Your Threatening Love: Why You Stay, Why He Abuses You
Vložit
- čas přidán 11. 09. 2020
- Why the more you love him, the more he hates you:
Glasser's "core complex"
Rosen's and Bateman's "thick-skinned and thin-skinned narcissists"
Motz's "toxic coupling"
Steiner's "sadomasochistic relating"
Welldon's "malignant bonding"
Lachkar's "v-spot"
Hyatt-Williams's "psychic toxicity"
Yakeley's pathological attachment styles
Fonagy's and Target's reflection and mentalization deficits
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store:
www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
He told me he knew he should love me but couldn’t. But he couldn’t leave me alone either. He wouldn’t accept my love and affection and would literally tense up when I would try to hug him. I have been NC for three years and he has hoovered me a few times but I ignore. Last week he hoovered from his hospital bed crying and apologizing and saying he wished he could have loved me. This video explains everything finally. It is truly heartbreaking..all the love I wanted to give him and he was never able to accept and actually resented me ...I finally understand . Thanks so much Sam for finally giving me peace .
My dad almost died a few years ago in hospital he was telling my mum he loved her over and over again. But on day to day he treats her like the most worthless being. It’s so sad to see I can’t describe it like a knot in my heart because none of us can fix him and I couldn’t protect my mum from his abuse
Exact same happened here 😢
@@rewakaur7375same here
Same here
Same here It is heartbreaking to find out someone you love Soo much is a walking contradiction
Ginger here told Rich on a cruise on night watching the sunset. That I love him and prayed we stayed close. I was so berated threatened to be left on cruise and got the silent treatment. I finally left at 30 years of marriage with cancer. I am so broken and confused. I just never want to see his face again. Valentines Day will never be the same. That is the day I filed for divorce.
"The more you love him the more of an enemy you are".. It hurts so much but it's definitely true .. Thank you for making me understand lots of things that were going on and on in my mind.. thank you so much
1000% spot on. Thanks so much for helping me as a borderline to understand the narcissistic men in my life that I adore.
I now finally understand. I've searched and pondered, agonised and cried, been bewildered and not understood. It's been so painful. I thought my unquenchable quest for understand would be in vain forever, but at last, you have given me (the very painful) truth.
Melainieann- how do you know your a borderline? Have u been diagnosed for it?
"Unmitigated idiot" is such an apt description of the narcissist!
Narcissists are needy yet want to be on their own at the same time. I was the Mommy in every day life and in bed. He could not keep a job to save his life so he needed me. He knew I could never kick him out. He knew no matter what I'd stay by him. He said his mother never did. In a sense I think I was subconsciously trying to be the best mommy in the world for him said id always be there for him. Id never leave him. Yet the more he mentally abused me. If I even posed a threat of gaining control of my own life...even if it was to go out without him to a store, out with friends he would become this controlling insecure mean child as if he's thinking "no mommy don't leave me."
"The more you love him the more of an enemy you are"- tht's it ! Thanks for this amaizing lecture !
I had this strange sensation when I was with her. I thought that my love would destroy her. It's a really complex problem for everyone involved. Sad. Very sad. A kid living inside a monster.
Yes, me too, I felt my love made him think how to behave towards me, he was not clear any more how to treat me, he treated me niicely. And still does, a covert.
Thank you, I finally understand his actions. He always said that I intimidated him. He was depressed, arrogant, envious, emotionally and physically distant and indifferent. Not understanding this is the thing that keeps us victims of this abuse in our own minds and in the physical. 🙏🏾
As a layman of this subject we who need help to recover from our abuser we don't care how u pronounce words we still get what your saying n are grateful for your help thank you
Once an american made fun of me for how I pronounce "Bratwurst"... I am german.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I hope you blinded him with ketchup
How do you pronounce it?
