How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
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- čas přidán 11. 04. 2018
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People-pleasing behavior, while ostensibly pleasant, causes enormous difficulties for us, especially in relationships and in love. We need to grow better able to disappoint others, and to stop fearing calamity when we do so.
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No! 😒😣😤
Great Video!
The School of Life I cannot get to the link to your app
The School of Life I am 19 very old and going out to the working work and I am scared because I don't know what to expect do you have a video or a article that addresses something like this. I'm trying to be brave but the feeling just creeps up.
Always been selfish , always set myself first regardless of anyone s opinion
is that why i enjoy being alone? so i can be who i really am?
Actually yes. People pleasers thrive in non urban places, of wilderness and desolation. They only tend for themselves there. Whenever someone enters their world, then they see how these people shine like true diamonds.
uffff so true
Makes sense
@@mrvic3952 really! This explains so much about a friend who thrives and opts to spend time roughing it in the remote wilderness over city scape settings.
....... Ik this comment is 2 years old, but you rly just put it in to words..... ;-;
Discovering this channel has made me realize how many psychological issues I have.
hahahha we are all damaged and broken in our own ways
Kaoutar Daoudi I hear that one!
You're pathologizing yourself. The "psychologized individual" is a recent ontological shift. Don't believe the hype.
Weak
Fanny Z Mines too🤣🤣✌️
Learning to say “no” calmly and confidently has done me more good than thousands of hours of therapy
I wanna learn too, please share the sources or teach us.
@@sarahparker5418 me too
This is what I am now working on xx keep well all
@@sarahparker5418just decide never to lie. Try always say what you want and how you feel. Thats it.
would you have been able to say "no" without those thousands of hours of therapy?
I was a people pleaser almost al my life, I was always called as such a nice and loving person who’s kind to everyone. Once I stopped being that and attended to my own needs and happiness I suddenly became an angry,moody and needy person! Funny how people will love you until you become yourself
Rings so true.. I’m in the process myself and I fear that it will push the few friends I have away. But come to think of it “angry, moody and needy” sounds like what my ex was like and I still loved her despite of it. I’m afraid to loose people I love, like almost anybody, hope is that truer relationships are ahead of us after this process, with our current loved ones or without. Staying a people pleaser feels to me like it is not an option since it will inevitably means ending up frustrated and feeling alone
You said it right, and this explains why we do this: to be loved by people putting a mask on and mirroring their desires
Yep
This is the BS society feeding us: Forgo our authentic feelings, needs, and wants.
that's because you lied about yourself.
A relation is like a contract, you gave information so the other know what they are investing in, and then once the relation settle you reveal that these information were false.
Of course the other party feels wronged.
Sounds a lot like me... I feel immensely guilty whenever I so much as _think_ I've caused someone even the slightest bit of displeasure
Flurry Heart
Hey any well-meaning help/advice is always welcome! Thanks for the recommendation I'll check them out!
thanks to both of you for a genuinely kind and respectful online exchange ... very heartening :)
applewitheveryone I understand this feeling very much! I've been in therapy for a year now and it's a slow process to unlearn but it's possible should you wish to make that change any time.
Just be sure to give the reason why you "displease" them
Me too. :(
I was once a people pleaser until I began to realize that people were taking advantage of my kindness and when I needed help from those I have helped they never even bothered to help me. I got tired of it.
Alana Nicole I’m caring for someone with cancer. He’ll be fine, but you really learn how everyone is. His own sister wouldn’t get up an hour early for him.
Yes.. Takers and manipulators galore. Don't cast your pearls before swine. I did..and now my cup is empty
Ive been feeling this way a lot recently its so hard to get out of it but im working on it
@@MrMootube1000 me too... It's really hard, because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings, and I don't want them to hate me for disagreeing or refusing to help.
Pleasers need to gather and synergise while leeches can keep their selfish world for themselves... 😵😵😵
What angers and frustrates me is. Ppl will ask and expect things of you that they themselves wouldn’t do in return if you asked. There’s no mutual respect.
Yes!!!!
When you exhibit submissive behaviors like being a people pleaser of course people are going to take advantage of you, especially those that are predatory (i.e. assholes and bullies).
My mother always said, it's not the crazy one that asks, it's the crazy one that gives. A lot of people will just try/ask, and you forget that 'No' is also an answer.
Yes, exactly this!! This is what really gets to me. My partner will expect me to do things (bits of housework etc), and tell me so, but they're not willing to do it themselves when i say the same in return. That is the root of this problem, the golden rule - you can't ask (or demand) that somebody does something for you, if you're not willing to do the same for them.
Wish I had learned to set up boundaries from an young age
People get so used to you being a people pleaser.... so when you start to change your habits, and put yourself first more often, those around you get upset with you, leave you and tell you off for having changed. And that’s the hardest bit to overcome. Choosing between working on yourself and risk losing people OR staying as you were so you don’t end up alone.
Yep yep, its even tougher when those people are you coworkers or worse family members that you see every day, so they say you changed and think you're better than them and make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself and you want to just avoid them but you can't cause they're part of your daily life.
Or accusing you to be an egoistic person
Yes, therefore changing your surroundings helps.
It’s because they are upset that they can no longer “use” you. If they are upset about you doing what is best for you, they were never good for you to begin with. Love yourselves with the passion that you love others first so you can share the best and most true version of yourself with them. 😊
In a case like this
You were always alone
You can choose to be alone with yourself, or being alone while parasites suck the life out of you
Being around people doesnt mean you become any less lonely
I've been a people pleaser basically all my life. But I don't do it to make others happy. I do it out of fear of how they will respond towards me, which I guess says a lot about my childhood. I'm always scared if I don't go along I will be hated, abandoned, ridiculized, judged, that they will get the wrong idea of me forever, or will be angry at me and I can't stand that feeling. I'm terrified of even upsetting a stranger, even if I never see them again. It is something that has affected me my whole life, leaving me feeling powerless and resentful. People usually take advantage of me or disrespect me because they know I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. This always leaves me with inmense regret for all the things I could have said or done differently to defend myself. This also hurts my self esteem and confidence. And it sucks because the only thing I know to do to protect myself is to close down and not open up to people, and even though it saves me the trouble of being used it also leaves me feeling very lonely and like something is wrong with me. But when I do open up even a little bit my trust is usually broken and there I am back again at square one, building my walls back up. I just feel like I need to protect myself from the entire world, I'm scared of being unpleseantly myself. This is the reason why I don't have any friends and have also never dated anyone. I'm only close to my family members because I have learned to stop trying to please them lol. Man, I don't know why I'm pouring out like this in a comment section, but this video really opened my eyes. I'll do my best to change this and finally be happy, even if that upsets others.
Oh man I relate so much to this. Just reading and thinking about all the wasted years and opportunities of being myself, of making real friends, of having fun, makes my heart burn in pain. Regret is the worst feeling in the world. I hope I can change this in time so I can look back by the end of my life and still feel proud of what I achieved and did in life.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I constantly try to please others as I fear rejection above everything else.
Are you sure you were not raised by narcissist parents? I was and they ruined my life. I have been a people pleaser out of fear and learned helplessness. Now I'm recovering but I attract any psycho around and I'm changing a lot. There are many videos to find out if any of your parents have narcissist traits. You probably are not weak but they made you to believe it so they make sure you will serve them forever.
felt
This is me. Going through the same, the stage is tough but I will make it.
It's better to be hated for being who you really are rather than pretend to be someone in order to be loved.
This needs to be on a billboard!!
its not
Saying this is easy, but convincing myself that this is true is very hard.
Your comment 4 years ago might make a massive change in my life, I just thought you should know that. Thank you
I want everyone to love me if someone hates me there going to be blackmailed
Having low self-esteem/no self-worth, social anxiety and being a people pleaser/pushover/doormat might be signs of childhood emotional neglect. Did your mother provide basic needs, such as, food and shelter, but fail to provide love, warmth, physical affection, an emotional bond? A loving mother helps build the child's identity, a neglectful one might lead to people pleasing behavior. Because the child lacked unconditional love from her mother, she yearns for that love and acceptance through appeasing others, while suppressing her own needs. Your needs are important and should be put first. Try therapy to build confidence.
