Whenever I tried to communicate how my Dad’s behavior made me feel bad or scared to him, he took it personally like I was criticizing him in a malevolent way and said, “Ohhh, I must be a bad Dad, then huh? I must be a bad Dad.” My heart goes out to all who have had to suffer through narcissistic abuse from one or both parents.
And you know… the answer was,” yes you’re being a bad dad. You’re being very selfish and I’m small and need you.” It’s really hard to hear that and know the self awareness and accountability is never there. It’s.. very frustrating. ❤
@@littlemainefarmer8173 It’s super frustrating that they’d rather blame and cause harm to their kid instead of listening and working on themselves to fix the problem. My dad got off on watching me shake every time he came into the room. He told me it made him made that I shook when we he came into the room, but not once did he try to be a better father. I shook because he abused me.
BINGO - this is my Mom 100% - she also has a masters degree in counseling which made matters worse, because she threw the weight of being a "so called" psychological expert in our faces as children and it continued as adults. It affected all of us children, and she did it to my Dad as well. Who were we to question an expert? Not until I started trauma therapy did I realize how emotionally immature my Mother was due to her own childhood trauma. Even though I have healed, my Mom is 84 and still emotionally immature. She would not listen to my healing process, and turned the tables on me every time I tried to discuss something about my childhood so I quit talking about it. I was hoping by sharing my healing process with her, she might want to try to do some healing herself. Sadly she is too set in her ways. Thank you for the work you do - your posts over the years, and your book pushed me further in my healing than i ever thought possible. I set myself free in the process. I am currently waiting for your workbook to be released next month - my sister and I are both going to do it. and call each other each week to go over the work we have done - so I look forward to more healing.
My female parent is also well educated, has a PhD and a lecturer, so I really feel you. Not until I lived overseas for two years for my master's (thank you, scholarship!) I realised that she is actually really, really unhealthy, emotionally immature, and self-preoccupied from her own trauma. Yet, that is *her* job to heal, not mine, never was, and never will be, not anymore. Let's let our parents go and heal/recover!
Please help me I’m going through the same stuff and I’m crying while writing this I’m only 14 and she makes me hate myself I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world please I need advice she’ll hit me or scream at me horrible things If I show her this video
@@kaselynbriker2620I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know it may not feel like it but please know you don’t deserve to be treated that way by your parent. There’s nothing you could have done to deserve that. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, and when you have a parent that makes you earn their love, chances are you never will feel like you did earn their love. I recommend focusing on your future, you deserve a life full of happiness and love and it’s not your fault you got a mom who is incapable or unwilling to be a source of those things for you. I know four years sounds like a lifetime right now but once you can move out, do it and don’t look back. You’re worthy and capable of becoming a happy, fulfilled adult.
I knew a Peruvian woman who claimed to be a retired nurse in counseling or something and yet she babied her son and didnt want to teach him any life skills and didn't like the thought of him getting married and he was kn his early 20s. Knew a Mexican American woman who was a regular nurse and yet she didn't feed her four kids balance meals and yet would complain to her preteen daughter for being overweight
I tried telling my parents what they do and how it affects me, but every attempt is met with deflecting and gaslighting, not to mention they'd turn the rest of the family against me. On top of that, I went from being a normal, out-going kid to a shut-in that lost all his friends and struggle to make healthy relationships to this day (im 24 now). The mental gymnastics they put me through... im surprised I held on this long after ive suffered and lost so much.
@RivenOx Congrats on hanging on. I thought I was gonna lose it too. At one point in my life, I was dealing with three narcissists. My business partner, my husband, and my father. Your description of mental gymnastics was spot on. Hopefully you are distancing yourselves from these unconscious people, and becoming your own authentic self. Much love, awareness and self-compassion to you during your healing.
The same thing happened to me. I chose to leave my parents as a result, and I haven't looked back once. I still get angry messages from my dad trying to blame me for all the failures in their lives, but it's now like water off a duck's back.
I’m four years older and I feel for you. I go through the same thing minus the family being turned against me (I’m an only child). Don’t worry you’re still young, you have time. And even if you weren’t, the brain is an amazing thing, capable of healing itself through its neuroplasticity (I think that’s the word?). The more time you spend away from them, the better.
Embrace being an outcast and build your own life, family, support system, etc. Ppl like that won’t change unless they’re ready and willing, and waiting for them to wake up will drain you. Love, protect, and support yourself the way they should have. I’m sorry they haven’t been good to you.
Thats exactly what my narcissistic mother said, WORD FOR WORD. I also noticed how her abuse got worse as i aged. I always had to deal with her rubbing everything shd ever did for me in my face. She legitimately claimed to do everything when she treated me as her slave. Id clean the whole house, cook dinner, wash the dishes and mow the lawn. Yet she would explode over having to clean the dining table once a week. It was like she took credit for my work and then called me lazy. The self projecting was uncanny.
Don't let the cycle repeat itself. We often pass on (unconsciously) what our parents passed onto us. The book parenting without power struggles has really helped me to be the best version of myself for my daughter and not just her, but for myself and people in general.
@@A_MuzikYou are suggesting to someone who already has a child, not have children...lol. I have been a mother for 12 years and wouldn't change it for the world. To each their own.
I will check that out. I have a good relationship with my 20 year old daughter because I learnt how not to behave from my mum, I didn't try to influence her choices or invalidate her or manipulate her. I listen to her and support her. We get on well. My son, at 17, he has become v aggressive and has told me i'm a bitch. Wanting to be the oppositve of my mother I kept communication open and asked ''why am i a bitch?'' hoping he'd give me something, some reason that could be discussed, but he just called me more names. He's with my brother now. I'm glad he's safe. I will google the book.
