Narcissist Sees YOU as TWO WOMEN: Reframing Mortifications, Exiting Shared Fantasy
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- Narcissist regards your love as a weakness, a vulnerability he can exploit and leverage to obtain supply, sex, and services and, if he is a sadist, to hurt you.
Women escalate and fail to get a rise out of him: he doesn’t mind or care.
The narcissist grieves the shared fantasy not you: his sunk cost (investment) and the inconvenience of having to start all over again. His mourning is aggressive and closer to fury that to pain and sadness.
Women are the only ones who can mortify the narcissist because he reframes their cheating and betrayal as total rejection of his entire being in every possible role (man, lover, companion, guru, husband, father, even provider). Men reject only specific functions and roles that the narcissist fails in (business partner, collaborator, friend).
RELATIONSHIP CYCLE
Grooming and love bombing (including false promises)
Shared fantasy leads to narcissistic abuse type 1, intended to test the parental capacity of the partner and reenact early childhood conflicts with the narcissist's parents
Women cheat or betray discreetly, withdraw leads to narcissist stalks
OR
Women bargain and demand leads to narcissistic abuse type 2 (aimed at jettisoning the partner)
Women cheat ostentatiously, abandon
The narcissist reframes from internal to external mortification and back (vacillating mortification). Reason for vacillation: shared fantasy is ego syntonic and he feels wronged while the bargaining phase is ego dystonic and he feel that he is in the wrong.
The narcissist vacillates between an internal cognitive mortification (I am bad, evil, and rejecting) and an external emotional one (I experience my partner or others as bad, evil, and rejecting).
There is a kernel of truth in both mortifications.
In reality, women do reject, humiliate, and abandon the narcissist as a way to exit the shared fantasy or end the bargaining. It renders the external mortification plausible. But the truth is that women misbehave this way reactively, after he had rejected and abused them egregiously.
Following his abuse and rejection during the shared fantasy, the narcissist stalks women. During the bargaining phase he continues to abuse them in order to push them to cheat on him or betray him ostentatiously and thus dump him. This allows him to: (shared fantasy) 1. Reenact the early conflict with my mother; 2. Help him revert to external mortification by rendering it somewhat more grounded in reality; (bargaining) 3. Get rid of his partner.
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I have been married to a covert narcissist for over 30 years, I just learned about narcissism and feel that I do not want to be with him anymore. He was never aggressive or argumentative but he managed to ruin my life. He was a cheater, he even discarded me for another woman, we separated for about 6 years and got back together, I understand now that I am sick too because otherwise I would have never allowed it. I look back and see how he always devalued me even if it was subtle. I am intelligent, hard working, good homemaker, attractive, a decent woman that NEVER cheated, even if it is hard to believe, but still he did not appreciate any of that because of his issues, it seems that the more i loved and cared for him, the more he cheated and he devalued me just like Sam says. I feel like I wasted my whole life on this scumbag, but I will try to somehow heal and move on from this experience. I do not care how old I am, I do not want to invest more time in this so-called relationship.
I just divorced my husband after 32 years of marriage. I can tell you that we are/were just as sick as they are because we become what we had to become to survive the abuse. My husband became extremely more abusive after the divorce-He was the victim but, then blamed himself-the emotional and physical abuse went off the charts. You need a solid foundation of support. I have lost everything, however.... the silent treatment and emotional abuse was torturous and eventually went through my own feelings of insanity but, I knew why I was losing grasp on reality. The internal and external mortification that Sam is describing is currently being played out in my life as I write this. You ate not alone.
had the same issue he cheated for 8 years and i had to finally leave after he gave me a diesase. im 25 you are not alone.
You are not alone I’m just now finding out who I was truly with. God bless you
Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it!
Maya Angelou! ❤
That simple phrase helped me understand that I am a good person who was targeted by a Predator with whom I was completely unaware of!
If I knew that he was a Vampire and Energy Thief you know Parasite, I would’ve avoided it. I didn’t know so he Fooled me with Fake News and False promises. Lied his ass of about every sense of his being not realizing that, I let him in.
He abused that Privilege so I decided to Discard him. When I Blocked him I felt lighter like a huge weight lifted. That’s when I realized that he is a Demon with Demonic Energy. Vampire tendencies Energy Sucking Parasite with no ability to offer anything but Destruction!
This realization helped me Stay No Contact and move on. I’m grateful for it heightened my awareness to the Predators and Vampires walking around looking for women like us.
Loving and Caring! Fuck them!
Good luck for you 🌺 The best is yet to come 🙏
Excellent CONTENT! Amazingly spot on - I suffered under a sadistic narcissist for 33 yrs pretending to care about me - he destroyed me and I have struggled to recover and find my way back to life- if it wasn’t for ur honest approach and candid videos that tell the unvarnished truth I don’t know if I would have got better- I realized I was not alone and that the monster that almost made me want to stop living was a parasite that was unable to change and would have destroyed anyone they trapped and it wasn’t my fault - I just lacked the knowledge that ur videos give - thank u Sam in all honesty I think u helped save me and made me see my life could b good away from the psychopath that was in my life. The truth shall set u free - no truer words have been spoken
Happy, for you, jackie! Many blessings ahead wished for you!
Wish you happy life ahead sister!
Wow that was great so much knowledge I’m getting from you.
