INFJs and Lone Wolf Syndrome
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- čas přidán 23. 11. 2023
- Many INFJ personality types describe themselves as a “lone wolf,” which means their preference is to keep an extremely small circle of friends, and not ask for help unless it’s absolutely necessary. This results in most INFJ personality types being not only self-sufficient, but also hyper-independent, and relying on this quality of hyper-independence to get them through life.
Being a lone wolf can be positive for INFJ personality types, as they tend to be very self-directed in the workplace and they can go for long periods of time on their own, immersed in their own projects, without needing constant social interaction. However, it’s also quite common for INFJ personality types to attach themselves to the mindset of being a lone wolf and idealize their own hyper-independence to the point where they never ask for help from anyone, and they become convinced that they need to do everything on their own. This can lead to extreme stress and burnout. It can also lead to the INFJ becoming convinced that it’s impossible to trust anyone else. Within this type of lone wolf mindset, asking for help is a sign of weakness and any indication of vulnerability is dangerous.
An INFJ who is struggling deep in the grip of lone wolf syndrome ends up feeling very alone, isolated, and misunderstood, because they have cut themselves off from connecting and collaborating with others. This heightens the INFJ’s natural introversion and that results in increased social anxiety for INFJs.
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Why is there such a connection between INFJs and dysfunctional families. A lot of INFJs seem to have gone through troubling child hoods.
YES! I was recently on another channel, where the discussion was centered around us all being the children of narcissists. It was very revealing. My husband is also INFJ, his father and my mother were both narcissistic.
The conclusion of the discussion was that INFJs are created, not born.
@@ericanorton71 Interesting. I think my mom was somewhat a narc (she was an Aries), my dad, whom my mom didnt like and wouldnt let me see, was a narc of sorts. I guess .05% - 5%of the population has NPD and 1-2% of the population is INFJ, so the math lines up there.
@@ericanorton71 Hows the INFJ, INFJ relationship going? I always wondered how we'd do together
Another childhood trauma INFJ reporting in.
I have read so much about this. I also have a few theories. A lot of INFJs and INTJs agree on this point.
Most come to a conclusion that an INTJ has no one in the house that is nice or caring to them, hence the Te develops. INFJs develop due to having one "care giver" giving limited or full emotional support. It muddles up our defensive closing off of our feelings because someone is supporting us and we feel we need to support them, hence Fe grows.
I had three younger siblings, all girls and would say that also helped my Fe.
I sway constantly between being a lone wolf and being very group orientated. I think it all stems to childhood confusion with roles and as I'm becoming older, I think my default is really a lone wolf.
I only feel lonely when I am with other people. 🤷🏻♀️
Same
I've always enjoyed being alone. It's my happiest time because people aren't there to interfere with my mood. 16 years ago, I met my husband, who is also an INFJ Lone Wolf. We're perfect together. Now I know how being lonely feels, when we're separated. We went from being lone wolves to a lone couple.
That's me and my hubby too. Though he is INTJ. We said to each other just the other day, it's us against the world - a lone couple!
@@lynnehendersonfisher congratulations. People like us rarely find our perfect fit. I don't think loners need to unite though. 🤣🤣🤣 Let's keep to ourselves!
Wow. U are so blessed to have each other. I am married too an ESTJ and no matter what we do or try...... It's just not working
Im single and its HARD😢
How did you guys meet?
Being a Lone Wolf is the ultimate INFJ Super Power Because we allow no one and nothing to stop or drain us.
That’s spot on with me, INFJ’s take on other peoples energy, I know I do. When I’m alone I can totally relax and not feel responsible for other people emotions.
I have two Superpowers: I am Gen X and an INFJ
My secret to the alone life is companion animals. I'm never lonely because I look after them, they stop you getting too focused on yourself. I also love helping at sanctuaries to give me connections to like-minded people without it all being overwhelming.