Don't forget fathers with anger management problems. You end up becoming hyper vigilant, sensitive and people pleasing.
It's a hard habit to break.
That hurt a lot.
That was a mind opener
This..this hurts.. 😔
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 any parent that constantly yell at their child and not showing the proper love create people pleaser
I don’t think the “People Pleaser” necessarily has malicious or insincere intent. Sometimes it’s just a matter of having very low self esteem. I know someone who is a real sweetheart and does MANY kind things for others-but who was abandoned by her father as a young child. I’m guessing that need to please is to ensure she is liked enough in order to not be abandoned by friends.
i think it's part of narcisism. narcisist creates circle of people who have to agree with him/her. usually empathic person becomes the people pleaser. basically if you are nice guy by nature you get screwed over the most. and it's sad because who has time for this crap. i feel for people pleasers
The people pleaser participated in self betrayal, in order to belong, or not be abandoned. They consider others needs more than their own...except their need to be liked, not rejected etc.
They continually dismiss, ignore, invalidate, themselves, in order to "please" others. Such an incredibly steep price to pay, for pseudo-connection. As a result, the people pleaser has resentments, doesn't feel seen/heard/known, and as a result feels very lonely. They don't see their role. Definitely, it is a learned pattern to get-along, to survive the family dynamics etc., however it will ruin relationships until the person addresses the issues.
To reprogram the subconscious, heal the core wounds, and question the narratives (the meaning we give things...that is often false), call out cognitive distortions, and therefore clear our lenses of ourselves and others...is how a person can move into their own authenticity.
To have self agency and advocate for one's needs, is so empowering.
To be able to state needs and boundaries, clearly and confidently...and know you are showing up for yourself, is incredible. To know that the people who are meant to be will be the ones who honor you for yourself, and not for a facade of people pleasing, is amazing!
@@Alphacentauri819 This is some great practical advice man, where'd you learn this? I'd like to learn some more and heal myself
I was raised to always treat others with respect and be kind to everyone. I think somewhere in my early life I took this too far and wanted everyone who came across me to have a pleasant experience with me. I later realized that is highly unrealistic as we are all different and no matter how kind you are to someone, it doesn’t mean they mesh with you or have to like you. And that is totally okay! I feel as you get older, you start to realize that.
I agree I think as you age you start you realize it's not a good thing to people please
Thank you.
Yes I couldn’t agree more
Brian Tobias You are right, it is totally okay, not the best option in theory of 100% perfect life we all like to imagine if we have 100% good intent, but it is in this life and coping with people in this life. Education level, stubbornness, greed, low love drive and self centeredness I think is what causing irrational and savage behavior, people's choices are often not based on bringing a positive contribution into the society as whole. In my opinion life isn't just about personal profit, and okaying everything that happens now a days is becoming a little more difficult? Yet, I do too contradict my self a little, but on the positive thought, it was just as difficult back in the day with the way most people thought, because people still think the same way. My favorite expression is "we are hard-pressed in every way, we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out". That is what keeps me going I guess, though most people can care less about what I think, some people just plain and simple sometimes are ready to beat me up again for the sound of my voice. Hahaha...
This exactly
Ouch, this hits very very hard...
I felt like he was talking directly to me.
wwwKx yea I feel you.
Sad nigga hours
Same
same
"We can be pleasant without being a People Pleaser." Nailed it!
Being a people pleaser is really exhausting. For me is like having many different personalities at the same time. I noticed that being a people pleaser is a serious problem for me... Because... I do not know who am I anymore. I do not know what I like, what I do not like, what I am passionate about, what I hate... I do not know myself at all.
I feel like a camaleon, I feel like if I could be anyone you want me or need me to be, I can become your reflection, your dreamed friend, your lover.
For example, do you like rock? I love it! Do you like animals? I want to become a veterinarian! Do you like politics? I am an expert at international politics! Do you like philosophy? That is my favorite hobbie!!!
Are you into bdsm? Me too!!!
I had done SOO many things that I did not like just because I just could not say NO to other people... And I feel ashamed and guilty for all that. I had been cruel, a slut, a nerd, a drug user... Just because I can't say no. I had totally betray myself in the past. Now... I do not know who am I...
I really want to change, but it will be a big challenge for me... After all... Being a people pleaser is part of my soul.
I just do not feel worthy of having my own opinions, worthy of happiness or honest love. Is like everyone else were much more important than myself.
my exact thoughts recently... using the quarantine to get to know my actual self....
Ask God. He created you into this awesome, complex person unique in every way. Psalm 139.
Don't think I've ever pleased anyone as I always say it like it is + shrug it off
I was the same especially to friends but I became closer to God and now I know my identity is a child of God. Now I feel more like I'm not out to please people but I do want to do right by God and sometimes that is in opposition with what people want of me. Now instead of wanting people to like me, I am more scared of people disliking me. I'm still a work in progress but at least I now know how to say NO.
I realized this a bit late from my own experience. It alright. I hope you can find your own true self and understand them. One of the strongest key here for you to recover or start healing is by stepping away from those who aren't good for you. Cut them off if you could, especially those who do more harm than being helpful towards your own being.
Healing takes time. You can mourn and grieve for all that you've done, but learn to have self compassion and slowly move on. Promise yourself that you can be a better person, better than who you were yesterday.
It will be alright. I noticed this is an old post from you, but I hope you're doing fine. You'll get through this. I believe you'll reach that point where you can happily say that you're comfortable with your own self and love yourself for who you are. Believe in yourself more, dear stranger. You deserve it.
Have a great day.
Edit: You dont have to be anyone's anything. If you have that ability, just imagine how amazing you can be if you could do that to your own self. Be your own good friend, treating yourself with something special, heck even act like a parent to yourself. You sound like you have a good soul. Dont waste it on other toxic people. You've gave them enough. I know its hard to draw a line, a boundary, but you really need it. I've done it, and I really wish I could understand it sooner. Its not too late for you. There's hope. Dont give up on yourself.
Just because your heart is in the right place doesnt mean your brain is.
H4WK69 wow, that made me think
One day I might quote you ;)
Correct
Well said !!
This one is so good. Thank you.
How do we get over those feelings of unworthiness? I feel like I need to please people in order to 'earn' their love. And if I stop pleasing them, they will surely leave or disappear. And the world seems to teach me that over and over..
By getting to know yourself. That is, by accepting your feelings about things that you like or you don't like. For example, you may think that, if you like rock music, that is going to make you accepted in a certain group of friends. But you have to ask yourself, is that true for you, do you really really like rock music, or do you like it so that other people might percieve you as a cool person. People can feel when you are faking it, usually because you say you like it, but you can't tell why you like it.
I had the same problem, and what I did was, I started observing how I really feel when I do things, that I thought I liked. And the truth was, I didn't like most of them. I did them to please others. Haveing figred that, then came the hardest part. Finding what I like. It was hard because I never did it before, and I didn't know how to do it. So what I did was, that whatever I have tried, for example, watching Rick and Morty, I made an honest opinion of it. I went beyond the "I like it" or "I don't like it". I wrote a whole paper and tried to articulate, why I like it and why I don't like it.
So basically, I just started thinking, and that made me have a genuine opinion. And when I could argument my observations, people suddenly started to listen to me, to talk to me, to ask me more, and that just gave me the confidence to do it even more, and to slowly loose the anxiety that I have had before.
You will loose the feeling of unworthiness when you will put a lot of effort into knowing yourself. You are gonna feel worthy, but in order to feel that, you must get fullfilled. And that requires hard work and dedication. I can also understand now how hard it is to do all this, when you are already depressed and loose interest in stuff, and develop addictions or just stay in bed for a whole day. Try to motivate yourself and keep in mind, that it is a long lasting process. The results for me started coming after months, and they were really rare at first. But now after three years, I can feel them almost every day, because I try to learn something new every day, and share it.
