Baby Reindeer: Trauma Bonding defined. Therapist review.
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- čas přidán 22. 05. 2024
- TIMESTAMPS | CHAPTERS
00:00 Intro/First Impressions
00:17 Richard Gadd explains Baby Reindeer
00:52 Victims/Perpetrators
01:27 Donny interview/admits mistakes
02:12 What is trauma bonding?
02:32 Review of Episode 1-3
03:25 Martha Stalks Donny
03:50 Donny's history of trauma from Darrien
04:30 Donny's trauma response activated
05:12 Trauma Bonding between Donny and Martha
05:50 Donny has empathy for Martha
Netflix's new series "Baby Reindeer" captures the attention of audiences with its intriguing premise and complex characters. "Baby Reindeer" begins by introducing us to the main character, Richard, whose life becomes complicated and eventually turned upside down by a seemingly harmless encounter. The series is based on a critically acclaimed one-man stage show by Richard Gadd, which shares the same title, and brings to life the same intense emotional and psychological themes.
"Baby Reindeer" thrives on its ability to create a suspenseful atmosphere that holds viewers' attention from the first episode. The series explores the themes of obsession, privacy, and the impact of past trauma. As the show progresses, "Baby Reindeer" delves deeper into Richard's psyche, providing a rich narrative that explores the boundary between compassion and compulsion.
The plot of "Baby Reindeer" is driven by Richard's encounter with Martha, a customer at the bar where he works. What begins as a simple act of kindness-Richard providing Martha a glass of water-quickly spirals into a relentless campaign of stalking. "Baby Reindeer" portrays Martha's obsession with Richard in a way that is both disturbing and thought-provoking, challenging the viewers to reflect on the nature of relationships and the need for boundaries.
Richard's struggle in "Baby Reindeer" is portrayed with a raw intensity. His attempts to manage Martha's increasing invasions into his life are depicted with a realism that many can relate to in the age of digital privacy concerns. "Baby Reindeer" uses this personal story to touch on broader societal issues, making the series not just entertaining but also significant.
The series benefits greatly from its casting. The actors bring depth to their roles, making "Baby Reindeer" a character-driven drama that relies on strong performances to convey its complex themes. The tension between Richard and Martha is palpable, making each episode more compelling than the last.
Directorially, "Baby Reindeer" showcases a minimalist style that focuses on the actors' performances and the script's sharp dialogue. This choice ensures that the psychological depth of the narrative is not lost but rather highlighted. Each scene in "Baby Reindeer" is meticulously crafted, from the lighting and camera angles to the set design, all contributing to the claustrophobic feeling that mirrors Richard's psychological state.
The writing in "Baby Reindeer" is another high point, with dialogue that resonates with authenticity and emotion. The script does an excellent job of developing the characters gradually, revealing their complexities layer by layer. "Baby Reindeer" doesn't rush its storytelling, which allows the tension to build naturally and the characters' motivations to be fully explored.
As "Baby Reindeer" progresses, the stakes become higher, and the impact of Martha's obsession grows more severe. This escalation is handled with a careful balance of drama and realism, preventing the series from veering into melodrama. The suspense is maintained throughout, making "Baby Reindeer" a binge-worthy series.
Aside from the main narrative, "Baby Reindeer" also includes subplots that enrich the world of the series. These stories add layers to the main narrative and provide a break from the intense main storyline, while still contributing to the overall themes of the show. They ensure that "Baby Reindeer" maintains its pace and engagement without overwhelming the viewer.
In conclusion, "Baby Reindeer" is a compelling addition to Netflix's lineup. It combines excellent writing, strong performances, and a gripping plot to create a series that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. The show's exploration of serious themes like obsession and privacy is both timely and timeless, resonating with contemporary audiences while providing enough depth for substantial discussion. "Baby Reindeer" is a must-watch for those who appreciate psychological dramas that challenge as much as they entertain. #babyreindeer #netflix
Let me know your thoughts once you watch Baby Reindeer.
Thank you for this! I was trauma bonded to my abuser and it was the most confusing time of my life. I didn't understand my own behaviour
Thanks for commenting, and I'm glad you got out of your abusive relationship. It can be a very confusing time.
Same here. I do remember feelings of “I deserve this, this is alI I’m worth, it’s my fault” etc.
I hope it’s gotten better for you.
@@poetryjones7946 I hope the same for you :)
I kept going back...had no idea why. Thought I was crazy for it.
@@emilyau8023 it’s very confusing for the victim. People go back due to the intermittent reward, feelings of shame, low self worth, or a sense of responsibility to the abuser. There can also be a lot of emotional manipulation. The only way out is to cut off contact and take time to heal.
This story one of the perfect example of Karpman’s Drama Triangle. While trying to rescue someone, actually you want to rescue yourself. And the victim person you want to rescue suddenly can be the persecutor and next thing you cand find yourself as a victim. So this cycle repeat itself again and again. We can clearly see the switching roles for each person in this series.
In addition to that, Teri is one of the healthiest character. Because Teri is powerful, Donny can’t find his main motivation in this relationship. Usually she doesn’t need him, she is strong. Except, when she was attacked by Martha, she needed to be protected. Donny felt functional himself for the first time and he found a place in this relation/her house. Donny always needs victims. He can be the only rescuer, can’t be the someone else.