We call it Kielbasa I’m polish
My narc tried to Hoover me back after 10 years of separation because his borderline “broke him.” Not my problem. And there are no returns. So now I’m the bad guy again. I don’t care if I am. I’m doing what’s best for me now. He is not concerned about his children and i would never put him above them. With them I try to balance my love for them and teach boundaries. I try to empower their confidence in themselves to leave the nest (me) with love and encouragement but also with humility that there are consequences in life and it isn’t fair but it is bearable and they can cope.
my wife is a BPD. This makes perfect sense. I noticed a progression or degradation I should say in our relationship. When ever things were going smoothly and we were getting along and things seemed to be going perfect she would out of the blue start fighting with me. She would actually make things up, to her it must have seemed real, to get an argument started and I couldn't stop the downward spiral no matter what I did. In fact if I agreed with her and let her have her way she would get even more upset to the point of violence and when that started I would just protect myself the best I could. Trying to get her to stop like begging and pleading to stop because your hurting me would keep her going until she made me bleed. Once she saw blood the intensity would subside and she would want to comfort me and have sex with me. Then a couple days later she would disappear for months at a time. she would eventually come back and if course I would let her. What I noticed was that each time that happened her stay back with me would get shorter and shorter. I believe that's because she couldn't understand the fact that I loved her and forgave her for all she has done to me and how could someone love her when she inflicts so much pain towards me? I think she feels ashamed and not worthy of my love for her and so the cycle repeats itself. It's so disheartening to see her abuse herself. I often hoped she would stay long enough to get her into therapy for BPD because there's been some wonderful outcomes with the latest treatments. I don't know how strong or how stupid I really am but I'd kinda like to be there to see how her life turns out. Understanding her mental disadvantages or disabilities has actually made me love her in a deeper sense in some ways because I feel like I'm not one of the confused angry resentful objects of her infatuation.
Thank you Sam for educating me. I have come a long way in having such a greater sense of self awareness and mentalizing. You are an exquisite educator and human being. Which I'm sure you knew that already lol.
I love your comment.
Angel.
Thank you. This puts me in perspective IF im dealing with a shy, good guy. However, at this point, idk who has the issues in the ship. I think we both have been abused so badly we're scared.
She would never make you angry or resentful towards her? During her outbursts? ... how old and or experienced in relationships were you both at the time if you don't mind sharing ofcourse...?
What I never understood is that my ex could have gotten everything he wanted by being nice and with a little adjustment. But he chose to abuse and accuse non sense things which even he deep down knew were false. The honey traps more effectively than the stick but he never would understand this.
Sohini Banerjee That’s exactly what broke my heart the most about my wasband. I used to absolutely adore him and would have done anything for him until his cruelty made him so disgusting and intolerable to me that I found myself being cold and spiteful. It’s a shame because I used to have a kind, generous, and loving soul before he stole it from me.
@@dr.lorief.9499 i agree. No matter how much I loved him he would come up with some complaint or the other. So I thought why bother... Especially he went out of his way to create problems in my life...it was worse than having an enemy.
they dont want harmony...they want drama, abuse and control....different objectives...accept it..hug
@@sohinibanerjee9617 The he could also be a she narcissist. Who according to you is worse ? Male - or female narc (on an average, ignore intensity or people high in the spectrum )?
@@AsianDefenceNews I haven't really had had a close encounter with a female narc so can't tell..
Outsourcing boundaries - best explanation of the process I've heard.
Absolutely the best description of the tumultuous and tormented inner working of a narcissist and their partner. (And as always, the most intelligent)
This video really made me 🤮 The understanding of the role I play in this mess is really sickening. I need to watch this again. Gosh! So essentially it is to our detriment to love these people. I think I prefer to stay shut off from him like this, let his new insignificant one deal with this sh*t
Don't walk away. Run Away
You are such an amazing person Professor Vaknin! I miss your lectures when I don‘t listen to you every day! And I like your accent: very nice!👏🤩
Fairy Tales often show narcissists in action. The evil stepmother, Bluebeard, etc. These old stories are extremely important to explore with your children. These stories are really useful for children to understand their own motivations and to understand the motivations of others.
