Why INFJs Hide Their True Selves from the World
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- čas přidán 13. 12. 2022
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INFJs are chameleons around other people, partly because of their extraverted feeling function, which allows the INFJ personality type to easily pick up on the moods and emotions of the people around them, and then mirror another person’s emotional state back to them. Obviously, this is why INFJs make such excellent counselors and listeners, because they are always tuned into the other person’s emotions. However, INFJs are chameleons for another reason as well, and that reason is fear. Because most INFJs are conditioned from a young age to shut down their natural INFJ intuition, many INFJs have a hard time trusting their initial intuitive impression of a person. Still other INFJs feel that if they show their true self to other people, they will be rejected for who they really are, so being a chameleon and changing their outward social mask depending on which person they are around, feels safer and is used as a coping mechanism. This can be very damaging to INFJ personalities, who have a strong core need for authenticity and transparency with others. When an INFJ is constantly using their talent for being a chameleon to stay safe and avoid intimacy in relationships, it can make the INFJ feel estranged from their own self and disconnected with their own soul and who they really are. This is why it’s important for every INFJ to work on developing a stronger relationship with their intuition, and also developing relationships with others in which they feel acknowledged and seen for who they truly are.
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Well r u gonna say hello
I don't need a book to be understood
I just turned 61 and it dawned on me, not one person knows what I'm actually thinking. they really don't know me. No one. That speaks to my trust level evidently.
I'm in my 40s and no one knows me either, not even family
or maybe it's reality. They really don't know you.
Bcz..don’t think nothing..just in flow with tim
What's there to know? Think about it, sometimes mysteries are pleasant. Don't stress about not knowing. Just keep looking, you'll find yourself eventually
I feel the same
Because we don't want to be burned at the stake! 💝😎💝
Yep yep yep yep yep
And watch the fireworks fly when we stop the performative role and really speak the truth.
This is so true. I need some alone time everyday as being around people everyday drawns me...
What you said is true. But if I tell people what I really know, I often get a very negative reaction, sometimes can be very severe, like a personal attack. Some people can not handle the raw truth. A lot of them just want to see the things they want to see.
I always strive to be authentic, but sometimes you just have to think of self-preservation. In the end, if you tell the truth, and other people resent it, you do not change anything or improve anything, so what's the point. And you can be attacked as well.
I like to be masked off. But I can only do it with safe people. And when I am not in a good headspace, I can not recognise who is safe at times. That's the time I need to be on my own. And I do need a lot of alone time even when I am in a good headspace.
And talk about performing. There is so much hypocrisy and two-faced people in our world.
How many truly genuine and transparent people are really there? When you find them, you really treasure them. They are rare.
Yes, it is complex, it is deep, most of my life I kept everything locked up inside. As an adult it is still hard for me to impart my thoughts and feelings.
Oh my gosh. I thought i was abnormal... I've felt severely disconnected from my intuition for ages 😞 Thank you very much...i feel very useless as a result, not being able to trust or tap into the very thing that I'm supposed to be good at
I love how you de-mistify the INFJ! Often INFJ people are just portrayed as wishy washy "mystics". Everytime I have seen myself as Mystik in the past , I honestly try to overpaint that I didnt understand me myself.
This hit home. But doesnt it seem more like a personality disorder than a personality type? It's exhausting to go through all those shifts and mask changes.
I’m so grateful for these videos! It encourages me to continue on the road to becoming my true self. Sometimes people don’t understand the way I think or why I do certain things. This assures me that I’m not just crazy but crazy good. This world needs my intuition, and so do I! Keep up the good work, Lauren!👍😃🎸
Being an adoptee I find I have no idea who my real self is. I’ve always just been what everyone else needs or wants me to be. 😢
I'm an adoptee, well, former adoptee. Get your DNA test done, get your court records, stop wondering. Once you resolve where you came from, you will discover that YOU have been YOU the same as if you'd been with your birth parents. How you have responded to your environment as an honest human is the same you no matter where you go. You already know you, all you really need is the truth of your birth, the rest of your life will be set free. Good Luck!!
I'm in the same boat as you right now.
You are descended from hominins. You’re welcome
the pattern seems so obvious to me - yes I hide - thanks for bringing light to this part of the INFJ
That performative element gets really messy when INFJs are in a small group of people who they know from other contexts. Suddenly the INFJ realizes how she has 'performed' with these other people, and with each person, it is different ! Hardly know which face to use ... not to deceive, but after years of 'customized' relationships, interacting with the group is very uncomfortable. A smile and silence is the answer of last resort.