I really love Teri in this show, and I really love how she was able to hold up a mirror to Donny and try to get him to take some responsibility. I'm glad she got out of the relationship.
I hadn't thought of the Karpman's Drama triangle in reference to this series, but you're right. They keep switching roles.
I love Teri. She is a truth-teller, which I've always been since I was very, very young. I really identified with her character.
I stood up to my ex last night and felt in the process like I was channeling her. I felt so powerful.
The only thing I don't like is that she talked a big game about putting Martha in her place, but when the woman attacked her, she was basically helpless.
Come at me, bro. FAFO.
With all the attention this show got I hope Richard is healing from his trauma instead of living it all over again.
I hope so too. After all, it is really a show about HIS trauma and his journey.
The character who frustrates me most is Teri. She's a LICENSED THERAPIST, yet she can't figure out that her boyfriend is spiralling downward due to trauma bonding/PTSD issues? Martha is INSIDE DONNIE'S HEAD and controlling him. The guy is afraid to leave the house or look out a window.Yet Teri puts the blame on Donny, even accusing him of 'enjoying' it. Her license should be confiscated and shredded into pieces.
Naturally, Donnie is going to continue listening to Martha's messages and obsessing over her after she's put away, because locking up the abuser does NOT instantly put an end to the victim's learned patterns of abuse.. It's the same reason so many vets struggle to readjust to life after returning home and end up killing themselves--their brains are still fighting in the warzone.
This series not only did an incredibly realistic job depicting mental/psychological abuse, it also showed how society severely minimizes and undervalues Male trauma. Poor Donnie had neither the tools or the support to handle his crises.
Once of the moments which brought a tear to my eye was when Keeley visited Donnie at the end and asked him to move back in with her mother. Keeley acknowledged Donnie's traumatic experiences and how awful life must have been for him. FINALLY,, SOMEBODY took the time to say they understood, and offer compassion and support without judgment or criticism. For an abuse survivor, that acknowledgment means the world.
Hi, I really appreciate your comment. One reason this show is so powerful and resonates with many is because Donny is male and we get to see how trauma affects men. We rarely get a glimpse of how trauma affects men.
The moment that also had me in tears was when his father validated him and shared his own experience of abuse.
An incredibly frustrating moment for me was when Donny was trying to be honest with his guy friends about the stalking and they dismissed his concerns and sent that "sexy" message to Martha. That could have been a turning point for Donny.
Men are less likely to report abuse because it's not taken seriously. At the same time, women's SA and stalking is not taken seriously either. It's a huge problem.
As far as Teri is concerned, I think she had to save herself. Yes, she is a therapist but she can't be the therapist to her partner. She could have potentially ended up very Codependent with him. Also, keep in mind that the real-life Donny does admit that he did enjoy some of the attention he was getting from Martha. Yes, this is a trauma response by Donny, however I don't think Teri needed to put herself in danger. Martha did assault her.
Based on each viewer's history, we are all going to react based on our own biases and past experiences. I do respect your opinion and see how you could feel that way.
@@pridetherapy Thank you for your response, and also for defending Teri. It's true that Teri's job isn't to be Donny's therapist. I may be be saddling her with too much responsibility.
I have been looking for information online regarding how emotional trauma/ abuse/PTSD specifically effects males and am disappointed by the lack of results. Without meaning to overgenerallize, I believe males and females can be triggered differently. I'm wondering if you might have any information to share on this matter.
As a man who experienced severe emotional trauma/gaslighting during his marriage 30 years ago, I found BABY REINDEER to be very triggering, yet extremely accurate in its depictions. The series so brilliantly portrayed how the mental trauma resulting from the stalking slowly wore down his coping abilities. That it has gained such popularity since its release makes me wonder if men are feeling the same way I am.
I can think of nothing more terrifying than a woman being stalked by a man. To live in constant fear for one's physical safety would be a living nightmare. And though I recognize that 'trauma is not a competition,' and it's neither possible nor fair to 'measure' abuse, I can't begin to imagine a female's fear of physical and SA by a male perpetrator.
Whereas when it comes to mental/emotional abuse, I truly belive it effects males on a different scale. Not necessarily worse, just different.While I have no data to back up this theory, I've spoken to a lot of men who've expressed the long term effects of mental abuse in their own lives. And the common factor always seems to center around long-term shame and guilt due to their inability to recognize the abuse, and their inaction to do anything about it.
We can recall the scene in BABY REINDEER when Martha physically attacks Donny with a glass. Donny is bloodied, but appears almost numb to it. The physical altercation pales in comparison to the months of emotional abuse he's endured. When Donny punched Martha in self-defense I admit to feeling a brief moment of elation which quickly turned into fear. Regardless of his reasons Donny put his hands on a woman, and I immediately assumed that would lead to his arrest.