Sam, this can apply to relationships of any kind pertaining to a narcissist. It illuminated so much for me. Thank you.
Profound lecture, Professor. Thank you so much for sharing these incredible insights and research with us. Incredible.
Thank you, this was a very healing experience to hear this. I loved my Narcissist so much and gave her everything, now i know i hurt her with it and why she reacted how she did. It´s mindblowing honestly.
So very interesting to me! Makes total sense and I am grateful my time with the n was very short! I always wondered why I felt so "hollow" and sad. I was going thru the death of my mother at the time which I attributed my emotions being all over the map, but there was just so much more to it!!!! I questioned everything and second-guessed myself and didn't understand the mood shifts, silence, gaslighting, sudden resentment, and hatred, shut off of sex (cause it was happening elsewhere) ...... Wow, I find this topic fascinating and so happy to be educated more and more on this. The more love I gave, the worse it got! Didn't understand the devious acts going on behind my back until after the discard and I pieced it together like a little detective..... that was fun NOT.:( And now the hoovers. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Will be no repeats here! Thank you Sam for your intellect and teaching! Very interesting this video. Peace, Liza
Professor Sam, I love to hear you talk. My friends are from Kettering and I love to talk with them. They really pick on me. Hey, you guy's came first. I've heard this a thousand times. I enjoy your videos and your personality, and you're quite handsome! Stay groovy 😘
Thank YOU kindly for responding!! Much appreciated. 😊
Excellent Sam, mine O Mine everyword .. You said is true, my father is like this.. No choice, to avoid vanishing, I have to discover myself by removing myself from family... Tragic but is the only way to survive...you are very good, and articulate in this video... And the lexical density...., you are such a learned man
This almost made me cry. I feel so bad for them that they are pure evil because of there past that makes them hate that you have what they can never have or feel! If you dont want to die inside you have to be strong as possible to except this and remove these trama bonds to be free. May everyone seek the best from these situations. It really is so crazy how they are it makes u feel is this real? Can they really not feel what we feel because were both human. Wow deep
Life changing information, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing your thoughts and perspective on this subject. I finally feel like I got honest actuate straightforward explanation. Sweet knowledge filled with the answers to all my many many questions.
Now I feel so much better!!!! I’m able to understand the unexplainable somehow. I wasn’t sure I would ever make sense of what I’d been a part of. All I can say is thank you but I feel I owe you more. I found your research absolutely fascinating and I eagerly absorbed every word. Mind blowing insight, well done. It was empowering and the opposite of terrifying. It was comforting and soothing as the confusion melted away into nothingness. Liberated at last !
Thank you 🌺
Thank you SO much for this very well explained and clear insight. Your videos and shared wisdom have accompanied me for several years now!Through my first and second ,relationship’ with a narcissist. The pain would be unbearable if it wasn’t for you and the psychological concepts which shed light give sense to the dark and all-consuming void that is the narcissist’s core.
Hey Doc you're hitting the nail right on the head for my abuse session. there were no age barriers in the household malignant narcissistic father devouring mother. I started reading your work over 20 years ago when we had dial-up.
Thank you. I am in awe of learning all this
I generally just watch your videos for insight and healing.i believe you're doing real good here.
God is the first fashion designer 🤣love it. Hilarious.. The Adam and Eve story told better than anyone I’ve ever heard!
Brilliant teaching.. thank you for your help
Amazing explanation you gave me all the answers and now I realized deeply why I couldn't get away from him
I stayed because I get trapped cos of his attention he gave me to my children like a caring husband which I never had.
As always I enjoy your humor. The Garden of Eden in the beginning of this video was great dear Professor. It is kind of weird to sit here laughing with/at a CZcamsr. Thank you for lightening up my day. And thank you once again for enlightening my mind and soul as to what the hell was going on for 7 years. Yep- The good old 7. Thank you so much for helping me on this weird but necessary journey.
