How to stop people pleasing and set authentic boundaries while staying kind: Gabor Maté
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- čas přidán 3. 04. 2023
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From the new 9-part video series Reclaiming Authenticity: Conversations with Dr. Gabor Maté
In this excerpt, Dr. Maté answers the question from the audience: "How to stop people pleasing and set authentic boundaries while staying kind?"
Register for the series: thewisdomoftrauma.com/reclaim...
Includes:
Recorded Q&A Session with Dr. Gabor Maté
April 30 2023, 4-6pm PDT
(recording available with purchase)
Last year, Dr. Gabor Maté, with the SAND team, went on The Wisdom of Trauma film European tour. We held workshops and lectures in various cities. All the events were fully sold out. We have compiled and edited the recordings of these live conversations and organized the talks in 9 distinct categories to help you navigate this rich content.
Science and Nonduality is a community inspired by timeless wisdom, informed by cutting-edge science, and grounded in direct experience. We come together in an open-hearted exploration while celebrating our humanity.
“If you want to be liked, just please everybody. Never say no. Take everything on. Be responsible for how other people feel. Never disappoint anybody. They’re all gonna like you. But nobody’s gonna love you, because they don’t know you.” - holy shit that hit hard…
Yes and no.
You bear some responsibility for how others feel. The world is full of callous people (aka authentic arseholes) who have not developed their empathy abilities. Nevertheless, if you’ve checked and reflected to the best of your abilities, stand-up for what you believe to be right and don’t be a doormat. Be a iron fist in a velvet glove.
As for love… that’s not guaranteed if you’re authentic. Nobody likes, let alone love, someone who is not like them.
I once heard Mike Tyson say, "If you're a friend to everyone you're an enemy to yourself."
'The Self that you abandoned never went away....it's talking to you through your body and emotions.....'
Love this ❤️
Powerful
That is so beautifully said,thank you
Nailed it
Every time I hear him speak, I feel the deepest sadness yet the strongest sense of relief and hope
That is really beautifully explained. Glad you can let it in.
The Fransiscan priest and author Richard Rohr wrote that when you are in the presence of a true elder - not just an old person, but an elder - they will give off the feeling of “bright sadness”. I think that definitely applies to Dr. Mate.
Me too ! It’s so clear ! We need to become our true selves to live and change our world !
Same
He’s beautiful ❤
“The pain of not being yourself is too much”
I've started realizing lately that, I'm depressed, addicted, consistently low because of not being myself. One of my acquaintances called me a people-pleaser 2 years ago. I didn't believe that, I considered myself an empathetic person, but the truth is, I'm afraid of hurting others' feelings, never went through any disagreements with anyone. What's the outcome? I've become a nice guy sittting in the corner, who doesn't have an opinion. Zero assertiveness. Now, I'm trying real hard to get on my feet. If it's not a 'Hell yeah', then it's a No. Contributing to the conversation with original ideas, Having the courage to defend those, and never be afraid of disagreements. I'm writing this as a reminder. I never talked about this feeling to anyone, as they might take it as my weakness. Since I'm a smooth-talker, it's hard to detect my insecurities.But I'm trying to shift my gears. I'm reading books, taking daily exercise, disciplining myself, and being indifferent about external circustances that I can't control. When we become ourselves, we become free and find peace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. What you say resonates. But this happens only if truth you know inside of you and half-truths presented are blurred.
One of those half-truths presented to us and unconsciously became our false goal of life is "Being free"
"Finding peace"
The day you realize this is false objective you will be yourself.
Take a diary and write down, what do I want for myself?
Why do I want it?
How do I appreciate myself and reward myself instead of craving for being in good books of others?
Why do I want to be a good person?
What does goodness mean to myself and how and why is it different for others?
To whose appreciation I should be craving for if not ppl around me?
Who made me?
Did I thank and appreciate and reciprocate enough the One who gave me life,nurtured me and will cause My Death and Bring me back to life again...?
