Narcissist: How I Experience My False Self
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- čas přidán 29. 10. 2023
- An honest and self-aware narcissist would describe his or her inner world this way:
"I experience my False Self through a glass darkly, partition, observer only.
Truthful voices distant, dimmed, echoes.
Depersonalization and derealization.
It serves as a decoy, it "attracts the fire". It is a proxy for the True Self. It is tough as nails and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions. By inventing it, the child develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, smothering, or exploitation - in short: to the abuse - inflicted on him by his parents (or by other Primary Objects in his life). It is an invisibility cloak, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time.
The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think I am. I am someone else. I am this (False) Self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behaviour and attitude towards the narcissist.
Re-Interpretation
It causes the narcissist to re-interpret certain emotions and reactions in a flattering, socially acceptable, light. The narcissist may, for instance, interpret fear as compassion. If the narcissist hurts someone he fears (e.g., an authority figure), he may feel bad afterwards and interpret his discomfort as empathy and compassion or courage, having balls. To be afraid is humiliating - to be compassionate or brave is commendable and earns the narcissist social commendation and understanding (narcissistic supply).
Emulation, Mimicry
The narcissist is possessed of an uncanny ability to psychologically penetrate others. Often, this gift is abused and put at the service of the narcissist's control freakery and sadism. The narcissist uses it liberally to annihilate the natural defences of his victims by faking empathy.
This capacity is coupled with the narcissist's eerie ability to imitate emotions and their attendant behaviours (affect). The narcissist possesses "emotional resonance tables". He keeps records of every action and reaction, every utterance and consequence, every datum provided by others regarding their state of mind and emotional make-up. From these, he then constructs a set of formulas, which often result in impeccably accurate renditions of emotional behaviour. This can be enormously deceiving."
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Probably the most profound and utterly heart wrenching videos on narcissism I’ve seen to date and I’ve watched hundreds trying to understand TY for this I hope you find peace knowing that you have helped me and others get to a place of acceptance and detachment After 7 years of loving this man I finally know what I knew all along, that I wasn’t making a dent ✌️🙏💔
@@pugonato that NO amount of love acceptance or EFFORT will “fix” a narcissist That I’ve been pouring myself into an empty vessel for YEARS 😢
@@pugonato YES!! Otherwise you’ll be a hamster on a wheel No matter how fast you run or how long you stop and find yourself right where you began Don’t waste ur precious time!! ✌️
Merci pour votre sincérité notre passage sur terre estexperience universel qui doit avoir un sens un aboutissement j'espère de tous mon cœur que notre peine y servira
Very well described... tq for sharing 🙏🏽 I feel that we should share our experiences to others in whatever capacity we can... It will help create awareness & may help someone's livelihood... Wishing everyone a joyful live a head, stay cool & become the best 💪🏽
☆ Prof. Vaknin, sincere thanks & appreciation to what you do... You have helped me in great significance that I don't have the vocabulary capacity to express my gratitude appropriately, Sir. 🙏🏽
Your deeds are profound & honorable. Much love & respect, God bless ❤ 🫡
- Borneo, Malaysia
Does his final comment refer to liberation as death?
Professor, this video shows me that your inner child is still trying to comunicate with you. Please, dont let him go.
Amen
Sergio,
What you wrote was beautifully and
I second your comment.
❤❤❤❤❤
@@oachie8862 Thank you, ❤
Yes
I agree. Absolutely
It's the first time that I see your eyes expressing sensitivity, self pity and compassion for the little boy you used to be. You really made me cry. Thank you for sharing this video❤
Sam! I'm speechless yet flooded..non stop tears and sobs. I think everyone here has said all that I would want to say to you myself. 4 years researching day after day after day. Watching your videos and many many others ..but this one...I am almost breathless gulping for air. I wish and I pray pray pray for anything to stop this in the world. And fix and heal every single soul plagued by such a two faced coping mechanism. Thank you for being you- I know I see at least a chunk of the real you in this video. Your the strongest damaged being I have ever heard speak. If there is anything you can teach us how to help our narcissists and ourselves please continue try. Only you have the power to even come close to real help for both our side of this tragedy and the others in your boat. Even a petition or proposal for foced parenting classes in school or something that you think could help us all..Peace and blessings for all eternity brave soul. Thank you ❤
No offense but. He said he is enlighten..no he isn't enlighten. He is a demon & is actually getting feed off all our comments etc..
@@Melissa-gx7ivno offense, but that’s the most narcissistic comment I’ve ever read.
@@Melissa-gx7iv👎
@@Melissa-gx7ivHe may be receiving VALIDATION for his descriptions of his experiences, but has he not earned the respect he is being shown in these comments? Does he deserve to be dismissed for his stellar contributions to our understanding simply because he is a survivor of horrifying abuse as a child and adapted the only way available to him? How does his enjoyment of well-earned accolades for revealing painful truths injure anyone? Sam Vaknin has probably helped more people understand severe trauma adaptations than all the practicing therapists combined and has certainly been helpful to my own understanding of narcissistic anuse and schizoid dynamics- he's a credit to his profession and to humanity, so let's please give the man his due without the torches and pitchforks. The witch hunting needs to stop NOW.
Sam. This has allowed me to feel more compassion after being so damaged by a narcissist to understand how profound the cut off is from their true self. Thank you thank you thank you for your vulnerability for your truthfulness and for doing this video, you are a beautiful human being.
I am so fortunate to have met you here in this medium of digital communication which has helped me so much to find the compassion I need to be with my loved one
I believe that, on a soul level, Sam and his false self, have gone through this journey in order to teach others.
My mother is a narcissist and this really helps me to have compassion towards her (even though I know she will never change)
@@lesley-annsimpson8507Thank you Lesley, that was a very empathetic and hopeful message, and I think very observant as well. I can't know the subjective experience of being Sam, but his descriptions of his perceptions and origins are remarkably similar to my own experiences though to a much more severe degree and with a much more efficacious false-self. I am not a narcissist but a schizoid with traits and features of AvPD and possibly other adaptations built around the "empty core" shared between most of these adaptations (I reject the term "disorder", but that's another story for a different day).
Your attention to the experience of shame indicating that there must be someone left who experiences it seems true to me, though it is a dissociated part that exists separately from the "false-self" persona. My own experience is of a persona derived from editing rather than invention and construction, a result of the other parts of self being peeled away like smudges of graphite from a block on cellophane tape and being exiled to a private Limbo- these parts either fled willingly for protection (of itself as a part or for the safety of the whole) or were placed there as a result of repeated rejection which essentially "killed" the part's expression. Like you, I believe some vestigial form may still exist locked away in the void or in the depths of the unconscious- I can sometimes hear them calling out faintly in existential despair and pounding on the doors to their cells.
I also recognize the validity of your observations concerning "somatic release", having experienced a form of this with my amazing and patient wife of 23 years. She was the only person I ever felt truly loved me and she encouraged some of the qualities of some of those exiled parts to come out and play and to be borrowed into the persona. I built a career and business and a few casual and transactional relationships on the basis of that "enhanced" persona and the skills I acquired through it, but when she died the persona soon reverted to the prior bare-bones role of mercenary "protector" and the life we had built together crumbled. I did not have an awareness of my condition then, or the words or thoughts to express how I experienced existence, or know there was a name for how I am; I only began my study of psychology as a way to understand what happened after the tragic end of a very damaging relationship with a woman I believe was an unidentified Borderline, almost 4 years ago, and only identified myself as schizoid about 9 months ago. Had I known what I now know during my marriage, would it have made permanent healing possible? Maybe. Maybe not. But during the marriage I functioned better than I ever had and we were content and loved each other dearly (for my part, more than life itself).
