My Summary and Takeaways from "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson
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- čas přidán 22. 03. 2021
- In this video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson -- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
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**** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ****
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson -- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
Right now, I'm a mental health therapist in training and I've been reading tons of books to help me support and understand my clients better. Some of these books are really excellent and I thought I'd share a summary and my thoughts since it may help you if you are considering purchasing a book. In addition, it helps me to better synthesize and understand the information if I share it with you before I share it with my clients.
The book I read this time was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. So, I've read a bunch of books about having parents with all kinds of issues: Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, physical abuse, alcoholism, etc. The thing that I like about this book is that it takes all of those different kinds of parents and boils the issue down into one big umbrella trait -- emotional immaturity.
So, the thing is -- kids need things from their parents. The obviously need food, water, shelter, and safety, but in addition, they need emotional connection. People who had parents who were obviously neglectful or abusive probably realize that they have to work through some complex childhood trauma. But for those who had all of their physical needs taken care of, it's hard to figure out why they may feel so emotionally lonely, angry, or distant from others. They can also feel guilty for being unhappy, have a hard time trusting their instincts, and lack self-confidence. I'm going to struggle to capture all of this in one video, but I'll do the best I can to give you the highlights.
First of all, how can you tell if your parent was or is emotionally immature? It's characterized primarily by having difficulties with the strong emotions of others. Some people who are emotionally immature are perfectly fine expressing their own emotions -- even gleeful at times -- although others shut down their own emotions completely. However, both of these types, when faced with a child's disappointment, sadness, or anger, really cannot handle it. They can be so preoccupied with their own situation that they never even notice their child is out of sorts. But when they are actively approached for emotional comfort, they pull away or might even get angry with the child for having these feelings. These parents can be unpredictable -- wise at times and unreasonable at others. They can lash out at any difference of opinion and can get defensive when challenged. They don't have much self reflection and don't accept blame or offer apologies when it's clearly warranted. Some will use their children as a confident, but they will not provide that support back to their child. Does any of this sound familiar? This books give 2 assessment tests that will help you determine your parent's level of emotional maturity and determine the difficulties you may have had as a child with that parent. I think the scoring is a total cop-out -- she basically just says if any of these are true, they are a sign of emotional immaturity. But as a parent myself, it is literally impossible to never do any of these things unless you have the inner peace of the Dalai Lama. I am sometimes insensitive, self-absorbed, and a killjoy, but you are looking for a regular pattern of these behaviors -- and the more behaviors exhibited, the higher the level of emotional immaturity.
I will say that some people have a really hard time labeling their parents as emotionally immature. Particularly if you know your parent had a rough childhood or you watched them struggle and sacrifice to give you what you needed physically. Dr. Gibson points out that it's not an act of betrayal to acknowledge this about your parent. In fact, it may help you to better understand their issues and may result in more compassion towards them. But the most IMPORTANT thing is that having a level of awareness and acceptance of these issues may help you to do something about it for yourself, so you don't continue to perpetuate these unhealthy patterns. . . - Jak na to + styl
"Some will use their child as a confidant, but not offer that support in return" . Exactly my experience. Gutted.
So true.
Omg thats me. And I'm currently pregnant looking for that support but I get none.
Exactly my situation. Now I’m 42 and I’m so angry. I even tried to talk to my mom this week about her never standing up for me and all she did was say “I’ll just put myself in a senior home!!!” No accountability.
Sounds like enmeshment..where the parent leans on the child for emotional support but neglects the child's emotional needs
We can't neglect the fact that few generations ago, the motivation and challenge for most families was food and shelter, physical needs. Only a small percentage could have access to education, and invest to develop their brain. To my perception, we as humans, have physical, spiritual, intelectual and emotional needs. The first two were prominent till 1800-1900. Then it came industry, schools, and nowadays most of the people have access to education, more than ever before. So, we've come finally to understand and develop this fourth need, emotional. How important it is, and how we can repair damages on this area. It's a matter of which level of needs are you trying to meet.
