatre4679 haha. Get an arranged one. I would. They’re more successful, aren’t they?
@@aaronclarke1434 Not really, divorce rates have gone up in arrange marriages but 80% marriages in India are still arrange marriages & yeah I guess that's the plan since no luck in love.
1:00 How do you want your partner to make you feel?
2:15 What side of you does your partner bring out?
6:43 Mere-exposure effect. The more you spend time with someone the more you like them.
7:30 Are you confusing anxiety for chemistry?
10:50 Work it out mindset - love requires effort. If it feels like effort you are doing it right.
12:30 Small things often - making bids every day and turning toward their attempts to connect.
13:19 Intentional love - you are in the driver's seat of your love life.
14:40 "It's universally true that it's better to be up front and honest than to be unclear and find out things you didn't want to discover later."
16:55 What are your dealbreakers? What are your permissible pet peeves?
17:50 LT Success: loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, growth mindset, ability to make hard decisions together, what side of you they bring out
18:50 Sliding vs. Deciding -- What does each step of the relationship mean for us? Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you on the same page about where you are now vs. where you are headed?
20:50 Are you a ditcher or a hitcher?
21:25 If your partner were a piece of clothing in your closet, which would they be?
22:40 How are you actually feeling about the relationship? Is there something external going on? Have you put in all the effort that you can?
24:40 What is one bad dating habit that's holding your relationship back that you can work with a friend on changing?
What is one thing you can do today to invest more in your partnership?
Thx for the effort. I appreciate that 😊
You say looks and personality are less important than other qualities yet you say a platonic friendship isn't enough it has to be intimate but that's not possible without the looks bit, sorry it's contradicting. Redo your homework and bring it back to me😠
THANK YOU! ❤
The advice that single women need to hear, men usually figure this stuff out early on but women will continue to latch onto the concept of a "spark" while saving the bad boy's phone number while leaving the nice guy on read.
Men do the same thing but they go after looks n they ignore “unattractive” wmn n go after conventionally beautiful wmn instead of the good average women
@@dianasohn2515 I ain't going after Jabba the Hut if that's the type of unattractive Women us Men should go after.
Unlike Women, Men's standards for Women are realistic but the requirements on what Women want in Men are delusional all because the bad boys broke her heart or some other ridiculous reasons.
Tabs vs Spaces is definitely a deal breaker.
😅
Powerful content! Thank you for sharing all of this!
That was really good Logan, thank you. and thank you SXSW for sharing this with us. =)
Awesome talk, amazing book! Helped me a bunch!
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story. You and your husband are so cute. I loved your talk on Modern Wisdom too.
Thank you! Ghosting is the most frustrating thing to me, so I always try to give a clear answer if I'm interesting in woman who liked me or not. Talked with one girl who's also a ghoster to another men and she thinks it is fine because you can do it, so why bother to answer? In response to my explanation why it is bad, she said "You just try to be nice with people you don't know while you don't have to." I answered "No, I don't want to look nice, only not to hurt someone I don't know for no reason and I think ghosters are just lack of strengths to type ". Well, we both stayed at our positions.
If you have so little respect for others that you are ok with ghosting then you don't deserve a healthy relationship and you probably won't find one because healthy relationships are about more than just meeting your own needs..
I was scolded once for having in person goodbye
"why couldn't you just send me a text or simply ghost?? Why did I have to go all the way here and spend 3 great days with the rug being pulled from underneath?? You knew this convo will happen when I arrived, so every moment to now was a lie???"
3hrs of this in public.. With raised voice and quiet tears.. Waited for delayed train then driven him to the train station that was accepting travelers to his destination
Yeah.. Ladies.. Be mindful of what 'respect' means to other person.. From my pov, I was doing the best I can with shitty situation, being upfront and all the other jazz
From his pov I was vengeful and manipulative
Now, looking back, I sort of can imagine what should have given me a hint about different approaches in relationship management. But at the end of the day, I'd still do it again, just instead of listening to all this for 3 hrs while waiting for tracks to open, I'd immediately have dropped him off to the working station
Now, 2years later, we talk and help each other out but now there are propper'ish boundaries. It feels like that confrontation, no matters how disastrous it was in the moment, might have tought both of us a lesson or two
A 1 year after update. Now I'm totally fine with ghosting someone, because women are doing this all the time. But you know what? I never thought it would felt so redeeming to know that you can just ignore people if they cross your boundaries or just stupid. Now I'm even doing this in IRL and, oh boi, women are stick to me like mud, constantly trying to get my attention or some reactions. Funny enough that I don't need them anymore, because I see who they are.