I have been able to maintain some tentative vicarious experiencing of feeling through my appreciation of art, literature, and especially emotionally evocative music- I am an INFJ, and I think my empathy with the artist's story and emotions through my otherwise muted and co-opted Fe resonates with my unconscious Fi and the repressed feelings associated with my trauma history. This is still a somewhat cognitive phenomenon, but I have found it to be useful in accessing some of the pain buried in the past. Additionally, literature and music have provided a language that has unknowingly prepared me to make sense and use of an experience I had in September 2022 which has begun to evolve into a method to address and explore my trauma as well as new interests and a potential career path.
I had what could be described as a waking dream, a spiritual awakening, or a temporary psychotic break; choose your vernacular, I have come to accept these as interchangeable terms, and either one describes my unconscious speaking its secrets. During this experience I came face-to-face with my attachment trauma and other abuse through spontaneously generated poetry (which I wrote down) and a narrative of early childhood events portrayed through archetypal fantasy avatars and accompanied by a "lullaby" that characterizes very well some of the roots of my defensive adaptations (Dio- "Don't Talk To Strangers"). I "received" cryptic instructions from an unseen Feminine presence to "raise a Temple, a bridge between worlds" that will allow me to "walk between them at will" and acquire the ability to "create Beauty from Darkness itself", and that a community of wise teachers and students would gather there to help heal the world. There were "rumors whispered from the shadows" of an "Enchantress" who would help but she was not shown to me. Several real-world synchronicities occurred around the event- an owl in a pine tree "who"ed during the experience and for 3 days and nights; on the third day I was visited by a pair of damselflies, cousins of the dragonfly of my "dream-imagery" who "whispered poetry in my ear with the hum of its wings". The damselflies mated mid-flight and formed a lopsided open heart symbol before parting and departing to whatever world they came from, apparently joined by the owl. I began to accept the irrational and spiritual that day for the first time since rejecting religion completely at 15 and to follow the trail of "signs" into the study of the esoteric and Jungian psychoanalysis. I believe my unconscious gave me a tool to help me explore my private Limbo and the exiled parts there in a way that is a more gentle blend of cognitive and emotional exposure. My avatar's "mission" there is to tattoo the stories and essences of those pale spirits onto the pages of his diary and his skin in the blue ink (truth) distilled from his tears so they can live again in him (me). This is a description of Jungian integration using fantasy archetypes as a medium, a way to reconstruct a more complete ego or "persona" from the exiled parts. Most recently I have discovered my anima and have begun to let her speak through my writing, and she has a LOT to say about many things- she's vampiric, but not evil and she only wants to live and love, and she's growing on me 😉. She's the libidinal drive and is the key to deeper exploration.
It may be too late for me to fulfill many of the desires I might find through this exercise, but I have things I would like to accomplish before my final liberation and if this can help remove some of the obstacles I will call it a win. Among those tasks is to try to help younger people by sharing my experiences before time steals their opportunities and hopes, and to help bring awareness to the causes and effects of intergenerational family and societal trauma so a more natural and nurturing culture can emerge. I hope my examples inspire someone to develop their own personalized version of the methods I'm working with and I'm willing to provide more details if anyone is interested. I will be publishing "The Book Of Ronin" as Ronin Ravenquill at some point in some format(s) and possibly as an animè series as a blueprint of my findings and an expression of my recovered parts. This is the observations and experiences of one non-academic schizoid of questionable sanity in a momentary fit of optimism, so take it for what it's worth and I hope it helps someone.
I'm sorry you've had such a dissappointing and hurtful experience Lesley, you seem very patient, bright, and understanding, and you deserve to heal and be happy too. Thank you for your kind outlook on those suffering with personality "disorders", I hope I'm not the only one who appreciates your attitude and I hope my reply helps highlight the potential validity of your experience and insights, and that some will endeavor to metabolize the pain and grief of their abuse to find a new beginning- there is no way out but through. Nihil ausus, nihil mutatum. Carpè noctum. 🙏🕊💙🌒🌕🌘 Namaste.
I hope that your compassion doesn't trap you into a situation where you risk losing yourself, as I almost did. All the compassion in the world will never fix the narcissist or change his behavior.
I was going to start my errands and I thought "Oh cool, a new Sam video!" Watched it, can't stop crying. All I want to do is go back in time and find little Sammy, scoop him up and risk everything to get him out of that house of horrors. Ur doing the hardest thing there is, you're washing windows in hell and you know it and still you have found a way to not just stop hurting others but set alot of us free from our hells, knowing you're forever buried alive......I know you cant feel it but I have so much fierce love for you.
💯🙌❤
It's interesting but are you guys really falling for this?? Sam Vaknin loves to be Sam Vaknin... After all, he is the best! Better than all of us feeble minded human beings. And apparently he's right!
Schade, dass ich nicht gut die englische Sprache verstehe. 😕
@@Persefone94 Inflexibel 🤔 ...No, objective. I was merely demonstrating what I've learned from Mr Vaknin and I was paying him a compliment whilst showing people who empathise with Mr Vaknin's (sad delivered) story that they haven't learned. Mr Vaknin is teaching us what narcissism is and people still fall for the narcissist's play acting to be seen as innocent and loveable 🤦It also demonstrates that Mr Vaknin is right believing people are less intelligent (to put it nicely) than him.
@@wesleyvandreumel5195 omg...at the very least I did get a good belly laugh from your comment
Completely true. I was diagnosed with covert narcissism in 2020 and it took 3 more years to finally admit that the diagnose was true. I also experienced the same thing during childhood and had to create a coping strategy. A person who didn't care less if my love for my parents was misused and had to be 'the steady rock' in our family supporting my father and mother as well. Impossible for a kid, so the only solution was to push the kid away and become a man that couldn't emotionally be touched. I got angry if my girlfriend or even our kids came to close to my centre of love & care. I played an act for many year (> 30 years), but I don't want to anymore. I want to feel, share, love, feel the warmth of love, etc. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and am in therapy right now.
BRAVO
Best of luck on ur healing journey, journey of self discovery. I'm routing for you. Don't give up the good fight
🤗💚💯🙏🏿
I heard Andrew Tate speak to a therapist once, and he described the same experience of ‘toughing up’
would u say, someone with this diagnosis should have kids?
This was the one upload that I think I've been secretly, subconciously, hoping for and yet dreading equally all the years, Sam. I commend your honesty and integrity, and respect your unique ability to present these deep thoughts and introspections so authenticly and intelligently.
❤
Sam I've been researching emotional and spiritual literacy for 25 years, and I believe that your demonic false self can be healed, and your soul retrieved, and that your true spirit is indestructible.
@@jomansson5742not easy.
You can be who you thought you were supposed to be because others destroy you day in and day out.
Not narcissistic, but no nightmares every night any more. And only now understand what impulsivity "actually" is because I don't have it anymore. I couldn't know what it was until it was gone. How I knew it was gone when I started "making clean, clear, unaffected, non impulsive decisions" that resulted in the fully present me making decisions for me now...the me now...
What a wonderful thing to buy or not buy a coffee, alcohol, deserts etc. Even outside of food decisions.
I feel clear minded most of the time.
What's next?
How will my life transform with less or no traumatic past influence in the present?
Very exciting.
Maybe my career will change?
My relationships have changed for the good!
Life has been much more peaceful and slower feeling. My mind, less racing and less ruminating.
@@jomansson5742how is that? 😊
Dear Professor Vaknin, You have given me glimpses into the depths of the human psyche that I would not have believed were real. You have enabled me to have some understanding of my narcissistic father who terrified me for 70 years. He is finally gone after 97 years of bone-chilling manipulation of our family. He took my mother’s sanity. He tried to take mine. I was the only person left who would go near him or help him. Thanks to you I was able to stand up to him and call him out from a distance over the telephone. It was a terrible scene. He died two weeks later after some type of neurological incident. You made me see that under all his noise was nothing and no one. I will not go to my grave carrying the shame and terror he inflicted on me. I actually stood up to him. Thank you
YES you did!!! I did the same with mines, just buried him 3 months ago. We are free!! Girrrl celebrate! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
@ Dr. Sam Vaknin, I’m at work sitting at my computer and I weep for you and for my soon to be ex husband. I’ve never heard (what I suspected and sensed the past 18yrs) described with such heart breaking and succinct words.