There are many good ones out there keep up the self help I wish you healing
@@bkpsly1 thanks - a lot of therapy/ reading & meditation has brought me back to life - I really thought the pain of the final discard ( cuz they always perform many small discards before the big final 1 ) was gonna break me and I would never recover / finding out it was all a lie because to Narcissist it’s all a game - put me in a state I don’t ever want to experience ever again ! I kno I won’t because I now realize it can happen to anyone / the trick is to build ur self esteem and stop the relationship at the 1 st red flag 🚩 don’t let the flags add up! And never let anyone- anyone ever put u down or make u feel bad about urself / run get out the price is to high/ thanks for the comment yrs ago I couldn’t dream of thanking u but today I am my own best friend I find happiness comes from running my own life and having gratitude 🙏 thank u - I wish u all the luck 🍀
I went back and read our old conversations in the beginning of our relationship and he straight up admitted that he was good a manipulation. They tell you everything ladies!
WOW! I did the same and it’s CRAZY!
Him: Are you sure you want to do this?"
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Cuz I'm a Man/boy who sees love thru an 8 yr old's eyes".
I did that too!
Yes, they say things and we are so engaged on the lovebombing ...
They indeed do! The narc I met once said I was his prey and that he would get me. Disturbing.
Yep! My ex narc fiancée told me from the start “I have a dark side”. I thought he was making a joke! Who would say that after all?? It wasn’t a joke!
I did cheat on my narcissist once after he withdrew from me emotionally and began the discard phase. You could tell he liked this bc it allowed him to discard me while posturing as victim. Exactly as you said in your videos
Same happened to me!!
Being ignored was the absolute worst. Even more worse, was my psychologist getting upset with me and how I was acting. She kept telling me that she thought he loved me! I felt so guilty, I felt like I was the problem. It was a horrible learning experience and it happened in cycles for three years. It was a mental mind f#$%. The only person I let convince me that I was not the problem and that what he was doing was cruel, was my ex husband because he had actually been in relationship with me. My ex helped me cut away whatever excuse or fantasy I was creating to explain the man's behavior. He showed me how I was being made to feel guilty. Thank you God for showing me a way out.
And, I always thought he was ignoring me to hurt me or punish me..... then, I found out that he probably just "put me on a shelf" somewhere and forgot about me while he went to play somewhere else.
Aw thanks God for nice ex's who actually know you and Aren't Narcs😖
@@shanzimmermanMy wife did the same and went to play somewhere else. Then when I did cheat, she took the high road and lied to everyone about what happened.
In my case, it was our grown up children who helped me to get out. I actually tried to forgive him for his months-long affair believing he stopped it only to find out his lying got even more intense. 30 plus years together and finding out it was all pretend from the beginning is difficult to get over.
Never in my life have I felt so replaceable as I did in my relationship with my ex narc. The funny thing was I told her exactly that and she replied "If you don't fulfill my needs, why would you not be replaceable?"
When I said you didn't fulfill any of my needs. How do I not make you feel the same?
She just walked away!
Narcs cannot look in the mirror and see themselves and yet my narc always told me she loves feedback.
Thank you for communicating clearly the danger level of narcissist. Stay away from them.
There will always be something the partner does wrong as she is human. She doesn't have to do something major. The narcissist can and will use anything he sees fit against her when it's time to abuse/ reject/ discard her. He looks for it, attributes, wrong motives. He has an arsenal. It's easy because she's human!
Yes, the narcissist will get angry at their partner for having normal emotions, reactions, and questions. The narcissist will also make their partner the scapegoat for many perceived narcissistic injuries that don't come from or even involve the partner. So they will direct their rage at their partner for even slight external inconveniences. Thus, there is no perfect way to act or behave to keep a narcissist happy or keep the relationship.
I was the woman in the bargaining phase. I told him in the end that I wasnt happy anymore and that there had to be someone out there who appreciates the fact that i exist. He asked to remain friends with benefits and I said no because i want to date other men and have a committed lasting relationship. He had already started another relationship before we ended ours, i found out after the break up. That was 7 months ago and never heard from him again. Such a strange experience
That explains the night before I broke up with the narcissist I threw up all night long. My body said 'that is enough" and I was disgusted with him. That was the perfect word.,
Brilliant breakdown of the stages presented here, Professor Vaknin, of the “Reframing Mortifications, Exiting Shared Fantasy”! I did walk away but it took me 3 months. All I could think of was how cunning and egregious his behavior was. It was by far the bravest thing I’ve ever done in my life in order to start a new life. Their is no other alternative but to walk away.
Facts ❤
@Mousey Mousey
Thank you so much!
This doctor is so brilliant. He breaks it down and has so much information that other people on you tube haven't even touched! Thank God for this information. Now I finally have answers to what I went through. I am not crazy----what I went through for two years with a Narc was crazy and abusive!
I did the same. Well done.
For me I didn’t cheat. He said I jumped the gun by confronting him about his cheating because he was gonna tell me lol. And that is the final straw for him. Not the fact that I found out that he was living a double life and that’s what upset me. Now he’s insisting that I treated him terrible the whole time and the whole marriage was dead on arrival and I was never a safe place for him. I was mortified. He stonewalled me for a month and then said I want a divorce.
A good but sad listen. Prayers for All including both victims and abusers. Stop the cycle. Heal yourselves. Wish we as children then young people were more educated on relationships. The advent of social media seems to imo increased narcissim. As well as depression. Prayers for all. Do positive.
