The Depressing Normalization Of The Useless Husband
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- čas přidán 14. 11. 2022
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Chelsea sounds off about the depressing trend of wives making "funny" videos of their husbands willfully not contributing to the household, and what this means for our relationships and finances.
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I will never forget photographing a pregnant lady with her family. Husband and little boy. She was soooo pregnant. The little boy started running around and screaming because obviously they were getting bored and not wanting to sit for a million pictures. He was crying and running around and the super pregnant lady looked over at her big burly husband like, “please get him I can’t move.” And he looked at her like, “what do you want me to do???” And then she sighed and went to get her little boy while he just stood there. It was an actual horror story.
I'd put money on it that he fell asleep during her labour.
So sad
I’m sure that baby in the oven will be her last !
I watched a woman at the beach sunscreen about 6 kids while her husband sat there and did nothing. I was horrified
This is heartbreaking.
Why even have a husband if you’ll be doing everything?
Why even have a wife if we’ll end up doing everything?
@@supermichaelssecondchannel4342 since when is half eveything
😂I've said that without noticing my spouse was listening.
@@supermichaelssecondchannel4342 what exactly do you call everything sir?
@@supermichaelssecondchannel4342 What small amount of anecdotal evidence do you have to support your statement. I'll wait.
I remember my former MIL once telling me I needed to keep up with my kitchen better despite the fact that I was eating most of my meals at my second job while her son skipped work to play World of Warcraft hungover. I told her I was not put on this Earth to clean up after her completely grown son. The audacity.
Get out while there's still time.
It's going to get so much worse for you.
Wow!! She's delusional
Her stupid attitude is why her son became an utter failure
I was a World of Warcraft widow. The best decision I ever made was to divorce that man. I was amazed at how much easier it was without him in the house because he was truly like my third child, except I couldn’t ground him from his computer or get him to do anything.. I was so much happier and calmer because without him in the house, at least I knew not to expect any help. I was already doing everything by myself, but I no longer experienced resentment and aggravation of having to deal with him too. I also taught my sons to help me.
Sorry you have a Monster-In-law there who reinforces such misogynistic gender roles. She is part of the problem.
I was recently having breakfast in a hotel with a female colleague on a business trip. When i saw her on doordash ordering an additional breakfast, i asked what she was doing. She told me she was ordering breakfast for her two daughters because, if she didn't, they wouldn't get fed by her husband.
🙁
Man that's just depressing, I'm lucky because my parents were pretty egalitarian with household tasks and gender roles which gave me a huge shock when I found out other peoples dad's didn't bother to cook clean or remember planned events or activities or birthdays or anything. Even though my dad's pretty proactive in sharing household chores I'm physically disabled and can't cook for myself without potentially hurting myself so I have to rely on my parents or order delivery, I couldnt ever imagine having to rely on one parent ordering food delivery because the other won't even bother to cook and just inadvertently starves their kids out of sheer incompetence
Yeah. That's a no right off the bat for me.
Before I got married I laid down all the rules with my husband. 22 years later, I'm still not his maid or cook.
That is horrific. What's sad is that her children will soon understand how their dad is treating them, and they will think that's NORMAL. And, they'll probably pick partners like that.
@@christins.1481 22 yrs later ? If that's you in the pic i doubt you've been married for 20+ yrs?
But good for u for having self respect
After the birth of my first child, I stayed home for 6 months, then I went to work and my husband stayed home for 6 months. When my husband stayed home I was so judged and vilified by people. That I was neglecting my child and abusing my husband for “forcing” him to stay home with HIS OWN KID. No one called him a horrible husband and father when he went back to work the day after I gave birth.
Everyone assume girls want kids and boys only agree to have them under duress. No, boys want kids too (that’s… why dads exist…) and ‘reluctant dads’ are only in that situation because they lied to their spouse about wanting kids!
Wait, that's essentially saying that a man staying home with his child is a punishment. Which...if any man sees it that way, you should've had a vasectomy and maybe given more weight to the fact that sex has a high chance of leading to having children, before having sex.
Men spending time with their own children USED to be viewed as a commendable task in a society, class and time, when only a man could work, and spending that quality time with his child was considered a marker of success that he could afford to take time off to show his love for his family when he could have been earning more money....it’s nostalgia.... we haven’t updated anything for the society, class and time we’re currently living in. Many people have the same disdain for men raising a child in this day and age (“he’s not a real man, his wife must be a [insert your favourite derogatory term] and have him by the balls”), as people did when women entered the workforce enmass (“she’s not a real woman, she should be in the nursery with her child, her husband must be an abusive derelict and forced her to do it”). We’re just the generation unfortunately living through this changeover period. Hopefully our grandchildren will be able to laugh about this nonsense of men caring for their own children in the same way we laugh when we hear the old stories of men being shocked that the female brain knew how to operate a power tool 😂
This is exactly what my husband's sister and mother did. They called me selfish and told me my kids would hate me when they got older. I still can't talk to his sister to this day. Can't stand that woman.
@@catherineomondi7850 thats disgusting behaviour, how dare they?. How can you be selfish when you’re providing for your family and creating a situation where your child is cared for at home by a parent???? A man does the EXACT same thing and he’s a great husband, a provider, a breadwinner. I make twice what my husband does. It made more financial sense for me to go back to work. But no, I’m an evil selfish witch when I’m the one providing for my family. We’re so backwards as a society it’s embarrassing.
Weaponised Incompetence needs to be discussed more. Thanks for this.
If a wife sat at home all day and waited for the husband to come home to change the air filter, or change a lightbulb, or kill a bug, would that qualify as weaponized incompetence?
@@BrokeMillionaire1
Yes it is
@@Shay45 thank you.
@@BrokeMillionaire1 could also be passive aggressive instead. Making a task list for men because they don't even know or track when the filter needs to be changed, and killing bugs as some sort of ego boost for the men by giving a wifely vulnerable impression needing then men to save them.
@@AM.000 I have this real phobia of roaches. Having to deal with this myself is one of the things I feared most when I got divorced. I do it, am terrified, but do it.
I still will rope anyone I can think of into removing dead bugs. And I just added gel poison all around the house, since summer is coming here. I will rope the guy who works in the building into adding poison to my neighbors place, where the infestation comes from. Again.
I’ve heard people using the term “married single mom”…I think this must be what they’re referring to.
It is
I'm a married single mother of multiples (M.o.M.), and I'm sorry to say that it took my father-in-law dying for my husband to realize that he has about five years to actually be a father to our twins before they go to college. It's insulting that my father-in-law's death was a good thing for our family. (In case it's relevant, we are a nuclear family--just us and the kids.)
Not married, no kids, but one common theme I hear about is fathers saying they have to babysit. If they’re YOUR kids, you aren’t babysitting them… you’re supposed to be parenting them!
What if he is out laying bricks all day in the summer? Meanwhile, watching DVDs and making dinner at the house is considered "laborious."
My dad use to say this a lot whenever he was home with us while my mom was out. He would tell people that he was babysitting us and that's why he couldn't hang out with his friends.
He even asked me where my two children were when I was visiting them one day without the kiddos with me. He asked if their dad (my husband) was babysitting our kids. I said no. He's being a dad by taking care of his children. Then my dad just closed his mouth because unlike my mom, I didn't tolerate his misogynistic behavior.
@@kickindow3140excuse me?!?!?! Maybe that’s what you do when you’re “babysitting “.
Leaving your children with babysitters is just rolling the dice on having your child abused, and I hate that the work culture of this country has normalize this to the degree
I'm outside doing yard work to grow food in addition to making money. Getting to play with the kids instead of working all day would be a privilege.@@abalzeris831
I feel like men like the idea of having a family but don’t want to do anything towards it.
They get SOOO much attention and social "boost"
Just like a lot of boys like the idea of having a girlfriend but not being an actual boyfriend or husband in the future. The mentality starts at a young age 😢
I'm 23 years old, my dad has been cheating on my mom for years and they don't even live together anymore nor are they involved in eachothers fiances. Anytime my dad asks for a payraise he references his kids and his wife as a reason why and always gets it because he has a kind boss. All his kids are grown now and because he spent all his money on his new girlfriend I had to drop out of college as he wasn't providing his half anymore and I knew he wasn't going to. Point is, families are just social clout for men either in their personal lives or professional lives. They're so proud of their families until all their lack of care comes back to bite them.
Yup this was pretty much my dad growing up, it drives me crazy even as an adult
They like having a fucktoy and domestic slave which is how they see & treat women let’s be real
I'm a teacher and have called parents about their children and has multiple fathers say 'oh my wife deals with all the school things, I wouldn't know' or 'oh my wife does all the parent teacher interviews and deals with that stuff'
It's your child! You should know these things!
Imagine your wife dying suddenly and you not knowing the bare minimum of identifying info about the minor you're legally in charge of. I remember seeing street interviews asking parents basic info about their kids (birthdays, middle names, schools, allergies etc)-moms knew all, dads knew a few (definitely edited but still). If they hadn't willingly signed up for these interviews they could be suspected of trafficking these kids lol
Kind of what wives do when it comes to buying and servicing a car and having work done around the house.
@@misterm5325 eh. A lot of car/house maintenance is outsourced and what does that have to do with knowing about your children's lives? Division of labor is fine but that's a separate issue from how much interest is invested in a couple's children. They're both legally responsible
@@misterm5325 If you don't want to have kids just don't. Why do you want to pay for people you don't know to live under your roof. Just get a fleslight geez.
That drove me nuts as a foster care worker. One family I particularly remember, I got there before the wife one time for a home visit. Husband stonewalled me--wouldn't answer a single question and said to just wait til his wife got home. Thanks, bud--your wasting her time is now wasting mine as well.
After 13 years, i had enough and told him that i was done. Filed for divorce from Mr Bare Minimum and found a mature, emotionally intelligent, caring MAN. Lets not normalize being unhappy
Amen - Divorcing mine now ❤
cringe
@BenAguilar-oz6de what's cringe?
Congratulations on your new wonderful love!
Where does one find these gems? I
Whats worse is when they seem competent while they're single; clean house, clean car, etc... and you THINK you've found someone who will divide chores equally...but as soon as you marry them they start leaving dirty clothes and dishes and food wrappers all over the house and truly believe that its your job to pick up after them now. Ugh!!!
So true
Don't get married. So he is not too sure you will stay no matter how worse he gets.
This happens all the time. It's infuriating because 99% of the time, they refuse to do their share of the household and childcare labor even though they're capable.
I mean, is she a housewife, and does he work?
@@sapphirelane1714 why leave clothes in the floor just because you are working? it probably just mean they are lazy but i would totally think they are making fun of me and get offended at something like that.
Girls are raised to be wives but boys aren't raised to be husbands. Women show up prepared for the job and men have to learn on the go. It sucks.
This is really well-said and succinctly-put. Thanks :)
Pretty much. I learned this is the real reason why a lot of women like “mature” guys, because they don’t have to grow them. Most women have to pretty much grow their husbands and it sucks.
What world do you live in? Every thirtysomething couple I know including my own children were raised to share responsibilities and work together. Once again, I don’t know where all of this is coming from and who was interviewed for it.
@@lisalatourette6163 have you every talked to another woman?
They had fathers? How did they not learn anything?
My fear is to marry a useless husband...
Meet his mother and that will give you an indication of what his expectations will be. The mother who did everything for her son does him no favours in raising him to become a self-sufficient adult. Does he know how to do laundry? Load a dishwasher? Wipe down counters? Does he know how to cook at least a handful of meals for himself--AND clean up after himself? Does he sit in front of the TV watching "the game" at a holiday gathering while the "women folk" are in the kitchen? And this is key: What does his bathroom look like? Those are all clues.