She needs to get on a stream with Top G.
this whole video is amazing. Putting into words the practices of love. Love it!!!
Well said.
Wow so insightful.Thank you so much. I would also like to add that all these Hollywood movies and Rom -Coms have misled us to chase the Spark :(
So she picked a long-term good friend as her husband. This is very sensible and for the man it is likely what he had dreamt of for long. However, for most women this is not an option. They cannot suddenly still feel passion for a guy who is all too familiar and harmless for them. Even if they give the friend a chance, a different guy make "sweep them off their feet" later and it will be a breakup. Let's hope it does not end like this in the case at hand.
indeed and her story about her husband, seems to do more with luck, timing, right person at the right place at the right time, more than, a "strategic" and intentional plan of choosing him specifically. They eventually did of course, which is great, but ya know, the dating landscape isnt that simple nowadays especially. Like u said, it just SO HAPPENED no other dude came along etc.
There are a lot of dangers out there as well...
IE...mental, emotional, financial stability issues...
Life can be worse...keep that in mind too. Be careful out there.
Wow, so many haters in the comments! Logan's book and her advice has completely changed my mindset around dating. It's the hard truth I needed to hear, and I'm so happy I found it without spending another year being close-minded and anxious around meeting men. Thank you, Logan!!!
Maybe think about why there are so many haters and practice some of that empathy women claim to be the masters of. Women are the ones who have decided the winners in dating for 30 years, not men. Women shaped it and still do today. Time to take responsibility and help fix this mess that was allowed to happen.
As long as women will date hypergamously, these issues will not disappear. That’s why Ury’s advice is so valuable for women, as long as they change their dating behaviors.
This is amazing
What matters long-term 18:00.
I mean, if we equate "the spark" with "love at first sight" I agree here. I think the concept of "love at first sight" , the word love specifically, not lust, but love, that concept is non-sensical and silly. To that end, I agree here. HOWEVER, guys need to understand i dont care what she says, just because your a nice guy, do nice gestures, and maybe even have a lot to offer, does not mean a woman will ever be long-term romantically and/or sexually attracted to you, i mean, thats just the reality. And I kinda feel thats what she's getting at here, that woman have to "give the nice guy a chance schtick" when you just cant force natural human romantic attraction.
People don't realise that "the spark" is largely based on just looks and charm lol. You feel attracted to them? Well, duh, everyone else feel the same - coz they are just attractive people.
Interesting !
How do you find a good dating coach?
I agree with almost all of this but I don't like how you worded it "if your relationship feels like work, that's a good thing." Because when you're in a healthy relationship that does put in the work, it doesn't feel like those things are much work. So a lot of people who are in very negative, toxic relationships that it is a huge amount of work and takes a toll on you, are going to see this and think, so my relationship is good. You need to clarify that more or use different wording.
Not true. There will be times when a relationship feels like work. Especially if you have kids etc You make it sound like a Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after. Life is not like that. Only narcissists believe that. Relationships at times require personal sacrifice and you have to determine whether the sacrifice is worth it.
She correlated 'work' to effort (a determined attempt) - you need a great work ethic to succeed. Put in the work (effort) and you will be promised wealth and abundance.
"Mess with the chick that likes you, not with the one you like."
By pimp Johnny Dollar
I'm in my 50s. I'm a successful engineer living in Silicon Valley. I'm also a musician. I own a home that I bought with my own earnings. I have no family. I have no real friends. I have no love. I have no kids. I spend every Christmas alone - and isolated from any humans. 20 years ago I was using dating apps - but, dating apps never worked for me (because I'm short and ugly). So, I gave up. I'm still single. I hurt inside. I want human companionship - but, that's not going to happen for me. If I were to disappear tomorrow only the bill collectors and my employer would notice. =(
@silvermica Compassionate psychotherapist here. You seem to be smart, talented, creative and financially secure. These are attractive qualities to an emotionally healthy woman. Telling yourself that you are short and ugly (i.e. unattractive or unloveable) may be part of the problem. We tend to believe what we tell ourselves. Please find a good therapist who can help you discover any false core beliefs that may be causing you to think negative thoughts about yourself and miss receptive signals in nice women. Find community with other musicians. Volunteer at an organization that supports kids with no parents or absent parents. Please don't conclude and accept that being alone is your fate.
@@ebd12345 - Around the 2000s I conducted a test for dating apps. Would you be interested to know the results?
@@ebd12345 - I'm guessing CZcams is deleting my comments. Why? I haven't a clue, but my apologies if this messages gets out twice. Anyway. . . During the early 2000s I was on a dating site - and conducted a test. Would you be interested in knowing the results?
