How To Fight Right With Your Partner - Q&A w/ The Gottmans, Matthias Barker, & Jimmy Knowles
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- čas přidán 23. 02. 2024
- Matthias Barker and Jimmy Knowles had the pleasure of conversing with world-renown relationship experts Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman. Come to the premiere of this never-before-seen round-table conversation
What's discussed:
Practical Strategies:
Discover groundbreaking ways to break through seemingly impossible-to-solve arguments, and turn those conflicts into pathways for growth.
Step-by-step Walk-Throughs:
Gain actionable steps on approaching disagreements constructively, and preventing fights before they start.
Relationship Healing Techniques:
Learn how to repair and rebuild trust in your relationship, even when it feels like the damage is beyond repair.
Understanding Bids for Connection:
Learn how to recognize and respond to your partners' bids for emotional connection and how it's crucial for the health of your relationship.
Approaching Regrettable Incidents:
Follow a step-by-step process to discuss past conflicts and misunderstandings with your partner in a way that heals and strengthens your relationship.
Handling Tough Disagreements:
Discover how to resolve difficult arguments by understanding your partner's deep-seated needs and perspectives.
We hope you’ve enjoyed this discussion. Get your copy of Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman's New York Times bestselling book FIGHT RIGHT now: www.gottman.com/product/fight...
I felt a little off on this one, the echo's were distracting me (even if the headphones were off), sorry if anyone could notice 😂
I just want to say that you add so much insight to the conversation that makes this video quite enjoyable! You are always bringing up points, perspectives, and questions that we have and that just goes to show how much you understand what couples are facing and I love and appreciate that! I would love to see more videos from you Jimmy!
You did well, Jimmy. Couldn’t tell at all. Thanks for this.
I didn’t notice.
you did fine. I could see you were distracted, but, you pulled it off and all is well.
You did great. Thank you for all you do 🙏🏼
It reminds me of, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" Valuable reminder to stay intentional about your relationship.
Yeah, the problem is that these concepts are pretty utopian. The truth is that 60-70% of people are insecure and completely incapable of this communication AND some people will use “hurt” feelings as a manipulation. See the drama triangle. The victim position is always “sad, hurt, helpless, overwhelmed, uncomfy”.
So sometimes it’s important to have objective reality. Nothing is worse than false accusations of “neglect, ignoring, etc”.
As long as you still put out what you feel with your partner is ok, if you think being happy is about shutting down and not saying what you think is not right then no
I am sending this video to my husband and plan to schedule a time for us to talk which we have an unbelievably hard time doing. We are at a breaking point and I can not tell you how helpful what both of you do is to me! Bless you both
Please dont take this down! We need all the help we can get with what we have which is not alot these days.
Listening to their little disagreement at 20 minutes was just adorable. 😂
Thank you all so much for this. I finally reached my limit after 40 years of silent treatments. The terrible part is how he only blamed ME for HIS silent treatment patterns so he wouldn’t get help! I finally filed for divorce and I could not be more glad. Contempt, projection and narcissistic stuff just became more than I wanted to handle. Your ideas work beautifully, but not with an emotionally abusive person.
Yes, as Richard Grannon says ( I’m paraphrasing badly but wanted to credit ) You can’t have an authentic conversation ( or I’d say : relationship ) with someone who is being inauthentic. The silent treatment is an inauthentic response from someone who actually refuses to relate and when habitual, is refusing to actually BE in relationship
I love how normal you two are, it is so relatable...and at the same time you're walking us all through the thought process around these topics. Amazing job! Thank you for exactly the way you show up.
I agree, this was very helpful
Thank you so much for recording and uploading this conversation! I love that you are advocating for healthy conversations and modeling how it's done!
Trying to be interested in soccer just because of my partner loving soccer only led to him blasting me with soccer facts constantly, instead of him trying learn more about me 😮💨
I love you both so much! While I’m not married, I don’t have the best examples of effective communication. I’ve gained so much from this and I hope to bring this not just into my marriage in the future but for any relationship that I have. Thank you for helping me become a better version of me. I’m so blessed that God put you in my life! 🥰🌻💛
Gottmans are the GOAT. Such a great interview.
