100: Attraction - How to Sustain It and How to Revive It - with John Gottman and Sue Johnson
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- čas přidán 3. 09. 2017
- How do you sustain attraction in your relationship over the long term? What can you do if you no longer feel “the spark” with your partner? And, what can you do if your partner no longer feels attracted to you? In today’s episode, we’re going to cover the mysterious force that brings us together when it’s there (and sometimes tears us apart when it’s not there): Attraction. And to celebrate the 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast, we are joined by two very special guests: John Gottman AND Sue Johnson. John Gottman and Sue Johnson have both been with us here on the podcast before, and our conversation today will reveal to you some surprising, well-researched truths about what fuels the spark in your relationship.
The good news: While most relationships go through difficult times in which one or both partners can feel disconnected, the good news is that desire and connection can be rebuilt. This is almost always the case, even after a major betrayal. That said, while most couples can go from disinterest and disengagement to passion, it is difficult to find desire from a place of disgust. When a person is repulsed by another’s appearance, taste or smell, there is no a lot you can do. If, however, it is just that the attraction has waned then there is much to rediscover and rekindle!
Not quite feeling it? Are you experiencing a lack of desire in your relationship? Does it seem like the spark is dim? Research shows that when desire is missing it is due to the fact that one is not being responsive to their partner. It is not, as many assume, caused by a deficiency in your partner but rather in yourself. In some ways it is like the old mother’s quip about “if you are bored it is because you are boring”. So much of what we experience in relationships is a reality of our own making. While this realization can feel daunting and humbling, it is also the key to feeling empowered and remembering we are agents of change.
Unpack low desire and understand where the shutdown is coming from: A decrease in attraction to your partner should be viewed as a symptom, rather than a cause. You have to unpack the symptom of not being a attracted and look at the anatomy of it. What is at the core root of this? What might be causing this reaction? Often it has to do with responsiveness and the following trio of relationship dimensions:
The Trio: Responsiveness is the key to rekindling passion and connection in a relationship. Responsiveness can be broken down into the following trio of key relationship dimensions:
Building Trust: Trust is built through attunement and transparency. There should be no hidden agendas or secrets. You must take care to see each other and to truly listen. Tune in and receive each other and each other’s words with openness. Listen reflectively, with compassion versus defensiveness. Building Commitment: The key to building commitment is to make positive comparisons to real or imagined alternatives. You can build commitment by cherishing your partner and what you have and by nurturing gratitude for what you have together. When, instead you do the opposite and make negative comparisons to real or imagined alternatives you begin on a pathway of nurturing resentment for what is missing in the relationship and you begin on the pathway towards betrayal. Come back often to gratitude and appreciation for what is. Building Physiological Calm: Building physiological calm is a complex thing, however it is the crucial third leg of the stool that makes relationships solid, satisfying, and sustainable. Find mutual ways of relating to each other that are soothing and non-arousing. Through collaboration and togetherness you can create an experience of co-regulation in which you can feel calm, playful, and open.
Respond to your partner: This trio of attunement, commitment, and calm must be constantly tended to. Be sure you are noticing and responding to your partner’s needs and emotions. This tuning in will in fact increase your attraction and your sense of closeness. By actively cherishing your partner you actively build passion! So don’t wait for moments to emerge to notice each other- build these moments into your everyday.
Post-betrayal growth: Growth and reconnection are possible even after the most difficult of experiences. In the case, however, of trauma - which many affairs can create - trust will not be rekindled unless the symptoms and effects of PTSD are addressed. PTSD- which involves a constellation of symptoms and emotions, is a natural reaction that occurs when someone is faced with an experience that overwhelms their ability to manage in a regulated way. To address PTSD for partners who have been betrayed due to an affair there must be a supportive process that involves the following 3 phases:
Atonement- The person who had the affair needs to listen openly and compassionately to their hurt partner and begin to... - Jak na to + styl
Neil Sattin, excellent information!
One point...the repeated exploration of disgust seems very off-track for most relationships.
1:06:15 common pattern, to pull my partner towards me is by " taking risks". instead of people saying , "why don't you talk to me anymore?" which push you away because I become dangous, if i can risk being vulnerable and saying " you know I was realizing today, i just have this Longing for us to talk the way we used to a few months ago, i have this longing to feel you close to me , to know i have your attention, it is scary to me when i feel this distance between us" this pulls the person towards you. or someone say, " you are right, i do shut you out. I shut you out because i am scared that I can never be good enough for you and that is terrifying for me" and the partner says, oh, i did not know that, and i thought you just didn't care.
