Why INFJs Never Feel Seen
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- čas přidán 24. 01. 2024
- One of the biggest sources of distress for INFJ personality types in their lives is the feeling that they are never seen. This also happens frequently for INFP personality types. Both types report that they feel that they are not seen or accepted by family members, and that it is rare for them to find a friend who they feel truly sees them either. This causes such psychological distress for INFJs and INFPs because both types crave being seen, and also crave being accepted for who they truly are. It’s very important to INFJs and INFPs to feel authentic in their identity and expression with others, but this becomes difficult when we feel that others don’t actually understand who we are, or the way we operate as people.
The issue is complicated even more by the fact that most INFJs and INFPs are subconsciously terrified of being seen by others, because we fear that if someone sees our authentic self, they will reject us and we will end up outcasted by our family or friend group. Many INFJs and INFPs carry the mindset that mediocre relationships with others are better than no relationships at all, because we have never experienced anything else. So, we struggle with a constant conflict inside. We want desperately to drop the mask we’ve cultivated to protect ourselves from being seen for who we truly are, but at the same time we grip onto that mask out of fear of being rejected.
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It gets better since INFJs tend to be late bloomers. Once we reach a level of maturity (due to having a higher than average emotional intelligence which is the prerequisite to being the counselor type), some of us switch from having an external locus of control to an internal locus of control, and we stop seeking validations from others, our high EQ can do that for ourselves. What matters most to some of us is that we can "see" ourselves as who we are, that our life long inner journey gives us a sense of contentment. Then something magical happens, we start attracting more people to us with similar IQ and maturity levels.
It’s like a 1 way mirror. Others look at me, and I can reflect to them what they need and want. But they are looking at me through their own perception and don’t know me at all.
Bingo!
That is totally what it is like. Wow!
yes so many people ie ex friends have made untrue judgements about me over the years eg 'you're this, you're that' in an arrogant confident tone
So true.
True
I was in the middle of a checkout line with groceries, 2 customers in front & three behind me. The clerk finished with the person before me, then looked right past me, & began with the person behind me. That patron said, "Those are not my groceries." The employee said, "Oh" looked around & finally saw me. I had been facing her, standing directly in front of her the entire time. She never saw me. I believe regular people don't see us because they are not on our wavelength. You can be right there, & it doesn't register with them. 😮
DITTO!!
This is the only thing that makes sense.
They are blinded by the light.
Thanks for seeing me. Now I feel validated.
Yeah, really what's going on with people? I've had the same experience. It's like I'm not there. Maybe that's a good thing.
Yep
People pickup on others presence primarily by feeling the ego energy, but our ego is inward focused so they can’t feel it. It’s important to recognize that this aspect of our nature is actually advanced and only other intuitive people will notice us, and that’s ok.
You're so right! When I do let my guard down and talk about myself, either people tune me out (I literally make people sleepy when I talk about my life, and I'm pretty interesting IMO! LOL!), or I get people looking at me like I'm nuts or confused- like they just don't get what I'm saying. Then I get blamed for being hard to get to know. Gee...wonder why?
So frustrating. I experience that a lot. Its like you think youre really connecting with someone and right when you open your mouth and talk about you its like you arent even there. Its such an odd anomaly and at times very frustrating and hurtful. But the cool thing is were always on our own side and very strong, so we just let it go.
Your comment is so relatable! I make people sleepy as well. I consider myself pretty interesting too! Isn't it so weird how INFJ's have this problem with not being seen. I don't get it! I don't know how I could change it either.
@@mossandmirthvlog I think we are god's white blood cells. Meaning we are here to help others and not the other way around
Most people accept what is out there in the social world. We Ni users play an entirely different game. The acceptable for us is not what the outside world demands - man to look and behave a certain way, women to look and behave a certain way, every age goes with strict attributes, social status game everywhere in everything and all the repertoire. Is not just we seem strange, it's about that we can see out, above and beyond the box which threatens the people that are living inside the box. They can't imagine a different game and different rules and that's why they are blaming us that we almost don't tell anything about ourselfs. On one side they can't believe what we are actually telling them about us and on the other that's their way to soften the threat and guess what will happen if we stand on for what we have said - not good things friend, not good things.