Socrates left us a very true quote, where he said, with following words, that you have to get to know yourself in order to have a rich life : "The unexamined life is not worth living".
I hope this makes any sense. This is the most I can tell you, I tried to keep things general, beacuse the particulars only apply to me, as I see world through my own eyes, and give you any concrete advise would be just plain stupid. So try to figure out the rest by yourself :)
Self Affirmation
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with others. I have come a long way this year in regards to becoming familiar with myself and finding comfort in who I am, but I still feel like I have a long way to go in order to reach the place I want to be. I'm going to copy/paste your words of encouragement in my notes. thank you for being a genuinely good person
Hey, no problem, I'm happy to help anybody with these kind of problems, I know how bad it feels. I hope you get where you want to be. And don't for the sake of your own good make the same mistake that I did, pretend that you are already there, when you are not. And when you get there, remember to keep going.
I think it helps to practice thinking of your own self-worth. instead of basing your worth off of what others think, try to think about yourself and what you think is worthy about yourself. you know yourself better than anyone, and can be a good judge. think about things like "do I try hard?" I bet you do, then you can say to yourself "I am worthy because I try hard in life" "I do my best" "when I make mistakes I try to learn from them and get better" stuff like that. It sounds cheesy, but it can also work! try to talk to yourself the same way you'd encourage your own child, be a good parent to yourself, be kind to yourself.
Problem with this is as a people pleaser you end up being drawn to people who can and like making decisions because you've spent your whole life never truly deciding what you want. In response to this when you do start putting yourself and your feelings first you often then clash with those people you've spent a lot of your life with because they aren't use to you putting your opinions out there and it's scary to think about those friendships or relationships ending in response to you changing.
1. Remind yourself that most humans can cope with contradiction, unwelcome information or occasional rejection.
2. Understand side effects of this behaviour. You are endangering people around you by not speaking frankly
3. Be artful about difficult message you to impart. Be firm in youe views but extremely genial as well. Craft your raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. Example-
Say no, while indicating that you mean a lot of goodwill.
Say someone is wrong, without implying that they are an idiot.
Leave someone, while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us.
Be pleasant without being people pleaser
Thank you TSoL. Thank you very much
Profound comment. Being pleasant, cool and chill leads to good results
Nice
I love when commenters summarize videos. 😊 Thank you!
Wow, I’ve been thinking about it lately. How being born as the eldest child makes me a perfectionist and people pleaser in order to gain attention. I have been stressed out a lot because in many situations I can’t please everyone, but I still try to, and give up my own happiness just so others would like me more. Thanks for this video, it is very helpful. :)
Kookie Cookie same and they were right on spot with the whole past and dad thing
Lol almost hits a little to close to home
Kookie Cookie wow! this must be exhausting! I pray u are able to turn that around! 😊😊😊
This reminds me of Jimin.
r kim I know, the newest episode of Burn The Stage showed Jimin crying because he made a mistake while rehearsing. He is an angel and deserves all the love
That is who i am also.
This is completely me. It's awful, I might say. I try to be as neutral as possible, try to be as quiet as possible, try to be the best person of all to anyone. In childhood, I never could reply my bullies, actually, I always tried to be a very cool person to them. I always liked to draw and make art, so in art classes all my bullies would come to me and ask "would you like to draw it for me???" and I knew I couldn't say no. I'd be bullied again. I think this might be a factor that made me grew up like this.
It's too fricking hard to me to say "no". I always say "maybe", "perhaps?", "who knows?", "maybe I'll want to do it later".
Sellers, specially street sellers, LOVE me. They'll show me whatever they're trying to sell and I can't say no. It's awful.
These and many other situations are like this to me. And you know what is at stake? My own personality. My own originality. My own opinions. I try to hide it all and be a chameleon. But it is so exhausting. It is like having multiple characters with masks and portraying these lots of unique characters to each person possible, to be the "pleaser-est" person to each one. It's. Tiring.
Thank you so much for this video, I think it's a little-discussed subject. I'm trying my best to change it in me, it's hard, but I try.
Fun fact: my username KensoulEu is a word play with the Portuguese phrase "quem sou eu?" (that is pronounced like "ken soul eu?"), which means "who am I?": it's a reflection of that behaviour. I prefer to be cryptic and be "discovered" for people, then I can mold myself to them.
@@akaki4381 I hope you don't mind my trying to reply, as I actually feel the same as KensoulEu described. I believe the answer to your question is in both of his messages.
The biggest problem for me is that, having tried to be polite with everybody around, to please my relatives, friends and even strangers, to be "a good girl", I lost myself. I've got used to hide my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. It's tricky, because now I really don't know who am I and what do I want/like.
Wearing the masks 24/7 is exhausting, and it's also a blind alley. Being a pleaser is actually playing hide-and-sick with yourself. It has aggravated my psyhological problems and provoked a range of psychosomatic illnesses.
Another problem for me is that I haven't learnt to cope with my emotions properly, as I always hid them.
And yes, it's damn hard, almost impossible to say NO, thank you, but I don't like/want/need it, I won't do it (especially when it comes to family members).
But I think that awareness of the problem, acceptance and the will to change something/everything are a real milestone. Although it's difficult, I am on my way))
I hope this helps.
I can relate to this too. I think my biggest problem is unable to express myself. Because I can't express myself, I just stay quiet if I am troubled by something because I sometimes I can't even pinpoint what's bothering me. So it ends up just eating me up inside unbeknownst to me. Aaaaaand then I end up with a lot of repressed anger. What a vicious cycle.
@@ChiaraOdessa hey i really feel u im in the same place as u these days im tryna to love myself and do things for me not for others amd really seems hard cuz i dont really know who iam or what i really want to be cuz ive been years torturing myself by pleasing others and living for them and making them first loving them and respecting them more than i do tomyself and these days its also hard to convince myself that i dont need their attention or love to complete me and its hard cuz i dont really know who iam rn i really lost myself but i try to keep on going i hope ull make too believe i really know what ur talking about and i hope we can help eachother if u want u really seem like someone with beautiful soul
@@ChiaraOdessa Wow... you just described me. Especially the "I got used to hiding my thoughts/feelings, and now I don't even KNOW what I think/feel" part. It really feels like I'm an empty shell of a person. I don't have any desires or wishes to do anything in my life, if it doesn't include somehow helping other people. I always felt this, but wasn't quite sure what it was. Now I guess I know. Hopefully it can change.
Anyways, thank you for this comment, it really resonated and has helped me find perspective. Best wishes.
It took me a long time to realize where my people-pleasing tendencies came from. I realized the root cause was my family all along. My parents constantly had horrible fights and were extremely abusive to one another, and my mom was very abusive towards me as well. It caused me to develop anxiety and become afraid of conflict, so I turned into a people pleaser from an early age. Only after I moved out and cut off my family from my life I managed to overcome my fears and gained confidence to assert myself.
Being a people pleaser really affected my mental health and my relationships with people. I started to become used and abused by people.
Me too! Not anymore. I'm done playing nice. I can't always be a good girl. If you can't handle a real woman, with her own opinions, etc. then hit the road!:
Same i literally became depressed because of it i really want to get out
Needless to say I cried during this video for how close to home it hit. I just found myself portrayed in this video, sacrifying myself to please others to gain the love I didn't have from my peers when I was younger. I'm constantly trying to make others happy in hope that, in turn, it will make ME happy. And even if I'm beginning to realise how harmful my behaviour is, I can't help but do it, fearing that if I stop, they won't be friend with me anymore. But deep down I know it's not true, deep down I know that I am not in the same toxic environment as I was in my earlier years but the fear of rejection still blinds my common sense...
