How to Get Over Someone You STILL Can't Get Over
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- čas přidán 3. 08. 2022
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“Stop ignoring ACTIONS and trusting Words. Stop giving your all to a person who gives you nothing. Stop hanging on to someone who has let go of you. Stop expecting change from a person who doesn’t want to be changed. Stop letting the fear of loneliness cause you to settle for less than what you deserve. Stop letting the wrong reasons keep you in a relationship that isn’t right for you. Stop breaking your own heart. (By Trent Shelton)
Very true
Thanks for sharing this
No mo tears
Get this 100% but I have chosen to stay in one hell of a toxic environment with a complete narcissist as I can not afford to bloody leave!!! My cortisone and adrenaline levels are off the scale, walking on eggshells is a complete nightmare that I live daily
Thank you
“They didn't give you what you wanted, so by definition they are not what you wanted.”
- Matthew Hussey
"the absence of character will produce hell, even if its the greatest chemistry" this hit me
100% my last relationship
Me too !
It hits me too.
Fookit i needed to hear this!
It’s absolutely true!!!Best advice!
"Our tendency is to overvalue chemistry and undervalue character". Another wise quote by one of my favorite philosophers Matthew Hussey
I know of a very powerful spell caster, Dr Joel caster on youtube he has helped lot of people get their ex back, you can search for him on CZcams for some work.
Very true Matt being wise philosopher!!! And Steve, and now lovely Audrey xxx
He's good!
Oxytocin is nature's red flag 🚩 love on the other hand exceeds limmerence
@@kimgordon3695 couldn't have said better myself
I am mourning what I wanted it to be, which it never was.
I feel your pain. I agree with so much that was said in this video. It's the truth but is oftentimes so hard to accept.
Growing up with a horrible childhood, being alone and unloved. Ive discovered that I have developed severe attachment issues and I have a real hard time letting go. Ive always found that I spend so much time thinking about "What Could Have Been" Its such a hard battle for me. This is just what I needed to hear even as a Guy. Thank you
I relate so much to what you said here.
i completely understand:( i had a completely shit childhood too. going thru a break-up rn with someone im attached to… it sucks but best of luck to u!
I’m there with you. Same situation
Same. Just been broken up with and trying to let go of them is killing me. I haven't reached out but missing them is so hard 💔
@@samuk4093 stay strong ❤️
After watching this video, I immediatelly started writing down a personal note listing all the reasons I should forget about her. As I finished writing all the reasons that came to my mind, I wrote one final point…
“Because you deserve to be loved”
I was holding back tears writing that last part. But I think overall, it was the most important one.
Thats a good one brother! Stay strong
Thank you for sharing
Your last point made me tear up Simon.
I’m hurting thinking how can my partner just jump to someone else when we just broke up.
And it hurts me more that I’m bothered because we didn’t have a good relationship, it was only good as a friendship but not a partner with not listening to me and arguing with me when I want to share my opinion
I hope you find someone special, who values and cherishes you ❤
I hear you bro. Going through the same pain. This excellent podcast is gonna help
May you and ALL of us be blessed with reciprocal and lasting love 🙏💗🙏
Chemistry vs character. This is amazing, how we ignore character to keep the chemistry. ‘The absence of character will produce hell in a relationship.’ Thank you!!
Akanksha Singh. Ur words are so soothing.
💞
So appreciate this video! Bang on!
🌷
Yes, all this is logical, but chemistry is so powerful. It is in the body & heart, & overrides all thought & logic. That’s why it is so hard to move past, like any powerful experience involving danger, fear or tragedy.
It cannot be approached with logic.
How to take someone off the pedestal who is not right for you
1. Actually recall what wasn't good about this person, and connect to it the same way you connect to the good
2. In what ways has this situation made you miserable ?
3. In what ways has this person acted selfishly, or not knowing you are hurting, not being caring or thoughtful, the ghosting
4. In what ways this person made you sad, mad or miserable
5. Notice in other people the qualities they have that he didn't have.
Don't compare chemistry, but notice character.
Noticing empathy, kindness, selflessness, generosity etc.
There are other people in the world that have extremely important characteristics that are the cornerstones of a lasting relationship
What I need is someone with these wonderful qualities and characteristics and chemistry,
NOT someone with these characteristics and no chemistry, and
NOT someone with chemistry and no characteristics ❤
Love the actionable steps! Thanks for putting them in text!
“If someone didn’t commit to us, they couldn’t be everything we wanted.” So logical yet here we all are replaying those times because in the moment it felt amazing. I’m not finished with the video yet but I’m grateful to see these comments and feel affinity with everyone else struggling with this same thing. May you all be happy and healed ❤
Nostalgia is totally crippling and leaves you stuck in the past
This all comes from not loving yourself. It’s so sad. 😢
I was just being depressed in my tiny room, missing somebody that I know in my head that has to be got over already, but coulnd't. I needed this video so much. Thank you Matthew. Always.
