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How to solve the BATTLE over who does the chores in your marriage
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- čas přidán 21. 08. 2019
- Do you argue about household chores?
Along with "faithfulness" and "good sex", "chores" ranks among the third highest priority in a healthy marriage. So if we can get on the same page about roles and responsibilities -- especially in a 21st-century modern home -- we can gain a hallmark of unity in our relationship.
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Here are some practical tips for how to divide up household chores, aside from leaving it up to "tradition" alone.
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P.S. Tell us one chore that you're thankful your spouse took over! Us? Adam took over the floors (sweeping/mopping/vacuuming) and Karissa is eternally grateful. Karissa took the reigns on bills/budgeting spreadsheets, and Adam is happy to wash his hands of it.
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The biggest problem seems to be the spouse refuses to recognize that you are doing most of the chores, devaluing what you do and overvaluing what they do. And when you get specific they accuse you of "keeping score".
Partner wants to pay someone to do chores and I’m trying to explain it’s more of a level of maturity and about being responsible for ur messes and not leaving it for me or/the maid. We all need to learn to clean up after ourselves and be responsible instead of “being above” doing dishes, cleaning, etc. but that we have an equal share of the household chores, especially since we both work and share paying rent.
I'm sure that didn't go over well. How can I be so sure it didn't go well???? I'm going to say something very offensive: The words, you typed above, come out of your heart. Words typically expose the hearts condition. Brace yourself------ the words were very disrespectful. solution to follow.
A frustrated (in pain) heart often times cause pain in a spouse. It's the old "hurt people hurt people". Frustration is a form of pain and hurt. Here is a wisdom quote from every religious text: pain is not a problem, pain is proof you have a problem. And one more wisdom quote: Where ever there is pain there is disorder. Order, the accurate arraignment of things.
Heres an example your not dealing with so understanding the point will be easier.
If your spouse has a yard manicured level 9 preference and you have a yard manicured level 3 preference, what do you do?
He gets great value out of the level 9 and you don't. You only get value out of a standard of manicured perfection of up to a level 3. So you both AGREE that a level 3 is the absolute minimum. So a fair and equitable solution is for you to both split the work on the yard up to a level 3 manicured look.
Then if he wants the difference of level 3 all the way up to a level 9 then he does that portion himself because he gets great value and enjoyment out of that and you don't. This is fair and equitable. Why should you do a bunch of extra work that only he benefits from that would be very selfish of him to expect of you.
If he tries to impose his preferential standard of a 9 on you and try to make you WORK to get a 9 then this is controlling, demanding, and mildly abusive and then he is out of order and both of you will feel pain, the proof of disorder. If he continues to try to "GET YOU" to equally do the level 9 work (his self imposed standard, that you don't share) by hinting, demeaning, disrespect, control, negative judgements, emotional outbursts, and anger then I can promise you that this most likely wont work on most women as a long term conflict resolution strategy.
Since his efforts wont work very well he will increasingly become frustrated at the situation but his unconscious doesn't see you and the situation as different things so he will see YOU as his source of frustration, when actually the source of the frustration is his strategy for resolving conflicts isn't yielding good results. The level of disdain for you will grow until he is emanating disdain and doesn't fully realize it (kinda like the disrespectful words mentioned above. its probably not even realized).
Thinking this through: Do you want to EXCEPT (the highest form of love) your spouses preferences and that means you personally do the extra work to obtain your preference, that you unequally benefit from, or do you want to have a destroyed relationship by harboring resentment and frustration in your heart (self imposed pain), imposing your self interested preferences on your spouse(imposed pain upon another), and behaving badly?