@@ebd12345 - The "Compassionate psychotherapist" ghosted me. I'm not surprised in the least. So, there's your proof.
@@silvermica Please do share your results nonetheless -- I'd be interested (as someone who never used such an app.)
I once ghosted this girl, reason was she started bad mouthing people during our date. I really don't want to talk to her again or explain why I don't want to talk to her.
Yeah I also think while ghosting generally is bad, it's not a black and white issue. Like there was this guy who already had in hist profile a comment about how he thinks ghosting is messed up but common on the app. Our date was absolutely low maintainance m, very spontaneous, I didn't really dress up but he didn't even bothrr to wesr proper pants but just some training pants and just didn't know how to hold a conversation. Felt like I had to always initiate topics etc.
So after the date I knew that I really don't want to have a second date (despites giving many guys a second chance around that time). So I send him a message thanking for the date but letting him know it's not a fit to me. So he started calling me shallow basically for deciding "after just a few hours" that I'm not interested lol. I told him that I have ended up with a friend and had a 1 year relationship before with someone that I initially had no romantical interest in, but unless he's willing to just keep meeting as FRIENDS only and who knows after how long if a flip switches, that I'd rather not waste his time
Yeah he didn't really react after that lol. Think that's probably why he gets ghosted often 😆
@@ninoslanguagejourney6002 love that , haha
@@ninoslanguagejourney6002 lmfao at least you were honest and communicated openly
@@ninoslanguagejourney6002 I didn't think I would disagree with you, but you didn't give him a chance! What does it mean if the date is low maintenance? This looks like a classic case of the fundamental attribution error: the tendency for people to over-emphasize dispositional, or personality-based explanations for behaviors observed in others while under-emphasizing situational explanations. Also, if he's not charismatic on the first date, he can still grow on you over time. Again, you could have given him another shot.
Pity is reserved for displays of weakness
Can't imagine strong relationship development if the foundation is pity towards either direction
I suppose there are people that not only can imagine, but thrive with pity. All the best for them, I'm not the best
How about a perspective for someone in their 60's and beyond?
Jane Austen wrote a book on this.
18:00 what to look for. Loyalty, kindness, emotional stability
I agree. As long as the guy is a chad.
@@circleofattention6021that’s my plan to 😂.
I’ve been seeing her videos a lot in my algorithm, I see that a lot of guys are watching and engaging but I feel that her message applies and should be targeted more to women?
Could hinge not afford a mic worth more than 40 dollars?
To answer the wardrobe question…my partner would be a pair of socks I can’t find. 😂
It’s silly to let your fear of dying alone get hold of you since you can still die alone even if you had a partner now. How about stop collecting red flags and stop looking for a relationship? That has given me so much peace.
I’m glad you are encouraging women to look outside of their crazy expectations but guys are burned out by this already. If you called me about all your bad dates and ignored me as the better choice, I’d tell you that I was saving my emotional energy for a partner that was interested in me. Then I’d wish you luck, tell you that I hope you grow up and then I’d hang up. You platform Hinge is full of broken women like who encourage the bad men with their antics and discourage good men. Most guys just play the game as defined by the woman so I cant blame the guys either. Women broke dating, fix it.
I disagree. Men (simps) who are giving likes to hundreds of women on dating apps are actually digging their own graves. Men should be more selective and then women would adapt. If
a girl only gets a couple of likes instead of hundreds, then the balance would be reinstated.
@@circleofattention6021 in what way do you disagree? Im not in favor of simps. Men should be selective once they see a bad sign, like being kept around as an emotional crutch who hears complaints about bad dates as she related in her experience. Men need to walk away from that.
I’m 18 and I’ve been failing at even the talking stage💀…so I’m finding help for myself and this was in fact helpful👌 10/10
17:35
What would you do if an old university friend keeps texting you about normal things, but he is married and you dont want to get into trouble? I keep ignoring him but not sure if i should say something hahaha or just let him understand... anyone?
Life is short, have your fun but don't get into trouble
I was wondering if she has any advice for asexuals? Any hope for us? I live in a metropolitan area but still can't find someone who is okay with just a romantic relationship (no sex). A lot of times the guys would say they are fine with just romantic but get upset later about the no sex. I understand their needs are important so I let them make the decision they think is right for themselves. But it leaves me feeling there might be no hope for me...
Why not specifically look for other asexuals?
