But the narcissist says they LOVE ME
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- čas přidán 4. 09. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Words are meaningless without actions to back them up.
Absolutely correct.
Sometimes even actions are not enough. My ex lied to me so much and so often that it became impossible for me to trust him again. He tried proving to me for a few months that he had corrected a problematic behavior. I just couldn't believe that he was honest. I still have no idea if he was honest about it or not. The damage could not be undone.
My narcissist used to say something like that. How ironic, huh?
THEY LIE. ALL the time! End of story.
'EVERYTHING he says is a lie' - my new recovery song.
You know who we are talkin' about here.
Yes they do my narc lied and abused me and had the nerve to text me 1 day and said i was an abusive liar.
When a narcissist says "I love you", what they mean is: I love how you make me feel about myself.
And keep the supply going !
💯
Or they’re ready for a so called romantic encounter
or they are saying that you were "useful".
I have BPD and I feel this way sometimes. Deep down I do have genuine affection for the person, but i’m not sure I can call it love.
"I love you is not a magic eraser" ! Awesome.
So true 👍
Perfect!!
To me this is quote is beautiful……
“Most survivors of narcissistic abuse would be fine with never hearing throw away phrases like I love you again If they could only be treated in a consistent, empathic, safe, and loving way “
Actions speak louder than words. If some one doesn't have your back then their words are meaningless.
I would also add that acknowledging this followed by lack of consistency/ change is also pointless
All for show. They want to look "normal"... when they are far from it.
If only my sister were to understand that saying as well as you. It literally used to be her catchphrase, but after a point, she seemed to realize that it was hurting her case.
To love is an action, not a string of words.
Wise words.
When a narcissist says I love you he/she means I love to use you.
So true!
The sad part is when you experienced this kind of behaviour that you become suspicious when people telling sweet things to you 😢
I know what you mean I'm always in shock when some one is genuinely nice and sweet to me, even when a stranger kindly helps me on the street
I usually get, "So, what's your angle"...as if you're up to something..
I usually just say/answer, "Pythagorean". The look on their faces lol!
I will focus on the actions in future. (But I don´t want to put a GPS sender in people. Because one have to look behind the back... It´s not that easy). But yeah I won´t give anything about words anymore ... People can say a lot when the day is long...
“How much maltreatment does a person need to endure before they recognize that the cruelty always outweighs the l love you?” Apparently 20 years, based on my experience 🤣
Not so funny though, but hopefully you have way more years, of course way happier, to come ❤
I’m preparing to leave after 6.5 years. I tried to end it the other night and got the classic “you’re just too sensitive, yadda yadda yadda…” He cried (kind of) and told me how much he “loves” me. I felt bad. Long story short, we did not break up. To resolve the emotional conversation, he suggested we list the things we love about each other (the lovebombing commenced, I’m ashamed to say I fell for it). At the end of giving a long list of things he loves about me, most of which were based on my physical appearance, he said, “So I guess all the good outweighs the bad”. I nodded but I wanted to scream that love is not quantitative, it’s qualitative - and a laundry list of beloved attributes can be vastly outweighed by a single act of cruelty - which, in our case, it is. I am now prepared to go in again and try to end it! Wish me luck. Sending you healing energies and the best for the future
I don't remember when exactly it started for me but I think it was approximately 13 years, give or take.
💯
For me, 30 years. Except that it's with my narcissistic family.
You have a better chance of electing a politician who will actually lower taxes than meeting a narcissist who genuinely loves you.
😂😂...right!
Brilliant 😂
Or seeing God in front of you rather than expecting narcissists love you.
lol how true
🏆
Saying one thing while doing another is a hallmark of toxic people. It drives you nuts!
My sister-in-law can go off on a word salad of criticism against me and in the next breath say she loves me and she's so happy I am part of the family. Wacko!
Sounds like she loves having you as someone she can beat on.