Literally THIS
@@LedgerAndLace this is scarily true. Once I met the guys parents, and especially talked to his mother, the blinders that some people have on my gosh. The mom was hyper focused on her son getting a good education, yet him and the parents were SHCOCKED I was getting an undergrad and entertaining a grad degree right after; by shocked I mean not married and pregnant. The mom had her first kid at the age I was at as well, and it was weird double talk where she should it would be helpful to give me tips about childcare, whilst also saying without saying it that I am not good enough for her son…..? Try unpacking that one in therapy lol
You dont have to be in love with possible future inlaws, but if you put out your feelers and you are uncomfortable around them, that may be the sign you need to leave.
@@LedgerAndLace thank you, those sound like good tips. My actual boyfriend is 50/50 on what you say. Sadly their parents are not alive, he lives with his sister and both maintain the house, my boyfriend cleans after himself and a dog, only bad part.. his bathroom is not in a good shape, half because id very old and other half I believe is lack of cleaning. He is a loving, respectful, responsible and attentive human being, only thing that makes me a little worried is his bathroom... guess it only needs some work.
Make sure you’ve lived with him for several years before considering marriage, and even then remember you can always get divorced. If you’re really a great couple in all ways except when you try to live together, you can even separate your living situations without breaking up. To me someone wouldn’t be marriage material unless they were also roommate material, but I have met a few married couples that get along well without living together.
I’m a 55-year-old male who knows several “adult” men stuck in perpetual adolescence. It sickens me.
What is it that sickens you? The fact that they're stuck in perpetual adolescence, or the fact that you know them? Or perhaps the fact that you're a 55 year-old male?
my 40yo brother is like that lol. too bad its fueled by my mother
@@joannasekua6273
If he lives alone it's ok, the moment others are affected that's when it's bad.
Thank you. Not to self: it doesn't get better with age.
A lot of them were raised by single mothers.
My husband does so much normally and isn't loud about it. I'm 33 and pregnant with my first. In my first trimester, being sick and exhausted, my husband took over most of my usual household tasks in addition to his own without complaint, would go out of his way to get me what I could eat, and avoided eating some of his favorite foods because the smells were triggers for me. When I tell his mom how wonderful he is her response is typically along the lines of "good that's how he was raised" or "he better be". I feel lucky to have him in my life and can tell that the way he was raised had a big impact. I think you can tell a lot about your partner when you're dating by looking at their relationship with family, particularly mothers and sisters.
YES! That’s what dating is for! Study who they are and don’t ignore flags!
"he better be" lol, that's a mother who raised a man, not a potato. I'm happy for you!
I've got a 13 year old son. I've told him straight up if he is lazy and disrespectful toward his wife and kids, I will pay for her divorce lawyer myself.
@@FirstnameLastnames Seriously, I'm not the one making assumptions here. I'm quite in tune with my children, thank you. Also, why even bring sexual orientation into the conversation? I'm a stranger on the internet, I'm pretty sure I know my son and his girlfriend better that you do. I've already told him straight (ha) that he can marry whoever he wants, or be gay, or whatever he wants. Like most of world, he's firmly heterosexual. He's in a temporarily platonic relationship with a girl from church who he's had a crush on since he was ten years old. When they both turn eighteen, they'll have the option to get married, but certainly not due to any pressure from me. They may or may not be ready. They are absolutely enamored with each other, she is all he can think about, he's been in puppy love with her for years. But if he wanted to be gay, I'd welcome his gay partner into the family.
I noticed how few upvotes and replies you received by praising your husband, and giving credit where credit is due.
I always wondered why my mom was not as chill and cool headed like my dad growing up. My mom now talks about how he changed maybe 10 diapers with 4 kids. Now it boils my blood when I see my friends with kids with “chill” partners. You live here too a-hole, now take out the trash that’s overflowing while your wife is trying to calm the baby down and making dinner at the same time.
i agree. i would like to ask, have you ever talked to your friends or done anything about it? i’m kinda asking for advice or personal experience because i’m still pretty young so none of my friends are married but if i ever saw any of my friends go through that, even though i know their relationship is none of my business really, i’d feel really sad and angry for them. so i just don’t know what would be a good way to react while trying to help my friend see the unfairness of the situation if i ever come across such a situation in the future.
@@jbtfp from own experience, you won't change anything. I have watched all my girl friends make the same mistakes despite me talking about these things with them before it happened. They won't listen, because with them "it will be different", their husbands will be the exception and everything will be perfect. Once they are trapped and unhappy, most will say so ( at least my friends do), but until they reach their absolute breaking point, nothing will change - sadly, some will continue even then. I haven't found a way to help them other than listening and hoping some day they find the courage to change. When they have reached this point BTW they fully know the problems, no need pointing things out there anymore
@@jbtfp I gotta agree with @drottnari. Luckily, it's not a ton of my friends who go through it, but the ones that do, it's normally extremely chaotic and tense environment when one partner is doing more than the other. I don't outright say "take out the trash" or "you need to do more". I might add something like if I'm helping my friend with dinner and the baby is crying, I'll say like "hey could you set the table?" "The baby is fussy and possibly wants daddy?" Thing is, I know it's going to go back to normal straight away. It's up to your friends to work that part of their relationship. It does help to just let them vent and MAYBE, gently, mention how you notice that they're running on fumes and their partner, not so much. It might help that they have an outside person validating their feelings. Another thing, when the kids are older, I'll try to get the kids to see how much their mom is doing. "Mommy worked really hard on dinner and it looks yummy, take a bite." My friends (with bad and good partners) DEF appreciate it when you side with them when their kids get a little ungrateful.
@@jbtfp I was married young, with kids, and my husband was abusive and absent. Honestly, it was helpful for me when my friends would come over and say something to him, like, in the moment as he was being unhelpful. I remember one time, specifically, a friend came over to pick me up for roller derby practice (would’ve been my first time out of the house in months) and she asked him outright to watch the kids while we went. She too had a baby at home, and her husband was watching their son. My ex shrugged and said “I guess I’ll babysit” and my friend laughed at him and said “they’re your kids, you aren’t babysitting your OWN kids!” She then came into the kitchen to help me finish up dinner or dishes or whatever thing I was working on. Anyways, while we were in there, he left. He just got in his vehicle and drove away. I asked my parents to babysit that night and we were divorced within the year.
All I can say is, don’t come down too hard on your girlfriends when they are in these scenarios. Husbands like that put you in, what I used to call, “crying baby chicken” situations; like, the guy is always way more comfortable letting a kid suffer than you will be. When it’s between the two of you, you smell a dirty diaper and you will change it immediately. He won’t. You see something the baby might trip over and move it immediately, he won’t. You can ask him until you are blue in the face but guys like this have a way of making you feel like you’re being a nag and need to just relax, while most things are simple unspoken little tasks that add up. They won’t just think ahead and start a load of laundry or wipe off the counter. You’ll realize that when they do participate, they will do so in a way that somehow makes things harder for you later. When I was leaving my first husband everyone told me I was breaking up my family, and when he did a couple things to “help” I was told I was ignoring his efforts. Everyone, including her, is going to be telling your friend what she _should_ be doing. I think it’s fine to offer her resources, like the book referred to in the video, or similar. But try not to be upset with her for _letting_ this happen. She’s just trying to keep the snot off the kid’s face and the cheerios out of the carpet. She can’t micromanage her jackass husband on top of all that, and it’s _his_ fault this is happening, not hers.
And then men get so much praise for changing *one* diaper...
The physical labour and organization is one thing, but another thing I notice with hetero couples is how often the woman will be managing the man's _emotions_ for him as well. He'll get angry or petulant or frustrated and she'll devise some way to calm him down before he throws a tantrum.
Cause that's what you learn to do with toddlers so why not use those skills on adults as well 🙃
🎀Loved both comments. I read something recently or rather listened to a bisexual woman who decided to become a lesbian. Which gave me alot to ponder on. She said that women were evolving for the modern times we are living in now but men still haven’t caught up. Which is why in many heterosexual relationships, the woman always ended up having to mother her husband. 🎀
Realising that I've learned how to handle my Dad this way from watching my Mom do the same....gutting
YUP
Yeah, explored this in therapy…..that is how you handle children. Ik someone already said it in the replies, but omg how this rings true!
This is what ppl mean when they say patriarchy hurts everyone, yes even the men. Being emotionally stunted as a child in a grown mans body who makes money for the family, I cannot imagine the chaos in their heads. Meanwhile, us women pick up their slack every time…
My husband actually said, “Raising kids and housework has no value because you didn’t get paid for it.” I told him never to say that to his female relatives because they would kill him. It’s completely sexist.
You should tell him that work is necessary for many people to do work that gets paid oh my days
Your husband said that to you?! Ouch! How do you deal with him?
Divorse him. He doesn't value you or your kids. And is a bad influence for them.
Your husband is, respectfully, a dumb dumb. If you can’t take care of your kids and house, you have to pay someone to do it for you… and that’s the value.
If my husband said that we wouldn’t be married
As a husband with 2 kids, it really pisses me off when I see guys who let their wives do all the heavy lifting or when I get a comment like "why doesn't you wife take care of that?" from my older colleagues. We both have full time jobs and I work so hard taking care of my kids and so does my wife. I could not imagine putting all of that responsibility on my wife and don't see how any "man" can think they're above changing a diaper.
My ex used to tell me that I should be responsible for the dishes (like ALL the dishes) because I, and I quote, "enjoy baking cookies and shit". Loved that for me. I also loved how, for the first year of COVID, we didn't eat out once and I made every. single. meal. Every single thing we ate for 9 months, I made myself. I was so burnt out that I stopped cooking for about 2 years because I could no longer stand being in the kitchen, even though cooking and baking used to be really enjoyable for me. 8 months after having dumped that dead weight, I am finally finding joy in cooking and making myself nice things. In general, he was so manipulative. This "not all men" thing... yeah, but "way too many men"
God, it's so sad to read all these comments and relating to so many of them :(
Yeah it's really crazy. Like, my own husband is a wonderful and caring guy, was fine taking care of himself before we got married and also for our first few years of marriage, and is often quite helpful (especially given I have chronic health issues)... And I *still* had to have this conversation with him, because there came a point where something changed, and I found myself frequently needing to remind and nag him to do things/do things properly. Like he'd forget where things went in his own house, do a poor job washing dishes, not do things that needed doing unless I reminded him even if they were usually his job.... He seemed to think his work meant he needed reminding to do things around the house, as if it was his job to make the money and mine to remind him to do anything else. And it seems common for other girlfriends whose husbands and fiancees end up doing the same thing eventually. Even a random acquaintance once mentioned guys get tunnel vision about their jobs and suddenly forget how to take care of their own homes and the rest of their lives, and all the women were nodding and giving funny nods to their husbands. It's a really weird thing to witness, especially in men who were not previously like that.
I'll bet he "enjoyed EATING cookies and shit". I swear, it seems that some of these dudes think food just magically appears in the "chilly box" (fridge), the "cold box" (freezer), in the "hot box" (oven/microwave), on top of the "hot box" (stovetop), or in the "snacky spot" (wherever you keep chips and other foods not requiring preparation or refrigeration), ready to eat.
@@tvdavis he used to ask me if I could make him tea and, after while of being asked 5+ times a day, I was starting to feel like a maid. His defense? "I'm only asking, you can say 'no'"
alright then, I started saying no. And guess who started complaining that I had turned into such a b*tch?
Honestly, it took so long for me to see the abuse and acknowledge that that was what was happening. The first year after I broke up with him, I was so ashamed of myself. Now, I know I didn't have the strength and tools to do better for myself but now I do.
I'm still trying to figure out how someone liking to bake has anything to do with liking to do the dishes!?