@enida sheme to a certain extent it's true that some families did not have formal education. However before the advent of schools, parents have always educated their child, most people didn't read. They still wanted and did learn through singing, rhymes, stories, listening to people talk about the seasons, about what to do with lambing etc.
This reminds me of something I read in The Anatomy of Loneiness by Teal Swan
This was brilliant. I've been alone my whole life. My parents were narcissists and my sister too. When my dad died I felt nothing. I just remember the cruel comments and insults being left alone for hours as a young kid sleeping under trees and being thumped for no reason. As an middle aged man I have always told my kids I love them and laugh and joke ..but I can't feel love it's like an alien concept instead there is just a hole.
Al-Anon or CR is the therapy we can afford. We don't have to suffer-we were built to heal
Celebrate Recovery , find a meeting near you
www.canyonridge.org/celebrate-recovery
“Can’t feel love” real
@@smileyent.3055 Specially in relationships and some grieving processes, it's really uncomfortable. I lost my beloved dog friend of my adolescence and I felt just hollow time to time, even when I did have shared very special moments with her
Thank you for commenting. I'm starting to realize that people don't have universal emotional responses. I used to think that people ask feel similarly about specific things and their responses are moreso about the rationalizations of those common emotions. Now I'm understanding that even emotions need to be practiced and trained into our minds, that our emotional memories are stored in our bodies. My mother when we were close as a child was very physically effectionate. I got lots of hugs. Her new husband came between us very intentionally and now even thinking about them makes me feel like I'm on fire. I once wanted to hug a friend of mine and he told me it felt like being trapped and mauled by a bear. I couldn't imagine having that response at the time, but now I get it. I thought numbness was a choice and a complex system of walls we built around ourselves intentionally. Talking to my sister now though I see she has never learned to be vulnerable with another person in the first place until her 30s. She always says "I don't have to tell you how I feel because you know" but honestly I don't and I don't think she did either a good portion of the time.
No offence but are you a psychopath in some degree?
The Arab world if filled with emotional immature parent. the struggle is real between empathy and detachment , and in many cases you don't even have your personal space to digest or process or even observe. too many traditions to follow that creates a huge mental illness, where mental health is not even considered. all I can do is to wish everyone in the Arab world and in the whole world to find peace and love. Thank you !
I've noticed that too and I don't even live there or have Arabic parents.
Not only arab world, the same thing in turkish countries. You know, even though our country is kind of free in terms of choice of religion, majority is muslim, so yeah. Can it be a factor? I think yes. I also really want peace and prosperity for everyone, I am in no way try to offence Islam, I am a muslim myself but people really need to adapt to solve all the generational problems.
Find a balance!
All the best
I totally understand what are trying to say. I can only say through my observation ( could be wrong ) the development of society and the shift from muscline society, that holds within it how everyone should behave and the culture of the role play of individuals, is a major influencer to such of matter. the usual response to and direct discussion of emotions is our parents survived such a thing and we learned that from them why should we be different. this kind of reaction deepens and increases the percentage of immature parents. we ourselves could be in some occasions the same even if we already knew the struggle. hopefully we can be aware of that at some point and try to conscious of our reactions and behaviors.@@Sanjay-un1yf
My therapist recommended this book. My mom is emotionally immature. She also burned my feet as a child, tried to get me to drink gasoline, let my pets die, emotionally abusive, and she said this was all because she didn't know any better and due to her anxiety.
Christina, I’m glad you are talking with someone about your childhood. I can’t imagine how a child could begin to understand this kind of behavior from a caretaker. Big hugs for you!
wow you sound like an amazing person to be still functional, keep thriving!
