I Had a Surprise Pregnancy at 40
Vložit
- čas přidán 17. 08. 2023
- I Had a Surprise Pregnancy at 40
Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email www.johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
Learn how to change your thoughts, change your behaviors, and change your life. Subscribe to the Dr. John Delony’s show!
czcams.com/users/JohnDelony?...
As heard on this episode:
- BetterHelp - bit.ly/3seoBCe
- DreamCloud - dreamcloudsleep.com/delony
- Hallow - www.hallow.com/delony
- Thorne (25%Off Orders) - www.thorne.com/u/delony
Get John’s Questions for Humans Conversation Cards:
bit.ly/3wkym67
Twitter (@johndelony)
Instagram (@johndelony)
Facebook ( JohnDelony/).
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/Delony and get on your way to being your best self.”
The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show.
If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
www.ramseysolutions.com/compa...
My mom was single till she was 45....met and married my dad ..a widower who had two children...and then..had my twin sister and I at 47. Mom was a nurse midwife in Africa....and never expected to marry..let alone have children. It was an adventure for them...and Not always easy. I just know we were still a blessing in her life!
Wow! Incredible! 👏🏻
So sweet ❤
That’s inspiring.
American white women are so pathetic lol they act like caring for children in a 1st world country is soooooo hard
Outliers don’t make the rule
Do not wait for your children to grow up to start living your life!! Develop career interests, take your family to trips, go camping, go out with your girlfriends on Fridays!! Do not make your world revolve around your children only. Children need to learn live in an adult world too.
Yes, agree! Also, don’t you want your children to know the best version of you? Not the version that is miserable at home playing mindless Barbie games or however the caller described it. Not just that but you are modeling for your children, especially your daughters. Do you want them growing up thinking they too have to sacrifice their entire identity to be a “good mom?” Heck no! Go live your life! When they’re older they’ll respect you for it.
Exactly! Go do something!
I totally agree. Take your children WITH you along your journey in life, but keep and develop your interests! They will admire and learn so much from you. In the long run, they'll be much more well adapted and in tune with their own needs and desires.
This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It’s easier said but in practice it’s a bit more difficult and it becomes more challenging when you become a single parent. If you are lucky you might get a wake up call at some point to reorganize. You are not invisible and you can find a way bring yourself back into the forefront.
We had #2 at 42. It was very very fun. Now 71 and 73 everybody's doin' great!
She's so articulate and brave for saying what she feels. Motherhood is so tough.
All jobs are tough. It’s part of life.
@@miltoncatWhat is the goal of your comment? Genuinely curious.
@@miltoncatJust wondering if you’re a mom?
@@miltoncatmotherhood is the only forever Job. Any other "hard" job is not a permanent position... Motherhood is not a job.
Youre joking right?
I did the exact opposite and had my first baby at 40. Life is hard no matter what side of the grass you sit on. I feel for and understand her.
I had my first and only baby at 39 as well and I did not have a village and I did not contemplate childcare being such an issue. And it broke my marriage.
@@eclipse.5295 You mean he bailed on you, making you a single mom now?
@@jimv77 😉 you got it Jim!!
Me too; only child at 38 in a second marriage. Raising kids is hard no matter what . I am financially comfortable because I had my child later in life but it was hard on my body and I haven’t aged well due to this (I think). If I would have had her at 20, I would have been broke and depending on others to help, but I would have had tons of energy , there is no magical time to do any of this
@@Tristum1970 My brother in law and his wife waited to get married then maybe waited to have kids then tried for 2-3 years..... after scientific help, got twins at age 33....man, they always look tired and both gained weight...always taking naps with the kids...she had to stop working..had to change their car for a minivan....they finally got what they wanted.....but its difficult and safe to say they are done with two kids. I personally think kids are great between age 5-11.....middle school is when they change.....and become young adults.....
If the couple doesn’t connect while the children are little, they aren’t going to magically connect when the kids leave home. I saw it with my parents.
Very true
And also the kids learn to not connect to their future spouse’s!
That said, sometimes it takes awhile. I didn't bond with my firstborn until she was 18 months old, because I had terrible PPD and she was a high-demand infant. But we got there. Not quite the same, I know, but worth considering.
I’m glad you shared this, I got divorced and I wondered if we would have just stuck it out would we have made it? But, we were living two very different lives.
This call was about so much more than a fourth child at 40. She had the guts to express the quiet desperation many women feel because we don't believe we DESERVE the time, the attention, the support or whatever it may be.
It never stops. I’m 60 and I now I spend a lot of time taking care of my Mom. There is always something.
I had disabled grandma until two years ago and disabled child,now i have my disabled child and disabled mom because grandma passed away,it's hard but it's posible,i have all the suport from my husband,without him i will be lost!
Yep.
I hear your heart. 💔
I'm 60 also and spend my days taking care of grand children and AM HAPPY TO DO SO>>>>>>>>>> THIS WOMAN NEEDS TO WORK A REGULAR JOB FOR THE NEXT 30 years so she can appreciate her life more. She comes off as spoiled.
I got pregnant at 41 and lost her when I was 40 weeks. I’d give anything to have another chance at growing our family.
I'm sorry for your loss.
How awful. I’m sorry for such a brutal loss.
I am so sorry for your loss 💔
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you find peace and comfort soon ❤
My heart is devastated for you (myself tried without results for years to get pregnant, now also my husband left because of that).
Listen, this lady's transparency on such a big and heavy topic is really refreshing.
my sister is 47 with an 8.year old. She's very exhausted. It's tough lol
😢guys need condoms
I had a surprise pregnancy at 39. Best surprise of my life
Had my surprise baby at 40 when I thought we were done and were just getting our life back as the older ones were in school. I used to joke with friends about how awful it would be to get pregnant and have to start over 😂 When i told one friend I was pregnant she said “I know it sucks right now but in year you won’t be able to imagine your life without her”. She was so right. She’s 4 now and it’s been hard but she completed something for our family I didn’t even know was needed. She’s the craziest, wildest child I’ve ever known and it was weird to pay for one kid’s college and another’s diapers but it’s also been the best thing ever. I don’t have the energy I did when I was younger but I have a little more wisdom to appreciate these moments more 😊
@@yeislyntorres5304 removing your tubes is pretty invasive. I trusted the pill and my previous diagnosis of infertility. We even tried ivf a few years before. If a pregnancy was a surprise to the mom, then I don’t see a problem calling it a surprise. I’ve known babies conceived after vasectomies and with iuds. Few methods are 100%. It’s like saying you know you could trip while walking so you can never be surprised when it happens. It’s not that deep. I don’t use the word accident when describing my pregnancy though because an accident is something you wouldn’t do over if you had the chance to change it. My surprise was a wonderful thing for us.