I can completely relate! I didn't know that until recently though. I had years worth of built-up critisism piled on me (by step MIL) out of nowhere. It was quite hurtful and blindsiding to me/us. Of course, we heard how much she cared and loved us after the lecture though. True colors came out for sure and now, my eyes are open. She loves us so much she hasn't contacted us in over a year now. I think it is because we drew boundaries and didn't just accept her excuses for her behavior.
Talk is cheap. Show me you love me not by doing something ‘nice’ but by how you treat me when we don’t agree.
Normal person says "I love you": I cherish you and want the best for you.
Narcissist: I desire your supply, for me.
Action speaks louder than words. Instability or constant shifting of behavior is red flag and a go ahead to RUN.
This message has brought tears to my eyes. I hear these words “I Love You,” from my husband too much, that it means nothing more than words.
Once my settlement from an auto accident finalizes, I’m moving out.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
Definitely had to learn words mean nothing without action. Very manipulative, for their own personal gain.
“I love me, and now you are perfect supply”. Wow - well said!
I love how you love me. Hum. Someone gets left out, huh?
"I love you is not a magic eraser." Thank you for that, Doctor Ramani.
You just described my husband to a tee and when he tells me he loves me I feel nothing cause I know he really doesn’t, the hurt is just too deep 😢 it’s all control for him
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
he said he loved me. he showed me he hated me.
Narcissists are either telling you, how much they love you or how much they hate you.
Or they say they love you and act like they hate you… what a confusing message!!!! 😢
@@youngblood8540 🎯💯
True
@@elizabethcurran-xf7sn Yes!
@@youngblood8540 yup!!! Just like everything they say… “
I love like you can’t imagine “… I hate you and I told my new gf that I don’t love you and never did!
And the Holy Grail of feelings we'll never hear from a narc... "I *respect* you."
My Mom hurt me with her words and anger rage fits. I internalized it all and started lashing out when I was in my mid teens. This has followed me through my adult life subconsciously playing out as me as my mom and my partner as me. It's disgusting behavior but automatic for me because it was so frequent as a child. At 53 I am now just beginning to feel separate from my mom/childhood. For some reason I felt like I was dishonoring my mom if I resisted these rage fits. I have ruined so many relationships because I've acted mean. I am not my mom who used I love you to ok her bad behavior. Fun times. So thankful for you Dr. RAMANI.❤
Wow! Your courage to look within and become self-aware is beautiful. Much respect.
I understand this .. I pretty much quit dating in my 30s because I was such a B! Turned out it was the hatred towards my narc father.
I totally relate to this. I'm 57, never married, have dated a string of narcs (1-3 yrs each), have a narc father & brother (my bro & I had a falling out 25 yrs ago), and a codependent mother w/ narc tendencies. My mom can be super kind/loving or snap into a fit of anger and say horrible, condescending things to me. She just did this last week and I hung up on her. As usual, *I'm* the bad guy now. I also instantly lash out at others when I feel triggered/wronged. It's a hard instinct to break and I haven't dated in nearly 5 yrs bc I feel better/safer being alone.
His use of the words "I love you" was only filler to cement his source of supply. But, His greatest love was ever only about....... Me, myself and I. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Don't fall for the "soulmate" fallacy. Runner-chaser dynamics are a form of a trauma bond.
Ugh. Runner chaser bs, "twin flame"... 🤮
This ultimately falls into the ultimate issue as a victim of narcissism: what is real and what is not.
As a victim, who is now in the process of separating, this is the biggest challenge.. was the "I love you" ever real in any sense. Maybe it was once.. maybe it was at some points in the last 12 years of marriage.. but as you say, it doesn't erase all of the hurt, the lies, the abuse (physical and emotional) and most importantly, the effect it is having on the kids.
When your 7 year old says he hates his life and wants to self harm, it's just not acceptable, hence I am separating.
I am so glad you are getting away. For me it was at the age of 4 that I didn't want to be here. He has probably been feeling this way for a while. Thankfully, you are in the process of making him feel safe. That is so important for him. Be sure to learn everything you can about parent alienation too.