By contrast my ex-wife and I were never physically violent, though years later she admitted trying to purposefully provoke me into a physical altercation. My wife understood full well how any bruise received by me would completely work to her advantage and label me as a domestic abuser. At gatherings with friends, I'd sometimes catch her 'flinch' from the corner of my eye when lifting my hands in conversation. Because she knew this was a common characteristic of someone who's being physically abused, to instinctively 'jerk back'- and that someone at the table might pick up on it. And when a friend did ask her if "everything was okay," my ex gave the most clever response. She replied, "You don't understand..he's under so much stress..he's a really good man," and left it at that.
My ex-wife was setting me up, by attempting to create an entire fiction about who I was.
Over time I began to sense alienation from friends. At the same time she was successfully distancing me from friends and family members by feeding me untruths they'd allegedly said about me while in her presence- and which she "really didn't want to tell me." No surprise that she singled out the people closest to me who were also most susceptible to seeing through her lies. All I needed to do was confront someone, and ask them straight out if what my ex told me was true. That would've blown the entire roof off all the manipulation and deception going on. But I never did. While my entire character and reputation disintegrated, my response was to remain passive and do nothing.
So why would my ex go to all this trouble to destroy me? Well, she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality, and she was a compulsive liar with a history of SA. And the strangest part of all was that I'd already known this about her. I knew before marrying her that she had mental problems, and that she'd frequently told great lies and stole things. But she also loved me, madly and implicitly, and believed I was the funniest, handsomest, most talented man who ever walked the earth. She always knew the right thing to say, and everyone she met instantly adored her and viewed her as my 'better half.' But only a year into our marriage, I confessed that I wasn't sure if our getting married was a good idea and wanted a divorce. She took it very hard, so I told promised her that we would work on our relationship. And shortly after that is when all of the gaslighting began. She did it because she 'loved' me, and so I wouldn't leave.
I can say with complete certainty that I would've rather had my arms broken or been hit in the head multiple times with a glass than go through the emotional trauma that was inflicted upon me. Her lies became so incredible that the distress caused by them made me consider taking my own life. Though I never worried for my physical safety, I lived everyday in constant fear of what she might do, suspecting it would be much worse if I ever tried to leave. One time she told me out of the blue, " I honestly doubt you would ever sa a child, and if anyone ever accused you, I would never believe them." That compliment confused me at first, but over time I grew to take it as a warning.
And despite all of this, there was a part of me that believed her lying was all my fault for not loving her enough. Once the abuser gets inside of your head, they learn to control your mind and actions. I compare it to a chess opponent who knows your thought process so well that they can predict your next move before you even do. An excellent manipulator makes you believe you're the one in control and causing the problems.
Please do not think I am suggesting that my experience is indicative of most domestic abuse situations, or that male to female abuse doesn't occur on a far greater scale. I am in no way trying to imply this and have no respect for men who abuse women.. But I also know men in emotionally abusive relationships who were set up and took the bait, who fought back in self-defense, and who now have the arrests on their record for it. Attorney friends of mine- both male and female have told me how frequently women falsely accuse their male clients of abusing them and their children. Yet these friends won't admit this openly, for fear of sounding like they 'doubt all women.' I don't doubt all women. But I cannot be satisfied with the excuse that 'it happens to women more' as justification for denying male abuse happens. It was the worst ordeal I've ever been put through, and although therapy saved my life, I still live with the residual PTSD 30 years later. I've only recently felt able to talk about it openly.
Thank you for reading. If you know of any information specifically related to male emotional trauma and PTSD, I would be very appreciative to read it.
@@trao1938 Wow. This sounds like a true living nightmare. I appreciate you sharing your story and I wish more men would share their stories.
You're right, we don't have to compete between genders as who suffers the most from abuse. It's not the suffering Olympics.
Men are less likely to report their abuse due to shame, and they are also less likely to talk about it to anyone and will often turn towards avoidant strategies (drugs, alcohol, food, overworking, anything to numb out) in order to cope.
I can tell you are trying to be careful to not dismiss abuse against females, but I want you to know that your abuse is just as horrific and severe and many men are victims too. I hope more men can speak up.
I will try to get some resources for you. I will get back with you.
@trao1938 I'm sure it must be frustrating to watch someone continue to put themselves in dangers way. I can see why she did what she did to remove herself from the situation. We do need to remember the stalker ripped a huge piece of her hair out and he didn't report it or do anything to stop her being endangered again.
@@debral9651 I understand your point. Teri needed to look after her own safety when Donny didn't report Martha's assault. I do think though, that Teri was ultimately responsible for filing the report on her own behalf, regardless of Donny's inaction. Because her instincts that Martha was a dangerous person were absolutely correct.
I've asked Ms. Sloan for any info specific to how men react and respond to male trauma, because I do believe men often tend to handle it differently. What seemed to disappoint Teri most was Donny's reluctance to take action and DO something to protect them both. Men are traditionally looked upon as 'problem solvers' - and we know this. We've known this since childhood. It's the reason why little boys fight so much. We don't always want to fight. We're not trying to establish 'dominance,' and we may not even dislike the boys we're fighting. Heck, sometimes after fighting, we'd become better friends!
We fight because in our little minds, a black eye or bloody nose isn't nearly as damaging as the mental shame and public humiliation felt'submitting' to a bully's threats and intimidation.