That's awesome that she's been such a joy, and such a surprise blessing! Hahaha!!! And crazy and wild sound like a lot of fun! Plus, now her older siblings have all the more reason to come home for visits! Congratulations on such an awesome new adventure! 🎊🎉🎊🎉
It is difficult to be a parent if you wanna do the things right, however I think it was more difficult for her that She did lots of sacrifice what would not needlessly would be needed if She would have some help from people around her or from a babysitter housekeeper when She needed a break or holiday, a hug, love or things what everyone feels alive, like going outside to a park. Yes it is not easy to stand up and tell that this is what you need especially if others don’t understand how much things you have to do as they never did it or if they don’t know that they could give more so that you could have fun too. Don’t let it go you deserve a good life too!
We waited for years for our grandchildren through IVF. Both were born when the mom was in her early and mid forties. They are everything to their parents and relatives.
Our situations are very similar! Life is a bit crazy, but I love my kids!!
I'm 40 and my 4th son is due in November. A blessing! I would tell this lady, the best thing she can do for her mental and emotional well being is delete social media asap.
It fosters discontented feelings, envy, coveting other people. Many people in my life are traveling, their kids are in high school or just graduated and now they have this perceived freedom. But, it's alot of performance imo. A lifestyle they want to project. Meanwhile, I'm asked, "But when will you travel? You're starting another baby at your age?" I have had 3 kids in 5 years, my eldest will be 15 soon and some days I'm touched out, exhausted, even bored. But I thank God I'm not on social media being fed peoples fake, curated existences. I feel free of that inadequate, left out/missing out, not content mindset. I'm telling you... get off social media.
YES. 100%. It’s impossible for a woman to be content, settled, and present in her own life AND use social media.
PS I’m 41… I feel like ladies around our age are starting to get it. Maybe because we’ve now spent large chunks of life both with and without SM.
I think it is quite unfair to call other people's experiences " fake and curated" just because they are different from yours. People out there choose to travel and not have kids and it is ok. It is as ok as having children at 40. Just because you guys don't share the same timeline as others, it doesn't mean theirs are wrong and yours are right. You may have social media without criticism over others, because otherwise you are not better than those that criticize you for having another baby at 40 instead of traveling/partying/whatever...
@@v.s.m.6281OP isn't saying their lives are fake. The way they present their lives on social media are, which really isnt controversial, its been pretty well documented.
What you are saying reminds me of those Christmas letters you get telling everyone how wonderful your life is.
I had my son at 37, and now at 41, I have an 8 month old baby! What a blessing to have them at this stage in my life. ❤
Gives me hope. I’m 36 and still single but want kids/husband.
Me too, I'm in the same boat, Lord hear our hearts desire and answer according to your will. Amen ❤️
37 is a great age yo have a kid. I must be the o ly one who thinks it's a dumb idea to have a kid(s) in your early 20s. You have a lot more to offer a kid in your late 30s/early 40s. People in their 20s are neither mature not financially ready for raising a human. Normalize 35+ pregnancy
@@Dahmer_JeffI highly agree, thanks for vocalizing it into words.
@BKv_ agree with you 100% its soooo much smarter better and easier to enjoy your 20s save some money and THEN have kids in your mid to late 30s....because once you have kids. Alonetime, quiet time, a day off is ALL gone for 20 to 25 years..... unless you have a very trusty nanny or babysitter or grandparents that love to watch theyr grandkids. And not everyone has the money or grabdparents......i have 3 kids and i definitely wish i waited a bit longer but its too late now! Lol 😂
I got pregnant at forty. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. (Not to dismiss her feelings.)
No birth control.?
@@maryanntownsend2889No birth control is 100%
Obviously you had your time before having a child. Nowhere near the same. She's had no time, no career or outside interests and that will continue.
I'm so pleased for you! 🙂 I do wonder what that would be like, I'm also 40
@@hedge1417Yes I think that's the difference.
Friendly reminder that 40 is not that old and that being pregnant at 40 is not that unusual. Women older than 40 can and do have babies. There’s also evidence that in the years preceding peri-menopause, there’s a surge in oestrogen levels which can increase fertility (after a previous dip in oestrogen levels). It’s what the doctor on the TV show Parks and Recreation referred to as a “going out of business sale” when it was discovered that the character Leslie was pregnant with triplets! 😂 throughout history women had larger families, and continued to have children into their 40s. The only difference nowadays is that there are more women in their 40s who are first time mothers
A very close friend of mine had 5!!! Kids in her 40s 😳. I still tell her she is my hero lol
My mother and her friends ALL had surprise pregnancies in their early to late 40s 😂
yeah but thats not the problem she has
As a mom who married at 36 and gave birth at 38 and 40, I love the “going out of business sale” joke from Parks and Recreation.
Pregnancy is very likely at that age it’s just the quality of the pregnancy you need to worry about. Miscarriage, Down syndrome, Autism, genetic disorders, etc. It goes for older men and women though I’m not just picking on the females.
My mother had me @39, her mother had her at 40 and her sister at 43. All healthy
Exactly all the moms I know have kids well into their 30’s. Some even early 40
I don’t think it’s the age she had the baby . I think it’s more that she’s been having babies for the last 20 years and she hasn’t lived the fun stages of her 20s,30sand now 40s
@@elizabethkittyx9139true. She’s burnt out. I can barely handle our 4 year old daughter.
@@elizabethkittyx9139 she wasted her 20's being pregnant and sacrificing her body, beauty, youth, and opportunities..this is why I advise people not to have kids in your 20's or dont have them at all
@@dinajones2761This!!!!