LOL! My friends tell the same stories over and over. When I tell a story and I make sure mine are good and short, too, I get zero responses. I can only surmise they are envious😏 cause I have done more and been farther around the world than they have.
Infj and gen x. I sometimes doubt I exist 😂
Amen, sister!
*fist bump* to my fellow INFJ and Gen Xer
😊
Me too 🙃
Same lol
Damn. 🤦🏾♀️ Same
It was almost funny in my work. I’d hear the assistant say to a visitor, “No. Nobody’s here”, when I was still in the office. This happened all the time. I often feel there’s nobody I can really talk to even though I’m taking care of everyone else’s feelings. Now that I’m older I’m really searching out people who see me and it’s fabulous. I just don’t have the energy for one way relationships anymore.
Good for you 👏 Me too😊
That assistant might have been dissing you, there are a lot of bad people out there, who stonewall us due to the light we carry as empaths
Same
I've had multiple people approach me for what I thought was friendship but what they really wanted was me to listen and support them ie free therapy. If I try to share my own problems and get support back they look horrified and even get angry. It's been unpleasant and disconcerting. I don't keep people like that in my life now. I've also experienced feeling completely invisible and people walking into me, or people expecting me to always move on pavements. I find making eye contact helps reduce this but its draining that people do it in the first place.
Those people might be bullies messing with you, a stare down does help in those situations. I used to be shy, head down, low self esteem, and this would happen a lot. Chin up
People stare at me a lot in public, strangers acknowledge me and talk with me, because of our light. At the same time, in competitive situations or in abusive, environments, i get stonewalled
We carry light, they notice us and see the light. Darkness shrinks from the light. Someone refused to acknowledge you, that's probably a good thing
It’s like I’m Alice, lost in a world with people twisting my words, dismissing... being altogether out of tune
I refer to Alice when overwhelmed by my confusion about how people are and how they perceive me. My words have been used against me ad infinitum, or so it seems.
@@nancybartley4610 It is baffling to me too.
I think some people misunderstand on purpose to remain in an unfair position of power, while others just lack the maturity or discernment to understand.
I think it’s important to choose wisely who to talk to, so as to not exhaust ourselves.
@@MiroirSauvageon Yes, we should not so easily share our thoughts. But that, too, is isolating. I have gotten to the point of not trusting anyone.
@@nancybartley4610 It’s similar for me. Although it’s not that I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s more that at the moment, I’d rather be alone than gather the energy to seek out the right people. Therefore, I’m hibernating. Taking the time to grieve the connections I hoped for but didn’t get.
And I know that when my process is through, I’ll have not only the energy but also a great intuition to tell who to relate to. Plus, a sense of peace for having become so self-reliant too.
As for trust, I guess it could help to open up a little bit so as to test the person we’re talking to. See if they are receptive, respectful, helpful. And give out more only if they prove trustworthy.
But I’m just rambling.
@@MiroirSauvageon I don't think you are rambling, or if you want to see it that way, ok. It is through our words, written or spoken, rambling or coherent, that we work out our truths. More importantly, the people with whom we share our words hopefully will respect that we all are in the process of finding truth, personal or collective. It is how they treat my ramblings that is the ultimate test of my relationship with them. They don't have to agree with me, but if they have any kindness, they will receive me, not ostracize me. I, too, have to give them the same respect and kindness. So, please, ramble on.
INFJ here.
I call myself the "ghost woman" just because people look right through me and don't seem to notice that I am there.
I have this happen to me too. I'm also an INFJ. Why is this such a thing for us INFJ's? What could we possibly do to change it?
Their loss😜
@@mossandmirthvlogmiracles don’t happen anymore 😢
As much as i dont want a single damn soul in my life, because everyone lately drives me nuts, I do need connection. I live in my van and i work mostly by myself in a surveillance room, so i get a lot of that juicy alone time. Ive noticed i get a lot of my connection from day to day living. Whether it be at a store, gym or a park bench. I love chatting it up with new people.
Definitely true. When people ignore me I use my 'deep' voice then they notice.