I started thriving when I stopped listening to my mums(often unsolicited)advice. After a few years I stopped listening to other people’s unsolicited advice and I’m living my best life!😁
This exactly discribes my birthmother. Except for the "tiger-mom-thing", which was actually reversed because I am a woman. So while I was being denied a proper education, having a teenage life, my brother however was being pushed repeatedly throughout middleschool by her, setting ridiculous standards and being harsh on him and at the same time he was allowed to have friendships and relationships and going places. How she "helped" him with his homework, she simply told me off or ordered my brother to tutor me. One time she forced him to do an assignment on the computer that I had to do and I asked several times to make it. I had little to no acces to a computer and I was prohibited to go outside alone untill age 18 because my parents feared I would run away and ask for help. I am a Dutch native! By the time it was due and I still being refused to do my own assignment she ordered my brother to do it and forced me to watch. She also manipulated the school and healthcaresystem because she did not wanted me to graduate on the highest level I could and she also did not wanted me to work because I am female. My brother however had acces to almost everything and was allowed to study and to work and to go out with friends. Still my brother resented me for a lot of things we never discussed. He seemingly lived a free life, but I only can guess the severe sacrifices he had to make to "earn his freedom". He believed every lie our mother told him and he eventually broke off contact with me about six years ago. Can't say I blame him. I went no-contact with her and my birthfather about four years ago. No regrets. I still try to cope, grieve, and make up for all the lost years. I have no idea how to make a fresh start as a normal human being. Because after a lot of research and finding evidence, I found out that I am, besides being traumatised for +20/+25 years, a normal human being that is capable.❤️🩹
1. You ARE a normal human being. You are reacting the way anyone would in this situation 2. You are a strong one, because you cut this away from you 3. You will be okay moving forward, because you have already succeeded twice
This is exactly how my birth mother has reacted ever since I was born. She would blame everything on me and my siblings and would NEVER admit her mistakes. She LOVES to compare us with other people’s children and nitpick on us for our shortcomings. I am 25 now, and even today, I hesitate to ask her some basic questions because I am afraid of her lashing out. I had a terrible argument with her last night, and we almost threw things at each other. The feelings of disappointment, frustration, and anger from these 25 years came out all at once. She never even said sorry for what she had done to me and my siblings throughout these years, and from then on, I have decided to cut my ties with her.
I found out as an adult that this was the mother my own mom grew up with because she is still 100% this way. My mom was like this when I growing up but by the grace of God finally changed when I reached early adulthood and I got a sincere apology from her. She and my brother still have a lot to work out, but to this day I’m actually amazed at how much her apology has helped us heal our own relationship. She stopped being defensive and just said, “you’re right”. Powerful.
As a mama of a teen I’m doing my best to be a conscious parent and not repeat the cycle. When I get it wrong I apologise and try to do better next time. We don’t push our daughter to be the best at anything we just want her to follow her heart and do what makes her happy. One thing is for sure there’s nothing like being a paren’t to show us where we still got some healing to do.
I was 13 and my mom stressed out singlehandedly raising me a struggling middle school student secretly diagnosed with Aspergers. She said to me "What if i drop dead in the middle of the street." I remember feeling a deep pit in the bottom of my stomach. That fucking hurt.
Wow. Spot on! Please do more content about emotionally immature parents. This is an area I'm learning more about in my own life. Everything makes sense now...
Holy crap this is my dad. I learned at 18 that I will never receive approval from him and had many breakdowns. I have finally accepted it at 23. I am now married and plan on giving love and approval for my children especially bc I never had that from my dad growing up.
My mom was kinda like this, but luckily I've always been authentic enough not to need her approval. So we would argue alot because she was pushing me too much and I just didn't care, I did my own thing. Some things I did just to avoid "the penalty" that was her drama and disappointment with my grades etc. But in the end I just wanted to make myself proud, my inner child that is
This is brilliant, hilarious and extremely accurate. Thanks for taking the time to write and perform these shorts. They go a long way toward reinforcing belief in myself and what I experienced as a child. It takes focused effort to choose to begin the healing journey, as well as thrive along the way.
My mother is mostly like this with the exception of being a tiger mom(?). She never pushed us to excel at school or sports, she was too busy putting our father (and pretty much any adult male in her life ((daddy/abandonment issues)) on a pedestal, while constantly comparing me to him “at your age”. Wonder where she diverged in this excellent example of immature parents?
My parents put all of my siblings through school but refused to help me at all and would beat me any time they saw me eating food they didnt give explicit permission to eat after I put on weight from Narcolepsy type 1 onset and now they try to pretend it never happened while telling me how much better all of my siblings are
Wow, you just described my family dynamic. It’s well known that only one of Grandma’s kids ever got her approval… my mom works way too hard& I have lost myself to people pleasing. Don’t have kids yet but want this whole pattern to stop with me.
Damn!! This is how I’ve been feeling my entire life. First as the kid, now as the parent. WOW!! This gives me perspective and I see I have work to do. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏾
Hurts a little how accurate this is to me and my mum, i love her a lot but growing up trying to comfort her regularly when she would be in these moods was hard. I still can’t seem to say anything to help and i end up normally just sitting there listening to her spiral. And you’re right I am super perfectionist and I do still struggle with doing things that my mum would disapprove of.
this, except its almost as if my parents set me up for failure. I lived an incredibly isolated childhood, I never really allowed to go outside, and if i was, it was never alone. The school system failed me as well and it resulted in me being home more often than not because I couldn't keep up. My father wasn't really there for me emotionaly, and i had 'infinite freedom' inside the house when it came to how long i could game and watch tv for, which my father especially still holds above my head because ''at least we weren't as strict as your friend's parents!" . My mom is deeply traumatised and has always relied on me to make her feel better, but i never could. It's weird, because if I was even the slightest bit sick she would get me help. And at the same time, she preaches every second that she is in pain too, and that im not the only one who suffers whenever I mention how i feel. It's so conflicting. I've given up on the relationship w my father for my own sake; he's told me lately that he just thinks im a psycho bitch etc etc, so it's not worth putting energy in. At least my mother has been more aware and wants to fix things. Even wants to do systemic family therapy with me. However she still stands by the idea that I just need to let go of things and keeps trying to move me on and going '"Yes I did this, but you did ____'' as if our hurt is the same. I really can't wait to be free.