My mom had her 4th kid at 29 and was done. Then she had me at 39. My dad (44 when I was born) wasn’t helpful, always had two jobs, and I know she must have been devastated. She didn’t even tell her mom she was pregnant. My teen siblings were embarrassed. I always felt loved and the older I got the more I envisioned what Mom went through for me. My dad died when I was a senior in high school. They never got to enjoy the empty nest or retirement together. However, I was the tag-along “only child” type that went on amazing vacations and overall had more attention and they had more to spend on me. I had a fun childhood. Thanks to my parents (RIP) for taking on the challenge and loving me even tho I was not part of the original plan. For all parents: Get a sitter and have a life separate from your kids!! That’s important.
Wow that was so well said. Thank you for sharing your experience. Im sorry your dad passed in highschool that must of been really tough. And 100% agree all couples NEED to continue dating and even if you cant afford a sitter once a week after all kids are asleep spend time together watching a movie or eating snacks and a glass of wine or something....it reallly helps.
❤
So beautiful ❤❤❤❤
I find this call ironic. I have the opposite perspective. Half of my friends didn't start having kids until they were in their 40's. They wanted freedom as young adults and now they are ready for the incredible responsibility of child-rearing in middle age. They are so grateful for their babies and chose to have them when they really wanted them.
Lisa, I like and appreciate this comment. Thank you.
I Agree. Once my kids got into private school, most of the mothers were much older.
The problem with waiting is that sometimes by then it doesn't happen or it happens only with very emotionally and financially costly assistance. I am glad at 32 that I am finished. No way I could have waited till 40. I was desperate have kids. I have 3 kids ages 4 and under. This is making me seriously consider an iud though.
But, they had a chance to live their own lives. She's not getting that chance.
Agree. I am 38 and have a 6 year old and a 1 year old. I would have more if my husband was on board! Most of my friends are at the same point with their kids or just getting started. It’s crazy to me to think of being an empty nester in my late 40s.
I love this Mama’s transparency and honesty. This has nothing to do with her love for her children. This, to me, sounds like she has bought into the whole idea that we have been trained into thinking that kids will hold you back, you won’t be able to follow your dreams, you won’t be able to do this or that for X amount of years…the lists goes on. But that’s not true, challenge those narratives that we are sold to believe. Being a mother makes you a powerful person. You can do anything. As much as we are told that kids will come between your marriage and make you guys distant. It doesn’t have to be that way. The kids can bring you closer together. They can make you and your husband’s relationship stronger.
I have four kids. I always swore that I wouldn’t have kids after 30(I’m 29), and I can honestly say that I would have more after I’m 30. This is life. And with or without kids it is hard. There is no easy way out. Relationships and marriages are hard. With our without kids.
Yes, good points. I think there are lots of valuable skills we develop as mothers that can serve us well in other pursuits. And in my experience, children have not driven my husband and I apart. It's actually been a catalyst that drives us closer because we *have* to be creative in figuring out ways to prioritize our relationship. Not that it's always easy, but parenthood will only drive a wedge if you let it.
Best comment
I don't think it's necessarily "buying the idea ", for some people that is what happens, they try to create a life for themselves outside 8heir children, wife role and career role and for some reason they end up sucked into those roles that they feel like they never had the chance to "just be", "just be themselves ". Many factors can contribute to this, some children are more emotionally high maintenance than others, some relationships are more demanding same for jobs.
@neisci it's true. And the reality is you can't have it all, atleast not at the same time. Pretending that something isn't going to go lacking, whether it be the kids, your career, your husband, etc. Is being disingenuous imo. You can't do 5 jobs well, it just doesn't work that way.
@@limiwathis is peak female delusion. If you a Boss B you a Bad Mom. Fullstop no exceptions there aren't 28 hours in her day lol
If she wants a meaningful career, it's not too late. She can do whatever she wants. She's in her early 40's. Go for it.
I bet you the gaps in her employment history won't allow her to be competitive.
@@videofan1010you would be surprised. May have to bite the bullet and get a lesser job for 1-2 years but from there the sky is the limit
@@MrBarragemanmaybe? But the rat race is strong, especially nowadays. Life is hard, she will find her way ❤️
make it up, works for me@@videofan1010
I don’t think she will be happy either way , cause she is unhappy and she’s to unsure and in a negative head space , so if she worked mon-Fri 9-5 she would hate it too , like he said be happy with what side of the fence you’re on
My mother had her 4th @ 42.
FstFwd 10 yrs & Dad has an MI heart attack that kills him.
Leaving Mom with a 10 yr old that kept her going for another 40 yrs.
She died a few yrs ago @ 82.
Leaving a 42 yr old daughter living in the farmhouse her other daughter built some 30 yrs prior.
Me? I was born first in '49 & watched it all unfold as God had planned all along.
I'm the oldest @ 74 & she's the youngest still alive @ 52.
Everyone else is gone.
Don't ever think that because you wanted your life your way, that it was supposed to be just that way.
We are not in control of this life.
The Controller is someone else, Somewhere Else.
You never had control of your life in the first place.
What made you think that today is any different?
Live your life with this Gift you've been given like your life depends on it.
It just may be your lifeline that keeps you going for another 40 yrs.
Thank you I needed to read your msg. God bless you ❤️
I really cannot tell you how much I needed to hear what you had to say ❤️ thank you so much for this!
Beautiful… it really helps to pan out and let yourself see the bigger picture
Beautiful, thank you for telling your story ❤
Very true words ❤
I'm a single father at 45. My youngest is starting kindergarten, and my oldest is starting college this year. I can feel her pain, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
❤️
My former manager had a kid at every school. From Kindergarten to senior in highschool. He was so happy when the senior got her driver's license.
I had a baby when I was 40 having already a couple of teenagers. It was deliberate! This last kid (who is now 39) is a firecracker !! She is a very competent appellate attorney in DC. (Rich too if anyone cares about that.)
No, don't care about the money.
It would be more impressive if she was a happily married homeschooling mom of a bunch of kids.
What would we talk about if we can’t brag about our kids ?
