Is This Why Your Husband Won't Help? | Rachel Jankovic
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- čas přidán 3. 05. 2021
- In this week's Pep Talk for Moms, Rachel Jankovic talks about a complaint she's often heard from wives about how their husbands don't understand how hard motherhood is. What should a wife do when it feels like her husband won't help?
Check out Rachel's book on parenting, "Loving the Little Years" today!
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This video is brought to you by Canon Press.
Check out Rachel's book on parenting, "Loving the Little Years" today!
canonpress.com/products/loving-the-little-years/
“My husband is not coming alongside me and meeting my needs.“
I would say this is a common complaint among women and a small part of my brain considered checking out when I heard that, but common sense prevailed. This is a line that is fundamentally inverse of the created order, which is why men don’t play that game very well. We aren’t supposed to!
Nice job on the unpack, well done!
Also, 10/10 for the coffee mug not getting knocked over.
Read this comment in the beginning of the video and couldn't understand what it's about, but then I saw how dangerously she was moving her hand around the mug and now i understand.
lol That must have been an excruciating watch. I didn't even notice.
I made it halfway through the video before evening seeing the mug. 🤣
This gave me anxiety the entire video
@@chelseamiller1494 same here
"Do not patronize me about how I care for our children." Oh man. I need to memorize that.
Yes!
This video is a testament to absolute gesticular control.
Thank you for voicing one of the most needed and unspoken things for Christian relationships.
The 2 most impossible, yet essential pieces of advice for married coupled:
"Wives, respect your husbands."
"Husbands, love your wives, live with them with understanding."
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” what it actually says.
@@ryfidelity7854 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
@@ryfidelity7854 the second sentence he's quoting 1 Peter I believe. Not Ephesians.
@@ryfidelity7854 1Pe_3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
So and now show my a wife and not a married feminist !
I am a new wife. 2 years. And we don’t have little ones yet, but I already fall into this with house work and other things. Thank you for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thank you for speaking on these Biblical principles in a world that outright rejects them. Thank you!
Sometimes men are just lazy and selfish. Make sure he deserves your Biblical approach.
@@winkydstanaccount5003 The other partner's behaviour should not dictate your own. You do your part and you will often find that it motivates your partner to do theirs. In a Christian marriage, you're in it for the long haul (real life-long commitment, becoming "one"), so don't treat your partner as your enemy, even if you "feel" they deserve it. Arguments and confrontation will happen, but often can be turned into fruitful discussion by a simple principal: Make an effort to be able to summarise their position accurately, to their satisfaction. That way you can understand what they truly mean. When you do this, you'll find that effort being rewarded as they realise you really are listening and can then work together to find an effective solution to whatever has caused the confrontation. It's hard, but worth it. This was an excellent video that I feel a lot of people can benefit from watching, especially considering the current socio-political atmosphere!
If Allyson's husband is as thoughtful about relating as you are she'll be fine. If he's just lazy, maybe not. :) I believe in divorce over unhappy marriages, most especially when there will be children involved.
@@winkydstanaccount5003 Yeah - you're in for a "good" life. Lol!
Well I know this was addressed to wives and mothers but I as a husband (not yet a father) can learn a lot from this too. Thank you.
Yeah this seems like good relationship advice in general. I can be too picky with people I love.
We have multiple generations of angry, bitter women...who have brought their misery upon themselves through their drama and disrespect of their husbands. You are a voice of sanity (which sadly means many won’t want to listen who should).
Unforgivness brings bitterness. Jesus is the best teacher, Father God and the love this world neesa
Very well said. I feel like you just explained me. I have so much to work on. I complain soooooo much a out my housework, mother and wife duties 😔
@@baus7 It takes two to tango. Your husband is just as broken as you, but in different ways. If one party acts perfect and wears a (metaphorical) mask all the time as if everything is fine, and treats the other like garbage, you’ll have issues. If both acknowledge their brokenness, you have a fighting chance.
YESS
THANK YOU for your comment ! Finally a woman tells the truth about how women mess up their marriages.