WiButterfly I can’t help you because I’m in the same boat. In currently working on it. I’d kill my self for others and it’s just not right. We’re going to get through this I think it just takes baby steps. Saying no in kind , maybe even goofy ways. Not wearing yourself out or acting happy. If people say your acting weird , are you sad? Say no I’m fine. Eventually , people will adapt to the new you that isn’t killing your self to be something your not. People can’t help it it’s natural. They see a change , say somebody , then get used to it .
Something *
Venus yeah I think we need to so this because a radical change would be impossible even if I wanted to!
I'm definitely a people pleaser. And I've just recently come to try to break out of it. And I'm much much older than you. What helps me is finding a friend that I can really really trust. Normally, I don't talk to anyone. But just having one person you can be real with.
@@wibutterfly8352 Now I can confidently say something mean or hurtful to u,knowing fully well dat u wnt retaliate,...,coz u r a ppl pleaser...
Mama always said, "better to be an honest psychopath than a dishonest psychopath". She taught me real good.
Lol
This was me for most of my life until I realized I’m incapable of making real connections. Nobody was ever there for me in return. It took a lot of self loving, forcing confidence, acknowledging and accepting my upbringing, yes this behavior comes from trauma.
People know when you’re being fake. As soon as I started to be more genuine, my friends treated me better, and I started getting real friends who loved me for who I am. That’s infinitely better than a fake relationship where I think I’m accommodating but the other side just sees the fakeness. Trust me fellow people pleasers, the uncomfortable journey is worth it.
I know a few people pleasers. The thing is, they are all so afraid people won’t like them or will leave them, if they act genuinely and make choices that they want rather than what fits other people’s expectation of them.
But the truth is, all you’ll lose are the people who want you to stay a certain way to serve their own purpose, whether it’s a material purpose like doing things for them, or an emotional or psychological purpose, to affirm to them what things they desperately need to be true to feel good about their own life.
And instead, you’ll become visible and more interesting to people who don’t need you to be any of those things, and want that you just bring forth what your actual self has got to offer. These make much better friends. I’m one of those kinds of people.
Don’t live your life playing out the bit parts others assign you in their movies where they decide the main character is them. Don’t even live life playing this movie nonsense even if they cast you in an important role like ‘love interest’. The key is to walk away from people who see life in this narcissistic way, period. I promise you, walk far enough and you’ll find a vast world of genuine people who live real lives by sharing them with each other in sincere ways.
I suffer the same , how to fix myself?
@nurainiarsad7395 Profound comment!
For all the people pleasers, there is hope. At about 37 I started getting absolutely sick of myself and grew a backbone. I am 42 now and so much more successful in my personal relationships snd my career. It gets better if you do the work! Seek therapy (medication if needed), gain confidence by pursuing your interests and hobbies. As you put the tools into practice, you FEEL the results and release of anxiety immediately. Yes, I had to let go of people I loved who were there to take advantage of my desire to please; be prepared to see some hard truths regarding how loved one really feel about you when you stop saying yes all the time. But 5 years later and I regret nothing. Best of luck and fortune to everyone here ❤
I am a people pleaser and i am absolutely terrified of not being one. It's my father, he raised me with strict expectations that I could never violate. I became this as a result: yes sir outside, wanting to kill the person on the inside. I hate myself.
I'm on the same 'people-pleaser' boat. I can understand how you feel, being terrified of not pleasing a person because of how they may react. But I've slowly realized it's an irrational fear we have. We fear other people's disapproval, because we think it will hurt us. The mere thought of such reaction provokes us anxiety. Then, when we are unable to be ourselves or express our needs, it is inevitable to feel remorse and to dislike ourselves. Because truly, to please others, is not an act of self-love. It is self-denial. I think, like any irrational fear, we have to approach it slowly. Question the irrational thoughts. It is not the end of the world if you say no to someone, or to pleasing them. For example, you can start by simple things like if you go to the movies and everyone liked the movie but you hated it, you can express that to them 'no I didn't like it'. Then you can move on to more difficult things. Remember, when you are pleasing others it's like you're saying no to yourself. To feel good about yourself, you have to say yes to you. Start slow, learn who you truly are and it will get clearer. Stay strong :)
Brenda x I appreciate your thoughtful comment. Yes we have pick apart the irrationalities in our fears to break free. At the same time being careful not to tip over to the other extreme i.e. displeasing everyone. I am trying to achieve that healthy balance.
Let your yes be your yes and your no be your no.
But think about this. In a war, those who sacrifice emotion for the training and prepare for battle are the ones who stay alive. Your dad didn't want you to become weak, and instead he influenced you into pleasing everyone by saying yes, when he needed to tell you to fight for yourself and your needs first!
Ahmed pretty much the same except it was my mother.
In my opinion, if you grow up in a disfunctional family, you meet those type of people also in adult life. Because this is the pattern you are used to. If you understand the dynamics of your family of origine, you can change your behaviour. And for the first time in your life listen to your own needs......
♥
The amount of terribly uncomfortable situations I could’ve avoided avoided if only I had the guts to say NO ......
"We can say no while indicating that feel a lot of goodwill. We can say someone is wrong without implying that they're an idiot." Oh my... Those words are so impactful to me. Thanks for bringing this video to my life.
People-pleasers like myself tend to have a “right” and “wrong” labeled on how they treat others. We tend to believe there is a “right” way, a single solution to making everyone happy around us - to always be nice and not offend anyone. That was one big lie my parents taught me to live with for many years. The reality was that I didn’t give a crap to making everyone happy, I was only afraid to deal with their unhappiness.
As much as how people deserve happiness at times, they also deserve unhappiness. If there should be a present for a child on his birthday, then there should also be a punishment for him missing laundry day. Because he deserves both.
Forget about the “right” and “wrong” next time and treat others how they deserve to be treated.
THIS. This duality was so revolutionary to me...
I shouldn't be the only one trying to make someone laugh, THEY should do it too,
I shouldn't try to hide parts of my personality they don't have in common with me, they should be curious about it
I shouldn't be the only one who have to fill the silences in a conversation, sometimes you should stay quiet so THEY also make an effort to entertain you,
Because the sad thing is, they will end up being tired of you, label you as one dimentional or takes you for granted..
it's all about balance, we all know too much of a good thing is always unhealthy but for this one it was hard to learn
Aren't all asians people pleasers thus making this a cultural thing?
Yup
"hen there should also be a punishment for him missing laundry day. Because he deserves both. " Jeez, no.
Hmm I only partially agree. The problem with people pleasing is that we can't seem to find our own happiness just as important as everyone else's. So we'd always rather deal with our own unhappiness, because that's something we can control and are used to, than someone else's. That becomes an even bigger problem, when the person doesn't deserve the unhappiness, which is mostly the case, but you might still have to bring it onto them by staying true to yourself. Exactly that is the problem with people pleasing. Having to make deserving people unhappy because you can't/don't want to meet their expectations.
Ok but can we also appreciate how good the animation style is?? It's really unique and cute.
Yes I was totally thinking the same! There's something about it that feels nostalgic and is super soothing to look at. I want to see more!!
"I don't have to be a pleaser if I'm by myself."
That's how I ended up rationalizing this. I'm 29 and hate myself for always go around trying to stay out of trouble *while* always trying to come up to everyone's expectations. I've been raised to never say "no", or "I don't know"; either I know the answer, or I will search it up the answer. My parents call this "acting in good faith", and "caring for others". In any case, this made me develop trust issues.
What kind of parenting is that lol?
The part about searching for the answer is exactly like me.i always feel so ashamed for not knowing something or when i cant help someone.
I was a people please because I thought it was the only way of being loved and accepted...to pot it very simply. But I'm in therapy and learning how to express my desires and be more real.
2:10 to 2:37 is like my childhood in a nutshell. My parents weren't abusive, they had things going on in their lives. An alcoholic father and a mother suffering from a burn out. They didn't need a child who would add to those complications, so I didn't make a fuss and honestly, never even developed desires of my own. I'm 28 now and I still have no desires in life. In hindsight, it messed me up, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do...