Another awesome video Prof Sam Vaknin - you are such a crack up - love your sense of humour 😊
No! I watch because you ARE Irresistibly Handsome! And I am intrigued by your lectures and anticipate the next video and the next and the next!
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
This video is absolutely amazing 🌟 Very in-dept (*Deep*) and I can't say thank you enough.
Your videos are very informative ❤
Felt this one, not with my ultra sensitive empath superpower ( 🤦🏻♀️ ), but the entirety of an experience echoed in clarity.
Also have a thought to see if neuroscience needs a data scientist. 🤔
Thank you Professor.
Christina
Hello Sam I have been completely mortified and been watching your videos for a long time. It's a long story but I make it short as possible. I had gotten cancer and had to live back with my parents I'm 60 years old now for the past 6 years I've had to live here my whole body has been in pain every single day ever since I know I need to get away from here but it's not possible as it looks to me now. I feel I'm going to die here living in their garage I see continues to abuse me and what he's done to the my sister and my mother well you probably know they are abusive also. No money unable to get to the doctors I just can't deal with anything my threshold is so low. Before chemo and radiation I weighed 190 lb 2 weeks into it I lost 50 lb and continue to lose weight and have excruciating pain whenever he does something. I avoid them as much as possible. What I'm asking your brilliant mind is do you have any suggestions so I can save my life.
🎉 etymology so essential to understanding
I’m also good at language and I say serotonin the way you do. If other people don’t like it, tough.
True I have such unspoken fantasies though i fear it to ever truely happen to me i fantasise about it happening I did enjoy the physical abuse though it gave me nightmares i was beaten as a child by my borderline sometimes Narcistic mother and later was domestically or physically abused by a partner and I admit that i induced some of the beatings and it really made me feel alive yet it also crippled and messed up mental state or i started portraying mental instability and physical appearance of someone who gave up on themselves similar appearance to a drug addict lost weight couldn't sleep because i got horrific nightmares
I'm watching your videos because I'm really interested in this topic.
Thank you for explaining the assholeness in my ex
The abusive parent indoctrinated the child that nobody is good enough for him because he ( the child ) is perfect in every way ! but the confusion comes from the fact that the same parent who praised them ......told them how to manage their emotions and how to see and treat other people ! So the child is happy to be praised, but he doesn't love the parent as a parent , but as praise supply , and can't understand how come if he is so perfect he needs someone else to tell him constantly how to feel and how to express his emotions ! How can you feel towards someone who praises you and abuses you in the same time ? The abusive parent praises the child in order to have him by his side and brainwash him . The abusive parent doesn't give parental advice or education...but imposes on the child a narcissistic philosophy of life ...because the abusive parent himself disrespected , patronized , mistreated , cheated, disregarded other people's feelings . And by coincidence ..or not.....the other partner / parent was a weak person ......weak in the sense that didn't have a strong personality , who was present .....but not active as a father or mother figure even if they lived in the same house !
PS my father is a narcissist, my ex is a narcissist ! In my father's case the abusive parent was his mother ( who loved me in her own way and tried to buy my love with gifts ) , and in my ex's case it was his father !
narcissists are never wrong 😂
Well I guess that's that, all this just happened when I offered love..he went batshit...glad I heard this in this way...feel like I can understand better.
Wow. Thank-you.
I’m going to pronounce serotonin correctly from now on. Thank you.
No, don't. It is wrong to go against the accepted pronounciation. I was wrong to have acted this way.
Sam Vaknin Duly noted. When you say bladderdash do you mean balderdash or is that a less familiar variant of the word? I prefer bladderdash for it’s enhanced onomatopoeic quality. I’ll definitely use that, one way or the other.
By all means, bladderdash away your balderdash!
