Why Narcissist Can't Love (with Daria Żukowska, Clinical Psychologist)
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- čas přidán 5. 02. 2024
- Narcissist incapable of any kind of love.
Othering failure (incapable of perceiving others as separate or external objects).
Positive and negative emotions intertwined.
Cognitive over emotional.
Bad object validation as unlovable: projective identification.
Superiority, power (love is mundane, weakness) lead to contempt.
Reenactment of early childhood conflicts (separation-individuation)
Love is incestuous.
Love ends in pain, abandonment, is unsafe, a loss of control over threats (external locus), anxiogenic.
Love conditioned on performance, transactional, benefits.
On Daria Żukowska's channel • Co znaczy miłość dla o...
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To the lonely, the vulnerable.. that found themselves in these relationships by mistake because of needs within ourselves.
The best saying that rings true..
"We all eat lies when we're hungry"
Forgive yourself for that hunger. What you didn't know. For staying long after the plate was empty and the dishes broken.
You deserve real communication and real love ❤
Thank you ! ❤
I’m struggling to forgive myself for not being stronger…
@@ABBYBENORMALYou are strong to have survived and smart to be here learning and moving on. You were just tricked by someone. It happens to the best of us.❤❤❤
Ty. So true
Don't beat yourself up for something u did not know about. I do understand!@ABBYBENORMAL
this is so accurate it is amazing. I met a girl that behaved exactly how the prof. describes it. It seemed so weird and it felt like we processed the world entirely differently. I broke it off because these kinds of people demand that you submit to them but at the same time they want the right to abuse you. At the end it is up to you to not enable them.
My eyes nearly welled up with tears when she asked "Why does it hurt like nothing else in the earth?" But when Sam explained the part about "reflection" and "shared fantasy" my would be tears dried right up. This is a wake up call and much needed reality check for moving in a more emotionally productive direction.
*Professor Sam
Well said! Thank you so much for sharing!
Me too!
me too yeah love is hard
Some of us find ourselves vulnerable to these men because at home we didn’t have parents that would hug and give us love and all we got was “tough love”. So we keep chasing that love we never got and get into relationships because of the share fantasy the narcissist sells us.
And expect the same treatment elsewhere
@OlympianVenus. Narcissists are very keen on this. They watch and test their prey until their prey becomes perfectly readable, before they begin their cycle of bait and switch, and all manner of hatred in between.
@@EdwinC1001 sick and twisted
50% of all narcissists are women? I've been a victim of female narcissists my whole life as a highly empathetic male so don't generalise this. In my experience modern females are actually much more likely to show narcissistic traits. It's almost encouraged.
Heck Venus I went thru it w/ a female,I about stroked out. The worst experience in my life.
The best video ive ever seen on line explaining why the narc cant love.priceless and absolute gold.
Completely agree.
Totaly agree
The entire conversation gives me shivers. It's like revisiting the worst nightmare from which you cannot wake up. I have been free from ex-narc for four years, and it feels liberating.
I just cut off from the narcissist last year…I’m still somewhat imbalanced but I know that it will pass and that soon I will experience levity
I now have a better understanding of my husband who I've been married to for over 40 years and why he is the way he is. I've never felt truly loved and I watch other couples and see how adoring they are towards each other. I know I've missed out, he's never made me feel special, put others before me and I know the root of the problem now looking back. It all makes perfect sense 😔
I cried twice 😢 First for my ex because he will always be miserable. Second, all the grieving he explains it so well. I have been in so much pain and it feels terrible, I've been searching for answers.
Keep praying for them. Its possible for a Narc to recognize and become self aware and to be healed and change. Nothing is outside of Gods power.
This is spot on 💯💯💯💯💯 my “husband” acts this way all the way. He is the worst person I ever met in my entire life!!!
He fooled you into marriage so divorce him.
Dity er T😮eff
wow, so exactly on! The oddity of withholding love, affection and even sex. Taking responsibility for allowing it, not seeing it sooner. Forgiving and letting go but being smarter and self fulfilled is the best recovery! I do feel bad even for the narcissist for in most cases they suffered abuse and were unable to integrate and heal. I feel for them that they will never really know true love.