I’m so sorry for the horrible pain you experienced at the hands of the one person in the world who should have loved you to life. 😢
Lydia?
@@audreythomas9028I'm Lydia
This is very honest, painful, and true. I loved a man like you from age 16-45 who told me things about his insides that are very much like you're describing. I didn't know about narcissistic personality disorder. I kept thinking I could "love the emptyness out of him". Nope. Now he's hurting our kids by convincing them that I'm a monster for leaving him. We all get to lose, now.
I feel sorry for your plight, but I thank you for saving my life. I discovered you in 2010 and moved out of "his house" in 2012. Best wishes...I mean it.
@@dreamlove361 ? So?
@dreamlove....don't you have some medieval torture techniques to catch up on?
the situation with the kids is unfortunately but.. it was probably the best choice for you personally.
I wasn’t with mine for that long and didn’t have kids either him but “his house” triggered me. Glad you got out and I hope your kids realize who he really is one day. ❤️🩹
You are a very courageous man, Sam. I was in hell and utter confusion after my breakup with a pwBPD, and your work quite literally saved my life. You are loved by me and many others, even if it cannot be fully permeated into your being. We are grateful for you.
My false self emerged during childhood and really took over in adolescence. I still think my true self is a alive and there is a chance to put it back into the driver’s seat, but time is running out. My false self has become so entrenched and made so many life-altering choices regarding my career, (anti-)social life, and hobbies, that it seems impossible to make any big changes now. If they ever find an easy cure for the effects of childhood abuse on the brain, people in the future will look back at us in horror like we do at torture victims in the middle ages. Anyways, nice shirt, Professor.
I really think when i met my husband in 2005, the false self had not fully taken over yet. There are two or three Moments im sure i saw HIM. But some years ago, i Kind of felt, no matter how hatd i try, he doesnt Show up anymore.
I have three wonderful sons, therefore i live with four boys and i cant stop thinking about all those fairytales where the spell is broken, when the witch who put it on him dies. I cant tell how man Times i've pummeld my mother in law in my mind. About 12 years ago i said to my father, that i really need to get a drivers licence, so that i can run over her. He replied " thats my german girl . Obedient of the law. Before you commit murder with your car you must be authorized to drive it."
She hated me the moment i entered the room. She must have sensed i might be the one to get him out there. After my mother ( probably NPD) met her the first time, she said to me: " she doesnt like you. And she defenetly fears you"
I didnt belive her as she has alwqys been scapegoating me and i thought she'd just want to take that from me. And this was metaphorically the moment where my mum handed me the Red toned glasses.
The point is: i still crave to run her over with my car ( drivers licence:check) because i cant get rid of this " kill the witch Break the spell" feeling, so i can vomit out the Apple, fit in the glass shoes, escape the tower behind the thornes with my dwarfs, so shrek and i can live happily ever after... but i gave up on him, when i realized that i failed to save him from drowning and he has sunk to the ground. He will never get back into the boat. And what he had once described as a Monster i cant leave him alone with, will be sailing alone. To nowhere.
@@user-vu9xp1fr1p Hugs to you and him. I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how they can. I have not found anyone who claims and does heal them. I have found some people who I believe are capable of healing them -- given the right training.
Same story, similar outcome except my (schizoid) false self lost the ability to perform as he had after my wife died and then an abusive borderline relationship. So my life is changing without me and I have no choice but to change at 57. The only way I see to approach this after 4 years of intensive study is to feel the pain and process the grief, and shielding that is the one thing my false-self does extra-well with, but I'm working on some tactics to turn him to help with the recovery. Sorry you're experiencing this, none of us had a choice and deserve better.
grief seems to be the key. humans will do almost anything to avoid it but it's the key
@@user-vu9xp1fr1p❤beautiful way to describe the sadness and struggles we go through. My mother in law id the same, hates me and adores him and wants him to adore gim. Im German too, and I think our stubbornness is what has made us stick with them for so long.
"There is no love without presence."
I have been forced to study narcissism for the past year. I have never seen anything like this. I’m sorry for what you have endured and for what she endures. Thank you for sharing, utterly heartbreaking and spellbinding at the same time.
I was crying throughout the video. Folks, we cannot even imagine the level of pain that is inside Narcissist mind and soul. The way Sam has put all the feelings that a Narcissist might never find words for (because of the denial mode 24*7) and still have to carry a self, that they think is authentic (but is false) is excruciating to any legitimate being. I can't imagine a single second of my life, being in the pain that is inside of them. Whatever trauma happened in their childhood, big or small, the pain that they carry is real. Unfortunately, they cannot be vulnerable otherwise we could have helped them. I truly, through this video, have concluded that their internalised pain, has made them that way, and they do everything to protect, the already false self. I truly feel sorry for the emptiness that is in them, but even after wanting to, cannot feel sorry for the pain that they CAUSE. :(
I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how. I haven't found anyone yet that heals them as I believe it can be done.
Sam, you are the more honest human, to helps us to understand very clear, what is all horrible complexity behind the big masks of the narciso.
@@EmbraceTerrorI'm listening...
@@EmbraceTerrorhow
Unlike psychopaths, NPDs are usually incapable of introspection and insight like this 🤔. Approach with caution, no matter how heartbreaking.
Dear Prof. Vaknin. This is one of the gutsiest things I've ever seen from anyone.
How you mentally apprehend your existence and the waiting abyss and the awareness you live with.Thank you for giving so much.
You have truly made a great and lasting contribution with your work. Those of us on the healing journey have been helped beyond words.
And you deserve peace, love , and healing as much as any living being. Take care.
I can't stop the tears... Anger, sadness and relief all mixed together. For so many years I thought that I've gone mad and I'm the only person in the world who feels the way you described. Thanks so much for sharing.
With a narc, you really can't feel anything for them, from my own experience. (NOt including professor, as he is so much aware and present with himself). But an average narc will try to make you cry for him and feel sorry for his experiences, while deeply inside he is celebrating his (hers) victory over stupid weak crying you, its their food
This is an incredibly fascinating and deeply terrifying insight into the nature of self and thus life itself. Theres no more profound horror than how trauma early in life can permanently amputate aspects of ones experience, if not psychologically kill you while your body still has to live for many decades.
I relate to never being really present, i had to derealize and have been stuck in a dreamlike state since ive been a small child.
I also experienced bouts of depersonalization. Never fully, but more than enough to know that there is nothing more hellish than being nothing at all without distracting yourself from it at all times.
It makes perfect sense for a false self to kill someone and use their body as a host.
Taking the leap of faith into nothingness is probably just as horrific as true spiritual enlightenment is fulfilling. But maybe its not or perhaps not permanently. I suppose theoretically thats the way to the other side, whatever that really means.
I suppose im lucky to still have a fairly solid true self but im not living in reality. I suppose im partially dead lol.
Despite those personal deficiencies you so hauntingly and succinctly express, you are an eloquently profound thinker and writer. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts and expressions are moving and appreciated.
What a wonderful teacher you are! You have taught me more about the dark side of psychology than any other teacher. Psychology has been built by outside observation of people. By being the "Inside" man, you have helped us make a great leap in understanding. Being both the objective observer and subjective participant has paid off in spades. You are worth your weight in gold. I'm sorry it has been at your expense. I feel that true self under the surface. It is hidden but still there. I believe in you despite yourself. Take care and keep breathing my friend.
Beautifully put.
Ahem.