Because even if you lost the fight, you at least made an attempt to not get knocked down. Nobody thinks any less of Rocky, Gladiator, or Braveheart for losing their battles.
For little boys, that inaction, that 'doing nothing' in the face of a physical threat is incredibly traumatic. Because it's usually the time when we first learn to bottle up all our secret terrors, embarrassment, guilt, and shame and bury it all deep inside ourselves. And over time, these emotions can begin to fester into longterm feelings of genuine worthlessness and self-contempt. This may sound like class schoolyard 'toxic masculinity,' but its longterm effects are real. We may begin to develop a sense of complacency towards situations where it's more necessary to assert ourselves. We may even begin to think the bully is in the right, though as much as we still hate them, we hate ourselves more.
Certainly, little girls can experience the same degree of emotional trauma from bullying, teasing, intimidation, and humiliation, both at school and at home. My theory is that how boys process and respond to emotional trauma may impact them differently. A little girl can suffer severe emotional damage from watching her mother getting physically abused by a step-father. The residual trauma may affect the girl's future relationships with men and sense of agency. Whereas the girl's twin brother may experience a heightened sense of shame and guilt over not being strong enough to protect his mother from the stepfather's abuse, or his sister from witnessing it. The boy is traumatized not by the abuse itself, but by his own weakness and inability to stop it.
I am extremely curious to learn if these different gender-specific behavioral responses are truly due to patriarchal/social conditioning in males, or if they are possibily biologically inherent. Because as a society, we adhere to them more than we may realize.
Let's reconsider the situation between Donny, Martha, and Teri, only let's instead change the stalker to a man, the victim to Teri, and the concerned boyfriend to Donny. Not only does the social dynamic instantly change, as Donny is now partner to a terrified woman who's being harassed by another man, the social expectations changes, too.
Because when a female tells us she's being harmed and harassed by another man, our brains don't compute that she's asking our sympathy, but rather our involvement and protection.
We'd expect Donny to prioritize Teri's safety and security over his own needs. We'd expect Donny to handle the situation by paying the stalker a visit and using verbal threats or physical intimidation to make him stop.
We not only expect men to take charge when women are in danger, we expect them to want to.
Because it's a lack of initiative in a man, not the macho bravado, that's the major turn-off. I think men too often confuse the two.
I keep thinking about your comment, and why I judged Teri so severely. It certainly wasn't because I expected her to 'take charge' and go beat up Martha. I just saw Donny in that state of paralyzed terror, traumatized by the bully and too weak to protect himself or those he cared about. And in that moment, Teri's words sounded more to me like taunting than constructive support, reaffirming all the shame and self-loathing he already felt. To be in such a vulnerable place emotionally and have someone you deeply care for pick out the ugliest parts of you..Teri may have been right, but her words weren't helping him.
Thank you so much for your opinion, and for giving me a different perspective to consider!
It helped me understand my responses and the complexity of all of my own trauma and abuse so much more.
I'm glad it was helpful. Thanks for commenting.
This was brilliant acting, top notch writing. Everything was good, I think it’s touched people because we have all been at weak points in life where we’ve gone down the wrong path and said or done the wrong thing, other peoples madness can destroy us if we don’t use our intuition
You're so spot on with this statement. It's gut-wrenching because we get to watch a real human being make real mistakes. Mistakes that are hard to admit. We can all relate and see the nuance of being a real human being, full of beauty and pain all in one.
3:30 my boyfriend also was like why doesnt he do more? And me as a trauma survivor too, I told him that part of him also still might not think it's gotten bad enough, cause after significant trauma, you always think it could be a lot worse
Hi, thanks for your perspective. People with trauma can definitely get desensitized to abuse and then not set boundaries when they should. The "Oh, it's not THAT bad" thoughts kick in.
This is helping me to understand that I keep taking my ex back because my damaged childhood predisposes me to liking/wanting the drama.
When I was watching this, I was thinking that it was possibly a trauma bond relationship. I'm glad you did a video on this.
Hey friend! Thank you. Yeah, I always try to tell people that trauma bonding isn’t what our pop culture says it is- making a new friend because you have the same past shared trauma and talk about it with each other. It’s actually being bonded to someone who abuses you. It’s quite fascinating and bizarre. But happens all the time.
It's incredibly admirable how Richard Gadd bravely shared his personal experiences, even those that might make him vulnerable to prejudice. His courage in opening up not only helps him in his healing journey but also extends a supportive hand to others who may be going through similar struggles.
I agree. The charity group in the UK called We Are Survivors has seen a huge uptick in men looking for support for their abuse. It’s been very healing for many.
Amazing analysis! Thank you for sharing.
Can you explain a little bit more on why he went back to Darriens house in the later episode? As someone who relates to lots of Donny's experiences and behaviours, I was hoping he would go back and give him and earful, ask him why he did what he did, or even just talk to him for 5 minutes about nothing to see how it would make him feel. I did not expect him to fall into the same trap again. Might it have something to do with the fact that he's grown so used to abuse that now that Martha's gone, he feels empty and wants a replacement? Maybe he doesn't want to let Darrien win? Any thoughts on this?