He would always say "we've been together too long to not work this out." I bought into that for years. Then I realized I'd been in that too long to continue to waste my life anymore. I felt like I grieved for the lost time and effort and giving of myself--too much to continue to do it another day. It WAS an addiction. One I had to humble myself and enlist family and friends to help me stay away from.
Now I realize he'd spent too much time investing in our inherently unequal relationship--devoid of respect for me--to want to start over. He grieved all right--his loss of control and his being without someone to abuse. I'll but that caused him severe distress--
seriously!
I used to have a compulsion to get him to understand what was going on. But he didn't have an interest in doing so--and wouldn't have cared if he ever "got it."
That makes it easier to completely detach permanently, and stop caring entirely about him or his POV.
Narcissists are a constant , contradictory paradoxe
Your love is your weakness only if you are not paying attention and have not gathered relevant information, i.e., educated yourself on the subject of narcissism, and have not taken the steps to keep from repeating old patterns. Do the work even though, it will almost certainly be uncomfortable..... 🌀❤️🌀
AD BC given narcissists never learn -and I say this from experience and another of vaknin’s videos- how ever can anyone prevent repeating patterns? Are you sure you’re referring to a relationship with an NPD sufferer?
kitty spathia You change your “old patterns” ... the other person’s patterns are theirs to deal with....
Pete ....asking myself whether being around the narc is the ultimate challenge to self love: if I can manage to maintain my confidence and dignity even with the cognitive dissonance and grevious assaults he brings, then I’ll be super strong! It’s not healthy, but there is a weird reasoning even behind this option. I already walked away 2 years ago but he keeps popping into my life so I have to either harden myself up or ..sink!
Your love remains your weakness, even after you educate yourself, unless you make the choice to stop loving altogether.
So does experience with a life full of narcisstic ... no one has never explained so clearly how to defend against these predators... until Now!
I met who I thought was a very nice guy! We developed a friendship and eventually became a mutual intimate relationship! It became very distant after about 6months for no reason that was apparent to me! My friend mentioned the term Narcissist. I started watching your videos It became very clear to me that he is a Narcissist because he exhibited every behavior that you described and in each Stage. I m grateful it never reached any real injury to me because I decided to Leave due to poor communication, ghosting and lack of care! Then Blocked him. I’m extremely grateful for you and your insight. Your way of providing information is very valuable! I’m more interested in learning everything there is to know! People who focus on your physical appearance are not necessarily interested in the information! I would ignore that type of ignorance and lack of understanding at the matter at hand. Again thank you.
Know that I know who he really is, there’s no need to entertain anything remotely connected to him. However, I enjoyed the Fantasy and Love Bombing episodes and gifts.. Because I was able to leave, I won! I beat the Vampire/Energy thief at his own Pathetic game! Predatory Parasite 😂
Thank you. This absolutely stung a lot. But I definitely needed to hear it. It’s funny you say they don’t deserve our respect because they seem to be the first to demand it from everyone. Ironic indeed.
Thank you so much for your insightful dialogue. It has been almost twenty years since my divorce from the Narcissistic psychopath I was married to for five very long and abusive years. Many years have past and my son said, “mom, why can’t you move on?...everyone else has, dad got away with whatever he did to you and it was a really long time ago... he has moved on with his new family.” Until I discovered you on U-Tube I had no idea why I have been so frozen in my own world. You described everything and every stage that I suffered through with him. I understand clearly now, because of your dialogues what actually happened in our relationship. I feel stronger now but still am fragile. I did the right thing by walking away at least that part of me had the strength to pull me out.
I don’t really care about what shirt you are wearing or it’s color...and Mini is a hoot! Thank you!
u could not do anything to make things better...he could not do better either....accept it.....it is illiness
The only thing they miss is your support of them and the worry that others my find out who they really are. Angry or upset that they have to start over is right and are only worried how it affects them! - this is spot on!
Loveless sex is soul destroying and feels like violation. Does the narcissist really mistake sex for love? Are they capable of knowing the difference?
They understand love as abuse. They don't love. They abuse and call it Love. So, yes there is a difference. They don't love. They have sex and feel pain, only.
When the video began in a different language I thought, "Oh no! Please have an English version of this one!" Hahaha - Good one!
He got me too. Funny guy after all huh? I like listening to his teachings. While they are very hard realities to take. I'm trying to listen enough cause I'm still having a hard time believing any of this is real. I'm not sure what the denial is helping. I think it's me. I can't handle a lot of what I understand, all I don't want to understand and understand...... Truth is, I am sad. Sad because as Sam says we or I never existed. I know that. I wanted to. I know I never did. I am so sad. There is nothing to grieve. I wasn't special. In fact I was told that in so many words. Jarbbly as the statement was. I am so sad. Sad for me. Sad for what I thought was. Sad for all I took. All I took. Sad for all that I took and now it's like it never happened and to have him try and have me take his role as well. What? I am so sad. And that I am sad, and that it matters nothing. Nothing along side where were the happy anything's ..... I am sad.
But Sam has jokes, thank you for making me laugh. I'm glad I still can laugh. I was a little worried. Anyone else feel a profound sadness?
@@foxi3995 Thank you for clearing that up! I am happy that I was able to understand the rest of the video. :)
@@forgetit7632 I think you might be experiencing this from the abuser's eyes still(?) I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt anymore by a robot. His thoughts or (lack of) feeling for me is no longer my problem. But I was profoundly sad for a long time before I intellectually"got it." Now he does not factor in to my thoughts or feelings. My grief is not over him--but over my incorrect belief that I had something intimate, when I never did...