@@aerialpunk- they didn't "forget", they were just hoping you wouldn't notice
I just spent a weekend away with a group of 18 30-40 something, a few with kids and a few without. All of the women were in shock and awe that my husband volunteered to make hot breakfast twice on the trip, and cleaned up after other meals while most of the other guys just sat on their asses. I left my first husband because he did not do his fair share of the housework and I was tired of it. He didn't hear me when I told him, so I left. He was a sweet, nice guy, but I was NOT going to have children with someone like that. And I was NOT going spend my life taking care of one.
I hope your sex is good too. honestly. thats our problem.
I stay #childfree for this reason.
I have 3 children. I spent 12 years with a husband, who was like that. I was only happy 2 years of that marriage. We have been separated since August 2022. I'm 34 and I had to move in with my parents cuz my soon to be ex couldn't keep a job, help with our disabled child, or clean up the house when I worked overtime and still couldn't pay all the bills. I'm Glad, I left. I don't regret my kids. I just regret who their father is.
@honestrat03 they often do not know any better, manipulated or coerced into unhappy marriages, often by family. They are told, that this is the way it is.
Good for you .
House work inevitable it’s part of being an adult. However prolonged habits of not doing house work ; and the woman always doing it behind the man is just distasteful experience. Yet years of this lack of responsibility from men puts an unbearable strain on female. In addition , women of non white backgrounds, get worse because these groups of women make way less then their white counterparts.
Now that I am 26 my mom is now telling (venting) to me about how much she resents my dad and all the uneven dynamics in their relationship. Now my dad is retired and my mom is still working and my mom still cooks every day, does the shopping, plans all the celebrarions and my dad sits in his recliner all day. My mom just had eye surgery this week and when I called her she was making dinner for my dad and my 30 year old brother who still lives at home and who has never had a job/gone to school.
It makes me SO MAD. It also makes me never want to get married.
please help your mom leave that situation, or take only her on vacations so she gets breaks, that's what I do for my mom!!
You know that at 26, you can have an adult conversation with your dad? How does he explain his conduct? If your mom resents your dad, why is she still there? Does he know or is he too numb to care?
Yeah, don't listen to the people telling you to talk to your dad about his behaviour. It will not end well for you, and your mum will not support you. She is an enabler as long as she continues with doing it. 😊
She can simply choose to stop enabling the situation. There are no minors in the house, it's not child neglect. Stop cooking. Cook for herself. Do her own laundry. Enabling these big babies is half the problem. It's different when there are children in the house, it's much harder to draw the line. The easiest thing to do is just walk out and start your own life, but if you can't leave, stop enabling. This is from someone born in 1962, been there done that.
Do not follow the terrible advice you are being given here to talk to your father about this. That's further enabling the situation! It is not your problem to fix. Help your mom when you can, but don't take on trying to"fix" your father. It won't go well.
I know I'm in the minority when I realize that for 20 years I didn't touch a broom or a mop or did food shopping because my husband just took care of one of that for me so that I could work and we raised 2 kids together and he worked full time but my job was more demanding. . so yeah I know I'm in the minority. I lost my husband 4 years ago and I always smile when I tell people that story they don't believe me. Tribute to Nelson.
Rip Nelson
Wonderful story Wilma
I'm sorry you lost your wonderful husband. I'm a widow too and it's the worst.
Shout out to a real one. Your husband was a PARTNER. That's all anyone could ask for. A load shared is a load lightened. My dear husband is disabled now, but when he was able, he didn't have to be begged and pestered to be a spouse. I was afraid to go to the restroom in the morning because he would make the bed before I could get back, and would be in the kitchen feeding the dog by the time I was done!
Bravo, Nelson, the true, wonderful, divinely masculine man. 👏👏👏
When I was married to my first husband, he asked me to cut his steak for him when we were having dinner one day. I asked him if he was incapacitated in some way. He said No, so I asked why he needed me to cut his steak for him. He said "You would if you loved me." I shook my head and walked away. We barely made it a year.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
😳😳😳
i would have cut his steak and eaten it myself
"If you loved me you would..." is the most manipulative phrase. Good for you for shutting that down!
How the hell is someone so lazy to cut a steak? Everyone is taught how to cut or slice food at some time, it isn't that difficult.
There was a TikTok I saw where a woman asked her male partner what happens to the hair in the sink after he shaves and he says he doesn’t think about it and it disappears a few hours after.
I know it’s probably a joke but it still fills me with rage
Heaving sigh
Probably not a joke I know this is something my dad used to do
It's probably not a joke. I never thought about stuff like that either, until I grew up.
I saw the same one. I don’t think it was a joke
The fact that my husband always reminds our son to clean up after he's shaved is a huge relief to me.
I was with the overgrown man child for way too long.
After I ended the relationship, found a new love and OMG yall- he just does stuff. He noticed the one light outside didn’t work. So he bought a replacement for both lights, and put them up that afternoon.
He just did it.
I love to cook. He doesn’t. When we’re done our dinner, he gets up and does the dishes. Cleans the kitchen.
He just does it. I don’t have to ask- I’ve never had to ask. It’s incredible.
He’s a great man and a great person and he knows what it means to work hard and come home to more work. So… he just does stuff. And it’s enough to make me tear up sometimes. How lucky I am.
This needs to become the standard
I look at it like this: if a man can't even treat you as an equal, how can he even say he loves you?
He loves the all purpose household appliance.
I agree 100%. I don't understand why women put up with it. Why stay with him, what's the point?
If he treats you as equal he does not love you.
Love is when each have somthing unique to give to the other person, not giving what he already has
@@AnnAndNalabecause the men degraded/abused the women so much that she had no self confidence left. That’s why they stay. It happened to me and I stayed for a few years. Thankfully I managed to get on the path of healing and discovering myself. I was able to leave. I wished I had done it sooner but I was glad I did it eventually.
I can relate. Sadly. After our child was born my husband magically turned into freaking helpless toddler, who can’t do a single thing without instructions and supervision. On top of that he lost his job and keeps denying every opportunity that is below his standards. My friends are talking me out of divorce since taking care of child alone would be much more difficult, but honestly if we split I will have only one kid to take care of.
Dude, drop the dead weight...
Has he told you why he keeps denying the job opportunities? I mean, you have a newborn to keep, what are his standards? He might be depressed after losing his job, but that's no excuse to not try and deal with it.
I had 3 kids, and a husband who was like a special needs 5yo. Divorced him. Sure being a single mum is hard, but it was suddenly SOOOOOO much easier.
Divorce Babe Divorce!
If you feel intuitively that divorce is right for you then dont let your friends talk you out of it. Your friends aren't married to him, you are.
If you can afford a divorce andare able to tolerate the legal process of getting one then you're right, you'll have one less man/child to deal with at the end of it and that might be easier for you overall.
It might benefit your child too not growing up in a household where one partner (your husband) refuses to respect and support the other.
This is why I divorced my man-child ex-husband. Ran two companies, raised 3 children, and he didn’t work last 8 years. Would complain if I asked him to throw out the trash. Life is SO much easier being a single mom, bread winner, and no husband around!
I am sorry he was literally dead weight. But good for you for dropping him!
Exactly!
Same. 2 businesses, but just 2 children.
🙌🏻 could not agree more!!
What a parasite he was, just leeching off your money and housework
I shocked my husband yesterday when I said that I sit in silence on my commute home from work. I need that time of low stimulus to go from teaching middle school to parenting two young kids. I don't think he realized how stressful both environments are. He does actually parent and does all of the nighttime parenting. That's probably why I'm the only mom I know who isn't taking anxiety medication.
❤❤❤
A red flag I’ve learned to pick up on: if a guy makes it a point to whine about “gold diggers” in the beginning of the relationship, watch out. He’s likely priming you to pay for EVERYTHING out of a misguided desire to prove to him that you’re not like his ex wife/all of his friends wives. Guys who’ve had a lot of personal experience with “gold diggers” are men who love shallow, appearance-focused women who love drama and good times on her man’s dime.
In other words, he’s going to make you pay for this relationship because you’re not the immature arm candy he prefers.
☝️☝️Join channel on telégram....
Appreciate this perspective 🎯
No lies!!
Yup!!! Since women are hella codependent, they will get triggered and prove their worth.
Most guys complaining about "gold diggers" explicitly show off their wealth to attract them. They're all hypocrites.
Regardless, if you hear any "incel" like speech, run away. If you don't know what an incel is, learn it quick. The name "Jordan Peterson" or worse "Andrew Tate," should send you to the hills.
A Red flag to me is when a man who has lived in a house for years and doesn't know where basic household items are, especially cleaning products or cooking utensils, unless your partner is constantly going on organizing marathons and shuffling where things are all the time, you should know where things are. Not knowing means that man hasn't put these things away or done cleaning work ever.
My ex used to insist up and down that he did the dishes "sometimes", which was absolute bullshit, and I called him out on it when I was visiting my parents and he called to ask where the dish soap was. He didn't even have the wherewithal to look under the fucking sink.
Or when you've had multiple conversations about the division of household chores, and it's solely his job to put things away, and he still doesn't know where stuff is or should be put 🙄 or when they ask the dumbest questions like what should I use to wipe up this spill? or when you've asked him to sweep or put clothes in the wash one too many times, and you get fed up and when he sees you about to just do it yourself he says, no that's my job....like if you never do the chore, do it incorrectly, or have to have me supervise, how are you being helpful?
I'm so disheartened that so many women experience this, including myself
Its more disheartening that I feel like I've make leaps of progress with my boyfriendfrom when we first started dating. But its been 5 years, and it's still baby steps. It just feels like learned helplessness at this point.
I organize but for the most part everything stays in the same location and every time he can’t find something it’s because I moved it, and not because he just doesn’t pay attention.
What gets me is how he also can't load the dishwasher effectively even though he empties it every day and SEES where things are supposed to go. (and also doesn't remember where things he has put away many times are supposed to go)
This is basically the same as all the HAHA I HATE MY WIFE AND MY MARRIAGE jokes from sitcoms for years. It's depressingly bad.
And the badly overused “wife who never wants sex” trope
Everybody Loves Raymond was pretty cringe for buttering this shit really thick. Why the hell was that couple even still together.
The ole why buy the cow if you can the milk for free (:
Yeah idk how they could possibly hate someone that does literally everything for them smh
@@kelseybrintnall2080 nothing kills a (straight) woman's sex drive more than the man being a child or needing to be parented. It breeds resentment and not attraction.
I grew up with a single mother and she was in a relationship with a useless boyfriend for years before she finally broke up with him. I remember her working 10 hour shifts as a nurse while he sat at home. He didn’t have a job either. He claimed he was “ working on his music “ saying he wanted to be a rapper. My brothers and I did all of the cooking and cleaning when my mom was at work and we even had to clean up after him. Not only that, my younger brother and I would babysit my baby brother as well. Even though my moms boyfriend didn’t do anything around the house, he still would boss us around like he was the head of the household. Also I have to open up about this because I was silenced for years. My mom’s boyfriend also m word me when my mom wasn’t around and told me not to tell anyone. He took advantage of the fact that my mom wasn’t home. I hated that man and what he did to me and how overworked my mom was because of HIM. I saw how MISERABLE my mother was and I vowed that not only I won’t be a single mother but I also won’t date a useless man who did nothing around the house and preys on children
I’m so sorry you went through this. What an ahole. You are breaking the cycle and that is amazing in and of itself. 🥰. Don’t be fooled by the marriage dream. I wish I had not.
I know it's been difficult, at times humiliating, but you're a million times the person that man was. I hope you've gotten all the help you need, and that your life, your siblings' lives, and your moms', are all better.
You should have told your mom. I hate women who let men be alone with their kids bc if this.