And I absolutely adore Emily Dickenson 🙂
I am a 100% Lonewolf and am so happy with this loner life. I just can’t bow down to the narrative that people want to follow not only with my loner lifestyle which people just can’t deal with or even try and understand like with my diet and my physical appearance etc. The list is long of things I refuse to compromise on. People kept trying to mold me into what they thought I should be. Like this one girl wanted me to come to her house for a group monthly painting party. I would rather get an enema, than participate in a bunch of women sitting around at a painting party! Stupidest ritual I’ve ever heard. I’d rather be home reading and loving on my wonderful family of kitty cats and my parrot and my little mice while watching a movie good God. To me I just don’t understand what’s wrong with people lol. I have been this way since I was very, very young. People suck for the most part and they will lie to you and smear you and try to ruin your life because they feel “less than” but we don’t try to make anybody feel less than. We love creating, doing and building and just because they chose to go another route doesn’t mean they should feel bad about it but they do feel bad about it and then they take it out on us. I don’t think the fact that I had narcissistic parents and a sociopath for a sister and a family who all pretended and acted like alcoholism and pot smoking was the norm. I think I would have been this way, even if I had had a normal family without drama or abuse and there was a lot of both. It’s just too much drama to bother with now. Love my peace. I door slammed after years of over the top people pleasing trying to help everybody and show them a happier way, or to give of my time or my money or my whatever far over and above what I should’ve done and usually it just made people think I was arrogant or trying to show off so pretty much anything I ever tried to do that was nice was completely misunderstood or spun into a different light and one can only take that for so long. I was the queen of over sharing though which I have now learned to get a handle on lol. I’m pretty sure that ran some people off but that’s OK too because they just weren’t my people. I wouldn’t leave if someone told me their story, and their story was similar to my story. I’d be totally into it and Feel they were my tribe. I’m grateful though for all of those shitty people because I wouldn’t have the life I have now without all of those experiences so it’s all good and a beautiful thing.
I remember thinking of my mom as "the mean lady" at like 6 months old.
mine is tiger dad "mean"...
till today my family said that i freaky weirdo alien
At age 11 I knew that friendships became optional.
I enjoyed my own company without searching for validation from others. Effortless. I was content in my own company and didn't feel lonely or isolated.
Friendships moved from the foreground and into the background. I didn't hear about INFJ until a year ago. The zenith of my childhood was when I was eleven and I knew it. There was just a sense of contentment in my own company and has been so ever since. If I am in good company with someone else, that's good too.
I also learned to turn down the volume on internal dialogue through meditation and mindfulness. If there's lots of space internally, then there's lot's of simple pleasure which manifests externally. The metaphor of smelling the roses. If there is plenty of space and tranquility internally, then it shows up externally too. Almost every moment can be savored.
My maxim: This IS the best day of my life.
I wish you the same.
I am an INFJ and my husband is INFP, and we regularly have conversations about how we know we would be able to survive and thrive during an apocalypse 😂
lol
As a lone wolf INFJ who doesn't always want to be this way I can definitely relate to this.
Yes I'm here to learn why I'm so laser focused on not needing anyone, but having one significant like when I was married was truly excellent and it just made sense to me.
Perhaps I'm really meant to be alone? But it just doesn't feel very good. I've felt there's something wrong with me for years...now I'm trying to change this and attempt a more social mindset...it's hard but I'm trying my best 😂
@@lorrainejohnson829 Yes agreed. It's much better if you can have a significant other to go through life with, and a lot less lonely in many ways also etc. Well I guess as you attempt more social things life will change up at some point just by default. I think it's much easier for women comparatively as well to find someone, again just by default lol. 😊
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're probably in bad company!
I was often told “ no man is an island”! I never understood what they were talking about. I knew it was directed at me. I do things myself. I wasn’t neglected I was able to do many things on my own! I had two great parents and I was close to both of them. Both had to work outside the home. We kiddos me being the youngest had chores to do. Chores and homework done I could go out in the woods until bed time. The one Church had a bell that rang every hour and it could be heard for 20 miles or more. All you had to do was count the number of times the bell rang for the time. I knew where the city water lines ran through the woods and they had small pressure releases of good drinking water. Really I could stay out for days. I believe my parents noticed used my abilities in the family. Mechanical and carpentry abilities I got from dad helping him around the house. Mom taught me to cook while I helped her to make bread, cakes, pies, and suppers. I love being a line wolf 🐺! 😊
This is me in every way. Thanks for this message. As I was listening, I was able to see where in my childhood it developed. I love being self-sufficient, but it is lonely sometimes.