Yes, always point out the narcissists, whoever they are! People need to be aware of who they're dealing with ESPECIALLY when it comes to narcissism!
Sam thank you so much for this content. It has helped me understand my pain and confusion and my death of my soul in a relationship of 10 years. I am just now being able to lift myself out because of the content in your videos. You have allowed me to label and understand everything I was experiencing when no one around me could help me. You have saved my life I can’t thank you enough
As a narcissist this is my therapy.
As a narcissist/ ur words - u belong in therapy cuz reading about the damage ppl like u cause is NOT therapy for a narcissist- it’s cat nip - a way to get off on the pain & misery damage
Yes! They are snakes!
…and now that you have discovered the new found knowledge about YOURSELF, what are your intentions, son? Do tell.
I’m 4 days from my 2 year anniversary of being left in a ditch on the side of the highway. I was left naked and perceived to be dead. My narcissist is more than grandiose, he’s deadly. And yet he walks among us today, totally free.
“To die is easy, peaceful. To live is hard.” And indeed it is.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope the narc is not currently in your life. Blessings and prayers of protection for you. 🙏🏽✝️❤💪🏽
I'm being mistreated now (mostly neglected) so I'll leave the relationship. This was really helpful to see the relationship via your explanation. Thank you.
I appreciate your erudite information, Professor Vaknin.I am dealing with a boyfriend who has a severe case of NPD, and your videos have been a manual for me, and have helped me immensely, as narcissists can be extremely CRAZY-MAKING.I wouldn't worry too much about not being a "celebrity".To certain individuals,(myself included), you are more than a mere celebrity;you are the unparalleled leader in the study of narcissism, and a guide in helping victims to comprehend and process their sometimes traumatic experiences with narcissists, which is an invaluable contribution to individuals, and to society as a whole.I am definitely a FAN, and I appreciate everything that you're doing.
Thank you for this video. This one really resonated with me and guided me into the new reality of my ex fiancé’s public ecposure. I’ve watched so much of your content trying to navigate through the dumpster fire to which my two little girls and I have been subjected. The grandiose narssist (very likely comorbid bipolar+) in my life took all of my money, my health, all of my attention (at the expense of all other relationships including my small children), abusused all of us emotionally and physically, and now is trying to take my home. I’m fighting back to expose him in a within our community, public courtroom, and taking actions against his company. He really deserves no mercy, which feels SO foreign to me. I wish someone locally in California like you could coach me before going to court. These narcissist assholes have ruined too many lives and I feel that is beyond time for judicial system to require psychological evaluations when these cluster B personality disorders are glaringly and obviously present in the case. #theempathlifeisexhausting #narcsbedamned #byefelicia
Yes ..... Alert to All Narcissist .....No Respect for them .... and NEVER play by the rules and shame them in public. It works ....join together people, it's beyond time ..... No Quarter.
This was pivotal
right on!!
8:26 exactly, he mourns the end of the shared phantasy. Back then I just couldn't understand why he was sad or even cried, yet continued to throw me away as trash and marry someone he picked out for a fixed marriage... He said so many years and we are not together, and I cannot tell anyone about you blahblah... I was so confused, I thought hey, this is weird, he can't be sad, because if he were he would not interchange me so quickly. But now I understand because of the info you provide what all of that meant...
And yes, I told him you are angry although he denied it all the time... But that's how it felt for me. I recognize again so much!!!
Thank you for sharing. We lived in the same world! NOT fun!
I didn't cheat but I did lie and withdraw. Yes, it was a reaction to his abuse.
I cheated. I needed affection outside the relationship and took care of it myself.
@@deborahwarner7524 I appreciate your honesty.
I think Sam is being "shady" here because there is a tendency for his audience to paint themselves as "good" and "innocent". He's questioning that and pointing out that it may be false.
I too felt my former relationship was "cold". I needed carino (Spanish for affection) and sex. I believe I became a mother to him. That's why the video You His Mommy/He Your Daddy resonated because it was so spot on.
Veronica Vega every time we went to therapy they said it was a mother child relationship. No doubt. Maybe because I was a victim of parentification.
I think he's generalizing cheating. It's more than cheating in intimate relationships. Generalization seems to be a narc trait. Can be tricky to follow, especially if you're someone who's easily triggered.
I lied to avoid the raging
You are right on....7 years and going back and forth many times...everything you are saying is right on...during this 7 years...i was able to listen and observe him the last 2 years without being "in love" bc that went away after all the insane behaviors....which again text book narcissist behaviors...until you are with a narcissistic, It is almost impossible to understand the repercussions that follow....leaving them is the only way to get peace and harmony back into your life
...i was older when I met and married this man...he was still able to obliterate and discombobulate my life....had I been a young women like his ex wife who was married to him for 28 years and finally got away from him and married his "best friend"....everything and I mean everything that this man is informing you about narcissist, their behaviors...most importantly (they do not regard you as a human being but only an object to satisfy their needs is true)...it is hard to comprehend and digest all of these "foreign actions" when you are able to truly love, feel and bond to another person....get away from them and give yourself a chance to let the tension melt away so you can clearly sort out all the insanity that they tried to convince you that was all you and not them...it is just a shame and it all sucks...
I really can't believe that I went through all this😓
The domestic abuse framework is preferable. The problem is not that the narcissistic abuser is a narcissist, it is that he is an abuser. When you realize that yours is a narcissistic, leave, leave safely and as quickly as possible.