Duuude.... The heartbreak in her voice is PALPABLE! I cried right there with her. I'm sure just saying that statement in the beginning of the show was such a release for her. I'm so glad she was able to get some clarity into her personal guilt and I hope she was able to shift her mental and emotional outlook for something more positive❤
I like what Dr. John has to say about the imaginary finish line. I have been guilty of waiting for my life to get easier and in doing so have missed seasons of my life that I wish I could have back. Life doesn't get easier and you just have to find the joy even in the hard stuff or you might look back and realize you missed your chance at living.
Agree, I needed to hear this, too
The finish line is death
So true.. I had an imaginary finish line to get married.. I was 24 and got married and then realized I could've done so much more with my single season and I was too focused on getting married that I missed out on what I could've done before marriage..
@@MrJimmy3459 - FR tho lol.
@@annav21 - eh being single is overrated and I know this through the girlfriends I've had for the 20 years of my adult life. Yes you can have some "fun" but is it really fun? I've been with my husband since I was 21. And I can tell you that most of my friends got super jealous by the time they were in their early 30s that I had married so early on and been with my husband for so long before they got married. There's no guarantee that you'd be married until much much later (or at all) if you didn't marry this dude you did at 24. Be happy with the choices you made.
The sacrifice of mothers is undeniable…I’m 41 now and trying to get pregnant…excellent advice John!
That said, my mom is 69 (70 in a couple of months) and will finish her PhD next year ❤
Congrats to your mom. Amazing! Good luck to you too.
Juice fasting got me pregnant and being plant based (whole food only)
@@melissam7067 thank you 🙌🏾
@@USA1492 I hope you are getting vitamin K2 from either supplements or natto or drinking copious amounts of unpasteurized, unheated sauerkraut. The amount in unheated sauerkraut is tiny, only like 5 micrograms or something like that.
@@moondog7694or just have a healthy gut microbiome that produces your K2 like it's supposed to
Omg! This woman literally called in for me. I feel the EXACT same way and it’s so refreshing to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. Being a mom is a wonderful blessing but honestly it’s okay to have an outlet and another identity aside from mom. I’m learning that as I go through this season. It’s what helps me cope with the rough days.
I just turned 37! and we are wanting to have our first baby next year. It took me a very long time to decide whether I wanted a child (due to childhood trauma, anxiety, and fear). Now I do want a child in our lives! Wish us luck. :)
Many blessings to you.
Good luck 🤞
Why are you waiting another year?
@@gbaca07 Well they take about 9 months to cook in the womb, so that leaves out this year....🤣🤣
Blessings!
My mother in law had a surprise baby at 42. He is graduating high school this year and he's growing up to be a lovely young man and she's living her best life.
Um housewife here and our kids are teenagers and sometimes I am invisible at 46, but I am in control of my own destiny and I lean on my husband when times are rough and not keep it inside and try to do it all on my own. It is ok to grieve, but then you find a way to make things work. My husband and I find ways to connect--we go to the store together or lunch, when the kids were small I found babysitters. You have to find a way. Stop comparing yourself to other couples--everyone posts the best part of their lives on Facebook or Instragram--that doesn't mean it is real.
I was married for 25 years and just became an empty nester and found out I was pregnant and before I found out I was pregnant we were traveling and living the dream it was quit the surprise to say the least !!! My youngest was 18 years old .I was bitter because I felt like my life had to change and my husbands didn't' , It was such an adjustment !!! I did choose to enjoy my daily life and once I did that it became a very positive in my life ! My daughter is almost 16 years old now and most of our travels are based on things she wants to do and I feel like she is keeping us so young with down hill skiing and camping and all the activities they bring . She is one of the greatest joys of our lives!!!! I pray you will feel the joy they bring!!! Use your voice and live your life with your children it goes by fast !!! I definitely feel your pain !!! I really like the saying " I choose joy " It really helps ! If we make the best of any situation our life is much happier ! I know it's easier said than done but the more you choose joy the easier it is to be happy ! God Bless your family !!!
AMEN! I love it. My youngest was unplanned. He is now 27 and my greatest joy. He’s out on his own and though I see him regularly, I sure do miss having him at home.
Wow this might be my favorite episode! John was so clear on his advice. Man, that advice can really go for everyone! Life is not what happens when you finally… Life is happening now!
I empathize with this caller. This was me: I had my boys at 24 and 28. Thought we were done and had my daughter at 36. My husband was 42. I was very depressed the whole pregnancy about starting over after 8 years. I got her in my arms and never looked back. She has absolutely changed our family dynamic for the better. Everyone in my household is that much more gentle and caring. I also realized that having large gaps between children was more common than I thought. At the end of the day, our daughter was God's Plan and she is supposed to be here. I have nothing but gratitude in my heart, even with the sleepless nights. Thank you for this call, Dr. John.
I'm turning 40 this month and wish we could have more kids. That said, don't let them stop you from having fun! Just do it with them
Having young children does not make women invisible…unless they tell themselves that all the time. There is so much joy to be found in the hard things.😊
Came here to say this!
@@wordsalad01bet the support isn’t there though
being a mother makes you a little invisible..its not sexy and there's no point in having kids
@@KatieLHall-fy1hw I thought the same thing at her reaction when John said to speak to her husband. She didn’t seem too confident that voicing her needs would go over very well.
@@wordsalad01 but don’t forget, the time away has a cost: her husband has to watch them. What if he doesn’t want to? What if they can’t get a baby sitter? What if she is gone “too long” as designated by whoever? There is always a cost. I am sure this hasn’t gone I weighed by her in some aspect
I wonder how they can reorient their lives to not feel in a fog. I’m 37 with a new baby and trying for another. I also had a son in my early 20s. You have to build your children into your life and not worry so much about the general expectations. I’m a SAHM and my husband works from home, which gives us a lot of time together during the day in general, but also we don’t inflate our evenings with a million expectations and extracurriculars. I think it’s also so important to stay off social media and not see how other’s are living their 40s. Comparison is the thief of joy. Children are such a blessing.
Well said
Mothers wouldn't feel like they were in a fog if families and communities actually lived close to each other and helped out daily....like we are wired to and did for millinium!!