Well, dear Rachel, always remember that you are privileged with a husband like yours.
"No one helps me."
"That's NOT the way to do it."
"Here, let me show you how to do it."
"I guess I might as well do it myself."
"No one ever helps me."
rinse, repeat.
Lmao so true.
Been there done that 😅
😂😂😂
Perfect!
this is a thing I see all the time.
That was quite a delightful video, and very refreshing to hear. My wife is nigerian, and they have trained themselves that a woman respecting a man will help that man love his woman more.
Thank you so much for the reminder and encouragement!
Excellent advice! Listen to this ladies.
i just seen at a state fair where a mom stopped a kiddy swing ride because the kid looked scared. she ran up to the seat with him and his dad the dad was like why did you stop the ride?! and he drew the line that they are gonna finish the ride. she walked away looking embarrassed but I was very happy that he did that. the kid looked like he enjoyed his company on the rest of the ride.
😢
@Zero z that's why is very important to have the father in the picture. They are both needed for balance
Ex wife completely demolished and tore down almost everything I tried to do with our children if it was not her original idea. Then complained about doing all the work while chasing me off with harsh criticism whenever I tried to help of my own initiative, majority of the time. Never good enough unless it was under her immediate imperatives and precise instructions. This women needs to be heard🙏💪
@@caseysimmons9578 I tell you the truth you'll always be good enough in Jesus's eyes
Great video, agree 💯. Thanks for the reminder to stay the course.
I am more than happy to thank for things I see and bite my tongue every time I would see different approach to parenting than me own, mine is not any better than theirs … it is just different… what I do not understand is where there is room for reciprocity of respect and appreciation as I do not get any … not in words, acts of service, special time … i basically do it all and encourage, appreciate and show interest and small services as best as I can and get silence, rolling eyes when ever my brain fails something normal to him, no response to messages, communication about changes is band, but he tells me he loves me and desires my body …
I am not a regular follower but seems like every time I do watch... I hear wisdom
I hear you sister. If you can’t say amen at least say ouch.
Oh, that's good. One of the best.
Ouch! Thank you so much. So convicting and much needed.
Every lecture/sermon/video I’ve watched on topics similar to this I have been encouraged to man up and to not fail to love my wife or to allow my various sins to cloud my ability to do what it right. I opened this video because I thought it would be nice to have a similar perspective given from Canon Press. I will say this is the first time I’ve heard a woman speak to women in the same way that men men have spoken to men on the topic. That is, I was expecting to hear about how things fail because of the husband’s sin and his need to be better, but you challenged the women to show grace, submission, and honor. I am amazed and very thankful. Women training women in the way… Well done!
I have been really looking for things like this, as I really struggle with not respecting my husband like I should be. I really need sound biblical, practical teaching in this area. This is fantastic.
Except that it is _true_ that things fail because of the husband's sin. The family rises and falls on the man. That's just a fact. It's the lack of masculinity that is the main problem today.
@@forallofme4441 Or it could be said that one of the main problems today is recognizing others' sins before acknowledging our own.
@@markrauch9938 Your reply doesn't seem to have any connection with my comment.
@@forallofme4441 My comment is on par with the intended principle expressed in the video. ("We shouldn't point fingers of blame in any outward direction without first addressing our own sins and shortcomings.")
Excellent piece of insight.
Ugh- this was so convicting! Thank you.
great word. and great job with the coffee mug.
So right-on. Thank you❣️
Thank you Rachel! Always blessed by your family's wisdom!
My wife and I are a week away from having our first child, a daughter, and we are so excited. I feel blessed to know my wife already has this sort of tendency and I’m excited to share this with her and discuss it. Thank you for sharing!
How did it go? We're also a week away from having our first child, also a girl! Any further tips? 😁 (I'm the mother)
“Some responsibility” is right… not “full” 🙏🏼 Great points re respect, Rachel!
Wow. You nailed it. I learned something for myself here too. I should let my wife know more the little things that I love about her.
Ouch! Wow, i needed this …. So needed to hear this.
Love this. Thanks.