Their love is like burden. We want so much to just shrug and let it go..
the endgame of a narcissist's idea of "love and loyalty", is how much abuse the other person can take.
how much supply can the other person provide.
how much unconditional obedience can be given.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I love you..For the Narc victim, this goes back to their dysfunctional family of origin..when our narc parents said this too, but treated us badly most of the time..the victim tries harder (forgives) over and over. im a narc magnet.
When you put firm boudaries you wont be💜
Two of my siblings don't acknowledge or honor boundaries. Haven't interacted with one of them for decades and am on third try with the other one after forgiving that one. The one I forgave did it again, then when they texted to inquire about why I wasn't in social media for a while they said at the end "I still love you" @@northstar5919
The saddest thing is remembering that in 12 years, he never told me he loved me, not even when I said it to him.😢
One of the biggest red flags that took me forever to see. My ex was only ever affectionate to me around other people, family/friends, or right after sex. She wasn't even affectionate when she initiated sex, it was always more forceful and lusting than loving.
The rest of the time I was either ignored, demeaned, or raged at.
Oh my gosh, same! One time last year, as he was putting his clothes on after sex, he said: “See? That’s all you have to do if you want me to be nice to you.” I was appalled but said nothing. The incredible thing is that the abuse was THAT blatant but I was so blind I couldn’t see it, I just thought it was normal. I started having sex with him even when I didn’t want to, just so I could have an easier and more peaceful life. In writing this, I don’t even feel pain. I just feel numb. Months later, I brought up this incident and said how deeply it had hurt me. He said it was just a joke.
They dont love you or care about you. They are incapable of loving. There words are different from there actions. Otherwise, they wouldn't treat you so badly . It's just a over used word to manipulate you and to gaslight you. And to keep you in the loop of confusion. I know i have gone through it all. With physical and verbal abuse as well . And it gets worse with years and with their age.. .. he has ruined my life . 😳
My ex, female covert narcissist/sociopath professed her over the top, undying, incomparable love every day. Got me at least one Hallmark card a week and always added a paragraph of her own. Got mad when I finally asked her to stop. All the while, she was smearing me behind my back to anyone with ears, cheating on me, forging major documents on me, and committing felony identity theft on me to acquire credit cards in my name. A true wolf in sheep’s clothing !
Yeah that’s another level
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Yes and love doesn't ignore you, pay you no attention. have nothing to say to you, live a unilateral life but expects you to fill them up with emotional fuel by being perplexed and distressed by their omissions. Omissions are as bad as full on abuse.
@@bobbyoldsmith9425 Could you please elaborate on this point "Omissions are as bad as full on abuse", sounds interesting
I usually interpret a narcissist’s “I love you” as “I love me through you.” They are empty and need others to regulate and others are an extension of themselves. It is a self-loathing personality style so it stands to reason if they want their warped version of love, they have to boomerang it off of someone else.
With my narc I have learned that they love what you can do for them, or what they can do to you.
So true that actions speak louder than words. It’s maddening how the enablers don’t understand that. I can’t stand how they expect me to just pretend nothing happened. Saying I love you after treating me poorly doesn’t make it better. Prioritizing my health and safety. Giving myself the real love that they don’t. ❤Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Omg that part! Actions are not enough! It is the consistency! Because it’s actually extremely painful for someone to go back and forth on how they treat you! Like the rug is always being pulled out from under you. Spot on as always 🙏
Brilliant. The way a Narcissist views saying I Love You is not the same as you view it. "Someone saying that they Love You is not an eraser, and it is not an apology, and it is not taking accountability, and it doesn't make the other stuff OK. It is often a manipulation."
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
Briliantly analysed dr Ramani. The words I love you coming from a narcissist are manipulation and cause cognitive dissonance and are another nail in the trauma bond coffin. Thank you.
My ex definitely had me confused. He did a lot of things that would resemble someone who loves you. Told me he loved me and I was very affectionate and was there for me. Then over time, the hurtful things creeped in repeatedly and it just didn’t make sense. My eyes were eventually opened and I saw right through him.