I'm do sorry that happened to you and I'm glad that you are out of that unsafe environment ❤
My father has essentially done nothing, no job, no chores, no parenting. I have always tried to convince my mom to get a divorce since the age of 10. So glad, it finally happened when I turned 18.
My best friend is also currently trying to break her parents up, because her father just pays half of the rent and does pretty much nothing else, basically living like a single manchild with temper issues.
I'm so glad people are starting to realize that sticking around "for the kids" is actually more detrimental in toxic situations like those
It's 2024 and people are now trying to break up their parents' relationships. What a world.
@@StoneAgeWarfare - No. People are standing up for the people they love.
@@ecclairmayo4153 There's nothing wrong with standing up for people but trying to get your parents to break up instead of couples counseling is relatively dumb. I could've broken up my parent's relationship at many points, but it's really up to them to act like adults and hash out the problem if they really want it fixed.
@@ecclairmayo4153 you are just perpetuating the yewish poison that is spread through videos like this and aiding their goal of destroying western society, and why you'll be forced to work until 70 in an unhappy life with no stability other than cats. but remember you chose to go along with it so dont complain (you still will).
I'm almost 65 and I've seen it all. Unequal domestic roles are difficult to get out of once established. To younger women I say, be careful to establish the relationship as equal partners early on, because it's very difficult to change the terms of the relationship later.
Let's be real. It's pretty much impossible to find a guy who won't be ignorant. It's better to not settle with any guy at all.
This is great advice. Sadly, my mother says that my father was attentive and loving for YEARS in their marriage before things starting falling apart and he thrust all the domestic and sometimes financial responsibilities to my mother. Sometimes they trick you down the line.
100%
a lot of times it happens after the first child
@@ferdaousselmoussaid8843 exactly
A related point that I read recently is that when both spouses in opposite-sex couples work from home, the husband gets the dedicated home office while the wife has to work in a shared space (the dining room, etc) where she can be interrupted at any time.
never thought of that, this is SO telling
She’s helping the kids with their schoolwork 🙄
Ooof this hit me hard. My husband has a craft room that doubles as his home office, and I’m sat in the dining room when I work from home and when I study (I’m in graduate school). I don’t begrudge him his space because his hobby requires a separate room and he’s had it since before the pandemic, but my God I do wish there was someplace else in my house I could work that’s not a main thoroughfare. I’ve taken to wearing massive over-ear headphones when I study just so people know not to bother me. I don’t even plug them in, they’re just for show so I can be left alone.
@@KHBogWitch this is so enraging--why does his hobby automatically demand more space and consideration that your studies or work? Just because he got it first?
+
I work as an x-ray tech at an adult&peds joint hospital. And I cannot tell you the number of times the dad won't know the DOBs of the kids and mom just rolls her eyes and says them.
☝️☝️Join channel on telégram
That is baffling to me--how little can you care about your own kids that you won't remember basic information about them? Where is this disconnect that doesn't allow these types of men to keep certain things about their kids in mind? I mean, don't you care? I'm just trying to figure out how you can raise a child and not learn a thing about them for months or years. How does that happen? And why? Does some idiot think it's "unmanly" to remember the day your kid was born and that trickled down? This just makes me sad to think about.
@@tallyp.7643 I am a grown adult, my parents are not living together and my father regularly forgets my birthday completely. Sometimes he calls me a few days before or after.
This man runs a rather huge business, so you should think he is able to use a calender effectively.
If that is your litmus test, you are out of your mind. I did not care about my own DOB until everyone started asking for it on every document.
@@tallyp.7643 Eh, I remember one of my kids birthdays because there was drama specifically because of the date. The other kid though I always have to think about for a minute and make a guess at. It's simply not critical information for the most part, sure it's used as a common identifier by businesses that I rarely interact with but that's about it. In my own family I remember my Mother's birthday but that's probably because I happen to know several people with the same birthday so it stands out. You can say just memorize it all you want, if there isn't any reason to recall it on a regular basis then it fades away like anything else, and once a year isn't really enough to keep that alive for me. Hell I can't remember how old I am, or how long I've been married, on the spur of the moment much of the time. Getting to the year we were married requires remembering a different significant date and then performing two math operations to get to the answer.
As an end of the gen Boomer woman (born 1963) I can't tell you how thrilledI am to see this! I grew up in a 'feminist' household with very non traditional hippie parents. I watched my mom in the women's movement wave of the 1970s (fully supported by my dad). Mom was a charter subscriber to Ms Magazine and to this day I go by MS. In the last few decades I have been appalled to see many of the rights younger women take for granted being eroded rather than being enlarged (looking at you Roe v Wade). So many years I kept thinking why in the hack are we still fighting this battle? These are similar conversations to those we had in the 70s and 80s, and there was a rise of no women can't have it all and women should stay in their God given Moral Majority enforced place. Women, encouraged by the religious and political right voted and acted against their own self interest. We Boomers never gave up this fight and are soooooooo thrilled that there is a younger generation ready and willing to pick up the baton. I was forced to wear dresses to school..... by the public school and told by a high school counselor that medicine was not a girls' profession. My mom had to get my dads permission to get borthcontrol pills! You and others like you are ensuring we never return to those days. Keep up the fight. You have millions of wily and battle scarred Boomers supporting you.
@P¡nned_by Trey Kennedy wrong channel, bot
Thank you, dear. We're ready to carry the baton, indeed.
I love reading comments like this. It shows not all boomers are traditionalists. My dad was also born in 1963 but I’m gen z and it’s extremely concerning how much of feminism is being wiped away in America in the modern day. I actually just finished writing an essay on comparing modern and past feminism but couldn’t add in the parts where I felt it was being reversed cause I ran out of words😢
In the UK abortions aren’t part of partisan politics it’s a basic right! The US is *extremely* backwards especially now! One of the highest homicide rates in the world majority committed by guns yet people defend them harder than their children’s lives. We haven’t had a school shooting since 1996 but people can still access guns if they need them it’s just significantly harder. It just doesn’t feel like a real country.
Sadly, Roe Vs Wade didn't remove any rights, it was passed from fed to state. Stop the lie there.
Serious question, what rights does a man have that a woman doesn't have today?
Another Boomer feminist here, but one who was not at all thrilled to watch this video. Gen X and Millenial women were lied to, told that they could have it all, so no need for feminism. Then all the young women who thought feminism was irrelevant or a liability (i.e. harder to get a man) started families and found out that having it all meant doing it all. Overworked mothers: start listening to each other. Then start organizing. Crushing workloads and deadbeat husbands are not your fault or your obligation to solve. They're the result of anti-women, anti-children politics. Forcing changes in social policies are the only way to get out from under. Politics is the answer!
people also forget about the impact this has on the kids too. i grew up in a house with this dynamic. mom never divorced my dad despite the toxicity, trust issues, and arguments... it still impacts me YEARS after I moved out. i struggle in relationships because i truly fear ending up in a similar situation. honestly, i would rather just be alone.
Same here. My parents are married for almost 30 years now. Anyone would think bcoz they aren't divorced everything is fine but the truth is their relationship is broken from within creating negative impact on them and me too
i’m so glad i’m not the only one who has a family situation like this. everything looks fine from the outside and people assume my family must be ok but honestly, all of us are very sad in this family, including me who is struggling with depression now. it makes me feel so frustrated because it really hurts but when you explain it to people they don’t understand because they can’t see how it affects you mentally. my view on relationships is totally messed up because of what i’ve observed from my parents and like you said, i don’t even know if i ever want to be in a relationship for fear of going through what my parents did. it’s a really sad thing to go through.
same. especially since my mum is an immigrant so she has very little power financially and socially, and she truly can’t support herself if she left my dad unless i support her. i can barely financially support myself now as i’m struggling mentally but we’re just stuck in this limbo where no one is happy.
Same here- my parents have been together forever, and sometimes I wish they had just gotten a divorce. They’re just not compatible, I remember so much of my childhood where they fought over silly shit (especially things my dad would do without understanding how it would effect my mom and the rest of us). I think they honestly just stayed together for me and my older sisters to have a two parent household but even as an adult now I struggle with relationships and don’t really trust men. I hate it.
I used to feel bad for my stepfather for my mother's outbursts... until I got tired of stepping up as another parent/mother/maid when she wasn't around kr had her hands too full :d
I learned of research that the happiest groups are single childfree/less women and among men, the happiest are married men. Men get the benefits and women get the drawbacks of marriage. I never looked at the institution the same way. Why sign up to have an albatross around my neck for the same companionship a pet can provide?
@@devon6039 I don't know who tf Dolan is. Sorry they pissed in your cheerios. Marriage is a bad deal for women and more of them are waking up to this reality. Die mad about it, incel.
There’s incels working overtime to dismantle this. The same guys who say attractive and healthy minded men don’t commit and that they only commit to women at certain ages are making it their full time job to pop in anywhere to mention how lesbians are unhappy and beat each other up. They never refute the fact that men are the ones overwhelmingly happy in those arrangements they just latch on to any flaws to fight the reality. Pathetic.
@@rayzee0285 She looked up the statistics. This is what the statistics said, this is what the comments confirmed. This is what I have experienced in my life as well. And we have not even brought domestic and s...al vi0lence into the discussion both are primarily committed by men.
@@rayzee0285 what does the statistics say?
Good for you. Marriage is the dumbest thing a person can do these days.
That's one of the main reasons why I choose to stay single. I have projects that I care about very much, and every time I got a boyfriend those projects got stalled completely, plus my health suffered from the exhaustion. Attempting to talk it out with the boyfriends led to weaponized incompetence, stonewalling or abuse from them.
❤❤I'm glad you are able to see this early on without having to deal with it AFTER you have had kids with one of these guys and then you never get to fulfill your passion projects
@@ecclairmayo4153Yes, I'm lucky, but mostly for having seen many, many women who weren't as lucky, and what happened to them. It's unbearable to think of the talent that was lost over generations, because it happened to be in women.
This happened to me twice. I finally decided to just stay single. My stress level dropped and my finances eventually improved. Now at 57, I have the best life I've ever had. I don't hate men, I just hate being anywhere near them.
I don't think you hate men. You just don't want to be used as a crutch or a live-in maid, which is to be expected, really.
Too bad you picked the wrong ones - twice. Ever thought of adjusting your criteria. I am asking because I am a man that got the wrong end of the stick and I know it is because I made the wrong assumptions and the wrong choices. I don't hate being near women at all. I just know that it will take a careful search and cutting the cord once I see signs of bad faith. Speaking as a 60 year old that is catching his breath after nearly 20 years of marriage to an emotionally incompatible woman, and breaking loose.
@@toneyeyeBorn in 1962, female in the same boat. I had several long-term relationships in my 20s and '30s, and although I loved the men, I could see they weren't the caliber I wanted for husband. I don't care about looks or money, it's character traits that matter. Integrity, trustworthiness, work ethic, sense of humor. So I waited until I was 40 and I finally found that man. We've been married for 21 years. Halfway through, he completely changed. Started drinking, completely neglected work for about 8 years. Now that he's two years sober, he believes in flat earth, something called tartaria that has to do with the world being shaped by mudslides or some other inane blather, and a few months ago I discovered he's been having affairs. Next week I serve him divorce papers. I'm not sure I ever want another relationship... But it's too soon to decide. I'm interested in taking care of myself and focusing on my retirement. I wish you luck in your journey to find love again.
Hey, I wish you the best of luck. But I'm done, I'm just not up for it anymore.@@toneyeye
Same! I love women but avoid them completely.