So true, thank you for verbalizing it
My own parent’s marital problems are in clear view after watching this. Taking notes if I ever decide to get married.
This was SUCH a good reminder for me, even after 19 years of marriage. Thank you! I got to meet your dad at the FLF Rally and it was very special for me, but in my shock of shaking hands with a favorite author/blogger, I forgot to tell him to tell you how much your content has meant to me as we're in the same stage of life. Much thanks for sharing your wisdom here.
Such a breath of fresh air ❤️
Great advice!
I draw the line at not using coasters for coffee cups.
What a gem your husband is. 💜
Thank you🥺
Oh wow, that was eye-opening and convicting! Thank you!
Thank you for that.
"well, no, obviously that's worth talking about"
looooool
I was really struggling this past Sunday as we visited a church for the second time and I spent the entire service walking a tired 7-month-old who just would not sleep and just kept throwing everything on the floor while my shoe rubbed a giant blister on my heel and I started to think it seems like my spiritual growth isn't as important as his because I'm out here missing the entire service dealing with our cranky baby while he's in there completely focused on the sermon. But I do need reminders that he is the spiritual head of the household and what he gleans from that sermon he will tell me and teach me so it's not as important for me to be in there cuz he can help me with what I missed. I did find it a bit funny though when he asked me what I thought of the teaching and I just had to look at him and finally said, I don't know, I wasn't in there at all.🤦🏻♀️
It’s actually just as important for you to be there. Remember Jesus told Martha that her sister had chosen the good part when she sat to hear him teach. He’s your spiritual head but will God hold him or you accountable for your soul and dexterity in the word? Practical suggestion as a mother of a one year old and two year old: have your husband spend part of the time with the baby and you inside. It keeps both of you watered and you’ll need each other to fill the other in. Your husband asked what you thought of the sermon. He didn’t realize that you were missing and importantly, missing out. Doesn’t sound like he was prepared to make sure that you were taught after spending all your time outside with the baby. My two cents. Please don’t be offended. I’m currently on the front lines myself.
@@mathmaniac4777 If the Lord wanted her in the sanctuary, He would not have given her a fussy baby. His ways are not our ways, Ladies. Let us respect our husbands!
God can use your fussy baby to grow you spiritually too. Rachel has another video I watched recently titled "I'm not as godly as I used to be" (or something like that). I found that so very helpful!!
@@BenjesBride I see your point, but there is nothing wrong with OP asking to Sometimes switch off for the future in a kind way
@@kristinccha I was not raised by a Christian father, so I don’t take for granted my husband who wants to sit in a pew. Missing a sermon is no big deal to me- I just listen to the teaching the next day. My 7 month olds were nursing and wouldn’t have been consoled by dad anyway.
I will try this… thank you
So many households need this wisdom. Soooooo many
Yes. So well said. 😊❤️
Haha great video! I wasn't sure when I started it quite where it was going but I agree with where it ended up :) Men and women are complementary so that means if we are both doing our jobs well there should be tons of opportunities for compliments
Bless you sister!
Good stuff, as always. Thanks, Rachel!
I am so thankful that my husband has always taken household duties and child rearing as his responsibility as well. Of course more of it falls to me because I am the stay home mom, but he comes home and sees it as his house and kids too especially since I've had some difficult health challenges. I don't know how I got so blessed. I am always saying thank you for everything he does and I ask for help when I am in over my head. I understand if he makes dinner it might be a little less nutritious than what I made 😆 and I try to let him rest too. Good advice here from Rachel.
Hello Nikki,
Brilliant !
Wow. Nailing it 💯
💯Amen!! Hallelujah!! Praise the Lord!!
The book _Love & Respect_ really opened my eyes to the dynamics between a husband & wife, especially as a man who couldn't really _identify_ what it is I need in a relationship, nor was I able to express it clearly enough to someone else.... Much preaching & teaching over the last several decades has focused on _the need for men to love their wives_ , and rightly so, but very little time & energy has been spent preaching & teaching the other side of the coin, _the need for women to respect their husbands_ (EPH 5).....