Hyper self sufficient indeed !!
Your understanding and description of the INFJ experience is always so spot on. It is both so validating and almost ‘scary’-like you are my sister from another mother ☺️
Self sufficient under the radar like people really have no idea… me, living in my car while I build my new life in a new state, and not telling anyone that part.
I avoid leaving comments on INFJ videos. It makes you at target I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, but I had to on this one the hermits journey there’s much more to it than meets the eye, and it depends on your childhood this personality when mixed with the PTSD Creates a whole different mindset. I’ve been lonely and sad since I was a small child it’s who we are on the inside. There’s no avoiding it. You learn to coexist, become friends and allies then it begins to work for you instead of against you I could go on and on But most the time people just don’t listen they wanna get their information out of a book not life experience I was my mother psychiatrist at 11 so I’m calling an old soul once again, there’s much more to it than just that. Hope this is well received I appreciate what you do, CZcams is just a lousy place to do it. Have a great day much love and respect for me and the girls that’s just how we roll. 🐶😎🐶✌️
You have important things to say here, so if someone wants to talk shit, then they can kiss your ass.
Lonely and sad as children - yes!
Im a lone wolf because every time I truly want a person or pack to bond with me fully I get dissapointed and drained of all life. Im 40 now...Im preparing my spirit to be a lone wolf forever. Loneliness is a slow death. So be it.
Great talk !! A couple BIG takeaways for me; imagine being a 21-year-old woman in 1955, recently married and 6 months pregnant when her husband decides to leave. I was the child in that uterus and that was the beginning of my lone wolf syndrome. Thanks for enabling me to track it back that far. Previously I hadn't been able to get past my basic abandonment issues....always nice to take one small step forward. Where do I sign up for the next course ? I just subbed to your newsletter. 💕
People often judge me and accuse me that my goal is to not be understood. They claim that this is what makes me feel special and unique. That's statement is false and so painful. The truth is that I just want to be understood on a level of depth that is at least partially truly beginning to understand me and what I am trying to convey and share to others. This is so frustrating for me.
Hi again, Lauren! I don't have the patience to work in a team. I've been there and I just seem to be taken up with experiencing the different vibes from people, the hang ups, the pushiness, the arrogance, and then being an INFJ I end up quietly trying to make sure the underdogs are given a voice etc. Sometimes, they don't want your help at all. Sooo...I'm happy to be a loner, especially as a writer. A writers group I tried was a disaster mostly due to the group leader's agenda. I do sometimes wish I had a friendly non ego dominated writers group to be part of, where we just discuss craft and don't judge anyone else on sections of their writing with no context. I'm 61 and happy to go it alone with my creative life. I've usually worked so hard on my writing, by the time I get to the end, I'm not up for big rewrites whatsoever. BUT...I agree, we do need to be more open to helpful critiques - just be careful not to get upset, and if ther critique is wrong in your own eyes, then trust that.
Thanks for this video. I will just say that I have opened up to family members, and I feel I was shamed and made to feel stupid for my opinions and insights. So, saying that I won't be opening up to anyone. I will talk to people but not share too much insight. I find most people annoying. Sorry for the rant. 😊
"rant" ? you're being facetious, right ? great sense of humor !
Don't worry, no one listens to INFJs, but the other INFJs will get you 100%. I was blessed to find and marry another INFJ. I feel like he's the only person on the planet who has ever understood, respected, and treated me properly. Find another INFJ to hang with.
@@ericanorton71 where do you find INFJs? I would like to talk to a female me it sounds interesting! Imagine talking to yourself and you (she) thinks and talks back with your (her) own perspective? Intriguing! I’m sure there are many differences such as family life, activities, alone time, hobbies, crafts and projects, vacation ideas, food, interests etc etc.