It’s true, when you love a narcissist, you develop maternal feelings!
This was the most accurate account of exactly a NPD relationship. This man is amazing!!! Thank you so much for this.
A lot of so called experts and social media content on Narcissists steal and plagiarise his work. Sam Vaknin is the original expert in narcissist personality disorder
I always felt alienated by his idealisation , it felt like he didn’t “see” me. I would act like a jerk on purpose in effort to get him to respond to me honestly. That never worked , for that and many other reasons I left.
1. El narcisista siempre convive con objetos internos que no están separados de él. Por lo tanto, cualquier sentimiento es hacia sí mismo inclusive la atracción sexual es esencialmente autoerotismo
2. El narcisista sólo siente empatía cognitiva y no empatía emocional, condición indispensable para un sentimiento de amor sano.
3. El narcisista no puede conectar con emociones positivas como el amor porque inmediatamente la asocia con la vergüenza, abandono y dolor y lo llena de ansiedad anticipatoria. El amor no es un sentimiento seguro para él. Por lo tanto se protege de sentir emociones negativas no sintiendo las positivas
4. El narcisista tiene voces interiores que le dicen constantemente que es un objeto malo, por lo tanto no se considera digno de ser amado. Valida esas voces que por lo general son de origen de madre o padre, forzando a su partner a no amarlo, abusando de el, hasta que se canse y lo abandone. Catastrofiza la experiencia y se autocondena al fracaso.
5. El amor lo vuelve un ser común y necesitado como todos, lo cual atenta directamente contra su sentido de grandiosidad. Lo siente como un juego de poder, donde se percibe en inferioridad para competir y superar.
6. Internaliza cualquier relación como un reflejo materno y decide hacerle a su partner lo mismo que le hicieron a él, (pero que no le hace a su madre), esto es, rechazarla. Por supuesto, en compulsión de repetición
7. El narcisista entiende el amor de lis demás como algo transaccional, tiene que entregar algo cambio, así se lo han hecho entender, pues le condicionaron el merecimiento de ser amado a ciertos logros o esfuerzos. Y entiende que si lo amas es porque algo requieres de él. Entiende el amor como un elemento de manipulación.
8. Lo que el narcisista mal etiqueta como amor es una adictiva fantasía compartida donde idealiza a su partner y se idealiza a sí mismo. Ese ha sido y es su gran refugio ante la realidad de la cual está divorciado.
9. El narcisista no tiene una relación contigo sino consigo mismo. Como el se percibe a sí mismo como un objeto malo, tarde o temprano tú también lo serás y eso le dará legitimidad para descartarte. No hay ningún esfuerzo que puedas hacer para evitar el descarte. Eres como un objeto terapéutico para él que cumple una función y culmina.
Thank you for the summary very well explained 😊
Excelente, gracias por resumir
Partner = pareja
Thank you very much indeed for your kind effort. ! 🙏
thank you so much professor. you understand narcissists more than themselves 🤫🤫
My NPD spouse laughed when I gave him separation papers- he refused to let me leave. I waited, like a good trauma-bond, until he physically acted out, and I got a CPO. I almost didn’t file , though- because I was so conditioned to stay and allow his bad behavior!
But when he wouldn't let you leave didn't he make you feel like he couldn't let you go?..like he loved you too much?how did he convince u sto stay what actions made u see through it?
Fascinating, now I don't need to deal with the guilt, shame, or fear.
We’re 39 years in to our shared fantasy and halfway through the completion of it. Now my narcissist husband has a girlfriend. He’s literally throwing away our dream: that’s BEING BUILT as we speak, for another woman. I told him I hope she’s worth it. He’ll be paying me 1/2 of the value of the land and house, and all of my funds I’ve invested in the project WITH INTEREST. A very large sum (to me). I truly hope she’s worth it!! She must be made of gold. In this episode you don’t seem to be talking about “covert” narcissism, which mine is. But I see many similarities.
In my experience if he's truly a narc, he will find a way NOT to pay you. If he's a covert he will covertly try to make u too hurt/ill/weak to fight. Or somehow make u pay for things you shouldn't have to. So be very strong and do not let any mind games cheat u out of ur money!