This right here is the reason I am in my 30s and still scared to get married. The idea of taking care of another grown human being and a household along with a full time job scares the ish out of me! And whenever I talk about this with my married female friends and say if I ever get married I will have these conversations beforehand, I always get replies along the lines of “It won’t matter after getting married. The man won’t do anything no matter how many times you ask. It’s better you don’t get married.” I find this so sad and discouraging.
True tho
Searching for decent men is like searching for rare ass pokemons lol
@An Ethical Perspective as an indian, i can confirm you are 100% right. Honestly i have observed many marriages and couples in my life and only recently did i see a genuinely healthy relationship. It was between my sister and her bf. Both works in IT field and both are in their 30s. I would say modern indians are kind of reformed but still vast majority of India is what you described in your comment.
@@sista363 How long have the been together ?
@@ibabechanel they dated for 8 years and they are getting married in January
This is exactly why I've chosen to raise my 3 kids alone. When people tell me i should get a man to "help." I just laugh and say, "I need a wife then, not a husband." My married friends always nod their heads to that like you have no idea. It's a lot of work sure, but it's the same amount as before and I get to have peace and no more daily anger & frustration at the man baby in the house not pulling his weight.
Stealing this joke for sure, clever! 🤣
I remember during my final sessions of couples therapy when our therapist asked me if I was prepared to take on the workload and anxieties of the housework all by myself after my ex moved out. Who would’ve figured doing it by myself instead of nagging, whining, and tracking a useless child was so much easier.
My husband and I used to joke that "we" needed a wife! Then for a few years we had au pairs, and it was a dream come true. We're past that stage (too expensive now that the kids are older) and we still miss having that help so very much.
I know several women that could not bare the weight of their toddler husbands, anymore and divorced them. I have realized this trait in sooo many men. It is scary.
this is why the lesbians have the right idea
When I was a cashier, I had an older woman complaining about how the dad is at home while her daughter works. I asked her if her daughter was happy with the situation. I asked if they were struggling with money. I asked if the kids were being cared for properly. I then pointed out that if we want the women to be able to work, then the dad being home with the kids is what needs to happen. She left with a thoughtful look on her face.
I am the "home manager" in my house, the planner and organizer and administrator. Difference is we had an actual honest and open discussion about the roles we would have in our marriage before getting married. My husbands brain doesn't lend itself to planning, his autism prohibits a lot of problem solving. I have physical health issues and am a bit of a control freak. So we sat down and decided: I'll be the brain, he'll be the brawn. For every hour I spend budgeting or setting up appointments, he'll be doing laundry or cleaning. We both chafe at our roles sometimes, but I think that's normal. Every now and then we'll have discussions to evaluate how much strain we're under. We feel our tasks are equally divided if the strain is felt equally, even though it might not be an exact 50/50 split hour-wise. At the end of the day, the house is running smoothly and we both feel respected and appreciated, and that's the most important thing.
I’m the woman with Autism and ADHD, and husband is neurotypical. It’s a total nightmare. We end up spending so much money on cleaning and maintenance services.
You did something a lot of people here never thought to do - talk like adults and make the rules together! Brava!
The problem with the Useless Husband is the Mother enabler that raised her male child to be useless! My spouse did not know how to clean or cook, or do anything because mommy dearest did everything for him. If I wasn't around, she would probably come over everyday and cook and clean for him. The problem starts with parents not teaching both their male and female children how to become self-sufficient adults.
Preaaaach!
yep, men don't just magically become this way, they are taught to be lazy and helpless by their mommy. My dad was raised to be like this and he's so lazy that he can't even keep a job more than a few months. I feel terrible for my mom because she was married to him for almost 10 years.
Well, there are usually two parents.
I find it unfair to pin everyting on the mothers who are also under a lifetime societal pressure. Why do we excuse men not transcending their upbringing by blaming their mothers to not transcend THEIR upbringing?
100%
That’s true, although I think fathers are also to blame. If boys don’t see their fathers doing house chores while the mother does everything, they will expect the same from their wives in the future
I love my boyfriend and he's a great guy - I don't want to dismiss his actions. But my coworkers celebrate some of the most basic stuff that he does. One time I locked my keys in my office so I called my boyfriend to pick me up from work at the end of the day (my office mate would let me in the next morning). My coworkers couldn't believe I called him and asked, "He's not mad at you?". I said "No? We live 20 mins away. He'll jist pick me up after his work." And they said "Wow that's so nice of him." Or one time we had a potluck and I told them he helped make my cheese dip by stirring the ingredients when I got tired and they said "Wow! He's such a nice guy!" Like... yes he's a good guy and he makes an effort to split household chores. But I'm concerned about these womens' boyfriends if they're stunned my boyfriend wasn't angry that I asked for a ride ONCE.
The bar is sooo low!
Yeah I am VERY concerned about how these women's partners treat them then
@@Kay-kg6ny
Say it louder for the people in the back.
SAME!! One time I was out on a job and my mom and her bff dropped by for something. My husband was home and let them in and they were incredulous when as he welcomed them in that he informed them I wasn’t home, and he was just cleaning so was gonna lower the cleaning music he had blasted and that he was smiling. My mom was recalling this story as someone would if they encountered a unicorn who could talk. I was listening and when she trailed off I was like “oh was that the end of the story?” and she was even more taken aback by my non-reaction to the story. She admonished me and told me how lucky I was that he would do something so incredible and with joy, and how most husbands aren’t like that. I was like “okay, but he also lives here and that’s what a partnership is. I am ofc grateful he’s a good partner but I also wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t. I was working that day, he had the day off, and the house needed cleaning.” She couldn’t believe what I was saying and dismissed it as me not recognizing what I had. 🥴
I've experienced similar situations with my husband. He's shocked any time someone says something about him being so amazing for doing or helping me with things that he views as what should be completely normal in a healthy relationship.
Getting a "thank you for doing the dishes", irritates me or "thank you for all you do", because I'm not choosing to do these things, it's that I know my husband will never do them so I'm forced to and I don't want to have to ask constantly or fight about it. Getting a thank you doesn't make everything kosher.
This is my problem. I will wait for this man to do chores HE elected to do himself because he claims he doesn’t want me to feel stressed out. Eventually, the laundry will never get done, the trash will fill up to the brim, so I’m forced to do those chores among others. And while I’m doing them, he just watches. He’ll ask if I wanted help doing HIS chores; No, I’m already doing it, and it’s only a single person job. And after I’ve cleaned everything, done all the things I was told I DIDNT have to do because of STRESS, I get a pathetic “Thank you, I’m proud of you for doing all that.”
So glad I am not the only one that feels like thanks means nothing when I am not CHOOSING to do these things. I felt like an asshole because I was taught that people showing gratitude is a good thing in all cases. Thank you for this comment.
@@ladyaridette9661 don’t do it…?
@@ladyaridette9661It's okay not to be a pushover
Ask him with stone-faced seriousness for $ to cover your time spent and maybe he'll get the idea in his head
Even worse is when they expect a thank you for doing something they are supposed to do
This is crazy. My husband, thank God, is nothing like this. He always helps with dishes, vacuuming, and helps our guests when they visit. Am I better with our children and cook better yes. But he isn't helpless. I'm so sorry women have to deal with this.
I don't want to be nitpicky but he doesn't "help". He's doing his part. I know you didn't mean it that way, but I think vocabulary is very important. Just like a father isn't "babysitting" when he takes care of his own children, he doesn't "help" you clean - that would imply it's your responsibility. He lives there, it's his responsibility too.
What does "I'm better with the children" even mean
Even my husband has noted how at family get togethers his male relatives just sit around watching sports and basically ignoring the kids and women, while the women do all the holiday work of cooking, cleaning, feeding and caring for the children, organizing the event, actually socializing, etc.
Bumps on a log.
Major cringe UGH
Wow. Betty Freidan referred to this same behavior in "The Feminine Mystique"...how many years ago?
That is one of the reasons I don't go to family events. I have no interest in cooking all day, or playing with children or watching sports. The world cup is coming up (it is a big deal over here), I plan on spending my time managing the terror fireworks cause on my dog and watching series on TV.
@@antiantipoda good for you! (And sorry for your poor dog having to suffer through fireworks)
My husband does A LOT and it’s amazing, but what kills me is that a man doing his share gets sooooo much more praise for it 🙃💀
My husband does the washing, people treat him like he’s a king, it’s pathetic.
Do you do cut the grass, clean the gutters, shovel the snow, stain the deck etc etc etc or pay for those tasks to be done? If not then your man has gone above and beyond by doing one load of wash.
@@misterm5325 Have you even watched a minute of this video? She gives evidence of research that women statistically do more housework.
@@misterm5325 You act as if everyone lives in the north with a private house. Also manual labour once a month is nothing. Mowing the lawn doesn't even provide any worth and just wastes money and is actually so simple a child can do it.
@@misterm5325 Problem: Most men don't even do THAT much. They hire someone to do it and pat themselves on the back for doing 'the research,' or the wife has to do it.
The most men will do is mow the grass, and ONLY doing that is a pathetic contribution to the household. Anyone can mow grass. I've seen ten year olds mow grass.
My husband was raised in a household where his mom worked and his dad stayed home with the kids. My husband changes diapers, cleans up after himself, takes out trash, and does laundry, etc. I do not ask him to do this, he just does it because it needs to be done. My ex husband treated me like property, and I did everything without any help. So my husband being so helpful and us working as a team makes me appreciate him and the values with which he was raised. It truly starts with how we are raising our children.
He sounds amazing!
What do we expect from a fatherless generation raised by women teachers? Which positive male role models they would have?
I never understood these men. I was raised working class. I'm proud working class. My parents both worked, and both did equal amounts around the house. The moment I could do things for myself, I was taught how to cook, do laundry, clean after myself. That's because my parents didn't have the time to always be there to do it for me. I was also lucky to have my grandparents taking care of me. My grandad taught me how to garden. My Nan taught me how to sew, and bake.
In that environment, there was no such thing as male or female work. Just stuff that needed doing.
My partner and I share the load. We both have our strengths and weaknesses, and we compensate for that.
I don't understand other men who think they're princes who need the world to take care of their needs alone. I couldn't imagine wanting a partner solely for their potential as help.
I know this is a very late reply but same. As a guy, these men aren't raised as . I can tell they didn't have to cook for any younger siblings or help clean around the house on Sundays. I vividly remember my dad giving me a lecture one time for leaving a cup in a clean sink with the other dishes, utensils and cups stacked away on the drying rack.
My girlfriend's friends say "You're so lucky to have a guy like him" like damn...the bar is That low. Cleaning up after yourself and helping in the household when you are a guy = you being considered a gem of a guy in society
Been married, love my children. When I had my first child, my life was no longer my own for the next 32 years. For 32 years, my time belonged to my children, my income belonged to my children, and when there was a man in the picture, he was pretty useless. Would not even offer moral support. I do remember when he did the dishes for example, once every 2 weeks or so, I was expected to notice, thank him profusely, announce it to our friends and family, and possibly reward him later in bed. He was also doing me a favour when he looked after our children while I was busy doing other chores. I always hoped that my generation was the last to suffer this nonsense. I guess not. Happily single now: My time is mine, my income is mine and I don't have to reward anyone for doing occasionally what I do all the time to maintain the household.
So sorry you had to suffer so much. I hope you are happy now
I hate when I have to ask my husband, "can you *help* me clean?" As if it wasn't both of our responsibility and he has to "help me" do "my" work. It's both of our work! You are doing *your* work, not helping me do mine! But if I don't ask nicely, I might end up doing all of it myself like usual.
OMG yes!!! Gonna 'yes and" this topic
And men who don't want kids at all are accepted, but a woman who doesn't want kids is villainized and called 'not a real woman". People really still believe that women are *supposed* to sacrifice everything (including health) because it is 'natural' for us to do so. There's nothing natural about doing all the housekeeping, the parenting, AND working 40 hours a week outside the home. No wonder moms are cracking & self-medicating under the pressure.