Ziorac Same here. I am ADD and my parents weren't ready for it after having my perfectly functional older brother. I grew up with people disappointed in me, and I dropped out of college to their futher dismay. Now I'm 26, sitting at my parents house having never developed my own desires, wondering what the hell I should do with my life.
David, wow are you secretly me from two years ago or something? I mean, I don't have ADD, but I do have a functional younger sister, am 28, living with my parents after dropping out of college and also have no idea what to do with my life. I grew up never having an answer to the 'what do you want to be when you grow up' question.
Right now, I don't want anything from life and I figure I might as well be dead, except my people pleasing is keeping me from killing myself because I don't want to hurt people... I am alive only because I want to please others. Which is not great.
Ziorac, Of course it seemed the right thing to do. Because as a child you were dependent of your parents. Otherwise you didnot survive living in a unsafe environment. Now as a adult, you can learn your own needs and listen to them.
Sterre Hera, my living environment wasn't unsafe. They weren't abusive, just pre-occupied. They loved me, cared for me and while they admit now I got away from them, it didn't feel like it at the time. I had all I needed, except maybe enough love, but that's not unsafe, that's unfavourable.
How do I learn my own needs when I have none? When I grew up without them and have no idea what to even listen for? I feel like I didn't learn a vital thing growing up and now I can't learn it any more. (I'm seeing a therapist for this and other things, by the way.)
Ziorac. Maybe the word abusive is wrong. I had a lot of therapy for people pleasing etc. I learned that as a young child you have the right to be loved and get enough attention. That can feel unsafe. We didnot know that at the time. I also had everything. Except supporting parents who would listen to my stories and my mental needs. Read more about Codependency on You Tube. Good luck!
Literally had a panic attack because I kept saying "YES, I'll do it for you no problem" When in actuality I barely had time to even eat a decent meal. Even if I really really didn't want to do something I get bombarded by the thoughts of how disappointed they would feel. It is not as simple as just saying NO. Believe me I have tried. Their response : It would mean the world to me, you would be helping so many people , come on, sure you have time. etc. The consequence: Because I keep saying yes , they keep asking for more. Ugh I hate this cycle.
스테이샤 And for this reason, I’m done with the ride. Today someone is going to try to make me do something I’m dead set against and I’m not backing down because it’s not good for me. No more depression and shitty days to please someone.
Culture wants so from you. To be a robot. So people snap. Take everything they have and blame themselves. If you were in the woods and you needed to stay alive, who would you please? Bear? Wolf? Life among humans is just like that. Bear sometimes retreats when you stand up and roar back. Other times attacks but statistic is on the side of those who fight back.
Other thing is love. How do you love yourself? For what you are or for what other people see you for? If you stood in front of a mirror, and said to that person don't push me, don't be hard to me, don't degrade me, don't betray me? You see, its about time to face your love for yourself and accept it. No one, and I mean and believe from the bottom of my soul and heart loves you more than yourself!!!
I find that I get exploited at work by being how I am. Plus having no family or support they know I am desperate to keep my job cos I need money.
@@shersmith5996 this really hit. I would always take shifts for everyone even though deep down I didn’t want to but I did it because I was such a people pleaser who cared for others rather than myself. There’s other factors as well but that’s just the baseline.
@@mrvic3952 I noticed you are giving wonderful replies to many comments on this channel, you seem to be good at it. Thank you for replying to the comments, I learned something from you.
I've struggled with being a people pleaser my entire life to the point where it's caused me to get into so many situations I never wanted to be in. I agree to do favors for people even if it causes a major inconvenience in my own life. I let friendships and relationships go on far longer than they should because I'm scared to hurt people by cutting them off, even if they're toxic. I tell people that certain things are okay when they're really not. But this video is so right. I am a liar... and bending over backwards to please people can sometimes end up hurting them even more. I don't really know how to change my behavior. Do I need help?
Yes. Find someone outside your life with a fresh outside and perspective you can trust (I don't care who it is) and just tell them what you can't tell those you're afraid to hurt. Depending on who they are they can assure you that you gotta do YOU. You can't worry about others if it kills you
This is something I really need. Being too nice and unable to let people down takes a very very heavy toll, especially when people don't appreciate it. But it's so hard to change.
Some uncomfortable but important truths in this video. It's not all selflessness.
I'm a people pleaser and sometimes I'm actually terrified of it. Even when my parents ask me what I want for my birthday I literally pause just trying to find out who I am and what do I actually want. I remember a couple months ago I read a Aesop fable I unfortunately forgot what the name was but it was about a boy his grandfather and they were trying bring a donkey to the market to sell. Anyways in the moral of the story pretty much said "If you try to please everyone you end up pleasing no one". It actually made me think for days about it.
What do you want? Stand in a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself what you want. This is the way mind gets blown. Such a stupid thing to do, and yet do that for half an hour every day, and you will see yourself more energized. Not having enough time for people's stupid shit they want from you.
You alienate people, as vampire person's say because they've used to live life on other persons back.
And you get the life you want. Its ok to want many things at once, just remember its YOU who said that, not me or someone else.
What If I wanted to please you....like ONLY you and please you 100%?
This made me really sad... reminded me of when someone I regarded very highly said I was fake when in reality I was terrified of inconveniencing others. People pleasers just can't win. First they get continually rejected early on in their life, and then when they try to fix that they get rejected again for trying to get along with everyone and silencing their true feelings 😂
ouch.. true.. so true it hurts..................
I stay to myself just because of that.
I was always raised to be extremely friendly and polite to others. I think sometime during my primary school years it became to the point where people would bully me because i was 'too nice', and some of my friends would suddenly not talk to me. Even during high school years, alot of people took this for granted and almost manipulated me to the point that I was so afraid to say otherwise, out of fear that they would yell at me and leave me. Slowly learnt during university years that everyone is different and you can't get everyone to be friendly to you, but it still lies deep inside me.
All of the comments here say "fear lies deep still". Why is that? Being bullied is not what bothers you, its the way you didn't fight back. Now remember back then when people bullied you and you put your hands down and let them do that? Remember how you stood up and kicked their ass even though it didn't happen. You broke two arms, and busted that guys teeth out. School principal punished you and you told her you were fighting back and that she is also a bully to you by attacking you.
How do you feel after that? The feel is something we all take our decisions upon, but this feel is different than the one before the imagined scenario. You stood back!
Even in your imagination you stood back! This is important mindset to adopt. Practice it. Adopt it. No more fear of those who fear fears you can't even imagine.
My father would go into long fits of rage throughout my childhood where he'd yell, curse and hit me. The worst part is I never knew when it was coming so I was always on edge. During his long confrontational rants I'd just stand there in front of him for ages listening to him yell at me at how horrible I was and whenever I got a chance to speak I was immediately shut down. I stood up for myself only a few times and in those times no matter what I said it was not the right answer - not what he wanted to hear. So I just kept my mouth shut. Now I get panic attacks before I have to confront someone and this year has been especially rough but I'm learning that confrontation is ok and is does not and should not end in screaming and violence. I'm also learning I can't control how people react and that's ok and it's better to speak up for myself than to say nothing at all.
Same. May God bless you and bring you healing and strength. 🥰🙌
I read once " parents always ruin their children " its kinda universal ..
Just take care of yourself budd.
This one hits home, I literally couldn't even confront anyone in the house no matter how very little the thing is, to the fear of them reacting in violent way when the thing is it wouldn't. Ended up stressing over every single wrong things they did when I could've intervene and confront them instead
I hope you're finding peace 🤍
Keep up the good fight! I can rellate
I feel guilty of being that at times.. But I believe you should still try pleasing others without costing your own comfort...
It's hard sometimes, especially at work when I think someone needs help but then I end up getting in the way, sometimes due to lack of communication, other times due to naive confidence.