He knows soo much about narcissists
he has NPD i believe
Excellent presentation, thank you Sam and Daria. In my estimation this is the only video anyone in a relationship with one of those shapeshifters needs to hear.
It's sooo tragic 😔😣😢
U know what's sad her face more towards the end because, she's still in disbelief! Me too . . . how was it ALL FAKE!
Excellent. Thanks you very much
Daria you are just gorgeous. It is easy to tell you have been hurt badly just by your tone of voice
I feel pain to listen to this , but it is very enlightening , thank you for sharing with us Professor
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
It's a delight to listen to Prof. Sam Vaknin 🙂
👍
Thank you Professor your content described my relationship with the narcissist to a tee! The first date criticised my clothes, chose the restaurant, declined to go to one I booked. Sat at the table joking about matches he’d got on tinder and genuinely looked shocked when I just gave him a look of disbelief! He began devaluing from day one, very subtle, as a joke. Always targeted my clothes, I now know because I love fashion. The relationship was on/off for 18 months. I was 50 and knew something was off. The last discard was on my birthday. He tried to come back 2 weeks later (over Xmas period) ghosted me the whole Xmas period when we should have been together. He came back on NYD and I rejected him and been no contact over 2 years. He did hoover, then tried blackmail, then a letter, then triangulation with a new partner who didn’t last long. I’ve stayed silent and still in recovery. Your content was the first content back when I first separated from him, that made me to begin to understand what had happened. Only now all this time later and watching more of your content, do I now know the reasons and exactly what I experienced. It’s still not easy, but I’m getting stronger each day . 💙
Thank you so much ,such a valuable lesson .
When you refer to the narcissist manipulating you, such as telling you where you are going to eat, can you speak to the other way of manipulating where they “seem” to with the flow, let you make decisions and act like it doesn’t matter to you, and they seem much more covert.
Thank you so much for this validation.
Those words are apsolutly fantastic. Bravo
Thank you for uploading all these helpful information dear Sir !
Thank you!❤
Mr. Vaknin, you 100% described the 7 year experience I had with my ex partner. Even my therapist didn't understand it this well and she was the one who told me I was with an NDP person. Thank you.
I really appreciate this video, thanks for making sense.
Thank you 🙏
A must watch!
Excellent description and explanation. Very helpful. 🙏🏻
Thank you for this explanation, it really makes sense of it all and has helped give me closure.
An especially informative interview... THANK you. This covered MANY questions I had. I so appreciate Dr. V's willingness to be REAL. and transparent!
Thank you for this. 😔
Thank you sir!
Highly intelligent breakdown of narcissist personality traits - thank you !
THANK YOU.
Thank you :)
Thank you for this fruitful collaboration!
I'm not accessible because I'm terrified of being the same as everyone and having human vulnerabilities. What they don't ever 'get' is that healthy people see that about them. It's too terrifying for them to become aware and conscious of that because they haven't developed the inner strength.
I think this guy understands an object relations and analytic view of it. And too me it's the only way to fully understand narcissism.
Dziękuję Daria , thank you profesor Sam 😊💚
Thank you 🙏❤
Super n deep analysis
thank you very much
Thank you for this interview! It is very deep and meaningful.
I've spend my half life in theraphy because of my two narcissistic parents...and of course some of my narcisisstic relationships...
I learn narcisissm for a long time...and I thought i understand almost everything about them.
But this interview gives me new "lightbulb" feelings!
Thank you so much! 🙏
Damn this was accurate, truly impressive!!! I couldn‘t explain my 4year Relationship better than he 😅 How it is Even possible that it seems that all Narcs are like the „same“????
Truly that amazed me also. When I realized my narc partner had 18 out of 18 characteristics of a narcissist I was in shock. . How can they all be like that?! Weird!
Dark spirits were allowed in...
It's because it's instinctive for a traumatised child to create a false reality. We are are genetically all similar, so those hard-wired responses in infancy are pretty much the same in everyone.
Just like all kidney patients or headache sufferers (for example) have similar symptoms so people with personality disorders have similar‘symptoms’ (traits). That is why they all portray similar behavior.