OMG yes. My husband's parents have been asking when we are going to have kids and it's like ??? are y'all gonna raise and pay for them lmao. Thankfully his sister recently had a child so they haven't asked him, I told him that when his parents ask him again that he should call his sister and tell her to get knocked up again. 😂 (Joking....kind of.)
Yeah, the idea that you have to sacrifice yourself because it's so noble and good. Like, okay. Then why aren't men held to the same standard?
Not to mention we pretty up the idea of pregnancy and childbirth when if you really think about it it’s more like bodyhorror than a miracle of life. If someone expects you to risk your health and well being during and after that and isn’t willing to be an equal parent why even have a child with that person
"There's nothing natural about doing all the housekeeping, the parenting, AND working 40 hours a week outside the home." Let me fix that for you. "There's nothing natural about working 40 hours a week outside the home." The natural division of labor is Man provider and protector/Women runs household stays at home to manage it smoothly. There's your work-life balance, people. This crap we're doing now is for the Corporate/Government overlords. Not for Men or Women or Kids.
@@RipMinnerThat was always middle and upper class luxury only. Throughout history most women had to work outside the home, the working and lower classes couldn't afford not to: in the fields, gathering food and firewood, as do-all servants for the wealthy, in the factories, making fiddly, tedious things like chainmail, aking and selling clith and clothes, as laundresses (which was hard, hard work before machines that took a whole week), preparing and selling at market produce the family grew or caught, work in merchant stores, and so much more. Hell, women were preferred workers because they "deserved" less pay than men doing the exact same thing. This was notorious in factory work.
Housework until the 1900's was also extremely labor-intensive. Washing clothes was an entire ordeal and women had a lot of muscle to do it. Still not as physically strong as men, biology restricts that, bust not weaklings either.
Etiquette on "how to treat a lady" didn't even apply to anyone below the middle class. Idle wives because both male and female servants did all the work for her was always a sign of wealth.
Thr 1950's middle class nuclear family housewife ideal was a very brief thing, families couldn't or didn't want to get by on one income and women didn't want to be cooped up
On of my coworkers (24 f) just had a baby and she was baffled at the reaction of all the women in her family when she decided to go back to work earlier than planned. Every one of them was like, ''what about the baby??'' and she would answer ''...he has a dad?'' and the relatives would reply stuff like ''and who will help HIM??''. It is a complete mind boggle for these women to comprehend the notion that a father could even be capable of proper parenting. Thankfully times are changing, and men who don't pull their weight on house chores and raising the kids are getting dropped left and right in our area. There has been a tsunami of separations these past few years, and its always the women initiating them.
I've seen weaponized incompetence from men become the main cause for more than one divorce.
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I am glad my parents broke this cycle with my brother and me. They did not want us dependent on women for household skills, so they taught us to cook, clean, and do our own laundry.
You have wonderful parents!❤
I used to date a giant baby for 4 years - dude was 26 and couldn't even handle buying his own clothes, because his momma did it for him. but hooo boy was he sensitive about any sort of feedback or even slight criticism; he would inflate like a giant red balloon and bark out his famous "that's how you wanted me, that's how you got me". The only thing I regret is not ditching him sooner, would've saved me months of absolute misery. 2 years into therapy I'm like, if I want a baby I'm gonna make myself one, no need to have a second, adult baby to take care of.
Pretty sure we dated the same person
26 year old didn't buy his clothes? 😳
@@swatisaini6447 A friend of mine told me his wife took care of that, too. You'd be surprised how little some guys know about these things.
And don't even try to find out how many guys wearing suits actually tie their tie themselves...
Stay childfree and enjoy your life.
That says more about you than him. If you qualified for anything better you would have had it.
It's also not surprising that less and less women want children, when you already have your husband as a kid.
AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS a lot of men expect the women to pay 50-50 🙄
I'm 46, childless, and single, and even though in many ways I'm jealous of women with families I definitely recognize that I am not in a *worse* position.
May I ask what is that makes you jealous? I'm 26, married and childfree. Can't imagine having the burden of running a household alongside an incompetent partner.
The grass is NOT greener over there.
21 and not planning to have kids. I don't envy anyone who has to deal with all that lol
57, childless, divorced... almost every day I hear someone say something about their life that makes me grateful to be where I am. Husbands who are cold, children who turn out badly, grandchildren who just want your money... no thanks. Most married women I know spend an inordinate amount of time complaining about their lives.
@@einahsirro1488 Yup most married women I know also complain about their lives incessantly :P
Men vastly overestimating their contribution to the household….I’m shocked…said no one ever 😂
@@devon6039 because women are often underpaid; income discrepancies aside, do you think being a higher earner means you are above vacuuming?
@@devon6039 and also because they are held back by all the extra unpaid labour
@@devon6039 I wonder why…must be all that unpaid female labour 🤔
@@devon6039 Why do i feel like we’re dealing with a suburban republican white guy? Good god the naïveté.
@@devon6039 its hard maintaing a callenging career while also manageing a household, let alone for a couple or even a family. Its so much easier if you are allowed to concentrate your energy on your career. This is true for both genders. In the top mamagent of corporations you will find countless men with housewives, caring for all their domestic needs, while the few women often manage their private lives and family on top, despite spouses. Those women are hardworking beasts, but their attention is divided and they are not realizing their full potential.
But everyone sees the example from their own life and bubble, so you might have different people around you than me.
This kind of expectation for women to do everything and men to do nothing, or be celebrated if they do even the most basic thing is also changing the dating pool. I ended the relationship with my "man child" because I also didn't understand why I needed to have him when I was doing everything myself, and he was also not mentally or emotionally available for me. After a time, I started dating and found the same or worst traits in single men that were dating. This trend has gotten so bad there is a clear subset of heterosexual women that are no longer dating because they are not interested in "raising someone else's child". And the opposite of that is that increase in single and lonely men. Because regardless of any feedback that women give them then notion that they should work on being whole, complete, and autonomous individuals is not supported by the society that we live in.
And this is why I ended up crying one day while telling my ex-husband that I was jealous he only had to work for 8 hours a day, and had days off.
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This has been normalized since at least the late nineties. I remember being shocked at how suddenly every dad and husband in sitcoms and other TV shows was a useless boob, and I don't think we've ever gone back on that trend.
Glad to know I’m in good company 🎯. I noticed the same thing as well.
I’m Gen X and everything in this video and on those sitcoms happened in the 70’s as well. None of this is new unfortunately.
Yup, all this is spot on. My mother continues to handle my childish father's emotions to this day. We have had a dishwasher and laundry machine for the past 20 years and he STILL doesn't know how to use them. Refuses to learn and when I take my mother out somewhere for a weekend, which he rarely does, he complains she is not there to do things for him. I will die before I let any man do this to me. A couple boyfriends tried it, and I cut that shit off IMMEDIATELY. Literally the next day I said get your shit together this week or your gone. They did not so they were gone. I want a MAN not a CHILD that needs to be catered to. Fuck all the way off with that.
💯💯💯
My step father to a freakin T.
My parents own a dirtworks company (excavating/dump trucks/lateral lines/septic systems….) My mother handled all the bids and establishment. My step father won’t pick up the phone and make new contacts, he’ll only get in good with those that made great deals with my mother. They’d both drive dump trucks and run equipment all day (4am-7pm.)
I was expected to have their house clean and have dinner cooking when they got home. Theyd shower and step father was off the clock. My mother would sit down and then all of a sudden his cup with ice clinking would go up in the air along with a list of “Did you call…. Did you submit…. Did you wash our clothes….”
She’d plate his food and refill his cup again and then off to the office to do paperwork.
She’d get yelled at for falling asleep in her office.
And on top of working side by side all day… she had to entertain him at night.
He didnt respect her then and still doesn’t today. She said divorce is too complicated because of assets, debt, and company ownership. So now they cheat on each other SECRETLY.
Brutal.
What a horrible way for him to treat your mother! Like she is a free maid service or something. I'm so glad you see this and did not think this was normal or right
This is my father
@@seadragon1456she would be 100xbetter off without him and without the assests... he would ran the company bankrupt anyway within a year
Most men don't even care to know important things like the names of their children's pediatricians, they don't care to know things "the mother should know" at my work, I see it everyday, these men complain about how long it's take the mother to give birth, as if a woman's and child's life isn't in the balance every time she's giving birth, "oh, im so sorry it's taking her such a lot time in her pain and anguish and not speeding the process along quickly for your needs" the second i heard about the "husband stitch" I decided, yeah, I'm never having children, I never want to be married, I don't even want to live with a man. Sadly, I've even had some of them trying to hit on me while their wives are in rooms waiting to give birth, I don't think there's a group of ppl more disloyal, dishonorable and slimy on this planet
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You: ❤❤
Them: 🤢🤮
My kids are all grown and out on their own now, but I still remember my husband who had previously been good about doing his share of the household tasks developing “domestic amnesia” as soon as we brought our daughter home from the hospital. I disabused him of this condition as soon as I recovered from sleep deprivation from the imbalance in who was taking care of her in the middle of the night when her days and nights were mixed up. I reminded him that I was up all night and knew where we kept the knives. Now this was almost 50 years ago, and I am so sad that things are not better after all this time. Please note that after that initial bobble, my husband has been stellar in doing his share….maybe the threat about the knives helped
There's a reason that unmarried, child-free women are the happiest demographic and have the longest lifespans. There is so much pressure on women to get married and have kids, but it begs the question - who does that benefit? Certainly not us... it's the men who are benefiting.
Absolutely. I’m divorced, got out before kids could come into the picture, and I’m the happiest and most stress-free I’ve ever been. I’m 💯 convinced that marriage only benefits men.
I agree but imo it's so clear that many men are not actually interested in parenting so I don't even know if kids benefit them. Marriage 100% benefits them though.
True. Married men live longer and more fulfilled lives than married women do lmao
Go lesbian ❤
@@devon6039 LOL
People also ask my husband if he's baby sitting or watching our six kids when I'm not there. He finds this VERY offensive... He's an involved and loving parent, why assume that he isn't? He always tries to kindly correct them. "I'm just here parenting my kids." Also, he gets really mad that when he takes the kids out, everyone tells him that he's amazing, but when I take the kids out, I get frequently asked if I know about birth control...
Dear strangers, if you're not saying "you have a beautiful family," don't say anything...AT ALL! To ANY family! Ever!
People actually say this? To your FACE? Can't believe how rude people can be.
And the irony is that if it came up in convos that you had NO kids, you'd get criticized and questioned for that too. People are invasive and rude if you have kids, and invasive and rude if you don't -- bc you're a woman and that means they feel weirdly invested in dictating how you should live your life.
it does sound like you have a beautiful family :)
@@darlajones1326 I'm not the OP, but I'm the oldest of 5 and one of my neighbours told me that my Mom "should have closed her legs" when I was 13. I'm still angry about that.
I kinda get “are you watching the kids” because I would say the same to my girl friend with children. Basically what I’m asking is “are you free?” When I say that. Asking if you are babysitting is offensive.
As a Gen X working mom, I have been complaining about this for 30 years. I am so glad somebody is talking about it now. It is not surprising that so many divorces occur, because when you have to take care of your children AND your husband, divorce is a relief.
Its the other way around, it started from the destruction of the family and male spaces
What do you expect from a fatherless generation raised by women teachers? Which positive male role models they would have?
Shut u@@reuvenpolonskiy2544
I feel like there is also another part of this problem. Because the men who enjoy the benefits of marriage without doing something for it are one thing, but the women who refuse to let them do anything are another.