"Rosebud..."
This is definitely true for me. I didn’t start listening to my intuition fully until after my 30’s. I mean yes it was always there and it did help me out more than I can count. But I didn’t really have full access to it until later.
Hi Lauren, What an Awesome Video! I know that it's over 8 months old, but 6 days ago, I (at 46 years old) am discovering myself as an INFJ and feel as if I received an important package delivered to me! This video made me realize the breakthrough of "Intuation" I never knew there was a word for that 6th sense I've been doing subcontiously since I was a child! I will definitely check out the course on your website and subscribed to your channel for more INFJ content to view and new material for the future! Once Again, Thank You!
It sounds like you’re saying INFJs are people pleasers; just performing to meet expectations of others.
More like they want to maintain Harmony. They hate conflicts.
@@mitaandtrishabhowmik1894 being conflict avoidant at any cost can be a tough long term strategy, though.
This idea that we get shamed and attacked for being intuitive and inquisitive as children really resonates with me. As an very curious and observant child growing up in a family with a lot of pain and shame I had my intuitive and inquisitive nature quickly beaten out of me, or perhaps not out of me, but beaten into my subconscious. As a kid I always wanted to play, explore, investigate and ask questions about everything I didn't understand. There were so many "elephants in the room" that I was inquisitive about, which unfortunately everyone else in the family was trying to hide away under the carpet or in the closet. Alcoholism, emotional hardship, a birth defect, infidelity were amongst the elephants. But I could never make sense as to why one should not talk about their issues. Perhaps they believed they would just disappear if you ignored them. Because that's how I felt a lot of the time. Like a problem that would perhaps just go away if they ignored me. I was also shamed, blamed and attacked for being myself. Both at home and in school.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 46 (I'm now 47) and I've really struggled all my life with social interactions because of my nature and my nurture. I've always had a hard time playing a role even though I can be very good at in most situations, for short periods of time, but it drains me, makes me really frustrated, bitter and full of rage. It's like having to play a role, or "masking" who you truly are, feels like the world is constantly rejecting my true self. It's like I'm being held back and pushed down and I feel like I want to push back. But instead I isolate and keep to myself so I can be left alone. I know that much of these feelings of being rejected, held back or pushed down comes from my childhood and are now introjects and my inflamed super-ego that is in a sense trying to protect me. At an early age I learned to hold myself back, to push myself down so no one else had to. Because I was and I still am "too much", "too intense" and always "take up too much space". And I was taught that all those things are "bad"! I was a bad boy.
Today I know I'm not bad, and I want to be able to be my True Self but my True Self is quite dangerous character to "play" today as I'm quite smart, intuitive, inquisitive, observant, very non-politically correct and I have quite a dark sense of humor. But these are all traits I mostly hide in the outside world. I'm also very sensitive, empathic, respectful and considerate and these are the traits I often lead with when I'm outside and I guess that's part of the problem as I often get the feeling that these traits are the ones that holds me back as I often feel like people doesn't reciprocate and instead take advantage of people like that. Often times I feel ashamed for other people because of how they behave. For some reason I don't allow myself to hold them accountable and shame them appropriately. And I'm not exactly sure why. It could be because I don't want to shame people because I really don't like to be shamed myself, but if I did something shameful I would actually like someone to shame me for it. Appropriately shamed that is. And how could these seemingly shameless people be shamed appropriately if they nerver were taught and developed healthy shame in the first place? It would just bounce off them and back to me who is a master of carrying other peoples shame.
Perhaps this is what is going on on the subconscious intuitive level. The reason why I feel and carry their shame for them. Because they reject it. Their narcissistic ego defenses pushes all that shame out into the environment and it has to go somewhere, right. So it falls on me. And even if it is quite obvious from a reasonable and logical perspective that they SHOULD feel and be ashamed, they don't. Perhaps they can't? Because that's how they were raised and educated. Just like I was taught to feel other peoples shame, they learned to reject and project theirs onto others.
Maybe this confusion has also caused the difficulty I have in separating out which feeling are mine and which feelings don't belong to me. Many time when I'm around other people a feeling comes to me and I just can't understand why I feel that way. But considering what I've said previously I guess that it's my subconscious intuition and empathy that are picking up the emotion in my environment from someone or something, and because I'm not consciously aware and tuned in to those part of me I just pick it up like it's mine. And I really hate that.