As a dyslexic person, I have been trying to say "words mean nothing" all my life, especially to my narcissistic mom (who was an English teacher) (I was adopted). I think I'm a truth teller, bc I could see the BS all my life. I saw the actions and heard the words and they didn't fool me. Then I was punished of course.. Thank you 👍❤❤❤
How does a host recognize a parasite?
When someone's words and actions do not match up, believe the actions.... and by actions I don't mean flowers or presents. I mean not raging, not blaming, and not invalidating.
I am learning that I actually fell in love with myself because the narc was mirroring the love I showed her.
The narcissist loved what I did for her, nurturing, understanding, patience, and compassion.
I confused chemistry for compatibility.
So true ! And when I counter to the narcissist that words means little, he’ll come back with after all I do for you- like buying tickets for a festival or making some meals- ! Isn’t that loving you!? He doesn’t acknowledge all the dismissiveness , all the criticisms, all the comparisons, all the flirting and excuses. He says he loves me but doesn’t show it in the way I want and need.
Love is a behavior… not a word!
Oh! How many times I
have said”
Love is an action word!!! Glad to be away from
That one!
My ex said 'I love you', while courting my best friend at the time behind my back... the very next day I found it, there was a broke up and all the rage coming from their part for being found out... Just show how much shallow those words were...
I am very careful nowadays with statements that carry this much weight...
I love what you have to give me-its not love.
"I value you and show it" - its better
"The words I love you became a turn off after a narcissistic relationship" WOW, that's something I never had the guts to admit but it's very true. I didn't want to admit I hated it when "people loved me", when it's not the feeling that people get, it's the words I hear that bother me
When spoken by a narcissist, "I love you" is as meaningless and utilitarian as when they say "I'm sorry". Narcissists believe that they can use either of these two phrases as a magic eraser, and they will not begin to treat others with respect or even humanity whether or not they say these phrases.
After a loooong relationship with a narcissist (highly abusive, malignant one) I couldn't thought of saying "I love you" to my new partner due to how abusive and manipulative I thought that sentence was. It was awful how the narcissist poisoned even vocabulary (even my name was unpleasant to hear). It tok me months to understand and try to validate this simple sentence.
Don't worry about my partner, I did a Chandler Bing and now we are one of these annoying couples who say I love you non stop with silly voices.
The only ones I had to worry about, were the ones "SCREAMING I LOVE YOU!"
those words cause me so much emotional pain from people in my family at this point in my life…
they can say they love you on day and then forget (and shame you) the next day
but it works both ways i guess
"i love that you love me"
Thank you Dr Ramani! As someone who has worked in education as a behavior specialist for over 30 years. It frustrates me when team members push back about feeling "uncomfortable" when I express two things. Words are not actions, and a true apology is changed behavior. When this happens I encourage them to channel their energy and opinions into face to face involvement.
My ex-Narc husband was so giffted with romantic word manipulation, I lost my sense of direction. He was constantly online, "seeking supply" while telling me he loved me. For15 years! What a waste of time! The end came when he proudly announced, "I'm in love with another woman and she's in love with me!"
I am sorry you got hurt. 😒 I've got hurt too and for many years, too, which was physically and verbally and mentally abused from my narc husband . I hate him.
We don't deserve this treatment . Or this pain or lies . Or not feeling that we don't matter. We all matter. sending you hugs and healing when you find the strength to do that in time . X 💗
The narcissist says lots of things they don’t mean or are outright lies. Their words and actions don’t match. Once I could see this I couldn’t not see it any longer. I called him out on it and he discarded me.
He said he loved me then later told me there was nothing between us. As words alone, I love you means nothing.
Love is an involuntary need for the well-being of an other. 🌻
Actions speak louder then words
I grew up with my mother telling me she loved me. It turned out, she actually never wanted me or loved me. My dad used to tell me, "Don't listen to the words of people, but watch their actions and you will learn the truth." To bad I didn't apply this knowledge to my mother.
This is getting me confused every single time... It's easy to feed me breadcrumbs while telling me all the right words. Why is that?
You learnt a pattern from a parent or someone.
That's the trauma bond. They say words, they give you the breadcrumbs, and then you settle down because you think everything is okay. Then the cycle repeats, again and again and again.