Something I say when my partner is distancing himself is "What can I do or NOT do to help you?"
This gives him the opportunity to give himself space if he needs that, to understand I am ready and available to hear all sides of his needs. Without judgement or me feeling cut down or guilty. Especially if I have anything to do with his stress.
Our family loves and appreciates your material so much Matthias and Jimmy. You guys touched on all of my chief concerns and questions.
Thank you for all you do.
Thank you Jimmy and Matthias. Loved this conversation. I hope to use this going forward.
I just have to say, JIMMY, I love your little tangents! You’re so passionate about about these topics and the wisdom is flowing so quickly into your brain that your mouth can’t get it out fast enough. I can totally relate.🤣🙏🏻💕✨
Reassurance in the middle. Thats gold. I love the way you explained it. That would help me so much myself to hear. Great tool. Thank you.
That was great. Thank you all. It shows really that the best and most thoughtful communication won't make up for someone who just doesn't care and respect you. If they don't they won't attempt to attend to needs or requests and just carry on in their own bubble
Just read this but I’m only 20 minutes in. God I think this is my exact situation
Aside from learning how to conflict better myself in my current relationship, I am also teaching the skill I am learning to my 13 ur old daughter, who struggles with conflict because she hasn’t learned the skills yet. My goal is to help her learn these critical skills at an early age so she has successful relationships with all of the meaningful people in her life. Thank you so much for this video. I’m also sharing with my partner, since we both share a background of past unhealthy relationships. Keep up the amazing work. I appreciate it! 💛
This is a goldmine! Thanks for making it available (New Zealand time can be tricky)
Thank you very much for the recording, the timing could not have been better for me and my relationship. I look forward to reading the book and watching more content from you and Jimmy, subscribing!
Thanks for the recording. I will watch it again and again. It’s very empowering and loads of reflection. Thanks again
Thanks for uploading!
Great interview and chat! Some real gems. Thank you! 😊
Both of your work is so important and valuable! Thank you !
Thank you both for this conversation. I appreciate both of your time doing this interview. Very valuable information. I will definitely be utilizing this and be more intentional with my current relationship moving forward. I just started a new relationship so we have not had our first disagreement yet but I’m looking forward to the repair. Thanks again !
Thank you guys so much for all you're doing its so helpful!
I truly enjoyed this so much! I love how relatable and relevant this conversation was. I'm a huge Gottman fan through and through but how you used different examples, broke down each part, and your own personal relationships was just so perfect and I can see better how my fiance and I can hopefully use this as a guide and reference. Thank you!
This is such a brilliant and helpful conversation! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Great video!!! Love the insight, and its right on the money!!! I appreciate you posting this.
Great interview. Thanks for sharing
This was truly helpful…so thankful for your approach guys…i’ve got lots to think about and try to incorporate into my relationship.
Good work!
SO wonderful! Will save this to watch again and again. 💥💕💥
Absolutely loved this interview and the conversation afterwards❤ so many useful advice and conflict repair techniques. Thank you for everything!
Amazing amazing amazing. Thank you both so much for this! Ive followed you both for years now and this is just perfect. Its a good reminder to some things I forgot and some new information that I didnt know at all
Thank you for this. Really resonated with me to reiterate that we are fighting on the same side for our relationship, to end with both partners feeling loved.
Thank you both for this workshop…. Really helpful and useful to me personally and professionally. Love your humour and fun…. More please!❤
Really found this entire presentation super insightful. I wasn't previously aware of the Gottmans, but will order the book now. Shared also with my adult sons. Loved watching you explore the themes in your own lives and your willingness to share your experiences. As a communications professional, I'd like to say your social media rocks and your entire approach makes these ideas more approachable for the everyday person and couple! It's empowering! French time zone, listened to recording.
Listening from Bolivia, what a great conversation, thank you!
self reflection and emotional intelligence! YES! Those are essential and worthwhile for sure. Love you guys so much for this video!