@@katieward5337 Thank you so much for your kind words. ❤
I'm sorry my mom is messed up too how are you
You should have been rescued by Child Protection Services. What a trauma to overcome. I hope you can know Jesus carried you through the fire you've been through. Could it be possible we request all these experiences to develop the compassion we have? HE heals every Broken Heart and wipes away every tear. HE hung on the cross so you could come boldly into heaven to live in abundance for eternity 💞💗
My dad and i were close when i was little. He played trains with me and read me books at night. But then he became withdrawn and never came back. He was depressed, anxious, and traveled a lot for work. He lived in our house, but he was essentially a ghost. We could see him but he couldn't see us.
Omg same thing happened to me!
As a kid I always had strong dreams about running away or for someone to take me away. Now I understand that it was love, care and support I needed. I am not fully healed, but I regularly support and comfort my inner child.
How do you do that?
@@vden02 When I feel sadness, loneliness or just something that negatively emotionally pains me. I picture my adult self hugging my small child self. And I tell my small child self comforting and supportive words. It may sound silly, but it helps me alot to cope. Sometimes if it's real bad I hug a pillow or wrap my arms around myself.
One of my parents was passive and the other was rejecting.
I always knew my mother fits that description because if I even mention that past abuse she starts crying and gets mad at me for mentioning it as if it's my fault. I stopped brining it up of course but it also made me lose respect for her as a parent even though I gave her some slack for going through tough times back then.
Really identified with the avoidant internalizer term
Me too I like to be independent and I was a hero child after parents divorce
My mother was the breadwinner and a workaholic. I don't blame her. She needed to work so she could provide us with our basic needs. In the 80's, shared parenting was not known yet. As the eldest among the three, I was left to stand on my own even when I was very young. I did not share what had been happening in school and my life because I did not want to bother them or add stress to my parents. It is what it is but I am happy that there is a book that I relate to.
This would help me in dealing with life now. Both my parents have passed on and I have no anger towards them. It would be my self-help book.yay!
My mom is neurodivergent & was young & traumatised when she had me and although she can’t help it, and is so sweet and loving and well meaning, it fucked me up exactly like this book explained. Finally, slowly realising this is a huge help on my own way to higher emotional maturity and healing.
I’m an accommodating internaliser, so I’m learning to set boundaries, trust my instincts, and create distance when necessary (and recognising this pattern so I don’t end up in similar relationships anymore).
I ALSO think that my empathy and sensitivity is a strength
Thousands percent, I'm riding the same bus.
Amazing to know. Thanks ❤
Great video! I loved the book and started the last three steps in healing. While reading this book and others like it, I tend to feel like I’m stuck as a victim. Only knowing what happened to me, with little hope. Fortunately after reading this I really felt I could take back my life.
My parents had their first child at 17, and dealt with addiction issues off and since their early life. I can really empathize with why they were the way the were. I do still feel uncomfortable around my father. Even though he’s my only parent now, and has gotten more mature. I always feel a deep sense of pressure when we interact to this day. It’s really complicated. I can see that I’m an avoidant internalizer, although there was been times I have externalized my issue, and times when I was heavily focused on people pleasing, and trying to prove my worth to those in my life. I agree that most people are going to be more complicated that the simple external, internal dichotomy. My parents where definitely fluid in their emotionality. I think I remember them being external more, but that’s obviously going to be what stood out to me, because as a kid seeing the internalizing behavior wouldn’t be very apparent.
Hi Hailey, I hope you are doing well. Thank you for sharing. I can relate so much to the desperate need to prove my worth to those around me.
Hi, thanks for this. I bought that book around 5 years ago and it is very helpful.
My parents are angry and controlling but sometimes happy and positive. They have never got to know me and have no knowledge of who I am. They cut me out of all contact in my entire family for 8 years-then they blamed me. They obviously talk about me to the rest of the family and those people believe what my parents say about me. I am trying to reach out to aunts, uncles, cousins etc after not knowing who or where they are. Some are friendly to me and some are not so friendly. The ones who my parents spend Christmas with are the ones who are not so friendly towards me!
Good luck to you. It’s a hard thing to navigate!