Same boat
This is where I am now … there’s hope :)
All the best on your journey to heal mate, and to those also in the same place. We'll get there.
@@VaporeonCompilations love your pfp
@@xFersureMatt Thanks mate, here's a link to the picture if you're interested i.imgur.com/0mjfBjB.png
Loved the topic. Every 15 year old girl should watch your videos, would save them years of confusion and pain.
Hell yeees 50yrs off trying,mistakes, finally might have got there HERES to 2022
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
My words !I’ve waisted many long relationships for same kind of guy over and over,then wanting to try again to build another healthy relationship ,
Yes. Oh, the 15 year old we used to be.
That person we wanted, he is eating his heart out now.
And boy
She fell in love with a narcissist who was lying to her the whole time. She’s in love with an idea of him, not who he really is.
Sounds like Trish the dish
100%
It's not about any of us being good enough, it's about our exes not being smart enough.
‘Over value chemistry and under value character’
Nailed it 👌🏽👏🏽
1. Actually recall what wasn't good about this person.
In what ways did the situation made your miserable?
In what ways has this person acted selfishly
2. Notice when someone shows an important character trait that this person didnt have
Realize that there are other people out there that share your values and have traits that will actually make you happy and make the relationship last.
This is golden.
Your comment is wonderful the ex boyfriend and Iad great chemistry but his characterwas worthless, a user... taker,,, no interest in me as a person, never asking one question about em or my background, so selfish as to be laughable......I keep a list for me of all the bad things
Someone, you are truly right on this assessment. We tend to idolize the person we love and miss so much that we become blind, and miss other opportunities to be in a healthy relationship. Why does love has to hurt so much???? Blessings
The catch 22 of knowing this as truth and being blind to it until it is proven true.
Yes
Been through this and then I came to realization that it wasn't the person I was attached to, it was the feelings. Hope Louise finds peace within herself and eventually finds an amazing guy.
What happened i feel like this now
Went through this exact same thing. Crying watching this and wondering how many times will I have to grieve this person? Why did I even meet him in the first place? It’s been almost a year of no contact and I’m still not over him. I’ve tried to date other guys after but nothing stuck, I felt awful with them. I miss him so much. Im worried I’ll never be able to move on.
If your partner ghosts you, he doesn’t have a character, so he doesn’t deserve space and time in your head. Valuable person would not ghosts you, but told you in person that he wasn’t ready. That’s called respect and regard for your partner. If you value yourself by this realization forgetting about someone like that should be easy. Focus on him ghosting you, not the connection and chemistry you had. Respect yourself enough to let him go. You deserve better.
People lie. Sometimes unintentionally and sometimes with the best intentions. I dated a girl and I sincerely wanted to marry her and told her I wanted to be that man. I broke her heart when I kept on pushing off the engagement. I wasn’t ready, I needed to work on so many different things. 1.5 years later, I’ve been through therapy, resolved past traumas, gained self respect/love, and im medicated for my adhd. Im ready. But she’s married to someone else. Im happy she’s happy and found someone. I do think about the past, but she was the catalyst. I couldn’t have been healed without her leaving. I had to hit rock bottom before I could change my entire being.
*Sorry ladies, sometimes we want to be that man but just don’t know how.* … yet. But find someone who’s ready *when* you’re ready.
Needed to see this. I got broken up with for similar reasons. I wasnt fully committing to the relationship and wasnt the partner she needed because I didnt realize untill after she dumped me that i had a lot of unprocessed trauma and was more stuck in my own problems than i realized, causing me to be a lot more emotionally negligent to her than im willing to admit. Starting therapy soon, hopefully ill heal like you did.
Cheers
@@CrazyDutchguys It gets so much better, let me tell you. I still think about it, but just remember that happiness is a choice, and that she never was the one. The one is someone who continually chooses you- through thick and thin. Things are really really good
You definitely got a point here. I've been on both sides of the story, more than once, in different relationships and in different times and contexts of my life. So yes, there were those relationships when things were good and pleasant, and we had a great time together, the girl wanted something more serious.. but I just COULDN'T give it. I had my issues, had my struggles in my mind, had demons inside me that I still had to overcome.. and I needed experiences and time for that. In summary, I didn't have the psychological/emotional resources to seriously and fully commit, but still what we were sharing and living was true and real. And, recently I've been exactly on the other side: I was in a relationship, and I could clearly see her as my life partner, as the mother of my kids.. but she decided to leave, and said she couldn't give me her 100%. As much as it hurts, I understand and have to respect her and accept this fact. In the end, a relationship works when both people desire the same thing and are in the same wavelenght, with the same possibilities. But still, we learn a lot with every relationship, and most of them are usually steps that push both people into becoming their best versions, till the day that they find the absolute one.
thank you, I've been under a spell because of chemistry for years, nothing to do, I couldn't give up...but in a few words, bam, the spell has been undone...I'm free. Sometimes we need help understanding.