Sam Vaknin dcddx d
t
David O'Connell uui
You make no mistakes you describe my life !I am Greek is serotonini
I believe you're describing object constancy or object permanence. In relation to abandonment or fear of.
I believe you would benefit from doing your homework and searching this channel before you comment.
Is it possible to individuate later in life if you came from a toxic narcissistic family system? I'm guessing better late than never but psychologically would that individuation make up for the lack of individuation in childhood?
Great Professor, mention whom you want to teach Us
A castle on a hill - you said. Like a private La Rochelle...
in a way overcoming a narcissist is a kick in its own right. it's like a puzzle to find out where they hurt and how they manipulate and then walk away from them knowing you have abilities to grow beyond what they could ever achieve. sure they get to you, but leaving them in the dust has its perks. it's always been my opinion that codependency is also about control, just a deflated sort of control. but a codependent does try to control how someone functions and control the outcome of the growth of their partner. there is something deeply imposing about codependants. and often they glorify their victimization and harness a feeling of emotional superiority from the encounter. for myself i certainly perceive narcissists as a way of learning more about the vast range of human functioning. an encounter with a narcissist can propel one forward and comes with insights one would not gain in a more normal and stable relationship.
Not only did God act as a loving Father by clothing them, he sacrificed an animal to do it, giving a typology of Christ's future sacrifice.
Amen!
Prof Vaknin, Thank you so much🙏 The only question is how does the Narcissist feel once the relationship is collapsed due to his discard ? due to his foolishness for destroying what was good for him
Search the playlists.
I have a question???
I totally get how the more you try to love him, the more he pushes you away .... but HOW could the narcissist BEFORE MARRIAGE, "stomach" receiving love ?
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
@@samvakninTHANK YOU kindly for responding!!! Much appreciated! 😊😊
Just. Wow....
I absolutely agree with you on the pronunciation of serotonin... Americans mispronounce words also, for example my name is Irene, but my name should be pronounced as Earrene... not I Rene...
@@soniaperez2417 I am not criticizing americans, my point is that everyone can mispronounce a word... I am an American and yes we mispronounce words honey, we are not perfect... My point was to uplift the narrator which is Sam... Who are you to be telling people what to stick to... Mind to your business not to the business of others... Thank you.. Everyone at some point has mispronounced a word, if they are able to speak... I can speak upon Americans because I am one Miss Lady!... The truth is true...
@@soniaperez2417 You took my comment as some sort of attack and that was not the intent... My point was as it stands everyone has mispronounced words... Me wanting to soothe someone is a good thing because soothing is kind especially when it comes from a good place... I love Sam's videos and the way he speaks, so that is why I am a subscriber of his, so you may be blowing this out of proportion... Just because you got tired of all the comments about Americans, please don't release all of that tension and dislike towards me... My comment meant no harm, my point was no one is perfect and it is okay not to be perfect... Have a great rest of the week Miss... I encourage and I love cultural differences...
So does he suddenly like you again if you leave and ignore him
Mine became vindictive an destructive.to anything that's not his he started needing to use my car .took suport beams .out from under my house and utterly destroyed.everything. because he demanded time alone an wanted me to be gone .(oh you enjoy your self go .) I need to be alone .yea right .my neighbor.informed me he was disasmbling my house .while he was drunk .an i had no clue .he had started this behavior .until it was to late .he lashed out at neighbor.first .then me .he said i needed to know what it was like to live under bridge.??.mortification .an i was going with him .lol
And what would happen if the narcissist would take that hand and give into trust with another person... I would hope some sort of healing.
they dont accept help because they think they are above u......
Sam, I wonder how you would think about my German mother in law's pronunciation of the word alligator. It was like this: Ahl eee gah torrr.
Germans and alligators have a lot in common. You should respect her intimate first hand knowledge.