It’s because the victim often tries to change the outcome so they go back to attempt to take their power back.
I recorded a video about this today and will try to upload it tomorrow. That’s a great question.
to my eyes it an attempt at proving "I am stronger now and you can't hurt me". But that interpretation comes from my own experience. I've long resisted the urge to contact my abuser, because some days the mindset I have is the idea that I've had to go through so much because of you, now the least you can do is help me get better and face what you did, and see that I am not scared. I know it makes no sense and can go so wrong, so luckily for ages now this has only been a thought and I've never acted on it. So maybe for him too it was something similar?
@@divyak9980 Hi, I've been trying to upload my video all morning which answers this question and it keeps getting copyright strikes. I'll keep trying.
@@divyak9980 I was just able to upload my video answering this question. This is just my perspective of what is probably happening to him based on my understanding of trauma responses.
I think his intention was to go back and confront him, but once he was in his house, he was stuck in "Freeze/Fawn" response. His rational brain was not able to fully function. You can see when he is in Darrien's house that he is probably dissociating. He has a very blank stare on his face. You can see once he leaves Darrien's house that he starts to panic. I don't think he really ever went back to work for him. He just froze in the moment and didn't know what to do. His brain/body knew he was in danger, because Darrien is a very dangerous person.
I had to stop watching the show as I was triggered by the SA. Also I was so confused and felt a bit sick! Thanks for this video ❤
It was triggering for me too. I had to fast forward a few spots because of the intensity. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for this video, you have just opened my eyes as to why i act a certain way, and continuously put myself in the wrong situations.
Thanks for letting me know. I'm glad it was helpful.
@pridetherapy may I ask your opinion on a very difficult situation... this is extremely hard to share as I take full responsibility of my actions and what happend in the events that lead up to...
I was 20 yrs old in an extremely abusive relationship both mentally and physically working at a 'subway store' making sandwiches, i worked my way up to the assistant managers role and then became the store manager of the entire day to day operations of the business.
I was spending alot of time with my boss, so much time that I fell for him...and he fell for me.... but there was a major age gap and worst of all he was married... something I will never forgive myself for so long as I live. Things got extremely ugly when my ex partner found out through stalking me and realised I was seeing my boss. He followed me everywhere and ended up writing a series of emails to my bosses wife, parked outside her work and told her that her husband was having an affair. She did not believe him and her husband (my boss) convinced her it was not true. Fast forward to almost 2 years later and he attempted to take his life trying to lure me out into the middle of nowhere (police then got involved they thought it was a trap and were worried that it was at the point that he could potentially take mine before he took his. He ended up taking his life 3 weeks after this event where he begged me to let him into my apartment just for 5 minutes to talk to me and I was so afraid I wanted to let him in but at the same time I was being fed mixed messages about my safety being alone with him. He sent me one last harrowing message and then took his l1fe. I have never been the same again. I will always blame myself for what happened. I have attempted to take my l1fe and failed in the process. I had never heard of 'oxxycodone' before in my life until my boss introduced me to it during a week I was in alot of pain but needed to be at work - before I knew it I was hooked and once his supply ran out I was left to source my own supply. I have the exact same reoccurring nightmare every night about him. I miss him so much, he treated me better than anyone in my life ever has and I let him down in the worst way possible and failed hom. He also did his final deed in the one place we spent most of our time together... I am an empty shell of the person I once was and have isolated myself from everyone since this happened. I have not been able to return to a job or even get back on my feet. I destroyed not only his life but that of his poor wife. I believe in an eye for an eye and it's my turn
@pridetherapy may I ask your opinion on a very difficult situation... this is extremely hard to share as I take full responsibility of my actions and what happend in the events that lead up to...
I was 20 yrs old in an extremely abusive relationship both mentally and physically working at a 'subway store' making sandwiches, i worked my way up to the assistant managers role and then became the store manager of the entire day to day operations of the business.
I was spending alot of time with my boss, so much time that I fell for him...and he fell for me.... but there was a major age gap and worst of all he was married... something I will never forgive myself for so long as I live. Things got extremely ugly when my ex partner found out through stalking me and realised I was seeing my boss. He followed me everywhere and ended up writing a series of emails to my bosses wife, parked outside her work and told her that her husband was having an affair. She did not believe him and her husband (my boss) convinced her it was not true. Fast forward to almost 2 years later and he attempted to take his life trying to lure me out into the middle of nowhere (police then got involved they thought it was a trap and were worried that it was at the point that he could potentially take mine before he took his. He ended up taking his life 3 weeks after this event where he begged me to let him into my apartment just for 5 minutes to talk to me and I was so afraid I wanted to let him in but at the same time I was being fed mixed messages about my safety being alone with him. He sent me one last harrowing message and then took his l1fe. I have never been the same again. I will always blame myself for what happened. I have attempted to take my l1fe and failed in the process. I had never heard of 'oxxycodone' before in my life until my boss introduced me to it during a week I was in alot of pain but needed to be at work - before I knew it I was hooked and once his supply ran out I was left to source my own supply. I have the exact same reoccurring nightmare every night about him. I miss him so much, he treated me better than anyone in my life ever has and I let him down in the worst way possible and failed hom. He also did his final deed in the one place we spent most of our time together... I am an empty shell of the person I once was and have isolated myself from everyone since this happened. I have not been able to return to a job or even get back on my feet. I destroyed not only his life but that of his poor wife. I believe in an eye for an eye and it's my turn
@pridetherapy may I ask your opinion on a very difficult situation... this is extremely hard to share as I take full responsibility of my actions and what happend in the events that lead up to...