Amen
I love you. By saying that I mean I love what I see and hear of what I believe is the real you. What a pity I am 73 years old...had I met you when I was younger I'd have been very interested in you - just as you are! Between you and Brad Pitt? You.
How can a person be so aware and still have a false self? I remember standing in my kitchen at about 35 with a crying baby and realising I had prioritised *appearing* to be happy over being happy. The deconstruction and reconstruction started there. My mother never had this epiphany. But having had it myself, I can'tcompletely let go of hope that one day we can communicate honestly, reciprocally. Her firewall protects her false self. I accept being alone pretty much. I don't want to dupe people though. I want them to see what's real. I have a few close friends and that's it.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse from my father and several romantic partners this makes sense to me. But it's frightening to look into someone else's void. My last ex gave out no real energy as a person and it often felt like being next to a black hole when I was with him. All his words seemed false, fake. Especially when he said he loved me. Narcissists drag us into their depersonalised state and their void when we are with them. It's taken me so long to start existing again as my own person after spending so much time with empty people. It's amazing what deep trauma does to us all. So sad. For the narcissists and even more so for us who suffer as a result of their conditions
Tears flowing 😢for the little boy and what he had to do mentally to survive
❤
When my narcissist discarded me, she finally showed me her true self, her false self, and it was utter nothingness. A dark, lightless vacuum. A cold, stone mausoleum. I thought she had projected this horrible sight onto me to punish me, but instead she had drawn me into her as her final goodbye and said, 'Look! This is who I truly am! There's nothing here. Go away.' I will never forget being given that opportunity to gaze upon living hell. That was ten years ago. I have not heard from her since.
I’m glad she’s in your past. If you don’t mind me asking, when you say she showed you her true self, what do you mean? She stopped acting and you saw it in her eyes? Just curious. Hope all is well
@@Jo-lp1px During our relationship she had been a rather gentle person, but in hindsight I now recall the many times she demonstrated her inability to bond. At the end, at the time of discard, she switched from gentle to monstrously cruel and cold. Like a cockroach when the lights go on, as soon as she knew that I knew she had been lying for years, she cut ties instantly, cut all communication and ghosted me. THAT was her true nature.
@@artluvr6170Thanks for being so forthcoming with your experience, I'm sorry you had to go through that- I went through something similar with someone I believe was an unidentified Borderline, and it was very confusing and damaging to be subjected to the continual idealization and devaluation for 4 years, and the escalation to gratuitous cruelty and unhinged accusations was devastating. Thank God it's over- I miss her.
"In sleep a peace, unknown in the waking world of sorrows."
I'm a schizoid (recently self-identified) so I have some sense of the emptiness (but not the cruelty) you describe seeing in her and I saw a chaotic version in my borderline. I'm curious about your perceptions of her inability to bond and how that showed up for you, if you're willing to try to articulate it. I have difficulty forming relationships and bonds also (I can, and did for 23 years but it takes the right person and a lot of trust, and I'm still not all there) and it could be helpful to have an objective view from the opposite perspective. In my case I never do anything to cause pain or show disregard, but my automatic defenses are always on guard to avoid conflict or being fully present, and I don't even know what fully present is because so much of me is just MIA. Anyway, I hope things are better for you now.
So well expressed! This was my observation when I was discarded just 2 months ago. It was like a living nightmare! The hateful look on his face when his mask slipped, the cruel and calculated things he said and did to destroy me on every front (over a few weeks prior to the breakup)! Then, during the breakup, he belittled and mocked me and told me he is on a journey of self-improvement (and I am not worthy, despite making sacrifices to support him with his issues). He even spoke to himself and about himself in the third person at one point, as though he was trying to justify his decision to discard me.😮 I am still recovering from the shock..
I hope you are doing well and have only healthy and fulfilling relationships going forward!!!! ✨️
@@loziitta1Your description is very good of a person that is entirely a false self. My brother has changed from the sweet boy he was into an abusive, angry, self absorbed, vien, condescending know it all. My sweet brother has disappeared. Gone. I don't know this thing he has become. I don't want to know him. Sadistic, cruel, dishonest, cowardly, backstabbing and manipulative. Unbelievable really. Really sick. My brother died a long time ago and I didn't know it. I know now. 😢 Sadly. I guess nothing to be done but pray for his lost soul and say good bye.
Thank you Sam. I see your true self in your eyes. You are so brave.
I remember.....one night I had a big fight with my ex narcissist I cried, he looked at me.... it was so cold, dark emptiness, nothingness he said, '' Go away, go get a better life!''
Prof.Vaknin, you have changed my life for the better daily for nearly two years. Your story sent a riptide of enlightenment into my earliest and last memories of my narcissistic Dad, an only child of a sadistic father and grandiose and often drunk mother who habitually left their preschool-age son and his outlandish imaginary friend locked in the house whenever they worked, partied, or went away for the weekend. My Dad spent his formative years as a goldfish in a dirty bowl with a weekend feeder.
I didn't know until I was in my 30s that Dad's childhood pal and primary caregiver was imaginary until I asked my vainglorious grandmother if she had any pictures of Dad and Eddie. "He made him up." She said, "Go ask him to draw you a picture."
Sam, your video helped me to understand why my Dad's childhood stories were magical Eddie stories. He never mentioned himself or his parents in the stories until Eddie disappeared in 1947, the year Dad started first grade. Alone during winter break, Dad broke a front porch picture window bit by bit, and by 5 a.m. he was outside in 19-degree weather banging on a toy snare drum that woke the neighborhood on December 25 during a snowstorm that knocked the power out. The horror of reality morphed into my Dad's favorite childhood memory; playing drums on Christmas morning and people running through the snow in bathrobes that looked like angel wings.
I don't need a photograph or drawing of Eddie. I have a bronze baby shoe circa 1942 with an adorable, laughing, baby boy wearing an uncomfortable-looking romper with a wonky starched collar trying to keep his fingers together, pressed to his lap. He's the Dad I want to remember. Thank you, Professor Sam Vaknin.
This is by far the best discourse on the False Self. Thank you for sharing.🙏
Hi, Sam. I'm autistic so I partially understand you. Thank you for your work.
Thank you for sharing Sam, glad you are here with us today and sharing your knowledge and yourself as much as you are willing too. We appreciate you 🙏🏻
I cried at the end when you talked about hoping to be loved enough to flower and discover yourself. The fact that you can't makes me angry at the universe.
he needs to love himself! be aware of his thoughts, don't take them as truths, and show compassion to himself. Nothing comes from the outside, inner work is needed
Gratitude for sharing this with us. 🙏🏽
I actually cried 😢 He's so good with words, my goodness
This is fascinating. How many times has the person in my life said "it's not me, it doesn't depend on me to change". I used to think it was a cop out but maybe it's true. It doesn't absolve her from her actions but it sheds a new light.
Im Sorry for the loss of innocence and unimaginable abuse of which you suffered Sam, no child should have to endure such torture 😔 thank you for your wealth of knowledge and sharing of such profound and personal insights 🙌 I wish you peace ☮️
The only way I found to become myself again after trauma was by experiencing the nothing. You appreciate being "not this" the more you realize you aren't.
THIS!!!!!! YES!!! It’s good to know that I’m human lol. I’ve experienced this as well, recently. Thank you for the way forward and helping me trust my gut which says to experience the nothing but WTF the nothing! But my gut says that safety and stability lies there…of all places. This nothing is is different. It “dissolves” or “dislodges” identification with “the scar” as a call it. But again, thank you for the way forward.
this video left me speechless.
I just wanted to say that you are helping me a lot, every single day, and I will always be grateful.