my mom is a mixture of this and an emotionally detached parent if i criticize her or try to point out something she did that was harmful or hurtful it becomes a "well i guess im just an awful mother then" situation that results in me having to soothe and comfort her and the problem never being addressed or if i refuse to do that it can turn into threats of being kicked out etc especially if alcohol becomes involved im 24 now and this still happens the only thing ive been able to put my foot down on properly was stopping her from dumping all of her trauma onto me because it caused me multiple mental breakdowns in my teen years and by "putting my foot down" i mean i just pretended i couldnt hear anything she had to say or would mindlessly agree or say whatever it is she wants to hear or completely remove myself from the environment but remember, your parent has done nothing wrong and you're the problem in those environments (this is said with intense sarcasm: you are NOT your parents therapist) we've tried to have her come to therapy with me but its never about her problems and the root cause being linked to her, its just about me not allowing her to behave in the ways she wants to sadly to the point where once im stable and on my own, i dont really want to have a relationship with her, and in the end i know itll be viewed as my fault
This is my MOMMMM. Except she never put pressure on me about school, she could care less until I got an F in something, and even then it wasn’t harsh punishment. Just a short talk. Which I didn’t mind when I was a kid, but now that I’m older I really wish I had someone who kept on me and helped me focus
This was my mom but I realized quickly that aproval was un obtainable. So I lost my sense of trust and accomplishment. But I did have a sense of duty which makes me a great caregiver and also un able to care for others without taking damage myself.
I had this huge ephipany at 33 realizing all of these characteristics have been my mom this whole time but she leans to be sweet kind and whiny/needy but I saw it one day and the manipulation and I couldn’t unsee it. My entire family unit had ab explosive 🧨Christmas because I thoughtfully mentioned something that happened to me and everyone felt attacked and made it all about them especially my mother. Sigh. Healing and being emotionally intelligent and empathetic and naive is hard…
I stopped trying to get my mom's approval, after I graduated highschool. I knew that no matter what I said or did, she would always find reasons to put down my decisions about my life, and even throw temper tantrums. Not caring about what she thinks or feels was the most freeing decision I've ever made.
You've pretty much summed up my relationship with my dad. Bringing home straight As from school and being at the top of the class was the only way to win his love and approval.
I enjoy your videos a lot and love their style... I would love you to do a series of showing good enough parenting... not impossible perfect parenting, but real life with parenting mistakes and repairs, and handling day to day parenting. 😀 thanks for your content thus far! X
Right in my feels. This is why I've put my relationship with my mom at arms length, I know I'll never have a healthy relationship with her. Feels good to let go and find those I can feel comfortable/trust enough to be close to.
This is both of my parents, but especially my mother. I never became competitive. I suffer from pathological perfectionism. If I can't be perfect, I don't try at all. If it isn't perfect, I get yelled at and ridiculed for being a failure. I couldn't win no matter what I did, so I stopped trying. Ohhhhh this one hurt bad. Thanks, Nicole!
This is my mom to a tea. 🍵 Another thing she was scared of was when I grew up and offered to help her she just dismissed me so she could keep complaining.
😢 I've just learned I have a narcissistic mother and those words in the suene describe my whole life. That exact feeling of not having a life and the emitional breakdown is excatly what I've been through.
My sister in law did this constantly until she died in her 40s from cancer. She never received the approval she desperately needed, but my mother-in-law blamed her daughter for her own premature death. My mother in law never shed a tear, but tried to claim belongings from the estate and since her daughter could no longer defend herself, she made sure to completely tear down her reputation.
Yup. I deal with that type of family member on a daily. It's exhausting having a conversation with them knowing that their ego will do everything they can to turn it into an argument.😔
This is so scary... seeing myself talking to my precious daughter. Thanks for the opportunity to see what is wrong with my attitude and make changes. Hope it's not too late. 😢
Oh... hi mum 😅. Exactly me, except had my mental breakdown/burnout from over achieving as a teen and became chronically ill. Now disabled and forced to live with her 🙃. They never change
Ugh to this day I have to consciously correct myself when i find myself internally asking things like “but would my parents approve”? Because of course they won’t, because withholding approval to make me keep struggling for it is the POINT and why the best thing I can do is not care what they think, while forming my own values and morals
Finally got my parents to do family therapy with me. Hoping it goes well. Most of their issues are around not having or understanding boundaries--thus, not respecting mine or my siblings, and making us feel like burdens a lot. Also doesn't help that my Dad is a workaholic, and my Mum has depression, and all of us are neurodivergent.
I'm following your self-help podcast, and it's been really, really helpful- but I was wondering if you have made/are planning on making a video on how to healthily reconcile the anger and resentment that can get brought up during the healing journey while still maintaining a compassionate perspective?
Both my parents grew up with their grand parents, due to their parents having moved to a different country to work there and make money to achieve a better future for them. The fact that each of their parents ended up getting pregnant and bringing a sibling into the world at the new country and that sibling then staying with them, while my parents stayed at their home country, just added to them feeling rejected, at least that's what I believe, not that my parents ever spoke of their feelings... My fathers grandmother, who acted as his mother, also died in a fire in the shed while tending to their life stock, something that scared my father for life and he fled into alcoholism. It is really no big surprise that my parents weren't the best parents in the world, they really didn't know how to be, nonetheless it left an impact on my brother and me, obviously. I am trying my hardest to right those wrongs with my son, I don't always succeed and I feel my parents parenting style seeping through every now and then, but no one is perfect, it's important to be able to see those patterns and change for the better, best as we can.
Oh. Oh, this explains so much about my dad. This video came randomly across my home page and I'm glad it did. I want to understand, but it's hard to be around him, even in my 30s. Thank you for making this.
EIP vid. Yea, this made me cry. I know I have to grieve to heal, but it still hurts. So glad I have an adult in me to calm my wounded inner child and know that I'm here for her now. The compassion and awareness we have to have for ourselves is incredibly hard and sometimes I fail. Getting better though the more I do it. Really good video on this subject.
I love this channel for how simply you break down patterns through sketches. You know your field inside and out and the reveals are genuinely mind blowing.
Wow you were able to not be uncharitable while still accurately critiquing this phenomenon. It’s a hard line to walk, and I think you executed it perfectly.
Someonenever said to them "well no one forced you to have children and it is your job to feed them, clean them and provide for them. That's the just bare minimum".