Imagine having a parent or sibling who can swing across the 4 types depending on what serves their needs best. This must be full blow Narcissism no other explanation
Yes, it makes it hard to "think straight" and not always doubt your own perception...
Thank you for this video, I was brought to tears it was almost as if you were talking directly to me. I often times find myself lying about my relationship with my mom to my friends and colleagues, in a way creating a fictional reality where she is good to me. Since she is a very abused and neglected person, I always felt bad for seeing her in a bad light. I am pretty young, soon 19 years of age, and I wonder if you have any book recommendation for how I can live with her. She is emotional and rejecting. I think there has been times where she sees how she can be in the wrong, but backtracks and becomes defensive. Maybe it’s my hopeless delusions that she could one day see me, but still I don’t want to loose hope on her. Thank you again for this video.
Hey, there. Your post breaks my heart a little. I also hope your mom gains the capacity to be who you want her to be for you. Unfortunately, unless she is doing work like you seem to be (reading, seeking therapy, asking for feedback - even negative), the odds are low that she will grow emotionally. Some of this work is putting down the hope that she will be what you want her to be and focusing on providing that to yourself. It’s sad and hard work, but in the end, it helps you to see the world a little more clearly. Good luck and be well.
Thank you so much for your book review. I'm reading it right now with a family member, and we both have problems with our primary parent. I'm in internalizer and he is an externalizer. I relate to having to put the book down and walk away for a few days before picking it back up again. I think my parent was emotion/rejecting. I found your video so helpful, thank you for doing this book review.
You did a great job of accomplishing just what you said you hoped to accomplish with this video. Thanks
you very much! I learned a lot and gained insights into myself and relationships, as a husband, parent and son. Blessings
Well said. You speak very clearly about this. Thanks.
This helped me so much. Both my parents were very much the driven emotionally immature version
Very good summary/review ! ...and the point about the 'avoidant internalizers' is spot on ! Thanks !
I'm currently going through this book and workbook. I appreciate your insights
Thank you for sharing,this is what i want in my mature age having wasted my childhood and young adult life not understanding myself.
I believe every detail is significant. God puts things in our path for our learning. Bit by bit we are being sculpted to become exactly the beautiful creation he had in mind. Let Yourself Go
thanks for the video your work is bringing me clarity from my abuse and neglect.
WOW, what an eye-opener! Stuff I knew but didn't know. Now I know. Thank for you this. I learned more about "everything" in under 12 minutes. Where has this therapist been all my life?!? This was great. Thank you.
Thank you for this very inspiring summary!
Thank you very much for this summary about this book it helped alot. I just ordered the books from Amazon and I'm already feeling confident and ready for healing and self care. Much appreciated. 💙
Wonderful!
I find it helpful listening to Dr. Gibson talk. Thanks for spreading the word.
Thank you so much for your summary
Thank you for doing this review
Accommodating internalizer... That is definitely me.
Was me
This was awesome AND I am glad you brought up that one area that you felt was missed - my mother is a nonreflective person who stuffs all her feelings inside, so I totally got that. I will be buying this book.
A peer recommended the book. I’m a youth mental health caseworker so this should be very helpful in my work
awareness and acceptance towards these issues
This review was extremely helpful. I'm now excited to read it, and it will arrive from Amazon in a few hours.
So helpful thanks for summarizing ❤
This was a great summary. I just heard about this book today. Both mind blowing and validating!! I am so curious as to what happens when an internalizer marries an externalizer 😬😬
Thank You. It’s informative.
My parents are emotionally immature and so am I. But I try super super hard to understand my kids. But it's like they are speaking another language to me and I don't know how to help them. I am very quick to accept blame though which is the opposite of my mom, who hasn't grown much emotionally
Be interested in them. Ask them what stuff they enjoy and listen and engage! But don't cross any boundaries. Kids should still be allowed some privacy.