I was 20 yrs old in an extremely abusive relationship both mentally and physically working at a 'subway store' making sandwiches, i worked my way up to the assistant managers role and then became the store manager of the entire day to day operations of the business.
I was spending alot of time with my boss, so much time that I fell for him...and he fell for me.... but there was a major age gap and worst of all he was married... something I will never forgive myself for so long as I live. Things got extremely ugly when my ex partner found out through stalking me and realised I was seeing my boss. He followed me everywhere and ended up writing a series of emails to my bosses wife, parked outside her work and told her that her husband was having an affair. She did not believe him and her husband (my boss) convinced her it was not true. Fast forward to almost 2 years later and he attempted to take his life trying to lure me out into the middle of nowhere (police then got involved they thought it was a trap and were worried that it was at the point that he could potentially take mine before he took his. He ended up taking his life 3 weeks after this event where he begged me to let him into my apartment just for 5 minutes to talk to me and I was so afraid I wanted to let him in but at the same time I was being fed mixed messages about my safety being alone with him. He sent me one last harrowing message and then took his l1fe. I have never been the same again. I will always blame myself for what happened. I have attempted to take my l1fe and failed in the process. I had never heard of 'oxxycodone' before in my life until my boss introduced me to it during a week I was in alot of pain but needed to be at work - before I knew it I was hooked and once his supply ran out I was left to source my own supply. I have the exact same reoccurring nightmare every night about him. I miss him so much, he treated me better than anyone in my life ever has and I let him down in the worst way possible and failed hom. He also did his final deed in the one place we spent most of our time together... I am an empty shell of the person I once was and have isolated myself from everyone since this happened. I have not been able to return to a job or even get back on my feet. I destroyed not only his life but that of his poor wife. I believe in an eye for an eye and it's my turn
Why are my comments being removed? 🤔
Thank you for sharing this! I watched the entire series and couldn’t believe how raw in real it was and I just found out today that it’s probably because it’s a true story! This is such a powerful betrayal of his story and I know it’s going to help many people! I’m in school to be a Psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner so I find it fascinating to watch.
You're going to have an exciting career. Yes, a lot of people are finding healing in this show. It's been really powerful for the world to see a man exploring his trauma.
I stayed up watching this show until 1am, and then had to call into work the next day because I didn't expect my brain to begin racing for hours with processing my own past experiences with trauma bonding. I watched the entire series finding it all very relatable in nuanced ways that I've never really talked about with anyone, because it's all very hard to understand with all the unusual dynamic interplays that are active and all the crazy psychological effects they end up having on you.
It sounds like it had a profound effect on you. I hope it provided some healing. This show has been very helpful in helping victims explain their emotional process. Thanks for your comment.
Yes, trauma. I also believe he has some trauma involving early years. For someone abused and used to be abused by some family member, the tendency is to believe that you are responsible for others emotion and that if you speak out you will be shamed and people won't hear you or won't believe in you...he has this tendency of not speaking out for himself and it's really frustrating. His self steam was really bad since before the r pe as well. In the 6th episode when he speaks to public about his traumas, he also says that he wanted to be famous to not be judged by people. So afraid to be judged since before all...
Totally agree and I see that as well. There was a part when he was talking Martha and she asked what superpower he wanted…. He ended up saying that he just wanted to know someone was thinking about him. I could see him possibly being that awkward kid on the playground that got bullied and never felt heard or seen.
From one therapist to another, I would love to collab on a video about this series, and the complexities that come with SA & Sexual Identity and how childhood/adult SA can lead to severe homophobia, particularly in men. So many of my students/clients have brought this series up, and they felt so seen.
Hi! Shoot me an email if you have time and tell me more about what you have in mind. I'd love to hear more about your thoughts. My email is Pridetherapy@gmail.com
I couldn't believe it when after the police first warned Martha and she went no contact, Donny not only worried about her but started fantasizing about her, while neglecting his relationship with Teri. Maybe his self esteem was so low at this point and he was so confused regarding his sexuality, Martha was the only way out. She adored him and at the same time he felt superior to her so she seemed like a "safe" person, while Teri was an equal and requiring him to work through his trauma and invest in the relationship.
Two of my friends were abused by older men when they were very young and they both tend to date guys that "need fixing" and have all kinds of problems. There could be something similar going on here I think.
Yes, Donny was trauma bonded to Martha. They had a symbiotic relationships where it was rewarding and painful to both of them at the same time. I’ve watched the show about 5x now while recording all these videos about the show, and he definitely makes it clear that he needed Martha’s attention.
As far as your friends are concerned, we tend to unconsciously choose partners who can heal our childhood wounds. If young girls have trauma from their fathers, they can fall into a pattern of choosing toxic men in order to “prove” their worth.