Im 55 never pregnant working all the time count your blessings lady
It's true. There is NO finish line. Living in the present is all we can do to keep us sane.
Being a mom is tough. Being a woman is tough. I can’t imagine how I would feel knowing that I planned for a next phase in life, only to find myself back at square one. She needs her own identity. Something that makes her just her - a business, a hobby, a passion project, something. She should work with her family to create something like that.
Being a man is also tough
It sounds like she doesn't have a supportive community of people that could help her with her kids. If I could do it all over again I would budget for childcare so I could carve out time for myself. I completely disappeared when raising my kids. It was ROUGH.
@@watchman9198??? Did I miss something? Did a man call in? Can we stay on topic please?
@@ms2bloved126 I agree. I don’t want to have children until at least I’m debt free and I’ve saved up money for their future.
When she said that she wasted her time playing barbies it hit me in the gut…I feel so bad constantly because I hate playing with my kid- or any kid at all. So she’s one huge step ahead of me in being accomplished as a mom!
The grass is always greener !!
We have to love the shade of green were in at the moment
I feel this lady. I think she needs a part-time job she enjoys to have an outlet where she can feel like herself. Part-time work has helped me so much!
I'm the last of 3, my mom had me at 42. I'm currently pregnant with my 1st at 39 years old (baby is perfectly healthy). I can tell you I LIVED in my 20s so I'm at the point in my life where I'm completely ready for this step. That being said, not everyone's pathway is the same. People have to learn that our life paths are never one and the same.
I did the same as you and also felt lucky to have lived my 20’s and 30’s to the fullest but was NOT prepared for this new life once the baby came. I wish you a smooth delivery and all the best!! It’s hard mama!
My daughter is 36, my son is 38. Both never married nor have children. Happiness comes from within by not comparing yourself to what others have done or not done. Each of us have a choice on how we live a fulfilling life. I sympathise with the caller but she is so blessed to have a husband and children and if she desires a career she can have that to. She can start out either teleworking or part time work outside the home.
By LIVED in capitals, did you mean getting drunk a alot and taking various street drugs while moving from city to city?
Praise Jesus gives me hope. I’m still single at 36 and want children.
Hey my mom had ke at 43 and my dad was 45. I don't understand why people are surprised. Was it a thing for people in their 40s to have baies in the 90s?
I have 3 sons. Had had my youngest at 38. I think he has kept me young. I’m 61 and I’m so grateful that I have him. He has been such a blessing. I went back to school 4 years after he was born.
It is such a great gift to be a Mom. Don’t believe the lies society tells us as women. Make time for yourself. Find a hobby that you enjoy doing .
I. 71 now, raised 2 kids and still remember my parents words……Always remember that you were a couple before you were parents. Nurture that relationship and your kids will thrive. They were so supportive and from the ages of about 2&4, they came to our house for a week once a year so my husband and I could go on vacation. That wisdom and their time was one of the best gifts they could have given us and our marriage. Find a way to make time as a couple. Your children will be fine without you for a bit, and they will be better because you will be stronger.
❤What precious gifts your parents gave you.
I had my surprise baby at 40. My older two were 12 and 9. My “baby” just graduated high school. I really got to enjoy him more than my other two when he was a baby.
I married late (39) and had my two kids at 42 and the second at 47. My wife was 29 and 33, respectively. It's been an awesome ride. Yes, it sort of sucks that when my youngest is 23 I'll be 70. But he loves both of us unconditionally. Being an older parent has kept me young.
Being a mother is tough. My heart goes out to you momma. Love to you❤️
The very best happiest days of my life was when my children's were young ,the empty nest has it's advantages but it is over rated. Live everyday like it's going to be your best ❤
Seriously??? First she doesn't know contraception?? Ima 49 year old mother of a 5 year old daughter, it's the best time of my life... you control your life, make it fun and worth living everyday to the fullest. And so agree with Dr John they make their lives miserable it's up to them
Not "she doesnt know contraception"....THEY didnt know contraception.
@melissam7067 it may happen again... so She "doesn't" know contraception is still a reality 🤣 and yes THEY is right too
Your first caller I am compassionate towards. I must tell you I had fertility issues. I joined IVF at 35. All I wanted was to experience motherhood. Never in my wildest dream did I think I would have a child with a disability. I am his carer/full time mum until I die. I am getting older and tired as he depends on me 100%. I have no choice but to do until I die for my 28 year old son. I envy everyone who has a normal child who moves out and gets on with their empty nest lives. I may have that in my next life.
Seriously? How could you not expect that given what society deems "advanced maternal age"
What despicable comment. @@ineedhoez
@@ineedhoezWHOS A HUGE PILE OF 💩?!
YOU ARE!
I hope nobody chooses your sorry ass for a partner cause what a joke of a partnership they'd get from you. I have never seen a more disgustingly despicable comment to this day as the one you made. I bet your mom regrets the day you were born! How do you feel about that sad truth?!
I’m so sorry for you Mama. Please try your best to take care of yourself.
@@user-cq1en7td4h Blessings to you for your kind response. Take care.
Am I the only one who cringed when the caller said her husband wears the pants in the family? Dr. Delony asked if she could tell her husband her wants and needs. Her response, “Oh I don’t know, he wears the pants in the family.”
Aside from the reason she initially called, this spoke volumes to me. I may be 100% off base (I actually hope I’m wrong), but I got the impression her husband doesn’t support her and maybe contributes to her feeling invisible.
Finally someone like me who gets her! Im 45, our last is of to college next month and I cant wait to enjoy my next season of just the two of us. I'm right now renovating and furnishing our home for us. All white coz no kids! I can't imagine starting again from scratch at my age. I have an IUD and I still do safe days!! No taking chances! I've told myself that if I end up pregnant I wont even be angry, I'll know God really wanted it and just accept. Who am I to say no???
Bingo! There’s more to this story
100%. Grown ass women who are true partners with their husbands don’t sob on the phone to some CZcams therapist. They talk it out with their spouse and figure out how they’re going to help support each other through this new chapter of life. Sounds like she’s got zero support at home.
@@jackieyoung3359agreed.