I feel like I'm being hijacked and manipulated. I actually often feel like I am being emotionally r*ped. It's like I have no control over it and no protection against it. I pick up everything in the environment without any consent or understanding of how. I have no tools or ways to manage or control it. No wonder I isolate. I constantly feel drained and burnt out.
It's also frustrating and heart-wrenching that this is not something you can go and get help with from a doctor. Hell, I barely have anyone at all to talk to about this, let alone anyone who can actually help me.
This is probably also the reason why I try not to (at least not consciously or without consent) push emotions on others. Because I hate when others push emotions on me. Both negative and often positive as well, because it feels manipulative and controlling. When people push emotions on me I get triggered really fast and I feel this intense emotion rise up inside me to a disproportionate size to the emotion that was pushed on me. This makes me freeze and retreat because I don't want to "overreact" and "cause a scene". I'm also afraid that if I reacting negatively to their inapropriate behavior, it will cause them to "overreact" or "cause a scene". The feeling is something like "No matter how I try, I can not win.". It's like "There is a conflict. If I react offensively, they will react offensively and it will escalate until one of us kills the other. So I better not react at all". Something like that.
I'm a 47 year old male (said to look more like 40), 193cm and about 95 kilos, quite muscular, I'm more or less always dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with some kind of rock or metal band print and I've been told I often have a concentrated and somewhat "concerned" look on my face when I'm out and about. And on top of that I've got an IQ of around 135. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm quite capable both physically and intellectually and I could probably appear fairly intimidating and slightly overwhelming to some. But instead of me feeling proud, comfortable and good about myself for being strong and smart I always felt like I have to make myself smaller that I am, I have to hold myself back, have to control, restrain and suppress myself both physically, emotionally and intellectually so as not to be too much or too intense. Just so I don't take up too much "space" and make other people feel uncomfortable. But what about me? Why should I always have to be self-sacrificial? It's like someone said somewhere recently, "You have to dim your light constantly so that others can shine". But when do I get to shine? When do I get to express myself to my full extent? I don't know if I could even if I tried to anymore. These maladaptive restrains seems so hard to shed. Like an old dog who's never been without a choke chain.
So, here I am at almost 50, struggling with ADHD and dysthymia (chronic "mild" depression) and some kind of social phobia because of the issues mentioned above. It's like I'm forced to isolate myself from the outside world because I'm too screwed up to function in it. Or perhaps the world is so totally screwed up.Feels like I'm one of the few living survivors in this Zombie Apocalypse.
Any suggestions on how to protect myself? Tools, books, people with experience?
I relate on some of those, i think you should try what i did which I practice not to overthink or sometimes forget the mistakes, problems, regrets, & other negative situations that happened before either from yourself or the closest people you know.
Let's say you forgot who you are temporarily from time to time when you just want to explore the multiple perspectives of people's lives from different countries either fiction or not. Then for me i use various media as a world library based on my interests that grows overtime whereas I learn more about myself & the overall life.
I watch selected Asian dramas mostly Cdrama nowadays (xianxia,wuxia & modern), anime, movies, webtoon comics, multiple genres of youtube contents (daily life vlogs, self help talks, educational topics, philosophy, psychology, history, languages, interviews, architecture, travel tour vlogs, documentaries, entrepreneurial topics, arts & design, affirmations, manifestations, health & beauty, & those of good vibes like comedy skits/variety shows, anything that can uplift the mood, etc.), web books, songs, podcasts, musics, and any type that having an art & story you can learn from and don't forget the Bible. I only choose where i think i can relate, has some connection from my past life which your old self that you forget sometimes, the things were you really interested, some things that could be helpful in the future and the most important trust your gut instinct, don't just pick the trending ones.
In this way you'll put yourself in another person's shoes or experience of those characters you explore or it's also okay if you just observe as an healthy version of INFJ (the best version of you with a natural curiosity of childlike). From this, you'll see how the world, universe & how the life works is really vast. AND as you continue, you can connect the dots little by little the lessons that left you an impact or the answers that you wanted to know and the right things you should do in our lifetime.
Additionally, what I've said above is all just first step to your whatever dreams/plans/goals you may have because we as an INFJ we need to learn how to put those visions into a real action so we can create the reality we wanted. Please, don't let yourself be stuck in a situation you hated. It doesn't matter what kind of struggles we're facing.