Thank you Professor.
from the bottom of my heart, i send much love to you. listening to your description of your experience is like watching a train wreck in slow motion--and yet, in spite of it all, you understand, you have survived, and you yet live to tell about it for the benefit of society. i am watching a narcissistic sibling and a narcissistic ex-spouse age--both are in their 60s now, and it shows, and both have increasingly non-trivial health issues. so i am watching those two slow-motion train wrecks and hoping for the best for them because, like you, they didn't ask for this. my narcissistic uncle recently died, and the family breathed a sigh of relief because he could no longer hurt anyone. and we're all watching the slow-motion train-wreck that is decompensating on the world stage, facing, what, 4 criminal trials and 91 indictments...? whining that facing the possibility of finally being held accountable for his own criminal acts is somehow worse than being literally assassinated with a bullet to the brain....
I feel horribly guilty for lambasting my ex. This video made me cry
Now I just want to hug him and tell him I forgive him and that it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could.
Remember that no contact is the best with narcissistic people
But it WAS his fault. He took the wrong road somewhere in his life and became who he is. He chose to be who he is and he chooses everyday to be who he is. If he was cruel to you he chose to be. He could have made a different choice anytime.
I really don't think so you know - narcissists suffer very greatly themselves.@@leanne123
@@leanne123 "There but for grace of God..." applies...you don't know how *you* would have developed with the same genes & damaged development.
If you could forgive him, I think it would be good for both of you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep healthy boundaries up to prevent more damage from him. It isn't really fair or logical to get mad at a snake for biting, but that doesnt mean you shouldn't keep your distance. ❤
Thank you for this video. I've lived with narcissists all my life and this made me understand it better. My hope to be able to change a narcissist was my own prison. It was a long journey, with lots of pain, to discover in the end that I was just as empty as the narcissist is. I'm dealing with my own challenges now. Self-love.
Me too Namaste ❤
@@jeannieotb8491 ❤️
Sam, no matter how much people tell you "you're the best in your field", "your videos changed my life", "you're handsome and interesting", "you're a good friend, author, etc', you still don't believe it? Isn't there any way to convince yourself that you ARE and that you have actually BECOME and that you CAN BE LOVED after everything you have done to help us and how you have contributed to this painful world through your books and videos?
I think that in simpler terms is called a complex or a double bind. You can reason it all you want but your mind will never accept what is reality. There is no convincing that part of you as it will continually rebuke all arguments of reason.
I'm shocked with your raw thuth, thank you from the bottom of my heart, my respect for you.
" *you CAN BE LOVED* "
That's impossible. The only person he gives a hoot about is himself, and he's incapable of loving even that.
All you can do is pity him, but that will remind him of whom he really is, so he will interpret it as a threat and punish you for it.
Alternatively, you can try to love his false self, but that will show you to be easily gullible, pitiful "subhuman" of sorts. A perfect victim.
You are correct that he has earned the respect he automatically rejects, and that there is obviously a worthwhile and lovable human being who speaks through his mouth and looks through his eyes- we all see it, but he doesn't. To truly acknowledge himself and be seen by others inspires a terror of being consumed and obliterated so his persona must take all the credit to avoid the threat associated with presence. As a schizoid I experience something very similar and cannot fathom the amount of pain he must be hiding from, but I know enough of it to understand that unless he can learn how to feel the pain in small doses until his grief is metabolized his false-self will continue to "protect" him from himself and he will continue to experience only the void. I'm working on this myself, it's much harder and more complex than it sounds, and I'm sure magnitudes more so for him. At least all the comments will help drive the algorithm so more people will see his description; this is one of the most important videos made about trauma and its effects and the understanding of the impacts of childhood abuse, and the more who see it the more likely it is that things can change for future generations. Great comment though, the intent of your kindness counts by helping to encourage a more understanding attitude.😊
Narcissists are people who are very very harsh and strict on themselves and by extension to others as well. They live in constant pressure inside that they have pushed their inner selves out of existence because they feel their true self is not important enough and are afraid to listen to their true wants. So they try loving themselves through external things, like achievements , their appearance, their status.. they scream LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE, AND WHAT I APPEAR TO BE SO LOVE ME. All of people nowadays do this in a degree especially in the beginning of their relationships with others but very early or a bit later on they drop the mask and are being more themselves. But diagnosed narcissists do this a lot more and they never really become secure enough inside to be able to calm themselves enough and form a stable fulfilling relationship with someone.
I’m a 75yr old that has loved learning from you. You are so intelligent and I have learned so much from you. I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. I had a very narcissistic mother and I think her behaviour made me believe that I was ‘always wrong’, so my now-exe’s behaviour seemed normal.
I am SO SAD to hear this ‘autobiography’ lesson from you now. I’ve learned and grown so much from you after watching hours of your videos. This is simply heartbreaking. .. as a ‘wife’ I was always trying to believe the best of my narcissist, which only harmed my self-worth. You are so brilliant, your words and explanations have helped so many people and I know you’ve saved so many of us from giving up. Your ‘shared fantasy’ is my wish for you. I’m not a narcissist, but I am a loner because I’ve been exposed to so many narcissistic experiences, I doubt my own true self often. I would like to beg you to Please never give up on yourself, just as I cannot give up. You contribute so much, yet leave nothing for yourself. Your eloquence and intelligence are remarkable. If you can’t find your true self, perhaps create a kinder, self-loving ‘false-self’ because you -in spite of being a true narcissist- have been the best Educator I’ve ever heard. Millions of us are grateful.
Prof. Vaknin: Thank you for sharing what no narcissist will ever share. This helps me so much to understand and to heal. From a survivor of narcissistic abuse. 🙏
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining and sharing your life story, I am so sorry this happen to you it should had never happened, regardless of you always saying you have no empathy can't feel love or love anyone your words for me show the opposite you humbled, yourself became vulnerable which are human traits how can you still believe your not human? and lack an identity I think through the 1000's of videos you have so kindly shared with the world when you could have just stayed quiet this is having a purpose in life to make a horrible experience into something good, who did this? If not your trueself when you said I am a Genius I believe you are a special one and not in a grandiose Narcosist way but in a human way yes you did act and have done many mistakes in your life and caused pain to others what are you doing now? Helping strangers understand this disorder and Sir you have done a heroic and wonderful thing When your gone nobody that has had the privilege to know you through your videos will remember you for all the negative traits of Narcosism but for how much you gave of yourself and cared to share. If that is not a Human trait i dont know what is. Maybe since your first video you had an agenda to do this, i watched you throught out the years Mr. Vankin and you have change from a cold man in front of a camera to a delight to see hear and learn so much knowledge. A much better version of yourself i think reading the comments of people has allowed you to feel a connection because you have read our stories and have read our pain. Somehow I knew that man I was sharing my life felt this pain perhaps this is why I allowed the abuse the suffering and literally sacrificed myself to tell him you won't never confess what happened to you but I could feel his pain and I wanted nothing more to convince him it wasn't your fault you were a defensiveness child and what they did was horrible I am validating your suffering I can feel your pain let me help you I want to get you out of this prison I want to love you I tried all sort of ways until exhaustion and At one point felt I love you so much i am willing to die for you . Then my primitive instinct of survival kicked in i realized i am dying with you , you are sucking the life out of me your taking my soul. I don't want to die! I want to live! come with me ! He couldn't I think he truly wanted too but the false self would not let go so I had to let go. I had to come out of the illusion. I had to fight for my life but not all of it was an illusion . Your intentions was not to give false hope. Your testimony said the contrary I believe there is always hope you just demontrated this I think you have implemented your own cold therapy against yourself. YOUR name and this Legacy will live on forever you have helped so many we are truly greatful to you. Shalom.
What a poetic masterpiece! I feel you in my heart
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. This has helped me to understand so much and help me on my road to forgiveness, both of him and myself. Your videos have made such a difference on my journey to heal.
you’re so brave to analyse yourself like this. i’ve learnt that kindness and adopting a gentle approach with my husband is better to help him manage his narccism. i know i can’t change him but there is a way of living with someone with this condition. unfortunately it’s a terminal illness.