A narcissist cant see himself in the mirror if he jumps straight from one relationship to another.
Professor Sam Vaknin, thank you so much for sharing your important knowledge and scientific evidence about narcissistic personality disorder (and other co-occurring personality disorders) and explaining what is behind their harmful behavior etc.. Your amazing knowledge helps SO many victims to escape and avoid living a nightmare for years and even decades with a narcissistic partner, parents, siblings etc. I wish I had this knowledge years ago but now I can finally put a label on this harmful and destructive behavior ❤️🙏❤️
Hi i am from jamaica you are the only person who realy help me to understand what a narcissist is all about thank u now i know I'm not crazy
Thank You So Much for Calling the 'Snakes' out❤
I left (among many attempted leavings and going backs). I never cheated but he accused me of such, because it’s easier for him to paint me as this evil woman because I exited the shared fantasy knowing it was exactly as you put it, not real. A theatre production.
Completely agree. I've been in a state of trying to leave my ex narc/psychopath for nearly a year. Have left multiple times, this time for good. Each time I was met with false remorse, a new love bombing stage (much shorter than in the beginning), triangulation etc. He would have a new sob story, a new health issue every time I cut contact.
This time, knowing nothing else was going to get him out of my hair, I pursued formal channels (police, work investigation, peace bond etc). That helped to keep the contact going through third parties instead of me having to have contact with him.
Sam says as a partner of a narcissist or psychopath you feel invisible, insignificant, unseen. That is very true. The real irony is, however, that when I left, that completely switched and now that I want to be unseen, insignificant, invisible to him, now I have to take such drastic measures to achieve that 🤦♀️
The last few minutes…😳. What’s amazing is that essentially a playbook exists for these beings. You know the story now. The end. Where you are. The beginning. Why do we still think we can crack the code and our loving kind present partner we hope for will appear is beyond. Proceed at your own peril. It’s so true we have Stockholm syndrome and are in love with our kidnapper.
I am blown away there are people who are like this 😢
We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe. -Elie Wiesel Holocaust survivor
Sam couldn’t be doing the human race more of a service by calling out narcissists. It seems we are so worried about being politically correct or enabling poor behavior, we even glamorize and encourage it. It needs to stop. Narcissism is a post traumatic response to abuse/neglect in childhood and narcissism is on the rise, yet we don’t address the problem where it starts within the infant/primary caregiver attachment.
"Raising secure, emotionally competent, cooperative children who have free access to their creativity and expression is desperately needed for the health of the human race and the health of the planet. Raising secure children matters."
- excerpt from The Attachment Connection by Ruth Newton, Ph.D
I agree. It’s time to stand up and fight back.
@@caseymaree4370 it’s seriously time for society to look at itself and the darkness that is moving in and stand up for empathy, authenticity, and connection. If we don’t, creating resilient empathic children will be like sending lambs into the lion’s den, if narcissistic and sociopathic qualities begin to dominate the human race.
It matters most 🌺
Sam, your content has helped me more than any. And I’ve seen a lot of content on narcissism. Love that you cite studies constantly. Thank you for spreading the plain facts about this subject.
No one knows better then you Professor about the incideous condition that is like a cancer on our global society. As you are an NPD but have atoned your sins, you deserve respect and recognition. You have taught us about the pathology of this personality set and how it effects us all. I am still trying to break the trauma bond even after being away from the narc for some time. I think I would rather be recovering from a dread disease. Thank you for your work.
This content is a breath of fresh air.! Reliable material I have been unable to access in my desperation . Understanding why a
30 yr marriage ended last year, and why the perfect gentleman mask went back on, complete with promises .
Too exhausted to deal with this man, but the smear Attempts with children, and inlaws were his kiss of death. My mental state hanging by a thread after decades of mental abuse . Oblivious to this condition until I found these videos. Your expertise, and explanation sheds light on my condition. As I continue sifting through your invaluable work, I take this time to give you the gratitude, and recognition you deserve.
Thanking you for creating a legitimate resource that addresses the narcissist disorder itself, vs the strategic vengeance videos I've been enjoying with guilty pleasure. Navigating life with this personality is not child's play. Now I'm beginning to see clearly why I have seen little progress in my mental and emotional stability.
Thank you again
I am not looking for confirmation, but understanding. And I thank you for taking the time to provide such a variety of topics. You are also entertaining to listen to (animated and a relatable storyteller) and people are probably trying to build a rapport with you. Thanks for being you.
My ex did not grieve the loss of the relatonship he told me he had wasted precious time with me. No contact now and indifferent. Learnt much from Prof. Vaknin. Fascinating.
Thank you Sam Vaknin... your work is finally opening my eyes to who I have been and will probably continue to be. But now I can't blame anyone else, anymore...
My deepest gratitude to you and to modern technology 🙏
Just always remember the bad outweighs the good being with a narcissist if there's any good in it it's in it for him to keep you hanging on . Don't let that fool you. Know the difference between Good and Evil.
To keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the true definition of insanity. I think I should have this one here committed to the local mental health hospital. In the extended stay policy.
You are the most knowledgeable person on the subject that I have ever listen to it that’s why I have to listen to you every day
I thank you so much for your insightful und knowledgeable explanations of the deepest inner core of a narcissist. I Wish I would have known all that 1.5 years ago - then I would not have felt the need of bargaining wich I did. But one year and three months ago I legt him anyway, because I could neither stand his lies, His tepeated "silent treatments", His accuses Nor His voice, his behaviour and his sight in generell one day longer than those eight years that I already lost in him (I was 68 then and he was 64). Thanks again for enlighten me for my future
Sam Vaknin, you have captured my attention. I have a clear understanding of what I had assumed over time but did not want to accept. You’re spot on.