Dziękuję Pani Dario i profesorowi, warto słuchać i się edukować. Bardzo pomagacie. Proszę tak trzymać. Wszystkiego dobrego💙💙
Is this why my son's father is preoccupied with having an "alpha male" identity? He is fearful of being like everyone else and also believeshe is better than everyone. It's his excuse for everything but his understanding of an alpha male is way off. He is very misogynistic. There are so many elements overlapping its confusing.
Hey sam some people will try to shut you up to hide the truth that you and other grate people speak but keep up the good work i personally have alot of respect, admiration and love for the work that you do nonetheless have a great day sam
My God, you are brilliant.
100% - correct. It makes sense 100% Thank you.
Very good 👍
❤🎉Great info!
😊
Daria ❤❤ I love You !! My favourites ! With prof Sam ❤
Masterpiece
Thank you for educating us ❤
So accurate. I finally realized with a NPD sibling, it didn’t make any difference what I did .. the diminishment and exclusion continued and escalated. I was caught in the fantasy of having a close relationship, after all , we had the same mother. When I couldn’t tolerate any more, I set boundaries and of course she played victim. It took distancing to clear the delusional gaslighting and time to accept the truth. I grieved and reparented myself with unconditional love and nurturing in the way I wish my mother had with me. First, love the one you are with…you.
Благодарю 🙏🏼
Excellent summary,
( May „God“ protect you both)
Exactly.
My husband is a narcissist. Withdrawn cold and absent The man tries really hard. He takes a parenting course, attends 1to 1 psychotherapy group pscyhotherapies... However, it's brutal that he can't see, he can't empathically conclude things. It's much better and you can see the progress, but it's very difficult. It looks like he's learning to feel... It sounds crazy, but it's true
So, than it is good that he is learning to feel, there is hope!
How he was doing that?
Is it self reflection? Looking inside?
A guy whom I meet professionally, called me up 10 years later, spoke about the spark between us, etc etc. He knew when we first meet I had a crush on him. I was incredulous to his advances, but then my heart opened and I found myself open to reciprocation. The moment this happened he pulled back and told me he is a mirror. Now he cut communication, but is there a term for someone who will say anything you feel about him, is just a reflection of yourself?
Mirroring.
He enjoyed the supply and admiration from you and as soon as he got it, he was uninterested. Typical narc behavior. Of course you did nothing wrong. They just thrive on receiving love but not giving any in the long run. We have to keep going and be strong.
Wow that's all I can say!
Professor where is your favorite Mini mouse cup? Haha thank you so much for giving back our lost self respect
Right on point
Love = Loss for the narcissist. Whereas real love is a gain, because in love we can grow. It may involve loss but it always gives substance to a person.
Yes.
Great 👍 ❤
I find on my ex expresion of contempt and just didnt make sense. Anger was my reaction, actutly rage. But how narc.act with pet, dog or cat?
Hi! Any chance of hosting prof. Sam in Gdańsk for a seminar? Sadly, the one that was announced in 2023 was cancelled. I was/am very eager to participate...
I'll tell you, I liked your suggestion that "narcissism," is more like a teenage stage of development people get stuck in and not a "disease;" that, at least, affords a man some hope of growing out of it.
it's an old expression, meaning, "me."@@backwatersandbackroads
I am unsure what to do or who to turn to. This is a case of high level NPD in my opinion as a scientist. Let us call him J. J is psychologically violent with his son (I have witnessed the son banging his head on the wall subsequent to something horrid his father J had told him, and J accused the woman he was then abusing for his son's anguish. J managed in a court case to make the mother of the son appear as violent : the court psychologists diagnosed her as suffering from Munchhausen by proxy. J has told everyone that she used to beat him (the father), that he is a battered man : it sounded bizarre given he is a very muscular man, a former high level athlete of France, and could with one hand stop a woman who is petite. As a result she has lost parental rights. In fact I now know it was J who used to do the beating. This was long before I met J. There is nothing apparently one can do in France as there is no way of getting police protection or of anonymously contacting child protection. I am afraid he could be violent with me.
J now lives with a new victim, who appears to be completely oblivious of anything (a single mother without much means to support herself, 20 years younger than him, he is 61, and appears to not care of the violence against his son, and now also her own son).