Try answering these questions...you are set to discovering yourself who you are for yourself and you will eventually find that "Harmony" of Nature with Creator inside of you.
I'm like this , all life worked very hard to get liked by everyone. Here I'm watching trauma videos as a housebound disabled woman , with failed marriage with most whimsical person I ever met and my parents and brother leaving me on my own with abusive husband. They still don't think I'm worth saving from all this. Still I won't confront them as I fear to lose them , may be I already lost them. Still my mom not happy how I turned out.
The key to authenticity: “it’s a decision you are going to have to make sometime. Who would you rather have? It’s them or yourself”. Beautifully stated Dr Mate.
The fear of being abandoned or disapproved of must be faced.
Authenticity = being able to feel your gut feeling. Being able to live by your gut feeling.
Good luck in life if you have to remember that
@@RanOvaT good luck in life with this stinking attitude
@@RanOvaT i'd say that's most of us
Yes and not being a playball of people's judgments or fear to be abandoned when I set a boundary or choose a break / personal space.
In therapy, I lost a lot of attachments when I began standing up for myself with assertiveness training, self respect & saying NO to the Narcissists. Somehow, I seem to frequently slide right back down into dependent, timid behaviors to "get by". This talk is helping a lot to remind me of what matters & how to hold on to it. I can and will be Authentic again! Thank you!
Its a long process, few steps forward, few back, good days, bad days, good weeks bad weeks. But, I have noticed change and development which I am encouraged by. It is a conscious process and you have to fight not to fall back into old patterns.
These old patterns had their logic in their time, but are now inappropriate and unnecessary, we are safe to change and grow now. The mean bastards that abused us are either dead or old and have been cut down to size by life.
@Jim rich you might find the work of Robert Fritz and how to think about structural tension (creative process) and structural conflict (what keeps us oscillating) useful. It was a game changer for me!
As much as I love Dr. Gabor Maté for his much needed call for the acceptance of our emotions and authenticity, I disagree with the message presented this video*. I believe adult human beings, while not needing attachment to others like children do to survive, nonetheless do need it to some degree, especially to thrive. We need to balance it with our need for authenticity. It is damaging to disregard that need for both, or to treat one as a flaw that should not be present in an adult human. The question is not simply a choice between ourselves and the other person, but between ourselves, the importance of the attachment to us at that current time, and the other person. I have been a very authenticity-driven person for the majority of my life and before I realised it was the loss of attachments in the pursuit of total authenticity that was causing me massive trauma, I had a pain that I could not solve. Of course then learning how to deal with people in a balanced way and not people-please was also a struggle, so I recognise and empathise heavily with what you are feeling and your hopes. I also used therapy as one tool of many to help me learn about skills or ideas I may not otherwise have had.
The CZcamsr Ana Psychology, a psychologist-in-training, has a video titled "4 Signs of Immaturity + How to Cultivate Maturity", in which she presents the results of up-to-date psychology research. In the first sign, she brings up that the best way to deal with attention-seeking in oneself behaviour is to find a good, stable support group. In the third sign, she brings up that another important sign of maturity is being able to consider other's feelings and thoughts after we consider our own. I understand the first sign as speaking to our need to have attachments in our life for our own health and those around us, while the third sign speaks to the need for acknowledgment of self AND others in order for our relationships to be stable and fulfilling, even if we are leaving them.
Mainly your comment struck me, @JIM RICH, because it reminded me of my thought process when I was trying to lose weight. I would frequently slide back to unhealthy food behaviour. What happened was that I was putting myself onto too restrictive diets. While over time I learned that I would binge less if I let myself have "the forbidden foods", I still had trouble maintaining a calorie deficit until I learned that I had to ADD more protein and fiber to my diet rather than try to just stick to the kcal number. After upping the protein and fiber, I found that I didn't reach for non-nutritious foods as often, and the kilograms shed off quickly even as I stopped calorie counting. I don't think much about food anymore compared to how I used to. What I want to ask, as one internet stranger to another (so feel free to completely disregard :P), is for you to consider that if you are constantly sliding back into behaviour you do not want to engage in, if it may not be time to research new, more nuanced paths and switch up your methodology instead of bouncing between two extreme options. Please take care, and I wish you the best of luck in your life journey.