This was me my whole life. I was stuck in the fantasy of the word love and family. No longer. In fact, I feel nauseous when I hear someone use these words. They no longer have value to me. Words with actions and consistency is how I view a person, regardless who they are, no exceptions
Words are meaningless unless supported by action. Period. Repeat.
Beautiful! At 67 and supply without the knowledge of why I fear humans the way I have in my personal and sometimes professional life, now to move to higher ground, grounding me with all of you healing too. Softening in my strength to heal what was never mine to tolerate and make ok for them. Unconditionally loving and leaving or staying, I am free.
When my ex said I love you to me after 3 months in our relationship it was natural and I didn’t say it back. Yet, similar phrase of “you are my best friend”, while I was realizing his narcissistic traits, not playing into it, and pulling away, were used. The worst thing was when I heard this again during the break up talk. Don’t be fooled by their desire for sympathy as a means of pulling you back in. In addition claims of maturity. Because when he asked what he could do better and I when I pointed out his narcissistic traits he threw back to me “I think I need a more mature communicator”. After that I didn’t say anything and knew I made the right choice.
Dr. Ramani, your videos are WONDERFUL. I know that, whichever one I watch, I'll feel understood and validated and go away better able to manage the narcissist in my life. You're a Godsend!
Why do they do that, say that? To get "something", to get what they want, need, to pamper their ego
its like they know they fxcked up, and they come up with all those pretty words to clean their image,
Heartfelt, once again, Dr. Ramini with your ongoing guidance of Narcissism. It is such a complexity of personality disorder especially in the Covert arena & alcoholic. Your right we are just *an object in the background...... ☮️✌️
It took all my life to where I am now in my 30s to realise that it wasn't just my late mother who was 'unhealthy' - yes she had rhuematic heart disease and other health conditions which she weaponised against me - but just a year after her passing, I learnt quickly and very painfully her sister and other relatives where just as emotionally and pyschologically unhealthy and dysfunctional....and they were more ' well-bodied'.....
It's been 3 years going full no contact, moved back to my hown town, and a very bumpy ride, but I'd still prefer to be where I am now with good and bad that I'm facing on my own, than spend another minute with such shallow and manipulative individuals.
Great insights Doc! I can relate this to such painful experience with my ex. He used to say "but I love you so much" specially as he realized that I wanted to leave. And these words weren't a "magic eraser" anymore. Many thanks 🙏🏻🌠
They love me. They do everything in relationship and love me, while I don't do much. I dare say people in these type of relationships do a lot just by tolerating their abusive behavior. It's hard to believe someone loves you if they leave you in pain and when you have to go to the doctor they don't go with you. I know he/she is bad, ruthless, but he/she loves me and puts up with me. It's triggering to listen to these videos, but at the same time it's healing.
I am reading and listening to Dr Remini's book It' s Not You. It is so well written and super helpful. The way she reads it is wonderful. So full of empathy and compassion in her voice. Thank you Dr Ramini.
Me too! LOVED IT! I’m on my second listen of the audio book and have bought a carbon copy so I can annotate it. I feel better already!
Just got off the phone and after being hoovered countless times not wanting to accept, giving 100's of chances have ended this abusive relationship. I have blocked. Have done it before, 3 yrs. I pray for the strength to keep my resolve. It is all words, as Dr. R says. There is no action behind the words...heartbreaking I have wasted so much time and it goes around and around. Thanks Dr R for your videos and your help. Gotta take care of me, now and not feel bad that I am choosing ME.
Sibling did it again after me finally starting to try to trust them since the last time, then at the very end tacks on "I still love you." Via text...
Dr Ramani. I wish I could express to you how your videos have impacted my life. I have been struggling beyond what I would have thought possible for three years and the sense of loss and hurt I’ve been dealing with has been literally overwhelming. I had no idea about narcissistic relationships. Had heard the word , but just brushed it off as the insult of the day. My jaw has been on the floor as I watch video after video of you explaining EXACTLY what I have experienced and did not know there was an explanation. I don’t know if I can heal , or move on …. But if I can and do , it’ll be becasue you’ve totally opened my eyes to realize maybe I’m not totally nuts , the bad guy, or experiencing something no one would ever be able to understand even if I started tryin to explain it.