(I think I heard that from somewhere😁)
Love this
As a Dad and Grandpa, well said!
Excellent exhortation
Such truth!!!
This is an immense confidence booster for couples on the fence about children. Men or women, you're both parents and you both need to raise the kids, but also need a break while the other takes responsibility. Sidenote; the pain of childbirth is taken into too great of an account by modern feminism. Men need to strive to support their families for a *much* longer interval than their wives are in labor.
As a dad of a newbie totally concur and insisted the boss watch
What about when your husband genuinely refuses to work, or help with anything in general, and constantly lets you down with false promises??
I’m trying my best to move righteously and I bite my tongue soooo much while choosing wisely times to express my needs and expose the patterns/how they hurt me …
It's so frustrating. But the burden seems to always come back to our lack of respect for them or not giving them enough praise! Hard to respect someone when they are not respectable. Hard to follow someone who isn't leading. Hard to praise someone who is sabotaging their marriage!
Your husband is truly a blessed man and you’re a treasure to behold !
The people who need this most will never, ever, give heed.
It might almost be a waste of time to mention it.
Wow she’s really good
There is much practical wisdom in what this lady just said. Kuddos to her husband. Proverbs 31:23.
This is a great reminder to be respectful to the husbands. I think there might be ladies out there who were hoping for advice, but this isn’t their particular sin issue. After all, a critical wife is only one reason a man may not help. There are many other reasons that may have nothing to do with the wife. They might think, “But I’m not doing those things. Now what? I’m still overwhelmed.” So, to the ladies who are not correcting or nagging their husbands, who understand they can’t and shouldn’t try to change their husbands: Communicate in a straightforward, truthful and gentle manner, and if he simply doesn’t want to help that’s ok! It’s not our jobs to change our husbands, but we can take responsibility for our own schedule. Simplify! Maybe you don’t have enough energy to do it all cheerfully. Let stuff go. It’s better to have a feast of herbs with love than a fatted calf with strife.
Respect is the key!!
Everything that she said... amazing🔥🔥
I say thank you and don't criticize. I still get flack for asking for help and get told how my partner is "tired " Respect is a two way street. This is why I don't believe in submission.
What is a woman to do when her husband wants nothing to do with his babies at all until they are grown enough to "be of some use", no real relationship with his wife - just a legal sex partner, neglects his Biblical and civil duties to his family, and abuses his authority.
Let's be careful assuming that every dad loves his children and wife because there are more abused, neglected wives in the Church than we want to realise and the only one in that situation who carries the burden of guilt and shame in that particular situation is the beaten down wife, not the proud, lazy, narcissistic husband.
@Rubes Ruiz When he is addicted to pornography, is repeatedly unfaithful, rapes his wife, threatens her with a gun, commits false imprisonment, is physically violent toward their children, refuses to allow them to get needed medical care, and hurts their pets? I think that we need to be careful to take all of Scripture into consideration to understand the heart and mind of God, not just a few verses out of context.
This is why getting to know someone is so very critical.
@@douglasmcnay644 Unfortunately, covert narcissists know how to put on. I knew him for 3 years before we got married and my whole family had known him and his family since he was a little boy. Everyone thought he was the real deal.
I'm not a husband or a father but this seems like solid advice
Preach!
One of the most common reasons men are hesitant about relationships is because women always try to become your mother. We don’t want another mother, we want a wife.
Some of these women behave less like mothers and more like "Karens."
Many women desire a husband, but few desire to be a wife.
The issue with that sentiment is that women see cleaning and cooking as a mother's job , not a wife's. So women tend to feel like the mother when doing all the cooking and cleaning and men get their laundry folded for them and dishes put away etc. So then they hold resentments and nick pick everything just like a mother. It's very hard In this feminist culture to convince women that cooking, cleaning and domestic housework is actually of very great value .. we are all backwards💔.
@@angieruthw Nit picking everything is the WRONG way to be a mother.