@@pridetherapy Many thanks for your reply!
I think what my two friends are doing, like Donnie with Martha, is looking for partners that seem weaker than them so they cannot hurt them like the person who abused them. They seem to prefer men that are younger, often unemployed and struggling with addiction or depression. One of my friends even said she feels calmer when her partners aren't physically strong.
I think Donnie was very lost and lonely when Martha first came to his pub and he fixated on her because she appeared to do even worse than him while giving him all her attention and admiration
great video awesome analysis for non therapists. 🏆
Thanks for saying that. I appreciate it.
Intermenent rewards. So true. He was seeking validations from Martha. This is dangerous. his judgement was so skewed. We knew that he has trauma and his trauma makes his views on things are also screwed.
You’re right about that, for sure. He was so beaten down and bruised from Darrien that Martha probably seemed like the lesser of two evils for him. He was desensitized to pain by that a point and unable to set boundaries for himself. He even said that he needed her validation. She saw him the way he wanted the world to see him.
He seems very complicit in the dynamic between him and the stalker. He also seems to have a deep compulsion for validation & attention which often plays out in an exhibitionist way.
He has been very open about his shortcomings with her. In every interview I’ve seen with him, he says it would be wrong of him to say he is the perfect victim. As the show goes on, it seems he does try to set more clear boundaries.
He also sees her as victim to mental health issues .
@@pridetherapy I find life a lot more livable when I stop searching for victims and villains as fixed identities and simply observe behaviour as the flexible and evolving phenomenon that it is.
I had a "Martha" on a less severe level. We were definitely trauma bonded, and no one could understand it. It felt like an addiction I wanted to be rid of but couldn't, much to the dismay of those around me. I was in severe need of validation which she readily provided, and she used my empathy against me to allow her behavior to continue. It was very hard to see what was really happening since she was "so nice" to me. But her long list of discarded "friends" and therapists told me I wasn't the only one having issues with her. Eventually I was able to call her out, at which point she blocked me only to try to reconnect with me later. But I politely declined. I can only imagine that she is onto the next victim by now. I do feel empathy for her still, and I tried for months to understand why she was the way she was. This series was very illuminating to me.
It’s so hard to see what is happening when people are in those situations. I’m sure you can see it now in hindsight, but in the moment it’s so hard to see why we make these choices. I’m glad you got out.
I have a friend who went through a divorce and would frequently ask me to go for walks. I don’t have a lot of close friends or siblings and would always say yes but it was always her initiating them rather than me. I felt her main purpose of walking was to vent to me about her ex and her job. I told myself it was ok to just be the sounding board but over time I started to feel used.
I also learnt that she walked with a few different people and often I wasn’t her first choice which bothered me even though I know it was silly as generally people have many friends. The character of Martha reminded me quite a lot of her. Kind of pretty intense on again off again. The on-again is quite addictive if you are often lonely which I am. So you’re more prepared to put up with the negative or abusive behaviour.
Borderline personality disorder person does break the person they decide is "theirs".
I was once the "Terri" to a nightmare demoness from hell.
Broken engagement, and in the end I left completely. He thought he could deal with it kindly. I just saw a future of chaos.
Oh Wow! I'm sorry that happened to you. Dealing with someone with untreated BPD can definitely feel like hell. I've seen this a lot in my 20 years as a therapist and in my own community. I'm making a separate video today on Martha in hopes of helping people understand how this type of mental health issues affects everyone in their lives.
@@pridetherapy I was so angry with him for not making the "friend" just go away, years on I am still angry. I am relieved that this topic has been brought to light, I think it is more prevalent than people realise. I think maybe men get an initial thrill from the attention then they get stuck.
It's a relief that the "Terries" are not forgotten by those that understand this.
Trauma Bonding. My new favourite phrase. Succinctly explains a part of my life that I'd not considered in that way before but I am trauma bonded and have been for 40 years. Another phrase, new to me but very applicable to me, is Diminished Self Worth.
Hi there, thanks for your comment and your insight into your own life. This is definitely one of the most excruciating situations to be in. The first step is noticing the trauma bond, then working to build yourself up and start setting boundaries. I hope you can get some support
Was the ending implying that he would fixate on the bar man because of his kindness? Is it possible that the trauma bond is so strong that you end up condoning or perpetrating abuse because of all the blurred lines?
I think that is one of the things it could be implying. It is easy for victims to become abusers and for these roles to be reversed.
I also think he sees himself in Martha and he’s possibly in the same exact spot she was when she first came into his pub and sat down.
In the end, I think he realizes he has become like Martha in many ways. He is very wounded and traumatized.
Next video please!
Yes! I'm recording a video on Martha today and I'm excited to share my insights into the mind of Martha. I also have to see 5 clients today, so it's gonna be a busy day. I hope your day is good.
Hello again, I just uploaded my video on Martha and my attempts at a diagnosis, which I think could be Erotomania. Let me know what you think.
This series BROKE me
Someone needs to start a Baby Reindeer support group so we can all process it.