You’re so welcome
Now I understand people settle because of overlooking a person's character and focusing more on the chemistry
“You don’t have to be with the person whom you don’t feel chemistry with even though that person has good qualities. At the same time, a person whom you feel chemistry with BUT lacks good qualities isn’t someone whom you should be with either”
- That message Matthew said really hit me there.
I do feel it is important to never settle for less out of the fear of being alone. It is also important to be with someone not only has good qualities but also whom you feel chemistry with. As Matthew said, that kind of guy is still out there ☺️
She is living in her thoughts, emotions and memories. Even though she knows reality. You can simply see, he is player and he is playing with her emotions and using her for sex and wasting her time. When you separate your emotions from reality, you can see everything so clear. Sometimes easy, comfort, calm and old is not the right way. Sometimes scary, alone, new, risky is the right way to create your own way. You should know what values you need in relationship and you should be happy with yourself. Don’t float with your mental nonsense. Always be practical and be grateful to life itself. Don’t focus too much in relationship only. Celebrate Life my friend. It’s precious
I wish I could put into words how much I and (what seems to be) so many other people are experiencing right now. Just understanding the logic behind this is so helpful and it really makes me feel proud of the progress I’ve made even though there are still rough days. I needed this to learn how to break the attachment to the chemistry and also be honest about what stories I am telling myself versus how I actually felt at times. Thank you for bringing this peace to so many of us who need it 🙏🏻
I love the part “the attachment to the chemistry” that is true, we put a veil on what we don’t want to see, but its there, it happened, it made us feel awful at that time but we only want to remember the hype of the chemistry. It is really an addiction. Mind blowing, eyes opener.
A fifteen year relationship ended quite suddenly and I’ve struggled to let it go - almost five years ago. The feeling of longing, melancholy or nostalgia - hits the nail on the head. No, actually I don’t want to be cheated on and betrayed by anyone. Wow! Thank you, I needed that.
I can feel you Melissa. How did you cope up?
This happened to me with a 10 yr one and the lack of closure is maddening.
now it's happening to me and I'm literally dying the worst thing I've no one to rely on....
23 years together, he lied, cheated and now I know it was going on over a year behind my back. It's been 5 years ago and I still have my times. But I listened to a podcast that said "closure is about your forgiveness". You don't forgive for him; you forgive for your sake to put the hurt and resentment behind and move forward. Closure is hard for me as well. But who cares about telling this hateful person your feelings or ask questions about his infidelity? Be honest with what you know is the truth. I'm 63 and I think I'm gonna get out of this house and meet new friends! I keep putting it off and making excuses and my life is never gonna change if I DON'T CHANGE IT! They don't deserve us! God bless you all.
We also have a word for it in german "Sehnsucht"
"Sucht" means addiction/obsession
And "sich sehnen" means to long for sb/sth or craving it.
And it was the central theme in the era of romantic literature.
I think it describes it pretty well. You crave something so bad, it is like an addiction. You are addicted to this feeling of melancholy
also, there's a word commonly used in the balkans, "sevdah" (which has its origin in turkish and arabic) meaning intense feelings of love and passion, intertwined with longing and pain. i'd even say it's equivalent to suadade. sevdah is also kind of more than a feeling, it's a state in which you reminisce, drink, play music and sing with other people who feel the same thing, often older people longing for their youth.
💞
so interesting thank u for sharing
😮😮💔💔
This is absolutely true. I dated a woman and we had chemistry through the roof !! But her absence of character caused huge problems in our relationship. In fact constant arguments and rows . It’s a real shame because we had a real connection and so much in common but her absence of character caused her to treat me totally disrespect me in many ways.
Move on if you can or at minimum set your boundaries and don't ever accept being 2nd best you have value and are worthy of being respected and adored for who you are and I wish you all the best with what ever decision you make. It's your life so go live it your way, nobody has the right to bloody tell you what you should do? Got it sweetie you are amazing do not ever forget that!!!¡!
Feel the same never take them back
This is one of the deepest relationship talks I’ve ever heard. This is exactly what I was feeling for a while and I also want to bring into the conversation whether the person the is a true optimist or pessimist by nature. You are more willing to hold on to these “good” times and negate the bad when you the glass is always half full.