@@angieruthw It’s funny, I didn’t even mention anything about cooking and cleaning in my comment, but that’s what you immediately thought of. That’s propaganda instilled into you by our culture. Men don’t want their wives to be domestic slaves. We don’t mind sharing in the house work. We just don’t like getting bossed around. Men want two basic things from their wives; 1) to be respected by them, and 2) to be desired by them. There’s nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who desires him. In many marriages as soon as the wedding ring goes on the woman changes. She starts bossing her husband around like his overbearing mother AND also wants nothing to do with him physically anymore. Many times I will hear groups of women complaining about their husbands, and then start talking about the “attractive man” that they know from work, etc. Well guess what ladies, if you stop respecting and desiring your man he is going to start resenting you. It could often lead to divorce or him looking outside of the marriage for someone that does desire and respect him.
"what kind of job is taking the garbage out?"..."would you mind doing it so I can state on the dishes then?"..."No! The garbage is gross. I don't want to take it out; you take it out!" LOL....Rachel, thank you for faithfully teaching other women as Titus 2 calls for.
The recovering klutz in me was staring at that coffee cup the whole time.😕😕😅 Was it glued down?!?😉
Women want to be treasured and men want to be respected.
I got five kids and I try to be a Christlike husband! I am European and my wife is from Africa. I just feel that some traditional cultures have just much more respect toward men.
When I saw the title I immediately responded "You are not doing that right." ... It is nice to know that a woman somewhere knows that constant criticism of any help provided is a motivation killer.
SOOOOOOOOO
MUCHHHHHHHH
WISDOM........
I would say setting boundaries is very normal for both husband and wife, and the active part of mutual submission that is healthy in Christian households. You were worried about your children, which is absolutely sign of deep accountability. While your husband could have been nicer, he set a return boundary to say he can handle it. That's okay - I wouldn't make that into an act of wife's disrespect but normal communication to ensure care and proper running of the house. Husbands and wives negotiate and cooperate.
This may be hard to imagine, but there are legions of modern Western woman who cannot cook, clean or maintain a decent home. Have you ever wondered why there are many websites (including Christian websites) advertising potential brides from the Philippines, Russia and Eastern Europe? These websites blatantly emphasize that foreign women are traditional homemakers as well as being very respectful of the husband. The inability of women to care for a home, children and a husband is a huge problem in American society. You will also notice that "home economics" classes are no longer offered in high schools.
Single father of 4 here... I went out of my way to allow my ex wife to work as much as possible, and spend a lot of time with my children.
The women complaining about household duties have nothing to complain about. It's a breeze compared to rolling up your sleaves and providing for a family with hard, often dangerous work.
I absolutely refuse to throw my children to the wolves just because their mother prioritizes whoring and being a sub-par man out in the working world.
This means getting creative and often working extremely long hard days when my children aren't with me, and it's worth ALL of the effort.
Sadly, mothers by default usually get primary custody, to the destruction of those kids.
Male here, very wise woman. Thanks for that.
I did need to hear this. How easy it is to fall into the sin of grumbling about what is not done well or at all, instead of what is; I am guilty of that. The respect issue is so much more challening when you do not sense the other part of Scripture is being fullfilled (husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her....husbands ought to love their wives as their own body). I agree that while we bear the responsiblity for our own sin and responses, it makes submitting and respecting our spouse more natural when we can tell he takes his calling seriously. Men/husbands often forget that their role is beyond just physical provision and this is where the spiritual leadership part is failing.
Good Biblical wisdom. I also noticed how the Bible commands husbands to love their wives but wives to reverence their husbands. God knows what we each need and what we need to be told to give. Hahaha, God doesn't tell us to do the things that come naturally! He teaches us to do the things we wouldn't naturally be inclined to do, and which our sinful flesh fights against, and guides us into the things that are truly right, i.e. the ways that are in Christ.
Uhg i hate to admit it, but this is so true in life so, gald I found this video.
yup
I love love love your respect for your husband ❤ this is so important and I try to tell young women all the time that what men need most out of any relationship is respect, especially from us 💗
Some don't even offer to help.