😊
Yes, the ever effective "deep" voice. It's hilarious how people react to that. 😅
Playing my own songs in public is somewhat scary. I know I can get applause by playing a well known standard tune, but it's a risk to play something that exposes my true feelings, hoping it will resonate with an audience looking to be entertained. I also have the double whammy of being the smartest student in my class as a youngster, along with being INFJ. My opinions are often too intricate for me to explain in full, so I have to streamline what I have to say.
That desire to be seen but terrified of it is spot on.
It's not that I feel invisible to everyone. In social situations, I've experienced strangers approaching me to start conversations. Small talk is not my thing. Every time I bring up an abstract topic, they hastily escape. There are INFJs that can walk into a room and everyone looks thier way. Some are conventionally pretty or handsome. I've learned to ignore attention and daydream in most social situations.
I
I detest small talk, as well. Daydreams have been my wonderful escape ever since a child.
I can remember being recognised once, when I was a teenager.
I thought, "Oh, you can see me."
As an ISFJ, I've found a lot of value in your videos. I'm tired of being walked into. I'm tired of being in a room and feeling like people are unaware of my existence. I didn't realize this was a personality thing, I just thought it was the general suckiness of humanity. Maybe it's both. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your videos, and I enjoy watching and learning from them.
I feel unseen, always have. But have childhood trauma from a father who ignored me. That’s what I thought all this came from.
@cindychurch335 I think my being unseen comes from childhood trauma, too. My mother was the most responsible for it in my case, not that my dad didn't contribute, but I believe my mother would have preferred i had never been born.
@@nancybartley4610 Nancy, I’m 67 years old and have been through a lot the last 10 years. My parents have been dead many years but memories of my childhood have resurfaced. Memories that hurt and have brought up many questions. I learned that my mother didn’t want me at first. Of course, she loved me and was a good mother. My father was an alcoholic. She didn’t want bring another child into this already broken family. I’m currently learning a lot about complex CPSD. I hope and pray you you can heal. ❤️
I've been standing in plain sight and ppl run into me😅
Enjoy being invisible.
It has its advantages
Literally, and not infrequently!
I am an INFP and I really resonate with everyrhing you said.
Going to the grocery store is stepping into the spotlight for me ! Total introvert.
Without heirs, nor joyful forebears’ pride...
Kin nor friend to claim my side
I am to none allied,
I am to none allied.
I exist as all men: a sovereignty,
A pole of north, enigma, strangity,
A distant light of faery,
A distant light of faery.
Ah, but to linger so I cannot bear,
I yearn to cast myself into the air,
That seen, they truly see,
That seen, they truly see.
For this, all self-wrought pain, all verse,
I'd have their love, the universe
And be someone's, held dear,
And be someone's, held dear.
***
Sem utódja, sem boldog őse...
Sem rokona, sem ismerőse
Nem vagyok senkinek,
Nem vagyok senkinek.
Vagyok, mint minden ember: fenség,
Észak-fok, titok, idegenség,
Lidérces, messze fény,
Lidérces, messze fény.
De, jaj, nem tudok így maradni,
Szeretném magam megmutatni,
Hogy látva lássanak,
Hogy látva lássanak.
Ezért minden: önkínzás, ének:
Szeretném, hogyha szeretnének
S lennék valakié,
Lennék valakié.
/Endre Ady/
Thanks for sharing that beautiful poem 👌
Profound and lovely. Thank you!
So incredibly true!
Who wrote this?
@@wannabesage5870Endre Ady ( English: Andrew Ady; 22 November 1877 - 27 January 1919) was a turn-of-the-century Hungarian poet and journalist. Regarded by many as the greatest Hungarian poet of the 20th century, he was noted for his steadfast belief in social progress and development and for his poetry's exploration of fundamental questions of the modern European experience: love, temporality, faith, individuality, and patriotism.
One thing that helped me get out in front of other people doing public speaking is realizing “butterflies in the gut” are perfectly normal and it’s because you care deeply about what you’re presenting. When you stop getting the butterflies, that’s when to examine if you’ve gone into autopilot, become complacent, or no longer care.