Funny thing.. for one day only, after my breakup with “boyfriend” of 8 years, I joined one of the CZcams groups that you frequently refer to as incompetent. Then laughed aloud at the irony when a women on the narcissistic abuse support group gleefully announced in print
“ I support Trump”!
Immediately I opted out! Ha!
Now something for you... I admire your knowledge, enjoy your humor, and yes, your nose is okay too.
Thank you~
I have a nose for such things samvak.tripod.com/faq19.html#trump
I had to tell my narcissist off and be the bad guy. It hurt me so bad. It's not in my nature. I loved him, 😢 but i knew if I didn't be the "narcissistic abuser" he was trying to make me out to be to his flying monkeys he was going to continue abusing me until i conformed. I had to play the role so he would let me go. It's good that he is gone, but it still hurts that i was set up. I gave him what he wanted so I could get away. Of course, he called me a narcissist and blocked me (what he was trying to do.) It gave me the opportunity to block him and all his flying monkeys so i could heal before anything else happened. It has been 2 months, and it still hurts like hell.
When I got involved with this person, just a friend, I never validated him I never told him how awesome he was or complimented him on what he believed to be great about himself. So of course he thinks there’s something with me lol. When I see him he reminds me of my inability to recognize his greatness. Lol I just smile and say “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” When you’re somewhat educated in these matters, you can see it more clearly and stay detached....😆I digress
why r u witholding to make someone feel special...if u see that they have good quality?
@@evka24 I don’t want to make him feel special. If I do he will abuse me because he is a narcissist. He is very smart, good looking and all that. He is interesting and I’d like to be his friend but nothing more. But that may be naive of me.
@@jude7168 i see ur point....but from my experience dont waste ur time on someone that wont be there for u....find real friends
@@evka24 true❤️
They expect compliments and constant admiration, it’s what they are used to it’s what they want and need. It’s the only thing they want and need. I’m surprised he still interacts with you he must think at some point he might be able to get these things from you.
Wow, so true. I am in the midst of the break up and mortifying him. It is so hard, I just want out of this nightmare and he keeps telling me that I don’t get to make the decision to break up this relationship. I am moving out soon and every time I pack something he goes into a full blown rage.
I do enjoy your opinions
Sam...I'm currently keeping company with a suspect Narcissist.
I'm in a mature age group and I'm actually
feeling physically sick
after being in his company.
Have not been intimate with him as yet....he never makes a move towards sex.
He acted alot more interested in me when i mentioned I'm about to enter into a relationship.
But still no attempt at
sexual intimacy.
This is the strangest
situation I've ever been in with a male.
Listen to your inner voice!
Run....🏃♀️!!!
I'm just out of a similar situation. Get out NOW before he drains you of your precious energy and you begin to doubt your senses. He will not change, he does not care for you. In my case I've gone through the whole scenario described by Professor Vaknin in a very condensed timeliness. I.e. short term friendship, no sex, just travelling partners. I am now trying to retrieve financial and material possessions. It has been incredible.
Everytime when I miss the good moments with him and him I watch your videos and then I know again (!) that he is ill - deep inside he is really ill - or how you say: There is nobody home!
Also Thank you for being so informative and to offer so much insight...its been so difficult to have fallen victim to someone with such distorted processes ..its sad and scary to watch and to be discarded like you meant nothing AS IF YOU NEVER LIVED ...NEVER LOVED OR GAVE ALL I COULD ....SET BOUNDRIES AND THINGS GOT VERY DISTRUCTIVE ... MY THOUGHTS WERE RIGHT ABOUT HIS LACK OF REMORSE OR GENUINE MEANING IN HIS WAYS .... THANK YOU.. I BELIEVE HE HAS BEEN ON
THE BORDER OF THE PHYCOPATHY ... HE KEPT SO MANY SECRETS...
That’s so real and the worst is getting in a relationship with BARC family not only NARC partner but BARC family ; supporting each other as a strong commitment not to have anyone of them to be down even if he or she did something wrong ; simply because they are GOD ; they don’t do anything wrong ✌️
That is right. If you dont play by their rules you actually get to see the real person they are. You must ROCK their boat then you get to see.
Thank you for your excellence. There is no one that explain this matter more accurately then you do.
interesting! they are like parrots and sex is just weird, very mechanical, never experienced that before...6 months of my life (1st 3 mos love bombing), glad it was only 6 months, wow!!
Sounds like me I'm a year and a half in. I'm currently on no contact with him I'm planning on changing my locks because he does have a key scary right. 😅 The sex is weird he only like 1 or 2 positions it's crazy. I have a exit strategy when my lease is up I'm moving without him knowing. He's so predictable that I can start to piss him off so that he will run off for about 2 weeks as he always do with whoever else he is getting his supply from and that's when I'll make my great escape to move and also change my number
I think it's covert homosexuality stressing them out.
I want to say something but I don't know where to start from and what to say ... You give me strength to close this small hole (a year ago was taking the place of my half head ...) and move on. I admire your sincerity.