Thank you 🙏
@@thematthewhussey I'm lost n need help.
This remind me of the lyrics "im not gonna let my past hold me back from my future." This is so true.
I know of a very powerful spell caster, Dr Joel caster on youtube he has helped lot of people get their ex back, you can search for him on CZcams for some work.
I've been involved with someone who I have fallen for, for the last 10 months. We would be great for 2 weeks, she would then pull away for a week, then we wouldn't talk for a week, then we'd get back together.
The chemistry is a drug. The highs would make me feel invincible, the absence made me feel like a train wreck. I couldn't let go.
I tied all my happiness to her.
The longer we went, the more the highs were high, and the lows, low. I referred to it as the dream you don't want to wake up from, and the nightmare you can't wake up from.
It just ended for good the other day. I'm processing how to undo the attachment to this girl. Her character wasn't fitting and she couldn't be there for me, we were there for the chemistry though I wanted more and she never, ever, would commit.
It sucks. It's painful. But these videos are helpful in understanding I'm not alone in these situations
Sound like you dated my ex bud. Exact same treatment that I have experienced
same@@Deenen13
This is actually one of the best videos I’ve watched from Matthew. We can all relate to an experience like this. We have a tendency of over amplifying great chemistry and ignoring all the other red flags.
Love is so blind. 🫣
This was so poignant for me!
I too have clung on to the idea of chemistry and given it so much significance, almost like a comfort blanket when recalling certain memories. I now see that the chemistry I felt was more of a smokescreen...it blinded me to some red flags I should have paid attention to.
I think I’m not getting over her because we ended and agreed on it for personal reasons. So not having a reason to hate her or be broken by her is harder. 3 years later I get a message, “I’m letting go of the past but I’ve not met a guy that understands me like you do.” That message sort of reset all the pain. Since then I’ve blocked all sorts of contact with her, the issue is the places I love are also the places she loves. It’s the type of place you can’t find many of elsewhere unless travelling many hours which means I can’t drop that activity I love. It’s now been 5 years or so.
Andrew., I know exactly how you feel. I’m here because the guy in my life that lived with me for one out of the two years together ended. He knew I wanted a life partner. Two years In he bails. His rent with me was free. Food also. He worked but I made more. He moved out when I had an overnight work trip. We also had a great relationship . Easy and great chemistry. After he left he got very mean and hurtful to the point where I felt he was not the same person, then blocked me in all ways. Still hurting and missing him.😢 even more difficult is he had good character and values., until he ended it.
@@leannadole4747 I am so sorry to hear that, something similar has happened to me... I regret knowing him and I wish I never got to know him. It hurts but we should stand up, after all it is a lesson for us.
Im 5 months into a heart break where she fell for someone I'd been accusing her of flirting with and would always gaslight me, and I've been beating myself up over how I'm still hurting. I think I would be good if I didnt have to walk past her place any time I wanna go somewhere. With all due respect I really don't wanna be where you are (feeling something for someone 5 years later). Man I hope I'll be over it all asap
I love how you so eloquently put into words what we know deep down.
I’ve been struggling for months, wondering why I was still feeling such longing for someone who I knew objectively wasn’t right for me. To know that it’s okay to feel that melancholy and to only attribute it’s importance to that moment in time so that we can move on is such a blessing to realise.
I can’t thank you enough❤️
Just because someone or something produces an intense feeling in you doesn’t mean it’s something meant to be in your life forever. Character over chemistry….. trust me guys, you definitely don’t want a partner with only chemistry and no character. That person is NOT a safe person to share your feelings with….. I just got out of a situationship of this nature.
I really appreciate this video because I needed to hear this. My breakup was 6 months ago, my emotions are a wave & im surprised I’m still sad after feeling better like I was over him finally. But I’m not & still sad he was so bad to me when he could be so loving.
Ah I feel you so much 😢 it’s been years for me and I’m going to therapy but therapy only works if you put all your energy to come out of that hole 😢
Remember Audrey, just because some times it still hurts that doesn’t mean you haven’t made tremendous progress. You have. And you will keep making progress. Stay strong. It gets better.