Why? It’s a bit sad but nothing to do with you, no? Maybe I’ve been through too much I don’t feel this sad for him and her. She needs to be locked up and he needs therapy to stand up for himself.
@@user-ff8kw7qk7s - How do you know it has nothing to do with me? I know this show is the #1 show on Netflix right now for a reason. It resonates with people because a lot of people have experienced this kind of trauma and watching it play out on a series can be very triggering for people. It can also be very healing for people and help people to not feel so alone. Richard Gadd reports that he gets letters of support all the time with people thanking him for sharing his story because it helped them heal from their own trauma.
I am not a therapist of any sort,but I see DID-dissociative identity disorder, woven into Martha’s character. It seems that a dominant personality is often grappling with an abused and traumatized child self. A child would be unable to assert itself very often, if at all. So scary! Plus delusions across the board. Fear breeds violence. Maybe I’m off the mark though. I’m interested in DID lately. Haha.
This show sounds like a must see but as a really damaged person I’m thinking it might not be healthy.
I would only recommend an SA survivor to watch it if they feel like they can mange the triggers and have a good support system behind them. You’d want to talk to someone about it afterwards and work through whatever it brings up for you.
I watched it on my phone with the volume down so the impact would be less severe. I do that with a lot of shows that are too intense.
What about the last minutes of the serie where hè go to visit his first abuser? ❤
Hi, I did an entire video on that last visit if you want to see what I thought of that. Thanks for commenting. .
@@pridetherapy thanks
Wow 😮
Did you get to watch the show yet?
How do you help someone like this ifnyou run into it in real life
Are you referring to Donny or Martha?
@@pridetherapy both honestly but mainly Martha
@@erievhsNever offer/accept a free cup of tea.
i binged it all yesterday and it proper messed with me... sigh
I can totally relate.
It messed us all up. I know people who've been in these situations and it's just...devastating. I really hope this show opens up a lot more public dialogue about SA and mental illness.
So interesting I don’t know if my dad is gay some of my old guy friends are super weird with him and my eldest sister. I’ve known this guy 8 years something off about him he keeps trying to sleep with me but think there’s something wrong there. Either autism or he repeats people idk. He might be a stalker or idk what is wrong think he is competitive/strangely
It sounds like you know in your gut that something is off and I would pay attention to that.
@@pridetherapy yeah I’m not trying to play detective I just think the whole dynamic is strange and they’re all enmeshed together
I've been through this, in a different scenario. During my time watching this, I wonder if my ex saw me as Martha.
We were lonely. I was entering my 20's with a depression. I lose everything, now. We groomed each other I think, in a certain way. We met through anonym social media, and everything went haywire. I wish I could tell my story.
A lot of people experience trauma bonding in various ways and it can be very confusing for people. The need for connection can sometimes override the rational mind. It’s confusing to keep going back to someone who causes harm or someone who is unavailable.
@@pridetherapy in my case, both me and the other party were both lonely. We felt the connection. I felt it, and bought what he had said. Outsiders would warned me that what we had was bad. But, we keep craving for one another. He seeked me, and I tended to him. I realized the pattern of our relationship, but I ignored it, hoping for better future.
I always thought that maybe I really was in the wrong, but I never got the answer. These days left me wondering and unable to move on with my life, just like Gadd trying to make a sense out of Martha's voicemails.
Reminicing after watching the series, I feel like, maybe, why he sticked close to me, was because that I gave benefit to his life. It was like that one scene, where Gadd's show was good enough that people laugh because of Martha's laughter.
But in the end, the good memories I had with him, stays.
@@anonymouspangolin266 What you wrote here is beautifully written. It does seem like it could be healing for you to write out your story in some form of a short biography like Gadd's story. I've got to go see a client now, but I want to respond more later today or tomorrow. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
@@pridetherapy it's been so kind of you. Thank you, it's a part of the help I've been needed. Have a good day at job.
@@anonymouspangolin266 I want to add that sometimes it's difficult to differentiate trauma bonding from Codependence. I hope that moving forward you can be in a healthy relationship and notice if you start to repeat the same patterns.
Physically, aesthetically you look a lot like Martha, so disregarding your years as a professional therapist and the clinical online diagnosis of a fictional character with assumed Borderline, you are still gonna emphasize with her cause you very much look alike, you could almost be twins with the actress that plays Martha. Jung expained ir better, the eternal juxtaposition of mirror images.
Hi Christian. Thank you! I take that as a compliment. Our faces do look alike, with our round faces. The only main difference is that I weigh about 135 pounds. But generally speaking, I see what you mean.
Yes, we have unconscious biases for people who resemble us. I'm a big fan of Carl Jung. I would hope that I would have empathy for anyone who has severe mental health issues. I have personally had clients like Martha before and I have empathy for them. I also want to add that me having empathy for someone due to their struggles does not mean in any way that their behaviors should be excused. I can have empathy for someone AND also feel strongly that the public needs to be protected from them.
I wish that Donny had been able to report her sooner and I think she is very dangerous. She needs help in whatever form that looks like in her community.
Just this week I had a male client have his stalker arrested and I'm very glad he did.
I like your tattoos, btw. I have two half sleeves.