Very good; thanks lauren. I will say that for me, 'being seen' is. Still. So dangerous.
This is me 100%. I finally feel understood!
Could you do a video on how the INFJ/P can navigate the lone wolf syndrome in adulthood so that they're not invalidating the experiences they've been through but are also taking steps towards meaningful, safe, and worthwhile connection? It's great to hear your insights but can be quite discouraging when no "solution" is included in a video that really hits the nail on the head about a topic
Agreed. What are some tools that we can utilize?
Ironic but from “they’re not invalidating,,,,”to “taking steps towards meaningful connections” are the words I needed to see in order to take the steps myself. I haven’t watched the video yet but I feel like maybe you know what you need to do more than you give yourself credit for? I have no clue if that’s true. But thank you anyway
Don't be afraid to take risks and know that Christ Jesus is with you and the only one to truly follow 💕
My parents were great parents with their sensing children. They just didn’t know how to handle an intuitive feeler.
You've just described my whole life in every tiny detail man what theee!!!!!!!
I don’t think lone and alone are the same thing. Lone is in a different context meaning we are independent not lonely. I don’t think anyone who is alone by choice feels sad or that they are missing out on life. Being partnered or living with other people is a choice it would be just as easy to find company but if that company doesn’t make you happy like the saying goes “better to be alone that in bad company “Good video👍
i finally feel understood
We only need our family to be content.
Have you ever discussed the possibility of the majority of INFJs having a narcissistic parent? I watched a psychiatrist who posited this topic, was wondering about your thoughts?
Wow, I do. My mom is.
It's kind of strange, because I'm now in my 60s, but it's only recently occurred to me that my father has narcissistic tendencies. So it obviously wasn't super bad growing up, but there were definite issues, and there still are - hence the sudden light bulb moment. And now I see it being connected with INFJs, as a common factor that many of us share. How odd!
My mother was a narc.... that is why I am a infj ....
Yes Erica. My father was a narcissist. Not crazy, over the top, but still a narc. I'm an INFJ.
I'm married to an INFJ, and I am also INFJ. We both have narcissistic fathers. Very interesting! We're made, not born.
When I was young I felt “alone”, then I had an experience that changed my life: though knowing I am presently alone, but am looking forward to a day I will no longer be alone… a study that I had begun.
This hit me hard. Thank you
I love being alone but i wish i had a twin brother
I have been a Lone Wolf since childhood and absolutely appreciate and cherish it. I am NEVER lonely and am never sad. ❤
My Life and Life principles is full of adventures during my journey. I would not change a thing. ❤
I love and embrace who I am...a Sigma Empath INFJ. ❤❤❤
I guess I should’ve waited a little longer to leave a comment when it comes to not trusting your parents met my father at his tombstone at 50 I was in foster homes by the age of five all the way to 18 back-and-forth with mom nervous breakdowns made me swear I wouldn’t sign the release forms for electrical shock. 12 years old lot happened at that time, I share that stuff hoping it makes a difference for the better so many stories but once again, so few people listening, just saying back to the video
I couldn’t trust my Mom. She didn’t get me at all and the secrets ?? Leave me OUT of it.
Thank you so much for this video!
I wouldn't say we are emotionally prepared like INFP's (they just naturally can deal with anything and brush it off), INFJ's just WANT to be very prepared but are really the least prepared due to our natural emotional sensitivity (we can't deal with anything that hits us). But the fact we are so emotionally weaker then other types makes us prepare in advance always and be ready for things cus we thought about it so much. Basically our weakness made us masters at preparing and strategically working around things.
I've often thought that the lone wolf aspect of us makes us kind of a glass cannon. When we have prepared and planned for the expected and as much as we can for the unpredictable, yet something hits us out of nowhere in a moment of distraction. It's frustrating after the dust settles and we head back into the lab to fix the weak point that has been exposed, but at the same time, we grin internally, because yet another area of potential growth has been discovered. Our glass cannon slowly hardens over a period of years under the toil of constant improvement.