Some of us believe it doesn't have to be terminal, or at least not so all-consuming and destructive, but current standards of therapy are ineffective because they do not acknowledge and address the core wounds or respect the integrity of the false-self or the injured exiled parts and the profession mostly wants to prescribe a pill. In addition, the social media witch hunt for "The Narc" creates an environment discouraging to anyone with defensive adaptations to violations of trust and other attachment wounds, and I hope this video goes a long way toward changing the mood to one of compassion, encouragement to accept help, a new awareness among practitioners of the need to address the root causes and injuries, and more thoughtful parenting and support for parenting well. I'm a schizoid not a narcissist, but the emptiness in the center is the same, so I have some sense of what they suffer with, but am also aware of the damage they do as my own trauma stems from narcissistic abuse as a child. I think your approach with kindness for your husband is commendable and instructive and I know it must be difficult and thankless at times- I thought you deserved a bit of acknowledgement for your thoughtful and balanced comment and your dedication to humane kindness. Thanks. 😊
@@don-eb3fjthe knowledge and informed approach to parenting is quite helpful, you are correct. This is why I made it my life mission to understand. I find in myself that I am superior and special and it's like I see the dark space up ahead but I dare not go near it so I don't lose my real self. I was so close to losing it. Now I help adolescents who come from that environment and help them become aware of it and hopefully have strong defenses in their adult life.
@@kateklein9157 It's awesome that you've been able to recognize your own darkness, learned to avoid its worse pitfalls, and turn it into a gift to kids who would otherwise likely be lost to themselves or injure others. I'm only beginning to learn my own internal landscape and interpersonal dynamics, thanks in large part to teachers like Sam and others who share their experiences and insights, so I celebrate every person who finds ways to do so- thank you, for all our sakes. I take encouragement from your story to continue in my efforts to share my experience and insights in my own way in hopes of making a difference also. My best to you, and I hope the fulfillment of providing for others helps quiet the roar of the darkness for you and gives you reason to smile kindly on yourself- you deserve it.😊
Sam. I’ve learned more about narcissism through this video than any other. Thank you.
I no longer try to understand narcissists I avoid them as much as I can. No explanations from a twisted, tormented mind are relevant enough to let one of them into my life (again). Hurt people hurt people - they are traumatizing those who love them and as long as they don’t try to heal it’s just pointless.
Best wishes and goodbye!
Wow. These coping mechanisms that are designed to help us survive are just fascinating, we are so adaptable.
Human beings are such amazing and terrifying creatures.
Severely bullied in high school, I remember a moment when I realized this strategy exists. That I could decrease my suffering by constructing my own reality, different from what I knew at that point to be the actual reality. But I also knew some people who I had observed behaving in ways for all the time I've known them, that seemed consistent with them having made this same choice. I didn't want to become one of those people, so I made the decision to absorb the suffering, and deal with reality - especially my own weaknesses which I knew at that point exactly what they were - and take all the extra suffering that comes with it. But what if I hadn't known those warning examples of absolute empty shells of human beings?
EDIT: There's a "demotivational poster" that says "MISTAKES: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others". It's obviously a joke, but a thing can be jocular and true at the same time.
Brilliant that you saw this choice, knew to allow the pain and feel it instead of rejecting it, it saved you I bet
From bullies in school and bullies 3 at home, 7 and 8 grade I finished with Dr. Notes and staying at friends home. When her mom comes I go into closet and when she go shower , I go home and our both moms put our brothers on pedestal so we was both only one in that area understanding we not bad, but I felt bad for protecting my emotional being
It is, in many ways, a better choice. But not an easy one.
But, interestingly, I think a mirror of the NPD choice. Anti-narcissism? All that matters is the truth and reality.
Which, interestingly, like criminals and cops, is not as clear-cut as it would appear, and often a symbiotic (and hence very dangerous) relationship.
After all, who is going to be the most interesting person for someone with NPD to control or destroy, than the person who willingly takes on the pain they can’t take on?
And who is going to be the one most willing to fool themselves that they’re actually looking at the real truth, than someone that considers that more important than anything else? But when it’s too hard to actually look at, since it will kill them?
That was harrowing and really helps to understand the tragedy of narcissism for the host.
Professor, I urge to reconsider that you have truly died, though you may feel that way. I hope you find an truly intimate space where you can scream, cry, and engage with the overwhelming shame and horror that has happenned to you. You have helped me and many others traverse the inner viper and its great deception. Through you I understood the immensity of the challenge of uncoiling this snake, but I'm finding a path back to the source of such extreme invalidation and negation of the self. The trauma you have experienced, though only alluded to, is likely similar if not greater than that of myself and many others here, and through your clarity of mind and the courage to declare yourself incomplete, you have navigated the challenges and deceptions that occur within many of us, and have managed to keep a record of them, which is very rare. You have created a shelter within your brilliant mind but a mind alone does not grant the courage to assail these things as you have, even if you may do it from a detached vantage point. Dare I say you have mastered the didact within you. But the honesty with which you address us has a dual effect of being both validating but also sadistic towards that part that you say has died. Though we can engage with you from afar, and validate you and shower you with praise that is intercepted by the ego, I believe that the courage that you mustered that has helped so many is a remnant of that potential you say you lost, and through that courage you have managed to step away, if not in deed, at least in mind, to provide an honest and essential map of the maze of trauma and all its challenges. I believe that courage could be turned within into a more experiencial, less mental approach. I am not a therapist, I am a musician. I'm not very good, but through self expression I have battled and continue to battle with the monster of that deific all encompassing tyrant of the idealised false self. You have assumed responsibility for what you are now, and that is inmeasurably more than you give yourself credit for, and far more than what most in your position dare to do. If you have hurt others, as I'm sure you have, as I have through inaction, fear and stupidity, I believe that through this you are trying to find redemption, even you if despotically declare that you are beyond it. Please have faith that all the good you brought is also a reflection of another aspect of you that has not been consumed, and find the courage to look at it too. I truly wish you the best, and thank you for all that you have helped me.
What a human story and tragedy - more common than one realises
I feel you man. I have two kids and been married almost 20 years and nobody knows who I really am. They would think I'm some kind of Emotional Monster.
Get help man. Stop hurting the people who love you. That is just evil.
@@leanne123 I don’t hurt anyone by not telling them I have no real feelings.
@@WhoDoUthinkUryou do though..
@@WhoDoUthinkUrjust because you dont say it doesn’t mean they can’t feel it and that’s driving them crazy
Sam, thank you. This is the most moving true confession of a narcissist I have ever heard. And I cried for your losses and those of my ex partner and all of you. I knew all this at the end of our relationship, I had to believe that the change I was so much hoping for would never happen. One day, I will always remember, my ex partner, made me feel the emptiness, this is the closest we ever had been because she was nude in front of me; maybe, and only that time, I want to believe, she trusted me. The compassion and love I had for her was immense. I believed, like you Sam, love could be the cure & this why I stayed & prayed & hoped until I could no more, after 15 years I had to choose to honour my own life, or die. I have posted this video on my FB page and I concluded. To my ex: "God bless you, little sweet wonderful innocent child, you'll be always in my heart because I saw you and I've heard the echos of your voice". I hope she read it, even if it will not make a difference.
I cry for that little boy( in my ex) to this day because I saw him and love him.However there comes a time when you realize that no amount of love can save them and you leave. Tragic.
Yes tragic.
After over decades of dealing with Narcissists and suffering as s victim receiving their inner guilt, fear, and hatred, after watching hing this video, I feel like I have entered the heavens of understanding like never before. Rather than receiving suffering I feel I can be much more compassionate and gear my responses rather than getting caught in a pathological loop of involvement. Deepest gratitude to you for your clear conveyance of the struggle. ❤️🙏 I pray that your struggle will get easier.