Cup placement making me anxious
I decided to hire a lady to help me. I gave up. I had a mental breakdown and now I need a vacation without him and my child. I am tired to be resilient.
Ladies you know your husband best. Trust your gut, you're often right most of the time. If he seems unable to care for kids you know he can't so don't make the mistake of letting him take the reigns. It'll be your fault in the end.
You're describing what women do in general toward men. Fear and anxiety is a big part of it. Too many women are taught to defend their fears and and anxieties. They just also drag it into their marriage. When the two become one flesh, it is just that, that are in it together. Modern marriages are more done like the two remain tow pieces of flesh, but with subtle similar interests and passions. But, Biblical marriage is two becoming one flesh and the two raise the children. Its not, "my child", or "when I had my first child", but rather, "when we had our first child", our child".
Alot of times, when women criticize men, over what they do, even when that thing gets done and gets done well, its not really a matter of whether it was moral or immoral, but whether or not it was how they felt it should be done.
Well that was a gut punch
I think this works for normal husbands.. but not for mine... I take the trash out myself because he forgets all the time... it's even to the point where our neighbor who has cancer will take our trash back to the house for me because he knows I'm busy with the kids dot-dot-dot this is an older man who is happily married there is nothing weird going on... but my husband could be home and my neighbor would do my husband's job. I homeschool 2 children while feeding the baby breakfast at the table, all while he is sitting there looking at his phone. I cook and I clean everything he helps with 0% of the chores.. I asked him for help and I'm happy to rewash whatever dish was loaded in the dishwasher not to my standard. But he simply gets to relax on his days off work and I don't get a day off at all as a stay-at-home mom and a homeschooling mom. I am 2nd to his phone.. and even then he puts the kids before me which is not biblical... and I serve this man, and yes I'm tired and so I probably do not add more than I would like to. But I'm not giving up my duties in the bed either I'm doing all of that too. So he's getting the best of everything. And it literally has nothing to do with me criticizing him ... I literally did a search to figure out how to fix this and this is the video that I got... It's always the woman's fault. His sister even talks about how nice I am to him. Sometimes it's cultural Hispanic families are different. Hispanic men do not always value women and so a lot of these videos get on my last damn nerve. Because they're talking to the masses, without ever realizing that there are exceptions.
This has been my experience. I remember sitting on the toilet in terrible pain one time when our first baby was tiny. Husband brought the crying baby to me to nurse while I sat there suffering. Or when I'd ask him to refill my water while I was nursing he'd tell me no, he didn't want to.. not to mention the constant fighting day in and day out. 18 years later things are somewhat better but the only improvements have been when I was completely fed up to my wits end and threw the towel in, literally stressed to the point of multiple mental breakdowns, he modifies his behavior just enough to keep me around, always aiming for the bare minimum he can get away with. I feel duped and defeated and wish I'd never married him. No one is mentioning how instinctual it is to treat a man like a child because he's behaving like one. Man babies are everywhere, even in the Church!
Wisdom here.
Just remember, the way you treat your husband should be a reflection of how the church is to treat Jesus. Attitude, actions, expectations and all...
Good point!
What about the Mr. Moms out there?
What about em?
Is this advice for families with SAHM whose children are in school during the day? because if you’re both working full time jobs then it is expected for the husband to help his wife with duties so that she’s not overwhelmed. When she’s in service to everyone else that she’s of no service to herself. And husbands when you do a chore do it correctly. Bottles should be cleaned thoroughly lest the baby falls ill from uncleanliness. For everything to default to the mother isn’t fair to your wife. Many husbands weaponize incompetence. Giving an hour of your time to help your wife isn’t asking for much. I give gentle and sweet reminders and I don’t call or text my husband while he’s at work with my frustrations.
I am trying so hard but he does not listen me!
"respect your husband openly, plainly, and in a way that he will hear for anything that you can see that he is doing... Thank him, respect him for the work he does." 👏🏻
"Write him a letter, thank him, and then get out of his way as he helps you raise your children."
I am married to a 2nd generation women without a father. It is hard.