What do you mean by 'emotionally weaker'?!
I think he means that we have weak SE- SE-extroverted sensing@@j-us-t_be-in-g
@@ceruprime2641 "Everyone has a plan until they are punched in the face" - Mike Tyson. This sentence perfectly describes Se, Ne - the extroverted perception functions. They are fast, fluid and adaptable. Exactly what we are *not* as INFJ's.
We are slow and we plan, and we get punched in the face by everything cus we are not good at reacting fast.
Even thought everyone applauds the Se, Ne type of fluidity and adaptability a lot, it is only half of the coin, and there is great virtue in the Si, Ni - slow, cunning way of doing things too.
Se, Ne is for winning battles, but Si, Ni is for winning the war in the end, basically.
@@j-us-t_be-in-g I mean emotionally sensitive to the point of feeling too much pain and overreacting, taking everything personal, can't handle conflict, dwell on problems lot longer then others, can't let go.
Simply all the symptoms of being too sensitive.
This grants us the "superpower" of being able to read others better then anyone, like a radar. But that is the natural trade off that comes with being sensitive - being weak. Just like eyes that can pick up way more detail in the dark, the trade off is that they are way weaker at dealing with strong lights and can get hurt easily.
In essence our "special power" comes specifically from the fact that we are (pretty much) the weakest - most sensitive personality type. With ISFJ as a close second.
This is 💯 accurate like wow..
WOW! this is spot on
Your channel is the best on this subject, it’s so insightful.
I have always felt like a lone wolf, yet, ironically, have enjoyed many relationships. It's all about the wall. I'm in my early 50s, and until VERY recently, that wall has been a permanent feature. I've been married (and divorced) and have children, but have never let anyone "in" - never asked for help with ANYTHING! I think the "lone wolf syndrome" doesn't necessarily have to manifest externally to be present. Can anyone else relate to that?
I’m new to all of this so thank you for your video with such great information. About a week ago, I was watching a video from another creator, and he made a very brief comment about INFJ’s coming from a rough childhood. That caught my ear, but you went more in depth in this video. Have you made any more videos that focuses on INFJ’s and the type of upbringing a lot of them come from?
Found this fascinating as I am an INFJ identical mirror twin people have wanted to study my brother and myself all our lives. Why is that?
i love this channel, just found it, third video in lol
My family siblings parents treated me like kuso growing up. My dad would always take other people's side against me. My sister's were demonstratively bipolar and abusive towards me. There abuse turned me into a monster towards people that I ended hurting those trying to help me, I really feel uncomfortable around people because my worst enemy is the social climber.
Very interesting. I wonder how many infjs grew up in an environment where they were just forced into emotional adulthood as a child and forced to deal with adult issues. By the time you are an adult yourself your capacity to take on more relaional issues is zero.
When you are an empath and highly sensitive person you learn to take of yourself, it is not an easy path, but you learn how to learn to take care of yourself and protect yourself.
The walls are so higher and the reason is I am very selective with who I allows to enter in my life. At work people don’t understand the difference between personal life and professional relationships. I don’t mix my personal life with my professional life, they are interconnected but I don’t mix them.
When you are very independent and self sufficient at work this strengh and soft skills are a problem due to control issues.
When you are not open to make friends at work you are arrogant.
When you are self disciplined and have high standards with yourself and how to do the work, responsibilities, knowledge etc, people say: do you think you are perfect.
I love to work with open mind people, I love to work in an environment where you can exchange knowledge, ideas, different perspectives, a healthy environment of growth.
Sometimes we keep our ideas because people stole our work and ideas. We hide our heart just to protect ourselves, the walls are going to be the highest and biggest.
Scary accurate ❤
I think this applies to anybody who had a troubled childhood. I don't think it's personality specific at all
I TOTALLY TOTALLY RELATE TO THIS...WOW!!!