I always click with people on a surface level, but sometimes during actual conversation, it feels like I'm just trying to find the right words to say in order to appeal to them.
This video really planted some needed perspicacity in me, I havnt reflected on these things before so maybe I'll try and correct myself and just commit to being more realistic.
cough pillbox true mate.. I am too in need of more help/practice than I originally thought
This is me. Growing up my dad had an explosive temper, although he was a great dad. Provided me with everything. I didn’t like his temper and how he responded no, and overreacted-so to my friends and work colleagues I’ve always tried to be the nice guy. I don’t like conflict.
Love the conflict. Can you say that? Can you imagine going into one and you win? Sometimes you win when you fight back. When you don't you always lose.
@@mrvic3952 why though? what does it matter if you win or lose? isn’t it pointless to even think about?
@@monkey7558
The point is to fight back even with words. That's the first step. Not letting someone push you under the table. Or step on you verbally which is what most people will do to you, and you know why?
They feel like they can.
@@mrvic3952 That may not always be the best solution though, if someone has that mindset then simply ignoring them will give them a message too, it depends on the context I guess
@@monkey7558
Ignoring isn't fighting back. But as you said the mindset determines this.
This makes so much sense for me. It also explains why I crave being alone & plan on living on a farm with barely any neighbors
Being a people pleaser is so tiring, I surround myself with a variety of people whom I’d mold for into various personalities just so that I can satisfy their wants. I changed myself so much that there was a point in my life I wasn’t sure if I truly am who I am, or is it just another one of my plenty facades I play to please others.
It's a very interesting subject. Being compassionate and attentive to other people's needs does not equate to going along with people's wishes. Sometimes a hard truth might be the most compassionate thing one can say. And sometimes evading that hard truth is better. I think it is one of the instances when one has to be wise in order to walk the line between people-pleasing and not-caring carefully. It is also true for artists who have to be relatable at some level (in order for their audiences to be able to "read" their work) and faithful to whatever truth they are trying to express. Speaking of art, this video is absolutely gorgeous. I always watch your animations for inspiration.
Blue Makes Movies I am making this comment my wallpaper
I cannot like this enough.
+Melanie Lane, it's okay you don't like it enough. After all you don't have to please SOL!
Zarif Hossain I think I made a mistake. What I mean is that I love it so much that there's not enough "likes" for this. Sorry, English is not my native language.
I'm American. You used the expression correctly. Hyperbole can be difficult to interpret.
A co-dependent always has a narcissistic parent
Or two
So True
Or Borderline parent.
narcissistic parent, schizoid, abusive verbally
Agree
Having a traumatic childhood where my father was an alcoholic, my mother always gave us support and strength to stand up on our feet. In school days, I was a bright student, despite having domestic fights, i always managed to get high marks in school and be a topper. But as I finished my schooling, I get into a bad relationship, which drained me emotionally and mentally. It affected me a lot. And because of which I lost myself, I lost confidence and become low in self esteem. And due which I became a people pleaser too for seeking others validation. But now as I have realised everything, I am out of my 11 years of traumatic relationship. The trauma has effected my every relationship, but not anymore. Now I am content within myself and on my healing journey. I am in journey to get myself back and become the person who really I am. Just give me best wishes. 🤗✨
I became a people pleaser as a subconscious survival technique with my mother. Best advice I have is to know it's ok to prioritize yourself and embrace loss. You will experience loss when you start telling others to pound sand but it's so worth it! Don't go to that acquaintance's baby shower, don't give your ungrateful step brother another dime, tell that acquaintance you can't afford to be in the bridal party as a fill-in. Embrace the loss that follows these situations.
Glad to see another video on this, I think trying to please everyone is a big reason why so many people are unhappy. The moment when you can realize that you will not able to please everyone, is when you lead a much happier life. I definitly had big issues with this in the past. (I'm sure we have to some extent)
Love the quality this channel brings out, Quality > Quantity is what I strive for too.
You have potential man
Any advice to us
Because the only thing I did is I just ignored people and just stay a lonely dude and it's sad but I feel relaxed and I kinda regretted it
Your videos always Come AT the right time. Thank you from the Bottom of my heart.
omgratlos same here. Thanks
You mean the *BOTTON* of my heart...
sorry, I'll leave
I’m holding back tears right now. I could never figure out why it felt so hard for me to spend time with others and why I always felt like I could never be myself. Looking back it was always draining to keep acting like someone else and do things I didn’t want to do. Those were the thoughts in my head but I never had the courage to say no. I always thought there was something wrong with me, “how can everyone interact so naturally and easily when I have to over analyze everything I say or do to make sure I don’t slip up?”. It’s been like this for so long I don’t really know who I am really, I spent my entire life molding myself into what I think other people would like me to be. it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one who does this but I’m not sure how to stop either.
i'm extremely hurt by being called out like that. but also i'm grateful for the form in which it is done.
What I got from this: being kind is not equal to being fearful. Because you're not a good person, you're just scared of the consequences of not being kind. You need to grow some teeth (become more powerful), and show them to people, so they can see you can't be their punching bag. But you need to use them wisely, because that's where the true kindness comes from. Knowing when to control the monster within you or not.
I have spent the past 6 years of my life people pleasing, doubting myself and fearing criticism to the point where I feel like I have to mold myself to whoever i become. I feel like I don't even exist anymore that I am just a product of what other people tell me. I had to look beyond myself and see what this was doing to myself-that people will criticize you no matter what you do and you will be trapped forever if you listen to everyone else instead of pursuing your own goals. One theme I've noticed is that no one in my life ever offered me any helpful advice. I had to figure out everything on my own trusting my own gut and taking it day by day. People pleasing is the fattest fucking waste of time. No one cares at the end of the day. be selfish and make yourself happy with who the real you is before anyone else. *also want to add I think people pleasing is entirely a product of mental illness-specifically social anxiety or trauma/neglect. I was always told I was weird as a kid and I spent my lifetime fighting to fit in and be "normal" because people told me I wasn't normal. So I doubted every decision I made and just tried to blend in and do what I was told to until I finally gained the strength to realize that it was because i lacked authentic self confidence
I'm trying therapy, but after this video, I've just realized that im also trying to please my therapist, so I think I might be a lost cause
Dude you made me laugh 😂
And no, if you realised it.. You are not a lost cause.. You are just feeling lost because you don't know what to do now that you realise it..
No one is ever really a lost cause especially if your going to therapy. Get a new therapist and start fresh! Take a vow to yourself to be honest this time
I've been a people pleaser for such a long time. Mostly because I was afraid of backlash and being hated. But eventually I realized two truths. One I'm not a little kid anymore. There's very few people who actually would and could react in a way that would devastate me physically. To be hated it isn't even a big deal. People can hate me as long as I don't hate myself. Why should I care about being hated by someone who's reason for hatred is that I opened up about my true feelings and didn't allow my boundaries to be violated. It's not my problem if they are immature in that way.
I've been used all my life because I was always taught if you have something to give you give it. So people love that I give but take advantage of me all the time.
very cool video. it's clear that people pleasing can do really damaging things to us. I imagine also that when we mold to these expectations of others, we forget what is important to us and what we care about, thus leading to a lack of self care and value.
The people pleasing nature of mine pushes me to lie and feel miserable afterwards. I hate it. I'm not harming anyone but because I can't say NO to hurt their feelings, I say lies about the situation to handle the situation.
Also, it is pushing me to become more introverted, insecure and anxious. I can't handle rejections and so I often ghost people before they do.
Just today I had an issue at work where my team leader was taking advantage of my kindness and shouting at me in front of all my colleagues. And this video came up, teaching to be strong. Thank you!