Don't ever judge yourself on how you ever feel at any point in time. Feel it. Let it flow. I knew someone for 14 years, we were technically together for 12ish. I've been through heartbreak before, but this is the worst I've felt. I definitely owned up to everything I did or didn't do, apologized profusely. I had to move away. I exercised religiously, I journaled. I prayed. I did everything I could to deal with the immense pain. Considering I already deal with depression/anxiety/deep thoughts/fears all of my life, mostly having to do with mortality and the concept of time--facing it head on is/was scary. I surprisingly got a job back in the same city we lived in. I didn't move back there for her, it was for cost of living, being able to live on my own with a regular job to start out with, no state taxes, etc. But I have to admit, being back here, in my empty apartment, its all rushing back to me--big time. I'm letting it release when I feel the need to. I just feel alone. My depression and anxiety is flowing back. I'm thinking about her. Missing her. It's only been 4 months. So I have to give myself time. I have to do my best to use positive affirmations. One moment at a time. One day at a time. I'm just a very emotional human being and it flows deeply and strongly, it gets legitimately scary. Thank you for allowing myself to get this out. All the best.
@@thematthewhussey omg thank u Matthew hussey ur my CZcams hero 🥹🥹
@@michaelsilverfoote6272 right there with you. Its like you were telling my story. Its only been a month for me and its just unbearable. We can do this right?
Holy smokes did I ever need to hear this. A few months ago I met a guy at work and we clicked. That was my last week at that site so He added ME on Facebook and we had so much fun bantering back and forth. As a gay guy I thought he was for me but after two weeks I figured out he wasn’t gay; that’s totally cool. What hurt me the most was when he ghosted me. He was a big guy, Veteran Paratrooper, and someone who’d I love to learn from and quite frankly if I knew someone like that going up, id probably be a different man. We clicked so much as we were the same age and had similar interests. In any case, after a month he ghosted me and it really hurt. I very recently found online when I googled his name that he’s a misogynistic dick towards women and treats them as sex objects. He’s slowly going down on my likeability scale and slowly I’m trying to get over the loss of the friendship and it especially hits home because I’m lonely, I feel like I can’t relate to other gay guys out there and at this point all of my friends are married so having buddies to hang out with is becoming less and less of a thing. Oh well, lots of praying and believing that there’s a better guy out there for me. Anyone going through this, I understand your pain and sincerely wish you strength and courage.
Never let anyone take away your selfworth. If a person drains you mentally and emotionally ...they are taking energy from you and give nothing in return, better to just walk away before it destroys you.
Chemistry and Charisma are a bit of a sugar high. We often recall the initial taste and joy, but because it didn’t grow into a mutual investment (bricklaying), we are left with empty calories that don’t build great relationships.
Damn. This is one of your BEST analysis ever. I was in a very similar situation, this came in great timing and I will listen again and take notes. Thank you ❤️🙏🏽
Thank you 🙏
"Saudade" is the name of the feeling when It hurts when you think of how much you miss someone or something.♥️
“The absence of Character will produce hell in a (long-term) relationship even if it’s the greatest Chemistry of your life.”
So true, pick a Life partner based on morals, maturity, growth and not the cute face, height or beautiful smile.
That is unless you are going for a Love partner over a Life partner.
Truth.
Valuing chemistry over character. Such a great point!! We romanticize things that are "easy come easy go" (narcissists, for eg, are great at generating chemistry & love-bombing) not the harder to maintain and sustain actions that show we care.
I'm watching this now. I'm portuguese. Saudade is the feeling of melancholic longing, that is so entrenched in you it becomes almost permanence. It's the mix of longing, loss melancholy, nostalgia, all of those. That's saudade. Usually it is also felt for something that we cannot get back
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. I am trying so hard to get over him and keep thinking of that chemistry and fire but I keep remembering he did me so wrong. I hate that it takes me so long to get over someone.
Wise, wise words! Character, values are so important. We also focus too much on potential.
I have always set up this dichotomy of personality vs character. Personality in this case will be defined as how you want others to perceive you. Character is the combination of choices made that dictates the direction a person is going. Something to keep in mind is that personality is short term because it relies on the emotions of the beholders to appraise if the person is enjoyable or not in the moments that it is displayed. Character is long term because it takes a sequence of choices over time and it shows what kind of individual a person is trying to be. The character portion is a measurement of quality and longevity and does not require the eyes of observers to be enacted. I've noticed that people prefer the personality of their chosen person rather than the character, and understandably so because personality is intrinsically linked to the chemistry you described. Food for thought and thank you for this talk.
This is brilliant!
This is amazing
Some people are just so easy to get along with anyone, we may feel something special but to them is normal. it's called a real player
Huong T. Nguyen. Ur words are so soothing.
That's helped, thanks
Its been 2 weeks since he broke up with me and I know that I already accepted his decision because of his priorities yet I'm still having a hard time with all the memories and promises we created together which is the reason why I cannot get over that person. I'm still in the process of healing and watching your videos helps me realize a lot of things in myself and in the people around me. 🥺 Thank you for the advice, Matthew. To anyone who is also broken hearted, remember that we got this and better things are gonna come in our way soon. ❤
The "putting it on other levels with other events of nostalgia", might have saved me. Never thought of it this way.