Thank you.
Sean
"Just wait till YOU get this sickness!" said my narcissistic grandmother.. everyday I lived in her house. But she would say "I love you" often so I guess that made her malice and hatred OK, right?
Actions speak louder than words. The word love to me means that you have something they want, could be just companionship or something more. Oh ok actions are not enough, sorry I was only a few mins in when I typed my comment. I had never realised and thought that actually actions might not be enough either. This is why I watch your videos to learn. "I see you" ♥
Saying I love you first doesn't give away "power" in a relationship. Love is most importantly a verb, actions. Being consistent is an action. If you automatically believe everything someone tells you, even if you really want to believe them, that's a you problem. Use your brain!!!
Thank you for this video!!! It may have snipped the remaining strings of my cognitive dissonance!
I must have known on some level that something didn’t add up, because a few months into the relationship, I played “More Than Words” by Extreme (I hope mentioning the song is allowed. I read the guidelines and thought it was ok.). He loved it and totally agreed with the sentiment behind it. But acted in such a hateful demeaning way, that four years later I was hiding in the house from him!
I had no idea that there was actually a person in the world as horrible as him! Even faking cancer to get me back, because that’s how my late husband died. He played on all my emotions.
But I’m healing. Thank God I’m healing!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. It’s life saving. ❤
Came to this video as a refresher after a difficult conversation with MN father. My accomplishments are mind games, I'm the "chosen one" (he abandoned for other children), no matter how much i didn't like it he raised me and he's a part of me... So on and so forth all because I'm tired of helping him with all his problems he creates for himself just for him to undo it all... He is impossible, he is toxic, i still love him bc he's my dad, it just makes me sad. I can live him and not talk to him bc his behavior is unacceptable and both are true. Thank you Dr. Ramini for speaking out and helping us, thank you to my mother for showing me your videos and always being there for me 💜
I'm not sure where I should send this. I just want to thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your content and books have saved my life. After 10 years of narc abuse in a marriage, prefaced by a life of the same abuse from my family, my body started to deteriorate. That's when I finally understood the extent of my suffering and I could no longer make excuses for my abusers. You've given me the terminology and definitions I needed to validate my reality. I praise God for the tenacity he instilled in you to spread this knowledge. Thank you so much for educating all of us 🙏❤️
Narcissistic LIE!
Being told words like I ❤you and then behaving the exact opposite is crazy making.
It was hard to accept that he was just saying what I wanted to hear. But that's it
Brilliant, on the button as ever, exactly my confusion. To be seen and respected would be just amazing. I don't want to hear about "love" again, ever.
I distinctly remember saying to my narc mate I love you- his answer- what is love? This is an example of “narc in a nutshell” 🤮
Love is what you say and what you don't say. Love is what you do and what you don't do.
These comments break my heart. I hope everyone heals from narcissistic abuse!
Soul-mate? I need to be my own soul-mate first. Which is the exact OPPOSITE of being narcissistic. It is self-education.
I’ve been going through this for over 20 years, may have been more. I’m 34 now and realising that my mum has never really loved me, but is still playing this game when she needs something or craves attention (very often after having hurt me terribly).
I’ve fallen into this trap many times over, but now I’m really trying hard not to. It hurts, because I need the love and think I deserve it. Coming to terms with it all being a lie hurts like hell.
Not what they say but what they show you
My X left me for a rebound guy after a few years together. She loved bombed and loved me once. Then she said, I appreciate you. Then came her flood of insecurities and manipulation. Then her emotional discard. I guess that was her love for me.
I wish I knew this 20 years ago! He would always always say “you know I love you” “I love you so much” after literally calling me stupid , brain damaged, and telling me “I dont know how to do anything” “I’m a child” … but oh “I love you” . Loved that day after day for 20 years. It kills your spirit. Ugh . I hate those words