Thank you for sharing this info and talking us through it. Cheers to deeper relationships. 🥰
Jimmy, Matthias thank you so much for caring so much ❤ and sharing these wonderful information with us.
12:30 I feel... so this is how I have approached things in our marriage crisis but it didn't work. I still get left unloved, unheard, and alone. I still do this and he just stonewalls and shuts down!!
Do you have a specific example? I'd love.to hear it and hear Matthias & Jimmy's perspective.
Is your husband a relative of mine? Going through the same stuff but with a twist...
The guy I'm married to? Became a stranger 7 years ago by his own hands, and now, I live miserably alone, waiting for my number to be called because I'm literally stuck here.
@danielleheisler5321 how do you continue to function in a home when your husband of over 30 years becomes a stranger from a medical emergency? When you're literally dealing with a 5 year old mentality.
He hasn't remembered 1 anniversary in 6 years and when I bring it up, he complains and gives excuses.
This year? I wont be mentioning it because I don't want to remember it.
The guy that came home from rehab, is now 100% a narcisist. He had the traits beforehand but it's a whole new level now and there's nowhere to go from here.
Great Interview ❤
This was incredibly helpful! ❤ even though my husband and I value our relationship, we have struggled to know how to communicate effectively. Your videos, and now this wonderful gem of wisdom has really given us the tools we have been desiring. I feel confident now that we can authentically communicate. Holding infinite gratitude to JIMMY, Matthias and the Gottman’s for all your generosity 🙏🏻💕✨
I love to read Gottman’s books as well❤
Thanks for this! I rewatched it now cause I live in Asia ❤ shared with my husband too. Keep spreading the knowledge guys!
Cool! Great episode. Love you all!
Thank you. Great content
Dankeschön. Thank you ❤
Two of the favourites ❤
I enjoyed this interactive lecture very much! I especially relate a lot to the "i feel" statements portion because my partner still gets triggered by it even though I am just sharing my feelings and thinks I am trying to start an argument and becomes avoidant making me feel like my feelings aren't worthy of being heard. So I agree that if the other person isn't in a place where they are some what healed, the methods of "better" statements like " i feel" just won't work unfortunately. And so what should we do then?
Yesssss. Sometimes I spend *days* trying to word my hurts, always starting with “I feel/I felt” and still it is returned with the four horsemen. I’m just ready to give up at this point. 😔
This is so fantastic! Im reading The Love Prescription right now, and today marks the first day of the 7 day prescription. It took some pleading, but I got my partner to try it with me - I didnt get an agreement to read the book, but I did get my partner to say they would "try" the things in the book. Wish us luck!
This was wonderful!! One thing I wanted to address at some point one of you were giving an example and said “I feel unseen or I feel unheard” Within the last few months my boyfriend and I were in a relationship class where the main focus was non violent communication. Something we were taught is there are feelings and there are judgments and it’s really important to know the difference and be using feeling statements. (It is way easier said than done though haha we all struggled with it) but the judgment in this case would be “unseen” or “unheard” whereas the feeling may be: sad, angry, frustrated, etc.
Thanks for uploading , couldn't make it midnight as per Indian time zone..!!
Feeling “neglected” is NOT a feeling. It’s a perspective. That’s why someone is still defensive.
Julie stated that you must use an EMOTION and then describe the situation.
Thank you both so much for this awesome interview and conversation. A huge growth curve for me has been realizing that emotions are actually very short a list! So sharing my feelings (6 core ones!!) is actually quite effective when it comes from a very full-body vulnerable I statement that could be 'felt' Anything that ends in 'ed' is usually a perception or a judgement word I'm using instead of the actual feeling word! (like a psuedo feeling!) ex: instead of I feel abandoned it's more like I feel sad and scared and story I'm making is that you've left and abandoned me.
This is what I found on an Instagram post.
It said that everything ending with -ed is a judgement, accusing the other of not doing/not being/etc.
And in the post, they also explained how we have to dig deep to know what’s really there.
Odysseytoeden was the one account that I found talked about it lately.
It was interesting for me.
I hope Matthias and Jimmy would make a video one day about that.
There is a book about a method. The S.E.W method by Julia Colwell, I think it is about that.