Listening definitely goes a long way. If you can avoid assigning emotions or motives that they haven’t actually expressed and if you can at least verbally acknowledge what they’re feeling, that goes a long way, even if you don’t think you can fix the problem or make them feel better. Sometimes just being seen is enough.
Definitely became an accommodating internalizer.
Wow... I heard about emotionally immature parents recently and realized that describes my mother but wondered how that might have affected me as an adult. When you described internalizers...that was me to a tee. I definitely switch between the two types of internalizers...
I just started listening to the ebook. I’m in the middle of chapter 2, and I’m finding it’s too long, as I already understand the patterns of an emotionally immature parent. I’m glad I stumbled upon your critique, and I’ll continue to listen, your insight provided to be useful for me to continue with the book. Thank you!
Thanks for doing this summary. I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s books “Why Does He Do That…” and “When Dad Hurts Mom.” They helped me stay sane for me and my child.
Thanks for the recommendation -- I'll add it to my list!
Hi, Laura, thank you for the great book summary. I especially like that you added what the author seem to miss - the avoidant internaliser type. Definitely can relate.
Would you be kind to point me to some other books on this topic, perhaps diving deeper into the inner workings of psyche of an abused child. Or just another authors in this area.
Thank you.
Hi, Ilya. Honestly, any books on complex childhood trauma may be helpful to you. Also, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk and I would also read up on Attachment Styles, since they tend to follow us into adulthood as well. Good luck on your journey!
Hello I’d like to read this book, but I don’t want to hate my parents I know they tried their best but being they also stopped me from growing as a functioning adult. I want to heal and become strong but I also don’t want to hate my parents, I want to forgive and grow
Thanks 🙏🏼
THANKS A LOT
My mother always acts like her kids would be her savoirs and now that we have left to pursue our own goals we are the abandoners. She guilt trips us a lot and even when i tell her how happy and how many things I'm achieving she will get upset and just say how sad and lonely she feels bc we left her.
Thank you
This is a book every human being on planet should read. We would live in a better world.
I has to ask my dad to not start drama at my wedding 6 years ago when I identified my stepdad
My mother started drama with my step mom, among other things.
My therapist recommended this book and after hearing this summary, I can see why
Thanks you have done good justice.... what about the internalizers who externalize their experiences.. or the externalizers who blame everything on others on the surface value, but blame themselves inside
The more I think about this, the more I realize that staying at either end of the spectrum (shame/internal or blame/external) is inherently powerless. Making changes requires a healthy dose of both understanding what happened and taking steps to improve your relationship and life now.
Wow. ThIs was so insightful. I'd like to know more about how I can work on my relationship with my adult children. I was the driven parent who was more like the accommodating internalizer. My x-wife was the emotional parent who was predominately an externalize. Any recommendations?
Hi, Michael - have you thought about therapy for yourself? I’ve found that just one person changing can have a positive impact on the entire family system. As long as you work with a relationally minded therapist, you can start to change patterns that are ingrained for you which may help your relationship with your adult children. Good luck!
Hi lara. Thank you for the summary. Wondering if you have advice on how we can build our social and communication skills? Due to my upbringing, i am never an open person and hence, didn't manage to form meaningful friendships. Now as an adult, it hurts to see my lack of friends and relationships. Hope you could advise how i can be open and vulnerable with others in hopes of forging deep relationships?
Hi, Naq. First of all, I would suggest being kind and compassionate to yourself. Making deep relationships takes time, effort, and emotional resilience. I would just suggest putting yourself out there. Be more social a little at a time and ask a lot of questions and be curious about the people you are trying to connect with. Good luck!
I made a family from the members of my meetings Al-Anon or CR is the therapy we can afford. We don't have to suffer-we were built to heal
Celebrate Recovery , find a meeting near you
www.canyonridge.org/celebrate-recovery
“ Most people don’t come into therapy saying they had emotionally immature parents and I am having difficulty dealing with it” Wow how glib of you.
Hi, Tawni. Can you say more about your reaction to that? Just trying to understand your feeling about it!