I've said that exact thing to my mother and it sadly goes in one ear and out the other. She genuinely thinks that providing for her kids was some sort of gold medal-deserving act of generosity. She doesn't accept that it's the bare minimum because then she'd have to accept that doing the bare minimum was hard for her.
So accurate! The only difference was that I figured out in my teen years that nothing I can do will ever be good enough for her and that I've been living my life just to get her approval. Since then, I've just been depressed and trying to find my sense of self.
Scary, this is my mother to a t. I've seen alot of videos about what these kind of parents can be like, but this was scarily on point with my experience. This was really disturbing for me to see. Thanks for posting
Thanks for your work, it has been very healing facing the emotional abuse and neglecting I went as a Child and knowing the spaces from I 've been operating as an adulto. Infinit thanks
You literally just sat there, and COMPLETELY described how my mom reacts... I literally have an online therapy session due to the fact that I am sick and tired of family... But nobody wants a teenage girl to leave her home, regardless of how toxic this gets...
My parent was like this, but I never seeked approval, because I was smart enough to know I'm Never gonna get it, because it's not how it works, love is unconditional, and if it wasn't there to begin with, it will NEVER be there, it just has nowhere to come from. I raise my kids in love and respect, guidance, but no pressure, they get to make their own choices wherever they can, they always have my support and I deal with my problems myself without dragging them into it
This makes me so sad. It explains a lot about my mother and father. But even sadder, I see this in myself as a mother too. I adore my kids, but I do feel like a maid, and I guilt them at times. This has helped me to understand my own behaviors and traumas.
yea. i didnt care about approval, though; i just tried desperately to make the parents not depressed and see their own worth. at some point i realized it wasnt on me and it was probably never going to happen anyway. my parents are kinda sad inside
Omg, this, and the one with the parent who can't self regulate hits so hard for me. It's like I didn't know consciously but this person did. Ow, maybe one day I'll actually go to therapy.
My parents both in a nutshell but I’ve been slowly breaking that traumatic cycle. I live my own life for my own needs, and I no longer put my parents first because I don’t feel in my adult life, they had put me first *willingly* in anything I did. I made my own choices with going to school, getting two degrees and now I’m actively going to therapy to solve my issues with my family trauma. Don’t give up. ❤
OMG...such a great vid! THANK YOU for teaching people how to be! Coming from trauma myself, I'm imagining you've had a transformation through the hard, hard work of emotionally transforming/healing yourself (alone or with help)...Thank you for doing the hard work! You are a wonderful inspiration to others! I live near Seattle and heard of you through a friend in Brazil! Teaching others how to love themselves will, and is, healing humans from our evolutionary trauma! I'm on the same team with you! I am finishing grad school, leaving cash rich corporate tech and will change to Psychotherapist as my career. 6 months until I'm done! I've been hosting a group called Awake Love on Meetup for many years - would love you to join sometime! LMK
This is literally my mom (even the things she says) and I'm trying to be very careful and aware so I don't be the same. For example, living with my housemates I definitely feel a little sour that I feel like their maid 😭and i have to reframe and remind myself that they are helping in other ways & everything can't be 100% fair
I have definitely caught myself doing this to my daughter, especially as she approaches her teens. It was a staple of my mother's parenting style and I remember how hurtful it was, so I am working hard to notice and correct it in myself. Ugh...
My mom had a nervous breakdown at the age of 70. It started with insomnia. It lasted really long time before she started to feel her own poison. I helped her get on her feet, constantly encouraging her to be more active, until I gave up. She is now 76 and she is having the 2nd episode. Now I'm openly talking about her not being responsible for her self, mental health and well-being. She is saying that she is too old, but I really think it's important to do as much as possible even in her old age.
Most parents are extremely arrogant and entitled, and will NEVER admit their wrongs, this way.
most parents became parents by carelessly indulging in sex without thinking of consequences.
OR they will admit their wrongs and it won’t count or be accepted.
Many humans definitely struggle with denial! ❤
@k m If it’s sincere and followed by CHANGED BEHAVIOR, then I don’t see why it wouldn’t be accepted or how it would not count. 💁🏾♂️
@@DJ-zd3gj perhaps it’s easier to blame than to forgive.
Whenever I tried to communicate how my Dad’s behavior made me feel bad or scared to him, he took it personally like I was criticizing him in a malevolent way and said, “Ohhh, I must be a bad Dad, then huh? I must be a bad Dad.” My heart goes out to all who have had to suffer through narcissistic abuse from one or both parents.
minimalize communicate with them, dont react and respond everything that they try to get your attention..
And you know… the answer was,” yes you’re being a bad dad. You’re being very selfish and I’m small and need you.”
It’s really hard to hear that and know the self awareness and accountability is never there. It’s.. very frustrating. ❤
@@littlemainefarmer8173 It’s super frustrating that they’d rather blame and cause harm to their kid instead of listening and working on themselves to fix the problem. My dad got off on watching me shake every time he came into the room. He told me it made him made that I shook when we he came into the room, but not once did he try to be a better father. I shook because he abused me.
My mom does this
I feel that completely, too. Even though he knows about my history with mental health, my dad STILL doesn't take mee seriously or takes it personally
“Why doesn’t my daughter talk to me anymore?”
Ding ding ding
BINGO - this is my Mom 100% - she also has a masters degree in counseling which made matters worse, because she threw the weight of being a "so called" psychological expert in our faces as children and it continued as adults. It affected all of us children, and she did it to my Dad as well. Who were we to question an expert? Not until I started trauma therapy did I realize how emotionally immature my Mother was due to her own childhood trauma. Even though I have healed, my Mom is 84 and still emotionally immature. She would not listen to my healing process, and turned the tables on me every time I tried to discuss something about my childhood so I quit talking about it. I was hoping by sharing my healing process with her, she might want to try to do some healing herself. Sadly she is too set in her ways. Thank you for the work you do - your posts over the years, and your book pushed me further in my healing than i ever thought possible. I set myself free in the process. I am currently waiting for your workbook to be released next month - my sister and I are both going to do it. and call each other each week to go over the work we have done - so I look forward to more healing.