@@jellyrcw12 because the dating pool for asexuals is very slim. There is no dating apps for them and the one dating site from what I saw in my area, only had like 10 people to choose from. And none of them interested me or connected
Have you tried compromise? A guy with healthy levels of testosterone will want sex, simply because its natural and sex is the glue that bonds men to their woman. Granted their might be guys who do not feel that way about sex, me being a guy and hanging with guys i think your best bet is to compromise simply because your other half wants something too, specially if you are attractive.
@@vyzardojaggerjack6387 I'm willing to compromise but the frequency at which most males want sex seems too much for me. I'm okay with something like once every few months but not every other day or every week. Almost every guy I spoke to seemed to have desired a weekly basis and thats too much for me. I get sex is healthy and normal for most people. I guess i'm an outlier
@@vyzardojaggerjack6387 I feel kinda a stupid hypocrite now. A lot has happened since I posted this. Thought I'd be single forever and was ready to be that way. A lot of guys rejected me because of my health issues and restrictions around sex. I only happened to got lucky when I least expected it from venting to someone I already knew and found out he was okay with no sex because he was waiting for me all this time. So now I feel utterly stupid. I still was prepared to remain single forever if needed to because like you said, sex is natural and healthy and not many people out there are truly asexual.
She friend-zoned her husband lol
As a teenager and in my early 20s, I had the foolish notion that only girls who were hard to get were worth having, so I was not interested in those girls who seemed to want me. The result of this foolishness was that most of the time, I had no girlfriends, and I grew tired of the few that I had very quickly.
One unforgettable day in my mid 20s, a friend of mine, who always had lots of girlfriends, told me that it was easy to do. He said I just had to go for the ones who liked me.
EUREKA! I put his advice into practice with everything I had learned about understanding women's body language, and my success rate shot up from may 2/10 or 3/10 to very close to 10/10.
Very quickly, the main thing that turned me on in a woman became her desire for me. That became my instant spark, BUT I only let it burn when I found a woman reasonably attractive in other ways too. As a result of my new super power, I occasionally had some girlfriends who I would previously have thought were out of my league, either because I did not notice their more subtle signals of attraction to me, or because I might have thought they were just messing with me for their own sadistic kicks, hoping I would approach them so they could just crush my hopes. (We used to call that type cock teasers.)
Men should understand this; no woman is out of your league when you are confident in your ability to sense her sexual interest in you. I'm not saying every woman who takes a shine to you will want a long term relationship, but if you play your cards right, you should be able to get her in bed.
For me personally, a spark has got to be there from the start, and I have to see it in the woman before I can feel it. I started dating my wife on that principle, and we've been together over 40 years, but I had a LOT of other very enjoyable relationships before settling down.
welp... guess i'm staying single
Is this message about lowering your standards? This is my perception. June 9, 2024. USA
9
Scott the Simp.
so u force yourself to date even if you dont feel like having sex with her?
Men, if you're reading this, I know it's difficult dating these day. But please have enough self respect to not be the man that a woman settles for, only after shes had her fun with other guys. If she didn't want you from the very beginning.... *then it's because she doesn't actually like you.* And she never will. Do you really want to marry a woman that had to convince herself to want to be with you. Are you really that desperate?
97% of men are desperat. And most females settle. It’s like in her 18-30 she is « renting» , then want’s to buy a apartment or house and understands the hard way that the cool small New York rental cost 3-4 million dollars, and she has 0,2 for downpayment with « mr settle» 😂
If a woman wants you after dating other guys, it could be because she realizes that you are the best one for her. Maybe she turned you down before because you lacked confidence, but she might have found out, with time, that you have important qualities that her previous boyfriends lacked. Are you still so lacking in confidence that you are convinced that she has only turned to you as a last resort, after being rejected by the other guys? You might be cutting your nose to spite your face.
@@richardcaulker1017 maybe, it could also lead to divorce and poor relationship quality later.
@Shane A man should have enough experience to know whether or not a woman has genuine love for him. The signs are impossible to hide for long, and he should not turn a blind eye to them. Some men see negative signs, but they believe that the woman will change if he proves to be a worthy husband. It doesn't usually work any better for those men than it works for women who think they can change a bad man.
However, there are men and women who can put up with bad partners, and they will tell you that no marriage is perfect, which is true.
Preach brother
I thought women were supposed to be emotionally intelligent - how do you confuse anxiety with chemistry? One is a positive emotion and the other is negative, how do you confuse that?
In psych classes you learn that emotion is "arousal plus a label." (Not sexual arousal.) The physiological response is the same regardless - heightened pulse, skin conductivity, etc. Before a big event you might be excited or nervous and which one it is depends entirely in the story you tell yourself.