"Anytime you meet a person who has what he lacked, remind yourself that he lacked really important things. The person I'm supposed to be with is gonna have those things."
When someone leaves you, consider it a gift.
Saudade it's a portuguese word without translation.. the most similar it's "miss you" but it's a nostalgic feeling about something or someone that may or may not comeback.. even a situation can be part of this feeling. Saudade it's missing everything that (for example) a person is to you, the way she makes you feel, the time spent together, everything.. Saudade may not have translation but I do think everyone can feel it.
This just changed my life, you don’t even know. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
That part about the importance of character is so, so, so true. I absolutely love it!!!! ❤️
One thing I’d love to hear you talk about is the humiliation you feel at falling so utterly in love with someone who told you they love you, that they’ll always love you, that they could see themselves marrying you, only to hear suddenly that they need to break up because they’re “not ready for a relationship right now.”
How could I have been so oblivious? She didn’t love me like I thought she did. She loved me, sure. But she wasn’t as convinced, as convicted In her love for me. How embarrassing. The Love of My Life, who fawned over me just a month prior. Not really the love of my life but just someone pulling a fast one on me, on themselves.
The amount of insight and studies and thoughts and efforts you put in every of your video heal so many people's wounds in their hearts. Those wounds are sometimes too deep and big that it can't be cured overnight. We definitely need some time until it be fully recovered but your videos are like ointments. They help the wounds to be able to stay longer enough to wait until it be fully healed. Your advices and your energy are great help. Thank you so much.
The reason I put your videos as an ointment is because, the ointment helps the wounds to be healed, but it only works when we give enough time that our natural ability of propagating hits on. So at the end of the day, it should be our duty to make the wounds to be completely healed, but the ointment does help a lot to make the process easier. Thank you, and we love you so much. Have a lovely day!
💞
Saudade is such a beautiful word! It means longing/ to miss (someone) but it also is a word that means health/life force. So when you say you miss someone in Portuguese you’re saying they’re a part of your life force and that’s why you long for them. Deep! Good stuff Matthew 👏
Sorry to say this, but as a brazilian, I have to say that saudade doesn't ever mean health/life force. It actually only means a deep feeling of longing/nostalgia for something or someone, and that's it. The word for health is actually "saúde", which does sound a bit similar, but it's a totally unrelated word.
My Ex showed all the character qualities I was looking for. In words. Thats why I decided to go for it. And him. All matched up. All I wanted. All I needed. Chemestry came the moment I decided to give it a try.
Later on actions didn't match up his words. He finally didn't only break my heart, he broke me. Now he is with the next. Most probably telling the same lies and painting a future according to her values that he is unable to ever meet.
But still I'm heartbroken. By all unkept promises. All his lies. While he moved on. With no scars at all. And I'm down to a piece of crap. Life is not fair. Choosing (spoken) character over chemistry didn't help me at all.
Thank you so much. I felt lighter after this. Lifted me from a dark place with common sense that wasn’t so common for my heart.
I'm Portuguese😊 Saudade means missing somebody and normally it's about memories of the past, it's even melancholic.
But it's always better to move on !! That's why I'm watching this video🤗
That's for helping ppl with your advices and channel!!
I notice the woman asking the question didn’t say whether she’d slept with the man every time they ‘re-connected’ - I’m guessing so. So what to do? If he isn’t meeting YOUR needs in ANY way, WALK AWAY NOW. Life is very short - too short to waste it on some bloke who doesn’t know what (or who) the hell he wants. I’ve sussed it now, after many years of being love-bombed, breadcrumbed etc and now play men at their own games and do you know what I’ve found? That “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” REALLY works!!!
Hahaha saudade is pronounced sao-dahd! I really do love the Portuguese language incorporation 💕💕💕 it means you miss something so much it hurts
You guys are sugar coating it so much. The simple truth is he doesn’t like you like that. I know because I personally did this last summer in a situation-ship I was in. He sticks around because you give him sex, someone to talk to daily and open up to and someone to hang out with whenever. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, yet. To keep your hopes up for nothing but to keep you. Just accept he doesn’t like you enough to date just enough to keep you around for a companionship
I had the same feeling before. I think it could be explained as "he gave me the feelings and chemistry that i dreamed of, so i wish he could keep giving me those or maintaining it that way. So I waited and sacrificed and compromised, just for a glance of those moments."😔
Thank you so much for this video! You really helped me to clarify the difference between good character and good chemistry… This is a great reminder and very helpful to get over that man who has great chemistry with me, but not a good character… Those seem to be the most difficult to get over… Thank you again
So true. Just broke it off with a guy because the chemistry was good but his character was horrible. ❤ he lived by I can do what I want with no regards for anyone’s feelings.