*I am aware that I may be lacking fuller context, as I have only seen this clip.
One of the biggest struggle is not to regress back into timid behaviour and people pleasing. It's the hardest battle out there to fight against your own past self. Stay strong, peace be with you my friend.
It never stops. Like a rubber band - the further you go, the harder it gets. Eventually it will inevitably snap you back where you've started
"Who would you rather have in your life...them or yourself?" Thank you for summing it up so very well. I am 66 and had to leave my entire birth family, my oldest son and a friend of 50 years behind. While painful, the decisions were the right ones. I am learning that peace involves processing the world as it is and not as we want it to be. Leaving all the abuse behind has finally granted me that.
How brave of you --your peace is your responsibility- how wonderful you chose you❣️👌🏼
@@ingridrajithskysong5369 Thanks Ingrid. I appreciate your kindness. It really wasn't bravery though. It was the need for sanity, for peace, for rest, for a life of possibility instead of constant painful chaos. I wouldn't wish the circumstances on anyone and will always wish it could have been different. The things that helped? Good therapy, a good husband and no contact. The answers came with time and with faith in the journey....tough stuff for someone taught not to trust their own answers, but in the end there was really little choice. Blessings to you and all those who struggle with hard decisions.
After a few years of watching Maté it finally dawned on me he’s not happy nor does he ever smile. There’s absolutely no joy in this man. Stuck in trauma, the unhealed healer, oh the irony. 🥳
As a child I witnessed many vicious arguments between my parents. Sometimes I had to intervene. It was terrifying. My mother is, I believe, a BPD, and my father an enabler. I had no choice but to internalise their anger, believing it was my fault. Also suffered from anorexia and until recently had no idea that my chaotic family dynamics were the reason. My father died a couple of years ago. My mother is worse than ever, and my people pleasing traits more intense than ever - bending over backwards to make her happy and never succeeding. She has been incredibly abusive and I'm now 44 years old. I could no longer tolerate it and started experiencing severe CPTSD symptoms. I had to reclaim myself, and she didn't like it. We don't speak anymore. When you stand up for yourself and say no to abuse, people don't like it. It's astonishing what some of us tolerate just for the sake of having those attachments.
I'm also 44 and disabled with heart and autoimmune issues. Bad abusive marriage but worse is my mother who thinks I'm the reason for my ill health She drives me crazy after each phone call and still I have to call her twice a day. I just don't want to talk her more than 5 minutes.
43 and sounds like we are in a similar boat in the same storm. Blessings to you 💫
The extreme suffering of human beings is not down to the individual alone. The systems we live in are intentionally evil, and until we accept the truth of this reality and work at the level of systems, working with individuals will continue to be an ungodly burden, like Sisyphus rolling a rock uphill only to have it roll back down. Human beings were never meant to deal with issues of authenticity and attachment in a vacuum. We must have a viable community to support our healing and growth.
Yes, but who set those systems up? They are set up by a group of individuals who themselves suffered trauma and therefore live by egoic values.
The systems are perpetuated by us all. And we absolutely have the power to change them. Our power lies within each individual choosing to honor their own inner being and all other beings. To the absolute best of their ability. And to heal themselves and help others heal. We must each look within and do the work. Align ourselves with Life, not our human-made structures.
Do the work. It works. Find your tribe. Find ur happiness first.
Society doesn't steer itself. Systems are not evil. They operate on the laws of nature. You're reality isn't mine or anyone other than yours. Generalization is inherently biased..black and white. The world is full of color and beauty. Learning to pay attention requires rigor.