My female parent is also well educated, has a PhD and a lecturer, so I really feel you. Not until I lived overseas for two years for my master's (thank you, scholarship!) I realised that she is actually really, really unhealthy, emotionally immature, and self-preoccupied from her own trauma. Yet, that is *her* job to heal, not mine, never was, and never will be, not anymore. Let's let our parents go and heal/recover!
Please help me I’m going through the same stuff and I’m crying while writing this I’m only 14 and she makes me hate myself I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world please I need advice she’ll hit me or scream at me horrible things If I show her this video
This video is EXACTLY my mother
@@kaselynbriker2620I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know it may not feel like it but please know you don’t deserve to be treated that way by your parent. There’s nothing you could have done to deserve that. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, and when you have a parent that makes you earn their love, chances are you never will feel like you did earn their love. I recommend focusing on your future, you deserve a life full of happiness and love and it’s not your fault you got a mom who is incapable or unwilling to be a source of those things for you. I know four years sounds like a lifetime right now but once you can move out, do it and don’t look back. You’re worthy and capable of becoming a happy, fulfilled adult.
I knew a Peruvian woman who claimed to be a retired nurse in counseling or something and yet she babied her son and didnt want to teach him any life skills and didn't like the thought of him getting married and he was kn his early 20s.
Knew a Mexican American woman who was a regular nurse and yet she didn't feed her four kids balance meals and yet would complain to her preteen daughter for being overweight
Please do more skits like this. It’s so much easier to understand the dynamics this way rather than by reading or listening to a list of traits.
I tried telling my parents what they do and how it affects me, but every attempt is met with deflecting and gaslighting, not to mention they'd turn the rest of the family against me. On top of that, I went from being a normal, out-going kid to a shut-in that lost all his friends and struggle to make healthy relationships to this day (im 24 now).
The mental gymnastics they put me through... im surprised I held on this long after ive suffered and lost so much.
@RivenOx Congrats on hanging on. I thought I was gonna lose it too. At one point in my life, I was dealing with three narcissists. My business partner, my husband, and my father. Your description of mental gymnastics was spot on. Hopefully you are distancing yourselves from these unconscious people, and becoming your own authentic self. Much love, awareness and self-compassion to you during your healing.
The same thing happened to me. I chose to leave my parents as a result, and I haven't looked back once. I still get angry messages from my dad trying to blame me for all the failures in their lives, but it's now like water off a duck's back.
I’m four years older and I feel for you. I go through the same thing minus the family being turned against me (I’m an only child). Don’t worry you’re still young, you have time. And even if you weren’t, the brain is an amazing thing, capable of healing itself through its neuroplasticity (I think that’s the word?). The more time you spend away from them, the better.
Embrace being an outcast and build your own life, family, support system, etc. Ppl like that won’t change unless they’re ready and willing, and waiting for them to wake up will drain you.
Love, protect, and support yourself the way they should have. I’m sorry they haven’t been good to you.
This was my mom. I don’t know how many times I heard the phrase “you treat me like dirt!” I was a little kid. That stays with you.
Thats exactly what my narcissistic mother said, WORD FOR WORD. I also noticed how her abuse got worse as i aged. I always had to deal with her rubbing everything shd ever did for me in my face. She legitimately claimed to do everything when she treated me as her slave. Id clean the whole house, cook dinner, wash the dishes and mow the lawn. Yet she would explode over having to clean the dining table once a week. It was like she took credit for my work and then called me lazy. The self projecting was uncanny.
Don't let the cycle repeat itself. We often pass on (unconsciously) what our parents passed onto us. The book parenting without power struggles has really helped me to be the best version of myself for my daughter and not just her, but for myself and people in general.
So very true, we will all continue to repeat these cycles until we become conscious to them. Celebrating your choice to do so ZenMetaLasaurus!!
❤
I came up with a better solution. Never have children
@@A_MuzikYou are suggesting to someone who already has a child, not have children...lol.
I have been a mother for 12 years and wouldn't change it for the world. To each their own.
Thank you for stopping generational trauma. You are a blessing :)
I will check that out. I have a good relationship with my 20 year old daughter because I learnt how not to behave from my mum, I didn't try to influence her choices or invalidate her or manipulate her. I listen to her and support her. We get on well. My son, at 17, he has become v aggressive and has told me i'm a bitch. Wanting to be the oppositve of my mother I kept communication open and asked ''why am i a bitch?'' hoping he'd give me something, some reason that could be discussed, but he just called me more names. He's with my brother now. I'm glad he's safe. I will google the book.
I started thriving when I stopped listening to my mums(often unsolicited)advice. After a few years I stopped listening to other people’s unsolicited advice and I’m living my best life!😁
If I sent this to my mother it would be an act of war 😂
This exactly discribes my birthmother. Except for the "tiger-mom-thing", which was actually reversed because I am a woman. So while I was being denied a proper education, having a teenage life, my brother however was being pushed repeatedly throughout middleschool by her, setting ridiculous standards and being harsh on him and at the same time he was allowed to have friendships and relationships and going places. How she "helped" him with his homework, she simply told me off or ordered my brother to tutor me. One time she forced him to do an assignment on the computer that I had to do and I asked several times to make it. I had little to no acces to a computer and I was prohibited to go outside alone untill age 18 because my parents feared I would run away and ask for help. I am a Dutch native! By the time it was due and I still being refused to do my own assignment she ordered my brother to do it and forced me to watch. She also manipulated the school and healthcaresystem because she did not wanted me to graduate on the highest level I could and she also did not wanted me to work because I am female. My brother however had acces to almost everything and was allowed to study and to work and to go out with friends. Still my brother resented me for a lot of things we never discussed. He seemingly lived a free life, but I only can guess the severe sacrifices he had to make to "earn his freedom". He believed every lie our mother told him and he eventually broke off contact with me about six years ago. Can't say I blame him. I went no-contact with her and my birthfather about four years ago. No regrets. I still try to cope, grieve, and make up for all the lost years. I have no idea how to make a fresh start as a normal human being. Because after a lot of research and finding evidence, I found out that I am, besides being traumatised for +20/+25 years, a normal human being that is capable.❤️🩹
1. You ARE a normal human being. You are reacting the way anyone would in this situation
2. You are a strong one, because you cut this away from you
3. You will be okay moving forward, because you have already succeeded twice
❤ So sorry for what and how you suffered! 😢 I hope you're doing well and catching up on what you missed.