Starts at 5:02
Great and very informative information. Thanks for sharing new positive options.
This is a good teaching on how to rebuild with your partner and dig deeper in the root cause of the breakdown of the relationship. However this doesn't work if you're dealing with a partner that has NPD.
Nobody should ever date anyone with that disorder lol
Absolutely right! I am married with someone with NPD... we are only roommates since having a relationship with an NPD person is like looking in a BLACK MIRROR
No its not at all !! No person can teach this
Thank you Neil ☀️
One of the best interviews. Is the 12 steps John lists published somewhere?
Great talk!
good tips -Learning life coaching through life coaching for dummies. Just wish I would have started a long time ago.
Absolutely no such thing as a life coach. No one can teach you how to live your life. They just want people to be clones of themselves
Begin a new journey
I just found your channel yesterday. I really like it so far.
Why ? Nothing these people say is not relevant. It's their opinion I'm sure you have one on what's good or bad in a relationship but that doesn't mean it applies to their relationship. Everyone is unique just as relationships are. This is why there are no real experts. It's an opinion on what works for them.
Very helpful and interesting interviews! Many thanks to John, Sue and Neil :)
What is it that made this even slightly interesting ?
@@tommac21 If you gotta ask then you are not worth the answer.
Is there a chance to have a lifetime of hapiness for those couples where one partner is suffering from a gambling addiction?
The advice John Gottman describes for couples who already have a good relationship sounds like love bombing. I don't think there's any problem with his advice, but there's a problem with the negative perception of "love bombing" from people today, which I think goes along with a black and white view of personality disorders that seems irrational and oversimplified. I do think answering bids is ultimately more important for relationship stability than what might fall into the category of love bombing or "bigger" or more "outward" acts of affection, because there is more listening and acknowledging the identity or individuality of the other person that is inherent in answering bids.
Re. The dance with someone who knows the moves but isnt emotionally present yes theybare doing that usually to protect themselves...maybe they are actually attracted but they fear the emotion....they may have been hurt , they may be transgressing their own ethical code or they may have other reasons for emotionally distancing.
I know exactly how and why I fell in love with my partner of 41 years . We met at a dance and I had to work up my courage to ask him to dance he wasnt dancing with anyone. I didnt know how to do the country-western dance my stress levels were through the roof because I had never made any first move with a man...they were supposed to do that.
Luckily he didnt know how to do that dance either so he suggested moving to a corner to chat. And Georgia fell out of his mouth...my grandmother's sweet,,kind, SAFE Georgia accent, there it was, coming out of him. I almost broke down and cried because I hadnt heard that accent since her death nearly 20 years before.I felt like falling into the safety of his arms and voice and presence. It was very powerful. I felt safe and at home and it was exciting and thrilling. We talked of books and sailing which we both loved ...he was impressed I had a doctorate in clinical psychology and he had an undergrad degree in psych. Everything one of us said the other mirrored shared values, interests, passions, even many life events and later I learned we had the same personality profiles. Even our IQs were within four points of each other. It was like finding my twin, but a very handsome romantic one. So our mating dance was a long long conversation. I was in town scouting for a job and a property to buy for only two weeks and he took me out every night and every weekend day. Later when I remembered that he said well you were too special to let slip away. And we were one of those couples who never fell out of love. He passed away at 80 last year. I am surviving but even though I do have other people who love me family , friends there is a giant chasm. Generally though I am STILL a happy person. All those years that were so positive dont just fly away..my brain is still saturated with him...he changed me into a better, happier person permanently I think and I have a memory bank filled with all those years of wonderful experiences, it makes me full of gratitutde.
Good episode. Gottman said something considered a tabu in couple relationship: if there,s a feeling of repulsion, disgust, towards the other, there,s no much a couple therspist or the two partners can do. In fact, I would dare to say there,s nothing anybody can do, that,s it. Many therapists think the relationship can always be improved in such situation, but that,s not true. If such situation happen and some work has been done with no result, the most ethical position for the therspist is to say openly they will not live passion in their relationship ever again. Perhaps they decide to keep on being together from a position of convenience, but at least they will not have an imposible goal for their relationship, they will decide knowing that if they stay together, it will be with no passion or at least with no mutual passion. I wish every therapist would not take their couples for fouls in this regard. Once reached the point of physical disgust and after some work (not much, as it,s not needed), the one feeling that disgust will never feel sexual desire for the other. That,s it
I disagree. If a partner changes, I believe there is hope. If he/she changed into a disgust, with help, they can revert.