This is one of the reasons for the cliche of going to a scary movie for a date - the scariness from the movie can be confused with being excited about the date.
the only ,ajor drawback with onezie pajamas is when you put it on, if you aren't paying attention and handling the garment with care, its zipper can bite you right on the d***.
Christ on a bike!?
I'm more worried about dying homeless than alone. The best way to die homeless is to get married because marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Divorce will gut your retirement and line the pockets of the legal system.
She, like most women, overvalued herself and thought she was better than her husband. Probably still does.
She probably is better than her husband. Lots of hot men marry basics. Her problem is she chases men. They think it’s desperate
@@samanthacartwright3407 Chad probably had fun with her....sure. No, she will probably not get a top guy long term. But because she was selected for the night she thinks she's more valuable than she really is.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Guys are not playing women's games. If the woman says no. The guys are done and move on. The "Chase" is over.
As a member of the 6'5 club .... Y'all are very confusing
A lot of SDO (social dominance orientation) personalities in the comments. Embarassing really.
llove, is a great liar.
i feel your promoting being put in the friend zone where you get free validation while your searching for the chads and bad boys. You wasting that guys time because he is not good enough for you for a relationship. Multitudes of men have been put in the friend zone and once there always there !!! Unless you leave it
She is. She’s using the “nice” guy and will never truly be into him.
The book didn’t help me. As an ugly person. It had no chance for me. I don’t wanna hear no bs that I have a chance. I never did in the first place. The book even said it only applies for people above ugly. How is that supposed to help me? What a waste of time.
I'm a bit higher than average and I've dated guys (that would be considered as ugly) because of their personalities, curiosity to life and kindness. I understand a struggle of an "ugly" person, but if you think that's the only reason you get rejected, you have to reevaluate yourself.
It is very tough to be ugly. But most of us-- male & female-- aren't wildly attractive. You can work on the package. And
as Logan advises, choose pragmatically.
If you're a man, (1) be funny. Females are drawn to the big brain, and funny is the quick indicator.
(2) improve your look. Which celebrity do you most resemble? can you do something to get closer to that look? superficial,-- hair, skin, teeth, face, style. Or deep. It's not against the law to talk to a qualified plastic surgeon about what might work best. You can find several on YT. Dr Gary Moytke (sp?) Extreme money but see what you think.
If you’re ugly you need to be rich
Your attitude is the barrier not your appearance.
@@samanthacartwright3407
Not true and it's horrible that you would even say that!
You must be quite young to say something so erroneous and trite.
75% of modern dating problems would be eliminated if people stopped sleeping around before marriage.
Nature don’t care about your ideal world. Would have been perfect. Communism also sound great « on paper», but the world don’t work like that
This is bullshit. You’re telling people to settle.
If you don't want to die alone then you have to settle for someone at some point.
Women only find 1 in 5 men physically attractive. This isn't a problem for very attractive women, because they can get those 1 in 5 men. But for most women, you can either settle for a man you're not attracted to, settle for being used for nothing but sex by a man that you *are* attracted to, or.....be alone forever. Are you in the top 20-30 percent of attractiveness for women? If not, then these are your options. Only you can decide what's best for you. But the longer you wait, then the less likely it will be to find a man that you're actually attracted to. Because men are much less attracted to older women. I stopped blaming women for this, I'm not saying it's your fault. I wouldn't want to be with a woman that I wasn't attracted to either. But women are designed to be VERY selective about men. ONLY the top men are truly desired. Because that's just how mother nature designed women. That's how nearly all female animals are. That's what benefits evolution and survival of a species. Maybe try giving an average man a chance to grow on you. I know that I can develop a real attraction for women overtime that I wasn't initially all that attracted to. Good luck 🙃
Lol you ain't that smart. She's actually telling you the opposite. She's telling you to not chase after people who do not want you. If you call being with a person who makes you feel 'desired accepted, appreciated and secure' as settling, it says everything we need to know about your superficial narcissistic desires. You're obviously willing to settle for someone who treats you like a side chick who makes you feel undesired, unappreciated and insecure. You don't realize it but you're not that special, despite what the media is telling you.
@@jaythenihilist4689they will try to do that. But it won’t work long term. Because of these mechanisms you are talking about. The future is polygamy. One man with 2-4 wifes. And it was females who made it happen 😂
She talks absolute nonsense.
Explain
@@jellyrcw12 cope talk
@@jb894 Dude she's married lol. There is no cope
@@jellyrcw12 the stuff she is saying is cope talk.
@@jb894 dude what are you even Saying?
Haha another story of beta guy picking up what alpha guy left.