@@samvaknin 🤣
@@notagain779 🤣🤣🤣
I'm watching you my friend 🤭😂
How can we get threw to them Ive been with mine 15 years and right now he's giving me the silent treatment
I like to know if a Narci loves nature.🌻
Well, nature sure loves them! Cerebral narcissists abhor nature and somatics are indifferent to it.
I thinking of the film War of The Roses.
Wow.
SAM, ARE NARCISSISTS "VIRTUAL PEOPLE"?
There is another movie on the topic I think, Bitter Moon by Roman Polanski
Yes. I mention it in one of my vids. Masterpiece.
I'll just say serOtonin, like you say it, that's the right pronunciation, everyone knows what you mean by that, right! It's the same with my surname... It's khan from the epiglottis, but no one will pronounce it that way... They will just use the letter k to pronounce... Heritage of British colonialism.
Although I'm sure that many relationships reflect these ideas, what about people who stay feeling they need to protect their children !?! Let me just say it doesn't work !!
Dr. Vatkin - a question... what happens if a narcissist "falls in love with" another narcissist?
Vaknin. Do your homework and search this channel before you waste my time.
I'll let you know when the relationship between her and my stbx malignant narc husband's IMPLODES! Never seen such a picture of 2 narc's getting together in my life. Both malignant, both somatic! If they are opposite, like Mr Vankin had explained, cerebral with a somatic, it can last longer than it should. But two of the same kind together will (should) be an atomic bomb. And when he comes crawling back to me, now that I know his real issue (finally), no one will be home. This last discard of me is the FINAL.
@@samvaknin where do you get off speaking to people who subscribe to you like this .if someone is taking time to listen to you then it is your responsibility with grace and respect to answer questions with grace and respect or if you don't have the time either don't respond at all or don't respond disrespectfully. It makes you look like a socially defunct ignoramous or a selfish arrogant and ill mannered individual. In layman's terms an unmitigated ass.
So if you don't respect yourself enough to give others respect perhaps you are missing the point of your knowledge and understanding which is ....... It's not supposed to be about you! So turn and stop making it about you! And I don't care that you are a doctor I happened to be a procto analist that's right I study Assholes! But you sir are only a pseudo asshole
I have complete confidence that you will turn from this way and become one who actually cares about the people to whom God has put in his path to minister to.
This is your chance doc! Don't blow it! Make a change to serve and not to be served. Otherwise you might be considered the narcissist! Shalom!
@@stevemiller887 you're forgetting Sam is a self acclaimed Narcissist. He talks of how he was diagnosed twice
@@ibiminaabiye257 but in one of his videos he says narcissists must be pointed out and that he hates narcs...
People who nitpick your pronunciation are probably also narcissists
I'm idealized my CZcams professor into my bpd nueral map, gotta get to work on f*cking up a man in real life rather than trying to find meaning. You prepared me for him leaving. So me and my kids are alive and cursing. But I am not assuming anything about my safety. He keeps talking about suicide and me. Not great.
1st I'm very suprised to hear u speak of God and the bible, my narc, was a atheist, I'd have to turn the t.v. channel if it was on preaching, he denied it, BUT seemed to have a disgust for it, so I started listening on my phone with ear buds🖒he left home at 15 cause his mom and her husband said, go to church or leave, shed taken him in the past and he didn't like it and eventually he just left at 15 lived on benches in cars, he said he made his own way..2nd my narc who's now 70, said before we met he HADN'T had sex in 6 yrs, or been in relationship, he said ALL the yrs we were together he NEVER had sex with anyone else, I SAID THAT'S FUNNY I THOUGHT ALL NARCS CHEATED🤔HE SAID ALL THE TIME..I KNOW HOW TO KEEP MY PANTS ON, AND I HAVE ONLY BEEN WITH 3 WOMEN IN 30 YRS!! HE SAID JUST HAVING SEX WITH PPL TO BE HAVING SEX IS NASTY FEELING..IDK I'M 90 PERCENT SURE HE'S NARC, BUT I HEARD THEY ( ALL) CHEAT SO IDK.