This video is by far (so far) the best I have watched. Thank you so very much 🙏
Eleni, Athens, Greece
I just found you and I can't wait to watch the rest of your content!! My husband is a narcissist and we have been married for 15 years. I know I will learn from you. Thank you! 😊
Thank you. For this and many other videos and info. I’m in a child custody battle with my horrible ex. Until now I have been doing what my lawyer tells me to. And been playing by every rule. And being very honest in court, about my troubled past bc my ex of course lied and slandered the heck outta me. So I was basically defending myself constantly rather than trying to shine a spot light on his terribly abusive behavior and acts. Now I’ve got mediation for the 2nd time in a week and my lawyer says i need to agree to joint custody with unsupervised parenting time for my ex. (The day he was served papers he stopped all communication with me and our son, stopped all child support, and refused to talk to me before I retained a lawyer and my son hadn’t seen him or talked to him in 10 months) and my ex snowed the therapist who supervised 3 visits btw my ex and son. And wrote a report fawning all over how great of a bond they have and he should be granted all the parenting time he wants bc he’s so great blah yuck ! And now I’m sitting here wondering if I should fire my lawyer and play the game like he is. The only thing is I have everything to lose. And I’ve already lost a whole year of my happiness and all of my financial security, and most importantly I could lose my son. If he gets allowed time with our son with no supervision I just have this bad feeling he will lose him on purpose or hurt him or frame me somehow. Bc that would take care of his child support garnishment and hurt me the most. I’m binge watching all your videos to better understand how I can play this differently bc I’m terrified. He has no regard for our son. And hates me. He’s the one who cheated and abused and discarded. And I let him. It drove me crazy. Literally. And anyway thank you Sam. For your personal honesty and insight and for teaching the world about it. It is my goal to make sure my son does not become like his dad. I refuse to contribute. I have mental illness too so I’m all over the place. I don’t really know what I have but I try so hard to fight my brain and emotional immaturity on a constant basis. It’s hard and it’s never consistent. But hopefully my son will see enough of the good parts and be ok living a life with meaning.
Sam..thank you.
I am with you all the way on this.
Narcissistic abuse and Narcissistic people..if they do not re- program their brain..they have to be erridicated.
This is the world we live in and it's those that have been infiltrated by the 😈..who are bringing all this misery on this world.
I applaud 👏 your work and I am inspired ✨️ by your commitment.
Peace&Love&Light Namaste 🙏 ♥️
Thank you for this truth and explaining it so well.
HE was as cold as ice. His own concern was how much alimony he pay have to pay. Nothing else. Money.
"Disgust-ologist." Ha! Love it!
Painfully accurate as ever, Prof. I greatly value the depth and poignancy of your content. I also rely on your book a lot, and regularly refer to it. Thank you.
When he sees a Narcissistic he MUST call him out! Love it Prof. SAM! #hearYe #nowisthetime
The truth will set you free… thank you, your content is priceless. You have answered so many questions I had.
You can take the promises of a narcissist to the bank....nope.
Narcissists who speak two or more languages do this very thing. They know you don't speak their language but they'll start talking and then say oh I'm sorry I forgot you didn't understand my language. My mother did this all the time to people I would bring over.
Edit: that is exactly what he says when I'm leaving him. After all that I've done for you! After all these years!
I agree with what you are saying , but for me personally I am very interested in your topics on narcissists , having being surrounded for a long time . You have helped me to understand from both sides and I thankyou 🙏
I do find your content full of quality. I feel the subject at hand is the situation in my marriage. I found your channel while seeking out understanding for myself & the experiences I have gone through that I've found so difficult as to why . I have watched the other channels & yes you are correct. I do feel you, by far exceed , in quality in logic. I want to thank you for sharing your vast knowledge of narcissism. It has truly truly brought me to feel this IS exactly my experience I've dealt with for years now. I think what my gut feeling has been as to what I've been going through for so long is exactly what you have spoken of here. I've watched many of yout videos & your explainations and break downs & I feel it is closest to a great majority of my situation and actions & cognitive views I've seen my husband display. We've been together 25 years and separated the last 3 and its only gotten worse over time. What I call the cold empty shell I feel I could never get to inside him for understanding. It's very difficult to communicate my pain & needs etc. I've almost felt ive gone mad from how frustrating & difficult it's been for me to try to even break through or connect with his feelings & to try to work on our intimacy issues so we can both have a happier marriage but I do and have for a long time felt invisible and alone ALOT. Your channel I feel is most professional & accurate & based from real research studies to proof & makes solid sense. Thank you for sharing your knowledge it has educated me and brought me to understand what I could possibly being living out in my life right now. Oh & by the way if your birth was from the dinosaurs ages then you by far look so so much younger for your time 😆 haha again thank you. ILL continue to learn more with you.
I do agree, all public figures and people in positions of power should be scanned for narcism and other psychological disorders for the sake of humanity 😌
And also no need to worry about “views” ,the times we are living in, increasingly breeding narcissistic individuals will eventually force more views 😌😄, it’s only a matter of time 😌
The Content of your videos is great. So useful and informative. Now I understand events I couldn't begin to reason out before. Thank you so much.
Wow mind blowing content, yet again. My ex narc used to frequently talk out loud (to himself) before I knew to much about npd I believed he maybe schizophrenic so this ticks yet another box.