Thanks for sharing this video, interested to understand whether this book helps adult children of emotionally immature patents too, and help them with their own emotional immaturity?
I would say that the people this book is most helpful for are those who are seeking change or insight. If the adult child is seeking neither of those, it probably won’t help much.
I completely agree with your last remark. I had to put down the book the first time I began to read it, because the suggestions triggered me. I just could not imagine how on earth I would be able to act like a scientific observer or the like, when talking to my mother (I have two PhD-s, so this is actually quite a strong statement :) ). I just can not think clearly when I am with her. I probably shut down. Beside this I also have a high functioning autism diagnosis. Can this play a role in to what degree I am able to follow Gibsons suggestions?
Everyone’s neurobiology is slightly different, but yes, having high functioning autism could contribute in many ways to having difficulty staying in the moment with your mom. In order to do any of the work she suggests, you’ll need ways to soothe yourself and get yourself back into your window of tolerance. Have you read anything on self compassion? That might help to get you to a point where you can engage with her! Good luck with all of this - it’s hard work.
@@marblejarchannel Thank you very much for your answer! Yes, I have read on self compassion, for example by Edith Eger and Gabor Maté. In many other situations I have become better to become self compassionate already. The issue of boundaries was a tough one - I didn't even understand the whole concept of boundaries until the age of 46 and I still have difficulties with pushy people who have a tendency not to keep my boundaries, and my mother is exactly the prototype of them... when I meet her, I automatically sort of get back into child-mode where I had no say :-( I don't know whether it is worth trying, since she does not want to resolve any issues.
You are on spot! What is your take on 12 Steps Programs such as ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families? I am on my fifth year doing the program. It has been a game changer for me.
I'm so glad that it has been helpful to you! I love any program that has a group element to it and that provides a normalizing experience for traumatic situations.
Confidante, helper, golden child
Hello! Hopefully you can see this comment. I started reading this book because I myself was neglected during childhood, but I can't help to notice that all the qualities that are being demonstrated by the immature parents are qualities that I have right now. I literally see myself in every page that is being talked about the immature parent. So now I am in this dilema if I am the problem, or if my parents were the problem, or both. I am only 21 years old and suffer from chronic anxiety and chronic pain, my anxiety started when I was little and has worsened over time, but I can't help but notice that almost all of the caracterstics of the parents that are brought up in this book are behavior patterns that I have, like it's insane. I do not know what to make of this, and I do not know if I am the neglected child, or the person with poor emotional intelligence, am I the product of my childhood issues with my parents? What am I? Like I literally have all the characteristics of the emotional immature parent, and I am only 21 years old, I do not know what to make out of all this.
Hi, Rodrigo. Your comment breaks my heart a little! What you are talking about is the cycle of inter-generational trauma. It is quite possible for you to have been neglected and also have picked up some of the emotionally immature traits from your parents. After all, how would you have learned emotional maturity in your childhood home? The fact that at age 21 you are already recognizing this means that you have the potential to break this cycle and do better for your own future relationships and children. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist to start working on your anxiety and begin healing. You are someone who sounds motivated and introspective, which will help the process go faster. Good luck! 💜
Thank goodness you discovered this at 21. You can work on it now. I’m 65 and just discovered it from my daughter reading the book and she’s been telling me about how I wasn’t very affectionate or didn’t praise her when she was growing up. I focused on giving her good schools, vacations, dance class, volleyball, and material stuff. Now I realize all she wanted was for me to ask her about her feelings and listen and be loyal to her ideas. I’m working hard now on giving her affection and apologizing when I saw something harsh. I want to grow our relationship and not ruin it. So, do the work so you can have good relationships with your future children and wife. Excellent book!
@naadiramubarak4593 thank you for listening to you daughter. honestly that's all we really ask for sometimes ❤
Self involved parents
So, if you never got that support from your parents/family, how do you go about filling that hole? It sounds like a shift in mindset and goals, but that doesn't quite resolve that felling though.