Do you have ressources about that? :)
“Familiarity breeds contempt.” I can’t wait to see this!
I am sending this to my husband & we are going to watch this on our TV in the living room together. I've been told I need to go to therapy or counseling, I think my husband needs to hear this video so that I'm not the crazy one. 😢
I finally know who the plant person is at Jimmy's house! Awesome. The plants add so much to your videos!
Happy to know Jimmy lends a hand with the plants, as needed!
1:04 Matthias totally describes my husband's posture. Trying to hold it up alone is painful! This whole thing... 😢 he wants the physical intimacy but. Or the engagement.
Mathias, what kind of camera set-up do you have?! Nice warm cinematography aesthetic to it. Impressive.
Validating is to the feeling, not the fact or opinion
How long will this stay up Matthias and Jimmy? Hoping to watch next weekend, but aware they usually don’t last that long 😊
Love it! Thanks for sharing 🙏🙏
Really the non-violente communication (from Dr. Rosenberg) works miracles 🤗
But let's say some one says "you rejected me and you are selfish" the other can still choose to respond with "I hear you are feeling rejected. I can see how you can see that as selfish " harder to do but it is the key sometimes defusing the situation
Yes it can help rebuild trust if only he would...
I THOUGHT WE BOTH LOVED PLANTS!!! 😂😂
I have a question about the number of bids for attention and how that varies across attachment styles. Has there been any work on this?
Am I the only one who thought Mrs Gotman was rude when she called her husband out and said ha ha at about the 19 min going forward? She did not take their own advice, and ha Ha was totally uncalled for. I'll take Jimmies advice all day anyday. Also i don't have a problem with honesty. Telling someone they are rude if they are being rude. And I don't mind someone calling me out and apologizing when I'm in the wrong. Just saying my truth.
I think she was quick to correct to avoid misunderstandings of the process. If they have high relational capital it’s easy for John to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt. The question would be: is she really trying to put him down or was it an automatic response to give the right info?
37:49 I agree that saying "I can't control how you feel" is an unhelpful reply. Similarly, "I can't help how you download my statements" doesn't help me because it put all the responsibility on me to understand my partner.
Not everyone wants to process internal worlds or talk about them. How do you make a connection and build trust that feels safe for both parties to share
Validating can be as simple as paraphrasing what your partner shared, finding their truth in it, and showing them you are hearing them. It takes the temperature way down.
If someone calls you a stupid jerk, that's not the time to resolve anything. Ask for a time out with the promise of coming back when both are calm.
Enraged people are in amygdala hijack...not in sage cerebral cortex functioning.That aggressiveness will only escalate if the other engages.
Is there any way that I can get a book?
I’m new to you all.
Can you explain what ‘turn towards’ means?
Is it simply facing your partner more ?
Or more involved?
It’s both.. visually seeking out your partner and behaviorally, facing them when communicating, sitting close to them, making verbal / nonverbal gestures that indicate you are aware and care if your partner is relating to you in someway..
Turning toward is also.. remediating a ‘ dismissive ‘ or ‘ distracted ‘ behavior.. not returning eye contact, responding to utterances or asking for clarification instead of hiding behind defensiveness .. I.e. saying ‘ Huh ? Uh sorry.. will you say that again ?’ Instead of .. ‘ I didn’t hear you, OKAYYY.. jeeze.. you can SEE I was watching or doing or thinking something.. ‘
AND then NOT following up on the original issue.. your partners non response to your bid ..
This means You ( the initiator or bidder ) are feeling rejected devalued blamed shamed gaslit ( obviously not hearing wasn’t the problem because after you explained or repeated, they did remedy the issue )
and then stupid vulnerable unappreciated under attack and unloved.. for Attempting to connect, working hard to connect and continuing to be wounded by their intentional desire to punish you in return
I interpret “turning towards” to mean expressing a conscious interest in listening, hearing, connecting and engaging with them. Being present. Showing them that they are valuable to you. This can show up in many different ways. As opposed to dismissing their feelings, or being distracted by other things, which can lead to them feeling unimportant. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but it is incredibly beneficial to a healthy relationship. Glad you are here learning about it. So grateful for these conversations. 🙏🏻
Just like the lady with the inheritance, I did that but he did not care about it. Still said no cause he values money more than me.