I saw several couples like that growing up and this image is pretty hard to let go now that I am married myself. The women were constantly underestimating their husbands' abilities and didn't want them to do any chores like cleaning, laundry or cooking, because „they would do it wrong“. But they would just do it in a slightly different way and that's okay. Some men are willing to help, but they can't when their women don't want to let go of their expectations. And idea of a „useless husband“ is so common that it further creates this imbalance.
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Definitely true.
"As long as it gets done and doesn't have to be re-done by someone else" should be the thing. Unless you've got a hubby who will mix up the cleansers in the toilet and accidentally create mustard gas because they wanted to "get it done better", no, let hubby help. Give a bit of guidance on some things (like maybe some surface can't use an abrasive scrubber so you use a dishrag instead so you don't ruin the finish), but otherwise let 'em do it. Might be different, but if it's done and clean, then let it be. Hell, sometimes they do find a more time-saving way to get something done that's beneficial for both of you.
I think this really speaks to why so many people of child-bearing age are making the decision not to have children. Literally, ain't nobody got time for that if you also have to work and want to have some kind of quality of life and occasional downtime to yourself.
I think that's a good news i wish there are more of us because world just reached 8 billion population and that's honestly terrifying. Less resources available with more and more increasing no.s of consumers. Some people should volunteer to not have kids lol. Especially women are better off childless
Yeah, it sucks because I want kids and it feels so normal to want a family, but our society is not set up to make that successful. We aren’t meant to do it by ourselves as women or even as couples, but we don’t have communities that support us in most cases.
As a man who has been a single father, it is really frustrating to see a lot of men do this. I have had to do everything for my child and myself. Once I found my partner, I still find it hard to hand things off, for several reasons. My partner is wonderful and is very supportive. We often talk about work-load distributions. I have found my former male friends complain about how exhausted they are when they raise children and essentially what they are doing is what has been described in this video.
The reality is that there is a sickness when we raise our boys. Honestly, one of my thoughts on this matter is that we do not teach boys to be in touch with their emotions and to always stuff them. I think this is a pretty core skill that seems to have a lot of things hinge on it. Obviously there is a lot more than this, but oh my god how awful it is to watch a man break down in front of his wife because he is exhausted, yet cannot reciprocate this when she is exhausted because again lack of skills.
Anywho, generational healing is hard for everyone. I step at a time I suppose.
Great comment!
Keep being an excellent dad! 👌
Yup, generational healing is a process. We have to keep working at it :)
Good dad 🎉
Absolutely! And this is also a great example how patriachal society structrse harm men. In a patriachal society men are raised to never cry and don't have emotions, because they beed to be "strong", and that harms them in the future!
During my first marriage I took care of the house, kids, chauffeured the kids,did his office work to his business, took care of an aging parent and worked 40 hours a week. Hubby felt his job was to point out a cob web I may have missed. He also thought I was lazy when he wanted me not only to make to make bread from scratch daily but wanted me to grow my own wheat also. We divorced and our kids have gone no-contact for the last 23 years. His last known address is a parking lot across from his favorite bar in a used RV. He can finally be king of his "castle" after 4 failed marriages.
Growing up as a male, no one ever asked me to babysit. Babysitting was for girls. Even my wife didn't like the idea of hiring a male babysitter. Yet, if male teens don't babysit, how are they going to condition themselves for child care? Caring for children is a real skill. It's not automatic. Maybe we need classes for men to learn this?
Regardless, we raise women to do domestic labor and not assert their needs. That part needs to change if we want the next generation to do better.
Also, the workforce in America (a male dominant environment) attitudes towards domestic needs are unreasonable. Employers don't expect employees to prioritize any domestic needs over work. Doing that will cost you raises, promotions, and possibly your job. I've once had a manager refer to my children as a "personal problem." This was during a performance review discussing the fact that the employees I was being compared with, were childless, and could afford to stay late at work.
Men absolutely need to step up, but there are many barriers that must also be addressed.
We all know why male teens aren't asked to babysit and why parents aren't comfortable hiring them to watch their children unattended.
Many women have zero experience with children before having their own kids, and yet they're able to figure it out.
Contrary to what society claims, women, in general, take more of a leadership role in relationships. They learn new tasks, they go to therapy and work on themselves, they take initiative. Men in general tend to be passive in relationships and if they don't already know how to do something, they typically don't take it up on themselves to learn how.
I doubt teaching teenage boys babysitting skills will do much to change things. What boys and young men need to be taught is how to take on leadership roles, how to take initiative, how to contribute to the emotional labor in relationships. And women need to be taught to not enable immature men and they need to stop using their sons to fill the void left by their incompetent husbands, there by stopping the cycle of raising their sons to be the next wave of man-babies for women to have to raise then divorce when it becomes intolerable.
I'm a women, and never had to babysit. luckily tho I do have nephews and nieces, and did see how my siblings and their partners took care of their children, so I learned by watching. And so If I ever had a child, I'll ask other parents how to do things if I don't know and learn fast and I 100% expect my partner to do the same.
Our neighbors son used to babysit us in the 80s but he was very mature. I remember he was in high school and he wore sweaters with the collard shirts underneath. Lol
Now add growing up in an immigrant household where often daughters are expected to help out at home early because the moms are overwhelmed. At one point I took to working a third shift job just to have my mom leave me alone as I was losing my mind at the anger of my brothers and stepdad being unable or downright refusing to translate, fill out documents or helping her out at home. My mom also took on being mother to her entire brood, all of my 8 aunts and uncles and their lovers and kids. Living to help all of them and their problems NEVER ended. As soon as we arrived in the states and she saw that I learned to read and write English made me the secretary. She tried to disuade me from college took keep me around to help her. Oh and I once had an anxiety/panic attack/mini stroke in the car on a way to an appointment whilst also having finals in HS because of the work helping her run the house and reminding her for appointments. She ended up yelling at me and lashing out the anger she had at the guys in the house in me while also using me as her GPS navigator. I was getting screamed at and she refusing to look at signs relying on my directions and also having to pay attention to her venting. When she saw I was overwhelmed yelled at me so much I forgot to breathe and broke into a sweat when I blacked out. I was 17. I ended up hospitalized that week and my arm freezing stiff for a week. The state also wanted to take me away as I was burnt out. My mom kept saying this is normal I’m her culture (we’re Hispanics). She sees being unable to handle this shit or refusing to as failure to be a woman. Now I’m 30 and honestly I don’t want to do anything with men outside of their dicks. One most guys seem hellbent on keeping it traditional and it pisses me off. Unfortunately I attract guys who think I’m traditional because of what I look like and my culture and they see it as “misandrist” or being too westernized the fact that I don’t tolerate anyone being an irresponsible person. Too many are dumb and are hardheaded. Also my mom, aunts, neighbors and family made me sick of it before I even tried on my own. I don’t want to deal with it. I’m exhausted. I don’t even want to date anymore. I hate all the rules and having to maneuver as guys will use anything to continue fooling around and not commit but want women to be open to use up our bodies. I also ended up not trusting men due to so many married guys or guys in relationships trying to get with me. Or supposedly trying to be my friend but end up asking me out.
I’m noticing there’s a growing movement in women in their mid 20s to early 30s to just not date. The celibacy movement is getting huge and women are getting happier for it while men are panicking about it online. They hate it. And they refuse to improve things to fix it. Any critique about asking them to be better people gets fixated on it being misandry. Imagine using your sex as a copt out for refusing to be a better human/person. It’s like they can’t flipping use their braincells for a moment. I’m also seeing many high earning men complaining about their wives not making them feel valued or feeling emasculated because their wives are calling them out to do shit. I know so many who are pondering on cheating on their partners to supposedly feel more men but don’t want to lose the lifestyles they have with rich women. Honestly the internet has made me only be disgusted at men. Oh yeah it’s misandry when half the sex outright chooses to not be or do what is generally healthy for us as a species. To be male is to be defective apparently. Why would I be proud to admit that? Right now I could afford to get pregnant without one and that’s comforting to me. If I’m going to struggle with having one anyways I will just do it alone and only use them when I want tail. I’ll be doomed anyways. They don’t want to date single moms. But they want us to raise them into what should be a capable human and then when we call them out on it it’s “misandrist”.
I always think back to Jan in the Office, ik someone gushing about The Office on the internet, whats new. The show framed her having a child on her own as weird, and left field for her to throw herself into caring for a child on her own. She laid it on thick with her kid witht he singing which was a punchline all the time ugh, but nothing that she said or did was problematic once she had her kid. The child was wanted and she took care of her end of story.
What you say about daughters getting the brunt of their mother's overwhelm is so true! In that mindset, the daughter is the only "safe" target in the house. Either they don't even try to hold their husband/sons accountable, or they do try and the men just don't care. It creates this enormous well of burnout and resentment, and the only person in the household with even less authority then themselves gets to bear the logistical and emotional burden. It's sad because I can see exactly where it comes from, but that doesn't make it okay.
@@Anna-yy9so YES. I feel this is so true for African, Latina, Asian, and even White daughters (especially in the U.S. South): being a daughter, especially an eldest daughter, can be a one-way ticket to being the family's free maid and therapist for the rest of your life if you're not able to tear yourself out.
@@Kay-kg6ny I’m currently taking therapy as my mom ended up making me lost in my place in the world. It made me hate men, it made me hate the concept of relationships or having children. It made me not even want to keep my own place for years due to genuinely being physically and mentally exhausted. I was maid, human punching bag, confessional, etc to my mom and it made me hate it. I get it but there was a better way to do it. Mind it happened with my being the only girl and the youngest so procession might not matter to a mom that’s needing help. Also taking it out with people and finding I’m not alone. I felt so guilty for it and wasted what should’ve been the best years of my life depressed, needing to recover. When I had to work I was already burnt out as keeping a home and being a secretary was a full time job. All for the sake of perfection. It made me not like my mom much tbh. If you don’t have the money to afford help to have a perfectly running home and your husband is not willing to help you let it be. Do what you can. Don’t recruit a person who has no idea that you’re taking advantage of them due to the power position of mom and kid. Currently working on leaving to the other side of the country to get away from my family. I don’t want to continue the rest of my life with that hell. Shit I don’t even want to have a family near them and that’s what’s making me more scared to date, the fear I’ll be judged for that despite having good reasons.
@@Anna-yy9so I spent my 20s recovering from growing up in that and trying to escape from it with little success. It’s hard as hell but I don’t want to deal with it. I felt like my mom took the will to live from me and also any positive feelings I had towards relationships. Trying to fix that is a lot of work.
The way I see it, it all really boils down to how these men were raised. In other cultures, particularly Latin and Asian, it’s even worse. Men don’t really participate AT ALL in household chores. My MIL is Mexican and she expects me to cater to her son nonstop, even when I was working full time. The mothers baby their sons too much while daughters are expected to take on a great deal of responsibility around the house. I’m Asian and that’s also what I saw growing up. 😡
I’m Latina and this is true. The men don’t do anything and the women raise them that way. You’re really expected to be their bangmaids and whether they do their expectations of men such as being a breadwinner doesn’t matter. The only expectation from them is whether they can fuck tbh. It sucks. I grew up with my step dad, four older brothers and my stepdad’s two sons and they honestly didn’t do anything. I was the youngest in the household and my mom basically made me her Secretary. It became the most effective birth control as by the time I was 16 I thought I was a lesbians as I just saw men as leeches. I am not exaggerating I can’t tell you of s single healthy male example I grew up seeing in our immigrant community except the gay men. Men only seem to want to be responsible for other men but if they’re straight they just have women be their bang servants. Even worse my realization that other ethnicities know this about us and seek us out for that. I thought that men of other cultures would be different but no my ethnicity only makes me attract the leeches of other cultures since we’re famed for being doormats. I should’ve avoided this post as it does trigger wounds.