Also made me wonder why her husband didn’t just get a vasectomy when they had their first surprise at 30.
She can just say, “Let’s find a daycare. I’m not staying home with this one.” The kid will turn out ok.
In my opinion a good education focused daycare is in many cases better because it helps socialize the child earlier. It seriously helped my daughter come out of her shell and speak more when we got her in. She was almost silent when she started, I was so worried I saw a speech pathologist. Six months later my little girl was a total chatterbox, didn't need to see the speech pathologist again. I however don't like the kind of daycare that lets the kids run wild.
None of my kids went to day care & all of them were socialized just fine. All married, all working full time, all have purchased homes...obviously I don't buy into putting your infant into day care.
@@ddawe31635 this is what my daughter says "why have kids and later put them in day care"
Christian Nanny and Christian daycares is a good option if they have money😢or see if any family member's need a child?
I had one at 40, 42, and 44. So grateful for these three girls!
I had a similar experience. I was 42 with my last. I had been coming out of a 3 year illness and just didn’t even think it would happen. I did nothing to prevent it as we were always open to life. But honestly, I didn’t think it would happen with me being ill and showing signs of menopause.
While I was happy to think of another wonderful human being in our lives i was also a little scared and disappointed at the same time.
I had 6 kids that I had just “neglected” for 3 years. I was looking forward to being a normal mom again and I was looking forward to spending more time with my husband.
We had started talking about vacations with just the two of us but we had to start all over again.
This guy is right, ya gotta roll with the punches.
I recently realized that with anything in life, my attitude is the problem. If I’m not living my best life, it’s because of me, no one else.
BTW, my last child just turned 10 yesterday. He’s a joy! Time went by crazy fast.
Also, in the past 7 years I’ve been to Cozumel twice and a few days here and there flying to see family and friends. And my husband and I occasionally get a hotel somewhere for the night and the older kids watch the younger ones. (For bigger Cozumel we flew in a trusted aunt to take care of the kids).
It can be done!!!
Ladies if you are still having a cycle and a period ad you aren't post-menopausal, you can get pregnant
@@sueblack5794 🙄 Like we don’t know that. You don’t know the whole story or our belief system.
Artificial bc is an abortifacient and I would never take something that has a “back up plan” of killing a child if it’s conceived.
And if I did believe in taking other forms that weren’t an abortifacient, they’re quite ineffective. So, I’d get pregnant eventually anyway.
Children are a gift from God not commodities to be had when we “feel” like it. This is why there’s been over 60 million abortions in America alone since 1973. That’s not including the spontaneous abortions from the “back up plan “ in the bc pill.
But of course that’s the modern day mentality. 🙄 No wonder society is going to hell in a hand basket.
I love this comment 100
This is great advise
My question in situations like this, is why didn't they do something permanent when they decided they were done? That's what we did. 2 kids in our 20's. Vasectomy when he was 33 and I was 30. That said, I would have been thrilled if I had gotten pregnant again. Just wasn't something we planned to do, but it would have been fine if it had happened.
I'm wondering the same thing. It didn't sound like she wanted anymore kids. So, why didn't she or her husband just decide to get a procedure where pregnancy wouldn't happen.
Exactly, and this is the exact reason why I do t feel bad for her, there are a bunch of options out there that will 100% eliminate the possibility of this happening and she decided not to do any of them, so no she just needs to make the best of her situation and not act like her life is cursed
I wanted 4. We had 3. And we thought we were done. Then surprise. We got a surprise. We absolutely love that child.
Had my tubes tight after that.
Agree. I’m guessing she’s religious but I would have had a termination. She’s suffering and knew it from the start of the pregnancy. Why go through with the pregnancy if you know it’s going to make you miserable? It seems like people invite these situations into their life sometimes although I do feel for her.
I thought the same thing. If you didn’t want anymore kids, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Sorry but I can’t feel bad for her. It’s called being proactive………
Man so opposite for me. I just had my 1st baby at 41, in 2020, and 2nd at 43. I am super happy. I'm exhausted but super happy. I don't understand how ppl want to get a babysitter and get away. I work full time, but rather be home. I think because I did things late in life, I may have something to do with it. But she has a right to feel the way she does. I do wish I could have more, but I met my husband late in life. And it took 3 years to even get pregnant. She is blessed, but it's hard to see that right now. I wish her well.
We were 50 when we adopted our 3 year old son…it’s a really long story but he was a big surprise….best best best thing that ever happened to us…there have been hard parts to raising a child at our age but we’re so blessed by him…
❤ this makes my heart so happy.
Got my son at 41, and so grateful to have him.
And so she should be happy, too? 🙄
I have 3 kids. 7, 4, 17 months. I’m in a registered nursing program living my life with my kids in tow. They enrich my life, they don’t stop me from doing anything.
I’m retired and now raising my granddaughter. I’m grieving the life I thought I would have
God bless you for being there for your granddaughter
Perspective is everything and essential. Having babies in our 20’s, 30’s & 40’s has been beautiful; money has been tight our first 30 years of marriage but we survived. Romanticizing working outside the home will not help your situation; work is work no matter where it happens. Sitting on the floor playing with children is not essential all day every day; teach your children to entertain themselves with their toys.
When I was 34 and had 3 children, I was sure we were done. Had a surprise pregnancy and I cried. I didn't know how I was going to do it. Then I lost that baby amd grieved and felt so guilty for how I initially felt. I hope that baby knows I did want and love her. We then decided we weren't done and were blessed with 2 more after that. Unfortunately yesterday we experienced another loss. 😢 Most days I feel like I'm going insane, but I love my babies so much and never want to stop. Although yes, I know I need to some day 🙂
I hope this woman finds peace and knows how valuable her role as a mother is.
I know how she feels. She was looking forward to more freedom and using her talent. It doesn’t mean that it’s wasted on her children. I felt the same way and went back to school at 38 and had 4 kids in addition to working 2 jobs. Ended up having a great career while my kids were in school and made sure I was there to pick them up from school. You can do it , take time for yourself and ask for help! It’s not selfish to want to be seen, heard and feel valued outside your family. ❤❤
Hubby and I are having our first at 34 and 36. We are healthy as whips and a lot of our friends waited. 18 years isnt a big deal but in my honest opinion waiting was the BEST decision we made. Our mortgage will be paid off and I can dedicate my time to being a stay at home mom with a lot less stress than those who aged themselves from the stress! PLUS its SCIENTIFICALLY proven women who have kids later in life actually LIVE longer. She needs to relax she isnt 60!!!