There are 13 other past victims. But the problem is the son : I have witnessed many violence against him, and its traumatising. J wont let me get near him anymore as I tried telling him. I have faced J's violence since then and I can tell you its traumatizing. The society around him turns a blind eye, even though others have said the son indeed has behavioural problems, they also have witnessed things. But no one is willing to come forward and help the child.
Its almost like the case in psycho which you describe : J has a mother aged around 86, who manipulates him. He never managed to leave her : all his life, and even now, J has lived 700m from her and his father. The mother of his own child accused him (J) and the mother of J of violence against the child, but she was not believed.
As far as I could gather from other persons, J was abused as a child : what you describe as absent mother. J's mother was beaten by J's father (who died recently : big funerals, lots of people, they're very integrated in society. And J as an infant became her saviour. He still is at her beck and call. She manipulates him. She only opens her mouth to ask him to do something. You'd think she was angel, a very respectable woman, afraid of her son J, but its rather the opposite. J's father alternated between locking him up in a cupboard and showing excessive love when he was an infant. J does not remember any of this. And as a consequence he despises women.
Actually he has called his present victim a prostitute to her face, but nonetheless she has returned to him, and all she wants is be with him.
Obviously in public he does great public charity, and considers himself a good person : We managed to get in touch with him anonymously to make him talk. At the time he was abusing someone else, and telling us he was a good person. No one sane goes round saying they are a good person. He is literally dangerous. Apparently he is even allowed to work with suicidal people to help them.
I have a narcissist coworker that has a very close relationship with his sister. It appears that he loves his sister. Is this possible? Or perhaps thy are just close due to an abusive childhood.
This is the same as my mum and her younger sister. She treats her well and seems to love her
The narcissist's shared fantasy and codependency. Even then, what you see isn't always what is...people with NPD love no one.
Can you explain the massive correlation between SSRI use and "Narcissistic" disorder? I believe I have observed 2 non narcissists become extreme covert narcissists after SSRI use. Is this a known phenomenon? I'm quite convinced the vast prevalence of Narcissistic type of personality disorders is a symptom of the over prescription of psychiatric medication. I know there does exist true narcissists that are that way since childhood, my sister is one in my opinion, but it seems the side effects of particularly SSRIs can cause similar behaviours to true narcissists. A video discussing this would be highly interesting as you seem very knowledgeable on this subject.
Search the channel for "depressant".
Flat affect...
My husband told me, if I could only treat him the same way I treat our dog, he would be the happiest man in the world. I can't treat my husband the way I treat my dog, because he is not a dog. Right!
In terms of parent child relationship; is the discard phase the same as in the romantic relationship? Does NPD parent discard his own child the same way he discards his/hers romantic partner? What are the dynamics? Considering NPD parent is responsible for his/hers own child, at least until the child becomes adult.
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
Definitely. Usually around puberty when the child becomes their own person with their own ideas.
Hi Professor Vaknin, May I have your email address to ask you a question about the narcissist I was involved with? ❤
Do/can Narcissists cry? If so, what does it represent?
Search the channel for “cry”.
Mine cried a looooot. Covert hypersensitive narc with bouts of rage against everyone (except me, because I was his supply). I fell for his tears which mistook for tenderness but now that he is dumping me all of a sudden by ghosting me, I see he was creating all this drama to get more attention and love, play the victim and state that he is sooo fragile and vulnerable that he is the only one who can get hurt so he can't make any changes or sacrifices for you and make the relationship more serious. But your emotions have no validity for them whatsover. They only love/hate themselves to the extreme.
@@joannaheart8167Sam has described N’s as permanent two year old toddlers in adult bodies…so crying fits…
Narcissis can't love because they can't feel. Feel for them.
As a former codependent narc (multiple personalities ) i hated myself so i hated others .but i had Extreme Borderline & total codependency i d attach & treat the pple i was attached to fine (but they were narc too) .i smt treated them decent enough but i had multiple personalities so i m PROB my others personality were treating them nice .anyways narcissism was one the easiest illnesses to heal for me , took me only 3-4 yrs of meditation ,,no teacher (but i was a Buddhist in pst so i was familiar with 🧘♂️ ).in me was a copying mechanism to mimic & survive my blood relatives that were very dangerous narcs .so yeas narcissism is 💯 heal able & NO i did NOT wanna heal it but i wanted to improve my health so yeah .glad it's gone anyways
Since you are on the road of Enlightenment can you Find Jesus Christ, follow his values?