I'm ready to leave my Fiance' because of this🤦♀️I honestly can't😭😭
i feel you! youre not alone
Me too. I literally nearly broke up with him yesterday bc I cooked but didn't have time to clean and he did nothing but ended up complaining about me not cleaning up
I know this is a year later, but I relate with you all! Hopefully you didn't leave a found a compromise ❤
If only my boyfriend understood that, and split the chores with me. He promised so many times that he would share the chores, and yet in the end he has always been 'busy' with his business that so many times he let me do the chores alone. We're both having a job, which means we should be splitting the chores, but it the end it has been just me and the chores is taking so much of my time. I've been holding this frustration inside for so long, because the previous times I tried to talk to him about it, he avoided speaking about it directly and sometimes he even avoided talking to me, so it also gives me a sense that it would be useless to keep talking or reminding him about the chores anyway. I want to break up so badly, but I just don't have the courage to, and hence I've been trapped in this situation for a while.
Hi Sandra. I totally understand your frustration. and I hope by now (after 2 weeks you were able to address this issue with your boyfriend)
I have the same situation with my husband (5 years)
I am trying to find ways arround it.
for example I hate that I always do the laundry and fold all his clothes. if not they would stay on the drying rack forever.
so now I fold my own clothes, but his are on a laundry bin just for his clean clothes. at least I do not see it and does not get on the way.
for dishes, I am going to buy a dishwasher at least It won't be always on my to spend hours hand washing daily. and it is easier for him just place the dishes inside.
cleanliness is important for me and my mental health. so I do it regardless (As if I am living by myself) and I communicate this with him, but he just does not have the skills and was not raised doing it.
I know it is unfair. but if there is anyway to bypass some of the chorse do it. ( his favorit mug needs to be washed, leave it. he will need to wash it when he wants coffee )
regarding breaking up. sit down by yourself, and see if you see yourself with him in 5 years (remember people do not really change) so in 5 years are you accepting the fact that he doesn't even want to talk to you about that?
all the best. ♡
Leave him
Gone stay if he doesn't change in 3 months I say gevisnt going to change. Then you be forced to work, house chores and child care all by yourself.
you do all the chores for your boyfriend ??? you are giving him husband treatment. is he providing for you at least ? if not run :)
Wow! Amazing info. I’ve been struggling with how to discuss chores in our marriage! Thank you for this video!
My man is losing me soon if he does not grow out of his outdated mindset. I work as much as him. I am a solicitor, speak three languages. I think I deserve better
Lawyer here. Agree 💯! My man actually does not have an outdated mindset but he just doesn't see that certain things need to be done. He can live with a dirty kitchen and nearly no clothes to wear and windows that you can almost see nothing through, bc they need to get cleaned so bad.
@@Catplanty my issue is that my partner has higher standards than mines when it comes to cleaning. I can live with a dirty kitchen for a few days but not wurlthout reading some pages of a novel before sleeping. He expects more elaborated meals while sometimes I am happy with basic cooking.
But he expects me to do all this.
@@ellieborla9243 if he's the one with higher standards, he should do what needs to be done. It's not your job to fulfill his needs.
One thing that might actually help and that I did with my partner is talking about definitions of achievement (doa). For example you might think that the kitchen is clean when everything is neatly put away while your partner thinks that the kitchen is clean when every ounce is swept with cleaner. You might then be able to find a middle ground. Like sweeping the counter top on which you prepare food. Then everything that's above the middle ground falls into the responsibility of the one, who has higher standards.
I hope I explained it well, my English is a little rusty 😅
@@Catplanty It is a good idea! But, also, if I cook he should clean.
@@ellieborla9243 definitely. We split this half way. One of us cooks, the other one does the dishes in the meanwhile. That's great bc the kitchen is clean as soon as you're ready to eat 🙈
This is really good advice.
It's pretty easy. Are you unemployed? Then you do the housework and stop complaining.
Both working full time? Spilt the chores like responsible adults.
Also, don't let the wife run the house.
What about when you are more skilled at almost all household chores than your partner? 😵
haha have the situation here. so I get my husband to do things that really require 0 skills. like using a vacuum cleaner :v
The reason your partner is less skilled is because he hasn't had enough practice or he's not trying hard enough and he's rushing through it. Everyone has the ability to do chores well, unless you have a severe mental or physical handicap.