My friend had 5 kids in her 40s so i told her she has to live to be 110 to make sure she is around for grand babies lol she is an amazing mom.
@@OM-or3im How so ? If her kids start having kids in their 30s or 40s she would be in her 70s-80s which is the average lifespan anyway . Nothing wild .
I had my 7th baby at age 41. I love being a mother. I hope to have more. Being a housewife and mother is so fulfilling for me. I guess everybody is different.
Yes and you are special!
Yeah.. i would trade place with her or you in a heart beat. That life sounds so fulfilling and is my dream. Not every woman has the gift of fertility esp at that age
Great attitude, God bless you 🙏🏾
Cool but that's not HER story.
Yes. Everyone is different. The world would be very boring if we were all the same 😊
I am having my 8th child at 40! Honestly we have weird feelings that aren’t reality my Grammy had her last baby at 40 and so did my dad’s mother! (My Babci ) I and a homeschooling momma stay at home… it IS HARD!!! But it’s WONDERFUL FOR OUR FAMILY !!! My older kids watch our younger kids once a week and we go out to eat! Our older kids are 17&15 you need to take a deep breath and count your blessings each and every moment!💖 our society wants us to be free of “burden” and be selfish and doing for ourselves! This is not a good thing… oh yes definitely it feels awesome! Live your life WITH your children!! Treat yourself with love and kindness and give yourself a treat a massage or something nice to help YOU be better .. to relieve stress… live and be happy! You WILL be an empty nester at some point.. we all have needs … show your kids who YOU really are! Besides just momma!! But if you don’t get your needs met you won’t be the best you can for everyone else!🤷♀️💖💖 be kind to yourself
Thank you for being so brave and reaching out! I believe you have just began an awesome journey of self discovery. There is nothing keeping you from the life you want except the limiting beliefs you have been holding on to. Once you let go and create new beliefs the sky is the limit for you. You will be more fulfilled than you ever dreamed possible. ❤
I'm in the middle of IVF...just waiting on the transfer. It will be our first and I'm 39...will be 40 by the time the baby comes...if we get pregnant. I am scared to have a kid so late in life, but I've wanted this my whole life!
Good luck and baby dust to you!❤
@@CF. thank you so much!
Hope it works out! ❤
The problem is that she was a SAHM, not that she’s having another kid in her 40s. If she had children and had a career at the same time, she would never feel like her life was “on hold” while she was raising her kids.
most people are commenting just based on the title
That's easy to say when y'all have someone practically raising your kids most of the day
Dr. John, though I’ve listened to some of your talks, until today I hadn’t subscribed, but your response to this lovely woman gave me so much respect for you I subscribed. Thank you for sharing your great advice!
I loved how John handled this call! Great advice, even for myself. I could relate to some of what she was describing, although not to the same degree as her. I don’t think of myself as invisible or that I won’t start living until my kids are grown. Geez what an outlook to have. You’re in control of your life. If you don’t like it make a change!! Quit thinking of the kids as a handy-cap or an excuse. You can watch life pass you by or you can get busy living and loving life!
My 54 year old aunt and her husband just welcomed their first children (twins) after trying for almost 2 decades. They used IVF and everyone is incredibly happy for them, they’ve had a lot of let down but Jesus came through!
Wow, I'm 38 and have some eggs frozen. This gives me hope.
Wow that’s amazing ❤
That's gross
@@Taylormademan900so are you 😂
@@Taylormademan900 nobody cares what you think.
I can totally see how she is grieving the life she thought she would have.
I mean we can all have plans and dreams for the future.
She is not a monster for not dreaming to have another child at forty.
He is so right! I felt like this, and then I realised it did have to be that way. Got some work where the ppl were super understandable and supported about being a mum. Most were mums with kids too.
There's no need to wait to get into it all and enjoy yourself.
This one brought me to tears... Thank you, John, for speaking of how valuable motherhood is and who can encourage us towards the full thriving life!
Really appreciate her sharing her experiences I am sure it was not easy, raising kids is difficult ofcourse but being intentional and living life creating special moments along the way bring peace and joy, love YOUR life, dont let it pass you by
I feels this lady's grief.. Unexpected blessings always come at a cost. I hope she can find time for herself.
Oh my gosh John I love your response to this wonderful lady. And listen to her laugh!!!
My heart goes out to her and I feel very similar. It’s very brave of her share that with us.
I had my second son at 40. It’s very different. It’s much easier. It’s going to be ok my friend. I am 50 now. MAKE the time to do something for yourself. You will feel better mom.
Dr John is on point. Great advice Dr John
I don't think you don't live while your kids are little and you live only after. This mindset hurts her.
THIS WAS SUCH GREAAAAAT ADVICE. Your kids come into your life, not the other way around
❤❤❤
Thank you for saying it out loud! ❤
I had a surprise pregnancy at 43! I cried listening because I had all those feelings of starting over! You can love your kids and still grieve what you thought life would’ve been or the possibilities of a new season where you can focus on yourself without worrying about leaving little little ones behind. I totally get it! You’re not wrong to have these feelings but I will say it’s a choice. There is a way to find joy in the new season even if you’re freakin tired all the time.
When my mind goes to the what ifs I try and shake it off quick and say thank you God for the blessing and help me walk it out with purpose!
You got this! There is a way to enjoy this unexpected season but yes it’s a daily choice to value the little all things. ❤ I agree with Dr John is right you need to make changes that will make you feel relevant in your own life. ❤ Praying for you! ❤
Momma, find yourself. Find a hobby you love and enjoy time doing it. Hang out with friends guilt free. Support your husband in doing this as well so when it's your time he supports you. And then date your husband. When the kids are finally busy or out you gotta still love this guy. This is how I do things and over all pretty happy. When life slips up and I find I haven't made myself a priority I can feel it and it's a reminder that I need time in my hobby or with friends. Sometimes my kids ask if they can come and I tell them this is just mommy time and I will come home missing you and so excited to hear what you did when I am gone
Excellent advice!