@@lucrativeleadershipconvers5149 But there are certainly better and worse systems. E.g. let's take the school system: It could be optimized to produce healthy, happy and free-thinking individuals or mindless consumers that are slaves to the system (the way it is now). Imagine everyone was taught such immensely important things as how to properly process negative emotions, how to meditate, how to really live a healthy life, how to figure out what your talents, purpose and passions are, with a close assistance in finding a way to put them into practice professionally.
Of course society as we know it would collapse as people would be intrinsically happy, without the need of all this mindless consumerism and cheap entertainment. Most people would opt to become entrepreneurs and we would run out of workers rapidly. But I think thanks to AI we would still find a way to make this work.
AWESOME!!! Thank you for explaining how I lost myself as probably a toddler. Narcissistic mother, enabler father, I was attached to no one 😢☹️. Been suppressing me for as long as I can recall. Now as I begin to bloom (at 63), I want me more than I want attachments to others. Thank you for your extremely important work.
I am on a similar journey at age 52. We're both 'late bloomers'
I am in the same journey at 47. I want me, I belong to me more than any other attachment.
I want me !!! Fabulous insight, thank you.
@@quarteracreadventures855
Continue to bloom!! Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.
I wish you the best! ❤🎉
4:04 In the conflict between attachment and authenticity, attachment is going win every time and people suppress their authenticity and specifically if they weren't love for who they are they are going very hard be liked. And if you want to be liked just please everybody, never say no take everything on, be responsible for other people feel, never disappoint anybody
They are all gone LIKE you but nobody's gone to LOVE you because they don't know you
People pleasing upsets me so much... I am working on it in my life. Whenever I do something to please others I feel that I am hurting my very Spirit, that I let my Spirit down....
how many of us are saying ..I wish I had heard this years ago .Thanks for posting .
So difficult to hear and so important. I've worked hard to be an authentic parent (Narcissist parents and siblings and husbands) and we were not successful in helping our son to be authentic, and that grieves me deeply since it's the one thing that I truly wanted for him, but I didn't know how to do it, even though I tried.
Of course, I've had so many illnesses and finally after decades of research, therapy, self care and other work, at 60, I am what I feel is myself.
I've lost many of my attachments (that I thought were friends) including all of my relatives. Painful, but not being me is no longer an option. I was very worried that my kind sweetness was not part of "me" and that it was a "put on" from trauma and would "go" as I became more connected to myself, but I'm thrilled to still have it. I mention that because it is hard to be "left" by folks who claim to care for you, and knowing my own good traits helps to mitigate that deep, deep hurt.
Thank you again for your kind sharing and beneficial work.
I thought that the child trauma or parenting issues that he often talks about didn't apply to me because nothing really stuck out, but now I really think about it my Dad was really overstrict. I would get in such trouble for the tiniest things and was very quiet, shy and anxious as I got older. Its clear that as I got into my teens that I was a huge people pleaser. Its only until very recently that I would say and do what would get other people's approval. And it didn't work as no one has ever liked me.
I love that he calls out Jordan Peterson.
Many say that's not what JP actually said
@@Kyouma. i actually don't know that exact quote from Jordan but I have heard Jordan say many other similar things that raised my eyebrow.
I don't think everything Jordan says is wrong. I definitely love what he has to say about free speech and "wokeism" for lack of a better term. But there are a lot of things he says that are just so trauma-uninformed that I'm not surprised Gabor had something to say about him.
This is true. I don't agree with everything Jordan says. Sometimes I find him presumptuous. He has some great thoughts btw you don't have to agree with everything he says online
@@cikanyoro Some of the things Jordan says I like.
This man is an incredible boon for all of humanity. So grateful for him and his work.
You're an amazing human being. I pray God continues to bless you.
Thank you very much for caring about ALL...humanity!
Thanks for being a service to the mental health professional.