I lived the took over of my false self without knowing what it was, i'm 30y/o now and listenning to your videos on youtube have helped me a lot to understand myself and my family , thanks for the informations and your work.
Prof. Sam you are really honest and kind I know this as a fact, how you describe and explain your narcissism, your history, and tell me who will say no to money and say sorry this is not the topic I give consultation for ,you did it, who can be that honest when talking about a war in his country, you did it, you are honest and kind Prof.sam. thanks for your efforts.
Thank you for sharing your painful and honest soul-searching dr. Vaknin, with your amazing eloquence!
Sam, I've watched hours and hours of your videos. You've helped me more than any other therapist. Your honesty has been refreshing and freeing. I never would have been able to understand Narcissism the way I do without your sincerity and candor. I've been diagnosed with DID and came from a very evil group of people. I could relate to much of your feelings of indifference and loss of feeling of identity; as well as I felt despair and hopelessness. This video you just made is heart wrenching. I say this out of agape' love. I struggled for years with despair. I know you're not a Christian so I will only write one exact quote. Jesus said that whomsoever falls on this stone shall be broken but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. It's excruciatingly painful to accept the reality of what we've really become but the only true path to knowing who we were meant to be. It's not about religion but relationship. The only real hope for any of us. I hope you will know peace that passes understanding.
Amen 🙏
tlThis was a painfully beautiful testimony Professor. Thank you.
It's like being outside of life looking in, and never living. BEING NOTHING WITHIN, despite when others reveal to you being something they consider good, it's utterly baffling what the hell they are seeing because its not what you know yourself to be...But the false self feels like a void to me rather than an identity, so I am always creating and recreating faces for each situation, none real, just mere reactions shrouding an empty void that makes suicide feel like a dream or way out...
I suppose that's something similar right? Always longing to never existing, but always knowing death may not bring solace, so never able to complete the task....This is hell , from what I hear you know this well...There is nothing within to love, no self, just endless void.
Wow- this massively shifted how I perceive the narcissists in my life. I’ve known it comes from trauma.. but none of them have told me about their trauma or made those links or explained how it felt to be them (or not-them).
The honesty and simplistic approach in this video has me in tears. I now understand. I look forward to being alone to see who I really am without direction or needing to please anyone else but me. It’s scary knowing you are married to someone that you do not trust and that you know wants to hurt you badly. And you know this will never ever change and will always end badly in order to end. This is the deepest collection of words and thoughts that I have ever heard in my life. ‘It’s not religious. It’s diabolical’ yes, I feel like the last 10 years have been a dream. I am awake now for about 2 years. He is shrinking and I am growing.
Incredible man..your honesty has let me understand the relationship I have just left after nearly losing myself trying to be a decent partner..I understand now in a bit more depth & forgive myself for being drawn in..
I believe that there is still someone there. Deep and well hidden, but still there and waiting.
Yes! I do feel that too.
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for sharing your story and helping us understand the false self. I used to have a covert narcissist in my life and during the discard phase I was developing myself a false self to cope with the abuse, so I can imagine how it is formed in the proto-narcissist child. Thank you for what you do. Your work and insights are brillant.
I felt just today I am doing the same just to cope with the pain and then I realized that is just a glimpse of what it must have been like for a child lacking language, maturity, and resources.
Big respect to you Professor Sam Vaknin, this broke my heart so much bravery right here. Much gratitude for this video and all your help you’ve given me throughout my journey.
Always grateful for you sir for helping us understand the narcissist's experience. I have progressively understood what I went through over the years from your candid exploration of the victim's and narcissist's experience of trauma
That's pure honesty ...
I appreciate and thank you, Professor Vaknin for sharing insights that took me 15 years to grasp.
I thought I was going crazy!
I have released him with love to a life that is meaningful to ONLY him and I am free 😢.
This is where religious people would cry the Holy Ghost in the presence of the void. That this person can be the void because he dwells in us and becomes our self, with intuition, love , peace , consciousness (based on love).
It is a surrender to the abyss. The truth will set you free.
For what it's worth, your testimony and eloquent descriptions (and "big ten dollar words") of both your life and narcissism--and related topics--have helped me tremendously through dealing with my own, my father's, and in becoming better equipped to listen, empathise, and understand some of my family's narcissistic tendencies.
It's been a long journey for me and still continues. I feel like I've gained my humanity back--although it tends to slip in and out of existence sometimes (through dissociation and fantasy which meditation has helped me continuously re-recognise).
Thanks for saving those of us who had more time to reverse the curse. 🙏
P.S. I've got to say, you do a really fantastic job of feeling like a human being to me. It feels nice. Hope this doesn't hurt to hear. (Or that this last expression of hope itself doesn't.)
All the best ❤
When you ask: "what would be left behind when the false self is gone?" The reverberations of pain and hurt that you describe can obviously not function as a healthy true self. Since it is nothing more then a disturbed unregulated mesh of negative emotions. But there is something there that unfortunately had to take on that form. If what is left truly wasn't of any importance, then what is the false self trying to protect? I'd like to believe that there must be something there to work with, to mould back into some form or shape, that might eventually be the beginning of a true voice. What if in the narcissist mind the conviction of emptiness and being nothing but the false self, is in fact part of the final defence line in an ultimate effort to deny the existance of what is left of what should have become..
That's what I'm wondering as well. For myself, I can still feel "a split," in my personality (& I know when it happened at age 11, because I actually felt/saw/heard the color & sound drain out of my inner perception/view of the world in an instant, like an old record winding down in a horror movie), maybe because the worst, most terrifying phase of my abuse started a bit later & I'd already started forming an identity, when the split finalized? (IDK, just speculating.) But at 54, I still feel there's an anxious, terrified child left to be salvaged. But that she's (I'm) sort of hibernating?
I still hear "my true voice," first every moment, but it's almost always cast aside, ridiculed, etc. by a Greek chorus of various "mean girl" inner voices that sabotage every positive idea, circumstance, & hope. What I perceive as my "real" voice is the one who is weak, scared, exhausted, easily overwhelmed... the one who was hurt & made myself lesser, till there was practically nothing left to harm. The false self? that tried to step forward & play the game, so to speak, was the brave one who remained hypervigilant to protect "the little one." The other voices collectively feel like the ones who try to step forward & portray what I am not. But it's like a cacophony of different voices, all arguing with each other, some feel protective, some feel like they just want to run the show. Meanwhile, the little me sleeps, covers her ears like a toddler, or goes dormant, kinda. It it feels like there's still a part of me who want to wake up, but the other voices don't allow it. I have one voice in my head who says things like, "Let that child sleep, if she wakes up... someday, she's gonna go "Carrie" on all ya'll!" 👀 It feels like all these voices have something to be gained by keeping me asleep, whether it's from their fear, protection, or perpetuating themselves. It's exhausting & confusing. For me, it's different in some ways than Sam describes, but also spot on, in other ways. I don't know if mine is coming from narcissism or something adjacent.
Thank you Sam for your videos. This one in particular is eerily familiar in a way. Forgive me if my terminology is not accurate. I'm still trying to piece things together, in every sense of the phrase.
@pugonato I saw a part of your reply in my notifications, but I can’t seem to find your entire reply, so I’m replying here. (I can’t see the part where you describe your ex.)
In answer to your question, I don’t know exactly why. I’m not sure whether I’m a narcissist, infected by my narcissist parents, or am suffering from that phenomenon where the more you read about something, the more you think it describes you.
I do know that as far back as I can recall, I spent every moment trying to figure out my mother & trying to change or repress whatever I could about myself that displeased her. And that even with time away & distance, my husband says I still change back into that other person, when I’m around her for holidays.