I really like what you said there, "we tend to overvalue chemistry and undervalue character"
I just love this guy. He really opens your brain and makes you acknowledge every single thing that you are not sure about
This is a great video! The title doesn’t match what the content is. The continent goes way deeper than just trying to get your ex back it’s teaching people the difference between character in chemistry and how both are not always synonymous as much as we would like them to be. Thank you Matthew😘
Holy crap Matthew and Steve and guest. This is am answered prayer .... Literally my question from another human being. So many wisdom bombs here and paradigm shifts. Great listen thanks so much y'all 💗
This man always makes so much sense!! I love how he breaks things down and explains them in ways we understand and can grasp a better perspective on. Keep doing what you do Matthew! Thank you for helping us heal and realise our true value ❤
Thank you very much. I think I’m at a critical point of getting over him and it’s very hard, but this video really comforts and encourages me in a very very gentle and generous way. Wish you all the best, sincerely.
Trying to disconnect from the past when you didn’t see the breakup coming - out of the blue after 30 years. So many amazing memories make it hard to forget the way you’re being treated now. Thank you for reminding me that the current actions are what counts now. It wasn’t perfect but it meant the world while it was happening.
I feel you. My marriage came to am abrupt end. I didn't see it coming. And to see her full of excitement for the future with me gone was excruciating. It's been two years and I'm still struggling.
@@kollow Thank you. It’s only been a couple of months for me. I know it will take time but these videos help to put things in perspective.
@@nathalieladouceur4407 I'm sorry, it's an indescribable pain. Everywhere you go, something will remind you of them and what you had. You do start to get good days though. I think it will take years to get back to feeling normal. I hated hearing that but it's true, just be patient as hard as it will be. I did see my ex-wife when I picked up my kids the other day. I didn't spiral out in grief and sadness like I had before so that is some progess for me. We may never know why relationships end the way they do. Hang in there, I'm praying you will have some peace soon.
@@bridgettjm I still haven’t completely but, in my case, I highly suspect there was someone else. That killed it for me. The betrayal was a deal breaker.
My story in my brain-
It’s like for so long you thought you knew the person in and out.. until you don’t🤣 They show you a completely different face.. their true colours. So this time instead of saying “this can’t be, that’s not the real him or I know I can’t be this wrong at reading someone”.. I said “I believe that this is the true you”. This time I’m able to accept that I made a mistake in identifying the real you. I thought I knew you and who you truly were as a person but I accept that I was so wrong. You’re far from the person I thought you were and that’s alright because I made a mistake in recognising the real you. So thank you for showing me your true colours before it was too late🙏🏻 I wake up and thank god everyday that he saved me🙏🏻🙏🏻 I am grateful to have met you and eternally thankful to have let you go. Losing you was the one of greatest gifts God blessed me with.. because along with losing you I lost all my worries, anxiety, tension, sorrows and stress and regained my peace, light and happiness🧿🕊️
Mathew this was life-changing, to say the least! Rn, I am in the exact same spot, and I really needed this. I can't thank you enough for this. You pulled me from something that was weighing down my soul and existence ❤
Wow, yet another enlightening, intelligent & hugely insightful tutorial. Sometimes there are things that exist right under your nose but because we are so distracted by "chemistry" (to use this eg. but it can be anything ) we are blinded by what's ACTUALLY there. I remember telling him repeatedly that Character, Honesty, Integrity, Fidelity are values hugely important to me & yet, because we were so compatible in all the following areas: political, literature, music, comedy (& I could go on but you get the idea) I felt we were "perfect" for each other. I forgave the lies, even tried to believe the lies he was telling as he was telling me "the truth this time", forgave the very minor infidelities (as if ANY infidelity can be minor), thought that by pointing out the times he was lacking in conscience that he could and would understand & take the time to learn & grow. It took this video for me to see that he was not my Atticus Finch after all, & I needed someone to whom I could look up to, admire, and most of all respect. I began watching this video feeling quite broken but now, still in pain, but there's an understanding that was lacking before. Thank you so much.
One of the best videos of yours i have seen …overvaluing chemistry undervaluing character. I could relate to it immediately …Perfectly put !amazing Matthew and team for helping people deal with such compelling issues which no one addresses yet most genuine ppl struggle with ! Thanks again !😊
The question about why we prioritize chemistry over behaviors, asked by the other person around 9:45, is truly worth contemplating. I believe it's mainly influenced by the media, movies, and Hollywood culture.
To have "saudades" is the exact same thing as to miss someone or something. It's just a noun to express what you guys express with a verb. The feeling is the same. Brazilian guy here, btw.