This is exactly how my birth mother has reacted ever since I was born. She would blame everything on me and my siblings and would NEVER admit her mistakes. She LOVES to compare us with other people’s children and nitpick on us for our shortcomings. I am 25 now, and even today, I hesitate to ask her some basic questions because I am afraid of her lashing out. I had a terrible argument with her last night, and we almost threw things at each other. The feelings of disappointment, frustration, and anger from these 25 years came out all at once. She never even said sorry for what she had done to me and my siblings throughout these years, and from then on, I have decided to cut my ties with her.
Damn you just described my relationship with my Mom 😢
I found out as an adult that this was the mother my own mom grew up with because she is still 100% this way. My mom was like this when I growing up but by the grace of God finally changed when I reached early adulthood and I got a sincere apology from her. She and my brother still have a lot to work out, but to this day I’m actually amazed at how much her apology has helped us heal our own relationship. She stopped being defensive and just said, “you’re right”. Powerful.
As a mama of a teen I’m doing my best to be a conscious parent and not repeat the cycle. When I get it wrong I apologise and try to do better next time. We don’t push our daughter to be the best at anything we just want her to follow her heart and do what makes her happy. One thing is for sure there’s nothing like being a paren’t to show us where we still got some healing to do.
This one-minute skit gave me more validation than my own parents throughout my short life (I'm 21)
I was 13 and my mom stressed out singlehandedly raising me a struggling middle school student secretly diagnosed with Aspergers. She said to me "What if i drop dead in the middle of the street." I remember feeling a deep pit in the bottom of my stomach. That fucking hurt.
Wow. Spot on! Please do more content about emotionally immature parents. This is an area I'm learning more about in my own life. Everything makes sense now...
Holy crap this is my dad. I learned at 18 that I will never receive approval from him and had many breakdowns. I have finally accepted it at 23. I am now married and plan on giving love and approval for my children especially bc I never had that from my dad growing up.
I had this exact conversation with my mom yesterday. It’s like it’s impossible for her to understand someone else’s feelings and POV.
My mom was kinda like this, but luckily I've always been authentic enough not to need her approval. So we would argue alot because she was pushing me too much and I just didn't care, I did my own thing. Some things I did just to avoid "the penalty" that was her drama and disappointment with my grades etc.
But in the end I just wanted to make myself proud, my inner child that is
Sending you (+ your inner child) Diana!! ❤❤
THIS!
These kind of women need to be dawged out
This is brilliant, hilarious and extremely accurate. Thanks for taking the time to write and perform these shorts. They go a long way toward reinforcing belief in myself and what I experienced as a child. It takes focused effort to choose to begin the healing journey, as well as thrive along the way.
So glad you're finding these helpful in reinforcing belief in yourself Beth, thanks for tuning in! ❤
My mother is mostly like this with the exception of being a tiger mom(?). She never pushed us to excel at school or sports, she was too busy putting our father (and pretty much any adult male in her life ((daddy/abandonment issues)) on a pedestal, while constantly comparing me to him “at your age”. Wonder where she diverged in this excellent example of immature parents?
My parents put all of my siblings through school but refused to help me at all and would beat me any time they saw me eating food they didnt give explicit permission to eat after I put on weight from Narcolepsy type 1 onset and now they try to pretend it never happened while telling me how much better all of my siblings are
Wow, you just described my family dynamic. It’s well known that only one of Grandma’s kids ever got her approval… my mom works way too hard& I have lost myself to people pleasing. Don’t have kids yet but want this whole pattern to stop with me.
If only they could actually say that last part and acknowledge it themselves 😭
Damn!! This is how I’ve been feeling my entire life. First as the kid, now as the parent. WOW!! This gives me perspective and I see I have work to do. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏾
Hurts a little how accurate this is to me and my mum, i love her a lot but growing up trying to comfort her regularly when she would be in these moods was hard. I still can’t seem to say anything to help and i end up normally just sitting there listening to her spiral. And you’re right I am super perfectionist and I do still struggle with doing things that my mum would disapprove of.
The way you summarized my entire 23 years of life and my relationship with my toxic dad in a one minute short 😭😭
This way of teaching is SOO good. Its seeing it in action in a way thats really effective.
this, except its almost as if my parents set me up for failure.
I lived an incredibly isolated childhood, I never really allowed to go outside, and if i was, it was never alone. The school system failed me as well and it resulted in me being home more often than not because I couldn't keep up. My father wasn't really there for me emotionaly, and i had 'infinite freedom' inside the house when it came to how long i could game and watch tv for, which my father especially still holds above my head because ''at least we weren't as strict as your friend's parents!" . My mom is deeply traumatised and has always relied on me to make her feel better, but i never could. It's weird, because if I was even the slightest bit sick she would get me help. And at the same time, she preaches every second that she is in pain too, and that im not the only one who suffers whenever I mention how i feel. It's so conflicting.
I've given up on the relationship w my father for my own sake; he's told me lately that he just thinks im a psycho bitch etc etc, so it's not worth putting energy in. At least my mother has been more aware and wants to fix things. Even wants to do systemic family therapy with me. However she still stands by the idea that I just need to let go of things and keeps trying to move me on and going '"Yes I did this, but you did ____'' as if our hurt is the same.