Whenever i watch one of your videos, i always feel a lump forming in my throat. It hurts seeing myself in a lot of pain and distress so it feels really good when you guys address it, it really does. Please don't ever stop making videos. They are practically my lifesavers now :')
I feel you but in my opinion you shouldn’t use these videos as a crutch and start to take self responsibility that’s what I’m doing at least
you are not alone :)
My dad used to get upset when I did not follow every step of his examples. I remember him scolding me harshly for writing the number zero not the same way he wrote even though the end result looked identical.
i am a people pleaser and I would go a long distance not to upset others. But it is a relief to know and be able to articulate what my issues are.
Peace is not by pleasing other people. When was the last time you've had a time for you? Not buying stuff for other people, but for you? Articulate this, you matter to you, and all the rest are just tools. Don't please the boss, don't please the wife, don't please the kids, don't please everybody you love, first please you! Cheers
As I’ve worked in jobs that required me to tell people, “No,” I’ve slowly grown out of many of my people pleasing habits. It feels so good to be able to understand that my word carries adult weight now, and that adult humans don’t lash out like my dad at me. My dad did it because he felt small in the world and could take it out on me because I was helpless and had no agency. I have that agency now.
My whole life has been about pleasing everyone but myself.I don't even have a personality since I've been changing it every so often to accommodate other's.. it's time for a change..
Wow...I always knew I'm a people pleaser but I never knew the root of it all. Although this video gave just one example of a root cause, it fit my experience so accurately. I was always scolded at by parents, and shook to the core whenever I expressed disagreement as a child. My need to please people is ridiculous now😭 I literally have friendships which I hate, and am unable to tell those friends that I don't like hanging out with them. Jeez this video reminded me just how bad I am. I still dk how to stop though OTL
The illustration was really comforting!
That comfort was needed.
21 years of people pleasing was rooted in my fear of not being accepted. It was my pride that was even more deep rooted to get attention and love from others. After a near death experience, I realised that how much life I have wasted. I just had to support myself and watch this world's madness, not to get lost in it. Once I dropped my competing trait, it was freedom from my anxiety, depression, mood destroying music, matrix mindedness. Only enemy that we can defeat is the our belief that the world is permanent.
You grow up/mature enough to to realize that the only people you should be pleasing is yourself and the people you actually wanna please. It’s as simple as that. Your energy is precious so give it to the ones that matter
I became aware of this feeling about three years ago, when i was 23. Back then I had huge anxieties and problems with establishing new friendships, and the toughest part was always when I liked someone. Wether it was a guy, who i wanted to befriend, or a girl, who i wanted to be with, I instantly forgot about what i want and started to loose my identity.
After I became aware of it, things got better and better, and the thing that helped me the most, was thinking with my own head, having my own, genuine opinions about stuff. That is the most important thing for me, and I advise people who have this problem to - start thinking.
But the thing is, that, still, when I meet a gril that I really like, I can't loose the internal feeling of fear, that expressing my needs and wants is going to cause me to fail. It doesn't ever happen when a girl likes me, and I on the contrary don't have any interest. Here is a situation, where my mind still can't comprehend and/or control my emotions.
JMLatvala92 i am 21 and i am exactly where you were. I have realized these things recently. Trying to change. It's hard.
I have a similar problem with guys that I begin to take an interest in. I find myself filtering my own personality around them in some strange attempt to come off as likeable, but in reality this only hurts me because that is not something that can sustain a long relationship. I know that the only way for a person to form a deep personal attachment to me would require me to be completely vulnerable and shed any fears of rejection that I carry, but it's much easier said than done. I'm actually experiencing this right now with a guy and although it's a frustrating position to be in, I think that continuing to be conscious of it and having patience can only help. I hope we both find the inner strength to rise above this because in the end, the only thing holding us back is ourselves.
I completely agree. I think it’s a tough balance to strike - on the one hand trying to make them like us but on the other trying to remain “ourselves”, or as close to ourselves as we can be. It’s not easy tiptoeing between the two, and I wish I knew how to deal with it but I guess the only thing I can say is to get to know yourself better. I’m not saying to literally put all your feelings, desires and reservations about certain issues on a plate for your boyfriend/girlfriend, however make yourself heard and whenever you feel like they’ve overstepped the mark try to tell them as soon as they have. I guess this makes sense to me. I don’t know if it does to you. And if anyone has anything to add or counter to anything I said I would like to talk about it.
i became aware of this at 23 too which was a couple months ago! i finally had time away from my family and being on my own felt so good and freeing. i also tend to lose myself over someone which i really didnt realize i thought i am just understanding or laidback now im so confused about what i want
JM I feel you💖
I know a lot of people that should see this 💛
fuxk you .....
Mine Yours That was uncalled for.
Understandable, but uncalled for.
Worth the share.
Your statement indicates you have an uncovered personality disorder like this same video
Science with Katie weak
Trying to please others all the time is a contradiction.
Because others get used to it and the become bored.
As a recovering people pleaser I want to tell you guys how you can help yourself. you have to get really in touch with your emotions every emotions like discomfort, hurt, humiliation, disrespect or mistreatment that aches your heart is the point where you need to speak up. if someone asks you a favour that you don’t want to do but you can’t say no. you WILL feel some sort of irritation that’s when you get aware of your emotions you have to say exactly what you’re feeling. i’ll give you my examples-
At work my superior used to dump her tasks on me and in order to impress her for a raise I gladly took her all responsibilities along with mine which left me exhausted and underpaid. But everytime she dumps her work I used to have a strong urge to say no i dont want to but couldnt say it.
then one day I confronted her you may ask how because I cant just say:- NO i dont want to do. that’s impolite right?
so i went deep into my feelings and asked myself why I want to say no ? my feelings responded because you have your own work and by taking her work it leaves you more exhausted and tired at the end of the day plus her work is not yours.
then the next time she tried to do the same i clearly and assertively communicated her: hey ive my own work to do next time you want me to do something first ask me since i’ve my own work to do.
I clearly set my boundaries with her
since then she never dumped her work and it made me fall in love with my work . but as a people pleaser it took me a long time to realise but once you get attuned with your feelings. your feeling clearly gives you an answer
some of the questions for you to practise and get into your feelings ,Imagine:-
1. Your friend asks hey i want to borrow your car for 2-3 hours. what did you felt? and how would you respond (clearly putting boundaries )
2. Someone close wants 2k cash immediately its very urgent and you dont want to give this much. even though you have money to lend. How would you say.
3. you bought a pretty dress which is very expensive and new. your friend liked and wants to borrow it? how will you say no
4. your partner asks for sex. you love them so much. how will you say no
5. again your partner asks for something to shop for them on your way which is pretty expensive. How will you handle this situation ?
understand you don’t have to become passive or aggressive you have to become assertive which means find a middle way so that it benefits you first and more, than others and there will be situation where you have to give an answer immediately you won’t get time to think. so take 5-8 secs and prosses your emotions and then answer
and you know what guys in this whole world our gender, color, race, traditions and languages distinguish us but only emotions and feelings are the ones that unites us so if you’re clearly communicating with someone they’ll understand because they would also do the same. it’ll be hard but it’ll become easy and then you won’t even realise you’re doing it automatically
Yes, I am a people pleaser. I am always apologetic, often unnecessarily (could totally relate to that guy saying "Sorry" to everyone and yes, I'm terrified of the displeasure of others like they said in the video!!) and I also thank people way too much when they do something for me. I thank them way more than required. I'm always there for people and I show my vulnerability. But I'm often left feeling like they don't reciprocate or they don't do as much for me, or that I was unnecessarily too polite and helpful to them. But at some point, it messes with my head and I get impulsive and say things out straight and that makes me feel like I was rude and I start apologizing again. And I overthink all the time. This behavior's been slowly killing me from the inside. 😣😭 Thank you, I really needed this video!!
I am sadly a people-pleaser. It's in my blood. I realised recently how this has made me dishonest with the closest people to myself. I decided to abandon this ugly habit, but it's still not working for me as I wish. I think I need more time to change.