As an INFJ, I learned to present material from numbered index cards that just give bullet points and have facts or quotes. This helps to not lose focus or freeze up due to nervousness. But it also gives you enough room for a relaxed, conversational manner that’s not overly scripted or stuffy. This gives an INFJ flexibility to share with an audience based on the feedback you’re intuitively receiving from the audience you’re speaking to.
Also, if you make a mistake, relax and laugh at yourself. This takes away the nervousness others might feel for you. This puts your audience at ease. Most listeners are more concerned about their own discomfort when viewing another’s foibles, but by being the first to address it lightheartedly, you remove their discomfort.
My experience of INTPs and INTJs is that being emotionally self-contained, being 'seen' is not really something they even think about.
Yeah, but when I notice I am ignored when I should not be, I feel baffled.
That's completely understandable and depending on the circumstances i.e. who the person is in relation to you, may even be hurtful.@@mariagordanier3404
One of the actual physical reasons is that we are quiet and unobtrusive and don’t actually make lots of noise or talk constantly. I even walk without making a sound, something I learned when I was a child
It's fun to keep learning that different aspects of what I thought was my unique quirkiness is part of a personality type that I share with others. Thank you for the insight.
People at work walk right past me without saying anything but then stop and start talking to people around me. 😒 I can't just start talking to someone I don't know. If they don't talk to me or ask me questions I won't feel comfortable talking to them. 😔 And the ones that do sorta talk to me only come up to me when they want me to get lunch for them. 😠
I can relate to that...I walk into my art group and no one hardly acknowledges my arrival. At the same time, I don't want to make a grand entrance w a big hello and interrupt whatever they are doing or gossiping about. I do keep quiet for I am there to work and not chit chat. At the end of the time, other people wait for each other if they are the last one. If I am the last one, they just leave! I did this for a couple of yrs and finally stopped going. Funny thing is they still often include me if there is a little get together...and funny thing I wind up just listening because no one seems to be interested in what I may be doing and I rarely share unless someone asks me.
This is an interesting state of being: an INFJ being intuitive and very observant sees people and 'systems' in unique ways but knows that she can not always be truthful. Any response has to be guarded even if a truth might be helpful, the INFJ knows that most people, including herself, does not necessarily want to be told the truth. But the INFJ usually is just observing and judging for the pure information aspect; they are not gathering information in order to hurt or distress others. We are just filing away information in order to understand future events. Perhaps it is the 'brake' we put on our responses that make us seem remote from others.
I am not seen and it kills me, I have less than 1K to my channel, I know my presentation is not the best because I suffer from adrenal fatigue. Anyways.
I thought I was an INFP, but lately I can relate to so many things you say about INFJs, so maybe ... ;) Thank you for your helpful videos, Lauren! 🧡
Cannot be more accurate than this ! Thank you ❤❤❤
As a part of my graduate school requirements I had to teach a class. It wasn’t long enough and Dr. Gifford was disappointed. But the class went great, I felt like a rock-star but disconcerted. I never understood why. Thanks.
For the last ten years or so I've tried to be seen creatively in a number of ways but haven't got responces even close to what I was hoping for. Even from friends and acquaintances I've been met with disinterest and/or jealousy. Being creative is a huge part of who I am, but it's also very demanding on a deeply personal level. These experiences have made me stop sharing things with others and simply creating for my own sake. I'm not trying to discourage anyone, just sharing my perspective.
Hoh. Oh Lauren.. word for word. Word for word. I feel this. Everyday. All time. On repeat. 'like I said nothing like I don't exist, ppl physically stumble over me and are surprised I was there.' thank you for your insight
I crave being seen never get it- but overtime i came to love the dear invisible pattern. I'm a ghost, its great. ... But alienating
Hello (new subbie). A hello would be enough sometimes, just an acknowledgement. In the circles I mingle with the same interests, I feel it is not equal, others get seen while I am invisible despite me being openly friendly and having social anxiety etc. Others seem to bond so easily but it maybe superficial which is not really satisfying. However being seen by others you don't want (stalkers, toxic types etc) is another factor which gets tiring real quick. I have to remind myself to be careful for what you wish for. Thank you for sharing your video.
I try to join in conversations and no one hears or acknowledges what I say! In other situations People often say they didn't notice me standing there.