So helpful. Thank you! It helps me to remember that a memory can never be again. It isn’t the same as what’s happening now.
Matthew, I just want to thank you. I experienced a situation similar to the woman that sent this email. I was heavily fixated and attached to a man that I dated and had a strong connection with, but he refused to commit to me in a monogamous relationship. I decided to part ways with him. It was TOUGH to honor that decision, but by rewatching your videos over and over again and coping through ongoing therapy and even going to church, I’ve been able to move past this. He even reached out to me recently (after 3 months of being radio silent) and I blocked his number. I couldn’t have reached that level of self-discipline without you!
This was one of my favorite podcasts of yours. They truly help. Yes we do only try to remember the good things about that connection but to forget all the moments it made us miserable. Wanting what we can't have. Probably because we undervalue ourselves. Words are easy but actions show true character. And its on their actions that a persons intentions should be judged. I too made the same mistake for 4 years. Same man, different face. Finally accepting that we cannot change someone else. We can only change ourselves.
Absolutely loved it.. I just can't agree more.. As also experiencing these thoughts. It is what we need to hear ..
Great advice as usual, Matthew! Be extremely cautious with your heart. Guard and protect it no matter what because nobody else will. Nobody!
It’s so annoying when you like someone and assume they’re single because they said they weren’t ready for a relationship with you or anyone because secretly he already had a girlfriend and he should of been honest with that other girl that although they might have had a good friendship, but all he had to say was that he already has a girlfriend named whoever they were “dating” with, I don’t like it when guys aren’t fully honest with you from the start that it confuses you believing you might have a chance with them when you don’t and it totally messes with your head
One of the most enlightening videos (of Matthew) so far. It is all laid out so clearly and logically but in practice it is quite hard to abide by the healthy principles. It is amazing what power we give to emotions and how we do not even see someone's behaviour! Absolutely astounding! It is definitely not good to "be on (love) drugs"! Thank you for the wisdom!
I'm in a weird spot, i was the one who broke up with them because I was feeling distant and no connection and had panic attacks over being with them after 6 years. It was sudden and horrid so I broke it off and have been ever aimless and missing them 2 months later. It's been weird to feel like the villain and work through emotions I've never felt to try and focus on myself. Maybe one day we can talk again but the thought if them makes me anxious and miss them.
It's a journey for sure, not one I have any idea how to work through. I commented this in case there are others like me, lost and confused and feeling the villain. You're not, you're hurt and sick and need to focus on your own healing. It's gonna hurt, 2 months made a difference for me, another 4 will make more.
And for those with advice I would love you insight as well. Breakups where neither member was toxic are the worst, just this dividing wedge of regret and emptiness.
This is my most favourite video in the whole world. You have no idea how much this helps. Thank you so much and God bless you always. THANK YOU.
"In a relationship, chemistry is necessary for a romantic relationship, but character is going be to be the foundation of a long-term relationship". I guess this is what I needed to hear to let him go. Millions of thanks, Matt, for your cutting through the noise.
Great tips! If you have just broken up with someone, it’s ok to take your time - before you jump into another relationship.
You’re doing yourself a disservice by getting involved with someone new before you’re really ready to commit to another person.
It’s ok to be single, you have to learn to accept the fact that there’s nothing wrong with being single - once you have adopted that mindset, things will really start to turn around for you! Cheers!
Anyway, that’s my two cents.
-Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
Wow... thank you Matt... that's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Probably the best presentation on this topic I've ever heard . Only wish I'd heard it 7 years ago. Would've saved myself alot of trouble, pain, and confusion. That chemistry is like a drug... much stronger and addictive than any heroine!!!
The way you describe that melancholy is how I feel about my daughter. She is an adult now, and alive and well, but I feel a loss for the goofy 4 year old her that I will never know again. I miss the teenager who hated my opinion, but also asked me to help her pick a prom dress. I don't want her to go back in time and be a 4 year old, and you couldn't pay me to go back to the teen years. I miss her from every year of her life, if that makes any sense. It's this wonderful nostalgia for a time that was meant to be, but has now passed. Anyway...it was the first thing I thought when you described that feeling. I'm a year out of an abandonment from a 13 year relationship. Your content has been very helpful! Thank you!
this guy is awesome and handles everything with the same amount of sensitivity and empathy
My heartbroke when hearing this.... He is everything you could have ask for but not for you....
Thank you all so much for this episode. It helps me so much and comes at exactly the right time 😇🙏🏼💝
Thank you!! This helped me so much. This is exactly where I am in trying to get over someone but wasn't really sure how. 1) I always look at the positive instead of the negative characteristics 2)character is important