Ugh! I am always initiating and giving him what he needs to address said hurt but it's never given back to me. 😢
They fired their counselor for advising that he set a boundary. Are they saying that there should not be boundaries in marriage, do you address healthy boundaries?
I don't think they were saying not to set boundaries. They were just saying don't lead with that. That It is not the answer or solution to the problems they were having. Not the end all be all. That is Something that is necessary but Has to be used the right time and place. Their counselor wasn't looking any deeper. Sometimes counselors latch on to one thing when there is so much nuance in relationships to be explored.
What to do when you partner repeatedly avoids your bids for connection and this is not a phase; it's become a position.
Turn towards ?
Not going to the baseball games did it for yrs that's what friends are for. My marriage is doomed :(. 47 yrs married 35 blissful 10 yrs of arguing!!!😅😅 truth!! Anyways enjoyed the video. Jimmy u needed to bring your lady friend with the 😅😅😅 wig?!!😅😅😅
14:05 feels a little off to me. I understand her focus is disregarding who's to blame instead focus on the issues and how to resolve it, but one thing I don't understand is then how can you make your partner grow out of bad habits or not repeat the same mistakes if they don't know that it's due to their mistake that caused the issue? I know people can change in some ways and maybe not so much in other ways but we are adults and it is naive to think we cannot understand our mistake and be better. do better. It's kind of like when your child does something wrong and the mother comforts him to make him feel like it's okay and he did nothing wrong. While the dad make's it known he did do something wrong and their are consequences for it and he should learn not to repeat these mistakes because it's not doing any good. As adults I don't agree we should treat each other as kids and disregard mistakes we did. I think it should be pointed out to inform them why it is an issue so they can learn it bothers their partner and change or compromise. Not hold the issues against them or using it as a reason to make them feel insult them. But they do need to understand what wrong doing they did. And I know the word fault is something couples try to avoid because no one wants to feel wrong but it does not mean it doesn't exist. By default if someone makes a mistake or does something that bothers their partner then they are at fault for causing the issue. Why else would their need for anyone to say sorry if they aren't at fault. I think we are mature enough to understand when it's our fault for the issue at hand & accepting accountability and amending for it is maturity.
Ya I try to “unearth “ stuff and ask questions and get to know him better to understand maybe why he does something etc.. and I get “anymore questions? I want to finish my movie” BS… he feels like he is being drilled oe whatever and I say ok sorry I was just trying to understand you better..
No depth in the relationship.. no interest to deepen our knowledge of each ther.. can’t do it if it’s nice sided.. he would prefer to be left alone so fine… enjoy yourself
Ps. Who l was at the door ?? Do I get a book for.most comments? No im a littlemlate but i believe in miracles lol😅😅😅
Sounds more like Jimmy doesn’t help her with her plants - “do the fertiliser or whatever”
🥰🥰🥰🥰🎁🥰🥰🥰🥰
regrettable incident. we don't talk, just stack them up. no resolve. no trust. and if I press, he'll say "sorry." not in a way that is at all believable, but, just to shut me up.
learning a lot from this. thank you!!
19:54 I love the Gottmans, but Julie was disrespectful to her husband 😮 Insisting on being “right” does not contribute to peace and harmony.
Way too many advertisment. I got tired of the weight loss and lip volume ads and didn't get to watch the video. So rediculous. I like my body the way it is. These ads are not conducive to healthy self image. Disapointed gentlemen
ads are the fault of your server not the dudes. I have no ads.
I’m getting a lot out of this talk…. But that was so unhealthy when Dr Julia said “haha” when being confirmed being “right” over her husband at minute 20. Yikes what a faux pas!
Jimmy and Matthias, at the risk of sounding like most... It would be interesting to discuss the validity of using the word 'valid'... It probably causes more confusion than clarity.
Also, Jimmy loves plants 🪴 ❤