That narcissists all cheat is online nonsense by self-styled ignorant “experts”.
Milo in Greek !
What are you referring to?
Donald Trump, when will you do a video on his unrelenting gaslighting and narcissistic abuse?
I think it’s so obvious, there’s no need for a video. Narcissists like Trump are easier to recognize and then avoid. I think Sam addresses the other types that are harder to identify, which is important for us to know about. It’s very complex.
Donald Trump - A Malignant Narcissist? (March 2016)
www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq19.html#trump
@@Beauty_bydeborah I think there could still be some value in doing an update simply because of the shocking number of people who are themselves victims of narcissistic abuse, but can't see Trumps narcissism ...or they create a false-equivalency between Trump and all other politicians as-if they are all in the same boat. Just a thought.
Thanks, Prof. Vaknin for helping me understand more about what is happening in my life. I thought I was crazy, I live in constant paranoia and anxiety, I've even been diagnosed and am on treatment for several medical conditions, all stress-related. Although there is nothing I can do about my situation now since I am totally trapped and isolated from everything and everyone I know, I can't even make a living for myself, I may as well be living on another planet... but, by binge-watching your content I am gathering the tools that I will need to hang in there for a while longer. P.S. Don't pay any attention to the trolls🙄 you are out here saving lives. your true fans appreciate you🫂
That's what I always say. I can't be some weirdo imaginary whatever is in your head. It's rude to constantly try to force me to be something I will never see and they can't even communicate it a way to be understood. Is anyone not playing that game? I don't play. I escalate others immediate end. You can say it out loud and still I'm crazy. Crazy all day long. I think it means I'm winning. Makes me sick. I almost feel that it doesn't matter where I go. That's the game. I've never wanted to play it. Disgusted me as a kid. What people call love is not anything to do with love. Even the man I live with now. Which is a first for me. Usually I am able to be only own. This guy tried so hard to make me adhere to him and his ways. I told him that i can hear him. No reason to be cruel. Asked him if he was trying to erase me. Shocked him. Also told him if he needed a doormat than he should have just say that. I know how to speak doormat. Then I told him if I'm going to be a piece of furniture than I would rather be a garden gnome. So I buy them and leave them all over the house when I'm not allowed to exist. Seriously it's like a sick joke. What makes anyone think that I want to sit in their hell. Not a magic butterfly that shows up. And you take from me while I become sick with no actual help. Life is hard already. Why make it harder for no reason. I worked 3 Job's and raised my kids alone so some jerk can tear me down and take from me because that's the only way you. Know how to live. Can't accept change when that is the only thing true. It is always changing. Thankfully. It's the only thing I ever have hung onto is it will change. I've crawled from hell with my bare hands by myself over and over. I'm not willing to be dragged back. I make people comfortable than immediately uncomfortable. I don't want anything. If it costs me my life. I already gave that away to my kids. My last so called friend. Setting me up the whole time. I allowed it. Called it out even. When it came to the price, I also, to her suprise accepted that as well. I don't mind the hit. But they will eat and hold it because it's not mine to hold. People show you who they are all the time. It's fantasy that clouds our eyes. I have to actively sit sometimes and I remove what i might be projecting on something, so I can see it for what it is. And then say it outloud. I think I have a right to exist just like anyone else. I have the right to know what I want in my life and that requires honesty. Which is hard because the lies start inside ourselves. Some people have built their entire identities around a trauma. Without it, they loose all self justifications for the harm the cause others. I don't want whatever love is to most people. I've never seen it in the imagery of bullshit in spoon feed dreams. I have shared really cool moments with some beautiful people. I'm thankful for every single one of those. Rarely does anyone meet you and wants to learn. I make their heads hurt. I did not do well in school. My mom was sick with cancer. She had 4 kids and I was the oldest. So I have been mom for my whole life. Marriage and divorce. I have 9 brothers and 4 sisters. I have never know life to be easy. I got to where I would ask for more. Sarcasm, would just say I'm a lucky girl. One of my best