Stay Encouraged Tyra
Being able to recognize inauthentic living is key and the most difficult realization to come to. It requires a kind of death that not everyone survives. The only way I could see deeply my lack of self knowledge was to step out of that space. Talk about free-fall. I still refer to it as "shredding skin" ( not shedding), and before epigenetics became more widely accepted as not "woo-woo" it made total sense to me. The movements I was making were changing my DNA; of course it would hurt in the most alien ways and it did. Still does. But because I have this history of first-hand experience, plus a whole new group of friends and acquaintances who share the same trials and speak the same language, the changes don't feel like death sentences.
Make no mistake, some of the mind shifts take a lot of patience and are extremely demanding (not for the faint of heart) but I now have faith that time is irrelevant compared to my ultimate goals. There's nothing I want more than a change of mind and a change of heart. The body follows.
Wonderfully put into words.
All the best for your journey. It hurts. Its worth it.
I am also traveling.
Incredible, what methods did you use?
@@beller8501 trial and error and taking suggestions from others.
I'm hard headed and seem to learn the indirect way.
Good luck.
Get baptised in Jesus name for remission of sins . I’m sorry you have had such bad trauma . Christianity is about forgiveness and shredding as u say Christianity is the same everyday old you dies daily by abiding in gods words and forgiving daily to others it is a narrow path . We are all sinners . I don’t mean attending a church either .
@@christinekisso8358 I appreciate your suggestions and concern. The process in my life is very much already underway, This "shredding" is witnessed by my conception of God. Baptism, I had the pleasure of viewing yesterday, is a personal choice made at a time of desire and vulnerability. It's beautiful. My shift had a specific unfolding made for my circumstance and it very much worked. Saved my life. Not everyone's path will follow the same rules and parameters. You wouldn't recognize me from 20 years ago in attitude.
Yes, it is a narrow path. Fewer choice brings more freedom not less. Krishnamurti. We all learn differently, so need many different teachers. Jesus was a great man of inclusion.
This is great and a good listen. Authenticity over attachments. There are those who are not bound to like us in life solely because of the way we are, but if we seek their affirmation and their praise, we lose OUR authenticity. Needed to listen to this, thanks.
I wish I could thank him for reminding me I'm still here
I experienced both non attachment & inauthenticity growing up in my shame based family & became a PEOPLE PLEASING LONER !!! I'm safe as a fearful Loner yet still crave acceptance from FRIENDLY others. I'm quite comfortable as a complete Loner but would love to be with a loving Soulmate since I am also quite Dependent. I can become quickly enmeshed & give up my Authenticity to PLEASE friendly others. I'm rarely REAL since it's just to FRIGHTENING to face the reactions of many others! Assertiveness work helped but only a little bit, so far. I'm still way too SELF conscious & timid!
Thank you for this talk.
Authenticity is the key. That has been my philosophy these last 10 years or so. That is also why I am drawn to this video - So with that being said. How I really discovered this was many years back, I always started to have crush on women that really fitted right away after I met them. I would always end up loosing them, after maybe one night (back then I was drinking and was doing alot of one night stands) they always lost interest, because as soon as I realised I really had a crush on them that is when I started to behave inauthentic. Beeing to agreeable, wanting them to like me, being to clingy (that is also another aspect which comes, when we are not beeing authentig) So that is was usually when they lost interest and I couldn't get them to stay or have another date etc. However when I was 26 I started the University. Then I started to have more confidence. I was sick and tired of beeing a lovesick puppy so I decided to be more like my friends, just sleep around with out having feelings for the women I was with(In the long run it was damaging behaviour, but it lead to my discovery). Then I end up beeing with women I would not have a crush on, some of them beautiful none the less. But those women always came back, some of them to dates or more... I didn't understand what was happening I wondered why could I always keep the women that I didn't want to have that much, but the ones I was really into would always run away. I realised, the ones I was really into, I would show up some kind of faced. Beeing to agreeable, that would lead to me beeing to plain. Not interesting at all, wile the women I wasn't that much into I didn't care weather I would like me or not so I behaved authentic around them. If I wouldn't agree then I would show it. You know where I am going with this.That would lead to me beeing more relaxed more loose, therefore charismatic. Plus it is in the human nature to sense when people are hiding something it is danger. And women have extra sense for this. Therefore when you are not authentic people are repelled from.