Being a people pleaser I always thought my good intentions will always resonate to others.. Harsh reality then struck me and was labelled as someone who was "plastic" or fake.. I tried harder to be nicer and be more authentic but people where still unsatisfied.. People treated me worse and always saw everything I do with malice and fault.. Then one day I saw myself unintentionally becoming this person people were trying to tell me that I was.. slowly turning into evil, heartless with no mercy..
It took me a long time to realize how much I depended on others validation and happiness to be happy myself. I grew up with past sexual trauma and a depressive mother who I never felt I could share anything with, exactly like the video said, fearing I would make things worse. This video was really helpful, but I'm still figuring out the 'hows' of getting out of this pattern. I guess its mainly just awareness and practice.
You learn when to stop being nice all of the time when you get tired of being stepped on because that's what happens to nice caring people unfortunately....then others will complain that you are being cold but you're not...you are standing up for YOURSELF...you shouldn't ever let people take advantage of you kindness...
Watching this video was so painful and so liberating. How many hours spent doing things i hated deep inside in my heart. How many things i haven't said by just procrastinating the inevitable. How much more hurt i caused by not having had the courage to speak for myself before. How much damage have i caused for no real important reason, but just because i thought i HAD NO CHOICE. How much fear of hurting others had i had? if i think back to it i wanna cry...but if it hadn't happened, now i wouldn't realize how important it is to remember that i actually have a choice and that inflicting some pain sometimes is the best thing to do. To all the people pleasers...we shouldn't be ashamed of the pain of saying no; because the pain of saying no is much less powerful than the pain of prolonging the cage we built by ourselves. I don't know much about life but...we have one shot, one life, one opportunity; this opportunity might also go wasted but at least let's do our best and let's fail on our own terms. Let's break our cages because if we don't we would slowly die anyway. Just a thought...
Crying all morning when I heard: they are terrified of displeasure of others.
I cannot believe beyond the language, the words really struck my heart and started to cry loudly.
Finally, in this world someone helps to speak out what tortured me.
Finally, I need to accept my father is a narcissist and I am a pleaser.
But this is so hard, I always want to satisfy my papa. As a Chinese girl, I never get any encouragement and confidence from my family. This also reflects on my marriage, my husband uses the same way to make me believe I am nothing.
Life is so hard.but I choose to face and accept my real life
The bottle up guilt turned into hatred in my teens and now i despise everyone around me and myself
Still living with my parents. Forced to stay in that pattern with them, even though i managed to mostly come out of it with others. It's so exhausting, i want to be myself always
I'm slowly re-parenting myself because of this.
Harms me more than anything.
Setting boundaries and validating my emotions and values.
What If I wanted to please you....like ONLY you and please you 100%?
Re-parenting yourself, I like that.
👌🏼👌🏼good on you. Hope the re parenting is going well?
I can relate to this. I constantly lie to others because I want them to accept me
I've always been a super optimistic person and people pleaser. My kind of pleasing is more along the lines of pleasing people because I enjoy it. I want to experience how others view the world, listen to their music, hobbies, etc. I wouldn't say it's really a bad thing for me, but maybe sometimes I should be more in tune with my own self I guess
I needed this badly. I appreciate the time and effort spent in making this video!
I've been dealing with this for some time now, and when we continue to lie to ourselves and others, it feels as though
literal pressure builds up inside.
Thank you for your help in both understanding and addressing this within myself! : )
I actually LIKE helping others. I work as a CNA and our job is to literally please others. We go above and beyond the normal expectations to make sure our residents are properly cared for.
But this sense of empathy has manifested into every aspect of my life. I’m just Toooo nice to people...even random strangers now. Being a people pleaser turned all my relationships toxic.
But would you be shouting, abusive? Basics of morality , spirituality have to be there na!
I had been born with a disfigurement.... And all my life even though I had a good heart. When I was around ppl it became ppl pleasing and on. I hate to see someone hurt because I knew what they felt. And to this day I still protect anyone being belittle! Living the experience of being a be little person and embarrassed and people talking about you..... I know too well. I think the most kind ppl are the ones that live though the horrific times of their life.
Thank you so much for this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear! I cried a lot while memories of all the times I was a people pleaser crossed my mind. My parents have a good heart, but I feel like they failed to accept who I am or what my real needs are, and now I feel stuck in that cycle. I feel guilty when I see that others are doing their things and I'm having fun or taking a rest. Life has never been so exhausting.
yeah i grew up with parents who could not handle anything, like my mom was ragey one and my dad was realllly fragile and depressive. In relationships I'm either super distant and a user or become a people pleaser. But it takes a toll and I have to exit the relationship because it makes me really unhappy. But it made me good at business because it's super easy for me to tell what people want and give it to them because i instinctively know how customer perceives something. but yea very unhappy thing to do in personal relationships..my childhood was so emotionally extreme
So you know what customer wants but you can't tell what you want? This is what is draining you. Emotions, guilt, tripping like you need to fix everything. To make excuses. To be the first one to say sorry. I'm not sorry that you are sorry, but in a way you should't be sorry for me not feeling sorry about you.
Stop seeing how people feel like every day. Take the day off, and just do whatever. Never look at their faces, never starring in their eyes.
Grief and pain are contagious. They aren't worth your time. Best time...is when you love you and don't give a shit somebody says.
Such a mind opening video. Thanks!
I just want to fix myself
@@soseikiharagatatsu7859 well, good luck
As someone who is currently actively working on not being a people pleaser anymore this is what is currently helping me.
1.Remember you are NOT a villain for setting boundaries with ppl although at first it will feel that way. And
2.Allow urself to feel angry with how people treated u during ur ppl pleasing stage. That anger was my first anchor to getting my self worth back . I needed to be feel angry for myself in order to set my first boundaries.
3. The people that take advantage of ur people pleasing ways will not be kind to you when you set ur boundaries with them. It is okay to loose those parasitic relationships. You are not responsible for their reaction and it is OKAY for people not to like you.
4.Work on why u are a doormat for other ppl . Critically examine ur childhood and especially the relationship you had with your caregivers. Mine were caregivers that were emotionally unavailable and emotionally immature even though they provided for me and were not always physically abusive. As a child I craved their attention and so I molded myself and contorted myself to be a version that they could more easily love I did everything to make them proud of me ( eg academic success and following their religion ) and to manage and anticipate their volatile emotions. I became a ppl pleaser to protect myself from them , to get a bit of affection from ppl who had a lot of their own unhealead trauma and didn't know better.. So don't hate who you had to be to survive.
5. Acknowledge that ppl pleasing can also be a manipulative behavior that gave ppl a wrong impression of you.
6. You are worthy of being loved just for being yourself you don't have to go to great lengths to satisfy ppl in order to be worthy of an emotional connection
It's hard to change I finally started setting boundaries and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do . to say no to obvious exploitation from ppl . The guilt you will feel for saying no to things you were never comfortable doing is a passing emotion and after it passes you will actually start to love yourself and that is more important than managing other ppls emotions. Hope everyone here struggling can take the first step in stopping this cycle of trauma.
Can I ask how its going now, one year later? :) Hope everything is well
How can it be a manipulative form of behaviour?
Thanks❤
Just being yourself is what's best.
Thank you for spreading wisdom.
I listened to the first half with goosebumps. Literally my childhood when my mum always flew into a rage around me. Hardest part for me has always been but if I stop people pleasing or I stop being so nice the world will become a fucked up place and I dont want people to experience that. End of the day maybe it's realising that life will go on fine either way, and that people are responsible for their own lives.
Yes. they're ADULTS they can handle it
Ive almost completely grown out of it. And looking back in retrospect at how much of myself I had given away, what's left over is rage. A lot of the time now I just can't find the f*cks to give honestly, I put myself first. Trust me, the people you try to please the most don't have the capacity to do anything for your sake because they only know how to receive and take. Stop wasting your generosity, everybody does NOT deserve it.
I love the voice over... It makes me calm and the way he reads is on point ❤️