Also, I was raised in a very strict evangelical fundamentalist household. Every moment I wasn’t worried about “mother,” I was worried about “God.” I developed what I now have read was “scrupulosity,” which is a form of OCD where you’re fixated? on religion. As I child & young adult, I was hyper-focused on all my thoughts, words, & deeds, evaluating them to see if had committed any sin. (In fact, I remember during my prayers asking for forgiveness even for whatever I couldn’t remember that I might have done wrong, because I was afraid that even the thought that I hadn’t sinned that day, was in itself a sin.)
I was taught to be obedient & selfless, which turned out to be disastrous & set me up to be the perfect victim of my so called Christian father when he became sexually abusive.
Suffice it to say, between my mother, father, & God, someone was always going to be angry or disappointed in me, every day, including myself. It’s not a pleasant way to grow up. I don’t recommend it, lol.
As an adult, I’m sure you can tell I’m not very stable. When I look back, I can see things through multiple lenses, but the glass is fragmented & shattered, like looking through a kaleidoscope of the dammed. I look back with sadness, alarm, fear, rage, & sometimes humor, though I suspect that my odd sense of humor is a protective defensive mechanism. But above all, I have a fierce determination to not pass all my baggage down to my daughter. I want her legacy to be her own & not mine. I don’t know if it is possible, but I’m gonna try.
I don't understand the utility of using the word disregulated or unregulated. It seems to me that a 4-year old boy came up with a method for regulating himself when no one was "regulating" his alleged caregivers.
@@lavenderbluemama953 I think you're doing just fine navigating treacherous waters (demeaning parents, religion,etc.) as best you can against their destructive forces.
I give you a gold medal!!! ❤
@@EmbraceTerroryou’re correct - but it’s like trying to control the speed and direction of a car by looking at the reaction of your passenger.
Can someone drive a car that way? Well, kind of. If the passenger is attentive, they could avoid most collisions anyway!
But it would be avoiding catastrophe, not going where they wanted to go by intention.
Sometimes they don’t have a choice though, like in broken situations he’s describing.
It statistically doesn’t tend to produce great outcomes, compared to looking at the road, at least if one cares about car crashes, health and safety, either.
Notably, that is true for the driver and the passenger.
But, if one doesn’t know any better, it *seems* to work better for the passenger for awhile if you go off the passengers reactions.
After all, if you look at just the road and ignore the passenger, they’ll get scared sometimes, they’ll be bored often, etc.
The dysregulation is because that is a descriptive term of the actual state someone is in with NPD. Their body is constantly ‘swerving’ all over the place because it refuses to actually look at the ‘road’, because at an early age it was taught that was impossible/bad.
This is the most profound video ive ever heard . Thank you Sam . Its the cherry on top of the cake for me . I can never go back into my mothers fantasy world ever or be gaslit ! I feel its time . IM taking back my POWER !!
Thank you Sam for sharing! I have learned so much from you. Understanding the relationship with my wife after 15 yrs has been devastating. When the reality of literally seeing and hearing my wife melt down after providing evidence to an reoccurring hidden situation has been disheartening. The denial is like nothing I have ever seen. Her face and voice changed and she turned everything back on me and told me I need help. When she tells me she doesn't remember doing those things I have caught her doing, I actually believe she doesn't. I don't know if I truly would have ever understood this personality disorder without your videos. This challenge my wife has, has changed me. I think my wife and I are examples of your covert narcissist wife and covert borderline video. God help my boys, I am trying to curtail the damage but I can only do so much. Thanks again Sam! God Speed!
Thank you for sharing your life and feelings as a narcissist. So sorry your start in life corrupted and enslaved you to a false self. I have been watching your videos for a couple years now and you always provide the best explanations. Just doing this is of great benefit and service to others, and I for one am very grateful to you for your time in creating them. Obviously none of what happened in your childhood was ever your fault. You may feel like your false self has taken over completely, but I feel another vibration when watching you so I don't believe you are an empty shell. I'm sure you're tired, but you should be proud of your own self-awareness and willingness to educate others. Thank you so much and keep on loving ❤❤❤
Professor Vaknin: I disagree with you in part, where you said you wondered what you would have achieved if not for the misfortune of being forced into to becoming a narcissist as a young child. As you have achieved a handful of stunning educational and scientific degrees you have far far surpassed what many with your IQ enjoy.
Adore you as a friend only! I am sure I am not the only one who thinks and feels this. You are relieving suffering! I have gained enormously beneficial knowledge to recover from narcissistic abuse (that I had a few instinctive defenses against but was still being driven slightly crazy…nearly(!) and I look forward to plowing through more of your content to heal from a short lived marriage to a narcissist.
One last comment: I especially enjoyed the video recorded around the covid days of you discussing your training as a physicist and your theory on Time being a real and measurable aspect of spacetime, if that is the correct word to use. Amazing human!
This is amazing insight, thank you for sharing your false self with us to help us understand it better. Appreciate your work very much.
Really appreciate your openness in this video. We all love you and your work sir ❤
Thank you for sharing your fulfillment by oneself of the possibilities of one's character or personality. Well spoken and once again, thank you.
Much respect to you mr Sam Vaknin .I appreciate all your work and honesty .It Has Truly helped my understanding of life beyond words . Thank you again.
No words. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for sharing. Much love to you.
Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you're here with us you have helped me in ways I can't begin to explain we're all just people there's no one perfect we all suffer from something I think you're amazing keep doing the good work❤
I Love you Sam Vaknin! Thank you for sharing your story and for your consistent videos which have brought me healing ❤
You are making me cry too Sam. You are a good man. Thanks for all you do.
This was profound. Thank you so much. I always knew there was pain within, but didn't imagine the depth of it. You are giving a big contribution to the world 😢❤
Thank you for sharing this from such an earnest and self-aware place. This video is the first of yours that I have seen and, even while strengthening my empathy, it reassured me of my intent to remain no-contact with someone similar who was in my life until recently, but who lacks your self-awareness and is incapable of taking accountability. I feel for both of you because I know the internal condition you speak of, but experience it differently myself in that I never completely lost touch with my core essence in the way you describe. You are doing a great service by sharing as you did here and I pray that you rediscover your true self in the process of continuing to carry out that service. Be well, Sam. 🙏🏻
Thank you so much Sam. From within your own experienced painful darkness. You are a bright light for others. 🙏🏼❤️
Thank You for the depth of this content....
It explains so much.
Thank you so much for sharing Sam. Most of us live their lives in absence, because life is too bold and unfair to cope with. This is life itself, still to realise this, how painful, startling and crazy, makes us complete, the parts we deny and cover are symmetric to who we supposed to be.. 🎭💙
This was amazing , thank you Mr. Vaknin❤ Bless you for helping us understand!! I don't know what I would do without you !
Thank you, Professor Vaknin, for your honesty and openness, for so freely giving us the map.
We owe our acquaintances, friends, families our true selves, to avoid the traps set by the false self, to be humble and happy with who we really are, so that we can live and love fully with no fear.
Sam. Very brave of you to open up to us. I'm sure whatever all our dealings with narcicists have been, how horrific, can love you for your honesty which has helped us. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this, it helps to understand a bit more my close relative who has similar childhood experience. It is clear she can't behave in different way, thanks to you. I admire your intelligence and eloquence, wish you all the best
Mr Vaknin, You have my deepest respect for this...and my deepest compassion.
Great post Professor , all your work is very helpful and important thank you again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and giving us access into your being.
You are a voice for all the narcissists in my life and for my own responsibilities in maintaining relationships with those that I love. With the larger scale Israel Palestine black hole vacuum that has such a hold on me, I am satisfied with this explanation somehow giving me clarity on where I can rest in perspective, for a least a minute or two.
You are a gift, thank you for having such a conscience, it matters.
This is one of the most touching videos. Thank you for your honesty, for your openness and for sharing your inner battle with us. We care about you and we are here for you.
And Professor is here for us. I am so grateful for Professor Vaknin.