This is why it is so important to be authentic.
Also another thing, work on your self. Be happy with your self. Go and do yoga for example or something that fulfils you, and when you are fullfilled you start to accept your self and then it starts to become easier for you to start to love yourself. When you are there you will start to attract more people into your life, and maybe a soulmate. Don't say I will be happy when I'll find a soulmate be happy first and then you will attract her. But you have become happy for the sake of beeing happy not for the sake of wanting to attract someone. When that happens you don't care weather you attract someone in or not. You will still take it with open arms, but you are fine either way. That is when it happens. It's like a by product.
Be a volunteer for good people like you, but its hard to find good ones among parasites
I can recommend prayer to Christ and also to the Mother of God, it works wonders especially for those who are loners
@jimrich4192
I don’t like the term People Pleaser as I think it’s too blaming on the person supposedly doing it. I would call it Person-staying-safe-r.. or person who had to submit to the needs of another just to survive-r.. when it’s origins in childhood experience are revealed, you see how little choice the cups had. Then you feel compassion and love for your childhood self.. and then the more you love yourself, the easier it will become easier to be authentic, it will become natural. You just won’t feel so compelled to prioritise someone else over yourself and most healthy people wouldn’t want you to do that anyway. I wish you a joyful journey to finding a soulmate perfect for you.
Authenticity = express yourself
In other words, when our heart, mind, actions, thoughts and talk is aligned.
Who would you rather have in your life: them or yourself? Thank you for this brilliant message dr Mate. God bless you❤
Gabor's description of pleasing/restraining feelings/behaviour and authenticity/natural expression (with boundaries) is quite accurate.
The dig he took at Jordan Peterson 😂
Jokes aside though, what should the parents do in that example he gave about the cookie? How can they not give the child the cookie while allowing the child to be authentic and feel their feelings
to me, authenticity means staying true to your real desires even while under the pressure of possibility of rejection
Or rejecting
Thank you so much. This video on this Saturday morning is certainly 100 times more important than the effing coronation!
Be authentic but also be kind
You are right - kindness is so important. Authenticity requires maturity and discipline. We need to be responsible. Otherwise, we will create more war, claiming to just be authentic.
Stay in the Flow and honour your Intuition. The subconscious is the 'story', the attachments, the beliefs. We are not our history our stories, stop looking for identity.
This guy has the clearest, most honest, yet at the same time most empathetic and compassionate eyes for the human condition. I don't yet know of any well known person who surpasses him. Maybe John Bradshaw comes close but he's closer to being equal as far as I can discern.
Them or Yourself. Powerful
This video and all the comments are like breathing oxygen in a world full of CO2. Thank you❤️dr Gabor mate and the ppl who commented below. Love to you all❤️❤️❤️
God bless the child who builds a wall to survive in a world where being yourself is not allowed!
I gave up a number of things from my past and I must admit people thought I was an alien of some sort. I find what people attach themselves to, it is something interesting to study and understand better, thanks for the video.
It seems like what we're attached to tends to dictate many things within our lives, so be careful what you attach yourself too!
No shit, Sherlock
This is so sadly true...
Perfectly expressed. One of the greatest teachers on the planet. Have recently been watching the few interviews I’ve found with his son Aaron Mate of Grayzone and Pushback, and absolutely adore his ability to authentically and compassionately communicate the historical context for something as seemingly impenetrable as the Israeli Palestinian conflict, Zionism and anti-semitism, for example. Just as here, he speaks to the nuance and yet makes it universal. Thank you Gabor Mate’ 💚
So good! Makes so much sense. It’s such an unraveling and unlearning of conditioning, and simultaneously relearning to trust - the gut, the divine higher wisdom, our true self
Well put! 💯 true! I’m learning this, applying it - it’s a difficult process to undo conditioning and learn new ways of being that is aligned with your authenticity…to even know who you are authentically after a lifetime of coping, learned conditioning. It’s with challenges but well worth doing it for the sake of knowing the real you 😊
So well put and explained. Not one word waisted and each and every word rings truth to me. Thank you Mr. Mate.