My spouse rushes through the dishes and doesn’t do a thorough job - leaves them still dirty plus he doesn’t clean the sink afterwards. I’ve discussed this with him but he thinks I criticize him. 0:01 Also, I do many more things than him. I really need to talk with him about evening out the household duties.
Assuming the solution to all of this is moving away from traditional gender roles and towards greater equity of responsibilities in domestic labor assumes in 2024 that gender roles are the underlying problem here . As a man who does far more chores than my woman partner, I can say that some people just have diffetent standards on how a house should be kept and that there must first be an agreement on these matters withoutt coercion. You can't expext your partner to subscribe to whatever you consider a best practice or normal and then get angry when they don't actively carry out your desired task.
Paying the bills is electronically and should be setup to be done automatically. That’s not hard at alll once u set it up
Budgeting, paying down Cc balances, setting up automatic payments, calling about bills, making transfers... it more work then you know.
@@troysweere2417 Budgeting = money you didn't work for
Paying down CC balances = paying with not your money
Setting up automatic payments = using internet paid by not your money
Calling about bills = ... i'll give u this ... this is beyond annoying
Making transfers = transferring not your money electronically
You have a dream job lady
This did not work for us. She thought it would be a good idea to split the chores but she found out real quick she cannot take the heat and started crying when it was her turn to do the yard in 110 degrees. She wanted nothing to do with changing the oil in the car or fixing it for that matter when it broke. I tried to get her into the garage to help build some stuff for around the house AKA handy man repairs and she does not like getting splinters, complains about dirt and grease messing up her nails.
We need to do roof repairs soon and I am not sure she is going to like ladders or the heights. I feel this might work for others but not us. She loves staying in the nice AC and does not complain anymore about stuff easily done in comfort. This
theory is for apartment dwellers most likely....
Is the yard - oil/water changes top up - building stuff around the house and handy man repairs an everyday occurrence? Like it is as usual as say brushing your teeth or making the bed? If so than perhaps you have a point. But home cleanliness - tidying up the everyday mundane things should just BE DONE. If you as a partner need a conversation about basic adult chores expected of anyone dwelling in a home then that's perhaps a place of internal growth you need to address.
@@SlySongbird I think the internet has made it easier for women to complain about their lives. Go try living in Pakistan as a woman. American women have everything in the free world yet still complain about their easy life styles. Yes, we live where there is constantly outdoor things to be done..
Facts
@@SlySongbird it is a pretty common occurrence. The yard is weekly, the car maintenance should be a weekly check up, household repairs and maintenance are weekly too. It becomes an imbalance between spouses where one covers the manual duties and still has to do half of the domestic duties while the other only does the other half of domestic duties and no more.
That sort of disparity would be unfair and makes the relationship rocky.
Ok I'm sorry, but I am a women and am much more skilled in handy work than my man will ever be. And no, I do not work in a job that requires this. I'm a lawyer in a big law firm, so no handy work at all.
But I would never ever complain about my nails getting dirty from working. Think you've got yourself a princess there. But I also think you must've known that before you moved in with her 🤷♀️
Average new bride is 21, guy 24. Bride marries fresh out of college. Her mom did chores all the brides life, dad sat in muffler shops waiting for brides car repair. Did bride ever cut lawn, wash cars, paint fence ? So bride returns from honeymoon and starts bitching about laundry, grocerys ,cooking and dishes. hubbys mom used to do all that and hes never grocery shopped ever. The wedding planner never told this to the couple. Wait until a baby comes. Meanwhile grooms pals are riding from bar to bar on their harleys, teasing strippers, co-eds and bridal parties on a last fling.
You don’t cut lawns, wash cars and paint the fence everyday. The chores she is speaking about are daily tasks…
I like how the Harleys were thrown into the scenario lol
The cleaning you did it everyday everyday the cooking is everyday .
What you are talking about is once in a while .
End of the story .