I really can't wait to be free.
my mom is a mixture of this and an emotionally detached parent
if i criticize her or try to point out something she did that was harmful or hurtful it becomes a "well i guess im just an awful mother then" situation that results in me having to soothe and comfort her and the problem never being addressed or if i refuse to do that it can turn into threats of being kicked out etc especially if alcohol becomes involved
im 24 now and this still happens
the only thing ive been able to put my foot down on properly was stopping her from dumping all of her trauma onto me because it caused me multiple mental breakdowns in my teen years
and by "putting my foot down" i mean i just pretended i couldnt hear anything she had to say or would mindlessly agree or say whatever it is she wants to hear or completely remove myself from the environment
but remember, your parent has done nothing wrong and you're the problem in those environments (this is said with intense sarcasm: you are NOT your parents therapist)
we've tried to have her come to therapy with me but its never about her problems and the root cause being linked to her, its just about me not allowing her to behave in the ways she wants to
sadly to the point where once im stable and on my own, i dont really want to have a relationship with her, and in the end i know itll be viewed as my fault
Rather than sports or schoolwork she valued religion. So not only were the goals unattainable, they were also subjective and unmeasurable 🙌🙌
The story of my life. 😔 Doing my best to heal from this and live an authentic life.
Story of an every Indian parents, isn't it?
This is my MOMMMM. Except she never put pressure on me about school, she could care less until I got an F in something, and even then it wasn’t harsh punishment. Just a short talk. Which I didn’t mind when I was a kid, but now that I’m older I really wish I had someone who kept on me and helped me focus
This was my mom but I realized quickly that aproval was un obtainable. So I lost my sense of trust and accomplishment. But I did have a sense of duty which makes me a great caregiver and also un able to care for others without taking damage myself.
I had this huge ephipany at 33 realizing all of these characteristics have been my mom this whole time but she leans to be sweet kind and whiny/needy but I saw it one day and the manipulation and I couldn’t unsee it. My entire family unit had ab explosive 🧨Christmas because I thoughtfully mentioned something that happened to me and everyone felt attacked and made it all about them especially my mother. Sigh. Healing and being emotionally intelligent and empathetic and naive is hard…
I stopped trying to get my mom's approval, after I graduated highschool. I knew that no matter what I said or did, she would always find reasons to put down my decisions about my life, and even throw temper tantrums. Not caring about what she thinks or feels was the most freeing decision I've ever made.
You've pretty much summed up my relationship with my dad. Bringing home straight As from school and being at the top of the class was the only way to win his love and approval.
I enjoy your videos a lot and love their style... I would love you to do a series of showing good enough parenting... not impossible perfect parenting, but real life with parenting mistakes and repairs, and handling day to day parenting. 😀 thanks for your content thus far! X
Great suggestion!
Right in my feels. This is why I've put my relationship with my mom at arms length, I know I'll never have a healthy relationship with her. Feels good to let go and find those I can feel comfortable/trust enough to be close to.
maybe you should do a video about denial and how that passes on through generations!
This is both of my parents, but especially my mother. I never became competitive. I suffer from pathological perfectionism.
If I can't be perfect, I don't try at all. If it isn't perfect, I get yelled at and ridiculed for being a failure.
I couldn't win no matter what I did, so I stopped trying.
Ohhhhh this one hurt bad.
Thanks, Nicole!
fucking masterpiece. can't wait to send this to them.
This is my mom to a tea. 🍵 Another thing she was scared of was when I grew up and offered to help her she just dismissed me so she could keep complaining.
😢 I've just learned I have a narcissistic mother and those words in the suene describe my whole life. That exact feeling of not having a life and the emitional breakdown is excatly what I've been through.
My sister in law did this constantly until she died in her 40s from cancer. She never received the approval she desperately needed, but my mother-in-law blamed her daughter for her own premature death. My mother in law never shed a tear, but tried to claim belongings from the estate and since her daughter could no longer defend herself, she made sure to completely tear down her reputation.
Yup. I deal with that type of family member on a daily. It's exhausting having a conversation with them knowing that their ego will do everything they can to turn it into an argument.😔
This is so scary... seeing myself talking to my precious daughter. Thanks for the opportunity to see what is wrong with my attitude and make changes. Hope it's not too late. 😢
Oh... hi mum 😅. Exactly me, except had my mental breakdown/burnout from over achieving as a teen and became chronically ill. Now disabled and forced to live with her 🙃. They never change
Ugh to this day I have to consciously correct myself when i find myself internally asking things like “but would my parents approve”? Because of course they won’t, because withholding approval to make me keep struggling for it is the POINT and why the best thing I can do is not care what they think, while forming my own values and morals
These are like super concentrated, punchy, powerful shots; hitting right in the reals…. Keep these shorts coming. I love em 🎉
Thanks for tuning in Rob, so glad you're resonating! ♥
I am so lucky. My Mom has always given me unconditional love. TY Mom, I love you too ❤
This little video here is the validation many of us will never get from our parents! thank you so much!
Finally got my parents to do family therapy with me. Hoping it goes well. Most of their issues are around not having or understanding boundaries--thus, not respecting mine or my siblings, and making us feel like burdens a lot. Also doesn't help that my Dad is a workaholic, and my Mum has depression, and all of us are neurodivergent.
This is so spot on. It's a vicious, passed on cycle. Time to break it if you can.
My mom acts like this, pretty much word for word. I was really taken aback.
there was no need to secretly film me and my mom
I'm following your self-help podcast, and it's been really, really helpful- but I was wondering if you have made/are planning on making a video on how to healthily reconcile the anger and resentment that can get brought up during the healing journey while still maintaining a compassionate perspective?
I would love this as well! I constantly feel quite a lot of rage and resentment regarding, well, how unlucky I am to have such parents.
Both my parents grew up with their grand parents, due to their parents having moved to a different country to work there and make money to achieve a better future for them. The fact that each of their parents ended up getting pregnant and bringing a sibling into the world at the new country and that sibling then staying with them, while my parents stayed at their home country, just added to them feeling rejected, at least that's what I believe, not that my parents ever spoke of their feelings... My fathers grandmother, who acted as his mother, also died in a fire in the shed while tending to their life stock, something that scared my father for life and he fled into alcoholism. It is really no big surprise that my parents weren't the best parents in the world, they really didn't know how to be, nonetheless it left an impact on my brother and me, obviously. I am trying my hardest to right those wrongs with my son, I don't always succeed and I feel my parents parenting style seeping through every now and then, but no one is perfect, it's important to be able to see those patterns and change for the better, best as we can.
Yep, got to that mental breakdown quite recently.