@@AB-sm1qf So sorry that it triggered you. Hope you’re feeling better now. It’s really a frustrating setup, that expectation to do 💯 of the housework and how other women especially those from older generations, make us feel like we’re failures for not being able to be stepford-y like them and/or being difficult when we set boundaries. They should’ve raised their sons better.
Yep
Necessary "Not all latinos" comment. I'm colombian. My dad is this way but my mom is a SAHM, and was never expected to work and she has a cleaning lady a few times a week to help her, so she doesn't consider it a bad trade off. My boyfriend was raised by a strong mom (doctor) who never did any household chores (always had live in help) and always expected him to be self sufficient. He's a great cook (better than his mom lol), irons clothes better than I do, always splits chores with me and he also knows how to do all the typical guy stuff like change a tire, fix stuff around the house and all that. He's not perfect and of course he'd prefer hiring help if we could afford it like his parents but he knows that until we can, its both of us tackling it together. Honestly, I consider myself very lucky.
I’m Haitian and we were raised that way too, my mom would wake up at 4 am every morning before work so she could make breakfast and dinner so we’d have food to eat when we got home. She always looked so stressed and tired all the time, I vowed not to marry someone I have to take care of like a child.
I've been single for a million years and when I long for a partner, it's usually when I've pulled a reeeeallllllly long day and I'm thinking, "he'd be making dinner about now and I would come in to something ready and i could just sit down and eat and enjoy someone's company." What you're saying is that's truly a fantasy. I guess I'm not missing anything.
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Well, my boyfriend actually does that and loves to do it for me, and my ex also did. But these men are rare. I think the only thing you can do is be incredibly picky, set your standards high, and immediately make them clear. And you have to always be willing to still walk out when he decides to not honour those things. Being single is always better than being in a shitty relationship in which you're treated as less than. I mean, if a man can't even treat you as an equal, how can he even say he loves you?
Nope. Your long day willl be made even longer of you have to cook and clean for someone else after work who is an adult
@@mchlle94he's still just your boyfriend.not a father of kids
This kills me. I've actually experienced relationship friction because I was supportive/capable and my girlfriend expected me to be more self absorbed. I love being part of a team and leading or following as the circumstance calls for it. With her she felt stress and thought I expected favors or that I was trying to manipulate her. I was just happy she was happy. It's more complicated. (there was a lot of hard drug use and stealing among her family members. Not her though.) She was embarrassed and secretive about basic sexual health. I remember an instance where she was visibly uncomfortable and asked me to stop at the next store, mortified to admit she was out of pads and didn't have money on her. I said it was no problem. I'll get them and we'll go home so she can feel better. She was shocked that I wasn't sending her into the store. Ridiculous to me and a tiny, tiny bit insulting that she thought I would just let her suffer and demand to have no part of it. She kept telling me she didn't deserve nice acts of affection and would kinda shut down at times. It's hard to love someone that doesn't love themselves. It was sad and damaging to me.
On a practical side I cannot fathom grown men who can't do laundry or at least scramble some eggs. Cooking isn't that hard, just follow the instructions. A new recipe can be difficult the first few times because you're learning something new and haven't nailed down convenience improvements that work for your kitchen setup or begun to recognize what's critical to get right in the recipe.
I consider no task gendered. The idea that planning for your family is woman's work...like, do you want a family or not? Jesus.
Sadly that suggests you're the only man she's ever known who wasn't a self-absorbed baby. I wouldn't take it as an insult, though; it's just a sign she's been gaslit all her life into believing she should never expect anything useful or supportive from a man. People don't say that they don't deserve nice things unless someone else has repeatedly said it to them. I hope she was able to get therapy or some kind of help to unpack that.
Good man❤but her reaction let's you know how few there are
I think one reason why women also, on average, over-estimate our housework contribution (in that study) is because the mental work is not being counted under "housework." Yes it may only take 60-90 minutes to actually go to the grocery store and unload the groceries but planning meals, checking what you already have, making lists, figuring out other consumables that need to be restocked will also take significant time that won't look like actual "work." Not to mention the constant background work of remembering everyone's preferences, restrictions, keeping an eye on the dish soap, etc. I'm reading the study and they provide a list of the 20 "tasks" to estimate time for, tasks like "planning for shopping trips" or "keeping track of household consumables" and other similar tasks are not included. They do include "planning joint leisure activities," "deciding where to live," "deciding how money should be spent" for more "mental" tasks. It's also possible that women at the time may have listed (for example) pre-shopping mental load as "deciding how to spend money," when this item may have actually been intended for larger, joint decisions. Also this paper is from 1979.
Oh, I thought all that other stuff was a hobby.
Excellent points.
Oooooof that's outdated.
Excellent point. I doubt the mental load is being considered in that study but is a lot of extra work.
This was definitely a big component in why I got divorced. There were a lot of other places where our opinions diverged, but when I realized he was intentionally doing cooking, shopping, and cleaning badly on purpose, there was a definite break down in the relationship.
That divorce is godly
Watching this a year after it was posted, but it's still relevant and perfectly explains this other phenomenon I've seen of single women being happier than single men, and women in general choosing to be childfree
It's funny how one of these 'useless husband' moments was a wake up moment for me to stop dating men. My ex-bf and I had a discussion about what he'd do if we did have kids, since he was such a grumpy morning person I was concerned about how that would impact a child's wellbeing. His answer was 'run out the door' and essentially dump all the morning labour on me (also not a morning person). That's when I realised he might be saying that as a joke, but he and so many men my age think that's an acceptable answer. So I noped the hell out of that and found my perfect [nonbinary] partner about a year later. Phew, dodged a huge bullet!
Wow that's wild one guy gave a shit hypothetical answer and you're off men.
@@Mavado1 Nope, because if you actually follow studies done about heterosexual men, it's not worth the risk of you have other options.
I'm glad you're not dating men.
@@Mavado1 lol you say that like it was the only time I've ever heard a shit response from a man I was dating. None of the women I dated ever acted like this, I'll add.
@@Mavado1 Why are you offended? Is it hitting a nerve?
the way my husband stands there like an excited little child waiting for me to praise and blow smoke up his ass when he decides to “treat” me by making the bed, putting some cups in the sink, and throwing away trash (observe: not taking out the trash, just throwing plastic wrappers away). he can’t even load a washing machine. his brother is 24 and his mom still cleans his room and does his laundry. it’s embarrassing.
my mom never taught me anything other than how to cook rice. everything i’ve learned has been through the internet or trial and error. so no i have no sympathy for grown men who can’t even put clothes away in the closet.
Divorce when?
Why did you marry this guy 💀
To be fair: sometimes people have different standards for things. For example I could not give less of a hoot whether or not my bed is made, or if I've overloaded or underloaded the dishwasher, because to me these are minutiae. I may leave my clothes on the drying rack for several days even if they're dry already, simply because I don't need everything to be in its designated place at all times. I have friends who are different and I have friends who are the same.
Now I'm aromantic, so I also couldn't care less about being in a relationship with someone, but imagine for a second I wasn't, I would say then it would be necessary to find someone who matches, who also is more pragmatic, because of course it's important to not make my own habits someone else's problem. The same as the other way around...
And he probably expects a "Thank you" for doing what he is supposed to do
You married a toddler. Jeez please tell me you'll be divorced soon
I am reminded why i love my husband. We have three months old twins at the moment and he is a true partner and real parent.
A friend of mine ( married for 25yrs) was going on a weekend with friends. She told me she was cooking meals for her husband ahead of time before leaving. My response was, a hungry man will figure out how to use a can opener! After all, she figured out how to use a lawnmower!
Omg this describes my relationship with my husband so well. Well I asked for a divorce already because I’m sick and tired of being the one who runs mostly everything. Absolutely exhausted and depressed. Starting receiving therapy and going to gym for my own sanity.
Ok, now lets hear his side of the story.
Good. I hope you get out of the relationship and can heal
Same. I was working 7 days a week and would come home to a sink full of dirty dishes and a husband who apparently couldn't run a vacuum or operate a broom. Hes in his own apartment now doing ALL the things that he should have just helped me with and we would have been fine. Divorce should be final soon and i couldn't be happier without him living with me and draining me in every way
I'm glad you made the right move for your mental sanity❤
@@heatherevans8445- I'm glad you got out if this toxic mess ❤
This reminds me of the Enjoli commercials from the 1980s. “The fragrance for the 24-hour woman” was the official description. The commercial showed a gorgeous woman singing, “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.” Amazing that this mindset hasn’t shifted in forty years.
That is insane that they got away with framing that as a positive thing when it sounds objectively awful. 🤣
I cooked for the first time when there was a death in the family and I was 8-9 something…and mom was inconsolable..so I just turned on the fire and started cooking a very random curry..it was my first EVER time cooking something..it was a learning experience how everyone just needs to step up and do a chore thats right in front of u…even if u think it’s not yours to do… i do the laundry of the entire house every 4-5 days..do the dishes and don’t BRAG about it..i live there..my job isn’t just to get money and get served..nothing emasculating in that..it sad how our relatives get surprised and cheer me for doing the chores..its such an out of the world thing for them
My hubby was useless during Covid. I was homeschooling 5 kids & all he did was sleep, drink beer, eat, whinge about lockdown. It was horrible……
It’s so shocking & sad to me that so many men are like this. My dad is my hero because he is nothing like that. He’s even the reason why I love cooking because he taught me. He also taught me how to make basic home repairs, clean, sew, knit, crochet, & manage money. He also spends time with me every day even as an adult, no matter how exhausted working full time makes him
While I've got no intention of getting married, I've known for years that having a partner who just works and expects things to be done for them at home would never work for me. I have a guy friend who is that type of guy and I've assured him that, despite friends thinking we'll eventually get together, we would never be a couple because I would bury him in his own backyard before the relationship hit a week. My tolerance is way too low for that entitlement.
I'm a 32 year old woman and this massive backslide is so, so depressing.
I saw the writing on the wall as a child. That when I became an adult woman, there would be all of these unfair expectations of me in my own home. So, when I was 9, I decided that I’d never learn to cook and I’d be childfree. I defended these choices against every older relative and ex boyfriend for almost 2 decades, because it was so against the grain. Fast forward to life with my childfree husband, who also never learned how to cook, but nags me constantly for not knowing; I am so happy I’m not solely responsible for meals. Not being able to cook (and refusing to do anything about it) was the catalyst for us to divide all other household chores evenly - as it should be. But…why should it have to take all that? That’s insane.
I am so so deeply inspired by and proud of you. I am a 20 year old and I do not plan to marry at all (or have kids, for that matter), but this gives me strength and hope that it is in my control to turn the narrative around and not be treated like a slave. Thank you for sharing. 💖
When you say, never learn to cook, you dont mean like
Never learnt how to do basic stuff right? i hope not because i have seen people who cant cook at all
@@yavikaritu33 Knowing to cook is such an important skill for your energy and overall health. Cooking first and foremost is self care !
As an aroace, I took a different approach: I learned to do some "men's chores", aside from the "women's" so I can say "simce I can do a man's chores, I expect any wannabe husband to be willing and able to do women's chores, too. If not... I have enough issues on my own. I don't need ANOTHER set of headaches... plus I can live well without a man". Sure, I was told I'm "too intimidating" or "I'm asking too much" but I don't care... I mean, I don't NEED a man in my life so why should I settle?
Same, I never learned to cook with the same thing in mind. Funnily enough, I discovered a couple of years ago I'm aro, so now I've been slowly learning to make basic dishes from my mom because I'm never going to get married.
Watching videos like that make me appreciate my dad so much. He was always available, made dinner, cleaned, helped with homework, spent genuine time with us, etc.