Dr Gabor what a gift you are to us all ❤🙏🙌
So true!!! I had to learn the hard way in my late 40s
I come from a single mother household. I have this thing of forgetting things in the past but I remember these feelings. I learnt to stop asking my mother for things because I saw her work superhard. We had it all but I was an emotional care giver even though I was a last born. I used to prepare a candle light bubble bath for my mom. My friend would invite me to parties but I've already played the "No" card without having asked because I would think on her behalf as kids
Preparing a bubble bath doesn't mean you are an emotional caregiver. It is simply an act of kindness. Saying no to parties is being somewhat considerate and somewhat inauthentic to yourself. It's hard though. I wish you healing.
While I cannot speak for your experience, I can speak for my own. It’s important to be able to separate committing an act of kindness (such as running a bubble bath for your mother) and putting yourself aside for the needs of another (denying something for yourself because you feel obliged to act like a mom to your own parent). There are ways to be kind to others without sacrificing your experiences.
I wish you healing as well. While my experience is a little different, it took me finally getting help to realize what I’d truly been put through.
That's really great advice that is severely underplayed in today's world. He explained it very accurately to me how I came to be the way I am now, I'm on the journey for improvement
Attachment versus authenticity for me is like the cutting of the umbilical cord. Being set free to become an individual.
What a hindrance attachment is to self development, and
authenticity. Thank you Dr Gabor Maté for showing me the way and giving me the courage to find myself 6:48
Love this. The choice of authenticity over attachment feels very powerful as I believe our highest super power is being our most authentic selves
horrible parenting makes children choose between attachment and authenticity. That's insane, cruel parenting.
I feel like animals would have loved me more than my own caregivers😭😭😭
As always, thank you Gabor. ❤
😊❤The Great Gabor. Such essence is precious
Well said
Wow!!!! Thank you 😢❤
He is completely right… just do NOT HEAL with drugs. Ever. Do it naturally.
Yes, so many natural roads to healing on every level. Our miraculous bodies produce our own soothing chemicals and can heal just about anything. 🙏
@@quantumhealing333 exactly, i used LSD and it destroyed my brain and mind… don’t ever do it
I love this
Excellent!! Thank you!!
I did this catering/people pleasing to a detrimental degree in my 20s, 30s and most of my 40s. Had to wait till I was getting sick to finally break up a relationship, and also wash my hands of my narcissistic older sister. I feel the universe gives many of us these difficult relationships in order to not punish, but rather to say" hey, there's plenty more people like this one so THIS is your opportunity to learn how to draw boundaries and leave if necessary.
Thank you.
This just explained a whole lot to me!! Thank you
The first professional I heard criticizing the famous psychologist JP. Yes he suggested that when your child is in a tantrum you leave them to their own device so the message for the child would be, if you are calm and civilized I like you and if not than I dont.
That was exactly what I needed to hear and I am extremely happy that I heard and found this. Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how that made my life make sense again
The way you write is beautiful, the way you speak is beautiful. Music to the ears. Thank you for your work.
I feel so grateful for these words... and as the same time im wondering if it is a choice btw yourself and others as the Dr said at the end. Maybe we need also to look beyond that dual choice. Im not saying that it is half half, i mean something deeper but hard to explain 😅
But it is sure that the first step is to acknowledge what you feel and to express it (and here is the important point, express it is really a learning AND a learning that involves those you love) and to be with people that want love who you are.