Oh. Oh, this explains so much about my dad. This video came randomly across my home page and I'm glad it did. I want to understand, but it's hard to be around him, even in my 30s. Thank you for making this.
Oof. That hit me right in the feelz. Especially because it didn’t loop. It felt like an argument with my mother.
EIP vid. Yea, this made me cry. I know I have to grieve to heal, but it still hurts. So glad I have an adult in me to calm my wounded inner child and know that I'm here for her now. The compassion and awareness we have to have for ourselves is incredibly hard and sometimes I fail. Getting better though the more I do it. Really good video on this subject.
Thank you for giving me ptsd.
Let the flashbacks begin.. again 🎥
I love this channel for how simply you break down patterns through sketches. You know your field inside and out and the reveals are genuinely mind blowing.
Wow you were able to not be uncharitable while still accurately critiquing this phenomenon. It’s a hard line to walk, and I think you executed it perfectly.
Someonenever said to them "well no one forced you to have children and it is your job to feed them, clean them and provide for them. That's the just bare minimum".
I've said that exact thing to my mother and it sadly goes in one ear and out the other. She genuinely thinks that providing for her kids was some sort of gold medal-deserving act of generosity. She doesn't accept that it's the bare minimum because then she'd have to accept that doing the bare minimum was hard for her.
painfully eye opening !! keep ‘em coming ladies , you make such a difference!!
I love these mother daughter videos. They are exactly how my mom acts and reflect what I went through. Thank you
So accurate! The only difference was that I figured out in my teen years that nothing I can do will ever be good enough for her and that I've been living my life just to get her approval. Since then, I've just been depressed and trying to find my sense of self.
Scary, this is my mother to a t. I've seen alot of videos about what these kind of parents can be like, but this was scarily on point with my experience. This was really disturbing for me to see. Thanks for posting
My mom. It’s exhausting and I think our “relationship” has finally collapsed.
Thank you for explaining this dynamic in such a simple way ❤ that really helps.
I’m that parent! And I’m glad I watched this. I’m in therapy trying to break this cycle of dysfunction.
Is it possible for a parent like that to heal? They probably can’t even see it to seek treatment.
This is the absolute best format for getting these points across!
Absolute genius, thank you so much! 🙏❤️
BTW that is verbatim what my Mom would say.
Thanks for your work, it has been very healing facing the emotional abuse and neglecting I went as a Child and knowing the spaces from I 've been operating as an adulto. Infinit thanks
WOW, that's amazing... How you are explaining what we went through . Oh this crazy world...
So glad you're Raven Raven ♥
I love your short videos. Tbey are so helpful. They make it easy to understand painful topics
Dang… you just described my childhood in one minute.
I'm glad I just gave up on getting their approval. Whatever it would have taken was not worth it
You literally just sat there, and COMPLETELY described how my mom reacts... I literally have an online therapy session due to the fact that I am sick and tired of family... But nobody wants a teenage girl to leave her home, regardless of how toxic this gets...
My goodness! You’ve summed up my mother in just over a minute!
were you a fly in the wall of my childhood? too accurate.
My parent was like this, but I never seeked approval, because I was smart enough to know I'm Never gonna get it, because it's not how it works, love is unconditional, and if it wasn't there to begin with, it will NEVER be there, it just has nowhere to come from. I raise my kids in love and respect, guidance, but no pressure, they get to make their own choices wherever they can, they always have my support and I deal with my problems myself without dragging them into it
And the moment I finally realized this is the moment I started quitting. No contact for 4 years so far, and life has flowed MUCH easier!
This makes me so sad. It explains a lot about my mother and father. But even sadder, I see this in myself as a mother too. I adore my kids, but I do feel like a maid, and I guilt them at times. This has helped me to understand my own behaviors and traumas.
Re-enactments are great but this is so heartbreaking.
yea. i didnt care about approval, though; i just tried desperately to make the parents not depressed and see their own worth. at some point i realized it wasnt on me and it was probably never going to happen anyway. my parents are kinda sad inside
Omg, this, and the one with the parent who can't self regulate hits so hard for me. It's like I didn't know consciously but this person did. Ow, maybe one day I'll actually go to therapy.
My parents both in a nutshell but I’ve been slowly breaking that traumatic cycle. I live my own life for my own needs, and I no longer put my parents first because I don’t feel in my adult life, they had put me first *willingly* in anything I did. I made my own choices with going to school, getting two degrees and now I’m actively going to therapy to solve my issues with my family trauma. Don’t give up. ❤
OMG...such a great vid! THANK YOU for teaching people how to be!
Coming from trauma myself, I'm imagining you've had a transformation through the hard, hard work of emotionally transforming/healing yourself (alone or with help)...Thank you for doing the hard work! You are a wonderful inspiration to others!
I live near Seattle and heard of you through a friend in Brazil!
Teaching others how to love themselves will, and is, healing humans from our evolutionary trauma!
I'm on the same team with you! I am finishing grad school, leaving cash rich corporate tech and will change to Psychotherapist as my career. 6 months until I'm done!
I've been hosting a group called Awake Love on Meetup for many years - would love you to join sometime! LMK
Wow! A lot of boxes ticked for me. Thank you.
Damn, this hit home. 💔
This is literally my mom (even the things she says)
and I'm trying to be very careful and aware so I don't be the same. For example, living with my housemates I definitely feel a little sour that I feel like their maid 😭and i have to reframe and remind myself that they are helping in other ways & everything can't be 100% fair
I have definitely caught myself doing this to my daughter, especially as she approaches her teens. It was a staple of my mother's parenting style and I remember how hurtful it was, so I am working hard to notice and correct it in myself. Ugh...
Oh my God, this 😧🥺 the emotional breakdown part… 🥺🙏🏾
My mom had a nervous breakdown at the age of 70. It started with insomnia. It lasted really long time before she started to feel her own poison. I helped her get on her feet, constantly encouraging her to be more active, until I gave up. She is now 76 and she is having the 2nd episode. Now I'm openly talking about her not being responsible for her self, mental health and well-being. She is saying that she is too old, but I really think it's important to do as much as possible even in her old age.
You'll have a breakdown because you're not living an authentic life - FML