You're incredibly good at public speaking. I don't think there's a single edit in this thing. 😂❤
How much of the MB types are related to the four attachment styles? I'm definitely dismissive avoidant and an INFJ and there is so much overlap.
I'm an INFJ with anxious attachment. I think we as INFJs crave for this connection with people, but not having it we use different strategies to cope with those feelings - some decide to cling desperately to the people they happen to establish any kind of bond with, others just dismiss and suppress the need to have any connections at all. And, of course, attachment traumas formed in the context of early experiences with our caregivers are also at play.
I absolutely believe our earliest experiences with our mothers explain most of how we experience the world. Are you also highly sensitive? I think highly sensitive children are primed to become INFJs.
INFJ cloak of invisibility
Holy crap....this is the most relatable video I've ever come across...😮
I am 59 years old and have battled for decades to break the glass ceiling at many different levels of my life. I graduated college in 2018 and found a job with the state. I was flourishing, I had the respect of colleagues and many friendships. Last year a new supervisor came along and my work life went right back to what it had been for decades in different careers. Excessive rules and rigid structure have turned the last year into a living hell at work. I’m very happy that I accidentally found this thread because it makes sense to me. Not two hours ago I was sitting here wondering why I don’t just go ahead and die because I’m obviously not ever going to succeed at anything. Thank you
So good! Thank you.
I loved this video, this topic is so needed. At work and in public there is constant social anxiety because of this, and this channel and other INFJ literature is such a refuge from the constant pain and awkardness of living in a sensor world!
You have such a reassuring voice. It helps me to feel calm and at peace admist the anxiety lol
Oh my goodness I feel like this a lot of the times as INFJ male...thank you so much for the video Lauren!! 😊
Sometimes yo be seen, we have to be courageous to speak up and say, “Hello… right here…” with a bit of humor or quick wit. Or be self deprecating as we assert ourselves.
its weird, I have this belief that I can turn invisible in a crowd. Not literally of course, but if I stand still and wait a few seconds, I believe people just stop noticing me. Its like a cloak. Anybody relate?
I get this, I feel when I speak that it goes out into the air and doesnt hit anyone.. only a couple of people respond to what I say and listen, everyone else speaks over me and speaks to me but doesnt listen at all.
Hi Lauren,
Your videos are helping me.
Thank you for existing and doing your work.
Life rarely seems to be enough.
Im always unhappy, unsatisfied,
needing and needy. Im craving
on many levels. I would like a
pharmacosis. I would like some pharmaceutical grade
pharmaconautic bliss. I wish to
dream out into a vast landscape of
not this world. Everything everywhere is so ordinary that it
makes me barf. I require alien novelty. I wish for more alien
novelty and ludacris wack.
I want to be entertained and
disgusted and disturbed all at the
same time. I might join one of your
classes next month. I need to find
my people. I need to find my purpose.
I’m seen often but not through any positive views everyone spots I’m odd
I feel this daily
Me too... How true ! 😂
It’s a polarity thing
Yours to there’s
Understand this
and you will understand
What’s happening
When you separate from something
You are polarised opposites
So your energy is received this way
Fish amen
Wouldn’t it be amazing to be seen and accepted for who we are instead of who everyone else wants us to be?
⭐️
This is me
I do because I'm 6'7".
😂
Wow I felt rlly seen here
Well the last video I posted led me here which I think is the most ironic and cool thing ever. 😂
My hand is bitten . Let it all fall. Since ppl wa n na play
✔
So what's INFJ mean anyway? I'm doing all this.
Google - 16 personalities. It will bring up a test that you can take to find out your personality. INFJ being a personality.
I think the word never is a little extreme and an unhealthy view to digest.
Why do you frequently talk about INF’s and INFP’s, as of they are the same?
Get used to it! NO ONE will ever see you! Parts and pieces only! I'm 60, and God alone knows me thru and thru!! Therein lies your answer...seek Him...He is madly in love with you!
Sorry, but what are INFJs? I just clicked on this video because it came up and as Inever feel seen, I thought this might be interesting...
Google - 16 personalities. It will bring up a test that you can take to find out your personality. INFJ being a personality.
Maybe they're 7 born, not real INFJ'S or need to have more relevant topics and communication skills