If you become a child again in the relationship with the narcissist; can your experiences in the relationship change your personality the way your childhood shaped your personality ?
No. Search the shared fantasy and the From Child to Narcissist playlists.
2 questions please if you could answer...
Is the narcissist aware of all these mechanisms and reasons for his behaviour?
Will it help him change if he watches this content?
Search the channel for “aware”.
its all the thing they projected and their visions actually getting into the bones and the self care one needs seems like what they just got out of, that you are becomingjust LIKE THEM self absorbed...
What if he continuously devalues but remains deeply attached and does not want to discard you?
can you give us more info on the Crime person on trial? andrew tate? can i have a session around a family member?
I wish I didn‘t know that much about npd because fact is I do think I love him, and he is more than npd. Now he’s collapsing because I have tried my everything and now I’m giving up. He says he realised so much but I know I can’t take him back because I know his narcissistic defenses will come back.. it will take years, but I know that he will find his true self and find a way to live with real life. I know it will happen, won‘t wait for it tho. I hope one day you find peace within yourself my ex lover 💚
In the Depths of a Stare
In the realm of shadows, where whispers dwell,
Lies a fortress, a guardian of a silent hell.
A cold, blank stare, a shield, a spear,
Guarding a void where no light dares to peer.
A realm of emptiness, vast and wide,
Where echoes of an unspoken past hide.
Criticism, a blade that cuts so deep,
Awakens the beast from its haunted sleep.
With a stare as cold as the winter's frost,
Defending a kingdom that's already lost.
A primal cry from the depths of fear,
A battle to hold what's left so dear.
The void trembles, the darkness stirs,
A survival instinct, primitive, it confers.
A shield raised in the silence of night,
A desperate grasp for semblance, for light.
The danger, a two-edged sword, it wields,
In the space where empathy yields.
To the observer, a chilling sight,
To the narcissist, a perpetual fight.
Yet, in this darkened lens, we see,
A call to empathy, to set the spirit free.
A reminder of the fragile thread,
That binds the living to the dread.
For in the stare, a story untold,
Of a heart that's become so cold.
A plea for understanding, for a gentle hand,
To guide them back from the shadowed land.
So listen, listen to the silent scream,
Hidden beneath the stare, the dream.
A call from the depths, so dark, so deep,
For connection, for peace, a soul to keep.
by M.Foissner
Well-said. Thank you for sharing.
@@samvaknin thank you! Your feedback is very appreciated 😁
I dated someone who I believe was a somatic narcissist for 3 years but we did have sex regularly throughout the relationship. Does this mean he was not a narcissist at all? All of the other characteristics you give in your videos fit him perfectly though
Somatic narcissists have regular sex. Most of them are into kink and fantasies of incest or worse.
8:45 🎯
How do you heal ?? from a long relationship with a husband like this...when you cant stop feeling sorry for the pain they are in ? Why dont they look like they are in pain?? They just show anger and all those other emotions. If we knew they were in pain..we would help.
I think they get nurtured by self hatred and hate in general. I don't know whether I should feel sorry for him or not. He said horrible, just horrible things about people close to him, dreaming of tormenting and even killing some. Yet to me he was the sweetest and kindest person on earth just because I loved and admired him, I was the supply. Now that he is ghosting me out of the blue (blames others for the situation he's in), I can see more clearly. Yes, their mind must be a total mess. I am the empath of course who thought he could change. I feel sorry I trusted yet another narc even though I saw the red flags. They need therapy but I am not optimistic. I tried to help but he just wouldn't listen. We have to move on... Keep strong!!!
Maybe it is not interesting if they can love as long you can love them😅 why to expect mutuality ? If you do not expect to be repaid you can love unimpaired❤
Why do they hate their mother?
Some hate and some don't. They just cannot separate from her.
But then it’s normal. If they were traumatised…it’s normal they don’t want to love anyone.