Since I'm a mental health therapist, I think therapy is the best way to do this, but you can attempt to do it on your own by checking in on your own emotions, regulating them, resisting protective behaviors and supporting and trusting yourself.
Wow
My parents are both emotionally immature they both had hard upcomings my mom is from another country she grew up poor with very strict parents I don’t think she was shown love normally I think she has a lot of mental health problems bipolar narcissistic behavior and my dad has to do what she says even if it effects me and my sisters he only does what she says it’s like talking to a wall he doesn’t give advice for anything he’s to hisself but I think he is extremely depressed he only makes dark conversations and there only together because one of my sisters has disabilities my sisters are a blessing they are very loving but I think I struggle with internal and external issues
Thanks for the video. How about the book: Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy
by Lindsay C. Gibson?
I didn't even know this was out! I'll have to take a look and do another summary!
@@marblejarchannel Published in May 2019
X Needy, angry, vulnerable
Is it normal to get irritated/angry/suspicious when they suddenly do want to know about your life? I feel so guilty but I can't do anything else then give a brief summary and not go into any details.
Of course! They haven't been a trustworthy person to reveal yourself to in the past, so you are right to be cautious.
I found this super helpful except the bit that says you can save 1000's in therapy. Many therapists are experts in this content and can help clients process the pain the book may bring on
Totally agree! I'm actually a mental health therapist, so I'm a little regretful of that statement. Thanks for the comment!
0:30
Dismissive
Cannot provide support as a confidante
30 longer than 2 weeks
Why do parents want to control adult children . I find this disgusting
because they are not able to see anything else than their own needs. This is emotional immaturity. And this (having selfish immature parents, who start acting difficult when the child develops his own needs) is why adult children of such people have many, many difficulties in life. Because they get the message for years from their own parents: you don't matter: your feelings don't matter, your view doesn't matter, what you want doesn't matter, your boundaries don't matter, etc etc, and because they are only interested in themselves (like a one year old child) they WILL demand from YOU that you are interested in them, in their feelings, in their wishes, in their boundaries etc. And if YOU show your feelings or something from your inside, they will do anything to make you conform to themselves. They will manipulate/gaslicht you by saying you are crazy, selfish, hurting them etc. But what they do to you, they really don't care. It's sick and sickening.
Why do dictators want to control the entire population?
2024
My mom threatened to kill herself whenever she couldn't get her way...
All this shit is like 😃 no way there’s a place for people who feel his way
Isn't it best to believe, everyone is doing the best they know? What happens to us doesn't matter, what matters is what do we do with our knowledge?
Yes, I think it's best to understand everyone is probably doing the best they could at the time -- even if impacted us negatively. I also think it's important to acknowledge that you may have needed more and it's okay to accept and mourn that.
@@marblejarchannel could it be that each generation strives to pare away dysfunction, / polish attributes in order to achieve positive progress. Could we be evolving emotionally, each generation in unique ways?
Hi, Karin -- yes, definitely, if I didn't believe each generation could do better, I wouldn't be in this line of work! That said, each generation can't get better unless they seek out resources and do the work in order to break generational cycles. It sounds to me like you are doing this work! So hats off to you!
Sometimes the best “they” know results in physical and mental abuse. This work is important to help people understand and make meaning of why they suffered that treatment and gives them hope for healing.
Manage but don’t engage
Goals, not emotional exchange
Stop now. This is all hindsightian sans historical relevance problemitizing(made up lingo which makes sense-O). It was not too many generations ago that "childhood" as we now recognize it, did not exist. Survival was the name of the game. Chores, contributing to the well being of the family was the goal, not how fulfilled and self aware you were entering adulthood? If you were, good on you, if not, get after it, but don't spend your fricken 30's the victim of yet another thing.
Those damn Phd's of Sociology are why we can't have nice things.
Get on with it bucko and sort yourself out.
If you cant relate thats fine but maybe dont be invalidating of what other people go through.