I deeply crave connection, but I have trouble even having that with my family, I feel like a failure, I feel on the other hand they do not really care about me, least the authentic me, so I always wear a mask, I get disappointed by people I thought were friends and it is like a vicious circle, cause I experience that time and again and am sort of a self made lone wolf. you push people away, wanting to show no weakness, but that in turn isolates you more. on the one side, I want to open myself and have great friends, a partner, on the other, one part of INFJs is we can be icecold and calculating and frankly, after spending half an hour with most people, I am bored or annoyed and wished I was by myself again. we value our independence, we have problems with authrotity (at least I have) and want to do things our way. that again makes it hard for other people to connect with us since we do not show mnuch emotion, are maybe harder to approach, do not open up as easily and so on. It is a super power and a major weakness and I hate it at the moment.
It's a trust issue .....we want a stability in our life ... therefore trust in yourself and no one else required....
Omg this was excellent. Describes me so perfectly
I'm senior lone wolf female and luckily there is nothing in my life that requires collaboration. I'm unable to function in group situations. Perhaps I'm also an aspie? My creative juices flow best when I'm not in the presence of other people "brainstorming", which means talking over each other and getting nothing accomplished.
Infj are social chameleons. We can blend is easily if we try even though we feel like an alien.
I have learnt to respect everyone is different and doesn’t think like me although I can relate to many.
Infj are actually the best personality with people one on one. We are very switched on to working out people’s minds. This is a gift and can be used to gain in life. We lead the pack from behind and work best alone or with one person we get along with
I thought my 19 year old mom was crazy tbh. And I was not even 3 yet 😢
Love this channel
Today is Nov 29
I went to your website but I can’t find this particular class you’re talking about in this video. I only see the class
INFjs and intuition - is it too late to sign up
Is it too late to register? I just signed up for your newsletter
I'm talking in general, not about this video, but it's ironic when somebody describes a person as a long wolf, since wolves are pack animals.
That is why they use the modifier of “lone” this is letting the reader know this wolf is not in the pack.
I don’t like the average American 9-5 job lifestyle and I’m thinking in my head, who made these stupid rules that we should all be conformists. I will not conform to what anyone wants me to be. Regardless of the circumstances.
@00:45
lone
adjective
having no companions; solitary or single.
"I approached a lone drinker across the bar"
I left my grown kids some years back, all good relationships, to teach overseas. Now I am older, missing grandkids, and i am afraid to go 'home' and be a part of that mainstream again. My kids want me to come home. I am past retirement and have found it difficult to get a good job in my profession. So the logical choice: back home. But I fear I will be at a loss navigating the ordinary stuff of life...and very bored. What do you think?
I am new to your channel, and I found some of your presentation a bit confusing. I am a Sigma male, with an INFJ personality type. I Thrive being "Alone" which I would argue is much different than being "Lonely". I can work with a group, but find if the leadership is lacking, then I step forward and speed the process up. I have learned patience in this phase and watch people struggle and succeed in all aspects. I grew up as a latchkey child in the 70's, getting myself to school at a young age, cycling 8 miles a day. I have learned to ask for help and critique of my expression, I do not share that fear of vulnerability. I know I am a unique and rare individual and have accepted it in all its glory.
I am this. I'm very seclusive
It’s so strange to me to listen to you speak about how many INFJ‘s had this type of childhood destiny evidently plays a role in this personality type. How else can you explain it the way you speak it sounds like it’s more common than not to be a broken INFJ, CPTSD complex to say the least lol it’s not funny, but you gotta keep your humor
I'm starting to think all INFJs are created by narcissistic parents, not born INFJ.
Hi Lauren....where can i meet other INFJs??
How to subscribe in your class
Veeeeery subjektive
How many INFJs are Scorpios?
I don't know what to said, but it's just feels like this cartoon
"Courage the Cowardly Dog"
that's my describe.
LoneWolf is my penName~*
you sound like you act like being a lone wolf is bad i dont agreee at all
Why would you expect a newcomer to understand the term NFSJ?????Kinda defeats listening to much of this video why not spe;; it out and put the abbreviation in somewhere in the title or subtitle.