No these 2 are scammers. I wish people would see this. There is not 1 person who couldn't do what these people do. Relationships are not a science. And will never be perfected. When someone truly does perfect them then let us know. Marriage, relationship, dating so called experts are bigger vultures then divorce lawyers preying on the vulnerable and naieve
Im not sure the lack of attraction thing is accurate. There are cases where a guy insists he does have desire but never initiates because he's already checked out emotionally, and the woman gets tired of always being the one to initiate (sometimes even being rebuffed, the insult of which can almost never be erased) and she loses desire especially as she gets older. When she's been burned enough times how can you expect her to have desire? This sounds like victim blaming.
Ever see a lioness out of season? Her desire is gone because the hormones aren't there. I think you need to take hormones into account. Illness, hysterectomy, Chronic pain can also ruin desire and that isn't because the person isn't responsive to their partner. It can even make it worse if during the chronic pain the parter is inattentive/clueless.
terriergal you bring up a good point about hormones and such. Maybe they will address this in another episode or recommend one that already exists.
WOW thank you
Bakers dozen of things he talks about at 41:47
How can I get list of 13 things
Why ? I'm sure you can make 13 of your own. And why stop at 13. Where do these people come up with these numbers. Do they sit there for a minute and say ooh 13 is a good number. Now let me come up with them. People will fall for that #. This is such a scam. People have to stop being so naieve and buying into this nonsense. There are no experts
41:30
Brutally cruel and hurtful when cheater lying about cheating continuing to cheat rejects partner for several years!!You never addressed not having sex for years because your cheating for years and although sex was good beforehand now getting needs met w home wrecker. I assume also either being loyal to affair partner(absolutely infuriating!!) or comparing 35 yr marriage partner to young evil B hes cheating with.
Stop cheating on your wife and sleeping w someone else younger also extra damaging as if cheating isnt vicious enough to do to your partner just cruel and devastating to do to your spouce.
Hogs.
What if l Iike my best friends husbsnd hed been chesting kong term w younger skinnier hsd a great sex life w wife sybaris weekly sev times a week sometimes 30 yrs suddenly mid life crisis started cheating comparing his overweiggt older wife whis lost a lot of weight abtuptly stopped habing sex w her like he did mist of martiage then lost weight became fun for years ciming home fir lunch said then went back to rarely sex ignoring her for yrs every weekend regusingto take her out
I was disgusted by my husband when he gained tons of weight through gluttony but I adjusted my mind he was my person I figured Id better accept it. I also concentrated on the pleasure.
Sounds gross. Sorry you have to deal with that.
The Vows are for life. Not that hard if you follow gods rules. 1 not cheating, and cherishing not being lazy lying ignoring spouce 1 ass ruins connection fixing fights before bed. Love and honor One person can destroy it on their own one giving their best one taking for granted selfish refusing sex refusing to spend time together during week not calling bring a jurk cheating on the weekend.Spark was there w her husband until he cheated for years w a young Evil home wrecker. Things were better tgan ever before he started going into bars dating bar waitresd DISCUSTING inexcusable.
Ignoring all their needs no gifts cards dates yelling masking his own plans ignoring spouce every weekend for years. Stop acting like it yajes 2 people to neglect it can be one. I was attracted used my mind to accept him even he was a fat ass from gluttony discusting no hormone health ptob yet judges me once he lodt 200 pounds from me cooking good low carb meals. Now he judges all fat people
I'm disengage from my wife cuz I watch a lot of CZcams videos don't pay attention to her I work 2 jobs -
I sent texts to 33444... Passion...later... Relate...and no response. What can you tell me?
Do these 2 actually get paid just for saying what they believe. Anyone can talk about what works and doesn't. But it doesn't apply to everyone. Everyone who watches these 2 can say what they think. Doesn't mean they're right or wrong. People have to stop giving their opinions on relationships, marriage, family life and dating
There are no experts on any of these subjects. And stop for the love of God making these 2 especially look like saints. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. For all anyone knows they may get home and just hate each other. They're just scam artist sucking money out of naieve people. And never trust when eople say " well research says " because this one a small percentage of people in the world. Very,very,very small