Also, try to balance the negative & positive aspects of what you're mind/attention is focusing on daily routine & internet. There's a time were we need to change our environment & the type of community we would want to surround with like move to new city, province or country. Try new habits or things you always put aside. Whichever that can help you grow, because we can always start a new life no matter what. Lastly, our life on Earth is short, we don't have any extra energy to mind other individual's false viewpoint on us and we already in the end times as said from the Bible so we should know better.
That's for now, I'll edit my comment if ever I remember something I could add in the future.
I do really hope this can help your situation and other fellow INFJs who's struggling in their different phases.
Btw, I'm turning 25 this Sept, still trying to help my own life, have no one trusted friends or family I could rely on & show my true self. That's why I decided to use the resources I have, this technology brings big help when use in a right way.
I relate on some of those, i think you should try what i did which I practice not to overthink or sometimes forget the mistakes, problems, regrets, & other negative situations that happened before either from yourself or the closest people you know.
Let's say you forgot who you are temporarily from time to time when you just want to explore the multiple perspectives of people's lives from different countries either fiction or not. Then for me i use various media as a world library based on my interests that grows overtime whereas I learn more about myself & the overall life.
I watch selected Asian dramas mostly Cdrama nowadays (xianxia,wuxia & modern), anime, movies, webtoon comics, multiple genres of youtube contents (daily life vlogs, self help talks, educational topics, philosophy, psychology, history, languages, interviews, architecture, travel tour vlogs, documentaries, entrepreneurial topics, arts & design, affirmations, manifestations, health & beauty, & those of good vibes like comedy skits/variety shows, anything that can uplift the mood, etc.), web books, songs, podcasts, musics, and any type that having an art & story you can learn from and don't forget the Bible. I only choose where i think i can relate, has some connection from my past life which your old self that you forget sometimes, the things were you really interested, some things that could be helpful in the future and the most important trust your gut instinct, don't just pick the trending ones.
In this way you'll put yourself in another person's shoes or experience of those characters you explore or it's also okay if you just observe as an healthy version of INFJ (the best version of you with a natural curiosity of childlike). From this, you'll see how the world, universe & how the life works is really vast. AND as you continue, you can connect the dots little by little the lessons that left you an impact or the answers that you wanted to know and the right things you should do in our lifetime.
Additionally, what I've said above is all just first step to your whatever dreams/plans/goals you may have because we as an INFJ we need to learn how to put those visions into a real action so we can create the reality we wanted. Please, don't let yourself be stuck in a situation you hated. It doesn't matter what kind of struggles we're facing.
Also, try to balance the negative & positive aspects of what you're mind/attention is focusing on daily routine & internet. There's a time were we need to change our environment & the type of community we would want to surround with like move to new city, province or country. Try new habits or things you always put aside. Whichever that can help you grow, because we can always start a new life no matter what. Lastly, our life on Earth is short, we don't have any extra energy to mind other individual's false viewpoint on us and we already in the end times as said from the Bible so we should know better.
That's for now, I'll edit my comment if ever I remember something I could add in the future.
I do really hope this can help your situation and other fellow INFJs who's struggling in their different phases.
Btw, I'm turning 25 this Sept, still trying to help my own life, have no one trusted friends or family I could rely on & show my true self. That's why I decided to use the resources I have, this technology brings big help when use in a right way.
ON POINT 🎯🎯🎯
I basically went through a Deep depression last year because of WEARING THAT MASK. The whole point was: This is NOT ME, THIS NOT MY AUTHENTIC SELF and im tired of acting like it is. FORCED SELF ACCEPTANCE. I need true self acceptance Over Public acceptance.
Are you ok now?
This video deserves more viewings.
But INFJs make up only 1% of the population.
i get it, but it also has to do with mental health and not necessarily about MBTI.
You verbalizing this is very helpful! So much clarity, n Validation. ThankYou
This was excellent. Thank you!
Thank you! I could really identify with this!
Seeing the patterns...and knowing what's going on, what is expected in a given situation.
Excellent...revealing!
THANK YOU from your newest subscriber! You’re a great teacher.
Thank you, this was really helpful
This is so true omg
💫
Are infj loving patient warm and understanding?
yes
they can be loving and they can also be unloving
Everything they say about us is their own baggage to sort and its cartoonishly obvious....
Like dude, the dogshit isnt on my shoe....its on yours shoe, hands, and face.
Im not convinced any if this shit is real life anymore....i feel like ppl are getting more unbearable by the day
have you been following me around