And sometimes it requires to be alone with yourself for a period of time, to heal and learn to listen to what is in your heart without the presence of others.
Dr. Mate is a legend!!!
Gabor. Great
☮️
Thank you 😢
Thank you 🙏!
You have to be willing to die for who you truly are
wow. that was amazing. I have always been a people pleaser and its absolutely destroyed my individuality. I walk around now in a state of depression and anxiety. Mr Nice Guy, middle child wih toxic siblings. now i am so stuck in an environment and financially bereft that i can't seem to find a way out of it and as for my confidence? ZERO
Thank you SAND for sharing precious wisdom for free !++
My girl, she’s 10. Was told by her friend that she has anger issues, she now sees a councillor at her school. I was naturally upset about it. My girl started telling herself that she has anger issues n she needs help, she then, she’s only 10!!! She then started to look at people in her life that are angry, she told the councillor about her dad (we not together) and his yelling and anger.
I look at my girl n I’m like “your dad has his reasons for acting like that but that doesn’t mean that your like that, I’m all for you to see a councillor if you feel you need to but you are young and it is perfectly normal to feel anger. What you need to learn is to know when you are angry, you can’t stop it, you can never stop being angry. But you can notice when it’s there and try and make different choices when your angry” .
Last 2 days she’s been grumpy so I just let her be grumpy, until she starts throwing that anger at others, that’s the only time I pull her up on it.
Thank you!! I was starting to get worried, trying to figure out ways to make her happy. I guess, I was over thinking the situation.
His voice is soothing
I need you in my life Dr Gabor Mate...
Love the line at the end -- very true -- but I have to add a few objections: 1) it's not just a matter of honoring your feelings/emotions; it's also about honoring your thoughts and opinions -- these can get us rejected just as much, if not more, than our feelings; 2) what's with the dig at JP? It's not like he invented the concept of a time-out, 3) trauma specialists will also warn you against trusting some of your "gut feelings" -- they can certainly lead you astray, too (which brings us back to the importance of thinking, not just emoting).
That's what I was thinking as well about the time-out. Also, if done correctly, I think a time-out can still value or deal with the anger/sadness of the child, you just teach them that they can't lose control over that.
@@faithhopelove9567 Yeah, and also, sometimes, children will express anger instrumentally, i.e., in order to get their way or control other people. Validating their feelings under those conditions is just reinforcing what they are doing.
Adults use anger to force control, too, but unfortunately we can't put them in time out. :p
that is just amazing
Thank you, this saved my life. Truly greatful
So profound.
Dr Gabor is a treasure to humanity ❤
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you
I Thoroughly, And Completely Appreciate Your Perspective, Dr.Gabor🙏 Thank You Very Much 🙏💗🙏💗
Yup so so true first instinct usually right
THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!
Hare krishna 🌼🙏🏻🇮🇳
True, once you embrace yourself you dont care who likes you or not. Life just is and very entertaining. Your gut tells you also who to avoid ❤
Thank You Dr Gabor Maté!!👏👏👏
this is pure light
Incredible! I admire Dr. Gabor, his deliverance, and what he is explaining just opened so many doors in your mind. He is amazing.
I’m 😢
Gabor Mate is the best
One word......MYSELF!! That's who I am choosing!! ❤
That’s why l close my mind my thoughts where l go etc because l get that gut feeling every single day and now l sit with that gut feeling and let no one hurt me whatsoever.
I’m happy with that no suppression at all no longing nothing love it pleasing myself ❤️ l love me
Wow this is brilliant, Excellent ✔️
This is, I think, why we play the game in dating and relationships: to get/keep the attachment to the caregiver, the protector (culture/society). We then want to be ‘traditional’ instead of following our authentic hearts.
I choose authenticity over attachment in this case, and that can hurt, but it also keeps me original.
Amazing, lots of love to you ❤️
Thank you 😊
Very well explained, most helpfull. Thank you.
Thank you. Youve made me realize a lot of issues.