@@laureneyton-jones5926 It isn't up to me to perform compassion. That's how we got here, where people think free speech is only allowed if you're saying things that don't bother other people.
Trust me, humans can handle reality. Once you're tested, you'll be amazed at what you can rise above. Get after it!
@@terriseverson3873 maybe you missed the point of the video; its talking about how to get over something to then "get after it" as you say. emotions are not new; psychological trauma is not a new age phenomenon and everyone in the past were not better humans because they had other things to worry about. humans are pack animals, and when you grow up feeling vulnerable in your pack, you are going to have defects that prevent you from being the best human you can be. people who try to transcend this arent here to be victims; its about finding a way to rise above. sometimes people need help with that and it doesn't make us weak; it makes us aware. its too bad if you can't see that. you are right, its not your job to be compassionate, but 1. its not up to you to come here and tell people that they are victims and doing life wrong or whatever your point is, and 2. compassion is a strength, not a weakness, and again if thats hard for you to see then thats too bad for you, truly.
@@laureneyton-jones5926 All good points and well made. As you said, no one hired me to speak my mind, so I guess I'm free to do so as a plain old volunteer.
Since you didn't have to pay anything to read what I wrote, it's also fine if you missed my point and wanted to make some of your own.
I'm American, it's a free country.
@@terriseverson3873 i appreciate the ackowledgement and can return the favor; i do understand your point and believe me, nothing irks me more than inaction and a lack of accountability. as much as jordan peterson can be an absolute ass with some of the things he says, i find his speeches on responsibility really inspiring. not to beat a dead horse but as someone who has come from the environment that this book is describing, i can see so clearly in myself and others who were raised like this, including my parents, that emotional scars can be strong impediments to living with intention because they literally hijack the conscious brain and force you to act from the old survival lizard brain. that is not an evolved place to be operating from. my parents for example have no problem ignoring this and will therefore continue to drink themselves to death, eat themselves to death and rage themselves to death instead of become aware. this is their choice but I'm not sticking around to be their whipping post in their bad vibes lives. most of us in the world have free will, thank God. i chose to quit all substances, i run my own business, and i am dedicated to helping the environment and animals. i recognize that the toxicity i grew up with has impacted my ability to stay positive and effective, so i look for tools to help me rise above. the worst thing is people looking for ways to NOT take responsibility for their lives and point fingers at others without taking action. there is a big difference between that and recognizing where the root of a problem is and then working on fixing that while taking responsibility for your own actions and the state of your life.
You don't read a book instead of going to therapy. I think the advice you give is toxic. Your approach is that parents are the enemy. Nothing positive can result from that.
She was quite clear near the beginning of the video that the process can help the sons and daughters to have more compassion for their parents.
Tell me you are estranged from your adult children, without telling me you are estranged from your adult children...
Sometimes it's healthier for an adult child to break away from a parent and adult children should be able to get some support in that very difficult decision. Children naturally want to have a relationship with their parents. It's hardwired into us as small children because we need our parents. It takes a lot to break that desire, but in my case it's been worth it for my own sake.
Parents are not the enemy, but some parents have been damaging to their children, and since adult children are not their parents slaves, they alone have the right to make that decision and do what they think is best.
Parents who act entitled, as if adult children are obligated to have a relationship despite their adult children saying they've harmed them, are displaying the very behavior that's pushed their children away. A disrespect for their children's subjective experience, feelings, and autonomy.
lol you are literally the type of person this book is about.
Parents are not your enemies per se, but in some families children feel more unsafe and stressed out around or when they are with their parent/s and safer with some strangers like the next door neighbour. That sounds scary, but those are the facts for some people unfortunately. Everyone has a different experience with their parents, even siblings experience their parents differently for example if one is treated as a golden child and the other as a black sheep... I find it very helpful to understand those dynamics. Therapist is a great help, but let's face it, your time with them is very limited and they can't feed you all this knowledge in a few therapy sessions.