Why is she angry for not controlling her own fertility? My mother was like this. She hated the life she made with my father, hated being a mother, hated being a wife, and blamed the entire world for the choices SHE made - but never herself. It ain't over 'til it's over, girl. Take responsibility for your own actions - that's where healing starts.
Exactly.. this lady is crazy… too many birth control options out here now..
@@chrissy1448 ok so im not the only one who thinks she's nuts
Yes I agree! Did they just poke and pray?? 😂
She needs to take responsibility for what happens to her own body...
Although I do hope for the best ❤
I stopped at one I knew my limits 😂
I think she’s using this poor child as an excuse for not having achieved the things she wanted for her life, she may even have gotten pregnant so she would have someone else to blame for her perceived failures. I think her kids were grown and she finally didn’t have an excuse for not getting out there and achieving her goals, and she panicked and got pregnant so she had an excuse again. I think the post she made had her panicked because reality hit.
And totally disappointed that he didn’t even call her out for being responsible for her own contraception if she didn’t want more kids.
This is now my favorite call to Dr. Delony! So many of us are on your side Amy!
She’s explaining her feelings so well. I’m not going through that but can totally sympathize with the feelings. God bless her.
Oh man. I wish I could convince Amy that there are SO many ways to be a great mom. I feel like she's got this idea of a "mom mold" that sacrifices everything, including Self, at all times. I can tell you as a teacher of 30 years, that's not even good for your children. It's better for them to see that you are a happy, fulfilled person on your own with much joy and happiness to spill over into them. Amy, whatever you dreamed for your 40s, do your best to make that happen even though you have a preschooler now. You can do this!
Enjoy every little moment. Kids grow up very quickly and.
They can also read you like a book.
They’re smarter than you think they are and eventually your toddler will be independent and all grown up before you know it.
Find little moments every day for you and your husband to enjoy life together, even though we have a little kid at home.
I wish I had kids right now, but it hasn’t been the season for me yet. I haven’t found a future husband yet.
It’ll happen when it happens for different people.
I’m so happy for you, Amy.
Sometimes the story that you tell yourself that will make all the difference. I think that you’re one of the luckiest women in the world and I’m very honest about that.
He will be OK.
Thank you so much for this episode, the insight and love is really helpful to me as a mom!
She is so articulate. I cried tears of compassion just hearing her explain her feelings.
What bothers me is that she clearly never had anyone come along side her and help her change her mindset about her kids' childhoods or the true beauty of life and potential and purpose she has raising her kids. She clearly felt it was something to be endured until she could be an empty nester. The "little kid fog" as she calls it isn't really a thing if handled in a healthy way. It doesn't sound like she had any sense of making life with kids a real true, vibrant life, one where she could be whole and happy along with her children. One where she could be herself, along with her kids. Kids need their mothers to be themselves, to be happy, to be whole. They can sense when their mothers are just "enduring." It's hard but possible and I have seen it done to have mothers be whole and happy. The key is that these mothers look at life with their children as real meaningful life, and they don't just see it as a waiting period. They embrace it as a wonderful task, and a wonderful time where they can use their potential to teach, train, love and raise those kids. They don't view it as a time of wasted potential, but a time to fully use their potential. They also take time to invest in themselves and their marriage. They make sure they have date nights, naps or quiet times scheduled so they can rest, read, or do hobbies, and keep a good balance in life as much as possible. The mindset she has had all these years is so toxic and ruins so many mothers lives and trickles down to the kids. I hope someone can help her understand that.
My best friend just had a perfectly healthy baby yesterday at the age of 43. Times have changed!
thats not the callers problem though, watch the video
@@michelleh4717 I did watch the video. He told the caller not to read the comments. So I decided to be in awe of the wonder of God instead!
I love this woman for speaking her truth! So many mamas are so afraid of being judged. It’s hard, oh my ❤️
I had the same thing at 40. I already had a 15 and 20 year old. My surprise child is now almost 18. I felt the same way you do. I am 59 and my husband 62. We are living a great life. You will too ❤❤
Thank you! You don't even know how much you helped me! First son single motherhood. When my son was 16, I got pregnant very unwanted. I was starting to live and then such a shock came upon me. I gave birth to my second child at the age of 38. Now I'm 40. I feel bad every day. I'm thinking about running away. I'm afraid I'll die and the baby will be small and I won't enjoy life. It's all in my head. My husband works 10 hours a day. I'm under constant stress. I love my daughter but I am desperate. I lost my whole life.
I get it. I’m 40 and would flip out if I got pregnant. My kids are grown and to start all over…. but that’s why I use protective measures to ensure that doesn’t happen. this Sucks for her. Kids are a blessing but also a huge burden so you must be ready for that responsibility. This is MY time in life now, time for me to be selfish and have the time I didn’t have for myself in my 20’s
I think me and you we're the only ones responded honestly to this
I had a plan. Two children in my 20's, study so I could have a job lined up by the time my children were at school. My birth control failed twice after the first two so I now have four boys. I'm now 41 and I won't let my husband near me until he gets the snip as I'm terrified of it happening again.
He is finally booked one for next month but there's this niggling terror at the back of my mind. What if that fails too? That would be just my luck.
I had 2 boys, the second at 41. I never put my life on hold.
Motherhood is tough! I completely understand her. I also got a surprised pregnancy at 39. It was hard. As a full time monther and I work full time as well. No nanny just me and my husband who work full time as well. Good thing my husband helps me i the house and whatever needs to do in the house and childrens school. Dont forget to pamper yourself. If you feel so drain. Let your husband takes care of your children and have fun and do Something to refill your self. God bless you! ❤️
Wow what a great conversation, about such a deep and real issue. Kudos to this lady for being brave enough to call in and be honest like this.
My late sister-in-law had very similar feelings when she found out she was pregnant with her last child. Thankfully she quickly got over it after he was born and loved that little boy to pieces for the 4 years she had with him before passing. ❤❤️