As I was listening I couldn't think of anything really bad that I did to my ex. I 've always described myself as loyal to the point of stupidity and would never cheat whilst in a relationship. However, once I'd realised my ex had some strange behaviours which I couldn't make sense of, I could see we would never have real intimacy so I decided I would have to live my life in parallel to his (children involved). I started studying for a degree part time by correspondence. My first mark for an assignment was 95%. My ex was held up by his family to be the 'clever' one. Looking back now my moving away emotionally and being successful academically must have infuriated him and possibly mortified him into the bargain. I didn't see what he was really up to until I was doing a post grad psychotherapy course and we did the right module 😂 Better late than never.
I've just recently been seeking out more information about narcissistic tendencies and I can hear many instances that I have done like cheating to exit a fantasy with a narcissist. I can also relate to some narcissistic personality traits as well in myself. Self awareness and my effect on others has been eye opening lately.
Thank You Very Much Prof Vaknin 😊
Brilliant video and I have so many questions finally answered! I just have one left, my malignant narc sister triangulates my parents against me and my brother. She has been awful in her behavior. No remorse, no feelings, nothing. She is out to be the greatest towards my parents. She has reframed EVERYTHING towards them as well. I stopt explaining, my parents don’t want to hear the truth. It is exhausting. My brother is done with my sister. I am too. My mother is a open narc and hates my guts for leaving my sister and not offer her help(!) My father believes everything my sister said about me and comes around once in while to remain contact but he doesn’t want to hear of any of my feelings/issues with her. He just does what is convenient to him. My question to you is, are both my parents Narcissists themselves and don’t want the truth out of convenience? Or is my sister so good in convincing (base rate fallacy) that they are brainwashed?
On a sidenote, I admire you and the way you educate us. It is brilliant👌🏻 your sense of humor is incredible!
I agree, I’m all about setting them out for all to see for their our own self preservation !!
For our own self preservation
Thank you for sharing powerful info Helped me so much
Wow! I am only a few minutes in. I wish I could share this with my soon to be ex husband. Our 33 year marriage turned into me being a non being. I could never get his attention about finances and affection. I got my own bank account, knowing that would trigger him. I couldn’t bare to physically cheat on him.
insignificant others 3:50 LOL
Thank you for sharing and being a truth teller on these painful topics. Greetings from Bulgaria!
Ive been married 10 years & it use to be great when he took his meds $3700 a month for a shot. The last 3-4 years its been hell but i believe/believed i would the 1 person in my family that would be married 1 time only & it would be a Godly marriage so Lord knows ive tried, tried, & tried. Ive went through 5 deaths of loved ones since 2018, & 1 im still having problems with since 2016 (18 yr old nephew that took his own life) Ive been dealing with bad health including cancer, ive asked asked & asked for his help with bills, house, dogs, etc., Ive tried so many times so many things & I actually left for a month than he used suicide & electric was off & he was on verge of getting kicked out of the dump ive paid to get in, & been paying bills since 2018 with no help at all my baby brother died that i was close to, i cared for my mom in 2019, & she died last year. I can keep going on & on & on about how bad things keep coming my way. I was born into a family that i experienced every form of abuse, the only love guidance & protection i had was from my grandmother she died when i was 12 than my dad put me through something that involved him making money & helping his buddies out well I left home. Ive always looked at myself as a strong independent head strong survivor or warrior and always kept in mind theres others that have it worse than me so i wasnt allowing myself to be a victim, & now i think ive finally reached my breaking point. I feel so trapped & feel like im a hostage in every since of the word. My husband has sucked the life out of me, all my energy is drained, my spirit is dying out, my mind body is burnt out & im in so much pain i wont do chemo cuz i cant handle being more sick & in more pain. This man takes credit for everything ive done, he wont do anything to help, he has no empathy compassion or even love for anyone but himself. He blames everyone but himself - he wont leave, & he wont let me leave ive already walked away from everything i own twice im to old, to much pain, & i dont have anywhere to go. He has family but non of them want him around but they will listen to his lies on the phone. He talks over me, puts me down, always lying manipulating, hes cleared everything out of the bank, goes through my draws, cloths, stuff and says its his & i actually believe he is not only a Nar, but also a psychopath. He wasnt like this before & truth hes got me to scared & thats Not Me
Very interesting about moral and visceral disgust having overlapping neural circuits and the amygdala and anterior insula being smaller in psychopaths. It made me think of a recently published Swedish book by Anna Ardin, who was sexually assaulted by Julian Assange over a decade ago. He stayed (more like barricaded himself) at her apartment for a week and she describes how he never showered and smelled awful, didn't flush the toilet and was a total slob.
In addition to a seeming lack of remorse, extreme entitlement etc.
Thank you for your amazing lecture on reframing, mortification and exciting a shared fantasy. I gained so much understanding what I been through from narcissistic abuse and understanding these narcissists are horrific people!
My children, 25, and 22.
Assuming he will turn to them for supply, now that I have nothing left to give, and even though they are adults now, why do I still feel wrong warning them. Not sure how to handle this situation.
Thank you very much from Spain. I am trying to understand and to go out
I'm listening and taking notes. Thank you.
I rather listen to Vankin any day of the week. Have never heard anyone explain it to the perfection he does. Much respect!
Vaknin.
Hello professor, you are incredibly good, the best thing I have ever heard about narcissism, I am pleased to hear from you daily… from Mexico 🇲🇽
It would be wonderful for you to lecture about a narcissist with an extreme humiliation fetish. Would it be possible that the abuse is reversed?so that the narcissist can see how the object in the shared fantasy can inflict abuse on him? Would be extremely interesting to know
Watch today’s forthcoming video as well as the videos in The Narcissist’s Sexuality series.