friends told me once that I was the only person he knew that could walk outside to smoke a cigarette and 10 bad things happen. I told him he was ridiculous. It's not because I'm standing here and it follows me. It's already everywhere and I can't see it and not act on that. I'm not blindly ignoring my surroundings so that I can stay in a self created fantasy. I involve myself. In my very few attempts at relationships, No one that tried to come into my home ever added. Always took away and I didn't have much to give that would take away from my kids or all the other kids I would take in. I have I guess woke myself up multiple times in my life so far. And any time it happens I will go far and change everything. It's not hard to connect and see people correctly. We choose not to. Blind ourselves. I never could afford the cost and the price is death. I don't want to play like that. I love fantasy myself. I have my own of course. my dissacoiciated reality that I pull into reality on my own. Requires no people. People make it suck. Everyone in while someone will play. Intense and on purpose and then I let them go. Very good friends that were my life line when the world was cracking on top of my back. So I could breathe or hold onto something that didn't suck. I was so worried that my daughter would remember the bad more than the good. So I went out of my way to create memories for her to counteract the bad. Waking her up at midnight for midnight banana splits at Denny's. Glow stick parties and dancing and scary movies. She would bring me all her friends with problems and I would talk them into talking to their parents. She's brave. She doesn't back down. And she critically thinks so I am thankful. And she tells me when I overstep and that she doesn't read my lectures that I send sometimes. But I leave her alone and apologize when she asks. She's done some crazy stuff already at age 20. I was so proud of her for jumping into the world and trying to do anything. We are our experience and each person we allow in an experience as well. We are all I believe insane. I have never met a normal person. Also have never met a group of terrible people. I have met some really sad lonely men. They are the worst. I feel for them but they build those walls. Not my job to remove an imaginary box. Asking me to do that is disrespectful. If you can't reach inside yourself and you built it than it's impossible for me to. I would only die trying. And I'm tired of dying inside a view I can't see or understand. I see no point in it. So I just say that outloud. Sometimes I make a friend, usually they try to hurt me and I leave. Not that I have tried much. The last 2 years has got me floored. I gave up even on myself. Which never had been an option before. 3 surgeries later and I started crying so much and for no reason and crazy people around me that I didn't know. In a different state with no one. And still I wake up crying in my sleep. I don't remember a lot. It wasn't important so why keep it. Apparently your body remembers or something. I'm self educating and healing on my own. And trying to do most of it realistically in public. Because it's the only thing that I could come up with that keeps me safe. So I've got a small collection of haters. I'm seriously not playing those games. With people or with emotions. Always explaining one person to another person because they can't hear them because of word placement or values assigned to the world. I broke my mind 2 years ago. Felt as if I ripped my soul from my body and tore it in half. I had been screaming so loudly inside my own head and no one could hear me. Now since that happened. It's like I hear others doing the same thing. Pulled to them because I can see and hear their screaming. Stuck inside that imaginary box. I keep looking for anything that is similar to what I experienced and as a whole I have found it in pieces everywhere. So many lies around a small bit of truth because someone wants to be special. It's not special. It's sad and weak. Fantasy should be shared with willing participants. People born into this traumatized life of survival don't understand they have a choice. Maybe we are all waiting for the 100th monkey effect. Lol. Sounds better than most stuff. I just want to dance and hear people's stories. They are amazing. And I appreciate all the crazy things others tell me about their lives. Honored if they pick me to hear them. Because I hear a lot of them. I've always thought a little funny. I have always been told. I am an introvert but not scared of much. I wasn't allowed my reaction as a kid. Learning to not repress everything is difficult. Harder sometimes when I have no idea why I can't make it stop or suck it up. I thought i was broken. But it was a gift. It was air to breathe and to understand. Now I want to learn and feed my mind anything else besides what I know already.